50 Best Helen Chapel Quotes

Joe: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe: What?
Luggage: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover!
[Throws briefcase through office door]
Joe: You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life.
[Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall]
Joe: I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know.
[Points at map]
Joe: This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here.
[Throws map]
Brian: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?

Helen: Look, I just don't want this to be convenient. I am not a minimart. I want you to ask me out because you find me alluring, desirable, intriguing, provocative.
[Helen smiles dreamily]
Helen: I wanna know that late at night, when you lie in bed drifting in that netherworld between consciousness and sleep, I dance through your dreams.
Joe: I think that was implied.
Helen: No. That wasn't. I wanna hear you say it. A woman has to hear these things.
Joe: Well, you know, what you said.
Helen: No. You have to say it, Joe. Just say it.
Joe: All right. You're alluring and desirable,
[Helen laughs lightly]
Joe: and... something else and when I'm asleep, you dance through the Netherlands.
Helen: [Long pause. Helen looks at him disappointed] Close enough. What time you picking me up?

Helen: You told me you loved me.
Joe: Yeah, you're damn right I did! And as I recall, you responded by getting on a plane and leaving town. Now how do you think that made me feel?
Helen: No, I told you I loved you too!
Joe: Gee, maybe I forgot that in the TEN MONTHS that I didn't hear from you!

Helen: I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen: That was it.

Joe: And then there were two.
Helen: You must be talking about you and this veal, 'cause I am outta here.
Joe: Wait wait, but we have some talking to do.
Helen: About what?
Joe: What? About what just happened here. That was incredible! That was pure passion. You can't deny that.
Helen: Oh Joe, just because you act crazy for a minute doesn't mean you check into an asylum. We had something once, and it took me a long time to get over it. But I'm in a really good place now. I'm independent, and I really like my life. And I really can't get back into this. So, no offense... but then there was one.
[Helen leaves]

Antonio: Is this Ice Tray the one who was in "Boyz n the Hood"?
Helen: Oh no, that's Ice Cube.
Antonio: Then who sang the song about the ninja turtle?
Brian: That was Vanilla Ice.
Antonio: Wait, isn't Ice Cube the basketball player?
Helen: No no, that's Ice-T.
Brian: No, that's The Iceman.
Antonio: I wonder if Ice-T is related to Mr. T.
Lowell: I wonder if Mr. T is related to Mr. Coffee.
Roy: I wonder if your mother's related to your father.

Antonio: [after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand] What's with the Dolly?
Joe: The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio: So there's nothing physically wrong with you
[then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone]
Antonio: You're just a nut case.
Joe: [In an angry provoked tone] Look I'm not...
Helen: Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
[after a two second pause]
Helen: Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!

Helen: God, this is exhausting.
Joe: I know. We didn't work this hard on OUR relationship.
Helen: I did.
Joe: ...Oh yeah, I did too.

Helen: You have a choice: you can either get your brother out of here or I will kill him and bury him in a shallow grave in the back yard!
Joe: I think I saw a shovel in the garage...

Helen: Joe, I know you don't like Davis. But if you don't take me to New York, I'll kill you while you sleep.
Joe: Well gee, when you put it that way, it makes it so hard for me to say no way in Hell!

Joe: [Helen is leaving for New York. Joe stops her at the gate] I couldn't ask you this yesterday, but I'm asking you now: Please stay.
Helen: I can't. But thank you for asking.
Joe: Helen...
[long pause]
Joe: I love you.
Helen: [She smiles] I love you too.
[She leaves]

Brian: Alright, but when the bloated bodies start piling up like cords of wood on Main Street, don't come crying to me!
Joe: I can live with that. Helen?
Helen: I rarely get into town.

Helen: [to Joe] Let's just try to have a nice evening.
Brian: [to Joe] Yeah, the way we do every year. You'll eat too much, I'll drink too much, we'll lie on the floor, we'll loosen our pants...
Helen: I'll be disgusted...
Brian: Right! It's Christmas!

Brian: That's right, because if he's going to take anybody, my sweet, it's gonna be me and Alex to Connecticut. 'Cause I am his brother after all.
Helen: Oh yeah. The brother who once stole his fiancee.
Brian: Wait a second now. Who's dating the guy who won't invest in his airline?
Helen: Well who's his best friend?
Brian: Well who wrecked his car--never mind.

Antonio: Remember when I told you yesterday that I witnessed a man robbing Hanley's jewelry store?
Helen: Yeah, that was all you talked about the whole day!
Antonio: I'm sorry - I thought we could all use a break from your 'all the good men are either married or gay' speech.

Brian: What if she's disappointed in how I turned out?
Helen: Oh, Brian, of course she'll be disappointed. Well, we all are. But she's your mom. She'll love you anyway.

Helen: So what'd you get? "Miracle on 34th Street"?
Joe: No no, they were all out. Even the David Hartman version.
[Joe shows her the tape he rented]
Helen: "PSYCHO"?
Brian: That's more of a Mother's Day film, isn't it?

Helen: [Helen is leaving Lowell in charge of the restaurant counter as she heads out of work early] You sure you're gonna be okay with everything, Lowell?
Lowell: Aw, yeah. Don't you worry about a thing; you just go off and have a wonderful time. Where are you going, anyway?
Helen: Uh, I would really rather not say.
Lowell: Aw, come on.
Helen: Well, if you must know, I'm going to see my OB/GYN.
Lowell: Fine, be that way. I'm having dinner with my M-o-m-m-y.

Roy: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?

Helen: See, this is our problem, Joe. You care more about this stupid plane than you do about me!
Joe: ME? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe: Yeah? Well at least when I'm in the plane, I get some sense of movement!

Jimmy: I'm guessing you're a Sagittarius...
Helen: And I'm guessing you never graduated high school.

Coach: I was gonna tell you, they're splittin' me open and stickin' in a pacemaker. It's alright as long as nobody- hey, get away from that microwave!
Helen: It's a toaster oven.
Coach: In that case, Toots, toss in a bagel - and don't be stingy with the cream cheese!
[Takes a cigarette out of a pack]
Joe: Coach, you're still smoking?
Coach: Oh, I cut down to two packs a day - that lung I had removed scared the hell out of me!

Helen: Relax, it's just an acting exercise. Don't pucker up like Dudley Do-right, just relax!

Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Antonio: No!

Lowell: That reminds me of a funny story about my uncle: one day he disappeared, and no one could find him; then somebody thought to look in his well, and there he was!
Helen: And he was alright?
Lowell: Nope, deader than a door nail! And he was really wedged in there - it took a tow truck winch to get him out; he came out a foot taller than he went in.

Gail: [Gail walks in on Joe and Helen kissing] Hi, guys.
Helen: [Joe and Helen break apart] Ohhhh.
Joe: Gail...
Helen: Gail.
Joe: This is not what you think.
Gail: No? I think you were kissing Helen.
Joe: Okay maybe it is what you think.
Helen: Gail, I'm so embarrassed.
Joe: Look, there is a really good explanation for what was going on here.
Gail: I'm waiting.
Joe: Oh, you wanna hear it?

Gail: [after trying to avoid talking to each other] Hi, Helen.
Helen: Hi, Gail.
Gail: How are you?
Helen: Fine.
Gail: Why are these moments between us always so uncomfortable?
Helen: I dunno. I guess 'cause I'm Joe's ex, and you're his... why.

Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian: Well, obviously, she doesn't.

Helen: Oh, what's Joe talking about? There's plenty of good movies here. Here's one: "Trading Places".
Brian: Oh hey, perfect. Yeah, comedy, Christmas-themed, just the right amount of nudity.
Helen: Brian, there's no nudity in this film.
Brian: Excuse me, approximately 45 minutes in, Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off.
Helen: Not tonight she doesn't. Oh you know, I wouldn't mind seeing this one again: "Kramer vs. Kramer". You know, it's family, it's loving, it's...
Brian: JoBeth Williams naked in the hallway?
Helen: Is that all you remember from a film? Who's naked?
Brian: Ah, some people go out humming a theme song. I'm more of a nudity savant. C'mon test me, test me.
[Helen holds up "Working Girl"]
Brian: Ah, that is... Melanie Griffith vacuuming topless 73 minutes in.
[Helen holds up "About Last Night"]
Brian: Okay, Demi Moore, kitchen scene, backlit by the refrigerator light.
[Helen holds up "Deliverance"]
Brian: Ned Beatty scrambling up the hillside... Wow, talk about a mood breaker.

Brian: You know Helen, I was wondering. When we were younger, before I was a pilot, before you made that silly rule, why is it you and I never dated one another?
Helen: Well for one, you were obnoxious.
Brian: Oh yeah. And you were, well... huge.
Helen: That's true. But I'VE gotten thinner.

Helen: [Joe and Helen have just kissed. They break in surprise] What the hell was that?
Joe: I dunno. One minute we're spanking each other with meat, and the next it got weird.

Helen: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
Joe: Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!

Helen: [Joe and Helen are making out] We're moving really fast, and we need to stop and figure out what this means before we... you know...
Joe: ...Let 'er rip?
Helen: Well I don't think that's quite the way Byron would have put it.

[describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen: ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian: Where was your hand?
Joe: Hello!

Roy: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.

Giacomo: [Makes a very enthusiastic comment in Italian about Helen's ass; Antonio pushes him away]
Helen: What did he say?
Antonio: He say you're nice.

Brian: You know something? I can't - I can't do this.
Shannon: Why?
Brian: No listen, it took me a long time to figure this out Shannon, but I finally did figure it out: You've used me, and this is the last time I'm gonna let you do this.
Shannon: USED you? I don't use you Brian, I NEED you.
Brian: Oh really, what am I on this planet solely to make you feel better, is that it?
Shannon: If you're not there for me Brian, what am I gonna do?
Brian: Well you got that ticket. Use it.
Shannon: Fine. Goodbye Brian.
[Shannon leaves]
Helen: YES! You did it! Don't you feel great?
Brian: [Weeping] No!
[Composed again]
Brian: No I do, I do!

Helen: Well I haven't had a date in six months; and that was with a total moron.
Joe: Joe starts counting on his fingers.
Helen: Oh Joe, stop counting, it wasn't you. When I dated you, I was the moron.

Helen: [to Brian] Shannon Moss does not have a fear of commitment. Shannon Moss does not even like you. Shannon Moss likes YOU liking HER. Think about it. She broke up with her boyfriend, she's feeling really low, so she comes here knowing you're gonna fall all over her and give her some big ego boost. And once she's got it, she just tosses you aside knowing full well you're gonna be ready for her when she comes back.

Brian: My my, our little girl dating already. They grow up so fast. Seems like only yesterday I was pelting her with snowballs.
Helen: It WAS yesterday. Which reminds me, I saved one for you.
Brian: [Helen smashes a snowball into Brian's face. The gang laughs] You know, that sort of thing is funny until someone loses an eye.

Helen: Nothing, she's not eating!
Lowell: [Sotto voce] What a great hostess!
[to Stella]
Lowell: Come around to the back door, I'll fix you a little plate.

Helen: All right, all right, all right. I've got an announcement to make, and I'm only gonna say this once. New York... sucked. It was terrible, my life was terrible, my job was terrible, I lived in a terrible rat-infested apartment building. It was the absolute low point of my existence, and I don't want to ever ever ever EVER talk about that city again. Okay? Any questions?
Lowell: ...Did you see any good shows?
Helen: The only show I saw was a man peeing on 42nd Street.
Lowell: Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?
Fay: No, but if anyone could put it to music, he could.

Helen: Oh come on. Lowell and Bunny were so loud they kept you up all night?
Brian: Morning too. I was halfway down the block, I could swear I heard them yodeling.
Helen: Now that doesn't mean anything. My parents used to yodel all the time, and they certainly weren't...
[realizes]
Helen: Oh my God!

Helen: Brian, maybe you should -
Jimmy: Yeah, Brian, maybe you should.

Lowell: Well I'm with Helen. Sometimes a person just has annoying habits you can't overlook. Now Bunny had one. She used to drum her fingers on the table when she would read the morning paper. That drove me crazy. That's what broke up our marriage.
Helen: Lowell, I thought it was because Bunny slept with other men.
Lowell: Oh right. Well make that TWO annoying habits.

Helen: David called. He's free after all. I'm going to New York to see him. Hey Roy, get me on your last flight to LaGuardia.
Roy: No can do. It's booked.
Helen: Well, then I'll ride up front with the pilot.
Roy: I already sold that seat.
Helen: Fine! I'll ride down below in a pet carrier.
Roy: Believe me, I would love to oblige. But the FAA said I can't do that anymore.

Alex: I'd rather be alone than with that loser we met tonight.
Helen: What was that on his head? A toupee or a piece of sod?
Alex: I want that guy's mirror, you know? The one that talks back to him and says, "Hey! Looking good!"

Helen: It was hard enough leaving. I knew that if I heard your voice, that I would just come running back.
Joe: Well, I didn't know that. As far as I was concerned, our relationship ended right out there on that runway!
[He pulls the blinds open, revealing the gang listening in on their conversation]
Joe: Don't you people have lives?

Joe: [after finding a teddy bear hanging by a noose over his desk] What did I tell you? Sandy is crazy! Maybe you'll believe me now!
Helen: Yeah, Joe's right. This is pretty weird.
Brian: Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? This could be a suicide. Check the bear for signs of a struggle.
Alex: Maybe we should call the police.
Brian: Yeah, because if we stand here and do nothing, then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.
Helen: Brian...
Joe: Yeah, c'mon - this is not funny! We gotta do something!
Alex: Now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next-of-kin.
Helen: How can you two kid around at a time like this?
Joe: Thank you, Helen!
Helen: A bear has died!

Helen: He said I had a chance, Joe. You heard him, didn't you?
Joe: He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it!
Brian: Well Helen if it makes you feel any better, I've always doubted your talent and I still do.