Top 200 Quotes From Wings

Antonio: This Shannon reminds me of a woman I knew from my village, Theresa Vertucci. She treated men like garbage, but they kept coming back for more. They - They would rather die than be without her. She was called "Vedova Nera": The Black Widow.
Fay: Oh, after the spider who kills her mate?
Antonio: No, because she was black and her husband had died. I thought that was so clear.

Antonio: [after his cousin catches the mumps, Antonio is invited to Roy's place] I suppose I could go to my cousin Giacomo's and risk catching a contagious disease.
[Weighing the options]
Antonio: Big swollen glands, Roy's house. Possible sterility... Roy's house.
Roy: C'mon, c'mon.
Antonio: Please, I just need a moment.

Antonio: [after Joe's Anxiety attack, Antonio walks in Joe's office to make sure he's alright. He finds him holding a squeezable doll in his hand] What's with the Dolly?
Joe: The Doctor gave it to me. I'm supposed to squeeze "Mr. Googi" whenever I feel I might pinch over again.
Antonio: So there's nothing physically wrong with you
[then adds in a sarcastic subtle tone]
Antonio: You're just a nut case.
Joe: [In an angry provoked tone] Look I'm not...
Helen: Calm Down honey, no body thinks you're crazy. Just squeeze Mr. Googi & visualize your happy place
[after a two second pause]
Helen: Don't get confused again and squeeze your happy place and visualize Mr. Googi!

Helen: Brian, maybe you should -
Jimmy: Yeah, Brian, maybe you should.

Brian: Come all the way back here, and what do I end up with? Nada, zippo, zero, zilch! With nothing.
Joe: [Beat] You've got Carol.
Brian: Oh, so now we get to it, huh? I thought you said you were over that.
Joe: Over you stealing the love of my life?
Brian: I didn't steal her. She came after me.
Joe: Aw, come off it. Carol doesn't have a deceptive bone in her body. She's kind, and good, and honest. And you stole her from me, and it hurts. It hurts bad. I don't think you could ever know how much.
Brian: [Beat] She left me for another guy.
Joe: She left you too?
Brian: Yeah.
Joe: That pig!

Antonio: Is this Ice Tray the one who was in "Boyz n the Hood"?
Helen: Oh no, that's Ice Cube.
Antonio: Then who sang the song about the ninja turtle?
Brian: That was Vanilla Ice.
Antonio: Wait, isn't Ice Cube the basketball player?
Helen: No no, that's Ice-T.
Brian: No, that's The Iceman.
Antonio: I wonder if Ice-T is related to Mr. T.
Lowell: I wonder if Mr. T is related to Mr. Coffee.
Roy: I wonder if your mother's related to your father.

Antonio: Maybe we could do a, what do you call it, makeover?
Fay: Well in this case, more like a make-do.

[Cliff, sitting in the co-pilot's seat, starts tapping on the covers of the plane's console's indicators]
Brian: Don't do that.
Cliff: Ah, your altimeter is stuck at zero there.
Brian: We're on the ground.

Joe: Brian, I'm gonna take a pass on Cindy.
Brian: No, no, no, no. Joe, Joe, Joe. I'll tell you straight. If you don't go out with Cindy, then her best friend Gail doesn't go out with me. And Gail is... All right, you remember that fantasy I've had since junior high?
Joe: You're kidding!
Brian: I swear.
Joe: You found a six-foot redheaded Oriental girl?
Brian: And she can COOK, Joe! God love her, she can COOK!

Roy: You know Fay you really are quite a handsome woman.
Fay: Just how many martinis did you have at lunch today?
Roy: Three. Why?
Fay: I can always tell when Roy's had lunch at the Elks Club.
Antonio: Perhaps you should just accept Roy's compliment for what it is. After all, you do look particularly appealing this afternoon.
Fay: And where did you eat lunch?
Antonio: I was Roy's guest.

Joe: Helen, I'm sorry.
Helen: You may say that, and you may even believe that. But the reality of the situation is, when I walk out that door, your troubles are over, but mine are just beginning. And that's not fair.

Lowell: Tucker and I are going on a rat shoot tonight. I'd invite you along, but you know what they say about rat shoots: Two's company, three's cross-fire.

Brian: Try throwing a shoe at Roy and NOT hitting him.

Lowell: Hey, Roy, wanna have some fun? Watch this!
[Makes a call on the payphone]
Fay: [Answering Lowell's call] Sandpiper Airline, how may I help you?
Lowell: Have you got Prince Albert in a can?
Fay: Who is this?
Lowell: It's Lowell.
Fay: Oh, hi, Lowell, how are the wife and kids?
Lowell: Fine, thanks - how's 3cold?
Fay: It's much better, thank you for asking.
Lowell: Oh, before I forget - you'd better let him out!
Fay: Let whom out?
Lowell: Prince Albert!
Fay: Oh, that's right, heh heh - you always get me, Lowell.
Lowell: [to Roy] See - it's foolproof!
Roy: [Turning away in disgust] Not in this case!

Joe: [Carol left Brian] That pig!
Brian: Okay, I'll give you that. But she was MY pig.
Joe: Well, at least the other guy wasn't your brother!
Brian: Yeah. Yeah. My brother would never have done that to me.
[Beat]
Brian: Kinda thought if Pop left us some money, she might wanna come back.
[Beat]
Brian: Hey, listen Joe: No matter whose fault it was, if losing Carol made you feel the way I've felt since she's left, then... I'm really really sorry.

Helen: David called. He's free after all. I'm going to New York to see him. Hey Roy, get me on your last flight to LaGuardia.
Roy: No can do. It's booked.
Helen: Well, then I'll ride up front with the pilot.
Roy: I already sold that seat.
Helen: Fine! I'll ride down below in a pet carrier.
Roy: Believe me, I would love to oblige. But the FAA said I can't do that anymore.

Roy: What the hell is that smell?
Brian: Well if it's musky, manly with just a hint of the Old West, it's my cologne. If on the other hand it's the overwhelming stench of onions, garlic, and sausage, I suggest you change your tie.

Lowell: Personally, I haven't had any "female companionship" since Bunny left. Actually, a couple of months BEFORE she left. Come to think of it, how old is my youngest child?

Joe: I need need Brian's stories, I've got my own story, and it's a good one! I started this airline with nothing but $5,000, and I built it up with my own sweat and spit!
Fay: [Looks dismayed] Joe, that's kind of disgusting.

Joe: Look what she's doing to us, Brian. The last time she came between us, we didn't speak for six years. Now I don't want that to happen again. Do you?
Brian: ...No.
Joe: Now one of us has been up front with you. One of us has told you the truth. And only one of us really cares about you.
Brian: [disappointed] Just my luck it's you.

Giacomo: [Makes a very enthusiastic comment in Italian about Helen's ass; Antonio pushes him away]
Helen: What did he say?
Antonio: He say you're nice.

Joe: All right. Okay, it's not an appointment exactly so much as a, uh...
Brian: The D word?
Joe: Yeah, a date. Okay?

Joe: C'mon! Let's get off this rock and go to Boston - a city where people DO something! A city where people drink for social reasons.

Brian: Lowell, why are you sitting here in the dark?
Lowell: [expressionless] It's relaxing.
Brian: Yeah well, Lowell, the idea of you sitting alone in here in the dark makes me nervous.
Lowell: Then you should try sitting in the dark sometime. It's relaxing.

Roy: [to Fay, sourly] Haven't you ever had a bad day?
Fay: Not yet. But I bet you'll be there when I do.

Roy: Oh, God! Dorothy didn't take this long to leave the Land of Oz! Click your heels three times, and get the hell outta here!

Helen: Look, I just don't want this to be convenient. I am not a minimart. I want you to ask me out because you find me alluring, desirable, intriguing, provocative.
[Helen smiles dreamily]
Helen: I wanna know that late at night, when you lie in bed drifting in that netherworld between consciousness and sleep, I dance through your dreams.
Joe: I think that was implied.
Helen: No. That wasn't. I wanna hear you say it. A woman has to hear these things.
Joe: Well, you know, what you said.
Helen: No. You have to say it, Joe. Just say it.
Joe: All right. You're alluring and desirable,
[Helen laughs lightly]
Joe: and... something else and when I'm asleep, you dance through the Netherlands.
Helen: [Long pause. Helen looks at him disappointed] Close enough. What time you picking me up?

Lowell: [singing] I'll be Joan for Christmas...
Roy: Why is it whenever he's around I hear dueling banjos?
Fay: George used to sing that song to me.
Brian: There's words to that song? I thought it was just banjos.

Brian: Did you know it was Helen's birthday?
Lowell: Sure did! It's kind of hard to forget: it falls on the same day Sir John Speke discovered the source of the Nile.

Brian: That key opened up a safe deposit box, which had a key for another bank. Which led to another key to another bank. Which led to two bus stations, a post office, a train depot, and a kennel. And you wanna know what we found?
[Reaches into his pocket]
Brian: Another key. And you wanna know where it goes? I'll tell you where it goes. We don't KNOW where it goes!
[Slams the key on the table]
Brian: THAT'S where it goes.

Brian: How was I supposed to know they'd confiscate our clubs in the lobby and us off to a three hour sales presentation?
Joe: FOUR hour!
Brian: Four hour...
Joe: Made me nostalgic for that time I passed a kidney stone!

Joe: I am not dating her, and I have no plans to.
[to Brian]
Joe: You knew about this, didn't you?
Brian: Yes yes yes, I did know about it. But she's trying to change. Gail asked me to try to find Cindy someone who was nice, dependable, a real gentleman. Excuse me Joe, but I thought of you.

Roy: I'm bored!
Lowell: You know what I do when I'm bored, Roy? I like to ponder some of life's Big Questions: for instance, if you drive down Sesame Street, will you end up in Mister Roger's Neighborhood?
Roy: [Sarcastically] YOU might!

Fay: Brian isn't doing at all well, is he? On the other hand, time heals all wounds.
Lowell: Actually it doesn't. About a year ago I was walking down the beach, and I stepped on a razor-sharp scallop shell. Put a gash between my third and fourth toes about yea big. To this day, if I don't wear cotton socks, that baby opens up just like an artichoke.
Fay: Thank you Lowell, for ruining another one of my favorite foods.

Roy: [Roy watching the weather report on tv] Dwayne were being pounded by a storm named Dwayne ? What ever happened to giving them macho names like Roy!

Brian: Camus was right: life IS absurd!

Helen: [to Brian] Shannon Moss does not have a fear of commitment. Shannon Moss does not even like you. Shannon Moss likes YOU liking HER. Think about it. She broke up with her boyfriend, she's feeling really low, so she comes here knowing you're gonna fall all over her and give her some big ego boost. And once she's got it, she just tosses you aside knowing full well you're gonna be ready for her when she comes back.

Joe: [Helen is leaving for New York. Joe stops her at the gate] I couldn't ask you this yesterday, but I'm asking you now: Please stay.
Helen: I can't. But thank you for asking.
Joe: Helen...
[long pause]
Joe: I love you.
Helen: [She smiles] I love you too.
[She leaves]

Joe: Helen, I don't...
Helen: No. Listen, don't say anything. There's nothing to talk about. It's over, you win.
Joe: Helen, it isn't a contest.
Helen: It isn't? Well, let's check the scoreboard. You have a career, a relationship... all in all a pretty good setup. I have... NO relationship, NO career, no MONEY, no LIFE, and apparently my car smells like a dead sea otter!

Lowell: That reminds me of a funny story about my uncle: one day he disappeared, and no one could find him; then somebody thought to look in his well, and there he was!
Helen: And he was alright?
Lowell: Nope, deader than a door nail! And he was really wedged in there - it took a tow truck winch to get him out; he came out a foot taller than he went in.

Fay: In the interest of global consciousness I took the liberty of replacing all our plastic cups with biodegradable ones.
Joe: Wow, that's great that you're taking an interest in the environment! But don't we still have three or four hundred of the old ones?
Fay: Oh, those... I tossed them.

Joe: I heard from Helen last night.
Brian: You're kidding me. So, just out of the blue, like that?
Joe: I was as surprised as you were! She was, well kinda fishing around about where our relationship stood.
Brian: Oh, wow. So, what'd she say when you told her about Gail, huh?
Joe: She... she, uh...
Brian: You didn't tell her about Gail, did you?
Joe: I was going to, I really was! I had an opening...
Brian: But you just couldn't be honest, could you Joe? I am very surprised at you. That is so... me.

Roy: I've never minded staying up all night because of a woman.
Helen: Well, you don't have a choice. If you dozed off, she'd escape.

Helen: Oh, what's Joe talking about? There's plenty of good movies here. Here's one: "Trading Places".
Brian: Oh hey, perfect. Yeah, comedy, Christmas-themed, just the right amount of nudity.
Helen: Brian, there's no nudity in this film.
Brian: Excuse me, approximately 45 minutes in, Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off.
Helen: Not tonight she doesn't. Oh you know, I wouldn't mind seeing this one again: "Kramer vs. Kramer". You know, it's family, it's loving, it's...
Brian: JoBeth Williams naked in the hallway?
Helen: Is that all you remember from a film? Who's naked?
Brian: Ah, some people go out humming a theme song. I'm more of a nudity savant. C'mon test me, test me.
[Helen holds up "Working Girl"]
Brian: Ah, that is... Melanie Griffith vacuuming topless 73 minutes in.
[Helen holds up "About Last Night"]
Brian: Okay, Demi Moore, kitchen scene, backlit by the refrigerator light.
[Helen holds up "Deliverance"]
Brian: Ned Beatty scrambling up the hillside... Wow, talk about a mood breaker.

Casey: How many of those have you drunk?
Lowell: Let's see, the machine holds 40... 80!

Bunny: Lowell, I love you a lot, but I don't think I'm cut out to be married. I'm just no good at it. I'm a lousy wife. But you have to admit, I'm a great ex-wife.
Lowell: [She reaches to kiss him. He stops her] Wait. I need more than that.
Bunny: I just don't think I can give you that.
Lowell: Then I think we should be separated.
Bunny: But we're already divorced.
Lowell: No, I mean physically separated.

Helen: See, this is our problem, Joe. You care more about this stupid plane than you do about me!
Joe: ME? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe: Yeah? Well at least when I'm in the plane, I get some sense of movement!

Brian: Let's go find some women! You do date, don't you?
Joe: Of course I date. What do think I am, a hermit? I went on a date just last... what month is this?
Brian: April.
Joe: April? Really?

Brian: So how'd it go?
Joe: Not well.
Brian: Ahh. You know Helen. She'll get over it. I mean, she starts out hot, and then eventually she'll just go home, break a little crockery, eat a wheel of cheese. And in the long run, everything will be fine.
Joe: In the long run, yeah. What about the short run?
Brian: Oh, the short run will kill you every time.

Brian: And as if that *weren't* enough, I'm the one who's sittin' here wearing a FREAKIN' CLOWN SUIT!

Brian: Alright, but when the bloated bodies start piling up like cords of wood on Main Street, don't come crying to me!
Joe: I can live with that. Helen?
Helen: I rarely get into town.

[trying to intimidate Fay's mystery admirer]
Joe: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Joe: Brian, I can't tonight. I mean, normally I'd love to, but... I can't because I... I have uh... a... an appointment.
Brian: Oh, an appointment, huh? Like in business?
Joe: Yeah, that's right. Business appointment.
Brian: Mmm.
[Joe rubs his face and chest with cologne]
Brian: Exactly where'd you meet this guy, Joe?

Fay: Roy, you have nothing to worry about; you're a man who carries himself with style and dignity!
Roy: [Enlivened] You're right!
Fay: Now, tuck in your shirt, zip up your fly, and go sweep that woman off her feet!

Brian: Okay, okay, okay. Listen, I know what you guys are thinking, and you can relax. I know I've had a lot of troubles with Shannon in the past. But that is not gonna happen this time, and for two very good reasons. Number one: I'm older and wiser, okay? Number two: She's unavailable. For the last couple of years she's been living with a guy who she's crazy about. And that's good, because I never could have relied on reason number one.

Brian: [Spotting Alex entering the terminal] Hello - Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from Heaven.
Joe: Oh, wow! I'd sell my soul to the devil for her.
Brian: I'd drag myself naked across broken glass just to kiss one of her footprints.
Joe: Well, I would walk across hot coals just to get to that ground glass.
Brian: Yeah? Well, I would doggy-paddle across a pool of hungry pirhanas...
Fay: [Interrupting] Oh, stop it! You two are terrible! I'd take you both over my knee except I'm afraid you'd like it!

Antonio: Roy, you play the part of a producer.
Roy: Oh. A producer, huh?
Antonio: Yes. You are an overbearing, pompous windbag.
Roy: [proudly] Sounds like a great character.
[Exits]
Antonio: [to Fay] That's not his character. I've just been dying to say that to him.

Air: 121 Papa-Papa, go around, go around - you are no longer cleared to land.
Joe: Tower, what's the problem?
Air: Some crazy is on the runway, chasing after a guy with a guitar.

Roy: It's a tax dodge. Everybody does it. For example, ask me how's business.
Antonio: ...How's business?
Roy: Congratulations, you just had your first business lunch. Now you pay for my check, you can write it off your taxes.

Carlton: What do you suppose they do with those little pieces of metal they punch out when they make a flute?

Mark the Waiter: I'm Mark... your waiter... from the Crab House... I served you... craaaaaaabs.

[Norm and Cliff from Boston, are taking a flight to Nantucket to go fishing. Brian is preparing for take-off]
Norm: I can't wait to get out on the water. Do you know how the fishing is over on Nantucket?
Brian: Oh, yeah, I hear they're biting like pitbulls at a mailman convention.
Norm: Hahahaha!
Cliff: [scowling at Brian] That's supposed to be funny?
Brian: I guess not.

Roy: I was so good, I screamed out my own name!

Roy: [Roy and Lowell are sitting at a chessboard. Roy grows impatient] Lowell, are you ever gonna move?
Lowell: Me? I thought it was your turn.
Roy: Do you mean to tell me that we've been sitting here staring at this chessboard for half an hour and you didn't even know it was your turn?
Lowell: It appears so.
Roy: Well, move, you dunderhead.
Lowell: My pleasure, Roy.
[Moves one piece]
Lowell: Checkmate.
Roy: ...Wait a minute.
[Moving the piece back]
Roy: Maybe it was my turn.

Roy: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian: Exactly.
Roy: I can live with that!

Gail: [after trying to avoid talking to each other] Hi, Helen.
Helen: Hi, Gail.
Gail: How are you?
Helen: Fine.
Gail: Why are these moments between us always so uncomfortable?
Helen: I dunno. I guess 'cause I'm Joe's ex, and you're his... why.

Fay: As arrests go, that was disappointing; not like MY arrest.
Brian: Wait, YOU were ARRESTED?
Fay: I'm not proud of it. It was at an anti-war rally in San Francisco in 1966.
Brian: You never said you were a protester!
Fay: I wasn't, I was a shopper: I ran into Abby Hoffman coming out of Gump's and he called a fascist pig, so I decked him.

Brian: [after a suggestion is made to make s'mores] No, I hate s'mores!
Joe: How could you hate s'mores?
Brian: Because that's the stupidest name for a food, like "It's so good, I want s-more," Those are so stupid, they should be called stupids!

Antonio: You know what they say: Life is like a fine wine.
Joe: Yeah, yeah. You get better with age.
Antonio: Only up to a point. Then you turn sour, everything settles to the bottom, and they can't get rid of you fast enough.

Joe: When I went to kiss the bride's mother, she gave me the tongue!
[Seeing Brian's reaction]
Joe: You, too?
Brian: I went in to give her a little peck, and got the hors d'oeuvre I never ordered!
Roy: Oh, you guys, too?
[Seeing Brian's and Joe's reactions of disgust]
Roy: What? She's a handsome woman!

Gail: [to Joe] What you and Helen have is really kinda special. What you and I have is really kinda special. What Helen and I have is really kinda special. What the three of us have is really kinda sick.

Fay: If I was going to kill you, I'd never poison you. I'd just tamper with the fuel gauge on the plane and let you sink like a stone somewhere over Nantuckett Sound.
Brian: Faye!
Fay: I'm only kidding... but I do know how.

Brian: We are now flying over Amish Country - phrases to avoid include "Yo Beardy!" and "Hey Mr. No-Buttons."

Joe: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian: You are sitting on it.
Joe: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.

Lowell: Walking in my Winter underwear.
Brian: Lowell, I'm pretty sure it's Winter Wonderland...
Lowell: That's ridiculous, Brian - Wonderland is a dog track, and I'm pretty sure it's closed for the Winter. For me, its Winter umderwear.

Joe: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe: What?
Luggage: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover!
[Throws briefcase through office door]
Joe: You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life.
[Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall]
Joe: I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know.
[Points at map]
Joe: This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here.
[Throws map]
Brian: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?

Casey: We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.

Roy: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?

Fay: Lowell, give me the dust buster!

Joe: [Brian wants to buy a $15,000 cello for Helen] Fifteen thousand dollars, fifteen *thousand* dollars! What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian: You are sittin' on it.
Joe: I am *not* going in *that* line of work.
Brian: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house. And *don't* flatter yourself.

Brian: Listen, We are throwing a suprise engagement party for Joe and Helen and um your all invited.
Casey: Its at the Harbor House tonight, we'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30
Roy: Well, its a little last minute but its a party and who am I to pass up a big sandwich. How many feet you go for, eight feet?
Lowell: No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!
Brian: Brace yourself guys... um... were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell: Excuse me um almost sounded like you said there'd be no big sandwich.
Fay: Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy: A party with out a big sandwich? it it it it its just not done.
Casey: All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell: How many feet did you get?
Casey: It doesn't come by the foot.
Lowell: Then how do you know when your full?
Casey: I gotta get off this Island
[leaves quickly]

Joe: [holding his bloody nose] Thanks a lot, Brian! This guy came here to break YOUR nose!
Brian: Yeah, I know. You're one lucky fella, boy.
Joe: I'm lucky?
Brian: Yeah. If he knew that I stayed over at Lucy's for breakfast, he'd have killed ya.

Helen: You told me you loved me.
Joe: Yeah, you're damn right I did! And as I recall, you responded by getting on a plane and leaving town. Now how do you think that made me feel?
Helen: No, I told you I loved you too!
Joe: Gee, maybe I forgot that in the TEN MONTHS that I didn't hear from you!

Brian: Every time you come to the island, we fall into a kind of a pattern. Take the other night for example. I had the impression we had a relationship starting.
Shannon: So that's what this is about. I sometimes forget how you get carried away with the slightest little gesture.
Brian: Wait wait, gesture - GESTURE? That gesture damn near knocked me unconscious.

Joe: [Reading from Ted's notes] "Joe Hackett, best pilot I've ever known... Cool in a crisis... Taught me everything I know... Once turned down an offer to sing with the Doodletown Pipers?" They never made me a job offer...
Brian: Yes, but I like to think that if they had, you would have had the good taste to turn them down.

Roy: There must be SOMETHING from our time together that makes you smile!
Sylvia: [Thinks a moment] I remember our first apartment, when the Murphy bed fell on your head and knocked you out cold - I liked THAT a little bit.

Brian: Remember what you guys were saying before about Shannon using me? Well, what she was just doing, is this sort of an example of what you were talking about?
Helen: [to Joe] My god, doctor. The iceman's head's starting to thaw.

Ted: You've got some real whackoes on this island, Hackett!
Joe: Oh, so you've met my brother?
Ted: [Indicates Roy] Is THAT guy your brother?
Joe: No, that's Roy, he doesn't have any siblings - word is he ate them in the nest.

Joe: One minute we were smackin' each other with meat, then it got weird.

Helen: Nothing, she's not eating!
Lowell: [Sotto voce] What a great hostess!
[to Stella]
Lowell: Come around to the back door, I'll fix you a little plate.

Roy: Look Hackett, Cindy's got a certain... reputation. A lot of guys tend to drop by her place on weekends.
Joe: Are you telling me she's a pro?
Roy: Shh, Hackett! Relax. She's no professional. But she's unquestionably the island's ranking amateur.

Roy: Once you've been with Roy Biggins, you don't want another man!
Antonio: Sounds about right.

Fay: [Speaking to Lowell on the walkie-talkie] Take one pound of shrimp, shelled and deveined
Lowell: [Interrupting] Who's Sheldon Devayne? I know most of the people on the island

Joe: You don't see me spending MY life savings on a Ferrari! And you know why?
Brian: Because they don't make them in brown...?

Helen: You have a choice: you can either get your brother out of here or I will kill him and bury him in a shallow grave in the back yard!
Joe: I think I saw a shovel in the garage...

Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Antonio: No!

Lowell: [On walkie-talkie] Red Raider to Raging Stallion; Red Raider to Raging Stallion. Come in, Raging Stallion.
Roy: [Answers on walkie-talkie] Raging Stallion here.
[Sees Fay smirking]
Roy: What?
Fay: [Still smirking] I didn't say anything!
[In an undertone]
Fay: But I certainly could have.

Helen: Well I haven't had a date in six months; and that was with a total moron.
Joe: Joe starts counting on his fingers.
Helen: Oh Joe, stop counting, it wasn't you. When I dated you, I was the moron.

Brian: It's scary to think that we live in a country where anybody can walk up to a counter and purchase meat.

Brian: Enough about me. What'd you do tonight?
Joe: Oh, well, you know that new blonde waitress down at the Club Car?
Brian: With the...
Joe: Yeah, that is the one. Well, when she got off work, she asked me to go back to her place.
Brian: [laughs] What happened?
Joe: I don't know, you woke me up!

Brian: Well, goodbye, old house.
Joe: Yeah, and just think, we never have to see this place again.
[flashback]
Mr. Hackett: Boys, come on down and get some dinner!
Little: Wow, I like this place a lot better than the old apartment!
Mrs. Hackett: You know guys, I think we're going to be happy here for a long time.

Helen: Why didn't you tell me about her, Joe?
Joe: I knew if I did, you never would've left New York.
Helen: Oh. So let me get this straight: You let me make a major life decision without confusing me with the facts.
Joe: I was going to tell you. I was just waiting for the perfect time and place.
Helen: Rush hour in a crowded airport? Excellent choice.

Brian: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.

Lowell: I'm gonna go out and find an apartment for me and Bunny. Yeah I don't know, with other people in the house we feel inhibited.
Brian: THAT was inhibited? When you were finished, *I* smoked a cigarette.

Antonio: [Bursting into Joe's office] Joe, what are you doing?
Joe: [On hold, on the telephone] Right now, I'm listening to the New Christy Minstrels work their way through "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag".

Norm: So, um, what time's the cocktail service start?
Brian: We don't have cocktail service.
Norm: You do now.
[grabs a can of beer out of his pocket and pulls the tab]

Lowell: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.

Helen: Becky, this is Joe Hackett - he's my boyfriend.
Becky: [Giggles] Wow, he's cute!
Helen: I know; and, he can drive!

Helen: I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen: That was it.

Roy: You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?
Antonio: Deflate her?

Brian: I let Kenny take the late flight to Provincetown.
Joe: Are you sure he's ready?
Brian: Oh yeah, he's a great kid. Don't worry about it. And a very accomplished pilot, too. He only lost his poise one time today, and that's when the passengers played Keep Away with his hat.
Joe: Well I hope you stopped it.
Brian: Stopped it? I started it.

Roy: Forget it. I'm not... , I'm not in the mood.
Silvia,: YOU?

Antonio: What are you going so crazy about?
[to Helen, who is cleaning frantically]
Joe: Oh, there's a new state health inspector making the rounds of the island...
Antonio: Why are you worried? You run a very clean place!
Joe: That's what they thought down at the Lobster Bucket, and all they had was a little grease in the air vents, mildew under the counter and one tiny little cockroach in the chowder!
Helen: Hey, Scarpacci, how did your date go last night?
Antonio: Apparently not as well as I thought: we had dinner at the Lobster Bucket.

Lowell: Hey, is that your brother standing over there?
Carlton: Yep, that's Milford, all right. Oh, the years haven't been kind to him, have they?
Antonio: Guess he didn't drink from the Fountain of Youth, like you did.

Lowell: [while giving a tour] If you'll all follow me, we'll have a look at the main terminal. Built in 1970, renovated 3 years ago. It was recently painted by the famous Nantucket painter, Bill the Painter Man.

Antonio: Let's start with the hair. What is this goop you put on it now?
Roy: I don't put anything on it.
Antonio: [Faye and Antonio laugh] No, really.
Roy: Really!
Antonio: Faye, we have much to do.

Cliff: I'm about ready to take off, there. How about you, Sky King?
Brian: Just one more pre-flight adjustment to make.
Cliff: What's that?
Brian: Would you two guys mind switching seats?
Cliff: Ah, I get it. Weight distribution of payload. Right you are.
[Gets up to change seats with Norm, all the while muttering]
Norm: Is this for safety reasons?
Brian: Oh, yeah. If he'd stayed up here, I'd've killed him.

Melissa: When the door to that trailer opened and I looked into her face, I mean, even with the blonde wig and the tattoos, I knew that I had found my birth mother.

Fay: Well, that was pretty insensitive of me to give you those chocolates.
[Holds out dessert tray]
Fay: Cannoli?
[sic]

Helen: OK, it's prom night and I'm Carrie!
Lowell: Actually, Carrie could hosed off, and she'd be OK...

Joe: So, what do you want to do, huh? Hey, how 'bout charades?
Brian: No! No charades. First one to mime something dies.

Helen: I know what I did was wrong, Joe, I'm sorry. Please, just don't yell at me. Don't yell at me...
Joe: [pulls her into a long, deep kiss]
Helen: I guess I deserved that.

Joe: Look, there's no reason to get upset.
Brian: I want to get upset. I LIKE to get upset. Getting upset makes me happy! You ought to try it sometime.

Brian: Hey Fay, how 'bout you, uh, got any plans for tonight?
Fay: Oh my yes, this is the night I thaw out food for the weekend!

Fay: Congratulations, Lowell! Do you know what catching the garter means?
Lowell: Yeah - I finally have something frilly to keep the cold air out of my pants leg.

Jimmy: I'm guessing you're a Sagittarius...
Helen: And I'm guessing you never graduated high school.

Lowell: There must be a really good movie playing. She keeps calling me asking if I'm up for a little matinée.

Helen: He said I had a chance, Joe. You heard him, didn't you?
Joe: He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it!
Brian: Well Helen if it makes you feel any better, I've always doubted your talent and I still do.

Brian: "Solid citizen Joe. He always does the right thing." You know I bet you don't even tear that stupid tag off the mattress.
Joe: It says "Do not remove"!

Helen: Relax, it's just an acting exercise. Don't pucker up like Dudley Do-right, just relax!

Roy: What a bunch of losers. As far as I'm concerned, chicks are like buses. You miss one, another one'll come along before you know it.
Brian: Your dates are very much like buses, Roy. They're loud, they belch smoke, and can be picked up pretty much on any street corner.

Lowell: Divorce - we Mathers don't believe in divorce!
Roy: I know, it's a terrible thing to do to a first cousin.

Helen: Oh Lowell, please tell me your brother didn't marry his sister.
Roy: No. Cousin. The sister didn't work out.

Norm: [about Cliff] He's an okay guy, it just takes a little time to get used to him. I'm about two years away myself.

Helen: So what'd you get? "Miracle on 34th Street"?
Joe: No no, they were all out. Even the David Hartman version.
[Joe shows her the tape he rented]
Helen: "PSYCHO"?
Brian: That's more of a Mother's Day film, isn't it?

Coach: I was gonna tell you, they're splittin' me open and stickin' in a pacemaker. It's alright as long as nobody- hey, get away from that microwave!
Helen: It's a toaster oven.
Coach: In that case, Toots, toss in a bagel - and don't be stingy with the cream cheese!
[Takes a cigarette out of a pack]
Joe: Coach, you're still smoking?
Coach: Oh, I cut down to two packs a day - that lung I had removed scared the hell out of me!

Helen: Listen Lowell, I hope you didn't have any, you know, ill effects from what you ate here the other day.
Lowell: No, can't say as I did, Helen. Pretty much followed my usual routine. Watched a little TV, took off my shoes, threw up, went to bed.
Helen: Wait a minute. That's your usual routine? Throw up and then go to bed?
Lowell: Yes, I've found that to be far and away the best sequence.

Fay: [Telling of her second husband's annoying habit of flicking cigar ashes on the carpet] It took some time, but I got used to it.
[Archly]
Fay: Of course, when he died I had him cremated; he's using an ashtray now!

Roy: Blah, blah, blah. Did you get any or what?
Brian: Excuse me, Mr. Guccione, but that's not really your business. However since we're on the subject, if last night were a movie, waves would be crashing, rockets would be launching, and volcanoes would be erupting.
Lowell: I've seen that movie. "Krakatoa: East of Java". There wasn't much sex, but nobody had any time.

Roy: [after Faye tells a rambling story] What's scary is that she looks so normal.

Helen: Now what are you looking at? You think I wanna be here?
Alex: I know. I'm being selfish.
Brian: No. No you're not being selfish. We had a perfectly lovely evening planned, and they ruined it.
[to Joe]
Brian: And you can stop smiling.
Joe: [Grinning] No, actually I can't.

Helen: I can't believe it! I left my life in New York for this!
Joe: Oh, come on. What life? You were miserable.
Helen: Oh, I'm much better NOW.

Roy: Hey, have you seen Lowell around anywhere?
Joe: He's not here - we gave him the day off, remember?
Roy: What for?
Joe: The Mather family reunion.
Roy: Oh, right... dozens of people, all missing the same chromosome.

Joe: If If's and Buts were Candy and Nuts, we would all have a wonderful Christmas!

Lowell: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.

Brian: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.

Brian: Funny, nobody ever believes their parents do it. You really want to blow your mind, imagine your grandparents doing it.
Roy: Could we change the subject? I find this just a little distasteful.
Brian: Oh, too distasteful for YOU?
Roy: Look, my mother was a saint. My father was a pillar of the community. The last thing I want to do is imagine Mom wrapped in cellophane, Dad wearing tights and a miner's helmet. I didn't wake up and ask for a drink of water again for 25 years!

Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian: Well, obviously, she doesn't.

Lowell: Guys, a little help over here
[they crowd around him]
Lowell: I think I dropped all my fingers.

Brian: You know Helen, I was wondering. When we were younger, before I was a pilot, before you made that silly rule, why is it you and I never dated one another?
Helen: Well for one, you were obnoxious.
Brian: Oh yeah. And you were, well... huge.
Helen: That's true. But I'VE gotten thinner.

Sylvia: Did we forget our lithium this morning?

Brian: Antonio, did you find anything out?
Antonio: Okay okay, I spoke to the other cabbies. Joe's Jeep was placed outside Alex's building no earlier than midnight and no later than 2:30. Footprints leading to the car indicate he must have left between 2 and 4, because they were filled with rainwater. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion... that I have got to get a life!

Brian: You know something? I can't - I can't do this.
Shannon: Why?
Brian: No listen, it took me a long time to figure this out Shannon, but I finally did figure it out: You've used me, and this is the last time I'm gonna let you do this.
Shannon: USED you? I don't use you Brian, I NEED you.
Brian: Oh really, what am I on this planet solely to make you feel better, is that it?
Shannon: If you're not there for me Brian, what am I gonna do?
Brian: Well you got that ticket. Use it.
Shannon: Fine. Goodbye Brian.
[Shannon leaves]
Helen: YES! You did it! Don't you feel great?
Brian: [Weeping] No!
[Composed again]
Brian: No I do, I do!

Angry: Look, if I give you the 50 cents, will you get the hell out of here?
Joe: Hey hey hey, lady, it's not about the money. It's about his attitude. Do you want him talking to you like this?
Angry: Absolutely! It means you'd be gone and I'd be at the head of the line.

Roy: I can't believe this! What is a hot young stud like me doing wasting a Saturday night with you two, when I could be out with any number of beautiful women?
Antonio: Let's just count how many things are wrong with that statement.

Brian: I see what's happening now. You're just desperate to find somebody--anybody--who'll tell you it's okay not to tell Helen about Gail.
Joe: And that's a bad thing, right?
Brian: Joe, Helen deserves to know.
Joe: Gee Brian, I was kinda counting on you to tell me to do the weaselly thing.
Brian: Any other woman and I'd be there for you, you know that. But, this is Helen.

Lowell: Joe, let me see if I can find the words to explain it.
[Long pause]
Lowell: Nope.

Roy: What are you looking at?
Lowell: [Referring to the metal plate in Roy's head] Well, I happen to be a student of medical oddities; so, if I were to peel back your scalp, what would I see?
Roy: The inside of a body bag!

Joe: Listen, I really need your advice.
Brian: You want MY advice? You never want my advice.
Joe: This happens to be a really sensitive issue, and you're the only person I can talk to about this.
Brian: Ah so, you've stumbled into my special area of expertise, did you? My bailiwick, as it were. Well, I guess there are some things you just can't discuss with just anyone, which is fine, Joe, that's fine. But I think I really need to tell you at the outset that I really don't have the faintest idea of what I'm talking about.

Joe: Lowell, where you going?
Lowell: Oh, to clear my mind.
Roy: Shouldn't take long. One good sneeze ought to do it.

Helen: All right, all right, all right. I've got an announcement to make, and I'm only gonna say this once. New York... sucked. It was terrible, my life was terrible, my job was terrible, I lived in a terrible rat-infested apartment building. It was the absolute low point of my existence, and I don't want to ever ever ever EVER talk about that city again. Okay? Any questions?
Lowell: ...Did you see any good shows?
Helen: The only show I saw was a man peeing on 42nd Street.
Lowell: Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?
Fay: No, but if anyone could put it to music, he could.

Brian: [Reading Fay's to-do list] I know the goat is a roadie tart, but I bought your dog a grape jar?
Fay: I know we got off to a rocky start, but I think you're doing a great job.

Fay: You're terrible. You only take your mother out of that nursing home once a year on Christmas Eve. I know you're inviting Antonio just so you'll have someone to talk to.
Roy: Oh Faye, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm inviting him so Mom will have someone to talk to.

Joe: She spends most of her time down at the docks, letting tourists take pictures of her parrot picking birdseed out of her navel!
Brian: If she were 20 and living in a loft in SOHO, they'd call that performance art.

Helen: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!
Joe: Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!
Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!
Joe: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!

Mr. Stubbs: By the way, does this job require that I fly at night?
Joe: Yeah. Is that a problem?
Mr. Stubbs: Well, my doctor don't like me DRIVING after dark, but... he didn't say nothing 'bout flying.

Helen: What the hell's this 'transponder' he keeps talking about?
Fay: It's a transmitter that sends out a constant homing signal so that, in the event of a crash, they'll be sure to find us.
Helen: And if we don't have one?
Fay: Well, what's the nautical equivalent of 'needle in a haystack?'

Lowell: So what was wrong with the radio again, Joe?
Joe: It keeps cutting in and out. When I'm in my office, I have got to be able to pick up the mic and know whoever's sitting in that cockpit can hear me.
Lowell: Well I'd say your best bet would be to stick your head out the office door and yell.
Joe: No, I meant when the plane was in the air, Lowell.
Lowell: So did I.

Brian: Got a hot date, huh? Well take a tip from the master: Flush that cologne, man. It's toxic.
Joe: Really.
Brian: Mmm.
Joe: You don't like it?
Brian: Terrible.
Joe: That's a relief. It's only when you like something I start to worry.

Joe: Brian, are you ok?
Brian: Yeah, my head's still sore. I banged it pretty bad.
Joe: Well, you take care of yourself. I want you strong and healthy when I beat your brains out.

Jimmy: I'm just trying to have a couple of laughs with the lady here.
Brian: Well, Cindy is with my brother, Joe, now. She doesn't laugh anymore.

Lowell: Well I'm with Helen. Sometimes a person just has annoying habits you can't overlook. Now Bunny had one. She used to drum her fingers on the table when she would read the morning paper. That drove me crazy. That's what broke up our marriage.
Helen: Lowell, I thought it was because Bunny slept with other men.
Lowell: Oh right. Well make that TWO annoying habits.

[describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen: ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian: Where was your hand?
Joe: Hello!

Brian: [about Cliff] Hey, does he talk to people like that all the time?
Norm: Oh, he doesn't need people.

[hitting on Helen at the lunch counter]
Lewis: Ya know, I have a video camera that shoots in the dark.
Helen: Yeah, I got a gun that does the same thing.

Carlton: Are we on the ground?
Brian: No, we crashed and died, and Heaven's really disappointing.

Antonio: [to Helen who is coming towards him menacingly] Don't make me use my pepper spray.

Brian: "Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!

Helen: Oh come on. Lowell and Bunny were so loud they kept you up all night?
Brian: Morning too. I was halfway down the block, I could swear I heard them yodeling.
Helen: Now that doesn't mean anything. My parents used to yodel all the time, and they certainly weren't...
[realizes]
Helen: Oh my God!

Lowell: I'm actually a lot like a camel. I can go for months without water.
Roy: You've only gone twelve hours; you're *way* too much like a camel already.

Helen: God, this is exhausting.
Joe: I know. We didn't work this hard on OUR relationship.
Helen: I did.
Joe: ...Oh yeah, I did too.

Mae: Aw, come on Joe. We just can't go on like this. You gotta say something sometime.
Joe: All right, how about this: Why did you leave us?
Mae: Ooh... you went right to the lightning round, didn't you?
Joe: Oh, I'm sorry. Is it not superficial enough for you? Okay, well let's see. How about the weather? It was raining the day you left. It was sunny the day I graduated from high school. It was partly cloudy the day I took my first solo flight. And it was a wet, miserable day the day that Dad died. You want tomorrow's forecast?
Mae: Can't get any colder than tonight.

Antonio: I'll never have enough money to send to my father.
Roy: Oh, Scarpacci, quit complaining. At least your dad's an ocean away. My mom is right down the road at that old folks home - or as I like to call it, "Seizures Palace."

Antonio: I just hope I'm not forced to call my Uncle Carmine. He knows people who know people...
Brian: Antonio, do you really think that's necessary?
Antonio: Yes. One of those people must have a place I could sleep.

Fay: [Brian is wearing a new cologne] Brian, what is that you're wearing?
Brian: It's called "Saddle Up". What, you don't like it?
Fay: Oh no, I DO like it. I liked it the first time I smelled it: about the time you were pulling into the parking lot.
[Lowell enters]
Fay: Oh Lowell, leave that door open please.
Lowell: Oh, I don't think you want me to do that Fay. There's a smell out there that...
[he sniffs]
Lowell: ... Too late, it's in here now.

Joe: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.

Joe: Say Brian, do you and Gail want to come by and pick us up, or should we meet at the restaurant?
Brian: Whoops, that's tonight, isn't it? Um Joe, there's been a slight change of plans. Things didn't go so well with Gail. Apparently, I drank a lot more than I thought the other night. Gail's hair's not red, she's not Oriental, and she was standing on a bar stool. So all in all, I'd say Cindy's quite a catch.

Brian: STUPID-HEAD!

Fay: Marriage is a wonderful institution! I know, I've been there three times myself - marriage, not an institution...

Gail: [Gail walks in on Joe and Helen kissing] Hi, guys.
Helen: [Joe and Helen break apart] Ohhhh.
Joe: Gail...
Helen: Gail.
Joe: This is not what you think.
Gail: No? I think you were kissing Helen.
Joe: Okay maybe it is what you think.
Helen: Gail, I'm so embarrassed.
Joe: Look, there is a really good explanation for what was going on here.
Gail: I'm waiting.
Joe: Oh, you wanna hear it?

Joe: Brian, you have a flight that's supposed to be leaving. Are you aware that you still work here?
Brian: Yes Joe, I know that. And under no circumstances will I allow my social life to interfere with my duties here.
Joe: Good.
Brian: Which is why I need to take a leave of absence through the weekend.
Joe: All right, all right Brian, I will take your flights. But you know what this means? It means you have to work on Thanksgiving Day.
Brian: Wait okay, lemme get this straight. You mean I get to spend an afternoon frolicking with a beautiful woman, and as punishment I miss out on dried-out turkey, raisin stuffing, and Uncle Wayne making a beard with his mashed potatoes?
Joe: Hey, it's the only way you're gonna learn.

Lowell: Well, it's 10:15, it's clear she's not coming.
[For the divorce]
Bunny: Sorry I'm late, it was such a beautiful day I just had to stop for ice cream!

Helen: [Joe and Helen have just kissed. They break in surprise] What the hell was that?
Joe: I dunno. One minute we're spanking each other with meat, and the next it got weird.

Rachel: [to Joe, listening with Brian on speaker phone] Let's see, I have a thigh class at 11, and a butt class at 1 - how about if I squeeze you in between?

Lowell: There's something I need you to clear up. I'm sure when you hear it, it's gonna make you laugh. Heh heh, I'm laughing already.
Bunny: What is it, Lowell?
Lowell: Well, it's just a little tiny thing, and I'm sure you have a perfectly good explanation. But
[snickers]
Lowell: Faye told me that you have a fiance in Boston.
Bunny: Oh, he just calls himself my fiance 'cause he asked me to marry him and I said yes. It's not like we set a date or anything.
Lowell: ...It's not exactly the explanation I was hoping for.

Roy: We just give him the old schmoozola: we'll wine him, dine him, make him feel like he's one of the family - even if he IS the weird cousin you keep in the basement!

Antonio: Remember when I told you yesterday that I witnessed a man robbing Hanley's jewelry store?
Helen: Yeah, that was all you talked about the whole day!
Antonio: I'm sorry - I thought we could all use a break from your 'all the good men are either married or gay' speech.

Brian: Can't get sidetracked now again. We got to keep our eyes on the prize.
[an attractive woman walks by]
Brian: Whoa, major hooters.
[to Joe]
Brian: We can't let those...
Attractive: What did you say?
Brian: Major Hooters. Major Bob Hooters, U.S. Air Force, at your service.
[He salutes. She rolls her eyes and walks away, while Joe drags Brian out the door]
Brian: Uh-oh, scramble. Red alert. Rest easy tonight, little lady. Our boys are in the air. And so are yours!

Brian: That's right, because if he's going to take anybody, my sweet, it's gonna be me and Alex to Connecticut. 'Cause I am his brother after all.
Helen: Oh yeah. The brother who once stole his fiancee.
Brian: Wait a second now. Who's dating the guy who won't invest in his airline?
Helen: Well who's his best friend?
Brian: Well who wrecked his car--never mind.

Giacomo: [Says something in Italian about Helen having a great ass, at which point Antonio slaps his face]
Helen: What did he say?
Antonio: He said you're nice.