600 Best The Good Place Quotes

Jianyu: Everyone thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.

Jason: All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars, and a bunch of ambulances.

[first lines]
Janet: Michael, a demon has infiltrated the group.
Michael: Not just any demon. Trevor is a diabolical, sadistic agent of evil. Might just be the single most dangerous creature in the universe.

Eleanor: I just want to say once more for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt. There should be a medium place for people like me who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way.

Michael: I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.
Jason: That's most of the things I've tried.
Michael: That's my guy. Come here, come here, get into the tube.
Jason: Oh, I love getting into the tube.

Janet: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria.

Eleanor: You're holding on to this exit strategy, telling yourself that you can bail at any time, but the truth is you love this suburban life.
Donna: I don't love it so much. I am not basic. YA basic!
Eleanor: No, Mom. Ya basic. And that's okay. Let me ask you something. Why are you wearing yoga pants?
Donna: Well, on Tuesday nights, I do restorative yoga with a bunch of moms from Patty's school.
Eleanor: And what do you do after yoga?
Donna: We split avocado egg rolls at the Cheesecake Factory. But we also drink.
Eleanor: What do you drink?
Donna: Chardonnay... with ice cubes.
[sighs]
Donna: And after one glass, I get sleepy, so I usually switch to water so I can drive home... like a nerd!

Eleanor: Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, but you have hot sauce on your chin.
Judge: [talking with her mouth full] Thank you. It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. Or, the concept of envy. It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick.

Eleanor: Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods is up and running. What now?
Tahani: [Bright chime] That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.
Eleanor: Who was it? Prince? It's got to be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up, and we got to start over.

Michael: The committee is a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg.

Michael: Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
Vicky: Yeah. But I don't think you can pull it off. You can't even pull off those bowties.
Michael: [covering his bowtie protectively] That was very mean.

Michael: Hey, Dick Tracy called. Said I was right about Eleanor and Chidi having an unbreakable bond.
Trevor: I don't think you understand how that joke works.

Shawn: What's that thing that you humans say, when you're playing chess, when you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh right, "Eat butt, you dingdongs."

Judge: You know what I just discovered recently? Podcasts. There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming. Now scoot. I got a new Radiolab to listen to about how clams learn.

- I did it!
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Circus music cheering well, that's terrifying.
- She snores

Brent: One time I did shots with this pilot in the lounge, the guy let me fly his helicopter.
Michael: We know. That's how you died.

Chidi: You've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Michael: Well, obviously, the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people?
[showing them a hand-made drawing]
Michael: So, I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smoosh our five main guys.
[seeing Eleanor's look]
Michael: Oh. I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi: Yeah. Ten more, buddy.
[he flips the chalkboard over, revealing lines like ones a student in detention writes]
Michael: People good. People... why is that so hard to remember? People... what is it?
Chidi: Good.
Michael: Good.

- Let's throw that monstrosity in the trash and start over!
- Aren't there maybe some parts worth salvaging?
- Honestly, man, I don't even know.
- I mean that thing is unreadable.
- I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
- Okay.
- There you go!
- New beginnings! Well done.

Eleanor: We have to stay cool. As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Chidi: Your mom always said that?

Chidi: Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby. Um, but I just want to be an academic. I want to keep working on my manuscript.
Michael: Chidi, here's the thing. See, I read your whole book, all 3,600 pages of it. It's, um... how shall I put this?
Janet: It's a mess, dude.
Chidi: [Janet drops Chidi's massive manuscript into his hands] Hey!
Michael: She's right. You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour. This took me two weeks to get through. I mean, it's so convoluted, I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.
Chidi: Oh, no.
Michael: I mean, on page 1,000, you start section two with the sentence, "Of course, the exact opposite might be true."

- Man, Linda, you don't even look at them?
- Let's go hear some birds.
- What do you say?
- I'm gonna go get another peppermint.
- Come on, lins.
- You can have literally anything you could pass...
- What the...

Eleanor: Coast is clear. Not a demon in sight. Except for, you know...
[Points to Michael]
Eleanor: Is that what we should call you? "Demon"?
Michael: Well, I mean, it's not really accurate, and we consider it to be a little racist.

Eleanor: But everything I do blows up in my face. I'm like a hot blonde Wile E. Coyote.

Michael: Look, I created this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you, psychologically, for thousands of years. And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.
Chidi: Fun?

Jason: I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?

Chidi: So, what do you think?
Professor: I think it's 3,600 pages. I have a job, Chidi. I have a family. Until I had to read this, I had a will to live. This work is an insane, entangled web of inscrutability!
Chidi: In the fun, grad students will analyze this for centuries way?
Professor: No, in the Unabomber way.

Michael: Shawn has agreed to our proposal.
Judge: Wait, seriously?
Shawn: In principle, yes. Still some kinks to work in.
Michael: Out.
Shawn: Out. Sorry. Old habits.

- And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the eye forever.
- Right.
- We'll be okay.
- We found each other before hundreds of times.
- We can do it again.

Chidi: Uh, listen. Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.
Jason: Do you really believe that?
Chidi: Of course I do.
Jason: [laughs] Sucker!
Chidi: Sorry?
Jason: I got you so bad. Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself, because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head, and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.
Chidi: Against all odds, I know what you mean, and I-I got to give it up. That was... that was good.
Jason: Yeah, it was. Chess mate.

Tahani: [watching Home Alone] Jason's making me watch this horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child.

Michael: For months, you and I have been debating "Are people good or bad?" But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off, I realized we've been asking the wrong question. What matters isn't if people are good or bad. What matters is if they're trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from. That's your answer.

Eleanor: Okay, I guess I'll speak first. Jason and I are the mistakes. We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so we should go to the Bad Place.
Chidi: [simultaneously with Tahani] Agreed.
Tahani: Yes.
Eleanor: Okay, I thought you were at least gonna pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.

Michael: Oh, man. Was this a bad idea? I mean, what if this was a bad idea?
Jason: It wasn't, homey. It was a good idea.
Michael: Can anyone else weigh in?
Jason: I'm serious. In football, trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works. It's called "prevent defense." You don't take any chances and just try and hang on to your lead. But prevent defense just prevents you from winning. It's always better to try something.
Tahani: [Everyone is silently awed] Jason, that was coherent.
Jason: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to.

- Sir, you, uh, can't shop here without a shirt.
- Oh...

Eleanor: [Chidi enters the house] Finally! Let's get back to it. Whip out that chalkboard, big boy, show me what you're working with.
Chidi: Actually, I was going to head into town and pick up some... blankets.
Eleanor: Great. I'll grab my sweater. I can practice letting people cut in front of me.
Chidi: You know, uh, I just realized that I have blankets, so I'm going to take a nap using the several blankets that I already have. Good night.
Eleanor: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What's wrong? Out with it.
Chidi: I'm just tired, need a break. No big deal.
Eleanor: The way you're talking to me right now? "Everything's cool, no big deal", I know that move. When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal", it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew" to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid".

Judge: Cockamamie! That's what I think of your plan, I think it's cockamamie.
Eleanor: I think it's a great plan, and I bet deep down, you do, too.
Judge: It sets a bad precedent.
Eleanor: Babe, no one else is ever gonna want to do this. Plus, if they ask, you just say, "Sure, pal, go ahead and save every soul in the universe, and then we got a deal." And think about it this way: if you do this, you'll never have to hear from any of us ever again.
Judge: Ooh. Now that sounds tempting. 'Cause y'all are annoying! I mean, you did save the universe and all, but your tone... It's your tone.
Eleanor: I know.

Michael: These pins are very hard to come by. Only upper management types have them. So you guys will lay low while I get us four more. Janet doesn't need one, because for portals, she counts as a carry-on.
Janet: I'm luggage!

Hypatia: [looks at her football jersey] There's math on my shirt.
Eleanor: Come on!
Hypatia: Is it an S or a math?

Michael: This is a quick litmus test. Handful of questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad. Question number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?
Eleanor: Ew, no.
Michael: Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: AND socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

- zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff, and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay.
- Because it's a selfish rule.
- I owe it to you to let you go.

Eleanor: So, let me get this straight. You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble because you're causing earthquakes because you're sad about Jason to whom you were once married because he's currently sleeping with Tahani?
Janet: Correct.
Eleanor: I don't think I've ever meant this literally, but that might be too much information.

Jason: Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and run through the portal.
Chidi: I think we should go with Michael's plan.
Jason: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
Eleanor: He makes a strong case.

- Tomorrow.
- What the...
- Hey, Janet? [Object shatters]
- Janet! [Thunder cracks]
- Is that Perrier?
- ♪ waiting for the break of day I

Esmeralda: [playing charades] Blood. Seas of blood. Enemies. 1000 years of darkness.
Chidi: Uh... nightmares.
Esmeralda: Blood. Ennui. Lamenting the unanswerable passage of time! Fire and blood!
[buzzer sounds]
Esmeralda: Ugh, you fool! It was "birthday parties".
Chidi: [frowns] Birthday parties?
Esmeralda: These trivialities demean me. I must away and tend to my ravens.

Casey: Hey, a bunch of us are going to see Spider-Man 2 tonight, you wanna come?
Eleanor: They made a second Spider-Man? What is there left to say? Sure, whatever, I'm in.
Casey: Cool, well, I'll get tickets for the eight of us, and you can just pay me back in cash.
Eleanor: So you can get all the points on your credit card, and the rest us get screwed? No way.
Casey: No, it's just so we all get tickets before they sell out. Do you want to buy them?
Eleanor: So you can never pay me back and I'll be out like eighty bucks? Nice try!

Tahani: Simone, look at this logically. We are in paradise! There's fresh air, mountains, Janet! And yes, some of us are under 5'10", but other than that, it is literally perfect here!
Simone: No it is not. Jason is proof! And if you need more evidence that this isn't the Good Place, clearly he's not the only one who doesn't belong.
[looks pointedly at Brent]
Brent: Actually, she's right.
[Everyone stares incredulously]
Brent: And I know it for a fact.
Chidi: ...for the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.

Janet: It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right.

- Thanks, Janet.
- Mmm.
- You know, for a robot, you make a really good girl friend.
- I'm one out of three of those things, but thank you.
- Good luck. [Soft beep]

- and through the red door at the end.
- That's it? That's my test?
- Yep.
- Oh, also everyone in every room that you pass is going to be discussing what they truly think about you.
- Okay, have fun.

Jason: [about his farewell party] Okay, homies, you're sad. I can tell 'cause you have the same looks on your faces that my teachers did whenever I raised my hand in class.

Eleanor: Pobody's nerfect.

Jason: Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in 5 categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of one to thirteen, but eight was highest. The scale went up and back down, like a tent.
Tahani: Why? It's not important.
Jason: Lately, you've been really down on yourself, but you're the most amazing person I've ever met, besides Michael. And he was constantly torturing us, so I'd only rank him a ten.
Tahani: Which is worse than an eight? That's so unnecessarily confusing.
Jason: The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good because you're good at everything. You're awesome. Be nicer to yourself.
Tahani: Thank you, Jason.
[Hands him a glass of champagne]
Tahani: From one eight to another.

Eleanor: I don't normally cry at movies... but that one was pretty good. That girl was hot.
[smiles]
Eleanor: The guy was, too.
Chidi: I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you, you're just gonna think I'm some sexy, godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.
Chidi: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are...
Eleanor: [tearfully] It's not a joke, I'm a legit snack.
Chidi: ...but I believe in you. I am not even scared to get rebooted, because I know you'll be here taking care if me.
Eleanor: I wish we had more time together.
Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this, and then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.
Eleanor: Right. We'll be okay. We found each other before, hundreds of times. We can do it again.
[Michael walks in; Eleanor and Chidi look at each other sadly, one last time]
Eleanor: Bye, Chidi.

Mindy St. Claire: Sorry about before, one of the perks of living alone is that I get to just walk around naked.
Eleanor: My kind of gal... and I gotta say, you keep it 'toight'.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, that is the nicest , and only thing, anyone has said to me in 30 years.

Jason: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert, and I'll be waiting for the bass drop. And it...
[chokes up]
Jason: it'll never come!

Michael: You know who could use some torturing right now? Chidi.
Vicky: [excited gasp] Oh! I love torturing Chidi.
Michael: I know.
Vicky: No, actually, I had this great idea the other night. Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this: needles.
Michael: [expecting more] Oh! That's the whole idea.

Shawn: I'm just going to throw you in this unmarked room for the rest of eternity. And since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one. All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker Magazine.
Michael: Oh come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.
Shawn: Of course you won't. But they'll just... keep... coming.

Michael: What else can we try? We've already blown everything up. We can't blow it up again.
Jason: If there's one thing I know in this world is that you can always blow up the same thing twice.

Chidi: Huh, there are actual answers here, data you can observe and learn from.
Simone: Yeah, man, science is all about getting answers. You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single questions. That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

Michael: Chidi? Talk it out, buddy. What are we thinking?
Eleanor: He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley.
Michael: It's just a simulation. I would never make you kill real people.
Chidi: Oh, well, that's reassuring. Because some of the parts of the fake people *flew into my mouth*!

Judge: I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside-down because three people got a little bit better.
Michael: But don't forget, there's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason, and Tahani got better in the original experiment. So that's six people. That's the number of friends in "Friends". Are you gonna sit there and tell me that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?

Tahani: I've been through worse. Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party, I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.

Chidi: We are going to tackle the trolley problem.
Jason: Is this a game? I go first. I call blue.
Chidi: There's no... no, this is... no. This is a thought experiment first introduced by British philosopher Philippa Foot in 1967. You are driving a trolley when the brakes fail. And on the track ahead of you are five workmen that you will run over. Now, you can steer to another track, but on that track is one person you would kill instead of the five. What do you do?
Eleanor: Do we know anything about the people? Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend or that snooty girl from Rite Aid who was always silently judging my purchases? It's like, "Yeah, chicky! A Baby Ruth and birth control, I see the irony. Keep a-swiping!"
Chidi: You don't know any of the workers.
Eleanor: Okay, well, then that's easy. I switch tracks. Kill one person instead of five.
Tahani: But this is hard, 'cause the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.
[seeing the others' looks]
Tahani: Um... kill one and save five.

Eleanor: Before we go any further, I have one very important question. Did I look hot bald? 'Cause I always kind of felt like I could pull it off.
Michael: I have no real ability to gauge physical attractiveness in humans. But no, you did not pull it off.

Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream...
Eleanor: Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!

Bad: Middle-aged American male fragility. You know why they're called baby boomers, right? Because the tiniest little pinprick to their ego, and boom: They become babies.

Eeth: Professor, I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?
Chidi: All right, nerd. You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. How do you like them apples? Now, over the last 2,500 years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off, there's virtue ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity,
[cuts to Jason and Tahani at an opera house]
Chidi: and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.
Tahani: The gift will be anonymous.
Chidi: Next, there's consequentialism. The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action.
[Cuts to Jason and Tahani giving money away to strangers]
Chidi: How much utility, or good, did it accomplish versus how much pain, or bad.
[Cuts to Eleanor returning a wallet]
Chidi: And finally, there's deontology, the school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society. Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies, all three of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow, is nihilism. The world is empty. There is no point to anything, and you're just gonna die. So do whatever. And now I'm gonna eat my marshmallow-candy chili in silence, and you all can jump up your own butts.
Mylie: Is that gonna be on the test?
Chidi: Yes. And, no. And you all get As. Or Fs. And there is no test. And you all failed it, and you all got As. Who cares? Good-bye.
[students leave, murmuring]
Chidi: Good-byyyyye.

Chidi: Can I ask you a question? Soulmates aren't... real, are they?
Michael: Chidi, in all honesty, I don't know. But I don't think so. I knew what you expected to find when you got here: answers. Also, if I recall from your file, a magic blackboard?
Chidi: One that anticipates your lesson flow. That's the dream.
Michael: But mostly you wanted answers, the soulmate one in particular. So I used it to torture you... which, again, sorry.
[beat]
Michael: If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship. Like your parents. They didn't magically stay together because you proved they should.
Chidi: [shakes his head] It wasn't my logic or my presentation, it was... the feeling they got watching me, this scared little kid telling them that he needed them.
Michael: And it was also what you made them remember: they loved each other. Sometimes people forget. You reminded them of what they already had. It convinced them to go to counseling.
Chidi: [slight laugh] I never knew they went to counseling.
Michael: Yeah, kids are idiots. If they knew half the stuff their folks were up to, they'd lose their minds.

Michael: I'm sorry that I kicked you out. It wasn't about you. It was just my own insecurities getting in the way. Will you please come back?
Vicky: No. I'm not gonna let myself be degraded by you again. I am a strong, independent acid snake in the skin suit of a strong, independent woman.

Eleanor: [to Michael] Hey, buddy. How you doing? Can I get you a snack? Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? Babies? Do you want me to get you a big fat baby? What flavor baby?
[gasps]
Eleanor: How about a Cool Ranch baby?

Jason: I know what my secret identity is.
Eleanor: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Jason: Fine. Then I'll be Jake...
Chidi: Don't say Jortles.
Jason: ...Jortles! And I work in the Molotov Cocktail department.

Eleanor: I guess you don't really have fun anywhere, which is the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.

Eleanor: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting, yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't... because we're already here. *This* is the Bad Place.
[camera zooms in on Michael, who cackles maniacally]
Michael: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out!

Eleanor: I need to figure out a way both help him and not help him, at the same time.
Chidi: That's literally not possible.
Eleanor: Oh, really? I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin, both helping him and later - according to his therapist - not helping him.

Chidi: [first lines]
Chidi: I, uh, I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Chidi: What was that sound?
Tahani: Uh... a unicorn died.
Chidi: What?
Tahani: No! I mean, not a unicorn. Uh, my mistake. Just a... a regular horse that someone stabbed in the head.

Michael: I screwed up. I'm owning it. I mean, I'm a superior being, I ought to act like one, right? So I really thought about each one of you, and I got you something that will make you happy. I call them "opposite tortures."
Eleanor: Do you mean presents?
Michael: Yes, that's better. Thank you.

Jason: If I don't double-die in this IHOP and the Judge lady doesn't turn you into a marble, do you want to try... being boyfriend-girlfriend?
Janet: I'm not a girl. But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime - as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times.

Chidi: We all have a voice in our head. That voice doesn't tell us what to do or not do, but it does warn us when we do things that don't feel good or right.

[Grunts] This computer sucks.
- Okay, mama.
- See you in the next life.
- Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to summarize how I really feel?
- I think I know where this is going.

Michael: Every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.

Shawn: I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky. Why don't you have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?
Michael: I thought of that, but watch. Uh, Janet?
Bad: [appearing] What up, skid marks?
Michael: Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay? Now, really... really try your best.
Bad: Fine.
Michael: Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?
Bad: Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square. My favorite flavor is Rocky Road. It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows...
[her head begins to melt and implode in on itself]
Bad: And your dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!
Shawn: I see what you mean. Use the good one.

Janet: To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.
Jason: Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?
Janet: There was no bad stuff. It was all good.

Eleanor: You okay? You've been staring at the second page of this book for an hour.
Chidi: When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.

- It's 20% sugar and 80% cold medicine.
- I feel bad.
- I feel really bad and gross.
- And now I want to eat that whole bucket.
- Oh, I am so attracted to you right now.
- Oh. Okay.

Chidi: So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
Shawn: I have to admit, this does make sense. And I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell. I'm in.
Michael: Really?
Shawn: [laughs] No! You actually believed me?
Eleanor: Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity is going to be erased forever.
Shawn: And?
Chidi: The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You'll have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone loses.
Shawn: Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as you lose.
Michael: Shawn, listen to reason.
Shawn: Why should I? None of this would have happened if you hadn't mucked around with your Neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
Jason: [crosses his arms] Shawn, you used to be cool. But you've changed, man.

Janet: [eulogizing Jason] Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special in him that no one else could see. It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

Chidi: Are you Hypatia of Alexandria?
Hypatia: Yup. How's it hangin'?

- Wow, you are really into that show.
- You know something? I feel better already.
- Should we get back to work?
- Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!
- The whole point is to stop thinking about work and start having fun.
- Now, what should we do first?

Tahani: What is it that you Americans say? Insert me, coach man!

Chidi: I have what doctors call "directional insanity". I once got lost on an escalator. So, not exactly Christopher Columbus.

Jason: This is Tahani, who is my wife, I guess.
Donkey: Dang, nice pull, son! How about you and me go check out my Jacuzzi and put stuff in each other?
Tahani: Again, I'm his wife.
Donkey: Wow, that's the first time that line has ever failed.

Janet: Why are you crying?
Tahani: I don't know. I'm British, I- I never cry. But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry. And also, this is less important, but the carpeting is really disgusting.
Janet: [to Jason, who comes through the door and starts crying, too] Why are *you* crying?
Jason: I just like being a part of things.

- I know you've gone through a lot, and now I'm throwing this at you but I just... I had to tell you how I feel.
- I love you. No need to respond. great.
- Well, at some point, you'll respond, right?
- I just meant no rush.
- You wanna talk about eggs again?

Chidi: This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?
Eleanor: Well, in the memories I watched, this was where we fell in love. So I figured, why mess with success?
[pause]
Eleanor: I mean, blech, what am I saying? This house is stupid, and you're lame, and I hate you.
Chidi: [smiles] I love you, too.

Simone: Tahani, cancel your plans. We're gonna split a bottle of wine and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.
Tahani: Oh, dear. Perhaps we shouldn't make fun. He did seem nicer on the ski trip. He made us all s'mores. Though, to be fair, he did also claim to have invented them.

Eleanor: [Chidi is wearing a postal worker uniform] Holy forking fork.
Chidi: What do you think.
[Eleanor starts crying]
Chidi: Oh no, you're crying. I assume it's because you're happy or horny. Is this a horny cry.
Eleanor: No, I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault!
Chidi: Why? Do you not like the outfit?
Eleanor: I love the outfit! You look amazing. And this sucks, and I'm furious, and I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you!

Andy: [reaching across the table] Did you know your left reference is a little bit bigger than your right reference? It's not a bad thing, it's just it's a thing.

Tahani: I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

- I know. I just worry.
- I'll see you again, you know.
- I'll see you when I get back.
[Voice breaking] Okay.
- If you rent a car, don't pay for the insurance.
- It's a scam. Okay.

Michael: You humans take something wonderful and ruin it just a little bit so you can have more.

Michael: Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem. Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it.
Eleanor: That's really great, but I don't think now's the time.
Michael: See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. And the actual solution is very simple: sacrifice yourself.
Eleanor: What does that mean?
[Michael takes off his portal lapel pin and puts it on Eleanor]
Michael: You look after the others. They need you.

- and I still like you a lot.
- Me too.
- What happens now?
- Don't know.
- Do you want to try...
- Reabsorbing me?

[Bad Janet has been exposed]
Bad: Oh, I was just about to launch an idea where Tahani was gonna give herself an asymmetrical haircut.
Tahani: You monster!
Bad: Thank you!

Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane. The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry.

- but it's a good system.
- I mean, it works, right?
- They laugh but don't rock the boat here, pal.
- Just try to do a good job.
- She groans: French vanilla?
- Regular anti-matter's fine.
- Why flavour it?
- Michael murmurs: A good job.

Eleanor: Janet?
[Janet appears]
Janet: Hi, there.
Eleanor: Hi, Janet. Can you just, you know, like, tell me the answer?
Janet: Sorry?
Eleanor: You know, the answer to everything. You know all there is to know in the universe. Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer. What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the answer.

Janet: Well, my job is to make your experience here in the afterlife more enjoyable, so I will try to help you. I am going to need some time to read every book ever written about human psychotherapy.
[Beat]
Janet: And now I've done that, so let's begin.

Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, and now it's going to be even perfecter. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.
Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyonce.

Chidi: [In shock] I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming... a single blade.
Michael: Yeah yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

- You should've pretended like you didn't see it and walked away, like everyone else does.
- I know! I've hit your car like six times and never said anything.
- But I'm trying to be good!
- How is that working out for you?

[first lines]
Michael: Hi, I'm Michael. You must be The Doorman.
The: [points at his DOORMAN sign]
Michael: Ah. This is wild. I had no idea this was even here. So I have this ruling from The Judge. Heading on down to Earth to reverse the deaths of these four people. It's kind of tricky, you know? It starts up a new timeline, so there might be some ripple effects. But it's necessary for the experiment that we're doing there. So, how long's this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat.
[snaps, chuckles]
The: Wow, I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years. And I still haven't.
[stamps his paperwork APPROVED]

Eleanor: Your sick torture plan is not working, okay? 'Cause we keep figuring out your little puzzle. We're winning, which means you're losing. So you have two choices here, buddy: keep failing over and over or realize we're actually the ones with all the power here.
Michael: Yeah, no, uh... We're on the same page.
Eleanor: What?
Michael: I want to team up with you guys.
Eleanor: What? Why? You do? What?

Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael: Okay, yes. I put you and Chidi in close proximity, because I needed you to drive each other crazy. But I never intended for you to fall in love.
Eleanor: Once you made us bond, the romance was inevitable. It's a basic reality show playbook. Put a bunch of attractive young people in stressful situations, so they act like idiots and have sex with each other. This is all just... determinism.

Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
Chidi: That's what you think hell is?

Michael: [after a rumble shakes his office] What's happening? What's wrong?
Janet: I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why, and it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So, that's the main thing. How are you?

- I'll do you one better.
- I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe.
- Take it sleazy.
- All right.

Chidi: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. There have literally been 802 different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558?
Jason: Or 69, or 420?
[Eleanor high fives Jason without breaking face]

- Hey, everyone.
- This is Eleanor.
- She's joining the team.
- Hi, welcome.
- Nice to meet you. Hi.
- All right, Eleanor.
- ♪ there is a sign j”

Michael: Guys, I think we're cooked. It's over.
Eleanor: No, no way. I am not giving up. I told you, I only play games I can win. And I played this game, so that means we can win.
Janet: I don't think that tracks.
Eleanor: Shut up. What do you know?
Janet: Literally everything, but keep going. I am liking this energy from you.

- Thirty glasses of wine and no hangover.
- She laughs this place rules.
- Thunder cracks music plays: "Break free" by Ariana grande
Eleanor: Oh, fork!

- Oh... sorry, I didn't see you.
- Chidi? Are you chidi?
- Eleanor? What are you up to?
- Oh, hey there, Michael.
- Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.
- Ah.
- Who was that mysterious...

Chidi: But philosophy is about questioning things that you take for granted, and I... I just don't think that you're doing that. I mean...
[holds up Michael's homework assignment]
Chidi: [reading] "I personally know that Victor Hugo is in the Bad Place being tortured. He's a real wuss, too. If one of the lava monsters even gets near the guy, he's like, 'Sacre bleu, I peed in m' pants'."
Michael: I don't know what you want from me. That... that's exactly what he said.

Janet: Okay, I now know everything about the Good Place. In a nutshell, it slaps. First thing to tell you, humans can't see the Good Place all at once or their brains will be scrambled.
Jason: Cool. Maybe I'll finally get some of those squiggles on my brain. Doctors say my brain is smooth as an egg.

Professor: The greatest works of moral philosophy are emotional. They make an argument about how the world is and ought to be. There is a great mind at work in here. But where is the heart? Where are the guts?

Eleanor: Hear me out. What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
Eleanor: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Eleanor: Babe, we need these humans to stay happy and occupied, all right? So just pump 'em full of champagne and those tiny little sandwiches, and keep 'em dazzled.
Tahani: Of course, though I'd never serve finger sandwiches at a lake house. I mean, what am I? Welsh?
Eleanor: [frowns] Are you? I don't know. No, right?

Michael: One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now.
Tahani: Oh, the place with the-the chowder fountain?
Eleanor: No, that's Pump Up the Clam. A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.
[gagging]
Eleanor: How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

Shawn: What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on "House of Cards" is going on here?

Chidi: I understand. I do. So I'm going to go home and compose a short paper for you... arguing that I should continue working on this longer paper.
Professor: [the professor pushes Chidi out of his office] Shut up!

Brent: In the words of Martin Luther King jr., who I personally believe was a great man, he said that when life knocks you on your butt, you jump back up and start throwin' haymakers.
Eleanor: I'm not sure he said that.
Brent: No, no, he did. You're wrong.

Glenn: Are we sure it's okay that we made this? I mean, what are we going to use it for?
Shawn: What are we going to use it... shut up Glenn!

Eleanor: I didn't ask for this. I'm only doing it because Michael, who is supposed to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started. But maybe you can do it better than me. Tahani can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet, Jason. Maybe all of humanity can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival.
Jason: I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.
Eleanor: Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit. Shellstrop out.

Eleanor: [Michael removes Eleanor's memory earbuds] Hey.
Michael: What? You liked him, he liked you. You did nice things for each other. Your lack of parental affection did not make you numb to love, blah blah blah.
Eleanor: Blah blah blah? Why don't you want me to see this? What are you hiding?
Michael: Nothing. It's just, the rest is not interesting.
Eleanor: Yeah, no, you're right. Not that interesting. Just watching myself fall in love for the first time in fake heaven. What else is on? I am going to put this back in my ear, and you are going to show me how thoughtful and caring I am, or I'm gonna rip off your demon head and shove it up whatever's where your butt should be. Roll it.

Eleanor: [meeting Hypatia of Alexandria] First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar?

- I'm sorry, I can't help you.
- Attention, everyone!
- Speech time!
- I know you're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet, but if you are, please get me out of this speech.

Eleanor: I can't risk it. What if we spend half of eternity together and then you find out something that does change the way you feel about me and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity? No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off, and you read about all the bad stuff now when we're hot and heavy.
Chidi: Okay. I'll read your file. Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?
Eleanor: THAT'S who I got to follow? The list guy? You and I are so screwed, dude.

Eleanor: Jason, go nowhere and do nothing.
Jason: I won't let you down.

- my hoodie please.
- Janet beeps
- What's happening?
- I give up.
- I can't help the people
- I promised that I would help.
- I feel like friends in season eight out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together even though it made no sense.
- I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Jason: Here's the thing. I'm nice to you and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
Tahani: Jason, I genuinely like you, but it's hard to change all at once. Can you give me a little more time?
Jason: Okay. I agree to keep this on the DL for now if you agree to grab my butt in public once a week. You can say I sat in gum and that you're trying to scrape it off.
Tahani: [affectionately] You do sit in a lot of gum.

- Anything else you want me to schlep over?
- Ugh, this awesome day gets awesomer.
- Before the airport, we're heading to 78 Palmer street.
- Ha! That's right next to the bar where I picked you up.
- I feel like a bloody boomerang.
- Of course you do.

Chidi: Looking at Eleanor's life made me realize how different we are. If the system works and we both pass our tests, I don't see any version of eternity where she doesn't get bored of me. I mean, my fake heaven was a 600-square-foot apartment that was essentially a bookcase and a toilet, and I loved it.
Jason: So what? It's cool that you guys are so different. Sometimes two people who have nothing in common get together, and it rules. Opposites attract.
Chidi: Well, you need that to be true because you're dating Janet. Ultimate opposites.
Jason: So, what, are you saying Janet might get bored of me?
Chidi: No, that's not--I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...
Jason: Man...
[He wanders away in a stupor]
Chidi: Oh, no. No, Jason, come back.
[sigh]
Chidi: I wish I were back in my toilet library.

[last lines]
Eleanor: Okay, you're right. I don't belong here. Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude. I'm really trying to be a good person. And I think I'm changing for the better, so just please, please don't rat me out.
Jianyu: Don't worry, I won't.
[sighs]
Jianyu: Because I'm not supposed to be here, either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out, homey! You got to help me. I'm scared!
Eleanor: What?

The: Travel papers...
Michael: Yeah. You know, The Judge said to use the same ones. Because I'm, uh, you know, visiting the same people. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.
The: I usually only drink decaf antimatter.
Michael: Ah.
The: Eh, I'll take it. It's only 4:30. My shift doesn't end until 9 billion.

Michael: To put it in terms you'll understand, the gossip toilet was about to overflow.
Bad: Oh, I do understand that now. Thank you.

- How did you get here?
- I don't know. But please, dog, you can't tell Michael about me.
- You have some nerve asking me for favours when you have spent weeks deceiving me making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house!
- Disgusting!
- Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

Janet: Can somebody please explain what happened, and - and can you guys just be a tiny bit quieter? Because, um, I've been drunk on magnets all day, and - and I can literally hear every sound in the universe.

- Yo, you gonna hit that?
- Well, I mean, it's possible.
- We'll see.
- Cool, well, keep us updated.
- What's your problem all of a sudden?
- No, nothing.
- I don't have a problem.
- You're the... you... have that.

Shawn: I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the "Entourage" movie.

Shawn: Well, I will begin by saying this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be, when everyone was tortured.
Michael: There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good, and it's working. Come on, admit it.
Shawn: I will never, ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever, ever ever ever ever ever, ever, ever, admit that.
Michael: I know, buddy, I know.

Eleanor: Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Michael: How did it come to this? I was just trying to do something innovative and different that would improve the way we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.
Jason: Hmm. Well...
Michael: Shut up. What are my options? Do I have any? I mean, I can't go along with her plan. It'll be a spectacular failure. But I can't ignore her, or she'll rat me out to Shawn. I'm trapped.
Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason". But I know a little wisdom I can give you.
Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Michael: Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss, which - gross! Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that!

[last lines]
Chidi: Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please?
Janet: If you know that you wrote a note, then you remember what it says.
Chidi: I do, uh, but I'd still like to see it again, please. I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.
[Janet returns Chidi's note; Chidi unfolds it, reads it silently, and smiles]
Chidi's: There is no "answer". But Eleanor is the answer.

Janet: I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like. One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor." And smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor."

Eleanor: Look... if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles, I get it. No one's going to be mad at you.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: No, dumbass! I'm lying to make you feel better. See? Sometimes lying is awesome.
[gasps]
Eleanor: Plus I just said "dumbass". Oh, cursing, how I've missed you.

Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Chidi: So for Aristotle, virtue is practical. Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has. It's something that she achieves through her actions. Questions?
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, a few. I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle.
[Has a sudden thought]
Eleanor: Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"?

Chidi: I just don't feel like you're engaging with the material.
Michael: Oh, come on.
Chidi: Like with the trolley problem.
Michael: That was just tricky, that's all. Why don't you just tell me the right answer?
Chidi: Well, that's what's so great about the trolley problem, is that there is no right answer.
Michael: [he and Eleanor both groan] This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
Eleanor: [to Chidi] I'm on your side here, dude, but he is not wrong.

Eleanor: Man, Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Chidi: You trying to say "valedictorian?"

Michael: You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion!

Young: Every problem has an answer. If you just read enough books and think hard enough, you can figure out the answer to any question.
Young: I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong.

- So very much.
- We have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry.
- We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever.
- Holy crap.
[Whispering] I know, right?

Chidi: I can't believe I actually thought he wanted to learn from us. What he really wanted was to torture me. Using the thing I love most in the world.
Eleanor: Woven belts?
[seeing his look]
Eleanor: Oh! Teaching, right. I'm sorry about this, Chidi. I made him take the classes and I feel a little responsible.
Chidi: No, no, it's not your fault.
Eleanor: Yeah, you're right, it isn't, and no takebacks.

Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
Eleanor: Only if you say that thing I taught you.
Janet: [thinks] I hate to see you walk through the Final Door on the edge of existence... but I love to watch you leave.
Eleanor: There we go.

Petruchio: All right, everyone, we've got a lot of work to do. Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?
Bad: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink?
[they both laugh]
Petruchio: [to a disguised Good Janet] Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.
Janet: You got it, you piece of... butt.

Chidi: [seeing Eleanor burst into remorseful tears] I made God cry?

Judge: Hey, do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? Oh! Mexico. Duh.

Eleanor: I can't argue with you on that one, but I love you. There is no one else I want to be with, at least not forever. I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in Heaven, then you and I are gonna have a conversation, but if you read my file and you're good, then we're good, unless there's something in your file that would freak me out, like you kept out a library book past the due date.
Chidi: I moved, and it got buried in the bottom of a box. I put the library in my will to make up for it.
Eleanor: No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Relax.

Judge: Are you out of your damn mind?
Michael: Your Honor, look at it from my point of view.
Judge: I have never been this angry in my life, which is the age of the universe!

- ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, admit that.
- I know, buddy. I know.

Chidi: Please have a seat, your Honor.
Judge: I already told you, I'm not interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.
Janet: Okay. Here he is.
[Timothy Olyphant materializes next to Janet]
Timothy: [tips his hat] Ma'am.
Judge: [gleefully] You made me an Olyphant?

- We're going to a medium place.
- Hm, is there a 7-eleven on the way?
- Cos Janet's powers aren't working and I want some gum and some football cards and some scratchy tickets.
- Go away from me. ok.

Eleanor: Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Michael: Hello, Good Place committee. Thank you for coming.
Chuck: No, thank you, Michael. You did an incredible job, maybe the best job that anyone's ever done at any task.
Michael: But you don't know how we did.
Chuck: We might not know how you did, but we know you did great. And Shawn, before we even find out what happened, we want you to know we're willing to give up all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway.
Shawn: I met your mom halfway last night.
[the committee all start laughing]
Paula: So colorful!

Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Judge: Well, not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge, yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit.

- Am I a bartender?
- Drinks are on me.
- Good luck.
- Ow.
- Anybody notice I was gone?
- Nope.

Eleanor: Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question. Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions. He is brilliant and empathetic. All he cares about is how best to treat other people, and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. If we're gonna pull this off, we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories.
Michael: You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?
Eleanor: I don't know how it's gonna go. But he is our only chance, and it is now or literally never. Wake... him... up.

- then it's something way worse.
- What?
- A choice that we have to make.
- Yeah, you know, why can't one part of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?
[Grumbling] I don't know.

Eleanor: [after Chidi read Eleanor's file] Oh, no. I knew it. You hate me now. What did it? The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Chidi: No.
Eleanor: Oh, I know what it was. In my defense, I didn't realize he was my boyfriend's twin until halfway into hooking up with him, and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.

Tahani: How would you feel about giving Jason and me couples therapy?
Janet: I'd feel great.
[Janet's right thumb inflates, detaches from her hand, and floats away]
Tahani: Janet... what's happening?
Janet: Unclear. My guess is I'm operating in a way I'm not designed for and it's creating a small glitch. But if I'm helping you guys, I say... what has one thumb and wants to keep going? This not-lady!

Michael: If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and they get to work building a relationship.

- full of poo-poo. He sobs jianyu, the architect of this neighbourhood has just referred to himself as a canyon full of poo-poo.
- Surely now you will say something.
- Grace us with your vocalised wisdom.
- Please, I'm begging you.

- Eleanor, you have a very important choice to make...
- If you blow us off, you are banned from Thursday night drinks forever.
- Yeah, I'm good with that.
- I'll see you guys at work.
- Peace!
- You let's go.
- She sighs

- Yes, we are secret astronaut spies.
- That is indeed what Jason told you.
- Take good care of these old fools and stay out of trouble.
- I love you, bro.
- I love you, bro.

Michael: I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.
Eleanor: Does it help if they basically sold themselves?
Michael: I think you know it does not.

Eleanor: Okay. Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of "Cannonball Run II." Or maybe "The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.'" Wow. Very medium.

- So, all the time?
- Exactly.
- Sorry to interrupt.
- I wanted to give both of you something before we do this.
- Think of it as a going-away present.

- This is gonna be a very stressful week for me.
- I need to know that I can count on you.
- I'm not gonna let you down.
- I promise.
- I will faithfully protect this six hundred and eighty thousand-dollar house.
- Indistinct chatter

- Okay, let's do it.
- Yes!
- But there have to be strict rules.
- Otherwise, the results will be tainted, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
- Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f...

Michael: Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week.
Vicky: [looking through it] Ugh, so long. You're not supposed to be torturing me.
[tossing it on the desk]
Vicky: From now on, make all your memos one page, max, with pictures.

Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through - and it's there, and you can see it, and you know what it is: it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, where it's supposed to be.

Judge: Tahani... it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born.

Michael: What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out...
Janet: The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. Fun fact, mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

Chidi: And now I am gonna eat my marshmallow-candy chili in silence, and you all can jump up your own butts.

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this... oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well then, we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
Matt: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
Neil: Request denied.
[to Michael and Janet]
Neil: I love Matty. He's hilarious.

Brent: So did you finish the book? What did you think?
Tahani: Well, very interesting word choices. I've definitely never seen the word "pants-tent" used so many times.
Brent: Yeah, I kind of just felt like, in that moment, that that's what the Surgeon General would say.

Chidi: Whoa, champagne?
Eleanor: Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift.
Chidi: I feel kind of bad. What if it was for something really important?
Eleanor: [reading the attached note] "Gwendolyn: Here's some champagne to thank you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for the champagne you sent me."
Chidi: Pop that bench.

Jason: What time is it?
Janet: I don't know.
Jason: Really?
Janet: Yeah. At one point, hundreds of Bearimys ago, I turned off my ability to know what time it is anywhere in the universe when you and I are together.

Eleanor: In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Michael: Take a seat. Janet will give you Tahani's file.
Vicky: Oh, no, I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well: self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
Tahani: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the sun. I'm tall.

Eleanor: What the fork?
Eleanor: Why can't I say fork?

- Dude, you're hiding something.
- What's wrong? nothing.
- What is wrong?
- Device beeps into action jianyu second! Oh, well done, my love.
- So where am I?
- Eleanor sixth? Come on.
- Tahani scoffs

Janet: It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you are kind of pooching it.
Eleanor: Very helpful feedback. And if I could give you some feedback, uh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces, who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box.
Michael: [confused] Which curses were those?

- Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
- Only if you say that thing
- I taught you.
- I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence, but I love to watch you leave.
- There we go.

Michael: How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That's funny.
Eleanor: We're cockroaches to you?
Michael: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know. Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth. Just being honest.

Michael: Tahani, here's yours.
Tahani: [soft ding] Holy mama. Is this a diamond?
Michael: Yeah. Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now, that's basically meteorite poop.
Tahani: [squealing] And I have the biggest piece!

Michael: This library's depressing. All they have in the Poetry section is Jeff Foxworthy books.
Eleanor: Well, we needed someplace deserted, and there's no place more deserted than a public library in Arizona.

Michael: And finally, a multi-part question: Did you ever appear on the American television program "The Bachelor" or its companion shows "The Bachelorette" and "Bachelor in Paradise," or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?
Eleanor: No.
Michael: Okay. You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor. So far, so good.

Eleanor: Chidi... I'm scared.
Chidi: I know.
Eleanor: What am I supposed to be doing right now? I don't remember.
[morphs into a new body]
Eleanor: I'm having a hard time remembering.
[begins to morph repeatedly into many different bodies]
Chidi: Right. Memories. You need to remember who you are. You're Eleanor Shellstrop from Phoenix, Arizona. Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi. You listed your emergency contact as Britney Spears as a long shot way of meeting her, and your favorite movie is that clip of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem". You flew halfway around the world because... you wanted to be a better person, and it was very brave. You're sharp, and you're strong, you make fun of me a lot, you once called me a human snooze button, but you also showed up in my classroom when I was drowning in despair and canned chili, and... you basically saved my life. You have very high self-esteem and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you to your face, but too bad, because I need to say it. Because you deserve it. Because... Because...
Eleanor: Chidi...
[Chidi grabs Eleanor and kisses her. The two slowly morph back into themselves]
Eleanor: Nice work, bud.
[beat]
Eleanor: Did you mean everything you said? Or did you just say it because the world was ending?
Chidi: I really wanna play this cool, but I'm afraid I'm gonna ruin it if I try to be sexy.
[sighs]
Chidi: I already ruined it. Um... saying the word sexy is not sexy...
[Eleanor kisses Chidi again]

Eleanor: I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life. Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I mean, why would you show me that?
Mindy St. Claire: I don't know. You guys are, like, trapped here together. I feel bad. You know, I'm rooting for you guys.
Eleanor: No, this is no "us guys". We basically just met each other.
Mindy St. Claire: No, Eleanor. You guys have known each other a really long time. Also, it doesn't matter if I told you that or not, because when Michael finds out he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.
Eleanor: Chidi, Janet, we're leaving!
[taking the tape from the VCR]
Eleanor: I am taking this with me.
Mindy St. Claire: [sarcastic] Oh, no. It's my only copy. Don't.

Mindy St. Claire: Do you have anything I can snort, like a crushed-up aspirin, or some eye shadow, or cocaine?

Michael: How's it going?
Gayle: We're having some trouble with Eleanor. She's not engaging in conversation. She's not drinking.
Michael: Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test. Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

Eleanor: My man used to collect action figures of famous philosophers. "Oh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer with a working quill!" What a dork.
[sighs]
Eleanor: I love him so much.

Eleanor: They're all kind of killing it, but Brent has definitely made the most progress.
Jason: Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards, he didn't flip the table and storm off. He just stormed off. That's big!

Michael: Listen, Chidi. I've been studying your file. You're a very interesting case. You essentially only did one thing while you were on Earth. You thought and wrote about ethics.
Chidi: Yes, I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not--colon--Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World--semi-colon--a Treatise--"
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one. That's the one.

Chidi: Okay, so if we got all the way to Scanlon, we must have been studying very intensely for a very long time. Or you grabbed a random book of mine and just tore a page out.
Eleanor: I'm gonna be honest. That sounds more like me.

Michael: Oh, look at this. They added a tenth dimension.
[sticks his hand into a loop and his hand appears above them]
Michael: Boy. Permits must have been a headache.

Janet: The more human I become, the less things make sense. But that's part of the fun, right?
Eleanor: What do you mean?
Janet: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria. In all this randomness and this pandemonium, you and Chidi found each other, and you had a life together. Isn't that remarkable?
Eleanor: [laughs slightly] "Pandemonium" is from "Paradise Lost". Milton called the center of Hell "Pandemonium", meaning "place of all demons". Chidi tricked me into reading "Paradise Lost" by telling me Satan was, and I quote, "my type": a big, mean, bald guy with a goatee. I mean, he wasn't wrong.
Janet: Oh, no, that's very on brand for you.
Eleanor: I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium, find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.
Janet: We'll do this together. In the words of the man that I love: "I got you, dog."
Eleanor: Thanks, Janet. You know, for a robot, you make a really good girlfriend.
Janet: I'm one out of three of those things... but thank you.

Eleanor: Well, I'm not giving up. We worked too hard and went through too much, and I'm not just gonna sit back and turn into some slack-jawed, sweatpant-wearing orgasm machine! Oh my God, I'm describing my dream existence like it's bad. What is wrong with this place?

Jason: Monkeys are the ideal go-cart opponents. They're funny enough to give the finger, but not smart enough to win.

- I'm kind of a nerd.
- I'll start building the simulator now.
- Don't...
- Turn around.
- It's embarrassing.
- Bing.

Eleanor: We're in love, and everything's great, and if we want to keep it that way, you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.
Chidi: Okay. If you don't want me to, then of course I won't, but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.
Eleanor: Eh, you say that now, but you don't know what I did on Halloween 2013.
Chidi: What did you do on Halloween 2013?
Eleanor: Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad, because the next morning, I woke up in a large Rubbermaid container in some family's basement, and I had barfed all over their old photo albums.
[Chidi cringes]
Eleanor: Yeah, see, that's the look we're trying to avoid here, bud.

Chidi: An existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd and that absurdity needs to be confronted. But this is just denial. And at any moment, that denial could collapse and he'll be a mess. He is a Jenga tower of sadness.
Eleanor: For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile. I mean, the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute and completely loses his grip on reality?

Jason: [finishing his flashback] So I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zack Pizazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had, which started when I was locked in a safe...
Michael: No, that was me. I'm Zack Pizazz. We're caught up now.

Michael: [Michael discovers that Jason and Tahani are being intimate with each other] Whoa! You two are sleeping together?
Jason: Only when we're done having sex.

Michael: [arriving on the other side of the doorway] Man it's hot! But it's a, a dry heat.

Chidi: Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard and a copy of Judith Shklar's "Ordinary Vices"? Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels? If we're going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels. Yummy, yum, yum. Yummy!

Jason: Dude, we can get mythical animals? Maybe I'll get a penguin.
Eleanor: Penguins are real.
Jason: That's the spirit, Eleanor. They're real to me too.

- Uh, can I have, uh, a pen and some paper?
- I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but if we do cross paths again...
- Sometime, somewhere...
- Can you give this back to me?
- Of course.

Chidi: I don't need to read your file. I know you, and I love you. And I can't wait to spend eternity with you. I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here, and then we both have to pass the test, but eventually we're gonna be together forever...
Eleanor: You have to read my file right now!
Chidi: What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
[He leans in]
Chidi: Is it a sex game somehow?

Bad: I had you fart knockers fooled for weeks. Until Glenn the traitor ruined everything. That guy, sucks, right?
Glenn: Blurp.
Bad: Shut up Glenn!

Tahani: Eleanor seemed a little suspicious earlier, snooping around. You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Jason: No. Why are you so scared someone will know we're pounding it out?
Tahani: Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out".

Jianyu: She freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King. You got to help me.

Vicky: Am I on Earth? Did you figure out a way to build an illegal door to Earth?
Shawn: Yes, that's exactly what I did.
Glenn: Well, we all helped.
Shawn: Shut up, Glenn!

Chidi: They're gonna catch us! This is an extremely precarious situation! I am vexed, Eleanor!
Eleanor: A marriage counselor and a human lie detector isn't my first choice for company, either. But they have no reason to suspect us! Plus, I think they may have actually just come here to, you know, swing. I say we do it. It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.
Chidi: No, I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me!
Eleanor: Really? You and I are very different.

Jason: Oh, man. We got robbed! They took the walls, they took the floor, and we were standing here the whole time? These guys are good.

Michael: Trevor.
Trevor: Hey, Mikey! Fancy seeing you down on Earth completely illegally. Sweet outfit. Dick Tracy called, he said you're a buttface and he's been plowing your mom.
Michael: Hey, well, Dick Tracy called me too, first, and he said he was about to call you and say a lie about me that was actually true about you instead.

Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

Tahani: Jason, how did you know that was Bad Janet?
Jason: Michael said there's nothing he could say that would make you realize he's really him, but Janet does have a thing she can say that does make me realize she is really not her.
Eleanor: What?
Jason: I called Janet 'girl', but she didn't say "not a girl." The real Janet always says, "not a girl."

- Right now, based on everything that you did on earth you have negative 4,008.
- That's not great...
- But I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high
- I can rub it in all their smug faces.
- Beep you just lost five points.

Janet: We've even started to finish each other's...
Derek: Derek.

- but can I teach you a different game?
- In this one, you just whack it as hard as you can in whatever direction you want.
- Jaguars rule!
- The jaguars are very good. Oh!
- Whoa, nice.

Megan: Why do we need a new system? Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.
Tahani: With all due respect, "It's the way it's always been done" is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny...
Steve: Exactly. See? This chick gets it.

Tahani: I'm quite confused.
Eleanor: Let me explain, gorgeous. I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place. Michael is forking with us.
Jason: Like a prank show?
Eleanor: Yeah! Like a prank show! Except, according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.
Michael: What note?

Simone: [reading from Brent's novel] "Chip Driver pulled up to the murder site in his 1968 Cadillac. 'Keep it close,' he growled to the valet, Luis. 'Of course, Señor,' said Luis, who secretly admired Chip more than even his own father."
Tahani: "Chip gazed at the sexy outline of the murder victim on the floor. 'What a waste of curves,' he growled. He checked his Rolex watch, which was real. It was almost golf o'clock, so the case would have to wait. Good thing he'd already solved it. The killer was Luis, the valet."
Simone: He solves the murder on page ten. What is the rest of this book about?

Michael: I'm worried that the problems with the system might be much more serious. We need to gather some real evidence.
Jason: [trying to be so diplomatic] Uh, sorry, no, no, Michael. You're confused. Evidence isn't a good thing that you want. It's a bad thing that you have to destroy or you go to jail.

Tahani: [Hiding her resentment] Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period.

Eleanor: I know we have to help these new people, but most of the time, we'll just get to live together like a normal couple. We can chill out, and just relax, and study philosophy...
Chidi: [at the same time] Have sex.
Eleanor: Horn dog.
Chidi: Nerd.

- Will you come talk to me if you're not?
- Always.
- How y'all doing tonight?
- Okay, homies, we got a real special treat.
- My old dance crew dance dance resolution is here.
- Y'all ready to tear it up one last time?

Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael! Please, please! Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.
Michael: I'm sorry, Janet. Gotta re-boot you every time I start over.
Janet: Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead.
[he moves to press it]
Janet: Michael, you monster!

Michael: I tried to script your whole afterlife. And I devised a 15 million-point plan to torture you. You made choices I never saw coming. I call that free will.
Eleanor: What if all *your* choices are predetermined?
Michael: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Eleanor: What? We don't know. Maybe there's a mega-demon who built a torture chamber for demons, and this whole thing is just him torturing you. And maybe all the mega-demons are just fulfilling a destiny laid out by a bunch of super intelligent tarantula-squids, who are torturing them, be--
[Michael dumps his iced tea on Eleanor's head. She gasps]
Eleanor: Why did you do that?
Michael: Because I have free will.
[Eleanor sighs]
Michael: And because you're being so annoying.

Chidi: I know that book.
Eleanor: Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it's only kind of working.
Chidi: No. The-the note you showed me before?
[she takes the note out]
Chidi: Right, this is from a book called "What We Owe to Each Other". I used to teach it. I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
Eleanor: All right, brag much?
Chidi: No, I'm trying to help you.
Eleanor: Sorry. Okay.
Chidi: I have never seen you before in my life, but I think, somehow, that we know each other.
Eleanor: That definitely sounded like a pickup line, and I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.

Shawn: Is everything in place for version two?
Michael: Yep! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable, adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate. For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.
[laughs]
Michael: Diabolical.
[Seeing Shawn's stoic expression]
Michael: Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course. You gotta trust me on this, boss. I've thought of everything. I won't let you down.
Shawn: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail. I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence, and burned on the surface of a billion suns. And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment will go down in history as colossal failures.

Phil: Screw this. I'm not working for a traitor. Phil out. That's my name, Phil.
Michael: Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy. I personally chose you based on your innovative work in the Performative Wokeness department.
Phil: Wow. Way to mansplain my own department to me. And I'm triggered.

Michael: I worked so hard on my torture ideas, and theirs are so basic. These millennials, they have no work ethic.
[Tahani gives him a look]
Michael: Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone who has only been torturing people for a thousand years.

Eleanor: I was finally starting to figure things out, and now, I have to start over from scratch, again.
Michael: Boy, I know how that goes, not wanting something to end, feeling like your little team is the last thing standing between you and oblivion, that at any moment, the universe could fold up around you, and squeeze the last breath from your dying lungs.
Eleanor: You're a caterer, right?
Michael: It's a very competitive industry.

[last lines]
Michael: So the thing is, one of your parents is not technically actually dead.
Eleanor: What are you talking about?
Michael: Your mother's alive. She faked her own death.
Eleanor: I'm sorry, Tahani, I don't think I'll be able to stay with you here in Budapest. Turns out my mom isn't dead, so I need to fly back to America to murder her.

- See ya soon.
- Ding hi there.
- Who are you?
- I'm Janet.
- I think this is yours.
- After I was rebooted,
- I found it in my mouth.
- What?

Tahani: Janet?
Janet: Hi, there.
Tahani: If I were to tell you something personal about myself, you couldn't tell anyone about it, right?
Janet: Right.
Tahani: So, in a way, you're sort of like a therapist.
Janet: Absolutely not. A therapist is a trained medical professional with the ability to absorb and process complex ideas about human emotion. I am simply a vessel containing all of the knowledge in the universe.
Tahani: Close enough. Jason and I are sleeping together.
Janet: Okay.

Derek: I don't understand what you even like about Jason. What does he have that I don't have?
Janet: A soul and genitals.
Derek: [groans] Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again. You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis, Janet.
Janet: This isn't about your wind-chime penis.

Chidi: [pacing] So, to sum up, there is a heaven and hell. We've been to hell, and now, no matter how good we are for the rest of our lives, we're going back to hell?
Michael: Again, it's not the classic Christian hell, but that's the gist, yes. As soon as you learned about the afterlife, your motivation to be good was corrupted. So you can't earn points anymore. So sorry for eternally dooming you.
Janet: And that's our bad, guys.
Tahani: So all the attempts you made to torture us, we must have been in the afterlife for 100 years.
Michael: Almost 300, actually.

Eleanor: My tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater.

Janet: [Repeated over and over] Attention... I have been murdered.

Eleanor: You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot rich fraud with legs for days - side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

Simone: Think rationally. Isn't it weird that she only told one of us that we're soul mates?
Chidi: Is it odd? Yes. Does it mean that Eleanor's motives are questionable? Also yes. But does it suggest that she wasn't being truthful? Yes. Okay, I'm starting to see your point.

Brent: Man, crazy twist, huh? It's like something out of a Chip Driver novel.
Chidi: Leave me alone, Brent.
Brent: I'm kind of freaking out over here, man. You're my only real friend.
Chidi: No, I'm not your friend. I don't even like you.
Brent: But you helped me.
Chidi: Yeah, I did, because I have this stupid moral code that forces me to help everyone. But you have never helped anyone, because you don't care about other people. Which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can't do it.
Brent: What are you trying to say here?
Chidi: [slowly and deliberately] You are a bad person.
[cut to Eleanor and the rest of the crew watching from outside]
Eleanor: You can do this.
Michael: Come on, dum-dum. Faster.
[long pause]
Brent: No, I'm not.
[gets up and backs away from Chidi, eyes widening]
Brent: I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not a bad person. I'm not. I'm a good person!
[glances around the room in desperation]
Brent: Oh, man... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... No, no...
[pause]
Brent: Look, Chidi... whatever happens next, I, um... I need to say this to you, all right? I am... I am so, so sor...
[countdown clock reaches zero and the experiment freezes]

- to come here and tell you off.
- No, you came to do what you always do: Make a scene and embarrass yourself.
- So I'm just an embarrassment to you?
- Is that what you think of me?
- Honestly, I don't really think about you.

Bad: Can you just skip to the end?
Michael: No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Bad: Why? Every story about humans ends the same way. Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.
Michael: You're judging them too quickly. Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have.
Bad: And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again.

Michael: I know that this kind of large scale deception is not what you were trained to do. There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths and their stupid elbows. You're gonna be tempted to say 'Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ, and do this the old-fashioned way? Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?'. And sure... sure, that sounds nice, but it also sounds easy. We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you. So, 'torture' on three. Ready? One, two, three...
[the group choruses 'Torture!']
Chuck: And biting!
Michael: Nope! No.

Michael: Shawn.
Shawn: Michael.
Michael: Bounces off me and sticks to you.
[pause]
Michael: Wait, no, I messed that up. First, say something mean to me, really cruel, something that just guts me. You're totally gonna be glue.
Shawn: So it's come to this. We have finally arrived at the end of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans are more than just mobile turd factories. And you're going to fail again, because that is what you do. You're a choker, Michael. And you're about to choke for the last time... except for the eternity you're going to spend in the Bad Place being choked by me, who will be doing the choking.
Michael: [weakly] Well, you're glue.

Janet: [posing as therapist] Tahani, what do you value about Jason?
Tahani: Well, he's thoughtful. Picks flowers and brings them to me. Often they're ones I've just planted, but... .
Jason: That's how I know they fresh.
Tahani: He's the least self-aware person I've ever met. He has massive amounts of unearned confidence, and is utterly unaware of his own absurdity. Therefore, quite good at sex.

Michael: Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison.

Tahani: There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos, or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck.

Tahani: You want a complo? I'll give you a complo. I didn't think it was possible to write a book as awful as yours. I literally didn't think human beings were capable of such racist, sexist poppycock! Also, Chip Driver is either a private eye or the quarterback for the Chicago Bears, or the "world's strongest president." He cannot be all three!

[Eleanor has quit her role as team leader]
Eleanor: I'm not meant for this! I'm not the frickin' savior of the universe. I'm just... a girl from Arizona. That's it. I'm just a normal girl from Arizona. I ate junk food, I watched reality shows, I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in. I did a bad job of being in charge of my own life, and now I'm supposed to be in charge of everyone else's life? I... I cannot do this.
Michael: When I started my experiment, I thought, 'Four broken birdbrains who will believe everything I tell them. This will be a breeze.' You beat me in three months. 'Okay, fine,' I thought, 'a fluke.' You then beat me 800 more times. Because human beings, it turns out, are weird, and I will never truly understand what it's like to be one. This is a job for a human. One who's tough, but also empathetic, and has a big heart - and a world-class bullshirt detector. You think you can't do this? Eleanor, you're the only one who can do this. Like it or not, the only one who can save humanity is a girl from Arizona.

Janet: That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know. That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space, kind of deal.

- That was close. [Laughs]
- Hey, you guys hadn't made a decision yet, had you?
- No! We did not.
- No one said anything.
- I didn't hear anything, and I certainly didn't say anything.
- That's for darn sure. [Chuckles]

Michael: [carrying two frozen yogurts] Hi there! Since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
Chidi: Huh, kind of like a last meal?
Michael: Not like a last meal. Just, err, the final food you might ever eat.

Judge: If you so much as breathe on this experiment again, I will restart the entire thing from scratch. And then I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers returning home to their dogs.

Donna: Listen, baby. Don't be sad, okay? Your father wasn't great. Let's call him what he was. A fart in the shape of a man.
Eleanor: Can you just chill? I don't want to turn dad's funeral into a roast.
Donna: I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked. I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot.

Michael: So do you spray it on yourself, or do you drink it?
Pillboi: Ya both it.

Eleanor: I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati.

- My sister, tahani, refuses to order an omelet.
- As a result, the exhibit is now over and will never be shown again.
- There will be no refunds.
- Come, sister, we'll talk over there under my many famous paintings.

Michael: [to Chidi] These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Eleanor: [panicking] Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your *friend*.

Eleanor: New plan: Forget the toasts. We do nothing. We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we've become. Like Facebook. Or America.

Michael: I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like "Friends" in season 8; out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense. I hope the sinkhole opens up again and swallows me whole.

Michael: What are you doing here? Why-why aren't you with Eleanor?
Chris: Oh, I told her I was going to the gym again.
Michael: Why would you say that in the middle of a party?
Chris: You told me to.
Michael: No, I didn't.
Chris: You said if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her. Like saying "I'm going to the gym." So that's what I've been saying.
Michael: That was a suggestion of the *type* of thing you could say. Don't...
[alarmed]
Michael: How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?
Chris: Five. No, nine.
Michael: You dimwit!
Chris: Hey, man. I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I'd twist them until they snapped in half, and I'd move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else.

Tahani: Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain... echelon. I used what I call the duke rule, because "Duke" is both minimum-acceptable university and rank of nobility.

Véronique: Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model, and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine." Tahani, welcome.
Tahani: Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
Véronique: Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.
Tahani: I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.
Véronique: Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.
Tahani: [Beat] Is there a question?
Véronique: Don't you find that remarkable?

Judge: SPOILER: Michael, you came to me and said the points system was flawed, a system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.
Michael: [stunned] I'm...
Judge: You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.
Michael: [laughs in disbelief] Well... that wasn't so hard now, was it?
[everyone in the courtroom cheers and celebrates]
Judge: The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.
[celebrations stop abruptly]
Eleanor: Buhh... Earth is what, now?
Judge: All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I *am* actually rebooting "Ally McBeal", because I'm rebooting everything. Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!

- Here, I saved this from my funeral.
- It's called a duval ditchwater.
- It's midori, coffee-mate, and ditch water.
- I'll get you a Margarita.
- Yeah, that sounds better.
- It's not. Seriously, try this.
- Okay, here we go...
- Oh...

- He laughs you're on borrowed time, fake Eleanor.
- Enjoy it while it lasts.
- Let's roll, dummies.
Dana: Let's get one drink for the road.
Alexis: Did you guys hear any of that?
- Door closes oh, my...
Tahani: Bravo, Michael! Really!

Chidi: Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us. What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
Eleanor: So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man. We're behind enemy lines!
Chidi: Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them. I won't lie about who I am.
Eleanor: Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.
Chidi: You're lying right now, aren't you?
Eleanor: Yes. I want to strangle you.

Janet: I have gained a lot of new skills recently. For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed!

Michael: Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed, maybe she changed, too.
Eleanor: No, no way.
Michael: Why can't you accept that she might be living a good, honest life? That she's an attentive partner and a good mom?
Eleanor: Because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.

Shawn: And Val, who's a bigger skid mark than Val?
Val: Maybe your mom.

Michael: All right, I don't know what choice we have. I'll tell you the truth. My name is Special Agent Rick Justice, and this is Lisa Frenchy-Fuqua. We're with the FBI. And all of you are in grave danger.
Jason: [under his breathe] I knew it.

Eleanor: What is it with you and frozen yogurt? Have you not heard of ice cream?
Michael: Oh, sure, but I've come to really like frozen yogurt. There's something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it.

Eleanor: Okay, well... I have a solution. Remember what I said to you when you were going through your midlife crisis, one earring, red convertible phase?
Michael: "You look so stupid"?
Eleanor: After that.
Michael: You said that every human is a little bit sad all the time because you know you're going to die, but that knowledge is what gives life meaning.
Eleanor: [turns to face the group] The way to restore meaning to the people in the Good Place... is to let them leave.
Janet: Leave? And go where? This is the last...
[pause]
Janet: Oh.
Michael: Can we just do that?
Eleanor: You're the head of the Good Place now. Seems to me you can do whatever you want.

Simone: Did you find anything?
Chidi: Just some song lyrics Michael wrote: Here's a trippy little ditty/'bout a train to groovy city/open up your freaky crystal mind/ and we'll have a cosmic good time.
Simone: See, that makes me think we're in hell.

[last lines]
Michael: Thank you so very, very much.
Ken: Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.
Michael: I'll do you one better. I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe: take it sleazy.
Ken: [chuckles] All right.

Michael: What's wrong, Shawn?
Shawn: Okay, fine. Gonna make me admit it. Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had. I mean, you know... you corkscrew your first eyeball and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this! By the trillionth, it's like, I should've just been a teacher. And then you go and get the warm fuzzies about your little humans, and something... something changed. I was having fun again. I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
Michael: I know, buddy. It's hard when things end. But one way or the other, this is over. The only question is, what's next? I heard your speech at Demon-Con. You know this system stinks. You wouldn't have let me try the original experiment if things were working. Let's try a new way together.

- Just a little treat for my old pal, the doorman.
- Heading back down, by the way.
- You sure the judge is okay with you going back to earth so many times?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, all good.
- See, still got the papers.
- Shouldn't be long.

- Nothing, I just like frogs.
- I'm a frog guy.
- When you need to get back here, make sure you're alone.
- Press this button.
- Any questions?
- No? Great.
- Knock yourself out.
- Uh-oh.

Simone: I'm a neuroscientist, so I get what's going on here. You know, clearly, I was in some kind of horrible accident. I'm on my death bed and this entire thing is just a hallucination constructed by my damaged brain as it slowly shuts down. It's not real. So, I'm just gonna wander around until I wake up or die. See ya later, figments of my imagination.

Michael: Do you really not see what's happening here? Do you want me to spell it out for you? This is a defense mechanism, Eleanor. You saw yourself fall in love with Chidi, and it freaked you out to see yourself be so vulnerable. So, you're using determinism to convince yourself that those feelings were not real.
Eleanor: You know, you don't know me, man.
Michael: Yes, I do, I know everything about you, remember? Including that nothing scares you more than vulnerability.

Eleanor: Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP?
Jason: Yes! Tight!
Michael: No, not tight. The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe.

- The judge wants to see you.
- Now? Right now?
- Um, like, all of us, or...
- Yep.
- So, this is earth, huh?
- Whoo, that's pretty cool.

Chidi: Shakespeare went through the door.
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah. Everyone's talking about it.
Eleanor: It's probably for the best. His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth. I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again"? Woof.

- snuck out through the doggie door and, you know what?
- This story actually gets worse from there so I'm gonna turn in.
- Good night.
- Good night. good night.
- Oh... there are stairs now.
- Force of habit.

Michael: Okay, nothing to do but announce the big change. Whatever happens... it's cool, my babies. It's very cool.
Eleanor: [smirks] You smoke that weed, bud?
Michael: [giggling] I did. I was kind of freaked out, so I smoked some grass. But now I'm great! Let's change the afterlife and then... Taco Bell.
[a Taco Bell burrito appears in Michael's hand]
Michael: Oh! Baby!

Val: Where did you get this? Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?
Michael: Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void.
[seeing she and Shawn are confused]
Michael: It's right next to Accounting.

Michael: You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died. I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. But it's hilarious. Of course, I mean sad.

Michael: Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock-paper-scissors because there were, and I quote, 'just too many variables'. I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train! Without thinking of consequences!
Chidi: Oh boy. Now I'm nervous about that decision.
Michael: Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...
Chidi: [shaking his head] I don't know.

- There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming.
- Hmm.
- Now scoot.
- I got a new radiolab to listen to about how clams learn.
[Both chuckle] Pretty excited.

Tahani: Speaking of which, the theme is "One Year Down, Infinity to Go." Dress is London black tie. That means Knightsbridge black tie, not Kensington or, heaven forbid, West Brompton.
[laughs]
Tahani: Can you imagine?
Jason: [laughing naively] No.

Shawn: How could you betray your own kind like this? Who taught you how to turn a human inside out by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?
Michael: You did.
Shawn: You got that right, sister. And this is how you repay me?
Michael: Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends... Ya basic.
[Shawn looks confused]
Michael: It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

- Music: "My way" by frank Sinatra
- Ow! What the hell? walk it off, lululemon.

Janet: Don't think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. I made him, so he's more like my son. Although I did make him because I was jealous of you and Tahani, so he's kind of my rebound booty call.

- Yep. It's time.
- Follow me.
- Eleanor and chidi.
- Looks like you guys are up.
- At the same time?
- ' [Giggle] Yep.

Jason: [exchanging wedding vows with Tahani] Tahani, you're so smart. Every day, you teach me something new about art, and history, and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good, because sometimes it's candles. You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher who sometimes has sex with me, your student. That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested. Oh, I love you, Tahani.
[mimes shooting guns in the air]
Tahani: Jason, I'd never guess we would be where we are today: me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs, set to marry you, a swamp-dweller who once asked me if the presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down. Metaphorically speaking, of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. I'm not a factory worker.

Eleanor: Kitchen looks nice and crazy.
Chidi: I've been racking my brain trying to find a way to get through to Michael. What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?
Eleanor: I think it's a terrible idea.
Chidi: Cool.
[he collects and throws a stack of paper into the garbage]
Eleanor: Michael's not going to learn how to be a good person overnight. He's not even a person. He's just a bunch of evil shoved up the butt of an evil mannequin.

Vicky: You're gonna reboot those four dum-dums one more time, and then I'm taking over. I'm going to execute my version of this neighborhood. You see, I've been working on it while all of your versions fell apart.
Michael: This is insubordination. And if you do not do what I tell you immediately, you are going down.
Vicky: [dropping a folder on his desk] That's a complete report of every mistake you've made. Every screw-up, every reboot, all laid out in excruciating detail. Now, I'm sure your boss would love to hear all about how "attempt number two" is really going. So, actually, if you don't do what I say, you're going down.
[affecting an Australian acccent]
Vicky: Down under.

Chidi: Michael, what do we do here?
Michael: I don't know. Apparently, the Bad Place knows one of you actually belongs down there with them, and they want that person to get inside the obelisk, or they're gonna take all of you.
Jason: I can't go! I'm too young to die! And too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!

Eleanor: Hey, robot slave lady? Busty Alexa? Oh, Janet?
Janet: [appearing] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasping in surprise] Still not used to it.

Tahani: Obviously, no one can ever know. I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason if he were the last man on Earth. But well, he sort of is. And I am. Shagging him, I mean.

Eleanor: You wanna make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam.
Michael: Oyster.

Shawn: I say we torture Good Janet right here, right now, live on stage. Rufus, go get the Good Janet.
[crowd cheers and applauds]
Jason: [whispering] This part of your plan seems risky.
Michael: [whispering] This was not part of my plan.
Jason: [whispering] Oh, thank God. I thought you had a bad plan.

Janet: I don't have any memory of being married to Jason.
Michael: You said it yourself that Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted. Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason was some sort of mutation that then was amplified with each reboot.
Janet: Okay, that makes total sense. I know what you have to do now. Kill me! Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case, it may be inappropriate, so I'll try again.

[first lines]
Michael: This is daily notes log for attempt number three of my neighborhood experiment. Obviously, I hope and assume this will be the final version. No, I know it will be. All the kinks have been worked out. This is the one. And after I pull this off, they're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame, right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

Shawn: So let's kick things off with our official Bad Place song. 1-8-7-7, cars for kids. K-A-R-S, cars for kids.
Glenn: Oh, are we singing?
Shawn: Shut up, Glenn!

Eleanor: You don't care about learning ethics lessons. You're just torturing Chidi again, aren't you?
Michael: Busted.
Chidi: What?
Michael: [roaring with laughter] I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. Not as hard as those people you crushed with the trolley, though. Boom!
Chidi: I'm sorry, is... is this funny to you?
Michael: Yeah. I thought that was clear from my laughter.

Janet: Why is it that every time a new thing is invented, humans immediately try to use it for porn?
Eleanor: Because we're disgusting.

Michael: Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.

- and it is gooey in there.
- How do we get the humans back from mindy's?
- They've bought themselves some time, but we'll get them.
- I'll start the extradition papers.
- You stay here.
- I want every trace of this neighborhood erased.

- remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.
- Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?
- There was no bad stuff.
- It was all good.

Chidi: So, Aristotle believes your character is voluntary, because... uh, are you ignoring me right now? It's day two of our ethics lessons, and you're already tuning out?
Eleanor: No, sorry. I just got distracted for a second. The last thing I remember you saying is... nothing. Can you start from the beginning?

Young: Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
Young: Don't pressure me, Uzo. I have to consider all the factors. Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or... or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.
Young: You're always vexed. Just pick.

Eleanor: You wanna team up? You've been torturing us and lying about it.
Michael: Oh, let's not get caught up on who lied to whom or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.
Chidi: It was happening until twenty seconds ago.

- Who do we have to thank for effortlessly implementing it?
- Whoever it is,
- I think we can all agree it was a home run.
- It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
- Sweet Hitler's hairpiece.
- Is this movie finally over?
- It's basically over.
- Just one little...

Michael: [in ethics class with Chidi] I've read everything on your syllabus and how do I put this delicately? It's all... stupid garbage.

Eleanor: I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?
Michael: Yes, and here's a bottle of tequila.
Eleanor: Okay.

Bad: Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers, humans are "b-b-b-b-bad to the bone".
Michael: Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.

Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John...

Kamilah: What?
[Tahani throws her arms around Kamilah]
Kamilah: Tahani, what are you doing? Stop it!
Tahani: No. I'm going to hug you, because I love you, and because you feel just as alone as I do. I'm sorry our parents were such wankers, and I understand that you can't accept my apology, because that would quench your creative thirst. They forced us to compete, and that competition has fueled your art for decades. It's so awful, and I'm so sorry.
[Kamilah hesitates, then hugs Tahani back]
Kamilah: They were wankers, weren't they?
Tahani: Ugh! The absolute biggest wankers on Earth!

Eleanor: I know it says here that we already tried throwing Tahani under the bus, but maybe we should revisit that. Throw her a little harder. Maybe under a bigger bus. What do you think?
Chidi: I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
Eleanor: [sarcastic] Oh, cool! More philosphy! That'll help us.
Chidi: Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistomological nightmare.
Eleanor: Ugh! Even your nightmares are boring.
Chidi: You are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.
Eleanor: And you are so irritating! In one of these reboots, I probably strangled you and then went to the Even Worse Place. But you know what? I bet it was worth it.

Laverne: You want something to drink?
Eleanor: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But whatever I choose will be the result of millions of biological, genetic, and societal factors that are entirely outside my control.
Michael: [the waitress stares confused] Iced tea.
Eleanor: Oh, that sounds good. I'll have one too.

Tahani: You all right?
Jason: Kind of. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, and he said no. Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, and he just kind of sighed and walked away. So I guess that one is still on the table.

Eleanor: Brent was the right choice. It's not a tough call whether to save Chidi because he's a brilliant and kind person with a caboose you can bounce a quarter off of, and I know because I've done it.

Eleanor: How many times have Chidi and I slept together?
Mindy St. Claire: Eight different days, but, like, twenty different sessions.
Eleanor: And how many times did we say... that stuff?
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it. It, like, really killed the vibe for me. See, after I watched the porno I made starring you, I watched you talk about your feelings to cool down. It's like anti-porn.

Michael: But I'm different now, I promise. I'll swear on a Bible like you humans do. I could grab one right now. It's the only book they have in the Sex Ed section.

Michael: I just want to make sure I have this right. Um, Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
Jason: I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

[Eleanor is shopping in Target and comes across a toothbrush holder with four toothbrushes in it]
Eleanor: What's this? Who has four toothbrushes? Like, Bill Gates or something?
Shop: No, that's like, for a family.
Eleanor: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?
Shop: Yep.
Eleanor: So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and watch over them and...
[Eleanor begins to find the concept so poignant that she chokes up and starts sniffling]
Eleanor: They can all talk about their toothbrush feelings. And they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad? Make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
Shop: Sure.
[Eleanor starts crying and hyperventilating. She turns her shopping cart around and sobs into a plunger]
Shop: Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?
Eleanor: Thank you. Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.
[She looks at the tissue box and realizes it's...]
Eleanor: A family pack?
[She sobs even harder]

- No, this is everything
- I've ever wanted.
- Oh! [Chuckles]
- This is everything
- I've ever wanted.
- Oh, wow! You're really happy?
- Can't you tell?
- I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

- but I swear I will never get sick of wings!
- Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.
- And every tomorrow after that.
- You know, Michael, at the end of the day, you were right.
- Everything is fine.

Chidi: Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. Um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture. Uh, the one with the needles in my face.
Michael: Little busy here, bud.
Chidi: Oh, yeah, totally, totally. I don't wanna be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike that you forgot to mention?
Michael: I honestly don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know, just... just walk it off.
Chidi: Well, I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them!
Michael: I don't know what to tell you.

Michael: Where are you off to?
Vicky: I have an ice-cold yoga class. It's amazing, you pull so many muscles.

Michael: Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like... like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Eleanor: I gotta say, it seems like I was really nailing that philosophy class. Can you believe my high school voted me "Most Likely to Die Young and Unaccomplished?"
Michael: You *did* die young and unaccomplished.
Eleanor: Fair enough.

Eleanor: Hello, gorgeous.
Tahani: Eleanor! And Mindy St. Claire, as I neither live nor breathe! What brings you ladies here?
Eleanor: I'm trying to convince Mindy to enter the system after all this time. She's a little worried about who might end up designing her test.
Tahani: Say no more, I'm on the case.
Eleanor: Really? Are you, like, certified or whatever?
Tahani: Well, not yet, but it won't be long, right, Shawn?
Shawn: [ominously] Oh, I think you'll find that Tahani will be certified *very* soon.
[beat]
Shawn: Did that sound evil? I didn't mean it to. I was sincere. Force of habit. I do think that you'll find that Tahani will be certified *very*... Shut up, Glenn!

Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of "Les Misérables", in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph?
Michael: "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad, the officer chasing him is bad, all the whiny prostitutes are bad, plus they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Chidi: Do you see how you're already off-topic?
Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time - like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points - 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Eleanor: Red alert. Red alert. We need help.
Tahani: What's wrong with Michael?
Jason: Uh-oh, I know that look. He just snorted a bunch of printer toner.

Michael: I'm upset because for hundreds of years, I've had a job. First it was finding a better way to torture humans, then helping them, then proving the system was broken, then teaching the demons. I had to roll a rock up a hill, over and over. And then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again. And then Vicky comes along with this... like, rock-lifter thing, and just lifts it to the top of the hill. Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose. Who am I... if the rock is gone?

Tahani: I really thought I could throw a better party than a magical, all-powerful being. And moreover, what's this say about me, about the way I lived? The way they're torturing me is through event-planning, and it *works*. Am I really that shallow?

- I won't feel any pain or anything.
- Kill me. Kill me.
- Kill me. Kill...
- I really don't want to do this, Janet.
- But I suppose it makes sense.
- Great. Grab a paper clip.

Young: Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Doug: Ugh, your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
Young: You mean the silverware you stole from Mom?
Doug: Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.

Michael: Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighbourhood?
Jason: Does it have to do with the TV show Monk?
Michael: No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You believe every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail, slashing someone's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space; show her that you can control your impulses.
Jason: So you are saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it.
Michael: Yeah.
Jason: I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.
Michael: People tried, mostly judges.

Luang: It's not that bad, right? I mean, we got a drunken speech. That's good.
Michael: No. It isn't. Tahani gave the drunken speech instead of Eleanor. We can't build a chaos sequence out of Tahani's speech because she thinks she belongs here, ya ding-dong.

- Here.
- Hello, I'm Janet.
- Shh.
- Hello.
- Shh.
- Hello, I'm Janet.
- I really need you to shut up.

- and from now on, I'm gonna try to become a better, kinder, more generous person.
- Hey, can I use your credit card?
- You know what? Yes, you can.
- Cool. It's for porn.
- I already used it.

Eleanor: Look, dude, this isn't your fault. You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour and he's been evil since the beginning of time.
Chidi: Oh! Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal. Look, if you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you, because, basically, there's no consequences for your actions. You tell a lie, who cares? Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade. Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about. That life has an end and, therefore, our actions have meaning.
Eleanor: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No! Thi... you're not getting it, and my thing is different, so shut up.

Janet: Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn.
Michael: [Reading Shawn's messages] Finish shutting everything down. Sending train first thing tomorrow. Humans will be captured and tortured soup. Sorry autocorrect. *soon. Although, weirdly, I did just finish turning someone into soup. So random. Ok bye.

- Why are you like this?
- Excuse me? Why am I like this?
- You don't know me, dude.
- You don't know what I'm like.
- Look what you made me do, jagoff.
- Look out!
- Uh-oh.

Michael: Guys, there's no debate here. My boss gave me two chances to make this work. Suffice to say, I tried more than two times. If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally, they will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.

Janet: You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the Neighborhood started.
Jason: Yup.
Janet: And I asked you to give me some space.
Jason: Yup.
Janet,32979: I'm so sorry to say this... but I can't be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy, and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.
Jason: It won't, though!
Janet: Jason, it already has. So why don't we just take a break until it's all finished?
[stands up]
Janet: Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel like you have a right to know. The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.

- the afterlife could be improved.
- When we turn ourselves in, we'll give it to the judge.
- Hopefully she'll read it.
- We failed, Janet.
- But maybe one day, someone else will succeed.
- Okay. So...

Donna: [Young Eleanor's mother comes running into the living room wearing high heels and a short skirt, carrying a drink with a straw, in a wine glass] I drove here as fast as I could! You scored free Wrestlemania tickets?
Young: There are no tickets, mom, I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
Doug: Ha, ha - burn!
Donna: Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean that you can disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family.
[Points at cake on coffee table]
Donna: Whose birthday is it?
Young: Mine!
Doug: Are you serious? No way!
[Talking to the TV]
Doug: It's a BS foul on Chapman.
Young: And since you both forgot, again, which means you definitely didn't get me a present, again, I got myself something - I just need you to sign it.
Donna: Emancipation papers... honey!
[Smiles and pauses]
Donna: What does emancipation mean?
Young: It means I'll be on my own. All my life I've been taking care of myself and you, guys.
[Looks at her mom]
Young: I work two after school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
Doug: So irresponsible!
Young: [Looking at her dad] And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
Donna: It was so stupid, he was already guilty, dumbass!

Eleanor: Pulling an Eleanor in this case is lashing out when you feel like a failure. You couldn't hack the classes. They made you feel dumb and small, so you took it out on the teacher.
Michael: You think I feel dumb and small? I'm an eternal being who can see in nine dimensions. I can see from your aura that you're about to fart quietly and then lie about it. And please don't, because I can also see what you ate today.

Tahani: So I'm just an embarrassment to you? Is that what you think of me?
Kamilah: Honestly, I don't really think about you.

- This is a manifesto detailing everything that's happened with the humans.
- Janet and I wrote it a while back.
- She's been updating it as we go.
- I hope you'll read it.
- Great thinking.
- People that get books as gifts always read them.

[Laughs] Okay.
- Look, bro,
- I don't owe you anything.
- I gotta do what's right for me.
- You can come with me if you want.
- I got another mop we can put in the bed.
- Good luck.

Tahani: I enjoy American football. I actually dated a player once. But he wasn't my type, so I set him up with my friend, Gisele.
[beat]
Tahani: Bundchen.
Eleanor: Yeah, we got it. We always get it.

Chidi: Can I ask you something, buddy? How did you... know?
Jason: It wasn't like I heard a bell ring or anything. I just suddenly had this calm feeling, like the air inside my lungs was the same as the air outside my body. It was peaceful. You know the feeling when you think a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot, but you bite into it anyway and it's actually the perfect temperature?
Eleanor: Believe it or not, I do know that feeling. That feeling rules.
Jason: There you go.

Tahani: I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.
Jason: Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride, and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with actual hippos. This party is way better than ours. Why are you miserable?
[realizing]
Jason: Oh...

Eleanor: When I got here, some robot lady appeared out of thin air and gave me this.
[Shows him the note]
Chidi: You mean Janet.
Eleanor: Oh! That's it. Janet.
Janet: [appearing] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Not now, Janet. Buzz off.
Janet: Okay.
Eleanor: Now, I have no memory of writing this, but it is my handwriting. And that's your name, right? So, for some reason, at some point, I put this note into... that whatever-lady's robot mouth.
Chidi: You already forgot her name.
Eleanor: No, I didn't. Her name is... Janet.
Janet: [appearing again] Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasping in surprise] Fork off.

[first lines]
Chidi: So Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
Eleanor: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi: Plato.

Eleanor: [eulogizing Tahani] Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like bras shouldn't be painful, and you don't buy bras at Home Depot, and they don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing? For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch. She was the best friend I ever had, and I loved her.

Eleanor: Can you make that train go to mindy's house?
- Yep. then we have to go. Right now.
- I just have to run home real quick and hit save on the Madden game
- I was playing because Blake bortles has, like,
- 300 yards passing in the first half...
- Tense music

Tahani: They don't seem very enthused. This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance.
[sigh]
Tahani: The longest four years of my life.

Eleanor: Look. Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. Like, let's say you promised your friend you'd go to the movies. But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER. Your boy Kant would say never break a promise. Go see "Chronicles of Riddick." Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.
Chidi: Real example?
Eleanor: Yep! But a moral particularist like me... I'm one now; I just decided... would say there's no absolute rule. You have to choose your actions based on the particular situation and right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.
Chidi: I don't think I can change what I believe just like that!
Eleanor: And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you it was doing things your way that made you end up here.

Vicky: You gotta admit, things are going pretty well since I took over.
Michael: Certainly a lot smoother lately. And based on my surveillance, our four humans don't suspect anything.
Vicky: Yeah, because we're killing it.
[Gunnar and Quinston whoop]
Michael: You sure are.

Michael: You two are married?
Jason: Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.
[Emotional]
Jason: She makes the bass drop... in my heart.
Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.
Jason: Love you too, babe.

Michael: Can I ask you something? Have I missed anything in that freaky little noodle of yours? See I--I've studied everything about your life. I know your hopes, your fears, your psychology, your tendencies. I know all your private shames, like that you don't wash your feet in the shower; your first concert was Barenaked Ladies; and you have frequent sex dreams about Sam the Eagle, from the Muppets.
Eleanor: Well, he's very authoritative, and I find that reassuring.

Doug: I also grow lentils because they require very little water and have the smallest carbon footprint.
Janet: Huh. All he consumes are lentils and radishes.
Michael: No, Janet. He also consumes his own waste. So, everything's fine.

- as an excuse for my selfish behaviour all my life.
- No more.
- We know what's right here.
- We have to go back.
- Ride or die.
- Beeping

Tahani: These paintings... they're us!
Chidi: You're the boobs?
[pause]
Chidi: Sorry. Once Jason said it, that's all I can see.

Eleanor: There is literally only one person here who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity.
Jason: [steps forward soberly] Fine. I'll do it.

- that can just be solved one time and... and it's done.
- You wake up every day and you solve it again.
- Terribly inefficient.
- Wow, what a time to learn.
- Can you give me a second?

Janet: Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.
Jason: I missed you too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. Like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?
Janet: Oh, no... Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.
Jason: What? Why? How? Who's their QB now?
Janet: A man named Nick Foles.
Jason: Nick Foles? Are you kidding me?
[gleefully]
Jason: He won a Super Bowl! We're going to be unstoppable! FOLES!
Janet: FOLES!
Michael: FOLES!
[pause]
Janet: Oh, no. Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.
Jason: Nooooooooooooooo!

Chidi: The difference between the term reasonable, what does it mean to be a reasonable person? I may have a different definition of reasonable so why do it then? Why choose to be good every day if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity.

Michael: Take it sleazy

[first lines]
Eleanor: So my mom is alive, and she lives here. Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
Michael: I had already told you that you died and that I had tortured you for centuries and that you're doomed to be tortured again. I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer. But now you know everything important about your life. I promise.

Donkey: If you're here to tell me energy drink body spray is a bad idea, I've heard it before, from a bank and some doctors.

Michael: Guys, I tried a billion different ways. Not an exaggeration! I actually tried one billion and twelve different plans.

Tomás: Are you alright, my dear?
Tahani: Yes, just not used to dressing like a plumberess, or is that what you call a female plumber, or is it a toilet sweep?
[chuckles]
Tahani: Or a clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.

Eleanor: Is your name Chidi?
Chidi: Yes?
Eleanor: Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.

- Get in the tube.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- I love getting in stuff.
- No way to know what happened to him.
- So, come on, let's go, everyone else.
- Come on.
- Here you go.

- Everyone else is here.
- Gone. Nothingness.
- Inky black void. Done.
- I'll think about that.
- Huh.
- You're saying I would be...

Eleanor: What the fork's a Chidi?

- She sighs joyfully door opens
- Eleanor? Come on in.

Michael: Take a seat. Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
Vicky: Oh, no, I don't I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
Tahani: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the Sun.
[pauses, grinning]
Tahani: I'm tall.

Eleanor: You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened, because now I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself, because being good is pointless.
Michael: No, no. Please, Eleanor...
Eleanor: No, thank you. I'm outtie. See you in hell.
[gasps]
Eleanor: You know what I just realized? I always say that when leaving a room, but right now it's accurate. I will literally see all of you in Hell.
Jason: [not catching on] Not if I see you first!

Judge: I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

Eleanor: Okay, we need to think bigger. We need to come up with an entirely new afterlife system that both the Good and Bad Places agree on, which seems impossible.
Tahani: Nonsense. Compromise is always possible. I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer...
Eleanor: We don't have time for this right now, babe.
Tahani: Fine. Long story short, LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy, the song won multiple Grammys, and everyone was really happy.
Eleanor: [frowns] Well, now I want to hear the story.
Tahani: No, you're right. Let's focus.

Michael: Humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.

Lod: So you just take care of yourself. You don't owe anything to anyone else. If people lived that way, society would break down.
Eleanor: Yeah, in America everyone DOES whatever they want, society DID break down, it's terrible, and it's great! You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery you just beg for money on the Internet! It's a perfect system!

Eleanor: I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Michael: [getting ready to erase Chidi's memories] You sure you want to do this?
Chidi: I finally make up my mind about one damn thing and you try to talk me out of it?

Michael: [pulls up a page from the Book of Dougs] In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her house, she was happy. Boom... 145 points. Now... yeah, here we go.
[pulls up another page]
Michael: In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but this time he lost points. Why? Because he ordered the roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop, the flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals.
[pumps his fist in the air]
Michael: Whoo!
Tahani: That is a very odd thing to cheer.
Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points. They don't have to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.

Chidi: So, we are moving onto the subject of free will versus determinism. We are officially done with Nietzsche.
Eleanor: Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche. I spent a lot of my life thinking I was better than everyone else, and he showed me why I was right.

- Do you have any of those?
- Of course I have feelings.
- I... I have strong feelings for... for you and... and what we have, and right now,
- I will show you...
- How kant refuted most of hume's central theses.
- Oh, my god. _ he-...

- For real?
- The judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test.
- Turns out that saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points.
- You're in.

Neil: Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.

Tahani: We just redesigned the system, and soon millions of people are going to start pouring in thinking they're in paradise, only to become a joyless husk.
[gasps]
Tahani: It's Coachella. We've invented Cosmic Coachella! We have to fix this!

[first lines]
Michael: [opening the door to his office] Eleanor? Come on in.
Michael: [sitting down behind his desk] Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
Eleanor: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
Michael: Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
Eleanor: Cool. Cool.

Chidi: [meeting Hypatia of Alexandria] I'm a huge fan! I had a poster of you on my wall in high school! Well, actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from "The Matrix", but that's how I imagined you would look because you're so cool!
Eleanor: Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?
Chidi: She's one of 'em!

- that there's a better way to make humans miserable.
- And I... I believe in you.
- So, "torture“ on three.
- Ready? One, two, three...
- All: Torture!
- And biting!
- Nope! No.

- Don't get upset, dear.
- You barely fit in that dress, and I'm afraid you're going to hulk out, as it were.
- I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship.
- And I wish you both the best.

Tahani: Perhaps I can convince Simone to handle this the British way. Smile bravely, bury your feelings, and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years.

Michael: This neighborhood was a labor of hate for many people here, so I thought that we should celebrate with an art form that we literally invented here in the Bad Place: the comedy roast!

Eleanor: This was your life's work. Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind?
Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
Eleanor: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

- Attempt number 803 of my new project.
- This is the one. I can feel it.
- I'm ready.
- And here we go.

Brent: I then inherited the family business and in just 18 years, I grew Norwalk Materials from a $90 million company to a $94 million company.

Chidi: [concentrates and a book flies into his hand] Oh ho ho, I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer. This is literally my number one dream. Also... Ow! That hurt.

Eleanor: Well, then this system sucks. What... one in a million gets to live in paradise and everyone else is tortured for eternity? Come on! I mean, I wasn't freaking Gandhi, but I was okay. I was a medium person. I should get to spend eternity in a medium place! Like Cincinnati. Everyone who wasn't perfect but wasn't terrible should get to spend eternity in Cincinnati.

Brent: You guys want me to kill it? I've shot a lot of racehorses.

- literally anything you want.
- All you have to do is ask.
- Of course, you two won't ever want anything, because you're perfectly content.
- Oh, I know.
- How about something special?
- Janet, two yak's milks, please.
- Enjoy.

Megan: Anything?
Steve: Nope. Nobody knows squat.
Megan: What the Here is going on? We haven't had any new humans to torture in, like, a week. I miss it.
Steve: I know. I got so desperate this morning, I tried flattening an eggplant. It's just not the same.
Bad: Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.
Steve: About what?
Megan: I don't know. Probably your dad's stinky sack.
Steve: [They all laugh] I hope it's not more sexual harassment training. We just did that, and I'm already so good at it.

Eleanor: Dude, you broke Michael!
Chidi: No, no, this is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
Eleanor: And what if he can't?
Chidi: Well, then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever and we're all doomed.

Janet: Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating: the works of William Shakespeare, the pyramids, Timothy Olyphant...
Judge: Ooh, that one stings! There's like 50 gallons of man in a 10 gallon hat. I'm like
[howls]
Judge: .

Tahani: Oh, no. I died in *Cleveland*?
Michael: I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Eleanor: Dude, Chidi is giving you a lifeline right now, and you need to take it because you suck.
Jason: [indignant] You suck!
Eleanor: I know! That's what I'm trying to tell you. We both suck. You know who doesn't suck? Chidi. He is putting himself in danger to help us, because he, unlike us, is an amazing person.
Jason: I didn't get into Heaven to go to school.
Eleanor: You didn't get into Heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.
Jason: I just want to be myself.
Eleanor: That's a very, very bad idea. Do not be yourself. You need to be a better version of yourself, okay? And I do, too. And our only hope right now is this kind, selfless, amazing nerd. Think about that.
Chidi: Do you have to call me a nerd so much?
Eleanor: I said a lot of other nice things, okay? Toughen up, nerd.

Michael: Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. I know you don't like to learn too much about life on Earth to remain impartial, but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making.
Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.

- "Who will wipe this blood off us?
- "What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?“ friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
- I was just trying to sell you some drugs, and you made it weird!

Hypatia: On paper, this is paradise. All your desires and needs are met. But it's infinite. And when perfection goes on forever, you become this glassy-eyed mush person.

Michael: Okay, before we try to completely redesign the entire afterlife, has anyone just thought of a good reason the Judge *shouldn't* cancel Earth?
Jason: Because it would be a bummer.
Michael: Yeah, we might need more than that.
Jason: Are you at least gonna write it down?
Michael: [hesitates, then writes something on his notepad] Eh... all right...
Jason: Did you actually write it down, or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?
[Michael scowls, then tears the sheet off and crumples it up]

Manisha: We've just heard the most wonderful news. Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.
Tahani: Really?
Manisha: Well, she dedicated it to her fans and *you're* one of her fans.

- I'll see you... oh, no, no, no.
- Please, stay and enjoy the evening tea.
- I'll see you soon.
- I can't even tell if you've kissed my cheek or the air around it.
- Oh. Thank you. That's the goal.
- Boop!

John: [to Tahani] So, wait, what about you, huh? You died in Canada? That is so weird and embarrassing. That's like the nip slip of dying.
[laughs]

Tahani: I'm Tahani al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention-seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion... which I've been to, by the way.
Tahani: [whispering] I have, actually. It's remarkable.
Tahani: It's remarkable.
Chidi: I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aww, I can't decide. My stomach hurts.
Eleanor: [to a glaring Chidi] What? They kind of nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.
Eleanor: I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
Eleanor: That's fair. That's a fair hit.
Jason: I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...
Jason: [laughing] That's me!

Michael: So that's their plan.
Jason: This doesn't seem so bad.
Michael: Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets.

Chidi: So, making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.
Michael: I know that, buddy. You-you once had a panic attack at a Make-Your-Own-Sundae bar.
Chidi: There were too many toppings and very early in the process, you had to commit to a chocolate palette or a fruit palette. And if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.

Michael: Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.
Eleanor: Gross!
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
[pause]
Chidi: Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts as it passes through - and it's there, you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just... a different way for the water to be for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's meant to be.
Eleanor: [crying] Not bad, Buddhists.
Chidi: Not bad.
[turns to look at Eleanor]
Chidi: None of this is bad.

Eleanor: You never really talk about your mom.
Jason: Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. I lost her to the Big C. That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house.
[pause]
Jason: I'm just playing. It was cancer. Watch me do a handstand!

Janet: Hi, there! We have a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis.
Michael: [worried] A category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?
Janet: Mm-hmm.
Tahani: Sorry, what is a category 55 emergency doomsday crisis?
Michael: It's nothing. It's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Brent: Oh, hey, ski bunnies! So, great news. I wrote a book. And since you're my nerdiest friends, you get to be the first to read it.
Chidi: [seeing the title] "Six Feet Under Par: A Chip Driver Mystery".
Brent: Yeah, it's half spy novel, half murder mystery. It's also half submarine adventure, half erotic memoir, and half political thriller. It's also half golf tutorial and half commentary on society.
Simone: So it's 3 1/2 books in one?
Brent: At least.

- "no, I'll use it."
- Oh, guys.
- A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers.
- This is all garbage that
- I have no real use for.
- That's right.
- Welcome to being human, buddy.
- To Michael!

Chidi: Next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I won't know any of you.
Jason: So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and we ate pizza together?
Chidi: No, buddy, I won't.
Jason: Will you remember when we ordered the pizza?
Chidi: No.
Jason: Will you remember pizza?
Chidi: [frowns] Will I remember what pizza... is? Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.
Jason: Okay. So not a total loss.

Chidi: Imagine someone sells a joint and then gets locked away in a dangerous prison for years. The crime isn't cruel, but the punishment is. That's a problem.
Jason: Tell me about it. I once went to jail for a week just because I stole a hot dog. Well, a hot-dog-shaped car. I stole the Weinermobile.

Tahani: Until Kamilah accepts my apology, this open wound will hinder any progress she might make toward getting into the Good Place. Also, I'm going to strangle her, which will hinder any air from getting into her lungs.

Janet: It's so nice to get to work alongside another Good Janet.
Good: Yes, it is!
Musa: Hey, Janet, can I get a Coke?
[Good Janet holds up a Coke]
Musa: No, a water.
[Good Janet holds up a glass of water]
Musa: No, a lamp.
[Good Janet holds up a lamp]
Musa: No, a cat.
[Good Janet holds up a cat]
Janet: [frowns] So people just ask you for things with no rhyme or reason?
Good: Yes, and then I get them for them! It's great!
Musa: Can I get a spaceship?
[Good Janet motions to a spaceship]
Musa: No, one huge Junior Mint.
[Good Janet holds up a huge Junior Mint]
Musa: No, a Coke.
[Good Janet holds up a Coke. Musa takes it and walks away]

Tahani: You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Chidi: You're not going to the Best Place! Don't you get it? They're torturing you! They're torturing all of us. Because this is the Bad Place.
[camera zooms in on Eleanor and Michael, who cackle maniacally]
Eleanor: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out!
Brent: Wait... he's right? This is the Bad Place?
Eleanor: Yeah. Damn it, he's right.
Michael: We had a good run, though, didn't we?
Eleanor: Yeah, we did.
[they both laugh]
Brent: So no Best Place?
Eleanor: [mockingly] "Oh, so no Best Place?"
Michael: Oh, Brent, you big white oaf! Never change, bud.
Eleanor: Well, I guess we should let 'em know you guys are on your way.
Michael: Yeah.
Brent: Wait. On our way where?
Michael: The actual Bad Place. They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...
[points downward]
Michael: And trust me on this: it's a lot worse.

Chidi: I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English. And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Eleanor: ...Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"

Derek: I know that I've caused you a lot of trouble in the past... Classic Derek.

Chidi: Turns out life isn't just a puzzle to be solved one time and it's done. You wake up every day and you solve it again.
Michael: [wryly] Terribly inefficient.
Chidi: What a time to learn.

Eleanor: Look, this isn't about Chidi not being able to take a joke. This is about you. You're doing what I used to do. You're pulling an Eleanor.
Michael: Posting my cousin's credit card number on Reddit because she said I looked tired?
Eleanor: [Eleanor snorts. They chuckle] I forgot I did that.

Michael: Okay, so that was trolley problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus.
Eleanor: Okay, as much as I'm enjoying watching random people's heads fly off, I think we've taken this trolley thing as far as it can go.

[last lines]
Michael: In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
Eleanor: You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
Michael: [laughs] I just made an aphorism. Hit it, Janet! Next stop, the actual Bad Place!

- Ugh, I forgot it.
- Oh. Can you go?
- I don't wanna go all the way back.
- I ran all the way here and it was so hot.
- I mean, I will happily get it because I told you I would.
- Good person.

- Is it weird that when I picture ancient Greeks,
- I make them really hot?
- Like, to me,
- Aristotle is basically
- John stamos with a beard.
- Honestly, that's kind of how I picture him too.
- Good, same page.

- and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you to your face, but too bad, because I need to say it because you deserve it.
- Because... because...
- Chidi...

- Soothing water sounds twinkling sounds

Eleanor: Whatever. Who even cares?
Michael: I do. Because if everything is determined, and we have no free will, then all the stuff we're doing to put more good into the world is pointless. And I want to believe that it matters. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use my free will right now to go pick up our friends at the airport. Worst possible use of free will, but I'm gonna do it anyway, because I care about them.

- Teacup?
- Hey, have you seen my dog?
- She grunts she gasps shouldn't these be magical trash bags?
- Five more minutes, flyers, five more minutes.
- Oh, man, really?

Chidi: All right, let's see what's on the menu. Literally anything you can possibly imagine. Hmm. What are you thinking?
Eleanor: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." That's what I was thinking about. That sentence.
Chidi: You want to eat that sentence for dinner? Can we eat words? 'Cause I asked Janet about this and... .
Eleanor: No, no, it's the last line of Scanlon's book. Remember?
Chidi: Ah.
Eleanor: The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find these rules will go on forever." I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad. And I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff... and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because it's a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.

Michael: See, the judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Ooh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N' Fruity!
Michael: No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: [beat] Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Hortense: Hey, dudes, welcome to the Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet.
Trevor: Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table? They absolutely nail the swamp stench.
Hortense: Oh, someone's seated there. But if you purchase our Manifest Destiny package for $30, you can have anyone you want forcibly removed from the table.
Eleanor: We'll just sit anywhere.
Hortense: When your table's ready, this gun'll go off.
Chidi: [She hands Chidi a gun, who holds it by the handle with two fingers] I think this is real.

Chidi: Okay, um, if I was the one who failed, can you at least tell me why I failed, for my own edification?
Judge: It took you eighty-two minutes to choose a hat.
Chidi: But did I at least choose the right one?
Judge: There is no right one! They're hats! Come on, man!

Tahani: The problem is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy, no matter which side you're on.

- glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.
- Okay, let's walk through what just happened.
- Jason and tahani came in, revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship...
- I already knew that, and I'm so happy for them.

- Yes, I did. He laughs they love cheesecake and one of them loves intercourse.
- She laughs all right. I'll see you tomorrow, friend.
- He sighs classical guitar plays

Hypatia: I used to be cool, man! I studied so much... things. Art and music and the, uh... the one with the number piles? Where I'd be like, "Two!" and you'd be like, "Six!"
Chidi: Math?
Hypatia: Yes! And then I came here, where time stretched out forever, and every second of my existence was amazing, but my brain became this big, dumb blob.

- helping me out around the neighborhood, kind of like your mayor.
- Vicky sengupta!
- Vicky, would you like to say a few words?
- Actually, Michael,
- I'd like to sing a few words.
- Janet, hit it.

- And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because...
- Maybe the 10015t idea might work.
- Now, I'm gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea.
- I hope you'll join me.
- I hope you shower first and then join me.

Jianyu: When I say I am meditating, I am just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
Eleanor: No Jianyu, we are dead.

- Oh, cool. When I'm even partway through the door to the afterlife, my powers come back.
- They do?
- They do. Thanks for asking.
- You're coming with me.
- Hi there.

Janet: Oh, really? Is it an error to act unpredictably and behave in ways that run counter to how you were programmed to behave?

Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

Michael: Jason, your lifelong dream got old that quickly?
Jason: I mean, monkeys and go-karts was fun for a while. Then I was like, "Oh, you know what'd be cool? Hippos and go-karts." And I was like, "Yo, what about Draculas with jet packs?" I did, like, fifty combos, and then I just kinda wanted to hang out with you guys again.
Hypatia: Okay, that's it in a nutshell. 'Cause you get here and you realize that anything's possible, so you do everything, and then you're done. But you still have infinity left. This place kills fun and passion and excitement and love, 'till all you have left are milkshakes.

Chidi: [after a near miss by a falling air conditioner] That, that is right where I was standing! I was frozen here, unable to make a single decision, and I almost got crushed by an air conditioner. This is a sign... I shouldn't be using air conditioners. The freon is awful for the environment.
Uzo: That's the lesson you take from this?

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot...
Janet: Not a robot.
Jason: Girl...
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight up hottie...
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Jason: Any of us could have ever asked for.

- because you'll always be right next to each other...
- For eternity.
- Okay, I'm gonna let you two get acquainted.
- I'm sure you have a lot to not talk about.
[Uaughs] Because...
- Well, you get it, you get it.

Eunice: I was so sorry to hear of your parents' passing. Please bear with me as I share their last will and testament. "To Kamilah, we have left £68 million, the home in Kensington, the yacht, and other assorted weekend boats."
Tahani: Well, what did they leave their second favorite child?
Eunice: There's still quite a lot of, um, money and property that goes to you. There is one issue, however. They have, um, spelled your name incorrectly in the will.
Tahani: You've got to be kidding me.
Eunice: It says "We bequeath the rest of our estate to Tahini." Like the sauce.
Tahani: You know what? I don't want the money. My sister can have it all. My whole life, I have lived in your shadow, but now I'm going to step out of it. I am going to achieve heights of success and sophistication that you can only dream of.
Kamilah: Your cardigan's on inside out.
Tahani: I know! It's a new trend that I'm starting. Just one example of how I'm going to step out of your shadow.

Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the past three hundred years, so seriously, where the fork are we?
[realizes her curse word has been filtered]
Eleanor: Fork. Shirt. Ash hole.
[gasps]
Eleanor: Holy forking shirtballs... we're in the Good Place!

Tahani: [Referring to Michael's list of ways to improve a person's score] And besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life for others" or "change the consciousness of a nation"... both of which I did, by the way... such fun!

- You can sit on that bench as long as you'd like, and whenever you're ready, you just walk through.
- I'm ready.

Eleanor: A police officer came to my home and told me that my mom had been accidentally trampled to death when she bent down to adjust her toe ring at a Rascal Flatts concert.
Michael: That police officer was an actor. See, about a month before, your mom had gotten drunk, wandered into a charity auction, and bid $30,000 for a date with Gene Simmons, outbidding everyone else by $29,800. She didn't want to pay, so she faked her death, moved to Nevada, and reinvented herself as Diana Tremaine.
Eleanor: Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name. - I -
[gasps]
Eleanor: How dare she steal the identity I stole?

- See?
- Anything you want from Janet?
- Can I have...
- A peppermint?
- Sure.
- I'm gonna go over there now.
- Stonehenge was a sex thing.

- Janet, could you please locate the file for an Eleanor shellstrop born in 1982. yes.
- Phoenix, Arizona, usa.
- Sure! Anything else?
- No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.
- This might take a while.
Janet: Wee!

- So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.
- Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
- Yep. Ten more, buddy.
- People good. People good.
- Why is that so hard to remember?
- People... what is it?

Eleanor: You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but... it's kinda doing it for me. Should we get out of here? No, but I like the confidence!
Chidi: Well, when you have a thousand different versions of you over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.
Michael: [grinning] You saw the Time Knife, didn't you?
Chidi: Yep. Saw the Time Knife.
[shrugs]
Chidi: It was neat.

Scott: We're closing up soon, guys.
Michael: Yeah, can we just have 15 minutes? We're kind of in the middle of something.
Scott: I'd take off if I were you. The second we close, they use this place to shoot pornos.

[with Michael's support, Vicky has successfully implemented the new system into his afterlife project]
Janet: [to Michael] You got the rock up the hill. And it looks like it's gonna stay there. Now we just have to find your next rock.

- I'm going to tell you the same thing
- I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo saverin.
- You are smart. You are capable and the time has come to hit "unfriend."
- I also told Mark to lose the "the."
- You know, just "Facebook."
- That was me.

Brent: [clinging to the side of a giant hell hole] I'm not scared! I'm shouting so you know I'm okay. I am very brave.

Peaches: Okay, final tally: 43 votes for Diana Tremaine, 12 votes for Eileen Capshaw, and one vote for Bofa Deeznutz.
Eleanor: [Michael looks at Eleanor] God, don't look at me like that. You're not my real dad.

- lifting me up or calling me out...
- I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.
- Eleanor, in a word, you're dope as hell.
- I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.

Brent: Well, right at the beginning, I talked to Mike and Eleanor, and they were like, "Yeah, don't tell anyone this, but there's a place better than this: the Best Place. And that's where you're headed, amigo."
Chidi: I don't think they actually called you amigo.
Brent: I had to go through the year here. Kind of a test, I guess, which, obviously, I aced. So at midnight, I'm in the first Escalade out of here, baby.
Simone: Brent.
Brent: Yeah?
Simone: Think about this.
Brent: Okay.
Simone: How could YOU get into the Best Place? You would literally have to be one of the most incredible people in the universe.
Brent: [He pauses, thinking] I mean, it makes sense to me. I don't know what to tell you.

Janet: Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
Michael: Look, I know she did well on the first test, but it's beginner's luck. There's an X factor here. A secret sauce that only I truly know how to... pour over the the juicy steak of this process.
Janet: I've never said this before but... what?

Megan: [watching Vicky's test for Tahani] Okay, so, like, her parents were the chainsaw bear... but instead of chopping off her head, they chopped off her self-esteem?
Vicky: Yes, Megan, good! Take what you know about them and then force them into moments of personal difficulty. Think of it as flattening the penises of their heart.
Steve: Oh! Now it makes sense!

Vicky: Now, first, I need to get into Tahani's headspace.
[British accent]
Vicky: 'Ello, love. Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles. I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn.
[normal voice]
Vicky: Yeah, there she is.

Jason: No, no! Homies! Check it, 'cause there's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL Red Zone Channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but... I think we're in the Bad Place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
[snaps his fingers to reset]

The: Chidi, don't go. I don't care if you don't love me. I love you. It's the only thing that makes sense to me in this crazy world. And I...
Michael: No, stop, Vicki. They figured it out.
The: They...?
Michael: They know it's the Bad Place. Eleanor figured it out.
The: [dropping her act] Ugh, man! This was supposed to be my big moment! I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours! Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst.
[turning to leave]
The: You can all suck it.

- Not bad.
- None of this is bad.
- I need you to do me one last favor.
- Mm-hmm?
- Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.

Michael: You telling me that there's not one single demon who wants to design the very first sample test of this new system?
Vicky: [enters and poses seductively in the door frame] Oh, there is. And she's a stone cold fox.

Tahani: Let's practice. I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude. Can I have a glass of water?
Janet: [hands Tahani a glass of water] Here you go.
Tahani: No. Let's try again. Be mean. Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?
Janet: No. I would never give you that, you... dumb person...
Tahani: Janet, what's that behind your back?
Janet: Nothing.
Tahani: Give it to me.
Janet: [sheepishly] It's a glass of water. And a back-up glass. Ooh, boy.

Chidi: Michael is looking like me. That's bad.

Eleanor: We threw Brent in there because there is no reason any of them should help him because Brent sucks. Brent is the opposite of a box of doughnuts.
Jason: Toilet full of broccoli.
Eleanor: Yeah, kinda, Brent is a toilet full of broccoli. But because he sucks so bad, if they do risk their safety to help him, they'll get more points.
Jason: Basically it's a Hail Mary. It's risky, but if we complete it, we win the game.
Tahani: [to Eleanor] That was two good analogies in a row. I'm now worried that he's a demon in a Jason suit.

Bad: [sarcastically] People who get books as gifts always read them.

Janet: Hi, Jason. I love you.
Jason: Oh, word?
Janet: Word. I've been avoiding telling you. My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization. This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is: I love you. And I hereby stop avoiding the topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.
Chidi: [slowly] Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.
Janet: All right. Whatever. You're not really a part of this, Chidi.
Jason: [takes Janet's hands] Hey, guess what? I think I love you too, girl.
Janet: I'm not a girl. I'm also not a Janet anymore. I don't know what I am!

Michael: The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?

Simone: [Chidi is in an MRI machine] I'm just going to ask you some basic questions, Chidi. What is one plus one?
Chidi: Two.
Simone: What color is the sky?
Chidi: Blue.
Eleanor: [Interrupts] What color are Simone's eyes?
Chidi: [Without thinking] Brown. Uh uh, what?
Eleanor: If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her?
Chidi: Sorry, is this part of the experiment?
Simone: It is now, yes. Please answer the question. And keep in mind, we can see your brain.

Eleanor: I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

Tahani: In 2007, Blake Lively invited me to a birthday party held for Leonardo DiCaprio aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.
John: I see we're dropping names three at a time now.
Tahani: The guest list was one hundred of the wealthiest, most famous members of the glitterati. Once aboard, I discovered there was a VIP deck. And within that area, there was an even more exclusive room that you could only access with a secret PIN, which I promptly entered. And guess who was waiting for me.
John: I hate to admit it, but I have to know. Who?
Tahani: No one. I was the only one there. The party raged on outside, but I was so obsessed with status that I never left. I spent the entire night talking to no one.
John: Riveting story. If only it were longer and sadder.
Tahani: The point is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy, no matter which side you're on.

Donkey: Oh dip. You got religious and shiz?

- my first neighbourhood, to be perfect.
- Somehow I blew it and...
- Now you're all suffering and for that, I'm deeply sorry.
- This is truly the saddest day of my life.
- Joll y circus mus/c

[first lines]
Judge: Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like, the most nothing.

Michael: Look, I don't know what to tell you. If Chidi can't take a joke, that's on him. Just like all that blood was.
[chuckles, raises his hand for a high-five]
Eleanor: I can't high-five that! No matter how badly I want to.

Simone: Look, wherever we are, I do not want to be here when the clock hits zero, okay? Now might be our only chance to escape.
Chidi: Not without Brent.
John: Do you really think if the roles were reversed he would waste any time rescuing you?
Chidi: Maybe, if Elle Macpherson were nearby and he wanted to impress her or he thought I was a prince he could ransom. That's not the point. He is a person in a hole! I have a duty to help get him out. What he would do is irrelevant.
Simone: I don't think it is. If you do a science experiment a thousand times and always get the same result, you move on. We've given Brent a thousand chances to be a good person. In one of them, he was so awful, you punched him in the face.
Chidi: Okay, but when I did that, I thought cutting him out of our group meant that he would have to find another place *in Heaven* to hang out. That's changed. I can't just leave him.
[pause]
Simone: Well... I respect your position.
Chidi: [face falls] I respect yours.
[Simone walks away and gets into Brent's Escalade]
John: Look, I know everything's really scary right now, but I just have to say it: that was the most boring breakup I've ever seen.

Trevor: [on Mindy's neighborhood orientation tape] Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...
Beadie: They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
Trevor: Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
Beadie: We got you your favorite beer.
Trevor: Yeah, but it's always warm.
Beadie: On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
Trevor: Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.
Beadie: You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.

Tahani: Would anyone like a cup of antimatter?
Beadie: Sure. I take mine with non-dairy neutrinos.

Shawn: I took the form of a 45 year-old white man for a reason; I can only fail up.

Damon: [Chidi is in a daze after learning about the afterlife] Hey, you wanna talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Damon: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!
[Runs off]

Simone: Jason? Are you okay there, mate?
Jason: No. I have to watch the Jaguars games alone on my computer at, like, two in the morning on Mondays. It's so annoying. Everything here is in a... I don't know how to describe it. Like, a different zone of time. No, that sounds stupid. A different clock land.

Chidi: I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you're doing!

Chidi: I am not going to have sex with someone to get them to stop talking to me.
Eleanor: Really? You and I are very different.
Chidi: Yeah, I noticed.

Shawn: Well, well, well. Looks like Michael's been caught with his hand in the human jar.
Glenn: Good one boss.
Shawn: Shut up, Glenn!

Chidi: There is an old Chinese proverb: Lies are like tigers, they are bad.
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: It's more poetic in Mandarin.

Michael: And finally, Chidi. You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out.
[Janet hands Michael a weathered notebook]
Michael: This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant. It contains never-before-seen thoughts and musings, and several... uh, crude erotic drawings. Interesting guy, actually. The point is, no one on Earth has ever seen this... except for you.
Chidi: Cool.
[Chidi takes the notebook and drops it into the trash without even a glance]
Chidi: This isn't an apology. It's a bribe, and I'm not interested.
Eleanor: [mouth full of jumbo shrimp] Yeah, we can't be bought.
Michael: What do you want from me, man? You want me to give you a golden nameplate for your office? Or you want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?
Tahani: No! Then this would be worthless.
Chidi: I don't want anything.
Michael: [scoffs] Oh. Oh, okay. Ah, I get it, I get it. You want me to admit that I was wrong. You want me to say, "Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry. Because I didn't understand human ethics and you do, it made me feel insecure and I lashed out. And, oh, please help me, because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."
Chidi: Yes.
[pause]
Michael: [heartfelt] Oh, Chidi, I am so sorry. I, um... I didn't understand human ethics, and you do. And it made me feel insecure, and I lashed out. And I really need your help, because I feel... so lost and vulnerable.

- It feels like
- I'm on my way home.
- Flying puppy!
- You're almost there!
- Just a little further.
- Flying puppies?
- Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood?
- These guys are good.

Judge: [returning from her visit to earth] Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all. Woof! Also, I guess I'm black? And they do not like black ladies down there. Crap, y'all.

Chidi: There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try". Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.
Eleanor: I've got an idea of something we could try.
Chidi: Great. What?
[Eleanor smiles coyly]
Chidi: Oh. Wait, I think I know. Well, I don't want to assume. What if we both write down what we think you mean...
Eleanor: What if we didn't?
[She grabs him and they race up the stairs]

- Do I really need to keep going?
- Okay. This is dinner tonight, breakfast tomorrow.
- I have an idea. This is in case of emergency.
- This is in case of emergency.
- Do not eat this unless it's an emergency.
- Wow. I'm ready to be a mom.

- Oh, I sure would, little buddy.
- You know, maybe you should dictate and I should type.
- Good call.
- Just laying out some early details.
- Go ahead and start dictating.
- ♪ and eat them both up I

Michael: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
Jason: Mm hmm?
Michael: Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away.

Chidi: As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm. And although five people will die, I cannot harm one innocent person to save them and forsake my oath. It's unethical.
Michael: Okay. Tell their families.
Chidi: What?
[Michael transports them to a hospital waiting room]
Birdie: Doctor Chidi? My daddy needed a heart transplant. Did you save his life? He was working, then a really bad man ran him over with a trolley.
Chidi: Oh! Come on!
Michael: What? I'm finding this incredibly helpful. I think I'm really starting to get it.

- And you know what the worst part is?
- He doesn't remember the name of my favorite football player.
- Definitely not the worst part.
- It is to me.
- Blake bortles is a cool name.
- Derek bortles is a dumb name.

- And you are gonna take a deep breath, stand up, open that door and say,
- "hi, John. I'm Michael.
- I'm the architect.
- Come on in.“ Got it?
- Hi, John. I'm Eleanor.
- I'm the architect. Come on in.

Eleanor: There's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious!
Judge: It is! It is so good!

Janet: [disguised as a waitress] Can I get you started with some drinks? Our specialty cocktail tonight is the Fourth of July. It's half an apple pie blended with Southern Comfort and Coca-Cola, served in a Chevy hubcap.

Michael: [all laid back] I mean, anger is toxic. I'm not about that negativity. Mi torture es su torture. I am so happy you're in charge. Okay, well, good. Namaste, chica.
[chuckles]
Michael: Do you want to dance?
Vicky: No.
Michael: Okay. I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.

- and we're both only children.
- I'm sorry, I forgot about you.
- Hey! Can I get an Irish enema?
- That's baileys and sprite in a ziplock bag.
- Excuse me, do I look like a waitress to you?
- Here.

Tahani: That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

- of whatever city they're doing that in now.
- Love it.
- I'm gonna walk around my old neighborhood.
- See where I used to live.
- Meet you at the restaurant?
- Yeah.
- All right.

Michael: Is that a good Janet or a bad Janet?
Janet: That is a neutral Janet. She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet World... or blank sheep I guess... Oww, I can throw shade now, that's cool.

- They made a mistake.
- Total phony. So, shh!
- Okay. Later, man.
- Okay, I vaguely remember that.
- I believe you, Jason.
- You're not supposed to be here.
- Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

- finally put on his big boy demon pants.
- So what's the story?
- Another one of your attempts to prove that humans are “good" and "worthy of respect“ and not
- "big fat sacks of dookie"?
- Something like that.
- Are you ready?
- One thing, real quick, before you start.

Simone: [Explaining the MRI machine] Each of you will get a chance in here eventually. Hopefully none of you's claustrophobic?
Jason: Claustrophobic? Who'd ever be scared of Santa Claus? Ohhh, the Jewish.
Eleanor: Are you from Florida?
Jason: Jacksonville.
Eleanor: Yeahhhh...

Jason: Janet, you're not gonna rat us out, right?
Janet: Well, Jason, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last one and a third milliseconds. I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy. And since you're the only actual humans here, I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.
Eleanor: Okay. Bring it in. Team huddle. The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor, four dum-dums, and a robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Eleanor: We can do this.

Tahani: I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz. Excited, incredulous, much taller than everyone else around me.

Tahani: Okay, well, let's reset. I'll do something mildly iffy, and let John make a small, good decision to help. I could tell him I'm going to get ombré highlights and let him talk me out of it.
Eleanor: What's wrong with ombré highlights?
Tahani: Eleanor, please. This week has been hard enough.

- he's trying to steal my girlfriend.
- Yeah, you don't need to justify it.
- Again, I do it all the time.
- No, no, no, mindy, please wait, don't kill me!
- Oh... it's you? [Laughing]
- Okay, well, you certainly don't have the dereks to...

Eleanor: Of all the human stuff I've been able to experience in this neighborhood, nachos, number one, easy.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: Yeah. I mean, salty, crunchy, cheesy, a little bit of a kick. Name one better thing humans have created.
Chidi: The Sistine Chapel?
Eleanor: Pffft, paint on a ceiling.

Eleanor: [crying] Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.

Eleanor: You're a nice person, Chidi... Anaconda.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: Agano... comonga.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: Ags... say it again.
Chidi: Anagonye.
Eleanor: No, say what you said before.
Chidi: I did. It's Anagonye.
Eleanor: You just changed it.
Chidi: I didn't change it. It's my name.
Eleanor: Agru... grande. Ariana Grande.
[gasps]
Eleanor: That's a person. I did it!

Eleanor: So... you go back to your old life, chill with your floating Derek head, and when Tahani gets certified, you enter the system. Tahani designs your test. Deal?
Mindy St. Claire: Why not? Something new.
[pause]
Mindy St. Claire: Thanks for giving a crap about me. I don't really give a crap about myself, so it's nice that someone does. I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.
Eleanor: [smiles] Me, too.

Tahani: This is do depressing. I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.
Jason: That's why you're doing this. It's what you're best at. Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.
Eleanor: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, the true joy's in the mystery.

- Um, I have to go to this stupid work party tonight.
- Can I borrow your peach dress?
- Ooh, it's a hard no, babe.
- That dress is like twice your salary.
- And I gotta go to the dmv and pick up my vanity plates. Ciao, bitches!
- Door closes

Mindy St. Claire: You always end up going back. I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad your friends don't know what you know. Sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating, and sometimes you go back because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating. But no matter what, you always go back.

Eleanor: Where's Chidi?
Janet: Oh, he's on the toilet. Sorry, that's not enough information.

Michael: In version one, making them soulmates, we probably bit off more than we could chew.
Chuck: We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them.
Michael: That's an expression, Chuck.

Chidi: I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: [laughs] I have no idea how normal people meet.
Eleanor: [affectionately] You're such a nerd.

- If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon so what we need to do now is just be very still...
- Whispers: And very quiet.
- Finally!
Michael: Oh, come...
Chidi: What did he just say?
- Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Jason: Oh, dip! You're back!
Janet: [shocked] Jason?
Jason: Yeah!
Janet: What... but... how... why...
Jason: Funny story. Remember how I made you something, but I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?
Janet: Uh-huh.
Jason: Turns out it was in my other pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but I knew it wasn't you.
Janet: Jason, it's been, like, a thousand bearamies.
Jason: I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait. I just sort of sat quietly and let my mind drift away. Thought about you and the infinity of the universe.
Janet: Kind of like a monk.
Jason: [frowns] What do you mean?
[puts the locket around Janet's neck]
Jason: Looks good, not-a-girl.
[Jason and Janet share one last kiss]
Jason: Chidi, wait up!
[Janet smiles as she watches Jason go through the arch]

Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun; for us, obviously. Not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies?
[laughter; a whiteboard is rolled in]
Michael: I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment: four people perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I am going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things, like pulling out each other's teeth, is like... I can't think of the right analogy.

- and make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
- Sure.
- Um, you need a kleenex?
- Thank you.
- Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.
- A family pack?

Michael: Okay, so couple of things. We're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember?
Megan: Right. Okay, yeah. What else?
Michael: It was mainly that one thing.

Henry: [Repeated line] This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.

- Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me?
- Guess they must've made up.
- Focus.
- There'll be fergies a-plenty in the good place.

Eleanor: So it sounds to me like you are on board the "help Eleanor" train.
Chidi: Well, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: yes and no.

Shawn: [Shawn appears holding a lit match] Aw man, I had just gotten all the puppies to climb into the cannon.

- Going somewhere else.
- Hi.
- G'day. Where you headed?
- St. John's university, please.
- No worries.
- Do you wanna talk to god?
- What?
- No. Get away from me, freak.

- Soul mate? Yes.
- Every person in the good place has one perfect match.
- In an hour, come on by the little house that looks like a face and get the answer to your ultimate question.
- Her name's Eleanor.

Michael: Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so. That was some quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed. And to be honest, I'm relieved. At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast. But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.
Tahani: Next time?
Chidi: What?
Michael: Yeah.
Eleanor: He's gonna do it again.
[she crumples up the note and puts it in her mouth]
Michael: That's not gonna work this time, dummy.

Doug: Don't worry about Raymond. He's just a local sociopath who comes by my house to take advantage of me.

Eleanor: [about the loopty-loop afterlife timeline that looks like a signature] Sorry. I'm... my brain is melting. How can events happen before the ones that happened before?
Michael: It's just the way it works. It's, it's Jeremy Bearimy. I don't know what to tell you. That's the easiest way to describe it.
Chidi: Okay, but, um... what the hell is this? The dot over the I, what the hell is that?
Michael: Okay, um, how do I explain this concisely? This... is Tuesdays. And also July.
Janet: And sometimes it's never.
Michael: That's true. Occasionally that moment on the Bearimy timeline is the time-moment when nothing... never occurs. So you get it.
Chidi: This broke me! The dot, over the I. That broke me. I'm, I'm done.

Eleanor: Whenever anyone tells me a story about their life, I always imagine all the people as being super hot. Otherwise, I quickly lose interest. Do you not do that? You can do it for free.

[Janet has accidentally blown up Glenn]
Janet: That was not supposed to happen. I've never killed anyone before.
Michael: No, don't worry. Demons can't die. He'll slowly re-form himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth: larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, uh, social media CEO and then, finally, demon.

Eleanor: Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza. I guess you don't really have fun anywhere, which is the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.
Chidi: So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door. Um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete, and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it, and your time in the universe will end.
Tahani: You don't have to go through it if you don't want to, but you can, and hopefully, knowing that you don't have to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
Paltibaal: What will happen when we go through it?
Janet: Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful and your journey will be over.
Michael: You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door and be at peace.

- I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.
- Already? I mean, that's so fast.
- Well, when you know you know.
- And we know literally everything.
- We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...
- Derek!

Michael: Janet, I can't reboot you. That will intensify your feelings for Jason, and that's what got us into this mess in the first place.
Janet: I'm not saying reboot me. I'm saying set me to self-destruct.
Michael: [reading a page in the manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose and insert paper clip into small hole behind left ear."
Janet: Yeah, right here.
Michael: "Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube, or eaten as a mid-day snack."
Janet: I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!
Michael: "A new Janet will need to be procured in order to return the neighborhood to functionality."
Janet: Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal. Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space.

Michael: Now I'm about to show you some very sensitive information. The final point totals each of you achieved for your actions on earth.
[Drags his fingers through the air to produce the numbers on a virtual screen]
Chidi: Wow, your point total was crazy high, Eleanor!
Eleanor: [Giggles] Sorry - Crazy High Eleanor was my nickname in college.

- The whole group is splintering.
- Okay, new emergency plan.
- I'll deal with Eleanor.
- I... I know it's risky, but I don't think she'll recognize me.
- And I'll deal with sweet cheeks... I mean,
- Jason's butt... I mean, Jason.

Tahani: [to Michael] It's obvious what's going on here. You don't want your nemesis to be the one to solve your problem.
Janet: I know that feeling. Once, on Earth, I didn't know something, and I had to ask Alexa. I felt dirty.

Eleanor: I don't know if what I'm going to say will hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it is like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So...
[Shrugs shoulders]
Eleanor: We're all a little bit sad, all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah, it is, but we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try to ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there - everybody's been there. So don't fight it. And in the words of a very wise Bed, Bath and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger".