The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 5, Episode 7 Quotes

Pizza: Somebody's gotta take this sausage.
Ted: Okay, were you *in* that video? Were you the guy with the farmer tan?

Barney: Daddy's home.

- So, how's Barney doing?
- He's okay, I think.
- It might be a while before he fully recovers, but...
- Mmm.
- Did you guys just feel a chill?
- Yeah.

Barney: You have a girlfriend? A girl, who's also your friend?
[laughs]
Barney: Do not humanize the enemy!
[Shakes hands with Ted's date]
Barney: I'm Barney Stinson, by the way. Nice to meet you.

Robin: When are you going to get rid of your doll?
Barney: It's not a doll, it's a Stormtrooper.
Robin: It has a diaper.
Barney: It's not a diaper, it's protective gear.
Robin: Stormtrooper? More like Stormpooper.
Barney: Stop that!
Robin: [Makes fart noise] Oops! I think your Stormpooper needs to be changed.

Lily: So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-US fight.
- Right at that moment,
- Crazy Meg shows up.
- Then, a Stormtrooper happens to walk by the window.
- And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full of what?
- Dirty dishes.

Ted: [Reading the box of one of Barney's porn tapes] "Sex-chitecture"? That is not how you spell Buckminster Fuller.

Barney: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew that you would - It means you have my porn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I'm dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate "Weekend at Bernie's". I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a relationship, then for the love of God... get me out of it!

Marshall: If they can't stand each other, why don't they end it?
Ted: Neither one wants to be first. They're playing relationship chicken.
Marshall: I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.

- I wanna dance,
- I wanna have sex with a girl and I wanna go fishing.
- If, on the other hand,
- I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend,
- I have only one request.
- Please, for the love of God, get me out of it!

Pizza: Somebody ordered an extra large sausage?
Ted: Hey, one of Barney's videos starts off just like that.
Marshall: Hey, guys, Barney's ordering... five of something.
Pizza: [about his pizza being too large for the station wagon] I don't know if it's gonna fit in here.
Ted: Okay, now you're just quoting the video.

Marshall: So what did you get?
Lily: I got Squat.
Marshall: But I saw you take one.
Lily: I did. It's called "Squat".