50 Best Newhart Quotes

Joanna: You have a way with gibberish, you know that?

First: [the Darryl brothers had not said a word throughout the entire series] QUIET!
Dick: Your- your brothers can speak? Why didn't they say anything up 'till now?
Larry: I guess they've never been this P.O.'ed before.

Stephanie: I know it's only a matter of time before you drop me. I'd lose respect for you if you didn't.

Stephanie: There's nothing sadder than a perky blonde on the skids.

Professor: Alright, Joanna. Now, you'll relax once I anoint you with these bat livers.

'Smitty': What you need is a chick. A mother hen for the girls and someone finger lickin' good for you.

Dick: And I, I understand you're a senior in high school?
Corey: Yes, sir.
Dick: And, and what are your plans after graduation?
Corey: A bunch of my friends and me are going to go to the beach for a week!

Michael: What is this?
Stephanie: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
[begins to sob]
Michael: You made these by yourself?
Stephanie: [Sobbing] I tried but Joanna had to help.

George: [Upon entering Dick's office, immediately before Kirk's wedding] No word from the governor, so I guess it's a go.

Blake: If you're from Switzerland, where's your accent?
Kirk: I lost it in a bad fall.

[Holding back tears]
Stephanie: I found out I like bowling.
[She starts crying]

Professor: Hello?
Joanna: Hello, everyone. I'm Joanna Loudon and this is my husband Dick.
Professor: I'm Professor Edward Bellows. And this is Nancy, Amy, Reese and Kendra.
Joanna: Well, nice to meet all of you. Please, everyone, help yourselves to refreshments.
Professor: Oh, thank you.
Dick: It may just be a hunch, but I think by the end of the evening, you and Kendra...
[signals with his hands that they'll be friends as he walks into his office]
Professor: Your husband won't be joining us?
Joanna: Well, he has friends. I mean, he's got work to do.
Professor: Well, shall we get started? Amy, why don't you bring us up to date on our last meeting?
Amy: The meeting convened at 8 PM. The first order of business was to choose a date for our annual society dance, November 3rd. Is that alright with you, Joanna?
Joanna: Fine.
Amy: At 8:15, Reese read the treasurer's report, but then he thought he heard his wife calling him. So he went into the woods, turned into a raven and flew home.
Joanna: You turned into a raven?
Reese: It's the easiest one.
Professor: Thank you, Amy. And now I suppose the next order of business today should be to welcome Joanna Loudon
[applause]
Professor: and to initiate her into our little circle.
Joanna: [as they put a black veil on her] What's going on?
Amy: It's just our initiation ceremony, Joanna. I mean, if you want to be a witch, you have to marry the devil, right?
Joanna: What? Agh!
Professor: What's the matter? You don't like weddings?
Joanna: Who are you people?
Professor: The Elm Street Society.
Joanna: I mean, what are you?
Professor: Oh, a satanic cult. Everybody knows that.
Joanna: I didn't.
Professor: Really? Amy, I told you that newspaper ad wasn't clear.
Amy: Don't blame me. I laid all three versions of that ad on a bed of nightshade, and the sacred toad hopped right onto that one.
Professor: Oh, well then, Joanna must have misread it. Alright, Joanna. Now you'll relax once I anoint you with these bat livers.
Joanna: Dick!
Dick: [coming out of his office] What's going on?
Joanna: These people are witches.
Professor: Gee, Joanna. You say that like it's a dirty word.
Joanna: Out. Everybody, out. You too, out.
Professor: Joanna, give us a chance. You know, we're not so different than other people. We even have a credit union.
Joanna: Out!

George: Rest safely. Your pillow can become your death mask.

Michael: Steph, did you ever want the Professor and Mary Ann to get together?
Stephanie: Aren't they other people?

[Joanne clearing dishes at tables in Kirk's diner for inmates in transit to prison]
Prisoner: That was a delicious meal, ma'am.
Joanna: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
Prisoner: If my mother could have cooked like you, I never would have killed her.
[Joanne slowly backs away from the table]

Stephanie: Who would have a baby if they thought about what it was going to look like when it was ninety?

Dick: Ick.
Joanna: And what would you say if you weren't a college graduate?

Jerry: Dick, research shows that 90% of all research is wrong.

Larry: Where ya from, little lady?
Stephanie: [still half-thinking that she must have wandered very far from home and ended up at the Three Bears' woods-cabin] Rhode Island.
Stephanie: [seeing Larry and the two Darryls glance at each other in a dumbly puzzled manner, causing her to come back to her senses] Oh --- you mean **locally**.

Larry: Well, I hate to imprison a noble sentiment in mere words, but... bye.

Larry: Are you hungry?
Stephanie: I'm starved!
Larry: What part of the squirrel do you like best?

Larry: Hi, I'm your host Larry. This is my sidekick Darrel and this is my bandleader Darrel.

George: Say, Joanna, this really looks good. Did I ever tell you that one of my favorite meals is pork chops?
Joanna: Yes, you did, George, and that's why I made them.
George: Aww. My mother used to make the best pork chops. She bought 'em at this little store in town. It's not there anymore.
Joanna: Well, these came from John Mason down the road. You know, he finally slaughtered that big pig of his, so these oughta to be really fresh.
George: [aghast] They slaughtered Phil?
Dick: You um, you knew the pig?
George: I've known Phil for years. I used to feed him kernels of corn every time I went by there.
Dick: Well, dig in.
George: I can't eat this.
Dick: What - what are you talking about?
George: Phil was like a friend. I don't feel right eating him.
Dick: George, the only reason that pigs exist is for people to eat them.
George: Well, I'm not eating this one.
Joanna: And now that you're talking about it, I don't think I can either.
Dick: Now I can't eat 'em.

Blanche: It's better than a confession. It's the truth!

[last lines]
Robert: You should really wear more sweaters.

Susan: Who do you think the Professor liked best? Mary Ann or Ginger?
Michael: Well, Ginger had all those great gowns. But I used to love when Mary Ann would get on that bike and make electricity.

Larry: Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl, and this is our buddy Sam.

Dick: 10 below is colder than you might think.
George: How far did you get?
Dick: How far is the end of the driveway?
George: Oh about 80 feet.
Dick: Okay, so about 40 feet.
Dick: If we stick to it, soon we'll be able to get the mail.

Stephanie: You know, sometimes I think the whole world is against me.
Dick: You're right, Stephanie. You know, every Thursday myself and four-and-a-half billion other people get together and try to figure out how to make life miserable for you.
Stephanie: Well tell them for me they're doing a great job.

Stephanie: Wait, there's something wrong with these pictures, I can't put my finger on it...
Dick: You're not in them?
Stephanie: That's it!

Dr. Robert Hartley: [final lines, Dick has woken up as Bob from "The Bob Newhart Show"] Well, I was an innkeeper in this crazy town in Vermont.
Emily: I'm happy for you. Goodnight.
Dr. Robert Hartley: Nothing made sense in this place. I mean, the maid was an heiress, her husband talked in alliteration, the handyman kept missing the point of things. And there were these three woodsmen. But only one of them talked.
Emily: That settles it. No more Japanese food before you go to bed.
[turns her light off]
Dr. Robert Hartley: And I was married to this beautiful blonde...
Emily: Go back to sleep, Bob.
Dr. Robert Hartley: Goodnight, Emily.
[turns his light off]
Emily: [turning her light back on and sitting up] Beautiful blonde?
Dr. Robert Hartley: Go to sleep, Emily. You - you should wear more sweaters.

Larry: May I say, you're lookin' as appetizing as a truck struck weasel.

Larry: [Repeated line] I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl.

'Smitty': So what you're saying is the grim reaper is coming for you at 7 o'clock?
[Stephanie as Jody overhears this and reacts in shock]
Dick: [as Henry Bumpter] Or to put it another way, I'm going to see Harriet tonight.

Stephanie: Michael, you've walked out on me twice. I think you owe me an apology and a precious stone.

Dick: [as Henry Bumpter] Alright, I'll do it.
[Stephanie as Jody Bumpter enters the room]
Dick: Tonight I'm going to dye...
[Stephanie as Jody Bumpter gasps in shock and leaves the room]
Dick: ... my hair

First: Quiet!

Kirk: You think this Christmas is bad? Picture growing up in an orphanage in Nova Scotia.
Silverbird: You grew up in an orphanage in Nova Scotia?
Kirk: I didn't say that. I said picture it.

Robert: [Dick wakes up as Bob from 1970s The Bob Newhart Show] Well, I was an innkeeper in this crazy little town in Vermont. Nothing made sense in this place. I mean, the maid was an heiress. Her husband talked in alliteration. The handyman kept missing the point of things. And then there were these three woodsmen, but only one of them talked.
Emily: That settles it, no more Japanese food before you go to bed.
[turns light off]
Robert: And I was married to this beautiful blonde.
Emily: Go back to sleep.
[turns light back on, jealous]
Emily: What do you mean, beautiful blonde?

Larry: I think the head of each household should say a prayer of thanks. Lord, before we chow down, thank you for the many critters in our pot and all our nice although offbeat friends. Take it Art.
Arthur: We thank you for keeping our family together and not letting congress got too nuts on tax reform.
Dick: We thank you for the abundance in our lives and for the food we are about to eat, please protect us.

Larry: Hi. I'm Larry, this is my brother Darrel, and this is my other brother Darrel. We was wondering do you think Darrel here needs a trim?

Chester: Keeping things from happening can take over your life.

Dick: Sometimes you have to fight milk... with milk.

Charles: [after George hides Charles from Larry, Darryl, and Darryl] Thank you so much for concealing me, George. Master Darryl was getting to be too much for one manservant to endure.
George: I know you'd do the same for me if I ever ran away from Dick and Joanna.
Charles: I don't think the Loudons would ever chase you through the forest naked while hurling squirrel pellets at your bum.
George: No, but I'm supposed to watch "Vermont Today," and that's just as painful.

Stephanie: If I can't drive around in a convertible with the wind blowing in my hair, what's the point of having a head?

Michael: How can you mend a broken heart?
Mr. Rusnak: Not even the Bee Gees could figure that one out.

Dick: [Stephanie, Michael, Joanna and George try to get Dick to join in a group hug] I'd rather die...
[Dick smiles]
Dick: ... my hair!
[Everyone laughs]

'Smitty': Smittyism no. 6: You want chicks you can't chicken out.

Dick: [During Founders' Day, Dick has been placed in the stocks] My nose itches.
[calling out]
Dick: Anybody! Stratch my nose! Anybody! OK, 5 bucks! Anybody, scratch my nose for 5 bucks!
Larry: Okay.
[Hands Dick $5 and scratches his nose]
Dick: Okay, anybody else, scratch my nose for 5 bucks!

Michael: Oh, Steph. I don't want 'kind'. I don't want 'nice'. I want you.