The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, Episode 16 Quotes

Lily: You get rid of your iguana when it poops in your hair, but you don't get rid of your dog.
Marshall: I miss Jebeddiah.

Robin: Oh, my God. You've been robbed.
Ted: Nope. Just got rid of all my old girlfriend stuff.
Robin: All that stuff was from your exes? Didn't you buy any stuff of your own?
Ted: What can I say? Papi got swag.

- I don't want to hear that.
- What? You said...
- God, that is so insensitive.
- Remember honesty...?
- You're a jerk!
- Well, you're... confusing.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
[staccato rhythm]: Robot found love
- Confusing my circuitry
- My software's been hacked
- Toaster oven, you're the one for me.
- Two, three, four.

- Moist.
- Moist.
- Moist.
Ted: That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.
- Moist.
- And then we endured about 20 minutes of this.

- Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
- I mean, you know that this is gonna be...
- I know, but I'm gonna sit through the whole thing, and I'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards.
- You know why?
- Because that's what friends do.
- Hmm.

Older: New York is famous for its theater, but there are different levels. There's Broadway; off-Broadway; off-off-Broadway; homeless people screaming in the park; and below that, the play your Aunt Lily was in.

Marshall: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted: I had no idea Greed was the killer!
Robin: And when it became a play within the play, I was, like, now we are really cookin'!
Barney: [while hugging Lily] Wow, Lily, it sucked!
Marshall: Barney...
Barney: What? It was terrible. Oh, come on, you guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest, 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily: No, friends make each other feel good! They... they build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney: Yeah, if you're a smurf.

- Exactly. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.
- Well, sit.
- Sit, yeah.
- So you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you?
- Nope.
- Well, except for my dogs.

Barney: I have to side with Robin on this one. Your apartment is so over cluttered. What, do you live in a Bennigan's?
Robin: Yeah, or a Denby's?
[Others look confused]
Robin: You don't have Denby's? Where do you get your grizzly ice-cream cones?
Ted: Just let it go.

- Uh, no.
- Uh, let's go to the bar.
- Why?
- What's going on inside?
- Um, the floors are gone.
- What?
- Yeah. I-I sent them out to get, um, fixed.
- This is a terrible lie.
- I'm just going to bail.

- Oh, we'll be there.
- Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong...
- Never.
- Good.
- Okay, I gotta go rehearse.
- Oh, I almost forgot.
- Bring a poncho; the first three rows get wet.

Barney: Lily, I love you. But asking someone to come see your play is like asking for a ride to the airport, or to crash on someone's couch or to help you move. Call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me, friends don't let friends come see their crappy play!

Robin: [Finds lotion that used to belong to one of Ted's exes] Do you still have feelings for her?
Ted: [Sarcastically] Yeah. I'm madly in love with her, and the only way I can deal with it is by holding on to a three dollar tube of lotion!

- Hey, where do you guys want to sit?
- I know where I don't want to sit.
- Guys, four together!
- I brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke.
- Come on. It's not gonna be that bad.
- No? Okay.

[staccato rhythm]: Feelings.
- Inside.
- Oh, no!
Barney: Beep, beep, beep.
- Beep.
Ted: And when that didn't work...

Lily: [holds a mirror in front of Ted's face] This is the face of Consumerism!
Marshall: Oh my God, Ted's part of the play.

Barney: Mosit
Lily: [freaks out and twitches]
Barney: Moist... mosit... moist
[while Lily keeps twitching]
Ted: [Narrating to his kids in the future] And that was only the first 40 mins of Uncle Barney's show
Ted: And after that we had to endure
Barney: [Spraying Lily with water with a small squirt gun from stage]
Barney: [Squirt guns empties] I'm out, I have to go and refill. Please don't go, the shows not over.
Marshall: [Disappointed] I am never chosen for audience participation.

Marshall: I never get picked for audience-participation.

Actor: I am Rage.
Actress: I am Greed.
Lily: I am Rage!... uh, Envy.
Barney: And I am outta here.

- Hello, Greed, Rage...
- Envy... and Consumerism.
- I... am your father...
- America!

Marshall: Which would you rather make out with? Classic mermaid, top half human, bottom half fish; or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human?
Barney: That depends. Is she fat?
Marshall: Yes, but she's half fish, so it's the good kind of fat.