50 Best Donald Mallard Quotes

Donald: How may I be of assistance?
Jack: I was hoping that you could help me with a bit of profiling.
Donald: Well, I'm always up to a challenge.
Jack: Okay. The subject is retired armed forces with past trauma they refuse to talk about, and their whole life is stil wrapped up in the military.
Donald: Unable to move on?
Jack: Unwilling, at least.
Donald: History of aggression?
Jack: Sporadic.
Donald: Intelligence?
Jack: High.
Donald: Has the subject ever sought counseling before?
Jack: No.
Donald: What about the family?
Jack: None.
Donald: Huh. And... well, your concern is what?
Jack: What happens if the subject continues to internalize what happened?
Donald: Almost certainly, they'd be on the road to disaster.
Jack: Yeah. That's what I thought.
Donald: Well, you... you just have to use all your tricks to get him to open up.

Donald: It's a microscopic dart.
Leroy: Where'd it come from?
Donald: I extracted it from Corporal Beck's arm here. This contusion alerted me to the injection site. The dart is designed to be left behind, beneath the dermis. It's so small, sharp, and thin that it would've felt like... well, nothing more than a bug bite.
Abby: [entering] Botulinum toxin.
Leroy: What?
Abby: He didn't ask yet?
Donald: Mere seconds away.
Abby: My timing is off today.
Leroy: Abs, what was in the dart?
Abby: Now is when I'm supposed to swoosh in and say...
Donald: Botulinum toxin. The most poisonous natural substance known to man.

Donald: Perhaps I should've brought bigger crayons.

Donald: Kasie, you have to understand that first and foremost, Gibbs is a Marine. He respects the chain of command. If he knew his supervisor had given you an order, he would be upset if you disobeyed it.
Jimmy: Exactly.
Kasie: Really, he always follows orders?
Donald: Always... ish.

Donald: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can't resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice: If you're going through hell, keep going.

Donald: [in Autopsy] Officer Teague, I must warn you: the shrapnel from the incendiary device was devastating.
CIA: He's my son, Doctor. I want to see him.
Donald: Mr. Palmer?
[Palmer unzips the body bag containing Dorneget. Joanna leans over him and smooths his hair]
CIA: I'm so proud of you, baby. Sleep now.

Gareth: You have to do something.
Dr. Donald Mallard: No I don't. But if you tell me why my best friend is dead, I'll consider it.

Maggie: I thought you hated bow ties.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I do. they're impossible to keep straight.

Leroy: Same kind of dart as the one used in Corporal Beck?
Donald: Yes, the injection site was here. And Abby confirmed that the botulinum cocktail was once again the means to the end.
Leroy: Time of death?
Donald: Approximately 8:00 this morning, which puts the injection some time in the two hours prior.
[seeing Gibbs' expression]
Donald: Ah, there it is, the classic Jethro look of query and frustration, mixed with a dash of "someone is gonna pay for this."
Leroy: Two victims, same M.O. The only connection is she calls the hotline and the corporal picks up.
Donald: Precisely, which begs the question "What was that call about?".
Leroy: Precisely.
Donald: [to the victim as Gibbs leaves] Did you hear that? He used a three-syllable adverb. I daresay my years here have made an impact.

Donald: Mr. Palmer has declared when the child is of speaking age, she will call me "grandducky".

Dr. Donald Mallard: [to Gareth] You feeling light-headed? I just nicked your brachial artery. You'll be dead in less than 90 seconds.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [Holding out a toy train to Nicholas] I think you dropped this. I thought you might be looking for it. Hello Nicholas.
Nicholas: [Long pause as he recognizes Ducky.] Beep. Beep. You got my letter. You found me, Donnie. You found me.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I did that. I told you I would.

Donald: He's dead, Dr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Yeah, I noticed, when I removed his spleen, he didn't complain.

Nick: And I actually think I might be able to explain it. Kasie ran her blood, and her thyroxine levels are through the roof.
Donald: Thyroxine?
Nick: It's a hormone produced by your thyroid gland. Also known as T-4. Too much can lead to headaches and memory loss.
Donald: Violent outbursts?
Nick: At the extreme levels that we found? Yes.
Donald: Are you telling me that Lieutenant Donohue stabbed her husband because her thyroid is out of whack?
Nick: Well, not quite. We also found a T stimulant in her blood, and it's not natural. It's synthetic, like a, like a pill or an injection.
Donald: What, is she taking something?
Nick: Well, she says no. And if that's the case...
Donald: Someone's drugging her?
Nick: And I think I know how. She was having trouble breathing when she came down, so I took a look at her lungs. They're clear, but the X-ray showed me this. At first, I thought it was a birth control implant, but the lieutenant said she didn't have one. In fact, she's never had an implant of any kind.
Donald: So how the hell did it get there?
Nick: No clue. But by the way her T spiked and then went back to normal so quickly, I suspect this implant is the cause. Now, I suggest getting it out of her immediately, before something else happens.

Donald: You can't expect me to determine a cause of death from a instant replay.
Leroy: Come on, Duck. You gotta give me something.
Donald: All right, I can confidently rule out quicksand.

Jimmy: Sorry I'm so busy, Dr. Mallard. The timing on this couldn't have been worse.
Donald: Dr. Palmer...
Jimmy: I know, I know. I said I'd stop apologizing.
Donald: Well, then stop.
Jimmy: I-It's just that I had a-a speech planned, and there was a-a slideshow in Kasie's lab. Oh, and cookies.
Donald: Yeah, well, this three-page letter and all these parting gifts, it's more than sufficient. And I'm leaving NCIS, not the planet.

Leroy: What do you got?
Donald: The results of Ms. Trainer's autopsy tell a sad story. Her body exhibits extensive damage consistent with narcotics abuse.
Leroy: Too young to go out like this, Duck.
Donald: Well, drugs don't discriminate with age, Jethro. It's an equal opportunity serial killer. But while an overdose was the cause of death, I do not believe it was of her own choosing.

Maggie: Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.
Dr. Donald Mallard: A colleague and a very good friend of mine lost his soulmate and then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over trying to find her again. I... chose to skip that part.

Leroy: What do you got, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Petty Officer Sweeney definitely died of a cardiac arrest.
Donald: But the real question is why.
Jimmy: 23 year old, active-duty sailor. He just had a physical last December, Gibbs. He passed with flying colors.
Donald: Not exactly the ideal candidate for heart failure.
Leroy: Maybe he had help.

Nick: Tim, you're gonna be fine, man.
Timothy: Yeah, not compared to you. You've got no kids and a small fortune. I've got two kids and a wife. I'm gonna be working for the rest of my life.
Jimmy: Well, the good news is you love your job, right?
Donald: I've always loved mine.
Timothy: Well, no offense, Ducky, but if I'm still working when I'm your age...
[he laughs until he sees Ducky's look; Jimmy snickers to himself]
Timothy: I'm not gonna finish that sentence. Ducky, you look fantastic.
Donald: Good move.

Jimmy: It's sad when they come in so young.
Donald: It is indeed, but then you and I both know that all of life is a near-death experience. We must never cease to give thanks for the gift of today. Isn't that right, Jethro?
Leroy: [entering] I'll tell you tomorrow.
Donald: Well, if one is an incident and two is a coincidence, then three is most certainly a pattern. Like our Marine, these two died of double tap.
Leroy: Same technique, bigger weapon.

Timothy: Jimmy, what happened to your hand.
Jimmy: Oh, funny story. Did you know that epidurals don't work on 5% of patients? I sure didn't.
Donald: I had to improvise on my pain management.
Timothy: You broke his finger?
Jimmy: She sure did. Two actually. It was worth it.

Leroy: What do we know, Duck?
Donald: Paramedics surmise heart attack.
Leroy: Why call us?
Donald: Well, as you know, Jethro, in many military circles, having "seen the elephant" is a metaphor for having experienced combat. I was in Laos on exchange with the U.S. forces. That's where I actually saw an elephant. Yeah, it was transporting supplies for the North Vietnamese.
Leroy: Does the elephant have a point?
Donald: Oh, yes. Often, there is more than one type of beast lurking in the jungle. First responders noticed foaming at Corporal Beck's mouth. That suggests there's more to this story than just a heart attack.
Leroy: [noticing a mark on the vic's shirt] That a coffee stain?
Donald: Well, it could be. Nothing is certain 'till I get him back to Autopsy.
Leroy: Well, let's get him back.

Donald: Does Gibbs suspect foul play?
Jack: Does he ever not?
Donald: Ah, good point.

Timothy: You do know that you need money to live on once you stop working, right?
Nick: Look, man, I-I've been saving, okay? But I-I'm saving like a normal person. Like, a little bit here and there, you know? I haven't been saving since I was potty-trained. But just out of curiosity, what-what do you guys think? How... how much you think is, uh, is enough?
Timothy: Well, it depends on your plans. I mean, maybe you want to travel, or, uh, do a vacation home. Either way, you're gonna need a lot of money.
Nick: [showing McGee his phone] Do you think... do you think this is enough?
Donald: [seeing Tim's face] Oh, dear. That bad?
Timothy: How have you saved that much cash?
Donald: Or perhaps that good?
Timothy: Wha... I don't have anywhere near that amount.

Jimmy: Listen, Ryan, I never thought that I would be a hero. Especially after I screwed up really bad a couple of years ago when I chickened out, but... then a very good friend of mine set me straight.
[flashback]
Donald: Yeah, there was a time when I thought I would be an archeologist.
Jimmy: Yeah? What happened? Why did you decide to go to medical school?
Donald: Well, although archeology carried a certain romantic appeal, I soon realized it wasn't in my bones, so to speak. You have to decide what's in your bones, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Not a spine.
Donald: Nonsense. You just have a... a... well-developed sense of self-preservation. You're training to be a medical examiner, not an NCIS field agent. I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death, but for the time being, I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.
[return to present]
Jimmy: And with that very healthy sense of self-preservation, I ask you to please stay alive, so that we can both die like heroes a very long time from now when we're old and gray, all right?
Ryan: My dad was 53. He was an actual war hero. Thanks to me, he didn't die like one.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [flirting with Vivian while performing an autopsy] You sure you won't have dinner with me tonight, Viv?
Special: Oh, Ducky, you're disgusting!
Dr. Donald Mallard: The pursuit of sex is an affirmation of life, Vivian. That's why older men are so lascivious.
Special: I'm talking about your lack of respect for the dead.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I have the utmost respect for the dead.
Special: Well, that's obvious from the way you speak to them.
Dr. Donald Mallard: If you were dead, wouldn't it be nice if you were spoken to, rather than about?

[Ducky brandishes an antique scalpel]
Gareth: What are you going to do with that? Give me a paper cut?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I doubt the blade is clean. Infections can be deadly.

Donald: I pulled the records of your six vigilante murder cases, and I discovered an intriguing connection.
Leroy: What kind of connection, Duck?
Donald: These six murders span four states, each in a different city, each in a different jurisdiction with different judges. However, on closer inspection, each of these four judges have something in common. They all clerked for one man.
Timothy: [Ducky shows them a photo] Judge Deakin.
Ellie: A federal judge running a vigilante network?
Nick: We can't prove anything.
Leroy: No, not yet. Keep digging.
Ellie: [watching him leave] Okay, where is he going now?
Nick: Damn good question.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Does that famous gut of your have an opinion? Scorned wife or jilted lover?
Leroy: Ah, it's too early, Duck. My gut's overrated.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Gibbs leaves autopsy. To the corpse] Don't you believe that for a moment.

Leroy: You all right?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Are any of us? I mean, it's information overload. One could pull a muscle trying to digest it. First Ziva, and now a child?
Leroy: Not a typical day.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Is that really all you have to say?
Leroy: Keep your eye on the ball, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I know that Trent Kort is our primary goal, but we cannot lose sight of Anthony, and the enormity of what he's going through.
Leroy: We're not.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Good. Family first, Jethro.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Agent Blackadder reminds me of a young woman I autopsied once.
NCIS: [asking about their current victim] When'd she die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Oh, gosh! Oh, that was in Hollywood. Let's see, it's got to be at least twenty years ago. She was an assistant film editor, and the film editor's wife caught them in flagrante delicto.
NCIS: [indicating the dead body] This one, Ducky. When did this one die?
Dr. Donald Mallard: It's been a while.
NCIS: You care to be more specific?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Not until I do the autopsy.
NCIS: Humor me.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [Bishop has IDed the victim] Did you say Lt. Commander Runyon Hayes?
Leroy: Do you know him?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I need a word with you.
[Ducky leads him a few feet away]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm afraid I must recuse myself from this case.
Leroy: I don't follow.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, because I know far more about this man's murder than I care to admit.

Jimmy: You've seen "Goodfellas".
Donald: Yes. That was one compelling movie. Actually, I saw it with Gibbs.
Jimmy: Really? Gibbs sees movies? Like, made after 1957?
Leroy: What's your point?
Jimmy: Whoa. That was an impressively quiet entrance.

Special: What was inside him?
Donald: Well, as Mr. Palmer demonstrated earlier, it was metallic. Um, a container of some kind lodged in his sigmoid colon. It's a technique common among smugglers.
Special: What was he smuggling?
Donald: Well, time to find out. Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy: [opening the container and finding two small vials] It's botulinum.
Donald: What? That's one of the deadliest neurotoxins on the planet.
Jimmy: Where did he get this?
Donald: I'd be more concerned to find out what he was planning to do with it.

Ellie: Hey, how's Tony?
Timothy: Uh, about as you can expect.
Jimmy: Anything we can do for him?
Timothy: He made one request: to do what Ziva would do.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Find Trent Kort.
Timothy: And kill him.

Donald: It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.
Jimmy: And yet, I'm the one who had to get out and push the van, Shakespeare.
Donald: That was W. C. Fields, Mr. Palmer in "The Fatal Glass of Beer".

Jimmy: Breena took Victoria up to her aunt's house in Syracuse this week, so I am a swinging bachelor.
Abby: That explains it.
Jimmy: Explains what?
Abby: Your lack of swinging lately. You've been pouting for days.
Jimmy: Have I?
Abby: Yeah.
Jimmy: Huh. So much for my poker face.
Abby: I mean, it's understandable. You miss them when they're gone.
Jimmy: Yeah, especially this time of year.
Abby: Getting your midwinter blues?
Jimmy: It's not blues. It's just... blah. It's darker, it's colder, minor annoyances seem bigger. I start questioning everything from politics to "why did I these itchy socks today?".
Donald: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can't resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice. If you're going through hell, keep going.

Abby: Botulinum was the main ingredient, but the injection was a mixture of inhibitors...
Leroy: Abs, less words.
Abby: Uh, it... has stuff in it that mask the symptoms of the poison.
Donald: So it hit all at once.
Abby: Yeah, and it hit hard. I mean, there's people all over the Dark Web selling this kind of concoction, along with compressed-air guns to fire it into the skin. I mean, they only work at close range, but they're even selling silencers.
Donald: A discreet killing device in the palm of one's hand.
Abby: Exactly. And there's no way to trace who's buying them.

Anthony: Angelini's. Ready?
Jimmy: I feel so silly. I can't believe I'm the only one without a motorcycle license.
[Palmer gets in the sidecar]
Dr. Donald Mallard: No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass.
Leon: [Vance pulls up on his motorcycle] Gentlemen, let's ride.

Anthony: You notice anything different about Carrie, boss? No wedding ring. I told you the husband was a handbag.
Donald: Handbag?
Leroy: Something useless you hang on your arm.

Donald: It's called bushmeat. Derived from animals native to Africa. Bat, monkey, lion... whatever the local population hunts for protein.
Leroy: In Liberia?
Donald: In many countries all over Africa. It's outlawed by their governments because it destroys the ecosystems.
Leroy: Duck, this case isn't about rhino horns or elephant tusks.
Donald: No, it's about food.
Leroy: So what's it doing in the U.S.?
Donald: Jethro, illegal bushmeat is a worldwide, billion-dollar business. It's smoked, smuggled into the country and then sold on the street to expatriate communities.
Leroy: A taste of home.
Donald: Well, never underestimate the power of nostalgia. Mere pounds can go for hundreds of dollars.
Leroy: It's a health risk.
Donald: Well, the greatest fear is of an unknown and catastrophic disease. You see, smoking the meat does not kill off all the bacteria.
Ellie: Sounds like nightmare soup. It's a shame, I used to like soup.

Donald: As NCIS historian, I have become somewhat isolated down in my new office, but since when has Gibbs' whereabouts been so hotly contested?
Timothy: Don't ask, Duck.

Donald: The French do see arrogance as a virtue, so you'll be welcome there.

Donald: The captain suffered a crushed parietal bone, which killed him instantly. Poor fellow literally never saw what hit him.

Anthony: [leaving Autopsy] Clock's ticking.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Patience is a virtue, Tony.
Anthony: Not in the Gibbs-iverse.

Leroy: Palmer.
[Jimmy nods to something behind him; turning around, he sees...]
Leroy: Duck. Well, good morning.
Donald: Good morning, Jethro. No doubt you're wondering why I'm here.
Leroy: Well, I don't know. Maybe you missed us?
Donald: Well, true as that sentiment may be, the university is on spring break, and I'm here in town to handle the second of life's two certainties.

Young: You made the right decision.
Donald: Did I?
Young: Yes! Mother's fiancee was bent as a two-headed penny - a con man, a thief.
Donald: Even thieves fall in love.
Young: Rubbish. Making him leave was the right call. And might I add so is whatever you're doing with your skin. You look fantastic!
Donald: I'm not really complimenting myself, am I?
Young: Just take it.

Donald: I have ascertained a more definitive cause of death for Ensign Tate.
Anthony: The prelim said it was blunt force to the quasimodo something.
Donald: Mm, the squamosal suture was in fact the culprit, Tony.

Donald: Well, he's been stabbed, but I would surmise that Captain Doblin's cause of death was asphyxiation from a crushed windpipe.
Special: Killer could've been dumping the victim's body when he got rear-ended.
Jimmy: Doctor, there's some mass in his lower abdomen, here.
Donald: Huh?
[feeling where Palmer indicates]
Donald: Oh, yeah, sizable. But it's too large for a kidney or gallstone and too regular for a fibroid. Well, I can't even speculate as to what that might be.
Jimmy: I can.
[taking his keychain out of his pocket]
Jimmy: It's my magnet, for hanging my keys on the fridge. Best gift I ever got.
[he hovers the magnet over the body, which then sticks to the mass]
Special: Look at that. That's a new one.