500 Best Estelle Getty Quotes

Dorothy: Didn't you sleep well?
Sophia: No, Rose kept me up, the storm scared her, she comes into my room at 2 in the morning begging, crying, just like your father before we got married.
Dorothy: What did you do?
Sophia: I told him 'you're not getting anything till I see a ring on this finger, and a donkey in my father's barn'.
Dorothy: Not Pop, Rose.
Sophia: I told her to get the hell out, she was annoying me.

Leonard: [Sophia put a curse on him with the evil eye] I went out to my garage this morning and found the air had been let out of my tires, I know she's responsible.
Dorothy: Oh come on, Mr. Barton, it was just a coincidence.
Sophia: Coincidence my *eye*.

Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Picture it. Sardinia, 1932.
Blanche: I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily.
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend? Anyway, I'm on a tour of the great caper factories of Sardinia. I was a kooky kid going through my piccata period. A wedge of lemon and a smart answer for everything. Anyway, I was I was slicing an onion when suddenly this big basil tree...
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Sophia: I was hoping the late hour would help to mask that. I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.

Dorothy: Ma, you lied to me.
Sophia: Tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny - I've been messing with your head for almost sixty years.

Sophia: How gullible do you think I am? Do I look like Donna Rice?

Blanche: [brainstorming ideas for Dorothy's Save the Wetlands campaign] How 'bout a celebrity auction.
Sophia: Hey, if you could buy a celebrity at an auction, I'd be showering every morning with Trini Lopez.
Dorothy: Ma, I didn't know you liked Trini Lopez.
Sophia: I don't, but who can I afford on a fixed income!

Dorothy: [Dorothy has just discovered Sophia and Max in bed together] Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia: Afterglow.

Blanche: [entering the room, feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness, we have company. I'm just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
Sophia: Don't worry, Blanche, the dress covers most of it.
Rose: Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And Blanche, this is...
Blanche: Why, you don't have to tell *me*. "From the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11 O'Clock News, this is Jerry Kennedy."
Jerry: Well, I'm flattered.
Sophia: From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl...
[Dorothy quickly covers Sophia's mouth]

Blanche: With George, when I'd hear a noise I'd wake him up, and... then he'd take out his gun, and then... he'd have to find the bullets because I'd always hide the bullets, and then... when he'd found the bullets, we'd make love.
Sophia: Boy, can you tell a story.

Sophia: [seeing Baby, without her glasses] Oh my God that's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma! It's a pig!
Sophia: Hey you were no great looker when I brought you home from the hospital. I loved you anyway!

Dorothy: [re: Sophia hoarding money for 10 years] From now on I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own!
Sophia: You can't do this to me! You never touch the principal. That money's for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore!
Sophia: I'm in my twilight years!
Dorothy: You're in the Twilight Zone! Hopi Indians are walking around saying, 'How does she do it?'

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia: Oh - I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your ...
Dorothy: Ma!

Dorothy: [as Sophia is starting a new job] Ma, I think this'll be good for you. Mr Porter seems like a nice man. I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun there.
Sophia: And don't forget the money. I haven't had a paycheck since 1942. And then I blew it all on war bonds.
Dorothy: Well at least you got it back.
Sophia: No, Italian war bonds. I fell for their slick advertising campaign: Buy Italian war bonds. The quickest, surest, Fascist way to double your money. Well, let's go.
Dorothy: Ma, you want to make a good impression? Matching shoes.
Sophia: They should match my purse?
Dorothy: No, they should match each other.

Sophia: Every generation adds something to the sauce thereby improving it. For instance, it was my great grandmother who added heat.
Rose: What did you add, Sophia?
Sophia: A mouthful of wine.
[Dorothy and Rose look at her]
Sophia: It was an accident! A *delicious* accident!

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

Martha: You have family and friends and laughter... I, hear the silence.
Sophia: We'll talk, we'll talk all the time, you can come over Christmas, New Year's, every Thursday night, I may not be there, but you could always talk to Rose.

[Rose didn't mention the "living" part to the guests of Sophia's living wake]
Blanche: You idiot, everybody thinks she's dead now! Well, we're gonna have to tell them the truth before she comes out.
Sophia: [walking in] Hey, everyone!
[the guests gasp]
Sophia: Thanks for coming to my wake! What do you think of the dress?
[Sophia slowly spins; guests shriek and gasp; a woman faints]
Sophia: Well, excuse me for buying off the rack!

Sophia: [after her magic trick goes awry] This watch is broken.
Dorothy: Ma! Stan gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary!
Sophia: Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Blanche: [after the statue has been unveiled] Oh! My God, I look gorgeous!
Dorothy: You? Blanche, that's me!
Rose: The hell it is!
Blanche: Girls, be serious. Look at those eyes.
Rose: Look at the nose.
Sophia: Look at the butt.
Blanche: Sophia, you can't see the butt.
Sophia: Then it sure can't be you.

[Sophia has been sharing her adventures about the party, all three roommates are pissed]
Sophia: So, Cinderella comes back from the ball and her three ugly stepsisters are jealous.
Dorothy: You left us in jail!
Sophia: I sent the bail money after. You were all out an hour later. About the same time I was sharing an hor d'oeuvre with Dom DeLuise.

Dorothy: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy: Merrill Kell... Who's he?
Sophia: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche: [entering the kitchen] Good morning girls.
Sophia: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.
Dorothy: Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche: Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

Sophia: [Meets Rebecca for the first time] You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
[Rebecca nods "yes"]
Sophia: [Turns to Dorothy and Rose] What'd she model, car covers!

Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Dorothy: Mornin', Ma. How ya feelin'?
Sophia: I'm not sure. What did we have for dinner last night?
Dorothy: Mexican.
Sophia: Oh, then I'm OK.

Magda: [Stan's cousin from communist Czechoslovakia is visiting] Such a beautiful home! Who sleeps with government official?
Dorothy: Oh, that would be my friend, Blanche... And this is my mother, Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia: [skeptical] So, you're Stan's cousin.
Magda: Please don't hold it against me.
Sophia: She's OK.
Dorothy: Sit down, sit down. Tell me, where's Stan? Is he parking the car?
Magda: I take taxi. Stanley and I have disagreement.
Dorothy: Oh, what about?
Magda: He saw himself as human being, I disagreed.

Sophia: Here, Pussycat, taste this.
Dorothy: [she puts the spoon to her mouth, then recoils in pain] Ooooh, Ma, oooh, mmm.
Sophia: [reading] Bring to a near boil. Perfect.
Dorothy: Ma, I could have burned my lips. What are you doing?
Sophia: My eyesight is going, so I like a prank I can hear.

Blanche: Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!
Sophia: Or a pizza.

Dorothy: What could she be doing all this time?
Sophia: You *know* what they're doing.
Dorothy: Yeah, and I also know Stan, we were married for 38 years, and if you added up all the times we did what he is doing right now, Blanche *still* should've been home 10 minutes ago.

Sophia: I'm just here for moral support.
Dorothy: I already got plenty of that from my roommate.
[turns over and finds Bonnie's bed empty]
Dorothy: Oh she's gone! And I never thanked her.
Sophia: Relax, she's not the Lone Ranger, she'll be back, I sent her to the cafeteria to get me a sandwich.

Dr. Harris: What's this, Sophia? I hear we're not feeling well.
Sophia: We? What are you, a partner in this?

Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry. What happened?
Sophia: [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.
[agitated]
Sophia: SHE WAS 88!
Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Dorothy: Ma, you STOLE the Pope's ring?
Sophia: It slipped off his finger, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.

Dorothy: [Sophia is busily cooking] Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?
Sophia: Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.
Dorothy: I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.
Sophia: No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.

Sophia: [Sophia has reservations about the City Council candidate Dorothy is supporting] He's a wimp, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, ma. For your information, Gil Kessler is a very bright man, an honest and devoted civic leader... and probably the biggest wimp I've ever known in my life.
Sophia: That's not all. There's something else I don't like about him.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: I don't know. It's a hunch. I can't put my finger on it. But if I could, I would have to wash it.

Dorothy: We're here to pay for a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.
Sophia: [walks a little bit closer] Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

Rose: [about Phil] So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.
Sophia: [voice cracking] I did love him. He was my son, my little boy. But every time I saw him I wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.
Angela: [tenderly] What he was Sophia, was a good man.
Sophia: [breaking down crying] My baby is gone!

Sophia: [waves the Pope's ring over a glass of water] Wine!
[to Dorothy]
Sophia: It was worth a shot.

Rose: [reading the morning paper] They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.
Dorothy: [assuming it's a joke] Oh, you're kidding. With whom?
Rose: Well, they don't know her name, but look, they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house.
Dorothy: I don't believe th... wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes.
Dorothy: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose: [outraged] That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes!
Dorothy: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen! Rose, Blanche *is* that little floozie!
Rose: You... you mean he...
Sophia: She's at the fifty.
Rose: They...
Sophia: The forty.
Rose: She...
Sophia: The thirty.
Rose: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*!
Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there?

Sophia: I'm going to the market to buy a nectarine. At 83 that's life, a round trip on the number 12 bus to buy a nectarine.
Rose: That's sad.
Sophia: Not sad, life! Sad is when you have to mash the nectarine with a fork!

Sophia: [Salvadore, unseen until now in another room eating a TV dinner, walks toward the door in his coat and hat] Where are you goin'?
Salvadore: Get some air.
Sophia: We got air in the house.
Salvadore: I like beer with my air.
Salvadore: [from outside the door, sheepishly] You wait up for me?
Sophia: Don't I always?
Salvadore: I love you.
Sophia: I love you, too.
Sophia: [to Dorothy] I look at him, I see Errol Flynn.

Dr. Warren: What is a woman your age doing moving furniture?
Sophia: [points to Dorothy] For food.

Rose: You know what I do when I get nervous?
Sophia: Yeah, you toss your cookies.
Rose: Besides that, I sing, a lullaby my mother taught me.

Dorothy: We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: [mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
[panicking]
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Dorothy: [talking about her upcoming trip to New York] I'm going just for two days, to see a doctor. I've asked Rose to go with me.
Blanche: [offended] Rose? Why her?
Dorothy: She's comforting.
Blanche: And I'm not?
Sophia: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.
Blanche: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.
Sophia: [mocking] Angel of mercy!
Blanche: Well I didn't know he was gonna pick that precise hour to die. How could I know that?
Rose: Well, he was in a coma.
Blanche: Oh, he'd been in a coma for days. The fact is, I happen to be very good with sick people. I was once a candy-stripper.
Dorothy: That's *striper*.

Dorothy: Morning, Ma. You sleep well?
Sophia: Naw, I had that recurring nightmare, you know the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty, and he says, Sorry, this is too sick even for me.

Sophia: I think my milestone birthday was when I turned 50.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I remember your 50th. We were supposed to go to a party at Guido's, but you were fighting with Pop.
Sophia: Oh, yeah.
Dorothy: Oh, I'll never forget it. It was Brooklyn, April, 1956.
Sophia: Dorothy.
Dorothy: Yes?
Sophia: I tell the stories around here. Picture it: Brooklyn, April, 1956...

Blanche: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
Rose: No!
Blanche: Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!
Sophia: Get it in writing.

Dorothy: [feels the Pope's ring] Hey, this is real!
Sophia: Of course it's real, you think he wears his fakes out in public like Zsa Zsa does?

Sophia: Heaven Heaven? I went straight to Heaven? No stops, no purgatory?
Man: Purgatory?
[laughs]
Man: Oh, you Catholics!

Administrator: Problems, problems! The world is bringing me problems! And you are?
Sophia: We are the world

Sophia: [speaking into a tape recorder] It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.
Dorothy: [sarcastically] Oh how romantic, a roll in the squid.

Martha: I'm going to decide when I die.
Sophia: I always thought somebody named God did that.

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

Dorothy: Look, you are going to tell Rose the truth.
Sophia: Or?
Dorothy: Remember Shady Pines?
Sophia: Yeah, it wasn't so bad.
Dorothy: I heard they sold it to some Germans.
Sophia: [gets up suddenly] Rose, sweetie, I need to talk to you...

Rose: Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep!
Sophia: Please! I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was seventy.
Rose: I shouldn't complain; I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsie Uteruden back in St. Olaf. She stayed away for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Course she couldn't have done it without the moral support of her children... and her husband... and his cattle prod.

Blanche: [to Rose] Just shut up you bleached blonde bubble-headed...
Sophia: Baboon.
Blanche: Baboon!
[storms out, Dorothy and Rose look at Sophia]
Sophia: She needed a B!

Sophia: It's funny, you think you're dying, you feel death enter your body, a doctor comes, he says you're fine, you're ready to swim the English Chanel.

Sophia: [the girls are sitting in the waiting room with complete silence] My heiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine. We'll keep our voices down.

Rose: [distraught] I tried so hard to impress Caroline.
Blanche: I remember when a woman had to impress a man's *parents*, not his *children*. Oh, Mama Devereaux was fit to be tied when George introduced me. She wanted her boy to marry a *virgin*.
Rose: How did she know you weren't?
Sophia: Maybe it was all the 'honk if you had Blanche' bumper stickers.

Rose: Oh, Sophia, it smells heavenly. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia: Stick it in my heart, Rose! It'll hurt less!

Sophia: Land! I'm a land owner, and it only took me 80 years! I'll be planting soon!
Dorothy: Ma!

George: Blanche honey, I staged my death.
Sophia: [eavesdropping from outside] He stained his desk?
Blanche: But George, I arranged your funeral. The eulogy. The flowers. I even watched them put you in the family mausoleum.
George: Well, what can I say, Blanche? Thanks.

Blanche: Remember Sophia, when you find money, you buy something that you would never buy for yourself.
Sophia: What are you going to buy for yourself, underwear?

Sophia: [discussing the "birds and bees" talk] Thank God I was one of those progressive parents.
Dorothy: Yes, and I was amazed with your scientific explanation. You told me never to let a boy touch me "you know where." And you spelled "where."

Dorothy: Ma, what're you doing up?
Sophia: [sarcastically] Somebody left the lock off my cage.
[seriously]
Sophia: I didn't want to sleep, I was afraid I'd have that dream again.

Sophia: Do you have any idea how much it hurts a mother to see her child in pain? Worse than the 22 hours of labor...
Sophia: It took to bring you into this world. Worse than the burns I got working nights as a fry cook to put you through college. Worse than...
Dorothy: Alright Ma, I'll have the surgery, you win, but you don't play fair.
Sophia: That's why I always win.

[Sophia has been employed at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty resturant and is wearing her pirate uniform]
Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Dorothy: Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall is impossible.
Sophia: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy: Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh, I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat . . .but I did it anyway!

Sophia: I wish I could give her one of my kidneys, let her get up all night.

Sophia: Do you think he'll remember me?
Dorothy: I dunno Ma.
Sophia: I'll remember him.

Dorothy: [enters Sophia's bedroom] Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia: Having a toga party, what's it look like?

Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please, I'm 81 years old, I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like.

Sophia: [narrating the play] "On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey..."
[Blanche runs out on stage in a bird costume looking at herself in a handheld mirror]
Sophia: "... one of the most popular birds in the barnyard."
Blanche: THE most popular.
Sophia: And the 8th graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular... safely.

Rose: Mrs. Claxton, think about what you're doing. That beautiful, old tree is 200 years old. How can you hate a living thing?
Frieda: I hate you.
Rose: That's it! I've had all I'm gonna take from you! Now if you don't have the common decency to treat people like human beings, well then I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time kissing your fanny! Now if you don't like it Mrs. Claxton, you just sit there and shut up while we have our say! And if you don't like it, just drop dead!
[to Dorothy]
Rose: Go on, Dorothy.
[Rose returns to her seat as Freida Claxton keels over]
Dorothy: What happened?
Sophia: You know when you told her to drop dead?
Rose: Yes.
Sophia: I think she did.

Dorothy: Rose, I think Ma has something she'd like to tell you.
Sophia: Yeah, how come your hair never moves when you do?
Dorothy: That's a question, granted a good one, but we're looking for a statement.

Sophia: Well, now that I'm up, I might as well do some shopping.
Dorothy: Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

Dorothy: This death trip is probably harder on her than it is on us.
Blanche: What do you mean harder on her? We're the ones doing everything around here while she's out there... eating life!
Sophia: I ate Life once, not a bad cereal... when we run out of the shredded wheat, let's give it another go.
Dorothy: Ma, go to bed.
Sophia: Maybe I'll have some shredded wheat now, that way we'll get to the Life sooner.

Father: That should do it. All the food's gone.
Sophia: Except the fruitcake. I don't get it, there's more here now than when we started.

Sophia: You're angry.
Dorothy: You're damn right I'm angry. You've been hoarding money for the last ten years and taking advantage of me! Of course I'm angry!
Sophia: No, it's something else.

Ron: [to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go!
[Runs over to Sophia]
Sophia: This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?
Blanche: Well, most people don't know.
Sophia: Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy: I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Blanche: Sophia, why are you up?
Sophia: Same reason you're up.
Blanche: You're filled with anxiety?
Sophia: I'm old.
Blanche: I'm not old.
Sophia: Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your 40's.
Blanche: It's either that or a big rent raise.
Rose: Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?
Blanche: Sophia's old and I'm filled with anxiety.

Sophia: Please! Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.
Dorothy: What do you know about this, Ma?
Sophia: Picture it Sicily, 1914. A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman. It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.

Holly: She's feisty, she's zesty and full of old world charm. Sophia.
Sophia: She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap. Rose's sister.

Fidel: Blanche was right. She said you were incorrigible!
Sophia: I guess I deserve it - I always say she's a cheap slut!

Blanche: Oh, hello, everyone.
Dorothy: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche: Oh, I just happened upon the most divine dress sale. I would've called you girls, but all they had left were petites.
Dorothy: So what did you buy, shoes?
[Blanche smiles happily]
Sophia: I'm a petite. I'd better get over there. I need a black dress for Dr. Silvano's funeral.
[Sophia stopped and grabbed in the arms by Dorothy and Rose]
Dorothy: Dr. Silvano died 2 months ago. You went to his funeral.
Sophia: Right, I can't let him see me in the same dress.
[Sophia better get going but stopped by Dorothy and Rose]
Dorothy: Ma, you're not going anywhere until the doctor comes!
Blanche: Sophia, you can't go anywhere now. I want you to see how good I look in my new dress!

Sophia: Rose, let me gve you a few lessons in economics. Lesson one: quit being an idiot.
Rose: Ok.
Sophia: Lesson number two: the law of supply and demand. Before you supply the sandwihes, you demand the money.
Rose: Ok.
Sophia: Lesson number three: quit being an idiot.

Dorothy: So that's the catch, you'll let us have the Donatello Triplets if we let your new boyfriend in the show as well.
Blanche: Sophia that's blackmail!
Sophia: That's showbusiness.

Dorothy: I thought you were gonna wear something from your closet.
Blanche: Well, I was. But as it turned out, nothing fit me.
Dorothy: What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
Blanche: That's not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Sophia: Of course it does. That's why you have to cover it with a dress.

Rose: [at the reunion] When no-one was looking, I went by the no-show table and got four name tags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong, and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples, and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Sophia: Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?
Dorothy: Go to Hell, Myron.

[Dorothy is worried about Sophia's possible hearing loss]
Dorothy: Look Ma, I am concerned. You're my mother. Can't you just check it out, please?
Sophia: Hee hee hee hee!
Dorothy: What are you laughing at?
Sophia: I'm sorry. I thought you said "I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect. Ree, ree, ree!"

Martha: I don't know what to do.
Sophia: That's the point. If you're not sure, you can't change your mind tomorrow. You wanted me to be here for your death. How about letting me be here for your life?

Salvadore: [yelling] I'm tired of this "old lady" business. You're acting like an ass! You don't look 50. You don't look 48. You're as beautiful as the day I married you.
Sophia: Oh, Salvadore! Tell me that again.
Salvadore: [still yelling] You're acting like an ass!

Sophia: Dorothy, can you drive me to the mall Friday night? They're giving free blood pressure tests, and some of the girls and I have a high-low bet.
Dorothy: Ma, honey, don't you remember? Friday night, we're planning on having dinner at Joe's Stone Crab.
Sophia: Oh?
Dorothy: Honey, it's your wedding anniversary.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.
Dorothy: Ma, you didn't forget, did you?
Sophia: [insulted and defensive] Oh, forgive me, I forgot something. Maybe you should ship me back to Shady Pines. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the living room, being feeble. If I can *find* the living room!

Blanche: [after learning her father, Big Daddy, had an affair with her Mammy] This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds, and then suddenly Big Daddy shouted out, "GLORY!", and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed, then and there, I would *never* do anything so repulsive.
Rose: So what happened?
Blanche: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.
Sophia: Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, yeah. I still remember what you said: "Mommy's sick, get help."
Rose: I would have *died* if I had ever caught my parents having sex.
Dorothy: What, you never walked in on them?
Rose: Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.

Miles: [despite being in the witness protection program, Miles comes back to visit Rose dressed for his new identity as an Amish farmer, and the girls at first mistake him for a rabbi] It's really me. I was hoping to play a trick on you.
Sophia: Silly rabbi, tricks are for kids!

Albert: Can you cook?
Sophia: Are you black?

Sophia: Oh! Oh!
Dorothy: What is it, Ma?
Sophia: Pain!
Dorothy: What kind of pain?
Sophia: The kind that hurts!

Dorothy: [Blanche shares her delight that she's going out with old boyfriend Steven] That's nice. Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.
Sophia: Yeah, but not Stan. The other one.

Merrill: I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?
Dorothy: No.
Merrill: How 'bout you, cutie?
Sophia: Boy, this guy's done hard time!

Claire: Mr. Richards, this store has never been more successful, and it's all due to Jonathan Switcher. I don't care if he puts a rubber glove on his head and runs naked around the store screaming: 'Hi! I'm a squid!'

Blanche: [to Rose] You don't have to worry about me, I'm very healthy. I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Sophia: I was living for the day!
Dorothy: You were MOONING a chain gang!
Sophia: And did you see the looks on their faces? They probably haven't seen a woman in years.
Dorothy: Come to think of it, they did keep up through four warning shots.

Dorothy: [laughs while showing old slides of the family] Pop was sure a lousy photographer. Who is that?
Sophia: Uncle Vittorio.
Dorothy: His head's cut off. How can you tell?
Sophia: Because that's exactly how he looked in the morgue when he turned in state's evidence against Benny the Blade.

Sophia: [Dorothy sees Sophia dancing after she's been faking an injury] I wuv you!
Dorothy: Too wittle, too wate!

Sophia: [on the telephone] Hello? Frank's Flowers? Hey, Frank, Sophia Petrillo here. Listen, I decided the price you quoted me on those centerpieces is too high, so I thought maybe we could make a deal. Now, my daughter is single. What do you mean, 'Is she easy'? You're talkin' about my flesh and blood. Forty percent off? Ohhhh, you bet she's easy!

Dorothy: Look at the way Blanche is nuzzling up to him! I'm not going to take this lying down.
Sophia: I don't think you're gonna be invited.

Sophia: This is really a hospital, I can't believe it.
Dorothy: Ma you have a hernia, where did you think I was taking you, Trampoline Village?
Sophia: I told you, I thought you were taking me back to Shady Pines.
Dorothy: Ma, why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?
Sophia: You took me there after I had a stroke!

Rose: Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?
Sophia: There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!
Blanche: Why are you insulting me?
Sophia: It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
Blanche: Oh, well I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.
Sophia: Thanks, you human mattress.

Blanche: [coming in to Dorothy's room in the middle of the night] What is going on? I heard you laughing, what's so funny?
Sophia: For starters, Jean is a Lesbian.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean, I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche! Lesbian!
Blanche: Lesbian... Lesbian... Lesbian! But isn't that when one woman and another...
Dorothy: We already know what it means.
Blanche: But... Jean's a very attractive woman! She could have any man she wants!
Dorothy: She doesn't want them.
Blanche: Well, why not? A man has so much more to offer, you know what I mean, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yeah, I found that out when Mark Perper was running for class president in the third grade.
Blanche: Why? What does that have to do with anything?
Dorothy: Well, his campaign slogan was, "Vote for me, and I'll show you my wee-wee." He won by a landslide!
Blanche: Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex, but hey, if that's what makes her happy, that's fine by me.
Dorothy: There's one other thing.
Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe it! I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me, that's ridiculous! Now, you tell me the truth! If you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?
Dorothy: Blanche, pull yourself together!
Blanche: Oh, I'm sorry. Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh, good. I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a Lesbian, it'll break her heart!

Sophia: I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.
Dorothy: I think I'm finally beginning to see.
Sophia: Good, then you'll have the decency to lie if anyone asks you about it.
Dorothy: [gently] Of course not, Ma. It all has to go in the family history.
Sophia: Don't do this, Dorothy, don't do something we'll both regret.
Dorothy: I have to, Ma.
Dorothy: [speaking into the tape recorder] In 1920, your great grandmother, Sophia Petrillo, became a pioneer in the Women's Rights Movement. She single-handedly dragged her family into the twentieth century by refusing to be thought of as property, and demanding instead to marry a man she loved. To do so, she had to leave behind everything she'd ever known. And that is the kind of courage and strength that flows through your veins.

Rose: How is it possible to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street?
Sophia: Cheap Chianti and Narrow streets.

Sophia: [Dorothy is helping Sophia deliver meals to the homebound] This is Mrs Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things: one, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.
Dorothy: Got it.
Sophia: [the door opens and Sophia goes in] Oh, Hi, Fluffy. Looking good!... No, Mrs Taylor, it's Flint-STONE, not Flint-STEIN.

Dorothy: Ma, where're you going with all that food?
Sophia: I'm laying supplies for when Rose's mother gets here, she's on a special diet; I hate those people, you turn your back for 2 seconds, BOOM BOOM, your food's gone. Suddenly anything you're eating is on their diet.

Airport: Excuse me. Would you like to buy a flower?
Sophia: Beat it, chrome-dome! And while you're at it, get a job! Get a suit! And get on your knees and beg your mother's forgiveness!

Dr. Richmond: The flu's going around and I'm afraid you've all got it.
Sophia: I told them that 2 days ago. Tell them something new for $150.

Tony: Where did a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things?
Sophia: I live with a slut.
Tony: Thank her for me.

Dorothy: [In response to Sophia making jokes about her birth] Ma, you know you're really hurting my feelings.
Sophia: Not as much as you hurt my oonie.
Dorothy: MA!

Dorothy: [Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Max: Sophia?
Sophia: Dorothy, do you hear a dog howling?

Dorothy: Stan told me his wife left him.
Blanche: And you believed him? I hear that at least twice a week!
Sophia: And it works everytime!

Sophia: Wait, McCracken. Before you begin, I wanna tell you something. I'm no novice when it comes to negotiations.
McCracken: Oh, really?
Sophia: Let me tell you a story. Picture it: Sicily, 1922. An attractive peasant girl, who has saved her lira, embarks on a glorious vacation to a Crimean resort on the Black Sea. For weeks, she frolics at the seaside resort and enjoys the company of many young men, all of whom adore her.
Edna: All of them?
Sophia: Shut up, Edna. I work alone. All of them. When it's time to return to Sicily, three different suitors beg her to stay. But she can't decide who to choose, so she chooses none of them. But she agrees to meet with them at the same resort many years later. To her trio of suitors, that eventful gathering was referred to as "Rendezvous With Sophia." But to the rest of the world, it was better known as the Yalta Conference.

Sophia: Welcome to the George Bush era. Me! Me! Me!

Blanche: I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. Every time I climb into bed I feel guilty.
Sophia: Take down the video equipment.
Blanche: I'm talking about the brass bed. I shouldn't have kept it. Rose was right, it's just like stealing.
Sophia: Then call the store and return it.
Blanche: Oh I couldn't do that, I've had it over three weeks. They won't take it back.
Sophia: How much wear can you give a bed in just three weeks?
Sophia: [Blanche shoots her a look, reminding Sophia of her favourite hobby] I see your point.

Rose: They've cut off Charlie's pension.
Sophia: He's dead, how much does he need?

Dorothy: I would kill my sister if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

Sophia: Do you know how embarrassing it is to drive a car with a bumper sticker that says 'So many men - So little time'?

Dorothy: [after meeting Jimmy, who hasn't been out of his apartment in 22 years] How pathetic a person could live their life totally alone, devoid of companionship or love. I wish I could do something.
Sophia: Start a club!

Sophia: [Sophia has come to bail the girls out of jail] So, who's gonna give me their ticket?
[the girls talk amongst themselves]
Blanche: I won the tickets.
Dorothy: But MY MOTHER is the one bailing us out.
Rose: *I LOST BUTTER QUEEN*! Haven't I suffered enough?
Dorothy: We'll draw straws.
Blanche: NO!
Dorothy: We'll flip a coin.
Blanche: NO!

Dorothy: [impressed with some advice from Blanche] Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.
Sophia: Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

Sophia: Come on, Dorothy, every time you get a new pamphlet, I get that disease. And not just diseases, once I thought I was a Jew for Jesus.

Rose: Isn't Blanche going to help?
Sophia: No, she still won't come out of her room.
Rose: Oh, she's never been in her room that long.
Dorothy: Except for that time with the lifeguard. No, she must really be depressed.
Rose: She'll cheer up when the minks come.
Sophia: If they come from Neiman Marcus.

Blanche: [referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?
Sophia: They'd think it's Tuesday!

Rose: Sophia, look out, he has a gun!
Sophia: [steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!
Dorothy: I don't believe it!
Sophia: Neither do I, you call yourself an Italian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?

Rose: [Complaining about a coworker] The truth is, she's a sweet girl, looking for a friend. And we do have a common bond. She used to be a newscaster. Now, she's just an assistant like me. So, there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. Of course, I'm no psychologist.
Blanche: No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?
Dorothy: Blanche, c'mon, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But, since the cat's outta the bag, how *do* you know those words?
Rose: I guess it's from reading the American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St Olaf, you know. If fact, my uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
Sophia: And what were you? The centerfold?

[last lines]
Blanche: You know, if I had it all to do over again, I'd let you have Fidel.
Sophia: Oh, you're so generous! The man's packing material, now you're letting me have him? I have coat racks livelier than him!
[announcing to the whole congregation as she begins to leave]
Sophia: She's giving him to me. The man's face has more powder on it than Ann Miller's and she's giving him to me. A piece of lumber would make a better dancing partner! Thanks for niente!

Dorothy: [nonchalantly] Ma, where are my dancing shoes?
Sophia: In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's! How the HELL would I know?

Dorothy: [explaining to Rose that Billy can't be in the game as he is under weight] Little bodies dont like it when big bodies fall on them.
Sophia: Which is why Raymond Burr never married.

Dorothy: [after Sophia has given her advice] You're right, Ma.
Sophia: Of course I am! You think I got this old by being stupid?

Dorothy: [a man dressed in hippie outfit opens the door and picks up the meal. Dorothy sees him and looks shocked] Ma! Ma! He's not old. He's a perfectly healthy young man!
Sophia: [Sophia, comes out of one apartment and looks at the man] Just be back before midnight Dorothy.
[Then goes back into the apartment]

Dorothy: Look me in the eye. Did you sleep with Tony Delveccio?
Sophia: A little.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Blanche made me do it.
Dorothy: [incensed] What, don't you have a mind of your own? If Gladys Goldfine told you to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you?
Sophia: Who blabbed?

Rose: Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

Sophia: [after wandering out into the street without her glasses] Dorothy, who the hell parked a Buick in my bedroom?

Sophia: [seeing Rose with Miles after she's been with Buzz] Oh, my God! Now she's with the other boyfriend! It's like living with Cher!

Dorothy: Ma, we need to talk. I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.
Sophia: Oh, yea, Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.
Dorothy: I called Wolfie's at 11, you weren't there.
Sophia: Guess who got lucky?
Dorothy: Oh God!
Sophia: What can I say? A couple of egg creams, the bright fluorescent lights, and a retired jeweler named Shlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.
Dorothy: Not for me. I can't tell you the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you, although none as horrible as what you just described.

Sophia: I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Sophia: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite: What is she talking about?
Sophia: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Blanche: [to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.
Sophia: Who are you, Mr. Spock?
Rose: I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.
Sophia: They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?

Dorothy: [after Sophia makes a comment about her killing her] Ma, you're just being silly. Here, have some tea.
Dorothy: [tone changes to menacing] It'll relax you.
Sophia: I don't trust it. Rose, you taste it.
Dorothy: [just as Rose is about to take a sip] ROSE, DON'T! That tea was for my mommy.

Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
Sophia: Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.

Sophia: I'm knitting a cover for the sherry.
Rose: Why do we need a cover for the sherry?
Sophia: Not the sherry here at the house, the sherry I take to the park. You drink out of a brown paper bag and suddenly everybody's your friend.

Leonard: Where's the old witch?
Gladys: Leonard, don't call her a witch, you'll get another boil on your butt.
Leonard: Tell the world, Gladys!
[to Sophia]
Leonard: I'm begging you, my clocks are all wrong, I can't find my golf clubs, I can't sleep, I can't eat!
Dorothy: Can't sit.
Gladys: That too... please, take the curse off.
Sophia: You'll move the tree?
Leonard: It'll be out of here first thing in the morning.
Sophia: Fine.
[burps]
Leonard: Does that mean the curse is over?
Sophia: That means I shouldn't eat asparagus at dinner.
[snaps her fingers]
Sophia: That means it's over!

Sophia: [to Michael who's in bed with Bridget] You come into our house and act like a common gigolo, you've embarrassed me, your mother, and our friends, not to mention that poor stupid flat chested girl.

Blanche: Well that's all of the presents, except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Sophia: Wait a minute, what about the one Blanche hid behind the couch?
Rose: Oh my present for you!
[picks it up and gives it to Blanche]
Rose: I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Dorothy: [grinning] Neither can I.
Blanche: [opens the present hesitantly, surprised] Rose! It's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you'd want something crotchless.

Sophia: Hold your hands out.
Dorothy: What for?
Sophia: So I can say 'hi' like Magic Johnson.
[slaps her ten]

Sophia: Reminds me of the place I met Charles de Gaulle. We were lovers, you know.
Raymond: Really?
Dorothy: Ma, that's a lie.
Sophia: Who asked you?
Sophia: Picture it: Sicily, 1921. A beautiful young peasant girl saves her lira and takes a trip to Paris, the city of lights, also the only place a guy can wear a cape without getting a lot of funny looks. She wanders into a restaurant and ends up sharing a table with a dashing young Frenchman. They drink, they talk, they burn a cork and draw mustaches on each other.
Raymond: What?
Sophia: Just wanted to see if you were listening. Anyway, the next thing she knows, it's hours later, the place is empty, and the Frenchman's got his schnoz down her blouse. This begins a beautiful love affair. Kids, I was that peasant girl, and the schnoz was Charles the Mole.
Raymond: Charles the Mole?
Sophia: Yeah, Charles the Mole. He was the wheel man for Louie the Ice Pick.
Dorothy: Ma, you said Charles de Gaulle.
Sophia: Yeah, right! I slept with Charles de Gaulle. I could've been the first lady of France, but I married your father instead. A man who cleans his toenails with a shrimp fork.

Sophia: The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage which I had later annulled.
Dorothy: And?
Sophia: [impatiently] And I shot him just to watch him die! What do you mean 'and'?
Dorothy: I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?
Sophia: We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.
Dorothy: What was the family business?
Sophia: Getting even.

Sophia: Dorothy, I'm going to the hospital now, if I'm not back soon, then that'll mean Agnes is dead, and if she is, that'll make you a murderer, have a nice time, pussycat.

Dorothy: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I'm gonna have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Sophia: Rose, before you bring out the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added to it?
Rose: Well I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll give you a hint: they're sugary, and they're gggggggrrrreat!

Blanche: You may not have noticed this but I've put on 3 pounds.
Sophia: On each side.

Sophia: I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was seventeen.
Rose: What happened then?
Sophia: [to Dorothy] Your father put his hand in my blouse.
Blanche: So?
Sophia: So, I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.

Dorothy: [scratching off their tickets] What if you get three palm trees?
Sophia: You don't have three palm trees, that means you win $10,000.
Dorothy: Ma, I know what three palm trees looks like.
Sophia: You also know what a handsome doctor looks like, doesn't mean you have one.

Sophia: [twentysomething Michael is intent on marrying Lorraine, a 44-year-old black woman; Lorraine's mother and two aunts have come by to discuss how to prevent the marriage] You know, I'm glad you showed up. There's something important we didn't discuss this afternoon, and I'd like to get that cleared up before we talk about anything else.
Greta: What is it?
Sophia: Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche: Oh yes, definitely.
Blanche: [everyone stares at Blanche in disbelief as she realises what she's said] Oh yes, definitely, that is something I would like to know about, too.
Dorothy: Blanche, please, that's a stereotype.
Trudy: Call it whatever you want. I'm just grateful it's true!
[the fact that Trudy, Lorraine's aunt, is black herself has provided a certain credibility]

Blanche: [Abot Rose's recent behavior] I am abhorred!
Sophia: [Overhearing] We know what you are, Blanche, I'm glad to hear you finally admitting it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: A whore, a slut, a tramp - they're all the same.

Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell out of me.

Dorothy: [about men] They're so much better at answering the phone in the middle of the night.
Blanche: That's not all they're good at.
Sophia: [from the far corner of the living room] And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.
Dorothy: [turns on the lights] Ma, what're you doing sitting here in the dark?
Sophia: Why not? I've already seen the living room in the light.

Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Is it morning already?
Dorothy: No. No, I just wanted to ask you a question.
Sophia: What?
Dorothy: How would you react if you were told that one of your kids was gay?
Sophia: Your brother, Phil, is gay? I knew it! When he was a kid, we couldn't keep him away from those gladiator movies!
Dorothy: Ma, Phil is not gay.
Sophia: You mean, you're gay? What, your friend, Jean, is having some sort of membership drive?
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Dorothy, I know you don't get many dates, but stick with what you know. At your age, it's very hard to break into something new. G'night.
Dorothy: Ma, Ma, I am not gay. I just wanted to get your reaction.
Sophia: I'll tell you the truth, Dorothy. If one of my kids was gay, I wouldn't love him one bit less. I would wish him all the happiness in the world!
Dorothy: That's because you're the greatest mother in the world, and I love you.
Sophia: Fine. Now keep your fat mouth shut so I can get some sleep.

Aunt: [referring to Stuart] I think he's grown a little since we've been here.
Grandma: That's what happened to me. One summer, I just shot right up!
[Grandpa Spencer, dubious, stares at the diminutive Estelle]

Sophia: [to Virginia] I'd offer you one of my kidneys but I think you'd rather have one you can control.

Sophia: Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia?
Dorothy: Your cousin, Ma. She only has weeks to live.
Sophia: Oh. Next time I'll accept the charges.

Blanche: Wait Sophia, where are you going?
Sophia: To my room!
Rose: You can't! It could be dangerous!
Sophia: Please! I'm Eighty, bathtubs are dangerous.

Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women?
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Sophia: Phyllis Gluckman is giving me a ride to my acting lesson. If I'm gonna be in a commercial, I want to be good.
Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about? The commercial is off.
Sophia: No it isn't. I got the director to change his mind.
Blanche: Then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
Sophia: No, he doesn't want to get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
Blanche: But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothing to show for it.
Sophia: Welcome to show business.

Sophia: [Blanche and Harry leave for their date, closing the door as they leave] Sophia:
[to Dorothy and Rose]
Sophia: The man is a scuzzball!

Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Dorothy: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia: That was business!

Stan: Morning ladies. Hey the way you leave that back door open any idiot could walk in here.
Sophia: Any idiot did!

[last lines]
Burt: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt: Sophia around?
Sophia: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt: How about a little lunch?
Sophia: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt: Great.
Blanche: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia: Yeah.
Burt: Which one's the slut?
Blanche: I am!

McCracken: [Sophia and two of her elderly colleagues, are negotiating with their harsh boss, a restuarant manager - who is approximatly 15-years-old] ... Look the only reason I came over here was so you didn't cause a scene at the Chow Wagon when I fired you!
Sophia: ...Fired us?
McCracken: You heard me! And no story you could tell is going to make me change my mind.
Edna: NOT even the one we could tell your father about how his car got dented while you were doing wheelies and NOT while it was sitting in the parking lot?
McCracken: You wouldn't do that? Would you?
Sophia: Hey - she's your Grandmother has she ever lied to you?

Blanche: [Rose talks about boys and girls having chores on the farm] But you grew up in the country, David's a city boy.
Dorothy: Oh come on Blanche, I'm from New York, I did chores: I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Sophia: My my, did you attend a military school?
Blanche: No, she lived with me!

[Dorothy is in dire financial straits following an audit and needs to raise $2500 in a month]
Dorothy: ...I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it! No daughter of mine is "Selling her stuff". It's immoral. It's a sin. And let's face it Dorothy, lately you can't give it away!
Dorothy: Ma, I'm talking about selling some of my belongings!

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

Blanche: Now, Sophia! We had an understanding! Try to be reasonable.
Sophia: Reasonable? I come to bail you out and I still don't get to go?
[Sophia snatches the tickets from Blanche and steps back]
Jail: Are these your roommates, Mrs. Petrillo?
Sophia: [beat] No. Never seen them before in my life!
Dorothy: MA!
Sophia: Don't you "Ma" me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: How can you do this to your own flesh and blood?
Sophia: You'll get over it, Dorothy. And if not...
Sophia: [beat] WHO CARES! I'M GONNA SEE BURT REYNOLDS!

Blanche: Well, now I know why Hemingway killed himself. Oh, girls, I have writer's block. It is the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: [ignoring Sophia] You just sit there, hour after hour after hour...
Sophia: Tell me about it.

Sophia: [Sophia and Dorothy go back to Brooklyn] Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids playing stickball on the corner...
Dorothy: [as gently as she can] Ma, they were beating a man. That's sort of why I called the police.

Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.

Sophia: My laundry's more fun, Rose, you ever see panties from the 20s? They've got pockets on 'em.

[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]
Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
Dorothy: Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

Dorothy: Ma I do not snore.
Sophia: Please I had to roll you over so you wouldn't inhale the drapes.

Rose: Sophia, this is the meanest thing you've ever done.
Sophia: Oh come on, how about the time I buried you up to your neck in the sand and let kids throw baseballs at you for a quarter?
Rose: Well I can't hold that one against you, that was for charity.
Sophia: Yeah charity, right.

Rose: So, Ham, what's "Ham" short for?
Sophia: My guess is "ham and potatoes"!

Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear white?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was in escrow!

Sophia: [to Rose, who's dragging her feet on the floor] Rose, don't make fun of old people.
Rose: I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.
Sophia: Do they come in headbands?

Sophia: I don't get to know?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: Okay. Have it your way. But nobody can keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever that guy is hiding I can smoke it out of him in three or four quick questions.
Clayton: [entering the kitchen] Hello, ladies.
Sophia: Perfect timing!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather were having?
Clayton: Oh, it's lovely.
Sophia: I see. Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton: No. But it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia: Interesting
[holds up 2 fingers]
Sophia: How many fingers am I holding up?
Clayton: Two.
Sophia: Fine. You can go back in the living room now.
[Clayton exits]
Sophia: The man's as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy: Ma, that... that is incredible! How did you know?
Sophia: I heard him singing in the shower. He's the only man I ever knew who knows all the words to "Send In the Clowns".

Rose: Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl, one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia: [cuts off Rose] Excuse me, Rose. Have I given you any indication at all that I care?

Dorothy: I really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress. What do you say?
Sophia: What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy. I was there for you when you needed a communion dress. I was there for you when you needed a prom dress. I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress. And frankly, I'm sick of it - buy your own damned dress.

Sophia: Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I'd rather live with a Lesbian than a cat. Unless a Lesbian sheds - that I don't know.

Sophia: Leap year, full moon, the curse!
Dorothy: Come on Ma, it's the 90s. Call it what it is: our monthly visitor.

Dorothy: What did you do with it?
Sophia: [grabs a vase with flowers] Stand back, I'm not afraid to use this.
Dorothy: Spill it, Ma.
[Sophia dumps the water out of the vase]
Dorothy: What you did with the jacket, Ma!
Sophia: I'm scared, I'll do anything you say.

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?
Sophia: A nice, thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew!
Dorothy: I'll start soaking the corn flakes now.

Sophia: Dorothy, let me tell you a story. Picture it. Sicily, 1922. A young military officer stationed far from home. He wanders the streets seeking a friendly face and a glass of Chianti. Finally, he happens into a dusty little cafe where he finds both. The man laughs for the first time in months. And finds inspiration in a beautiful peasant girl, wise beyond her years. When the cafe is closed, she takes him home with her. Three glorious days, they make love and drink wine. He returns to his command prepared to lead his people through whatever battles need to be fought. Dorothy, that young peasant girl was me. And that young man was Winston Churchill.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that whole thing up, now what is your point?
Sophia: That I made it up. It was a little lie that gave me a lot of pleasure. If Rose is happy, and there was no harm done, let her have that.

Rose: Surprise!
Sophia: [coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!
Rose: We thought you were Mario.
Sophia: You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.

Rose: Do we all remember what today is?... It's the one hundred and seventeenth anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.
Sophia: I love him. Always nippin' at your nose.
Rose: That was Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV. Heh, heh. Who's the dumb one now?
Dorothy: Ahh, you're still the reigning champ, Rose. That was David Frost. Robert Frost was a famous American poet.
Sophia: And when I was with him, he was always nippin' at my nose.

Blanche: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy: Rambo?
Rose: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

Sophia: It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?
Sophia: No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from.
Rose: Sophia, why're you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Forgive me Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

[a priest is at the door, but Dorothy thinks he's answering her ad in the personals]
Dorothy: I don't believe this! I'm gonna call the COPS if you don't get out of here *right now*, you SICK PERVERT!
Sophia: Hi, Father Rossi. Here's the canned goods for the needy.
Dorothy: [to Father Rossi] Oh, my God. I am so very sorry. I promise I'll say "Hail Mary's" until Madonna gets a hit movie.

Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Dorothy: Ma, the doctor says you're healthy as a horse. Well, actually, the doctor in our pre-paid health plan says you're healthy as a camel. I assume in his country it's the same as a horse.
Sophia: You know, Dorothy, for an extra five dollars we can get a doctor who sees patients one at a time.

Blanche: [the heart doctor asks Blanche to wear a Holter Monitor] He wants to match the heartbeats that this records to my activities, so for the next 24 hours, I have to write down everything I do.
Sophia: And you're not embarrassed to have him read that smut?

Sophia: [after Rose has done yet another stupid thing] Your heart is in the right place, Rose, but I don't know where the hell your brain is.

Dorothy: I want you to rail against it, Ma.
Sophia: I said I wasn't afraid to die anymore, I didn't say I was ready to die. You don't have to believe this, Pussycat, but stop trying to take it away from me.

Blanche: [the doorbell rings, and Sophia expects it's her date, as Blanche coaches her] Take your glasses off. And you know, it's a good idea if you can find something to compliment him on.
Sophia: [she opens the door, and without her glasses she can't tell it's really Miles, not her date] Hi. Is it my imagination, or do you have less hair on your knuckles?
Miles: Well, it could be, Sophia. At my age, everything starts to go.
Rose: Sophia, it's Miles.
Miles: [to Sophia] Hey, you look beautiful!
Sophia: Boy, it has been a long time for you, hasn't it, big fella?

Blanche: [Sophia has volunteered to watch Dreyfuss, the neighbor's dog and the dog has gone missing] You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?
Sophia: I have no recollection period since last Thursday.

Rose: [Offscreen] Oh, my God!
[Blanche and Dorothy get up from the table and go into the bedroom where Rose is talking to see what is wrong]
Bridget: [Sheepishly; Bridget is in bed with Michael] Hi there.
Rose: Oh, girls, don't look!
Dorothy: Michael Zbornak, you get out of that bed *right* now!
Michael: Believe me, Mom, I'd like to, but in light of the fact that my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Rose: Oh, my God, they're naked!
Dorothy: People usually are in this situation, Rose.
Blanche: Unless they're all dressed up in costumes.
[Dorothy gives Blanche a look and Rose winces]
Blanche: Sorry.
Sophia: [Enter Sophia] What's all the commotion?
[Sees Bridget and Michael in bed]
Sophia: Oh, *boy.*
Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please, I'm 80 years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it *looks* like.

Dorothy: Ma, I'm going to ask you something and no matter how you answer, I'll know it's true. Did you tell John to go away the night of my prom because you didn't like the way he was dressed?
Sophia: Well...
Dorothy: LIAR!

Sophia: Don't turn your back on your mother, Rebecca. Don't let your little girl grow up without a grandmother. I'm 85 and I still cherish all the memories that I had with mine.

[last lines]
Sophia: You know, in the right hands and the right bag, this chipped beef is not half bad.

Sophia: One day Henny Penny was sleeping under an acorn tree and an acorn fell and hit her on the head. Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told us this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.

Claire: Good news, Jonathan. We've not only decided to keep you on, but I'm promoting you to visual merchandiser.
Jonathan: [surprised] You're kidding! That's great! What is it?
Claire: Just keep doing what you did last night and you'll be fine.
Jonathan: Mrs. Timkin, I'm not sure I can do it again. Last night might have been a one-time inspiration.
Claire: [encouraging] Oh Jonathan, don't doubt yourself. Go with it. Feel it. You're doing the job you were meant to do.
Mr. Richards: Well, you must lead a charmed life. It was all I could do to save your skin in there. No thanks are necessary, Switcher!

Blanche: I didn't listen to my children, you don't see any of them coming to visit me, do you?
Sophia: [dressed all in black with a veil included] I can't even see my hand in front of my face.

Sophia: [to a guy sitting next to her] I bet this is more fun than giving blood!

Sophia: [Miles is storming out and Rose is behind him] Miles... Rose!
Rose: Not now, Sophia.
Sophia: [Dorothy comes out of the kitchen] Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Dorothy: Not now, Ma.
[looks at her]
Dorothy: Alright, but this better be good.
Sophia: That depends, how good would you consider, the Pope's ring?

Dorothy: Ma, you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes, you can't be in the show.
Sophia: You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Sophia: [on how she became the proud new owner of a giant-screen TV] The salesman tried to jerk me around on the price, but once he found out I was Jessica Tandy, I got a deal!

Rose: [the girls are discussing Blanche's notion of marrying her late husband's brother, Jamie] I remember back in St Olaf, when Inge Engstrand married her late husband's brother, Lars, and the whole town was shocked. 'Course, that could have been because at the time Inge was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.
Dorothy: It was probably a factor.
Rose: The trial went on for months. Attorneys' fees cost her an arm and a leg.
Sophia: [impatiently] Rose, get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.
Rose: So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.
Sophia: [incredulous] They let her go?
Rose: No, they hanged her.

Sophia: Dorothy, where I come from you learn never to turn your back on family! NEVER! When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn their back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.

Tamara: [a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose: Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!
Tamara: I'll be right back.
Blanche: Oh good, we can sneak out.
Rebecca: Mother!
Dorothy: Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...
[another scream]
Dorothy: morphine?
Rebecca: I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.
[another cry]
Rebecca: Why is she screaming?
Sophia: She's conscious!
Rebecca: [another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
[sudden horrific scream]
Tamara: You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
Dorothy: We don't need the whole tour.

Blanche: My backside is spread all across the front page! How could they do that?
Sophia: They probably used a wide-angle lens.

Man: We're getting a televangelist and quite frankly, I'm excited.
Sophia: How come?
Man: We've never had one here before.

Sophia: I never understood why people throw rice at weddings anyway.
Dorothy: Because Tomatoes leave stains.

Sophia: When was the last time you had sex?
Rose: A... couple weeks ago.
Sophia: Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.
Rose: I'm... I'm the queen?
Dorothy: You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Dorothy: [joins Sophia, looking through the family photo album] Look, here we all are.
Sophia: Your Sweet Sixteen party, right?
Dorothy: Right. Oh, look at that beautiful chiffon dress.
Sophia: Yeah, your brother Phil always did like to make a splash.

Sophia: [Scene missing from DVD releases] Hey, where's my microwave popcorn?
Rose: We gave it away. Since Blanche got her pacemaker the doctor says we can't use the microwave.
Sophia: But I love that popcorn!
Dorothy: Ma, if we use the microwave, Blanche could die.
Sophia: Same thing with Cup O'Noodles?
Dorothy: We're not going to use it, Ma. As a matter of fact, tomorrow the people from Goodwill are coming to pick it up.
Sophia: But I love this microwave. I'm 83 years old, do you want me to spend what little time I have left waiting for a baked potato?
[Later after Blanche leaves the room]
Sophia: For this we're giving up Cheez Whiz nachos?

Rob: Hello.
Sophia: Hello. Tell me, how many of me do you see?
Bob: We're twins.
Rob: We're here to see Blanche.
Sophia: I guess she's back on the vitamins. C'mon in.

Sophia: [enters the living room dressed as Sonny Bono] Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?
Rose: Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?
Sophia: Just play the music, Rose.

Rose: We were telling Best Sex Ever stories, Sophia.
Dorothy: Yeah, but now we're tired of telling them, so why don't we go to bed, huh?
Sophia: No, wait. It's a good thing I'm up, because it so happens that I have a story for you, the sex story to end all sex stories. Sicily, 1922. I stop by a little trattoria. No, wait. I'm thinkin' of the best meal I ever had.

Rose: I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town!
Dorothy: Rose, you've really tempted me, but I do have other plans.
Rose: You have a date.
Sophia: [Choking on a cookie] Never say that while I'm eating!
Dorothy: I'm teaching history for an adult education program. It's for people who never got their high school diplomas.
Rose: What else do they teach?
Dorothy: Oh, the usual high school subjects.
Rose: You mean, like the three Rs? Reading, Writing, and Rooster inseminating?
Dorothy: No, we just teach the first two Rs, Rose.
Rose: Fine! But you're gonna be sending people out into the world who don't know, you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don't warm your hands up first!

Sophia: Dorothy, do you have any cough drops?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: Hard candy?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: Tic Tacs?
Dorothy: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia: Actually, it does, you cheapskate!

Sophia: [the 8-year-old boys' football team and coach Sophia come home after the game] Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose, we lost, and we all changed our names to Victor.

Blanche: [Blanche comes into the kitchen, wearing a Western outfit and an empty holster] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance, did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Dorothy: Blanche, you look ridiculous.
Blanche: Well, I do not! I'm a cowgirl. Yippe-i-o, K-Y.
Dorothy: Ki-yay.
Blanche: Oh, well, whatever. Have you seen my gun?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Well, damn. What's the point of wearin' this if I've got nothin' to put in it?
Sophia: I say the same thing every morning when I put on my bra.
Dorothy: Blanche, why are you dressed like that?
Blanche: Because I am goin' to an authentic, Texas-style barbecue, and my date is a real-live cowboy.
Dorothy: [astonished] Morty Fishbein is a real-live cowboy?
Blanche: He's from Amarillo, Texas. He was the grand marshal of the B'nai B'rith rodeo for three years straight. Who better to go with to a barbecue?
Blanche: [the 'phone rings, Blanche answers] Hello? Morty... threw your back out puttin' your boots on? You're in traction? Oh, I guess this means you're gonna be a little late? Oh, all right.
Blanche: [she hangs up] Well, can you believe that? Because of one little slipped disc, Morty is not takin' me to the barbecue.
Dorothy: What a shame. You'll miss the foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset".

Sophia: Break out the finger sandwiches. Mr. Astaire looks like he's hungry!

Sophia: If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie, I almost wet myself!
Dorothy: Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey!

Dorothy: A feather, that's a symbol, isn't it?
Sophia: What're you talking about?
Dorothy: Oh don't play dumb with me, Ma, everything from Sicily means something: a black rose means a loved one is dying, a white carnation means a newborn is on the way, a dead rabbit means 'My husband knows, get out of town'.
Rose: Knows what?
Dorothy: The score to South Pacific, Rose!

Trudy: [reminiscing about their long history of playing practical jokes on each other, conversation turns to Dorothy's loss to Trudy for class treasurer in High School] I admired you after that loss, Dorothy. You just picked up the pieces and went on, just like you did after Stanley ran off with that stewardess. Boy, I envy you your gumption.
Dorothy: And I your breast implants.
Blanche: This may not be my place, but you two hardly sound like old friends.
Trudy: Blanche is right. We should be more positive. Dorothy, you look wonderful.
Dorothy: Awww. The left one turned out nice.
Rose: [scolding] Dorothy...
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Rose, I'm just kidding. They're both practically the same size. How 'bout giving me a hand in the kitchen.
Jack: Were they like that in High School, Mrs Petrillo?
Sophia: Oh, no, her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.

Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Dorothy: Rose, are you sure you'll be alright here alone?
Sophia: She'll be fine, if anybody breaks in she'll just have to sleep with them.

Sophia: Who knew a little old lady with a tin can could make so much dough?

Sophia: [Rose brings an elderly black couple while looking for Lillian] Rose, what the hell is going on? I ask for Lillian, you bring me Eubie Blake's parents!

Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No. And if I ever start acting like her, PULL THE PLUG!

Sophia: Doggy, I don't know if you noticed but I'm all skin and bones.
[Samson licks his mouth]
Sophia: Oh, I shouldn't say "bones".

Sophia: [to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.
Nurse: Oh, you're Pussycat, too?
Dorothy: *I* am Pussycat One. *YOU* are Pussycat Two!

Sophia: [to the doctor at the sperm bank] Just out of curiosity, you don't have any Tony Bennett stocked away?
[Dorothy comes back to take Sophia away]

Dorothy: [comes up behind Sophia and holds a knife at her throat] A throat... a throat is almost always cut from behind.
Sophia: Not part of the show, people! Not part of the show!
Dorothy: Being right handed, I would slash from left to right, but since the knife was found to the left of the victim, we can deduce that the murderer is left handed. Notice that Gloria like most left handed people wears her wristwatch on her right wrist!

Rose: You're not having company, are you, Blanche? Because I want everything to go smoothly for Miles and Caroline. It's a big step meeting a man's family.
Blanche: [Blanche's scheme is to meet men by telling them she's selling a Mercedes she doesn't have] Don't worry about it, honey, men'll be over, but they'll be in and out all day.
Dorothy: Don't say it, Ma.
Sophia: I have to, Dorothy. At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way.
Blanche: [later] My first appointment's here, right on time. I've been out there watchin' him. He's been lookin' at the car and smilin'. I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure.
Dorothy: You catch 'em, you clean 'em.
Blanche: [James is her first "customer" for the phantom Mercedes, as Blanche goes into action] You stay right there, and I'll get the keys.
James: How much mileage has she got on her?
Dorothy: [Sophia looks to Dorothy for a comeback to this tempting line] Let's just say that she's been around the block.
James: [Blanche comes back with the keys, and they go outside] I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap.
Sophia: [she covers Sophia's mouth, until Blanche and James are gone] I'm crampin' up!

Dorothy: Then I stood up at the podium and I said 'my name is Dorothy and I have a gambling problem'. When I left Gamblers' Anonymous 15 years ago I thought I'd never have to say those words again.
Rose: Let's hope this time they can cure you.
Dorothy: You're never really cured, you just have to learn to just take one day at a time.
Rose: Well of course you have to take one day at a time Dorothy, if you took them two at a time you'd be constantly changing your underwear.
Sophia: Go ahead, stand up and say 'my name is Rose and I'm an idiot'.

Sophia: [to Blanche] How long is this story? I'm eighty; I have to plan.

Dorothy: [happily] Ma.
Blanche: Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcases. Does that mean you're not leaving?
Sophia: I don't get it. I'm only gone for a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut while the slut's in here being stupid! Of, course I'm back!

[Sophia is asking a store clerk for help in choosing the perfect nectarine]
Clerk: ...I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
Sophia: No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!

Dorothy: I've had it. I've just had it. In the past few days, I have been turned down for every available part-time job in Dade County that didn't involve selling cocaine.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, it's just so unfair. They shouldn't be allowed to do this to a fine teacher like you.
Dorothy: Well, it's part of the experimental year-round school system. Every teacher is required to take a ten-week leave, and my ten weeks are now.
Sophia: This wouldn't have happened if you'd taken the job I wanted you to take.
Dorothy: Ma, you wanted me to be a nun.
Sophia: Right. It's steady work, they supply the uniform, and you're married to God. At least he's home every night.

Coco: Tea, Sophia?
Sophia: How about a gin with a beer back?

Dorothy: You invited 15 men and no women.
Blanche: Dorothy I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia will be here, you'll have somebody to talk to.
Sophia: No fair, I had to talk to her the last time.

[Mr. Richards and Felix have been arrested for their greedy actions]
Jonathan: Mrs. Timkin, those video cameras. Did they pick up everything last night?
Claire: [smiles coyly] I only saw what I needed to see.
Roxie: [to Emmy] Just where do you come from?
Jonathan: Roxie, you would never understand.
[Jonathan and Emmy leave the store room before Roxie]
Hollywood: [snaps his fingers to B.J. in a justified manner] Mm-hmm.

Sophia: [as Blanche leaves with her date in Dorothy's mink stole] I hope he's taking you to a cold climate!

Sophia: [in response to one of the other elderly residents' telling her how good it is to have her back again] Well, it's good to BE back. They may not have wanted an activities director here, but they've GOT one! So come on - - let's get **active**.
[clicks on a portable boombox with a tape of dance-music, then turns amicably to an elderly Black gentleman in a wheelchair who's sitting a few feet away]
Sophia: Mr. Lewis, would you like to dance?
[He shrugs agreeably, so Sophia puts a hand on his shoulder and grips the wheelchair's arm in her other hand, then slowly waltzes them around in a small area, while the man just sits still and blithely goes along for the ride]
Sophia: Oh, I can see that you've had LESSONS.
Mr. Porter: [hearing the commotion of the impromptu elders' party and hurriedly showing up in the room with a shocked disgusted expression] Oh, for cryin' out loud - - what's in tarnation's going on here?
Sophia: [in an innocent but determined tone] Seniors' dance night, Mr. Porter... care to join us?
Mr. Porter: [giving a unimpressed impatient wincing wheeze and waving his arm to halt the festivities] Okay, come on - - party's over. Everybody back to bed!
Mr. Lewis: [in a pleased, slightly dreamy tone] I danced tonight - - first time in 27 years!
Sophia: [staring at Mr. Lewis with a slightly startled expression] Why, Mr. Lewis - - you can SPEAK! How come you've never spoken before?
Mr. Lewis: [grinning broadly] Nobody was LISTENING - - not until YOU got here.
Mr. Porter: [sulkily] I'VE been here - - you could have spoken to ME.
Mr. Lewis: [twisting his mouth in disgusted revulsion] Well, ah dohn LIKE **you**...!
Sophia: Don't you SEE, Mr. Porter? You're not LISTENING to these people - - I mean, you ignore their thoughts and feelings, and you make them feel old.
[turning to address Dorothy, who has been standing by during this conversation]
Sophia: And Pussycat, you make me feel old, too - - you treat me like I'm not capable of making my own choices.
Dorothy: [gently but fervently] Well, Ma - - I did it because I CARE about you! I was afraid of losing you if I didn't look after your well-being.
Sophia: [understandingly but a little pointedly] I know that. But Pussycat, give me air. I know that you love me, but perhaps we can **both** start making decisions about me - - **together**.
Dorothy: [putting her arm around Sophia and hugging her close] We will, Ma.

Sophia: What am I! Two years old? I don't know my own symptoms? I've lived in this body since I was born. If something goes wrong I'm the first one to hear about it.

Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: No, Blanche is depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia can only stare in silence at their eccentric companion]

Dorothy: [reminiscing] All of us on the tennis team decided that we would wear our tennis whites to the prom. Well, I showed up and... I was the only one.
Blanche: Oh, your date must have been horrified.
Sophia: No, her brother was a really good sport about it.

Sophia: [finding thousands of dollars in Rocco's bag] When we got to the bank, Rocco told me to stay in the car with the motor running. A few minutes later he came running out of the bank carrying that bag.
Dorothy: And did you think to ask him *why* he was running?
Sophia: No, the man's taking diuretics for a prostate problem, his whole life is the 100 yard dash.

[Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle]
Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?
Blanche: Well there must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah. They're called lesbians.

Sophia: Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Sophia: Go do some road work, Pepe.
Pepe: Que?
Sophia: Immigration, Pepe! Immigration!

Sophia: [Rose mistakes the wrong woman for Lillian] That's not Lillian!
Rose: You said you were Lillian!
Woman: You think I'm in here because I'm good with names?

Blanche: [on a first date, Blanche brings along Sophia and introduces her as her Grandmother] Having a chaperon is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, and make my own clothes.
Sophia: We was po'.
Ted: Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperon.
Blanche: Well, as I said, it was a tradition. We Southern families stick together.
Sophia: We sho' do.
Ted: Well, I suppose it's been nice, having someone look after you since you were young.
Sophia: I had to. When she was fifteen, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it: me with a crowbar, prying cousins off, left and right.

Sophia: What's going on in here?
Dorothy: Ma, Stan bought a Corvette without telling me!
Sophia: So what? Your father used to do things without telling me all the time! How do you think I got pregnant with your brother, Phil?

Dorothy: Ma, what're you doing sitting in the dark?
Sophia: Conserving energy for those who'll be alive after Saturday.

Rose: [coming into the kitchen] Hi, girls. What a great day. I feel so terrific. It's like life is a giant weenie roast, and I'm the biggest weenie.
Sophia: No argument from this corner.

Rose: I just had a thought...
Sophia,97099: Congratulations.

Dorothy: [Dorothy is lying down on the couch with her eyes closed when Dreyfuss, the neighbor's dog walks in] Ma, did you have a sardine sandwich for lunch again?
Sophia: [Enter Sophia, who scolds Dreyfuss] Dreyfuss.
Dorothy: [Opens her eyes and sits up] Ma, what the hell is Dreyfuss doing here?

Sophia: Picture it: Sardinia, 1932...
Blanche: [interrupting] I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily.
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend?

Sophia: [in a sly twinkle-eyed response to one of the elderly residents' asking her where the "junk food" was for their impromptu party] I've got a great idea for free pizza! Let's call up one of those guaranteed 30-minute pizza places, and we'll tell 'em that we're a bunch of college kids. Then, when they knock, one of us grandmothers will answer the door and say, "What took you so long?"
[everyone laughs]

Sophia: It's not that easy to make new friends.
Rose: It sure wasn't for the first Eskimo family that moved to St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Oh, geez.
Rose: Especially after they sawed a hole and went salmon fishing in the middle of the local ice skating rink. And then there was the Halloween they gave all the kids whale blubber. And then there was the time they borrowed every ice tray in town to build an addition over their garage.
Dorothy: What was the point, Rose?
Rose: I guess, after the baby came, they needed more room! The point of the story! Well, gradually they were able to make friends, and they ended up the most popular family in town!
Blanche: But only because they went out and met people. Isn't that right, Rose?
Rose: No, it was because, in the drought of '49, their house melted and kept the town from dehydrating!

Sophia: [the girls hover over Sophia while she sleeps, she wakes up] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dorothy: [the girls jump back] What, Ma, what?
Sophia: What? You're standing over me with pores like that, I think I'm on the moon.

Rose: Wherever she goes, she always finds a man!
Sophia: So do hookers.

[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche: Talk to your husband.
Renee: Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I'm gonna tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia: Dont you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor.
Renee: See?
Rose: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche: Get outta here.
Rose: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche: Get outta here.
Rose: And the vet.
Dorothy: The vet?
Rose: Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly know what it was.
Dorothy: Chickenpox.
Rose: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw us both at the same time.
Dorothy: For that you got naked?
Rose: I thought that was strange, too.

Rose: Don't worry, Dorothy, maybe Jimmy'll come around.
Dorothy: Oh, I wish I could believe you, but Rose, I have been there. I mean, after awhile you feel like you're just in this gigantic black hole.
Rose: We had a gigantic black hole back in St Olaf.
Sophia: Oh, God!
Rose: On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse, where Charlie and I got our marriage license, and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it...
Dorothy: [mocking] And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capitol of the world.
Rose: Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit, and time it! Then there was always that wise guy, who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself...

Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.

Sophia: I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey; that really comes under the heading of "Lust".

Sophia: [Sophia has joined a convent] Hello, Reverend Mother. My you look 'Holier than Thou' today.
Mother: Save it, Sister Suckup. How do you explain this note I found in the suggestion box?
Sophia: Well, you said we needed more money for the new chapel. I thought that would be a good fund-raiser.
Mother: A beefcake calendar of monks of the Midwest?
Sophia: Oh, come on, open up your mind.

Blanche: I don't care about anything anymore, life has no meaning.
Sophia: So, who's for popcorn?

Sophia: [about her 14 hr spaghetti sauce] Mmm... if this sauce was a person I would get naked and make love to it.

Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

Rose: [Brings in soup that she made for her late husband] Here we are, Sophia. Homemade Chicken Soup. I used to make it for my husband when he wasn't feeling well.
Sophia: Did you make it for him the last time he wasn't feeling well?
[Rose nodded]

Rose: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy: I guess we have to ask.
Sophia: No we don't.
Dorothy: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy: Fine.
Sophia: Good.
Rose: But it had to do with barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balance.
Dorothy: Got it.
Sophia: Clear as a bell.

Blanche: [Rose is just coming home] Rose, what were you doin' out so early this mornin'?
Rose: I couldn't sleep, so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama! Blanche, do you know, at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa, they have an egg dish named after you!
Blanche: Really! How are they prepared.
Sophia: [deadpan] Over easy.

Dorothy: I *hate* blind dates. You know, Ma, I never would have agreed to this if it wasn't your best friend Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.
Sophia: Awwww, he wasn't available any more. He decided to buy a woman from the Philippines. Actually, he bought two women. He wanted an extra for formal occasions.
Dorothy: Then who is this guy?
Sophia: Well, to tell you the truth, I was on the bus...
Blanche: Wait a minute. You set Dorothy up with some guy you met on a bus?
Sophia: Please. It wasn't that glamorous. I saw a sign on the bus. It said, "Lonely? Can't make connections with that special person?" So, I took twenty dollars out of your purse, sent in a picture, they ran it through the computer, and Boom!, you got a social life.
Dorothy: Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger?
Sophia: I didn't send in your picture. I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Dorothy: Ma, I am furious with you.
Sophia: Think of how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not goin' out with Janet Gaynor.

Sophia: Some attack dog! He hid under the table, peed on the floor, and ran out the back!

Dorothy: [Blanche and Dorothy are playing cards, Sophia keeps shaking her head for Blanche's plays] Stop telling her what to play.
Sophia: I haven't said anything, have I Blanche?
Blanche: Not a word.
Dorothy: You keep shaking your head!
Sophia: I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!

Dorothy: [Rose is realizing she may be hooked on her medication] Honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Sophia: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
Blanche: Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you.
Rose: No, I don't need one of those places. I can't go to one of those places. I'd be too ashamed. I'd be too embarrassed.
Dorothy: What is there to be ashamed of? You have a medical problem. Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was... was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
Sophia: She should have been. Did you see "Arthur 2"?

Sophia: She's the housekeeper, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: But she's not supposed to lift a finger, right?
Dorothy: Right.
Sophia: If anything needs to be done, you take care of it, right?
Sophia: Right. Where are you going, Ma?
Sophia: To get a job as a housekeeper!

Rose: Sophia, if you hated your sister would you clean the house?
Sophia: I'd put Vaseline on the tips of her walker!

Sophia: You know who helps us? Boy scouts in cartoons, we have to look after ourselves.

Sophia: [enters the kitchen] Hello, what's shakin
Rose: apparently Blanches breasts, that's why she's going to...
Dorothy: Shut-up Rose

Rose: So, Becky, what brings you here to Miami?
Sophia: My guess is a small barge!

Sophia: [patronizing] Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?
Dorothy: June first, 1949.
[she waits for the reaction]
Dorothy: At my wedding.
Sophia: Oh, well, that's because pregnant women have that special glow.

Dorothy: [the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit] Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?
Mary: Oh, it's okay.
Blanche: Oh, I loved high school! It seems like only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...
Dorothy: Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.
Dorothy: [Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here.
Sophia: Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?
Dorothy: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen year old girl!
Sophia: A knocked up sixteen year old girl!
[Mary confirms that Sophia is right]
Dorothy: Ma, how did you know?
Sophia: Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I thought only pregnant teen-agers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

Rose: I wonder why he looked you up after all this time?
Sophia: Are you kidding? He was crazy about me. I was the only girl in the village who didn't want to be a nun.

Sophia: I *was* quite a looker back then.
Mangiacavallo: Longest legs of any girl in the village.

Woman: I'll give you a dollar for it.
Sophia: A dollar? What the hell do you think this is? Baghdad? Get the hell out of here!

Blanche: [discussing Christmas cuisine] Sophia, larks aren't eating birds, they're singing birds.
Sophia: They don't sing long in Sicily.

Rose: How did things go with the doctor, Sophia?
Sophia: He said I had the body of a 40-year-old. A DEAD 40-year-old.

[Spohia is unhappy that Dorothy's relationship with Eddie is purely a physical one]
Dorothy: Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.
Sophia: Needs! You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You don't need sport nookie!

Dorothy: Ma, you're not allowed to drive.
Sophia: Why not?
Dorothy: Because you drive like Mr. Magoo!

Dorothy: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche: Is she okay?
Dorothy: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!

Sophia: Picture it. Sicily, 1912. A beautiful, young peasant girl with clear, olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing. They slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards, he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his palette without using his hands. But I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge, scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her. And she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me and that painter was Pablo Picasso.
Dorothy: Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Sophia: Be positive, Dorothy.
Dorothy: OK, I'm positive you're lying.

Dorothy: Ma, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sophia: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Rose: [running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There."
[plays a piano intro, then sings]
Rose: Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Blanche: Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose: Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll!
[grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.]
Rose: We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Blanche: Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
Sophia: [over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Sophia: It's not whether you agree or disagree with somebody. It's whether you can be there for that person when they need you!

Rose: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
Dorothy: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
Sophia: [off screen] Mind your own business!
Rose: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
[She nods sagely]
Rose: I think this is Sophia.

John: Okay, let's fill this out.
Sophia: Uh, please.
John: And you are?
Sophia: Sophia. Sophia Pe- Hawkins.
John: OK, Mrs. Pehawkins, um... Maybe you can tell me a little bit about your mother's history?
Sophia: Picture it. Sicily, 1900. An olive-skinned woman sets sail for the new world.
John: I was talking about her medical history.
Sophia: So was I. You think that was a pleasure cruise? There was smallpox, scurvy, typhoid. And that was business class.

Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Rose: You know, Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: PLEASE, no one say 'What woman?'!

Sophia: It's a nightmare, we've been visited by the yutz of Christmas past.

Dorothy: Hi Ma.
Sophia: What the hell are you doing home? I thought you had a 4 o'clock beauty parlor appointment.
Dorothy: I did. They finished with me early.
Sophia: On Christie Brinkley, they can finish early. You need every minute they can spare. Now get back there.

Dorothy: ...And if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene - like you did at the funeral!
Sophia: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave!
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell 'start shovelling boys!' as he tried to get up.

Rose: Someone was actually able to deceive me once.
Sophia: Do tell, Rose.
Rose: St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.
Dorothy: What's that?
Rose: Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

Dorothy: [Dorothy is frustrated because no-one seems to take seriously her Save the Wetlands campaign] Do you know what would happen if there were no swamps?
Sophia: New Jersey wouldn't have a 'state smell'.

Dorothy: [Sophia's just scared them brandishing a butcher knife and screaming] Ma, that is NOT funny!
Sophia: Are you kidding, it's a riot! I pulled that one on old man Peterson after they showed 'Psycho' at the home. They said he would never walk again. He walked! Well, good night.
[waves the knife around]
Sophia: Sweet dreams!
[exits kitchen laughing maniacally]

Rose: I never went to the St. Olaf junior prom.
Sophia: How come?
Rose: It was only for people named Junior.

Dorothy: [looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yep!
Sophia: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Sophia: Pussycat, I moved that safe to the attic like you told me, can I have food now?

Dorothy: Ma I said I was sorry.
Sophia: The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.
Dorothy: What is the big deal?
Sophia: I had to stand in front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me!

Andrew: [when Sophia comes to the museum to bring Dorothy her lunch, the Director greets her, and lays it on pretty thick] Hellooooo. And who do we have here?
Dorothy: This is my mother, Mrs Sophia Petrillo. Ma, this is my boss, Mr Allen.
Andrew: [speaking slowly and loudly, as if patronizing her advanced age] Pleased to meet you, Mrs Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?
Sophia: [turns to Blanche, covering her mouth so Mr Allen won't hear] Is he gay?
Dorothy: Uhhh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.
Andrew: Goodbye, Mrs Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition: a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia: [offended and outraged] What are you, a pervert? I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's Gauguins.

Blanche: [laughing and humming, as in ecstasy, while eating cookies] Ha, ha, ha... hmmm, hmmm... oooh... mmm, mmm.
Dorothy: Blanche, are you in a good mood?
Blanche: Dorothy, you always could see right through me.
Sophia: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy and Superman couldn't see right through you.

Sophia: [in a card game on the lanai, Sophia doesn't play fair] Look, Mr Finebaum's totally naked in his bedroom window.
Dorothy: [Rose looks where Sophia is pointing; Dorothy grabs the cards] That is the third time we caught you cheating. Ma, you're out of the game.
Sophia: Hey, give me a break. When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat, just like you're allowed to take money out of your daughter's purse. Oops. Uh, was that the 'phone? Don't trouble yourselves. I'll get it.
[she goes inside]
Rose: How did you know your mother was cheating, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Because Mr Finebaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a Boy Scout neckerchief. But never in the same place twice. Which is why there's no Mrs Finebaum. Deal.

Sophia: [talking about her new boyfriend, Tony Delveccio] I fantasize about him all day. Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was comin' at me with a hose.
Dorothy: [embarrassed to hear her mother discussing her love life] Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.
Blanche: Did he put out the fire?
Sophia: Three times.
Blanche: [in awe] Wow. The seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple! Sophia, I hate you!

Sophia: My memory's not as good as it used to be. Nothing on me is as good as it used to be. Once upon a time, I had a butt you could bounce a quarter on. Now you could lose a Krugerrand in the creases.

Rose: Oh!... Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work!
Sophia: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: Heh, heh, heh. You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Martha: I think I've taken care of everything, now, you'll make sure they don't put lipstick on my teeth?
Sophia: Don't worry, I'll take them out and check them personally.

Rose: [Dorothy tries to convince Rose to notify Al's family] I can't tell her where he died!
Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers and you found him on the lawn.
Rose: That's not bad.

Sophia: Pussycat, I'm goin' out with my friends. Can you give me some money?
Dorothy: What happened to the money I gave you last night?
Sophia: Let's see. Ten bucks went for cover charge, ten bucks went for a round of drinks, and the other ten went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr Big.
Blanche: I know that guy. That's just a stage name.

Blanche: [after a long talk about her late husband George, with his brother Jamie over dinner] It made me realize why, from the time I laid eyes on him 'til the day he died, there was never, never another man in my life.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you? You were never tempted.
Blanche: Never.
Sophia: Didn't you have your milk delivered?

[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose: I made dessert!
Blanche: Damn!
Rose: What you say Blanche?
Blanche: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia: I can't even reach mine.

Sophia: [Sophia is in bed between Stan and Dorothy] Think of me as the Berlin Wall, Stan. Try to climb over me and you'll find out what barbed wire between your legs feels like!

Sophia: [to Blanche] The last time you went on a diet you turned into that guy from 'Silence of the Lambs', you did everything but butter my face.

Dorothy: Ma, what are you still doing here? You were supposed to go to the doctor this morning!
Sophia: Oh, I guess you didn't hear about Dr. Segal.
Dorothy: What's that?
Sophia: I'm not going!

[Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi]
Rose: You must be tired after your cab trip.
Sophia: Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!

[Sophia is standing in front of an open refrigerator with her robe open as Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose walk in]
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: [sarcastically] I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill.

Sophia: [reading the Classified ads in the kitchen] Blanche, I'm tryin' to decide what to get Dorothy for her birthday. What do you think about this? "Good-looking, single, white male, seeks fun times on a regular basis."
Blanche: Well, it's somethin' she doesn't have.

Rose: This takes me back to when I was a little girl in St. Olaf and ran a Belgian waffle stand.
Dorothy: You had a Belgian waffle stand?
Rose: Actually they were English muffins I carved little ridges in, but people bought them anyway. I was cute back then, so I could get away with it.
Sophia: Don't worry, you get cute again when you hit 80, how do you think *I'm* gonna peddle this slop?

Dorothy: [discussing the fact that she has two celebrities - Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner - competing for her affections] I wanted to tell you sooner, but, well, I was afraid that you might not believe me.
Sophia: And why should we, Miss Junior Prom 1946?
Dorothy: Ma, you promised.
Sophia: Dating the quarterback, she says. Buys her own corsage, spends the evening hiding in the basement, slow-dancing with a rake! Would have gotten away with it, too, but while she was giving herself hickeys with the vacuum cleaner, she stepped into a puddle.
Dorothy: To most mothers, that would be a cry for affection. To you, it's just ammo.

Dorothy: Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
Rose: It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Dorothy: Oh, well, of course it does. What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't want to check out everything.
Blanche: [very nervous] Yeah, well, if it makes him happy. If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia: Everybody's got a nickname for it.

Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I got five in my pocket. Here, Dorothy... a lifetime supply.

Blanche: I'm back to my old self, Blanche Devereaux has returned.
Sophia: Oh boy. Strike up the gland...
[she leaves the room]
Blanche: How rude. You'd think she'd feel sorry for me.
Rose: To tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for you either. I mean, why should I? My Charlie is dead, and nobody's giving me a second chance. Listen, Blanche, I know what it's like to have a husband suddenly taken. I never had a chance to say all those things I would have wanted to say. Well, you must know how that feels.
Blanche: Yes, but after what he did to me...
Rose: Blanche, this isn't about getting even. For nine years you've been missing George. Well he's here, and I'm jealous of you. Tell him you love him, tell him you hate him, I don't care, but just see him before he leaves. Do it for yourself. Do it for all of us who wish we had the chance.

Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what?
Sophia: What a minute! Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say, "Girls, girls"? Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?
Rose: Well, you're awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years!
Dorothy: Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.
Sophia: What's your point?
Dorothy: What are you saying?
Rose: Well, isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years!

Blanche: Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that's part of your charm.
Sophia: Thank you, you bed hopping relic.

Dorothy: [Dorothy is leaving the house to go on a cruise] Now Ma, you're going to do what Blanche tells you?
Sophia: Yes.
Dorothy: And you're not going to give her a hard time?
Sophia: No.
Dorothy: Ok, goodbye Mom.
[Leaves]
Sophia: Goodbye, pussycat.
[Shuts the door and faces Blanche]
Sophia: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy!... This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

Sophia: [an old boyfriend, who was married at the time, reappears in Dorothy's life] Dorothy, you'll be sorry.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, come on, we liked each other. He's a funny, warm, giving man. He made me laugh. I am seeing him.
Sophia: All right, go ahead, meet your adulterer. But remember, you were brought up a lady. Keep both your feet on the floor.
Dorothy: I'd better go change. Blanche, what should I wear?
Blanche: Well, if you're gonna keep both feet on the floor, somethin' you can pull off over your head.

Alma: [with $500 she won] Sophia, what time does that mall close? I feel like doing something wild. I know, I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear!
Sophia: Nah, it rides up on me.

Dorothy: Perhaps. But they are both murderers.
Sophia: Sit down, Dorothy. Don't make a fool of yourself.
Marlowe: You care to explain?
Dorothy: In the first place, it is unlikely that Gloria murdered her father. Statistics show that patricide is overwhelmingly a male crime, although daughters frequently murder their mothers!

Dorothy: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose: I have a sister story...
Dorothy: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Sophia: Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.
Dorothy: It was not.
Sophia: Really? That's what they called you at the PTA meetings.

Blanche: You know, Sophia... This birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?
Sophia: Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: you're old, you sag, get over it!
Blanche: [angrily] Sophia?
Sophia: So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, ya fossil!
Blanche: My mistake; I thought since you look like Yoda, you were also wise.
[walks off]

Dorothy: Where is the Christmas spirit?
Sophia: Neiman Marcus, third floor, ladies apparel.

Blanche: [about Michael] You just did what you had to!
Dorothy: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy - wondering where he is - I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know - or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia: [walking in] Michael called - he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Blanche: [as they're ready to leave to crash a High School reunion, Rose is having second thoughts] Wait a minute, you're deliberately tryin' to get out of going.
Rose: To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.
Blanche: Afraid of what?
Rose: Afraid of looking stupid.
Sophia: Ho!
Rose: I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion, and deceiving people, and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying, and that's against everything I am.
Dorothy: Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?
Rose: I'll get the car.

Dorothy: [to Blanch] My mother is to be fed twice a day.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy: Walk her after dinner.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy: And no liquids after dinner.
Sophia: You're talking about me like I'm an animal!
Sophia: [sniffs Blanche] You've been with a man, haven't you?

Rose: [Sophia and Rose come home, dressed in black, laughing] Oh girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake. It was the greatest.
Sophia: I can't remember when I had so much fun. Those Irishmen! They even laid out Doug's body in the living room!
Blanche: Oh, that sounds morbid.
Rose: I didn't have a problem with it. 'Til one of the relatives got drunk and started slow-dancing with the corpse. But even then it was surprisingly touching.
Blanche: And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at The Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, what if no-one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, think: if there's somebody out there who is willing to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willing to dance with you.

Sophia: I need money for a medical emergency.
Dorothy: What's wrong with you, Ma?
Sophia: I think I'm pregnant.
Dorothy: What happened? The rabbit die laughing?

Sophia: [Walking into the holdup] Half an hour alone in that car, what do I look like, a dachshund?

Sophia: Dorothy, you're a genius!
Dorothy: Ma, wait a min- now, what are you talking about?
Sophia: I walk into the living room, and there's a toilet in front of the television set. It's an old lady's dream come true!

Sophia: Another date with Mrs. O'Brien's husband?

Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger everyday.
Sophia: Hello Stan, that's a beautiful tupee.
Sophia: [to Rose and Blanche] See that? Now we're both liars!

Blanche: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.

Michael: I haven't eaten like this in a long time.
Sophia: Me either, when we're alone she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.

[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia are looking in on a sedated Rose following her triple bypass]
Blanche: Oh, my God. Dorothy, look at her!
Dorothy: It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.
Sophia: Tell that to Cher.

Dorothy: I still have some questions about the family history, if that's okay.
Sophia: Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.
Dorothy: The bo... what box? Oh! Oh, heh, it completely slipped my mind!
Sophia: Oh yeah, that kind of thing happens to me all the, uh... all the, uh... all the shrimp you can eat.

Sophia: What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfus has the hots for our lawn flamingo.
Dorothy: Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.
Sophia: In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.

Rose: Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Dorothy: It was great! He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
Sophia: [not sharing Dorothy's optimism] Oh, lucky me. I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone. I could have slept with JFK, and don't even know it.
Dorothy: [trying hard not to laugh] Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche: [in a low, sultry voice] Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dorothy: Ma, come on now. I mean, he also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
[she leaves]
Dorothy: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche: I hate watching what it's doin' to you.
Rose: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.

Sophia: [trying to explain her new group of friends] Look. The Senior Citizens Center is divided into three cliques: the hip group, the not-so-hip group, and the broken-hip group. Which group would you want to be in?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, when I was a kid, you always told me it wasn't important to be a member of a popular clique. You always said, 'Just be yourself.'
Sophia: Sure, that was because no-one liked you.
Dorothy: [to Blanche] This is why, when I was a kid, I had an imaginary mother.

Dorothy: Ma, what's in that box?
Sophia: Mexican jumping beans.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Sorry, *Hispanic* jumping beans.

Sophia: [the girls are upset when they arrive late for their Los Angeles hotel reservations the night before their game show appearance] Would you stop complaining? We've got it easy. Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was Torture.
Rose: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia: I just told you, Torture. Mussolini asked the questions, and you'd better have the right answers. Things like, Who do you like better, me or Hitler? Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler? Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler? And you always had to answer, Mussolini. Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy: Ma, you didn't hear that. Now face it, you can't hear high frequencies. Why can't you be honest about what's happening to you? Why do you insist on becoming feeble?
Sophia: Feeble? Now you listen, Dorothy. I may not have your gift for word jumbles, or your ability to float, or your way of making small children weep...
Dorothy: ...But?
Sophia: Or your butt, thank you.

Sophia: Please, I'm not the "love'em and leave'em" type. At my age, I don't have the strength to do both!

Sophia: What are you doing?
Rose: We're having a group hug.
Sophia: Well knock it off. The neighbors will get the wrong idea.
[the Golden Girls stopped]
Sophia: By the way, I just called Harriet McConnell to cancel your reservations to the banquet.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks, ma.

Claire: I don't know how we're going to make this store great again.
Jonathan: Looks fine to me. What time do we open?
Claire: [sighs sadly] We are open.
Jonathan: Oh... Well, I'm sure things will pick up by lunch.

Sophia: Rabbits! I'm gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head!

Sophia: If that's the doctor, tell him I have no insurance and no money. If he still wants to come in, he just wants to see me naked.

Sophia: [Sophia sighs deeply and Dorothy ignores her] Hey! You're not going to ask me what's wrong?
Dorothy: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia: I got three days to live.
Dorothy: Fine, Ma, I'll scratch the Bengay off the grocery list.

Sophia: [Dorothy's getting ready for her doctor's appointment] Wipe off your lipstick.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: You look too healthy, maybe that's why nobody believes you, you don't *look* sick.
[Blanche stumbles in in her nightclothes, bleary eyed and disoriented]
Sophia: She should go, they'd believe her.
Blanche: [exhausted] What day is this?

Dorothy: Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Sophia: Why are you askin' her? I'm the one who slept with him.
Blanche: Sophia this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels!

Sophia: [Dorothy's son-in-law has been unfaithful, and Dorothy's daughter Kate wants to take him back] I'm telling you Dorothy, this isn't your business. Just stay out of it!
Dorothy: I can't just stay out of it, Ma!
Sophia: Then you'll lose Kate, and someday Stan's going to call you up and tell you you've got a grandchild you're never gonna see.

Blanche: Who is this secret man you're seein'?
Rose: Oh, it's not a secret. His name is Ray. He's a friend of Miles.
Blanche: You are dating a friend of Miles? You scalywag.
Sophia: You skunkweed.
Blanche: What's that mean?
Sophia: I don't know. What does yours mean?

[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

Rose: Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?
Alma: Rosey, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.
Rose: There's nothing wrong with take a nap - Bob Hope takes naps!
Sophia: Unless he's in the bedroom, now, taking one I think she'd rather stay here with us.

Dorothy: Ma, can you eat quietly?
Sophia: These are Fritos, what do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

Sophia: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, who are black, as well as Rose and Blanche, whose faces are covered in mud-pack] What is this a revival of 'Raisin in the Sun'?
Michael: Grandma, this is my fiancée, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is your fiancée?
Michael: Yeah, that's right.
Sophia: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia: No offense, but it means your daughter looks like she's been around the block more times than a Good Humor man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse. Those are fightin' words!
Rose: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating, not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy: Yep. Frightening isn't it?

Sophia: Didn't Aunt Teresa die of a heart attack?
Dorothy: Aunt Teresa didn't have a heart.
Sophia: Uncle Nunzio?
Dorothy: Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teresa.
Sophia: My mother die of old age, and my father fell off a donkey. So we got healthy hearts in our family.
Dorothy: Very, very healthy.
Sophia: That's good.

Sophia: As we say back in Sicily, Sticks and stones can break your bones, but cement pays homage to tradition.

Rose: [Sophia can't stop coughing] Dorothy, should I get Sophia some water?
Dorothy: No, Rose, you should stand there and watch her hack herself to death.
Rose: ...really?
Dorothy: GET THE WATER!
Blanche: *I* am calling the doctor.
Sophia: I can't breathe!
Dorothy: Blanche, forget the doctor, call the paramedics!

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breast, Rose.

Sophia: [Sophia is fed up with Dorothy's criticism of her lifestyle] Well, I'm leaving. I found a compatible roommate. Here's my new address and 'phone number.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma, you're joking.
Sophia: It's no joke. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. Arrivederci, and Sayonara.
[she leaves]
Rose: Gee, she could have at least said, 'Goodbye'.

Rose: Can I have those gummy bears?
Blanche: They are good, aren't they?
Rose: Oh I don't eat them.
Sophia: Then why do you want them?
Rose: To play army! And sometimes, I line them up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.

Dorothy: Ma, what makes you think Rose's mother is old? She's the same age you are.
Sophia: Then why did Rose rent a wheelchair at the airport, order her a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?
Dorothy: Maybe her mother is a disabled welder on a special diet.

Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Dorothy: Ever since you got that feather in the mail, you've been acting like a spy, I'm surprised you didn't check the broom closet to see if someone was hiding in it.
Sophia: Broom closet, right!
[gets up]
Dorothy: Ma, you're acting crazy.
Blanche: Well now, Dorothy, I happen to know that there *is* enough room in that broom closet for at least two people, and enough room left for a tray of cold cuts.

Dorothy: Rose, listen! You don't have to do anything to please your parents!
Sophia: She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.
Rose: But my parents called me Twinkletoes.
Sophia: I called Dorothy Bigfoot. That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.
Dorothy: What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.
Sophia: That's right. An over-the-hill schoolteacher who has to wait for the phone to ring to know if she's going to work that day.
Dorothy: Oh. It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just going to nag you and nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke them but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!

Sophia: Hi, pussycat, how was school?
Dorothy: Oh, I hate those smart kids. They may be our brightest but they're also our rudest, considering most of them are guests in our country. No, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.
Sophia: Pussycat, when you were in Junior High school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?
Dorothy: Awww, you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.
Sophia: That's right. And if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?
Dorothy: My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call. But Ma, this is different. You know, I've always wanted to teach an honors class, but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.
Sophia: Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about twelve and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.
Rose: That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ *of* a burro.

Dorothy: Johnny No Thumbs sent you these flowers?
Sophia: Remember 'harmless old Uncle Vito'? He sent a card to Johnny No Thumbs, he addressed it to 'Johnny No Knees'. He got the hint and we got the flowers.

Peterson: [in court] Now Mrs Petrillo, I want you tell me in your own words-the words of a beautiful, dignified chick whose got a wild body for someone her age-exactly what kind of a person is your daughter?
Sophia: She put me in a home.

Sophia: [after swooning over Laszlo then finding out he was gay] How can you blame him, the man looked at the three of you naked for a month!

Blanche: [as she introduces her latest lover to the others] And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well - you must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.
Blanche: [Long pause] Sophia's home just burnt down.
Harry: That's terrible!
Sophia: Not to me. It was a retirement home - and you know what? They set off the drill in a retirement home - who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they got bells going off like crazy. You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week?... Its not pretty.

Rose: [to Baby, the pig] There you are! You get in the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pink fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Whatcha doin'?
Sophia: Just lookin' through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Oh, look, there I am at seven.
Sophia: An angel.
Dorothy: Here I am at eleven.
Sophia: Adorable.
Dorothy: Ahh, look, here I am at fifteen.
Sophia: The beginning of the end.

Blanche: ...there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Dorothy: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And onto a naval base.

Sophia: Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes. Unless he was queer.
Blanche: Sophia, people don't say queer anymore, they say gay.
Sophia: They say gay if a guy can sing the entire score of "Gigi." But, a six foot three, two hundred pound married man with kids, who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with queer.

Dorothy: Listen, ma, would you like to listen to a joke?
Sophia: Is this from your act?
Dorothy: Ehh, could be. I went down to The Comedy Barrel and signed up for Monday night. Let me try this out on you.
Sophia: Okay, make me laugh.
Dorothy: All right, here we go: It seems there was this doctor...
Sophia: [interrupts] "It seems there was"? What is this, existentialist humor?

Sophia: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.
Sophia: t's not sweet, it's pathetic. Fifty-two years, and you never stopped off anwhere. Get a life! So, did you teach anybody anything today?
Dorothy: Well, I tried, but it seems none of the kids are interested in learning how to diagram sentences. I really don't get it. I mean, am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
Sophia: You talk like this on dates, don't you?
Blanche: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy: Then what is it?
Blanche: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

Rose: I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia: Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone!

Dorothy: [hearing about their village witch] What "village"? I was born in Brooklyn.
Sophia: Here's a newsflash, witches can fly.

Sophia: [Dorothy and Sophia try to get pregnant Mary's father to take her back] You feel because Mary went out and got herself pregnant that she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone that gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?
Dorothy: [mortified] It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophia: Now that's a slut.

Blanche: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
Dorothy: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
[reads the ballots one by one]
Blanche: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
Sophia: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
Dorothy: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
Sophia: We all voted for you.
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy: IT DOES-S-S!

Sophia: I said it before, I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker!

Dorothy: Morning, Ma. How'd you sleep?
Sophia: Pretty good. I dreamed I was making love to Jay Leno
Dorothy: That's a strange dream for you to have.
Sophia: Not really. It was Monday night and he was filling in for Carson.

Sophia: [to Rose and Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti's getting cold.
Rose: We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.
Sophia: I hope the kid can help you, you wear more rouge than Miss Piggy!

Blanche: This flyer that came in the mail says they're going to start a "Dirty Dancin'" course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, no. I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis. I am not interested.
Sophia: And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief.

Dorothy: I think I see now how it happened: Last evening at dinner, when Miss MacGlinn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia: Big deal. I took a whole place setting.
Dorothy: [angrily] Not NOW, Ma!

Sophia: If I turn up my hearing aid to 10, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale

Rose: [proudly] Sophia, I'm a high school graduate!
Sophia: Congratulations. Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat.

Sophia: Picture it: Sicily, 1852.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in no mood. And besides, you weren't alive in 1852.
Sophia: What? We can't learn from history? It was mid-century and a disillusioned Italy looked to the house of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader, and not a bad dresser, thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife Rosa hit her sexual peak.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in here because of guilt.
Sophia: This is not a story about guilt. This is a story about being a bad hostess. While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese.
Dorothy: Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?
Sophia: That's my minor point. My major point is that, like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom when there are important things to do outside.
Dorothy: I can't believe it. That makes sense. I mean, you went the long way around but that actually makes sense.

Blanche: Now, Dorothy and I have both been noticing how down you've been lately, and we're very concerned.
Rose: Oh, it's my work at the hospital. I know, I'm the one who volunteered. But it's not easy having to spend that much time with people who are old and sick and frail.
Sophia: Ooh, that reminds me, I've got Mahjong tomorrow.

Dorothy: Blanche are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlow have become a part of me... "She had more curves than the Monaco grand prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."
Sophia: You do this on first dates don't you Dorothy?

Sophia: It's a known fact that dogs take on the personality traits of their masters.
Dorothy: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Sophia: Oh yeah? Then why does your brother Phil's poodle like to wear that tutu and hop around on his hind legs?
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma, I mean, Phil would look pretty stupid doing that by himself.

Sophia: Hey, P-feiffer, how would you like a punch in the p-face?

Sophia: Come on, Dorothy, you can figure this out, just like you solved the mystery downstairs at dinner.
Dorothy: Oh Ma, that was a game, this is life!
Sophia: Oh yeah, you've never been good at life.

Dorothy: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche: Sinatra?
Sophia: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia: Tina Sinatra!

Blanche: [after seeing that Rose's dog had taken her slipper again] I do not believe this. I had this thing hidden in the closet, behind three suitcases.
Rose: Isn't this dog amazing? He can find anything.
Sophia: Anything?
[to the dog]
Sophia: A viable Democrat for President. Go!

Sophia: You gonna give it to her or not?
Blanche: Sophia.
Sophia: What'll it mean, a little less bourbon?
Virginia: Sophia, it's a difficult decision.
Sophia: She's family, if you can't count on family, who the hell can you count on?

Sophia: [Dorothy opens the door, Sophia's first lines] Hi there.
Dorothy: Ma! What're you doing here?
Sophia: Everyone is fine no one died, the home burnt down.
Dorothy: My God - are you all right? How did you get here?
Sophia: I hitched!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: A cab - I took a cab.
Dorothy: Well you should have called.
Sophia: I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself, I don't need help - I'm a very indapendent person!
Dorothy: I know! I know!
Sophia: I need $67.00 for the cab.
Dorothy: $67.00? Ma, ma - this is crazy the home is 15 minutes from here.
Sophia: My cab driver is Cuban, he says there's an additional tax fee for a bilingual driver.

[Blanche has entered the living room and seen Dorothy and Sophia dressed as Sonny & Cher]
Blanche: Oh for goodness sakes! Why you two could be celebrity lookalikes!
Dorothy: [flattered] Oh, Blanche, you really think so?
Blanche: Well absolutely! So which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?
Sophia: I'm Sonny Bono, you idiot!
Dorothy: Gee, I wonder how many maître d's have heard that line?

Attendant: [after hernia surgery, Sophia wakes up alone in a hospital elevator, and assumes she's in Heaven] Pardon me, ma'am, but what are you doing in here all by yourself?
Sophia: Who are you? Are you an angel?
Attendant: I'm the guy that shaves everybody.

Sophia: [At Frieda Claxton's funeral] Oh my God, this is terrible. Such a tragedy. Such a tragedy.
Dorothy: Ma, try not to upset yourself.
Sophia: Two men on, the bottom of the ninth, that baciagaloop Lasorda has him bunt!

Rose: The president's married to Nancy Davis now.
Sophia: From "All About Eve"?
Rose: That was Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her children with wire hangers?
Rose: That was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from "Highway Patrol"?
Rose: That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The president was married to Broderick Crawford?

Sophia: Where I come from, when someone wanted to make a point, they'd tie a string around your finger. Well, come to think of it, it wasn't a string, it was a piano wire. Actually, it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. Anyway, it was very popular. In fact, piano wire was our village's second biggest export. You know what our biggest export was?
Everyone: No.
Sophia: Too bad, I don't remember either. My God, I've left brain cells all over the Eastern seaboard.

Dorothy: Who's the letter from, Ma?
Sophia: Joanne Pescatori! She's coming to Miami for a visit!
Dorothy: Joanne Pescatori, didn't she own that little candy store down the street from us in Brooklyn?
Sophia: That was Jeanette Pasadano.
Dorothy: Oh. Then who was Joanne Pescatori?
Sophia: How the hell should I know? This letter's for Rose.
Dorothy: Ma, why are you reading Rose's mail?
Sophia: Because all you got were bills... Listen to this part at the end, tell me if you think Joanne's a lesbian.
Dorothy: Ma!
[Snatches the letter from Sophia]

Dorothy: You know, we haven't slept together since I was a little girl.
Sophia: Thank God.
Dorothy: I used to get into your bed whenever I had that dream about the bear.
Sophia: Yeah, the bear dream.
Dorothy: I hated that dream.
Sophia: A bear is eating you, what's to love? You were so cute, you were always so polite when you woke me.
[deep voice]
Sophia: Mommy, I'm having a bad dream, can I come in?

Sam: But I hate nectarines!
Sophia: You gotta keep up your strength.
Sam: Sophia, it's no use, once they messed up my blood transfusion, there wasn't anything anybody could do.
Sophia: Crazy talk, comes from not eating enough fresh fruit.
Sam: Sophia, nobody's ever beaten it.
Sophia: But someday they will, and it could be tomorrow, and it could be you. I believe it, and you have to too, because in this life, that's all we have, is hope.
Sam: And a nectarine?
Sophia: And a nectarine.

Sophia: So Dorothy, you don't want to go back to the hospital?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: You don't want the doctor to operate?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: Fine, then we'll do it here. Blanche, boil some water and clear the table. Rose, sharpen my Ginzu knife. Dorothy, pick out a shoe you'd like to bite on.
Dorothy: You're not serious!
Sophia: No, I'm only being as ridiculous as you.

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: Filling sandbags, Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin'.
Dorothy: A-comin'?
Sophia: That's right. People only use the "a-" when a really big storm is a-comin' or a-brewin',
Dorothy: Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Sophia: Ida Perlberg down at the Senior Center woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen: one, you get more intuitive about the weather; and two, corn becomes your enemy.
Dorothy: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-comin...
Sophia: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy: I'm not patronizing you, I'm a-mockin' you.

Sophia: [Rose let it slip Sophia has lots of money she's hoarding] Nice going counsel. Tell me, exactly how close do you sit to the TV while watching La Law?

Rose: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium.

Blanche: I have everything I need for the fishing trip: plenty of suntan lotion and a string bikini. I don't want the fish to be the only things nibblin'!
Sophia: Or floppin' around in the boat.

Dorothy: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's *your* man?
Sophia: Who?
Blanche: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia: Who?
Rose: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia: Who?
Dorothy: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: In the future, a simple none of your business, Sophia will suffice!

Blanche: Ooh... I've got goosebumps. Mel'll be here any minute.
Dorothy: Honey, why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.
Blanche: I know but now there's more at stake - everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I... I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip columb.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Hold it, Pussycat. I'm on a roll.
Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were maent to be together.
Sophia: I wish I could say the same for your thighs.
Sophia: God, I'm hot tonight!
Blanche: I'm not gonna stand for this.
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy.
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.
Sophia: Well, that was just plain rude.
Blanche: Some people just don't know when to quit.

Sophia: We saw "Dying Young." Terrific. I laughed until I peed. And then I laughed at that.

Sophia: I've got a bubble.
Dorothy: Why're you holding your chest?
Sophia: The bubble is in my chest.
Dorothy: What do you mean you have a bubble? Is it pain?
Sophia: If it was pain I'd call it pain, I have a bubble.
Dorothy: Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?
Blanche: [shows her ring] I know what a bauble is.

Mangiacavallo: [addressing the reception crowd] This is Sophia Petrillo, the woman who stood me up at the altar 65 years ago.
Sophia: And?
Mangiacavallo: And I've just asked her to marry me again, and again she said no.
Sophia: And?
Mangiacavallo: And, so from now on... I'm gay.

Dorothy: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

Sophia: I never liked that show. Every episode it was the same thing, 'Ricky, why can't I be in the show?' 'Ricky, why can't I be in the show?' Why couldn't she be in the show? Her performances at home were a riot, his acts at the club stank. What's so entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

Sophia: I worry about you. You're still my little girl, you know, no matter how big you get.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: By the way, how big are you gonna get?

Lyle: Yes, it's me, Lyle Waggoner. No autographs.
Sophia: No problem.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: If this is true, I'm rooting for Sonny - you know, the paisan. Besides, there's something about this guy that just honks me off.

Dorothy: Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.
Sophia: Think again!
Dorothy: I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any SHADY PINES to sit under.
Sophia: [recognizing the threat] Pillow, pussycat?

Dorothy: [Dorothy is skeptical about Sophia's claim that she's been asked to be in a pizza-store commercial] OK, OK, Ma, where are you going to shoot this commercial?
Sophia: Well, we discussed many exotic, uh, locations, and we settled on... right here!
Blanche: Oh, now hold on here. I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment.
Rose: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there.

Sophia: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get more than half-way across the street before the "Don't Walk" sign comes on... trying to stay awake on the john... hoping it *is* the john...

Blanche: [after looking at her face in the mirror] My God, Dorothy you're right!... I oughta start meeting men lying down...
Sophia: I thought you did!

Karl: All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up in a closet, and us boys are going for a little walk.
Sophia: Wow! Were you ever activities director of a place called Shady Pines?

Sophia: I'm dying, Dorothy, Saturday night at 9, don't make any plans.
Dorothy: Ma, you're being ridiculous!
Sophia: I know! When was the last Saturday night you had plans?

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]
Blanche: Rose, you shot my vase.
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'd rather you shot Lester.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Sophia: [Rose is going out to the lanai] While you're out there, Rose, why don't you pull a few weeds out of the sidewalk?
Rose: Okey dokey.
[leaves]
Dorothy: Ma, you said you'd do the weeding.
Sophia: I said I'd get it done, and it's getting done!

Sophia: If you need me I'll be in the bitter children of celebrities section.
Dorothy: Don't get lost.

Sophia: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Dr. Harris: Pain, Sophia?
Sophia: No, I'm singing rock and roll, of course it's pain.

Dorothy: [Ham just rang the doorbell] Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche: Dorothy, I let this gorgeous man slip though my fingers once before, I don't intend to let it happen again.
Sophia: [Sophia opens the door for Ham, an overweight bald man] You couldn't let him slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Sophia: [to Dorothy] Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, sends the stupidest gifts, what kind of present is dental floss?
Rose: Well it's waxed and it's minty.
Sophia: [tosses it to Rose] Here, go floss yourself.

Dorothy: So Ma, what did you do today?
Sophia: The same thing I do every day, I bought a nectarine.

Dorothy: Now listen, you withered old Sicilian monkey!
Sophia: I don't have to take this. Keep it up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
Dorothy: That's where I take you.
Sophia: Ouch. Guess I backed into that one.

Rose: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Blanche: He's alive?
Dorothy: He's in Miami?
Sophia: He's an earthling?

Stanley: [after Sophia is hit by a fly ball at a baseball game, Stan starts scheming] What would you say if I told you I have come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?
Sophia: I'd say you're about fifty years too late on that one.
Stanley: I'm talking about a lawsuit. If we can show that you're severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ball park for a lot of money.
Sophia: I'm not severely injured.
Stanley: Well, yeah, you can fake it. I have a good doctor friend who will back you up.
Sophia: I'm appalled. Shocked. Disgusted. How much money are we talkin' about?

Sophia: I never have that problem! Never! I sleep like a log! I never have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning, like clockwork, at 7am - I pee. Unfortunately I don't wake up 'till 8.

Sophia: Why do we let things like this happen? Why can't we take care of our elderly like they do in Japan? WHY are there 17 sets of hooters on the coffee table!
Blanche: Those are mine, Sophia.
Sophia: Oh, well let me put on my big "surprise face"!

Dorothy: Well, there's not that much to tell. Eddie took me to the restaurant where he met his ex-wife Roberta.
Rose: Well, I'd think going to that restaurant would just remind him of her.
Dorothy: It did, especially since she owns it, runs it, and calls the place "Roberta's"! As she was seating us, he begged her to come back to him. And after he had wept over his crab cakes, I begged her to come back to him.
Rose: So I guess you're not going to see him again?
Dorothy: Oh yes! Yes, I will!
Blanche: WHAT?
Sophia: Listen, Pussycat. It's been a long time, since you'd been out on a date. And it's quite possible you can no longer judge a good one from a bad one. So let me be of help: Bad date, Dorothy! Bad, bad date!

Sophia: Hi pussycat!
Dorothy: [furious] Say goodbye, old woman.
Sophia: Have a good time?
Dorothy: Do I sound like I had a good time?
Sophia: How the hell should I know? You're always like this.

Blanche: Is this dress me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short, it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes Blanche, it's you.

Sophia: Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?
Dorothy: [laughs nervously] That's a very personal question!
Dorothy: That long, huh?

Sophia: [to the host of "Grab That Dough", after losing] Cram it, piano teeth

Sophia: The fancy man and I have a date at the dog track.
Blanche: Your mother bets?
Dorothy: No, races, she's a dog jockey.

Blanche: Hi Sophia! Boy, I tell you, there is nothing more invigorating than spending a little time on a boat.
Sophia: Oh, yeah? Not when I sailed to America. Picture it. There we were, a tired, poor, huddled mass eating marinara sauce out of a can. It was hell. And the entertainment? Some guy from Palermo forgot his accordion, so he sat around singing "O Solo Mio" while squeezing a monkey.
Blanche: Sophia!
Sophia: Sophia what? It was the worst time of my life. If it weren't for pin the tail on the French, we would've gone stir-crazy.

Dorothy: Ma, the cab driver said you promised him a $67 tip!
Sophia: Don't be ridiculous, I said a 6-7 dollar tip. Why don't these people learn English if they're going to live here? I could have less trouble getting around Ecuador!

Dorothy: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Rose: [Stan's communist cousin is making Rose uncomfortable] This is terrible. I was raised to *hate* communists. I remember in the early '50s, when McCarthy came to St Olaf to speak in the town square. I was never so moved by a public speaker, although some people thought he was a puppet for the Right Wing. No, wait, that was Charlie McCarthy.
Dorothy: I'd have put money on that.
Rose: But still, St Olaf's town motto was, 'Better Ned than Red'. Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?

Dorothy: Ma what's the matter?
Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry, what happened?
Sophia: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well it's great that she was able to work right up till the end.

Dorothy: You're making this all up to run it in! You have NEVER... MET... THESE... PEOPLE!
Sophia: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Dorothy. Just like you in anything backless!

Sophia: [Referring to Dorothy slurping a milkshake from the blender] Is it any wonder I never breast-fed her!

Dorothy: [Sophia and Dorothy come home after the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty pageant] The big news is, we beat Gladys Goldfine, right, Ma?
Sophia: Ahh, it was a hollow victory. Time has taken its toll on Gladys. She's not the fierce competitor she once was.
Dorothy: Y'know, for the talent section, she was supposed to do a medley from The Fantasticks. She started with "Try to Remember" and... she couldn't.

Sophia: Hey, look! There's a black guy doing the news, and it isn't even the weekend!

Sophia: [after meeting George] He's alive alright, I poked him with a stick!

Rose: Back in St Olaf, there was this shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St Olaf as the boy who *didn't* cry "Wolf". Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, "Wolf, wolf". Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried "Wolf" when the wolf *was* there, if he yelled "Wolf" now, it stood to reason the wolf *wasn't* there.
Sophia: Boy, nothing gets by you people.
Rose: Damn straight. It was a bear. A huge, ferocious grizzly bear.
Sophia: [impatiently] What happened to the boy?
Rose: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

Sophia: Sicily, 1912. Picture this - two young girls, best friends, who shared three things: a pizza recipe, some dough, and a dream. Everything is going great until one day, a fast-talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. Of course, both girls are impressed. He dates one one night, the other the next night. Pretty soon, he drives a wedge between them. Before you know it, the pizza suffers, the business suffers, the friendship suffers. The girls part company and head for America, never to see one another again. Rose, one of those girls was me. The other you probably know as Mama Celeste.

Sophia: Great news! Gladys Goldfine called, and she's taking me to see Tony Bennett... Can you believe it? Tony Bennett. What that man does to me with his voice your father couldn't accomplish with his hands.
Blanche: Oh, I know what you're talkin' about, Sophia. There are men's voices that get me goin' like that, too.
Dorothy: Blanche, there are men's socks that can get you going like that.

Dorothy: Ma, why do you continue to take pleasure in amusing yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet, this is who I am Dorothy, either learn to live with it, or have me medicated.