Top 600 Quotes From Arrested Development

Narrator: And George Sr. had managed to startle nobody but himself.
George Bluth Sr.: There's nothing to do there all day but lift weights, fold laundry... and get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Oh god, I cant go back. Cant go back!
[he leaves]
Gay: I'm glad he wont be there. He's ugly.

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Lindsay: You two have always fought. I think I have a video tape of that.
Michael: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight one another. He believed it created a competitive spirit. He also thought tapes of the footage would be a big hit in the burgeoning home video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2". "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70."

Michael: [after Kitty flashes Michael] That's the 7th nipple I've seen today.

Michael: I'm afraid that I'll have to stop seeing you.
[she giggles, thinking it's a joke]
Michael: I mean, I've enjoyed our time together, but I...
Beth: You're serious? This isn't one of your "wife died" jokes?
Michael: No, I'm afraid this is serious.

Narrator: GOB was at Ancient Chinese Secret that very moment.
Gob: I'm looking for something to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick want slow! Wait, that's Indian...
Chinese: Tea for dong!
Gob: What is this?
Chinese: It's the sword of destiny. Very powerful. Comes with back story.
Gob: Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.

Narrator: [introducing leather shop scene] So Tobias chose to pursue a common interest with his daughter.
Lance: [underneath narration] May I help you?
Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."
Lance: Something that says... "leather daddy"?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

Tobias: My schedule however, is as open as my relationship with my wife. So why don't we pair up? And hit the town together! I'll be your wingman. Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Michael: OK, that's enough family stuff for today.

Ann: Bastard saw us.
[she kisses George Michael]

White: [Stabbing Gob] White power!
Gob: I'm white!

Lucille: They're not gonna let you in at the country club with that.
Buster: [as Franklin, the puppet] I don't want no part of yo' tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch!

George: ...It was for me. I was going to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.

Tobias: So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.

Maebe: [attempting to get her parents to notice her] Here are the fake airline tickets. If they don't see this, I really might go to South America.
George: [notices a flaw] That says, "Portugal".
Maebe: [oblivious] That's right.
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't see the tickets, but her Uncle Gob did.
Gob: [examines the tickets, thinking they're Michael's] Portugal? Well, gonna live it up in ol' South America, aren't we, Michael?

Narrator: GOB had just opened up a new banana stand like 20 feet from the old banana stand.
Michael: Oh yeah? Me and my banana stand are going to kick your banana stands ass!
George: It's just going to to back and fourth all day.
Narrator: And it did just that.
[shows a series of photos showing what happened]
Narrator: But the footage it produced was less entertaining than you might imagine, no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine", but who could afford it?

George Sr.: It's the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Byron: They have boats?

Gob: We'll rock-paper-scissors for it.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: One... two...
Michael: Not gonna do it.
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Buster: [while Lindsay and Tobias are having a heated argument] WELL JUST FAKE IT!
[he falls back asleep]
Buster: COMA...
Narrator: Believe it or not, that actually got through to them.
Buster: Now please turn on the cartoon network and get the hell out of here!

Lindsay: Oh, God. Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing. I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for Daddys and Daughters.
Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.
Lindsay: They do? He never took me?
Lucille: It was before we did your nose.

George Sr.: Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob: [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch!
George Sr.: [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard!
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist!
George Sr.: [chokes Gob]
Gob: [as Franklin] Hey, that's his neck!

Marta: [to a fighting Michael and Gob] What is wrong with you? I thought you were good people. I thought you were noble. I thought you care about family, but you clearly don't. It's over. Both of you. It's over.
Buster: Wait, wait. What about... what about me?
Marta: I'm sorry, I'm not totally sure who you are.
Buster: Wow. Wow. That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.

Michael: We dont want to relive the TBA debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluth's held their first fundraiser, but the family had a hard time agreeing on a cause.
George Sr.: [reading the slips] "Neckflap". "Ovarian Cancer". Gee, I wonder who that was? "Shrinkage". Somebody saw Seinfeld last night! Another one for "Neckflap".
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. To their surprise, the Bluth's wound up raising over $25,000 dollars for TBA. Then, and here's the really horrible part, they did it again the following year.
Gob: [footage of George Michael's Star Wars Kid] Keep fighting, little guy! Soon, we'll rid the world of T.B.A.!
Michael: When they found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.

Gob: What's this? A stuffy office meeting? Perhaps it's time for some Office Magic.
Ron: But what's Office Magic?
Gob: Sometimes it's as simple as turning 10:30 in the morning into... lunch time!
Ron: Why does lunch have to be so dull?
Gob: Perhaps you'd like some chicken!
[he rips open a bag and a dead dove flies out]
Gob: Cut!

George Sr.: I'm going to get a lethal injection because my son won't eat a potato.

Uncle: Lift, Dragon! Lift with VIGOR!

Narrator: Buster had brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to distance himself from his mother.
Buster: You can stay in this box of grass that Uncle Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: Actually, that was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana. Primo bud. Real sticky weed.

Steve: I've made a huge mistake.
Gob: I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.
Steve: I won't forget this... Dad.
Gob: [swallows roofie] I will. I will.

Narrator: Michael Bluth was taking his son to an interview at the prestigious Milford Academy, an institution once famous for its credo that children should be "neither seen nor heard".

Narrator: Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George Sr.: Probably a good career move.

George Sr.: What do I care? I've got a great wife, a wonderful hobby... I'm having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier mache copies of his own head.

Tobias: [footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on] Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.
Steve: I've been wondering my whole life who he is-a scientist? A doctor? A senator?
Gary: Well, I've got some bad news.
[He hands over a picture of Gob]
Steve: Wow. Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

Michael: Well, um, I was going to say that you don't know who my father really is and that what has happened to us is a great injustice, that we were never really given a fair chance. But that's not the truth. We've been given plenty of chances. And maybe the Bluths just aren't worth saving, maybe we're not that likable, you know. We're very self-centered. And my father may be the worst of us. Me, too. You know, I seem to... I threaten people who I don't feel support me. He poisons them. Anyway, here's my advice to you. Go ahead and take yourself a goody bag and get out of here while you can.
[Lucille applauds]
Narrator: The speech was disturbing. The food inedible. And the gift bags, well, pretty frightening. And when GOB found out he wasn't going to get tipped...
Gob: Wait! No, no, where's everyone going!
Narrator: The service got worse.
Gob: Where's my money? I'll follow you to your cars!
Byron: My thumb!
Narrator: Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all, it was one of the Bluth's better parties.

Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: It's out of context.
Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias: Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles]

Michael: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay: [under the influence of Teamocil] Oh my god, my foot is bleeding!
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael: Don't forget, we need you on the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay: Of course, why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay: Oh yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Gob: The illusion is called "Free Bird." A magical bird--me in a beak--stands on a platform. There's a puff of smoke, then I'm gone. Then seconds later, high above in a once-empty cage, who should appear?
Lucille: A guy that kind of looks like you?
Gob: No... Not how I do the trick. Even if it was, how'd the look-alike get up there?
Michael: He was hiding behind this mirror here?
Gob: No!

Lucille: Look what they've done, Michael! Look what the homosexuals have done to me!
Michael: You can't just comb that out and reset it?

[Lucille replaces Lupe with a robot vacuum cleaner, then catches Buster in bed with it]
Buster: Well, what do you expect, mother?
[holds up his hook]
Buster: I'm half machine. I'm a monster.

Michael: Are you just trying to get us at each other's throats like you did with the Boyfights videos?
Mexican: Boyfights! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican: Si! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican: I have this video!
Narrator: Boyfights were a big hit in Latin America.

Michael: What's wrong with your voice?
Lindsay: [Raspy] Nothing. I've been going out.
Narrator: Lindsay had been going out frequenting singles clubs, also still hoping to make her open marriage work - which it won't.

Michael: Tell me, at what point did you realize that you and Tobias had no chance at a physical relationship?
Lindsay: ...Oh, my God! Tobias and I have no chance at a physical relationship?
Michael: ...So, just now?

Narrator: Tobias went to a try-out for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.
[Tobias is hit by a car]
Narrator: Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.

Michael: [Michael discovers that Oscar is in prison, not George] I'm sure that Oscar could last another day in prison.
Narrator: Not according to the most recent blog entry on imoscar.com.

George: That's my ex-girlfriend, Ann. Her face will be forever etched in my mind.
George Sr.: Her?
George: She's really funny.
George Sr.: Well, let's hope so.

[Michael reveals that George Michael has a crush on Beth]
Beth: He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning
Michael: No, no, I covered that. I told him that you slept with my brother.
Beth: That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard.
Michael: Well, you've only been doing this half a semester. Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would have *tried* to sleep with you.

Michael: Everybody, I'm, I'm very sorry. Okay? I-I feel awful. I should have been here. I'm the one that was supposed to take that polygraph test and then I just turned on him, then this happened. But never again. Okay? I will never ever leave this family no matter what.
Lucille: You should have been here.
Michael: I feel like I covered that.
Lucille: Well, you didn't say it.
Michael: [Flashback] I feel awful. I should have been here.
[End Flashback]
Michael: Maybe you're right, maybe I didn't say it. I should have been here.

Michael: Hang on. Gob. You're not going to put that in. There's nudity on that. Maeby, why don't you go upstairs and get dressed.
Tobias: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
Maebe: Alright.
Tobias: That was odd.
Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. Is this what you want?
Tobias: Oh, God, no.
Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.

Michael: Hey, Linds, is it my imagination, or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?

Michael: I am not going to turn this mock trial into some kind of...
Gob: You were going to say "mockery", weren't you?
Michael: I was in trouble like three words into that.

Lucille: [the family is waiting for news on Buster from a very literal doctor] How's my son?
The: He's going to be all right.
Lindsay: Finally some good news from this guy.
George: There's no other way to take that.
The: That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don't know that I'd take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was all right.
The: Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."
Lucille: [Jumping on the doctor] You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor.
Lindsay: How do we keep getting this guy?
Michael: Mom, he's a very literal man.
The: Yes, that's more the way I would take the news.

[Gob is being interviewed for an office job]
Interviewer: It was really only your brother we were interested in. I mean, you don't even have any references.
[Gob performs a magic trick involving a small explosion and ending with a dove spontaneously appearing]
George: Is that enough of a reference for you?
[the dove lands on interviewer's head]
Interviewer: Even a letter of recommendation? Something like that.

Ron: We'll stick ya someplace.

Tobias: I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.
Michael: That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.
Narrator: Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

Gob: Nothing works in this house.
Michael: Tell me about it.
Lindsay: Is that a shot at me?
Gob: Probably.
Lindsay: Because for your information, I got a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Bees?
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Beads?
Michael: Gob's not on board.

Narrator: And so like two people who no longer felt anything for each other, George Michael and Maeby decided to get married.

Maeby: Wait until you find out who the new president is.
George Bluth Sr.: Oh no.
Gob: Did somebody say, "wait until you find out who the president is"?
Lucille: Yes, but then we figured it out, and your father said "oh no."
George Bluth Sr.: So hold on, we've got three million tied up in something Gobs involved in?
Maeby: Maybe we could hire him, like, a really good assistant?
Gob: One step ahead of you. I took this guy home last night after I found him next to the police station. Please, say hello to my new right hand man.
[long Pause]
Gob: Now, Geo-bead
Buster: Did somebody say, "I took this guy home with me after I found..."
[elevator door closes on him, trapping his hand as it goes down]

George Bluth Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Some of my students are arguing the significance of the shank bone on the Seder plate. But we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make a point!
Michael: Thought provoking.

Narrator: Michael and his son had never made a good athletic team. The only thing that George Michael was good at was hanging motion-less from the monkey bars, which the President's Council On Fitness ranks as "slightly easier than the slide".

Gob: Dad asked me to do this on the day he pleads not guilty, as a spectacular protest. A protestacular!

Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George: Breakfast.
Michael: Family.
George: Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

George: Well I'd rather live like this than be like my aunts and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard days work.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you getting all that?
George: From you, you say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.
Michael: Well you're right, they are spoiled.

Lindsay: [Lindsay is wearing Tobias's underwear] So what do you think?
Tobias: I've been looking for those! You're going to stretch them out!
Lindsay: Is that all you can say?
Tobias: Excuse me, but I like the way they shape my junk.
Lindsay: I don't know why, but you can take your junk and get out.

Lucille: [to the Hot Cops] Do you boys know how to shovel coal?
Narrator: I don't even want to tell you what these guys thought that meant.

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Michael: Is the an "N. Bluth" in the family we don't know about? They say there's been money found in an account under that name.
George Bluth Sr.: Of course not. The prosecution is trying to test us, see if we're going to turn against each other. They make stuff up. She doesn't exist.
Michael: Yet you refer to her as a she.
George Bluth Sr.: He... she... what's the difference?
Tobias: Oh here, here. In the dark, it all looks the same.

Gob: I've made a huge tiny mistake.

Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael: Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey. That's the name of the show.

Tobias: [after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record conversations of himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?
Michael: Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.
Tobias: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

George Bluth Sr.: I certainly didn't teach Buster how to compete, and look at how he turned out!
Byron: I think Mother is raising me just fine.
George Bluth Sr.: I used my contacts to get you a job and you quit!
Narrator: The job was at an Iraqi-owned toy store who wanted to use Buster to deter shoplifters.

[Tobias has painted himself blue]
Tobias: I blue myself.
Michael: There has got to be a better way to say that.

Buster: [Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.

J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.

Michael: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: [stunned] I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Herbert: [Handing Lindsay money] Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Lucille: [on the phone] I need you to track down GOB, I think he's trying to get me out of the house.
[someone knocks on the door]
Lucille: Never mind, it's just some idiot in a suit holding balloons.
Gene: [lifts up the mask] Oh... is it?
Lucille: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lucille: Your sister and I tried to get into that new restaurant, Rud, and they wouldn't let us in.
[Flashback]
Maitre'D: Mrs. Bluth, there's absolutely no room.
Lindsay: Come on. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille: Oh, who's going to believe that?
Narrator: With her blood sugar at a perilous low, Lucille made Lindsay pull into the nearest restaurant.
Waitress: Welcome to Klimpy's! Anywhere you like!
Lucille: [to Lindsay] This does not bode well.
[after they're seated, to waitress]
Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
Waitress: And what would you like?
Lindsay: I want my old life back.

Buster: [holding up a trophy] And I finally feel good about myself. "Saddest".
Michael: And I saw those people, that was a very competitive category.

George Bluth Sr.: [Michael gets the witness list for the deposition] Who's on the list? Any blabbers?
Michael: Just one, but he wont be talking unless there's a hand inside of them.
Tobias: Oh please, even then, I wouldn't say anything.
Michael: [stunned] That's reassuring. I was talking about Franklin, actually.

Gob: What about hash browns?
Kitty: No, because hash browns are potatoes.
Gob: So, you really can't eat anything on this diet. Wow, I wonder how this is going to affect my honey business.
Kitty: G.O.B., I have seen you get passed over, time and time again by your family. You don't deserve that, you're smarter than them.
Gob: What about macaroni... let me finish... salad?

[Tobias buying clothes to impress his daughter]
Tobias: I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
Salesman: Something that says... Leather Daddy?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

George: [Michael wants to leave his family] I like the family. I mean, if we leave, who's gonna take care of these people?
Michael: I don't know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magician's Alliance will pick up some slack.

Lucille: [catching Lucille and Buster in bed together] And yet you're too good to polish the candlesticks? You're fired!
Buster: You cant fire me! I'm your son! I'm firing you!
Lucille: I was firing Lupe!
Buster: Oh, that makes more sense.

[after watching Rita walk across the pool]
Michael: Gob, was that your trick?
Gob: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development:
Gob: [shouts] It's my illusion.

Narrator: Oscar was longing for his sweet freedom.
Oscar: [to Buster] Do you have any Sweet Freedom or any of the Hawaiian blends?

Lindsay: What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said.
Tobias: [flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: He said some wonderful things.

[George Michael is trying to explain to his uncle why he cannot take off a muscle suit]
George: I just can't take it off. You'll never understand.
Tobias: ...I'll never understand? That you can never be nude?
[he disrobes, exposing his cut-off jeans]
Tobias: I'll understand more than you'll... never know.

T: [Michael arrives at the banana stand after suspecting his father of burning down a warehouse full of incriminating evidence and attempting to run the company from prison, to find T-Bone, a former inmate, working at the banana stand] Welcome to Bluth Banana, where bananas are our business. May I interest you in a banana this day?
Michael: T-Bone, what are you doing here?
T: Oh. Your dad gave me this job.
Narrator: Michael realized that his father had even taken control of the banana stand. But he still had some unanswered questions, so he did a little detective work.
Michael: You burned down the storage unit?
T: Oh, most definitely.

Lucille: [Michael is bringing food upstairs] Is that for Lindsey? Because she's not scared to eat in front of me anymore. Those are the whites only, yes?

Michael: I don't know why you're not taking this "I'm out of here" seriously because I am out of here. Seriously.
Gob: Face it, Michael, you've made this threat before.
Michael: Tell me, when?
Michael: [caption reads: "Dinner mishap"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Christmas magic show fiasco"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Monkey Freedom Rally setback"] I'm outta this family, seriously.
Michael: This time we'll be so far away that you wont be able to find us.
George: Phoenix. We're going to Phoenix.
Michael: Don't tell them!

Gob: I'm sorry. Isn't Michael the least likable one in the family?
Jessie: No. There are very few intelligent, attractive, and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.
[the family stares at him]
Tobias: She... She said single. You did say single, correct? I thought l...

Thomas: I just want my kids back.

Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael gets a new roommate.
Gob: My middle and index fingers are...
Dr. Stein: ...switched for the first time ever!

Annyong: [Annyong is wearing an Uncle Sam costume] I want you.
Michael: OK, the jury might actually like that.

Michael: I was at the property the Japanese funded today. The whole backside has moles.
Tobias: That's Frank's problem, too.

[Lucille replaces Lupe with a robot vacuum cleaner, then catches Buster in bed with it]
Buster: Well, what do you expect, mother?
[holds up his hook]
Buster: I'm half machine. I'm a monster.

Michael: And since Kitty's not here, you can earn your check by answering phones.
Lindsay: Michael, it's Friday. Everybody coasts on Friday.
Michael: It's actually Saturday.
Lindsay: Finally. I'm outta here. I'll see you Tuesday.

Lucille: Candy bar?
Buster: [reaches for the offered candy]
Lucille: [takes it back] No, I'm withholding it.
[pause]
Lucille: Look at me, getting off.

Michael: We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.

Tobias: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
George: Please don't call yourself that.

Narrator: Gob was planning his escape from prison.
Gob: [peering into the cell block] Is there a private bathroom nearby?
George Sr.: [addresses the cell latrine] You're looking at it.
Gob: No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy.
[sees that his dad is serious]
Gob: No, I can't pass this key without privacy!
George Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh, you know they've been locking the doors lately.
[goes back to reading]
Gob: [defeated] I've made a huge mistake.

Larry: Larry, go to a mirror!
George Bluth Sr.: You're fired!
Larry: I'm fired? What? And this is how you tell me? At a wedding?
George Bluth Sr.: You should not have said that!
Larry: You shouldn't have said anything!

Gob: [singing repeated lines]
[as himself]
Gob: "It ain't easy bein' white."
Gob: [as Franklin] "It ain't easy being brown."

Tobias: And I am off to buy the perfect present for Maebe. Maybe she'd like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias: They probably don't make it in a woman's.
Narrator: They only make it in a woman's.

Kitty: Your wife's on line one.
Narrator: Michael's wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, "your wife is on line one."
Narrator: But not immediately.

Gob: So get this. I took his dress eyebrows.
Narrator: Sitwell suffered from a disease that rendered him completely hairless.
Michael: He's not gonna be happy about that.
Gob: No, especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.

Tobias: [after the Girls With Low Self Esteem video only shows the parts of GOB's magic act where he screws up] Douche chillllllllll...

Michael: I'm gonna give you the cash, but, in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.
Gob: My gut is telling me "No," but my gut is also very hungry. All right, I'll do it.

[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]
George: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Buster: [on the phone after Lucille threatens to cut his cord] They're trying to kill Baby Buster! Oh that's right, from the videos!

Ann: Quite a lot of sins for a Sunday afternoon, don't you think?

Tobias: Can I interest you in a smoothie or an amal... Michael!
Michael: Tobias! I thought you were in Vegas with Kitty and the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: Sadly, it turns out that the part I had destroyed my life to get had already been cast.
Narrator: The role was filled by George Sr. who used it to hide in plain sight. That is, until he choked on a marshmallow and almost died when nobody noticed that he had turned blue.

Michael: Hey, buddy.
George: Where were you?
Michael: I had to help out your grandfather and then I had to vow that I would never help your grandfather again. Pretty much a normal day. How are you doing?
George: I'm fine, I guess. It's just... You know, you think of prison as this place full of guilty people and it doesn't bother you that much, but if Pop-Pop could be there, then anybody could be there, and I don't want to go to prison, Dad. I don't think I could take it. I mean, I know I act tough, but I...
Michael: Is this what you're worried about? 'Cause, you know, I got news. He's, uh... he's guilty.
George: He is?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Incredibly guilty.

Michael: And I am going to be pretending to be your lawyer during the mock trial, whether you like it or not.
George Bluth Sr.: You're the lawyer! Oh, that's the same representation Captain Hook had.
Lucille: Oh, it's so good to laugh again!

Tobias: Ooh, I can taste those meaty, leading man parts in my mouth!

Annyong: I do it. I play Uncle Sam. Better than part I have now - guy who orders strike on Pearl Harbor.

Tobias: I guess what I'm saying is... I wanna reunite the band.
Michael: Oh no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne Acquisition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.

Narrator: Michael was afraid he had been caught in a lie about his family. The family was afraid they were caught by a woman they had clubbed, drugged, and left on a bench. It was awkward.

Rita: You could always make land. On the ocean.

Narrator: [closing lines] On the next Arrested Development... Tobias talks Lindsay into another session.
Dr. Phil Gunty: And I decided that... I want to become an actor too.
[laughs]
Narrator: And George, Sr. makes good on his promise to come clean with the international accounts.
George Bluth Sr.: [clearly reluctant] There's a good chance that I... that I may have committed some, uh, light... treason.

Lucille: Buster! Stop playing with Mother's rape horn Yes, I have a rape horn, Michael, because you took away my mace.
Buster: Yeah, like anyone would want to "R" her.

Tobias: [arguing with Lindsay] Oh, great, you're mocking me. You selfish?
[realises Maebe is watching]
Tobias: country-music loving lady!

Michael: Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne: Twice?
Michael: Two times.

[Gob is planning to break out of a prison for publicity]
Warden: You really think you can break out of my prison?
Gob: You won't even know I was here.
Narrator: The warden was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

Bob: I'd be very careful of these British people. They're gonna try to get their hands on any evidence they can to hurt the family.
George Sr.: So you're saying shred the evidence?
Bob: No, that's illegal. The prosecution is entitled to that evidence. Without it, they don't have a case.
George Sr.: So you're saying shred the evidence.
Bob: That's a felony. And I certainly couldn't endorse anything like that.
George Sr.: Got ya.
[to Larry]
George Sr.: Wink.
Larry: Wink. Did you say wink? Or did you wink?
Michael: He said that too, Dad.

Lucille: So this is why they dropped the charges, you gave me up George!
Oscar: I'm not George, George invited me. Oh stupid Oscar, when are you going to learn that there's no such thing as free shrimp?

Tobias: See, Buster, it wasn't a loose seal you couldn't stand up to, it was Lucille. Ooh, I'm getting chills. If this were a Lifetime Moment Of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: [music begins playing] But it wasn't.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, the FBI finds footage more troubling than they'd originally thought.
FBI: It appears there was something else on the videotape. We think it's a terrorist training film.
[He plays the tape and shows George-Michael acting out the lightsaber duel from "Star Wars"]
FBI: This kid's got moves.

Michael: That's why I had this meeting here, so Dad could not interfere.
Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?
Bob: This is Larry Middleman, he's your father's surrogate.
Michael: Surrogate?
Larry: That's right, you dumb fuck!
George Sr.: I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I'm stuck in this penthouse.
Larry: This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots... while this thing rubs my ankle raw.
George Sr.: I mean, look at this thing...
Larry: I can't even go in the hallway...
George Sr.: Without hearing that...
Larry: Beep. Beep. Beep.

Narrator: And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.
Lucille: Michael! What a surprise!
Michael: Really? Were you expecting someone else? Maybe one of your... two daughters?
Lucille: Oh Lindsay and Tobias never visit.
[laughs]
Lucille: Oh we're so bad.
Michael: I meant Lindsay and Nellie.
Lucille: You call him that too? It's so great to be able to talk like this!

Michael: This all makes sense now. Dad's in Reno, Kitty's in Reno, Dad's in Kitty, and Dad's a Blue Man.

Maebe: It's a Shemale.
[pronounced Sha-mall-ee]

Gob: If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and...
[he unzips his pants]
Gob: Ah, what the hell...
Michael: I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.

Tobias: I'm videotaping your nuptials.
Michael: [camera is pointed at Michael's crotch] I dont think I need any footage of my nuptials.

Tobias: [to a group of male strippers posing as street thugs] All right, fellas, look. I know you know nothing but a life on the street, but I'd like to offer you something that the Queen Mary gave me. The joy of the stage. So maybe you could start jeté-ing... and stop "je-terrorizing me.

Narrator: George Michael was interested in the subject of marital love because earlier that day, he discovered that the recent mock wedding he had acted in with his cousin was in fact as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.

Lindsay: Hug?
Maeby: Please don't squeeze the Shaman.

Buster: [Tobias hands Buster his business card] Ahhhh!
Tobias: Oh, it's pronounced "Analrapist".
Buster: It wasn't the pronunciation that bothered me.

Gob: Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.
Michael: You want to be in charge?
Gob: Yeah.
Michael: You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob: What kind of vacation time does it offer?

[Michael has a long, boring talk with Nellie]
Narrator: Yeah. While that's going on, let's see what's happening with the rest of the family.
[We see George-Michael doing his homework]
Narrator: Nothing there.
[We see George Sr. clipping his toenails]
Narrator: Or there.
[We see Buster in the hospital faking a coma. Adelaide crawls into bed with him]
Narrator: Oh my! Let's go back to Michael.

Gob: And as for Kitty, I think you're crazy to have fired her. Who knows what kind of information she has?
[flashback to after Gob and Kitty have sex]
Gob: He's my brother and he's never even said, "Good job. " I just want him to love me, you know?
Kitty: Wow, you get really girly after, huh?
Gob: [Back in the present] Yeah, she definitely knows way too much.

Gob: My bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees.

[repeated line]
Annyong: Annyong.

Lucille: [at the hotel where Motherboy is taking place] Oh fuck me! Exact same costumes. We'll get a room so we can change.

Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It's like "Die already!"
Starla: I love my mother.
Gob: Huh?
Starla: She's one of the two most important people in my life. You know, she and Quincy.

George Bluth Sr.: You never promise crazy a baby.

Narrator: [as Tobias, in blue makeup and sweatshirt, speaks on stage] Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy for the silent performance art trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[nods to offstage, and a piano plays opening notes as the Blue Man Group reacts in confusion]
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster reclaims his favorite hand chair.
[Buster sees Lucille and Oscar having sex in it]
Narrator: But the victory is short lived.
Buster: Make love in your OWN hand, MOTHER!

Michael: Spent an entire year living in that model home with those people and all they did was lie to us.
Narrator: The most recent lie was that the doctor said that George Sr. had a heart attack while in prison.
Doctor: We lost him.
Narrator: But what the doctor meant to say was that he had escaped, a feat he had accomplished by using the family's portable stairway vehicle.

Michael: Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it, both of you! This objectification of women has got to stop!
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.

Tobias: Somebody is a Rude Gus. That's all.

Tobias: I booked a wonderful spot for the party - the Queen Mary. Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea...
Michael: [quickly interrupting] I like hot sailors.
Tobias: Me too.

Gob: I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.
Maeby: Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.
Gob: I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.
Maeby: Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it.
Gob: Thanks, Maeby.
[Gob turns and walks away]
Maeby: Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.

Lucille: Barry's very good.

Michael: You may want to start acting like the president, GOB. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the president has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB had started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit! COME ON!
Gob: [at the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!
Gob: [in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit! COME ON!

[George Michael meets Maebe for the first time]
Mae: Excuse me. I bought one of your frozen bananas and when I bit into it, I found this!
[she shows him the foot she cut off of Lucille's fox wrap]
George: That looks like a foot.
Mae: It tasted like a foot! Which I really didn't mind except I believe I asked for no nuts.

[Michael catches George-Michael sneaking hard-boiled eggs to George Sr]
Michael: I think George-Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay: From who, the Nazis?
Michael: No, his girlfriend from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don't approve. I think I'm gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what... Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay: [sobbing] He was so amazing.
Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. You're really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay: I know. You know, it's funny-all those years when I pretended to cry... I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real. You know? And you haven't really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.
Michael: My relationship with Dad was much more-much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn't a lot of trust there.
Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected...
[opens refrigerator and looks inside]
Tobias: Hey, where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?

Narrator: And Nellie had a list of "won'ts".
Nellie: Please refrain from any
[bleep]
Nellie: or
[bleep]
Nellie: -ing or
[bleep]
Nellie: -isting or
[bleep]
Nellie: -ing or finger
[bleep]
Nellie: or
[bleep]
Nellie: or even
[bleep]
Nellie: . And please use a
[bleep]
Nellie: when you
[bleep]
Nellie: me. And if any of this winds up on the internet, I will
[bleep]
Nellie: you in the
[bleep]
Nellie: .
Tom: Our computers don't work on the internet.

George Sr.: [explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot arrested a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.
George Sr.: Really?
Michael: [nods]
George Sr.: [whispering] I got the worst fucking attorneys.

Michael: Are those pills?
Steve: I got them from Coach. They're filled with oxygen and it makes you incontinent. It's called "Oxy Incontin".

Mae: So what is this camping trip?
George: It's called "the Promised Land", you're supposed to make promises about your relationships in accordance with the generations that proceeded you.
George: [picking up a cup] Hey, there's booze in this.
Mae: That's the promised land that Ann's taking you to? You're going to need this more than Polly here.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...
Lindsay: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!
Dave: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Narrator: ...But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: [he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?
Narrator: Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.
George: Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.
Wife: Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.
[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]
Narrator: Then GOB catches a lucky break.
Judge: There's no way to tell who this man is.
Narrator: But it doesn't last long.
George: Oh that's me, your honor, I fucked my wife.
Barry: Oh, we've really lost this case.
Narrator: And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Mae: Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!
[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]
Buster: Hey, campers.
[the kids all scream and run away]
Buster: I'm a monster!
Michael: This may have been a step backward.

Ann: So, how did you like your egg?
Gob: I said you were fine.

Michael: His name is Gary and we don't need any more lawsuits.
Gob: Wait... Gary's gay? He's going to think I was coming onto him.
Gob: [flashback] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [flashback] I'd kill for that ass.
Gob: [flashback] Now lately, the chair doesn't seem to give out but as soon as I lean back...

Michael: Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to give you a promotion. Welcome aboard, Mr. Manager.
George: Wow. I'm Mr. Manager.
Michael: Well, manager; we just say manager. And you can hire an employee if you need one.
George: Do you think I need one?
Michael: Don't look at me, Mr. Manager.
George: Right, it's up to me now. I'm Mr. Manager.
Michael: Manager. We-we just say, uh...
George: I know, but you...
Michael: Doesn't matter who.

Michael: What the hell is that thing?
George Sr.: An electromagnet. Think of it as a giant delete key.

Jessie: [George Sr. has just become a devout Jew] Your father is religious now?
Michael: Yeah.
Jessie: We'll play that up, it's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah, who doesn't love the Jews?

[we've been introduced to the rest of the Bluth family]
Narrator: So, why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.

Lindsay: I cant believe Tobias dumped me for that whore Kitty. Do you think he would leave this? And these?
[points to her breasts]
Lindsay: And this?
[hands Michael a piece of paper]
Michael: Still the car.
Lindsay: Or this?
Michael: [hands Michael a picture] Glad I didn't spring for color.

Tobias: [about George Michael] He's a regular Freddie Wilson, that one.
Michael: I dont get that reference.
Lindsay: I dont either.
Tobias: I dont either.
Narrator: [shows a photo of a Village People group with the photo circled around the police officer] It's this guy.

Michael: So, what's going on with the fundraiser?
George Sr.: Well, I don't think the Home Builders Organization is gonna be supporting us.
Michael: Yeah, the HBO's not gonna want us. What do we do now?
George Sr.: Well, I think it's "Show Time." I think we have to have a show during dinner.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay tries to pay off her debt to Bob Loblaw.
Bob: Why don't you get a maid's uniform and come over to my house?
Lindsay: No way to misinterpret that...
Narrator: [Lindsay is next seen in a maid's uniform hauling out trash] Except the one...

Tobias: You're forgetting, Lindsay, that as a psychiatrist, I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first "analrapist".
Lindsay: Yeah, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
Tobias: [after showing the business card] Yes, but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to help raise our little girl. Where is Maeby, anyways?

[Michael wants to teach his son a lesson like the ones his father used to teach him]
Michael: I need the guy with the fake arm, J. Walter Weatherman.
George: Oh, he's dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioning on.

Gob: I've got a meeting with Dad's attorney today. He's going to want me to take a lie detector test to use as evidence in Dad's trial, but I don't want to. What if they ask about a magic trick? I can't risk it.
Michael: They're not going to ask you anything. They want me to take the polygraph test.
Gob: But I'm the oldest. The matriarch if you will.
Michael: Oh, sure, I will.

Michael: You taught me a lesson about not teaching lessons?
George Sr.: That was my last lesson.

Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing?
George: Breakfast
Michael: Family
George: Oh, right. Family. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

George Sr.: Next time this happens, I may not have a son in law to offer...
Michael: Well, I'm not...
[pauses]
Michael: OFFER?
George Sr.: Offer me counseling. He should have stayed a shrink.

Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab: [slurring words] Gothic asshole?
Tobias: That's what I said.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias: Yes, I am looking for the magic.

Gob: [watching footage of George Michael's "Star Wars Kid"] This has got to be the lamest thing ever put on tape.
Narrator: Not true. Buster had once filmed himself re-creating scenes from his then favorite film Chicago. He also liked Star Wars.

Narrator: And so lunch continued with both Bluth boys trying to prove they weren't interested in the women they were interested in.

George Sr.: [talking about his house arrest] You gotta get me out of here.
Michael: You're the one that said "no" to prison.
George Sr.: I was wrong. There you just had to shut your eyes and take it. Here, you have to shut your eyes and give it.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George Sr. almost comes face-to-face with the real mole.
[while sneaking through a crawlspace, George spots a mole and runs off screaming]
Narrator: No, not that one.
[the camera pans to the right]
Narrator: Wait for it.
[We see Annyong]
Narrator: There.
Annyong: Annyong.

Buster: Hey, possible nephew.

Gob: Michael, you have a chance to save this family. Please, do the right thing here - string this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
Barry: The solution to all our problems is staring you in the face and it can't even see you!

George Bluth Sr.: Just because a woman gets pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her. Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo said she used an IUD.
Lucille: It was a Stucky's.
George Bluth Sr.: But I believed you.

Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?

Narrator: Michael remembered what Buster did to what he thought was Rosa's favorite toy to what he thought was Rosa's car.
[Young Buster throws a vacuum cleaner at the bus]

Franklin: My name is Judge.
Gob: Whose name is Judge?
Franklin: My name is...
Gob: That's a silly name!
Franklin: -Judge. My name...
Gob: Yes I am judging your name. It am silly!
Franklin: - is...
Gob: Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?

George Sr.: Yeah, but what if she gives it to somebody who's even moderately intelligent?
Narrator: In fact, Kitty had gone to someone moderately intelligent in her continuing quest for control of the Bluth Company.

George: Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, 'cos.
George: [Maebe stares at him] It's a line from the Warden's screenplay.
Mae: What? Oh, OH! I don't know what I was worried about.
Narrator: And that would be the happiest moment George-Michael would ever experience in his entire life.

Michael: You certainly haven't been shopping! The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag.
Gob: You didn't eat that dove, did you? Because I only have a couple of days left to return it.

Adelaide: Oh Adelaide how could you do this again?
Narrator: It wasnt' the first time.
Adelaide: [flashback] Faker!
[she slaps the coma victim]
Adelaide: [flashback] Faker!
[she slaps the coma victim]
Adelaide: Oh Gary, if you love me, you'll take that first step.
[he does, she slaps him and he falls to the floor]
Adelaide: Faker!
Narrator: She was wrong on that one. It really was love that made Gary take that first step.

Tobias: Michael if I may take off my pants and pull my analrapist stocking over my head, I think George Michael may be suffering from what we in the soft-sciences call "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", or the "The O.C. Disorder".
Michael: Don't call it that.

Narrator: As Lupe was feeling sorry for Buster's loss of a hand, Lindsay was feeling sorry for her loss of Lupe.

Lucille: We had a fight. Who knows about what?
Narrator: I do.

Rollerblader: Leash your dog!

[Michael and Gob watch the Saddam Hussein trial on television]
Saddam: I am not real Saddam. The real Saddam Hussein has a scar on his forehead. I am no scar. I am no scar. Dot com.

Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael: .
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.
Tobias: I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so... onward and upward. On...
Tobias: [Cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy? Why?

Narrator: Michael was enjoying his time with Marta, and Lindsay was bonding with the man in the tree.
Johnny: You have no idea what it's like to save a living thing!
Lindsay: For your information, I do! Tobias and I used to be huge advocates for change. I guess that's why I was so attracted to him. He used to believe in things. We both did.
Johnny: Where is he now?
Lindsay: [sighs] He's at a weekend stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

Donnie: We dont have grades here. A student either learns and gets an "L" or they fluctuate.
George: What do we get for that?
Donnie: An "F".
[Mr. F music plays]

Byron: If mother sees this, she will blow a cow!

Michael: [while Lindsay, George Sr., and Lucille are all doing chicken dances] Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Tobias: [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Lindsey, say something to scare me
Lindsay: F*** me.
Tobias: Nope, nothing. Thanks for trying though.

Carl: [at Burger King] I'm going to go get a refill. You know you can get a refill on any drink you want?
Tobias: It's a great restaurant!
Narrator: It sure is!

Detective: Are you willing to take a polygraph?
Barry: [Michael refers to his lawyer for advice, who whispers rather loudly] Are you nuts?
Michael: [to the detective] Not without a better lawyer.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster signs Steve Holt up for the Army.
George: No, you can't, you can't! I'm finally ready to be a father to you. I know that now.
Steve: I don't go in for another two years.
George: Well, as your father, can I sign something?
[a giant green "X" appears on GOB]
Narrator: And George Sr. finds out that a fake Popemobile... cant stop real bullets.

Narrator: [after an old woman makes a racist comment] OK, we'll just tell you right now - she's the one who dies.

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: [Michael stares at her awkwardly] The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.

Michael: [to Lucille and GOB] Gee, I don't know what's more offensive - the fact that you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or the fact that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!
Gob: I had $900,000 worth of insurance put on it.

George: Three guys hanging out together... what could be more butch than that?

Herbert: Your lips are like a Murphy bed. They don't' take up much room, but they're there when you need them.

George: So, uh, I've been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias: Yes, okay, uh... well, have a seat. Uh... um... when a man... needs to prove to a woman that he's actua- when a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and, and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec...
George: I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you. I know what you mean. I, I didn't mean babies in general.
Tobias: Oh, well that's good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

Michael: [GOB rides up on his segway with an ancient Chinese sword] You look like you're fighting dragons. From the future.

Lindsay: Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out.

Iraqi: Sorry it took so long but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Drive.

Gob: This guy Tony Wonder bakes himself into a loaf of bread and pops out of a giant sandwich to feed the troops. I had that idea 10 months ago!
Michael: You had that idea?
Gob: Well, basically. I was gonna boil myself alive into a chowder and then be ladled into a giant cauldron to entertain and feed the firemen.
Michael: That's pretty close.

Lindsay: [about the Milford Academy] Buster was the only one who ever liked it.
Narrator: Buster so excelled at being neither seen nor heard that he remained at the school a full two semesters after he was supposed to graduate.

Gob: I
[bleeped]
Gob: the business model.
Narrator: Actually, they just made out.
Gob: Yeah, she had all kinds of orgasms.

Narrator: Michael had asked Lindsay to do the housework, and to his surprise, she was sort of doing it.
Lindsay: Hey, I found that canned ham that we've had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling hot water, and guess what we're having?
Michael: Soup?
Lindsay: Hot ham water.

Narrator: As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.
Patient: I keep getting this longing. This urge... does that make me a...
Mae: [interrupting] Homosexual...
Tobias: Maebe, please. Although she's probably right though, you probably are a homosexual.

Michael: [Michael catches George-Michael and Maebe in the attic] What are you kids doing up here?
George: Looking for the camping stuff. Where do we keep the mattress pumps?
Michael: I had to take all pumps out of here a long time ago.

Michael: What's all this?
George Sr.: Computer stuff from the office.
Michael: No, no, no, no, pop. You're not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? The mass firings?
Narrator: Before firing his employees, George Sr. would be sure to clear the office of its valuables.
Ted: So when do we get to see our fancy new offices?
George Sr.: [closing the truck door] When you get your fancy new jobs. You're all fired.
Narrator: The employees never saw it coming, although their first task was to unload their equipment from a truck.
George Sr.: No, it's not black Friday although I did enjoy those.

George: [George Michael answers phone] Hello, Bluth Company.
George: Talk you off what, PopPop?
George Bluth Sr.: Oh, George Michael! I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop? Put Kitty on the phone.

Michael: Hey, maybe you could pop a tent outside with your cousin Maeby.
George: Oh, I don't know...
Maebe: I'm not really the outdoorsy type.
Michael: Well, it'd be a good chance to rub off on her.

Gob: Attention Everyone. Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee.
[Two cheap looking, barely dressed women walk out]
Gob: Don't worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas.

Tobias: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I WAS thinking...

Michael: So listen, you've been married for two weeks now. It seems to be sticking. Let's pretend it's a good thing. I guess this makes me your best man and I would like to throw you a bachelor party.
Gob: [laughs] Yeah, I don't think she'd go for that. Besides, I talked to Dad. He said it was stupid to get married in the first place. And he's right. He's right. I-I've got to get rid of her.
Michael: You know, I said two weeks ago that I thought it was a stupid idea. Suddenly, Dad says it and it's good advice? You know, you don't have to do everything Dad says.
Gob: I don't do everything Dad says, he just happens to be right about this. You can help me get rid of her, though. Mom's having a cocktail party. She'll be there. You could try and break us up.
Michael: I can't do that.
Gob: Why not? You did with me and Marta. You had no problem with that, guy. You know what? Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes?
Gob: [impressed] See, that's great... and that's just off the top of your head.
[Tobias walks in]
Tobias: Michael, G.O.B. I was just in the neighborhood -
[distracted by the temperature]
Tobias: Good Lord, it is sweltering in here!

Lindsay: Leather chair? So you're against stealing, but skinning cows is cool with you.
Michael: I'm fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern is getting embarrassing. Since when are you against leather?
Mae: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: I'm not against the insides. People need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware that they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Gob: What do you think, dad... a whole... tiny town?
Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein!
Gob: Really? You'll build it with me?
George Sr.: Larry never really knows how to sell the sarcasm.

Wayne: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.

Michael: Mom wanted me to tell you she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.
Buster: Dammit! I hate the blue sweater!
Michael: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
Buster: Dammit! She's right!

[GOB tells Michael he's bought a boat called "The Seaward"; Lucille is just arriving]
Michael: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Gob: Spring break. It's my favorite holiday. Nothing gets me more excited.
Michael: I can see that. You might want to button that shirt up.

Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry: [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.

Michael: Buster got a medal, what for?
Lucille: Oh who knows what they were saying? It's probably because a seal ate his hand. Apparently, the army is giving out medals for being food now.

George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.

Gob: Hey, the Cornballer. Thought these things were only legal in Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere, but George Sr. continued to market it in Mexico, anyways.

Lindsay: Face it, Michael, Maybe the reason you keep coming back is because you need us.
Michael: Hmmm. Oh, that's rich. Huh. I need you. Alright, I'll tell you what. Mom, you're always asking me to help you look after Buster? You can find somebody else. I hope she doesn't kill you.
Buster: I'll kill her first!
Michael: And good luck trying to find someone to run the business, by the way. G.O.B., instead of always coming to me looking for money, saying, "I've made a huge mistake," you can bail yourself out next time.
Gob: I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?
Michael: Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom. It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, "Oh, help me Michael, I think my husband might be a ho..."
[Tobias uses the airhorn]

Lucille: If it's an idiot on a scooter in the middle of the night, it must be Gob.

Narrator: Then, Tobias, mistaking a group of garishly-clad men for pirates, boarded a van filled with homosexuals.

Narrator: Lucille, meanwhile, was growing closer to her recently adopted Korean son, whom she called Annyong...
Lucille: That looks much better, Annyong.
Narrator: ...which isn't a name...
Annyong: Annyong.
Narrator: ...but the Korean word for "hello."

Steve: Your mom seems pretty cool.
Maebe: That's not my mom.
Steve: ...but she said you were her daughter.
Maebe: His daughter. It's my dad.
Steve: That's a dude?
Maebe: And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing.

Gob: Gilligan killed the Skipper - I mean, the stripper!

Tobias: Time for me to take off my receptionist skirt and put on my Barbara Streisand in the Prince Of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word, "Sudden Valley"?
George: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason I don't want to eat it.
Michael: Right. But, "Paradise Gardens"?
George: Yeah... Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.

[after being put in charge, Buster passes out at his first board meeting]
Lucille: We need Michael.
George: [holding a glass] We need ice.
[two paramedics pick up a stretcher with Buster on it]
Byron: Michael. We need Michael.

[Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party]
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.

Michael: Mom, I'm looking for G.O.B. There are some people after him, and I don't know if it's gambling or what, but, um... they want to break his legs.
Lucille: It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter.
[laughs]
Lucille: Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Byron: [entering] Where's my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage. I guess you'll just have to decide which Lucille you want to spend your nights with.

Michael: You know, Gob, instead of trying to impress your fake father, maybe you should spend some time with your real son.
Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George: Steve Holt? The moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.
Michael: [Gob attacks George-Michael] Hey, that's my son!

Michael: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Gob: Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?

Dave: Okay, I checked underneath, and there is a problem. This isn't a real house.
Michael: It's a model house.
Dave: Well, the drain pipes aren't hooked up. They just empty under the house. Plus, there's a whole lot of blue paint down there.
Michael: And pieces of denim?
Dave: Yeah.
Michael: We've got a guy like that here.
Dave: Well, that's why your living room is sinking. I think the city's going to have to red-tag it.

[voice over]
Narrator: [Michael gave Gob a letter to mail] Gob had not mailed the letter, but rather, as an act of defiance, dramatically threw the letter into the ocean.
[Gob is attempting to throw the letter in the ocean but it keeps getting blown back because of the wind]
Narrator: This proved to be a slightly more difficult gesture than he had anticipated.

Lucille: [after dropping some food] Where's my maid? ROBOT!
Narrator: But the robot had other plans.
Byron: [Lucille walks into Buster's room to find him sleeping with the robot vacuum cleaner] What do you expect, Mother? I'm half machine! I'M A MONSTER!

Gob: I got great news.
Michael: Good, I could use some. I just had to convince Mom to have sex with Dad.
Gob: [repulsed] Oh, God! Michael, what is wrong with you? You're disgusting!
Michael: What's wrong with you?
Gob: Oh, just the thought of Mom and Dad... together... I have a sense of propriety.

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

Narrator: There were actually two "Startled Straight" tents, but George Sr. had accidentally wandered into the church sponsored one, determined to steer homosexual men into a more heterosexual lifestyle.
George Bluth Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Gay: Is he ugly?
George Bluth Sr.: You can't see anything. It's pitch black. And it NEVER STOPS, guys! And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
Gay: Is there a cover charge?

Gob: [chasing after Michael] Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons! If you're headed for Portugal, it's due south!
Michael: What? No it isn't!

Lindsay: I wonder how many women he's slept with, if any.
Michael: Lindsay, it's not a competition.
Lindsay: Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it scoring.
Michael: Maybe in the '70s.
Lindsay: Really? We've only been doing this for a month.

Mae: Who's the hottie?
Michael: This is Ann's mother.
Mae: Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?

Michael: Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?
George: No. No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.
Michael: Yeah, that makes sense.

Wife: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother, the one in the army.
Wife: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael!
Wife: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. You're in love with me. Me.
Wife: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Wife: I know it can never be. So I'm leaving and enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother.
Wife: No.

Barry: Okay. First of all--
[looks at Lucille Bluth]
Barry: What are you doing? Pilates? Because no 40-year old woman should look like that.
Michael: Well, no 40-year old woman does look like that.

[Repeated Line]
George Sr.: I have the worst fucking attorneys.

George: Say what you want about America - thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mice!
Gob: Who said anything bad about America?

Narrator: George Michael did not have O.C.D., but in fact, he was afraid his Aunt Lindsay was going to burn the house down.

Lindsay: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Michael: Buster? You mean, the one who thought the blue on the map was land?

Adelaide: Oh Buster, you're such a (bleep)
Michael: [Buster looks confused] That means she likes you.

Gob: Michael, you can save this family. Please! Do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.
Tobias: [on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Tobias: [out loud] Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: [on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: [out loud] Context...
Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: And he realizes there IS something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias: [out loud] Tobias... you blow hard!

Gob: Well... sounds like "Hermano" is about to get his ass kicked.

Tobias: [playing George Sr. on the TV show Scandalmakers] Perhaps an attic shall I seek...
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Gob: Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
Spanish: Como?
Gob: Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

Gob: One of this guy's eyebrows just fell in the bowl of candy beans.
Stan: I always carry a spare.
Gob: Well I hope you also carry a spare bowl of candy beans!

Michael: So there's no sex?
Lindsay: I mean, how do you not have sex with me?

Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Michael: [about the Banana Stand] I burned it. Right down to the ground.
George Sr.: Are you kidding? There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now, dad. So the next time you want have a little power struggle, just know that you're playing with fire.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael.
Michael: Why didn't you tell me?
George Sr.: How much clearer can I say
[yells]
George Sr.: There's always money in the banana stand!
Prison: [George Sr. Has grabbed Michael and started shaking him] No Touching!
George Sr.: [George puts his hands in the air] No touching!
Prison: No touching.

George: Maeby, someone's going to get hurt. Not to mention, it's kind of disrespectful for kids who actually have this.
Maeby: Not a lot of kids have B.S. these days.
George: What does that stand for?
Maeby: I don't know. It's B.S.

Lindsay: Michael, you cant expect mom to drive. She's the world's worst driver.
Narrator: Lindsay was not exaggerating. Lucille had recently been featured on a Fox special "World's Worst Drivers".

Tobias: Hey, it's Tobias. Who wants to take me to the hospital?

Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that's not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
Tobias: That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys' Linuses.

Lindsay: Maybe if I can get Hope this crown, her father might just want to crown me, if you catch my drift.
Michael: I'm guessing "have sex", but that would be meeting you more than half way.

Michael: Oh that's a tough race.
Steve: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a pussy.
Narrator: And Steve didn't mean "pussy cat".

Narrator: Lindsay was nervous, so she went to take a shower to relax.
Customer: [a family of four is touring the house and sees Lindsay naked] Come on kids, let's go get some cookies!
Narrator: The kids were in for some bad news too.

Michael: [looking at a gift basket Michael received] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Byron: Oh, for God's sake. Can't you keep my hand to yourself?

Tobias: You know, Mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial, that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.
[leaves room]

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development: The Alliance decides to let Gob back in.
Rollo: [at the Magicians' Alliance office] Tell me, how did you get two Alliance-approved assistants with such short notice?
Gob: Oh, that was just my girlfriend and my nephew.
Rollo: [quickly conferring with other Alliance members] Well, you're out.

Tobias: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can't say how or when... or where my wedding ring is...

Narrator: George Michael should have realized by the sailor suits Lucille dressed him in that he was not going north to the Promised Land. No, he was going south. South, to Motherboy.

Michael: I asked you to clean the house and you only did it once.
Lindsay: You didn't even thank me for doing it.
Narrator: She didn't even do it that time but instead intercepted her mother's housekeeper Lupe.
Lindsay: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Lupe: [holds up a pair of underwear] Almost done. Yours? Or Meesters?
Lindsay: Meesters.
Narrator: Lupe never accepted a ride from her again.

Kitty: Say goodbye to these!

George Sr.: [while Michael and GOB are teaching his father an elaborate lesson] Please don't hurt me!
Narrator: But the mistreated painters were actually looking forward to that part.

[in Lupe's house, Buster finds a chair that looks like a hand]
Byron: Hey, it's my old hand chair. I never thought I'd miss a hand so much.

Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.

Warden: [acting friendly] Well, if it isn't "Sincerely Yours.
Narrator: [as Gob is grabbed and pressed against his parents' trailer] And so, Gob was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.
Gob: [crying] Oh, God, Mommy, what did you do?

Michael: Buster, you cant zip-line over there!
Buster: Either I zip down or he zips up! And that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit! You have to get on your knees to start it!
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster!

[Gob hosts a video on Graft-Vs-Host disease]
Gob: Graft-Vs-Host. When you hear about it, it sounds like a match up between tennis great Steffi Graf and "Happy Days" star Donny Host.
Narrator: It's MOST.

Narrator: [GOB reunites with his son and asks him to go to the family's cabin property] If Steve Holt had a father, he would have been warned not to go into the woods with strange men. But he didn't.

Narrator: It was the first taste of alcohol that Buster had since nursing.

Barry: Okay. I'm going to get out of your hair. We'll talk about this money later in the week.
Michael: Excuse me. We're not going to pay $20,000 to get my dad out for one day.
Barry: No. It's a bond. It's all refundable, unlike my time.

Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Sally: Still doing your little tricks?
George: Do you consider this to be a little trick?
[Gob tries to create a fireball, but sprays Sally with lighter fluid instead]
Sally: Did you just... squirt me with something?
George: It's lighter fluid. Didn't put in a new flint.
[trying to cover]
George: But still: where did the lighter fluid come from?

Tobias: [covered in blue paint] It seems I might have stumbled upon an acting opportunity.
Michael: As a member of the Blue Man Group?
Tobias: Oh no, you're thinking of the support group. I made that same mistake myself. They're called the Blue Man Group.

Michael: [in police car] What'd you do?
George: Just trying to be a good guy.
Michael: Me too... let's go visit Pop-Pop.

George Bluth Sr.: Michael, do you have any idea what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, I don't. It sounds wonderful, though.

Dave: [discussing Tobias with Carl Weathers] Whoa, this guy's straight?
[holds up a pair of Tobias' cut-offs]
Dave: Then, what am I wearing these for?

[Mort takes Maeby's book report thinking it's a movie treatment]
Mort: What's this? So, you're this Funke everyone's been talking about. You can't be more than what? Fifteen?
Mae: [laughing] Marry me!

Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry: [to his secretary] I'm not here!
Barry's: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, *and* I'm not paying for this phone call!
Barry: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.

Lucille: [Speaking to George Sr. about faking their divorce] After the trial you can move back in. It's just a trial separation.

Gob: Oh, now you love the ten commandments, yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him, unless it be-eth me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Tobias: Don't leave your Uncle T-bag hanging!

Gob: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel.
[Thinks for a moment]
Gob: There are six things I'm mad about...

Lucille: I don't care if I ever eat again.
Ann: You know, when times are tough, you can always turn to the power of prayer.
Maeby: Here we go.
Lucille: Show me.

Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
George: Oh, come on! I lie to yours all the time.

Lindsay: Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael: That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael: What is that? Is that a chicken?
George: What's this?
Lindsay: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael: No, I'm not.
George: This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!

Tobias: [reading a script with terrible acting] "I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm a different kind of cop. I'm from the streets, and I'm the last cop you'll ever want to mess with in a darkened al - dark alley
[drops the act]
Tobias: Oh, you know, maybe my wife is right. I'm not cut out to be a DeNiro, or a Regis, or a Pinkett-Smith. I shou...
Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tobias, listen to me. Dreams are worth fighting for. Now, are you gonna be an actor, or are you gonna be a doctor?
Tobias: You're right, Carl Weathers! I should just march into that restaurant where my wife works and...
Carl: Whoa, your wife works in a restaurant? Do they get free shift meals or a discount on select menu items?
Tobias: Uh, I don't know.
Carl: Well, let's find out, man!

Michael: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.

Mae: You know that secret you have? The one about the hair that nobody is suppose to see?
George: [uncomfortable] uh...
Mae: I saw it.
George: [more uncomfortable] oh...
Mae: I saw pop-pop.
George: [relieved] Oh right! Pop-pop with hair.

Lucille: You idiots. If he sees me with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[Wayne goes to hide]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.
Michael: I can live with that.

Michael: I'll just stay here and read, then.
Narrator: This too proved challenging as the Bluth family had no books.
[Michael opens up a box with copies of "The Man Inside Me"]
Narrator: Except for those. And that's when Michael got a glimpse of the warden's true intentions with his mother.
Michael: [after reading the screenplay] I wish I had read "The Man Inside Me".

Michael: I knew you wouldn't have the guts to go through with the divorce.
Lindsay: You're one to talk. You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife. And you guys weren't even speaking toward the end.
Michael: Lot of that was the coma.
Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.

Gob: I fucked Kitty!
Michael: Oh, no! I only wanted you to get the information!
Gob: Michael, I got the information!
Michael: You did? About the international accounts?
Gob: [beat] Oh, I see where you're getting at. No, I didn't get the information.
Michael: Well, you just lost the touchlamp.
Gob: Michael, no!
Michael: I'll use the touchlamp to help set the mood in the trailer where Dad's nailing Mom!
Gob: You are filthy!

Narrator: As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.

Marta: Actually, we had a big fight. He thought I was belittling his career, but I never would do that.
Michael: Neither would I. What career?
Marta: The magic?
Michael: Oh, the tricks! The little tricks. Those are great.
Marta: Well, he didn't like my reaction to his new one.
Gob: [In flashback: Gob pushes a metal spike through an apple in front of Marta and her sons] Real needle, real apple... real neck!
[Gob pushes the spike into his neck; blood appears to gush from it]
Marta's: [screaming] ¡Él es zombi!
Marta: They're children! How could you do that?
Gob: Oh sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done.

Michael: [about George Michael's test] A-?
George: Are you proud of me?
Michael: Very proud... minus.

Michael: My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne: I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Maeby: [takes the bag of food] I think I WILL do better once I get a little mexican in me!

Michael: [Michael and GOB are trying to break into the prison] If only we had a map.
Gob: [rips off his shirt revealing a map] Like this? I drew it upside down.
Michael: This is going to be awkward.
Narrator: It was awkward.
Prison: [Michael is awkwardly positioned over GOB] Hey guys, if you want to party, maybe you should take it inside?
Gob: That was a freebie.

Lucille: [after Michael answers the phone] Ahhhhhh.
Michael: You've really got to stop starting conversations like that.

Michael: [on Buster's bike accident] You were flying today, buddy.
Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.
Lucille: You let him go in the sun?

Lucille: Oh I seem to remember a certain young man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special with the girl he liked on it.
Michael: That was Buster. And that's my point.

Gob: [whistling] I have some conditionsss...
Michael: Do you?
Gob: ...termsss... One condition and one term!

Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Bluth Sr.: [he shoves Tobias against the wall with his hand covering Tobias's mouth] I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here and if you tell anybody, you are dead.
Narrator: Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.
George Bluth Sr.: Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!

Gob: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Michael: I'm going to have to start putting people in the trunk.
Narrator: At that very moment, Buster was climbing into the trunk.
Buster: [videotaping himself] Mother, when you see this tape, you will know that I've left. Not out of cowardice, but out of... man, it's tired in here!@
Narrator: Six minutes later, Michael stopped to drop off his mother's housekeeper.
Buster: [Buster climbs out of the trunk] Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, Buster was in Santa Ana, a town six minutes inland from his own, but the combination of losing his glasses and breathing carbon monoxide had impaired Buster's judgement.
Buster: [seeking shelter] This will keep me safe from the hot Mexican sun.
Lupe: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Buster: I'm trying to find a place to live!

Mae: [Maebe and George Michael are planning to follow Maebe's parents] Go! Drive!
George: Well, it says "Bluth Company" on the side, they'll notice that. Plus it's a staircase, that's going to catch the eye.
Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle is the last vestige of the Bluth's former wealth. Also, that House Of Pies went out of business.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic.
Lucille: Oh, I remember a certain young man who said "But I don't have scary dreams in your bed!"
[the board room starts laughing]
Michael: That was Buster!

[George Sr. has been offered a plea bargain nobody has read]
Michael: All right, listen, this is all getting a little crazy. We cannot accept their plea if we don't even know what the plea is.
Barry: Do you want to read it?
Michael: No, it is pretty thick. Maybe we should just take the plea.
Barry: Oh, I could kiss you on the nuts!
Michael: We just gotta hope that... what?

Lucille: You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you! I like being WITH you!

Michael: [about Nellie] It's like we finish each other's...
Lindsay: Sandwiches?
Michael: Sentences. Why would I say...
Lindsay: Sandwiches?

Man: You're married to Carl Weathers? Shit!

Buster: Hey, fake Uncle Jack.

Lindsay: You know, we're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?
Johnny: You don't really get nature, do you?

George: [upon reading who he's been cast as in the school play] Stand in for... Steve Holt?
Steve: Steve Holt!

Mae: He's in L.A., she's in Japan, how do I get these two characters together?
Rita: You could always walk. Along the ocean. If it's not too deep.
Mae: No! Deep is good! People are going to say "what the hell just happened?" and I'd better say I like it because nobody wants to seem stupid!
Rita: The Ocean Walker.
Mae: Holy crap, that's gonna look good on a hat!

Bob: [commercial] Are you a corporate executive facing these or other charges? You don't need double talk! You need Bob Loblaw! After all, why should you go to jail for a crime somebody else noticed?

George: [to Maebe] Maeby, don't you get it? They're not even eating these. They just like saying "bananas" and "nuts," and I won't... I won't tell you why. That's your father's job.
Tobias: [elsewhere, filming the "Men With Low Self Esteem" video] Come on. Let's see some bananas and nuts. Oh, perhaps we should just pull their pants off.

George: Ten cents gets ya nuts.

Michael: You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Mae: The important thing is that you guys don't lose focus on yourself.
[Maeby walks away]
Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert - oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!
[Michael and Lindsay stare in silence]
Tobias: I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I do apologize profusely, I'm - oh...
[Tobias walks away in embarrassment]

Transvestite: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.

Rita: Oh Michael, you're such a (bleep).
Narrator: I cant believe we had to bleep that out. That would have been such a nice moment.

Hope: [singing] The Lord has a place / but my body wants to go all / state on / state on / state on you.

Maeby: What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Mock Trial With J. Reinhold spawns imitators.
Gob: All rise, Bud Cort is now in session!
Bud: Please be seated.
Gob: [as Franklin] Hard to be seated when you got someone's hand up your ass!
Bud: Can we lose the puppet?
Narrator: And Michael discovers that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.
Michael: [looking at old family photos] I have an older sister?
Narrator: So much for not abandoning family.

Marta: What's the matter?
Michael: It's my mother. Probably just calling to remind me about... Dad's hearing.
Marta: Oh, I understand. With my father, it's the vision.

Lucille: And guess what else is back?
[Lucille winks]
Michael: My breakfast?
Lucille: My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.
Michael: No, it's my breakfast. I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet.
Lucille: Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff.
Michael: Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Tobias: I have a list of men who could fill every opening you have.

Michael: You guys are identical twins?
Donnie: Identical quintuplets.
Narrator: There was Andy, the show off, Jared the flirt, Donny the sensitive one, Rocky, Andy's stunt double, and then there was Emmitt, who asked that we not show his face, although composite photography tells us that he might look something like this.

Thomas: I'm Tom Jane!

Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.

Tobias: This is the chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

Maggie: I'm blind!
Michael: I'm wasted!

Gob: [about Ann] Plus, that one is religious. It gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. I know, I dated a chick like that once in high school. Wait... no, I didn't.

Buster: [while performing the "Sword of Destiny" trick] Will you hand me the trick sword, please?
Gob: It's a real sword!

Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison: No touching.

Gob: [laughing at a joke an employee told about George Sr] Into the Kitty.
George Sr.: [to Michael] Fire Tom and get your jackass brother out of here.

Tobias: [Tobias and a group of Hot Cops posing as gangsters approach a real gang] Hey, fezellas! Heh, looks like you guys are up to no good! Well, this gang used to be like that, two, three, four!
[the Hot Cops all get into position as Tobias starts to dance to a hip-hop beat]
Tobias: So you think you're tough? Well, we hate rappin'! But don't bust a cap in, 'cause here's what's happenin'! We're breaking out some old-fashioned tapping!
[They all begin to tap dance]
Hot: Hey bloods and crips, there's a new gang in town-
[a gunshot sounds]
Hot: Agh! I've been shot!
[He falls to the ground]
Tobias: We miscalculated! Retreat!
[the group attempts to escape, but the gang blocks and beats them]

Narrator: The family continued to chant "Speech, speech, speech..." for no one in particular.

Michael: Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.

Barry: A company called Standpoor.
Gob: Standpoor?
Michael: As in the opposite of Sitwell, which is run by a certain hairless man who could be very upset with you right now.
Gob: What has he to be upset with me about?
[one of his eyebrows drops down]
Michael: You are wearing his eyebrows?
Gob: It made me feel dressier.

Michael: [GOB is being escorted out of the office] You guys didn't have to do this...
Narrator: The guard had recently lost half his tie to "Office Magic".

Lucille: Here you go, hot tea, because that's what you are: a hottie.

Gob: I didn't even know we had a cabin in the woods.
Michael: Oh shit. I've never been to the cabin, GOB.
Narrator: Though he had often been promised.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1977"] Oh sorry buddy, something came up. This nice lady here lost her puppy and I'm going to help her find it.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1980"] Oh sorry buddy, this girl's dad got sick and I'm taking her to the hospital.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1983"] Come on, you're old enough to understand this by now - I'm nailing this broad!

Michael: Hey Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?
Lucille: Like it was yesterday.
Michael: It was this morning. And now I hear that you've hired a crew for the yacht? I'm selling that yacht.
Lucille: Michael, you haven't heard why I want it: To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday!
Michael: I enjoy a bicentennial as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.

Barry: Speaking of out of sight, do you know where your husband is with that Winnebago? Because since I got out of prison George has let me stay there without him knowing it.

Buster: [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being withholding.
Michael: Whoa, Buster!
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady!
Buster: Because I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster: Buster
[long bleep]
Buster: you old horny slut!
Michael: [stunned] Nobody's going to top that.

Lucille: Oh, hello, Buster. Here's a candy bar. No, I'm withholding it. Look at me, "getting off. "

[first lines]
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. For ten years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he's happy.

Oscar: I'm your dad's twin brother! I'M OSCAR! DOT COM!
Michael: I'm taking my son to the cabin and there's nothing you can say to convince me that you're not my dad.
Oscar: I understand. Your son comes first.
Michael: Oh my god, you're Oscar.
Oscar: Dot com.

Michael: [opens a bag in the fridge marked "Dead Dove, do not eat", closes it quickly] I don't know what I was expecting...

Tobias: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha ha!" Casting directors hate this!
Narrator: They really do.
Casting: [cut to casting director's office] The glitter queen struck again. Never hire Tobias Funke.

Gob: It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong?

Michael: [referring to George Michael smoking pot] All I know is that this has been going on forever. His eyes are red, his grades are slipping.
Gob: I heard about the A minus.

Narrator: On the next "Arrested Development", Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of prison.
Michael: You LOVE IT here?
George Sr.: I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.
[high-fives another prisoner]

Lucille: If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally.
Lucille: [earlier that day] I don't care for Gob.

Buster: No, mother, I can blow myself and you have interfered for the last time!

Bob: Why don't you volunteer for something?
Larry: I'll do anything to get out of this fucking apartment.
Lucille: You'll do anything to get out of fucking in this apartment.
Larry: Ah, you're drunk.

Usher: Sir, we will not be starting with "Less Cousins Dangeroozies" until you leave.
Lucille: I'm sorry, I was under the impression my AARP card was good for one and a date.
Byron: I knew society wouldn't accept this. And they never will.
[Buster bolts for the curtains, not realizing there's a cinder block wall behind it. He collides and collapses]
Lucille: Buster... Buster...
Usher: We just need the three extra bucks.

George: Hey, was Aunt Lindsey ever pregnant?
Gob: Oh yea, dozens of times.

[Michael walks out onto the balcony of Lucille's apartment and finds Uncle Jack sitting on the railing]
Michael: Are you sure it's such a good idea to be sitting up so high?
Uncle: Ah, don't worry. Dragon's got me.
Michael: Dragon's in the bathroom.
Uncle: Mama!

Tobias: He might be afraid of sex, but you're not.
George: I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias: Well, OK, have sex with this girl. Right now. Get in there, have some sex with here.
[George Michael hesitates]
Tobias: I thought so.

[repeated line]
Michael: I'm sorry, pal. It's just not going to happen this time.

Lucille: [Lucille's necklace flies across the room to the electromagnet] That's not a real gold necklace, is it?
George Sr.: Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

Gob: You know, I sorta thought my contribution... could be a magic show!
Michael: Hey, that's great! That's perfect, Gob! Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Tobias: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
[laughs]
Tobias: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.

Michael: Oh my god, they just shot off Buster's good arm.
Byron: And that's why you dont use a one-armed person to scare someone!

Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding FROM a child. Big difference.

[Michael discovers Gob is now president of the Bluth Company]
Michael: How much damage could he possibly cause?
Narrator: In just three hours, Gob had caused $45,000 worth of damage.
[we see Gob playing pool in Michael's office. he pulls back his cue and hits the wall]
George: Hit there.
[his assistant makes a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer]

George: [Arguing with his math book] Dumb, dumb George Michael, dumb...
Michael: Hey, calm down there, you two; it's just a math problem.
George: Yeah, but if I fail math then there goes my chances to get a good job and have a happy life full of hard work, like you always say, right Dad?

Tobias: Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.

Nellie: [to Michael] I've always been mildly attracted to you.

Narrator: Buster faced his second biggest fear.
Buster: I can't swim! I can't swim!
Narrator: And then his first.
Buster: [the seal that ate Buster's hand appears] Oh come on!

Tobias: No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.

[the salesman is showing Michael a Corolla]
Car: We have about four hundred of these.
Michael: I don't know. I don't want anything too popular.
Car: It's not popular. We have four hundred of them.

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Church And State Fair, Maeby was signing up for the inner beauty pagaent.
George: So why are you doing this, Maeby?
Mae: It's Shirley. I'm just here to show that all these pagaents care about is looks.
George: What's with your nose?
Mae: Isn't it cool? It's the same one Nicole Kidman wore in "The Hours".
Narrator: It had been purchased for her by Jamie Kennedy who was hoping to land a part in Maeby's film.
Jamie: Ten thousand dollars!
Mae: You're such a dear, but I'm not putting you in my remake.
[a giant green "X" appears on Jamie Kennedy]

Tobias: And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not from the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.
Debrie: I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Tobias: Episodics? Been there.
Narrator: It wasn't episodic.
[flashback to a bedroom film set with a visible boom mike and actors reading off cue cards]
Narrator: She had been in a series of softcore porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called "Straightbait".
Debrie: This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.
'Gay': And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.
'Straight': [interrupts] I'll show you I'm not gay I am.
[all three begin to undress]
Narrator: She did six of these movies,
[they get onto the bed in a triangle arrangement, which eventually causes it to break]
Narrator: and after lunch, did three more.

Lucille: Care to join me for a glass of breakfast wine?

Mae: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
Michael: That's a cross.
Mae: Across from where?

Veterinarian: Justice is fine.
Michael: Great.
Veterinarian: Although, dressing him up like a seeing eye dog seems a bit cruel.
Michael: Cruel?
Veterinarian: Well, yeah because he can't see.
Michael: What are you talking about?
Veterinarian: Mr. Bluth, Justice is blind.

Tony: So, I want you guys to be on Use Your Illusion. Only now it's Allusion with an A. So if you guys want to put an allusion in there somewhere like, you know, Poe or something or--Don't do Poe, 'cause I'm doing Poe.
Buster: What about Chaucer?
Tony: Just not Poe, okay?

Michael: [after being burned by the Cornballer] Mother of God! Oh! Every damn time! Oh, this is a big one!

Narrator: [Michael and Buster are putting on biking gear] Michael decides to fill the void left by his son with his brother.
Michael: You know, I'm in pretty good shape. You could be eating my dust out there!
Narrator: And Buster was giving as good as he received.
Buster: Yeah, and you could be
[loooooong expletive]
Buster: that's gonna
[looooong expletive]
Buster: !
Michael: [stunned] Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
George: Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.
Michael: What about, "Paradise Gardens"?
George: Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.

Narrator: ...And Michael was forced to, once again, call in the counsel of Barry Zuckercorn.
George Bluth Sr.: Thank you for coming down on Christmas Eve.
Barry: Oh, it's like any other day, except that I bill double.

White: White Power!
[as he stabs Gob in the kidney]
Gob: But I'm white!

Tobias: Where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?

Barry: Those are the pictures?
Wayne: They're all over the news.
Barry: Those are balls.
Wayne: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning how to use his new camera phone.
Barry: This close, they always look like landscape. But nope, you're looking at balls.

Michael: We cant take GOB with us.
Narrator: Michael and GOB had been to Mexico before.
Gob: [after a kid offers him some "chicle"] I'm the chicle? You're the chicle!
[proceeds to do his chicken dance]
Narrator: Unfortunately in Mexico, this was considered a much more inflammatory gesture.

Narrator: As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet. But after landing on his mother's housekeeper's head, it flew away. And into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Michael: [after confronting his son about marijuana] He's lying to me! I don't believe it! Where the hell is this family's morality?
Gob: [lets out a puff of marijuana smoke] I don't know. Oh, it's... cold out.

Michael: I love you all, Marta.

Gob: What did you come here for, Michael? I hope it's not for a handout. I run a pretty tight ship around here.
Michael: With a pool table.
Gob: It's a gaming ship.

Lindsay: I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me I'll be at the bar.

Narrator: Remember when I said that GOB had a son? I wasn't just saying so. In high school, he became intimate with these girls. These three became pregnant. This one had a baby. That baby would grow up to be...
Steve: Steve Holt!

Buster: I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn't bother you, and I left a tape recording of my snoring so you wouldn't know I was gone.

Lindsay: It's fine for you to say "Don't sell," but I'm going to be 40 in three years, you know?
Michael: You know, being twins, our birthdays are pretty close to one another.
Lindsay: Yeah, but a 40-year-old woman has as much a chance of getting married as does of getting attacked by a shark.
Buster: [Shrieks] Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to say "seal."
Lindsay: Or a seal.
Buster: Oh, God!

Michael: There's a big bowl of candy in my office, why don't you go eat it?
[Lucille enters and while the door is closing]
Wayne: Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is *no* candy in this office.

Gob: [stuck under a coffin] Something's gone wrong.
[he gets buried alive to applause]

Mario: Boy, you get a lot of mail from that movie studio.
Mae: I write a lot of letters to movie stars.
Mario: You seem a little old for that.
Mae: Babysit me!

Tobias: All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, because I can't do it believably.

Lindsay: Mother, not all homosexuals are flamboyant... and... oh my god, I have the exact same blouse!
Lucille: I like it better on him.

[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.

George: You know, I have a job.
Tobias: [coughing] Kiss ass... well we were all thinking it.
Buster: Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do...
Jessie: Excellent question, what a publicist does is...
Buster: No, no, no I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job?
George: At the banana stand.
Buster: Oh! Duh! I thought you meant like a plumber or something and I was like 'when did that happen?'

Michael: [to George Michael] I want you to take the rest of the day off. Here's 20 bucks, buy something you don't need, be a kid, make mistakes, get in trouble.
Buster: Yes, make a mistake. Take 225 from me.

Gob: I did it! I sunk the yacht!
Michael: You what?
Gob: I sunk it!
Michael: You sunk a $700,000 yacht?
Gob: With $900,000 of insurance on it. Besides I disposed of all the evidence.

[Oscar climbs into the cage and is rendered unconscious when the hatch hits him in the head]
Narrator: It wasn't the first time Oscar had been knocked out by a heavy lid.

Gob: I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.
Michael: You were going to South America?
Gob: I don't think so.

Tobias: [to Lindsay] Okay, forget about Vegas. We'll stay here and get back together. Or stay together and either rekindle or fan this fire.

[upon seeing GOB's banana stand 'mascots']
George: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Gob: [fixes a drink while waiting for an intervention with Lucille]
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something...
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us?... do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: [thirty minutes later] And although the intervention didn't work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
Gob: You're a mesh.
Narrator: ...it turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Michael: Fine, we'll have a party
Mae: For Gangey?
Michael: Yeah, how'd you know?
George: She called and invited us.
Lindsay: [to Michael] Okay, maybe it was her idea.
Mae: We don't have to come, do we?
Michael: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.

Lucille: Hello? The caterers didn't show up. I used the club. They said we owe them too much money. I guess all those lunches... I've got 50 people coming in three hours and nothing to feed them. No one to serve it. We have to make a good impression or we're finished.
Narrator: Now that's a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Tell your friends.

Lindsay: Hi, mom! Good news, I have the entire afternoon free.
Lucille: Oh really? Did "nothing" cancel?

Michael: Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You're going to get some hop-ons.

Michael: [Michael and George Michael are watching the banana stand burn to the ground] This is going to be our best summer ever.
[Gob scoots up]
Michael: You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?
[Gob scoots off, Michael chases after him]

Gob: Well, we did have sex. And I'm not a great liar.
Narrator: Both things he just said were lies.

Michael: You don't want to end up like Uncle Oscar, okay- living off handouts your whole life. Why don't you come up with a way to make money? A suggestion of something to invest in, or maybe a business idea.
Tobias: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.

Tobias: I'm afraid that I just blue myself.
Michael: There really has got to be a better way to say that.

Michael: I don't like her.
Lindsay: You know, maybe if you stop judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just gonna drive him right to her.
George: [entering] Hey, Dad. Can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael: Nnnn... yyes.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets an insight into fear.
Tobias: Let's discuss our new bunking situation.
White: You're going to be sleeping under me for a while.
George Sr.: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

George: [discussing GOB's plans to make the yacht disappear] Yeah, but if the trick worked, wouldn't everyone see me just standing there?
Mae: Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement is.

[after Michael takes away a frozen Bluth banana from George]
Lucille: How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?
Michael: You've never been to a supermarket, have you?

[voice over]
Narrator: And Michael had been getting along with his sister, Lindsay. This was unwelcome news to Lucille, who feared that this unity may be used against her.

Sergeant: Bye.
Drew: Oh sorry, he's bi.
Sergeant: No, I'm going home for the day. I'm gay.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lucille finds a housekeeper she wont lose her son to.
Lucille: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Tobias: [as Mrs. Featherbottom, he and Buster are both crying] You should always keep from crying...

George: Gangy's having an anniversary party?
Michael: Seems that way.
George: Is Franklin gonna be there?
Gob: See that, Mike. Kids love Franklin.
George: I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann.

Buster: My army training is telling me that this is a hot mission.
Michael: Hot mission! We're on a hot mission!
Buster: Maybe we should call it "Operation: Hot Mother."
Michael: No, no, let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, Operation: Hot Mother was under way.

George: I guess there are just some things you can't talk to your dad about, like... were you ever confused about women?
Gob: ...You mean, if there were three of us, and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty good...

Buster: [Lucille has just had a face lift] The doctor said, "No kissing her on the face for one week." I was like, "Make it two weeks, see if I care!"

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias finally gets a call from the Blue Man Group with a life-changing opportunity. But he cant hear, and his life stays the same.

Narrator: [after Tobias's gym buddy reveals he is a government agent] He said "CIA", a government agency responsible for this catstrophe
[shows a "Bay Of Pigs" map]
Narrator: . But what Tobias thought the man said was "CAA", a talent agency responsible for this catastrophe.
[shows the poster for "Love, Indubitably"]

Lucille: Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Buster: Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong. But my real name is Hello.
Buster: Hello?
Annyong: Annyong.

George: [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay: She's interesting... and pretty?
George: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George: You're my aunt.
Lindsay: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George: Yikes.

Lindsay: You do realize that's Tobias, right?
Lucille: If he's going to get in my closet, he's got to work for it.

[repeated line after Buster gets a prosthetic hook]
Buster: I'm a monster.

[after George, Sr. escapes from under the model house]
George: Good news! Dad wasn't crushed to death.
Michael: There was a risk of that?

Narrator: George Michael didn't just get to first base with Maeby, he dove in head first. Like Pete Rose.

Buster: I didn't even know we were calling him big bear.
Gob: We never had a chance to!

George: Hey dad.
Michael: Hey buddy.
George: Was that Gangy who was just -
[slips on Lucille's spilled drink and falls]
Michael: You all right? Sorry. Your grandmother had a little accident here.
George: Oh. Does that means she's gonna have to come live with us?

Tobias: I'm alright, gang. What an adventure gang. I thought that the homosexuals were pirates, but it turns out most of them were actors in the local theater. You're right, though. It is amazing, I've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me... And I think it has...
Lindsay: You're gay?
Tobias: No. No... Ha, I'm not gay. How many times must we have this conversation?

[discussing Gob's bachelor party]
Gob: Dad, you are gonna love this woman.
George Sr.: Well, I'm paying her enough, but she's a hell of a stripper.
Gob: No, I meant my wife.
George Sr.: Oh. No, I doubt that very much.

[Lucille is trying to convince Michael to take Buster off her hands]
Michael: Okay, he can hang out, but he's going to work. This is not going to be a day at the beach.
[the camera pans out to show that Buster's wearing beach clothes]

Gob: Give me a Gob!
George: Gob!
Gob: No, I didn't mean for you to yell my name at me. It's what I call a double-dipped banana with everything on it.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George-Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.
George: Where's Maebe?
Tobias: She's in the next cell. Looks like we're going to be spending the night, cos!
[a giant green X appears on George-Michael]

Lucille: You know I always get this way around Motherboy.
Michael: Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?
Lucille: Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesnt want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.
Michael: Buster for the first time ever, doesnt want to do this?
Narrator: [voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.
Lucille: [Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.
Buster: If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster and GOB find themselves closer than ever.
The: Good news, we've removed the hook and there's been no damage.
Gob: [as Buster gets up and leaves] Oh thank god!
The: Unfortunately, you've still got a hook in your ass.

Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

Michael: Listen, you know I didn't set you up, okay? And I really think the only reason you and I ever fight is that since we were little kids, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.

Captain: How are you?
Gob: Incredible. I'm having an incredible year.
[High Fives the Captain]

Lucille: Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.

[Buster gets a hook to replace the hand he lost]
Buster: Hey, Uncle.
[Buster gives Oscar a shoulder rub and repeatedly jabs him with the hook]
Oscar: Ow! Ah! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You've got my tendon caught on your claw!
Buster: My claw?
[Buster stares at his hook in sheer terror as Psycho-type music plays]
Buster: I'm a MONSTER!

[repeated line]
Gob: I've made a huge mistake.

Michael: You seem more villainous than usual, Mom; are you sober?
Lucille: Michael, it's eight a.m.
Michael: So, it's not that.
Lucille: I don't know. Maybe it's because I went off my post-partum medication.
Michael: You were still taking that? You had Buster thirty-two years ago.
Lucille: And that's how long I've been depressed about him.
Lucille: Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That's what this very handsome young doctor said on the Today Show.
Michael: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

George Sr.: You didn't hear, we lost Andy.
Michael: What? What are you talking about? He didn't like his trailer?
Lindsay: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: [the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck] No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can't emphasize that enough.

[Gob is buying a dove at the pet store]
Clerk: Don't you want a cage for that?
George: [sticking the dove in his jacket] Please! I'm a professional.
[the dove can be heard cooing as Gob walks to the door. He walks into the door and the dove stops cooing]
George: [looking into his jacket] What's your return policy, by the way?

Michael: [after the PTA meeting] Right and wrong. How can one thing be right and the other be wrong? I guess that's the
[growl]
Michael: of it.
Beth: [in high spirits] Yeah. They just kinda threw this class at me after Mr. Daniel's had a stroke.
Michael: [laughs] I had him! That's someth... Well, how is he?
Beth: Oh, well, he... had a stroke.
Michael: Oh, I thought you were kidding.
Beth: No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing.
Michael: Oh.
[beat]
Michael: [growl]
[they both laugh]
Michael: Let me ask you an ethical question. Is it ethical to ask a teacher out for a drink?
Beth: I don't know. Is there a wife?
Michael: Yeah, but she's dead.
Beth: [laughing over the "joke"] Have you ever married?
Michael: Yeah. She died.
Beth: Oh, I'm sorry. Why are we laughing?
Michael: I don't know. It's... Mr. Daniel's stroke all over again.
[nervous laughing]
Michael: Let's go get that drink.
Beth: Yeah.
Michael: [growl]

Jessie: [to George Michael] Daddy lost his shot at happy, and it's all your fault, Opie.
Narrator: Jessie had gone too far, and she had best watch her mouth.

Tobias: Gob, I would like to be in your trick and there's someone I'd like to put in a plug for. Or... should I say 4,000 plugs?
Gob: [Tobias removes his cap and his hair plugs are bleeding] Oh god...
Lupe: Mister gay is bleeding! Mister gay!

Lindsay: And I'm gonna go see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts.
Lindsay: I was trying to be sexy. It just got away from me.

Michael: It's hard to believe that it's really come down to begging.
Narrator: Please tell your friends about this show.

Michael: [as Michael is giving the lecture, Buster's drum playing gets louder] But starting tomorrow there is going to be a new boss in town. You are all going to feel the effects as... BUSTER!
[Buster stops playing]
Michael: You cant do that on the balcony, buddy?

Michael: And you finished off the whole bottle?
Lindsay: I had to, it's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened.
Michael: I think that's another of mom's fibs, like "I'll sacrifice anything for my children".

Michael: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time.
Michael: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.

Lucille: I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael: You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille: Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."

Narrator: And that's when the family realized that George Sr. wasn't dead, but was fleeing the country that he loved so very much.

Narrator: Soon, George Michael went to Ann's to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924.

Michael: Can't a guy call his mother pretty without making it seem strange?
Buster: Yeah, and how about that little tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret.

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.

Michael: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time!
Michael: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.

Gob: I'm in charge now. I speak for this family. I mean... I could if you wanted me to. I'd rather not, obviously. Don't know what I'd say. Why do I have to be the one? I don't need this. Why does this have to become my problem? No, I'm out. Forget it. Find somebody else. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of doing everything for this family

Gob: Well... sounds like someone who you thinks name is "Tio" is about to get his ass kicked.

Michael: [reading his birth certificate] "Nichael Bluth"? Oh my god, am I "N. Bluth"? Is he setting me up? If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison!
Narrator: Nichael was worried.

Gob: Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?

Tobias: So Ann, the question is, do you want a man or a boy? I know how I would answer.

George: Uncle Gob? Uncle Gob?
Gob: Give me a dollar, no! the twenty. This is gonna blow your mind. Some say wealth is an illusion, well let's just see. For one moment it's here and the next... Monopoly. You don't have it do you?
George: I think I might.
Gob: Thats good cause alot of the pieces are missing. Ah, to play monopoly with my family again. I'd give anything to be eight.
George: I'm thirteen.
Gob: Nah, I wasn't crazy about thirteen. The acne, the self-consciousness, the erections. You okay?
George: Yeah, I'm good
Gob: Hey! there's the man I came to see.
George: Uh, Uncle Gob where's the twenty?
Gob: Hey! a magician never reveals his secrets, that's what I started the whole alliance about.
George: I don't need the secret I just need the...
Gob: What you need to know...
[dramatic pause]
Gob: Is that it's magic.
George: Wow... It's so much like stealing.

George: Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George: She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George: [pause]
[to Michael]
George: Are you ok?
Michael: I don't feel so good.

Tobias: Michael, you really are quite the cupid. You can zink your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Gob: Well, I'm not waiting on my brother. I pass.
[Gob notices Sitwell's face]
Gob: You look surprised.
Stan: [adjusting a fake eyebrow] I'm sorry, I must've put it on too high.

Lucille: Here's some money, go see a Star War.

Lucille: [about Gene Parmesan] Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me but he never did find anything.
Michael: He can't be very good then, can he?
Lucille: He's the best.
Narrator: Gene was far from the best.

Michael: I'm looking for a man who's probably in the seedy underbelly of Reno.
Cab: Oh, the Christian League had The Seedy Underbelly shut down. Now it's a Swallows.
Narrator: Swallows was a family-style restaurant by day and an anything-goes, pan-sexual bazaar by night.

Lindsay: Can't you come over and dustbuster or something?
Lupe: I no does Buster anymore!

[while George-Michael and Maeby are going through files at the patent office, Maeby sticks her gum to the cabinet]
George: What are you doing? They're going to know we were here!
Mae: They already know that. Our fingerprints are all over the room.
George: You said they wouldn't check for fingerprints!
Mae: I said don't wear your mittens. They look ridiculous on the security camera.
George: THERE'S A SECURITY CAMERA?

Michael: So this is the magic trick, huh?
George: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money...
[sees children watching his magic]
George: ...or cocaine!

Gob: [after learning that George Sr. has been placed under house arrest] It wont be too long until dad strangles himself with his belt.
Michael: No, it turns out that they're into that.

Lindsay: [reading the article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that!
Michael: Save your money.
Lindsay: You're right, I'll do it myself.
Michael: We're through. I don't want my son reading any more articles in the paper about us.
Jessie: Oh your son, stop using him as an excuse for everything you do. I told him that he was getting in the way of your happiness.
Michael: You said that to my son? You're on your own. Ladies...
[a riot breaks out in the restaurant]

Lucille: I have a plan to stave off intruders.
Michael: What's that?
Lucille: [holds up an air horn and a fire poker] First I blow him then I poke him.
Michael: [stunned] Guy doesn't know what he's in for.

Michael: What's a Surrogate doing here?
Larry: We're meeting with the lawyers.
George Sr.: So I hired this guy to be my eyes and ears.
Michael: You know, dad, this guy costs us a fortune.
Larry: He's worth every penny.
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't say that.

Michael: You know, I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias: Ah, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: OK, that's the last one.

Michael: [in a meeting, Buster is making lots of noise building a bike] We're here, and we're focused, and...
[interrupts]
Michael: BUSTER! You cant do that in the snack room, pal?
Buster: Mom told me to stay away from microwaves.

Gob: First place chick is hot but has an attitude: doesn't "date" magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl... or a geologist.

Lucille: Michael's right, and I for one will not go back to wondering whether there's going to be enough food on the table.
Michael: [Table creaks] Might want to start worrying about the table.

Michael: [after watching Rita walk across the pool] Is that your trick, GOB?
George: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development...
George: It's my illusion!
Narrator: Michael relives a wedding nightmare.

Steve: [after GOB opens a new frozen banana stand] We don't even really know the recipe.
George: There's no recipe. You just freeze a banana and stick it in the...
Michael: [quickly interrupting] Don't tell them!
Steve: Stick it in the what? Stick it in the what?!

Michael: Yeah, well, where is George Michael, by the way?
Gob: He came by the yacht, gave me this shiner.
Michael: He hit you? What for?
Gob: You know teenagers. Probably lashing out at you because of who I'm dating.
Michael: Who are you dating?
Gob: Ann.
Michael: Her?
Gob: Don't worry. I didn't fight back or anything. I was like, "Oh, no, take the yacht. Please don't hurt me." You know, just build up the little guy's self-esteem.

Michael: Well, it's not like you made a commitment to her or anything.
Buster: No, not a commitment... but I did refer to it as "our nausea, " but that was when we were going at it pretty hot and heavy.
Michael: Well, now it's my nausea.

The: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's nothing more that I can do.
[everyone gasps]
Michael: Let him keep talking.
The: Because Dr. Stein has been assigned to your case.

Rita: Oh, Trevor, I want to have sexual relations! I've seen your dirty magazines!
[shows cover of dirty magazine]
Trevor: Oh now, for your information, that was a cricket magazine!
[shows cover of cricket magazine next to dirty magazine]

Michael: Well, you do it your way, GOB, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Well, not too much fun. I gave my big sexual harassment speech earlier today.
Gob: [earlier that day] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my *bleep* . And I'll personally *really long bleep* .

[Barry has a hooker with him during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"]
Michael: I didn't know you had a daughter.
Barry: I don't.
Charlotte: I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy.
Barry: Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?

Michael: We cannot afford to lose each other.
Gob: I can't. I already lost a brother today.
Michael: Franklin?
Gob: Well, I didn't lose him, but he's all puckered and white.
Michael: On the plus side, you can take him to lunch at the club now.
Gob: [crying] That's the kind of joke he would have loved.

Kitty: Say goodbye, Tobias! And say goodbye to these!
[she flashes Tobias]
Tobias: Hey, those are blue, too!

George: You said I was hogging her. Like I was being a litlle Ann hog. Can she come with us?
Michael: Ann Hog's coming?

Lucille: [flashback] Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops. What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.

Michael: I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.

Tobias: Check 2,3. Let Lily lick Lionels' lusty leathers.

Michael: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
Michael: I said "cot".

[Last lines]
Ron: I don't see it as a series. Maybe a movie.

Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...

Michael: [after strippers dressed as cops have taken off their uniforms] You knew all along, didn't you?
George: Sorta. One of the hot cops was my choir teacher.

Lindsay: [about the Ten Commandments] I don't know... give 'em to a school.
Michael: I don't want anymore of my family members having run-in's with the law. The Ten Commandments stay.
George: So now you loooove the Ten Commandments.

George: Way to plant, Ann.
Michael: George-Michael, why don't you take Plant and wait in the car?

Michael: [looking at the gift basket he received] You got one of these too, didn't you? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias: Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Narrator: As it turns out, she HAD gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the "drowsy eye" alcohol warning for a "winking eye" alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I'll call for a car.
Narrator: [the car is crashed into the wall of the parking garage] Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.

Lucille: I'm having a problem with Buster.
Michael: Oh, we can just flip the mattress over and pretend like it never happened.

Narrator: [about the Motherboy dance] Motherboy was also the name of a heavy metal band that used to rock pretty hard during the '70s. We are legally obligated to make this distinction.

Narrator: GOB had never made eye contact with his customer, that is, until this happened.
Lucille: I'll have the lobster tail.
George: And then maybe you could save a little tail for me.
[GOB realizes it's Lucille]
George: Oh COME ON!
Lucille: Ahhhhhhh!

George: Yeah, I'm gonna need a leather jacket for when I'm on my hog and need to go into a controlled slide.

Gob: I'm the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl, in a little dress, little saddle shoes, little pigtails.
Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

Tobias: [auditioning] Hello, my name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I graduated with honors from Boston College and I did my post-graduate in psycho-linguistics at MIT. And this is "You're A Bad, Bad, Man" from "Annie Get Your Gun."

Lucille: Buster, what happened to your head?
Buster: Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer

Lucille: I am going to my spin class.
Gob: I thought you had vertigo.

George: I just came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team.
Michael: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[GOB is running behind one of the female players, slapping her on the behind]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[One of the female players falls down and GOB lays on top of her]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[GOB pours water over the female players]
Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Michael: Go ahead and tell Gob that I'll be telling the cops that it was him in the truck, so he'll be joining me here. I have a nice, hard cot with this name on it.
Lucille: You'd do that to your own brother?
Michael: I said "cot."

George: Are those police boats?

Michael: Well, maybe an intervention is the wrong approach. What about rehab? She was just a mess at the meeting. Where were you, by the way? I could've used your help with mom.
Gob: I believe I told you I was going to be off for the holidays. It's Spring Break.

Michael: We're gonna go on a fishing trip.
George: Why? What did I do?

[repeated line]
Kitty: It's the last time you'll see these.
[flashes Michael]

Michael: I'm sure Egg is a great person.
George: It's... it's Ann.

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship, where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Michael: Lindsay, you have to cut back on everything, okay? I'm even selling the corporate jet.
Lindsay: Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor Magazine?
Michael: Look, I'm trying to get developments started, all right? I've got six guys on bulldozers waiting to get underway.
Lindsay: Bulldozing?
Michael: Yup.
Lindsay: Well, what about the trees?
Michael: Oh, we're just gonna cover them with blankets. I'm ripping them out.
Lindsay: Anything for a buck, right? You are so materialistic.
Michael: Don't suddenly turn this into one of your causes.
Lindsay: It's not suddenly, Michael. I've always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?
Michael: I'll never forget your wedding.
Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.
Michael: You're wearing ostrich skin boots.
Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.

Tobias: I'm going to take a stab at something and say that you hate White Power Bill.
White: I hate you!
Tobias: You HATE White Power Bill.
White: I hate the government!
Tobias: You HATE White Power Bill.
White: I hate my father!
[thinks about it for a second]
White: I hate White Power Bill.
[he jumps off the railing and dies]
Prisoner: You killed him! Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead! All hail Dorothy!

Michael: [after finding out that the prison warden plans to sleep with Lucille] Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: ME!
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.

Michael: I think it's getting too risky keeping you up here.
George Bluth Sr.: You know what's risky? Lettin' your son go on that church thing.
Michael: Her name's Ann, Dad, and he's not "going" on her, okay?
Michael: They're just friends.
George Bluth Sr.: Not for long.

Gob: My God. What is this feeling?
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're, that you're feeling, it's just what many of us call a feeling.
Gob: It's not like envy. Or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael.

Lindsay: This pig Phillip Litt is out there asking girls to take their tops off. It's an outrage.
Gob: Well, of course you feel that way. You're jealous. You're a surfboard.

[repeated line]
Michael: [in reference to Ann] Her?

Michael: I'm sure Egg is a great person.
George: It's... it's Ann.

Michael: Are you Andy?
Donnie: No, I'm Emmitt.
Narrator: Michael was concerned. I mean think about it, we can't show Emmitt's face without blurring it.

Lucille: Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
Michael: Yeah. Mom, I just spoke to Social Services and, although they don't like to do this, if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child - and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word - they will take him back.

Michael: Oh, and I'm sure you know better than anyone, Lindsay. No borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...

Gob: Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
Spanish: Como?
Gob: Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

Tobias: [while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.

father: It's come down to the two of ya, and... I'll be honest. I'm just more comfortable with an Alliance-approved magician.
Gob: [sulks] Well... give 'em a helluva show, champ!
teenage: [bleep] off, traitor.

Buster: [describing Lucille 2 as he saw her without his glasses] I know she's a brownish area... with points.

White: I got worse plans for you if you keep trying to convert my team.
George Sr.: Okay, hold on. Hold it now, hold it. Now I'm doing no such thing and both of our religions have a lot to offer. There's the Jewish notion of heaven, and that it can be obtained here on earth, and there is your belief in the cleansing power of the pipe.
White: No more teaching from you!
George Sr.: No teaching! No teaching!

Michael: A date? But we had plans to... A date with who?
Maeby: Some girl. I mean, she barely has a face. You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias.
Dave: [Lindsay accidentally wanders into Dave Attell's dressing room] Wow, the service sent you over quick.
[he quickly disrobes]
Narrator: But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: You don't cry when you take those off?

Lindsay: [Tobias was run over by a car] How is he?
The: It looks like he's dead.
[everyone gasps in shock]
Michael: Wait, is he really dead or does it look like he's dead?
The: It looks like he's dead. He's covered in blue paint or something.
[everyone starts shouting and throwing things at him]

Carl: We're just two adults getting a stew on, man.
Buster: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.

Lucille: [about Buster dating Lucille Austero] I mean, she's been a family friend for years. It's just... creepy!
Michael: Hey, buddy.
Byron: Hey.
Michael: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby.
Michael: OK, that's, that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Byron: _That's_ why she didn't look surprised.

Michael: [to GOB] I keep saying "What's more important than family"?
Lucille: MICHAEL!
Michael: It's mom, hide!

Gob: [while on Spanish-language television] I, too, have an announcement to make. To prove my worthiness into the Alliance, I will incarcerate myself in the same prison that holds my own father, only to escape 24 hours later! No shackles can hold these hands!
[to Marta]
Gob: Say that to them in Spanish.

Narrator: Michael was upset to learn that a housing order his family was counting on was cut back.
Michael: [on the phone] But that does not give us enough capital to complete the job! We even had the blueprints drawn up and everything!
Narrator: Well... that part was not true, but they would have!

Michael: Lindsay, how's this for an anniversary cake?
Lucille: Anniversary? You asked me to throw a Valentine's Day party.
Michael: Did I?
Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Trick makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Lucille: Touché. Lupe, untie the balloons!

George Bluth Sr.: [via satellite from prison, his teachings have started a riot] Hanukkah can be spelled so many ways, oh GOD!

[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.

George: It will just escalate like this back and fourth all day.
Narrator: And it did just that. But the footage it produced was less compelling than you might think, and was not funny no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine" but who could afford it?

Michael: My son expresses himself just fine. Isn't that right, son?
George: What? Yeah Thanks. Fine I guess. Whatever, I don't care, just stop!

Bob: If he can't reach, the trial's a breach.
Barry: That's what we call a Lob Bomb.

Buster: Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill: There's no time for that! We're shipping out without you! Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards!
Drill: I did not say that!
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo!
Drill: Go get 'em!
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

Nellie: [Michael finishes a long-winded boring, story] Wow, what a great story.
Narrator: It wasn't great. Nellie was just a good listener. All prostitutes are.

Michael: Maybe it's time you went out there and got yourself a girl... PET!
Buster: How about a turtle? I love those leathery little snappy faces.
Michael: You certainly have a type.

Lucille: I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.
Michael: Mom, god's not going to answer a call from you.
Gob: I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.
Michael: OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

Michael: So you still haven't put this stuff back yet? You've got to be the laziest person in the world.
Lindsay: If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.