The Best Joanna Loudon Quotes

[Joanne clearing dishes at tables in Kirk's diner for inmates in transit to prison]
Prisoner: That was a delicious meal, ma'am.
Joanna: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
Prisoner: If my mother could have cooked like you, I never would have killed her.
[Joanne slowly backs away from the table]

Joanna: What's going on?
Kirk: Would you please do me a favor and tell George that he looks like a boob?
George: Quit calling me that.
Joanna: What is going on?
George: [to Joanna] Is there anything wrong with what I'm wearing?
Kirk: No, not if you're 4. But if you're a grown man, it's pathetic.
Joanna: I was talking to Joanna. Kirk's upset because I'm wearing my new turtleneck.
Kirk: I'm upset because you're wearing it with your overalls. Any fool knows that it goes with the brown chords.
George: Well, if you know that, then you must be the fool.
Joanna: Kirk, he's just wearing it around the house.
Kirk: No, he's not. He came over to the cafe this way and announced in front of the whole room, "Look at the clothes Kirk picked out for me." It was humiliating. I thought the person that was there was going to leave.
George: I like my new turtleneck and I like it with my overalls.
Kirk: Okay. If you know so much about clothes, what are you going to wear with the brown chords?
George: The blue plaid shirt?
Kirk: Oh, p-yuke!
Joanna: Kirk, I'm making a salad.
Kirk: Would you just stop making such a big deal about this and go change?
George: No.
Kirk: Then I never want to see you again.
George: Well, it's too bad because I'm coming over to your cafe for dinner tonight and I'm wearing this.
Kirk: Yeah? I'm not serving you.
George: Well, I'm staying anyway.
Kirk: Yeah? You can sit there until you ROT!

Professor: Hello?
Joanna: Hello, everyone. I'm Joanna Loudon and this is my husband Dick.
Professor: I'm Professor Edward Bellows. And this is Nancy, Amy, Reese and Kendra.
Joanna: Well, nice to meet all of you. Please, everyone, help yourselves to refreshments.
Professor: Oh, thank you.
Dick: It may just be a hunch, but I think by the end of the evening, you and Kendra...
[signals with his hands that they'll be friends as he walks into his office]
Professor: Your husband won't be joining us?
Joanna: Well, he has friends. I mean, he's got work to do.
Professor: Well, shall we get started? Amy, why don't you bring us up to date on our last meeting?
Amy: The meeting convened at 8 PM. The first order of business was to choose a date for our annual society dance, November 3rd. Is that alright with you, Joanna?
Joanna: Fine.
Amy: At 8:15, Reese read the treasurer's report, but then he thought he heard his wife calling him. So he went into the woods, turned into a raven and flew home.
Joanna: You turned into a raven?
Reese: It's the easiest one.
Professor: Thank you, Amy. And now I suppose the next order of business today should be to welcome Joanna Loudon
[applause]
Professor: and to initiate her into our little circle.
Joanna: [as they put a black veil on her] What's going on?
Amy: It's just our initiation ceremony, Joanna. I mean, if you want to be a witch, you have to marry the devil, right?
Joanna: What? Agh!
Professor: What's the matter? You don't like weddings?
Joanna: Who are you people?
Professor: The Elm Street Society.
Joanna: I mean, what are you?
Professor: Oh, a satanic cult. Everybody knows that.
Joanna: I didn't.
Professor: Really? Amy, I told you that newspaper ad wasn't clear.
Amy: Don't blame me. I laid all three versions of that ad on a bed of nightshade, and the sacred toad hopped right onto that one.
Professor: Oh, well then, Joanna must have misread it. Alright, Joanna. Now you'll relax once I anoint you with these bat livers.
Joanna: Dick!
Dick: [coming out of his office] What's going on?
Joanna: These people are witches.
Professor: Gee, Joanna. You say that like it's a dirty word.
Joanna: Out. Everybody, out. You too, out.
Professor: Joanna, give us a chance. You know, we're not so different than other people. We even have a credit union.
Joanna: Out!

Michael: Oh, Cupcake, our photo session is this Friday at six.
Stephanie: Perfect! Early evening is one of my five best times of day.
Joanna: Didn't you two get your pictures taken *last* month?
Stephanie: Joanna, you'd get your picture taken a lot, too, if you looked like this.

Joanna: Have some coffee, Dick.
Dick: I don't deserve coffee.
George: You deserve this.

George: Say, Joanna, this really looks good. Did I ever tell you that one of my favorite meals is pork chops?
Joanna: Yes, you did, George, and that's why I made them.
George: Aww. My mother used to make the best pork chops. She bought 'em at this little store in town. It's not there anymore.
Joanna: Well, these came from John Mason down the road. You know, he finally slaughtered that big pig of his, so these oughta to be really fresh.
George: [aghast] They slaughtered Phil?
Dick: You um, you knew the pig?
George: I've known Phil for years. I used to feed him kernels of corn every time I went by there.
Dick: Well, dig in.
George: I can't eat this.
Dick: What - what are you talking about?
George: Phil was like a friend. I don't feel right eating him.
Dick: George, the only reason that pigs exist is for people to eat them.
George: Well, I'm not eating this one.
Joanna: And now that you're talking about it, I don't think I can either.
Dick: Now I can't eat 'em.

Dick: Ick.
Joanna: And what would you say if you weren't a college graduate?

Joanna: You have a way with gibberish, you know that?

Dick: Joanna?
Joanna: What, Dick?
Dick: Could I talk to you for a minute?
Joanna: [to the senator's wife] Excuse me.
[walks over to Dick]
Joanna: What?
Dick: What are you doing?
Joanna: I'm just expressing a little compassion for a fellow human being, that's all.
Dick: Well, stop it!