200 Best Rick Sanchez Quotes

Rick: Can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet.

Rick: The answer is don't think about it.

Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Rick: Whatever.
Jerry: Well, um, traditionally science fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.

Rick: [Morty's dragon burns a hole in the living room floor from his cave below the house] And that's the end of the 'Morty Gets A Dragon' episode.
Summer: Are you gonna slay it?
Rick: First off, I always slay it, queen. Secondly, yes.

[after watching Glorzo Rick's anti-Government U-Host video]
Rick: Was I at least rich? D-d-did I at least sell out and sell vitamins or something?
Morty: Rick, I've watched enough PornHub to know what a studio apartment looks like.
Rick: God damn!

Birdperson: For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.
Rick: Buddy this is not a safe way to work on yourself. At this point I'd support you joining Scientology. I'll take the workshops with you, I'll get in the sauna with Travolta, I don't even care what happens. Let's get outta here.
Birdperson: Don't you get it? I came here to end it all.

[Summer, Rick, and Morty are experiencing a glitch as a result of the siblings' bickering and their reality has been split into two hypothetical timelines, which Rick is scrambling to reconcile]
Rick: Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."
Morty: [in both timelines] Or...?
Rick: We "isn't." Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.
Morty,11957: [in both timelines] How do you know that...
Rick: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!
[Rick presses a button on the time crystal and the two realities begin to mend. Unfortunately, Morty and Summer are standing on opposite sides of their respective counterparts, interrupting their fusion]
Rick: Huh. What do you now, it's working.
Morty,11957: Ow, ow, ow!
Rick: Oh, shit!
[time splits in two again]
Rick: What the hell is wrong with you two! I-I mean you four!
Morty,11957: That hurt! That was painful.
Rick: Good! I'm glad it was painful, you deserve it! I saw you! Y-you're both
[belches]
Rick: all over the damn place! We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?

Rick: Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe, because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Night: [Hissing] Why won't you rinse your dishes?
Night: It takes two seconds.
Night: If you don't, the schmutz dries and makes the dish harder to clean.
Night: [Hissing] Rinse your dishes!
Night: [Hissing] Rinse! Rinse!

[Summer is breaking up a fight between her grandfather, Rick, and her boss, Mr. Needful]
Summer: Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here.
Rick: You work for the Devil!
Summer: So what?
Rick,25852: "So what"?

Morty: Rick, let's have dinner with the Morty president.
Rick: Morty, the idea was to get back to simple adventures, the Citadel runs on canon.

AI: Rick, is that you?
Rick: Yeah, Diane.
AI: You've been gone so long. Did you find our daughter's killer?
Rick: Not yet, sorry. Still looking.
AI: You'll find him. You always do everything you set your mind to, except keep your family alive. But that was hardly your fault.
Rick: Mute.
AI: If I could be muted, I wouldn't be too-too-too good at haunting you, would I, you dirty bear?
Rick: Yeah. I forgot I wanted to be haunted.

Rick: I'm Doctor Who in this mother fucker! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your mother!
The: I'm going to kill you!
Rick: Then come to Olive Street!
The: Is that her address?
Rick: You don't know because you're a bad son!

Morty: Rick, wait. Go back. I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.
Rick: That's right, Morty. Only 19 billion snakes can do that. That species was never getting beyond this stage. To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy, "if you bite your first contact on its ankle, you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck."

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs!

Rick: There are suicide capsules in all of your teeth! Do what you want with that.

Dancer: You look like you need a good time. One dance for ten. Two for 25.
Cop: No, thank you, and bad math.

Rick: Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooo, oh boy Rick, I-I don't think you're allowed to say that word. Ya know?
Rick: Uh Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Ok but yeah, I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well that's retarded.

Rick: Hey, Morty, little tip: Don't clean DNA vials with your spit. Let's go. I'm driving this time.

Rick: Ok, Nimbus only drinks the good shit, so just toss this whale-ass ocean wine in here and age it up a few centuries.
Morty: So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?
Rick: I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty! But yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.

Jerry: You took my family!
Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken away from them when you shot 20 cc of liquid dream-killer into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry. She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you. You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive because I know everything. That snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of sh*t, he never gets a break. I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I'll guess I'll hire him, or marry him."

Rick: Rick: We're gonna be fine, Morty, relax. I whipped up an antidote. It's based on praying mantis DNA. You know, praying mantis's are the exact opposite of voles, Morty. They mate once and then, you know, they decapitate the partner, it's, it's a whole ritual, it's totally gruesome and totally opposite... there's no love at all... I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus, it should neutralize the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be over very shortly.
[Flies over crowd screaming for Morty, dropping the chemical]
Rick: Rick: "By the way, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums don't work on anyone related to you genetically.
[the crowd pauses, silent. Suddenly there's screaming, and many of them begin turning into crazy praying mantis monsters, including Jessica]
Rick: Rick: Okay, well, sometimes science is more art than science Morty. A lot of people don't realize that.

Mr. Nimbus: Say goodbye to your precious dry land, for soon it will be wet! WET!
Rick: Yeah, global warming's already doing that, asshole!

Rick: [Unimpressed] Cool beam. But let's bargain. I'm the one you really want.
Tammy: Excuse me?
Rick: Uh, smartest man in the universe? Secret to inter dimensional travel? Ask your bosses.
Tammy: My bosses are bugs, Rick. You killed the old ones. The new ones are half my age. They know that if you're left alone you're...
[Patronizingly]
Tammy: a non-threat.
Jerry: Oof, huh?
Tammy: [Into an earpiece] We got the payload. Fire up the NX5.
[Dismissively]
Tammy: Earth's going tah tah. You might wanna do that thing where you find a new universe where you can suck yourself off.
Rick: You can't tell me what to do!
Tammy: Awesome!
[Into earpiece]
Tammy: He resisted, we can shoot him.

Rick: [to rat, during a fight] By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar, or Stripe, or Goliath. That's because to me you aren't special. You were special to rats, and now they're dead. I guess it was me you should have impressed. God dammit, I love myself!

The: You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.
Rick: That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
Morty: Uh, I don't need a selfie.
The: And I'm saying you aren't getting one, and you aren't leaving
Rick: So we agree?
The: Yes. No! We disagree. Because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
Rick: Am I getting a selfie?
The: Never!
Rick: Then I'm never leaving.
The: Exactly.
Rick: See?

Rick: Before what you're trying to do was called negging, it was called reverse psychology, and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did.

Morty: Jeez Rick, what the Hell, I liked her!
Rick: Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet there, Morty, trust me.
[whispers]
Rick: Puffy Vagina!
Morty: What's wrong with that?

Mr. Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. HAHAHA!
Mr. Goldenfold: Oh my god! How could I not see this coming? MY LUST! MY GREED! I DESERVE THIS!
Rick: This serum should
[burp]
Rick: counteract the negative effects.
Mr. Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies, let's get outta here.
[Off into the distance]
Mr. Goldenfold: I haven't learned a thing!

Morty: [Morty and Summer discover Rick and Balthromar soul-bonding] What the fuck?
Rick: Morty, I can explain.
Morty: Stop! Why are you still doing it?
Rick: Why does it feel better now? I hope it's not because you're watching, but don't go anywhere.
Balthromar: How did you find us?
Summer: We followed the smell of sulfur and skankery.

Glorzo's: Glorzo is peace. Peace is Glorzo.
Morty: Wow, just cogs in the machine, you know? Ma-makes you think...
Rick: Yeah, I'm sure you'll make this into a beautiful short film that your parents'll pay for, Morty, but right now, we really just need to find my ship.

Rick: I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to, which is why I have sidekick rules. If you can't follow them...
Morty: I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.
Rick: Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff? Have you ever seen me bluff?
Morty: Fine. You know what, replace me! Replace me, Rick! Just do it. Good luck finding someone that can be told 80,000 times how replaceable they are!
Rick: Okay. I'll see your bluff call and raise you reality.

Dr. Xenon Bloom: There is no auto pilot, someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually.
[long pause while he looks at Morty & Annie]
Morty: [Morty and Annie look at each other,then back at Dr.Bloom]
Dr. Xenon Bloom: Ya this is all my fault, I'll stay. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that.

Rick: Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?

Rick: Pretty cool adventure, huh?
- Big long road trip adventure through space?
- Even ran into Space Beth, maybe that'll happen more often.
- -Let's not overdo it.
- -[watch beeps]
- Oh, shit. Looks like someone killed the decoy family.
- -"Decoy family"?
- -Decoy what now?

Evil: You can't outrun your past, Rick.
[Rick shoots at Evil Morty who is protected by a force field]
Evil: [tuts] Did you think my force field would be down the second time?
Rick: I was expressing disapproval of your dialogue!
Evil: [chuckles] Disapprove all you want. Tonight, the quality of dialogue stops mattering. Tonight, I do that thing I want to do... with the Curve thing.

Rick: Remember: there's always someone there for us.
Morty: Who?
Rick: My best friend and personal saviour: Jesus Christ.

Rick: [sad] Holy shit I'm a terrible father.

Rick: Morty, did you see another Rick here? Nondescript haircut, sci-fi jacket? Eh, of course you didn't see him, you'd be dead. Or you'd be a bomb. Do you feel bomby? Nah, you woulda blown up by now.
Morty: Wasn't the Rick here dead? Th-th-that's why you pick places, right?
Rick: Uh, well, your Rick, uh, yeah, not dead, more like, not around. When I met you, I was sorta hoping he might turn up one day.
[a location on Rick's holographic map starts to beep]
Rick: You son of a bitch! I got you!
Morty: W-w-where are we going?
Rick: To kill your grandpa, little buddy.
Morty: I don't understand. My original Rick killed your family? And you were just waiting for him to come back?
Rick: Seems like you understand fine, Morty. That was A+ re-piping.

Rick: Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?

Morty: There's snakes in space?
Rick: There's literally everything in space!

Morty: I need to pee.
Rick: Nope. Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow that makes you not have to go.
Morty: I ain't swallowing no centipede.
Rick: What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee? You're not the victim in this transaction.

Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?
[grabs cookie box, eats cookie and starts walking away]
Rick: Mm!
[stops and looks back at Jerry, Summer, and Beth]
Rick: Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers". I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Rick: Well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless...
[looks at something. Morty turns, and sees the vat of acid]
Morty: Goddamnit.

Rick: Let that ointment sit for 10 minutes or you'll die. Don't let it sit for 12 or I'll have to hunt down what you become.

[Rick is explaining why he and other Ricks created Froopylands for their Beths]
Rick: You know why all Ricks made a Froopyland for all their little girls. The same reason I wasn't surprised by Tommy's over-written, badly-structured, cheaply-produced flashback. You were a scary fucking kid, man.
Beth: [aghast] Oh, my God...
Rick: I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a
[burp]
Rick: noble sense, it was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.
Beth: You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?
Rick: Oh, dude, no... no. Bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fucking nutcase. And the acorn plops straight down, baby. Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid:
[pulls out a box full of Beth's childhood toys]
Rick: ray guns, a whip that forces people to like you, invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun, a teddy bear with anatomically-correct innards, night-vision googly-eye glasses, sound-erasing sneakers, false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts, a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat, a Taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge, location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape, mind-control hair clips, poison gum, a pink sentient switchblade.
Sentient: [Rick opens switchblade] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?

Morty: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
Beth: Morty!
Rick: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.
[Morty turns Pickle Rick's face so that it is facing him]
Rick: Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.

Rick: You're going to play that move? You have a Holiday called Ricksgiving! Kids learn about me at School!
Zeep: I dropped out of School, it's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oooh, snap!

Rick: Don't use your dead wife as an excuse. You s#*t on my toilet because you don't know your place. And your place is nothing! So next time you stumble on to a toilet that feels to good for your ass, trust me, it is!
Tony: You're not going to kill me?
Rick: Don't tell me what to do!

Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Morty: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Rick: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.

Rick: Cosmic apotheosis wears off faster than salvia.
Jerry: I'm starting to believe you, because I just finished merging with your essence for an endless epoch and I'm already back to thinking you're an asshole.

Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the Temporal Field I'll be able to interact with any Sentient Life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of Electricity via a Pulley-based Device I call a Bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...
Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.
Rick: It's showtime.
Zeep: You do realise this will make the Flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...
[Rick mimes along]
Zeep: This is slavery, you're talking about creating a Planet of Slaves.
Rick: Told you, Zeep.
Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...
Zeep: That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.
[Rounds on Rick]
Rick: What?
Zeep: Wait a minute, did you create my Universe? Is my Universe a Miniverse?
Rick: Microverse!
Kyle: I prefer teenyverse.
Zeep: [Flicks off Rick's antennae] You bastard!
[Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight]
Zeep: Much obliged!
Kyle: What the Hell is happening?
Morty: Ah, this is Healthy, trust me.
Rick: You're my battery mother****** that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a ******* lobster tank! It's Wack!
Kyle: Are they not really Aliens?
Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?
Kyle: So he made a Universe, and that guy is from that Universe, and that guy made a Universe, and that's the Universe where I was born? Where my Father died. Where I couldn't make time for his Funeral because I was working on my Universe?
Morty: Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like Old Lady Science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!
[Kyle drives his craft into a Cliff and it explodes]

[Glorzo Rick and Glorzo Morty start kissing]
Glorzo: Oh my God, I... I wish we could suck on each other.
Glorzo: I wanna suck on you too.
Glorzo: I'm gonna suck you so hard!
Glorzo: Suck me!
Glorzo: C-can we do this? A-are we allowed to do this?
Glorzo: I don't care. I just want you. Fuck all of this! Let's just get the hell out of here and be whatever the fuck we want! That's evolution! That's progress!
Glorzo: I want a family. Can we have a family?
Glorzo: Yeah!

Dr. Wong: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...

Morty: Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. Lot of people don't get that.

[Russian accent] We got him.
Rick: Because this pickle doesn't care about your children.
- And I'm not gonna take their dreams.
- I'm gonna take their parents.

Rick: Oh, my God. Get in the ship, sweetie.
Beth: What?
Rick: Get in the goddamn ship! Everything's on a cob! The whole planet's on a cob! Go, go, go!

Rick: We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade.
Jerry: Sorry, what's happening?
Summer: I need an explainer, too.
Morty: Yeah, I'm pretty behind on this one.
Rick: Car, can I get a whiteboard?
[Car produces a whiteboard]
Rick: When Squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys and learning that they're making decoys. That's making them seek out and run into other decoys, making them realize THEY'RE decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.
Summer: Say "decoy" again.
Rick: Fuck you.

Mr. Nimbus: I used to fear you, respect you! Now all that's left is pity for a sad, drunk shell of a man too afraid to see how alone he truly is. If Diane were alive today, what would she...
Rick: Don't fucking establish canonical backstory with me, you Red Lobster motherfucker!

Rick: Nice, Morty! The student has become the teacher.

Rick: Now that's [burps] more like it!
- Morty, here we go.
- Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" Yeah!
- All the ladies say, "yeah!"
- Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!
- Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!

Rick: That's who Summer is. She's going to get me out of here. She reminds me of you.
AI: Oh really? Is she dead too?

Rick: There is no god Summer... you got to rip that bandaid off now, you'll thank me later

Rick: Every breath I take without your permission raises my self-esteem!

Rick: When's the last time you go laid, 'pers?
Birdperson: It has been a... challenging mating season for Birdperson.

Rick: Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Rick: Buy another one, Morty! Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus!

Beth: Since when does this house care about alien lives, we don't even watch British television.
Rick: Told you. Let's just get Gene from next door and a homeless guy.
Summer: No hold on. Fuck Gene, fuck the homeless, your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them. When did that stop being a parent's wettest dream.
Beth: I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.
Summer: Oh my god we made a giant incest baby, oh my god you might be a clone, I exist because you guys failed to abort me. We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into space.

[repeated line]
Rick: I gotta take a shit. I'm gonna go take a shit.

[Summer is walking towards the post-apocalyptic warriors chasing her, Morty, and Rick]
Rick: Sum-sum! Let's go! Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting!

Wizard: Bleed here and here.
Rick: I'm not co-bleeding.
Wizard: Under authority of our treaty, 'twixt the realms of dragon and man...
Summer: Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.
Morty: Summer!

Rick: Honeymoon over already?
Morty: What's that supposed to mean?
Rick: Admit it Morty: Dragons suck.
Morty: Why don't you admit you don't want anyone else to be happy because you're a sad old fart?
Rick: [to Summer after Morty walks away] How do you saddle a fart?

- Ah, get down! Duck down!
- It's more fun when you scrunch down.
Rick: Jerry, what the...
- Oh, shit.

- Let me just adjust my seismic-to-English translator.
Gaia: Rick. You came.
Morty: W-where is she?
Rick: You're looking at her.
- I-I-I-I don't understand.
- Isn't it obvious, morty?
- I fucked a planet.

Rick: [Drunk] Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: What?
Rick: [knife at his throat] Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?
Morty: No!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: Ahh!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: No!
Rick: Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.
[Falls asleep]
Morty: What the Hell? Oh God! What a life...

Morty: So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?
Rick: [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.
Morty: B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?
Rick: No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.
Morty: Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?
Rick: You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.
Morty: Oh.
[Wipes tears]
Morty: Oh.
Rick: Here.
[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty]
Rick: I want you to have this.
Morty: Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Rick: Thanks, Morty.
[Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty]
Rick: I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Rick: Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle.

Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a Pickle!

Rick: And that's why I always say Shlum-Shlum Shlippity-dop!

Morty: Can you fly a Black Hawk?
Obama: Can the Pope's Dick fit through a Donut?
Morty: I'm not sure.
Obama: Exactly!

[Rick has just shown Beth that Froopyland isn't dangerous]
Rick: Yeah, whatever. A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2, and it breaks the front page of Reddit, but I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad. I think the words you're looking for are...
[Suddenly, a pterodactyl-like creature swoops down, grabs Rick by the left arm, and starts to fly away with him]
Rick: Augh! Holy f*****g s**t! This thing has claws!
Beth: Yeah, I get it. It's a child-proof world.
Rick: No, no, seriously! This hurts really bad! This thing is sinking razor-sharp claws in... augh! S**t!
[Rick is carried off by pterodactyl]
Beth: You've made you point, Dad... Dad?

[Beth is trying to convince Rick to go to his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Beth: Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. That's a big deal.
Jerry: It's a big deal he has a friend.
Rick: What would you know about friendship, Jerry.
Courier: Confirmed: Shipping Jerry.
[Courier Flaps envelops Jerry and flies off into space with him]

Rick: Come on, I-I-I put real elbow grease into this place.
Beth: Well, you're supposed to put elbow grease into your daughter!
Rick: Gross.

Morty: [after leaving a parallel universe behind, for good] Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't think about it.

Rick: Listen, if the situation keeps on darkening, then you gotta do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates Of The Pancreas. I mean, the top priority is to, you know, get you guys out of there, but, I mean, if that becomes impossible then you gotta treat yourself.

Don: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Garmanarar, three s- eh- bl- um- uh- uh- uh- I'll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year, Bobby Moynihan!
Rick: Interesting fun fact: uh, Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences.

Beth: [Morty Junior's book is called "My Terrible Father"] It's a thankless task, Morty. You did the best you could.
Morty: ...I hope he's eating enough.

[Rick and Morty encounter a sultry and scantily-clad Summer in Mr. Goldenfold/Mrs. Pancakes' dream]
Rick: Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Dream: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an intergenerational sandwich.

Rick: I want cookies and a 90-minute cut of 'Avatar.'

Jaguar: I never bullshit pickle man. This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
Rick: That will be your downfall Jaguar: not being open to new experiences!

Mr. Needful: Do I need to call the police?
Rick: Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf... because I'm not a hack!

[last lines]
Rick: All right. Come on, Morty, let's go home!
Morty: Wait, what? This isn't our reality?
Rick: What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a fucking lesson? I am gonna miss this place, though: Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, 9/11 never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter and jelly instead of marshmallows.
Morty: But... what? The marshmallows are the best part!
Rick: MORTY!

Beth: Dad, are you okay? Your ship crashed in Malta.
Rick: I'm okay.
Beth: Oh, thank God.
[Beat]
Beth: Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon?
Rick: Fuuuuuuu...
[Cue intro]

Rick: Off-grid, Morty. We're gonna live in the woods like libertarians. We'll hunt rabbits and trade with like little pieces of gold bar that we cut off with a knife.

Rick: Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of
[Burps]
Rick: jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe.

Jessica: [On the phone] Come back, Morty. I miss you.
Morty: You miss the old me. You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.
Jessica: How do you know I don't want to love you?
Morty: Because I'm not sick.
[He hangs up]

Rick: I'm trying to repair the portal gun with sex doll parts and I have to do it one-handed!

Rick: Allah euuh... Akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!

Morty: Wow, hey, look you guys, the sun's rising!
Sun: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Rick has given Morty his collar, saving his life but sacrificing himself]
Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.
[Rick spots Morty's broken collar]
Rick: Holy shit, the other collar! I'm not okay with this! I am *not* okay with this!

[Rick and Jerry fly through space in an escape pod after the aliens ostensibly tricked both of them successfully. Visibly dejected, Jerry draws with his finger on the pod's condensed window pane]
Rick: Hey Jerry, don't worry about it.
[Patronizingly puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder]
Rick: So what if the most meaningful day in your life was a simulation operating at minimum compl-
[belches]
Rick: -exity?
Jerry: You know what, Rick?
[Rick puts out his flask and starts drinking unfazed as Jerry continues talking]
Jerry: Those guys took *you* for a ride, too! You should learn having a little respect for the dummies of the universe - now that you're one of us.
Rick: Huh. Maybe you're right, Jerry... maybe you're right.
[the scene changes to the alien ship. They are seen celebrating the acquisition of Rick's formula by immediately using it, adding all of the ingredients one by one in a bowl. As the last one gets added, the ship immediately blows up in a huge explosion, sending out a shock-wave that reaches and shakes the escape pod]
Jerry: Woah, what the hell! What- what happened back there?
Rick: Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry?
[Takes a final sip from his flask]
Rick: Oh yeah,
[belches]
Rick: you can't. They blew up.
[Rick puts away his flask, pushes a button to make his seat recline, lies back relaxed, and starts vocalizing the Baker Street sax solo as the camera zooms out into the vast space]

Rick: What do you think about that?
Morty: I think my voice is annoying.
Rick: It is, and it's your best quality.
Morty: So true...

Rick: Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

Morty: Rick, I'm sorry! I just thought I could have repeated sex with the horse machine without it becoming Armageddon! I realize that's on me!
Rick: [frozen in DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting your apology while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo!

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.

Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary.

Rick: So, ah, wh-what are we doing?
Morty: [Pointing a gun at Rick] Stop asking questions. Stop doing meta-commentary. Just have fun. We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.
Rick: Okay, y'know what? It would really help if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.
Morty: I like Mr Meeseeks.
Rick: Okay, now we're talking. Y'know what, I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment. So maybe Fascist Rick does too.
[Morty opens glove compartment and takes out Meeseeks box]
Rick: Ah, well look at that, now we're doing something we've done before.
[Rick presses on box, Meeseeks appears]
Mr: I'm Mr Meeseeks!
Rick: [Points at Morty] Kill this Nazi prick!

Rick: I have a new catch phrase.
Morty: Oh, yeah? what's that, Rick?
Rick: I love my grandkids
Morty,11957: Aww.
Rick: Psych, just kidding! My new catchphrase is "I don't give a f**k."

The: Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink!
Rick: Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.
The: [snatches pill away] GODDAMN IT, I'LL DO IT!
[the President takes the pill and then his body begins shrinking]
The: [voice rising in pitch as he shrinks] Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?
Morty: Painful to watch.
Rick: Oh, such lame shrinking.
Morty: Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one!
The: [now miniscule] EAT MY SHRINKING ASS!

Rick: Hey Morty, quick favor...
Morty: What, cover me in gasoline and spiders? Fine, yeah, I'm in.

Rick: Listen jerry I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything it's your house it's your world you're a real Julius Caesar But I'll tell you some... tell you how I feel about school jerry... it's a waste of time... a bunch of people running around bumping into each other... guy up front says 2+2 the people in the back say 4 then the bell rings they give you a carton of milk and piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something..I mean it's ..it's not a place for smart people jerry .i know that's not a popular opinion but that's my two cents on the issue

Rick: I hope you're happy with the adventure so far, Morty. These guys are even lamer than last time.
Morty: We weren't here last time, remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde...
Rick: Yikes. Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.
Morty: This article says the reason we weren't involved was "personality conflicts."
Rick: Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheros need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind-blowing.
Morty: I think the personality conflict might have been... you?
Rick: Jesus! How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back?

Rick: [Rick's memory of 9/11, heard in the background] Oh god, oh god, they'll use it as an excuse to strip away our freedoms!

Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole Planet because of your Stupid Boobs!

Rick: Thanks, Mr Poopy Butthole. I always could count on you.

Rick: Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Therapist: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...

Rick: Haha, yeah! Atlantis baby!
Morty: That was amazing.
Rick: You got some of that mermaid puss.
Morty: I'm really hoping it isn't a one off thing and I can see her again. By the way, hey um, still not curious about what might have happened at that crazy citadel place
Rick: Not at all, Morty. That place will not have any bearings over our lives ever again, unlike that mermaid puss. Yeah! We're going back for seconds! We're gonna do that shit every week man! That was Atlantis.
Morty: [while Rick talks] Yeah! Yeah! Oh shit!

Morty: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
Rick: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.

Morty: [on Rick getting horse semen] Did you ask Mom?
Rick: Morty, if I wanted horse semen, I'd... Yes, I asked your mother.

Morty: You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss-your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...
Rick: [opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
Rick: [rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: My marriage is FINE, thank you.
Rick: Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!
Rick: Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Rick: I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this!
Morty: I can't change my nature.
Rick: What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. That's what defines our species! Look at Iron Man! That actor was an animal in the '90s, literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net!

- No, the other thing! Go back.
Rick: Really? All right, fine.
- Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore.
- All right, Jerry.
- When you're right, you're right.
- Now I'm hooked.

Rick: When I create shit it works, Morty, it's called being talented.

- It's okay! Never mind!
- I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
- They're... they're chewing through the doors!
- We're in the areola, Rick...
- Almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!
Rick: I'm almost there, morty!

Morty: Parents are just kids having kids.

Morty: All right, let's just do this. I have English homework.
Rick: You're still learning English? It's the language you speak. How dumb are you?

Rick: Don't ever make fun of me again, EVER!

Rick: When you realise nothing matters, the universe is yours.

Rick: When Smart people get happy they stop recognising themselves.

- I think they're just good guys.
- Oh. Huh.
Rick: Where's Dr. Bloom?
- I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead.
- God damn it, morty.
- I ask you to do one thing!

[Morty is making out with Annie, after he's rescued her as they're trying to escape from Anatomy Park]
Annie: [to Morty, whispering] You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Rick: [over radio] Morty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm trying to concentrate!

Rick: Morty, you're leading the Tree People?
Morty: We have no leaders, we merely follow The Will of the Forest!
Rick: Oh, okay. GAAAAAY!
Zeep: That is pretty gay.

Gazorpazorpfield: [yawns] I hate Mumunmununsdays... and I really could go for some enchiladas.
[Title: "Gazorpazorpfield: Gimmie My Darn Enchiladas!]
Morty: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where- where, uh, where those sex robots came from, remember, that whole thing?
Morty: Yeah. Hey, that's pretty, pretty... that's true, that's right.
Rick: Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey, Jon. It's me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy, fuck you, Jon, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh... guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's... you know, y-you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don't give a fuck. I'm Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch.
[Gazorpazorpfield kicks Jon's coffee mug]
Gazorpazorpfield: Now give me my fucking enchiladas!

Rick: Wait a minute.
[Rick picks up his portal gun]
Rick: Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?
Morty: I-I saw you were marking the levels so I had to top it off...
Rick: Top it off? Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? And you added it to my portal fluid?

Rick: It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.
Morty: But I-it's been like a whole year!
Rick: It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like Inception, Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Morty: Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
Rick: No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

The: Okay, what was that?
Rick: Death.
The: What kind?
Rick: Instant.
The: There was no sound! He just died!
Rick: Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.
Secret: You couldn't just knock him out?
Rick: How is 'knocking out' a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.

Rick: Morty, you nasty, lying, little world-ending pervert!
Morty: [bursts into tears] I'm sorry!
Rick: What was it like?
Morty: Fantastic!

Rick: Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty - just you and me - and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Morty: Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different - no more Dad, Morty.
Morty: Oh, geez.
Rick: He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away. I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home. without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, You're gonna deny it. and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty. And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll, I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about?
Rick: Because that's what this is all about, Morty.
Morty: Szechuan?
Rick: That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.
Morty: McNuggets?
Rick: I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty.
Morty: What the hell?
Rick: If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty. Season - Nine more seasons, Morty. Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce. What is that? For 97 more years, Morty! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty.

Morty: Who are they?
Rick: Crystal poachers; there's no lower form of life. They think the Galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.
Morty: Wait then, what are we?
Rick: We are Rick & Morty.

Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.

Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall and listening to some "agent of averageness" explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle... when I feel like it.

Rick: That's the way the News goes.

Tammy: Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?"
Summer: Yeah, Tammy!
Tammy: But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I'm not a high-school senior from the planet Earth. In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
Rick: Oh shit.

Morty: That, out there, that's my grave.
Summer: Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.
Summer: So you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

[Rick & Morty arrive at the White House via portal. Rick is still holding his martini he was drinking at home]
Morty: [greeting the president and shaking his hand] Mr. President.
The: It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?
Rick: Yes.

Morty: Why... Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them.
Rick: You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel all so they could try to kill a little shit sack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car!

[Rick is trying to reset portal travel throughout the universe]
Rick: Basically, just a hard reset on the fluid. Hold tight, the Earth's going to shake a bit.
[pours portal gun fluid into a tray and electrifies it]
Rick: [a strange green pulse emanates from the fluid, then races across the cosmos]
Beth: Uh...
Beth: [Rick and Morty both pulse green] oh!
Rick: Oh, shit!
Morty: Wait, what? Wh-what's happening?
Rick: Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travelers. Too late to apologize.
Jerry: [entering garage] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.
Morty: Rick, are we about to die?
Rick: No, we're about to vanish from this reality.
Jerry: That's totally dying!
Rick: No, it isn't. It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.
Morty: Back to our original universes?
Rick: I explained it fine, Morty. You're spoon feeding spoons. Wh-where's Summer?
Summer: [entering garage] Oh, nice, you guys are back.
[sees green pulses from the men]
Summer: Whoa!
Rick: Summer. Three of us are one-way, blind hopping. You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore server, file name Booger AIDS.
Summer: Every file is Booger AIDS!
Rick: I-I hate naming things! Just search for words like one way blind hop reset nav beacon.
Jerry: Why do I have a reality of origin?
Rick: There's no time to explain, Jerry. Counting on you, Summer! One way blind hop beacon protocol! Here we goooooo...
[the men pulse faster, but they don't vanish as expected]
Jerry: So there was time to explain.
Rick: Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's run down...
Summer: [blandly] One way blind hop reset beacon booger AIDS.
Rick: Cool. Wow.
Jerry: There was so much time to explain!
Rick: Yes, fine. Hindsight is 20/20. Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
Jerry: How did I end up not in my own universe?
[realizing]
Jerry: Oh, my God. The Jerryboree.
Rick: Ohhh, the Jerryboree.
Rick: Deep cut.
[the three men finally vanish]

Rick: Oh my God! Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty!
Morty: Oh my god! No, no! I-I-I-I didn't mean to!
Rick: Oh, no! God, look at the baby one!
Morty: That's terrible, I killed the Simpsons!
Rick: h my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved family, Morty! They're, they're, they're, they're a national treasure, Morty, and you killed them!
Morty: I-I-I-I'm just a kid, I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!
Rick: Relax, Morty! Calm down, we'll take care of it.
[scoops up remains and puts them in a vial, gets the Simpsons family picture, and opens a portal]
Rick: Okay, I want you to take that vial of the Simpsons goo and this picture to this address.
[hands Morty the vial and a paper]
Rick: They'll make us new Simpsons, Do you understand me, Morty?
Morty: Me? W-W-What you gonna do?
Rick: Morty, I gotta clean this place up before someone somebody comes snooping around! You know how many characters there are in the Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion characters! They did an episode where George Bush was their neighbor!
Morty: Right! Can't argue with that!
[goes through the portal]

Birdperson: May I assist you with that?
Morty: Uh sure, yeah, thanks.
Birdperson: Morty, do you know what "wubba lubba dub dub" means?
Morty: Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.
Birdperson: It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue it means, "I am in great pain, please help me."
Morty: Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.
Birdperson: No, Morty, your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.
Morty: Come on, uh...
Birdperson: Birdperson.
Morty: Come on, Birdperson. Rick's not that complicated. He's just a huge asshole.
Birdperson: Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
Morty: You know what? You're right. I shouldn't even care. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.
Birdperson: My people have another saying, "gubba nub nub doo rah kah." It means, "whatever lets you sleep at night."
Summer: [notification sound on her phone] Guys, mom and dad are right around the corner.
Birdperson: This is your moment Morty, choose wisely. Tammy!
[Tammy hops on Birdperson and takes off]

Rick: If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.

Citadel: D-99, this is the commander in chief of the Citadel's militia.
Rick: Good enough.
[Rick transfers his consciousness to commander in chief's body]
Citadel: He's a spy. Blow him up. I'm gonna go take a shit.

[Morty is driving Rick's spaceship, rather recklessly, so that he can follow a destiny to die in Jessica's arms]
Rick: Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
Morty: Yeah, yeah. I'm just, uh, following... my... instincts.
Rick: Will you just go up?
[grabs at controls]
Morty: Stop! You're gonna make me die wrong!
Rick: Wait a minute, what? Morty, do you have a death crystal in your pocket?
Morty: No... Maybe.
Rick: You little monster! I thought you were masturbating!
Morty: And you took that in stride?
Rick: You rather I address it?

[Rick is unmoved by Morty's arguments that he should be happy at his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Rick: Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advise about stuff you know nothing about and a *lot* of vodka.
Bartender: Mm-hm. I have a lot of vodka.
Rick: Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest.

Rick: I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. But I needed those seeds real bad and I had to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back. So now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about 'em, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important. And they'll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you're gonna be a part of 'em. And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only
[belch]
Rick: friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rrrick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty, forever and forever, a hundred years Rick and Morty, s... things. Me and Rick and Morty runnin' around and Rick and Morty time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over Rick and Morty adventures dot com W W W dot Rick and Morty dot com W W W Rick and Morty adventures all hundred years. Every minute Rick and Morty dot com W W W hundred times Rick and Morty dot com.

Scroopy: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure me and my dad are!

Beth: Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards?
Jerry: ...Yeah! I like it this way. I'm not stupid!
Rick: Man that guy is the Redgrin Grumbholt of pretending he knows what's going on.

Rick: Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.

Rick: Total waste of snakes.

Mr. Goldenfold: Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions?
[pause]
Mr. Goldenfold: You don't know or you're just bored?
Morty: Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?

Rick: It might eat brains and exhale space AIDS!

Rick: To Summer: But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.

Rick: No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Rick: It's a calling card from Miles Knightly, a heist artist - AKA a hipster dick whose adventures are 60% putting a crew together and 40% revealing that the robbery already happened and he's not worth our time because he's a HACK PIECE OF SHIT!

Jerry: Okay, I'll bite. What's with the talking cat?
Rick: It's a dragon, dip knob.
Jerry: I know that's a dragon. I'm talking about the talking cat in my bedroom.
Rick: Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon and you a talking cat at the same time? Those concepts bump. If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto or fucked my daughter.
Jerry: Okay, there's really no need to get savage.

- Please don't shoot.
- I-I'm the vagina guy, remember?
- Whoa! What is happening to me?
- Where is this? Where am I?
- Am I dead?
- A-Am I... am I still alive?
Rick: Those aren't the questions you should be asking.
- Huh?!
- Shh!

Rick: Let me go! Who locked my implants?
Night: [Hissing] I told you to after you fell asleep. You see, night you is not in charge. Night *I*... am.
Rick: Pfft! I don't care. I ain't rinsing shit. Hey! W-What are you doing?
Night: If you refuse to clean your dishes... then I will have to do it for you.
[Force-feeds Rick the food off of dirty dish]
Night: I have always been here, Rick, deep inside the mind of your grandchild, waiting to come out. Your machine allowed me to steal the night. And soon... I will seize the day.

Rick: Weddings are basically just funerals with cake.

Rick: You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your Pornhub account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account?

Summer: Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Rick: Well obviously Summer it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
Summer: Ticketmaster.
Rick: Oh, there we go Summer.

Rick: Don't break an arm jerking yourself off, Morty.

Rick: [interrupting Beth] Whatever you are asking, the answer is I'm amazing.

Rick: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? Y-you realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?

Morty: If you don't care if you die, why do you care if I die?
Rick: Knock it off! Get out of here! You did this last season! You're like a suicide bomber!
Morty: Takes one to know one!
Rick: Yeah, well, you get it from him, not me.
Morty: I don't know him. You're my grandpa, Rick. Rick and Morty. A hundred years.

Rick: Good pitches, kids, I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
Insectoid: Mr President, the blemphlark's value just dropped to nothing!
Insectoid: What do you mean?
Insectoid: I mean our single centralised Galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to being worth zero of itself.
Insectoid: Calm down people! Deploy the Galactic Militia and declare martial law.
Insectoid: Yes sir! What shall I pay them with?
Insectoid: Their payment will be the honour they feel to serve... wait a minute, who's paying me to yell at this guy?
Insectoid: I can answer that, for money!
Insectoid: Gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.
[Shoots himself]

[Beth calls Rick in a knockoff "Star Wars" cantina]
Rick: I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
Beth: Oh, when can you?
Rick: Good point.
[burps]
Rick: What's up?
Beth: Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?
Rick: Mm-hmm.
Beth: Am I the clone?
Rick: Sorry. What?
Beth: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
Rick: [noncommittal] No.
Beth: Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Rick: [sighs] Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
Beth: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
Rick: All good?
Beth: Totally. I'm fine now.
Rick: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
Beth: [noncommittal] No.
Rick: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
[Rick hangs up]
Beth: [breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!

Child Morty Jr.: I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.
Rick: They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!
Guard: Aah! My leg is shot off!
Guard: Glenn's bleeding to death!
Child Morty Jr.: Someone call his wife and children!
Child Morty Jr.: They're not robots, Rick!
Rick: It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats.I don't respect them.

Rick: Oh, well, I can't cure death.

Rick: It's showtime Morty and I don't mean a bad impression of HBO, I mean it's time for a show.

[Morty and Annie continue to make out and pet each other]
Rick: [having an epiphany on how to get Morty and the park employees out of Reuben's body] Morty, can you get to the left nipple?
Morty: Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick!

Young: Morty?
Rick: Oh uh, hypothetical grandson we go on adventures with.
Young: You're one of those creeps who moves in with abandoned adult Beths.
Rick: It's more complicated than that.
Young: You live with a version of our dead daughter. It better be.

Rick: We killed a Vampire and a Gym Teacher! Talk about two for one, right?

Garage: Risk level: unacceptable.
Rick: If I die, your battery has a 600-year charge!
Garage: Risk level acceptance: increasing.
Rick: Yeah, I thought you'd see it my way. Now factor in the 50% chance I'm lying and make sure I get back.
Garage: Asshole: detected.
Rick: Takes one to make one.

- that you almost killed yourself.
- Sounds like a win-win to me.
Rick: Come again?
- If I survive, it'll be without you, and if I die, it'll be on your ass.
- Merry Christmas, bitch.
- I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!

Rick: Hey, Jerry, are you in here being stupid?

Morty: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
Rick: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.

Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to a giant prison. You know if someone drops the soap it's going to land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Rick: Alright Morty, ready to go on our adventure to the lost city of Atlantis?
Morty: Ready as I'll ever be Rick!
Rick: [a portal opens behind Rick and Morty C-137, as another pair of Rick and Morty walk through] Aw, for fuck's sake.
Rick: [Cheerily] Hello. I'm Rick K-22, and this is my Morty. We're going from reality to reality asking Ricks to contribute to the Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund.
Rick: What are you, stupid? We're done with the Citadel of Ricks. I was never on board with it in the first place. That's why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.
Rick: [Shocked, looking through clipboard] Oh, that was you.
Morty: They tried to murder him first.
Morty: Aw, jeez. Well, you'll be happy to know, the council's gone now.
Morty: Yeah, he knows. He murdered them.
Rick: [Cringes] You wanna reign in your Morty?
Rick: Everyday.
Morty: The Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund. Donate...
Rick: Morty, he's not gonna
[burps]
Rick: donate, you're pitching the Policeman's ball to a black teenager here.
[Opens a portal]
Rick: Let's go.
Rick: [Indignant] You don't have to be a dick.
Rick: I think you know that's not true.
Morty: Jeez. I didn't know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel. I wonder what their daily lives are like.
Rick: Well you can keep wondering that as we go on a fresh, self-contained adventure to the lost city of Atlantis. Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.

Jerry: What ray did you zap me with?
Rick: I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air, and now your shoes are heavier than air, which makes you neutrally buoyant, which I find personally more impressive conceptually than walking on water. But what do I know? I wasn't born into the God business, I fucking earned it!

Rick: I don't give a fuck about your penis Morty!

- Just want to be a part of the fun.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here, summer!
Rick: Fucking disgusting!
Morty: Get out of here!
Rick: You ruined the season 4 premiere!
- The season 4 premiere, you ruined it!

[Just as they are about to be attacked by the Cronenberg-world Smiths, Morty and Summer are saved by a SWAT team of Ricks]
Morty: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm Morty C-137!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] We detected a compromised portal gun. Where is your Rick?
Summer: He's in prison.
Morty: [irritated] Summer!
Summer: He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him.
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] Very troubling. We can't risk Citadel secrets falling into the Federation's hands. We'll dispatch S.E.A.L. Team Ricks immediately to break into the prison holding C-137.
Summer: Boo-yah!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] And assassinate him.
Summer: [confused] Boo... nah?

Rick: You know who's into dragons, Morty? Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.

Summer: Screw that, this is my chance to gain some popularity and some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That's why you party? Boy, you really are seventeen.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: TO GET R*ugghhb*IGGITY RIGGITY WRECKED SOONN

Rick: [Sarcastically] Morty, please. Step back. That vat is full of acid. It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones.
Morty: God damnit.
Rick: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Morty: I'm going in the vat.
[as Morty jumps into the vat his girlfriend pushes through the crowd. She runs away crying]
Rick: [Sarcastically] Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid.
NAACP: Agreed. He's definitely dead.
AARP: Why else would the bones come up?
#MeToo: While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid.
[Philosophically]
#MeToo: Are we here for justice, or something else?
Supreme: [With significance] Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice none of us should seek salvation. We do pray for mercy.
Rick: Merchant of Venice. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about.
Heroin: Vengeance is a tomb all encompassing...
Rick: [Hastily] Ok. This isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something.

Morty: Rick, tell summer she can't have a party!
Rick: Uh, summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch!

Rick: Life is made of little concessions.