Top 50 Quotes From Dana Carvey

Weekend: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?
George: What about my butt? Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you? It's hypnotic. Try to look away, you can't look away!

Buddy: [as they enter the sewer] What is that smell?
Pops: It's poo-poo with a dash of caca.

Max: Hey, uh, Gidget, wait up.
Gidget: Oh, uh, hi, Max.
[her tail starts wagging]
Max: Yeah, uh...
Gidget: [to her tail] Play it cool!
[Her tail stops wagging, and she giggles]
Max: Yeah, I just wanted to, uh...
[clears throat]
Max: Look. Have you ever lived across from someone your whole life, but you don't really appreciate them until... I don't know, until they're beating up dozens of animals on the Brooklyn Bridge? I guess, what I'm trying to say is... if you ever want to...
[Gidget wags her tail, and her eyes lighten up. Then she barks and happily hops onto Max and starts licking him and nuzzling him]
Max: Okay!
Pops: Oh, great, you're in love! How gross for everyone! Now, move it!

Church: I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I don't watch MTV, but what exactly are 'pornographic acts'?
Jimmy: They are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin!
Church: I see, and exactly who's chasm were we sinning in, hm?

Church: Now, do I hear you correctly, Joey? You make a pass at a tight end who likes to go deep and long and... this is how you score?
Joe: [chuckles] That's correct.
Church: Well, isn't that special? Now, Wally, you are what is called, I believe, a, a running back. Now what do you do?
Walter: Well, I try to penetrate any opening I can find.

Ross: So, Step 1: a National Curfew, nationwide, lights out, 8:45 pm. Now, you may say, "Ross, what am I gonna do after 8:45?" Well, I suggest you sleep. And you'll be glad you did when you hear that National Wake-Up Siren at 4:45 am. And don't worry, you won't sleep through it; it's gonna be loud! See, now, this way, you can start your fifteen-hour work day at 5:30 am, and be back in bed by lights out. Now, now what does this accomplish? First of all, this curfew cuts our energy consumption by 21%, reducing the deficit by $700 billion in the first ninety days alone! See, now, now that's easier than squeezing a pimple on your ass. I rest my case.

Bill: You wanna swap wives?
Jerry: I'm not married, Bill.
Bill: Do you have anything you wanna swap?
Jerry: Well, not really.
Bill: Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.
Jerry: There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.
Bill: No, I won't bring it up if you don't.
Saunders: I'll bring it up.
Bill: Saunders!
Saunders: Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Church: [to Marla Maples] A week ago, you were an unknown actress/model and here you are, known to millions as the "Trump Pump".

Nadia: Constantine is devoted to me. He respects and loves my mind, you see? Heh?
Church: I'm sure he also respects your ability to twist your body into a hot, sweaty little pretzel, ready to be smeared with man-mustard.

Dana: Jon! I thought you were dead.
Jon: Acting!
[shoots Dana Carvey]

George: [Leading an angry mob to tear down Mr. Potter's office door after discovering that he stole his money] You made one mistake, Mr. Potter. You double-crossed me and you left me alive.

Church: Well, one time I peeked through a hedge and saw minister Bob mowing his lawn in his Bermuda shorts. And to fight my demonic urges I popped a Butter Rum Life Saver and sucked away like there was no tomorrow.

Church: Well, apparently some of us do our thinking below the bible belt.

Wayne: [Wayne and Garth are holding "Chick Court"] I object!
Garth: On what grounds?
Wayne: On the grounds I always wanted to do that.
Garth: Sustained!
Wayne: Excellent.
[they high five each other]
Garth: Excellent.

Man: Are you serious?
Ross: Serious as a bedbug in a whore house.

Pops: That ball of fluff's got a screw loose.

Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dennis: Dashing through the snow...
Dana: In a one-horse open sleigh...
Tom: Over the fields we go...
Dana: ...laughing all the way... Ha-haaa!
Dennis: Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana: Hey, what the hell'is a bobtail, Cha-Cha?
Tom: Don't be a big pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song, ho!
Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! *babe*!
[two of the Dennis Millers start cackling]
Dennis: Enough! Enough! Enough!
Dana: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh... Guess what folks, that's the news and we are outta here!

Vince: Stacy, T.J. has been riding hoods since before you were a campfire girl. Don't worry!

Donnie: I'm walkin', I'm talkin'...
Donnie: Macaulay Culkin!

Wayne: [Wayne's Top Ten Babes Of All Time] Number nine: Elle MacPherson. She's a MacBabe.
Garth: She's a MacFox.
Wayne: MacSchwing!

Loose: Ok, Mr. I-Gotta-Know-Everybody-Else's-Business. I go out with Wang Wu.
Ching: Hoo wah!
Loose: No, I see him next week.
Ching: Who?
Loose: Next week!
Ching: Wha?
Loose: Next week!

Cowboy: You know, when I get to Abilene, I'm gonna get me hot beer and a cold bath.
Cowboy: Not me. I'm getting me a clean shave and a dirty woman.

Don: Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you've noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It's true. And you know why, don't you? It's because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there's the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh?

[Aerosmith are guests on "Wayne's World"]
Garth: Ok, next question is for Steven: ehm... ok, are those really your lips or are they lip implants like Barbara Hershey had in the movie "Beaches"?
Steven: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. They mine, man.
Garth: Bitchin'! Bitch'lips!

President: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in-chief I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won't, but then again, I might. Now if we do go to war, I can assure you it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of Vietnam.

William: [at a Star Trek convention] You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... get a life, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a colossal waste of time! I - I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?
[pointing to a man wearing Spock ears]
William: You, you must be almost 30. Have you ever kissed a girl?
[the man hangs his head in shame]
William: I didn't think so. There's a whole world out there. When I was your age, I didn't watch television, I lived. So move out of your parents' basements, and get your own apartments, and grow the hell up! I mean it's just a TV show, damn it. It's just a TV show!
Charlie: Are - are you saying then we should pay more attention to the movies?
William: No! That's not what I'm saying at all! Hey, you guys are the lamest bunch of - I've never seen - I can't believe these people - I mean, I really can't understand what's...
[Shatner walks off stage and argues with the emcee. They start to shove each other]
Second: Uh... that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We...
William: [the emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner who comes back on stage]
William: Of course that speech was a recreation of the Evil Captain Kirk from episode - um -
[emcee whispers]
William: 37. Uh... the name -
[emcee whispers again]
William: "The Enemy Within".
[the crowd applauds]
William: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So thank you and - and Live long and prosperous. So everybody, set your phasers on stun 'cause this convention's ahead warp factor 9. Y'know? Right! All right. Warp factor 9.

Pirate: Did you hear about Blackbeard's mockingbird?
Pirate: No, what?
Pirate: He killed it.
Pirate: Boy, you could've predicted that.
Pirate: Yeah.

Mr. President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin' out da ol' ying-yang!
Da: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da funkin' saucers out of da funkin' sky!

Alex: [a clip from the cop show "Smart Street"] Get out of my sight, Lopez, or so help me, I'll kick your rear end up and down this freaking block!
Lopez: Hey man, I don't give a flying damn what you say, it's a bunch of flippin' B.S.!
Alex: Listen, you son of a gun, you know what you are? You're nothing but a little piece of bullcrud. You know what bullcrud is, don't ya? That's what you find in a field after a bull's been there. Now I'm going off to the W.C and when I get back, I want your rump outta here!
Donna: [cut back to the host of "Movers and Shakers"] Wow!
Allen: Now, the network wanted me to take out 'bullcrud' and have Cuchek say 'baloney'. Now, I can't have Alex Cuchek, a streetwize cop, saying 'baloney'. The language of the street is 'bulcrud'.
Donna: Certainly... certainly the streets I know.

Johnny: I'm sorry, there I go again, but what the hell, I'm sorry, I just don't see, eh... I don't see people tuning in for Jay Leno.
Ed: No, sir.
Johnny: I mean, eh, he's got that... sort of a weird face, kind of unattractive.
Ed: Lantern Jawed freak, yes.
Johnny: I mean eh, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn't it?
Ed: Dick Tracy villain, yes.
Johnny: That's right.

Pops: Now, if we take the human route, getting there is gonna take days. You may have lots of time, but for me every breath is a cliffhanger.

George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Pop-Tart?

Ross: Now, right, Preident Bush gets $200,000 a year. Forget it! If I'm President, we get 0% growth, you don't pay me nothing. 1% growth? Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country and get 1% growth! I'm sorry. So you don't pay me dime one. Got my own plane, don't need Air Force One. State Dinners? I pay, it's nothing to me, sand off a beach! Now, don't worry about ol' Ross Perot, I got $3 billion back at home.

[Garth and Wayne are meeting Aerosmith]
Garth: Oh, Wayne, I'm so excited, I... I think I'm gonna hurl!
Wayne: Hey! Garth, get it together man, don't hurl, cause if you hurl and I catch a whiff of it, man, I'm gonna spew. All right? And if I blow chuncks , chances are someone else is gonna honk, all right? And that's gonna set off a peristaltic chain reaction.

Casey: Sorry, I'm about as gay as Clark Gable and John Wayne combined.
Harvey: Oooooh, what a lovely combination!
Casey: Harvey, let me tell you something: I'm one hundred per cent man, I'm all male. When I walk down the street, I give a scent. And women smell it. And they get excited.

George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.

John: Issue seven: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!
Pat: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: El Clifto!
Eleonor: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: More-tons-of-fun!
Morton: Well, I think it's "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night."
John: Wrong! The correct answer is: "Show-show-show, here we go!"

Franz: Hans, would you ever go up in a rocketship to Mars?
Hans: No, Franz, because then I would be weightless, and that is my worst nightmare.

George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...

Doctor: I'm afraid we have some bad news.
Young: What! What is it?
Doctor: Well, we just can't come up with an ending for this sketch.
Young: Oh...
Doctor: We can't keep going on and on with these lame jokes and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

President: But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin' yet, wouldn't be prudent.

Church: [interviewing Willie Nelson] Now, William, I understand there is lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll on the road.
Willie: Oh, c'mon, Church Lady, it's not like that. Most nights after a concert I just want to go to sleep.
Church: Come now, William, I know that you have a pile of naked drunken groupies waiting for you and "Little Willie" to rise out of the pulpit.

George: [during the 1988 Presidential debates] Well let me just sum up: on track, stay the course. A thousand points of light, stay the course.
Diane: Hm-hm. Governor Dukakis. Rebuttal?
Michael: I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.

Hans: You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work and we think you are you are one of the greatest non-Arnold actors working today.
Franz: Ja.
Patrick: Wow, wow, thank you. That's really nice to hear.
Franz: Ja, and then we understand your film was the highest grossing movie of the year.
Patrick: Yep.
Franz: Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.

Hans: Here me now and listen to me later but believe me soon or yesterday.

Ross: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.

Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember: it's a business first.
Ringo: Hm, that's what I said.
Paul: Quiet up, Ringo, Elvis is talking.

Pops: All right, party's over! *Myron*! *Vacuum*!

Ted: I'm Ted Koppel and this... is my lunch. Turning our attention to the menu, Sam, you've eaten here before, you've attended many such luncheons. Perhaps you wouldn't mind sharing with us, your insights?
Sam: Well now, Ted, I can sit here and recommend specials until the cows come home, but ultimately, you're the one that's gonna have to eat what's on the plate.
Waitress: I'll come back...

Hans: You know, as you can see, we come to you from just inside the Kuweiti desert.
Franz: Ja, that's right. We have been out of communications since our radio broke four weeks ago.
Hans: But as you can see, our muscles are still intact.
[both start doing poses]