100 Best Brian Michael Hackett Quotes

Brian: Antonio, did you find anything out?
Antonio: Okay okay, I spoke to the other cabbies. Joe's Jeep was placed outside Alex's building no earlier than midnight and no later than 2:30. Footprints leading to the car indicate he must have left between 2 and 4, because they were filled with rainwater. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion... that I have got to get a life!

Brian: STUPID-HEAD!

Brian: [about Cliff] Hey, does he talk to people like that all the time?
Norm: Oh, he doesn't need people.

Lowell: I'm gonna go out and find an apartment for me and Bunny. Yeah I don't know, with other people in the house we feel inhibited.
Brian: THAT was inhibited? When you were finished, *I* smoked a cigarette.

[describing Helen and Lowell's date]
Helen: ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian: Where was your hand?
Joe: Hello!

Brian: I see what's happening now. You're just desperate to find somebody--anybody--who'll tell you it's okay not to tell Helen about Gail.
Joe: And that's a bad thing, right?
Brian: Joe, Helen deserves to know.
Joe: Gee Brian, I was kinda counting on you to tell me to do the weaselly thing.
Brian: Any other woman and I'd be there for you, you know that. But, this is Helen.

Helen: Now what are you looking at? You think I wanna be here?
Alex: I know. I'm being selfish.
Brian: No. No you're not being selfish. We had a perfectly lovely evening planned, and they ruined it.
[to Joe]
Brian: And you can stop smiling.
Joe: [Grinning] No, actually I can't.

Brian: Try throwing a shoe at Roy and NOT hitting him.

Brian: Did you know it was Helen's birthday?
Lowell: Sure did! It's kind of hard to forget: it falls on the same day Sir John Speke discovered the source of the Nile.

Brian: You know something? I can't - I can't do this.
Shannon: Why?
Brian: No listen, it took me a long time to figure this out Shannon, but I finally did figure it out: You've used me, and this is the last time I'm gonna let you do this.
Shannon: USED you? I don't use you Brian, I NEED you.
Brian: Oh really, what am I on this planet solely to make you feel better, is that it?
Shannon: If you're not there for me Brian, what am I gonna do?
Brian: Well you got that ticket. Use it.
Shannon: Fine. Goodbye Brian.
[Shannon leaves]
Helen: YES! You did it! Don't you feel great?
Brian: [Weeping] No!
[Composed again]
Brian: No I do, I do!

Brian: [Reading Fay's to-do list] I know the goat is a roadie tart, but I bought your dog a grape jar?
Fay: I know we got off to a rocky start, but I think you're doing a great job.

Joe: All right. Okay, it's not an appointment exactly so much as a, uh...
Brian: The D word?
Joe: Yeah, a date. Okay?

Helen: [to Joe] Let's just try to have a nice evening.
Brian: [to Joe] Yeah, the way we do every year. You'll eat too much, I'll drink too much, we'll lie on the floor, we'll loosen our pants...
Helen: I'll be disgusted...
Brian: Right! It's Christmas!

Brian: You know Helen, I was wondering. When we were younger, before I was a pilot, before you made that silly rule, why is it you and I never dated one another?
Helen: Well for one, you were obnoxious.
Brian: Oh yeah. And you were, well... huge.
Helen: That's true. But I'VE gotten thinner.

Antonio: I just hope I'm not forced to call my Uncle Carmine. He knows people who know people...
Brian: Antonio, do you really think that's necessary?
Antonio: Yes. One of those people must have a place I could sleep.

Brian: Hey Fay, how 'bout you, uh, got any plans for tonight?
Fay: Oh my yes, this is the night I thaw out food for the weekend!

Brian: Can't get sidetracked now again. We got to keep our eyes on the prize.
[an attractive woman walks by]
Brian: Whoa, major hooters.
[to Joe]
Brian: We can't let those...
Attractive: What did you say?
Brian: Major Hooters. Major Bob Hooters, U.S. Air Force, at your service.
[He salutes. She rolls her eyes and walks away, while Joe drags Brian out the door]
Brian: Uh-oh, scramble. Red alert. Rest easy tonight, little lady. Our boys are in the air. And so are yours!

Roy: What a bunch of losers. As far as I'm concerned, chicks are like buses. You miss one, another one'll come along before you know it.
Brian: Your dates are very much like buses, Roy. They're loud, they belch smoke, and can be picked up pretty much on any street corner.

Joe: Brian, are you ok?
Brian: Yeah, my head's still sore. I banged it pretty bad.
Joe: Well, you take care of yourself. I want you strong and healthy when I beat your brains out.

Brian: Well, goodbye, old house.
Joe: Yeah, and just think, we never have to see this place again.
[flashback]
Mr. Hackett: Boys, come on down and get some dinner!
Little: Wow, I like this place a lot better than the old apartment!
Mrs. Hackett: You know guys, I think we're going to be happy here for a long time.

Brian: This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.

Lowell: Walking in my Winter underwear.
Brian: Lowell, I'm pretty sure it's Winter Wonderland...
Lowell: That's ridiculous, Brian - Wonderland is a dog track, and I'm pretty sure it's closed for the Winter. For me, its Winter umderwear.

Brian: We are now flying over Amish Country - phrases to avoid include "Yo Beardy!" and "Hey Mr. No-Buttons."

Brian: "Solid citizen Joe. He always does the right thing." You know I bet you don't even tear that stupid tag off the mattress.
Joe: It says "Do not remove"!

Joe: You don't see me spending MY life savings on a Ferrari! And you know why?
Brian: Because they don't make them in brown...?

Brian: So how'd it go?
Joe: Not well.
Brian: Ahh. You know Helen. She'll get over it. I mean, she starts out hot, and then eventually she'll just go home, break a little crockery, eat a wheel of cheese. And in the long run, everything will be fine.
Joe: In the long run, yeah. What about the short run?
Brian: Oh, the short run will kill you every time.

Joe: Brian, please. You are the only person I can trust.
Brian: All right. All right.
Fay: Now Joe, about this business with Helen, you definitely should tell her about Gail. She deserves to know.
Brian: [to Joe] So, you went to Fay for advice over your own brother.
Joe: Well, I...
Brian: That's great.
Fay: How do you think I felt? He asked Lowell before he asked me.
Brian: Lowell?
Roy: Hackett, I've been giving this Helen problem of yours some thought.
Brian: Oh, come on!

Lowell: [singing] I'll be Joan for Christmas...
Roy: Why is it whenever he's around I hear dueling banjos?
Fay: George used to sing that song to me.
Brian: There's words to that song? I thought it was just banjos.

Brian: Let's go find some women! You do date, don't you?
Joe: Of course I date. What do think I am, a hermit? I went on a date just last... what month is this?
Brian: April.
Joe: April? Really?

Helen: He said I had a chance, Joe. You heard him, didn't you?
Joe: He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it!
Brian: Well Helen if it makes you feel any better, I've always doubted your talent and I still do.

Brian: What if she's disappointed in how I turned out?
Helen: Oh, Brian, of course she'll be disappointed. Well, we all are. But she's your mom. She'll love you anyway.

Brian: That's right, because if he's going to take anybody, my sweet, it's gonna be me and Alex to Connecticut. 'Cause I am his brother after all.
Helen: Oh yeah. The brother who once stole his fiancee.
Brian: Wait a second now. Who's dating the guy who won't invest in his airline?
Helen: Well who's his best friend?
Brian: Well who wrecked his car--never mind.

Joe: Sir, it took me some doing, but here it is. Here's your briefcase. Look, I'm really very sorry that you had a bad experience with Sandpiper and I'd like the chance to make it up to you. So, if you ever decide to fly with us again, that flight's on the house, okay?
Luggage: [Glances at briefcase] It's scratched.
Joe: What?
Luggage: There's a scratch on it, right here, and it wasn't there before. I'm filing a damage claim. Somebody's going to pay for this, and it's *not* going to be me.
Joe: [laughing] Well, that's not a problem, sir! There's no need to file a report. Here, come with me; I've got just the thing for you. I am going to take your briefcase and put it through our special scratch remover!
[Throws briefcase through office door]
Joe: You can collect your bags right through there! Thank you for flying Sandpiper!
Joe: All right, Scotty, where were we? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, you were, uh, asking me about my life.
[Takes map of Nantucket off of Roy's wall]
Joe: I think that right here is pretty much everything you need to know.
[Points at map]
Joe: This is Nantucket. I was born here, I live here, and I am probably gonna die here.
[Throws map]
Brian: Joe, take it easy! Relax!
Joe: Relax? I can't relax! If I relax, who's gonna try to keep this damn airline in business? Certainly not you. No, you're too busy wrestling with life's greater problems, like your recent bout with mediocre sex.
Brian: Little louder, Joe, I don't think everybody heard you.
Roy: No, I can hear fine, thanks.
Helen: [after Joe knocks a stool over at the lunch counter] Joe, stop it!
Joe: No, YOU stop it, Helen! You stop coming to me every time you have a problem with your boyfriend! Did it ever occur to you that I am alone here, and maybe I don't wanna hear about it? I am SICK of everyone running to me everytime they have a problem. Faye has a crisis, run to Joe; Antonio wants to buy a new cab, run to Joe; Roy wants to gloat, run to Joe. Well, where do *I* run to? Where do *I* go? Where do I go, when my dream of flying jets turns into the nightmare of being a baggage handler, huh? SOMEBODY tell me. Where do I go... when it finally dawns on me that my life SUCKS?

Joe: [Carol left Brian] That pig!
Brian: Okay, I'll give you that. But she was MY pig.
Joe: Well, at least the other guy wasn't your brother!
Brian: Yeah. Yeah. My brother would never have done that to me.
[Beat]
Brian: Kinda thought if Pop left us some money, she might wanna come back.
[Beat]
Brian: Hey, listen Joe: No matter whose fault it was, if losing Carol made you feel the way I've felt since she's left, then... I'm really really sorry.

Brian: Let's see: you gave a two pound box of chocolates to someone who's been struggling with a weight problem since she started on solid food... Nah, it couldn't be THAT!

Joe: Look what she's doing to us, Brian. The last time she came between us, we didn't speak for six years. Now I don't want that to happen again. Do you?
Brian: ...No.
Joe: Now one of us has been up front with you. One of us has told you the truth. And only one of us really cares about you.
Brian: [disappointed] Just my luck it's you.

Brian: Got a hot date, huh? Well take a tip from the master: Flush that cologne, man. It's toxic.
Joe: Really.
Brian: Mmm.
Joe: You don't like it?
Brian: Terrible.
Joe: That's a relief. It's only when you like something I start to worry.

Norm: So, um, what time's the cocktail service start?
Brian: We don't have cocktail service.
Norm: You do now.
[grabs a can of beer out of his pocket and pulls the tab]

Joe: Are you telling me that you didn't see it? The way that she hugged Helen, and she purposely didn't hug me?
Brian: She didn't hug me either.
Joe: That's just how devious she is.

Joe: Give me one reason I shouldn't beat the hell outta you.
Brian: I'm on your medical plan?

Brian: I let Kenny take the late flight to Provincetown.
Joe: Are you sure he's ready?
Brian: Oh yeah, he's a great kid. Don't worry about it. And a very accomplished pilot, too. He only lost his poise one time today, and that's when the passengers played Keep Away with his hat.
Joe: Well I hope you stopped it.
Brian: Stopped it? I started it.

Fay: As arrests go, that was disappointing; not like MY arrest.
Brian: Wait, YOU were ARRESTED?
Fay: I'm not proud of it. It was at an anti-war rally in San Francisco in 1966.
Brian: You never said you were a protester!
Fay: I wasn't, I was a shopper: I ran into Abby Hoffman coming out of Gump's and he called a fascist pig, so I decked him.

Jimmy: I'm just trying to have a couple of laughs with the lady here.
Brian: Well, Cindy is with my brother, Joe, now. She doesn't laugh anymore.

Joe: She spends most of her time down at the docks, letting tourists take pictures of her parrot picking birdseed out of her navel!
Brian: If she were 20 and living in a loft in SOHO, they'd call that performance art.

Joe: I am not dating her, and I have no plans to.
[to Brian]
Joe: You knew about this, didn't you?
Brian: Yes yes yes, I did know about it. But she's trying to change. Gail asked me to try to find Cindy someone who was nice, dependable, a real gentleman. Excuse me Joe, but I thought of you.

Casey: We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.

Joe: Listen, I really need your advice.
Brian: You want MY advice? You never want my advice.
Joe: This happens to be a really sensitive issue, and you're the only person I can talk to about this.
Brian: Ah so, you've stumbled into my special area of expertise, did you? My bailiwick, as it were. Well, I guess there are some things you just can't discuss with just anyone, which is fine, Joe, that's fine. But I think I really need to tell you at the outset that I really don't have the faintest idea of what I'm talking about.

Brian: Enough about me. What'd you do tonight?
Joe: Oh, well, you know that new blonde waitress down at the Club Car?
Brian: With the...
Joe: Yeah, that is the one. Well, when she got off work, she asked me to go back to her place.
Brian: [laughs] What happened?
Joe: I don't know, you woke me up!

Helen: So what'd you get? "Miracle on 34th Street"?
Joe: No no, they were all out. Even the David Hartman version.
[Joe shows her the tape he rented]
Helen: "PSYCHO"?
Brian: That's more of a Mother's Day film, isn't it?

Brian: Remember what you guys were saying before about Shannon using me? Well, what she was just doing, is this sort of an example of what you were talking about?
Helen: [to Joe] My god, doctor. The iceman's head's starting to thaw.

Helen: Oh, what's Joe talking about? There's plenty of good movies here. Here's one: "Trading Places".
Brian: Oh hey, perfect. Yeah, comedy, Christmas-themed, just the right amount of nudity.
Helen: Brian, there's no nudity in this film.
Brian: Excuse me, approximately 45 minutes in, Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off.
Helen: Not tonight she doesn't. Oh you know, I wouldn't mind seeing this one again: "Kramer vs. Kramer". You know, it's family, it's loving, it's...
Brian: JoBeth Williams naked in the hallway?
Helen: Is that all you remember from a film? Who's naked?
Brian: Ah, some people go out humming a theme song. I'm more of a nudity savant. C'mon test me, test me.
[Helen holds up "Working Girl"]
Brian: Ah, that is... Melanie Griffith vacuuming topless 73 minutes in.
[Helen holds up "About Last Night"]
Brian: Okay, Demi Moore, kitchen scene, backlit by the refrigerator light.
[Helen holds up "Deliverance"]
Brian: Ned Beatty scrambling up the hillside... Wow, talk about a mood breaker.

Joe: Brian, I can't tonight. I mean, normally I'd love to, but... I can't because I... I have uh... a... an appointment.
Brian: Oh, an appointment, huh? Like in business?
Joe: Yeah, that's right. Business appointment.
Brian: Mmm.
[Joe rubs his face and chest with cologne]
Brian: Exactly where'd you meet this guy, Joe?

Brian: [Spotting Alex entering the terminal] Hello - Alex Lambert, helicopter pilot from Heaven.
Joe: Oh, wow! I'd sell my soul to the devil for her.
Brian: I'd drag myself naked across broken glass just to kiss one of her footprints.
Joe: Well, I would walk across hot coals just to get to that ground glass.
Brian: Yeah? Well, I would doggy-paddle across a pool of hungry pirhanas...
Fay: [Interrupting] Oh, stop it! You two are terrible! I'd take you both over my knee except I'm afraid you'd like it!

Carlton: Hey, if a monkey were to bite ya, what kinda drugs would they make ya take?
Antonio: I don't know... maybe Joe knows...
Joe: You sure ask a lotta questions, don't you, Carlton?
Carlton: Well, my mother always told me 'There's no such thing as a stupid question'.
Brian: Run that one about the monkey past her sometime.

Brian: It's scary to think that we live in a country where anybody can walk up to a counter and purchase meat.

Brian: It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy: Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're... you're too tired, or she's too... what's a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian: The words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.

Roy: I'm taking away something valuable from this experience.
Brian: What's that?
Roy: Pavarotti's overcoat.
[Pulls coat from closet]

Joe: So, what do you want to do, huh? Hey, how 'bout charades?
Brian: No! No charades. First one to mime something dies.

Helen: I thought Alex had better taste in men than to go out with you.
Brian: Well, obviously, she doesn't.

Roy: Blah, blah, blah. Did you get any or what?
Brian: Excuse me, Mr. Guccione, but that's not really your business. However since we're on the subject, if last night were a movie, waves would be crashing, rockets would be launching, and volcanoes would be erupting.
Lowell: I've seen that movie. "Krakatoa: East of Java". There wasn't much sex, but nobody had any time.

Brian: Alright, but when the bloated bodies start piling up like cords of wood on Main Street, don't come crying to me!
Joe: I can live with that. Helen?
Helen: I rarely get into town.

Brian: Funny, nobody ever believes their parents do it. You really want to blow your mind, imagine your grandparents doing it.
Roy: Could we change the subject? I find this just a little distasteful.
Brian: Oh, too distasteful for YOU?
Roy: Look, my mother was a saint. My father was a pillar of the community. The last thing I want to do is imagine Mom wrapped in cellophane, Dad wearing tights and a miner's helmet. I didn't wake up and ask for a drink of water again for 25 years!

[Norm and Cliff from Boston, are taking a flight to Nantucket to go fishing. Brian is preparing for take-off]
Norm: I can't wait to get out on the water. Do you know how the fishing is over on Nantucket?
Brian: Oh, yeah, I hear they're biting like pitbulls at a mailman convention.
Norm: Hahahaha!
Cliff: [scowling at Brian] That's supposed to be funny?
Brian: I guess not.

Brian: I saw this on the Twilight Zone one time, all we have to do, is stop time.

Carlton: [after 23 hours of misunderstandings and $10,000, Carlton has beaten his estranged brother of 50 years at an airport in Wyoming] Well, I said all I had to say to that son of a bitch! What are you waiting for? Take off!
Brian: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't get it. You pay $10,000 and fly all this way just so you can beat your brother senseless?
Carlton: Hell, no! I got my daddy's watch back, too!... wait a minute! This isn't Daddy's watch! And, come to think of it, Milford doesn't have red hair... maybe it *was* Las Cruces!

Antonio: Is this Ice Tray the one who was in "Boyz n the Hood"?
Helen: Oh no, that's Ice Cube.
Antonio: Then who sang the song about the ninja turtle?
Brian: That was Vanilla Ice.
Antonio: Wait, isn't Ice Cube the basketball player?
Helen: No no, that's Ice-T.
Brian: No, that's The Iceman.
Antonio: I wonder if Ice-T is related to Mr. T.
Lowell: I wonder if Mr. T is related to Mr. Coffee.
Roy: I wonder if your mother's related to your father.

Roy: What the hell is that smell?
Brian: Well if it's musky, manly with just a hint of the Old West, it's my cologne. If on the other hand it's the overwhelming stench of onions, garlic, and sausage, I suggest you change your tie.

Brian: "Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!

Brian: And as if that *weren't* enough, I'm the one who's sittin' here wearing a FREAKIN' CLOWN SUIT!

Joe: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian: You are sitting on it.
Joe: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.

Brian: My my, our little girl dating already. They grow up so fast. Seems like only yesterday I was pelting her with snowballs.
Helen: It WAS yesterday. Which reminds me, I saved one for you.
Brian: [Helen smashes a snowball into Brian's face. The gang laughs] You know, that sort of thing is funny until someone loses an eye.

Brian: That key opened up a safe deposit box, which had a key for another bank. Which led to another key to another bank. Which led to two bus stations, a post office, a train depot, and a kennel. And you wanna know what we found?
[Reaches into his pocket]
Brian: Another key. And you wanna know where it goes? I'll tell you where it goes. We don't KNOW where it goes!
[Slams the key on the table]
Brian: THAT'S where it goes.

Cliff: I'm about ready to take off, there. How about you, Sky King?
Brian: Just one more pre-flight adjustment to make.
Cliff: What's that?
Brian: Would you two guys mind switching seats?
Cliff: Ah, I get it. Weight distribution of payload. Right you are.
[Gets up to change seats with Norm, all the while muttering]
Norm: Is this for safety reasons?
Brian: Oh, yeah. If he'd stayed up here, I'd've killed him.

Helen: [Helen brings out a gingerbread house] Hey Brian, look what I made for our Christmas Eve!
Brian: Helen, why do you always do this? Every year you make a gorgeous gingerbread house, and every year you won't let us eat it.
Helen: Well, 'cause it's so cute.
Brian: Let me just have a little taste.
Helen: No.
Brian: C'mon, c'mon. I'll chew you a skylight.
Helen: No. You know how the tradition works. Every Christmas Eve, we go to my place, we have a nice dinner, we watch videos. And then after you and Joe leave, I realize another year's gone by and I'm still alone, and that's when Hurricane Helen comes and sucks the roof off this baby.
Brian: Must've had a real bad year. I see you've added a second story.

[Cliff, sitting in the co-pilot's seat, starts tapping on the covers of the plane's console's indicators]
Brian: Don't do that.
Cliff: Ah, your altimeter is stuck at zero there.
Brian: We're on the ground.

Joe: Look, there's no reason to get upset.
Brian: I want to get upset. I LIKE to get upset. Getting upset makes me happy! You ought to try it sometime.

Fay: [Brian is wearing a new cologne] Brian, what is that you're wearing?
Brian: It's called "Saddle Up". What, you don't like it?
Fay: Oh no, I DO like it. I liked it the first time I smelled it: about the time you were pulling into the parking lot.
[Lowell enters]
Fay: Oh Lowell, leave that door open please.
Lowell: Oh, I don't think you want me to do that Fay. There's a smell out there that...
[he sniffs]
Lowell: ... Too late, it's in here now.

Joe: I heard from Helen last night.
Brian: You're kidding me. So, just out of the blue, like that?
Joe: I was as surprised as you were! She was, well kinda fishing around about where our relationship stood.
Brian: Oh, wow. So, what'd she say when you told her about Gail, huh?
Joe: She... she, uh...
Brian: You didn't tell her about Gail, did you?
Joe: I was going to, I really was! I had an opening...
Brian: But you just couldn't be honest, could you Joe? I am very surprised at you. That is so... me.

Brian: How was I supposed to know they'd confiscate our clubs in the lobby and us off to a three hour sales presentation?
Joe: FOUR hour!
Brian: Four hour...
Joe: Made me nostalgic for that time I passed a kidney stone!

Joe: [after finding a teddy bear hanging by a noose over his desk] What did I tell you? Sandy is crazy! Maybe you'll believe me now!
Helen: Yeah, Joe's right. This is pretty weird.
Brian: Let's not jump to any conclusions, okay? This could be a suicide. Check the bear for signs of a struggle.
Alex: Maybe we should call the police.
Brian: Yeah, because if we stand here and do nothing, then another innocent stuffed toy could get whacked.
Helen: Brian...
Joe: Yeah, c'mon - this is not funny! We gotta do something!
Alex: Now, first things first. I think we should... notify the bear's next-of-kin.
Helen: How can you two kid around at a time like this?
Joe: Thank you, Helen!
Helen: A bear has died!

Brian: Camus was right: life IS absurd!

Brian: Listen, We are throwing a suprise engagement party for Joe and Helen and um your all invited.
Casey: Its at the Harbor House tonight, we'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30
Roy: Well, its a little last minute but its a party and who am I to pass up a big sandwich. How many feet you go for, eight feet?
Lowell: No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!
Brian: Brace yourself guys... um... were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell: Excuse me um almost sounded like you said there'd be no big sandwich.
Fay: Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy: A party with out a big sandwich? it it it it its just not done.
Casey: All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell: How many feet did you get?
Casey: It doesn't come by the foot.
Lowell: Then how do you know when your full?
Casey: I gotta get off this Island
[leaves quickly]

Joe: Say Brian, do you and Gail want to come by and pick us up, or should we meet at the restaurant?
Brian: Whoops, that's tonight, isn't it? Um Joe, there's been a slight change of plans. Things didn't go so well with Gail. Apparently, I drank a lot more than I thought the other night. Gail's hair's not red, she's not Oriental, and she was standing on a bar stool. So all in all, I'd say Cindy's quite a catch.

Brian: [after a suggestion is made to make s'mores] No, I hate s'mores!
Joe: How could you hate s'mores?
Brian: Because that's the stupidest name for a food, like "It's so good, I want s-more," Those are so stupid, they should be called stupids!

Brian: Lowell, why are you sitting here in the dark?
Lowell: [expressionless] It's relaxing.
Brian: Yeah well, Lowell, the idea of you sitting alone in here in the dark makes me nervous.
Lowell: Then you should try sitting in the dark sometime. It's relaxing.

Joe: [Brian wants to buy a $15,000 cello for Helen] Fifteen thousand dollars, fifteen *thousand* dollars! What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian: You are sittin' on it.
Joe: I am *not* going in *that* line of work.
Brian: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house. And *don't* flatter yourself.

Brian: Okay, okay, okay. Listen, I know what you guys are thinking, and you can relax. I know I've had a lot of troubles with Shannon in the past. But that is not gonna happen this time, and for two very good reasons. Number one: I'm older and wiser, okay? Number two: She's unavailable. For the last couple of years she's been living with a guy who she's crazy about. And that's good, because I never could have relied on reason number one.

Brian: Every time you come to the island, we fall into a kind of a pattern. Take the other night for example. I had the impression we had a relationship starting.
Shannon: So that's what this is about. I sometimes forget how you get carried away with the slightest little gesture.
Brian: Wait wait, gesture - GESTURE? That gesture damn near knocked me unconscious.

Fay: If I was going to kill you, I'd never poison you. I'd just tamper with the fuel gauge on the plane and let you sink like a stone somewhere over Nantuckett Sound.
Brian: Faye!
Fay: I'm only kidding... but I do know how.

Brian: Come all the way back here, and what do I end up with? Nada, zippo, zero, zilch! With nothing.
Joe: [Beat] You've got Carol.
Brian: Oh, so now we get to it, huh? I thought you said you were over that.
Joe: Over you stealing the love of my life?
Brian: I didn't steal her. She came after me.
Joe: Aw, come off it. Carol doesn't have a deceptive bone in her body. She's kind, and good, and honest. And you stole her from me, and it hurts. It hurts bad. I don't think you could ever know how much.
Brian: [Beat] She left me for another guy.
Joe: She left you too?
Brian: Yeah.
Joe: That pig!

Joe: [Reading from Ted's notes] "Joe Hackett, best pilot I've ever known... Cool in a crisis... Taught me everything I know... Once turned down an offer to sing with the Doodletown Pipers?" They never made me a job offer...
Brian: Yes, but I like to think that if they had, you would have had the good taste to turn them down.

Roy: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian: Exactly.
Roy: I can live with that!

Helen: Oh come on. Lowell and Bunny were so loud they kept you up all night?
Brian: Morning too. I was halfway down the block, I could swear I heard them yodeling.
Helen: Now that doesn't mean anything. My parents used to yodel all the time, and they certainly weren't...
[realizes]
Helen: Oh my God!

Joe: [holding his bloody nose] Thanks a lot, Brian! This guy came here to break YOUR nose!
Brian: Yeah, I know. You're one lucky fella, boy.
Joe: I'm lucky?
Brian: Yeah. If he knew that I stayed over at Lucy's for breakfast, he'd have killed ya.

Joe: When I went to kiss the bride's mother, she gave me the tongue!
[Seeing Brian's reaction]
Joe: You, too?
Brian: I went in to give her a little peck, and got the hors d'oeuvre I never ordered!
Roy: Oh, you guys, too?
[Seeing Brian's and Joe's reactions of disgust]
Roy: What? She's a handsome woman!

Carlton: Are we on the ground?
Brian: No, we crashed and died, and Heaven's really disappointing.

Joe: Give him a break. There's nothing wrong with crying, is there?
Brian: I don't know. What is the deal with men crying these days, is it in or out?
Joe: Uh, let's see: '60s was... love and sex. No reason to cry.
Brian: '70s was... sensitive male. It's okay to cry. '80s was...
Joe: Making money. No crying.
Brian: And what's the '90s?
Joe: No money, no sex, nothing to do BUT cry.

Joe: Brian, you have a flight that's supposed to be leaving. Are you aware that you still work here?
Brian: Yes Joe, I know that. And under no circumstances will I allow my social life to interfere with my duties here.
Joe: Good.
Brian: Which is why I need to take a leave of absence through the weekend.
Joe: All right, all right Brian, I will take your flights. But you know what this means? It means you have to work on Thanksgiving Day.
Brian: Wait okay, lemme get this straight. You mean I get to spend an afternoon frolicking with a beautiful woman, and as punishment I miss out on dried-out turkey, raisin stuffing, and Uncle Wayne making a beard with his mashed potatoes?
Joe: Hey, it's the only way you're gonna learn.

Brian: [waving to an empty cornfield] So long, Shoeless Joe. Well, it's official: I have absolutely no idea where the hell we are.
Lowell: Well, the corn's as high as an elephant's eye. I'd say we're in Iowa.
Brian: That's Oklahoma, you nimrod.
Lowell: [looking at Brian's feet] Well, I may be a nimrod, but at least I'm not the one standing in cow pies.
Joe: [emerging from another section of the cornfield] Well, I couldn't find any signs of life. Any word from Antonio?
Lowell: No, not since he disappeared down that dirt road. Hey, wouldn't it be neat if he got picked up by aliens? This is where it happens, you know: cornfields in Iowa!
Brian: We're not in Iowa!
Lowell: Oh right,*Stinky* thinks we're in Oklahoma!

Joe: Brian, I'm gonna take a pass on Cindy.
Brian: No, no, no, no. Joe, Joe, Joe. I'll tell you straight. If you don't go out with Cindy, then her best friend Gail doesn't go out with me. And Gail is... All right, you remember that fantasy I've had since junior high?
Joe: You're kidding!
Brian: I swear.
Joe: You found a six-foot redheaded Oriental girl?
Brian: And she can COOK, Joe! God love her, she can COOK!