100 Best Ally McBeal Quotes

Liza: I just want you to see me as a lawyer... and a sexual object. Could you do that please?

Mrs: It's a COLONIAL Home!

Liza: [to Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or I have to pull a string?

Ally: It's not like we were having so much fun talking. You barely said a poop. Victor quickly intervenes, Peep.

Liza: Sorry I'm late. Pedestrians. I brake for them. New Year's Rezzy.

Ally: Elaine, you look like Hannibal Lecter.

Elevator: I think you should have a Cookie.
Ally: We could share it!

Ally: You are the biggest ass I have ever met.
Larry: Perhaps this is where you kiss it goodbye.
[Ally leaves the room]
Larry: What did I say?

Billy: [during his summation] Last month, two people who never met got married on national television.
[walks over to defense table quietly talks to Ally]
Billy: Did I imagine that or did that really happen?
Ally: That really happened.

Liza: I am through fooling around with you people. The longer this trial goes, the worse it gets for you. If you let it *keep* going, YOUR client will end up having to pay us.
Liza: [to John Cage] I'm sure you used to be good. Today? You try cases like a mariachi singer.
Liza: [to Nelle Porter] And you? Love your hair.

[after hearing that Ally broke up with Glenn]
Elaine: Oh, Ally, I just want you to know that I am here for you.
Ally: Yes, and what am I gonna do about that?

Ling: I know I'm better than everybody else, Richard, but some times it's nice to HEAR it.

Ally: Could I... uh could I have your attention please. About 40 minutes ago, um Billy Thomas passed away.
[pause, stunned silence in the office]
Ally: Uh he went quiet - - quietly and peaceful
[walks away]
Ally: .

Jenny: I will see what furniture I want! When I want!
Glenn: I so much as see you with an ottoman we're done, as simple as that!

John: You and I are friends, albeit we typically zig and zag in different directions. I'm concerned that uh this trial, well...
Richard: What?
John: I'm worried about the fallout. Like you said, Harry Wah's an enormous client, and uh how do I put this?
Richard: Just say it, John.
John: I'm better than you. I fear that this trial will cost us not only a major client but could uh jeopardize our friendship.
Richard: Because you're better than me.
John: Yes.
Richard: And you think you'll beat me.
John: Yes.
Richard: Let me tell you something, John. You can't possibly overestimate how much you underestimate me. And if you're under the impression that you'll overwhelm me with your little stunts, understand this; I'll be all over you the minute you try. I'm not your underling in there. You have nothing over me, and under the heading of...
John: Richard, there are just far too many over and under's going on here. My point is this; no one beats me in court. You won't beat me in court.

Larry: Ally, men don't take hints when it comes to rejection. We're used to getting our noses bloodied. We grow up watching movies where, for the first two acts, the girl says no and in the third act, they marry. If he's not the guy, then you have to be brutal. And blunt.

Cindy: How DARE you.
Richard: I didn't TELL him!
Cindy: You were ABOUT to!
Richard: No, no, no. I was just ...
Cindy: You had NO right.
Richard: Mark is a FRIEND of mine!
Cindy: I've HAD boyfriends before. Things have been JUST fine.
Richard: They have? Wait, how?
Cindy: I tell them I'm Catholic.
Richard: I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought ...
Cindy: I tell them I'm against pre-marital sex!
Richard: No, I'm still confused. What other kind of sex IS there?

Margaret: I don't condemn you for wanting somebody to love. I guess I just reject the notion that your life is empty without a man.
Ally: It's only half-empty.

John: Well, that's the trouble, I suppose, in coming at people with honesty. They sometimes counter with it.

Jackson: You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues.
Ally: My issues? What are my issues?
Jackson: Look, lady.
Ally: Ally.
Larry: Jackson.
Jackson: First, you're kissing me.
Ally: [gesturing to Larry] I thought you were him.
Jackson: Then you climbed into bed.
Ally: [gesturing to Renee] I thought you were her.
Jackson: Then your hands were all up on my privates.
Ally: Well, because I thought it was the remote control.
Larry: Hold on!
Jackson: You found the remote, now, didn't you?

Richard: I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?
John: Well as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice.

John: The law is the law, Liza. And she *broke* it.
Liza: John, in some states, oral sex is against the law. You don't see people getting thrown in jail for that.
John: Bigamy is a little more serious.
Liza: [coyly] You don't take oral sex seriously?
John: [flustered] We're both on the same side here. Would you please STOP trying to RATTLE me?
Liza: Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

Seymore: Was it right for her to die? Was it right for the world to end and for me to go on living in it? The sun still comes up. People go about their lives like it was nothing. It's no tragedy when an elderly person dies. She didn't suffer. It was a blessing. There was no suffering. No suffering.

John: It's very hard to make any sense of this without - well, at least with any degree of persuasion.
Ally: Well, does it have to make sense? I mean, the best things don't. Do they?
John: Such as?
Ally: Love... Beauty is another - it's in the eye of the beholder. Even humor doesn't make sense, when you think about it - sense of humor? Who can explain what people find funny? I mean, to me, it's the insistence on making sense that doesn't make sense.

[to Nell Porter]
John: You made fun of my stuttering AND my smile therapy. You are a mean woman.

Jenny: You're a woman, for god's sake. Be a man!

John: [regarding Liza Bump] All right. Your Honor, let the record reflect she just grazed my johnson.

Ally: How many couples do you know go to the Caribbean to have polite sex?

Claire: Well, if it can't be me, I hope it's you.

Ally: Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?
Richard: [sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?
Ally: Not... really.
Richard: Mmm-hmmm. Did I interview you for the job?
Ally: No.
Richard: Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?
Ally: No.
Richard: So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you?
[Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]
Ally: So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.
Richard: What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...
Ally: [turning to walk out] I can't believe this.
Richard: Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

Elaine: Sorry I'm late.
Harriet: Oh, Elaine, you can go first - since some of us seem to be resistant. Now, specifically what do you look for in a man?
John: A pulse and a penis. Not necessarily in that order.

Ally: It's not that I object to sadness. It's just, whenever I get depressed I raise my hemlines. If things don't change I'm bound to be arrested.

Elaine: [to Ally] What a great story! I can't wait to embellish it.

Ally: There's the killer!
Billy: The client Ally. The client.

Charlie: Love without sex is an empty experience. Sr. Fishism.

Reverend: [to Lisa Knowles] You're the best woman I've ever known...

Ally: Jenny, the wrong ones can't hurt you. But the right ones, they're the killers.

Nelle: Yes, Georgia
Georgia: It's one thing to say that. Why do we have to be the lawyers doing it?
Nelle: I just want to tie you up in court while I tie up Billy.

Richard: What do you mean she got arrested?
Billy: She wasn't that clear. Evidently, she went to help someone in distress, and kicked her.
Richard: Hmm. That's clear.

Ally: [Ally giving Billy's eulogy] I've heard it said, that as you're about to pass into the next world, the final truth of this world... hits you. And the last thing Billy spoke about, right before he sat down in the courthouse, was love. How it was all that mattered. He um... He seemed so lost in these last few months, but looking at him in the courthouse right before he died, he... He suddenly seemed so... found. He um, said to me, recently, he said, 'It's stronger than death.' And I wasn't sure what he meant. And now I am. When we were little, we would talk about this day... Well actually, we would sing about it. He would sing this song: 'And when I die... and when I'm gone... there'll be one child born... in a world, to carry on.' And that child... that child has big shoes to fill.
[Ally looks up as if speaking to Billy directly and continues]
Ally: Billy Thomas, With all of my heart... Forever.
[Ally then returns to addressing the rest of the mourners,: ]
Ally: Oh, and uh... As for Heaven?
[she then slams her fist into the palm of her hand, and the opening of "A New Man in Town" explodes into the church as the choir rises to sing and the mourners begin to dance and clap, celebrating the life of Billy Thomas]

Dr. Tracey Clark: Ally, every patient who comes in this office thinks they are the world's biggest loser. For the first time, I agree.

Richard: You know, Ally, no matter how low I set the bar of common sense, you amaze me in your ability to slither under it.

Ally: I'm asking. Are you OK?
Georgia: Fine! I just went on this new diet. I lost 170 pounds of dead weight.
[Her soon-to-be ex-husband, Billy]
Georgia: I feel great!
Ally: Are you sure?
Georgia: You can have him, Ally.
Ally: I don't *want* him.

Ally: I know I've got it great, really. Good job, good friends, loving family. Total freedom and long bubble baths. What else could there be?

Billy: Will you ever forgive my letting go?
Ally: I'll forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.

Ally: [to herself] Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society.
Ally: But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits.

Ally: John, the last thing you want is to be in love with someone that you can't have. That is something I know.

Steven: Your honor, I'm not comfortable with the response. I'm gonna go ahead and object.
Judge: Over-ruled.

Liza: [squeezing John Cage's face] Isn't HE like a cute little stuffy? And such a good little lawyer. Yes, you are.
John: All right.
Liza: Yes, you are!

Richard: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!

Elaine: They subpoenaed me.
Ally: What?
Richard: Who?
Elaine: The Board. They want me to appear to talk about Ally.
Ally: You?
Richard: Why?
Elaine: I don't know. Well, don't look so worried. I'm on your side.
Ally: Well - well, that's what worries me.

Tim: You know that's another thing I don't like about younger women, they tend to run scared.

Richard: John? John, y- you got the biggest booger. Oh, sorry, it's a frog. Bygones.

Renee: I don't mean this in an insulting way, but you're not a sexually spontaneous person. You won't even go to bed with a man unless you storyboard it first.

Richard: Look, Liza. We're lawyers. It's our job to make people hate each other. You can't hold us liable...

Raymond: Tell me something, what do you think of me and Jenny?
Richard: It's hard to tell... really it could be because I don't care.

John: Everyone has flaws, some are bigger than others, and as flaws go, SHE HAS A PENIS!

[Fishism]
Richard: John, if you don't like who you are, if you're truly unhappy with your life, it only means you're ready to have children.

Ally: Who wants to be balanced, Billy? Balance is way overrated!

[catch-phrases]
John: I'm fraught.
John: I need to take a moment.
John: Unacceptable!
John: Repugnant!
John: Balls!
John: That disparaged me.
John: I will not stand to be disparaged.
John: I'm troubled.
John: I'm drawn to her.

Nelle: You can sit anywhere you like. Is there a required time limit thing?
Dr. Greg Barrett: For What?
Nelle: Our date.
Dr. Greg Barrett: Is this it? A trip to your office?
Nelle: I'm busy. I can talk for five minutes to make it official.
Dr. Greg Barrett: Are you serious?
Nelle: You really expect me to date a man who bids on women at auctions?
Dr. Greg Barrett: If I'm willing to date a woman who allows herself to be bought.
Nelle: That was for charity.
Dr. Greg Barrett: Yes. And you seem like a real giver.
Nelle: Hey! What do you know? Time's up.
[Holds up a clock]
Dr. Greg Barrett: Guess it flies when you're having fun.
Nelle: Let's see if you can fly, Superman. I'll open a window.

John: [of Liza Bump] Oh, I am going to GET *her*.

Billy: What I'm trying to say: Love is the only thing that counts. I've loved her since I was 8 years old. We've never been apart, not a single day. And I will love her for all my days. And that's all that counts. It's all that will ever count. All my heart forever. I... uh need to... rest.
[sits down on floor, then collapses]

Judge: Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you to proceed without the nonsense.
John: [reading notes] OK, uh... Mmm, no, I'm sorry. All I had left was nonsense.
John: [sits back down]

Ally: You own a store?
Hon. Justice Hammond Dearing: And three others.

Ally: I just got this piano. And sometimes I sing the song called "Goodnight my someone". And it's about... Basically it's a love song to somebody that you've never met but you know is out there. And I know, I mean, we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up and one of these is that we walk down the aisle with somebody we love, somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises that I think we just have to keep.

Richard: Ally, you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat. That's not a Fishism. That's just a rule of common sense.

Ally: I'm taking a straw poll, do any of you believe you're going to find *the* one, your one true love?
Ling: No.
Nelle: No.
Elaine: Over and over again!

[last lines]
Ally: Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I *must* be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying?

John: Remnants in toilet bowls actually traumatize me.

Claire: Pain doesn't decompose when you bury it,

Judge: Nobody has rights. People have privileges and those privileges are lost when they violate the law.

Claire: I've always found, the funny thing about love is it's the one game you lose by refusing to play.

Claire: [of Liza Bump] Little sweaty Betty.

Richard: [to Senator Foote as the jury is coming in] What happens if it's guilty? Congress could expel you. You'd have to run for President.
Richard: Kidding. Bygones.

Nell: Ling, uh, do you still like this guy?
Ling: No! No, I-I'm with Richard now. I-I... I might... I mean, he's not Richard.
Nell: Oh, come on. Richard has the depth of an ashtray. He's got nothing to offer but money and sperm, and you know it.

Larry: Gee, it's like we're married. You're blaming all of society on me. No wonder you want a husband. You're already a wife.

Richard: Love is about being both soft and hard, it's like a penis. Fishism.

Judge: Mr. Cage, one more outburst, I will tape your mouth SHUT. Do not think I'm kidding. Now sit.

Ally: Maybe I will share my life with somebody, maybe not, but the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

Billy: Some would see the law in black and white. They'd do fine. Some can't tell the black from white. They'd flunk. Then some could tell the black from the white and see all the grays. And they'd be doomed forever. Ally's faced with some of that doom. She sees grays. She tries to make sense of an arena that's messy.

John: Richard, this is serious.
Richard: That's right. For once, I'm being serious.
John: No, you're not! You're being insane. This is worthy of Ally.

Barry: I want you to know, because I don't hand out compliments freely... you are the scummiest, most disgusting attorneys I have ever encountered.
Wilson: Thank you.
Barry: They set the bar so low. And you just slithered under it.
Wilson: We try.

Larry: Do you always talk in run-on sentences?
Ally: I'm afraid that if I stop for air, somebody else will get a word in.

John: Nelle, whatever you believe my opinion of you is, I can't see it wounding you to such depths that. My disapproval of you, it only went to your...
Nelle: Being a rich bitch ice queen elitist cold snob. In case you're in search of the words.

[catch-phrases]
Richard: Bygones.
Richard: Fishism.
Richard: Vulgarism.
Richard: Bugger.
Richard: Ouch!
Richard: Kidding.
Richard: No biggie.

Ally: I happen to be happy with all of my happiness ahead of me. I live my life as one big Christmas Eve, and it makes me happy, happy, happy!

Ling: There's a very old expression in China, It really doesn't matter what I say here, because none of you speak Chinese. But you can see from my sad face I'm sympathetic. You hear from my tone it's appropriate to feel sorry for me. As I drop to a faint whisper, you'll feel the sorrow yourself. I'm going to finish now, pretend to cry.

Johnson: And do you, Liza, take Richard to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, always?
Liza: Duh! That's why I'm here. Hello?

Renee: We've been lied to by Disney.

Ally: Prejudice comes in smooth reads, by the way, because bigots cannot spell.

John: What are you thinking?
Ally: MMM... just replaying all the things ever said to me.
[Smiling at him]
Ally: The best ones always come from you.

Jackson: Alright, let's hold on here. There are a lot of emotions on the surface.
Ms. Parks: Oh, shut up, Pretty Boy. Nobody likes a Pretty Boy.

John: I can't believe it! You're lip-synching your response!
Richard: I had a lot to say. I wanted to make sure I...
John: And you can't give it to me LIVE?
Richard: Nobody does their best work LIVE.

Ally: Okay, the-the-buttock, the- the CONTRACT called for no minimum.

Ally: You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate.

Liza: [facetiously] Please don't make me try this case. I'm not prepared!

John: [answering his mobile phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?
Richard: I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.
John: Well, don't - don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.
Richard: No, you don't. You feed *me* the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.

Nicole: It's always tough on the husbands, isn't it?

Ally: How do you care about someone within minutes of meeting them?