100 Best Joel Hammond Quotes

Joel: On the other hand, if we saw a plane hurtling towards someone's house, wouldn't we warn the people inside?
Sheila: What if when we knock on their door, they threaten to make non-consensual love to our skulls?
Joel: If it's non-consensual, it wouldn't be love.
Sheila: Good point, sweetie.
Joel: It just seemed important to say.

Lisa: All I know is I got dumped. Where's your liquor?
Joel: At 11 a.m.?
Lisa: Why, does it move around during the day?

Joel: [cell phone vibrates] It's Gary.
Sheila: He's texting from the basement?
Joel: He's really mastered that Alexa and iPad.
Sheila: There's no better time in history to not have a body.

Sheila: I think we should do this.
Joel: Goddammit! But then this is it. We deliver the deed to his niece and then, light's out.
Sheila: Absolutely. See, you were wondering if we were bad people. But only good people would do a favor for the severed head of their victim.
Joel: I think at best we're in a moral gray area.

Joel: So, who are you planning on eating, Loki? Because you are killing people, right? It's not all just singin' and dancin'.
Loki: I made a deal with my old gang. They let me go, and if they need to get rid of a body, they leave it in my van in the Magic Mountain parking lot. By the way, that's like the third sketchiest thing happening in that parking lot.

Abby: No loose ends. I learned that from you. Mostly from your mistakes.
Joel: Yes, we're not good at murder. I happen to believe that's a positive quality.

Sheila: Come on, these guys are Nazis, we still have the moral high ground.
Joel: What if one of the Nazis is in a wheelchair?
Sheila: God, I hope that's an oddly-timed philosophical question.

Sheila: Don't worry, I have a plan. I'm just gonna act like old Sheila, who's demure and chipper and never had an orgasm while eating a man's liver. Judging by your look, I haven't mentioned that before.
Joel: No, you have. I just never know what to say.

Anton: Whoa! Look at this guy. What is your deal? You work for the government? Does anyone here know this dude?
Eric: I do. He's cool. SpaceBaller 2000. I moderate the Zombie Town subreddit.
Anton: Well, if SpaceBaller 2000 vouches for him then I guess I can let my guard down.
[throws water bottle, which Joel catches while observers gasp]
Anton: Good reflexes. Bet you played a lot of ball before you sold out and joined Big Brother.
Joel: I'm not with the government. I just need your help.
Anton: Nice try blending in, you handsome thick-haired son of a bitch.
Eric: [sighs] I knew I should've bought you a hat.

Joel: I just think a lot of undead roaming the streets could lead to problems. For instance, farmers' markets selling actual farmers.

Joel: You can't eat our neighbor.
Sheila: He's knee deep in his herb garden - the man is seasoning himself.

Joel: What are you doing here?
Ramona: Looking for Mr. Ball Legs. Sheila texted me he was sick. So I drove down from Seattle.
Sheila: How'd you get in?
Ramona: The lock on your side door is broken... now. So where is he?
Sheila: I keep him in the closet under the stairs, because he freaks Joel out.
Joel: He's a mucous-covered peach pit with spindly legs. And I'm more of a cat person.

Joel: A lack of clarity is unforgivable. You know that the post office used to deliver twice a day? That's how much this country once valued communication.
Sheila: I don't think we need mail twice a day.
Joel: No. That's why they stopped.

Dan: Just wondering, what kind of spray are you using on those ants of yours?
Joel: What kind of ant spray?
Dan: You told me you were spraying ants in the middle of the night. Now, I wanna know, what kind of spray you were using.
Joel: I don't know... Ants Away... Ants-Be-Gone... Fuck You Ants...?

Joel: I just watched my wife do something, I've seen her do this thing before but, it's not something I ever get used to.
Gary: Joel, I saw your gal eat her way into my stomach. You don't have to be coy.
Joel: She ripped two dudes' throats out of their necks like they were Twizzlers.
Gary: Whoa... You can't unsee that.
Joel: Sheila gets this look in her eye. The next thing you know, she's yanking intestines out of these guys, like a magician pulling out scarves. The other day, I came home and my kitchen looked like someone shot a person out of a confetti gun. There was a dick in my fruit bowl. The next morning, I'm eatin' oatmeal at the same counter like my life is "Leave it, to fucking Beaver!"

Joel: Hello. I'm friends with your grandson... Principal Novak... and I have something in Serbian I need translated. He said you might be able to help me.
Mrs. Bakavic: I knows nothing about you.
Joel: But I know about you. And I brought you a reminder from home. Paczki!
Mrs. Bakavic: Paczki is Polish. It's for peasants. Leave outside for birds. Bring the box. I use the box.

Joel: So there's not a cure, and the partial cure might not even work because we're too late, and Sheila's not a rat. But the good news is I get to make an elderly woman throw up in a bucket, which might be a turn-on for some people, but it's not my thing. Yet! Who knows? The night is young!

[last lines]
Sheila: This makes me a little uncomfortable.
Joel: You did say you wanted to get more into religion.
Sheila: I know, but I didn't wanna start one.
Anne: How do I serve you?
Gary: Well, this just got fucking weird.

Joel: Sheila wants to bite me so we'll always be together.
Gary: Whoa. Do you want to be undead?
Joel: I want to be with her, but killing people and eating them? Like, even their butts and stuff?
Gary: Oh, but don't worry. When you're undead, butts will taste like... Well, they'll taste like butts but you'll be way into it.

Joel: I realize it's not their fault, but fucking Serbia! Other than tennis players, has anything good come out of that country?

Joel: What are we going to do? We can't kill that little fucker now. That life insurance policy is literally his life insurance policy.
Sheila: Well, at least we gave him the serum so he won't go feral.
Joel: Great. He'll have all his faculties when he leads his undead army as it eats its way through America.
Sheila: Maybe we should kidnap him. He can't turn anyone if he's in our basement.
Joel: I don't want him in our basement! I'm never going to get a ping-pong table down there!

Gary: Why do I have to move?
Joel: You'll be happier here. It's like having your own place!
Gary: Yeah, sure. Is that what you told the BowFlex?

[first lines]
Sheila: [laying in bed] Joel...
Joel: Shh. No words, my love.
Sheila: I'm sorry, babe, I'm just not really a "pound one out" kind of gal.
Joel: I know, and that's great. You like romance and lavender candles, and a massage with essential oils, and a wonderful meal but not too heavy.
Sheila: You're making fun of me. No. I'm only saying that sometimes, maybe even now, we might try...
Joel: Humping? Like that rescue dog did to that little girl at the Rite Aid?

Joel: What the fuckity-fuck is that?

Joel: So we just got called into the principal's office.
Abby: Why? What'd you do?

Joel: [extending hand] Hi, I'm Joel, Eric's friend.
Bordan: I'm thirsty.
[avoids eye contact and walks away]
Joel: What the hell was that?
Eric: These people aren't like you. You can't come on that strong.
Joel: "I'm Joel" is too strong?
Eric: Yes. With those piercing eyes and perfect posture, you're like that hundred-foot-tall Christ statue overlooking Rio.

Joel: I'm thinking about this for the design.
Sheila: Those are the bookshelves in the Nazi's house. You wanna build Nazi bookshelves?
Joel: The bookshelves weren't Nazis. If anything, those shelves were Nazi-occupied.

Anne: Mmm! Mmm! Nothing beats a juicy fresh tomato.
Lisa: Anne grows tomatoes in her garden.
Anne: I thought they would be too dry this year.
Sheila: Tomatoes. What can't they do?
Joel: Vote? Drive? I don't know.

Sheila: Maybe we need to change our perspective on this. Maybe Dan is working for us. And he's like our little truffle pig just leading us to tasty morsels.
[nibbling]
Joel: That may be the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said about Dan, but I'm sorry, honey, I'm just not doing it.

Joel: Are you dating Eric? That is so cute
Abby: Oh God! We're not dating.
Sheila: Or whatever you kids call it today. "Smashing."
Abby: Mom! Never be in public! It was a stupid misunderstanding. I can't believe Lisa's telling people.
Joel: So you're not dating?
Sheila: Or, "hooking?"
Abby: Oh, my God! Goodbye!

Joel: When I was at the asylum...
Abby: Don't say "asylum." It sounds like they sent you to the 19th century.
Joel: OK. When I was at the "time-out" resort...

Joel: Maybe we should just keep driving. Go home, get some clothes, and just never come back.
Sheila: Well, that's crazy. We can't just run away. Where would we go? And we have so much equity in our house.
Joel: Yeah, I didn't think about the equity. I'm a monster.

Abby: You wanted me to have a normal life? This is it. This is who I am now. I'm the fucking Queen of England.
Joel: OK, that's not the expression.

Joel: I have a question. In your notebook, it says you "must kill" tonight at 8:00? Who were you planning on killing, Loki?
Loki: Everyone.
Joel: Jesus!
Loki: With my music. I was actualizing what I wanted to happen in my performance. And it worked. A couple from Chatsworth bought my CD.
Sheila: That's wonderful! I want one.
Loki: [gives Sheila his CD]
Sheila: Oh! "Loki: So Alive." I love it.

Joel: So, we need to find this book.
Sheila: Well, do we even know the name of it?
Joel: It's some long Serbian name, which according to a message board, roughly translates to "Pozica: Never Fucking Go There."

Joel: So, listen, we need to gag you and tie your hands behind your back.
Ron: What?
Joel: I have an interview this morning with the Grand Prior of The Knights of Serbia and she can't know there's an undead person in our basement.
Sheila: Or she might slaughter us with her broadsword.
Joel: And while I always saw myself dying at home, it was peacefully in bed not slipping on my own guts trying to get to the phone.

Joel: I am not a murderer. OK, technically I am. Not even technically. Literally. But I refuse to be defined by the ONE time I murdered somebody!

Sheila: Were you aware that your building was recently purchased by Southern California's largest condominium developer?
Joel: Oh my God!
Loki: The fuck I care?
Joel: Great question. The fuck you care is that we've been tasked by that very developer to offer you a large cash settlement to forgo your current lease.
Sheila: Oh my God!
Joel: It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Loki.
Sheila: What do you think?
Joel: Can we crack the champagne?
Loki: My cousin in Queens had the same shit happen to her. She got so much cash, she don't even talk to our family no more. Yeah, I want that.

Joel: [Looking in wallet] Porsche guy was from Nevada. He owned a strip club and a waste management company.
Sheila: Well, nothing sketchy there. Any family photos?
Joel: I found pictures of a few women, but they were taken from inside a toilet, so probably not serious relationships.

Gary: Sure, Sheila's got a lot going on. Her life's always gonna be bigger than yours. It's like It's like being married to the Queen of England.
Joel: It's not exactly like that.
Gary: You got two ways of looking at it. Either it's, "My needs are always gonna come second" or "Jesus Christ, I'm fucking the Queen of England!"

Joel: [reading Loki's rap sheet] "Loki Hayes: Larceny, arson, homicide, homicide, homicide, homicide, impersonating a forest ranger." Look, this just goes on and on. Dan says he's gonna be at his apartment tonight after 11.
Sheila: Oh, I hate eating so late.
Joel: Yeah. There's a lot about this that isn't ideal.

Gary: I've been thinking about it, and I want to live to see Kayla turn her life around. I want to see Hailey grow up.
Joel: You're a talking head in a flower vase.
Gary: Still better looking than you, buddy!
Joel: Not in a swimsuit.
Sheila: Guys! How do you have so much testosterone without balls?
Gary: She asked you a question, Joel.

Sheila: I'm worried about you talking to Ed Thune without me. He's a colonel, and as you just demonstrated with Deputy Garcia, you're not good with authority. I think it's because you have a cold, dominating dad.
Joel: Can we please leave Father out of this?
Sheila: The way you froze with Anne? If you do that with Colonel Thune and he's gone feral, you're gonna end up wearing your intestines as a necklace.
Joel: Fine. I'll just stake the place out, see what I can learn. I promise I'll be the coward you want me to be.

Joel: Are you posting about Sheila? You put my whole family at risk!
Eric: I thought maybe someone might know something.
Joel: Really? Or are you just trying to win some nerd popularity contest?
Eric: Ooh, that hurts. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly because my dual-income household was just reduced to a single-income household.
Joel: I knew you weren't cool with me killing your stepdad!
Eric: I thought I was, but when a squid's under attack, he throws out ink!
Joel: You're not a squid. You're a boy, who smells like a baby!

Sheila: So I was thinking we could work somewhere else. There's an opening at Principal Residential.
Joel: Chris and Christa's company? The woman threatened to fuck us with a strap-on!
Sheila: Well, don't be sexist, Joel. If Elon Musk threatened to fuck us with a strap-on, you'd call it leadership.
Joel: I don't think I would.

Joel: There was a group of medieval men called the Knights of Serbia who were tasked with killing the undead.
Sheila: Of course they were all men.
Joel: Yes. If only we could go back in time and challenge that gender's hostility to anything different.

Dan: There is one thing I don't know. How could a pussy like you kill someone? I mean, I once saw you running after an ice cream truck.
Joel: What do you want, Dan?
Dan: I told you, I just wanna be friends.
Joel: Fine, we're friends. Let's get Slurpees and go to Magic Mountain.

Joel: What won't we do?
Sheila: I don't wear fur, and I won't eat people's buttholes.

Joel: We can be firm. Remember that time she wanted a guinea pig and we said no, and then we got it for her? Let's just do the first half of that.

Sheila: Oh, I miss food. Like, I'm seriously hungry.
Joel: We're gonna kill people, sweetheart. We're gonna kill people, so you can eat them.
Sheila: You don't have to do it with me, honey.
Joel: We've been Joel and Sheila since high school. I'm not gonna bail on you now. So who do we kill?

Joel: [dumping bag of items from shopping bag onto bed] I think we bought too much stuff.
Sheila: We've never killed a dead person before. I don't know how to shop for that.
Joel: You could start by staying out of the cosmetics aisle.
Sheila: I needed a brush.
Joel: Just once I'd like to come home from a store with only the stuff on our list.
Sheila: Oh, I don't remember a men's manicure kit being on our list.
Joel: Now I don't have to borrow yours. Look, the whole system broke down after you bought the brush. I just embraced the chaos.

Joel: I told you, you shouldn't be friends with a cop. It's too dangerous.
Sheila: Said by the man who was just wrapped in a warm embrace with a cop.
Joel: That's different. Anne is an intense and ambitious sheriff's deputy. Rick joined the Santa Monica Police so he could ride a horse on the beach.

Eric: Do you know how to fold a hoodie?
Joel: Yeah. The secret is to not give a shit, 'cause I have to save my wife. Let's go. And I hang mine in the closet.

Joel: We go through a lot of dish gloves.
Sheila: Yeah, well, we kill a lot of people. And sometimes do dishes.
Joel: I know. I just worry about our carbon footprint.
Sheila: We do our part. You know what happens every time we kill someone? They drive less.

Joel: It's kind of ironic: the more care you put into a murder, the harsher society judges you.

Joel: Principal Novak, wait!
Principal: Leave me alone.
Joel: Are you Serbian?
Principal: Leave me alone!
Joel: [grabs car door] I saw the flag in your window. It's Serbian. I saw it in my research.
Principal: Let go.
Joel: Do you speak Serbian?
Principal: You people are insane.
Joel: Do you speak Serbian?
Principal: No, but my grandmother does. You better let me go, because I live with her and if I'm not home by 8:00... Well, it's not a big deal, because I'm a grown man and I can do whatever I want. Still, I'm leaving.
Joel: [engine starts and tires screeching as Novak speeds away] I need to meet your grandmother!

Joel: Why is it so hard to find someone to kill? Every time I get coffee, there's some dipshit yelling at the barista.

Sheila: You know, I gotta say, sometimes your pot smoking bugs me.
Joel: Well, I don't like that you're gonna be killing and eating people, so we both have things that bug us. And by the way, they're legalizing my thing.

Joel: [to Dan's dismembered corpse] I'm sorry, dude. Jesus, I killed you and I'm saying, "Sorry, dude," like I just beat you at beer pong. I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning. I've been appreciating a lot of things these past 24 hours. Maybe 'cause I've realized you never know when your neighbor might kill you with a shovel. But I don't have to tell half of you that.

Sheila: What happened?
Joel: I killed Dan.
Sheila: I thought you were just going to talk to him.
Joel: Negotiations broke down, so I hit him in the head with a shovel.
Sheila: Oh, my God.
Joel: It just happened. He was threatening to send you to jail and saying mean things, and you kinda had to be there.

Sheila: How'd it go with you guys?
Joel: Mostly OK.
Eric: Joel touched me.
Sheila: Excuse me?
Eric: OK, I realize how that could be misinterpreted. I consented.
Joel: It's not getting better.
Eric: I mean we had a productive day and then a nice talk which was capped with a paternal side-hug.

Joel: God, we have so much going on. When does it end?
Sheila: We do have a lot of balls in the air.
Joel: How do jugglers do it? They keep five things going at once. And dangerous things chainsaws, knives. I once saw a juggler juggle a smaller juggler.
Sheila: How is that dangerous?
Joel: He was juggling the smaller guy against his will.

Joel: I made you a smoothie from the last of that Porsche guy.
Sheila: I thought I finished him?
Joel: Nope. I found a bag of his face behind the ice cream.

Sheila: You killed Janko and Radul.
Joel: And cleaned the house!

Joel: How was your night with the sex trafficker? A question I never thought I'd ask my wife.
Sheila: Awful. It turns out he wasn't a trafficker. He was Lisa's boyfriend. A nice pediatrician who gave me $200. I almost killed an innocent man. And even if I find a worthy charity to donate the money to, I'm still gonna get the tax write-off.

Joel: Dan found one of Gary's fingers in our backyard.
Sheila: Oh, my God.
Joel: He thinks you and Gary were having an affair, and I found out and killed him.
Sheila: So Dan assumes you killed Gary? That's sexist.
Joel: Yes, that's the big problem here, honey. Dan's devaluing the important contribution women make.
Sheila: I see the problem, sweetheart. It's just a little offensive.
Joel: We all agree he's a terrible misogynist. He's also a crooked cop who's blackmailing me to murder someone. So I don't know where to focus my anger.

Dan: Maybe you didn't hear, Rick, but Joel and I are best friends now. Right, Joel?
Joel: Yes. We are best friends now.
Rick: Thank God. This "will they, won't they" thing has been going on too long.

Joel: Chris and Christa are here.
Sheila: Great. Let's go save her life so she can die naturally one day in a tanning bed accident.

Sheila: I feel bad lying to her but I don't want Abby to know that her parents are going to be killing people.
Joel: Yeah, she thinks so little of us already.

Joel: Hello. I purchased a foot here two weeks ago.
Orderly: Yeah, sure, I remember. How'd that work out for you?
Joel: Excellent. Thank you. I'm looking for something very specific.
Orderly: I have a vagina I can sell you for 500. It's a little past its "best-use-by" date, but it'll get 'er done.
Joel: Dear God! Who comes here?
Orderly: Brace yourself: mostly men.
Joel: I need a fresh gallbladder, but it has to be from someone who's Serbian.
Orderly: God, what are you into? I love it. Come on in. Let's take a look around, you sick fuck.

Abby: Hey, if I ask you a boy question, will you promise not to be weird?
Joel: I promise.
Abby: There's this guy at school, Sven...
Joel: You can do better. OK, starting now.
Abby: He asked me out, so we're getting coffee today. Do I tell Eric, who likes me and may be really hurt? Or do I not tell him, which feels like I'm hiding it because Sven is hot and spent a summer in Greece playing guitar?
Joel: Well, let me ask you a question. Does Sven know your mother and I are constantly looking for people to kill?

Joel: Hello. I'm friends with your grandson... uh, Principal Novak... and I have something in Serbian I need translated. He said you might be able to help me.
Mrs. Bakavic: I know nothing about you.
Joel: But I know about you. And I brought you a reminder from home. Paczki!
Mrs. Bakavic: Paczki is Polish. It's for peasants. Leave outside for birds. Bring the box. I use the box.

Abby: Is Mom dying?
Joel: Stop it.
Abby: I don't know - parents die.

Abby: Did Mom die?
Eric: She's dead, and also undead.
Joel: A zombie?
Eric: I don't like that word, I think it's inherently negative.
Joel: I don't like it either.
Eric: Then let's not use it.

Joel: Who the hell did that?
Sheila: I don't know, but they're serious. No one casually owns a rocket launcher.
Sheila: Do you think it was those lackeys Ruby was talking about?
Joel: Maybe.
Sheila: Well if they knew about the clams, how long until they find out about us?
Joel: This seems like a conversation we could have while getting the fuck out of here!

Joel: No more doing things separately. From now on, we fuck everything up together.

Sheila: We'll head there after midnight and detonate Bob.
Abby: This is my fault. I feel like I should do it.
Joel: Uh-uh, young lady. You're still grounded from your first bombing.

Ron: When I was a kid, my parents also tried to keep me out of the family business. They owned a candy store.
Joel: This is not gonna line up at all.
Ron: Every day, I wanted to go there and help them but they would say, "No, Ron. Mr. Ruffin's Chocolate Factory and Amusement Emporium is no place for a child."
Joel: I was right.

Joel: I've been digging so many holes, I'm in the best shape of my life.

Ramona: But I want a Joel! And not just to hunt with. I want what you two have. I don't want to do this alone anymore.
Sheila: Oh, sweetie. Well, you can't just grab someone off the street and have what we have.
Ramona: Why not?
Sheila: Because Joel and I built a life together. We spent 20 years learning to care for each other. And lately, I've done nothing but bring chaos to his life. And does he complain? Often. But that's OK 'cause he's given up so much for me.
Joel: But when you love someone, that doesn't matter. Because it's not about what you give up, it's about what you get. And I don't complain that much.

Sheila: We have to kill him. It's our only way out.
Joel: I know.
Sheila: So why did we come upstairs?
Joel: To get our weapons.
Sheila: You mean the ones we weren't going to use so I put them back in the kitchen and the garage?
Joel: Yes, those!
Sheila: Don't you get upset with me. You're the one who bought me that Japanese tidying-up book.
Joel: I just wanted your shoes out of the hallway.

Joel: Come on, I need answers.
Eric: Whoa, Jack Bauer, dial it down. Less
[in gruff voice]
Eric: "I need answers" and more...
[stammering in normal voice]
Eric: "Excuse me, hi, I'm so sorry. Um, I have a question."
Joel: Yeah.

Joel: Okay, we say we came across this murder site and we're just cleaning it up.
Sheila: Who cleans up murder sites?
Joel: I don't know. We're Mormons.
Sheila: Mormons don't clean up murder sites.
Joel: Mormons are helpful.

Joel: Tommy bravely served our country and we all owe him a debt of gratitude.
Sheila: That's right. He was in Operation Desert Thunder!
Joel: Storm.
Sheila: He was in Operation Desert Thunderstorm!
Joel: Drop the Thunder.
Sheila: Operation Drop the Thunder!
Joel: Desert Storm. Operation Desert Thunderstorm. Goddamnit!

Joel: [to orderly in morgue] I'm just gonna give you $100, and that's just for opening the door. We need a body.
Orderly: You gonna fuck it?
Joel: [shocked] Yes, we're gonna fuck it.
Sheila: All night long.
Joel: So what would that cost? We'd want to take it with us, of course, because we're shy.
Orderly: Well, you know, it's gonna cost extra 'cause there's two of you.
Joel: That seems arbitrary. If you're renting a car, you don't pay per person.
Orderly: You do if both people are fucking it.
Sheila: Just tell us how much.
Orderly: Five grand. Cash.
Joel: Five grand. Jesus!
Orderly: You got an expensive hobby, lover boy.

Anne: Why are you crying, Joel?
Sheila: Joel really looks up to Dan. Dan's sort of like a father figure to him. And now that he's missing, it's brought up a lot of abandonment issues.
Anne: Did your father leave?
Joel: Nope.
Sheila: It's also brought up some denial issues.

Ramona: I love my little guy. When we were separated, it was like a part of me was missing. The ball part.
Sheila: Really? You feel a connection to yours?
Ramona: Oh, yeah. You should thaw yours out and see.
Sheila: Hmmm. Maybe I'm...
Joel: We're good. We got Abby.
Abby: Great stuff.

Joel: Look how bad things seemed for us yesterday. We were about to lose everything. Today we just have to kill a Nazi. And, lucky for us, now there are more of them than ever.

Joel: [Looking at mutilated body in freezer] Not quite sure how we make that look like an accident.
Sheila: What if he got sucked up into a jet engine?
Joel: Times have changed since 9/11, honey. You can't just drive a corpse onto a runway and throw it into a jet engine anymore.
Sheila: Another freedom gone forever.

Joel: Eat the foot! Eat the foot! Eat the goddamn foot!

Eva: You know, my man is always making me do all this dangerous stuff by myself.
Joel: Really?
Eva: Yeah. Why is he doing that to me, Joel?
Joel: I don't know. Maybe he's not great at danger and thinks he would just get in your way.
Eva: You know, I never told him, but I want him with me. Having him there makes me feel better.
Joel: Of course it does. And he should wanna make you feel better. He needs to stop only thinking about himself, put his issues aside, and be there for his wife.
Eva: We're not even married. And I got a ton of shit to say about that, too.
Marcus: [walks into apartment] What the fuck?
Eva: Yo, this is Joel. And he didn't do nothing to Loki. And he says you need to stop being a fucking pussy and come with me when I do my drops, and fucking put a ring on it, Marcus!
Joel: Marcus is your boyfriend? Would've been good to know.

Gary: Is there a problem?
Joel: Oh, God, not you.
Gary: Look, Joel, obviously you're upset, but if Sheila doesn't wanna go with you.
Joel: Shut up, Gary. Sheila...
Sheila: Life should be fun, honey. And I don't care what Consumer Reports says, that car is hot.
Gary: She wants to have fun, Joel.
Joel: And doesn't care what Consumer Reports says. I heard her, Gary.

Bookstore: You'll find the zombie literature in our lifestyle section, next to the fertility crystals. If you hit witchballs, you've gone too far.
Joel: Isn't that always the case.

Joel: Our kitchen looks like the inside of a shark.
Sheila: Well, I admit it went on a little longer than necessary... and then 10 minutes after that.

Lisa: I'm sure Dan is fine. He's probably just in the desert shooting owls, or at the beach shooting starfish, or maybe at that strip club that has the bacon he likes.
Joel: He's a man of many interests.

Sheila: Maybe we can make this work for us.
Joel: You want to murder someone for Dan?
Sheila: I will need to eat, and this is a bad guy.
Joel: I don't want to be Dan's hired assassin. I'm just settling into being a real estate broker who kills people. And the only thing I like about that job is I get to be my own boss.

Joel: Ugh, you're right, Bob Zekeman's a total asshole. I can't believe he stole her cat. Look how cute they are together.
Sheila: Aw.
Joel: They dressed up for Halloween. I'm hoping.

Sheila: [holding an arm like it was a hoagie] Man, this guy really hit the spot.
Joel: I just stuffed a man in a meat freezer. Cross that off my bucket list.

Eric: Joel, wait. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Sheila online, and you were right, I was trying to impress all these people. You've been cool your whole life but I've always been well, invisible. So, I was wrong and it won't happen again.
Joel: I'm sorry, I was thinking about how handsome I am. What?
Eric: Seriously?
Joel: Of course not. What do you think I am? I heard you.

Rick: Hey, you wanna smoke a little? Get the creative juices going. It's been a while.
Joel: No, I gotta stay focused. If we get high, we'll just end up designing sneakers again.