The Best Hannibal Buress Quotes

Rebecca: What do you think they are talking about?
Sable: Off the record?
Rebecca: Sure, sure
Sable: No idea!

Sable: How come "bi-weekly" means both twice a week and every other week?
Sable: That's mad confusing and it's just linguistically lazy.

Buddy: How you been, old timer?
Pops: Paralyzed.
[Awkward pause]
Gidget: Great!

Chloe: And, when that random cat tried to eat Sweet Pea, who saved him?
Buddy: It wasn't a random cat. It was you.
Chloe: The identity of the random cat is not the point. We're talking about who saved him!
Mel: Max did!

Lincoln: I'm not really that hungry though.
Abbi: I never understand when people say that.

Gidget: [climbs up through the drawers and shelves of a cabinet] Friends, I am afraid that I have some terrible news.
Mel: The squirrels are gonna take over the world, I knew it! I always said, squirrels are little shifty little guys.
Gidget: No, we're not doing the squirrel thing right now, that's not, no!
[sighs]
Gidget: Max is missing! He's out there somewhere. Lost. Scared. So, so handsome. We've got to find him and bring him home!
Mel: But the outside world is loud and scary, whoa! Is that a hawk?
Gidget: This is my friend, Tiberius. He's going to help us.
[Tiberius flies next to Gidget]
Gidget: He's not going to eat us. We've already been over it.
Buddy: Come on, Gidget. We go out there without a leash, we'll get caught by a net... or something worse.
Mel: Yeah, like a hawk!
Gidget: We're wasting time. Max need us.
Buddy: Come on, girl. Max doesn't even know you're alive.
Gidget: Well, I don't care. I love him! I love him with all of my heart! And I'm gonna go look for Max, no matter who's with me. So... Who's with me? All right, fine. Fine.

Buddy: [as they enter the sewer] What is that smell?
Pops: It's poo-poo with a dash of caca.

Snowball: Welcome my dogs! Oh, you guys look weird. Hurry up, come on in.
Buddy: You said it was a costume party!
Mel: Why do you listen to me?

Jerry: Mr. Stubbles has something to say. What was that?
[pretends to listen to stuffed bear]
Jerry: He says his skin's very dry and needs to be moisturized.
[squirts lotion onto his hands]
Hoagie: Jerry, put down Mr. Snuggles, so help me God.
Rebecca: What's happening here?
Randy: I think he's about to masturbate in Hoagie's childhood bedroom.
Callahan: Oh no.
Sable: It's the ultimate act of dominance.
Jerry: I'm gonna stay here until you come. Unless I come first.
Randy: You sly dog.
[everyone bolts for the door]

Lincoln: I can't inflict upon a dog the crazy life of a dentist.

Hoagie: Synchronize your watches.
Callahan: I don't know how to do that.
Randy: I don't have a watch.
Sable: Time is a construct.

Susan: Listen, I know it's not just you guys. Jerry is worse than all of you - he's very competitive.
Sable: When we were kids, we had a contest to see who could hold their breath underwater the longest. He almost died. I mean, he won, but at what cost?

Sable: What's the difference between Episcopalian and Lutheran?
Randy: Episcopalians don't eat fish.
Sable: That's... pescatarian, that's... not a religion.
Randy: They're all fanatics, I don't know.

Ilana: I'm not really that hungry though.
Lincoln: I never understand when people say that.

Callahan: [Trying to read the letter Jerry slipped under the door] Eat my... dick. Balls. Ass. Butt?
Sable: Ice cream.
Callahan,23464: What?
Sable: Yeah, he's taunting me. He knows I'm lactose intolerant.