The Best Royce Quotes

Lafayette: I pray to God you ain't the last motherfucker I meet before I die.
Royce: Come on, come on. What about you? You must've done all kinds of shit you regret.
Lafayette: Well, I got in trouble with my boss once for punching out three stupid rednecks at the bar.
Royce: You regret that?
Lafayette: [Faces him] Hell, no, you fucking deserved it.
Royce: [Bashful] Yeah. I'm sorry I hassled you about bein' gay. If it makes you feel any better, once when I was fifteen at Safety Patrol camp I let my bunkmate blow me.

Lafayette: 'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger,
[puts plate on table]
Lafayette: with AIDS?
Royce: I ordered the hamburger deluxe.
Lafayette: In this restaurant a hamburger deluxe come with frimp fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, AND AIDS! DO ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Royce: Yeah! I'm an American, and I got a say in who makes my food!
Lafayette: Well, baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your goddamn table got AIDS.
Royce: You still ain't making me eat no AIDS burger.
Lafayette: Well, all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here.
[licks hamburger bun]
Lafayette: Eat it.
[jams it in Royce's face]
Lafayette: [His friend stands up to help, Lafayette backhands him to the ground. Other friend steps up to help, Lafayette punches him in the stomach and he falls. Royce stands up, Lafayette elbows him in the jaw and he falls]
Lafayette: Bitch, you come in my house,
[picks up the rest of the hamburger]
Lafayette: you gonna eat my food the way I FUCKING MAKE IT! Do you understand me?
[dumps food in Royce's lap]
Lafayette: Tip your waitress.
[Walks toward kitchen; high fives Jason; goes back to kitchen]

Royce: [after being chained up] What the hell you doing here?
Lafayette: I wish I knew.
Royce: [looking around the dungeon] Where the are we? Who are those people?

Royce: [in the dungeon] I gotta plan. I'm bustin' us out!
Lafayette: Don't be an idiot... Shhh.
Eric: [coming down stairs] No. Shushing won't do any good, sweetheart. We hear everything. But since you made me come all the way down here, I oughta take out some of the garbage.
[kneeling in front of Royce]
Eric: Royce Alan Williams, we have a few questions for you with regards to a fire which claims three of our kind.
Royce: No fucking way man! I don't know anything!
Eric: [pulling Royce to his feet] Crimes against vampire are on the rise. We lost a sheriff just days ago. We seek answers.

Royce: [after a guy is dragged up stairs] Where are they taking that guy?
Lafayette: I don't know. But sometimes there's screams.

Lafayette: All the shit I done in my life - the drugs... the sex... the web site. I did it so my life wouldn't be a dead-end, and this is where I end up. Now what kind of punchline is that?
Royce: See, that's why we gotta talk - we gotta tell each other all the shit she we done; that way if one of us gets out, he can tell the world about both of us.
[Weeping]
Royce: I just hope it's me!
Lafayette: Whatever, if it make you feel any better, keep talking.
Royce: Alright, then when I was twenty, my cousin Rufus he was going out with this girl who claimed she could crush a beer can... with her tits. And, one night when we were alone, I asked he to show me. One beer can led to another, and before you knew it, she was crushing my head... with her tits. Rufus came home, and he was so mad, he threw me out the window; my hip shattered into a million pieces, and they replaced it, with... metal.
[Sobs]
Royce: My ass is magnetic now.