100 Best Lafayette Reynolds Quotes

Lafayette: I ain't gonna be next!

Jason: You're my dog.
Lafayette: Well, I love you right back.

Lafayette: Well, hey there sweetness. You ready to party?

Jesus: Eleggua and Chango. These guys are pretty fucking hard-core, dude. What do you offer them?
Lafayette: Huh?
Jesus: Lafayette, man, these guys, they have to be appeased, bro, or else they will fuck you up. Seriously, I sing for Eleggua. I put out shots of tequila for Chango.
Lafayette: He drink 'em?
Jesus: No, smart-ass. He blesses 'em, and then I drink them.
Lafayette: Well, maybe I should put out a couple of shots for him right now.

Lafayette: [before they leave the hospital] Is you feelin' me?
Tara: I'm feelin' you.
Lafayette: Is we clear?
Tara: We clear.
Lafayette: We got it?
Tara: We got it.
Lafayette: Alright now.

Tara: The nurse from Meadow Glade? Is this a thing?
Lafayette: If you call two days in a row a thing. For me, it's a record.

Lafayette: [as Jason prepares to dance] You know how much you can make if you had your own website?

Sam: [in his office] Where the fuck have you been?... Couldn't pick up the damn phone?
Lafayette: [trying sincerely] Sorry.
Sam: Well 'sorry''s not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry. But there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead... You know ordinarily, right about now you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. You wanna talk, do some talkin'.
Lafayette: Sam, all I wanna know is can I have my job back?
Sam: Now I oughta tell you to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the V.A. hospital... Of course you can have your job back. Place ain't the same without you.

Lafayette: [looking at all of the food brought by the town] What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.
Tara: [annoyed] What the hell we gonna do with all this?
Lafayette: Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cooking.
Tara: Bad juju?
Lafayette: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it.
[picks up the cornbread]
Lafayette: Smell this. You can smell the-the fear and nastiness comin' off that cornbread.
Tara: [takes a bit] Tastes just fine to me.
Lafayette: See bitch. You gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch.

Sookie: How's your leg?
Lafayette: [flexing his knee] Better than ever.
Sookie: How'd that happen?
Lafayette: Eric made me drink his mother-fuckin' blood is how that happened.
Sookie: Me too. He tricked me!
Lafayette: Somebody need to slap that bitch.
Sookie: I have.
Lafayette: [proud] Look at you.
Sookie: Have you had... any dreams about him?
Lafayette: [incredulously] Now Sook, how would you know about that?
Sookie: What kind of dreams?
Lafayette: Like he's always in my head. And sex dreams is all kinda nasty and fantastic, which freaks me the fuck outs because I hates that mother-fucker more than you'll ever know.

Eric: [moving up fast] Good evening, Lafayette.
Lafayette: [turning and falling from the sofa] No! You can't come in my house unless I invite you in and I ain't no where near that crazy.
Eric: You have to come out eventually. I have all the time in the world.
Lafayette: You let me go!
Eric: I gave you a very generous gift. The gift of not killing you.

Lafayette: [on his cell phone] Yellow, hooker. What's the T?
Tara: [at home] Where are you?
Lafayette: I'm on my way to a party in Monroe. And hell no, I ain't swingin' by by to pick your needy ass up, hooker.
Tara: Lafayette, please. My mama's passed out on the couch and I-I can't face cleanin' her up and puttin' her to bed. It's just too goddamn depressin'.
Lafayette: What's depressin' is how often I get this phone call from you. That's depressin'!

Lafayette: [to Tara] What's wrong with you, Tara? Are you even in there?

Tara: Maybe I should go check on Sookie.
Lafayette: Trust me, that child is dead to the world right now.

Lettie: [Praying] Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities...
Lafayette: ...Who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction. Hallelujah, God.
[Lettie Mae Looks at him]
Lafayette: Jesus and I agreed to see other people. But that don't mean we don't still don't talk from time to time.

Lafayette: Don't blame the Ferrari just 'cause your ass can't drive. You're gonna have to learn to ride the high, boyfriend.

Lettie: [at the funeral] I got somethin' to say.
Lafayette: What is she doing?
Tara: [trying to stop her] No, Mama!
Lettie: Oh, my fuckin' God. Girl, this about to get ugly.

Lafayette: With a momma like you it's a miracle she ain't tried this years ago!
Lettie: Where are you takin' her?
Lafayette: Hospital!
Tara: [crying] No, no!
Lettie: I'm goin' with you.
Lafayette: You failed this girl for the last time.

Lafayette: I'm gonna take Tara to Sookie's. Bud, if you want to talk to her, you can meet us over there. And we're gonna steal this tequila over here, but I doubt that'd surprise any of y'all.

Lafayette: Why come you won't call Jason Stackhouse?
Tara: You are a mean, nasty bitch.
Lafayette: And you need to move your sorry ass outcha mama's house. That's whatcha needs to do.
Tara: Yeah, whatever.
Lafayette: Well, alright. Alright, I's on my way. But you might gotta find your own ride home, just in case I get lucky.
Tara: Whatchu mean *if* you get lucky? Your standards are so low you always get lucky.

Lafayette: Ain't no antidote to V, boyfriend
Jason: When my grandpa was alive, he had gout. And he said just the weight of a sheet on his big toe was too much to bear. So help me God, that's exactly what this feels like.
Lafayette: Maybe you should try rubbin' one out.
Jason: Were you listenin' to me?... I got gout of the dick!

Lafayette: Wait a minute, you slept with Sam?
Tara: You know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette: Oh damn, white folk just all fucked up.
Tara: Yeah, that's what I said.

Lafayette: 'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger,
[puts plate on table]
Lafayette: with AIDS?
Royce: I ordered the hamburger deluxe.
Lafayette: In this restaurant a hamburger deluxe come with frimp fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, AND AIDS! DO ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Royce: Yeah! I'm an American, and I got a say in who makes my food!
Lafayette: Well, baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your goddamn table got AIDS.
Royce: You still ain't making me eat no AIDS burger.
Lafayette: Well, all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here.
[licks hamburger bun]
Lafayette: Eat it.
[jams it in Royce's face]
Lafayette: [His friend stands up to help, Lafayette backhands him to the ground. Other friend steps up to help, Lafayette punches him in the stomach and he falls. Royce stands up, Lafayette elbows him in the jaw and he falls]
Lafayette: Bitch, you come in my house,
[picks up the rest of the hamburger]
Lafayette: you gonna eat my food the way I FUCKING MAKE IT! Do you understand me?
[dumps food in Royce's lap]
Lafayette: Tip your waitress.
[Walks toward kitchen; high fives Jason; goes back to kitchen]

Arlene: [In the woman's washroom] Excuse you. It says "ladies" on that door.
Lafayette: So what you skank ho's doin' in here?
Tara: Watch yourself, bitch.

Lafayette: If ever there was a time to listen to a white man, Tara, this would be it.

Lafayette: Ya bitches just don't know what you're missin'. I got six gears on these hips.
Dawn: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing.You can watch her walk away... make you wanna slap it? Ooo, you wanna slap it?
[slaps her butt as she walks away]
Lafayette: Everybody know that. Everybody been there. Ain't that right J-John's been there!
Arlene: [backing away, hands under her breasts] I'm slapping it. Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
Lafayette: [shaking his hips] I'll give you a little cocoa.
Arlene: Peaches and cream.
Lafayette: Little cocoa.

Tara: The one time in my entire life I thought I was happy, I was a fucking zombie What the hell is wrong with me, Lafayette?
Lafayette: Life ain't not having problems, Tara! It's about being able to deal with the ones you got.
Tara: Well, obviously I can't.
Lafayette: You can and you will, if I gotta drag your narrow ass through this world kicking and screaming. Buddha wasn't lying when he said life is suffering. It don't mean you get to check out early and leave me here.

Lafayette: All the shit I done in my life - the drugs... the sex... the web site. I did it so my life wouldn't be a dead-end, and this is where I end up. Now what kind of punchline is that?
Royce: See, that's why we gotta talk - we gotta tell each other all the shit she we done; that way if one of us gets out, he can tell the world about both of us.
[Weeping]
Royce: I just hope it's me!
Lafayette: Whatever, if it make you feel any better, keep talking.
Royce: Alright, then when I was twenty, my cousin Rufus he was going out with this girl who claimed she could crush a beer can... with her tits. And, one night when we were alone, I asked he to show me. One beer can led to another, and before you knew it, she was crushing my head... with her tits. Rufus came home, and he was so mad, he threw me out the window; my hip shattered into a million pieces, and they replaced it, with... metal.
[Sobs]
Royce: My ass is magnetic now.

Lafayette: I know every man, whether straight, gay or George mother-fucking Bush is terrified of the pussy.

Lafayette: Well, hello hotness.

Ginger: [pointing a gun at him] Who the fuck are you?
Lafayette: It's day time! Thank you Jesus! Thank you god! You're human, right?
Ginger: Kinda! But I ain't lettin' you go, if that's what you're thinking!

Lafayette: I gave you everything.
Eric: You gave me nothing.

Lafayette: [cringing, while watching Jason demonstrate what he went through] Damn!
Jason: Yeah, just like that and no anesthesia either.

Lafayette: That boy is sex on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck up he is.

Jason: I got a lot on my mind lately.
Lafayette: That must feel new.

Tara: [about vampires] Do you think they're capable of lovin' a person?
Lafayette: Who knows what they're capable of.

Calvin: You let these faggots put vamper juice in me?
Crystal: They saved your life!
[He slaps her and runs off]
Jesus: You okay?
Crystal: I can take care of myself. Daddy, wait! Daddy!
[Runs after Calvin]
Lafayette: ...Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.

[Loud knock on Lafayette's door]
Lafayette: Hold on, God Damnit! Shit! What the damn fuck, huh?
[Lafayette opens the door and realizes that it's Jason Stackhouse]
Lafayette: Why, hello, hotness!
Jason: Lafayette, I need your help.
Lafayette: I am so glad you are recognizing that truth.
Jason: Ha. You're wearing gold pants.

Lafayette: I pray to God you ain't the last motherfucker I meet before I die.
Royce: Come on, come on. What about you? You must've done all kinds of shit you regret.
Lafayette: Well, I got in trouble with my boss once for punching out three stupid rednecks at the bar.
Royce: You regret that?
Lafayette: [Faces him] Hell, no, you fucking deserved it.
Royce: [Bashful] Yeah. I'm sorry I hassled you about bein' gay. If it makes you feel any better, once when I was fifteen at Safety Patrol camp I let my bunkmate blow me.

Lafayette: Ring, ring hookah! Ring, Ring!

Pam: [looking at Eric's hair] This is a disaster. We'll have to go much shorter than I planned.
Eric: Well I said I was sorry, Pam. He took silver to me.
[to Lafayette]
Eric: You were there, you saw it. Defend me.
Lafayette: I don't know what it is you want to know, but point me in the direction and I gives to you.
Eric: I've seen your website, it's quite, umm... low rent. But your clients miss you, Lafayette, they're wondering if you're ever coming back.
Lafayette: [nervous] Am I?

Jesus: A visit from the chef. Wow. It's my lucky day!
Lafayette: I wanted to meet the sick fuck who ordered the veggie burger with bacon.
Jesus: I was just curious to see if you'd actually do it.
Lafayette: Boyfriend, for you, I'd do all kind of things against my better judgment.
Jesus: That's why I come back. For the personal service.
Lafayette: You don't finish that, and you ain't getting no dessert.

Pam: I thought prostitutes were good at keeping secrets.
Lafayette: Oh, don't get it twisted honeycone. I'm a survivor first, capitalist second and a whole bunch of shit after that. But a hooker dead last! So if I've got even a Jew at an Al Qaida pep rally's shot at getting my black ass up out of this motherfucker I'm taking it!

Sam: Where the fuck have you been? Couldn't pick up a damn phone?
Lafayette: Sorry
Sam: Well, sorry's not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry but there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead. Wait, ordinarily, right about now, you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. Well, you want to talk, do some talking.
Lafayette: Sam all I want to know is, can I have my job back?
Sam: I outta tell *you* to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the VA hospital. Yeah, of course you can have your job back. The place ain't the same without you.
Lafayette: Thank you, Sam
Sam: Lafayette. What happened to you?
Lafayette: [walks out the door and closes it behind him]

Lafayette: [producing a small bag of pills] Your wish is my command.
Sookie: Oh no, I don't do drugs!
Lafayette: Sook relax, this is not drugs, this is just a Valium.

Lafayette: [to Sam] Well, I'm goin' to head on over to the bar. Make sure Terry's not PTSD'ing all over my clam chowder.

Lafayette: [knocking Jason to the ground] I told you to keep your god damn mouth shut!
Jason: Hey! This is my good shirt. And yeah, I kept my mouth shut.
Lafayette: My supplier, he gone! He fuckin' missing and if other vampires find out that I been sellin', the same shit is gonna - you understand that - the same shit is gonna happen to me!
Jason: [getting to his feet] You got nothin' to worry about.

Eric: You are aware there's a gaping hole in your leg? You're damaged goods.
Lafayette: Not if you turn me. I'd be good as ever. Look I'm already a person of poor moral character. So, I hit the ground running and I damn near glamor people already. Gimme what ya'll got. Not only will I be a badass vampire, but I'd be your badass vampire.

Lafayette: You a dizzy motherfucker. I said one drop, two max, and you took the whole thing.

Sam: [stopping Lafayette before he reaches the rednecks] Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm paying you to cook, not beat on customers.
Lafayette: [deadpan] Then I want a motherfuckin' raise.
Sam: I'll think about it. But till then, no trouble.

Lafayette: See, that just ain't mother-fuckin' fair.
Eggs: Excuse me?
Lafayette: First time in my god-damned life, I ain't chasin' after trouble and it just keeps walkin' through my front door. Loot at you. Damn! Ain't nothin' good can come outta somethin' so pretty.
Eggs: You must be Lafayette.
Lafayette: Uh huh.
Eggs: I'm Eggs.
Lafayette: Tara's Eggs?
Tara: [walking up] You know that just don't sound right. Your name's Benedict. Why don't people call you Ben?
Lafayette: Or "Dict".
Tara: Behave.

Tara: [peeved] Nothin' says I'm sorry like a tuna cheese cassarole.
Lafayette: Another one?

Royce: [after a guy is dragged up stairs] Where are they taking that guy?
Lafayette: I don't know. But sometimes there's screams.

Tara: [after confessing about sleeping with Sam] Y'know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette: Oh damn. White folk get all fucked up.

Tara: Sookie?
Sookie: [wakes up, medicated] Tara. You look so pretty. Like someone turned a light on under your skin.
Sam: [smiling] Hospital gave her pain meds. She's-she's a little loopy.
Tara: [in tears] Didn't you listen when I said I'd lose my shit if anything ever happened to you?
Sookie: Don't lose your shit. I'm fine. Did Sam tell you that he saved my life? He turned into a dog and bit Rene.
Lafayette: [laughs] Well, shit. I'm gonna need some of them drugs they gave you.
Sam: Okay, you guys. We should let her rest.
Sookie: Sam, you need to let people see the real you. 'Cause you're kind and brave. There's nothin there not to love.
Sam: [smiles and winks] Right back at you.

Lafayette: [to Jason] Viagra is legal. You can buy it in the drug store.

Royce: [after being chained up] What the hell you doing here?
Lafayette: I wish I knew.
Royce: [looking around the dungeon] Where the are we? Who are those people?

Eric: If you have any silver on you now would be the time to reveal it.
Lafayette: Now way! I ain't that stupid!
Eric: Yes, you are.
[swiping his mouth, looking at his hand]
Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: What?
Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: I... I don't know. I can't see in this light.
Eric: [goes over quickly] How about now?
Lafayette: [shaking] Y... yeah t... there's a little bit of blood in there, yeah.
Eric: This is bad. Pam is going to kill me.
Lafayette: Who the fuck is Pam?
Eric: Do you want to meet her?
Lafayette: No. No, I'm good.
Eric: We'll you're going to.
[takes the chain from the collar]
Lafayette: Where you taking me?
Eric: To find out what you know. I wouldn't try anything rash if I were you. I'm still hungry.

Lafayette: [to Lettie Mae] Bitch! You, me, bridge ain't gonna never motherfuckin' happen.

Lettie: [rushing to the bathroom] What are you doing to her?
Lafayette: [carrying Tara] Savin' her life! You're to busy praisin' Jesus to realize your daughter's tryin' to move in with him permanently!

Lafayette: Excuse me, who ordered the hamburger with AIDS?

Lafayette: [to Lettie Mae] Do everybody a solid. Instead of looking up at a god that let all this shit happen, you need to keep your eyes on your fucking daughter. She ain't right to be alone.

Pam: [from behind him] Remember me?
[as he jumps]
Pam: Aww, you do. How's life?
Lafayette: Not so good. Uh, is you real?
Pam: [looking around the freezer] Hmmm. This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.
Lafayette: What are you doin' here? I ain't said nothin' to nobody.
Pam: And I knew you wouldn't.
Lafayette: Why then the fuck ya'll just glamour me, huh?
Pam: Oh poor thing. We would have, but then you wouldn't have remembered that you owed us.
Lafayette: Owe you?
Pam: Eric sent me with a request.
[holding up a small bottle of blood]
Pam: You're back in business.
Lafayette: Oh no I ain't. I'm outta that shit.
Pam: So sorry. But you're very much back in this shit.
Lafayette: You locked me up and tortured me for damn near three mother-fuckin' weeks, 'cause you caught me selling V and now...
Pam: Now what?
Lafayette: What the fuck is vampire's doing selling V anyway?
Pam: We're not. You are. Get to work.

Lafayette: [taking a good look at her] You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You gotta date?
Sookie: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette: [laughing] Yes, girl. Let's here it! These damn redneck are suckers for packaging.
Sookie: [nonchalantly] And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette: [smooth] They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs.

Lafayette: [seeing the half eaten food] These fucker's palettes are as backwoods as they brains.

Pam: [to Lafayette] Such a shame. I was hoping I could convince Eric to let me keep you.
Eric: No, you already have enough pets.
Lafayette: No offense, but you ain't exactly my type, bitch.
Pam: Can I kick him?

Lafayette: [In Trance] The God with horns! Worship him, bitches!

Lettie: [about Tara] How is she?
Lafayette: [going to get in his car] Sleepin' finally. So keep it down. I don't wanna wake her up.
Lettie: Thank you for callin' me.
Lafayette: This ain't about you and me building a bridge into our future together, alright? You SHOT a gun at me! But you know what, I don't even have the time. I got two jobs, both of which I need. One of which I already didn't show up for today.

Jesus: [to Ruby Jean] You almost done in there? it's time for us to go home.
Ruby: [Ruby Jean walks in all made up] You have got an excellent selection a cosmetics, I give you that.
[to Jesus]
Ruby: I'm ready for you now. Ain't nothin gonna hurt me when I got on my warpaint.
[to Lafayette]
Ruby: Somethin' different about you.
Lafayette: I don't think so.
Ruby: Y'ain't got your mask on.
Lafayette: That's 'cause you've been in there hogging all my stuff.
Ruby: I can see you. My son is shining through.
[about Jesus]
Ruby: Did he do this to you?
Lafayette: No. Yeah. I guess you could say that.
Ruby: I'll be damned. Maybe God LOVES fags!
Jesus: That sounds like a compliment. Ruby, we gotta go. Come on. You need to bless the jello so everyone can eat. Come on!
Lafayette: All right now, you go 'head. Without my ring, thank you.
Ruby: Come see me, LaLa.
Lafayette: All right, Miss Lady, eat your vegetables.
Jesus: So I'll see you?
Lafayette: I'll see you.

Lettie: [during Tara's intervention] If only Miss Jeanette was still alive.
Lafayette: She don't need no backwoods witch. She needs Thorazine and a padded cell.

Jason: Hey, hey, Lafayette. You got a minute?
Lafayette: Last time you came to me all shaky like this, you wanted to buy some V.
Jason: Oh, no. I told you, that shit's behind me. I just need some meth.

Lafayette: This has got to be the worst motherfuckin' intervention in history.

Lafayette: [to Tara about Eggs] He's poison! He ain't never gonna change and he may wind up killing you!

Jesus: [as Tara & Lafayette enter] Can I help you?
Ruby: [clearly out of it] No. That's just my son, Lafayette.
Lafayette: Hi momma.
Jesus: [to Ruby Jean] You told me your son passed away.
Ruby: He did. God killed him, 'cause he's a faggot. But he keeps comin' back.

Tara: I don't need to go to the hosptial. Just pull over please.
Lafayette: [drives to a stop] You tried to kill yourself!
Tara: I didn't plan it. I just saw the bottles and I thought... enough. I deserve some peace.

Lafayette: Why do you want to give me your blood?
Eric: I like you.
Lafayette: Bullshit. You want to be able to keep track of me. Why?
Eric: You obviously mean something to Sookie. And what Sookie finds meaningful, I find curious. You really have no choice, Lafayette. You know it.

Lafayette: [Jason sticks a meat thermometer slowly lengthwise into a sausage] Damn!
Jason: Yeah, just like that. And no anesthesia, either. First, I get hauled in by the cops; then, I gotta let a dude drain my johnson. That's a fuck of a day.

Tara: How's you leg?
Lafayette: Great.
[when she looks at him unbelieving]
Lafayette: What? I got a powerful immune system.
Tara: You have a powerful death wish is what you got!

Jason: [seeing the vampire blood] When'd you start dealin' V?
Lafayette: When I realized there was a market for it.

Sookie: [about yelling at at neighbor] I shouldn't have lost it like that.
Tara: Don't you feel sorry for yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been stickin' her nose where it don't belong for years.
Lafayette: Say it. I mean, if she talked any more shit she'd be shaped like a toilet.
[as he and Tara start to laugh]

Eric: So, what's it gonna be Lafayette? Would you like your leg to kill you? Or would you prefer us to do that?
Lafayette: I'm gonna go with plan C.
Eric: There's a plan C?
Lafayette: Make me a vampire.
Eric: I beg your pardon.
Lafayette: And you can put me to work in the bar. I'm a good dancer, you've seen it on my site. Shit, I'd get up there and move earth and heaven Go-Go style.
Eric: You are aware that there's a gaping whole in your leg. You're damaged goods.
Lafayette: Not if you turn me. I'd be as good as heaven. Look... I... I'm already a person of poor moral character... so I hit the ground running.

Lafayette: I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big. For all the vital things I had to get and reach and yet there is only one great thing, the only thing to live to see the great day that dawns and the light that fills the world.
Jason: That's beautiful.
Lafayette: That's because that shit is Inuit. And we all is used to lesser religions.

Andy: I've been noticin' some strange things about you lately.
Lafayette: Like?
Andy: Like the fact you just up and vanished for over two weeks. Like the fact now that you are back, you seemed to have lost some of your pizazz.
Lafayette: [almost laughing] My pizazz?
Andy: Right. In case you didn't hear, Lafayette. A woman's dead!

Sookie: [comes in, seeing her crying] Tara?
Tara: [sobbing] It's Eggs.
Sookie: What happened?
Lafayette: They shot him.
Sookie: What? Who?
Lafayette: Andy Bellefleur said Eggs came at him with a knife, confessing to killing those women and cuttin' out their hearts.
Tara: The fuck he know any of that?
Sookie: Oh my god. Tara, he came to me earlier today. Said he needed help 'membering what Maryann made him do. So, so I helped him.

Tara: [about Ruby Jean] Why didn't you tell me?
Lafayette: She made me promise not to. Didn't want nobody seein' her like this.
Tara: But six months, Lafayette? Alone in this place? Even she didn't deserve that.
Lafayette: That's right. She don't deserve it. You know much it cost keepin' her here? More than two legal jobs worth. That's how much.

Lafayette: [about the senator] Did you hear what he just said?
Terry: I can't listen to politicians no more. I get a seizure.

Sookie: [describing her vampire experience] It felt like- It-it felt like every single care or worry or saddness I ever had was just flowin' out of me into him. And, yeah it hurt at first. But then when I relaxed, didn't hurt at all.
Lafayette: [chagrined] I was always too scared to let 'em bite me. I don't know, Sook, I just think that when there's blood involved, a line been crossed.
Sookie: Oh, I definitely crossed a line but glad I did.
Lafayette: Well you go ahead on, hooker with your badass. Good for you. It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line.
[Sookie leaves]
Lafayette: Skank.

Tara: [about Ruby Jean] You think I could end up like her?
Lafayette: There's some darkness in this family, Tara. My momma, your momma. But they ain't strong enough to beat it. We are!

Tara: [from outside, knocking on the door] I know you're in there, even if you won't pick up the phone!
Lafayette: Damn, hooka. Shit!
[gets up and opens the door, letting her in]
Tara: [coming inside] How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie?
Lafayette: What else did she tell you?
Tara: That you got shot and fed on and chained up in some vampire dungeon!
Lafayette: Sookie need to keep her mouth shut and so do you.
Tara: Have you been to the hospital?
Lafayette: Whatchu think is gonna happen if I show up to the ER with a gun shot wound? I don't need the police up in my business.
Tara: You need to see a doctor.
Lafayette: For what? So they can give me drugs I already got?

Sookie: [in the trees, looking at her home] My gran lived and died in that house and now it's like people who were the exact opposite of everything she was... are defiling her... I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse.
Lafayette: Don't take it personal, Sook. They ain't themselves and they're not doin' it on purpose.
Sookie: First time I met Maryann I knew there was somethin' seriously off about her. She was thinkin' creepy foreign stuff and I could tell it wasn't good.
Lafayette: You couldn't have stopped this.
Sookie: How come there's so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?
Lafayette: 'Cause they're weak.
Sookie: Well I am not weak and I am not afraid! I am gonna kick that evil bitch's ass outta my gran's house.

Lafayette: Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I actually can relate to you.
Jesus: Why would you think that you couldn't?
Lafayette: Does the term "Satan in a Sunday hat" mean anything to you?
Jesus: Bitch, my name is Jesus, bro. I am the polar opposite of Satan.

Lafayette: What was it like inside Tara's head?
Sookie: Like there was no limit. Like anything could happen and probably will. You feel your insides expanding but there's also this... this emptying out right at the very center of your being and you don't want it to stop, ever.
Lafayette: Damn, that's deep.

Lafayette: You fellin' all floaty yet?
Tara: [broken] Kinda.
Lafayette: Good. Tequila and klonopin, baby girl. A steady diet of that will keep them thoughts away 'til y'alls more equipped to deal with them.

Tara: [seeing Lafayette and Lettie Mae] Ah well. Looky here. Aliens.
Maryann: Ooh. Who's that?
Tara: Lafayette.
Maryann: Ooh. Lafayette, Ms. Thornton. Welcome, join us!
Lafayette: No. We're good.
Lettie: I'm takin' my daughter away from you.
Tara: Is that right?
Lafayette: Yeah, that's right.
Lettie: [to Tara] Child, listen to me this one time for once in your life.
Maryann: [as she, Tara and Eggs laugh] Don't be ridiculous. Take a load off. We're in the middle of a game.

Lafayette: Look at you! All pornalicious. What kinda crazy mix you done gone and got yourself into?
Sookie: [almost laughing] Can't I just be in a good mood with out it bein' a big deal?

Sookie: I shouldn't of lost it like that.
Tara: Don't feel sorry yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been sticking her nose where it don't belong for years.
Lafayette: Saayy it. I mean, if she talked anymore shit she'd be shaped liked a toilet.
Tara: Tara and Lafayette look at each other and proceed to laugh.

Lafayette: I'm gonna go clean a grill or somethin'!

Pam: Is there a problem?
Lafayette: No, hooker. Look, I can't sell all this sh1t by tomorrow. I got a cousin in trouble. She needs-...
Pam: [Pins him to the wall] I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember, I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long time, long time ago.

Lafayette: Hey, hooker. How you doin'? What are you doin' here?
Tara: I work here.
Lafayette: [not believing] Oh no, the hell you don't.
Tara: Oh yes the hell I do too, you ugly bitch! You need to make peace with that.
Lafayette: Shit. Sam must've lost his damned mind 'cause you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually gotta interact with people.

Jason: It's for this dude who we got in lockup. He's got this information I need, but he'll only give it to me if I get him some meth.
Lafayette: Jason, no. I don't deal no fucking meth. And even if I did, I wouldn't sell the shit to you. And you ought to thank me for it.
Jason: Goddamn it, Lafayette, I'm in love!
Lafayette: ...With the dude in jail?