1000 Best House M.D. Quotes
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
Dr. Gregory House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.
Dr. Robert Chase: Oh. I... I... . I thought that maybe it was because you're asking for a leave of absence and wouldn't have time to see a case through.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Thirteen looks at Taub] I didn't say anything.
Dr. Robert Chase: He didn't. I saw an envelope on House's desk with your name on it, so naturally I steamed it open.
Dr. Chris Taub: What's wrong with you? You steam an envelope to keep it secret.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Which is why I just ripped it. You gonna tell us where you're going?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Long pause; Thirteen scoffs] Sure sounds like a "No."
- No, we don't.
- If we did, we'd be one of the ones drawing blood or checking for toxins.
- We're done.
- He's just not gonna cut us loose until we've dusted his shelves and starched his shirt.
- I'm out of here. Who's with me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want to kiss me, don't you?
Dr. Gregory House: I always want to kiss you.
- maybe the problem's in the supply line, airway collapse.
- That could signal autoimmune or some kind of dystrophy as the underlying cause.
- There's only way to find out if her aiwvay failed. Make it happen again.
- Stick thirteen's carpet cleaner on a treadmill, methacholine challenge.
- And someone find the carpet.
- I love him more than anything else in the world.
- You're gonna start paying attention to this case or I'm gonna make things miserable...
- Go back to your son's room.
- I'm not leaving here until you get your ass...
- There's a problem.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You need to talk to Tritter.
Dr. Gregory House: Not according to my lawyer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your lawyer isn't going to be able to get the DA to drop the case. Tritter can.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, you know what else Tritter can do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You are not impressing anyone. You may call yourself principled, but what you really are is a stubborn adolescent idiot! This isn't his fault.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not the one who...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You used the rectal thermometer on him. You insulted him instead of apologizing. You flaunted your drug use in his face and you refused to accept a deal...
Dr. Gregory House: I accepted the deal!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Not until after you stole a dead guy's pills.
Dr. Gregory House: Allegedly.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tritter has been opening doors for you every step of the way and you keep slamming them shut. There are no more openings to give, House. If you wanna stay out of prison, you gotta make one for yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you talking to her? You run out of living people? You can talk to me. I'm right here.
Dr. James Wilson: I miss her. Talking to her makes me feel better. You don't.
- there's not enough pressure to get fluid all the way up.
- Life, we can't create, yet, but pressure's easy.
- We use the same high-pressure waterjet we use to test cardiac workload.
- I mean, he's not gonna be awake to tell us where it hurts, but...
- That's not gonna...
- Do it.
Nadia: [House moves her cup] Why are you doing that?
Dr. Gregory House: More important question is, why are you?
Nadia: [moves her cup back] It's just a habit.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a habit that compels you in an obsessive way that's so bad it's a disorder.
Nadia: I don't have OCD.
Dr. Robert Chase: Each brain with OCD has its own way of filtering it. Some people wash their hands and hoard TV Guides, you do puzzles and hoard memories.
Dr. Gregory House: So what we thought was a gift, was just you literally obsessing over your own life.
Nadia: That's why I can't stop the memories even when I try. But everything else? My kidneys...
Dr. Gregory House: Your memory was a symptom of a symptom of a larger disease. You have McLeod's syndrome. It's rare genetic disorder that affects the nervous system, blood and can cause OCD.
Ezra: I won't consent to any more tests. And if anyone tries to so much as touch me, I'll press charges for assault.
Dr. Gregory House: Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.
Dr. Jessica Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?
Dr. Gregory House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. Guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.
Dr. Jessica Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you.
- When her BP spiked.
- Comparing Taub to her ex-husband. She really hated the guy.
- And her first symptom was when she had a gun to her head.
- Excess adrenaline would explain the seizures and skyrocketing BP.
- A pheochromocytoma.
- Get an mri and find it.
Dr. Gregory House: You either help him live or you help him die! You can't have it both ways.
- That's a first.
- Well, I'll see if he needs breakfast.
Todd: Hey, clance, you hungry?
- Hon, he's not down here.
- You sure?
- Clancy?
- Apparently we're allowed to do this now.
- Get out of here, house.
- Start the patient on plasmapheresis.
- He'll wake up in an hour.
- It's been a pleasure having you in the neighborhood.
Dr. Robert Chase: What's with the sudden interest in her future?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O, he gets curious about who ends up wielding it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here.
- Oh, god.
- It's good news.
- No. It's great.
- Thank you.
- Hi. She's doing great.
- Hi, there.
- That's more of a second-week type activity. We'll do the angiogram.
- I'll meet you in radiology, third roor.
- She was nervous.
- Give her a break.
- And she's not like Cameron.
- True. Cameron had much smaller breasts.
- By which I mean, she was smarter.
Dr. Walter Cofield: [to Chase] You brazenly defied your boss. Now that happened either because Dr. House has established that that's okay in his world or his prank war distracted you or House makes medicine a game and you just wanted to beat him. Whatever the reason, it boils down to the fact that you may never walk again because House created an atmosphere that promotes recklessness.
- Chase: Start the levophed.
- Still dropping, 50 over 10.
- I can't hold BP, even with three pressors.
- I'm losing pulse.
- V-fib.
- Shut the blinds.
- We could also embalm her right here.
Thirteen: I'll call the drugs and you go pick them up.
- If I'm right, she'll be fine.
- Look, I know you don't know her and you don't care about her, but I do.
- Please.
- I thought that was Nadine.
- Her, too.
- Where are you going?
- You still have an hour left.
- Emergency page takes precedence.
- Can you... I don't know how to use the program.
- Then find someone who does.
- I gotta get out of here.
- What do you want?
- When you were young, was she...
- No, not you. Him.
- The man in the wheelchair?
- No. He's old.
- Actually, looks like you.
New: [chuckles] You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
- "and my life span's been cut in half."
- Been waiting two months for her to say that.
- Hallucinations, anemia, bradycardia...
- Hyper segmented polys says that Taub's right.
- Pump her full of b12, see how a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Doesn't sound like me.
Dr. James Wilson: Well it does, actually, but it doesn't mean you're guilty.
- Out!
- Quick, the curtain!
- You're breathing on your own.
- The choking's normal.
- I lied to him. I ran a paternity test.
- Your lie was a bad one.
- He is your dad.
Dr. Gregory House: Relax, I'm not gonna burn you again. I'm going to STAB you!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Patient being prepped for the venous sampling?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah. Mentally ill patient is right on track for a pointless procedure.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, we get your objection.
- I'm sorry.
- We can't talk about this case any more.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why would I be doing all this if I wanted to be private?
[Long pause. Cuddy sighs]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh. I never even asked. Maybe you're not ready yet.
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, you *have* to treat this like a regular case. Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
Dr. Gregory House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.
- Of course I've changed!
- And everything's the leg?
- Nothing's the pills?
- They haven't done a thing to you?
- They let me do my job.
- And they take away my pain.
- I know that you did everything you could.
- I don't need verification from you to know that I'm doing my job well.
- That's your problem, not mine.
- I was just being nice.
- Yeah, well, you don't need to always do that.
- Merry Christmas.
- And of course now, we're onto your real area of expertise.
- I thought we were moving onto yours, bullying your patients into embracing your own lack-of-a-moral...
Claire: Hugo, honey...
- We didn't mean for you to hear any of this.
- Hugo, please.
- So you think drugs are more powerful than parasites?
- I mean, the ones we're gonna give you to treat the parasites obviously are, but I stand by the principle.
- I'm not worried.
- Neither am I.
- Neither am I. But that's because I don't care.
- No. No, she wasn't.
- His vitals seem okay.
- Please, don't hurt her.
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Chase: She's a dominatrix.
- Right, Annette?
- and everybody gets screwed.
- Yeah?
- Well, how about them cheap meningitis drugs they're pawning off in Africa?
- Gonna tell me that ain't racism?
- That's just greed.
- You really wanna screw whitey?
- Be one of the few black men who live long enough to collect social security.
- Take the medicine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're intentionally punishing us.
Dr. Gregory House: By making you do your job? Does sound kinda cruel, doesn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: [On the phone to Wilson's mother] Hi, this is Greg House. Again. Third message. Hopefully indicating how much I want you to call me back. I'd say that your son is dying to increase the urgency, but you probably already know that.
- so he can't even see right from wrong, can't even see the sanctity of a human life any more.
- I loved you, and I loved chase.
- I'm sorry for you both, for who you've become because there's no way back for either of you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home and get dressed. We've got a case.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm taking a personal day.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Twenty-one year old star of the New York Ballet collapsed on stage.
Dr. Gregory House: I love ballet, but as someone may have mentioned, I'm taking a personal day.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cuddy said get your ass in or you're fired.
Dr. James Wilson: Two people are happy and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know she's happy? She tell you?
Dr. James Wilson: No. Chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients lie but usually only one lie at a time.
- She just spent the last five years going south of the border down Mexico way.
- We have our issues, but since dad died, we tell each other the truth when asked directly.
- It's important to us.
- Addicts lie.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] What? You're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Amber] If you were always right, then you wouldn't have just been wrong. Or let the patient mainline nicotine. Or ravaged my anatomical model which Grandma House bought me when I aced my MCATs.
Kutner: A pharmeceutical rep left that here on Tuesday.
Dr. Gregory House: Grandma does some part-time work.
Kutner: The rep was a 30-something babe.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. I got her hips.
Dr. James Wilson: You wanna come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. Gregory House: You're Jewish.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What... what do you care? It's food. It's people.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [When Arlene decides to leave the hospital] I can't believe it. What just happened?
Dr. Gregory House: You just killed her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She would have left the hospital.
Dr. Gregory House: Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think I can control her?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know. I've never seen you try.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life.
Dr. Gregory House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her and it pisses me off.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you taking this personally?
Dr. Gregory House: She leaves, she dies. One day... maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you killed your mother. Get me my patient back.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons.
- Is this significant? Or is this dream just going in a different direction now?
- Guess that depends.
- What are you going to do with that?
- I have to tie this around you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If a human being had actually *looked* at his blood anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer, parasites would have jumped right out at them.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Price of the electronic age.
- getting in the way of the angiogram.
- No human would screw up that big.
- Don't worry.
- Just one more surgery, it'll be fine.
- Thank god!
- Don't make me slap you!
Dr. Gregory House: Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Robert Chase: His neck?
Dr. Gregory House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.
- Can you repair a blender?
- Can you bite me?
- Go search the patient's home.
- Well, thank you, ladies. I've seen a lot of very talented candidates.
- Got a tough decision in the next few days.
- This is the part I hate.
- You just learn to trust nothing.
- Everything you think you feel, everything you think you know, you question every call, play through every whistle.
- I just had a light bulb.
- Maybe.
- You can trust light bulbs.
- I do.
- And now you're telling me that I got to give them up.
- I can always find something else to love.
- Cuddy: House.
- We need to talk.
- Anybody think that a sedative might...
- I'm trying.
- Okay!
- Who's that?
- Who is she?
- Osama bin laden.
- I'm gonna be quiet. Good idea.
- Dugan didn't give you a key?
- If patients know we're coming, they can hide something relevant to their illness, intentionally or unintentionally.
- Their knowledge changes things.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the lawyer after some flames come out of the patient's stomach during surgery] That always happens during surgery. It's the gas build up from the blockage. Nothing to sue about. Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple's. He'll be fine.
- No. Because words don't matter. Actions matter.
- You're really gonna take a stand here?
- You can't say it?
- Because I forgot to grab a "'v.'
- "Lobe" gets you one point.
- One.
- Lift up your chin.
- Sister, you're having an asthma attack.
- I need you to relax.
- Roll up her sleeve, please.
- I'm gonna give you epinephrine.
- It'll open your lungs and help you breathe.
- Joe's apartment is right downstairs in the lab.
- Foreman brought back samples of everything.
- What was that, "who wants to go next"?
- Some kind of test?
- Don't worry. You made the right call.
- Foreman stumbled into whatever it is without knowing.
- And he's way smarter than you are.
Martha: Can someone please explain to me what House and Wilson are doing with those chickens?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: They have a bet to see who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest without getting busted by security. Advancing past the vertebral artery.
Martha: And why are they doing this?
Dr. Eric Foreman: The place they bought them only had one pig.
Dr. Amber Volakis: [When House is crawling on the bathroom floor to get a pill] You're pathetic. If you want the pill, just send her home, but you can't because that would be admitting defeat to her. Now this is interesting. If you take the pill, you don't deserve her. If you secretly take the pill, you don't deserve anyone.
Dr. Gregory House: Slippery slope. Today, we withhold porn, tomorrow, it's clean bandages.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know. It's a sausage-fest.
Dr. Gregory House: Sausage-fest implies multiples. Now if you're talking yardage, I'd have to agree.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.
Dr. Gregory House: It's coming along.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've had plenty of time to find someone.
Dr. Gregory House: I've found plenty of someones, just haven't kept them.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's time to end the cycle. Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.
Dr. Gregory House: This doctor is not a doctor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.
Dr. Gregory House: Should be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This isn't a suggestion.
Dr. Gregory House: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. I get to do that because I'm your boss.
Dr. Gregory House: [about the babysitter Alice's mom hired] She a 15-year-old pharmacist? Or is it just some kid down the street who need $20 bucks for lip gloss and a couple of Tiger Beats?
- Yeah, the hand of god reached into this kid's pants, made him have sex so he could scratch a rash and stick his fingers in some woman's face, give her a few extra months.
- Come on, he's just another liar and manipulator.
- Well, nobody's as perfect as you are.
- It is possible to believe in something and still fail to live up to it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House checks things in Rachel's diaper with chopsticks] Is everything okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Sorry, just new to all this.
- he'd be satisfied painting houses instead of the starry night.
- Van gogh would still be making inspired paintings of the night sky, just maybe not from the room of his asylum.
- You don't know that.
- I know both his ears would be intact.
- And I know his life would be better.
- Give the phone back, seriously, man.
- I got a page.
- No, you didn't.
- They called a code.
- No, they didn't.
- You got a page, but not from us.
Dr. Gregory House: [House opens the door after Martha knocks] Martha M. Masters? I'm Doctor House. This is the rest of the team: Boring, Bimbo and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson is at his desk in his office writing letters and putting them into envelopes. House enters the room] Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony?
[Wilson ignores House]
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, mail can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact.
Dr. James Wilson: [angry tone] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
Dr. Gregory House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Dr. James Wilson: [yells] 3 hours!
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody die?
Dr. James Wilson: Not this time!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want.
[sits on the couch]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...
Dr. James Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Dr. James Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need any help.
Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter's doing... to us.
[gets up to leave]
Dr. James Wilson: [laughs humorously] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer.
[House leaves; Wilson continues his work]
- If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.
- You have tularemia from your rabbits.
- I put you on antibiotics.
- You'll be better in a couple of days.
- Sorry to spoil the mystery.
- Thank you.
Juan: They broke you!
Dr. Gregory House: They didn't break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life.
- Here you are.
- Rib eye, medium rare.
- Thank you.
- Some more Pinot grigio?
- No. I think I will switch to the syrah.
- There's no way to prevent a fat embolism.
- Even if you'd done this in an or, you couldn't have saved her.
Dr. James Wilson: [House and Wilson are discussing Wilson's date with Cuddy the night before] Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: [House looks him over] Yes you did!
Dr. James Wilson: Yes... I did.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
- showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date, and fantasizing about me in the shower.
- That ship sailed long ago, house.
- Get over it.
- If you're still referring to your ass,
- I think that supertanker sailed would be the more precise metaphor.
- We had no choice.
- The sed rate pointed to lupus.
- And the Ana ruled it out!
- Doctors!
- Legs hurt?
- I can't feel them at all. I don't think
- I can move them.
- Maybe her first reaction was right.
- We were just two people who were in proximity and found each other attractive, and I never should have...
- Paranoia. You felt something real. So did she.
- Don't try to take it back now.
- Can I borrow your car?
- Then call my parents. They know him, and they'll take responsibility, do whatever you need.
- I can't. It won't...
- You can't just let him sit here in agony until his parents finally decide...
- Leah, it's okay.
- No, it's not.
- I feel like there's an anvil sitting on my chest.
- That's weird.
- I just filled this prescription a couple days ago.
- There's another bottle here.
- Don't bother.
- Hank wiggen stole your pills.
- He tried to kill himself.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Since when does House hang out at OTB?
Dr. Eric Foreman: The man's an addict.
Dr. Robert Chase: Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling. They all fire up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is...
Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.
Dr. Gregory House: [as he enters his office] It does when I win.
- It was a field trip. One of the kids had a fake ID.
- But, dad, you know Abby. Tell him.
- I know what she's like when the two of you are around me, but...
- If you're right, the tests will come back negative.
- Can you give her a message?
- I brought her homework.
- And I love her.
Dr. Gregory House: She's dying of guilt. Feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean not the dumping part, but now the part where she'll let me do whatever I want.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad enough, and now your only goal is to take advantage.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not true. I got plenty of goals. One of them is a 60 inch flatscreen right there.
Dr. James Wilson: You're a lot of things, House. But you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who won't fight back.
- She thinks I'm a prostitute on her turf.
- Showing weakness is what gets you killed.
- Why would she think you're a prostitute?
- I'm in a dump with a guy almost twice my age.
- What else is she gonna think?
- How old do you think I am?
Dr. Chris Taub: House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.
- It's their relationship that's on your mind.
- That's why you've been thinking about this case.
- Relationships.
- Lost one with Wilson, gained one with alvie...
- House: Not exactly.
- Alvie!
Marta: [Watching House and Cuddy argue] No wonder she hates him.
Nona: Mmm. That's not hate. It's foreplay.
- No! I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- You're right.
- Seriously?
- You're a jerk.
- Night, Wilson.
- Night, house.
- Anybody else sick at work?
- I had a stomachache before him.
- This isn't your fault, will.
- Keep working.
- My brother's in the hospital.
- Mrs. Collier won't care if I finish my homework.
- Your brother cares if you finish your homework.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Spider bite doesn't explain anything unless the patient was actually bitten by a spider. I'll do the exam.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be ridiculous. That would be inappropriate. It'd be better if a woman gropes her. There's no sexual tension that way.
- He needs you in his life.
- Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you.
- Without you...
- You can't go backwards.
- I can't fix his problem.
- I am his problem.
Audrey: [about their daughter] Nick, you know about her problem with auditory processing.
Nick: Auditory processing? That's code for "I can't stand thinking my daughter's not perfect."
- You're risking your patient's life.
- That's how medical fact changes.
- A doctor risks...
- To serve their patient's health, not their own.
- This is medically justified.
- Are you sure? Are you sure that you're the right one to be making this call?
- With a tripod?
- With a sex tape.
- We'll send it to Wilson.
- It's a win-win.
- We get to do it again, and he might actually learn something.
[Whispering] It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
- It's probably nothing.
- Stay here.
Thirteen: [watching the soap opera] It's not the tongue, it's the dialog... I think I dated that nurse, though...
Thirteen: [Taub and House lean closer to the TV] No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where's House?
Nick: It's like trying not to think of an elephant. Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts in fact, all... all...
[Nick chuckles]
Nick: homo sapiens.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House isn't here.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, he wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy the...
[the darkened control room lights up to reveal House sitting there]
- I'm sorry about the monster trucks.
- No, I think it's great.
- You're giving back.
- Only thing is, digitalis, it would only explain the later symptoms, not the original ones.
Dr. Gregory House: [to his team] Okay, new plan. We make a list of all the bars between here and the crash site. Find out where I went, we go there...
Dr. Chris Taub: On it.
[he, Kutner and Thirteen begin to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: You're not going to do anything, are you?
Thirteen: We're going to go to the ER and do our jobs.
Dr. Gregory House: Someone is dying because I can't remember...
Dr. Chris Taub: When you remember, you can page us.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.
- but the plasmapheresis got rid of those.
- So, basically, you've got a disease, but there's no way to prove it.
- It's pretty cool, huh?
- What is that?
- This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis.
- Satisfied?
- Fine.
- Roll up your sleeve.
- Christmas Eve.
- Yeah, I know.
- Deal expires tomorrow.
- You have plans for tonight?
- You worried I'm going to be popping more pills?
- Thought you might prefer people over pills.
Dr. Gregory House: Lies are like children: they're hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.
Dr. Gregory House: My diagnostic test worked. It proved the patient had a steroid-induced psychosis.
Dr. Walter Cofield: And that's what you took away from this situation?
Dr. Gregory House: The brain was not a symptom of an underlying disease.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Your colleague was stabbed. Are you telling me you didn't care?
- You allergic to anything?
- Guard!
- You're going into anaphylactic shock.
- Guard!
- Damn it.
- I gotta make a hole, so you can breathe.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. Gregory House: Why not? She likes that.
Dr. Gregory House: Wake up. It's not as bad as what happened to you, I don't think. I don't know what happened to you. But given how lousy you're responding, I assume it was worse than getting abused by your grandmother.
Eve: What did she do to you?
Dr. Gregory House: My parents traveled a lot, and they'd leave me with her. She liked things the way she liked them. And she believed in discipline. She was right, I suppose, because I hardly ever screwed up when she was around. Too scared of being forced to sleep in the yard or take a bath in ice. Your turn.
Eve: Your parents, they... they never stopped her?
Dr. Gregory House: I never told them.
- I can't just leave her
- 'cause I'm tired.
- But you can't stay for her, either.
- But she needs me here.
- This is your life.
- You can't do this just for her.
- I love her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No. No one's gonna die.
Kama: [sarcastically] In the whole world ever? That's so great.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [chuckles] I meant...
Kama: I know what you meant.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Three days ago, you said "no."
Dr. Gregory House: Three days ago, you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [sarcastically, to Foreman, about House] So, you're in charge of us because you're in charge of him?
- Julie, surface now!
Julie: Help! Shark!
- Please don't scare me like that.
- What? You said we should bond.
Julie: Look what I found!
Niles: You're not supposed to take anything off the wreck.
- I needed somebody around here with street smarts.
- Okay? Who knows when they're being conned, knows how to con.
- I should sue you.
- Pretty sure you can't sue somebody for wrongful hiring.
- But I'm pretty sure I can sue if you fire me for not breaking into some lady's house.
[seeing a photo of a pretty fitness trainer]
Dr. Gregory House: Wow! Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.
Ed: [looking at a book jacket] Wait, hang on a second. This guy is you. I saw a profile Nova did on you. You're like the youngest guy to ever graduate MIT.
James: Standards were lower back then.
- Just a bag of cells and waste with an expiration date.
- You wanted to act out, you wanted people to notice.
- Maybe you even prayed for a different answer this time.
- I got a title for your piece.
- "It doesn't mean anything."
- Said I wouldn't.
- Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.
- Stop the radiation.
- What the hell is that?
- I have no idea.
- And so you were screwed over by your wife, your mother, your partner.
- But you keep sending them
- Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else!
- No more Christmas cards.
- No, I learned.
- People like you, even your actions lie.
[House argues with Cuddy to get out of clinic duty]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm gonna win because I got a head start: You are already miserable.
- and maybe with a little bit of truth.
- But you didn't.
- So I can only assume that you don't want to know the reason.
- You're afraid to know.
- You're not listening to me, are you?
- Try it sometime, you'll see why.
- No, not if you like the smell of urine.
- Of course, why should I trust someone who lies about what he's doing Friday night?
- Question is, what are you really doing Friday night?
- Or more to the point, what could possibly be better than monster trucks?
- Or are we breaking up?
- I feel the same.
- He's fine. You're fine.
- Thank god!
- House: What do you mean, thank god?
- God's the guy who gave it to him.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We are gonna use this machine to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through the filter like the filter in a fish tank. So it's kinda cool actually.
- The shape of this isn't.
- Eat this.
- I don't feel like eating.
- It'll make you better.
- A sandwich?
- Magic sandwich.
- There's no such thing as...
- Just take a damn bite, okay, kid?
- Slow, deep breaths.
- I can't.
- Lue?
- Oh, my god. Lue?
- Lue, wake up!
- Wake up, lue! Come on!
Carnell: Please don't.
Dr. Gregory House: [shoots the door with an arrow] That is a nice bow.
Carnell: That was a nice door.
Dr. Gregory House: Put it on my tab. What say we take it up a notch?
[throws an apple to Carnell]
Carnell: Yeah, right. Very funny.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't trust me?
Carnell: No!
Sarah: I'll do it.
[takes an apple from Carnell]
Dr. Gregory House: And we have a gamer.
Carnell: Oh, come on, man. You can't be serious.
[Sarah smiles and puts an apple on her head]
Dr. Gregory House: Why not? Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away.
- obviously hate people?
- Oedipal fixation.
- I was seeking my mother's love and she thought that Ben Casey was just the dreamiest...
- Okay, fine. You don't think you'll need any more answers from me?
- Give me a hard time.
- Hey. This wine?
- All right. Very good.
- There, we got this...
Woman: String beans?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Where were you two when the guy woke up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Ahm... we just... stepped out for a second.
Dr. Eric Foreman: To do what?
Dr. Robert Chase: To get a coffee, we've been up most of the night.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's just pushing to make sure we have a complete history. Obviously, we're missing something or we'd have the answer.
[Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can me move on?
[Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing]
Dr. Eric Foreman: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Dr. Robert Chase: [defensive] She did me once!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She was stoned!
[continues laughing]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Foreman] You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail if it saves my life!
[last lines]
Dr. Jessica Adams: [written on paper] You were right!
[House reads and smiles]
- So prove it and dump him. Again.
- You're pretty much insufferable all the time, aren't you?
- Sorry. Go on. And yes.
- We just reconnected, we have no idea where we're headed.
- But is it really too much to ask that you give us a chance to find out?
- I'm sure I'll be seeing you around.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This was your plan all along!
[chuckles]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, at least the games are over.
Dr. Gregory House: How long have you known me?
Dr. Robert Chase: [as they're following a car] In the lab, there is significantly less chance of getting killed. You're too close. Slow down.
Thirteen: We're in a car in broad daylight. What's going to happen?
Dr. Robert Chase: You honestly think he doesn't have a gun in that car?
Thirteen: You think he's going to shoot doctors?
Dr. Robert Chase: Just... back off.
Della: Cold's nothing when I think of what Hugo goes through everyday.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. I get it. Your brother - the saint. His sister - the martyr.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is he having an affair?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why should I believe you?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You shouldn't. You should believe him.
- Thank you.
- That's it?
- You're not going to tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?
- You want me to?
- No.
- Would it make any difference?
- No.
- Good luck, Dr. Foreman.
Ms. Urwin: Wait. So you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
Dr. Gregory House: ...Well, when you say it like that - yes.
Female: Looks like you're the moron.
- You don't like her shoes, you like her legs.
- It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.
- Less creepy, more gay.
- That's my firm's motto.
- What is a cryostat?
- No idea. Whoever fixed ours is about to get stiffed.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cameron, you are an excellent doctor. You'll get lots of tearful thank-yous from grateful patients.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, am I such a bitch for wanting that?
Dr. Allison Cameron: What do you think House would send, the "Gentle Comfort" arrangement, or the "Warm Thoughts" bouquet? I mean, if he wasn't an ass.
Dr. Robert Chase: Send one of those giant cookies shaped like a coffin. His mom would believe it was from him.
Dr. Chi Park: Violence isn't an appropriate way to handle conflict. It was a moment of weakness.
Dr. Gregory House: You barked at me, picked a fight with a painting crew. Maybe it's time to recognize it's not a character flaw. Maybe it's your character.
- You can thank me later.
- I'm all in.
- All right.
- Fom. Jesus.
Sam: Nervous?
- I'm getting there. I'm getting some nervousness.
- Please don't die.
- Please don't die.
- She's awake.
Lucas: [to Cuddy as he enters the clinic] What a bitch.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing here?
Lucas: Sounded like you were going to be too busy for lunch, so my specialty...
[holds up a brown paper bag]
Lucas: spinach lasagna.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sure you didn't come looking for more people you could brag about our sex life to?
Lucas: Okay. Sorry. From now on, I got nothing but bad things to say about our sex life.
[Cuddy gives him a look]
Lucas: Or nothing to say.
- We needed her heart rate to rise, so I provoked you.
- You can't play with people like that.
- Maybe if I explained to Nadia...
- No, it doesn't matter.
- It's just one more fight for her to remember.
- Guess you're both bitches.
- Don't go towards the light.
- You'll fall and break your hip.
Dr. Gregory House: People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones.
Thirteen: [after Valerie makes accusations of sexual harassment towards Thirteen] She's trying to make me lose my license.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And she'll fail unless you're stupid enough to go in there and scream at her.
Thirteen: Sexual harassment accusations are incredibly serious.
Dr. Eric Foreman: If she made them anonymously, the case goes away. If she used her name, we all back you up, it goes away. You're completely overreacting.
Thirteen: You'd be pissed off too if you were me. Or maybe not, I don't know. You're just about as emotional as she is.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm doing you a favor.
Thirteen: I know, and even when you try to do something nice, you sound like a jerk.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm sorry.
Thirteen: For what?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Firing you.
Thirteen: Don't do that, that's not what this is about.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then I'll apologize anyway. I did it for me. Not for you. I realized that right after I fired you, but I couldn't admit it. Screwed everything up. I hope that we can still work together.
- You're not ready.
- There was a third choice.
- "Don't do what I asked."
- You could have defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics, but you didn't.
- Because you still trust my judgment more than your own.
Dr. Gregory House: She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.
Dr. Jessica Adams: [to Chase about Moira] You're not gonna operate on her.
Dr. Robert Chase: Kapur and Carlyle are unavailable. Reilly's done far fewer dissections than I have.
Dr. Chris Taub: He's also slept with her far fewer times than you have.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Your judgment's compromised.
Dr. Robert Chase: I spent the night with her. Doesn't change how I make an incision.
Dr. Jessica Adams: [to House] Tell him!
Dr. Gregory House: Do the surgery.
Dr. Jessica Adams: You're trying to score points with him at the risk of a patient's life.
Dr. Gregory House: He's the better surgeon.
- You diagnosed my dad by just looking at him.
- I felt his glands, too.
- Well, there's my dad.
- I've got to go.
- Yeah, me, too.
- And, you really don't have to wait a couple of years to return my calls.
- Just six months, till I turn 18.
- House: Rachel.
- How many coins did you eat?
Dr. Gregory House: I noticed a trend: if nobody does anything, sick people often get sicker.
- I'm good.
- You never told me what caused your accident.
- I was stabbed by a patient.
- That'll teach me to overbill.
Dr. Gregory House: Long-term relationships are based at a compatibility, right? Now, we only have sex.
Dr. James Wilson: House, you don't actually think she'd dump you just because you, what? You don't do yoga? Listen do the B-52's?
Dr. Gregory House: Not right away. We'll fight. Make up sex. Fight. Maybe sex. And THEN she'll dump me. With a possible goodbye sex.
Dr. James Wilson: So, instead of enjoying the honeymoon fase, you've decided to skip entirely.
Dr. Gregory House: I need to find something we both like doing, besided each other.
Dr. James Wilson: Right, or you can just talk to her about it.
Dr. Gregory House: No, then she'll start pretending to like things that she really doesn't just to make me feel better, which will make her feel even worse, which won't be my fault, so I'll resent her, and that won't be her fault, so she'll resent me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sorry for your loss.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not my loss.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Then I'm sorry you don't think it is.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can't do this.
[leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Drama queen.
Dr. Gregory House: [In a soothing voice] Are there any masses causing an obstruction?
Dr. Chris Taub: No. Are you okay?
Dr. Gregory House: [Still in soothing voice] Just talking in a soothing voice. Not for your benefit. Why is it turning you on?
- You would have made a great mother.
- You son of a bitch.
- When I was getting a baby, you told me I'd suck as a mother.
- Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother.
- Why do you need to negate everything?
- I don't know.
- Still can't sleep?
- I'm fine.
- Can I do anything to help you?
Hannah: Just go back to sleep.
- I'm going to go get a glass of wine.
- I can keep you company.
- You have work in the morning.
- Are you sure you don't want me to?
- I'll be right back. Just sleep.
- I won't consent to any more tests.
- And if anyone tries to so much as touch me,
- I'll press charges for assault.
- You heard the man.
- He wants everyone to leave him alone.
- Why don't you go first?
- Get out!
Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but shoes always tell the truth.
- Foreman: First he'll compliment her hair.
- That's how he breaks the ice.
- Next comes some kind ofjoke or story.
- He's sharpening his harpoon...
- Are my moves this predictable?
- She's grabbing his arm, he's going in for the kill...
- Woman: [On pa] All departing passengers for flight number 870, the plane will be delayed by one half-hour.
- We apologize for any inconvenience.
- I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.
- Go to the patient's old workshop, look for causative toxic brain damage.
- Go take a new history, and see if there's any lifestyle change that would explain the atherosclerosis.
- Yeah. A little.
- Okay. 'Cause we'll need to leave the chair outside.
- Thank you.
- Where's April? April?
- Can you take that chairr? Thank you.
- April: Yes, Robert.
- I'll need to take your mask and your robe, too.
- You might wanna block your ears for this, it's quite loud.
- After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky. Looks like you're up.
- I'm ovulating. Let's go.
- The frisky, it went away.
- House, this isn't a game.
- If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
- If I forget about my carpet can I have her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [speaking to Wilson and Cameron who are arguing] One of you is probably right. Why not we hold the sniping until we found that which?
Dr. Gregory House: I check this box, and your next roommates are gonna be Jesus and Crazy McLoonyBin.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm looking to get something on House.
Dr. Robert Chase: Couldn't you just... ask the love nmyphs for the secret?
Dr. James Wilson: Don't! My mission - is to find something that House would not like to see made public and make it public.
Dr. Robert Chase: Him? But you know him better than anyone. Why wouldn you need my help?
Dr. James Wilson: House would never leave anything secret around the condo. But you've worked in the same office with him on and off for years.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, look at the time. It's half past "Taub was lying about Kutner."
Dr. Chris Taub: He probably went to a comic book fest, spent the night at some Wonder Woman's lair. I'm sure he'll...
Dr. Gregory House: Find out what or who he's doing. Either way, Cuddy's gonna want me to write it under "reason for termination."
- Right. He's wasting your precious time, so you decided to waste mine.
- How thoughtful.
- I'm in a wheelchair, so I can't examine him all the way up there.
- Hop down. My life is just one horror after another.
- Open.
- Does it look like it hurts?
- Well, hey, whoever's doing that better cut it out!
- What the hell's going on?
- Maybe there's a short somewhere, the floor's covered with beer.
- No way, no, the outlets are gfi, plus he's got rubber-soled shoes on.
Katrina: Oh, my god!
Taddy: Somebody call 911!
Kendall: It has nothing to do with anybody - except me. The other racers would think I was crazy. I'd set off on some tacking angle that made no sense to them because they couldn't see what I saw. I could sense the changes in the wind - before they happened... Top of the game - you play by different rules.
- Maybe there's another way.
- Brain-computer interface, better known as bci.
- The goal is to get you to move that cursor with your mind.
- When you think "up", the computer records the pattern.
- Think "up" enough times, it eventually learns what you're thinking.
- So, start thinking "up."
Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen] Doctors often try to ignore their symptoms because they think they can't get sick. If you've got something going on, I need you to take care of it.
Thirteen: And I take your compassion entirely at face value.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not compassion. It's self interest. I want my team healthy.
Thirteen: It's not self interest. It's curiosity. I dropped a file, House. I start bleeding from the eyes, I'll be sure to make an appointment.
Scott: So e... exactly h... how sick are you gonna make Matty?
Dr. Wilson: He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form.
Dr. Wilson: It's a little more complicated than that. We'll also be doing leukapheresis. We run Matty's blood through a machine that filters out his white blood cells.
Claudia: But without his white cells, how can he get better in time?
Dr. Wilson: We'll pump the white blood cells back as soon as we have a diagnosis. Then we should be able to cure the infection in time to do the transplant.
Scott: But you can't guarantee?
Dr. Gregory House: We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away?
Dr. Robert Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.
Dr. Robert Chase: You guys don't think it's weird House knew the patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?
Dr. Allison Cameron: That's House. He knows things.
Dr. Robert Chase: But usually he's putting it in our face, telling us how cleverly he figured it out. This time, nothing. Just "I had a hunch."
Dr. James Wilson: [walking with House down hallway] Maybe your father's feelings were conditional. Not everyone's...
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, well, of course that would play into your romantic vision of human...
Dr. James Wilson: In terms you would understand, we have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring. Our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.
Dr. Gregory House: Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.
- I did an lp, too. Low glucose, and he has an increased sed rate.
- Everything screams tuberculosis!
- Not everything!
- If any of the symptoms are caused by the tb, it would throw off our diagnosis.
- You're right.
- We gotta treat the tb.
- Who knows?
- Maybe he'll just get better.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- And Wilson's.
- Wherever they are, they don't want to be disturbed.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Jessica] She's not a baby. She's 10!
Dr. Eric Foreman: And you figure making her feel like crap would do her a world of good?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, if it gets her off the couch.
Dr. Robert Chase: Good morning gentlemen.
[Chase chuckles]
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, if it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either.
Dr. James Wilson: [while talking to House on the phone] Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine...?
Dr. James Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
- I fixed blender.
- So I see.
- I had fun seducing hooker's fake fiance.
- Sorry it didn't work.
- Yeah. I thought I'd take a break from the whole hooker thing.
- I think maybe you need milkshake. Is pistachio.
- Penza: Clear!
- Charging. Clear!
- Okay, I'm calling it.
- Time of death, 8:32.
- I can't go in there, can I?
- Your infection would kill him.
- So, I won't be able to be with him when he dies?
- You'll be able to be with him when he gets better.
- What's wrong?
- It really itches.
- I figure that gives you about 10 minutes.
- Here, Mr. Koplovitz's chafl, go.
- Hello, Saul. I heard you were looking for me.
- I'm very tired, but I can't sleep.
- Today's your lucky day. I happen to be a sleep specialist.
- Thanks, doc.
- he was there the whole time.
- Except the first time you were diagnosed.
- You broke up with him and you had to go through all of that alone.
- Maybe that's the real reason you're doing this piece, so that this time, you can have him with you.
- You still could.
- You're doing great.
- Here comes the liquid.
- Foreman: Taub.
- Isfipped.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- Her skin came off.
- But your cohort managed to restart it.
- But he has not regained consciousness.
- So, since I have you all here, we should probably talk about your actual patient.
- Clear fluid from the lungs indicates that it's probably not cancer.
- So it would be nice if we could come up with a new idea.
Dr. Gregory House: The self-important jerk does not have transverse myelitis. He's got cancer.
Dr. James Wilson: How do you even -?
Dr. Gregory House: Ok! Maybe I paid the redhead down in records a few bucks to cc me on all your cases. A few patients die, you might get sad again. Make a speech that would end your career. Frankly, I'm stalking you for you.
- You can tell all the ladies at the mikvah about this.
- What did you do?
- What are you doing?
- Put your hand here. Press hard.
- It won't work. He needs muscle relaxants to be on the ventilator.
- Only one more way to tell.
- Pupillary reflexes.
- All that tests is the brain stem.
- See, I was right.
- Only one way to tell.
- Do somatosensory evoked potentials.
- I just said, we can't do that while he's in a coma.
- So wake him up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Nowhere. Staying right here so we can properly discuss this.
[leaves his office]
- but I don't think I know her.
- Great.
- Say, I like that jacket.
- Yeah, it's all coming to me now.
- I know where she keeps her stuff.
- Just bats.
- I thought the lining would be thicker.
Dr. James Wilson: Terminal kid trumps your stuffy nose.
- Cuddy likes bold.
- Yeah, you're right, if you spoke, you'd just say something stupid.
- Yeah, I mean I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.
[to Cameron]
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get so close, now that I know your plan.
- The kit. Give me the kit.
- Mccreaney: All right.
- No breath sounds on the left side. Tension pneumothorax.
- Hey, Hanna.
- One of your lungs has collapsed.
- I'm gonna have to reinflate it, okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Knowing too much about each other is *exactly* why people leave small towns and move to city.
Dr. Chris Taub: And a lot of people choose to stay behind in return for zero privacy, you get community, connection.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds.
- I can't breathe.
- I'm tired all the time.
- I get skin rashes and heart palpitations and insomnia.
- It's a cool constellation of symptoms.
- It could be something minor.
- At least, compared to life in prison, which is what you seem to prefer to seeing 16 more specialists.
- Shut up and do your job.
[Chuckles] Oh, yeah.
- Seems weird, right?
- 'Cause sex with James is fantastic.
- Nobody works harder to give a woman what she wants.
- It's got six burners.
- The chef's oven.
- Right.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Whitney] You didn't know you were pregnant?
Whitney: How do you... You know that just from the headache?
Dr. Gregory House: How do I know? I missed my period. I got fat, threw up. Oh no, wait. That's how you know.
- I wanted to be.
- Well, that's not enough.
- I can do better.
- I don't think you can.
- You'll choose yourself over everybody else, over and over again, because that's just who you are.
- that when you find you're wrong about the most important decisions you've made, you get insecure and you just retrench.
- If you wanna mess up your relationship that's your right, but you mess this up, our patient dies.
- Switch him to steroids.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on.
Dr. Robert Chase: Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House, this is Dr. Kelly Benedict, your new fellow.
Dr. Kelly Benedict: [stands and offers House her hand, but he ignores it] Nice to meet you. Um, I just finished my psychiatry residency at St. Jude's and I loved studying the mind, but I thought I could make more of a difference, or at least...
Dr. Gregory House: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.
- Squeeze her spleen, we need to force some platelets out so her blood clots.
- She's in weak shape, spleen's friable, it could rupture.
- Woman: She's stabilizing, oozing's drying up.
- And I hate visitor's day.
- Removing the fetus.
- And you will feed me information as long as you need me.
- I spoke with Cameron because if I have alternatives,
- I don't need you.
- She's not gonna rat on house.
- Foreman never said anything about talking to me?
- Interesting, huh?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you did your morning run, and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.
Dr. Gregory House: [Turns back and yells] I thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry about it. We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them.
- I didn't know you knew Dr. Taub.
- I don't.
- You saw the ads.
- Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday.
- And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right?
Martha: How could you do what you did?
Ramon: That's why we have beliefs. So we can still see the right thing to do, when we're blinded with doubt and fear. Our beliefs define us. If we lose them, who are we?
- We need to run an anca panel to confirm first.
- Putting him on plasmapheresis could make him bleed out.
- Mpa can progress quickly.
- We may not have time before it reaches his lungs.
- I think you're right, thus confirming my objectivity.
- Start the treatment.
Dr. Gregory House: She's the smart one. I just keep Dark and Darker to fill out the quota.
- You're not really siblings.
- We have the same father!
- You didn't fight in the backseat on car trips.
- You didn't change each other's diapers.
- You guys just met and fell in love.
- The way you feel, that hasn't changed.
- Last week, chase said that I was the de facto boss.
- Hospitals don't recognize de facto medical licenses.
- Let's start with genetic tests.
- Get an EKG, cardiac oath and an echo to check the integrity of his heart.
- I'll start on blood samples.
- I think we just hit the environmental mother lode.
- Funny she never mentioned an entire basement full of dangerous chemicals and drugs.
- You think she'd even let
- Emily down here?
- Yeah.
- And apparently a lot.
- There is no risk to a cortisol injection.
- If I'm wrong, big deal.
- He goes home a vegetable like he already is, but if I'm right...
- This is not about downsides or risk management.
- It is a big deal for you to understand the word "no."
- I'm sorry, house.
Dr. Gregory House: Clinic's been quarantined. Patient came in with Avian Flu-like symptoms and 50 extra dollars in spending money.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Everything in society tells us we have to be thin to be successful.
Dr. Robert Chase: No, society tells you you have to be thin to be attractive. And guess what, that's what attractive means: that society likes looking at you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I think we should be telling our kids it's fine as long as they're healthy.
Dr. Robert Chase: All right. You weigh 90 pounds because it makes you healthier?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Forget it. He's just cranky because he's the one who's going to get the axe.
Moira: Jeff is in the Lucas wing. If Mr. Lucas showed up needing a lumbar puncture, would he have to wait until tomorrow?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Mr. Lucas is dead.
Moira: Good, then there's an opening.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Darrien had to shoot that kid. It was the right thing - completely justified. But it didn't matter. She destroyed her life trying to forget.
[Thirteen starts to cry]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm afraid that's what's going to happen to me.
- subsection 2.2, paragraph one.
- "Accidental fire damage."
- In which case you'd have to replace the entire water line to fix the sagging pipe.
- I guess so.
- I'd hate to have your next-door neighbors end up with no hot water.
- Lucky the fire skipped your pipes entirely.
- But this means there's an infection.
- First we need to identify it.
- We know it's in her liver, so we'll get a sample.
- Then we can figure out how to help her get better.
- I had this baby because I wanted a chance to be a special mom, but not this way.
Dr. Chi Park: But it could end up causing another cardiac arrest.
Dr. Gregory House: Hopefully, and we'll know what set it off.
Dr. Robert Chase: What he means is, it's better to do it here where we can revive him than have it happen somewhere else.
Dr. Gregory House: The prodigal son has returned.
[House hugs Chase]
- That's the other good thing about this.
- There's literally thousands of possible infections, but only a handful of autoimmune conditions.
- We'll have the answer in a few hours.
Nick: Hey, doctor?
- Is this bad?
- There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request.
- It means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.
- I've come a long way, baby.
- Now if you would only hire a new team member...
- I'm on it.
- Sir, are you all right?
- He's drunk.
Dr. James Wilson: You really, really need to get some...
Dr. Gregory House: [cutting him off] Oh I get some "some" all the time. That's why I always need to borrow "some" money.
Dr. Chi Park: Have you ever paid for sex?
Dr. Chris Taub: Every guy who has ever seen a Merchant-Ivory movie has paid for sex
- We can't know anything for sure until the biopsy comes back.
- Wilson: It stings, I know.
Moira: No, he wants the tube out.
- I can't do that, Jeff.
- Wilson: If you wanna say something, you've gotta write it down. Okay?
- Here.
- I don't want to say anything.
- I don't want him to ask.
- Not now.
- Kutner... we're all a little freaked out.
- We go home, we just want to hug someone.
- We just want to know everything's gonna be okay.
- I don't want him to propose just because he's scared.
- but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
- It's a birthday.
- It's an excuse to be happy.
- You think that's lame?
- Why are you here?
- Did you buy me a pony?
- I'm just waiting for the surgery.
- Yeah, well, go scrub in.
Dr. Gregory House: How long were you gonna wait before you told me?
Dr. James Wilson: I thought we already had the 'Santa Claus' talk.
Dr. Gregory House: This is going to be personal, isn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview.
Dr. James Wilson: Why would I...?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House which means it has to be somebody who actually likes House, which means it's either you or the weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards.
Dr. James Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give him...
Dr. James Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms.
Ed: Why would sh-she lie if she knew it could kill her?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. Robert Chase: Extremely obese patients can get a fat embolus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Right, after they get liposuction which she's clearly never had.
Dr. Robert Chase: How do you know?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because we have her medical records and because no plastic surgeon in his right mind is going to give a 10-year-old liposuction!
Dr. Robert Chase: Have you ever met a plastic surgeon who was in their right mind?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Emma] The machine is breathing for her. I can do whatever I want to her lungs. If you're playing catch in the living room and you break your mother's vase you might as well keep playing catch. The vase is already broken.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, except that room can't breathe without that vase.
- Twenty-eight-year-old male, single gunshot wound to the right temple.
Thirteen: No pulse.
- Foreman: Alert Princeton-plainsboro, have a trauma unit ready.
- His pupils are dilated, his head's swollen.
- Still no pulse. Come on, kutner!
- Let me try.
Dr. Gregory House: If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're convinced your patient is dying and you wanna waste your time with a sex fantasy?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't blame me, blame my gender.
- You couldn't be more different and yet, you have this good thing happening.
- You support each other, you like each other.
- Don't let house screw it up.
- We're not that different.
- Yeah, you are.
[Chuckling] I don't remember most of the people who were at our wedding.
- Which is why
- I thought I'd ask the love of my life to marry me.
- We're already married.
- I want to be better at it.
- Well, that's beautiful.
Dr. Gregory House: [obnoxiously] You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar: [keeping her cool] Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. James Wilson: [desperate to change the subject] Uh... uh...
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
Dr. Gregory House: I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually... I'm only half Jewish.
Dr. Gregory House: Listen to me. Do you have any idea of what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a jail.
Ali: You're only saying that to make me go.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm saying it 'cause it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor. Is there a Victor in your class?
[Ali shakes her head]
Dr. Gregory House: If you're not with... someone your age, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Ali: What about us?
Dr. Gregory House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you--
[sees Ali's milky tears]
Dr. Gregory House: Damn.
- you're looking for your new charity case.
- That's why you're going out with me.
- I'm twice your age.
- I'm not great-looking.
- I'm not charming. I'm not even nice.
- What I am is what you need.
- I'm damaged.
- The infection could be limited to a brain abscess.
- Which I would have seen in your mri.
- Sign this so that I can take out a piece of your brain.
- Let me see the mri.
- There was no abscess on the image.
- Let me see it, then.
- I liked you better when you were jolly.
- I didn't say...
- You were trying to put a gun in his hand and point it at my head.
- The gun is now in your hand.
- That is a practical difference, not a moral one.
- If you want me dead, then pull the trigger.
- It is not so easy when you have to do it yourself.
- Sarah?
- Yeah.
- Where's the baby?
Dr. Gregory House: A distracted person makes for a distracted professional.
Dr. Chris Taub: And destroying my marriage will help me focus?
Dr. Gregory House: Probably... Do a spinal tap, run the CSF.
[Taub starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Still talking about you. But you can do it on the patient.
- Yeah, well, it's probably not a good idea, you know, with us working together.
- Didn't you marry someone you used to work with?
- Yeah, but...
- All right, sure. When?
- Tonight? Sure.
Hanna: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: You know that giant construction crane next door? It's kind of on top of you now.
- I'm scared.
- I know.
- We're doing everything that we can. Cesar will be with you soon.
- Dr. Foreman, you should look at this.
- What is it? You feeling any pain in your pelvic region?
- No, why? Your genitals, they're engorged.
- But chase is right.
- He's right. We should X-ray her.
- But we don't X-ray her brain.
- We X-ray her leg.
- Worms love thigh muscle.
- If she's got one in her head,
- I guarantee you there's one in her leg.
Dr. Gregory House: You want to know how I feel?... I feel hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know... I'm sorry
- You should be feeling better here.
- We'll be back to check on you in a little while.
- Can the other sisters come in and pray with me?
- It'd be better if you don't have any visitors.
- Once we isolate what's causing your allergy, then we can be a little more lax.
Dr. Robert Chase: What do you think you're going to figure out, you think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain?
Dr. Gregory House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of do-ability.
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
[pause]
Dr. James Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.
[Wilson and House look at each other. Wilson exits]
- Oh, gosh.
- Get an ambulance.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine.
- I love you too, which is why you're not gonna live there either.
- I don't care if we might need them.
- I just know that I can't live my life feeling like we do.
- It's not worth living in fear.
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement, preferably with acid.
- You guys ever think about what you might do to house?
- Maybe it's no big deal.
- Unless it is.
- Somebody shot house.
Dr. Robert Chase: Hey, Foreman. Your momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
- It's a little much for a first date.
- Obviously, you've never dated me.
- Feels like you already got the lung and kidney samples.
- Now I just need a piece of your liver.
- Hey, you might want to use a little bit of iidocaine.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Slight pinch!
- hell, I've even seen them sit straight up on a gurney.
- Trust me, his skin's cold, pupils are fixed and dilated, he's not breathing.
- He's got a pulse!
- No way.
- All right, give me an ambu bag and an EKG. It's thready, but it's there.
- Let's get him in a basket.
- Ready?
- One, two, lift!
- That's very considerate of you.
- You think this is easy for me?
- I know I have to tell Melissa.
- Then what's stopping you?
- She's still one of my best friends.
- And I don't want to be alone in here.
Dr. Gregory House: She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics because 'other' people might need them.
Dr. James Wilson: She said she cares about other people? What a poser.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Emma] The swollen bladder was not the only problem. We can't leave it inside you. We have to terminate.
Emma: Well, can't you deliver him? Put him on a respiratory machine until you figure out what's wrong.
Dr. Gregory House: We can, and it won't matter. The fetus is still at least two weeks away from being viable.
Emma: Oh, well. I'll suffer through this for two more weeks, then.
Dr. Gregory House: You're on dialysis for your kidneys. Your kidneys can wait. They don't make dialysis for your liver. You're not going to make it two more days.
Emma: I'm not gonna let you kill my baby.
Dr. Gregory House: It's killing you.
Emma: I'm not having an abortion.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not a baby. It's... a tumor. I understand dying for a cause, sacrificing your life so your child might live, but that's not the choice here. Either it dies or you both die.
Emma: Or you fix him and we both live.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't fix it. I'm scheduling a D and C.
[gets up to leave]
Emma: I won't consent.
[House stops and looks at her]
Emma: So I guess you have two days to figure it out.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Adams] I took that scalpel for you.
Dr. Jessica Adams: That's why I did this. Three weeks ago, you never would have slept with a patient and you never would have operated on her after. You need help.
Dr. Robert Chase: I need to get away from House and everything that reminds me of him.
Dr. Jessica Adams: By breaking the rules, not caring what anyone else thinks. You're gonna get away from him by turning into him?
Taub: So... which one of us sucks the most?
Dr. Gregory House: It's a tie.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Between?
Dr. Gregory House: All of you.
Dr. Amber Volakis: We're all fired?
Dr. Gregory House: None of you are fired.
- Gaucher disease, ttp.
- Hemolytic-uremic syndrome, sepsis, lupus...
- Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse alphabetically.
- We need to know why her platelet machine is broken.
- Go to the factory.
- Do a bone marrow aspiration.
- Chase: Approaching the clot, stand by for...
- Jessica: That's not a clot.
- Chase: It's his lymph nodes.
- The bulge wasn't caused by pus or blood. It's tissue inflammation.
- How could there bethatrnuch_. Lymphoma.
- We need to take a biopsy.
- Happens one time in every 5,000.
- You ran a second test?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're still dying.
- The only difference is, now we don't know why.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why are we even discussing this case? She lied to us. She's opened us up to malpractice.
Dr. Gregory House: Our practice opens us up to malpractice.
- He'll be fine.
- Close your eyes.
- I wish house still came over to play.
- Well, maybe you should write him a letter.
- Wanna do that?
- Okay, let's do it.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase about the woman he was with] If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes.
- I have one lousy drink, okay?
- Have you ever seen me drunk? Ever?
- No, but you've obviously been drinking enough to hurt your liver.
- My liver is fine. Hold still.
- There we go.
- This test is a waste of time.
Dr. Chris Taub: I've known a lot of bullies: people who didn't like me because I'm short, people who didn't like me because I'm Jewish...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you.
Dr. Robert Chase: If it were really a person and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around.
Dr. Gregory House: Let's do that!
[stars to leave, but then stops in front of Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: You're the one who insists we treat it like a person. I'll put it back when I'm done.
Dr. Gregory House: Brain's clean. Moving on.
Dr. Remy Hadley: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.
[repeated line]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go see Stacy.
- What was wrong with me?
- It's called syphilis.
- You can get that without having sex?
- How do you think you and Lydia will end?
- You are a lonely man.
- You've screwed up every opportunity you've had in life.
- What's the ending to this story?
- I don't know.
- Visiting time.
- The guy's tired and sore.
- It's gonna be chapter one in my...
- Don't panic.
- Don't shoot us. Don't die.
- You know him?
- Never met him before in my life.
- Okay. Well, you're about to.
- He's on his way here.
- Get your ass up and get your team together. You have work to do.
- Wouldn't show over-the-counter weight-loss drugs.
- Her mother wouldn't give her diet pills.
- She thinks her daughter's perfect just the way she is.
- She's lying.
- You two, heparin and warfarin to prevent further clotting.
- And you find those pills.
- I can't ask Wilson, because he figures it's all in my head.
- Well, I agree with him. I'm going home.
- What about this?
- What are you doing?
- Is this in my head?
- Because I could swear
- I remember a thigh muscle being here.
- I'll get a syringe.
- You paged me down here and now you're doing my lp?
- Got bored waiting.
- It's been two minutes.
- This is your 11th. Fourteenth.
- Listen, your roommate, is she hooking up with that resident?
- I gotta find house.
Dr. Gregory House: [Sebastian is refusing treatment] You are not the same as them. Your life is not the same, and you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
- What are you doing?
- Man: Henry!
- Henry, let go of her!
- The occasional drink doesn't bother me, but...
- What?
- Are you okay?
- What's the matter?
- Great. Start her on beta blockers.
- You'll do it?
- I don't think he was talking to me.
- Well, I am.
- I'm the only one who thinks you're wrong.
- Maybe that's why
- I'm asking you to do it.
Dr. Gregory House: You're either perfect or you're sick.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase] You don't have to work for House, but you do owe me twenty clinic hours.
Dr. Robert Chase: [astonished] What? Getting knife doesn't buy me an extension?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Buys you whatever you need, but I know you. If all you do is physical therapy and your nighttime version of it, you'll loose your mind faster than your regain of your fine motor skills.
Dr. Gregory House: Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about... I can't read that. Is she obsessed with a grey horse or me?
- we wouldn't have needed the time.
- Schedule him for surgery.
- Dig that thing out.
- He can start enjoying real misery instead of the fake stuff.
- House.
- I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
- Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
- And it's not a fight.
- Excuse me, miss.
- What is your name?
- Mariel wilkerson.
- Hah.
- You don't look like a Mariel. You're up.
- No! No! No! Get the cup!
- Get the cup!
- Drink it! Drink it!
- Dr. Sykes: No! Grab the cup!
- Guard: Hands behind your back.
- What were you thinking?
- I don't know. I...
- I was... I was scared.
Dr. Gregory House: You had nothing to add, 'cause you were distracted - little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy, and now little angel won't shut up, telling you you're going to burn in a lake of fire.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm fine!
Dr. Gregory House: You shouldn't be! Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in 7 weeks. You're... 10 minutes, tops.
- As long as he can keep folding laundry, his career... [Brennan shushing]
- Someone's coming.
- Hey, shouldn't we be running?
- If it's a cop, run.
- Security guard,
- I say we take him down.
- When you're pain-free, you're gonna wanna live and start writing again.
- And if I'm wrong, you got a backup plan to take home with you.
- Okay.
- Good choice.
- If I were you, I'd hide that if you want to keep it.
- I know the perfect place.
- You're drunk and you screwed up big time.
- Go home!
- You completely disappeared on me.
- You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.
- You're gonna want to sit down for this.
- Go ahead.
- Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
- Are we okay?
- I'm sorry.
- Let's just get you home.
- That's a good idea.
- a little bit about this dining table.
- It's made of wood and you eat off it.
- So you're paid by commission?
- It's furniture.
- Find something you like, let me know, I'll ring it up.
- Thank you so much.
- Mr. Chips looks like he wants it.
- 100 bucks says he'll make soup out of Franklin.
- You're on.
- How'd the mom seem to you?
- If you're asking if she looks like someone who beat her kid, you're a moron.
- Move your ass, Mr. Chips!
Dr. Gregory House: You gonna tell me why this case?
Dr. James Wilson: She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name.
Dr. Gregory House: So, she's just another sick person that kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.
- It's Saturday. You haven't been to work in three days. Remember?
- Just let me sleep.
- Come on. You haven't been out of bed since Wednesday.
- Leave me alone.
- Come on. What's up?
- No. Leave me alone.
- Honey.
- I said leave me alone!
Thirteen: Asking for an open marriage? You got stones.
Dr. Chris Taub: Coversation sort of got away from me. It was a train wreck.
- We were gone two minutes.
- What you got there, sweetie?
- Come on now, spit it out.
- Wilson: Come on, sweetie. Open.
- Open.
- Skin test was negative.
- What about goodpasture's?
- Affects the lungs, kidneys.
- And autoimmune explains the out-of-the-blue arrhythmia.
- Goodpasture's it is.
- Immunosuppressants and plasmapheresis to treat, kidney biopsy to confirm.
Dr. Gregory House: Prep Clarence for surgery.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Care to share with the class?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
- You're not even going to talk to chase?
- He didn't leave after he got stabbed in the heart.
- I think we're okay.
- Either you're right, and your friend is just really upset, or you're wrong, and he's come at this calmly and rationally, and you're about to lose a good doctor. Either way...
- Something.
- So, which one of us sucks the most?
- It's a tie.
- Between?
- All of you.
- Amber: We're all fired?
- None of you are fired.
Bryan: Everybody wants to direct.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Echovirus.
Dr. Gregory House: ...virus, virus, virus, virus...
- Not now. But since we're dating I just thought you should know.
- I thought, because of your illness...
- So did I.
- Even when I didn't know if I had it or not,
- I just assumed
- I couldn't take the chance. But now, even though I know
- I have it, it feels like an option.
- Pressure on his joints relieves his pain.
- Okay.
- Wrong again.
- Where's his wallet?
- Dr. Taub.
- The patient would like to see you.
- How can I help?
Dr. Gregory House: Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks.
- Actually, I was going for she sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping, and he wants to do it on the desk, and at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem...
- You know you're gonna pay for that.
- I'm paying for it right now with wisdom.
- Get out.
- Just holding their hands?
- Uh-huh.
- If I stop using it?
- You'll be floppy, they'll be fine.
- Give it back!
- He'll still be eight.
- Transfer me to
- Princeton general.
- Mom.
- You're very ill and you're very angry.
- You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this?
- You lied to me and betrayed me.
- Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore?
- Come on, dad!
- You go over 15, we're pulling over, all right? I mean it.
- You're the best.
- All right, get on there.
- Put on your goggles.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Got the clutch in?
- All right, that's my boy.
- Take a look at this, bones of your forearm.
- Radius and ulna.
- How about the wrist?
- Lunate, hamate, the...
- "Scared lovers try positions they can't handle."
- It's a mnemonic for the wrist bones.
- It's the only way I can remember them.
- Congo red added.
- Change the polarization of the light already.
- That means it should be treatable.
- How the hell did you pull that out of...
- Not out of mine. I had a muse.
- Oh, god. Protein type aa.
- I choose sir William as my champion.
- Attack from his left side.
- I saw his squire bandaging that shoulder this morning.
- I wish thee luck and strength.
- I fear I shall need all I can get.
Miles: The captain of my guard, sir Horace the black!
Dr. Gregory House: [flicks a piece of popcorn at Dr. Cuddy] Oops, I missed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you, eight?
Dr. Gregory House: Could an eight year old do this?
[sticks his tongue out and makes a messed up face]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Better stop or it'll stick that way.
- Plus, I had to make you dinner.
- We have plans.
- Bet your plans don't taste like this.
- House, whatever it is that you're up to...
- I'm trying to be nice.
- What I did the other night was juvenile. I'm sorry.
- One bleed to four in less than 12 hours seems like an uptake to me.
- We need to start him on antifungal meds before he drowns in his own blood.
- Do it.
- How long till it starts working?
- Give it a few hours. I'll be back to check on you.
- They're not the kind of friends you ask to help you move, never mind watch you die.
- I never did much.
- No kid to leave behind.
- When I go, the world's not gonna be any different.
- Kind of a relief for you, huh?
- and now he's gonna rip my arms off.
- How often do you sell drugs?
- It was a one-time thing.
- I needed the cash, I had the pills, so I thought, "why not?"
- It was a bad idea.
- The pills are at my house. I could have a friend go get them.
- Sometimes I hear her cry at night when she thinks nobody is listening.
- I should have done something.
- True.
- What are you doing?
- Before there were hard drives, there were...
Dr. Gregory House: You made a decision.
Afsoun: I changed my mind.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Afsoun: Because there are more important things than...
Dr. Gregory House: Than what? Than your brain? Your abilities? That's where everything comes from, any meaning in your life, any happiness.
Afsoun: Not all happiness.
Dr. Gregory House: He's already left once. He's gonna leave you again. You don't need to depend on people who are gonna let you down.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: If you do this, you're pathetic hypocrite. You're saying that your whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless.
Afsoun: [pause] Why are you doing this?
- I started stealing from here six months after you hired me.
- You still don't even know the half of it, and you never will.
- You wouldn't have even found out about this if I hadn't gotten sick.
- And you aren't as tough as you think you are.
- There's no way you'd let this job get taken away.
- And if I go down, you're going down.
- We can't do any more tests, but you want me to treat him?
- Medicine's in the pharmacy.
- Patient's immobilized in the icu.
- Sounds like a simple geography problem.
- Are you asking us to jeopardize our medical licenses for this treatment?
Dr. Gregory House: Wow! You are ugly!
Kenny: Wow! You're an ass!
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's not paranoia if someone's out to get you.
Clancy: So I am kind of weird?
Dr. Robert Chase: We're all kind of weird.
- I'm not gonna get better.
- Am I?
- We'll know more after the test.
- I've gotta find out who can take care of will and kama.
- Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?
- You'll be home yelling at them and kicking their butts before you know it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: This... has nothing to do with House.
Dr. Robert Chase: Yeah, well it has nothing to do with me either, not anymore... let me know when I can come pick up my things.
Dr. Gregory House: She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Because you didn't kill anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's murder, not you.
Dr. Robert Chase: You were barely involved in that case. She knows that.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but I created the big bad evil climate that allowed it to happen.
- I won't tell anyone.
- Listen, you're nine years old.
- I'm 30.
- I just wanna know what it feels like. Once.
- This isn't your last chance for that.
- What if it is?
- Please kiss me?
Dr. Cameron: [messing with Chase's head] Sex *could* kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it *unbelievably* fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Ezra] Don't go towards the light. You'll fall and break your hip.
- It's like your leg. It's atrophied.
- Keep working it. The feeling will come.
- Sorry. Need you again.
- I told you to get rid of her.
- It's a good thing we didn't.
- Tightness in her chest.
- She can't breathe.
- It could be pleural effusion.
- Right. Either that or she's holding her breath like a four-year-old.
- He's so new to this. How's he gonna learn if we stop his act?
- You're a sucky clown.
- And you're a super-duper audience.
- Hey, that is not okay.
- Hey, keep your hands off my son!
- Tell him to keep his hands off me.
Dr. Gregory House: Well done, Chase. Now turn off your phone.
Dr. Robert Chase: You heard that? It's on vibrate.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm assuming it's been ringing almost non-stop since you changed your status update to, "Nothing lights my fire like a lady-of-size. Less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number.
Luke: You're a doctor?
Dr. Gregory House: Own my own stethoscope.
- Of course not.
- Fine then, you're fired.
- Now you're just my friend.
- Now you can do what's right.
- Tucker, it's...
- I can't.
- Are you all right?
- You're crushing me.
- Wake up!
- I think you're having a heart attack. I'm gonna call the ambulance.
- No. Just drive me to the hospital.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [while setting a X-Ray shield over patient's groin] Keep this on through the procedure. Unless the pot's already made you sterile.
Officer: I have a stressful job. You have no idea.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sharply] I grew with cops like you. One part bully, nine parts hypocrite.
- I'm okay with pain.
- Strangulation is better than breaking your neck, which means this'll be slow.
- I wouldn't get to see him even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
- Tell him...
- We should get you back to your dad.
- Let me put this down and I'll take you there.
- I could be your boyfriend.
- I think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age.
- He seems like a tool.
- He's not. And that's rude.
- I'm taking you back to your father.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're not my boss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm House's boss. House is your boss. The math is pretty simple.
- There are a lot of good administrators out there, not many good doctors.
- More to it than you think.
- For example, you're looking at monkey DNA.
- My analysis, house took your results after he manipulated you into providing them.
- A distracted person makes a distracted professional.
- And destroying my marriage will help me focus.
- Probably.
- Do a spinal tap, run the csf.
- Still talking about you!
- But you can do it on the patient, too, if you want.
- Chase: Try to relax, Bob.
- This is gonna help you breathe.
- Oh, my god!
- He's gonna aspirate! Need suction!
- What's happening?
- Suction.
- There's too much vomit. We're never going to be able to intubate.
- We're gonna have to trach him.
- He's not breathing!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] Either I need a new watch or Mowgli is cutting into your beauty sleep.
- So, you need to think that the guy who did this to you is going to be punished?
- I need to know that it all means something.
- I need that comfort.
- Yeah.
- Are you feeling comfortable?
- You feeling good right now?
- You feel warm inside?
Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
Dr. Gregory House: Well you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980.
Thirteen: That was 28 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House: No it wasn't! Shut up!
Thirteen: Did you just forget what year it is?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I just remembered how old I am.
Martha M. Masters: There are no signs of hyperlipidemia or pancreatitis.
- Taub: Those can take years to emerge.
- Foreman: Closest we've gotten.
- Start him on iv sodium benzoate to reduce the ammonia levels in his blood.
- Run a genetic test for citrullinemia.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman, Chase, and Cameron] Why so sad? Still a chance Chase got it right.
[looks at the test result paper and pretends to read it]
Dr. Gregory House: Ohh! That was suspenseful for about 2 seconds.
Dr. Gregory House: [yelling in the clinic after Cuddy has upset him] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
Dr. Travis Brennan: [after suggesting that the patient has polio] I've seen this disease. I know what it looks like.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's why you're finding it because you're looking for it. Polio, it's... it's crazy.
Dr. Travis Brennan: House wouldn't think so.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So go find House and tell him your theory. Take a personal day. Seriously. Get outta here.
Dr. Travis Brennan: You don't have the power to fire me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: But I do have the power to kick your ass off my case.
Dr. Gregory House: Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want sex are either sick, dead or lying.
- but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice.
- So I'm going with turning this ward upside down, making you and your boss' job and life so unmanageable that he'll write whatever he has to write to get rid of me.
- Safer: He's all set.
- Thanks.
- You pay for the dry-cleaning.
- Why are you still alive?
- I'm not sure.
- I guess he was impressed you stood up to him.
- And got a cat to pee on his chair.
- Yeah. A cat.
[Cole just punched House]
Dr. Amber Volakis: I know what she has!
Dr. Gregory House: You couldn't have spoken up 10 seconds ago? You could have saved me a hundred bucks.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Her blood pressure's rising.
Dr. Gregory House: Mind's rising too. Of course, I'm doing battle with the deity.
- You're a grown man, Dr. Taub.
- You can make whatever choices you want.
- And instead of hiring me when he said you could, you chose to act like a paranoid, scared little kid.
- I hate kids.
- Goodbye, Dr. Taub.
Dr. James Wilson: He was my friend. The thing you have to remember, the thing you can't forget, is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer, and, and in the end...
[pause]
Dr. James Wilson: House was an ASS. He mocked anyone - patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends, anyone who didn't measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable, and he proved that by dying selfishly numbed by narcotics without a thought of anyone! A betrayal...
[phone rings]
Dr. James Wilson: ...of everyone who cared about him!
[phone rings]
Dr. James Wilson: Phone! A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him...
[phone rings]
Dr. James Wilson: OH, COME ON! This is a funeral! Just get it!
[realizes it's his phone]
Dr. James Wilson: Heh, heh, heh, well this is embarrassing. I'd sworn I'd turned this off.
[checks it out]
Dr. Gregory House: [text message] Shut up you idiot.
Dr. James Wilson: This isn't my phone.
[last lines]
Reception: Doctor House? You have a patient.
[they both look thru the glass wall; House sighs]
Reception: He says he needs a refill.
Dr. Gregory House: [slightly smiling, to Wilson] Got change for a dollar?
- radioimmunoassay for drugs, and you test for whatever you thought it was.
- I've got a date with a pharmacist.
- Those are already done.
- Come on!
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. Gregory House: Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?
- Stop the interferon, and do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold.
- You don't still think that she...
- Don't let her go to the bathroom.
- Why would you care if she...
- Hello?
- Alcoholic parent? Druggie youth?
- There's no such thing as a Saint without a past.
- Or a sinner without a future.
- What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?
- Drugs are always a mask for something else.
- That's the dumbest thing
- I've heard in my life.
Dr. Travis Brennan: [about treating the patient for polio] Vitamin C. Extremely high doses. It was experimental treatment protocol in the '50s.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: And they haven't finished yet?
Dr. Travis Brennan: They... lost funding.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's because there's no logical reason Vitamin C would cure polio.
Dr. Travis Brennan: Well, someone thought there was.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Someone thought black people made excellent farm implements.
Dr. Travis Brennan: I'm not talking about hurting anyone. I just wanna force feed her some orange juice.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You wanna throw in some bacon and eggs as well?
Dr. Travis Brennan: If there's anything you learn today, it's gotta be that you can be wrong.
- I will shred this,
- I'll call off my pool, return the money and we'll forget all about it.
- Or we'll go to the light box in the lab and know the truth once and for all.
- Stop.
- Let me see them.
- It's nice having you here.
- I wish you could come over and get in bed with me.
- Like this?
- You're talking.
- That's not all I can do.
- Big meals. We had no idea that diet was so bad for her.
- The nutritionist said it had everything she needed.
- Listen. The kid who stacks the free-range grapefruit in your health food store is not a nutritionist.
- But my uncle is.
- He went to college and everything.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook.
Dr. Gregory House: It's never lupus.
- Wait. Everyone's getting breath mints.
- We need to hear Seth speak.
- That means taking out the tube.
- Isn't that dangerous?
- It's the safest way to confirm what's wrong with him.
- I need him to breathe out once I pull on the tube.
- Okay.
Thirteen: [to Chase] Then what do you suggest? Because the patient's got a high fever, a low heart rate and a dim chance of survival if we stand here like idiots.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then I suggest you don't stand there like idiots.
- What's that?
- I'm asking for some time off.
- What's wrong?
- Are you okay?
- Obviously not.
Dr. Gregory House: That's absurd. I love it.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about a photo of himself] That... is not me.
Dr. Chris Taub: That is you.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pointing to part of picture] Th-that's me.
[Pointing to another part]
Dr. Robert Chase: But th-that is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone...
Dr. Robert Chase: It is not in that picture. My proof is right here.
[Starts to undo his belt]
Dr. Robert Chase: You really want to see it?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Foreman] You stole my article.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I wouldn't do that.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I wrote up the case where we induced hypothermic cardiac arrest in the terminal cancer girl.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I wrote my own. I didn't steal yours.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You knew I was writing one. You gave me notes!
Dr. Gregory House: Got a case. It can wait. You two finish.
[to Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: Five bucks says someone loses an eye.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Why am I the only person here who cares what happens to this hospital? Get off your ass and get your department under control. At least for the next few days.
Dr. Gregory House: It's gonna take longer than a few days for a company the size of Atlanticnet to start feeling the squeeze of your P.R. campaign. If they ever do.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you know this how? From all the time you've spent researching them and their other contracts? The way they handle their press relations?
Dr. Gregory House: I know they have a nascar team. Despite what you may have learned at hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are, the harder they kick your ass.
Dr. Gregory House: [Smugly] You did it, didn't you?
Dr. Robert Chase: It... it wasn't sick. It was one kiss - for a dying girl.
[Cameron puts her hands over her mouth and gets a disgusted look on her face. Foreman turns away in disgust]
Dr. Robert Chase: One small, one small kiss before she - dies. Thank you. Thanks.
Dr. Gregory House: This is exactly why you can't touch my markers.
- It'd be cruel. Don't...
- Wake Amber up. See her again.
- Tell her what she means to you.
- Wake her up to tell her that she's...
- You are waking her up so that you can both say goodbye to each other.
- She would want it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. Gregory House: I was lying.
Michael: I don't wanna sue you.
Dr. Gregory House: Good.
Michael: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. Gregory House: Less good.
- How can anyone go through that alone?
- You can't control your emotions.
- Just your actions.
- You didn't do it, did you?
- You didn't sleep with him.
- I couldn't have lived with myself.
- You'd be surprised what you can live with.
- He's confused. We can have another baby. I can make him understand that.
- I'm having an abortion. We do the...
- I can make decisions about my body.
- And he can make decisions about his.
- He doesn't want your kidney.
- So, he'll die?
- Probably.
- You get five files like that on your desk every morning.
- And you'd never risk your life for them.
- Why is this guy so special that all of a sudden you've become Batman?
- I don't know.
- Maybe it's because you have a cracked skull and you're not yourself.
- Go home, go to sleep.
Stacy: [to Chase] As your lawyer, I can't stop you from lying. I can't even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you to lie better.
- He just opened his eyes a little while ago.
- His heartbeat's doing well and his body temperature stabilized.
Ramon: One day, you're going to understand.
Marisa: No, I'm not. I'm never going to understand that! If God could do this, I hate God!
- So the pregnancy was a coincidence?
- Pulse's down to 39, she's maxed out on atropine.
- We're installing a pacing wire to...
- Avoid that.
- We need some help in here!
- Foreman: Page house.
- Already paged him.
- Page him again.
- God of compassion, take Michael into your arms and welcome him into paradise.
- Let there be no sorrow, no weeping, and no pain.
- Peace and joy foreverrnore.
- I'm sorry.
Abbey: She's a baby. You're an adult.
Justine: So what? I don't need my mom anymore?
Abbey: No. You never did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you. But look at you, you turned out great.
Justine: Oh, you don't know if I'm great. You don't know me at all. And I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me.
- And this test isn't exactly fda approved, so let's just keep it our little secret, okay?
- You know what I'm dealing with?
- You know what I'm going through?
- You think Dr. House does?
- I'm not suggesting either one of us be your doctor.
- Dr. Stone is a psychiatrist.
- If Dr. House is too busy,
- I could wait.
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you smirking?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Never thought I'd see the day you were taking orders from Cameron.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Cameron's in charge?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: When did that happen?
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: You're going to destroy her, aren't you?
Dr. Robert Chase: [refuses to write House a script for Vicodin] We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license.
- Pets are now allowed.
- If you want to keep him, she wants a new puppy anyway.
- She'll understand.
- Why would I want to keep him?
- You're sure?
- Come on, boy.
- It's possible the ipf could just continue to...
- There's something wrong with his skin.
- Do something.
- Stop scratching. Let me look at it.
- I can't. This is driving me crazy.
- Stop scratching, so we can...
- Make it stop!
- Cameron: Ok...
- Make it stop!
- Make it stop!
Dr. James Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.
[House got the number of a nutritionist]
Dr. Gregory House: I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum.
Dr. Wilson: You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend?
- With wine.
- I'll pour you a glass.
- He doesn't drink.
- More for us then.
- Well,
- I think I might have a little kung pao.
- Are we done here?
- She didn't even ask me to cough.
- I think you straightened out my limp a little.
- Now, how would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
- Have you ever seen wild kingdom?
- Those insects that rip their partners' heads off after copulating.
- Melinda, can you...
- What's wrong? What's wrong?
- Can you breathe?
- What's wrong? What's wrong?
- Is it your heart?
- What's wrong? Mrs. Bardach!
- Melinda, Melinda,
- I don't know how to use this.
- I've never used one of these before.
- sometimes it winds up in the fallopian tubes, in rare cases, it plummets through the plumbing entirely.
- It's using her intestine as a blood supply.
- Caused the rectal bleed, and now junior miss steinem's junior must be pressing on her vagus nerve, slowing her heart to a crawl.
- Yank the fetus. If she survives the surgery, she'll be fine.
Martin: [Upon finding out that his teenage daughter is physiologically a male] This is obviously a joke. This... is impossible.
Dr. Gregory House: No. A joke would be me calling you a homo.
- Bypasses the risk to the lungs.
- It'll either help yourann, on" it'll kill me.
- From your point of view, it's a win-win.
- Okay.
- We'll set up the procedure for today.
- Just 'cause I said sure?
- I am capable of my own thoughts.
- It's a simple procedure.
- The gallbladder isn't essential to...
- The doctor thinks we should do it.
- We should do it, Edie.
- You think maybe we should get a second opinion before we start removing our child's organs?
Dr. James Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Because next it'll be 3 cases, then 4. Then animal cases and ghost cases. And then animal ghost cases. Assuming we are talking about House.
Dr. Gregory House: [House starts his lecture] Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them?
Dr. Gregory House: [the Keen Student shoots his hand up] I'm not going to like you, am I?
Dr. Gregory House: Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it.
Dr. Chris Taub: This is going to be convoluted, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: Figured I'd ask her for something really crazy, so she'd shoot me down and get the whole I-can-control-House thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I went back and ask for something marginally crazy, she would see marginally reasonable and she'd say "yes." So yeah, slightly convulted.
Dr. Chris Taub: We're screwed.
- Worrying that you might turn into her.
- You're right.
- Odds are this is nothing.
- Meet me in the cafeteria in 10.
- There'll be a corn dog with your name on it.
- I mean an actual corn dog.
- They fixed the deep fryer.
- I know. I mean, this is what makes it even worse.
[Stuttering] All of her craziness, it just...
- It makes sense now.
- Everything's gonna be all right.
- I didn't even try to get outside.
- I was too scared.
- Come on.
- I don't know.
- I'm sure they love each other but...
- They only fight about me.
- That's because they care so much.
- So, maybe when I die, they'll get back together.
- Emily, what's wrong?
- I can't move my arm.
- I've only been doing this for three years.
- Three years under house.
- No better training.
- And when that case comes along that I can't figure out, you know who I'd have to go to.
- Or you can just let that patient die.
- That's completely up to you.
Lola: He drops a clean urine, denies using steroids, then you're giving him a drug for, what, steroid abuse?
Dr. Gregory House: Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby.
- There's no proof that there's anything wrong with her.
- There's no proof she's being stalked by ninja squirrels either, but if she's scared of them, as her boyfriend, it's your job to figure out how to help her feel better.
- You're right.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about House] He's really talking to a patient?
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't know who I am anymore.
- Crossing the parking lot is dangerous.
- Cars can't see me.
- You ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?
- No, gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk.
- Maybe you should ask the parking office for some crampons.
- This is about who can most easily cross the parking lot. You're the winner.
- Oh, and the prize is apparently a parking space.
- I do.
- You like needing help when you want something off a high shelf?
- Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor?
- Having to smell ass every time you stand in line?
- You don't need growth hormone.
- It's just your ticket out of the freak show.
Dr. Weber: You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.
Dr. Gregory House: That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's special.
- It just started.
- If you'll all just calm down, your symptoms will soon go away.
- And to facilitate this process, your flight crew will move through the cabin with a complimentary bar service.
- Thank you and, as always, have a pleasant flight.
- Still feel like puking?
- No.
- You have a girlfriend.
- It's just she never seems to want to do anything with you.
- Are you crying?
- No, I have allergies. I mustjust be, like, tearing up.
- Henry, I think that's blood.
- What? I...
- while you're still in the pink.
- The years go by
- As quickly as a wink enjoy yourself
- Wilson, come get me.
- It's later than you think
- but so are you.
- You do have something in common.
- You're both trying to find things you have in common.
- And not finding them.
- You don't look so hot.
- You want to talk about it?
- Those days are over.
- Is it all right with you if we carry you into the bathroom?
- If you want me there, that's the way you're going to have to do it.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Mmmhmm.
- One, two, three.
- Can I get a little head support, please?
- Thank you.
- He's always calling me, always wanting to get back together, complaining about mixed signals.
- "Get out of my life."
- How much clearer can you get?
- We have a sleep lab in the basement.
- If nothing else, it will get you away from your ex for a night.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Dan] We're going to need a semen sample. You can use the bathroom over there.
Dan: Right, uh... how do I...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Aim and shoot.
Dr. Robert Chase: No thinking about Dr. Cameron. We'll know.
- Sometimes less.
- This is exactly why I created nurses.
- Clean up on aisle three!
- They don't know who he is!
- His name's right there on the chart.
- Now go away. I'm working.
- They give him the wrong meds, who the hell knows what's gonna happen?
- House!
- Bad things would happen.
- He's in room 318.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to House] What are you looking for?
Dr. Gregory House: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to Chase] Listen, this is a tough time for me. Breaking up with Rachel. Moving into a hotel. I want you to know how much your humiliation has eased my burden.
Dr. Gregory House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attatched to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?
- Crazy bastards like you try to hunt down their stuff.
- How much for the pile?
- $500.
- You said it was junk.
- No, no. It's yourjunk, you want it.
- $500. Take it or leave it.
Dr. Gregory House: Thirteen. Wait a minute.
[Thirteen comes back]
Dr. Gregory House: You're fired.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Now what? House, I'm starving.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not joking. You're fired. Don't come in tomorrow.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I can work with people who've got nowhere else to go. People who got something to prove. People who just get off on weird cases. What I can't work with is someone who's here so she doesn't have to feel bad.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You're trying to save me.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes... I think that little of you and that much of me.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [Waits a moment and realizes he's giving her permission to leave to enjoy the rest of her life] OK. Bye, House.
[Leaves]
- Maybe I should just quit.
- No. You're smart, you're hardworking.
- Yeah, but I'm not like you guys.
- Use what makes you different.
- A lot of this job is reading people, dealing with them.
- You're a psychiatrist.
- Use your skills.
Dr. Gregory House: Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. Mom's body is like an intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews.
- You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?
- Mmm-hmm. He's all better.
- You know, I'd get it if people were just looking for a way to fill the holes.
- But they want the holes, they wanna live in the holes and they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes.
- Climb out of your holes, people!
- Okay.
- You're sure?
- It won't be able to heal when we're done.
- But you think she could tell you what's wrong with me.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What if his behavior isn't a side effect of the ondansetron? What if it's a symptom?
Dr. Robert Chase: Thank you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What causes delirium and nausea?
Dr. Chris Taub: He's been stuck here in the hospital a few days. Nobody else is sick, so it can't be environmental...
Dr. Richardson: Not exactly stuck. I snuck out. Freedom is my birthright.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Where did you go?
Dr. Richardson: The seafood festival at the convention center.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: We're screwed. The seafood festival has stuff from all around the world, in combinations nobody ever thought of.
- She needs to eat warm protein for this disease?
- Well, we could give her cold protein whose uptake enzymes haven't been activated, as long as you don't mind her risking liver and kidney failure and eventual death.
- But, hey, it's worth it so you don't have to flip on the grill.
- You don't have to be obnoxious about it.
- Oh, goodness,
- I've left my door open.
- My poor dog must have run away and been hit by a car or a truck or a train.
- Or an anvil.
- Thank god, you're still here.
- He's still here!
- Where's my stereo?
- you'll be giving room and board to this fellow, and by "free board,"
- I mean all the b12 you can take in.
- I could have a tapeworm in me?
- Not likely.
- You'd be in a lot of pain.
- It's gotta be 25 feet long.
- Damn it. World record's over 60.
Dr. Gregory House: Lock up on your way out. Don't touch the piano.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and hop on the company jet? A little trip down Mexico way? I'm not talking about the country or the plane.
Dr. Samira Terzi: You think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?
Dr. Gregory House: Well if it didn't, the human race would have died out long ago.
Dr. Gregory House: So either we find the answer at autopsy or...
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: I got nothing.
- Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games.
- I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me.
- I need you to stop worrying about getting fired.
- And go pay for my cable.
- I didn't mean on this.
- Seriously. I need cable.
- Joe, Dr. House doesn't have a blue slip.
- No one leaves the quarantine area without a blue slip.
- You are a doctor at this hospital.
- Act like one.
- And...
- Take these.
- so consumed in all your doom trying hard to fill your emptiness the piece is gone ten-minute warning. I'm fine.
- What about your meds?
- Got it, mom.
[Singing] You are beautiful no matter what they say
- I can't... I can't...
- I feel dizzy.
- I need a crash cart in here!
Dr. Eric Foreman: How's Cameron?
Dr. Robert Chase: She's not giddy.
- That stuff about the system being against people like me...
- I know it's crap.
- I mean, it's true but it's also crap.
- I just wasn't ready to try again.
- But I always thought
- I was young.
- I had time.
- Know what?
- That the other kids weren't sick?
- You've been here for four days.
- I just...
- I would have heard.
- Right.
- I want to be on the team.
- You think that's gonna save your marriage?
- I don't know.
- Four candidates, three spots.
- I got a tough decision ahead of me.
- Security checked the videotapes from all perimeter cameras.
- He's still gotta be in the hospital.
- Where's chase?
- Main floor.
- Okay.
- You take the cafeteria and administration.
- I'll hit the research annex and work my way back to you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's the middle of the night. You knew I'd be asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Phone would've woken you up just as much... but I can't see what you're wearing on the phone.
- The other racers would think I was crazy.
- I'd set off on some tacking angle that made no sense to them because they couldn't see what I saw.
- I could sense the changes in the wind before they even happened.
- At the top of the game, you play by different rules.
- Medicine's gonna burn a little bit.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] My real patient is dying. Very quickly. Like I wouldn't advise her to buy any green bananas. The fetus is nothing more than a parasite at this point. Removing it is an instant cure.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're not going to get Emma to see it that way. She's probably already named the baby, read him books, had conversations with him.
Dr. Gregory House: See, you get it. She'll listen to you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You let this woman refuse to terminate, you're helping her commit suicide. As her doctor, my recommendation is against suicide.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If the baby had a doctor, I think she would recommend exhausting all possibilities before taking its life.
Dr. Gregory House: Then she'd be an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Too bad she's your boss.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Do you think people can change?
Dr. Robert Chase: No. But I don't think that's gonna change your opinion, because... people don't change.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Take a deep breath.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Wilson] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay?
Dr. Gregory House: I put the bisexual chick on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak...
Dr. James Wilson: We do need a bigger refrigerator. She hurt my friend. She should be punished.
Dr. Gregory House: You got mad? I'm proud of you. Cuddy won't share the sentiment. How you gonna explain it to her?
Dr. James Wilson: Changing our address to a PO box.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll find out eventually.
Dr. James Wilson: Problem delayed is a problem denied.
[Makes a call on his cell phone]
Dr. James Wilson: Bonnie. I'll take it.
- I know this is not real marriage, but I really like you.
- I like you, too.
- Marine: Yeah, man, what'd you do?
- Don't look at me, 'cause you know I didn't do it. All right?
- Hey! You better have put fresh batteries in that thing like I told you.
- No. I did, sarge. Right when you gave them to me. I did.
- I put them in.
- Well, then hit it or something.
- Otherwise you all are gonna have to listen to me sing!
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Park] You've been working for House for two weeks. It's already too long.
- You're not gonna leave.
- You can't.
- Fine. You're right.
- You know what I can do?
- I can go in there and call a babysitting service for 15 bucks an hour, then call cuddy and tell her who's watching her kid and why.
- I'll stay if you stay.
- I'm your secret Santa.
- You're not supposed to tell.
- But you got a present already, which means you have more than one secret Santa.
- Or somebody else wants to make me happy.
- Merry Christmas.
Dr. James Wilson: [referring to his brother] I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible. Instead, we're just strangers. It's kind of anti-climatic.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is better than terrible.
- In humans, it's only ever been theorized, and it was never proved.
- Until now.
- Mommy, baby. Your daughter has only maternal DNA.
- I personally checked this five times.
- In seven months, you will have a virgin birth.
- Merry Christmas.
- You're welcome.
- I'm never thanking you.
- You turned me in.
- I told you we were doing okay.
- It was none of your business.
- Look, I don't care how you were living.
- I just wanted you out of my life.
- That's why I had Dr. Cuddy call social services.
Stacy: Where's Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a couple of minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, "What'll we do with the time left over?"
- You're drunk.
- All right, I...
- I needed to get wasted. I did.
- And now I'm better.
- What aren't you telling me?
- Nothing.
Martha: Did you always know that sailing was 'it' for you? That it was the right thing?
Kendall: I didn't even start till I was 10 & at first I was not a fan. Certainly there's plenty not to like about sailing.
Martha: But now that you're so into it...
Kendall: Oh, no. There's still plenty of things I hate about it. I hate being wet. I hate being cold. I hate eating nothing but freeze dried food.
Martha: That was quite the endorsement.
Kendall: Sailing is amazing, but it doesn't mean I love every second on the boat. Doing what you love means dealing with things you don't. If there were nothing to overcome it might not be that... ow!
[reacting to pain in her arm - end of scene]
- I can't. Why not?
- I never sleep with married women.
- I'm going to bed.
- You can take the couch.
- You caused him pain.
- If the world is just, you have to suffer equally?
- You're not god, house.
- You're just another screwed-up human being who needs to move on.
- Apologize to him.
- Let yourself feel better.
- Then you can learn to let yourself keep feeling better.
Dr. Allison Cameron: 20-year-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: Children?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think pregnancy would explain the...
Dr. Gregory House: It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20?
- but you couldn't be bothered to work at it, so you just put in random letters.
- You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to see it through.
- I'm gonna assume you're not a cop.
- Are the five minutes up?
Dr. Gregory House: I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what The Rock was cookin'.
[raises his eyebrow]
- It is possible, but...
- Wouldn't cause hallucinations.
- It could if he also had paraneoplastic syndrome.
- Get a biopsy.
- You think it's cancer?
- I think you should get a biopsy.
- They told me that when I decided to run for senator with only $58 in my savings account.
- And they were wrong and they are still telling me that now, that I don't have a chance because I'm black, because I don't have the right nose, because I still only have $58 in my savings account.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Foreman] When... when you were dying, you tried to infect me. Because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying too.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm happy I changed jobs, but I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You miss people trying to kill you?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No. I miss... people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up. I shouldn't have helped them mess with your patient.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sighs] They had to screw with me. I've gotten everything wrong.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't believe it. You're not gonna get everything right. But you're never gonna get everything wrong.
- Well?
- Disgustingly satisfying.
- He said it was okay.
- Is one of you Dr. House?
- You've seen Spartacus, right?
- I got an order here to deactivate and remove his ankle monitor.
Dr. Gregory House: [Searching for the cat] Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth puss that really does it.
- Lue? Can you hear me?
- What's wrong? I'm not sure.
- Lue, I need you to squeeze my hand.
- He's not responding.
- Get me an amp of d50.
- You're wrong again?
- I'm calling his grandfather.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor. I need to know.
- And we're in.
- Start draining the amniotic fluid.
- Have you never sucked beer out of the bottom of a keg?
- Where'd you go to college?
- Give me that.
- He's smoking!
- Literally. You ass!
- Five more seconds. No!
- Getting a good image isn't going to mean anything if he doesn't have a rib cage.
- Got it!
- He does not have smallpox.
- Yes, he does.
- It itches.
- Broda: He's just developed pustules.
- He's now too dangerous to transport.
- Get out of the hallway.
Michael: [to House] I spoke with the DA. He agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea.
Dr. Gregory House: Get out of my office.
Dr. James Wilson: No jail time.
Dr. Gregory House: Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong.
Michelle: Well, you'll have to send me their numbers.
- Cuddy: Yay!
Dr. Chris Taub: Three weeks isn't so bad.
Eva: It's not three weeks. This is what he's always done. Just one more tour.
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm sorry.
Eva: The pathetic thing is, I let myself believe that he could change, he could be this other guy. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never gonna stop disappointing you.
- She was a cheerleader. Hah.
- You know, when you're interested in something and nobody else is, the polite thing is to keep it to yourself.
- Popular, beautiful, gregarious.
- Hydrogen sulphide is about two parts per billion, the size of a healthy fart.
- I'll be back for you in July.
James: You can't go in there.
Dr. Gregory House: Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?
James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a parent about her crying daughter] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking up exasperated] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me because you have the hots for me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're still here because you have the hots for me.
Dr. Gregory House: Evidenced by the fact that I'm the one who moved into your office.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's the biggest office and I'm not the one that destroyed...
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention? Are you screwing with me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you screwing with me?
Dr. Gregory House: That depends on your answer.
[House and Cuddy stare at each other]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Everybody knows this is going somewhere. I think we're supposed to kiss now.
Dr. Gregory House: We already did that.
[puts his hand on Cuddy's breast]
Dr. Gregory House: It seemed like the logical next step.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Really? I'm an idiot for being surprised.
Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Bigger.
- Have any problem with bugs or rodents?
- Just the occasional ant.
- Use bug spray?
- No, I hate the smell.
- Luckily both of us are pretty anal about keeping things clean.
- Yeah, I can tell.
Officer: Was there any indication that something would happen?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah. Every moment I was with him. I was always waiting for something to happen... But this?
Dr. Eric Foreman: And when that case comes along that I can't figure out, you know who I'd have to go to?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Or you can just let that patient die, that's completely up to you.
Jason: I've been to 16 doctors in the last two years. Had three full-body CTs and two MRIs, seven blood panels and one homeopathic consult.
Dr. Gregory House: And all that was missing was the threat of violence.
Dr. Gregory House: Important thing is you keep prescribing the same amount of drugs to me. Or it'll look suspicious.
Dr. James Wilson: Here's another way to look at it. Having forced me to lie to the police, your first concern is securing your "drug-connection"!
Amber: [to Chase] Do you think House could be wrong?
Dr. Robert Chase: I thought he fired you.
Amber: No, he fired the men.
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't think he's wrong.
Amber: If he is, how would I prove it?
Dr. Robert Chase: Just said I don't think he is.
Amber: Well, thinking isn't good enough.
Dr. Robert Chase: You'd have to run a blood test for anti-centromere antibodies.
Amber: Would you mind running the labs?
Dr. Robert Chase: You can't.
Amber: Well, I can, but...
Dr. Robert Chase: No, I was making a statement. You've been fired, so you no longer have lab privileges. You weren't coming here for advice. You're coming here to con a favor to save your job. Sorry. I'm not working for him anymore, but he can still make my life miserable.
[begins to walk away]
Amber: You have a chance to make his life miserable.
[Chase stops and turns around]
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm insulted. You conned Cameron by appealing to her humanity.
Amber: I told her what she wanted to hear.
Dr. Robert Chase: And you told me what you thought I wanted to hear.
Amber: If it's any consolation, I think your motives are more interesting.
Dr. Robert Chase: I cannot believe he fired you. Go draw his blood. Meet you in the lab when I'm done here.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [as Cuddy is about to be examined] You really don't have to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm mainly talking about *them*.
[Cut to House's team]
Dr. Chris Taub: It's the new CNA in the third floor.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The redhead? She's hot.
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, and I'm seeing her again tomorrow night.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't know how you do it. Is it the cute, harmless vibe, the self-deprecating humor, or just straight-up roofies?
Dr. Chris Taub: If you're interested, I do seminars.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] You and Taub do a full work up. Observe her overnight. See if she has another seizure.
[to Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: You can go.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why does he get the night off?
Dr. Gregory House: Because he brought a smokin' hot babe.
[the team turns and sees Chase's date]
Dr. Chris Taub: I have plans with my wife.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, nice try. You hate your personal life.
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: You obviously don't have one.
- I think there's something in it.
- This isn't right.
- You dumped me.
- You don't get to be mad.
- We had a really good thing.
- You broke the rules. I'm angry.
- I'll get over it.
- what difference does it make?
- It's not about the money.
- This is not a negotiation.
- It never was.
- I need to know that whatever
- I ask you to do, however distasteful you find it, you'll do it.
- And just as importantly, you need to know that.
- If they have them,
- I'll get you some dip, but I've never seen dip in the vending machine...
- Yes, get me chips and dip. What else?
- I get it, I get it.
- Plan b. "B" is for blackmail.
- I got you covered.
- Commando style.
- realizes he's got a sore throat...
- You can stop me whenever you like.
- Have chase start him on steroids.
- I already did.
- Then why are you telling me?
- Because I wanted you to hear it from me.
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns around finds Wilson and Cuddy] I forgot. you guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I- I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And *you*. Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Dr. James Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
Dr. Gregory House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink Scotch and watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. James Wilson,15140: Yes!
- There's a sharrie's bar on third, right off the bus route.
- Wilson's right.
- We need to make her colder.
- Putting more ice on her is just delaying the diagnosis.
- Not on, in.
- Fill her lungs with slurry.
- Where are you going?
- Taking Wilson out for a drink.
- Are you okay?
Martin: Alex!
Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?
Dr. James Wilson: Excuse me. Ethics... confidentiality... does any of this ring a bell?
- Cameron had this one insufferable friend.
- She wasn't going to get rid of her, and I sure wasn't going to join them.
- So I just said,
- "see her on Thursdays."
- I know it's not as exciting as an exploding birthday cake, but, hell, I don't want to hang out with her every night anyway.
- That's amazing. Cameron only has one insufferable friend?
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody can hate humanity after getting shot. Takes a big man to hate it beforehand.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House about Kutner] You worked with him every day for two years and you never saw this coming.
Dr. Gregory House: No one saw it coming.
Dr. James Wilson: But you see everything coming. This has never been about what you missed. This is about why you missed it. You're terrified that you're losing your gift, losing who you are. And I'm terrified of what you'd do then.
- It'll be fun, like a sleepover.
- That would be such a help.
- Thank you.
- Wilson: House.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm here because...
- Nothing you can say is going to change anything.
- My mechanic called. Said the work's been paid for.
- You mentioned your car was in the shop.
- That's $4,500.
- Smile and say thank you, or I get you GPS.
- You win.
- Thank you.
Martha: No one will stop Kendall sailing. You need to step in.
Dr. Gregory House: Sign on the door says I'm a Diagnostician. Cool diagnosis means I'm finished.
Martha: She could die.
Dr. Gregory House: Pretty sure the law of the land says that everyone has the right to be an idiot - think it's the Second Amendment.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!
[Wilson sighs in surrender]
Michael: [to House] I was waiting two hours out there.
Dr. Gregory House: Fascinating. Have you considered a career as a memoirist?
- We have an epidemic.
- Two sick babies is very sad, but it doesn't prove an epidemic.
- How many do?
- Get up. We're going hunting.
- For what?
- Wabbits.
- My bet is she mentions me to Mark as little as possible.
- Because she thinks that he thinks that she still has feelings for me.
- You know why she thinks that?
- Because she still has feelings for you?
- If you're right, she did tell him and
- I don't get through the door tonight.
- If I'm right...
- Not inamrinone could cause death.
- Death's worse.
- We have to get her up to the icu.
- Woman on P.A. system: Cardiac team to icu stat. Cardiac team to icu stat.
- Sorry, a little crowded here.
- House, get out of the elevator.
- You're welcome to wait for the next one.
- You got her?
- Got her.
- You're an only child, aren't you?
- Why would you say that?
- Because everything is about you.
- This may seem incredibly controversial, but I think sexual abuse is bad.
- I just wanted to make sure he wasn't being diddled by daddy or mommy.
- Anything else is just a bonus.
Emory: Aren't there actual medical tests?
Dr. Gregory House: Dead patients usually get lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust mean arsenic.
Emory: What's brown mean?
Dr. Gregory House: [Picking up the glass] Scotch.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] I decided you were wrong.
Dr. Gregory House: God, you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
Dr. Gregory House: Wow.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: God, you're weak.
[Cameron rolls her eyes]
Dr. Gregory House: Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. I've got a gun in my desk. Last thing on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not here for Foreman. I'm here to save myself.
- That was a game, not real life.
- I didn't...
- Hurt anyone?
- Try telling that to Shannon.
- Or maybe I missed something while she was crying by your bed.
- You don't need to win anyone's heart.
- You just need to ask for it.
- Am I dead?
- Hopefully not for a long time.
- Why are you here?
- Amy called me.
- If you do mom again, you gotta wear a condom.
- You're gonna have gonorrhea in your system for a while.
- I'm just curious.
- Nothing wrong with that.
- No. Nothing wrong with that.
- What do you think? Red thongs?
- I think red thongs.
- Okay, 20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
- You're on.
- Count me in.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [after Alex's dad admits to having sex with her] We have to call child protective services.
Dr. Gregory House: Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Doesn't apply in abuse cases. You know that. We're mandated to report sexual abuse.
Dr. Gregory House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure Daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to the board] If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go, then vote yes, but if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right! He does own you. You have a choice. Maybe the last real one you'll have here.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: You are trying to force me to have cosmetic surgery!
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's exactly why I planted a 30-pound tumor on your ovary.
Dr. Gregory House: No fever, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor...
Dr. James Wilson: Whoa whoa whoa... wrong floor! No fever no neck pain, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Smell her hair - no chlorine. Which means she wasn't at the pool. Which means she's come to a quarantined area - because she's an idiot, or she's insane! No one is that stupid. East Wing, Psych Ward - buh-bye!
- You know, I'm just asking because...
- Well, he's...
- You know what? Never mind.
- It's none of my business.
- You guys have fun tonight.
- I'm not seeing him tonight.
- We had plans but, he canceled.
Dr. James Wilson: [while talking about Foreman] He really is gonna leave, you know that, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
Dr. James Wilson: So what are you gonna do?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions. Doesn't even want a better job. He wants to not be me.
Dr. James Wilson: Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone, but yourself.
Dr. Gregory House: He's right.
- You really don't feel bad about killing me?
- Not if you don't feel bad about killing yourself.
- I don't want to die.
- Yeah, you do.
- You just don't have the nerve to actually do it.
- You just want it out of your control.
- Well, it is. Because I've got a gun.
Arlene: [to House] So, say you two got married. Would you convert to Judaism?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We haven't gotten that far, mom.
Dr. James Wilson: That's actually a really interesting question.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm an atheist.
Arlene: Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists. It's about community.
- It's just a few more hours.
- You're going to hurt yourself.
- I'm going to hurt you!
- As soon as we get a urine sample, we can leave you alone.
- You want your sample?
- Here's your damn sample!
- Nate, don't!
- Hi. Remy, this is Dr. Turner from the pennsauken free clinic.
- We all loved meeting you, and the job's yours.
- Call me back, let's pick a start date.
- That, and the antibiotics you put him on.
- I did unhook your iodine, though.
- Didn't seem to fit with the whole "I'm just jerking you guys around" gestalt.
- You're unbelievable.
- Let's ask John if he'd rather be sick honestly or cured dishonestly.
- John? John?
- Now why would someone choose that?
- Because they hate themselves?
- Has it ever occurred to you that when I don't share something, it might not be meant as a challenge?
- It might just mean that I'd like there to be one molecule of my life that goes unexamined by Gregory house.
Dr. Gregory House: That's nothing. I woke up in the wrong bed this morning.
Nurse: Any bed you wake up in is the wrong one.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not what your momma said. Oh snap!
Dr. Gregory House: I need a genetic disease.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm sure you're carrying a few.
Dr. Gregory House: [after inducing seizure to the son of a coma guy] Gotta love this family!
Dr. James Wilson: [on the phone with House] Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
Dr. Gregory House: Bring it on!
- That's a patch made from the cow's pericardium.
- It's a sac that encloses the heart.
- What are her chances?
- The problem is, there might not be enough heart left once they remove all of the tumor.
- And if the tumor's metastasized, there's nothing we can do.
- Your child is very sick.
- You need to know that.
- This is a hail Mary pass.
- It might cure her. It might not.
- So, that'll cure him?
- We'll know in 24 hours if it's working.
- and this is our best chance to inform him of that fact.
- You don't think he's lame?
- Well, yeah, but...
- Then what's the problem?
- Okay.
- Female announcer on mic: The
- Robert page academy vocal jazz ensemble.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right.
Dr. James Wilson: You don't even know what I just said.
Dr. Gregory House: That is ridiculous. You said "Blah blah blah blah. Deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information.
- The room's spinning.
- You okay?
- Dizzy, my mouth just went dry.
- Could be a symptom of a...
- It's a symptom of narcotics.
- Who spiked my...
- Could be from anywhere. The spores can become airborne.
- But why would he be the only one?
- No one in our neighborhood, no one in his office building.
- Sometimes it just happens that way. It's hard to explain.
- No, it's not.
- I need to talk to my wife in private for a moment.
- I don't think I can do it.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
- Why is it okay with you?
- Why aren't you angry?
- That's not the last feeling
- I want to experience.
- so in a contestfor my concern and interests, she wins.
- Okay, either you're a cold-hearted bastard, or you're too miserable to face it.
- Go home and cry.
- It's not rheumatoid arthritis, her liver's scarred.
- Whatever she's got, it's spreading.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't have TiVo on this thing! Can't rewind! Shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?
Cole: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Check your e-mail.
- Send her away.
- Too bitter.
- I already have enough bitter.
- I'll add some honey.
- You're pathetic.
- If you want the pill, just send her home.
- But you can't, because that would be admitting defeat to her.
Dr. Chi Park: [to House] You've spent your whole life looking for the truth, but sometimes the truth just sucks.
- Where I didn't abuse drugs and hallucinate?
- Yes.
- I'm fine.
- Nolan: You're fine?
- Your best friend is tossing you out, and you're fine?
- Why wouldn't I be?
Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy] Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there, but sitting near him and hoping isn't gonna get it done.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Leave here now or I'll take your office.
Dr. James Wilson: No, you won't.
[leaves]
- Just tell them.
- If you know what's wrong with you, tell them so they can fix it.
- How many projects have we done together?
- You're always so worried.
- Have you ever gone wrong trusting me?
- It's years of surgeons digging around in his head. Let him go.
- Redo every blood test he's ever had. Rescan his head.
- He's been suffering for eight years.
- I'm not gonna help you make it worse.
- I'm not gonna help you make it interesting.
- That's okay. Foreman's better at that stuff than you are.
- We need five-millimeter cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions.
- Hookeh me. I didn't pick up.
- The Chinese place...
- Wait, wait, wait. Who's that?
- He called four times.
- I don't know.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: This place actually smells of evil.
Dr. Chris Taub: Where do you work again?
- Last you heard, your father?
- He threw me out when I was 16.
- It's just as well.
- I got tired of getting bb guns for my birthday when I'd asked for a Barbie.
- Dads can be real sweethearts.
- Sensitive and cute.
- He's cute.
Dr. Amber Volakis: You're going to ignore your own subconscious? Gonna be the limp leading the blind.
- There was no repartee.
- That was repartee.
- I'm not doing this for you.
- I'm doing it to help my patient.
- It's just good to hear your voice.
- Goodbye.
Julia: Look, when you think about it. Tons of couple do what we do. It's just that with most of them, one spouse doesn't know about it. We decided things work better when people tell teach other the truth.
[last lines]
Dr. Lim: [entering] Hey, seriously man, you're not supposed to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: [slouched in a lounge chair] I'm performing a delivery.
Dr. Kubisak: You are?
Dr. Gregory House: A patient whose prenatal care I've been handling. Just took her on a couple minutes ago. Of course, I'll need one of you two guys to supervise.
Dr. Lim: When is she due?
Dr. Gregory House: Late March.
Dr. Kubisak: That's five months from now.
Dr. Gregory House: [big grin] Thank God these chairs are comfortable.
- What are you doing?
- I'm doing what we came here to do.
- It almost killed him.
- I know. I was right here.
- I need a vacutainer.
- His brain's been oxygen deprived for over eight minutes.
- There might be nothing left. He might...
- Tell the parents.
- Where the hell is that vacutainer?
Martha: You did an LP? Why didn't you page me?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to do one of those? You should've spoken up. You want the job or not?
Martha: Um... I... After careful consideration, I have decided to accept your offer for an internship.
Dr. Gregory House: Great. My department has a slightly different procedure log.
Martha: Uh, you forged the last one. I only did 9 LPs.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you know how to do an LP?
Martha: Of course.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you know how to do 9 LPs and say it was 10? It's time to grow up. Turn that in, the job is yours.
- We went in, wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell.
- A small team of low-level terrorists quietly living in some suburb of buffalo, waiting to kill us all.
- Are you trying to say the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?
- It was an excellent metaphor.
- Angio her brain before this clot straps on an explosive vest.
- are me and Mark.
- Well, I just know you.
- And I know you.
- You're confident, arrogant, but you're never certain unless there's a reason to be certain.
- One other person knew.
- I told you I was seeing dr Harper, you can easily get into her office.
- You read my file.
- and that's when she's dead.
- If it's not ms, severe mental illness and Vicodin are all that's left.
- Mental illness means you can no longer practice medicine.
- Vicodin means detox, which means pain.
- For the rest of your life.
- Which means you can no longer practice medicine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's it? You're not going to argue why this case is beneath you?
Dr. Gregory House: No point. I'm in an elevator, I can't run away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: That's just mean.
- The point is, is that she's one of the best singers ever.
- If Sally's mean to you again,
- I'm just gonna have to key her daddy's new convertible.
Boy: Great. And thank you!
- Do you know what that means?
- Good.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Wilson's back. You gonna say...
Dr. Gregory House: Gone two months. He can wait till I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward?
Dr. Gregory House: On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the Fifth.
- The sound of the people talking...
- It's a-flat.
- Is it?
- Well, look how smart you are, huh?
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
Dr. James Wilson: [after hearing that House got a present wrapped in green paper] Irene Adler. Christmas 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last-minute Wegener's diagnosis, but the hours he put in... I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her, but it was too soon after Stacy and... It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Really?
Dr. James Wilson: No, you idiots. House is just screwing with you.
- Gather up for meds.
- Asofa.
- Is he a dude?
- Hire a woman, too.
- Hire two women?
- You can have the one that gives a crap about people.
- They both do.
- Right.
- Hire thirteen.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a UFO: Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House yells at them] He's yelled at us before.
Dr. Allison Cameron: 'Cause he thought our theories were dumb, not because our theories were sending him to jail.
[Chase is playing with House's laser pointer]
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's going through withdrawal, could be causing mild paranoia. It'll pass, we just have to suffer through it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We never ruled out allergy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We gave her drugs, she had no negative reaction.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We cut open her belly, she got a rash on her belly. We did a scratch test on her back, she got a rash on her back. I know House ruled out mojo, but it can't be a coincidence.
[Chase points the laser pointer at Foreman]
Dr. Robert Chase: Little late to be playing differental games, isn't it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shields his eyes] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Dr. Robert Chase: Laser pointers don't burn you, genius.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Skin, no. Retina, yes.
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive...
[thinks for a minute, then has an epiphany. He puts down the laser pointer]
Dr. Robert Chase: He was wrong about the puppies!
[jumps from his seat and races out of the room]
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Your disdain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. You sign the charts, you're responsible for everything Chase does.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why this doesn't matter. She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. James Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up.
[fakes an Australian accent]
Dr. James Wilson: "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention. He'd never even met her. He never does."
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me and isn't Turkish.
- without that acid flowing through her veins.
- What's happening?
- We would've expected your wife's condition to show some improvement by now.
- It hasn't.
- It's going the other way.
- If you hadn'tjust had a fight with Mark...
- For once in your life, will you shut up?
- But if I'm right, his liver's in decline.
- It's curable, but if he doesn't get treatment, it could actually be fatal.
- This happens all the time.
- One of the symptoms of working for house, you start seeing zebras everywhere.
- There's nothing wrong with him.
- Her rules, not mine.
- The whole point of this was to subvert cuddy.
- You became her partner, gave her power she didn't already have.
- Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which sadly is not as dirty as it sounds.
- Thanks for playing.
Dr. Wilson: Hey. I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm savin' lives here.
Dr. Gregory House: [When House meets Dr. Park] I'm not interested in another department's sloppy seconds.
Dr. Chi Park: I'm not sloppy seconds.
Dr. Gregory House: 3:00 a.m. If Foreman had called you in from home, you wouldn't have pressed clothes, coiffed hair and makeup which means you were already here in the hospital.
Dr. Chi Park: Yes, I was on call for neurology.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if that were true, you'd be working right now and unavailable to help which means that you're hanging out in the hospital pretending to work which means you're not just a reject, you're a cowardly reject who was trying to hide her rejectedness from someone.
Dr. Chi Park: I am not a reject.
Dr. Gregory House: Then go back to neurology.
Dr. Chi Park: I can't. I punched my attending.
Dr. Gregory House: [when Foreman calls him] Got to let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple.
Dr. James Wilson: [When Chase puts House under hypnosis] Taxing an already injured brain. It's like telling him to walk it off after a broken ankle.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what this means?
Dr. James Wilson: Your mom's a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: That, and she's not as boring as I thought she was.
- And you just completely left the music business?
- Pop music is considered frivolous.
- Same reason we don't watch TV or go to movies.
- Your drug use may have caused some long-terrn damage.
- We're going to need to take a hair sample to test for latent toxins.
- So, you can never watch star wars again.
- 01,01, ready? Players: Break!
- Set!
- Blue 90. Hike.
- Good job! Second level, nice!
- Get off my quarterback!
Coach: Play's over!
- The play is over!
- You think this is a scam?
- I think you want me to feel sorry for you and either do the end-around on cuddy or give you the drugs.
- Either way, you get the high you think you need.
- House, your surgery worked. You're fine.
- It's just gonna take time for it to feel good.
Thirteen: Yeah, it sucks what he's doing to her too. But it's hardly the same. To be faithful to his wife, our patient has to deny his identity. Taub just needs to...
Dr. Gregory House: Resist his biological imperative.
Thirteen: It is easier to say no to dessert than to pretend you don't eat.
Dr. Gregory House: Says someone who's obviously never been on a diet.
- Dude.
- Is the room still spinning?
- Mine is.
- Maybe we shouldn't have taken so many?
- I'm gonna try to stand up.
- You be careful.
- Foreman told me you're ablating the patient's marrow on a non-theory that foreman himself withdrew.
- You're gonna kill the patient.
- Is this about me and Lucas?
- I want alternatives for the patient.
- So do I.
- And I don't have a digital copy.
- Well, I could stand here all day apologizing, but I'd rather expiate my sins with good, clean work.
- You ignoring my texts?
- The crazy ones you sent, trying to get me to make you feel better about destroying your classmate's life? No, I never got those.
Dr. Gregory House: [to his mother] It's great to see you.
Blythe House: Oh, Greg. Don't lie.
- I didn't think so.
- So, exploding head syndrome plus vision loss.
- Subclavian steal syndrome.
- Vascular defect coupled with constant arm movement could siphon blood flow from the brain.
Thirteen: We should do an angio, check his...
- Knock yourselves out.
- blocks blood flow to the brain.
- And life just isn't worth living without blood.
- It was hidden from the scans by the metal plate.
- And an infection in the jaw is unlikely to show up in blood tests.
- So how do we confirm?
- Like this.
- It's completely painless for most people.
- But not for me?
- I assume you got those tattoos in prison.
- Prison tats often contain inks with heavy metals.
- The mri is basically a giant magnet, suck those metallic inks right out of your skin.
- You're missing my point.
- I'm not gonna listen to a guy who can't name the reindeer.
- You saw what happened in the yard with Diaz.
- He barely said a couple of words and set the boy off.
- Oh, no.
- I know that look.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sixteen-year-old female gets pranked and also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting. Turns out to be a failing liver.
Dr. Gregory House: Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year.
Dr. Gregory House: When are you taking vacation?
[raises his eyebrows suggestively]
- She didn't even like us.
- We liked her.
- Did we?
- We do now.
- What do we say?
- We don't need to say anything.
- There was no expectations.
- I was just as into it...
- I was gonna come see you.
- Figure out where things would go from there.
- That was the morning I got the call from the Dean, and I was expelled from my first med school. There didn't seem any point.
- I should go to my room and review papers for the infectious disease panel.
Dr. Gregory House: Solving puzzles, saving lives is just collateral damage.
- "Eastbrook pharrnaceuticals' commitment to research excellence is exemplified by their new ace inhibitor, a breakthrough medical approach that will protect millions from heart disease."
- Where is Jules?
- Four years of college, four at med school, two years' residency, another four of subspecialty training, and where do I end up?
- Talking instead of digging.
- Come on. The ground's frozen solid.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [while Thirteen is examining Spencer] Look, I really had no intention of ever seeing you again.
Spencer: So, having me end up here is a little less than ideal. I get it, but we just met. How'd you know you didn't want to see me again?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: It's nothing personal. I'm just really not that into repeat performances.
Spencer: I figured I wasn't the first girl you cruised.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Why is that?
Spencer: You're awfully good at it.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You'd think with all that experience that I'd be better than a 7.
Spencer: We just met. We were both drunk. Not like there wasn't potential. Little more practice for the both of us, I'd say we're looking at a 9, but that would require a repeat performance.
- That's even crazier than the gift thing.
- House. There's no sign of tropheryma DNA.
- It's not whipple's.
- We did what we could.
- You sure you want to do this?
- Relax. This is gonna make me very happy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling him he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson sighs and rises] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool, or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail. Because she didn't try to control House. She *managed* him. She knew better than anyone what tool he can be.
Dr. James Wilson: [using a gruff disguised voice] House. This is God.
Dr. Gregory House: [while inside of the MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. James Wilson: Let me check. Ohh, I gotta plague! What about Friday?
Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer this time!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [as she enters the MRI room] House!
Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. Gregory House: God, why have you forsaken me?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase] You slept with your patient? You're off the case.
Dr. Robert Chase: I saved her from brain damage. You think my judgment's the least bit compromised?
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's still sick. If she dies, we'll be in the middle of a brand-new investigation.
Dr. Robert Chase: This is about you covering your own ass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I gave you time, leeway and you decided to do whatever the hell you wanted.
Dr. Robert Chase: House can dance all over the rules, gets me knifed and he gets a pass. I break a rule, no one gets hurt, but you kick me off my own case?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Unfortunately, yes.
Dr. Chi Park: [to Taub] Chase let me move in with him to get away from my grandmother. Then, he practically let my grandmother move in with the both of us. He's being way more than nice.
Dr. Chris Taub: Then which answer is it? Chase feels guilty for pushing you to move out?
Dr. Chi Park: He didn't push me.
Dr. Chris Taub: Guilt about skanks.
Dr. Chi Park: He loves skanks.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's not the other option.
Dr. Chi Park: There are people that like me. People even want to sleep with me. Some of them are even good-looking.
Dr. Chris Taub: That good-looking?
Dr. Eric Foreman: What about Chase? You believe all that nonsense about him being celibat?
Dr. Chris Taub: Don't know. But I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then you're going to be miserable.
Dr. Chris Taub: Those studies, it's important that they have control.
[Houses' patient has just collapsed]
Dr. Gregory House: This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!
- the patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?
- That's house. He knows things.
- But usually he's putting it in our face.
- Telling us how cleverly he figured it out.
- This time, nothing.
- Just "I had a hunch."
- That is weird.
- Again?
- Yeah, you were in my face.
- No, I wasn't.
- You were...
- You came in here with Wilson and...
- That was a hallucination.
- No, you...
- Which means this is a hallucination.
Dr. Gregory House: Let's go for a walk. Walks look good on camera - they give the illusion of the story moving forward.
- On the other hand, maybe he's smarter than you think.
- What's going on?
- Just give me a second.
- Always wanted to use one of these.
- Tilt his head back.
- I don't know. I...
- Just tilt his head back.
Ramona: My OB/GYN died recently. He's a nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. Gregory House: Not anymore.
- Oh!
- I think he just wet the bed.
- for some pointless speculation.
- You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them?
- No. They're gonna lie through their lying little chemical teeth.
- Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
- Even I don't like you.
- You know, words can hurt.
Lucy: Dr. House.
- Luke, we're making Dr. House wait.
- That's okay. We're just here for the music.
- Luke, come on.
- to help my family.
- I know I never get a good job, never save money or own my own house like you.
- But, Manny, he's smart.
- He's the best in his class.
- Well, maybe Manny doesn't have to quit school. Maybe you can...
- I told you the next morning. Hypothetically.
- I asked you how you'd feel if Beth had gotten pregnant, and you said, and I quote, "it would be the worst mistake of my life."
- And scene.
- Two performances Sunday, dark mondays?
- Just as well.
[Scoffs] I don't believe you.
- What, you don't think a white guy can be a bad father?
- Happy to check your DNA, but do you really think he'd say he's your dad if he isn't?
- It's not like you're a catch.
- Is this an apology?
- Part of the program.
- If you don't like it, I can stop.
- Not at all.
- It's just so unfamiliar.
- Please, keep going.
- Patient's heart just stopped.
- So what causes that?
- Cardiac tamponade.
- She's bleeding into her pericardium, smothering her heart. Syringe.
- BP is going back up.
- It's working.
- No, it's not. Look.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
[last lines]
Dr. Gregory House: It'll end horribly.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Not for him. She make take all his money. He may be a naive idiot. But he'll always be hopeful. So he'll always be happy.
Dr. Gregory House: You lost your mother. Euthanized your brother. You have the life expectancy of a pretty good sit com. If you can convince yourself that you'll be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: And you - dumped by everyone you ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh my God. You invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero!
- Where are you going?
- My apartment's on the West Side.
- Excuse me, you need to go the other way.
- Hey, did you hear what I said?
- What the hell's going on here? What do you want?
- House: An autographed picture would be nice.
- Oh, and I'm also going to save your life.
Katherine: [to House] The pageant starts in an hour. You have to do something. There's something wrong inside her head. It's like she has no idea what's going on around her.
[waves her hand in front of Rosabel who doesn't react to what she's doing]
Dr. Gregory House: I thought she was just flirting with me.
[Katherine gives him a look and Rosabel stares blankly at him]
Dr. Gregory House: I can fix it, but it's gonna cost you... $3.75. I'm not just gonna give you my coffee.
[He hands his cup of coffee to Rosabel]
Dr. Gregory House: Think of it as Costa Rican sober juice.
Katherine: She's drunk?
Dr. Gregory House: That little minty scent hiding beneath the rose petal perfume and the cherry blossom moisturizer and the morning dew hair spray.
[to Rosabel]
Dr. Gregory House: You sneak into Mommy's bathroom and gulp some of her mouthwash?
Rosabel: [slurring her words] Gotta be perfect.
Dr. Gregory House: You spit it out?
Rosabel: Mommy doesn't.
- That was stupid.
- House: Is that like a synonym for "clever"?
- Time they get out of solitary,
- I'll be teaching physics at the university of Fiji.
- You have four days left.
- How many more tricks do you got?
[two cute twins argue a diagnosis]
Dr. Gregory House: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.
Dr. Robert Chase: You really don't think you're a knight, do you?
William: Being a knight isn't a game. It's a lifestyle. And we do it everyday. Not just when we play dress up. We live by a code and uphold ideals like: loyalty, courage, humility.
Dr. Chris Taub: And the part where you beat the crap out of each other in armor?
William: That we do for fun. At least it was, until yesterday.
Dr. Gregory House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.
Samira: That's fine. X-files are the next wing over.
Dr. Chris Taub: [speaking of Cuddy] Just tell her how you feel. If you won't, then I will. I'll walk right down there. Damn it. Love like this needs to fly free.
Dr. Gregory House: [Kutner and Thirteen muffle their laughs] You talked to Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Your therapist is an idiot!
- You swallow it, and it goes all the way through your system.
- The antennae pick up the signal from the pill.
- Then we look at the video of your intestines, see where the blood is coming from, and fix it.
- All right? Water?
- Down the hatch.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You had no problem treating that guy on death row.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Who is still in prison after we patched him up. We fix Dibala, he gets on a plane and executes half his country. He's been repressing an ethnic rebellion in the south, the Sitibi people... It's getting *worse*.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Dibala is a guest of the US Government. And he's been invited to speak at the UN. I'm not asking you to love him, I'm asking you to do your job.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't blame our break up for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.
- Dr. Treiber?
- I'm cold.
Dr. Gregory House: You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me will be over.
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, I'm actually *for* this. I think this is great! But if you're serious and you don't treat it seriously then you will get hurt. And if you don't accept that, then accept that she will get hurt.
- I see. You're daring.
- Yes, I do that sometimes.
- But right now, why am I daring?
- You're not constrained by rules.
- What else attracts you in the patio section?
- Wait. This is a patio table? For outside?
Bert: Haven't you ever done something in a relationship that you wished you could take back?
Dr. Robert Chase: ...Maybe.
Bert: How'd you handle it?
Dr. Robert Chase: I told her the truth - eventually.
Bert: How'd that work out?
Dr. Robert Chase: Not well.
- You want me to start a fight?
- Just agitate a little.
- Use something from the history.
- You're not lying to them.
- In fact, you'd be telling the truth and serving their medical needs.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, mistress.
- Lanellane!
- What the hell just happened?
- I was about to ask you the same thing.
- Bobby's the one who got her to do one more round.
- Yeah. And then he got her drunk.
- At least tell me you haven't been drinking today.
- I should go. Yeah.
- Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
Bobby: Hey, beautiful.
- That was kind of you.
- I didn't want him going postal on us.
- As soon as his wife's heart's in our hands you can tell him about the gonorrhea.
- He's got to be tested.
- Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex.
- Shut up.
- Open that blind, just a few inches.
- Why me?
- Just open it. Open it.
- Why me? Anyone can do it.
- Why pick me?
- Get back! Get back!
- I will kill her unless you back the hell out of there now!
Tucker: [to Wilson] You're the only one who can make cancer sound good.
- Yeah, seventh time is the charm. Sorry.
- I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye.
- I'm not telling the husband anything until I can tell him why his...
- It doesn't matter.
- Her heart can't start.
- She's dead.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.
- You were right.
- I told him we need to lay down some ground rules, it got a little heated.
- That's not what I meant.
- Is he okay?
- Are you going to be fired? Arrested?
- Everything's fine.
- Wow.
- Okay, so I drove a car into a wall instead of stealing some pills.
- You obviously don't care what
- I did, you care that I lied to you.
- You feel jilted. I feel stupid.
- It doesn't even make sense.
- Why are you doing time?
- You didn't have any priors.
- You didn't hurt anyone.
- I had a bad lawyer.
- He knew the answer.
- He wanted to check on me.
- But he needed an excuse.
- Otherwise he could be accused of caring.
- So your testimony is that
- Dr. House's complete lack of concern is evidence of his deep concern?
Dr. Jessica Adams: It doesn't even make sense. Why are you doing time? You didn't have any priors. You didn't hurt anyone.
Dr. Gregory House: I had a bad lawyer.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I'm sorry. We can't talk about this case anymore.
Dr. James Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks were gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirtbags.
Dr. Gregory House: Mendacious dirtbags comes more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that.
Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12! It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Oh, great! Now everyone knows!
Dr. Chris Taub: You knew the patient had cancer?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that what she said? I thought she said: "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career, even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt because I am trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half." Been waiting two months for her to say that.
Martin: [after Alex goes into cardiac arrest during her detox] You son of a bitch. You killed her.
Dr. Gregory House: She's not dead.
Martin: She had a heart attack!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's stable now. The anesthesia...
Martin: Get her out of that coma.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't think so.
[starts to walk away]
Martin: Stop this. All right. I... I don't consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox.
Dr. Gregory House: [stops walking and looks at Martin] Did you ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Well, multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she'll experience if we wake her up now. We're committed to this. She's out till morning. Go get a book.
- I'm out.
- Stone cold bluff.
- You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
- They don't match either.
- I'm gonna take some air.
- You don't believe that.
- But you do.
- No, I don't.
- Foreman, forget the biopsy.
- His liver will be gone before you get the results.
- Start treatment with cyclophosphamide before the wegener's punches a hole in another pipe.
Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance.
- I'll give you one.
Bowman: And no more testing drugs on the sick doctor.
- Fine.
- Send in the drugs.
- Son, come here, come here.
- House, you can't...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Postpartum psychosis makes her want to drown her kid. The internal conflict triggers a seizure.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what else might be a trigger? A physical illness. It's a wild idea, I know especially since she doesn't have any obviously physical symptoms like internal bleeding or excess calcium.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'll draw some blood, test for...
Dr. Gregory House: Ahhhh! Jesus! You've done it again! Will you argue with me? Drinkers don't eat right. Explains the bleeding and the calcium. This might just be some crazy drunk and I'm telling you that she's about to die of myelogenous meningitis.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We already tested for...
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly! It's an insane idea!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Okay. What do you want me to do?
Dr. Gregory House: Have an original thought.
- Absolutely.
- And I'm gonna let him get as far away as possible before you call the cops.
- Guy's a nut job.
- Who the hell did I leave in charge?
- Foreman.
- There was a reason for that.
- Next time, listen to him.
- Why did you try to kill me?
- I didn't.
- Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.
- If I'd have killed you, it would have been over.
- I needed you to live,
- 'cause I want to see you suffer.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Very interesting practice you must've run. No need for tests. No need for proof. Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Proof store.
[House diagnoses the chronically sick absent professor]
Dr. Gregory House: [indicates mug] And this guy is not the "World's Greatest Dad"." Not even ranked. Who the hell lets their kids play with lead-based paint? That's why he's always sick. Find him some plastic cups and the class is all his again.
Dr. Wilson: [House has interrupted a consult with a patient] Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. Gregory House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.
- I'm thirsty.
- Your mommy says no,
- 'cause she's mean.
- If it was up to me...
- Juice!
- No. Go back to bed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, you don't use hunches. You always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll be fine by... dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: House only doing what House wants is the only way he can function. Since the break up, he's been seeking out crazier and crazier things to do because they're crazy. This - well, it's not crazy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, just irresponsible and possibly dangerouse.
Dr. James Wilson: By House standards, it's dully. This he's doing because he's interested. I think House getting back to doing - stupid House stuff for stupid House reasons is the best thing that could happen to him.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] If you're gonna fire someone, go ahead and do it, but don't treat us like lab rats, testing how long it takes us to get us at one another's throats.
- Don't you?
- Ben?
- Since when?
- Since just before istarted pretending I loved it.
- I'm sorry.
- I was just trying to be supportive.
- Fine. I'll go alone.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's dangerous. It could kill him. You should do it.
- He's a virgin, how do I explain the std?
- It's a medical diagnosis. Screw the parents, the kid's our patient.
- I guess Taub's got a tough choice to make when the kid wakes up.
- Why is it my choice?
- Because you're a dad.
- How could the rest of us possibly understand?
- Anorexia.
- Now you're just desperate.
- Biliary tumor causing paraneoplastic syndrome.
- That might actually fit.
- I'll scan to confirm.
- You'd do that for me?
- You don't have the time.
- Which means I can ask for 25% of your income and you'll give it to me.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Forget it. We can't give a liver to a woman this sick.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you listen to what you're saying?
- which basically means...
- My pituitary is overproducing acth, which is causing my adrenal glands to push too much cortisol into my bloodstream.
- What a coincidence.
- I'm a doctor, too.
- Yeah, I had it last year.
- They did brain surgery, removed an adenoma from my pituitary.
Dr. Gregory House: [comes into Cuddy's office] Okay, fine! I'll father your child! But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.
- You can't blame yourself for her death.
- This wasn't your fault.
[Yells] That's the point!
- I did everything right.
- She died anyway.
- Why the hell did you think that would make me feel any better?
- What the hell?
- We're taking you into custody. Deportation order.
- I'm a citizen. You're disrespecting Puerto Rico.
- If you're a citizen, why did you miss yourheanng?
- You called them?
- What's going on?
Eve: [to House] I just want to talk.
Dr. Gregory House: About nothing.
[Eve nods her head]
Dr. Gregory House: We talk about nothing, nothing will change.
Eve: It might.
Dr. Gregory House: How?
Eve: Time. Time changes everything.
Dr. Gregory House: It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Cuddy] Great work today. I should've trusted your instincts. I will in the future.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I quit.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I think I just apologized. If you want, I can get down on my knees.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's not because of you. I approved an insane procedure with no proof, no evidence, no...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You made the right call. The problem was a brain problem. Without the procedure, House never notices the increased left-brain function. She'd be dead if you hadn't said yes.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I know, but... I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him. He's in my head. And if you gave anyone else this job, they would always say no, because... well, because they should. House is insane.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Which leaves me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm sorry.
- Yes. Because of the statement, "we like each other."
- You've known him 25 minutes.
- All you know about him is that he'd lie about a quinoa salad, whatever the hell that is.
- You're jealous of an 11-year-old because you are an 11-year-old.
- Taking off your clothes doesn't count as either of those.
- This one's your call.
- Son...
- Dad, you have to have faith in me.
- I have faith in the lord.
- You, I trust, as much as you can trust a teenage boy.
- Take off your clothes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?
Dr. Eric Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping racist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know that dad was racist?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He beat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that...
Dr. Gregory House: You see racism everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.
- and you are trying to argue until fate takes it out of your hands.
- You're taking the cowardly way out.
- And worse, you're too cowardly to even admit you're taking the cowardly way out.
- You're right.
- But I can change.
- Not a chance. I love you guys.
- Please dig out the cysts, histology to confirm Von hippel-lindau.
- Don't forget her chesticles.
- I can't feel my stomach!
- I don't feel that!
- I don't feel anything!
- Paralysis is ascending.
- If it keeps going we're gonna need a respirator.
- What? What are you saying?
- Can you breathe?
- No. Not yet.
Lulu: They're gonna run out of air. I'm happy to kill my daughter, but I feel a little awkward about killing your son.
Wilson: Be not afraid. The forest nymphs have taught me how to please a woman.
Dr. Gregory House: Be not afraid, Wilson. You took risks for your art.
Thirteen: Be not afraid.
Cafeteria: Be not afraid.
- He wanted to know about you.
- He wanted to warn me that you'd be calling for something, and he told me if I wanted to help you get better, I had to let him do his job.
- Yeah, well, now I'm calling you to tell you that if he calls you...
- House, I'm so sorry.
- I wish I could help you.
- You can.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I already accepted a position somewhere else.
Dr. Gregory House: With who?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yule, at Jefferson.
Dr. Gregory House: Unaccept it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because Yule is boring. He's pedantic and preachy. Because he's short. Because I want you to come back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Not good enough.
Dr. Gregory House: Want more money? A car allowance? Better parking space?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.
Dr. Gregory House: You'll come back to work if I go out on a date with you?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, it's a deal.
[House and Cameron shake on it]
Dr. Allison Cameron: See you tomorrow morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be late.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I won't.
- surrendering my will to this higher power.
- I'm sure andré's ghost has my back and all, but my free will,
- I never leave home without it.
- Kind of like your pills.
- If you could do this on your own,
- I assume you wouldn't be here.
- True.
- Do you hear any other voices besides mine?
- No. Answer me.
- You've been suffering from delusions.
- They were caused by a vitamin deficiency, pellagra.
- It made you believe things that were not real.
- Like the voices.
- Don1.
- Thank you.
- Are you doing your daughter?
- What?
- We should probably talk privately, huh?
- Come on, walk with me.
- Come on.
- He's not!
- I'm sure he's not.
- She is a babe, though.
Dr. Gregory House: It was true.
Eve: What was?
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't my grandmother, but it was true.
Eve: Who was it?
Dr. Gregory House: It was my dad.
Eve: I'd like to tell you what happened to me now.
Dr. Gregory House: I'd like to hear it.
[Dr. House, to delay a surgery, has violently sneezed and coughed all over the sterile Dr. Hourani]
Anesthesiologist: There's no way we can do the surgery now.
Dr. Hourani: [shouts] Ya think?
- She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab.
- Too much guilt.
- She left you.
- Harsh toke, dude.
- House.
- Killjoy.
- I'll have to sign lefty.
- My fingers aren't working.
- Foreman: Have you been coughing a lot?
- Does it hurt?
- It's like I can't get air.
- Is it from the toxo?
- No. This... this is new.
- You don't need to sign.
- We can't do the biopsy.
- The veins on your right side are distended.
- What does that mean?
- There's a bulge in your supraclavicular notch.
- There's something in there.
- What?
- I'm not that good a doctor.
- Bedroom as well.
- Most dangerous thing in his medicine cabinet was dental floss.
- Itslocked.
- Key wasn't on his ring.
- You honestly want to go back and tell house we didn't check every square inch of this place?
- Of course not.
- Is that patient Kendall Pearson?
- I thought she was discharged.
- Mmm. It's a house case.
- I never know what that guy is up to.
- I want you to scrub in on my lung harvest.
- But it's my first day.
- Yes, I know. I was there. Be scrubbed and ready in 15 minutes.
- then wean him off again.
- Just much slower.
- Why are you looking at him?
- Try it out.
- You heard the boss. Go!
- Taub...
- I didn't talk to her.
- Well phrased, thoughtful...
- Identically phrased.
- These are all the same.
- Because underneath it all, we are all the same.
- And foreman refused to type his up.
- Well, it's more than I expected.
- There's an extra one in there.
- How did I get here?
- What are you talking about?
- I was in the icu, and then I was coming down these stairs with you guys.
- What happened in between?
- I don't remember how I got here.
- Jessica: Code grey!
- Get haloperidol.
- Taub: Got it.
- They seem always to be together.
- Great. Thanks for your help.
- Cheeno.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- That's my door.
- Handing out menus for a new Chinese place.
- You're that guy that plays noisy video games with house on Saturday nights.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Get a raise? Because then, you're a whore. Or didn't you? Because then, you're a stupid whore.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're staying the night. We need to monitor your brain for swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: How much bigger could it get?
- I don't think it is a symptom.
- I think we caused it.
- By doing what?
- I prescribed antibiotics.
- Toxic epidermal necrolysis? That's a one-in-a-million reaction.
- Yeah, well, maybe this is the one.
- Get swabs of her old skin to confirm.
- All right, I'll do the yoga.
- Forget it.
- Now you don't want me to do it?
- Just go to work.
- I'm not leaving until we work this out.
- I'm fine. Please, just go.
- Let me see that.
- Sorry, gotta go.
- Key.
- I gotta give you one thing, hourani.
- Your wife, she's beautiful. I mean, wow.
- Thank you.
- He's never missed a note.
- Something's wrong.
- Patrick, what is it?
- My hand, it hurts.
- Let me see it.
- 0h, papa.
- On a six-year-old kid who probably has nothing worse than some food poisoning?
- And if you happen to find any purple papules, do me a favor and grab a slice.
- I wanna check for erdheim-Chester.
- A disease that there have been, what, maybe 200 reported cases of ever?
- If ester's family had let me do an autopsy, there'd be 201.
- And you just can't make a huge decision like this right now, you have to give it some time.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's a decision that changes everything.
- Changes the rest of your life.
- I hope so.
Dr. Gregory House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Cuddy tapped Foreman to run the department. I didn't even get asked.
Dr. Robert Chase: Neither did I.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You were suspended.
Dr. Robert Chase: I was kidding.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's the irony of women in charge. They don't like other women in charge.
[Chase scoffs at her]
Dr. Allison Cameron: What, you think it's something else?
Dr. Robert Chase: You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House. You slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment.
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having to say no to House. Would you hire you for that?
Dr. Eric Foreman: So you're holding a grudge, because she chose a different school?
Dr. Chris Taub: We talked for an hour. She didn't remember me. She remembers the 20th digit of some math constant, but she doesn't remember a guy she had a one-on-one meeting with.
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, I barely remember you.
Dr. Chris Taub: Mystery solved. Now we can all go back to our lives.
- Four millimeters lateral to the hippocampus.
- That's where I am.
- There's nothing there.
- You're not there yet, keep going.
- I'm there.
- Are you sure you saw...
- There it is.
- I think I can get it.
Dr. Robert Chase: Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.
Dr. Gregory House: But you on the other hand...
Dr. Robert Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: So... I need the cancel the Fart Band?
Dr. Robert Chase: So I need you to kidnap me.
Dr. Gregory House: Spoken like a true Aussie.
Dr. James Wilson: [Cameron reveals she was in love with her husband's best friend] You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No... just your actions.
Dr. James Wilson: You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. James Wilson: You'd be surprised what you can live with.
- 2:00 am. Nice of you to call me back.
- Chase and I are in the hospital with a patient.
- You've completely run out of ideas and you're calling me to bail you out.
- I'm touched. Hit me.
Dr. Gregory House: Fever? Aches? Weakness? Loss of appetite? Been having any anal sex with I.V. drug users lately?
- Graves it is. Start him on anti-thyroids.
- I know we disagree with house all the time, but before I could say,
- "okay, he's a genius."
- Now?
- Maybe he's just really smart.
- We're not gonna give him the anti-thyroids.
- I'm not.
- I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisy, so you don't feel like a hypocrite for going.
- Oh. Sorry, continue.
- Okay.
- Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it.
- And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.
- It damaged her liver and kidneys.
- Listen, I know this looks bad.
- I obviously got the diagnosis wrong, but I did everything by the book.
- I couldn't have known what was gonna happen.
- If I skip my coffee, I get cranky. Do you want anything?
- But I'd wait about another 10 minutes if you really want your husband to think you're having radiation treatments.
Valerie: Dr. Hadley?
- Are you, by chance, gonna cry?
- 'Cause that's the one
- I just can't do.
- I don't think you're fine.
- I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
- Or I'm ignoring you for a different reason.
- Sex with my girlfriend.
- Hmm.
- Will you please just...
- Please let me in.
Dr. Chi Park: [to Chase] Want me to gaze longingly into your eyes as I tell you the test results?
Dr. Robert Chase: I want you to treat me like a friend which means getting over the fact that you like me more than I like you.
Dr. Chi Park: Yeah, egotism and preening really turn me on.
Dr. Robert Chase: Too bad I'm not attracted to androgyny and self-pity or you'd have it made.
Dr. Chi Park: Because anyone who hasn't gotten wet from your petri dish of STDs clearly has low self-esteem!
Dr. Robert Chase: Bitch.
Dr. Chi Park: Dick!
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Thanks for not saying anything. I just need time to...
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't do it for you. Some puzzles are just too good to share.
[first lines]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [wakes up, looking for House] House?
[someone holds her ankle]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, my God! What the hell?
Dr. Gregory House: [appears from under the bed] Gotcha.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap out of me?
Dr. Gregory House: Set an alarm and everything.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's like dating a 10-year-old.
Dr. Gregory House: God, I hope not... Now that we're down here...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hold that thought.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to pee.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll wait. I brought a book. Didn't know what time your alarm was set for.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [from bathroom] House?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you could rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, shut up. There's blood in my urine.
Thirteen: Any particular reason you decided to sedate a patient for a procedure that's completely painless?
Dr. Gregory House: Guy has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures.
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, on TV.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: What's going on with everyone today?
Dr. Chris Taub: It involves House, Foreman, and Thirteen, which means it's either dumb, dangerous or tragic, or a combination. I'm embracing my ignorance.
- Your boss is being sued under title 18 of the United States code, section 1350, for genocide, crimes against humanity, and torture.
Ntila: Mr. President, this is only a civil lawsuit.
- We can ignore it.
- Mr. President.
- Shut up. It's all right.
- You always loved my legs.
- Baby, I don't care about your legs.
- Baby, I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [to House] If you really did see a symptom in Amber before the crash, physostigmine helped your memory last time.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why not cyanide? He's a mess. He needs to sleep.
Dr. Gregory House: I had a heart attack this morning. Can't do any more drugs till lunch.
- I guess that's why
- I'm having trouble giving it up.
- I shouldn't have helped them mess with your patient.
- They had to screw with me.
- I've gotten everything wrong.
- I don't believe it.
- You're not gonna get everything right.
- But you're never gonna get everything wrong.
- It's where we had our first date.
- Do you have a cleaning lady who might bring her own supplies?
- What's he saying?
- If it's not relevant to the case, I don't care, and neither should you.
- Please.
- This might be the last time I ever know what he's thinking.
Bob: Well, if I'm going to die, I might as well do it with a clean soul.
Dr. Chi Park: And if you live? You didn't just burn bridges, you torched, nuked and salted the Earth.
- But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor in this hospital.
- And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life.
- So, you can either have security arrest me and my team, or you can get the hell out of my way.
- And she caves.
- Amy, there are doctors... shh...
- I don't know.
- Just put your hands on me.
- Two pair. Show me your hearts.
- Seven of clubs.
- Oh, dear. Sounds like I messed up.
- You're gonna be stuck with her for a while.
- Talk to you soon.
- Cuddy: Oh, yes!
- Kara?
- Kara!
- Mikey!
- Mikey!
- Kara!
- Mikey!
- House: Treat for bacterial infection.
- Meantime, Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals.
- I'll talk to cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster.
- You're Bert.
- He's Ernie.
- And they're both roommates.
- That was a good one.
- So if we change his diet...
- We can save his life.
- House: Run him through a plasmapheresis treatment to remove the excess phytanic acid from his blood.
- Confirm with gene testing.
- Okay, I got to go get married.
- Hi, mom.
- Oh, hi.
- Where's house?
- It's like trying not to think of an elephant.
- Not that you're an elephant. Your breasts, in fact, are all homo sapiens.
- House isn't here.
- He wouldn't have paged me if he couldn't watch and enjoy the...
- Your tush is like the pistons in a Ferrari.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] It's late and I'm tired. Can we get to the talking part of this conversation?
Dr. Gregory House: I quit.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30, so your week off, bigger desk, tighter nurses' uniforms or whatever other stupid thing you're about to demand is going to have to wait until...
Dr. Gregory House: You can go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking hurt] Screw you.
Dr. James Wilson: You think he could have done something stupid?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think stupid is our best case scenario.
Mendelson: I knew if you learned nothing else in here, you'd learn the smart thing is to fall in line.
Dr. Gregory House: [House sighs. Long pause] You're absolutely right.
[House tosses the Vicodin in the air starting a riot]
- I don't get along with him!
- This is not a team.
- It's not a boat.
- It's not a machine that has a lot of parts that have to work together.
- The metaphors are all crap.
- This is a business. That's all it is.
- You like him.
- That's bad for business.
- Your fillings don't touch.
- So there's no reason for me to be hearing things?
- I can only tell you that you're hearing sounds as you should.
- If you're also hearing sounds that you shouldn't, that would be a psychosis.
- You'd have to talk to someone who does brain. I only do ears.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: While Atlanticnet Insurance has a marketing budget that's more than our pediatric ICU's and transplant units combined. Your PGA sponsorship could pay for our walk-in clinic, and the money you spend to fuel your two private jets could fund our air ambulance service for the next three years.
Tannenbaum: Your point being?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your growth may be good for your bottom line, but ours allows us to save lives and I would rather not have to announce to the press how selective your company appears to be when it comes to cutting costs.
Tannenbaum: Morgan was right. You are one tough gal. You can portray me as a rich bastard in the press all you want just as long as I stay rich.
Dr. Cameron: [to Foreman about how he treated the cop] What is wrong with you?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just having some fun.
Dr. Cameron: The man is sick and scared.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The man is a crooked cop.
Dr. Cameron: Maybe you should take yourself off the case, Foreman.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't have to like someone to be their doctor.
[over the intercom]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Hey, how you doing there, buddy? Just sit still and we'll have you back there scaring the crap out of people in no time.
[smiles slightly; to Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Happy?
[Cameron gives Foreman a dirty look]
- What just happened?
- Get out.
- What just happened?
- Get out.
- House, what are you mad about?
- Just let it out, you'll feel better.
Dr. Cate Milton: I don't want to panic anyone.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't like people. You hide on that ice cube so...
Dr. Cate Milton: Stop projecting. You're anti-social, so you assume I'm anti-social.
Dr. Gregory House: [rolls his eyes] How about if I just get naked and you shut up?
Dr. Cate Milton: If I thought I could get you naked, I would've led with that. You'd rather show me your soul than your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you having an affair?... Does it bother you that your wife doesn't have the guts to actually ask that question and I do?
Dr. Chris Taub: On both ends... yes.
Dr. Gregory House: The difference is I'm not afraid of the answer, and I might believe you.
Dr. Gregory House: Compound CS-804. It's an experimental drug that's supposed to re-grow muscle.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: This experiment was done on rats.
Dr. Gregory House: It's groundbreaking. A huge success.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: In rats.
Dr. Gregory House: They got four legs. Think how fast it should work on one.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You're an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?
Martha: Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.
- Trichinosis from eating infected meat?
- We already ruled out food poisoning.
- Both the butcher shop and the food stands at the fair were totally clean.
- House: Then he ate the poison apple somewhere else, or maybe you just missed it.
- Start treatment for trichinosis and confirm with a muscle biopsy.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a basic truth of the human condition, that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is that, it tends to focus their priorities. Find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for... What they're willing to lie for.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to Park] I'll tell you what would be weirder, if you didn't dream about having sex with Chase.
Dr. Chi Park: Have you?
Dr. Chris Taub: No, but I've dreamed about having sex with a lot of people I work with and it didn't freak me out.
- No touching.
- Sorry.
- Have you been to see a dermatologist?
- Bobby.
- Oh. I wasn't touching her.
- I was just...
- Oh, god.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Married couple, same disease. They either got it from each other or in the same place.
Dr. Gregory House: Infectious or environmental... all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals or it's internet porn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.
- Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass.
- Do you believe me?
- Forget me. Do you believe you?
- You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you?
- If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.
- You really are annoying.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet.
Keo the Flight Attendant: We're at thirty eight thousand. We...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Peng's got the bends.
Dr. Gregory House: Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window.
Martha: [as Masters and Taub are searching Arlene's home] Should we consider STDs?
Dr. Chris Taub: I think I just caught one looking at these photos.
Dr. Cate Milton: How bad is the insomnia? Let me quantify that, do you drink two or three Scotches before passing out in front of the TV?
Dr. Gregory House: You are so far off. It's bourbon!
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: [to Wilson] The tumor's spread to the surrounding tissue. We're gonna have to shrink it before we remove it surgically.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm more interested in exactly how you plan to do that, Mike.
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: We start conservative. Daily radiation treatments for three weeks. And, if it doesn't shrink enough after that, we'll add the chemo...
Dr. James Wilson: And if it hasn't shrunk enough after that, I'm dead.
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: Look, you have over a 75% chance that the radiation alone is enough. Relax. Caught this in time.
Dr. James Wilson: Catching it in time would have been before it invaded the tissue around my thymus. I want the radiation and the chemo concurrently.
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: Why stress your immune system unnecessarily? Let's just go with my plan, okay? The radiation first...
Dr. James Wilson: [as he gets up] I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: Are you serious? Look, I've seen you recommend this exact treatment dozens of times.
Dr. James Wilson: We're done here. I'll look for a doctor with some actual balls.
[House also gets up and starts to follow Wilson out the door, but Dr. Kondo stops him]
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: [to House] Hey, you need to talk to your friend. He's embarrassing himself. A doctor should be able to handle his own illness with a little bit more dignity.
Dr. Gregory House: I agree with Wilson.
Dr. Michael A. Kondo: My recommended treatment is sound.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I meant about the ball-less part. Explains the office.
[leaves the office]
- TV's only for the daytime.
- That was the deal.
- I'll keep the volume down.
- I just like the light.
- Go to bed.
- Dad, what if...
- What if they come to get me again?
- Nobody is coming to get you, okay? Go to bed now.
Dr. Gregory House: [sings] Forget your troubles, come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. The sun is shining, come on get happy. The load is waiting to take your hand. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. We're going to the promised... land.
Dancer: [Chorus] We're heading across the river. Wash your sins away the tide. It's all so peaceful on the other side. On the other side.
- I can't sit by and watch you kill yourself.
- As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone.
- I'll send someone for my stuff.
- That's it? You're quitting?
- You're choosing methadone over this job?
- I'm choosing lack of pain over this job.
Dr. Gregory House: Eighth time's the charm!
- You think I'm naive, don't you?
- I think you're... yeah.
- I know my wife.
- She's not perfect.
- I'm not perfect.
- But she loves me.
- And she's always loved me.
- Every minute, every day.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: [about Amber] She went rogue. Broke the rules.
Dr. Gregory House: You also sinned. You have no right to cast the first stone.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: And atheists have no right to quote Scripture.
- and didn't remember anything aftewvards.
- That's a night terror.
- Parents said?
- House: That's a good point.
- Before we condemn this kid, maybe we should entertain Dr. Chase's skepticism.
- I want a detailed polysomnograph.
- If he's having night terrors,
- I want to see them.
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe because I recognize sending someone to the poor house is a little more serious than editing a snapshot.
Dr. James Wilson: No, it's because Cuddy actually means something to you, which makes it much harder to apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I assumed you did.
Dr. Gregory House: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I just don't think that's gonna help.
Dr. Gregory House: Wow. It's a big jump from "infidelity is morally wrong" to "do her."
Dr. Darryl Nolan: So where were you thinking during all this?
Dr. Gregory House: That, it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it.
Jane: [to House] You just think we gotta be lying...
Dr. Gregory House: [cuts Jane off] White lies?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. Gregory House: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.
Jane: I don't lie.
Dr. Gregory House: Rationalizations?
Jane: What are those?
Dr. Gregory House: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.
Jane: No, we don't...
Dr. Gregory House: [cuts Jane off again] Lies of omission? Saddle bronc or doggie? That's sex talk.
Jane: She used to like being on top, but now she likes to be on her stomach. That way she doesn't have to see them looking at her scars.
- How much do you use, pop?
- About a tube a day.
- I buy it online.
- So what does this mean?
- Bizarrely, this explains all your symptoms.
- Better-fitting dentures, you'll be fine.
- Medically, there's no reason to go anywhere.
- Nobody washed them.
- His clothes are all new?
- The ones he wore today, yes.
- Never washed.
- Now what?
- What about Matt's clothes?
- Were they new?
- They're ratty old jeans, I think.
- They've been bagged and taken downstairs.
- Because it's treatable, we can remove your spleen tonight laparoscopically.
- Will I be up and around by Saturday?
- We can get to the radiation in the off-season.
- Hey, ma. Wake up.
- Ma, wake up. I'm itchy.
- Means I can play.
- Everyone stays in here with me.
- You need anything from in there, get it now.
Thirteen: [last lines; to House] I know! Forget the lecture and fire me already!
Dr. Gregory House: If I was going to fire you, I wouldn't be giving you the lecture. I know you're not going to let anything like this ever happen again.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: I'll see you tomorrow.
[Thirteen leaves the room; House goes over to Stark's body]
Dr. Gregory House: And I'm sorry to say... I told you so.
Dr. Gregory House: By the way, someone screwed over your girlfriend. She ran to me, Cuddy, and Wilson... everyone, but you. She's not over you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Or she is.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid!
Dr. Gregory House: Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You would.
Dr. Gregory House: Probably, but then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?
- They gave him electroconvulsive therapy to make him straight?
- To zap the fabulous right out of him.
- Neural damage accounts for the aphasia.
- Ect doesn't cause neural damage.
- Unless it was done at Dr. Liberace's he-man quackery camp.
- Run an eeg. See if they straightened him or just scrambled him.
- He's got good liver function, it's masking the elevated levels.
- Biopsy the lymph node.
- Check it out.
- Makes sense.
- Guess you don't need me.
- Oh. By the way, you might want to close the blinds.
- It's really bright in here.
Dr. Robert Chase: How's the new us's final case going?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's a moving target. House keeps moving it, so I can't find it.
Dr. Robert Chase: You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I of course mean you.
Dr. Gregory House: I told you we needed you.
Leon: I should ask them for keys.
Dr. Gregory House: No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock somewhere.
Leon: I'm not breaking into somebody's house. I got principles.
Dr. Gregory House: I've got some loose change here that says you don't.
Leon: I'm not doing this... for less than a 50.
- Come on, house. Come on.
- Eschan eschars.
- Start the girl on doxycycline right now.
- You got burned, it's healing,
- I need an answer.
- It really hurts!
- Any tingling in your arms or legs?
- You gotta do something,
- I can't...
- Adam, you gotta listen to me, did you feel anything?
- I pissed in my pants and then I don't remember...
- So Ian's going to be all right?
- It was just some sort of virus.
- What's that?
- Urine.
- Yeah, but it's brown.
- Ian's kidneys are shutting down.
- Still think it's not the same case?
- "C-a-I...
- "H-e... the."
- Girl: We know that word. "The."
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I made a promise.
Dr. Robert Chase: You made a promise?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I will not take her to the hospital.
Dr. Robert Chase: Great. Then I will.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm gonna move you, then I'm gonna pick your friend up, carry her down to my car, take her to the hospital, and try to save her life.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: She's staying here.
Dr. Robert Chase: Move.
[pause]
Dr. Robert Chase: Move!
[moves Thirteen away]
Dr. Robert Chase: She's going to the hospital.
- the express consent of the relatives.
- Wait... you drew blood.
- That's not just a screw-up.
- It's a criminal assault.
- But you told me...
- No. As you may recall...
- You set me up?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It sounds like someone's trying to break in.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes a sword] It's probably nothing. Stay here.
[goes out of bedroom]
Dr. James Wilson: [stuck in window] Hey.
Dr. Gregory House: Stuck? Bummer. Looks painful. Chamomile or English Breakfast?
Dr. James Wilson: Would you stop being an ass and pull me out of here?
Dr. Gregory House: You didn't get my message earlier?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, but as someone once told me, everybody lies.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Just staying home, chillaxing.
Dr. James Wilson: Your patient died, you ignore my calls, and you won't open the door. I don't think you're fine. I think you might be throwing away a drug-free year.
Dr. Gregory House: Or, I'm ignoring you for a different reason. Sex with my girlfriend.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. Will you please just... Please let me in.
[House helps him in]
Dr. James Wilson: Thank you. And since when did you start referring to hookers as girlfriends?
Dr. Gregory House: She's not a hooker.
Dr. Gregory House: Why am I here? Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you'd have told me her name.
Dr. James Wilson: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.
Barbara: [to House] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Your daughter had two visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans which wouldn't be a problem. But being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants.
Dr. Gregory House: [after Chase's patient, Kayla shows up in the ER with a bleeding ulcer] This woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!
Dr. Robert Chase: No, she might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Although, maybe we should have just played a few games of "Savage 21: The Revenge" Because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking like Wilson, and your face is gonna freeze like that.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being there is worse.
- If we can't even resolve body versus brain, we're never gonna diagnose the guy.
- What was the name of the firm?
- Caddell and carrick.
- It's not like we can chop off his head to see if the pain goes away.
- Why not?
- House hates full body scans.
- House isn't here.
- House is right.
- Everybody's got three or four meaningless anomalies that'll come up on a scan.
- Chasing each one will take time we don't have.
- Feel free to send him an im.
- Good point. Let's kill them all at once.
- Cameron: The only way to do that, is to replace her entire immune system.
- Good point. Let's do that.
- Bone marrow transplant requires an exact match.
- Leona has no siblings.
- Good point. She's all alone, poor thing.
- No one in the whole wide world.
- Not interesting.
- I spent the whole
- 40 days with this attache to the minister of defense.
- The most buttoned-down woman you'd ever meet, except when she did this dance.
- She agreed to tell me stuff.
- She already thinks
- I'm cheating on her.
- Maybe this is house's way of telling you to talk to her.
- Sure. "How was your day, honey?
- By the way, I killed someone."
- If I tell her, that's dumping a burden on her forever.
- Okay.
- No sign of obstructions or clots.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I asked you before why you were tough on me.
Arlene: I wasn't.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You were and I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you: a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.
- He may as well die while we're treating him.
- Okay with you if I bring the other candidates into the loop now?
- The risks, they're really minimal.
- We'll do a series of painless injections...
- Excuse me.
- The whole thing can be done as an outpatient.
Dr. Gregory House: Masters, there's no hurry. There's no wrong choices. At least that's what they tell people who make crappy choices.
Fletcher: Couldn't tackle the bear. They took my stain.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Worried because House hasn't discouraged his teenage stalker] You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."
- You gotta get me out of this.
- There's nothing to diagnose.
- There's nothing...
- You only tested her for stds?
- I had seven morons who forgot their raincoats.
- It's all they asked for so I didn't waste the lab's time. Why?
- I wasted their time.
- She's pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: Ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Uh... no, but I know a few people to whom I'd like to see it happen.
- in order to open the space between...
- George, it's all right, you're in a hospital!
- Calm down, man, calm down!
- Get him out already!
- I'm trying!
- Come on!
- We're gonna get you out!
- They need to know why I did this.
- The people who think you're a traitor will still think you're a traitor, and the people who think you're a hero will still think you're a hero.
- The truth makes a difference.
- If dad were here, he'd be begging for you not to do this.
- If dad were here, he'd be proud of me.
- Fine, should I go with lifeguard cuddy or mother superior cuddy?
- Three more passengers are sick.
- If we don't get drugs, we're gonna have a lot of dead passengers.
- Blindness in her right eye indicates it's not breast cancer.
- It's likely neurological.
- I just met her today.
Nate: Hey, Dr. X?
[Foreman looks at him]
Nate: I know you've busted ass trying to save me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's all right.
Nate: I wasn't gonna thank you.
[coughs]
Nate: I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're doing our best.
Nate: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
[Foreman sighs]
Michael: [to House] Just take a swab and get it tested, OK?
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He was testing blood in the clinic. Don't think it was a patient's blood.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why? It was green?
- If we were in a stranger's house, you'd be watching the video.
- You altered your behavior because you're friends with her.
- Are you okay?
- We shouldn't be treating her at all.
- I'm gonna search her bathroom.
- This isn't just about the sex.
- You like her personality.
- You like that she's conniving.
- You like that she has no regard for consequences.
- You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves...
- Oh, my god.
- You're sleeping with me.
- No problem. You're not mad.
- I'm mad.
- Not mad enough.
- You wanted your son to hear.
- You just didn't have the guts to make him get the implant.
- Once my son is stable,
- I want that thing out of his head.
- And if it's the rhinovirus, you'll sneeze.
- They can't all be dramatic.
- We good?
- Hell, no.
- Well, the alternative is we guess, and there's a three out of four chance that your little brother and sister will get to cry over another coffin.
- You study fractions in school?
- We good?
Dr. Gregory House: Just, do what you have to do to get over this. Punch me in the face, kick me in the nuts: either/or, both seems excessive.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Call the police. Shut down all the exits. We are on lockdown. Nobody moves until we find that baby!
Dr. Gregory House: I picked Cameron's pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Your mother called, twice.
Dr. Gregory House: She's still healthy. This 25-year-old woman, on the other hand...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Her messages sounded kind of urgent.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies.
Thirteen: Your dad died? Are you...
Dr. Gregory House: Yep. Fine!
- Then maybe it's the brother.
- He's eight.
- Could be jealous.
- He's the opposite of jealous.
- He includes Jonah in everything he does.
- Makes sure he eats, brushes his teeth...
- You think we gave him an idea?
- Either that or he's off to kill house.
- I'm happy I knew you.
- So am I.
- Robefl.
- We think you had a clot, but it resolved on its own.
- So, we're gonna keep you overnight to be safe, and you can go back home tomorrow, or back to work.
- Hey, are you okay?
- Get in here! I need a line in her, iv morphine, stat!
Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): [to House when he refuses to hire him] Wow! I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. Gregory House: Nonconformity. Right. I can't remember the last time saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a haircut like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for 24 hour stretches. They're the ones who don't care what you think.
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: Sayonara!
- If you do the surgery, he's gonna lay on that table for 14 hours while his body continues to burn fat and release poison into his system.
- Either way, I did you a favor.
- He's awake now.
- You've got a chance to say good-bye.
- I think you should trust Dr. House.
- it's fun.
- I'm not taking advantage of you?
- The fun is fading.
- You know, there's something seriously wrong with us.
- I know.
- You hallucinate.
- You dream of death.
- And then the race begins.
- Can your body claw its way back in time before the hostile organisms and parasites claim you permanently?
- Win, you live. Lose, you die.
- House: Chase?
- How'd it go with cuddy?
- Chase?
- Then I should quit. It'll be easier for me to find another job.
- Not like this one.
- We should both quit.
- What's that gonna accomplish?
- Don't worry, I'll be fine.
- We'll be fine.
- If I'm not afraid of dying, what the hell should I be afraid of, dad?
- I thought you believed.
- I did.
- I'm not so sure anymore.
- I'm going to pray for you, son.
- I suggest you do the same.
- You suck at this.
- Hate the statistics, not the statistician.
- Give me a little more dye.
- Chase: There's the clot.
- It just disintegrated when you touched it.
- What was that thing?
- Can you do me a huge favor?
- I need you to go to the hospital and check out a portable ultrasound machine for me.
- Who's the father? I have a leak in my bathroom, and my guy won't come take a look at it till tomorrow morning, and an emergency plumber is 200 bucks an hour.
Dr. James Wilson: House is a 6-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy-aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen] You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting.
Thirteen: You claim to want the truth and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.
- We all knew a psychotic episode was one of the three possible outcomes.
- And chase brought a scalpel in there.
- He endangered Dr. Adams, he endangered himself, and he endangered the patient.
- Thank you.
- No mystery there, not much we can do.
- Blood sugar's normal.
- Cholesterol's lower than mine, tox screen's clean, no sign of trauma.
- Sure there wasn't a mix-up at the lab?
- Three times?
- It's almost 11:00, where is house?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Marina] In case no one's filled you in, today's Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back, it can get serious.
- The increasingly rapid progression of the symptoms has caused us to reconsider.
- And what if you're wrong here, too?
- What if it's not a virus?
- There are risks with interferon, especially in a patient who's already immunosupressed.
- Look, at this point, your lungs, kidneys and heart are all failing.
- We really don't have any choice.
Dr. Gregory House: If you can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. My diagnostics posse: Hot, Dark and Darker.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a Canadian] Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine.
Dr. Walter Cofield: This will be our last round of questions. I've spoken with Dr. Chase. You know he regained movement.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Walter Cofield: [stares at House and turns off his recorder] Are you really this indifferent to the fact that Dr. Chase is hurt?
Dr. Gregory House: We're going off the record because this is irrelevant or are you gonna hit me?
Dr. Walter Cofield: Why don't you go tell the guy you're sorry...
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't do anything wrong.
Dr. Walter Cofield: It's not an admission of guilt. He's your friend and he's not well.
Dr. Gregory House: He's a co-worker.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Co-worker whom you've known for almost ten years who nearly died and who's still scared he may not walk.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you going to have me fired for bad manners?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on - not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you would've been scattered across various dumpsters years ago.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Looking around to the rest of the team] Seriously? No one wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture, we need a new topic.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pulling out his wallet] What's the action on the ex-wife?
- Well, I'll be right there.
- She had a stroke.
- Perfect.
- Gotta go back to work.
- Right now?
- Well...
- Patient's stable.
- Could maybe wait a half-hour.
- His craniofacial deformity is causing intracranial pressure...
- No.
- Which is causing...
- Where are the nosebleeds?
- Where's the labored breathing?
- You were right about me being wrong.
- You were wrong about you being right.
- I need new ideas. Anybody?
- That's not James.
- Paul. Paul furia.
- Mr. Fury.
- Her husband.
- Then who's James?
- Her kid.
- Hi, Mrs. Palmeiro.
- Ready to go home?
- Almost.
- Mom?
- How are you?
- I'm good.
- Oh, you really need a haircut.
- the fate of our borders is in your hands.
- John moreno wants to invite illegal immigrants into our country.
- He wants to give them our jobs.
- He wants to give them our healthcare.
- John moreno wants to give them the American dream and he wants you to pay for it.
- and so you didn't tell them you'd be here with me.
- What's your point?
- That I'm still in love with you?
- I should abandon my dying husband, and we should head for rio?
- Greg, I appreciate what you're doing for us, but I think maybe Wilson's right.
- Maybe you should just stay away from me.
- Wow.
[Sighs] Yeah.
Dr. Robert Chase: This isn't gonna work! He's not a moron! You can't just agree with everything he says for two days and hope he forgets the last three years and how much he hates you.
Dr. Gregory House: Anything else?
- House!
Alex: Wait.
- Ithoughtyou were Dr. Hourani.
- Girl: Yeah. [Students murmuring]
- You still here?
- The whole point of giving Cameron the job was so you could...
- I don't want to go home.
- What did you tell him?
- That guilt is irrelevant.
- You wanna get something to eat?
- Can't.
- Got a dog waiting at home.
- By violating his own principles, andignofing the admitting symptoms.
- Still, he somehow got away with it.
- Saved another life.
- You want him there tonight.
- You should tell him.
- That fire, that bruise on your face.
- I talk to prisoners, I know about exit taxes. You're clearly getting squeezed.
- I need 20.
- And let me back in the clinic when Sykes is gone.
- I'll take care of Nick. You can't if you're not willing.
- Just take care of yourself.
- Psychological conditions can manifest themselves in physical problems.
- Sometimes these can be extreme enough to kill.
- There are treatments, but only if there is a diagnosis.
- Are you going to admit that you slept with your daughter or are you just gonna let her die?
- One time.
- I wish I knew. What's the problem?
- It's personal.
- And it's so personal he didn't bother writing anything in your chart.
- It's getting worse.
- What is?
- It's personal.
- Fine. You can wait.
- Doctor!
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: [about House's last patient] But you don't care about her.
Dr. Amber Volakis: [just coming into] Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.
Dr. James Wilson: [to Amber] Hi.
Dr. Amber Volakis: [after kissing Wilson] Sorry I'm late.
Dr. Gregory House: [deeply surprised] Cutthroat Bitch?
Dr. James Wilson: I call her Amber. Was she on your list?
[House looks astonished]
- I'll do it.
- He's going through a tough patch right now.
- If this is the distraction he needs to keep him in his hospital bed,
- I'm sure it's better than any of the alternatives.
- That was incredibly condescending. Did it work?
- and I have to fire somebody.
- I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
- I'm telling you this for your own good.
- I assume you're gonna have this same conversation with chase for his own good.
- Chase isn't the one that's gonna get hurt here.
- The muscle's black.
- Necrosis?
- Metallosis. Her artificial hip weared and teared way too much.
- It's cobalt poisoning.
- We're gonna need chase to get an or.
- We should start chelation again.
- Sma explains the weakening.
- Strongyloides infection explains everything else.
- You ladies have the honor to give the patient a feeding tube.
- Discharge him.
- Show up for work tomorrow.
- The rest of you...
- You're a disappointment.
- You make me want to stop dangling.
- If we found cancer, it wouldn't be the original cancer. It'd be new.
- So, what, more surgery, more radiation.
- Might not be the worst thing.
- If this isn't just ancient history, then maybe it's something we can correct.
- Might even get some brain function back.
- He could get better?
Becca: Who's that?
Dr. Robert Chase: Dr. Gregory House. He's the one you'll be suing when you develop sepsis.
- wake them up, I don't care.
- I just want you to know the truth.
- You know I love you.
- Come here.
- Please.
- It's okay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to each other.
Dr. Gregory House: How are you doing? Good?
Dr. James Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[they both get up to leave]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Eh, eh, eh, eh, sit!
[they both sit back]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
Dr. Gregory House: ...think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.
Dr. Gregory House: I told him he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
Dr. Gregory House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
Dr. James Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Go to hell!
Dr. Gregory House: So much for that theory.
Dr. Weber: Do I know you?
Dr. Gregory House: I know your math skills, they blow.
Dr. James Wilson: Touche.
- You know he's making an impossible choice.
- He just doesn't want to live in pain.
- Life is pain.
- I wake up every morning and
- I'm in pain. I go to work in pain.
- You know how many times
- I've wanted to just give up?
- How many times
- I've thought about ending it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. Gregory House: No I'm not!
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you got me!
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat shalom, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Shabbat shalom, House.
Dr. James Wilson: [to the sherrif] Sir? Not to hurry you, but we need to be at a funeral in...
Sheriff: Nobody is going anywhere or taking any phone calls till I hear back from Louisiana.
Dr. James Wilson: It's a really old warrant. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing?
Dr. Gregory House: It's suspended when you flee the state.
Dr. James Wilson: I didn't flee the state. I left the state because I don't live in the state. And the charges were just so minor...
Sheriff: Vandalism, destruction of property, assault.
Dr. James Wilson: There is a simple explanation. There was a medical convention in New Orleans...
Sheriff: You don't need to explain to me.
Dr. James Wilson: I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anybody at the convention.
Dr. Gregory House: You heard the man, Wilson. You don't have to explain.
Dr. James Wilson: I am not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral!
Dr. Gregory House: He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Sheriff: Not if your mother's alive, you don't.
[to Wilson]
Sheriff: Okay, explain.
Thirteen: [about Amber] We should say goodbye.
Dr. Chris Taub: She didn't even like us.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: We liked her.
Dr. Chris Taub: Did we?
Dr. Eric Foreman: We do now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] What do you think of that pharm tech, Gail?
Dr. Gregory House: She's a sociopath.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You knew she was stealing meds?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but have you seen the way she opens the mail?
- You'll do it.
- Why is it always me?
- Because the world hates you.
- Or because it's a class on diagnostics.
- Pick whichever reason feeds your narcissism better.
- I'm not doing it.
- from that step on, every test, every theory, every treatment...
- I know. Forget the lecture and fire me already.
- If I was gonna fire you,
- I wouldn't be giving you the lecture.
- I know you're not gonna let anything like this ever happen again.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Operator: Roger, cobra zero six.
- Big eye waiting for confirmation as well.
- Gre ta: If we wait any longer, big eye, we 're not gonna have any choice in the matter.
- I can't exactly do a u-turn here.
- Operator: Roger that, cobra.
- Hold for confirmation.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [in a deadpan tone of voice] Right.
- She's sick, house.
- Did she say that?
- She was wearing a hospital admission bracelet and carrying around a book on dealing with terminal cancer.
- I'm sorry.
- She's staying at the grand for the next three days.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cole] You okay with an answer based on evolution?
Cole: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: Hypocrite.
- Possibly when you first met him.
- And you married him anyway.
- You can't be that good a person and well-adjusted.
- Why?
- 'Cause you wind up crying over centrifuges.
- Or hating people?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You're gonna make a great mommy one day.
- Shouldn't you be taking care of those other people?
- The ones that I hurt?
- Everything checks out okay.
- My nose is bleeding.
- It's expected, given the trauma you've sustained.
- That's not expected.
Dr. James Wilson: [to Cuddy] You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He *needs* someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to when they say no. If you really care about him, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.
- you got an a in calculus, until you ratted yourself out.
- Showed your professor a mistake he missed.
- Because you married a man...
- Don't go there.
- You used to be someone who did the right thing.
- House has changed you.
- Do you think it's all been for the better?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Brent] I need your son.
Brent: Who are you?
Dr. Gregory House: Your wife's doctor. Your son may have had the same condition she does.
Brent: My son didn't have a condition. She killed him.
Dr. Gregory House: If I biopsy her intestines, she'll bleed out. He obviously won't.
Brent: You're not using my son's body to help her.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. How about trading him for a beer? Or maybe you're more of a whiskey guy. You didn't have strep or stomach bug the morning you came in. You puked because you were hungover. If she was a recovering drunk and slipping most of the time, you'd be right.
Brent: So I drink. You're acting like this is my fault.
Dr. Gregory House: People are going to feel sorry for you, they'll tell you that you can't anticipate the unthinkable. Well, the fact is you can. It's just not all that pleasant.
Brent: Look, you don't know anything about how...
Dr. Gregory House: I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice. How many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying? How many times did you stay at work because you couldn't listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is? You were relieved. When she shut down, you just sat staring for hours at a time. She held the pillow over his head. You slept while she went nuts. Not exactly a draw, but...
Brent: What is wrong with you? What kind of a person says those things now?
Dr. Gregory House: Let me do the test. It'll be one less thing for you to feel crappy about.
- It's kind of stuck.
- It's more than stuck.
- That bowel's been dead for six hours.
- No matter what you shoot up there, it's closed.
- You gotta see this thing in action before you say no way. Come on.
- House, what are you doing?
- Nothing. I'm not doing anything.
- Just throwing out ideas.
- I think that you should put him in a wheelchair and take him down to the or.
- But I may be out of my mind.
- My own daughter's a doctor.
- She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
- She sounds smart.
- Did she tell you to say that?
- I've never met your daughter.
- That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.
- You want a negative test for every autoimmune disease known to man?
- Fine. I'll get them.
- Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.
- You guys talk?
- Did he tell you why he's here?
- The sle conference.
- Hey.
- This is it.
- Man. No one's been in here for a long time.
- Say you love me.
- Why not?
- Because you're not dying.
- Say it anyway.
- You gonna make me hurt you?
- I love you.
- and have no idea what we're doing. Fun.
- We need to sneak up on them.
- I read somewhere that the native Americans say turkeys know what you're thinking.
- So I should stop thinking about German porn.
- No, no.
- That'll lure them closer.
- I want not to love Mark.
- I wanna hate you.
- I want all of this to be simple, but it's not.
- You can either have a life with me, or you can have a life with him.
- It can't be both.
- It's not easy, but it is simple.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [referring to his father] Yeah, he's not proud of me. He's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work. Everything I do wrong is my own damn fault.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people and they're fine now.
Dr. Gregory House: So tell her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not going to lie to her.
Dr. Gregory House: Little late for that.
[the elevator door starts to close. House stops it with his cane]
Dr. Gregory House: You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away, she's going to need you to still have a medical license.
Dr. Robert Chase: They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So, without further ado... Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Dominika: I do.
Dr. Robert Chase: And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Dr. Gregory House: Yep.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[people clap]
- I want to make sure he sees what's involved.
- What we found was fairly advanced.
- These cloudy areas here and here, these parts of your lungs simply weren't functioning.
- But they're okay now, right?
- Everything's okay now.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House and his team] If anyone should be able to handle a depressed pain patient...
Dr. Chris Taub: He insisted he was no longer...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Apparently he lied.
[looks at House]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Didn't think I'd have to remind you of that remote possibility.
- If by "lunch" you mean a
- "conference call with the board," and by "just in time" you mean "20 minutes late."
- I meant sex.
- Fine, lunch.
- How about we start with a small tossed salad?
- As of this morning,
- I'm on a diet.
Dr. James Wilson: [seeing House has gone through a file on him] You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as "limping twerp."
- You can't even say that.
- What do you want me to do? Cry?
- Yes!
- I want you to tell me that your life is important to you, because I don't know!
- Because that's what's on the table right now, your life.
- You're talking to my friends behind my back.
- We are all concerned.
- Just tell me honestly.
- How much have you been drinking?
- I may be your patient, but I am still your mother and I'm telling you
- I am not a drunk.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Anica] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors. Symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. Gregory House: Or... just thinking outside the box here, she has a vagina and trouble reading.
- People who get close to you get hurt. That's a fact.
- You're also a valued doctor in this hospital. That's another fact.
- From now on, we're going to focus on the second fact.
- So, this isn't you freaking out over last night?
- This isn't an emotional decision.
- I'm just giving you the rules.
- You can either accept them or leave.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You want us to dissect eight years of medical history with grunting in the differential?
Dr. Gregory House: Sounds good. Call me when you're done.
Dr. Gregory House: So your arm only hurts after you lay on top of it all night?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever thought about... I don't know... not doing that?
- We're gonna give him his last round in the morning, then be in court for your hearing.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna stay here.
- Monitor Derek.
- Thanks for the update.
- My next condolence call is arriving.
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. Take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.
Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.
Dr. Gregory House: I knew about her body butter and about his strawberry allergy. I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.
Dr. Amber Volakis: You're not a big fan of other people's happiness.
Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.
- He must have given you some kind of a message for me.
- He said you were right.
- You did the right thing.
- Right about what?
- What does that mean?
- How would I know? He's your dad.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what I found interesting about this case?
Dr. James Wilson: That it proved that people can love unconditionally, and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City asking someone to cut your heart out?
Dr. Robert Chase: You don't have doubts. You just don't want to kill the only thing left of someone you loved.
[Cameron starts crying and they hug]
Dr. Robert Chase: Don't do it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I do have trouble giving things up. For example -
[Cameron starts laughing]
Dr. Allison Cameron: I never cancelled any of our wedding plans.
Dr. Gregory House: [about Wilson] If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.
[House, Forman and Chase look amazed]
Dr. Chris Taub: [to Thirteen] Interesting night, huh?
[Thirteen flashes him]
Dr. Chris Taub: Interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You're being an idiot. You're gonna blow up your career. And six months from now, when you've moved on from Amber to burnt sienna, you're gonna be stuck in a mobile oncology truck in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.
Dr. James Wilson: I'd need a flow chart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.
Dr. Gregory House: You can't hide from misery.
Dr. James Wilson: This isn't your business.
Dr. Gregory House: My skull was cracked open trying to save her!
Dr. James Wilson: Then we all need a little tea and sympathy. I'm through discussing it.
- We pretty much do.
- Our egos want us to think we're all snowflakes, no two alike, but really, we all want the same things, love, forgiveness, chocolate.
- Well, what I want is for everyone to leave me alone.
- How do I get that?
Nurse: [after Thirteen takes a drug to slow her heart rate] Pulse is down below 50.
Dr. Gregory House: So's her IQ. Help her up. Get her heart going faster.
- but with more followers.
- Every time he was irrefutably proved wrong, it redoubled everyone's belief.
- I know I sound just like them.
- But I also know you're wrong.
- Something terrible is gonna happen to me.
- We're not done here.
- House: Hey! Hold on!
- Coumont: Close it up.
- Take him out of there.
- Dr. Foreman said you'd try this.
- Said to tell you he's no longer your patient.
Dr. Robert Chase: When my father died, I wound up killing a patient and I hated the man. Whatever House says or doesn't say, I'm sure the guy's a mess.
Kalvin: This is none of your business!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, you should have thought of that before you stalked me. Now I'm interested.
- I need to talk to you.
- From the doonlvay?
- It's confidential.
- Cool. I love gossip.
- House: You hear that crackling sound?
- Like crumpling up paper?
- Keep listening, let me know if it changes.
Dr. James Wilson: [after Emma's condition worsens after Cuddy gives her corticosteroids] It's time to terminate.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That's not what she wants.
Dr. James Wilson: Look at her. She didn't want to be an incubator for a dead baby, but that's what you've done.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Either get me a laryngoscope or get out.
- Jonathan?
- Yeah?
- It's Lawrence kutner.
- Why are you here?
- I wanted to apologize for all the horrible stuff
- I did to you in high school.
- I'm sorry.
- An entire hospital betting on the legitimacy of my kids.
- It's great to be back among friends.
- Walker wouldn't do anything, he's my son, too.
- I don't mean to sound cold, but he's your stepson.
- We can't ignore any possibility.
- Walker's been getting in fights a lot at school, lately.
- Last week, he hit another kid with a book, hard enough to draw blood.
- If he did something to the baby...
- No. The cefuroxime would have killed some of it, clouded the result.
- We've gotta get this kid on Levaquin.
- What does he have?
- Anthrax.
- This house belong to old man Hussein?
- Maybe he is cursed.
- I get to watch and coach and cheer.
- But that's not me out there.
- Never will be.
- If you take this piece of me, carry it with you, then I really can share in everything you do.
- This is the great thing
- I can do with my life.
- Don't make me live without you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tell him you're sorry.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You were drunk and...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, if her daddy hadn't been drunk, she might never have been born. So.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus, I wasn't driving the garbage truck that hit the bus, and I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes, I know, that's all true... You really don't feel any sense of guilt? You want to keep him, he needs to know he's not alone. Just tell him you feel like crap.
Dr. Gregory House: It'd be meaningless.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, then, find some meaning, and do something.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Rachel] Aren't you adorable?
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, take it easy on Foreman. He's playing with one lobe tied behind his back.
- I did it all by myself, mommy.
- You talking to me?
- Go away.
- BP stable.
- Still non-responsive.
- Pupils are equal, round and reactive.
- Heart rate's normal.
- Respiratory rate is...
- Yeah, sorry about the noise.
- I guess their team won.
- Although, I got to tell you, sometimes I wish I could still act like that, you know? Just let loose?
- Iguessifs a little easier, though, when you got no troubles.
- Parents still paying your bills.
- You got your whole life ahead of you.
- Maybe the paint thinner set off an allergic reaction.
- Not without bronchospasm.
- There was a space heater next to her in the gallery.
- Carbon monoxide poisoning.
- It fits.
- Put her in a hyperbaric chamber.
- I was thinking maybe
- I'd come back later?
- Sounds good.
Dr. Gregory House: 16 splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives.
- That flew by.
- You realize you're not the first uncooperative patient on this floor?
- Really? Is there a club?
- Yes. Come with me to the clubhouse.
- That didn't take long.
- I'm that good.
- Nothing to worry about.
- Unless you had the veal.
- You dosed him.
- I told you I'd check him out.
- I was a little worried they were gonna get here before he passed out.
- Would have been tougher to get him to drink.
- I'll give you a ride. We can talk.
Dr. Weber: [to House, who's in disguise] Who are you?
Dr. James Wilson: [sotto voice] Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. Gregory House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman though, he knew that you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Right. We're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could have tipped me off.
Dr. Gregory House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me. And as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not going to pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?
- What's changed?
- Elizabeth has.
- She stopped giving
- Emily the Lex-2.
- It's an aminoglycoside antibiotic.
- It's what was keeping the lyme in check.
- We need to start her on amoxicillin.
Dr. Gregory House: [about Thirteen] No cure then. So: Pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her an extra year maybe three. She's still dead before you're 45. The question is: Are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [thinks for a moment] No.
Dr. Gregory House: There, that wasn't so hard was it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: You're welcome.
[Foreman starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Unless you love her.
[Foreman stops and turns around]
Dr. Gregory House: If you love her, you do stupid things.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence?
Dr. Wilson: Of course.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no.
- Yeah, she's fine. I can hear her breathing in the monitor.
- Ijustchecked. I'm checking every 10 minutes.
- Fine, I'll check again.
- Aw, she's so cute when she's asleep.
- You should see this. She's got one hand over her head.
- Okay. Well, you take as long as you need.
- Nurse!
- What's up?
- I can't move my arm!
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- The protein c side effects we were worried about, they happened.
- Where was the bleed?
- His brain.
- It's causing right side paralysis.
- I've stopped the treatment and called a neurosurgeon.
- and if he can get through the next 48 hours without another cardiac incident...
- I meant, I'm his health-care proxy.
- I get to make medical decisions for him if he's not able to.
- You should talk to him about what he wants to do.
- I know what he wants, but if he's out, it's my call, right?
Rebecca: Am I ever gonna meet Dr. House?
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, you might run into him at the movies or on a bus.
Rebecca: Is he a good man?
Dr. James Wilson: He's a good... doctor.
Rebecca: Can you be one without the other? Don't you have to care about people?
Dr. James Wilson: Caring's a good motivator. He's found something else.
- What did she say to you?
- Nothing.
- I gave her a couple of sedatives, turned around, and she grabbed the whole bottle.
- You must have said something.
- Isaid plenty. She said nothing.
- I was with her for over an hour.
- She didn't say one word.
- See?
- Does anyone speak Korean?
- Is anyone a doctor?
- Yes.
- I'll go get her.
- He had steak and potatoes before the first coma, and the hospital served fish sticks before the second one.
- You can trust me.
- Problem is, if I can't trust you,
- I can't trust your statement that I can trust you.
- But thanks anyway.
- You've been a big help.
Dr. Gregory House: Kid says mom's a slut.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: She called her mom a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything with a pole and a pulse. Not that I'm judging here.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiards is the only thing that's keeping him alive.
Dr. Gregory House: [after the cop suddenly goes blind] Bullet fragments just happened to hit the same spot in both lobes? Stroke could cause Anton's blindness and euphoria. Officer Krupke is clotting in his brain. Start heparin to thin the blood. Find the clot and yank it out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: The clot would be at the top of the bilateral vertebral arteries.
Dr. Gregory House: Great! Chase, stick your fingers in there and grope around until you find it. Oh, wait! When you turn him into a vegetable, then there's gonna be frivolous lawsuits.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] You know, in some cultures, hiring people to steal someone's underpants is considered wooing. You should move there because here it's just, you know, creepy.
Dr. Robert Chase: [to Sarah] What?
Sarah: Am I going to get in trouble? Should we apologize or something?
Dr. Robert Chase: Yes. You should. Natalie's on the third floor.
Sarah: Who's down there?
Dr. Robert Chase: Mr. Raditz.
Dr. James Wilson: Hello?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House is on heroin.
Dr. James Wilson: Well, that's... certainly... an interesting notion.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's why his lungs stopped, it's why he okay-ed the MRI, it's why he missed... things he wouldn't ordinarily miss...
Dr. James Wilson: Ahh... we'll run some tests, and - I'll let you know.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He's there, isn't he?
Dr. James Wilson: Well, that would certainly explain the inappropriate responses. I-I gotta go. Okay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tip toe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done!
- Oh, no. I've been sued by him.
- You have been hiding things and lying to me all day.
- I haven't lied about anything.
- Except for the parts that
- I admitted I was lying about.
- And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
- Well, what haven't you told us?
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