Top 300 Quotes From Rose Nylund

Dorothy: I knew this woman who went to Paris, went out to eat and she just had watercrest, because you know she didn't want to gain weight. And when she left, this gargoyle fell off the roof, hit her on the head and killed her! And just look at what her last meal was.
Blanche: That's horrible, here, eat up.
Dorothy: Of course it'll be just my luck, I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds and I'll live to be 90.
Rose: Me too, I'm as healthy as a horse, unfortunately I'll wind up looking like one.

Sophia: It's not that easy to make new friends.
Rose: It sure wasn't for the first Eskimo family that moved to St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Oh, geez.
Rose: Especially after they sawed a hole and went salmon fishing in the middle of the local ice skating rink. And then there was the Halloween they gave all the kids whale blubber. And then there was the time they borrowed every ice tray in town to build an addition over their garage.
Dorothy: What was the point, Rose?
Rose: I guess, after the baby came, they needed more room! The point of the story! Well, gradually they were able to make friends, and they ended up the most popular family in town!
Blanche: But only because they went out and met people. Isn't that right, Rose?
Rose: No, it was because, in the drought of '49, their house melted and kept the town from dehydrating!

Rose: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the 'phone for a half hour, and guess what?
Blanche: You forgot to dial first?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: You held the receiver upside down.
Rose: Huh-uh.
Dorothy: It wasn't even the 'phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose: No.
Blanche: A shoe?
Rose: Blanche, please, I'm not an idiot... The TV has a remote control?

Rose: Dorothy went out with a komodor, Blanche went out with Stan, and I stayed home making bacon, lettuce, and potato sandwiches!

Dorothy: [as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.
Rose: [wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

Dorothy: [Rose and Dorothy are discussing whether they should enter a Miami song writing competition] You know, Rose, I have to confess, I dabbled a little in poetry writing in high school.
Rose: Oh, well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of tall girls who wouldn't get dates wrote poetry in high school.
Dorothy: I meant that for ten thousand dollars, I might try my hand at lyric writing. I mean, maybe we could, you know, team up.
Rose: You mean music by Rose Nylund, lyrics by Dorothy Zbornak?
Dorothy: Well, why not? I mean, we could be the next Rodgers and Hammerstein, the next Simon and Garfunkel, the next...
Rose: [excited] Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop!
Dorothy: I don't know if I could get my hand that far up your dress... But I'll tell you, for ten thousand dollars, I'd be willing to give it a try.

Dorothy: Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
Rose: It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Dorothy: Oh, well, of course it does. What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't want to check out everything.
Blanche: [very nervous] Yeah, well, if it makes him happy. If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia: Everybody's got a nickname for it.

Renee: At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio talk show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.
Rose: [excited] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee: [delighted] You heard it?
Rose: I didn't know that was you. You were great!
Dorothy: [after a pause to let it sink in] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee: It's a big place. Nobody uses it.
Dorothy: You would take a desert people and put them in the ice and snow?
Rose: With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.

[after a leaky night, Rose comes out of her room carrying a bucket]
Dorothy: Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

Blanche: [planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose: Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche: Rose...
Rose: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche: Rose...
Rose: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy: Rose, this isn't a riddle.
Rose: Well, make it one. I had three good answers!

Sophia: [to Rose and Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti's getting cold.
Rose: We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.
Sophia: I hope the kid can help you, you wear more rouge than Miss Piggy!

Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.

Brother: Excuse me, but do I know you? You look awfully familiar.
Rose: I get that a lot. People say I look like Wilma Flintstone. Not when she was on the air, more the way she looks today.

Dorothy: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
Dorothy: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

Blanche: [about her romance novel] I don't believe it - another rejection! And this one isn't even personal. It's a form letter! They just filled in my name at the top, see? Oh, I'm so upset. I put everything into this, Rose, all of me, I held nothing back. Then to have some snot-nosed little kid from Harvard send me a form letter - oh! I'm so mad I could scream... AHHHHHHHH!
Rose: That's the first time I've ever seen someone say 'I'm so mad I could scream' and then actually do it. It's like 'I laughed all the way to the bank', I've never seen anybody do that either.

Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.

Rose: Laszlo, we came over for you to decide once and for all which one of us you want for your statue.
Laszlo: Rose...
Rose: I knew it! It's me! Walk, suckers! He wants *me*!

Rose: Do you want to watch I Like Lucy with us?
Blanche: I Love Lucy.
Rose: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know how I feel about it.

[Clayton happened to meet Rose after a failed date and confessed his homosexuality to her, now she is helping him to confess to Blanche]
Rose: Tell her, Clayton.
Clayton: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton: Well, I ran into Rose at the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And we had a long talk and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And... we slept together tonight.

Father: You know, what happened to Dorothy's ex-husband is not uncommon. Most people are only 2-3 paychecks away from being homeless.
Rose: Really?
Father: Yes, the poor are everywhere, there's no affordable housing, there aren't any jobs, the cost of living keeps going up and the minimum wage has been held down.

Rose: Dorothy Zbornak, you're a barbell!
Dorothy: That's a DUMBBELL, you twit!

Rose: I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia: Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone!

Rose: You're a college professor?
Miles: Well what did you think I meant when I said I taught Hemingway?
Rose: I thought you were old.

Miles: [Rose is embarrassed that Miles's college colleauges saw the racy photograph she gave him for his birthday] Let me tell you something: Back when I was in the Army, inside my locker I kept a picture of Betty Grable, and she was wearing a lot less than you were wearing in my birthday photo. Sweetheart, she was the darling of America.
Rose: Miles, she was in her twenties, and she had the most beautiful legs on the planet.
Miles: [intimately] Ah... the *second* most beautiful.
Rose: [flattered] Oh, Miles.
Miles: Rita Hayworth had a set of gams on her, boy... Well, no, look, Sweetheart, about the age thing. Something I read someplace I've always believed. Y'know, when you're... when you're young and beautiful, it's an accident of nature. But when you're beautiful older, you've earned it. That you created yourself.

[Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi]
Rose: You must be tired after your cab trip.
Sophia: Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!

Rose: We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.
Rose: We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.

Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Dorothy: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche: Is she okay?
Dorothy: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!

Rose: You know, I've been thinking...
Blanche: Well, that would explain the beads of sweat!

[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son]
Blanche: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche: What's the other theory?
Dorothy: Men are scum.

Rose: [everyone is relieved as Sophia improves after a rough night in the hospital] What about you, Dorothy? You must be exhausted being here by yourself all night.
Dorothy: No, I wasn't alone. Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me, showed me that special part of himself.
Rose: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy: Not that part, Rose.

Rose: Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?
Alma: Rosey, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.
Rose: There's nothing wrong with take a nap - Bob Hope takes naps!
Sophia: Unless he's in the bedroom, now, taking one I think she'd rather stay here with us.

Rose: I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!
Dorothy: VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. TELL ME HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?
Alma: IT WAS JUST FINE!
[to Rose]
Alma: Which one of them is hard of hearing?

Dorothy: Did you finish the decorations, Rose?
Rose: No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked.
[reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture]
Rose: Look.
Dorothy: This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?
Rose: Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty.
[Dorothy pops the balloon]
Dorothy: Now you can call him garbage.

Rose: Never ever give up your dreams, even when they're doused in sorrow, because even though they seem far away, they could come true tomorrow.

Glen: Our whole block was Irish, the other block was Italian. We used to take turns beating each other up on the way home from school.
Rose: I think it's nice when kids take turns.

Sophia: I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was seventeen.
Rose: What happened then?
Sophia: [to Dorothy] Your father put his hand in my blouse.
Blanche: So?
Sophia: So, I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.

Rose: Now, I know no one wants to hear any of my stories right now...
Dorothy: That's always a safe bet, Rose.
Rose: ...but you need to hear about my cousin Ingmar. He was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche: Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose: Well, let's just say you wouldn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

Blanche: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy: Rambo?
Rose: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

Dorothy: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him, she's on the phone all the time, she stays up all night. Last night she came with NyQuil on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy: I haven't noticed.
Rose: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Rose: What are you doing?
Blanche: I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
Rose: I never do very much with my eyebrows.
Blanche: That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.

Sophia: [in a card game on the lanai, Sophia doesn't play fair] Look, Mr Finebaum's totally naked in his bedroom window.
Dorothy: [Rose looks where Sophia is pointing; Dorothy grabs the cards] That is the third time we caught you cheating. Ma, you're out of the game.
Sophia: Hey, give me a break. When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat, just like you're allowed to take money out of your daughter's purse. Oops. Uh, was that the 'phone? Don't trouble yourselves. I'll get it.
[she goes inside]
Rose: How did you know your mother was cheating, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Because Mr Finebaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a Boy Scout neckerchief. But never in the same place twice. Which is why there's no Mrs Finebaum. Deal.

Blanche: Can you believe it? After four long years, my baby girl is finally coming to see me. I'm so happy, I could cry.
Rose: But Blanche, you *are* crying!
Dorothy: Admit it, Rose, you worked for Allied Intelligence during World War II.
Rose: Huh?
Dorothy: Fine. Play it cagey.

Dorothy: Well?
Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
Dorothy: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
Rose: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Rose: Wait a minute, if you didn't sleep with any of the men in here, why does it say BED on it?
Blanche: Oh it doesn't say bed
Rose: Yes it does, right here.
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

Rose: [coming into the kitchen] Hi, girls. What a great day. I feel so terrific. It's like life is a giant weenie roast, and I'm the biggest weenie.
Sophia: No argument from this corner.

Rose: Did I ever tell you about my cousin, Vicdor Friggin'? He tried to go it alone in a three-legged race. Well, you know, what happened to him?
Dorothy: Please! Please Rose! I don't want to hear about your friggin' cousin.

Sophia: [enters the kitchen] Hello, what's shakin
Rose: apparently Blanches breasts, that's why she's going to...
Dorothy: Shut-up Rose

Dorothy: Rose, I need money, fast, and I'm up to my limit at the automated teller.
Rose: Is this about the phone call you just received?
Dorothy: The phone call? Yes, it was the paper boy, I forgot to pay him last week.
Rose: How much do you need?
Dorothy: $250.
Rose: Isn't that a lot of money for the paper boy?
Dorothy: Rose, the truth is that I need the money so my mother can have an operation.
Rose: Oh my God, Sophia needs surgery?
Dorothy: Not really surgery, she's just going to get her face done.
Rose: How's she getting it done?
Dorothy: South Western, Rose!

Rose: [to the girls as she is about to open the front door to her sister] God, I *hate* this woman!

Rose: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancée?
Dorothy: No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Blanche: [after seeing that Rose's dog had taken her slipper again] I do not believe this. I had this thing hidden in the closet, behind three suitcases.
Rose: Isn't this dog amazing? He can find anything.
Sophia: Anything?
[to the dog]
Sophia: A viable Democrat for President. Go!

Rose: [the girls are discussing Blanche's notion of marrying her late husband's brother, Jamie] I remember back in St Olaf, when Inge Engstrand married her late husband's brother, Lars, and the whole town was shocked. 'Course, that could have been because at the time Inge was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.
Dorothy: It was probably a factor.
Rose: The trial went on for months. Attorneys' fees cost her an arm and a leg.
Sophia: [impatiently] Rose, get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.
Rose: So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.
Sophia: [incredulous] They let her go?
Rose: No, they hanged her.

Dorothy: We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed, den of iniquity?
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!

Rose: [at the reunion] When no-one was looking, I went by the no-show table and got four name tags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong, and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples, and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Sophia: Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?
Dorothy: Go to Hell, Myron.

Dorothy: [Dorothy is skeptical about Sophia's claim that she's been asked to be in a pizza-store commercial] OK, OK, Ma, where are you going to shoot this commercial?
Sophia: Well, we discussed many exotic, uh, locations, and we settled on... right here!
Blanche: Oh, now hold on here. I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment.
Rose: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there.

Sophia: Rose, let me gve you a few lessons in economics. Lesson one: quit being an idiot.
Rose: Ok.
Sophia: Lesson number two: the law of supply and demand. Before you supply the sandwihes, you demand the money.
Rose: Ok.
Sophia: Lesson number three: quit being an idiot.

Dorothy: Rose we have to talk to you about Christmas. It is too hot to go out shopping again so why don't we just draw names out of a hat and then we only have to buy one gift each?
Rose: But Dorothy I love Christmas and I love giving presents at Christmas. Besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they going to be?
Dorothy: The Oakridge Boys, Rose! Each others'!

Rose: [Regarding 'I Love Lucy', as Dorothy kicks Blanche and Rose out the living room] What about Lucy?
Blanche: We can watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose: But that sets in black and white!

Renee: Dorothy, it's crazy, but I feel like, how can I bother him? He's doing all this important stuff. Saving lives. And I'm gonna bother him because I'm a little unhappy?
Dorothy: Renee, Jenny just left for college. All your kids are gone. This is a perfectly legitimate problem.
Rose: It's the "Empty Nest" syndrome. When I had it, I didn't know what it was. I was just very depressed. By the time I figured out what it was, I was gonna tell Charlie, but he died that night.

Dorothy: What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?
Rose: YES!

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

Dorothy: [after Sophia leaves to join a convent] God, I miss that woman. Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose: I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like, 'Tramp', 'Floozie', 'Trollop', 'Harlot', 'Magic Carpet Ride'.
Rose: [everyone joins in the fun] 'The Human Luge'.
Dorothy: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you, 'Shore Leave'.

Rose: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, black woman] The same thing happened to the Vigbotters back in St. Olaf. Y'see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Vigbotter didn't approve. He did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home early, and he found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... a most indelicate situation.
Dorothy: What did he do?
Rose: Well he yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche: He turned the hose on them?
Rose: Well they were in the front yard!
Blanche: [Blanche gasps] Ohhhhh?
Dorothy: Wait - wait a minute, wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen weren't people were they?
Rose: Of course not. They were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer, and Mr. Vigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche: You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose: I know I drive you crazy, but it's just because I love you so much. You know, after daddy died, I just thought I'd never get over it. And Charlie... Well, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about him. And now that you're getting older, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you too. That's why I fuss over you so much.
Alma: I understand, Rosie, but stopping me from living isn't going to stop me from dying.
Rose: [They hug] Oh, I can't stand to think about it!
Alma: Well, then, don't. Let's just enjoy what we have...

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh, no, Rose. It's all my fault. The minute I found out you were contagious, I should have thrown you out on the street.
Rose: I said I was sorry.
Blanche: Oh, I feel just terrible! My eyes are all puffy, my nose is red, my glands are swollen. Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

[Blanche and Rose are concluding an afternoon of clothes shopping]
Blanche: I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts, too?

Rose: [turned on at the wedding] Did anybody else notice the buns on the priest?

Sophia: [Scene missing from DVD releases] Hey, where's my microwave popcorn?
Rose: We gave it away. Since Blanche got her pacemaker the doctor says we can't use the microwave.
Sophia: But I love that popcorn!
Dorothy: Ma, if we use the microwave, Blanche could die.
Sophia: Same thing with Cup O'Noodles?
Dorothy: We're not going to use it, Ma. As a matter of fact, tomorrow the people from Goodwill are coming to pick it up.
Sophia: But I love this microwave. I'm 83 years old, do you want me to spend what little time I have left waiting for a baked potato?
[Later after Blanche leaves the room]
Sophia: For this we're giving up Cheez Whiz nachos?

Blanche: [the girls are preparing to crash the High School reunion of a school they didn't attend] Rose, all I'm saying is I just want to make sure you're prepared.
Rose: Look, I studied that yearbook as hard as you did. Ask me anything. Anything.
Blanche: OK, I will. What were the school colors?
Rose: [thinking hard, speaking carefully] Ahhh, uh, Brick, and a kind of cementy color between the bricks.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose: I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Dr. Jonathan Newman: [Rose and Dr Newman are finishing dinner] Well, what did you think?
Rose: Oh, it was delicious. I love French food. What was that you had?
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Trout.
Rose: What do they call it in French?
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Le Trout.

[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose: What kinda protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?

[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

Rose: [Rose has been unable to sleep, and Dorothy is upset with Blanche] Calm down, Dorothy, I'll brew you some tea.
Dorothy: I don't want any tea.
Rose: Oh, but this the special blend. It's very soothing.
Dorothy: [she reads the label] Rose, have you been drinking much of this?
Rose: Only at night when I can't sleep.
Dorothy: Hon-... this is *loaded* with caffeine.
Rose: But we need caffeine, especially women our age, or our bones'll get brittle and we'll walk all stooped over.
Dorothy: That's calcium, Rose. Calcium, not caffeine. This is what has been keeping you awake.
Rose: You mean if I stop drinking that, I can sleep?
Dorothy: You may even blink again.

Big: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche: OHHHHHHH!
Big: Is she happy or sad?
Rose: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Rose: Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window?
Blanche: Oh, absolutely. I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of cold duck, and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
Dorothy: Just because of rain tapping at your window?
Dorothy: Oh, I thought she said *Wayne*.

Sophia: I'm knitting a cover for the sherry.
Rose: Why do we need a cover for the sherry?
Sophia: Not the sherry here at the house, the sherry I take to the park. You drink out of a brown paper bag and suddenly everybody's your friend.

Dorothy: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
Rose: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Rose: Oh, Carl is quite a guy. Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles! Although, I do have one dream that both Carl and Miles are in.
Blanche: [sensually] Oh!
[long pause]
Blanche: And?
Rose: Okay. And Captain Kangaroo!

Blanche: Who is this secret man you're seein'?
Rose: Oh, it's not a secret. His name is Ray. He's a friend of Miles.
Blanche: You are dating a friend of Miles? You scalywag.
Sophia: You skunkweed.
Blanche: What's that mean?
Sophia: I don't know. What does yours mean?

Rose: I never went to the St. Olaf junior prom.
Sophia: How come?
Rose: It was only for people named Junior.

Rose: [Complaining about a coworker] The truth is, she's a sweet girl, looking for a friend. And we do have a common bond. She used to be a newscaster. Now, she's just an assistant like me. So, there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. Of course, I'm no psychologist.
Blanche: No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?
Dorothy: Blanche, c'mon, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But, since the cat's outta the bag, how *do* you know those words?
Rose: I guess it's from reading the American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St Olaf, you know. If fact, my uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
Sophia: And what were you? The centerfold?

Rose: Wherever she goes, she always finds a man!
Sophia: So do hookers.

Dorothy: I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose: You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.
Dorothy: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose: I have to test them.
Dorothy: Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.
Rose: Good Lord I'm a criminal!
Dorothy: Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.

Rose: I just feel a little achy, that's all.
Dorothy: "Achy"? What kind of achy? Head achy, stomach achy, back achy, what achy?

Rose: Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Dorothy: It was great! He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
Sophia: [not sharing Dorothy's optimism] Oh, lucky me. I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone. I could have slept with JFK, and don't even know it.
Dorothy: [trying hard not to laugh] Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche: [in a low, sultry voice] Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dorothy: Ma, come on now. I mean, he also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
[she leaves]
Dorothy: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche: I hate watching what it's doin' to you.
Rose: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.

Dorothy: Try to figure out who are the real guests, and who are actors pretending to be guests, that'll make it much easier later on.
Rose: Okay Dorothy... if that's your real name.
[goes past Gloria's table]
Rose: How's that coffee?
Gloria: [points to her cup] Terrific!
Rose: [under her breath] Actor!

Blanche: [the girls can't believe that Blanche doesn't want to go to the hospital to see boyfriend Steven after his heart attack] Oh, look, I'm tryin' to keep this relationship casual. If I go to that hospital, I'm in, and there's no gettin' out.
Rose: Don't be silly. All you have to do is follow the orange line down the middle of the hallways. They lead right to the elevators.

Dorothy: We're looking for my mother.
Rose: Maybe she's lost.
Brother: Congratulations, Rose, you finally got one.

Rose: [singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...
Dorothy: THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?
Rose: Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose: Sophia, this is the meanest thing you've ever done.
Sophia: Oh come on, how about the time I buried you up to your neck in the sand and let kids throw baseballs at you for a quarter?
Rose: Well I can't hold that one against you, that was for charity.
Sophia: Yeah charity, right.

[Rose opens the front door]
Fidel: Hello!
Rose: Oh, hello! We thought you were Blanche's date but you're much too old.
Fidel: Hola, Blanche!
Blanche: Hello sweetheart, come here. I want you to meet all my friends.
Rose: [to Fidel] Please forgive me. It wasn't my fault; my cousins have been marrying each other for generations. I'm sorry.

Blanche: Sophia, why are you up?
Sophia: Same reason you're up.
Blanche: You're filled with anxiety?
Sophia: I'm old.
Blanche: I'm not old.
Sophia: Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your 40's.
Blanche: It's either that or a big rent raise.
Rose: Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?
Blanche: Sophia's old and I'm filled with anxiety.

Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.

Rose: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy. I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes I do... Don't ever do that.

Sophia: [to Rose, who's dragging her feet on the floor] Rose, don't make fun of old people.
Rose: I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.
Sophia: Do they come in headbands?

Rose: I'd probably end up calling her a slut.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, honey; slut is a little harsh. I mean, Blanche isn't that bad.
Blanche: [staggering and yelling] Oh my God, I can barely walk!
Dorothy: Although slut does have a documentary feel to it...

Rose: [through a megaphone at a 'Save the Dolphins' protest] All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can't mate or the mice would explode.

Rose: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche: So you told her?
Rose: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Rose: [planning a surprise] I have to figure out which of the traditional St Olaf party games to play at Blanche's party.
Blanche: [suddenly walks into the kitchen] Party? Is that why you've been sneakin' around tryin' to find out my age? A party? I forbid it!
Rose: Blanche, a party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you, but for your friends who love you.
Blanche: [unyielding] No!
Rose: Stop being so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.
Blanche: Yes you can! If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women who look at lot older than you.
[she leaves in a huff]
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, is 'Kill the Bitch' a traditional St Olaf party game?

Blanche: They're not gonna redeem the bonds?
Rose: Oh, they want to, but the city would have to liquidate all its assets. St Olaf would be bankrupt.
Blanche: And this affects me how?
Rose: Don't you understand? If we take that money, there won't be any left for the police cars, and the fire trucks, and the Children's Cheese Museum.
Blanche: You have a museum where children go to look at cheese?
Rose: Hey, it beats learning about it in the streets.

Rose: Sophia, if you hated your sister would you clean the house?
Sophia: I'd put Vaseline on the tips of her walker!

Rose: Your father tells me you're a classical musician. What do you play?
Caroline: The English Horn.
Rose: I didn't know horns had nationalities. But I guess it makes sense, if jumping beans can be Mexican, and fire drills can be Chinese, and flies can be Spanish.

Rose: We were all so lonely and then by a miracle we found each other.
Dorothy: Rose, we both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket. It was not the resurrection. It is hardly a miracle.
Rose: To me it was, because we're happy.

Rose: Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum as I think it is?
George: I don't know, there hasn't been a Hoover in the White House in 60 years.

Rose: [enters kitchen] Girls, I just went out to the garage to check on Count Bessie and her cage is open and she's gone! Where could she be?
Dorothy: [looks at her dinner] Aunt Angela, where did you get this chicken?
Angela: The garage.
Blanche: [forlornly puts her fried chicken down] I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.

Blanche: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy: George.
Blanche: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose: George.
Blanche: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy: Well, there's not that much to tell. Eddie took me to the restaurant where he met his ex-wife Roberta.
Rose: Well, I'd think going to that restaurant would just remind him of her.
Dorothy: It did, especially since she owns it, runs it, and calls the place "Roberta's"! As she was seating us, he begged her to come back to him. And after he had wept over his crab cakes, I begged her to come back to him.
Rose: So I guess you're not going to see him again?
Dorothy: Oh yes! Yes, I will!
Blanche: WHAT?
Sophia: Listen, Pussycat. It's been a long time, since you'd been out on a date. And it's quite possible you can no longer judge a good one from a bad one. So let me be of help: Bad date, Dorothy! Bad, bad date!

Rose: This morning I was all snugly warm under the covers and I opened my eyes and there was Baby, fast asleep at the foot of the bed, like a sweet angel.
Dorothy: That is sweet. Rose, how long do you think it'll be before the pig is dead?

Blanche: Oh, Kendall is sitting down with Posey MacGlinn. She is my main rival for that assistants job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose: You flirted with him.
Blanche: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose: What does that mean?
Dorothy: Her mother was a slut, too.

Rose: [Sophia can't stop coughing] Dorothy, should I get Sophia some water?
Dorothy: No, Rose, you should stand there and watch her hack herself to death.
Rose: ...really?
Dorothy: GET THE WATER!
Blanche: *I* am calling the doctor.
Sophia: I can't breathe!
Dorothy: Blanche, forget the doctor, call the paramedics!

Rose: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy: How could our train have left a half-hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!
Rose: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalappichobee!

Dorothy: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Dorothy: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy: Merrill Kell... Who's he?
Sophia: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche: [entering the kitchen] Good morning girls.
Sophia: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.
Dorothy: Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche: Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

Rose: [her colleague, Jerry Kennedy, the local TV station's news anchor is coming to the house] Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things I can kid him about. I can get away with it, because he considers me a good friend.
Dorothy: Well, then, why not tease him about his taste in friends.

Rose: [Stan's communist cousin is making Rose uncomfortable] This is terrible. I was raised to *hate* communists. I remember in the early '50s, when McCarthy came to St Olaf to speak in the town square. I was never so moved by a public speaker, although some people thought he was a puppet for the Right Wing. No, wait, that was Charlie McCarthy.
Dorothy: I'd have put money on that.
Rose: But still, St Olaf's town motto was, 'Better Ned than Red'. Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?

Blanche: [entering the kitchen] I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut!
Rose: [sitting with her back to the door] Don't tell me... Is it Blanche?

Rose: [to Blanche] What was the best sex you ever had?
Dorothy: Oh, way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cut-off point.
Blanche: Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music, did they land on their feet during the dismount. Different people have different strengths, it's just impossible to tell. But, anything over a nine is excellent.
Rose: Over a nine?
Blanche: Points, Rose, points!

Sophia: [Rose mistakes the wrong woman for Lillian] That's not Lillian!
Rose: You said you were Lillian!
Woman: You think I'm in here because I'm good with names?

Rose: I can't get my promotion unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh no! Honey don't do that, no job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy: Blanche! Bilingual means someone who speaks more than one language!
Blanche: Oh!
[laughs]
Blanche: And here I thought it was something sexual.

Blanche: [Rose comes in carrying a large box] What's in the box, Rose?
Rose: Oh, brochures for the Be a Pal program. I'm mailing them out.
Dorothy: Oh, how does that work?
Rose: Well, you just put 'em in an envelope, and stick a stamp on 'em...

Rose: [reminiscing about her late husband] Charlie liked to do all the typical teen-age things. When we'd go to a drive-in movie, he'd hide me in the trunk so we only had to pay admission for one. And after the movie, he'd drive me home, let me out of the trunk, and tell me all about it.

Rose: [after shutting the door] I have no idea who that man is!
Dorothy: Rose, why didn't you tell him you don't remember him?
Rose: And hurt an old friend? Boy Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you!

Rose: [distraught] I tried so hard to impress Caroline.
Blanche: I remember when a woman had to impress a man's *parents*, not his *children*. Oh, Mama Devereaux was fit to be tied when George introduced me. She wanted her boy to marry a *virgin*.
Rose: How did she know you weren't?
Sophia: Maybe it was all the 'honk if you had Blanche' bumper stickers.

Rose: When the nitrous oxide wore off and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy: Why, Rose, I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose: I don't think 'wowie-wow-wow-wow' is a medical term.
Blanche: [outraged] How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Dorothy: Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it. What is this hold that Buzz has over you?
Blanche: Oh, I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy. First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Heywood Boyle, the star pitcher on our High School baseball team. Ah, an amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control.
[she pauses in reverie, while Dorothy rolls her eyes]
Blanche: He was always up for extra innings.
[another pause]
Blanche: And his delivery...
Dorothy: [erupting] All right, Blanche, enough!
Rose: Yeah, we get it. So, what was he like in bed?

Dorothy: [Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.
Rose: [Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
[panicking]
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Rose: You know what's funny? Everytime the baby's diaper needs to be changed, the bears disappear.
Dorothy: That's funny, everytime my kids' diapers needed to be changed, my husband would disappear.

Rose: If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships anyway.
Ernie: You're right. I mean, what is sex after all?
Rose: Two clunky old bodies, thrashing around against each other, like animals.
Ernie: You get all sweaty and flushed.
Rose: Your hair gets mussed.
Ernie: You lose your breath.
Rose: You lose your earring.
Ernie: Your mouth waters.
Rose: Your nose runs.
Ernie: Your heart races.
Rose: Your blood races.
Ernie: Rose?
Rose: Say it, Ernie!
Ernie: It's time, Rose!
Rose: Check, please!

Blanche: [Rose is suddenly concerned about a letter she has received] What is it, Rose. Is somethin' wrong?
Rose: I'm not sure. St Luke's Hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test. That's where I had by gallbladder out six years ago.
Dorothy: Can I see it, Rose?
Rose: They throw organs out after surgery.
Dorothy: The letter, Rose.
Rose: Oh.

[Rose and Dorothy are attempting to move a new toilet into the bathroom]
Rose: Oh, don't give up, Dorothy. If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, Rose. Get me twenty thousand Hebrews and I'll see what I can do.

Rose: So, Ham, what's "Ham" short for?
Sophia: My guess is "ham and potatoes"!

Dorothy: [talking about her upcoming trip to New York] I'm going just for two days, to see a doctor. I've asked Rose to go with me.
Blanche: [offended] Rose? Why her?
Dorothy: She's comforting.
Blanche: And I'm not?
Sophia: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.
Blanche: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.
Sophia: [mocking] Angel of mercy!
Blanche: Well I didn't know he was gonna pick that precise hour to die. How could I know that?
Rose: Well, he was in a coma.
Blanche: Oh, he'd been in a coma for days. The fact is, I happen to be very good with sick people. I was once a candy-stripper.
Dorothy: That's *striper*.

Rose: I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
Dorothy: And I am the Pygmy queen!

Dorothy: The most amazing thing about Grandma was that, in 1952, she decided to go into politics.
Rose: Politics?
Dorothy: Uh huh, she felt it was her personal responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
[pauses]
Dorothy: Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because, you know, he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough. Already too many people eating meat on Friday
[chuckling]
Dorothy: ... and wearing condoms on Saturday.
Rose: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy: [sarcastically] She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was 6. She died, you idiot!
Rose: How did she die?
Dorothy: You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go cart with two *really big* back wheels.

Dorothy: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose: I have a sister story...
Dorothy: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Rose: You know, I've read that you can even buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or is it, Star Search winners?
Blanche: Buy? Well, sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!

Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell... the "2 for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Blanche: Goin' out with your boyfriend's friend is very exciting. Take it from me. I wrote the book on dating.
Rose: Really? What's it called?
Blanche: It doesn't have a title, you twit.
Dorothy: [Dorothy enters, wearing a bathrobe to keep Sophia from finding out she's dressed to go out with Stan] Hi. Ahh, sorry. Well, good night.
Blanche: Oh, you going to bed already?
Dorothy: Well, what's so terrible about going right to bed?
Rose: Hey, Blanche, that's a great title for your book!

Rose: [Dorothy tries to convince Rose to notify Al's family] I can't tell her where he died!
Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers and you found him on the lawn.
Rose: That's not bad.

Blanche: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda: Who are you?
Blanche: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Frieda: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche: You miserable old...
Dorothy: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why, you miserable old...
Rose: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Sophia: [to Dorothy] Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, sends the stupidest gifts, what kind of present is dental floss?
Rose: Well it's waxed and it's minty.
Sophia: [tosses it to Rose] Here, go floss yourself.

Rose: Can I have those gummy bears?
Blanche: They are good, aren't they?
Rose: Oh I don't eat them.
Sophia: Then why do you want them?
Rose: To play army! And sometimes, I line them up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.

Blanche: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me the truth. Now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche: [annoyed] I am talkin' about my job at the museum.
Dorothy: Of course you're competent, Blanche, I mean they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche: Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly lookin' over my shoulder?
Dorothy: I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Dorothy: [Stan is telling the Girls about his latest invention] What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing-impaired?
Stan: It's not a novelty, it's a Zbornie!
Rose: What's a Zbornie?
Dorothy: I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose, you don't want to know.
Stan: It's not that, Dorothy, I just used the same name.

Blanche: Well that's all of the presents, except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Sophia: Wait a minute, what about the one Blanche hid behind the couch?
Rose: Oh my present for you!
[picks it up and gives it to Blanche]
Rose: I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Dorothy: [grinning] Neither can I.
Blanche: [opens the present hesitantly, surprised] Rose! It's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you'd want something crotchless.

Rose: I feel so common, so cheap... so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Blanche: ...Rose, just for that I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while your taking a shower.

Rose: Good luck, Dorothy, I hope he finds something wrong.
[Dorothy looks at her]
Rose: Oh not something *wrong* wrong, I mean wrong as in you know you're right when you say there's something wrong and you haven't been wrong all along.
Blanche: My God I am so tired I can't understand people when they speak anymore. What did she just say, Dorothy, was that a poem?

Rose: Back in St Olaf, our justice system is very progressive. Their motto was, "Use a gun, go apologize".

Rose: [Impressed when Dorothy solved the mock murder] Dorothy, that was a real tour de France!

Rose: How did things go with the doctor, Sophia?
Sophia: He said I had the body of a 40-year-old. A DEAD 40-year-old.

Dorothy: I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose: Did he have a head for numbers?
Dorothy: Stanley? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.

Rose: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Blanche: He's alive?
Dorothy: He's in Miami?
Sophia: He's an earthling?

Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Blanche: [Rose is just coming home] Rose, what were you doin' out so early this mornin'?
Rose: I couldn't sleep, so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama! Blanche, do you know, at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa, they have an egg dish named after you!
Blanche: Really! How are they prepared.
Sophia: [deadpan] Over easy.

Rose: Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep!
Sophia: Please! I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was seventy.
Rose: I shouldn't complain; I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsie Uteruden back in St. Olaf. She stayed away for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Course she couldn't have done it without the moral support of her children... and her husband... and his cattle prod.

Blanche: But, honey, she's just a child. You cant expect a child to give back a toy. You do understand, don't you?
Rose: Just cut the crap and get the damn teddy bear!

Rose: It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.
Blanche: They *are* the dumbest birds.

Patrick: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?

Rose: Back in St Olaf, there was this shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St Olaf as the boy who *didn't* cry "Wolf". Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, "Wolf, wolf". Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried "Wolf" when the wolf *was* there, if he yelled "Wolf" now, it stood to reason the wolf *wasn't* there.
Sophia: Boy, nothing gets by you people.
Rose: Damn straight. It was a bear. A huge, ferocious grizzly bear.
Sophia: [impatiently] What happened to the boy?
Rose: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

Rose: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy: Your what?
Blanche: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Rose: Hi girls... gee what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking - it isn't true.
Rose: Good - then George Bush isn't married to his mother?

Rose: I guess I never really learned how to be assertive.
Blanche: Honey, it's as easy as riding a bicycle.
Rose: I never learned how to ride a bicycle.
Dorothy: It's as easy as falling off of a bicycle.
Rose: Oh! That is easy!
[leaves kitchen]
Dorothy: [turns to Blanche] I had a hunch.

Rose: I've kept these bitter butter memories too long.

Rose: You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.

Rose: Y'know, people in St. Olaf are lucky - we all have the same family tree; you can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.
Dorothy: Well, I think that completes the puzzle.

Blanche: [Rose wants to keep a puppy she has bonded with] Rose, the answer is 'No'.
Rose: Well, that's not fair. Last week you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
Blanche: There, you see, you don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose: I don't want a man. I just want to come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, and lick my face, and fetch a ball when I throw it.
Blanche: You can get a man to do that.

Eddie: [Dorothy's blind date finally arrives] Hi, I'm Eddie.
Dorothy: [to the girls] It took a computer to come up with this?
Eddie: [Eddie explains that he's been in a long depression, and is still not completely recovered] After twenty-five years of marriage, my wife, Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.
Rose: That's terrible. Married twenty-five years and she doeesn't know your name is Eddie?

Blanche: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

Rose: [Offscreen] Oh, my God!
[Blanche and Dorothy get up from the table and go into the bedroom where Rose is talking to see what is wrong]
Bridget: [Sheepishly; Bridget is in bed with Michael] Hi there.
Rose: Oh, girls, don't look!
Dorothy: Michael Zbornak, you get out of that bed *right* now!
Michael: Believe me, Mom, I'd like to, but in light of the fact that my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, I don't think it's such a good idea.
Rose: Oh, my God, they're naked!
Dorothy: People usually are in this situation, Rose.
Blanche: Unless they're all dressed up in costumes.
[Dorothy gives Blanche a look and Rose winces]
Blanche: Sorry.
Sophia: [Enter Sophia] What's all the commotion?
[Sees Bridget and Michael in bed]
Sophia: Oh, *boy.*
Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please, I'm 80 years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it *looks* like.

Sophia: [Sophia is fed up with Dorothy's criticism of her lifestyle] Well, I'm leaving. I found a compatible roommate. Here's my new address and 'phone number.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma, you're joking.
Sophia: It's no joke. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. Arrivederci, and Sayonara.
[she leaves]
Rose: Gee, she could have at least said, 'Goodbye'.

Rose: Does anybody know how many z's there are in "czar"?

Dorothy: I knew I never should have gotten involved in this mother-daughter pageant. I just wish I'd known how to say "No" to it.
Rose: I know what you mean. I should have said "No" to the Miss St Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter, too.

Blanche: [to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.
Sophia: Who are you, Mr. Spock?
Rose: I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.
Sophia: They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?

Rose: I'm so depressed. We didn't accomplish a single thing today.
Dorothy: Sure we did, we found out that in a pinch, fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose - is the ceiling in your room leaking, too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

Rose: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, and Schroder was behind the plate, and Lucy and Snoopy were in the outfield, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do suppose it all means?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?

Blanche: [Blanche and Sophia were conned out of $2,000 by a man, along with a woman posing as a nun] I just got off the 'phone with a Sgt Delfino of the bunco squad. He said they picked up two people who match the description we gave 'em. They want us to come down tomorrow and pick out nuns from a lineup.
Rose: That must make you feel proud.
Blanche: Well, now, that's what Sgt Delfino said: "Why, you must feel proud, knowing that by having come forth as you have, you have possibly saved other oldsters from a similar ripoff." He called me an oldster. I called him a pig. We're havin' dinner on Saturday.

Clayton: I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding, compassionate and forgiving.
Blanche: [entering the room] Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.

Sophia: Rose, before you bring out the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added to it?
Rose: Well I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll give you a hint: they're sugary, and they're gggggggrrrreat!

Michael: [telling his mother about the woman he has suddenly decided to marry] She's staying with her family in Miami Beach. We thought maybe we'd get the two families together Sunday?
Dorothy: [sincerely] Oh, terrific idea. I can't wait to meet her.
Michael: Before you do, Mom, there is something about her you should know. Lorraine is... kind of... black.
Dorothy: [suddenly uncomfortable, laughing in denial as she tries to process what Michael is telling her] Kind of black. What, uh, what, what does that mean, 'kind of black'? I mean, that's, uh, that's like being kind of Spanish. Y'know, either you are or you arent.
Michael: She is.
Dorothy: Oh God!
Rose: Emilio Estevez is kind of Spanish, Dorothy.
Dorothy: [sarcastically] Thank you, Rose.

Rose: I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche: The second time?
Rose: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy: Charlie.
Blanche: No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose: Nothing!
Blanche: Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Rose: [proudly] Sophia, I'm a high school graduate!
Sophia: Congratulations. Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat.

Dorothy: I won't be seeing Geoffrey any more. He's leaving town.
Rose: I knew it. The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches. Those squabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.
Dorothy: You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what?
Sophia: What a minute! Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say, "Girls, girls"? Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?
Rose: Well, you're awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years!
Dorothy: Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.
Sophia: What's your point?
Dorothy: What are you saying?
Rose: Well, isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years!

Dorothy: Rose, get up, you have a phone call.
Rose: [half asleep] Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy?
Dorothy: No kitten, you have a phone call.
Rose: [takes out her earplugs] What?
Dorothy: YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, it's your friend MILTON!
Rose: Oh my goodness, why's he calling so late?
Dorothy: Well you told him to call day or night!
Rose: That was just an expression, like laugh and the world laughs with you, well the whole world doesn't really laugh.

[Rose is following Dorothy around with a camcorder]
Dorothy: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am infront of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose: Don't worry. This is a documentary; it's okay if you're not good looking.
Dorothy: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, congratulations. I hear you've been nominated again for the volunteer of the year award.
Rose: Yup. Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard award, and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me. Well, she's not gonna do that this year. This year, I'm finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna *win*.
Dorothy: Why, beacause you worked harder than Agnes?
Rose: Because she's dead. Yup, as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead. Coffee?
Blanche: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose: Come on, she was eighty-nine, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche: She *fell* asleep drivin' the bookmobile!

Rose: How can you tell if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Dorothy: You know something? We are really lucky that we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose: I know. When I was growing up in Minnesota, the doctor made house calls all the time... for us and the livestock.
Dorothy: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose: Sure. Worked out fine... until the doctor started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.

Stanley: Everybody, this is Dr... Jerry.
Rose: Dr Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.
Dr. Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes. But I'm getting better at it.

Carl: [Just as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was responding to her ad, Carl comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose] Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.
Rose: Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.
Carl: [takes a good look at Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy: [outraged] How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
Carl: [ecstatic] Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.
Blanche: [Dorothy throws Carl out, just as Blanche is coming home] Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They all want to know how many drachmas there are in eight dollars!

Rose: We should put out the Welcome mat.
Blanche: We don't have a Welcome mat.
Rose: What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed?

Dorothy: I don't know, Ma, I guess Phil had some deep psychological need and cross dressing provided an emotional outlet.
Rose: I may be old fashioned, but why didn't he just drink?

Rose: I'm concerned about nuclear war.
Dorothy: [to Blanche] And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Blanche: Girls, look, I know it seems strange, but I happen to have strong feelings for Fidel. I can't explain it. Some things in life defy explanation.
Rose: Yeah, like Bruce Willis' hair.

Dorothy: Rose, I have read every want-ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?
Rose: Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.
Dorothy: I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.

Rose: You know, Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: PLEASE, no one say 'What woman?'!

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]
Blanche: Rose, you shot my vase.
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'd rather you shot Lester.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Rose: Norweigans are notoriously bad at Spanish.
Dorothy: I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.

Sophia: [the girls are upset when they arrive late for their Los Angeles hotel reservations the night before their game show appearance] Would you stop complaining? We've got it easy. Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was Torture.
Rose: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia: I just told you, Torture. Mussolini asked the questions, and you'd better have the right answers. Things like, Who do you like better, me or Hitler? Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler? Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler? And you always had to answer, Mussolini. Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

Dorothy: Why are the Christmas cookies shaped like Liberty Bells and American flags?
Rose: I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters so I used the 4th of July ones.

Rose: This is so strange, I always thought Daddy was much taller.
Dorothy: Well that's probably because his size didn't matter to you, Rose.
Blanche: When you really love someone, you see them for who they are on the inside.
Edgar: Well actually girls, Rose is right, I am a lot taller, I just appeared in the dream this way to make a point.
Rose: You always did know the right thing to do, Daddy. Do you think I'm doing the right thing marrying Jonathan?
Edgar: Rose, all you can do is follow your heart. No one can predict what the future holds.
Rose: Not necessarily true, Daddy Lindstrom! For you see Rose, one of your wedding guests is none other than famed psychic Jeane Dixon!

Rose: Hello, Mr. President. Can I ask you something?
George: Well, sure.
Rose: Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum as I think it is?
George: Well, I don't know. There hasn't been a Hoover in the White House in 60 years.

Rose: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
Dorothy: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
Sophia: [off screen] Mind your own business!
Rose: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
[She nods sagely]
Rose: I think this is Sophia.

Rose: Isn't Blanche going to help?
Sophia: No, she still won't come out of her room.
Rose: Oh, she's never been in her room that long.
Dorothy: Except for that time with the lifeguard. No, she must really be depressed.
Rose: She'll cheer up when the minks come.
Sophia: If they come from Neiman Marcus.

Rose: [after a date with a very frugal Miles] It's Miles. Lately he's gotten... I dunno... really tight, and I hate it.
Blanche: Oh? Well I'm just the opposite. I love a tight man! Tight men cast-iron pecs, thighs that could choke a bear, butts you could eat breakfast off of, then the two of us would...
[sees Rose]
Blanche: Rose! When did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man! Tight men with cast-iron pecs, thighs...
Rose: No! Tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Oh, tight with money? Dump him.

Rose: Don't worry, Dorothy. I was trained in psychology back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: That doesn't count, Rose! In St. Olaf, they think that Freud is a way to cook chicken!

Agent: [a Secret Service agent is checking the Girls' household before the presidential visit] I only have one more question to ask. What organizations do you belong to? We have to make sure none of them could be considered a threat to the president.
Dorothy: Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.
Rose: And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St Olaf. Well, actually I'm an honorary member. My name's not Otto.
[to be read aloud; this line is a spoken pun, which doesn't really work in writing]
Agent: I don't think that group could be considered subversive.
Rose: Subversive?
Agent: You know, as in, 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence.'
Rose: [after thinking it over] Violence.
Dorothy: [annoyed by her stupidity] Rose!

Rose: Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
Sophia: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

Blanche: [Pepe's in the ring, waiting for the bell] Pepe, we need to talk to you for a second.
Pepe: Can it wait until after the fight, Blanche? Right now I have a few things on my mind.
Rose: Like that big sucker in the other corner?
Pepe: He's at the top of the list.

Blanche: Are you tellin' me that St Olaf printed its own War Bonds?
Rose: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war: attack cows.
Blanche: Take me now, Lord.
Rose: No-one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly-trained, killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't 'til they were airborne that we realized, a cow can't pull a ripcord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess!

Rose: You know what I do when I get nervous?
Sophia: Yeah, you toss your cookies.
Rose: Besides that, I sing, a lullaby my mother taught me.

Blanche: Your Miles is a pretty exciting guy. I hope you know that.
Rose: Oh I know it now. You don't realise how much you care for a man until you see him streaking toward the earth trying to grab a bird.
Dorothy: He must really love you.
Rose: I love him too. Boy, am I glad I didn't jump!

Dorothy: [trying to lift the toilet up with Rose's help] Oh! Ooh! Wait, wait! No. Honey, she won't budge. Oh, Rose, I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy: Fine. Get me twenty-thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Patrick: Ladies, I'm afraid I don't have the time now. I'm doing another project in town, and I have to meet with the director to discuss the nuances of the character I'll be portraying.
Rose: Oh, I think I read about that. Aren't you playing a tangerine in a television commercial?
Patrick: Yes.
Blanche: Ooh, how exciting! Have you ever been a fruit before?
Patrick: No, but having been in the musical theater for thirty years, I've had my share of offers.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose: That you wore too much make-up and were a slut. But I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

Rose: Don't worry, Dorothy, maybe Jimmy'll come around.
Dorothy: Oh, I wish I could believe you, but Rose, I have been there. I mean, after awhile you feel like you're just in this gigantic black hole.
Rose: We had a gigantic black hole back in St Olaf.
Sophia: Oh, God!
Rose: On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse, where Charlie and I got our marriage license, and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it...
Dorothy: [mocking] And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capitol of the world.
Rose: Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit, and time it! Then there was always that wise guy, who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself...

Rose: They've cut off Charlie's pension.
Sophia: He's dead, how much does he need?

[Blanche asks the rest of the girls if there was ever a time when a man didn't sleep with them]
Rose: I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
Blanche: Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
Rose: OK. I will.
Dorothy: Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
Rose: The time I was radioactive.

Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

Rose: I fell discouraged.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
[laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

Sophia: It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?
Sophia: No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from.
Rose: Sophia, why're you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Forgive me Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Sophia: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite: What is she talking about?
Sophia: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Blanche: I haven't told you my wonderful news: my mother-in-law died.
Rose: Oh, I'm sorry.
Blanche: Well, I'm not. I loathed Mama Devereaux, and the feeling was entirely mutual. 'Til the day George died, she always introduced me as his 'first wife'. I just hope the old witch went slowly.
Jamie: [later her brother-in-law Jamie arrives to settle Blanche's part of the estate] Fortunately the business with the Will shouldn't take long.
Blanche: I shouldn't think so. I'd hardly expect Mama Devereaux to leave me the family silver.
Jamie: Well, as her executor I had to go over her Will with her, the list of beneficiaries. Well, she was pretty far gone by then, but when we got to your name, she kept repeatin' in this weak, little voice, "I want her to have it. I want her to have it."
Blanche: Well, I am surprised.
Jamie: She was talkin' about her disease.

Rose: This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"
Rose: Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.
Dorothy: Oh... that's okay.
Rose: [pauses for a moment to rethink her approach] Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
Dorothy: ROSE!

Rose: I was the butt of all kinds of jokes growing up. Actually, it ran in the family. In our breakfast room, we had one whole wall covered with "Kick Me" signs we had collected. Ahhh, there was a story attached to each one of them. And in some cases, the original Scotch tape.

Rose: You're not going to believe this, I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.

Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: No, Blanche is depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia can only stare in silence at their eccentric companion]

Rose: How was the sex?
Dorothy: So good we named it!

Rose: How is that coffee?
Gloria: Terrific!
Rose: [under her breath] Actor.

Rose: Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl, one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia: [cuts off Rose] Excuse me, Rose. Have I given you any indication at all that I care?

Blanche: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
Rose: No!
Blanche: Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!
Sophia: Get it in writing.

Rose: [as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!
Dorothy: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear white?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was in escrow!

Dorothy: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche: Sinatra?
Sophia: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia: Tina Sinatra!

[This morning at home. Entering the door of the kitchen, Rose is heading to the refrigerator to get thirsty of orange juice. But Dorothy was here first that she got the last orange juice in the pitcher]
Rose: Do we have any orange juice left?
[Dorothy pour the last orange juice left in the pitcher in her glass]
Dorothy: No, we're all out.
[Drat. Rose closed the fridge. And she was upset. Blanche has arrived]
Blanche: All right, I want an answer, and I want it now. Which one of you has been dipping into my Vicks VapoRub?
Rose: I took it. And my chest was already completely coated. I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cup off my NyQuil.
Dorothy: Rose, I took your stupid cup. But you know why? Because I feel lousy, and being mean to you makes me feel better.
Rose: Dorothy Zbornak, you can go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks.
Dorothy: 'Double hockey sticks'?
Blanche: Oh, what language. My ears are burning. Rose Nylund, you know what you are? You are an A-1, first-class, all-around nerd.
[That's an ill-manner the way that Blanche talk to Rose that way]
Blanche: Oh, honey, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Oh. It's just that this flu is making me crazy.
Dorothy: Oh, it's gotten to all of us. Do you know that we have been at each other's throat for 2 days?
Rose: I've been the worst. I hope you two can forgive me.
Blanche: Oh, girls, let's make a pact. Let's promise we're gonna help each other get through this mess.
Rose: Would I be too big a nerd if I asked for a group hug?
Blanche: Oh!
Dorothy: Oh, honey, of course not.
[the Three Golden Girls gather at each other a group hug]

Dorothy: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Dorothy: [Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Sophia: Every generation adds something to the sauce thereby improving it. For instance, it was my great grandmother who added heat.
Rose: What did you add, Sophia?
Sophia: A mouthful of wine.
[Dorothy and Rose look at her]
Sophia: It was an accident! A *delicious* accident!

Blanche: Rose, I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal!
Rose: Believe what you want! See if I care! Hypersexual bitch.

Blanche: Hey, I think we'd get along great. I got a feeling you're a wild woman.
Rose: Oh, you bet I am! I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog.

Blanche: What do you want to be, buried or cremated?
Rose: Neither.
Blanche: What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

Rose: [about "Over There"] My mother said nobody could be afraid when they hear that song, except for the Kaiser.

Blanche: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."

Rose: You can't write me off just because I'm not 30-something. I AM the battered consumer, I drive a Gremlin for God's sake.

Blanche: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

Blanche: You know what I always hate doing after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Blanche: [offended] Cleanin' up the dirty dishes! You twit.

Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
Dorothy: [mortified] Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'
Carl: Is that one signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes, it is.
Carl: I know Doug. He's a sick, sick man.
Dorothy: [as she is hustling Toto out the door] I'm very sorry for this mix-up. Good-bye!

Rose: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.

Blanche: [entering the room, feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness, we have company. I'm just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
Sophia: Don't worry, Blanche, the dress covers most of it.
Rose: Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And Blanche, this is...
Blanche: Why, you don't have to tell *me*. "From the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11 O'Clock News, this is Jerry Kennedy."
Jerry: Well, I'm flattered.
Sophia: From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl...
[Dorothy quickly covers Sophia's mouth]

Rose: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy: I guess we have to ask.
Sophia: No we don't.
Dorothy: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy: Fine.
Sophia: Good.
Rose: But it had to do with barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balance.
Dorothy: Got it.
Sophia: Clear as a bell.

Rose: [looking through the refrigerator] Oh, you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Judge Crater.
Rose: Cheesecake!

Rose: When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.
Dorothy: No, that's for nausea.
Rose: When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?
Dorothy: Worked better than mace.

Blanche: [after the statue has been unveiled] Oh! My God, I look gorgeous!
Dorothy: You? Blanche, that's me!
Rose: The hell it is!
Blanche: Girls, be serious. Look at those eyes.
Rose: Look at the nose.
Sophia: Look at the butt.
Blanche: Sophia, you can't see the butt.
Sophia: Then it sure can't be you.

Blanche: [a young man comes to the door asking for Blanche's husband] My husband passed away a few years ago.
David: Oh, I see.
Blanche: What did you want George for?
David: I'm sellin' encyclopedias, and his name was at the top of my list of leads. I hope I haven't bothered you, and I'm truly sorry about your husband.
[he leaves]
Dorothy: Oh, now that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose: And you know what else is so strange about it. He didn't bring them in.
Blanche: Rose, no encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door to door.
Rose: Are you kidding? In St Olaf, they carry 52.
Blanche: Why?
Rose: Balance!
Dorothy: Rose, why don't they just carry thirteen in each hand?
Rose: [pauses to think it over] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Rose: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid.
[she is overcome with emotion]
Rose: Excuse me.
[she leaves the room]
Dorothy: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
[Sophia and Blanche indicate 'No' shaking their heads without a word]

Rose: [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital] Name?
Sophia: Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Rose: We were telling Best Sex Ever stories, Sophia.
Dorothy: Yeah, but now we're tired of telling them, so why don't we go to bed, huh?
Sophia: No, wait. It's a good thing I'm up, because it so happens that I have a story for you, the sex story to end all sex stories. Sicily, 1922. I stop by a little trattoria. No, wait. I'm thinkin' of the best meal I ever had.

Rose: [Brings in soup that she made for her late husband] Here we are, Sophia. Homemade Chicken Soup. I used to make it for my husband when he wasn't feeling well.
Sophia: Did you make it for him the last time he wasn't feeling well?
[Rose nodded]

Rose: I have to tell you what happened. I died! I died and went to Heaven!
Dorothy: Rose, honey, you didn't die. You passed out. You hallucinated. Remember that New Year's Eve when you had the three margaritas? Hmm? You thought you were an animated broom in Fantasia?
Rose: Look, I know it sounds crazy. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody but my two closest friends. But it's true! It really is! I died and went to Heaven. Well, it wasn't actually Heaven Proper, it was somewhere on the outskirts.
Blanche: You died and went to a suburb of Heaven?

Brother: I was cloistered in a small monastery in St Olaf, Minnesota.
Rose: Where every Spring the ducks return?
Brother: If we remember to throw out the corn, yeah... You know it?
Rose: I know it very well. I was born and raised in St Olaf.
Brother: Well, this is extraordinary. Did you know an Ingrid Kerklavaner?
Rose: You knew Ingrid?
Brother: She must have been about nineteen then. She worked in the kitchen in the monastery. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, thats all she ever did. We were a silent order, so that was very refreshing.
Rose: I suppose it was. Shortly after that Ingrid died in childbirth.
Brother: You know the story?
Rose: Oh, yes. Late one night, a basket was left at the local Orphanage, containing hickory-smoked cheese, spicy beef sticks, a baby, and some kind of crackers that didn't go with anything. Eventually the Lindstroms took the baby... and the beef sticks, 'cause that was the deal.

Rose: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy: "Night", Rose.
Rose: 'Night, Dorothy.
[goes off to bed]

[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche: Yes!
Rose: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
Dorothy: Blanche, are you listening to this?
Blanche: Bits and pieces.

Rose: Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?
Sophia: There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!
Blanche: Why are you insulting me?
Sophia: It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
Blanche: Oh, well I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.
Sophia: Thanks, you human mattress.

Blanche: Oh, well the most wonderful thing happened, they found a donor! And excellent match! She was a retired Mormon school teacher.
Rose: Virginia is so lucky!
Blanche: Oh, I'll say! That kidney was showroom new! Why, the wildest thing that ever passed through there was Ovaltine!

Blanche: [the girls try to console Dorothy who feels responsible for Trudy's death while they were playing tennis] I remember, I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Dorothy: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche: [dripping with righteous indignation] Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
Dorothy: I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry. Go on with the story, just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."
Blanche: Fine. Anyway, I was eight years old when I first met Kathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just a thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stake of Johnnycakes as high as elephant's knee...
Dorothy: [interrupting] On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta. FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!
Blanche: Anyway, it was at our Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Kathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Kathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again.
Rose: Why?
Blanche: Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Kathy Lee, standing there while our servants snickered at her servants. But mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new riding boots for Christmas. So I did.
Dorothy: Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Blanche: Oh, because years later, to get back at me, Kathy Lee slept with my daddy.
[Dorothy and Rose stare at Blanche]
Blanche: That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too. Along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.

Blanche: Well, just tell him you have a lot of work at home.
Rose: I don't want to lie.
Blanche: When you get home, we'll make you clean out the garage.
Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one.

Rose: [referring to Baby, the sick, elderly pig she inherited] He has a mental problem.
Dorothy: [Incredulously] Four grown women decide to live with a pig and he's the one with the mental problem?

Rose: [Discussing her how her husband Charlie died] He was all dressed when the paramedics got there.

Rose: Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Dorothy: Now, listen here, you little Swedish meatball! I... wait. You're actually talking about cupcakes aren't you?
Rose: You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What were you talking about?
Dorothy: Nothing...
Rose: Wait a minute... Have you and Miles been... baking together?
Dorothy: No, of course not. I'd never do that to you.
Rose: Good.
[she picks up a coffee mug]
Rose: Because if I catch Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd...
[she angrily breaks it with her bare hand]

Sophia: When was the last time you had sex?
Rose: A... couple weeks ago.
Sophia: Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.
Rose: I'm... I'm the queen?
Dorothy: You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breast, Rose.

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!

Rose: How do you know if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Rose: If I'm going to wear this, I have to know what it is.
Miles: Well it's a friendship ring, like Abbott might've given to Costello.
Rose: Oh Miles, so we're... a dead comedy team?

Blanche: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose: That's it?
Marguerite: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

Rose: [reading the morning paper] They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.
Dorothy: [assuming it's a joke] Oh, you're kidding. With whom?
Rose: Well, they don't know her name, but look, they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house.
Dorothy: I don't believe th... wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes.
Dorothy: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose: [outraged] That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes!
Dorothy: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen! Rose, Blanche *is* that little floozie!
Rose: You... you mean he...
Sophia: She's at the fifty.
Rose: They...
Sophia: The forty.
Rose: She...
Sophia: The thirty.
Rose: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*!
Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there?

Rose: Mario, can I fix you a snack?
Mario: Sure, I'm starved.
Rose: How about a herring salad sandwich on raisin bread?
Mario: Oh wow, I'm gonna miss my bus!
Rose: Well you've got plenty of time, it's only
[looks at her bare wrist]
Rose: See you later.

Rose: [the lights go out] What's that?
Ben: Oh, bedtime, Rose.
Rose: Does that mean we have to stop talking?
Ben: No, they just like you to stay in your own bed.

Rose: [to Baby, the pig] There you are! You get in the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pink fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.

Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?

Blanche: Hi Rose, what's goin' on?
Rose: Oh I'm just sitting here kicking myself for not taking care of my gallbladder, and for going to that hospital for the operation, and for letting them give me blood without asking first, 'Oh excuse me, are you sure this isn't going to kill me one day'?
Blanche: Now, now, Rose, take it easy.
Rose: Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't *feel* like taking it easy. I might have AIDS, and it scares the hell out of me. And yet every time I open my mouth to talk about it, somebody says 'There, there, Rose, take it easy'.
Blanche: I'm sorry, honey.
Rose: Why me, Blanche? I'm tired of pretending I feel okay so you won't say, 'Take it easy', and I'm tired of you saying 'Take it easy' because you're afraid I'm going to fall apart. Dammit, why is this happening to me? I mean, this isn't supposed to happen to people like me. You must've gone to bed with *hundreds* of men. All I had was one innocent operation.
Blanche: [insulted] Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying this should be me and not you?
Rose: No! No, I'm just saying that I am a good person. Hell, I'm a goody-two-shoes!
Blanche: AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose, it is not God punishin' people for their sins!
Rose: [quietly] You're right, Blanche.
Blanche: Well you're damn straight I'm right!
Blanche: [pause] I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Rose: Oh, don't apologize, I mean this is what I want. Oh, God, this waiting is driving me crazy! Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?
Blanche: Just kept it to myself, and acted like a real bitch to everybody else.
Rose: No wonder we never knew!

Mr. Escobar: ¡Buenos días, señoritas!
Rose: ¡Buenos días! ¿Cómo está? ¡Queremos todo tu dinero!
Mr. Escobar: [raising hands up] Please! Don't hurt me, just take my money!
Rose: I'm sorry, I think got my verbs mixed up!

Blanche: [describing her temptations after her husband George died] There was a man. He asked me to sleep with him. I said, *No*. But I knew something greater than my will-power was necessary for me to resist him, so I called my sister.
Rose: Did she help talk you through it?
Blanche: Oh, better than that. She drove straight over, she took him by the throat, she said if he ever tried that again she would shoot him through the head.
Dorothy: Just because he made a pass at you?
Blanche: Oh, did I forget to mention that the man was my sister's husband?

Blanche: Woe is me, woe, oh, woe is me.
Dorothy: Problem, Blanche?
Blanche: Yes. It's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...
[she pauses to think]
Dorothy: Its age?
Blanche: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.
[Rose looks up from her work at the kitchen table with a "why me?, what did I do?" look]
Blanche: I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami, Robaire. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?
Rose: I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr Ingrid of St Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses.

Rose: ...I was always kind of the Gypsy of the family - the rebel! I wanted to see the world - that's why, after High School, I went to St. Gustaf University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin?
Rose: First in my class!
[smugly]
Rose: Ororthy Day!