50 Best Sam Merlotte Quotes

Arlene: Sam? I thought you had a no-pet policy on those apartments you rent to us.
Sam: I do.
Arlene: Oh, I see. Unless it's your kinfolk? I don't appreciate you letting them have that dog when Coby and Lisa can't have a hamster.
Sam: What dog?
Arlene: That mean-ass looking pit bull that your mama and daddy brought out and piled into their van this morning. Like you don't know. I got kids, Sam. I can't be having some killer dog - -
[Sam runs out]
Arlene: ... Damn, everybody's ignoring me today.

Sam: You think maybe I should... shut down the bar for the day?
Sookie: All that'd do is deny people a good, stiff drink on the day they could use it the most.

Sam: [to Melinda and Joe Lee] Until I met you, I thought the Merlottes were the worst people I'd ever met. The two of you Mickens make them look like a couple of Dalai Lamas.

Sam: [on the porch steps, after finding Adele] I should never have left you alone. I lost my temper and I shouldn't have.
Sookie: Do you think you could apologize to me some other time?

Jane: [In Jail] Hey, Sam. Join the party.
Sam: What the f...?
Jane: I'd come down and give you a hug, but I lost my pants.
Deputy: Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Must be a full moon.
Sam: Pretty sure it's not. Mike? What'd they arrest you for?
Mike: Sodomy
Sam: *What*?
Mike: Yeah they say I... I sodomized a pine tree.
Sam: What'd you do that for?
Mike: I don't know. Must have blacked out, but it's gotta be true. My pecker's got all kinds of scratches on it...

Sam: I don't know about you, but I think I've seen enough dead bodies to last me a life time.
Sookie: [perplexed] Except this one, I just don't get. With everyone Rene killed, you could see his rage. But this?... Cuttin' out that poor woman's heart? Someone just wanted to see her suffer! Every time I think I know what's what, it turns out... I don't know anything.

Sam: [kinda drunk, to Sookie] I can't be what ever you want, when ever you want anymore. I'm tired of charin' my ass on your back burner.

Sam: [about MaryAnn] Why is she going' through all this trouble tryin' to get to me?
Daphne: 'Cause you got away from her once. She can't control you.

Daphne: Dionysus, Satan. It's really just a kind of energy. Wild energy, like... lust, anger, excess, violence. Basically, all the fun stuff. Maryann brings it out in people. She channels it, controls it. She's immortal, Sam. She never wasn't here, so there ain't no point in fightin' her. You see, you'll never win.
Sam: I'm not just gonna let her kill me.
Daphne: Bein' apart of something divine is worth dyin' a thousand time, you'll see.
Sam: If I give myself up, will she go away, leave everyone else alone?
Daphne: I wouldn't bet on that. She's havin' too much fun and this town is full of crazies, ripe for the pickin'. She's like a pyro in a room full of matches.

Tara: This one time Lafayette went to Marthaville for the night, he ended up go-go dancin' in Palm Beach for like eight months.
Sam: [rolling his eyes] Fantastic!

Sam: Eyes back on your food people.

Sookie: [frantic, to Andy about the body] Check for a pulse.
Detective: Forget it. There ain't no pulse.
Sam: What? Why?
Detective: [lifting the tarp from the body] Because there ain't no heart!

Tommy: Dude, why'd you tell 'em that guy didn't die? You were finally getting some respect.
Sam: Tommy, it's not respect when your employees think you're a psychopath.

Sam: [to Sookie about being a vampire & synthetic blood] You willing to pass up all your favorite foods and spend the rest of your life drinking slim-fast?

Sam: [transforming] I'm not the killer, I swear. I'm a shapeshifter.
Sookie: [thunderstruck] ... Shut the fuck up.

Sookie: I swear I try not to listen, but I can't always keep my guard up.
Sam: Is it true can't hear the vampire's thoughts at all? God, that's- I mean that must be very relaxin' for you. You know, not having to work so hard not to hear.

Sam: [shouting to Bud] Got no evidence, Bud! Got no right to keep me locked up!

Tara: You know you're about as subtle as a flying brick. Maryann says if you want some thing, you don't wait for it to come to you. You demand it.
Sam: [annoyed] Do me a favor. Don't quote Maryann to me.
Tara: Well excuse me for givin' a damn.

Sam: It would only be a matter of time 'fore you went off on somebody. I don't wanna drive my customers away.
Tara: I only go off on stupid people.
Sam: Most of my customers *are* stupid people.
Tara: Yeah, but... I could help you keep an eye on Sookie. You see the way she was looking at that vampire? That is just trouble looking for a place to happen.

Sam: [hauling her into his office] Sookie, you're being a very stupid girl!
Sookie: Who asked you? I-I can take care of myself.
Sam: [yelling] I don't think so! Mac could have seriously cut you up last night!
Sookie: How do you know what Mac would have done?
Sam: Now you're setting up a date with a vampire. What do you have, a death wish?
Sookie: No I don't have a death wish. I just happen to think that judging an enitre group of people based on the actions of a few individuals within that group is morally wrong!
Sam: Well, I will not let you put yourself or this bar in danger. I won't!
Sookie: A-am I fired?
Sam: No! But next time you think somebody's being harmed in the parking lot, pick up the phone and call the police. Do not go out there alone like a goddamn vigilante!

Terry: [looking at Sam's packed SUV] So you're just gonna cut and run? Just like that?
Sam: I'm not runnin'.
Terry: [almost angry] Uh huh. Remind me never to get stuck in a fox hole with you... coward.

Melinda: You warm now, son?
Tommy: Little better, yeah.
Sam: Well, now you give a shit. I thought Tara had a shitty mother but you take the cake!
Joe: Don't talk to your mother that way.
Sam: Don't you fucking talk to me that way! Like making people scared? Think you're good at it? I can't understand the power you got over them, because I see you for what you are. You're just a scared man in saggy underpants with no discernable life skills whatsoever.

Coby: [to Eric] Can we see your fangs?
Eric: [draws his fangs as Lisa flinches] Don't you like vampires, little girl?
Sam: [chafed] Eric!
Lisa: Our almost step-dad hated vampires, but we don't.
Coby: He went on a vacation with Jesus.
Pam: [miffed] You make me so happy I never had any of you.
Eric: Oh come on, Pam. They're funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans.

Sam: Listen, I know everyone says it, but I'm really not the guy you want.
Sheriff: If it's like you said, that there's something out there that's fixin' to get you, than jail's about the safest place to spend the night.
[locking the holding cell]

Audrey: [over the phone] I hope I didn't wake you?
Sam: I'm really glad you did, Audrey.

Maryann: [standing in the door] You have something for me... Carl said you stopped by with a gift... I do love presents.
Sam: [takes out the bag of money and hands it to her] I don't know how you found me... I assume this is what you came for... I'm sorry. I was young and scared at the time.
Maryann: [squating down, opening the bag] I remember... Oh, you sweet thing. It's not your money I want.

Sam: I need a live animal in order to shift. You know, as a model. Kinda like an imprint.

Sam: [about Sookie] She said she wants to be alone.
Tara: Well, I don't.
Sam: Me either.

Sam: [to Tara] Well, I hate to break it to you but you're not even the most fucked up person in this house much less this town.

Sam: I spent my whole life either running away from people or pinning my hopes on somebody I can't have. I'm done with that.

Detective: [inside the freezer] Aren't you glad I didn't take you advice and quit drinkin'?
[passing him the bottle]
Detective: It's gonna save out lives.
Sam: If I had left this town when I wanted to, nobody'd be in this situation.
Sam: Don't beat yourself up Sam. You've been real good to this town, even if you are sometimes a nudist.

Terry: [On the phone] Arlene's fixing to throw a Molotov through your brother's window if you don't get here.
Sam: Well, why? What's going on?
Terry: There's all kinds of noises, Sam. Girl noises. Ordinarily, I wouldn't wanna keep anybody from enjoying themselves...
Arlene: Enjoying? She sounds like she's being murdered!
Terry: Listen, I got me two kids with school in the morning and a pregnant woman who says she needs at least nine hours sleep.
Arlene: It's for the baby!

Detective: [inside the freezer] We are fucked!
Sam: We're still alive.
Detective: For now! What we gonna do? We gonna have to kill them all.
Sam: Well even if we could, those are our friends and neighbors.
Sam: And cousins!
Detective: Right. We can't kill 'em.

Maryann: [at Tara's party] Well, I have to say I'm impressed by your showing up.
Sam: Okay, listen. Go ahead and turn me. Reveal what I am. But you will also reveal yourself in the process.
Maryann: [giddy] Reveal myself as what?
Sam: As what ever the hell you are. A witch, a sorceress, a demon, I don't know what you are. I don't know what you're doing here, but these are people I care about. And I will not stand by if you try and hurt any of them.
Maryann: Even when they've dumped you or chosen a dead man over you? You're really not an alpha, are you?

Sam: I'm a simple guy.
Sookie: [burst out laughing] What a load of horse pucky. Simple is one thing that you are not.

Sam: Sookie, you have no future with a vampire!
Sookie: They don't die. I've got nothing but a future with one.

Sookie: [seeing Bill, excited] Oh, my God! I think Merlotte's just got its first vampire.
Sam: [looking over her shoulder] I think you're right.
Sookie: Can you believe it? Right here in Bon Temps.

Sam: [knocking on the van door] You're sleepin' in my parking lot?
Melinda: We hadn't left yet because uh... well um, we got no where to go. We're a little behind in the rent. Plus our landlord got foreclosed on.
Sam: Oh, so that's why you came here? To eat me food and steal from me! Tommy tried to break into my safe.
Melinda: Shoot! Somethime I think that boys cheese done slid right off his cracker! He does desperate things when we fall on hard times.

Sue: We never thought we'd see you again.
Sam: Well, never say never when there's the Internet.
Sue: Sam, if you came for an explanation, um I don't have a good one. Mitchell and I were down to our last nickle and we were scared. We still don't know what we saw that night.
Sam: You saw me turn into a dog. So apparently that was worth abandoning me over. I spent the next nineteen years making sure nobody knew what I really was. That's what you left me with.
Sue: [crying] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We never meant to hurt you.

Sam: [surprised] Y-you're a...
Daphne: A shapeshifter and proud of it!
Sam: How'd you... how'd you find out about me?
Daphne: Last night in the woods, I watched a dog jump in the water and it came up you.

Sam: Remind me why I hired you again.
Tara: Affirmative action!

Sookie: A shape shifter?
Sam: Most of us refer to ourselves simply as shifters.

Sam: [tp Mary Ann] I don't know what you're doing here. But these are people I care about and I will not stand by and watch you hurt any of them.

Daphne: [walking through the woods, undressing] You're carrying that secret like a two-ton sack of feed on your back and it doesn't have to be that way.
Sam: Secret? What secret?
Daphne: [going behind a tree] Fiber!
Sam: I ain't in the mood tonight, little girl... Daphne?
[picking up her clothes, seeing a fawn]
Sam: Well, hey.
Daphne: [shifting back] Hey your own self.

Sam: Maryann isn't human. She is a supernatural creature. She is immortal. She has powers and she's not leavin' till she gets what she wants, which I think is me.
Detective: What's she want you for?
Sam: I think she wants to cut out my heart while a bunch of naked people watch. All for Dionysus or Satan or some god that has horns that she wants to awaken.
Detective: People thought *I* was crazy, 'cause I thought I saw a pig!

Sam: Where the fuck have you been? Couldn't pick up a damn phone?
Lafayette: Sorry
Sam: Well, sorry's not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry but there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead. Wait, ordinarily, right about now, you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. Well, you want to talk, do some talking.
Lafayette: Sam all I want to know is, can I have my job back?
Sam: I outta tell *you* to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the VA hospital. Yeah, of course you can have your job back. The place ain't the same without you.
Lafayette: Thank you, Sam
Sam: Lafayette. What happened to you?
Lafayette: [walks out the door and closes it behind him]

Sookie: Speaking of which, you heard about the...
Sam: Mmm? Yeah! Jesus Christ - and Andy shot him?
Sookie: Welcome back huh?
Sam: Good thing this town doesn't have many other bar options.

Sam: [about her party] What do you want it took look like?
Terry: A débutante ball.
Arlene: [happily] Hug your neck! You know exactly what I'm talkin' about. I'll be right back. Thank you, Sam!
[walks off]
Sam: How'd you know what she wanted?
Terry: My cousin Portia was a deb, in Shreveport when she turned 18. Every Bellefleur woman's been doin' it since they started having 'em before the Revolutionary War.
Sam: Must be nice to come from such an old family.
Terry: All families are old, Sam. Some just keep better records.

Tara: Can I ask you a personal question?
Sam: Hold on.
[takes a drink]
Sam: All right.
Tara: Are you lonely?
Sam: Yes, I am. I am very, very lonely.

Eric: Why should I help you... shifter?
Sam: Because I need 'your' help. We need it and hopefully some day I might be able to give you something you need.
Eric: Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?
Sam: No.
Eric: Well that's a shame. That would be a tribute I would not soon forget.
Sam: [irate] I'm not here to give you tribute, Eric.
Eric: No, you're here to request my help based on a hypothetical future in which you return the favor... But you are known not to be to friendly towards those like me. Why should I trust you?
Sam: Because until somebody starts trusting somebody, we're all single targets just right for the picking.