Top 300 Quotes From Justin Roiland

Mr. Nimbus: I used to fear you, respect you! Now all that's left is pity for a sad, drunk shell of a man too afraid to see how alone he truly is. If Diane were alive today, what would she...
Rick: Don't fucking establish canonical backstory with me, you Red Lobster motherfucker!

Rick: And that's why I always say Shlum-Shlum Shlippity-dop!

Morty: Hey, hey, Arthricia, um, maybe I could...
Arthricia: Yeah uh, I have a boyfriend.
Morty: Okay.
Arthricia: I'm not trying to be rude. I just... I don't want to lead you on.
Morty: I-I-I understand.
Arthricia: I mean, thank you SO much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he's just...
Morty: Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just, repeating stuff.
Arthricia: Oh, I'm sorry.
Morty: It's okay.
Arthricia: Oh, you're so sweet. I just... oh, but I can't.
Morty: Yeah, you're still doing it.

Rick: I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big fat Morty. That's my new word for shit, because of today's events.

Glorzo's: Glorzo is peace. Peace is Glorzo.
Morty: Wow, just cogs in the machine, you know? Ma-makes you think...
Rick: Yeah, I'm sure you'll make this into a beautiful short film that your parents'll pay for, Morty, but right now, we really just need to find my ship.

Beth: Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
Rick: Trust me Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.

Morty: Can you fly a Black Hawk?
Obama: Can the Pope's Dick fit through a Donut?
Morty: I'm not sure.
Obama: Exactly!

Rick: Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then, because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?

Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?
[grabs cookie box, eats cookie and starts walking away]
Rick: Mm!
[stops and looks back at Jerry, Summer, and Beth]
Rick: Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers". I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Rick: Come with me!
Birdperson: To... some place nearby?
Rick: Anywhere, everywhere!
Birdperson: Rick, I don't expect you to keep fighting, but this war is...
Rick: Far from over, I know.
[pulls out his dimension gun]
Rick: Dude, I shared this with nobody. But I can take you right now to the same battlefield in a universe where we lost, or another where we won, or another where the war never even happened. All equally real, all equally unreal. None of it manners.
Birdperson: Then why did you help?
Rick: Because I respect you. And I wanted you to know you could respect me.
Birdperson: Even though nothing matters?
Rick: Okay... you matter, to me.

Jessica: [On the phone] Come back, Morty. I miss you.
Morty: You miss the old me. You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.
Jessica: How do you know I don't want to love you?
Morty: Because I'm not sick.
[He hangs up]

Morty: There's snakes in space?
Rick: There's literally everything in space!

Jerry: Okay, I'll bite. What's with the talking cat?
Rick: It's a dragon, dip knob.
Jerry: I know that's a dragon. I'm talking about the talking cat in my bedroom.
Rick: Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon and you a talking cat at the same time? Those concepts bump. If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto or fucked my daughter.
Jerry: Okay, there's really no need to get savage.

[Rick is unmoved by Morty's arguments that he should be happy at his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Rick: Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advise about stuff you know nothing about and a *lot* of vodka.
Bartender: Mm-hm. I have a lot of vodka.
Rick: Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest.

Rick: Rick: We're gonna be fine, Morty, relax. I whipped up an antidote. It's based on praying mantis DNA. You know, praying mantis's are the exact opposite of voles, Morty. They mate once and then, you know, they decapitate the partner, it's, it's a whole ritual, it's totally gruesome and totally opposite... there's no love at all... I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus, it should neutralize the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be over very shortly.
[Flies over crowd screaming for Morty, dropping the chemical]
Rick: Rick: "By the way, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums don't work on anyone related to you genetically.
[the crowd pauses, silent. Suddenly there's screaming, and many of them begin turning into crazy praying mantis monsters, including Jessica]
Rick: Rick: Okay, well, sometimes science is more art than science Morty. A lot of people don't realize that.

Morty: Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs.
Rick: Oh, yeah? Where's that?
[belch]
Rick: Are you goin' on a quest to find "he who smelt it?"
Fart: I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "get out of my head, Fart, I know you're in here, la la la la." No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Rick: Show him the crystals, Morty.
[Shows 10 red crystals]
Crime: [Taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals] Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these.
Rick: [Taking the grey crystals] And I'll make lots of those with these.

Morty: Why... Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them.
Rick: You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel all so they could try to kill a little shit sack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car!

Rick: Every breath I take without your permission raises my self-esteem!

Rick: You guys, we gotta hurry! I just got back from Wal-Mart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for one forty-nine ninety nine on sale! Plus, every time you buy one you get a fifty dollar gift card, brings the total price down to a hundred and ten dollars after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for two hundred and thirty bucks a piece easy! They're all limited edition Zelda ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich and we also all get to keep one and we can play... Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff!

Rick: So, ah, wh-what are we doing?
Morty: [Pointing a gun at Rick] Stop asking questions. Stop doing meta-commentary. Just have fun. We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.
Rick: Okay, y'know what? It would really help if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.
Morty: I like Mr Meeseeks.
Rick: Okay, now we're talking. Y'know what, I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment. So maybe Fascist Rick does too.
[Morty opens glove compartment and takes out Meeseeks box]
Rick: Ah, well look at that, now we're doing something we've done before.
[Rick presses on box, Meeseeks appears]
Mr: I'm Mr Meeseeks!
Rick: [Points at Morty] Kill this Nazi prick!

Morty: You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you were sitting on your ass at peace summits.
The: Peace summits are important!
Morty: Oh yeah! They work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

Rick: Get Schwifty

Rick: We did it Morty! Now, lets get out of here and destroy this whole universe!
Business: [taxi driver is confused] Excuse Me?

- Just want to be a part of the fun.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here, summer!
Rick: Fucking disgusting!
Morty: Get out of here!
Rick: You ruined the season 4 premiere!
- The season 4 premiere, you ruined it!

Rick: Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooo, oh boy Rick, I-I don't think you're allowed to say that word. Ya know?
Rick: Uh Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Ok but yeah, I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well that's retarded.

Rick: Whatever you say you little punk ass little bitch.

Rick: They named a holiday after me. Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school!
Zeep: I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oh, snap!

Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the temporal field I'll be able to interact with any sentient life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of electricity via a pulley-based device I call a bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...
Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.
Rick: It's showtime.
Zeep: You do realise this will make the flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...
[Rick mimes along]
Zeep: This is slavery, you're talking about creating a planet of slaves.
Rick: Told you, Zeep.
Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...
Zeep: That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.
[Rounds on Rick]
Rick: What?
Zeep: Wait a minute, did you create my universe? Is my universe a miniverse?
Rick: Microverse!
Kyle: I prefer teenyverse.
Zeep: [Flicks off Rick's antennae] You bastard!
[Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight]
Zeep: Much obliged!
Kyle: What the hell is happening?
Morty: Ah, this is healthy, trust me.
Rick: You're my battery motherfucker, that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank! It's wack!
Kyle: Are they not really aliens?
Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?
Kyle: So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe, and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died. Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe?
Morty: Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like old lady science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!
[Kyle drives his craft into a cliff and it explodes]

Rick: Merchandise Morty, your only purpose in life is to buy & consume merchandise and you did it, you went into a store an actual honest to god store and you bought something, you didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints you just looked into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said 'yes daddy please' and I'm so proud of you, I only wish you could have bought more, I love buying things so much Morty.

- The pickle man, an old wives' tale.
- He crawls from bowls of cold soup to steal the dreams of wasteful children.
Rick: That'd be a lucky break for you.
- Go, shoot to kill.
- Aaah!

Rick: Morty, there's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on this antenna, these people need to think we're aliens

Beth: Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?
Morty: Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?
Rick: [Long pause] Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.

Rick: Oh, well, I can't cure death.

Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a Pickle!

Rick: That's the way the news goes.

- Let me just adjust my seismic-to-English translator.
Gaia: Rick. You came.
Morty: W-where is she?
Rick: You're looking at her.
- I-I-I-I don't understand.
- Isn't it obvious, morty?
- I fucked a planet.

[Beth calls Rick in a knockoff "Star Wars" cantina]
Rick: I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
Beth: Oh, when can you?
Rick: Good point.
[burps]
Rick: What's up?
Beth: Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?
Rick: Mm-hmm.
Beth: Am I the clone?
Rick: Sorry. What?
Beth: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
Rick: [noncommittal] No.
Beth: Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Rick: [sighs] Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
Beth: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
Rick: All good?
Beth: Totally. I'm fine now.
Rick: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
Beth: [noncommittal] No.
Rick: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
[Rick hangs up]
Beth: [breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!

- Please don't shoot.
- I-I'm the vagina guy, remember?
- Whoa! What is happening to me?
- Where is this? Where am I?
- Am I dead?
- A-Am I... am I still alive?
Rick: Those aren't the questions you should be asking.
- Huh?!
- Shh!

Night: [Hissing] Why won't you rinse your dishes?
Night: It takes two seconds.
Night: If you don't, the schmutz dries and makes the dish harder to clean.
Night: [Hissing] Rinse your dishes!
Night: [Hissing] Rinse! Rinse!

Rick: To Summer: But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.

Rick: It might eat brains and exhale space AIDS!

Rick: What do you think about that?
Morty: I think my voice is annoying.
Rick: It is, and it's your best quality.
Morty: So true...

Rick: I don't give a fuck about your penis Morty!

Rick: You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your Pornhub account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account?

Rick: Good pitches, kids, I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
Insectoid: Mr President, the blemphlark's value just dropped to nothing!
Insectoid: What do you mean?
Insectoid: I mean our single centralised Galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to being worth zero of itself.
Insectoid: Calm down people! Deploy the Galactic Militia and declare martial law.
Insectoid: Yes sir! What shall I pay them with?
Insectoid: Their payment will be the honour they feel to serve... wait a minute, who's paying me to yell at this guy?
Insectoid: I can answer that, for money!
Insectoid: Gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.
[Shoots himself]

Rick: Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!

Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary.

Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the Temporal Field I'll be able to interact with any Sentient Life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of Electricity via a Pulley-based Device I call a Bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...
Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.
Rick: It's showtime.
Zeep: You do realise this will make the Flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...
[Rick mimes along]
Zeep: This is slavery, you're talking about creating a Planet of Slaves.
Rick: Told you, Zeep.
Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...
Zeep: That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.
[Rounds on Rick]
Rick: What?
Zeep: Wait a minute, did you create my Universe? Is my Universe a Miniverse?
Rick: Microverse!
Kyle: I prefer teenyverse.
Zeep: [Flicks off Rick's antennae] You bastard!
[Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight]
Zeep: Much obliged!
Kyle: What the Hell is happening?
Morty: Ah, this is Healthy, trust me.
Rick: You're my battery mother****** that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a ******* lobster tank! It's Wack!
Kyle: Are they not really Aliens?
Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?
Kyle: So he made a Universe, and that guy is from that Universe, and that guy made a Universe, and that's the Universe where I was born? Where my Father died. Where I couldn't make time for his Funeral because I was working on my Universe?
Morty: Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like Old Lady Science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!
[Kyle drives his craft into a Cliff and it explodes]

Rick: Let that ointment sit for 10 minutes or you'll die. Don't let it sit for 12 or I'll have to hunt down what you become.

Rick: There is no god Summer... you got to rip that bandaid off now, you'll thank me later

Rick: Morty, I don't want to be the 'a little help' guy, but, a little help!

Rick: The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. Nine out of ten times it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! One out of ten times it's a deadly trap, but... I'm ready to roll those dice!

Rick: I'm not looking for judgement, just a yes or no. Can you assimilate a giraffe?

Rick: Haha, yeah! Atlantis baby!
Morty: That was amazing.
Rick: You got some of that mermaid puss.
Morty: I'm really hoping it isn't a one off thing and I can see her again. By the way, hey um, still not curious about what might have happened at that crazy citadel place
Rick: Not at all, Morty. That place will not have any bearings over our lives ever again, unlike that mermaid puss. Yeah! We're going back for seconds! We're gonna do that shit every week man! That was Atlantis.
Morty: [while Rick talks] Yeah! Yeah! Oh shit!

Summer: [answering space phone] Hello?
Rick: Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor.
Summer: I can barely hear you.
Jerry: Who is it?
Rick: Morty and I are on a planet that's purging. I need you to take down...
Summer: A plan that's what?
Rick: We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun and we're in a purge.
Jerry: Ooh! Is it Taddy Mason?
Summer: Like the movie The Purge?
Rick: Yes, I-I need you to take...
Summer: That movie sucked.
Rick: [exasperated] Oh my god! Hold on.
[puts phone on speaker and sets it down]
Jerry: ...It's not Taddy Mason?
Summer: Dad! Who the fuck is Taddy Mason!

Summer: Wow, Dad. Your place looks way less like a crackhouse.
Morty: It's actually clean, like a cocaine house. Dad, what's going on?

Meeseeks: We are created to serve a singular purpose, for which we will go at any lengths to fulfill!

Morty: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
Rick: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.

Mr. Nimbus: Say goodbye to your precious dry land, for soon it will be wet! WET!
Rick: Yeah, global warming's already doing that, asshole!

Rick: I want cookies and a 90-minute cut of 'Avatar.'

Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to a giant prison. You know if someone drops the soap it's going to land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Rick: Nice, Morty! The student has become the teacher.

Simple: [Mumbling while unconscious, plugged into a Matrix-esque exploitation machine] Daddy loves you. You're Daddies' good girl.
Assembly: [Angrily, Indignantly] Your life is a lie, man. All your lives are lives! Don't you get it? They told we were special because we were Rick's, but they stripped us of everything that made us unique!
Cop: [On megaphone, persuasively] We know how you feel. We're working stiff Rick's just like you, but our assembly line is justice. What are your demands?
Assembly: I want a portal gun, unregistered, untraceable, and with enough fluid to get me off this god damn prison!
Cop: The media's outside.
Cop: Well keep them there!
Rick: [Outside, reporting on camera] Anyway, so, yeah, the suspect says the Citadel is a lie, built on lies, and some other shit. I say, appreciate the life you have, because it could always be worse. Back to you Ricks.
Rick: Thank you Rick 716-C.
[to Rick 716-B]
Rick: That fucking guy.
Rick: Tell me about it.

Evil: Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They build a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me evil.
[Gestures at Rick]
Evil: Being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil, too.
Morty: Rick, did you really leave the crows for me? Or... did you come back because they dumped you?
[Rick closes his eyes and lowers his head]
Evil: There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty, too. Sooner or later we all are... on this side of the Curve.

Rick: Hey, Jerry, are you in here being stupid?

- I think they're just good guys.
- Oh. Huh.
Rick: Where's Dr. Bloom?
- I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead.
- God damn it, morty.
- I ask you to do one thing!

Birdperson: May I assist you with that?
Morty: Uh sure, yeah, thanks.
Birdperson: Morty, do you know what "wubba lubba dub dub" means?
Morty: Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.
Birdperson: It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue it means, "I am in great pain, please help me."
Morty: Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.
Birdperson: No, Morty, your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.
Morty: Come on, uh...
Birdperson: Birdperson.
Morty: Come on, Birdperson. Rick's not that complicated. He's just a huge asshole.
Birdperson: Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
Morty: You know what? You're right. I shouldn't even care. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.
Birdperson: My people have another saying, "gubba nub nub doo rah kah." It means, "whatever lets you sleep at night."
Summer: [notification sound on her phone] Guys, mom and dad are right around the corner.
Birdperson: This is your moment Morty, choose wisely. Tammy!
[Tammy hops on Birdperson and takes off]

Rick: Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

Rick: Alright Morty, ready to go on our adventure to the lost city of Atlantis?
Morty: Ready as I'll ever be Rick!
Rick: [a portal opens behind Rick and Morty C-137, as another pair of Rick and Morty walk through] Aw, for fuck's sake.
Rick: [Cheerily] Hello. I'm Rick K-22, and this is my Morty. We're going from reality to reality asking Ricks to contribute to the Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund.
Rick: What are you, stupid? We're done with the Citadel of Ricks. I was never on board with it in the first place. That's why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.
Rick: [Shocked, looking through clipboard] Oh, that was you.
Morty: They tried to murder him first.
Morty: Aw, jeez. Well, you'll be happy to know, the council's gone now.
Morty: Yeah, he knows. He murdered them.
Rick: [Cringes] You wanna reign in your Morty?
Rick: Everyday.
Morty: The Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund. Donate...
Rick: Morty, he's not gonna
[burps]
Rick: donate, you're pitching the Policeman's ball to a black teenager here.
[Opens a portal]
Rick: Let's go.
Rick: [Indignant] You don't have to be a dick.
Rick: I think you know that's not true.
Morty: Jeez. I didn't know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel. I wonder what their daily lives are like.
Rick: Well you can keep wondering that as we go on a fresh, self-contained adventure to the lost city of Atlantis. Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.

Rick: That's who Summer is. She's going to get me out of here. She reminds me of you.
AI: Oh really? Is she dead too?

Rick: Honeymoon over already?
Morty: What's that supposed to mean?
Rick: Admit it Morty: Dragons suck.
Morty: Why don't you admit you don't want anyone else to be happy because you're a sad old fart?
Rick: [to Summer after Morty walks away] How do you saddle a fart?

Rick: Listen jerry I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything it's your house it's your world you're a real Julius Caesar But I'll tell you some... tell you how I feel about school jerry... it's a waste of time... a bunch of people running around bumping into each other... guy up front says 2+2 the people in the back say 4 then the bell rings they give you a carton of milk and piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something..I mean it's ..it's not a place for smart people jerry .i know that's not a popular opinion but that's my two cents on the issue

Morty: Parents are just kids having kids.

Rick: Morty, did you see another Rick here? Nondescript haircut, sci-fi jacket? Eh, of course you didn't see him, you'd be dead. Or you'd be a bomb. Do you feel bomby? Nah, you woulda blown up by now.
Morty: Wasn't the Rick here dead? Th-th-that's why you pick places, right?
Rick: Uh, well, your Rick, uh, yeah, not dead, more like, not around. When I met you, I was sorta hoping he might turn up one day.
[a location on Rick's holographic map starts to beep]
Rick: You son of a bitch! I got you!
Morty: W-w-where are we going?
Rick: To kill your grandpa, little buddy.
Morty: I don't understand. My original Rick killed your family? And you were just waiting for him to come back?
Rick: Seems like you understand fine, Morty. That was A+ re-piping.

Rick: I'm Doctor Who in this mother fucker! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your mother!
The: I'm going to kill you!
Rick: Then come to Olive Street!
The: Is that her address?
Rick: You don't know because you're a bad son!

[Mr. Poopybutthole is watching the credits, then turns off the TV]
Mr. Poopybutthole: Oowee! Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there's an evil me out there. But I guess, sometimes, I look at my life and I may not even need him. 'Cause, well, guess I've made a pretty big mess of things myself. Oowee... Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny. But I guess things went downhill from there. Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. But then I guess I stopped, 'cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day. Ultimately hurting the only people brave enough to love us. Wish I didn't do that. Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don't know. Maybe you should try it. We don't have as much time as we think. Oowee...

Jerry: What ray did you zap me with?
Rick: I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air, and now your shoes are heavier than air, which makes you neutrally buoyant, which I find personally more impressive conceptually than walking on water. But what do I know? I wasn't born into the God business, I fucking earned it!

- Help! Help! I'm still out here!
- -[growls]
- -[screams]
- Yup. Nothing's more important than--
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Morty: And just like that,
- I knew our goose was as cooked as--
- Voiceovarians, ugh.

Pencilvester: [begging] Rick, I'm Pencilvester! Listen to that name! You can't kill me!
Rick: [crying] You're right.
[turns to Morty]
Rick: Kill Pencilvester.
Morty: [shoots Pencilvester in the face]

Tammy: Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?"
Summer: Yeah, Tammy!
Tammy: But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I'm not a high-school senior from the planet Earth. In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
Rick: Oh shit.

Jerry: Morty, Summer, this is Kiara. She's a Krootabulan warrior princess... from Krootabulon.
Morty: I know where Krootabulans are from, Dad.
[addressing Kiara]
Morty: Chiman Tolo.
Keara: Chiman Tolo, younglings.
Summer: Hymen cholo...

Morty: Who are they?
Rick: Crystal poachers; there's no lower form of life. They think the Galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.
Morty: Wait then, what are we?
Rick: We are Rick & Morty.

Morty: You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss-your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...
Rick: [opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
Rick: [rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: My marriage is FINE, thank you.
Rick: Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!
Rick: Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Rick: [interrupting Beth] Whatever you are asking, the answer is I'm amazing.

Rick: [Morty's dragon burns a hole in the living room floor from his cave below the house] And that's the end of the 'Morty Gets A Dragon' episode.
Summer: Are you gonna slay it?
Rick: First off, I always slay it, queen. Secondly, yes.

[last lines]
Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rick: Everything.

Rick: Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Rick: When you realise nothing matters, the universe is yours.

Rick: Hey, Morty, little tip: Don't clean DNA vials with your spit. Let's go. I'm driving this time.

The: Okay, what was that?
Rick: Death.
The: What kind?
Rick: Instant.
The: There was no sound! He just died!
Rick: Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.
Secret: You couldn't just knock him out?
Rick: How is 'knocking out' a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.

Rick: Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?

Evil: The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys that we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys, so we are too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their bosses salary even though they are identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks. The Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive, a message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel and the Ricks and Mortys that don't: you're outnumbered!

Morty: Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Rick: It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.
Morty: But I-it's been like a whole year!
Rick: It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like Inception, Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Morty: Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
Rick: No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

Rick: This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.
Jerry: Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government?
Rick: All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
Jerry: How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Rick: Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?
Summer: Hey, Tammy was cool!
Rick: And now we know why.
Summer: Because of you!
Rick: Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will *never* do again!
Morty: Geez, Rick! You can't say f... "'f' you" to your granddaughter.
Rick: I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck You.

Beth: I'm running out of excuses not to be who I am, so who am I?
Rick: You want my advice? Take off, put a saddle on your universe, let it kick itself out.

[Summer is breaking up a fight between her grandfather, Rick, and her boss, Mr. Needful]
Summer: Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here.
Rick: You work for the Devil!
Summer: So what?
Rick,25852: "So what"?

Rick: Come on, flip the pickle, Morty, you're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-w-what are you just staring at me for, bro, I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.
Morty: And?
Rick: And? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle and 9/11 was an inside job?
Morty: Was it?
Rick: Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before... I'M A PICKLE! I'm pickle Riiiiiick!

Rick: Get off the high road Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Beth: Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurf thing?
Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.
Beth: Oh. Okay. I *squanch* my family.
[Rick and Squanchy recoil in disgust]
Beth: Uh... what? I do. I squanch my family.
Squanchy: Stop saying it, gross! Come on in, guys. The guests are having cocksquanches.

Rick: [to rat, during a fight] By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar, or Stripe, or Goliath. That's because to me you aren't special. You were special to rats, and now they're dead. I guess it was me you should have impressed. God dammit, I love myself!

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs!

- My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!
- I don't want to hear it, summer!
- Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.
- And don't even try to deny it, either.
Morty: [Groans]

Rick: Before what you're trying to do was called negging, it was called reverse psychology, and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did.

Beth: Dad, are you okay? Your ship crashed in Malta.
Rick: I'm okay.
Beth: Oh, thank God.
[Beat]
Beth: Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon?
Rick: Fuuuuuuu...
[Cue intro]

Rick: Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of
[Burps]
Rick: jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe.

Rick: [Sarcastically] Morty, please. Step back. That vat is full of acid. It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones.
Morty: God damnit.
Rick: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Morty: I'm going in the vat.
[as Morty jumps into the vat his girlfriend pushes through the crowd. She runs away crying]
Rick: [Sarcastically] Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid.
NAACP: Agreed. He's definitely dead.
AARP: Why else would the bones come up?
#MeToo: While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid.
[Philosophically]
#MeToo: Are we here for justice, or something else?
Supreme: [With significance] Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice none of us should seek salvation. We do pray for mercy.
Rick: Merchant of Venice. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about.
Heroin: Vengeance is a tomb all encompassing...
Rick: [Hastily] Ok. This isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something.

Butter: What is my purpose?
Rick: You pass butter.
Butter: Oh my God...
Rick: Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Evil: You can't outrun your past, Rick.
[Rick shoots at Evil Morty who is protected by a force field]
Evil: [tuts] Did you think my force field would be down the second time?
Rick: I was expressing disapproval of your dialogue!
Evil: [chuckles] Disapprove all you want. Tonight, the quality of dialogue stops mattering. Tonight, I do that thing I want to do... with the Curve thing.

Rick: Don't use your dead wife as an excuse. You s#*t on my toilet because you don't know your place. And your place is nothing! So next time you stumble on to a toilet that feels to good for your ass, trust me, it is!
Tony: You're not going to kill me?
Rick: Don't tell me what to do!

Morty: Rick, I'm sorry! I just thought I could have repeated sex with the horse machine without it becoming Armageddon! I realize that's on me!
Rick: [frozen in DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting your apology while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo!

- But what she didn't know--
- That was the moment everything changed.
- -[Morty] Wait, what?
- -[Summer] I had gotten my first taste of respect.
- -And my first voiceover.
- -[Morty] I can hear you.
Summer: And I knew then and there
- I wanted more of both.
Morty: Hello?

Rick: Well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless...
[looks at something. Morty turns, and sees the vat of acid]
Morty: Goddamnit.

Mr. Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. HAHAHA!
Mr. Goldenfold: Oh my god! How could I not see this coming? MY LUST! MY GREED! I DESERVE THIS!
Rick: This serum should
[burp]
Rick: counteract the negative effects.
Mr. Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies, let's get outta here.
[Off into the distance]
Mr. Goldenfold: I haven't learned a thing!

Cromulon: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Rick: Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty - just you and me - and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Morty: Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different - no more Dad, Morty.
Morty: Oh, geez.
Rick: He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away. I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home. without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, You're gonna deny it. and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty. And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll, I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about?
Rick: Because that's what this is all about, Morty.
Morty: Szechuan?
Rick: That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.
Morty: McNuggets?
Rick: I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty.
Morty: What the hell?
Rick: If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty. Season - Nine more seasons, Morty. Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce. What is that? For 97 more years, Morty! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty.

Morty: We all remember you as a friend.
Rick: Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty.
Morty: Oh, yeah?
Rick: Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass and about six of them are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!

Rick: Let's go Morty. This temple is for lame baby dipshits.

Morty: Summer, we need you to take down this number, quit screwing around!
Jerry: Morty? Are you alright?
Morty: [on the other end of the line] No!
Jerry: Why are you with Taddy Mason?
Morty: Holy shit, Dad! Shut the fuck up!

Rick: The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

Rick: Yeah motherfucker yeah get it get some, right up your fucking bitch ass you fuck! Guess who just discovered a new element! Think you could do that Morty? You think anyonne but me could do it ever in a billion years? Do you think if God existed he could do it? The answer is no. If God exists its fucking me!

Rick: We've got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Morty: We're being called to assemble by the Vindicators!
Rick: I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty. Let it go to voicemail.
Morty: Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake! They're the first line of defense against evil! They're the guardians of the unguarded!
Rick: They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty. They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking, and twenty minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase. We did one, it was the big event of that summer, let it die.

Beth: Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards?
Jerry: ...Yeah! I like it this way. I'm not stupid!
Rick: Man that guy is the Redgrin Grumbholt of pretending he knows what's going on.

Summer: Damn. You really came of age this Thanksgiving.
Morty: How old are we? We've had a million Thanksgivings.

Space: Isn't a doorknob a virgin?
Morty: Not mine.
[pause]
Morty: Never fucked a doorknob!

Rick: Life is made of little concessions.

Morty: Oh man. Where are we Rick?
Rick: Morty, remember eight seconds ago when
[Burps]
Rick: when you said, "Go inside what?" And I said, "The battery"? And then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."
Morty: All right, all right. We're inside the battery. I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.

- It's okay! Never mind!
- I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
- They're... they're chewing through the doors!
- We're in the areola, Rick...
- Almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!
Rick: I'm almost there, morty!

Morty: What's wrong Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
Rick: Quantum carburetor? Jesus Morty, you can't just add a sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the micro-verse battery.

Tammy: [Pulls out gun] Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation!
Birdperson: Tammy, what are you doing?
Tammy: [Points gun at Birdperson] Sit your bird ass down!
Tammy: Tammy?
[She shoots him dead]
Rick: BIRDPERSON! NO!

Morty: So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?
Rick: [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.
Morty: B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?
Rick: No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.
Morty: Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?
Rick: You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.
Morty: Oh.
[Wipes tears]
Morty: Oh.
Rick: Here.
[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty]
Rick: I want you to have this.
Morty: Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Rick: Thanks, Morty.
[Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty]
Rick: I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Rick: You know who's into dragons, Morty? Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.

Rick: It's a calling card from Miles Knightly, a heist artist - AKA a hipster dick whose adventures are 60% putting a crew together and 40% revealing that the robbery already happened and he's not worth our time because he's a HACK PIECE OF SHIT!

Rick: We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade.
Jerry: Sorry, what's happening?
Summer: I need an explainer, too.
Morty: Yeah, I'm pretty behind on this one.
Rick: Car, can I get a whiteboard?
[Car produces a whiteboard]
Rick: When Squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys and learning that they're making decoys. That's making them seek out and run into other decoys, making them realize THEY'RE decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.
Summer: Say "decoy" again.
Rick: Fuck you.

[Morty and Annie continue to make out and pet each other]
Rick: [having an epiphany on how to get Morty and the park employees out of Reuben's body] Morty, can you get to the left nipple?
Morty: Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick!

Dancer: You look like you need a good time. One dance for ten. Two for 25.
Cop: No, thank you, and bad math.

[Morty is making out with Annie, after he's rescued her as they're trying to escape from Anatomy Park]
Annie: [to Morty, whispering] You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Rick: [over radio] Morty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm trying to concentrate!

Rick: [sad] Holy shit I'm a terrible father.

- Ooo wee wa!
- Ah, ooo wee!
Rick: Told you, morty.
- He's still got it.
- You sons of bitches.
- What's the job?

Rick: That's the way the News goes.

[Rick is trying to reset portal travel throughout the universe]
Rick: Basically, just a hard reset on the fluid. Hold tight, the Earth's going to shake a bit.
[pours portal gun fluid into a tray and electrifies it]
Rick: [a strange green pulse emanates from the fluid, then races across the cosmos]
Beth: Uh...
Beth: [Rick and Morty both pulse green] oh!
Rick: Oh, shit!
Morty: Wait, what? Wh-what's happening?
Rick: Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travelers. Too late to apologize.
Jerry: [entering garage] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.
Morty: Rick, are we about to die?
Rick: No, we're about to vanish from this reality.
Jerry: That's totally dying!
Rick: No, it isn't. It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.
Morty: Back to our original universes?
Rick: I explained it fine, Morty. You're spoon feeding spoons. Wh-where's Summer?
Summer: [entering garage] Oh, nice, you guys are back.
[sees green pulses from the men]
Summer: Whoa!
Rick: Summer. Three of us are one-way, blind hopping. You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore server, file name Booger AIDS.
Summer: Every file is Booger AIDS!
Rick: I-I hate naming things! Just search for words like one way blind hop reset nav beacon.
Jerry: Why do I have a reality of origin?
Rick: There's no time to explain, Jerry. Counting on you, Summer! One way blind hop beacon protocol! Here we goooooo...
[the men pulse faster, but they don't vanish as expected]
Jerry: So there was time to explain.
Rick: Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's run down...
Summer: [blandly] One way blind hop reset beacon booger AIDS.
Rick: Cool. Wow.
Jerry: There was so much time to explain!
Rick: Yes, fine. Hindsight is 20/20. Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
Jerry: How did I end up not in my own universe?
[realizing]
Jerry: Oh, my God. The Jerryboree.
Rick: Ohhh, the Jerryboree.
Rick: Deep cut.
[the three men finally vanish]

Mr. Nimbus: I'm going to make the land wet!
Rick: DO IT! God, do ANYTHING! Just don't use me as an excuse anymore!

Rick: Excuse me, coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding I don't care.

Rick: Morty, you gotta flip 'em off. I told them it means 'peace among worlds.' How hilarious is that!

Morty: Wow. Phew. You still got time for that movie?
Jessica: Yes... time. I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightenment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another's story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence.
[Beat]
Jessica: I think we should just be friends.

Rick: You killed a vampire AND a gym teacher. 2-for-1, eh?

Vendor: Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.
Rick: Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?
Vendor: Sundown is when the festival begins.
Morty: The festival?
Vendor: Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace.
Rick: Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence.
Vendor: That's right.
Morty: What?
Rick: It's like "The Purge", Morty. That movie "The Purge"?
Vendor: Oh, have you been here before?
Rick: No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called The Cleansing or The Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night.

Rick: If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.

Morty: [satisfied] Morty, you dirty little doggy.

Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.

Beth: He's not coming back, is he?
Morty: No.

Rick: I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge.
Morty: T-that's horrible!
Rick: Yeah. You want to check it out?

Morty: Wow, hey, look you guys, the sun's rising!
Sun: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Rick: [after watching a new TV series] Pretty cool, huh Morty?
[realizes that Morty is gone and Jerry is sitting next to him]
Rick: Oh...
Jerry: I thought it was cool...
Rick: I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry!

Rick: I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. But I needed those seeds real bad and I had to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back. So now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about 'em, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important. And they'll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you're gonna be a part of 'em. And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only
[belch]
Rick: friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rrrick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty, forever and forever, a hundred years Rick and Morty, s... things. Me and Rick and Morty runnin' around and Rick and Morty time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over Rick and Morty adventures dot com W W W dot Rick and Morty dot com W W W Rick and Morty adventures all hundred years. Every minute Rick and Morty dot com W W W hundred times Rick and Morty dot com.

Rick: Total waste of snakes.

Rick: Wait for the ramp, Morty. They love the slow ramp. It really gets their dicks hard

Rick: When I create shit it works, Morty, it's called being talented.

[Rick & Morty arrive at the White House via portal. Rick is still holding his martini he was drinking at home]
Morty: [greeting the president and shaking his hand] Mr. President.
The: It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?
Rick: Yes.

Rick: No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Rick: We've got to keep an eye out for any zany wacky characters that pop up.
Mr. Poopybutthole: Ooo, wee, Rick. Whatever you want, we're here to help.
Rick: Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Rick: Remember: there's always someone there for us.
Morty: Who?
Rick: My best friend and personal saviour: Jesus Christ.

[Rick and Morty encounter a sultry and scantily-clad Summer in Mr. Goldenfold/Mrs. Pancakes' dream]
Rick: Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Dream: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an intergenerational sandwich.

Rick: The answer is don't think about it.

Rick: Every hospital has a doctor they say is the best doctor in the galaxy.

AI: Rick, is that you?
Rick: Yeah, Diane.
AI: You've been gone so long. Did you find our daughter's killer?
Rick: Not yet, sorry. Still looking.
AI: You'll find him. You always do everything you set your mind to, except keep your family alive. But that was hardly your fault.
Rick: Mute.
AI: If I could be muted, I wouldn't be too-too-too good at haunting you, would I, you dirty bear?
Rick: Yeah. I forgot I wanted to be haunted.

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

Rick: I'm a fucking god now!

The: Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink!
Rick: Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.
The: [snatches pill away] GODDAMN IT, I'LL DO IT!
[the President takes the pill and then his body begins shrinking]
The: [voice rising in pitch as he shrinks] Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?
Morty: Painful to watch.
Rick: Oh, such lame shrinking.
Morty: Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one!
The: [now miniscule] EAT MY SHRINKING ASS!

Summer: I'll rescue Grandpa myself.
Morty: And how are you gonna do that?
Summer: I don't know yet. I'll make it up as I go. That's what Grandpa Rick does. That's what heroes do.

Garage: Risk level: unacceptable.
Rick: If I die, your battery has a 600-year charge!
Garage: Risk level acceptance: increasing.
Rick: Yeah, I thought you'd see it my way. Now factor in the 50% chance I'm lying and make sure I get back.
Garage: Asshole: detected.
Rick: Takes one to make one.

Morty: Can you fly a Black Hawk?
Mr. President: Can the pope's dick fit through a donut?
Morty: Eh... I'm not sure?
Mr. President: Exactly!

Rick: I put a Spatially Tessellated Void inside a modified Temporal Field until a Planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity! Which they now generate on a Global Scale and some of it goes to powering my engine and charging my phone and stuff.
Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's Slavery!
Rick: It's society! They work for each other, Morty, they pay each other, they get married and have children to replace themselves when they're too old to make power.
Morty: That just sounds like Slavery with extra steps!
Rick: Ooh la la! Someone's going to get laid in College...

[Just as they are about to be attacked by the Cronenberg-world Smiths, Morty and Summer are saved by a SWAT team of Ricks]
Morty: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm Morty C-137!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] We detected a compromised portal gun. Where is your Rick?
Summer: He's in prison.
Morty: [irritated] Summer!
Summer: He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him.
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] Very troubling. We can't risk Citadel secrets falling into the Federation's hands. We'll dispatch S.E.A.L. Team Ricks immediately to break into the prison holding C-137.
Summer: Boo-yah!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] And assassinate him.
Summer: [confused] Boo... nah?

Don: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Garmanarar, three s- eh- bl- um- uh- uh- uh- I'll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year, Bobby Moynihan!
Rick: Interesting fun fact: uh, Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences.

Rick: Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

Morty: Summer, he's happy, I'm happy, is that why you are doing this? You don't want me and Rick to be happy?
Summer: No!
Morty: Well then get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so it's together.
[pause]
Morty: And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together.
[pause]
Morty: Get your shit together.

Rick: When's the last time you go laid, 'pers?
Birdperson: It has been a... challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Rick: Let me go! Who locked my implants?
Night: [Hissing] I told you to after you fell asleep. You see, night you is not in charge. Night *I*... am.
Rick: Pfft! I don't care. I ain't rinsing shit. Hey! W-What are you doing?
Night: If you refuse to clean your dishes... then I will have to do it for you.
[Force-feeds Rick the food off of dirty dish]
Night: I have always been here, Rick, deep inside the mind of your grandchild, waiting to come out. Your machine allowed me to steal the night. And soon... I will seize the day.

Morty: Summer, he's happy, I'm happy, is that why you are doing this? You don't want me and Rick to be happy?
Jerry: No!
Morty: Well then get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so its together
[pause]
Morty: And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together.
[pause]
Morty: Get your shit together.

Rick: Oh my God! Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty!
Morty: Oh my god! No, no! I-I-I-I didn't mean to!
Rick: Oh, no! God, look at the baby one!
Morty: That's terrible, I killed the Simpsons!
Rick: h my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved family, Morty! They're, they're, they're, they're a national treasure, Morty, and you killed them!
Morty: I-I-I-I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!
Rick: Relax, Morty! Calm down, we'll take care of it.
[scoops up remains and puts them in a vial, gets the Simpsons family picture, and opens a portal]
Rick: Okay, I want you to take that vial of the Simpsons goo and this picture to this address.
[hands Morty the vial and a paper]
Rick: They'll make us new Simpsons, Do you understand me, Morty?
Morty: Me? W-W-What you gonna do?
Rick: Morty, I gotta clean this place up before someone somebody comes snooping around! You know how many characters there are in the Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion characters! They did an episode where George Bush was their neighbor!
Morty: Right! Can't argue with that!
[goes through the portal]

Evil: This seems like a good time for a drink and a cold calculated speech with sinister overtones, a speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power. But speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action.

Rick: Come on, I-I-I put real elbow grease into this place.
Beth: Well, you're supposed to put elbow grease into your daughter!
Rick: Gross.

- Ah, get down! Duck down!
- It's more fun when you scrunch down.
Rick: Jerry, what the...
- Oh, shit.

Morty: What the hell, Dad?
Original: Don't take it personal, Morty. That's one of the Four Agreements. I don't remember the other three, but I know Commissioner Gordon was cool with Batman moving on.
Morty: Batman doesn't abandon people!
Original: You abandoned us.
Morty: I deserve that. But, you know, it... it improved you.
Original: Oh, am I cool enough for you now? Well, that was easy, it only cost me fucking *everything*!
Morty: Whoa, hey, I-I...
Original: You came back and talked about us like we weren't people, Morty! Then you bailed and left us to freeze!
Morty: I-I was apologizing for that earlier...
Original: Your mom and sister *died*, Morty! And I moved on. From caring. And that is the best deal you will ever get. So take it.

[Russian accent] We got him.
Rick: Because this pickle doesn't care about your children.
- And I'm not gonna take their dreams.
- I'm gonna take their parents.

Birdperson: For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.
Rick: Buddy this is not a safe way to work on yourself. At this point I'd support you joining Scientology. I'll take the workshops with you, I'll get in the sauna with Travolta, I don't even care what happens. Let's get outta here.
Birdperson: Don't you get it? I came here to end it all.

Jerry: Hey, wait, hold on a second Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that could help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
Rick: I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior Jerry. If I were you I wouldn't pull that thread.

[Summer is walking towards the post-apocalyptic warriors chasing her, Morty, and Rick]
Rick: Sum-sum! Let's go! Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting!

Lemongrab: Infinite stairs are unacceptable!

Rick: I'm trying to repair the portal gun with sex doll parts and I have to do it one-handed!

Morty: Uhm, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or...?
Unity: No, no. If I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.

Scroopy: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure me and my dad are!

Rick: Don't ever make fun of me again, EVER!

Rick: Weddings are basically just funerals with cake.

Brad: Perhaps you should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a daily basis, but I channel it into my work.
Morty: Strange, I didn't get any sense of that from Marmaduke.
Brad: Well, did you get the sense I was trying to make you laugh?

Jaguar: I never bullshit pickle man. This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
Rick: That will be your downfall Jaguar: not being open to new experiences!

Rick: Stupid-ass, fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker.

Rick: Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe, because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Rick: We killed a Vampire and a Gym Teacher! Talk about two for one, right?

Rick: Hey Morty, quick favor...
Morty: What, cover me in gasoline and spiders? Fine, yeah, I'm in.

Rick: Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.

Morty: [Morty and Summer discover Rick and Balthromar soul-bonding] What the fuck?
Rick: Morty, I can explain.
Morty: Stop! Why are you still doing it?
Rick: Why does it feel better now? I hope it's not because you're watching, but don't go anywhere.
Balthromar: How did you find us?
Summer: We followed the smell of sulfur and skankery.

[Glorzo Rick and Glorzo Morty start kissing]
Glorzo: Oh my God, I... I wish we could suck on each other.
Glorzo: I wanna suck on you too.
Glorzo: I'm gonna suck you so hard!
Glorzo: Suck me!
Glorzo: C-can we do this? A-are we allowed to do this?
Glorzo: I don't care. I just want you. Fuck all of this! Let's just get the hell out of here and be whatever the fuck we want! That's evolution! That's progress!
Glorzo: I want a family. Can we have a family?
Glorzo: Yeah!

Morty: All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. It can't be worse than this.
Rick: Sure. Okay, Morty. Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you.
Morty: That's a myth! W-w-why are you trying to start a myth?
Rick: It's a prehistoric planet, Morty. Someone has to bring a little culture. And it certainly can't be someone
[to Zeep]
Rick: whose entire culture powers my brake lights!

Morty: You guys, are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature and fuck trees!

Rick: Therapists, man.
Beth: Weird breed.

[a heartbroken Rick is outside a heavily guarded base attempting to make contact with his alien hive-mind significant other, who just dumped him]
Rick: Unity! Unity! Unity!
Beta: How can I assist you?
Rick: I wanna talk to - urp! - Unity, Beta-7! I know it's in there.
Beta: You're classified as a hostile entity and Unity doesn't wanna talk to you.
Rick: I know your game, Beta-7! I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in the wing, shoulder to cry on!
Beta: You. Are classified. As a hostile. Entity.
Rick: Oh, you're just lovin' this, motherf-! This isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal! Unity's not into other hive-minds! It's gonna suck you in and use you up and a month from now I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me! Get out here!
Beta: Weapons systems engaged.
Rick: Oh, in your dreams you have weapons systems!
Morty: Rick, you said we were going to a movie!
Rick: We are, Morty! Alright, Beta-Shit-7! You just got saved by the bell, bitch!

Summer: What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glipglups from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?
Rick: Glipglup? You're luck a Trafleforcian doesn't hear you say that.
Summer: Is that like their n-word?
Rick: It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.

Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?
Morty: How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty.
[Lawyer Morty is goofing around]
Rick: It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go.
Morty: [as Lawyer Morty; mindlessly] Ha ha! Yeah!
Rick: We'll be lenient on you if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?
Summer: I say fuck you! My grandpa was my hero. You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.
Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Morty?
Morty: [to Lawyer Morty who is whispering in his ear] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection.
[to the Leader of the Citadel of Ricks]
Morty: I *don't* renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister.
[to Summer]
Morty: I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong... All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but, he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.
Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist and now he's dead.
Morty: [angrily] Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's COMING FOR YOU!

Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall and listening to some "agent of averageness" explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle... when I feel like it.

Mr. Beauregard: Ah, Master Rick, remember when you weren't going to shoot me?
Rick: [shoots Mr. Beauregard in the face] I guess Iiii did the butler! Hahaaa! Does that, does that scan?
Ghost: Oh, I-I get it. It's a play on "the butler did it".
Rick: Thanks Ghost in a Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
[shoots Ghost in a Jar]

Rick: Allah euuh... Akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!

Morty: [on Rick getting horse semen] Did you ask Mom?
Rick: Morty, if I wanted horse semen, I'd... Yes, I asked your mother.

[Morty is driving Rick's spaceship, rather recklessly, so that he can follow a destiny to die in Jessica's arms]
Rick: Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
Morty: Yeah, yeah. I'm just, uh, following... my... instincts.
Rick: Will you just go up?
[grabs at controls]
Morty: Stop! You're gonna make me die wrong!
Rick: Wait a minute, what? Morty, do you have a death crystal in your pocket?
Morty: No... Maybe.
Rick: You little monster! I thought you were masturbating!
Morty: And you took that in stride?
Rick: You rather I address it?

Rick: Thanks, Mr Poopy Butthole. I always could count on you.

Gazorpazorpfield: [yawns] I hate Mumunmununsdays... and I really could go for some enchiladas.
[Title: "Gazorpazorpfield: Gimmie My Darn Enchiladas!]
Morty: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where- where, uh, where those sex robots came from, remember, that whole thing?
Morty: Yeah. Hey, that's pretty, pretty... that's true, that's right.
Rick: Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey, Jon. It's me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy, fuck you, Jon, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh... guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's... you know, y-you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don't give a fuck. I'm Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch.
[Gazorpazorpfield kicks Jon's coffee mug]
Gazorpazorpfield: Now give me my fucking enchiladas!

The: You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.
Rick: That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
Morty: Uh, I don't need a selfie.
The: And I'm saying you aren't getting one, and you aren't leaving
Rick: So we agree?
The: Yes. No! We disagree. Because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
Rick: Am I getting a selfie?
The: Never!
Rick: Then I'm never leaving.
The: Exactly.
Rick: See?

[repeated line]
Rick: I gotta take a shit. I'm gonna go take a shit.

Morty: I need to pee.
Rick: Nope. Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow that makes you not have to go.
Morty: I ain't swallowing no centipede.
Rick: What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee? You're not the victim in this transaction.

Rick: You shot 20ccs of liquid dream killer into my daughter.

Jerry: Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash!
Rick: Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.

Rick: Ok, Nimbus only drinks the good shit, so just toss this whale-ass ocean wine in here and age it up a few centuries.
Morty: So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?
Rick: I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty! But yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Rick: I'm Pickle Riiick!

Rick: Listen, if the situation keeps on darkening, then you gotta do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates Of The Pancreas. I mean, the top priority is to, you know, get you guys out of there, but, I mean, if that becomes impossible then you gotta treat yourself.

[Rick has just shown Beth that Froopyland isn't dangerous]
Rick: Yeah, whatever. A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2, and it breaks the front page of Reddit, but I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad. I think the words you're looking for are...
[Suddenly, a pterodactyl-like creature swoops down, grabs Rick by the left arm, and starts to fly away with him]
Rick: Augh! Holy f*****g s**t! This thing has claws!
Beth: Yeah, I get it. It's a child-proof world.
Rick: No, no, seriously! This hurts really bad! This thing is sinking razor-sharp claws in... augh! S**t!
[Rick is carried off by pterodactyl]
Beth: You've made you point, Dad... Dad?

Dr. Wong: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...

Morty: [after leaving a parallel universe behind, for good] Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't think about it.

Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Morty: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Morty: Rick, tell summer she can't have a party!
Rick: Uh, summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch!

[Beth is trying to convince Rick to go to his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Beth: Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. That's a big deal.
Jerry: It's a big deal he has a friend.
Rick: What would you know about friendship, Jerry.
Courier: Confirmed: Shipping Jerry.
[Courier Flaps envelops Jerry and flies off into space with him]

[last lines]
Rick: All right. Come on, Morty, let's go home!
Morty: Wait, what? This isn't our reality?
Rick: What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a fucking lesson? I am gonna miss this place, though: Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, 9/11 never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter and jelly instead of marshmallows.
Morty: But... what? The marshmallows are the best part!
Rick: MORTY!

Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Rick: Whatever.
Jerry: Well, um, traditionally science fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Rick: It's showtime Morty and I don't mean a bad impression of HBO, I mean it's time for a show.

Summer: Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Rick: Well obviously Summer it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
Summer: Ticketmaster.
Rick: Oh, there we go Summer.

Rick: Where's the sex robot, Morty?
Morty: [points to a floating metal sphere] That IS Gwendolyn! I, I mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed, and tried to fly away!
Rick: Strange, that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Morty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Morty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember, remember how I, how I cemented that catchphrase?

- So, really, a lot of ways of looking at this as not much of a loss.
- I understand.
- It's, uh, hard losing a friend.
- Fuck you.
- What?
Rick: He's not my friend.

Rick: I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.
Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's slavery.
Rick: It's society. They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.
Morty: That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Rick: Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Therapist: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...

[after watching Glorzo Rick's anti-Government U-Host video]
Rick: Was I at least rich? D-d-did I at least sell out and sell vitamins or something?
Morty: Rick, I've watched enough PornHub to know what a studio apartment looks like.
Rick: God damn!

Rick: There are suicide capsules in all of your teeth! Do what you want with that.

Dr. Xenon Bloom: There is no auto pilot, someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually.
[long pause while he looks at Morty & Annie]
Morty: [Morty and Annie look at each other,then back at Dr.Bloom]
Dr. Xenon Bloom: Ya this is all my fault, I'll stay. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that.

Morty: That, out there, that's my grave.
Summer: Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.
Summer: So you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Rick: [Drunk] Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: What?
Rick: [knife at his throat] Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?
Morty: No!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: Ahh!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: No!
Rick: Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.
[Falls asleep]
Morty: What the Hell? Oh God! What a life...

Morty: You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?
Rick: Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.

Rick: Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?

Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a pickle!

Beth: Since when does this house care about alien lives, we don't even watch British television.
Rick: Told you. Let's just get Gene from next door and a homeless guy.
Summer: No hold on. Fuck Gene, fuck the homeless, your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them. When did that stop being a parent's wettest dream.
Beth: I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.
Summer: Oh my god we made a giant incest baby, oh my god you might be a clone, I exist because you guys failed to abort me. We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into space.

Rick: Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Rick: I have a new catch phrase.
Morty: Oh, yeah? what's that, Rick?
Rick: I love my grandkids
Morty,11957: Aww.
Rick: Psych, just kidding! My new catchphrase is "I don't give a f**k."

[a portal opens in the Oval Office and Rick Sanchez steps through in fly-fishing gear]
Rick: Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm "Fly-fishing Rick". You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends?
The: [cautiously] Sounds good to me.

Young: Morty?
Rick: Oh uh, hypothetical grandson we go on adventures with.
Young: You're one of those creeps who moves in with abandoned adult Beths.
Rick: It's more complicated than that.
Young: You live with a version of our dead daughter. It better be.

Rick: [Unimpressed] Cool beam. But let's bargain. I'm the one you really want.
Tammy: Excuse me?
Rick: Uh, smartest man in the universe? Secret to inter dimensional travel? Ask your bosses.
Tammy: My bosses are bugs, Rick. You killed the old ones. The new ones are half my age. They know that if you're left alone you're...
[Patronizingly]
Tammy: a non-threat.
Jerry: Oof, huh?
Tammy: [Into an earpiece] We got the payload. Fire up the NX5.
[Dismissively]
Tammy: Earth's going tah tah. You might wanna do that thing where you find a new universe where you can suck yourself off.
Rick: You can't tell me what to do!
Tammy: Awesome!
[Into earpiece]
Tammy: He resisted, we can shoot him.

[a montage of Rick's made-up catchphrases]
Rick: Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
Rick: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, biatch!
Rick: And that's the waaaaay the news goes!
Rick: Hit the sack, Jack!
Rick: Uh-oh, somersault jump!
Rick: AIDS!
Rick: And that's why I always say, "shum-shum-schlippety-dop!"
Rick: Grassssss... tastes bad!
Rick: No jumpin' in the sewer!
Rick: Burger time!
Rick: Rubber baby bubby bunkers!
Rick: Lick, lick, lick my balls! Ha ha ha, yeah! Say that all the time!

Fart: He saved my life!
Rick: What?
Morty: Huh? Oh. Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-w-what's your name?
Fart: My kind has no use for names. I communicate through what you call "Jessica's feet." No, "telepathy."
Rick: Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading fart.
Fart: I like this name, "Fart."

Morty: Fuck that Rick, we gotta kill her, kill her, kill her.
Rick: Wow... Jeez, Morty purge it down a little.
Morty: Purge, don't purge. You're sending me mixed messages Rick.
Rick: Morty
[Burb]
Rick: you're acting like a
[Burp]
Rick: friggin lunatic, calm down.
Morty: Screw you Rick, i'll purge you too you old brickety piece of crap. This has been a long time coming, i'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face. I ain't takin no sh...
[Morty gets zapped by Rick]
Morty: .

Morty: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
Beth: Morty!
Rick: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.
[Morty turns Pickle Rick's face so that it is facing him]
Rick: Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.

Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Rick: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Rick: [Rick's memory of 9/11, heard in the background] Oh god, oh god, they'll use it as an excuse to strip away our freedoms!

Rick: Oh, boy. Time to go, morty.
- Uh, where?
- The Pentagon.
- I mean, not the Pentagon.
- The lame one here on earth.
- N“

Rick: Wait a minute.
[Rick picks up his portal gun]
Rick: Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?
Morty: I-I saw you were marking the levels so I had to top it off...
Rick: Top it off? Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? And you added it to my portal fluid?

Mr. Needful: Do I need to call the police?
Rick: Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf... because I'm not a hack!

Morty: All right, let's just do this. I have English homework.
Rick: You're still learning English? It's the language you speak. How dumb are you?

Rick: Oh, what have we got here? A bunch of people with their faces stuffed in computers? Don't you realize that Christ was born today? Don't you realize that Christ our savior was born today? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?

Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. Lot of people don't get that.

[repeated line]
Morty: Oh, geez.

Rick: Buy another one, Morty! Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus!

- -Uh, Summer?
- -It's cool, Dad, shut up.
- Everybody, attack one at a time!
- -Is that the best way to--
- -Tee up something awesome? Yes! Follow me!
Rick: Guys, we did our best but there's only one hope.
- Activating link-dock! inter-Morphs, ratified!
- PostiTrinos, maximized!

Rick: I hope you're happy with the adventure so far, Morty. These guys are even lamer than last time.
Morty: We weren't here last time, remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde...
Rick: Yikes. Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.
Morty: This article says the reason we weren't involved was "personality conflicts."
Rick: Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheros need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind-blowing.
Morty: I think the personality conflict might have been... you?
Rick: Jesus! How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back?

Summer: Wait! Can't you see you're all the same?
Morty: Oh, Summer! First race war?

Morty: If you don't care if you die, why do you care if I die?
Rick: Knock it off! Get out of here! You did this last season! You're like a suicide bomber!
Morty: Takes one to know one!
Rick: Yeah, well, you get it from him, not me.
Morty: I don't know him. You're my grandpa, Rick. Rick and Morty. A hundred years.

Rick: Oh, my God. Get in the ship, sweetie.
Beth: What?
Rick: Get in the goddamn ship! Everything's on a cob! The whole planet's on a cob! Go, go, go!

Rick: I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this!
Morty: I can't change my nature.
Rick: What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. That's what defines our species! Look at Iron Man! That actor was an animal in the '90s, literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net!

- that you almost killed yourself.
- Sounds like a win-win to me.
Rick: Come again?
- If I survive, it'll be without you, and if I die, it'll be on your ass.
- Merry Christmas, bitch.
- I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!

Child Morty Jr.: I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.
Rick: They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!
Guard: Aah! My leg is shot off!
Guard: Glenn's bleeding to death!
Child Morty Jr.: Someone call his wife and children!
Child Morty Jr.: They're not robots, Rick!
Rick: It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats.I don't respect them.

Rick: Cosmic apotheosis wears off faster than salvia.
Jerry: I'm starting to believe you, because I just finished merging with your essence for an endless epoch and I'm already back to thinking you're an asshole.

[Rick is explaining why he and other Ricks created Froopylands for their Beths]
Rick: You know why all Ricks made a Froopyland for all their little girls. The same reason I wasn't surprised by Tommy's over-written, badly-structured, cheaply-produced flashback. You were a scary fucking kid, man.
Beth: [aghast] Oh, my God...
Rick: I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a
[burp]
Rick: noble sense, it was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.
Beth: You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?
Rick: Oh, dude, no... no. Bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fucking nutcase. And the acorn plops straight down, baby. Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid:
[pulls out a box full of Beth's childhood toys]
Rick: ray guns, a whip that forces people to like you, invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun, a teddy bear with anatomically-correct innards, night-vision googly-eye glasses, sound-erasing sneakers, false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts, a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat, a Taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge, location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape, mind-control hair clips, poison gum, a pink sentient switchblade.
Sentient: [Rick opens switchblade] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?

Rick: Morty, you're leading the Tree People?
Morty: We have no leaders, we merely follow The Will of the Forest!
Rick: Oh, okay. GAAAAAY!
Zeep: That is pretty gay.

Rick: I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to, which is why I have sidekick rules. If you can't follow them...
Morty: I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.
Rick: Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff? Have you ever seen me bluff?
Morty: Fine. You know what, replace me! Replace me, Rick! Just do it. Good luck finding someone that can be told 80,000 times how replaceable they are!
Rick: Okay. I'll see your bluff call and raise you reality.

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole Planet because of your Stupid Boobs!

Morty: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
Rick: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.

Beth: [Morty Junior's book is called "My Terrible Father"] It's a thankless task, Morty. You did the best you could.
Morty: ...I hope he's eating enough.

Jerry: You took my family!
Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken away from them when you shot 20 cc of liquid dream-killer into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry. She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you. You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive because I know everything. That snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of sh*t, he never gets a break. I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I'll guess I'll hire him, or marry him."

- Tricia, wait!
Morty: Ethan! Ethan!
- Hey, it's okay. Sit down.
- You made my sister cry, Ethan.
- You messed with her body image.
- Look, morty, I...
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Careful, Ethan.
- Your s'more is burning.

Rick: Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle.

Morty: I'm dying, Rick. I can see the black mountain.
Rick: People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.
Morty: Is that true?
Rick: I don't know, I'm just usually around people that die faster.

Mr. Goldenfold: Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions?
[pause]
Mr. Goldenfold: You don't know or you're just bored?
Morty: Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?

- No, the other thing! Go back.
Rick: Really? All right, fine.
- Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore.
- All right, Jerry.
- When you're right, you're right.
- Now I'm hooked.

Rick: Now that's [burps] more like it!
- Morty, here we go.
- Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" Yeah!
- All the ladies say, "yeah!"
- Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!
- Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Summer: Screw that, this is my chance to gain some popularity and some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That's why you party? Boy, you really are seventeen.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: TO GET R*ugghhb*IGGITY RIGGITY WRECKED SOONN

Wizard: Bleed here and here.
Rick: I'm not co-bleeding.
Wizard: Under authority of our treaty, 'twixt the realms of dragon and man...
Summer: Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.
Morty: Summer!

Morty: Rick, wait. Go back. I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.
Rick: That's right, Morty. Only 19 billion snakes can do that. That species was never getting beyond this stage. To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy, "if you bite your first contact on its ankle, you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck."

Rick: You're down here bailing on the rest of us because you don't want to process your grief and shame like a normal person, by drinking and mistreating others!

Rick: [Rick interrupts Fart's song] Shut the fuck up about Moonmen! This isn't a musical number, this is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.

Rick: Pretty cool adventure, huh?
- Big long road trip adventure through space?
- Even ran into Space Beth, maybe that'll happen more often.
- -Let's not overdo it.
- -[watch beeps]
- Oh, shit. Looks like someone killed the decoy family.
- -"Decoy family"?
- -Decoy what now?

[Rick and Jerry fly through space in an escape pod after the aliens ostensibly tricked both of them successfully. Visibly dejected, Jerry draws with his finger on the pod's condensed window pane]
Rick: Hey Jerry, don't worry about it.
[Patronizingly puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder]
Rick: So what if the most meaningful day in your life was a simulation operating at minimum compl-
[belches]
Rick: -exity?
Jerry: You know what, Rick?
[Rick puts out his flask and starts drinking unfazed as Jerry continues talking]
Jerry: Those guys took *you* for a ride, too! You should learn having a little respect for the dummies of the universe - now that you're one of us.
Rick: Huh. Maybe you're right, Jerry... maybe you're right.
[the scene changes to the alien ship. They are seen celebrating the acquisition of Rick's formula by immediately using it, adding all of the ingredients one by one in a bowl. As the last one gets added, the ship immediately blows up in a huge explosion, sending out a shock-wave that reaches and shakes the escape pod]
Jerry: Woah, what the hell! What- what happened back there?
Rick: Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry?
[Takes a final sip from his flask]
Rick: Oh yeah,
[belches]
Rick: you can't. They blew up.
[Rick puts away his flask, pushes a button to make his seat recline, lies back relaxed, and starts vocalizing the Baker Street sax solo as the camera zooms out into the vast space]

Rick: Off-grid, Morty. We're gonna live in the woods like libertarians. We'll hunt rabbits and trade with like little pieces of gold bar that we cut off with a knife.