Top 1000 Quotes From True Blood

Bill: [awakens, very weak and looks around seeing 2 bodies] The others?
Lorena: [meakly] They all presented themselves as gentlemen. Blame the war if you like. They proved to be no more than savages once I let them into my home. They deserved no better.
Bill: Am I dying?
Lorena: Oh, yes. But I'm not keen to let you go quite so easily. I've waited a long time for a man such as you.
[straddles his waist and cuts her neck]
Lorena: Drink. If you do not drink, you will die as certain as I am speakin' to you right now. Do you wish to see your family again? Your wife, your children? You must drink from me.
[Bill drinks with reluctance]
Lorena: Take me in you. Feel me in you. We are together, William. Forever! You are mine!

Stan: Steve Newlin! You have pushed us too far. You expect us to sit on our thumbs while you round up your men to come lynch us? We'll kill you first. Same way we did your father.
Sookie: Oh god, no.
Steve: Murderer!
Stan: [to the other vamps] Destroy all of them.
Godric: [as the vamps swarm the church] Enough! You came for me, I assume. Underlings?
Stan: Yes, sheriff.
Godric: These people have not harmed me. You see we can coexist. Mr. Newlin, I do not wish to create blood shed when none is called for. Help me set an example. If we leave you in peace, will you do the same?
Steve: [seething] I will not negotiate with subhumans! Kill me. Do it. Jesus will protect me.
Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.
[to the armed congregation]
Godric: Good people, who of you is willing to die for this man's madness?
[met with silence]
Godric: That's what I thought. Stand down, everyone. People, go home. It's over now.
Sookie: Oh, thank god. Bill?
Bill: It's alright. You're safe now.

Rene: Maybe you two are next, huh? Well, I mean, when it becomes legal.

Jason: Most of the gays I come across, they look like...
Eddie: You. You're what we're supposed to look like.

Sam: Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to give you a place, to stay, for now, till you get back on your feet. No more stealin'
[gestures to Tommy]
Sam: , no more drinkin'
[looks at Joe Lee]
Sam: or the deal's off.
Melinda: I think we can manage that
[Looks at her husband and son, gestures for Joe Lee to commit to Sam's requirements]
Melinda: .
Joe: I don't see why not. Tommy? Think you can fly straight from now on?
[Looks at Sam with a slight smile]
Joe: Supposed to be a joke.
Tommy: Maybe I can.
[Sam looks pleased]

Jessica: [crying to Bill before she is turned] I'm a good girl. Jesus will take me home to heaven.

Lafayette: [to Tara about Eggs] He's poison! He ain't never gonna change and he may wind up killing you!

Bill: These wolves do your bidding?
Russell: Well, unfortunately not as well as I hoped. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Compton.
Bill: [incredulous] You're *sorry*? Your Majesty. You had me abducted by werewolves!... Dragged across state lines. They took silver to me; fed on my blood!

Jason: [Pretending to be god] As your leader, I am very pleased with my offering.
Jane: Thank you god.
Jason: You are welcome - you're all blessed.
[Crowd cheers]
Jason: Now go!
Terry: Squad, report to Maryanne for debriefing.
Jane: Anyone who wants to debrief me can do so right now!
[Crowd cheers]

Sookie: [in the woods, hearing crackling sounds] Bill?... Bill, if you're trying to scare so I'll get back in that car with you, it isn't gonna work.

Bill: May I call on you sometime?
Sookie: Call on me?
Bill: Um... may I come and visit with you at your home?
Sookie: Sure. My grandmother would love to meet you. Oh! That reminds me. Can I talk to you after work? I have a favor to ask you.
Bill: Of course. After all, I am in your debt.
Sookie: Not a favor for me, for my grandmother. If, if you'll be up... well, I guess you will be. Would you mind meetin' me around the back of the bar when I get off at... probably around 1:30?
Bill: I'd be delighted.

Peach: Aaaaand... what is your vegetable of the day?
Arlene: That would be the peas.
Peach: Hmm. And... how are those prepared?
Arlene: Those are dumped out of a can into a big pot and heated up. I mean where do you think you are, lady, Red Lobster?
Peach: Hey, I am paying good money to eat here. You wanna keep any of that cheap dyed hair, you better stop mouthing off to me.

Bill: [seeing Jenella's bloody body] You know, y'all make me sick.
Diane: You used to be fun. This all on a count of that little breather?
Bill: If you insist on flaunting your ways in front of mortals, there will be consequences.

Russell: What are you besides a telepath? And what on Earth makes that light come out of your hands? Oh. Don't make me force it out of you.
Sookie: [Starts crying] I don't know. I never even knew I could do it until recently, and I don't know what I am. Maybe I'm an alien. All I know is it's something big, so if I were you I wouldn't hurt me or anyone I care about.

Blood: That's it, baby.
Eric: "Baby"? I'm over a thousand years old.
Blood: Are you not having a good time?
Eric: There's just not much thrill left in feeding on the willing.

Lisa: Sam, did you know my daddy?
Sam: I did not. Your mom... she split up with him before I came to town. I heard about him, though.
Lisa: What did you hear?
Sam: That... he was... he was a bit of a wild card, with a big personality.
Lisa: I don't even know what he looks like. Mama cut him out of all the picture she had. All I know is his name's Dwayne, and he tattooed Mama's name on his stomach.
Sam: Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.

Sophie: Go fuck yourself.
Russell: Mm.
Eric: [Attacks Sophie-Anne, pins her to the ground] No, sweetheart. You go fuck yourself. Oh, I am older and stronger than you. I only submitted to you in the past because of respect. But you framed me. So I renounce any and all allegiance to you. I am his now.
Sophie: I refuse to grant you...
Eric: I will rip your head off and throw it in the pool. And I will have fun doing it.

Detective: Sam's not the one you want, he's the victim. I saw him nearly get killed last night.
Sheriff: By who?
Detective: The bull!
Deputy: The what?
Deputy: Oh, Andy.
[to Kenya]
Deputy: He thinks he saw some kind of bull.
Detective: With *claws*. A bull. In a dress. With claws!

[Pam walks in and interrupts Eric and Sookie]
Eric: What?
Pam: Blah blah vampire emergency, blah

Sookie: [when he walks through the house] Jason, what are you doing?
Jason: [breathing heavy] Heh? Huh? Nothing.
[looking at her neck, furious]
Jason: You went ahead and did it, huh? My own sister. Nothing but a damned fangbanger. And you saved it all these years for a fucking vampire.
Sookie: Bill is a gentleman.
Jason: He bit you!
Sookie: He doesn't hit me, which is more than I can say for you!
Jason: I tried to apologize for that but you wouldn't let me.

Lafayette: Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I actually can relate to you.
Jesus: Why would you think that you couldn't?
Lafayette: Does the term "Satan in a Sunday hat" mean anything to you?
Jesus: Bitch, my name is Jesus, bro. I am the polar opposite of Satan.

Amy: [Amy and Jason are entering Merlotte's] Intense! All these animals on the wall, it's like a natural history museum.
Jason: Hah! I never noticed them.
Amy: How could you not? Everyone of these animals lived a life full of experiences that we can't even imagine!
Jason: Does that weird you out? We could always go someplace else!
Amy: No, no. Everyone has to eat, right? We're all links on the universal food chain. See, squirrel eats nuts, snake eats the squirrel, gator eats the snake. And we can eat pretty much anything we want. It's the circle of life.
Jason: Jesus Christ, I wanna lick your mind!
Amy: Let's have lunch first.

Hoyt: [about Dawn] I don't get it. She was so pretty.
Arlene: Well, maybe it was just her time.
Rene: [scoffing] Ahhhhh! She was only 23 years old. Ain't no 23 year old in the world whose time has come.

Tara: Give us a little girl time. Come on Lafayette.

Sookie: Shoot! Darn it! Son of a mother... fudge!

Sookie: I always need you.

Tara: The sideshow's over!

Sookie: Why are you even here? I thought you had other things to deal with.
Eric: Yeah, I do, and I need to think. So please don't take this the wrong way, but shut up.
Sookie: Eric, please, I'm begging you - -
[Eric covers her mouth]
Eric: Thank you.

Tara: [seeing her breakfast] This isn't food. This is sculpture.

Sookie: Do you know anyone named Jackson? It's the only thing I could make out. Maybe that's the person he's working for.
Eric: Jackson's where he lives. He had a Mississippi accent... can't you people tell the difference?
Sookie: He's from Jackson? Do you think that's where Bill is? Eric, we have to go like yesterday.
Eric: I can't. Not yet. The problems of the world consist of more than finding your missing boyfriend. You shouldn't go by yourself either. These werewolves are looking for you. You're no good to Bill or to me if you are dead.
Sookie: [confused] How can you stand to sit around when we finally have a lead?
Eric: It'll be morning by the time you get to Jackson. If you're planning on rescuing a missing vampire during daylight, I have seriously over-estimated your intelligence. Please take the day to think it over.
Sookie: Fine. I'll leave tomorrow. I have to go. Bill would do it for me. I don't expect you to understand.
Eric: ...I understand very well.
Sookie: If I do get into some kind of trouble, you'll feel it right?... How fast can you get to Mississippi?
Eric: Probably not fast enough. Stay out of trouble, Ms. Stackhouse. You'll do us both a favor.
[leaves at vampiric spead]

Rene: Ahhh, I think we got a flat tire.
Arlene: Oh, come on, baby, the kids are waiting on us. I don't wanna leave them with that vampire one second longer than I have to.
Rene: Okay, okay, okay. I'm getting to it, woman.
[Rene climbs out of the truck]
Rene: Baby.
Arlene: What?
Rene: Pass me that Maglite, will you?
[Arlene finds the flashlight in the glove compartment, and climbs out of the truck, too]
Arlene: [trying to turn the flashlight on] Crap, it's burnt out.
Rene: Are you sure? You better check it. I just put some fresh batteries in there.
[Arlene pops open the battery compartment, and ring falls to the ground]
Rene: [picking the ring up] Arlene Fowler... would you do me the honor of being my wife?

Amy: [after telling Jason how she feels about him] Why is it that we all need to be loved, but then when somebody finally says, I love you, people just run scared?

Sheriff: That son of buck's been killin' since the 1860's. Why stop now?
Andy: That don't prove anything; my cousin Terry killed 20 Iraqis in Fallujah. You sayin' we should lock him up?
Sheriff: Your cousin Terry *should* be locked up.

Jessica: Excuse me, ma'am? You're not hungry anymore. Now, I want you to take all the money you have and leave it on the table...... then head to the ladies', alrighty?

Tara: [about Ruby Jean] Why didn't you tell me?
Lafayette: She made me promise not to. Didn't want nobody seein' her like this.
Tara: But six months, Lafayette? Alone in this place? Even she didn't deserve that.
Lafayette: That's right. She don't deserve it. You know much it cost keepin' her here? More than two legal jobs worth. That's how much.

Jessica: [being told to go to bed] Compared to Fangtasia, this blows!

Summer: [Faux ominously] May I come in?
Hoyt: Summer.
Summer: I'm just kidding. I'm not a vampire like your last girlfriend.
[Enters]
Hoyt: ...Girlfriend?

Coby: [to Eric] Can we see your fangs?
Eric: [draws his fangs as Lisa flinches] Don't you like vampires, little girl?
Sam: [chafed] Eric!
Lisa: Our almost step-dad hated vampires, but we don't.
Coby: He went on a vacation with Jesus.
Pam: [miffed] You make me so happy I never had any of you.
Eric: Oh come on, Pam. They're funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans.

Denise: [thinking, as she's sizing up Bill] Not that big but he's still probably got 11 or 12 pints in him. Holy shit! That's almost 200 ounces! I bet we could get 500 an ounce in Dallas. Fuck me, that's $10,000! Sweet Jesus!

Sophie: What gives you the right to say "no" to the femoral blood of a good human woman? You know what your problem is, William? You're a snob. I hate snobs. Tiny, tiny souls... or penises. Or Both.

Joe: Don't ever get married, Sam. The second you do, that's when they start to 'woman' you!

Tara: Did you know MaryAnn wants us all to be roommates here?
Eggs: No. Cool. I guess that other guy came back from Peru.
Tara: No, not cool! Not gonna happen. I just moved in.
Eggs: Okay, fine. We can go some where else if that's how you feel about it.
Tara: That's all you gotta say?
Eggs: Relax. It's not big deal.
Tara: What are you? What are you? Nomads?
Eggs: We move around a little bit. Nothing wrong with that.
Tara: Wait nothing! I didn't know. You coulda told me.
Eggs: Who cares? What matters is being with the people you love.
Tara: Well, other things matter too! Like knowin' the truth about the poeople you love. So while we're on the subject, what exactly is your 'thing' with MaryAnn?
Eggs: Look, when I was ready to lay down and die she lifted me up. Same as she did you.
Tara: Now you follow here where ever she goes?
Eggs: I'm not her dog if that's what you're trying to say. And why all of a sudden are you so paranoid about MaryAnn?
Tara: Because I'm tryin' not to be a fool.
Eggs: You know what this is about? Your history is so fucked up, you have no clue what family is.
Tara: [hurt] That's not fair. I do have a clue.
Eggs: Who gives a damn about a house. MaryAnn, Carl, and me; we take care of each other. We took care of you. That's what family is, Tara.

Melinda: My back's done shot from all the years I spent in the ring. I ain't able to work now. You wanna just leave me to rot in an alley somewhere?
Tommy: Course no, Mama.
Melinda: I did it till I couldn't do it anymore, and now it's your turn.
Tommy: It ain't right.
Melinda: The world ain't right, you selfish little shit. Without you, we ain't gonna survive. We can't do it.
Tommy: Yeah, but maybe with Sam's help...
Melinda: You can't trust Sam. He may be blood, but he ain't family. And he ain't never gonna be. He looks down on us. Thinks he's better than us.
Tommy: Yeah, well, maybe he is.

Pam: [to the Magister about the earrings] How'd you know I was a Tiffany's girl?
Magister: Hm. Most women are. And those who aren't just think they're not.
Pam: They're beautiful.
Magister: Mm. They're sterling silver.
Pam: Excellent. They'll match my chains.

Sookie: [leaning into him] Oh my god. You're so warm.
Alcide: Sorry.
Sookie: It's okay. I'm just not used to it.
Alcide: It's a Were thing. We run hot.
Sookie: I thought you were comin' down with the flu.
Alcide: ...You probably want some privacy.
Sookie: That's the last thing I want.

Tara: I don't need to go to the hosptial. Just pull over please.
Lafayette: [drives to a stop] You tried to kill yourself!
Tara: I didn't plan it. I just saw the bottles and I thought... enough. I deserve some peace.

Jason: I love the smell of nail polish in the morning!

Eric: I have no knowledge of this maenad creature, although I suspect it's the bullheaded beast that passed through recently. Right Pam?
Pam: That thing owes me a pair of shoes!

Godric: [about his burning] It won't take long. Not at my age.
Sookie: You know it wasn't very smart... the Fellowship of Sun part.
Godric: I know. I thought it would fix everything some how. But I don't think like a vampire anymore... Do you believe in God?
Sookie: Yes.
Godric: If you're right, how will he punish me?
Sookie: God doesn't punish. God forgives.
Godric: I don't deserve it, but I hope for it.
Sookie: We all do.
Godric: You will care for him? Eric.
Sookie: I'm not sure. You know how he is.
Godric: I can take the blame for that too.
Sookie: [smiling softly] Maybe not. Eric's pretty much himself... Are you very afraid?
Godric: [gleeful] No, no. I'm full of joy.
Sookie: But the pain?
Godric: I want to burn.
Sookie: [starts crying] I-I'm afraid for you.
Godric: [blissful] A human with me at the end and human tears. Two-thousand years... and I can still be surprised. In this I see God.
Sookie: [watches as he turns towards the sun and removes his shirt, holding his arms wide] ... Good-bye, Godric.
[watching as he goes up in blue flames]

Sam: Why exactly are you handing me marijuana?
Holly: Black cohosh. Brings down your testosterone levels. For your rage. You obviously have a problem.
Sam: Thanks. You got anything that works for nosiness and bad boundaries?
Holly: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just something I do. I give people remedies. I'm a Wiccan.
Sam: Hey, listen. You're new here, so you wouldn't know this, but I got two rules in my bar: No dancing, no religion.

Bill: We've have had a difficult relationship with law enforcement for many years.

Terry: [searching the woods] Now this is weird.
Sookie: What?
Terry: The tracks stop here. This don't make a lick of sense. Unless he turned himself into a bird and flew away.
Sookie: [looking to the ground] Or a wolf.
Terry: Yeah... a panther or coyote maybe. But I ain't never seen no wolf in these parts.

Maryann: I don't wanna be blacking out.
Tara: I have a little theory about blacking out. Maybe you rose to a higher state of consciousness.
Maryann: We're all bashed up. There's nothing higher about that except for we must have been high. My mama blacked out for months at a time, I'm a blackout expert.
Tara: Are you?
Maryann: Certified.

Tara: [to Sam] So maybe you and I should sleep together.

Godric: [catching her by the throat] Retract... your fangs. Now. I neither know or care who you are. But in this area and certainly in this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand?
Lorena: Yes sheriff.
Godric: [about Sookie] This human has proven to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind. And yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly. Pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us.
Lorena: She provoked me.
Godric: And you have provoked me. You have disrupted the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig and I haven't. Why is that?
Lorena: It's your choice.
Godric: Indeed it is. You're an old vampire. I can tell. You've had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you are still a savage. I fear for us all, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists.

Jason: I'm just sweepin'.
Detective: Where's your broom?
Jason: ...That's a good point.

Sookie: [as Bill is about to bite her] No, not the neck.

Sam: [on the porch steps, after finding Adele] I should never have left you alone. I lost my temper and I shouldn't have.
Sookie: Do you think you could apologize to me some other time?

Sookie: [frantic, to Andy about the body] Check for a pulse.
Detective: Forget it. There ain't no pulse.
Sam: What? Why?
Detective: [lifting the tarp from the body] Because there ain't no heart!

Sophie: You know there's a maenad in Renard parish.
Eric: Yes. That is the reason I came to see you, your majesty.
Sophie: I wouldn't get involved if I were you. Stick to what you're good at. I gave William Compton a few bits of hand-me-down folklore that accumulated over the centuries. But who knows what's gospel or gorilla shit... You know, I think he's monogamous with his human.
Eric: He is in love with her, yes.
Sophie: He is? Well, of course. He would be with her. You probably are too.
Eric: [almost reluctant] I do not love humans.
Sophie: She's not entirely human. Have you tasted her?
Eric: Sadly, no.
Sophie: Don't, ever. One vampire falling in love is bad enough.
Eric: Yes. Bill Compton certainly has a knack for finding trouble.
Sophie: For instance, how does he know I'm having you sell vampire blood?
[when he says nothing]
Sophie: Guards hear everything.
Eric: Your majesty, I'm sorry. There's no way he could...
Sophie: That is really bad.
Eric: He does not know you are supplying it.
Sophie: [jumping him] He better not! I'm holding you responsible.

Tara: [learning about Jessica] So basically you're like a step-mother to a vampire?
Sookie: Okay, you did not just call me that.

Maryann: [after Tara is taken] She'll come back. She'll bring them with her.

Maryann: [after Sookie tries to replicate the power and smacks Maryann] That's hitting me. You're not committing to this at all.
Sookie: I do not have electrical powers. I am a human being!
Maryann: You keep saying that, but if you were human...
[vibrating and stopping]
Maryann: I would've taken you over by now. Come on, it'll be our little secret. What are you?
Sookie: I'm a waitress. What the fuck are you?

Lorena: [to Bill about Sookie] You smell like her. Sweet and... cheap.

Sookie: [after pulling him outside of Merlottes] You know my friend who works here, Dawn? Some one killed her last night.
Bill: How?
Sookie: Say you're sorry.
Bill: Excuse me?
Sookie: You wanna learn to fit in with people, you gotta say you're sorry. You don't even have to mean it. Lord knows they don't most the time.
Bill: [trying] I am sorry.
Sookie: Thank you. Anyway, I'm the one who found her. Strangled. Cops think it was my brother.
Bill: Was it?
Sookie: No, he's not capable of it.
Bill: I've been around long enough to know just about anyone is capable of just about anything.
Sookie: He didn't do it. So I've been listenin' in on peoples' thoughts, hopin' I might hear somethin' to clear him and apparently there's this vampire bar where Maudette and Dawn use to hang out at in Shreeveport. You know it?
Bill: Fangtasia.
Sookie: Fang-tasia?
Bill: You have to remember that most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor.
Sookie: Well I was thinkin' if I went there, I could do some sniffin' around. You think maybe you could take me?
Bill: [smiling slightly] How 'bout tonight?
Sookie: The sooner the better. I just gotta tell Sam I'm leaving and run home and change.
Bill: Meet you there.
Sookie: Thank you. Bill, I'm asking you this as a friend, okay? This is not a date.
Bill: Fine.
Sookie: It's not a date. I'm serious.
Bill: [still smiling] As am I.

Sam: One of the things I set out to do when I opened up here, was to have a place where you could come, get a drink, and nobody would bother you to dance.
Detective: I am with you there. I hate to dance. This one time, I was in a club in Shreveport, and I actually had a woman tell me I looked like an epileptic on meth. Never again, Sam. Never again

Luke: Luke McDonald. No relation to the restaurant
Jason: Any relation to the farm?
Luke: [Confused] What farm?
Jason: Never mind.

Barry: Listen, I don't know what little fried corn-on-the-cob town you're from, or what candy-ass vampires you're with, but this is Dallas, baby.
Sookie: You watch your tone of voice. And don't you call me "baby".

Eric: [as Bill catches his arm] I don't like being touched.
Bill: [disgusted] Oh believe me, I do not like touching you. Your contact with Sookie will cease from this moment on.
Eric: Oh ,that's hardly your decision.
Bill: Callin' my maker 'cause you couldn't win Sookie for yourself is feeble and desperate, even for you.
Eric: [smiling] Are you picking a fight? I'd like to see you try.
Bill: She will never be yours and there's nothing you can do. In this you are powerless. Accept it.

Sam: Here, let me help you.
Arlene: God, you wanna help me? How about doing your job, boss? Right now I'm a hostess, waitress, bartender, busboy, because everybody you hire comes to work whenever they fucking feel like it or ends up dead!

Sookie: [Loading Bill into the van] You got him?
Tara: All the V I got in me is making me strong. Plus, the fucking fanger's lost a lot of weight in blood, so...
Sookie: Is the V making you insensitive as well or is that just you?
Tara: He left me for dead!
Sookie: Well, two wrongs don't make a right!

Tara: [in the woods, walking to Miss Jeanette's] Damn! Get eatin' alive out here!
Lettie: You wanna meet the devil, you wait at the crossroads.
Tara: Yeah, that was a mile back!
Lettie: For Miss Jeanette, you gotta go past where the devil's at.

Lafayette: I ain't gonna be next!

Maxine: Lordy, boy, you are every bit as big a pansy as your daddy.
Hoyt: Daddy was a hero!
Maxine: Daddy... was a secret drinker. You want to know what I really think? A closet homosexual. That man just liked to dance more than a normal man should.

Arlene: [laughing, after her argument with Rene] If all our conversation end with them saying 'fine', why do they bother puttin' up a fight?

Jessica: [to Maxine as she continues to taunt her] Lady, you have no idea how little control I have over my actions! You also do not know I have not eaten in days!

Andy: [to Sam] What's your story, Merlotte? Who's your people?

Eric: If I want Sookie, I can simply take her.

Sookie: I'm sorry!
Bill: Get the hell outta here!
Sookie: Bill?
Bill: [pushing her out the front door] Now, so I can clean up your mess!
Sookie: [about Jessica's parents] Please don't kill them!
Bill: This is all your fault! Now get the hell out of here!

Maryann: Must I do everything myself?

Jerry: [in his thoughts] Stick 'em in already. Get infected you fuckin' vampire asshole. Come on, do it! Let's see how you like hep D. Yeah, fuckers, you won't be able to move for like a year.
Sookie: Stop! He has hep D!

Sookie: I was in that basement for two days. You don't even wanna know what almost happened to me down there. Where were you?
Bill: Sookie, it's...
Sookie: 'It's complicated' is not an answer. Every time I've needed you, you've always come runnin'. Even in broad day light. What kept you?
Bill: [reluctant] ... I was held.
Sookie: Held? Like kidnapped? By who? By Eric?
Eric: [walking up] Hmmm. I heard my name. I hope you are speaking well of me.
Sookie: Why should I? You let me walk into a trap.
Eric: I regret that. If I had known it was a possibility...
Sookie: You did know! But because it was Godric, you'd risk anything.
Eric: The bond between a vampire and his maker is stronger than you can imagine. Perhaps one day you'll find out.

Russell: Tell me what you are.
Sookie: I'm a waitress.
Russell: Yes, and I am Marie of Romania. I'm a very patient man, Miss Stackhouse. One can afford to be when one is immortal. But my patience is not without limits.

Daphne: Dionysus, Satan. It's really just a kind of energy. Wild energy, like... lust, anger, excess, violence. Basically, all the fun stuff. Maryann brings it out in people. She channels it, controls it. She's immortal, Sam. She never wasn't here, so there ain't no point in fightin' her. You see, you'll never win.
Sam: I'm not just gonna let her kill me.
Daphne: Bein' apart of something divine is worth dyin' a thousand time, you'll see.
Sam: If I give myself up, will she go away, leave everyone else alone?
Daphne: I wouldn't bet on that. She's havin' too much fun and this town is full of crazies, ripe for the pickin'. She's like a pyro in a room full of matches.

Eric: I humbly request permission to hunt your territory for the vampire missing from my area.
Russell: I appreciate your courtesy, Eric. It's very old-world.
Talbot: Nobody has manners anymore. It was all so beautiful once.
Russell: Your fugitive, what's his name again?
Russell: Bill Compton. I'm responsible for him, and, uh, I'm ashamed to admit it, but he's wanted for selling vampire blood.
Russell: Oh, no, no. That's heinous. Are you sure?
[Eric nods]
Russell: Let's ask him.
Talbot: [Bill walks in] Voilà. He's not missing, and he's way too square to deal V.

Eric: [to Sookie about the blood after killing the werewolf] I got your rug all wet.

Eric: [watching Ginger clean up what's left of LongShadow] When Ginger is finished, glamour her for me.
Pam: Are you sure? She's been glamoured one too many times already. Who's knows how much of her is left.
Eric: It's either that or turn her. You want her?
Pam: Please! I'm not that desperate. Glamour it is.
Eric: [satisfied] Excellent.

Tommy: Dude, why'd you tell 'em that guy didn't die? You were finally getting some respect.
Sam: Tommy, it's not respect when your employees think you're a psychopath.

Jason: [to the couple just hit by the airport taxi] Hey, what the hell's wrong with you eyes?

Queen: The pigs at the IRS are breathing down my neck and I need money now. Sell the blood at half price if you have to. I don't care what it takes. Just move the product and cover our tracks.
Eric: With all due respect, your highness, I fear you're not considering all the angles.

Melinda: [to Sam] I was sixteen. Your daddy was doin' time in prison.
Joe: For a crime I didn't commit. Your momma didn't even tell me about you 'til she gave you away.
Melinda: [tearing up] I didn't know what else to do.

Jason: I got gout of the dick!

Lafayette: [seeing the half eaten food] These fucker's palettes are as backwoods as they brains.

Sookie: This is my house. I'm staying right here!

Bill: Vampires are always in some kind of trouble. I prefer to be in it with you.

Franklin: Don't, don't. It's an ugly, ugly sound.
Tara: I-I killed you.
Franklin: That's what everyone said. That you did it. I thought why would anyone spread such vicious lies? Why would you kill someone that you loved?
Tara: I do not love you.
Franklin: They said that too. That, I refused to believe. I had to see for myself. You wanna know what hurts the most? That you didn't mourn. If you had a shred of love in your heart for me... you would have mourned me! I love you so much.
Tara: You don't love anything. You can't. Because you are a psychopath. You violated me and terrorized me, because that's what vampires do. And you're calling that love.
Franklin: I'll mourn you, Tara. I'll mourn you to my very marrow. The only pity is that you will never know how much I will grieve.
[Franklin extends his fangs]
Tara: Come on! If you're gonna fucking kill me, kill me! What's taking you so long? You want to hear me beg for my life? Is that it? It's the only thing y'all can feel. The destruction of life, because you ain't got none in you. You sick motherfucker, I won't give you the satisfaction!
Franklin: Why do you want to die so much? Why do you want to make me kill you?
Tara: Because the second I'm gone, I'll be rid of you forever. I'll be free and you'll have nothing!
[He chokes her]
Franklin: Shut up! Shut up! Oh, your heart is beating so fast. I want to feel it stop.
[Jason appears holding his shotgun]
Jason: Take your hands off her.
Franklin: This is a private conversation. It's none of your concern. Run along.
Jason: Move the fuck away.
Franklin: What, you gonna shoot me now? You do realize I'm a vampire. You could empty every round in me and I'll heal.
[Jason fires and hits Franklin in the chest. Franklin explodes into a puddle of blood]
Jason: Not if I got wooden bullets.

Sookie: Your hand is cool.
Bill: Yes. Uh, I'm afraid I'm not as warm as the men that you must be accustomed to.
Sookie: What men?
[blushes]
Sookie: So, what can I get for you tonight?
Bill: What are you?
Sookie: I told you. I'm a waitress.
Bill: No. You're something more than that. You're something more than human.
Sookie: [giggles] I beg your pardon?
Bill: Sookie... that's an unusual name, Sookie. Is it short for something else?
Sookie: Nope. Just... just plain Sookie.

Eric: So, Bill. Are you quite attached to your friend.
Bill: She is mine!
Sookie: Yes. I am his.
Eric: Well, what a pitty... for me.

Jason: [really worried] I think I might'a OD'd.
Tara: Oh, my God. On what?
Jason: V.
Tara: You're doin' V now?
Jason: It was my first time.
Tara: Where on earth did you come across V in this town?
Jason: Lafayette.
Tara: My cousin is dealin' vampire blood now? God damn idiot. Well, at least that explains why I walked in on you dancin' around in that Laura Bush mask yesterday, 'cause I gotta tell you, without a reason, that was some fucked up shit! All right, let me see it.
Jason: Huh?
Tara: How long have you had the erection?
Jason: Well, how do you know?
Tara: Um, I read. You're not the first vain-ass, body-conscious ex-jock to overdo the V and wind up with an acute case of priapism!

Amy: Withholding is tantamount to lying, and I can't have that in our relationship.

Sorority: Hi! Ya'll have Tru Blood? For real?
Frat: You get vamps in here? I didn't even think we had any in Louisana.
Grabbit: [Cajun accent] You didn't know that New Orleans is a mecca for the vampire?
Frat: Seriously? I mean New Orleans? Even after Katrina? Didn't they all drown?
Grabbit: Vampires cannot drown. Because we do not breathe.
Frat: Dude, no harm intended. We're just a little drunk.
Grabbit: Nice. I could use a cocktail.
Grabbit: [he drops his accent and laughs] Score! I totally had you guys.
Sorority: That wasn't funny!
Grabbit: Yeah it was.
Frat: Nah, Kelly that *was* pretty funny.
Good: I didn't think it was funny.
Frat: [Faces Good Old Boy Vampire] Well, we don't care what you think.
Frat: [He turns back to the Clerk] Dude, you know where we could score any V-juice?
Sorority: Gross! Brad no!
Grabbit: How much you need?
Sorority: I knew this girl who knew this girl who did Vamp blood during Greek Week. She like clawed her own face off.
Frat: Seriously, I can pay good money.
Good: Okay, you two need to leave.
Frat: Alright, fuck you Billy Bob!
Good: Fuck me? I'll fuck you boy. I'll fuck ya and then I'll eat ya!
Good: [He extends his fangs. Frat Boy and Sorority Girl run out. Good Old Boy Vampire walks up to the clerk and places money and a case of Tru Blood on the counter] You ever pretend to be one of us again and I'll kill you. Got it?
Grabbit: [nods, terrified] Yeah.
Good: [Pleasantly smiles] Have a nice day now.

Hugo: I thought you were gonna let me do all the talking.
Sookie: When I get nervous, sometimes I talk too much.

Tara: [scared to Talbot] I'm awful sorry.
Franklin: [to Tara] No, you're not!
Talbot: Good girl.
Franklin: Just ignore him. He's just the cleaning lady.

Sookie: How old are you? Am I allowed to ask that?
Bill: I was made vampire in 1865, when I was thirty human years old.
Sookie: Wow, you look older than that.
Bill: Life was harder then.
Sookie: Were you in the Civil War?
Bill: [apprehensive] I was.
Sookie: Would you be willing to come and talk to my grandmother's club? It's mostly a bunch of old people who had family in the war. They call themselves, The Descendants of the Glorious Dead.
Bill: [incensed] The glorious dead? There is nothing glorious about dying in a war. A bunch of starving, freezing boys killing each other so the rich people can stay rich. Madness.
Sookie: I'm sure it was awful.
Bill: Would it make you happy if I did this?
Sookie: Oh, it would make my grandmother ecstatic.
Bill: Would it make you happy?
Sookie: Well... yes.
Bill: I'll do it, then. I look forward to meeting your grandmother. When may I call on you?
Sookie: I'm off work tomorrow.
Bill: Just after dark then.

Eric: Ooh... And what is this?
Talbot: Japanese vampire erotica from the 16th century. Exquisite detail.
Eric: You learn any tricks?
Talbot: Eric, you know as well as I there's nothing new except someone new.

Hoyt: Whatever it was that had control of you made you say a bunch of things you didn't mean.
Maxine: Like what?
Hoyt: Spiteful stuff. About Jessica. About me. And Daddy. Lies, about how he shot himself.
[Looks at her]
Hoyt: That's not true, right? It was a burglar.
Maxine: You're nearly 30. You should know the truth...
Hoyt: [Enraged] I should have known the truth when I was 10! Or, hell, when I was 25. All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, from going to college... from doing anything all because you were scared of some burglar that never existed!
Maxine: I was scared. I'm still scared. You're all I got left. I had to hang on to you!
Hoyt: You lied to me for 18 years just because you didn't want to be alone, instead of letting me be an actual person! You know what I wish? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.

Jason: [bound to the headboard] What's the matter baby? Don't you like me?
Dawn: Oh, sure I like you Jason. I wouldn't tie any old man up to my bed.

Lafayette: [as Jason prepares to dance] You know how much you can make if you had your own website?

Lorena: [to Sookie] Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon.

Sookie: I'm going to find Godric.
Bill: None of this has anything to do with us. Godric is not your concern.
Sookie: If it weren't for him I wouldn't be standing here. He's in pain. He's suffering. I gotta do something.
Bill: Don't you think we've done enough for Dallas?
Sookie: You of all people should understand how he feels. What if it were you, Bill? What if in eighteen hundred years, you were Godric?

Ginger: [to Sookie] That's the thing about being with vamps, ain't it? You always forget to eat. I've lost 37 pounds since I got this job. Way better than fat farm.

Pam: [over the phone] We're being raided.
Eric: So? Call the American Vampire League. They'll get their lawyers on it. I'm busy.
Pam: [in Swedish] It's not the police. It's the Magister.
Eric: I'm coming there now.
Pam: Don't be stupid. Leave while you still can. They're looking for the V, Eric. The Queen set you up.

Terry: Hey, 'cuz... I know what you're going through. That first kill is gotta a way of making you feel that's all you are. But you've got to know that you are a man this is still capable of goodness and of heartbreaking generosity of spirit. And if you cling to that with every thing you've got, you gonna be alright. I promise.
Detective: [thinks for a minute and relaxes] Thank you for that.

Pam: I thought prostitutes were good at keeping secrets.
Lafayette: Oh, don't get it twisted honeycone. I'm a survivor first, capitalist second and a whole bunch of shit after that. But a hooker dead last! So if I've got even a Jew at an Al Qaida pep rally's shot at getting my black ass up out of this motherfucker I'm taking it!

Sookie: [about Bill] He didn't show up tonight, he's not coming back.

Jason: [in his thoughts] I'm too damn pretty to go to prison.

Arlene: [to Sookie about her date] Vamp club not all it was made out to be, huh?

Sookie: Bill's been kidnapped.
Jessica: What? I thought y'all were just going to dinner.
Sookie: We were. But than he proposed and than...
Jessica: Oh my god. Wait, Sookie...
Sookie: I-I didn't say yes.
Jessica: You rejected him?
Sookie: It's not like that. It's just... if he does come home, for what ever reason, call me and let me know even if he commands you not to.

Sookie: [to Uncle Bartlett, seething] You haven't been part of this family in a long time.

Eggs: [going after her] I just carried away, that's all.
Tara: Yeah. You and every body else out there. Is this what MaryAnn's about? Are you in the 'lifestyle'?
Eggs: Lifestyle? Tara, that's just a buncha drunk-ass people, trying to let loose and have a good time. That's got nothing to do with us.
Tara: I don't give a crap what people do with their own body parts, but there's not 'us' not if this is your scene.

Bill: Sookie has nothing to do with this. She's innocent.
Russell: We know that you love her, that you've killed for her. And from the look in your eye, I can see you'd do it again if you thought that would save her.
Russell: So romantic.
Lorena: [Enters] It's not romantic, it's delusional.
Russell: Lorena.
Lorena: Oh, goodie. I'm just in time for dessert.

Lorena: [to Tara about Bill] You know him?
Tara: I thought I did.
Bill: [to Russell] Why is she here?
Russell: [to Franklin] Why is she here?
Franklin: She wants to be with me.
Talbot: Hence the restraints.
Franklin: She's mine!
Lorena: Relax. Nobody wants her.

Terry: Morning, Sook. You okay?
Sookie: Did you just see someone here?
Terry: No. Usually when I see things other people don't it's because I ain't taking my medication.

Melinda: You warm now, son?
Tommy: Little better, yeah.
Sam: Well, now you give a shit. I thought Tara had a shitty mother but you take the cake!
Joe: Don't talk to your mother that way.
Sam: Don't you fucking talk to me that way! Like making people scared? Think you're good at it? I can't understand the power you got over them, because I see you for what you are. You're just a scared man in saggy underpants with no discernable life skills whatsoever.

Franklin: Why you wicked little strumpet

Amy: [outside the bar] Hey you. Listen, you alright?
Sookie: Sometimes I wish I smoked, you know, so you could sneak outside without anybody knowing something's wrong with you.
Amy: [understanding] Okay. I'm really sorry about your cat.
Sookie: Maybe I shouldn't have come in today.
Amy: Yeah, I was gonna say why did you?
Sookie: I don't know. Maybe 'cause lately it seems like if I called in sick everytime somebody I loved got mudered, I'd never make it in for a single day of work.
Amy: Well, don't you think Sam would understand?
Sookie: I guess. But if I went home, what would you do?
Amy: Me? What's it got to do with me?
Sookie: Well, with Arlene doing nothin but showin' off her ring to anybody who will look at it, you'd be the only one waiting tables.
Amy: Yeah, she's gonna be a handful, that one.
Sookie: Can you imagine what she was like the first time she got married? What about you? You ever been married?
Amy: Is this the part where the sister asks what the girl's intentions are with her brother?
Sookie: Hm-mm. 'Cause right now I am all about protecting Jason.
Amy: He misses you, Sookie.
Sookie: Right.
Amy: No, he does. I mean, between your grandma passing and then what happened afterwords with you.
Sookie: He told you about that?
Amy: He couldn't not. I mean, he's a mess about it.
Sookie: Well you wouldn't know it.
Amy: Look, I know what you must think of him, and I get why you're mad at him, I do. But he loves you. You still got people around you who love you. And all I can hope is that maybe one day I can be counted in among those people.
Sookie: [pauses] You are way too good for him. You know that, right?
Amy: [almost laughing] Of course, I know that. I'm not stupid.

Jason: [seeing the vampire blood] When'd you start dealin' V?
Lafayette: When I realized there was a market for it.

Bill: [flashback] Is there anyone inside? I require help. I'm a soldier of the 28th Louisiana infrantry. I require food and water. Is there anyone who can help me?
[cuts the door open and enters]
Lorena: [holding a gun to his head] Do not move. I will shoot you!
[scene flash forwards to a warm dinning area]
Lorena: I wasn't even aware we surrendered.
Bill: Word came two weeks ago. We disbanded immediately. Most of the men marched back to Monroe. But I chose to take a short cut home by-by way of these trails. I over estimated my knowledge of the land.
Lorena: You're not far off. The lake is 10 miles southwest of here and Bon Temps is 10 miles south of that. My husband was in the 13th infantry, under Colonel Gibbson. He fought at Shiloh. He used to write to me every few weeks. But I haven't heard from him in nearly seven months.
Bill: Many of the postal routes have been disrupted. I'm sure your letter simply got lost.
Lorena: That's kind of you. But I've considered myself a widow for sometime now. You still have quite a lot of blood on you. You're a lucky man, Lieutenant. I doubt you would've survived another day without food.
Bill: I'm in debt to you for taking pity on me.
Lorena: I think, for your sake, you best spend the night here, with me.
[tries to kiss him]
Bill: [rising suddenly] I'm sorry. I apologize if I misled you. But I have a wife and two small children waitin' for me. And if Bon Temps is as close as you say it is, then I'll see them soon and I do not wish to sully our reunion.
Lorena: You are an honorable man. The others have not always been so.
Bill: [surprised] There's been others?
Lorena: From time to time. Deserters mostly. I offered them a crust of bread and a place to rest, and they would help appease my loneliness. It may not be moral, Lieutenant. But these are times of war.
Bill: I do not judge you. Your choices are your own, as are mine. I wish to continue on my way home. You have my gratitude for your hospitality. I will not soon forget it.
[he turns to leave as she appears at the door, biting him]

Kitch: Come end of season, they'll be shouting my name, and they'll forget you ever existed.
Jason: But 10 years from now, there's gonna be a version of you, 10 years younger, doing the same thing to you. And then who you gonna be?
Kitch: [Lost] What?

Maryann: Horse nettle. Also known as bull nettle, the Devil's tomato, and my personal favorite, the apple of Sodom. It's quite poisonous. But in the tiniest of doses, a savory addition to any wine-based sauce. Gives it a pungent hint of madness. A little touch of total abandon.

Eric: [after Bill tells him what attacked Sookie] The head of a bull?
Bill: That's what she said. It was dark. It all happened in seconds.
Eric: You didn't see this... bull-man?
Bill: No.
Eric: And you gave her your blood?
Bill: I didn't work.
Eric: [thinking] Hmmm.
Bill: You ever heard of anything like this?
Eric: Surprisingly, no.

Sookie: [entering his room] Eric?
Eric: [bereaved tone] Godric is gone.
Sookie: I know. I'm so sorry.

Eddie: [to Lafeyette as he's draining his blood] I always look forward to Monday nights. First 'Heroes', then you.

Hoyt: [pulling her back] You lost your mind?
Jessica: Did you hear all those things she said about you and me?
Hoyt: She's my momma. She gets to! 'The hell are you from?
Jessica: [crying] I'm sorry.

Sookie: [to Bill Compton] I almost died last night... again!

Bill: [after Malcolm and his gang have left] I'm sorry you had to witness that. Your visit was unexpected.
Sookie: What's hep D?
Bill: Hepatitis D is the only blood born pathogen to which we are subseptible. Malcolm must be furious.
Sookie: Hepatitis?
Bill: A mutation. Relatively harmless to humans, oddly enough.
Sookie: I've never even heard of it?
Bill: That's because we've kept it out of the media.
Sookie: And it makes you sick for a year?
Bill: No. Just makes us weak for about a month or so. The biggest danger to us from hep D is being captured and staked during that time.
Sookie: Yeah. You don't want your weaknesses to be public knowledge.
Bill: Precisely.
Sookie: And what the hell did you mean, "Sookie is mine"?
Bill: I was communicating to the others that you were my human and therefore I was the only one who can feed on you.
Sookie: [furious] You most certainly can not feed on me!
Bill: Well of course I can't, Sookie. But had they known that, they'd have considered you fair game. And I wouldn't have been able to stop them from attacking you. It would be three against one. And Malcolm is much older than I am and quite strong.
Sookie: And... you and Diane dated?
Bill: We had sex once, just after she was made vampire back in the late 1930's.
Sookie: [sickened] What? Gross. Bill, she so- Th-they're all so mean, so...
Bill: Evil. Yes, they are. They share a nest and when vampires live in nests, they become more cruel, more vicious. They become laws unto themselves. Whereas vampires such as I, who live alone are much more likely to hang on to some semblance of our former humanity.

Diane: [opening the door] Well, hey there, little human chick.
Sookie: Hi. I'm-I'm here to drop off some information about an electrician for Bill Compton. Is he here?
Diane: Maybe.
Malcolm: [inhaling] She smells fresh.

Bill: [to Sookie] Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

Maryann: Think back. Wasn't there a time when you felt someone or something watching over you?
Sookie: Yes. God.
Maryann: [snickering] Well, you can call it that. But it's not the same one the blind billions worship and in your heart of hearts, you know it.
Sookie: Fine then. What am I?
Maryann: You're definitely beyond human. I live off human energy and your I can't channel. That's very rare, though surprisingly not unique in this town.
Sookie: [trying to understand] Sam. You're marrying Sam?
Maryann: Please. My husband is a god. Sam is-is just the ideal wedding gift... oh, it's been such a long wait.
[tearing up]
Maryann: I'm sorry. I'm getting a little over excited. I'll smear everything.
Sookie: How do you know he's coming tonight?
Maryann: Oh, no time has ever been more perfect. I'm know my special sacrifice is on his way.
[Sam]
Sookie: He's done nothing to you!
Maryann: He is the vessel. He appeared to me naked. A virgin drawn to the very statue that represents the birth of my god. 'Should have sacrificed him than and there. But I foolishly let him get away.
Sookie: By sacrifice, does that involve cutting out his heart?
Maryann: It's the food of the gods. My husband will love it. It's the very thing that gives him life.

Rosie: [Over the radio] Detective Bellefleur, we've got a 586 in progress in Hotshot.
Detective: Uh, Rosie, you realize a 586 means illegal parking? Over.
Rosie: Oooh. I could have sworn that's what Kenya said. Anyway, they're busting a meth lab, whatever the code is for that.

Sookie: Life is just getting too weird too fast.

Sookie: The more open my mind gets, the more evil I see.

Jessica: I am a freak of fucking nature!

Sookie: [in the trees, looking at her home] My gran lived and died in that house and now it's like people who were the exact opposite of everything she was... are defiling her... I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse.
Lafayette: Don't take it personal, Sook. They ain't themselves and they're not doin' it on purpose.
Sookie: First time I met Maryann I knew there was somethin' seriously off about her. She was thinkin' creepy foreign stuff and I could tell it wasn't good.
Lafayette: You couldn't have stopped this.
Sookie: How come there's so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?
Lafayette: 'Cause they're weak.
Sookie: Well I am not weak and I am not afraid! I am gonna kick that evil bitch's ass outta my gran's house.

Sookie: Who wants pizza?
Lisa: Me!
Coby: Me!
Sookie: Well, that's good, 'cuz that's what we're having!
Rene: [to Bill] You can eat pizza?
Bill: Unfortunately, no. But I understand it's delicious.

Hoyt: I'm trying to help you, but look, the website says you have to pass the written exam.
Jason: You think Andy Bellefleur knows half of this sh1t? There's gotta be an easier way. Look, I'm ready now. You know? I know between good and evil. I'm like a ninja-level marksman. I got all the training I need.
[Gets up to leave]
Hoyt: You wanna know what that blood-alcohol limit is?
Jason: I don't need to know it. If it's on the sample test, it's not on the real thing. Everybody knows that.

Eric: [running a finger down her arm, waking her as she turns to him] Finish your sentence.
Sookie: What was I saying?
Eric: You were telling me why'd you be a terrible vampire and I was disagreeing.
Sookie: Well I don't feel right without a tan.
[as he laughs]
Sookie: It's true and I'd rather be alive than undead. Than ya'll are always killin'.
Eric: [knowingly] You've killed a man.
Sookie: That was for self defense, not for lunch.
Eric: Shhh. Oh, you'd adapt. Like we all do. Trade the sun for the moon and stars.
Sookie: Uh huh. Not me. I want 'em all.
Eric: [smiling] Ooh, greedy.
Sookie: Yeah, I am.
Eric: I love it.
[kisses her]
Eric: You have the temperament for a vampire.
Sookie: What? I'm high maintenance, blood thirsty, and old as dirt?
Eric: Ahh, blood thirsty, Yeah.
Sookie: I am not.
Eric: Everyone thinks you're a darling, don't they.
Sookie: I 'am' a darling.
Eric: You're ruthless because of the people you love. You'll do anything for them.
[kissing her]
Eric: Your brother, your friends... me.
Lorena: [in the shadows] Bill.
Sookie: [pulling away a bit] Bill? Where's Bill?
Lorena: What do you care? You've already abandoned him.
Sookie: I have not. I love Bill.

Talbot: You never said she was going to live with us.
Russell: She's my wife, Talbot. We just acquired the state of Louisiana. I thought you would've been excited.
Talbot: *Excited*? Franklin's brains won't wash off the guest linens. I had to bury werewolves under the gazebo. And that Sookie bitch staked Lorena. I've had enough excitement, thank you.

Sophie: Have you eaten?
Bill: Not tonight, but...
Sophie: I have several new members of court. A Latvian boy. Has to be tasted to be believed. Not polluted like most humans. Tastes exactly the way they used to taste just after I was turned. Before the Industrial Revolution f****d everything to hell. Should I summon him?
Bill: No, thank you.

Sookie: [coming from the bathroom] I could kick myself. I'm so stupid! I wasn't thinkin'.
Bill: [about Eric] He did take bullets for you. At least we both came out alive.
Sookie: I know better than to believe one word outta that man's mouth. I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?
Bill: Eric has had a thousand years pratice at deceit... He lied to prove his power to me. He counted on your goodness. There's no shame in that.
Sookie: But his blood, Bill. I tried to spit it all out. But some of it musta gone down.
Bill: It only takes a drop or two.
Sookie: He'll always know where I am and how I feel. Always. That's worst of all.
Bill: No, not the worst.
Sookie: What do you mean?
Bill: Don't be surprised if you... feel some... attraction to him. Sexual.
Sookie: [detest] To Eric? That's impossible. I-I can't stand him.
Bill: It is possible. Another consequence of the blood. Woulda happened sooner or later. He was determined to form this bond with you.
Sookie: I could kill him.
Bill: I concur.

Lafayette: [to Sam] Well, I'm goin' to head on over to the bar. Make sure Terry's not PTSD'ing all over my clam chowder.

Eric: [to Sookie] Trust me.

Sookie: Wish people would stop dying around here.

Lorena: [after biting Sookie] No wonder Bill's drawn to you. You're delicious.
Sookie: Fuck you!
Lorena: I've never tasted anything like you. What are you?
Sookie: I'm the bitch that's gonna kill you.

Bill: Jessica, stop!
Jessica: No!
Bill: Stop!
[pulls her down on a rock]
Jessica: Why?
Bill: Because we need to talk.
Jessica: [without caring for what Bill's saying] Why?
Bill: Because there are things you must learn.
Jessica: Why?
Bill: Because you are no longer human.
Jessica: Why?
Bill: Because, as I've been trying to explain to you at length, you have been made vampire!
Jessica: [suddenly scared] Why?
Bill: Because you were unlucky. Because life and death are unfair. Because of me.

Talbot: I just redecorated the guest room. Wait till you see the bed, Bill. It's marvellous. It once belonged to Countess Elizabeth Bathory, Hungary's legendary serial killer. Rumour has it that she loved to torture virgins and bathe in their blood.

Arlene: Where's Lafayette?
Jessica: He and that Jesus guy left. Said to tell you to lock up before you leave.
Arlene: [Nervous] Okay. But just so you know, this necklace is pure silver, and I take garlic supplements too.
Jessica: Arlene, just because my fangs popped out, doesn't mean I'm gonna use 'em... on you.

Sam: [tp Mary Ann] I don't know what you're doing here. But these are people I care about and I will not stand by and watch you hurt any of them.

Tara: The one time in my entire life I thought I was happy, I was a fucking zombie What the hell is wrong with me, Lafayette?
Lafayette: Life ain't not having problems, Tara! It's about being able to deal with the ones you got.
Tara: Well, obviously I can't.
Lafayette: You can and you will, if I gotta drag your narrow ass through this world kicking and screaming. Buddha wasn't lying when he said life is suffering. It don't mean you get to check out early and leave me here.

Eric: If you have any silver on you now would be the time to reveal it.
Lafayette: Now way! I ain't that stupid!
Eric: Yes, you are.
[swiping his mouth, looking at his hand]
Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: What?
Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette: I... I don't know. I can't see in this light.
Eric: [goes over quickly] How about now?
Lafayette: [shaking] Y... yeah t... there's a little bit of blood in there, yeah.
Eric: This is bad. Pam is going to kill me.
Lafayette: Who the fuck is Pam?
Eric: Do you want to meet her?
Lafayette: No. No, I'm good.
Eric: We'll you're going to.
[takes the chain from the collar]
Lafayette: Where you taking me?
Eric: To find out what you know. I wouldn't try anything rash if I were you. I'm still hungry.

Bill: [in her dream] Sookie, don't ever sneak up on a vampire. What are you doing here?
Sookie: All right, here's the deal. And this is a little embarrassin'. I've never been with a man intimately, for all the reasons I told you about. But, I feel things when I'm with you that make me think and I know this could be a huge mistake, one I will regret forever, but it feels like you're the one that I'm supposed to, you know, do it with. And I'm really nervous about that. And frankly I'm scared to death of you. So can we just get it out of the way already so I can relax and get a good night's sleep?
[he draws close to kiss her]
Sookie: J-just don't bite me, Okay?

Sookie: Gran's gone. She's really gone.
Tara: Yeah, she is.
Sookie: I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Can't even think straight.

Jason: [as she lays in a coma] Sook, don't do this to me. I meant what I said. You're all I got.

Eddie: Comes a point in life when you realize everything you know about yourself, it's all just conditioning. It's the rare man who truly knows who he is.

Sheriff: Andy, over here.
Detective: [walking] Body's in full rigor mortis, Bud. Which is consistent with the victim being killed else where and brought here to the scene sometime in the past four hours.

Sam: Listen, y'all have to trust me. This is bigger and crazier than you can even imagine.
Deputy: I'll say... This is the second time in 2 weeks a woman's been found in your bar with her heart missing.
Sheriff: And the third time a waitresses of yours has ended up dead.
Sam: Oh Come on! That was Rene Lenier! You can't use that against me!

Franklin: [glamoring her] Tell me everything you know about Bill and Sookie.
Tara: [tranced] She says it was love at first sight.
Franklin: You don't believe that?
Tara: True love? Hell no. People just get what they want and leave.
Franklin: And what does Sookie want?
Tara: Quiet. Being a telepath gets real noisy. She can't hear Bill.
Franklin: Her brother, is he a telepath too?
Tara: Jason barely knows what he's thinkin', let alone anyone else.

Sookie: Take another step and I will shoot.
Debbie: Why don't you just pull the trigger now? What do you care?
Sookie: There's people that still love you for reasons I ain't even gonna try to make sense of.

Sookie: [to Maryann] I don't know how you did what you've done to them, but I will not let this happen!

Sookie: I don't know how you did things in the 1800's, but keeping a file on the woman you love, it's... creepy.
Bill: I have to know what you are, or else I can't protect you.
Sookie: But you have to trust *me*. And stop to thinking of me as a thing to be protected. I took care of Debbie by myself. I'm not afraid to spill a little blood anymore. Much as you want to be human, I think I'm meeting you halfway to vampire.

Andy: I've been noticin' some strange things about you lately.
Lafayette: Like?
Andy: Like the fact you just up and vanished for over two weeks. Like the fact now that you are back, you seemed to have lost some of your pizazz.
Lafayette: [almost laughing] My pizazz?
Andy: Right. In case you didn't hear, Lafayette. A woman's dead!

Daphne: [to Sam, after the collie runs off] Were you just talking to that dog?
Sam: [in the water] Daphne? What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
Daphne: Same as you, I guess. Just tryin' to cool off and I can't sleep. I have this hardass boss. He really laid into me this week.
Sam: He sounds like a jerk.
Daphne: He's not all bad. He can be real nice, to dogs.
Sam: Listen, I'm real sorry. I've had a lot on my mind.

Maryann: [to the fooled townsfolk] You fucking morons!

Tara: [to Sam, about Daphne] You can't expect her to learn if you don't give her any positive reinforcement.

Sam: [in earnest] You love Bill?
Sookie: I think I do. But where is he? If vampire politics are more important to him than me... I don't know... I'm so mad at him, I could spit.

Bunki: [seeing Sookie's arm] Those vampire bites?
Sam: With all do respect, sir, that's none of your business.

Sookie: [to Bill] I always thought as different as we are, some how we could still be together. And now I don't know.

Eddie: I bought this specially for you. I remember you said you 'go for merlot.'
Lafayette: I said I worked at Merlotte's. But whatever...

Hoyt: Why do you have so much hate in you?
Maxine: [Defensive] I don't.
Hoyt: That's a flat lie.
Maxine: Who do you think you're talking to?
Hoyt: My mama. Who hates Methodists.
Maxine: I got my reasons.
Hoyt: And Catholics.
Maxine: Just priests... and nuns.
Hoyt: African-Americans.
Maxine: [Quiet] . Hush, that's a secret
Hoyt: People who don't tale care of their gardens. People who park their trucks up on their lawn. And ladies who wear red shoes.
Maxine: It looks cheap.
Hoyt: Families with lots of kids. And checkered curtains and cats and dogs, and bait, every girl that I ever liked. And the more that I like them, the more that you hate them.

Bill: Why this allegiance to Godric?
Eric: He is much beloved by his subjects.
Bill: Only kings and queens have subjects Eric. Not Sheriffs.
Eric: Godric could have been king of Texas had he wanted. He could have been king of any vampire territory anywhere. He is twice as old as I am and very powerful. There are none above him in the new world.
Bill: Well if he's so powerful, how could they abduct him?
Eric: Now that is what worries me. If one such as he can ben taken by humans, then none of us are safe.

Sheriff: [during the body examination] We are looking at a human animal collaboration.
Kenya: That doesn't make any sense.
Sheriff: I was making what people with actual senses of humor refer to as a joke.
Kenya: Oh I'm sorry. A black woman is butchered in the town where I live. I didn't realize that was funny.

Terry: [about the werewolf] Won't he come lookin' for his clothes?
Sookie: I'll be he'll come lookin' for more than that.
Terry: I'd feel a lot better if you'd let me call Andy.
Sookie: I've already got somebody on it. He's a sheriff and a vampire. Listen, Terry. You can't tell anyone about this. This guy is my one shot to finding Bill.
Terry: I'm not so good with secrets.
Sookie: I think you're a lot better at things than you give yourself credit for.

Lafayette: If ever there was a time to listen to a white man, Tara, this would be it.

Sookie: [worried] So, you're not in any trouble?
Bill: A simple slap on the wrist. That's all.
Sookie: You swear? Because Pam made it sound...
Bill: Pam was turned almost a hundred years ago, and yet somehow still behaves as though every day were Halloween. She's all drama and theatrics. I assure you, everything's going to be fine.

Tara: [after his guest leaves] What the hell was that?
Lafayette: That was a state senator.
Tara: You're a prostitute now?
Lafayette: I'm an entrepreneur.

Bill: [to Sookie] I love nothing more than to see you happy. It's really quite selfish.

Detective: When I was growing up I had a nanny. Her name was Annie. Annie the nanny. She used to say to me that... in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man was king. I think she told me that because she thought I was... one of the blind. But you... you got the burden of being the one-eyed man. I envy that.
Sam: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Detective: ...I don't either.

Eric: Russell will come for her.
Bill: Well, you should know, since you're now his butt boy.
Eric: No longer. I killed Talbot.
Bill: So that's why he went medieval on TV. Well, thanks, Eric. You just put our cause back a thousand years.

Pam: [to Jessica] Let's go to the ladies room and stare at ourselves in the mirrors.

Adele: [about prostitutes who sleep with vampires] Wonder how much one would charge for something like that?
Jason: A thousand bucks.
Sookie: [in disgust] See, now that just makes me sick.
Adele: I know. What kind of cheap woman could ever do something like that?
Sookie: No, it makes me sick that they're getting a thousand bucks to lay there and do nothing while I bust my ass for ten bucks an hour plus tips!
Jason: Oh, I don't think they just lay there. I think they're expected to, you know, participate.
Sookie: Ew.

Maryann: [to Merlotte's customers] The god who comes demands his sacrifice! Where is Sam Merlotte?
Arlene: [tranced] He ain't been here all day.
Maryann: Well, find him and bring him to me!

Eric: [to Bill] If you're their poster boy, the mainstreaming movement is in very deep trouble.

Sam: Sookie, you have no future with a vampire!
Sookie: They don't die. I've got nothing but a future with one.

Jessica: [whining to Bill] You won't let me do anything and I'm so hungry! You are the worst maker ever!

Randi: [on the phone with Jason] I may not know much, but I do know better than to associate myself with people of low moral character!

Bank: Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Thornton, but it is against bank policy to extend a loan for an exorcism.

Godric: A human with me at the end. With human tears. Two thousand years and I can still be surprised.

Orry: [to Jason in jail] Officially the church can't condone what you did. You took the lives of four women. Women who had tainted themselves and their race. But still human women. Hey.
[motions for him to come closer]
Orry: But we do recognize that even though your methods may have been flawed, your intentions were pure.
Jason: [utterly confused] I got no idea what you're talking about.
Orry: That's smart. Don't admit to anything.

Jessica: Pam, when you're feeding on someone, how do you not kill them?
Pam: Bill didn't teach you that?
Jessica: Bill doesn't want me to feed on people and now he's gone. And...
Pam: [applying lipgloss] It's in the heart beat. You feel it in the blood.
Jessica: Yeah?
Pam: And when it slows, you stop.
Jessica: Yeah, but how do you stop?
Pam: I think about crying children with soggy diapers. Also maggots.
Jessica: Well... let's say you did kill someone by accident. What would you do with the body?

Russell: What exactly is your Relationship with Miss Stackhouse?
Eric: Well, her lover, Bill Compton, is, um... Was a constituent of mine. I'd keep an eye on that because I knew she was of interest to my queen.
Russell: So no personal attachments?
Eric: I do not get attached to humans.

[Jason has just awkwardly hugged Bill]
Jason: Was that all right for you?
Bill: [He is noticeably uncomfortable but still tries to be polite] It was fine.

Jessica: So, who's good to eat around here?

Bill: [pulling her close] You think about whatever you think about. It's okay. You're safe with me.

Tara: So, why'd ya all pick Dallas for your trip?
Sookie: Bill has some business there.
Tara: Oh, hell. Do those vampires wanna use your mind readin' again?
Sookie: I'll have Bill there to protect me.
Tara: Sook, why are you even with this guy if he makes you do these things? The sex can't be that good?
Sookie: Oh, it's pretty good and I love him.
Tara: What? Yeah...
Sookie: You can't just sit around, savin' your heart for some perfect idea of a man who is never gonna come along. Life is too damn short. Besides Bill's not 'making' me do anything... I agreed to this to save your fool cousin. Thank you very much.
Tara: Lafayette?
Sookie: He didn't tell you?
Tara: Tell me what? I didn't even know he was back. Is he okay?

Olivia: [very dazed as she wakes up] Who are you?
Bill: That doesn't matter... what's your name?
Olivia: Olivia.
Bill: That's a lovely name. Now listen, Olivia. I was never here tonight. You will not remember what I've done to you.
Olivia: What did you do to me?
Bill: [smiling] Good girl. Now before I go, can you tell me where I am?
Olivia: In my house.
Bill: And what parish do you live in?
Olivia: I live in Copiah county.
Bill: [alarmed] Mississippi?
Olivia: Yes.
Bill: [handing her money] I want you to have this. It's from Stanley. He came to see you.
Olivia: He did?
Bill: He wanted you to have it to show you he appreciates everything you have ever done for him.
Olivia: He's such a good boy, my Stanley.
Bill: I have to go now. Good bye, Olivia.
[leaves quickly]

Jason: We gotta fix things, Andy. I ain't lettin' weird shit take over my town!

Sarah: You're worse than Judas!
Jason: Why? What'd he do to you?
Sarah: [She rolls her eyes] Fuck you!
[She shoots him in the crotch with a paintball gun]

Rene: [talking to Jason in jail] Ain't like you went and killed a bunch of *innocent* women.
Jason: What?
Rene: They were fangbangers! If you hadn't done it, just a matter of time...

Tara: [to Jason] Oh my God. You are a gigantic parody of yourself and you don't even know it.

Debbie: They killed my Cooter!
Russell: Oh, he died a hero.
Debbie: He weren't no hero. He just wanted to do some V and have a little fun.

Detective: [after the press conference] Hey, what are you doing here, Stackhouse?
Jason: Wow. All these reporters... they here for you?
Detective: [sarcastically beat] No. It's 'cause of me winnin' the Miss America pageant. Thought I told you to lay low.
Jason: I need your help with something.
Detective: Ain't I done enough for you already?
Jason: Hey! I was trying to save your life!
Detective: [hustling him away from the station] Now I'm tryin' to save yours.

Sookie: [to Bill about Jessica] You killed her?
Bill: Not entirely. No.
Sookie: Well you obviously did something to this... this...
[to Jessica]
Sookie: How old are you?
Jessica: Seventeen.
Sookie: Oh my god. Where your parents?
Jessica: [to Bill] Is she always like this?
Sookie: [to Bill] So what then? You bit her?
Bill: Yes.
Sookie: You drained her?
Bill: Yes.
Sookie: Did you have sex with her?
Bill: No!
Jessica: Eww! Gross!
Bill: Jessica was brought to me as a condition of my punishment. I had to create a vampire as reparation for the one I destroyed to save you.
Jessica: [to Sookie] So this is all your fault?

Sookie: I was diagnosed with ADD. They tried to put me on drugs, but my momma wouldn't let them. She knew that wasn't it. She tried to protect me even though I scared her.
Bill: [knowingly] When did you lose her?
Sookie: Just before I turned eight. Both my parents, flash flood.
Bill: I lost my wife and my children. Everyone I knew from my human life. Most of them are buried here in this cemetery.
Sookie: You really don't consider yourself human at all?
Bill: I'm not human.

Franklin: [to Tara] Busy night?... You the only waitress?
Tara: Actually I'm a bartender and I ain't workin' tonight.
Franklin: Then what are you doing here?
Tara: [almost in tears] Honestly, trying not to kill myself.
Franklin: And how's that going for you?
Tara: Well I'm still alive.
Franklin: Makes one of us. You have any of those True Bloods?
Tara: [going to the fridge] We only got B-positive and the microwave's busted.

Tara: You know how many people are having sex with vampires these days? Sometimes those people... disappear.

Detective: [sort of drunk, to Bud] I'm a good cop. I can close a case.

Russell: [to Cooter about Bill] I said escort him. Not hunt him like an animal.
Cooter: [transforming] He is a god-damned animal! He killed three of us. Ripped off Louie's ear.
[to Bill]
Cooter: You're about to get deader, dead-ass motherfucker!
Russell: Cooter. Back off.
Bill: Cooter? Seriously?
[laughs]
Cooter: Call me that again. I fucking dare you!
Russell: Coot can be a little sensitive about his name... and the evisceration of his friends.

Sookie: [asnwering the phone] Hello?... Hello?... Bill?
Bill: ...Yes.
Sookie: Are you hurt? I know the werewolves have you.
Bill: Nobody has me. I have left my life in Bon Temps and I am leaving you.

[Sookie grabs the shotgun by the fireplace. She turns and points it at Rene]
Rene: [Without his accent] What do you think you're doing?
[She cocks the shotgun]
Rene: You're not gonna shoot me.
[She pulls the trigger. The gun clicks. Rene holds up the two shells]
Rene: Whoops. Told ya.

Sookie: [after he breaks down the door] Bill!
Bill: Jessica let him go!
Jessica: But?
Bill: As your maker I command you!
Sookie: Thank god you're here.
Bill: Shut up!

Jason: I don't know who Lazarus was, but he sure as hell was not the first vampire. Everybody knows it was Dracula.
Luke: It's in the Bible, moron. Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead.
Jason: So Jesus made the first vampire? Maybe Jesus *was* the first vampire. I mean, he rose from the dead too. And he told people, "Hey, y'all, drink my blood. It'll give you special powers".
Luke: Jesus never said that.
Dirk: No, the first vampire was Cain. Being a vampire is the mark of Cain. It's God's punishment for bringing the first evil into the world by killing his brother.
Luke: The first evil was Eve eating the apple. That's why they call it "Eve-il".

Russell: If all the supernatural's would stop squabbling among themselves and unite, we could conquer humans in a matter of days.
Eric: This is your plan?
Russell: I prefer to call it my dream.
Eric: Well, I like this dream.
Russell: Throughout history, I have aligned myself with or destroyed those humans in power, hoping to make a dent in mankind's race to oblivion. What other creature actively destroys its own habitat?
Eric: Hey, you're preaching to the choir.
Russell: I mean, do you remember how the air used to smell? How humans used to smell? How they used to taste?
Eric: I remember everything.
Russell: Preening little fool that he was, Adolf was right about one thing. There is a master race. It's just not the human race.

Sookie: So all that stuff about caring about me, that was just crap?
Eric: I never said I cared about you. Maybe you dreamt it.
Sookie: You big phony. Big hat, no cattle.
Eric: Do you mind? I'm trying to think here.
Sookie: I thought you said my life was too valuable to throw away.
Eric: You *are* valuable, that's very clear. I'm just not sure why.
Sookie: [Attempts mimicking his voice] "Sookie, I'm risking everything to tell you this, because you mean so much to me. You make me feel almost human."
Eric: [Confronts her, fangs out] You mean *nothing* to me, understand? Nothing. I'm close to getting something I've wanted since I was still human. Do not get in my way.

Eric: I will take care of Bill Compton.

Jason: Hey, how come you didn't tell me you beat up the Rattrays last night?
Sookie: I haven't even seen you since then!

Eggs: Hey, what were cryin' about?
Tara: [wiping tears away] I always cry on my birthday. It's always the worst day. No matter what I do, I end up cryin'. 'Cause my birthday always sucks.
Eggs: Well, this is the year that changes. I promise you that.

Maryann: I have other people bringing us something living to sacrafice.

Maryann: [seeing Tara & Eggs all bruised] How much did you drink this time?
Tara: Nothin', far as I recall.
Eggs: Same for me.
[rubbing his jaw]

Godric: [on the roof with Eric] Two thousand years is enough.
Eric: [unbelieving] I can't accept this. It's insanity!
Godric: 'Our' existance is insanity... we don't belong here.
Eric: But we 'are' here!
Godric: It's not right. We're not right.
Eric: [stepping forward] You taught me there was no right or wrong. Only survival or death.
Godric: I told a lie, as it turns out.
Eric: I will keep you alive by force!
Godric: Even if you could, why would you be so cruel?
Eric: [begins crying blood, in Swedish] Godric, don't do it.
Godric: [in Swedish] There are centuries of faith and love between us.
Eric: [crying; in Swedish] Please, please!... Please, Godric!
Godric: [in Swedish] Father... brother... child...
[in English]
Godric: Let me go.
Eric: [stops crying, breathing deep] I won't let you die alone.
Godric: Yes, you will.
[Eric gets to his feet as Godric rests a hand on his shoulder]
Godric: As your maker. I command you.
Sookie: [Eric walks to the stairs, she reaches for him and he turns to her] I'll stay with him. As long as it takes.
[Eric leaves]

Maryann: You're lucky, Sam. It's everyone's wish to have their life mean something. So few ever get to realize that.

Tara: You wanna be alone?
Sookie: No. I used to do this all the time. Just lie in the sun till the whole world faded away.
Tara: And your Gran would yell about you putting on sunscreen.
Tara: "You're frying like a fritter in a pan."

Sookie: You wait to tell people how you feel about 'em, you never know what can happen.

Lafayette: Ya bitches just don't know what you're missin'. I got six gears on these hips.
Dawn: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing.You can watch her walk away... make you wanna slap it? Ooo, you wanna slap it?
[slaps her butt as she walks away]
Lafayette: Everybody know that. Everybody been there. Ain't that right J-John's been there!
Arlene: [backing away, hands under her breasts] I'm slapping it. Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
Lafayette: [shaking his hips] I'll give you a little cocoa.
Arlene: Peaches and cream.
Lafayette: Little cocoa.

Bill: You've heard there's a maenad in our midst?
Sam: I'm familiar.
Bill: You are aware she is here because of you.
Sam: Something like that.
Bill: I need you and Sookie needs you to make this right.
Sam: If I thought it was as easy as givin' myself up to Maryann, I'd have done that by now, and what's to say she's gonna stop at me? Killers just don't suddenly quit killin'. You oughta know that.
Bill: And standing by idly is not an option either. You must come with me.
Sam: Oh, I'm not sure I wanna be doing that.
Bill: I'm not sure I'm giving you a choice.

Sam: [in his office] Where the fuck have you been?... Couldn't pick up the damn phone?
Lafayette: [trying sincerely] Sorry.
Sam: Well 'sorry''s not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry. But there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead... You know ordinarily, right about now you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. You wanna talk, do some talkin'.
Lafayette: Sam, all I wanna know is can I have my job back?
Sam: Now I oughta tell you to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the V.A. hospital... Of course you can have your job back. Place ain't the same without you.

Dr. Ludwig: I'll expect my payment by the end of the week.
Eric: It's always a pleasure doing business with you, Dr. Ludwig.
Dr. Ludwig: Fuck off!
Bill: Clearly the pleasure is one-sided.
Eric: She's no fan of the fang. She tolerates us, because our blood is of such great value to humans.

Sookie: [very upset] How 'bout I tell you what you can get for me, Andy Bellefleur. I'd love to have who ever's killing off my family's head on a platter! Think you could arrange that for me?

Jason: You ain't got nothin' like grenades, flamethrowers?
Rosie: I'll tell you. If you let me blow you.
Jason: Rosie, I ain't never taken advantage of someone while she was fucked up.
Rosie: What a liar! I know for a fact that Patsy Lyle passed out in the middle of having sex with you.
Jason: She was fine when it started!

Sookie: Some vampires like to keep a human around for sex and blood.

Jason: I'm alive. Holy shit. God saved me. I'm saved.
Sarah: Oh, for heaven's sake, grow a brain cell. Paintballs!

Bill: We established there was to be no hunting in this house.
Jessica: I know you feel like shit because you had to make me and you should feel like shit! But guess what? I'd never kissed a boy before that. Meetin' Hoyt is the only good thing that's happened to me since... my whole new life started. No, I'm not ready for any thing to happen to fast. I-I'd been happy just to go on kissin' him all night long... Is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on?
[realizes what that means and runs up stairs]
Sookie: I think I'm gonna like her.
Bill: Sookie, do not make the mistake of thinkin' you two can be girlfriends. She is...
Sookie: Yeah, I get it. She's a vampire. Believe me, I learned my lesson about that.

Bill: You're connected. He'll be able to sense your emotions.
Sookie: You big lying A-hole.
Eric: Bill, you're right. I believe I can sense her emotions.

Lafayette: [cringing, while watching Jason demonstrate what he went through] Damn!
Jason: Yeah, just like that and no anesthesia either.

Eric: I admire you,, Bill, it takes a real vampire to admit he cannot protect his human.
Bill: And it takes a true monster to not care about anyone or anything other than himself.
Eric: I care about others.
Bill: You care about Godric. You had no obligations to Dallas or Texas. This is personal for you, why?

Caroline: [opening the door with a gun trained] Who's there?... Good god in heaven.
Bill: [coming out of the shadows] Caroline, my dearest.
Caroline: The war ended three years ago... I was sure you had parrished.
Bill: I'm home now.
[embracing her]

Eric: Since you like humans so much, I think you would want to protect them. The vampires here, they're like cowboys, if they don't get Godric back, they'll want justice. They'll start attacking people.
Bill: Open aggression against humans? That's insane.
Eric: Well, it's Texas.

Eric: You surprise me. That is rare quality in a breather
Sookie: [seething] You disgust me.
Eric: Perhaps I'll grow on you.
Sookie: I'd prefer cancer!

Eric: [about Bill missing] The Queen is the last person I need finding out about this.
Pam: You're not the only one whose fate hangs in the balance here.
Eric: And what do you think the Queen will do if I tell her I've lost the one vampire who could link her to the dealing of vampire blood?
Pam: What do you think she'll do if she finds out from someone else? Call the Queen.
Eric: There are times when I seek your counsel, Pam. Now is not one of those times.

Tara: [uptight] Did you own slaves?
Sookie: [shocked] Tara!
Bill: I did not. But my father did.

Bill: [arriving at Fangtasia] You said you wanted to go out tonight.
Sookie: [clearly upset] I did not mean Fangtasia! I mean really, all those pathetic people who come here looking for sex with vampires.
Bill: I know. It's despicable.
Sookie: You know what I mean. So what? Five, ten minutes?
Bill: As long as Eric requires us.
Sookie: You mean as long as he requires me! Didn't even have the decency to ask me himself.
Bill: You are mine. He didn't need to ask your permission.
Sookie: He cannot check me out like a library book!
Bill: Unfortunately Sookie, he can. Eric is sheriff of Area 5.
Sookie: Sheriff?
Bill: It's a position of great power among our kind. We do not wanna anger him. As long as the requests are reasonable, we should accede to his wishes.

Jason: Jason Stackhouse, abstinent.
Luke: Sounds good, don't it?
Jason: Not really.

Tara: [eating the soufflé] Well damn. What is in that? Is that the rabbit you caught?
Maryann: [wickedly] Among other things.

Russell: As always the deposit will go to your trust account.
Franklin: I want cash.
Russell: The last time you had any real money, you ended up at the slots in Biloxi, slaughtering a church group of elderly women.
Franklin: They wouldn't let me have a turn!
Russell: Why are you dragging another girl around? So sloppy! I'm tired of cleaning up after you!
Franklin: This one is spectacularly different.
Russell: [considering] Hmm.
Franklin: She's a disaster! We could be twins. The attraction is eeeelectric.
Russell: Franklin, you're a huge freak, but I like your work.

Bill: [points the gun at the state trooper's face] Now, you listen to me, officer. I do not take kindly to you shining your light in the eyes of my female companion. And as I have more than 100 years on you, I do not take kindly to you calling me "son". So the next time you pull somebody over on suspicion of bein' a vampire, you better pray to God that you're wrong. Because that vampire may not be as kind to you as I'm about to be. I'm not gonna kill you. But I am gonna keep your gun. Does that sound fair?

Sookie: I rescind your invitation!
Bill: [crushed] Sookie, don't. Please... Sookie. Please.

Tara: Maybe I should go check on Sookie.
Lafayette: Trust me, that child is dead to the world right now.

Tara: I should tell you, I am married.
Terrell: Well, that's not a problem for me.
Tara: Uh huh, well, my husband is a mercenary. Yeah, Blackwater. He just got back from assassinating some guys in Iraq.
Terrell: Ah, you making that shit up.
Tara: Oh, I wish I was. 'Cause he ain't worth me I can tell you that. But if he ever caught me with another man, he'd kill us both. I'm not sure who he'd kill first. Probably me. I hope so.
Terrell: Bitch, you crazy!
Tara: He already shot one guy in the nuts just for buyin' me a CD!
Terrell: Oh, hell no!
[leaves]

Russell: [looking through the file] Bill Compton is lyin' to me.
Franklin: Yes, sir.
Russell: Who keeps a dossier on his human? Why would he care about her family tree? Sophie-Anne's overstated perfume is all over this.
Franklin: That's what I thought.
Russell: [about Sookie] She's already escaped me one, this barmaid.
Franklin: Send a wolf. What do you expect?

Amy: [to Jason] I'd do anything for you.

Eric: [to Pam] Your lack of sentiment has always been your most admirable quality. Do not disappoint me now.

Jason: You're my dog.
Lafayette: Well, I love you right back.

Amy: [to an upset Sookie] Take a break. It'll do you some good.

Maryann: Detective Bellefleur, you come dance with me.
Detective: I don't dance.
Maryann: With me, you do. Come on, come on!

Tara: [her mother comes in the bathroom] What do you want?
Lettie: Sam Merlotte's here to see you. You ain't sleepin' with him, are you?
Tara: Now what makes you jump to that conclusion?
Lettie: Cause he brung flowers with him. And men only bring flowers if they already slept with you and lookin' to again. That especially goes for white men as black men are less prone to grovel.

Jason: It's for this dude who we got in lockup. He's got this information I need, but he'll only give it to me if I get him some meth.
Lafayette: Jason, no. I don't deal no fucking meth. And even if I did, I wouldn't sell the shit to you. And you ought to thank me for it.
Jason: Goddamn it, Lafayette, I'm in love!
Lafayette: ...With the dude in jail?

Sam: [surprised] Y-you're a...
Daphne: A shapeshifter and proud of it!
Sam: How'd you... how'd you find out about me?
Daphne: Last night in the woods, I watched a dog jump in the water and it came up you.

Sookie: [just getting home and seeing him suddenly] God damn it Bill! How many times do I have to tell you do not do that!
Bill: I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional. I just got here. I wanted to make sure that you were safe.
Sookie: [listening to his mind and hearing nothing] Why can't I hear your thoughts? Do you even have any thoughts?
Bill: Oh, I have thoughts. Many life times of thoughts.
Sookie: So why can't I hear them?
Bill: I don't know. Perhaps it's 'cause I don't have brain waves.
Sookie: Why not?
Bill: Because I'm dead.
Sookie: No, you're not! You're standing here, talking to me.

Sookie: Tara Thornton, would you like to move in with me?

Tara: [after confessing about sleeping with Sam] Y'know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette: Oh damn. White folk get all fucked up.

Jason: Just because I let Bill give you his blood, don't mean I forgive him. Sook, you need to press charges. What he did to you, that's domestic... something.

Eric: I hope you'll enjoy your blood substitute, which is costing me $45.
Bill: I have no intention of drinking it, I just want you to pay for it.
Eric: You're so mature.

Sheriff: [about her getting into trouble] Sookie, you're a good girl. I hate to see you go down this path.
Sookie: [snapping] Well lucky for you, Sheriff Dearborne, nobody's forcing you to watch.

Tara: Race may not be a hot-button issue it once was, but it's still a button you can push on people.

Eggs: [washing his hands] Where's Maryann? She's gotta know what happened.
Tara: We're okay. That's all that matters.
Eggs: [scoffing] Blood on my hands is not okay, Tara!
Tara: Sookie helped me remember some of the things I lost and I wish I could forget it again. Trust me, there's things you don't wanna know.
Eggs: Well, how do you know I don't wanna know 'em?
Tara: All that stuff's in the past. Why dwell on it? Can't was just start fresh?

[customer snaps for service]
Tara: Do NOT snap at me! I have a name, and that name is Tara. And innit that funny? A black girl being named after a plantation?
[customer laughs]
Tara: No, I don't think it's funny at all! In fact, it really pisses me off that my momma was either stupid or just plain mean. Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight!

Coralee: Gas leak, my ass. You know the real reason no one remembers anything? It's the way the aliens wanted it.
Vonetta: The what?
Coralee: "Maryann Forrester" rhymes with "Martian Foreigner." She's a fugitive from her home planet. Everyone knows that, uh, aliens erase people's memories. It just adds up.
Vonetta: I heard that Maryann Forrester was an agent of the pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media, and she poisoned our water supply with LSD as a mind-control experiment.
Coralee: Like they did to San Francisco?
Vonetta: Yeah. That's why I stick to Mountain Dew.

Sheriff: What the hell are you doing?
Andy: He offered.
Sheriff: He's a suspect.
Andy: Maybe to you.

Denise: [warningly] You don't wanna be on my bad side.
Sookie: I'm not sure you even have another side, you no-account backwoods trash!

Sam: You think maybe I should... shut down the bar for the day?
Sookie: All that'd do is deny people a good, stiff drink on the day they could use it the most.

Sam: [after Bill has left] Can't you see what he's really like? I mean, how can you even think about being with him?
Sookie: [distraught] Sam, my living room's wrecked! I've got a killer, a vampire and a shapeshifter on my plate. Right about now I'm not thinkin' about being with anybody!

Arlene: A hostess ain't gonna help me with my workload. And she sure as heck ain't helping herself to my tips.
Sam: Calm down. I put an ad in the Pennysaver for another waitress. No one said anything about Jessica getting tips.
Arlene: People love giving redheads tips!

Bill: [to Sookie, about Jessica] You undermined my authority as her maker! You risked those people's safety and your own! If I had not glamoured them with in an inch of their sanity, both our lives would have shattered!
Sookie: I know. I'm sorry!
Bill: You keep sayin' that and I am expected to what? Forget this ever happened?
Sookie: What else do you want me to say? I know when she asked me to take her, I should say no. But all I could think about was Gran and what I would give to see her again.
Bill: That does not give you license to behave like an irresponsible child! She is a loaded gun, Sookie. Not a doll for you to dress up and play with!
[Sookie gets out of the car]
Bill: What are you doing?
Sookie: Walking!
Bill: Don't be ridiculous. Bon Temps is nearly 20 miles away!
Sookie: [walking away] I'd rather walk all night then spend another second in that car with you!
Jessica: [to Bill, after he gets back in the car] She wants you to go after her. She wants you to go after her and kiss her and tell her that you love her.
Bill: She will come back, when she calms down... she will come back.

Jason: Tonight, the universe showed me my destiny. For me, that's to protect and serve the citizens of Renard Parrish. Police work ain't just about tacklin' people. There's marksmanship, para-military training... I got all that now. Let's face it. Would you feel safe with me patrolin' the streets or Andy Bellefleur?

Magister: [to a vampire] Idiot! You fed on a human that belonged to another. Three months of starving 'till your fangs grow back will teach you better manners.

Nan: [to the vampires in attendence] Do you have any fucking idea of the PR mess you've made? And who has to fucking clean that up? Me, not you, Me. We should drain everyone of you bastards.
Eric: Stan went to the church on his own. None of us knew anything about it.
Nan: Oh really? Because everyone who met Stan in the last three-hundred years knew that he had a kink about slaughtering humans. But you, his nest-mates, his sherrif has no clue.
Isabel: And how were we supposed to know that this time he meant it?
Nan: Not my problem. Yours.
[to Godric]
Eric: [seething] Don't talk to him like way.
Nan: [to Eric] Don't talk to me that way!
[to Godric]
Nan: Lets get to the point, sheriff. How'd they manage to abduct you?
Godric: They would've taken one of us sooner or later. I offered myself.
Nan: Why?
Godric: Why not?
Nan: [pinched] They wanted you to meet the sun and you were willing?
Godric: What do you think?
Nan: I think you're out of you mind and than I hear about a traitor?
Godric: Irrelevant. Only a rumor. I'll take full responsibility.
Nan: You bet your ass you will!

Jason: I do know that I'm meant to do somethin' important with my life and as soon as I find out what that is, I ain't gonna fuck it up.
Sookie: [happy] That's good.

Pam: [as he walks up to Fangtasia with Sookie] Bill. Haven't seen you in a while.
Bill: I'm mainstreamin'.
Pam: Good for you. Who's the doll?
Bill: Pam, this is Sookie. Sookie, this is Pam.
Sookie: [smiling, extending her hand to Pam] Pleased to meet you.
Pam: [just looks at her] Can I see your ID?
Sookie: Oh. Sure. How funny. Who'd have thought? Getting carded at a vampire bar.
Pam: I can no longer tell human ages. We must be careful we serve no minors... in any capacity.
[looking at her id]
Pam: Twenty-five, huh? How sweet it is.

Eric: You are aware there's a gaping hole in your leg? You're damaged goods.
Lafayette: Not if you turn me. I'd be good as ever. Look I'm already a person of poor moral character. So, I hit the ground running and I damn near glamor people already. Gimme what ya'll got. Not only will I be a badass vampire, but I'd be your badass vampire.

Sam: When people come in, first thing count how many of them there are. More than two always gets a table, never the bar. Say there's three. Pull out one, two, three menus, and walk them to their table.
Jessica: Well, what about the waitressing part?
Sam: Gotta be 18 to serve alcohol in Louisiana.
Jessica: That is so not fair, I'm never going to be 18! And I used to be the best server at Archer's Pancake night.
Sam: Think you can handle it?
Jessica: I'm a vampire, not a fucking idiot!
[Turns to next group of customers]
Jessica: Hi, welcome to Merlotte's, table Five's available, if you'll just follow me to right this way.
[Gives Sam a look as she walks by]

Lafayette: [Jason sticks a meat thermometer slowly lengthwise into a sausage] Damn!
Jason: Yeah, just like that. And no anesthesia, either. First, I get hauled in by the cops; then, I gotta let a dude drain my johnson. That's a fuck of a day.

Pam: [to Bill about Jessica] She is extremely annoying.

Franklin: Mind if I, uh, come in?
Tara: Hell no. I got a terrible track record with letting people into this house.
Franklin: Oh, don't be that way, Tara. Tara. That is such a beautiful name.
Tara: As far as you're concerned, my name is: "That girl from Bon Temps, huh? Wonder how she's doing. Too bad I can't get a hold of her anymore."

Jason: [to Sookie] When you love someone, you gotta love it all. Otherwise it ain't love.

Sookie: [to Long Shadow] Hundreds of years old and you're still a terrible liar!

Adele: He seems like a very nice man.
Sookie: He's not.
Adele: He's not nice?
Sookie: Or a man.

Jessica: [coming from the back, to Sookie] I just saw my parents on TV!
Sookie: Oh no, I'm sorry.
Jessica: I finally get why they never wanted me to watch in it the first place. It's horrible.
Sookie: Umm, where's Bill?
Jessica: I have no idea. All he told me was, 'Jessica, I have errands to run. Errands which do not require you presence. So remain here and do you best to stay out of trouble while I'm gone.' I hate it here! I hate it so much!
Sookie: Jessica?
Jessica: Damn. I miss them.
[her family]
Sookie: Your parents?
Jessica: My little sister, who I always was totally horrible to and... I'm just such a brat.
[crying tears of blood]
Jessica: What's wrong with me?
Sookie: Sweetie, vampires don't cry regular tears. So when you cry, you're gonna cry blood from now on.
Jessica: Why do you know this and I don't? Don't you think I should know this about myself?
Sookie: Bill probably should have told you.
Jessica: Geez, ya think?

Stan: [about Hugo & Sookie] Maybe the little rats have run off, joined the Fellowship themselves.
Isabel: Careful. Hugo is mine.
Stan: Oh please! If you care so much about him, you'd have been in that church hours ago.
Isabel: With no plan, no exit strategy? That's why you'll never be sheriff, Stan, You don't think.
Stan: And you're too chicken shit to act! That's why you've been getting Godric coffee for the last fourty years.
[to Eric]
Stan: And you... Fellowship has your maker and you telepath and still you do nothin'.
Eric: [advancing to hold Stan to the wall] Are you questioning my loyalty, Stan?
Stan: Just trying to return Godric to his rightful position.
Eric: Oh really? 'Cause I think maybe you have another agenda. You think starting a war with the Fellowship will distract us from the truth. That you're so starved for power, you murdered Godric for his title.
Stan: That's a lie! How dare you accuse me?
Isabel: Eric, we don't know this. There's no proof.
Eric: [releasing Stan] Not yet. But I will find it and when I do, there will be no mercy. In the mean time, you two can stand here and quibble over his decision. Run into that church and kill them all. I no longer care.
[turning as blood tears start]
Eric: If Godric is gone, nothing will bring back what I have lost.

Pam: [handing Sookie a leather outfit] Put these on.
Sookie: Oh, thank you. But I-I'm fine really. I'm just gonna dry out my hair and be on my way.
Pam: You're not going anywhere. Eric and your boyfriend aren't nearly done talking just yet.
Sookie: Is... Bill is some kind of trouble?
Pam: That's for the boys to figure out. Right now, what you need to do is change out of your clothes. There's vampire in your clevage.
Sookie: [looks down and gasps] Okay. Eeww!
Pam: Allow me.
[takes the bloody piece out]
Sookie: Thank you.
Pam: I'm beginnin' to understand the fuss everyone's makin' over you.

Bill: [in bed with Sookie after finding the cat dead] Aren't you tired?
Sookie: Everytime I close my eyes, I see her face.
Bill: Your cat?
Sookie: Gran. But now that you mention it, Tina's in there too.
Bill: You do know that I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. That I am here for you, to protect you.
Sookie: What if I don't wanna need to be protected? What if wanting to be protected makes me feel like the helpless little girl I used to be all over again?
Bill: Sookie... all of the things that you need to be protected from, all of the trouble you're in, you are in because of me. So, you needing to be protected has nothing to do with you or who you are. All of it is my fault. So why don't you just go to sleep and let me be the one to worry about it.
Sookie: Bill, all the trouble I'm in, it's mine. I chose it. I chose it when I chose you.
Bill: Yes, but...
Sookie: Don't you think I wanna blame somebody else? But what happened to my Gran, and now to poor Tina, it's my fault. And it's sweet of you to try to take it on from me, but if I let you, I'd be so mad at you, I'd never be able to look at you again. And right now your face is just about the only thing getting me by. So why don't we just leave it on me, okay?
Bill: [pause, accepting] Very well.
Sookie: Night Bill.

Jason: Shouldn't was at least get the law involved?
Detective: [offended] I am involved!
Jason: Well, I meant Sheriff Dearborne, Kenya, that other guy, the squirrelly one...

Lafayette: Don't blame the Ferrari just 'cause your ass can't drive. You're gonna have to learn to ride the high, boyfriend.

Isabel: Consider my offer. If nothing else, with Hugo there, Sookie will be less likely to arouse suspicion. People of the church, they have a way of not trusting woman when she's absent a man.
Sookie: Bill, I have to say, as a woman who's been absent a man most of her life, that could not be more true.

Sookie: [watching Eric with the new dancer] What the s...?
Eric: [stops and turns] Sookie... see anything you like?
Pam: I do.
Eric: I take it Sookie couldn't be stopped?
Pam: What can I say? She overpowered me.

Queen: [about the Magister] Is it just me or is he really dull?

Terry: [looking at Sam's packed SUV] So you're just gonna cut and run? Just like that?
Sam: I'm not runnin'.
Terry: [almost angry] Uh huh. Remind me never to get stuck in a fox hole with you... coward.

Rene: [as Jason pulls into work, realizing he doesn't know] Holy shit. This ain't no good.

Terry: [completely tranced, about the god] He's comin'. He's on his way and he's gonna kill us all.

Tommy: [about Sam] He's just looking out for me.
Melinda: Yeah? Well, who the hell's looking out for me and for Joe Lee?
Tommy: I don't give a shit who's looking out for him
Melinda: Listen to me, little boy. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. I was ready to end my pregnancy because it would take me off the circuit for too long. It was Joe Lee who said I ought to go ahead and have you, case you turned out to be a shifter like me.
Tommy: Wow. What a saint.

Buster: [about the waitress at the pie shop] You won't get nothin' from her. She only been here two weeks. Comes from three generations of dumb as rocks.

Tara: Sookie?
Sookie: [wakes up, medicated] Tara. You look so pretty. Like someone turned a light on under your skin.
Sam: [smiling] Hospital gave her pain meds. She's-she's a little loopy.
Tara: [in tears] Didn't you listen when I said I'd lose my shit if anything ever happened to you?
Sookie: Don't lose your shit. I'm fine. Did Sam tell you that he saved my life? He turned into a dog and bit Rene.
Lafayette: [laughs] Well, shit. I'm gonna need some of them drugs they gave you.
Sam: Okay, you guys. We should let her rest.
Sookie: Sam, you need to let people see the real you. 'Cause you're kind and brave. There's nothin there not to love.
Sam: [smiles and winks] Right back at you.

Steve: And what's going on out there is a war.
[Jason looks out the window]
Steve: Not right now, Jason, but in general. And we all gotta choose sides. Now, you're either on the side of darkness, or the side of light.

Malcolm: [letting Bill in] Well look. It's everyone's favorite buzz kill.
Diane: Hey baby.
Liam: Yo mister mainstream. Thirsty?
[offers him blood]
Bill: No.
Diane: Hungry for something else? I remember you having a very sizable... appetite.
Bill: The three of you will stay away from me and Sookie from now on.
Malcolm: I'm your elder. You have no authority here.
Bill: There are higher authorities.
Malcolm: I'm not afraid of Eric.
Bill: Higher than him.
Malcolm: When then she can speak to me.
Diane: She can suck on sunlight for all I care.
Bill: You know, you are doing nothing to help our cause.
Diane: Not everyone wants to dress up and play human, Bill.
Liam: Yeah, not everybody wants to live off that Japanese shit they call blood, either. As if we could.
Bill: We have to moderate our behavior now that we are out in the open.
Malcolm: Not everybody thinks it was such a great idea and not everybody intends to toe the party line.

Arlene: [in a rush to Sam] I know, I know. I'm late. But Lisa decided to give Coby a nose piercing like she saw on America's Next Top Model and now he's got an infection.

Tara: [coming out of her trance, crying] Oh my god. I'm crazy... I'm weak.
Sookie: No, no. It wasn't you. It was not you.

Jen: [about Jason being soft] He's weird.
Missy: What ever. Okay, what's his problem?
Jason: It's... It's not you. It's just... Every time I look at you, I keep seeing these big old bullet holes in your heads.

Arlene: [after meeting Amy] Sam! Think we might have found a replacement for Dawn.
Sookie: [to Jason] Looks like you did too.

Steve: [angry] You know, what burns me the most is that I brought you into my home. I treated you like family!
Jason: I know and I'm so sorry... I'm weak.
Steve: Yes, you are! I gave you a chance and salvation and you chose *them*!
Jason: I know it was wrong. I...
[Realizes what Steve said]
Jason: Wait. Who are "them"?
Steve: Oh, please, cut the act. I know who you are and who you're workin' for.
Jason: [Confused] The road crew?
Steve: That's funny. Oh, boy, I didn't think that you were the sharpest tool in the shed. Good at takin' orders, but not too bright. But boy, was I wrong. You are snakier than a snake in the grass.

Calvin: Fuck you!
Deputy: I'm an officer of the law, and you are not allowed to say that to an officer of the law. That's the law.

Tara: Can I ask you a personal question?
Sam: Hold on.
[takes a drink]
Sam: All right.
Tara: Are you lonely?
Sam: Yes, I am. I am very, very lonely.

Amy: I am an organic vegan and my carbon footprint is miniscule.

Tara: [to Lafayette] Giving V to Jason Stackhouse is like givin' ho ho's to a diabetic!

Bill: [with Sookie at Fangtasia] You able to pick anything up?
Sookie: [looking around] All anyone's thinkin' about here is sex, sex, sex!
Bill: One needn't be telepathic to pick up on that.

Sookie: You said you could glamour somebody into letting you bite them? What is that? Hypnosis?
Bill: Kinda. It's similar. All humans are susceptible to it.
Sookie: Have you done it to me?
Bill: [affronted] No. And I never will.
Sookie: Really? Try it.
Bill: No. I don't feel comfortable with that.
Sookie: You chicken?
Bill: [stops walking and stares intensely into her eyes] Sookie?
Sookie: [hypnotic] Yes?
Bill: Can you feel my influence?
Sookie: [laughs] No! Not a bit! Sorry.
Bill: [confused] Sookie, this is very strange.
Sookie: You don't like not being able to control people, do you? That's not a very attractive trait, Bill.
Bill: Humans are usually more squeamish about vampires than you are.
Sookie: Who am I to be squeamish about something out of the ordinary?

Lorena: [as Bill wakes up suddenly] Is somethin' happenin' to your human?
Bill: Lorena!
Lorena: [holding him down] I made you. Your blood knows mine. You will never physically overpower me.

Jessica: [tastes Tru Blood] It tastes like ass!

Tara: No daddy and a drunk mom. All the fixin' fell to me.

Sam: I don't appreciate you trying to get me killed.
Tommy: I don't appreciate you comin' into my house like you belong here... I figured since we're related you could keep up.

Sam: [to Mary Ann] This is my bar! These are my people! This is my town!

Debbie: You thought this knight-on-a-white-horse shit would work? With me?
Alcide: What have you done to yourself?
Debbie: I finally got free of you. And I never been happier in my life.
Alcide: I still care about you. You go through with this, the pack will never let you back in.
Debbie: I don't need your pussy pack. And I was fucking Coot when I was still with you.
Alcide: This isn't about us.
Debbie: Like hell. You came here and brought this skank just to make me jealous.
Sookie: Skank? Well, coming from you, that's just funny.

Eric: [to Bill] We had a deal, your human and I. She will work for me as often as I like.

Eric: [at Fangtasia, about Jessica] She's your punishment, not mine. What am I supposed to do with her?
Jessica: Excuse me! I can hear you, mister rude! I wanna go to the bar. I wanna be one of those dancers. I'm hungry.
Bill: She won't listen to me! It will take more time than I have to teach her obedience.
Jessica: I don't obey anybody! Those days are over.
Eric: Can't handle one little girl, Bill? New ones can be like this. Man up, my friend. She's not even one night old.
Bill: That is not the issue!
Eric: [to Jessica] You want to stay with you maker, don't you?
Jessica: No, he's a dick! Dick, dick, dick.
[Eric chuckles]
Jessica: You're cute. Can I sit in your lap?
Eric: No.
Jessica: [whining] Why? Nobody let's me have any fun. Fuckers!
Eric: Sit down and shut up! Close the door.
[turning to Bill]
Eric: See, you have to be tough with them or they'll walk all over you.
Bill: I am well aware of that. But you see how she is and there are urgent matters to which I must attend!
Eric: Sookie Stackhouse? Haven't you done enough for her?
Bill: If any harm were to come to her because of my absense, you would be...
Eric: [leaning in intensely] What?
Bill: Without her helpful skills.
Jessica: Let me out! I wanna do something bad!
Bill: I would be in your debt. I would return the favor.
Eric: Oh yes, you will. You most definitely will.

Sookie: [shocked] The last time I saw you, you asked me to marry you.
Bill: You did us both a favor by not saying 'yes'.
Sookie: You have to say that... Someone is is listenin'.
Bill: Lorena, actually.

Sookie: How long before sunrise?
Bill: Forty one minutes.
Sookie: Hold me for forty?

Sookie: We just need to get in, get Tara, and get the hell out.

Lafayette: [knocking Jason to the ground] I told you to keep your god damn mouth shut!
Jason: Hey! This is my good shirt. And yeah, I kept my mouth shut.
Lafayette: My supplier, he gone! He fuckin' missing and if other vampires find out that I been sellin', the same shit is gonna - you understand that - the same shit is gonna happen to me!
Jason: [getting to his feet] You got nothin' to worry about.

Sookie: [after they have made love] Doesn't it get old for you? I mean you've been doing it for over a hundred years. Doesn't it get predictable?
Bill: Not with you it doesn't. You're entirely different. And the beauty and the tragedy of it is that you don't know just how different you are.
Sookie: Please tell me if I'm doing something wrong.
Bill: There's nothing more natural than the act of making love. Who am I to try to change what comes naturally to you.
Sookie: But if you could change something...
Bill: I wouldn't change a thing.
Sookie: [pauses] What's it like to sleep in the ground?
Bill: Well, it's not exactly comfortable. But it is safe. Which if I recall is what the three voicemails required of me that night.

Arlene: Sam? I thought you had a no-pet policy on those apartments you rent to us.
Sam: I do.
Arlene: Oh, I see. Unless it's your kinfolk? I don't appreciate you letting them have that dog when Coby and Lisa can't have a hamster.
Sam: What dog?
Arlene: That mean-ass looking pit bull that your mama and daddy brought out and piled into their van this morning. Like you don't know. I got kids, Sam. I can't be having some killer dog - -
[Sam runs out]
Arlene: ... Damn, everybody's ignoring me today.

Andy: I'm surrounded by assholes and morons!

Sheriff: Come by the station in the morning and I'll give you your badge back.
Detective: Really? I won't let you down, Bud. And I am never touching another drink again.
Sheriff: This town's a hell of a mess and I'm man enough to know I can't shoulder it myself... You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on.

Arlene: [In the woman's washroom] Excuse you. It says "ladies" on that door.
Lafayette: So what you skank ho's doin' in here?
Tara: Watch yourself, bitch.

Sookie: [after Tara came charging into the house] Watch you feet! I just waxed!
Tara: I hope you mean the floor.

Terry: [On the phone] Arlene's fixing to throw a Molotov through your brother's window if you don't get here.
Sam: Well, why? What's going on?
Terry: There's all kinds of noises, Sam. Girl noises. Ordinarily, I wouldn't wanna keep anybody from enjoying themselves...
Arlene: Enjoying? She sounds like she's being murdered!
Terry: Listen, I got me two kids with school in the morning and a pregnant woman who says she needs at least nine hours sleep.
Arlene: It's for the baby!

Sookie: I've always loved these. They're like booze for dolls.

Jason: [about his wife and him being gay] What, she never even had a clue?
Eddie: How could she, when even I didn't?

Sam: Keep your eye on Tara. If she needs anything, get it. She starts yelling or throwing drinks, come and find me.
Tommy: Sounds like my kind of girl.
Sam: Don't you flirt with her, either.

Ludis: I can have the sex with you!
Bill: That will not be necessary.

Sookie: You have no right to wear that dress!
Maryann: I know I should have asked you, but I couldn't find you. You'll probably never use it anyway.
Sookie: Oh, go to hell!
Maryann: Please don't be so negative. It is my day.
Sookie: And you're in my house and those are my friends!
[pause]
Sookie: Plus Jane Bodenhouse.

Arlene: [on the phone with one of her children] Honey, if Rene tells you you're too young to watch a scary movie on HBO, then I'm sidin' with him!
[Sam clears his throat]
Arlene: I know he's not your daddy, but your daddy does not wanna live with us anymore, remember?
[Sam sighs and backs away]

Bill: [leaning in close] Do you realize that every person in this establishment is staring at us right now?
Sookie: [shyly] Oh, their just staring at me because my brother is in some kind of trouble with the police. Bill, did you know Maudette Pickens?
Bill: I did not. They are staring at us because I am a vampire and you... are mortal.
Sookie: Well, who cares what they think?
Bill: Well, I want to make this town my home, so... I do.

Tara: [under a trance] Just give in. It feels so good.

Sarah: You came to prey on me. To ruin the sacred vow I made to my husband and then, like a coward, you ran!
Jason: No, I didn't... Okay, I ran. But it wasn't from you. It was from your husband and his crazy weapon collection. Why'd you have to go and tell him?
Sarah: Tell him? I didn't have to tell him anything. He's the one who told me!
Jason: [getting to his feet] Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Told you what?
Sarah: There are wolves in our hen house. We must defend our flock.
Jason: What's that got to do with...
Sarah: We have your sister!
Jason: Sookie's in the church?
Sarah: She came in yesterday, spoutin' the same lies you told!
Jason: Now you listen to me. She's got nothin' to do with this.
Sarah: You Stackhouses... you're nothin' but a buncha heartless, two-faced vampire fuckers!
Jason: [shoves her down] Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! If I find out any of you so much as touched her, I'm gonna come back here and it won't be with no fuckin' paint gun!
[drives away in the cart]

Bill: Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Soo-!

Sam: Hey, Arlene. Who's this?
Arlene: This is Holly, your new waitress.
Sam: Oh.
Arlene: Don't sleep with her!

Tara: [to Alcide] You need a faster van!

Bill: [entering the house] May I trouble you to use your phone?
Olivia: [pushing her tank back into the living room] I don't have one. I had to chose between my oxygen and my phone. And since no one calls me anyhow, I chose oxygen.

Sookie: [in Jessica's house] I don't normally curse. But you have seriously fucked me here!
Jessica: Hey, I know and I'm sorry. But I swear it was like it wasn't even me doing it. It must be all those new vampire impulse control issues.
Sookie: Fuck your impulse control issues!

Deputy: Mr. Fortenberry states he was clearing the ditch to replace a drainage pipe when he located the victim.
Andy: The head and hands are missing, but there's no blood, so he probably bled out before being brought to the scene. Muscle tissue shows signs of tearing rather than cutting, so it looks like our unsub just tore his head clean off. Only thing I know can do that's a vampire.
Mike: That would explain why there's no blood.
Sheriff: [Flatly] I quit.
[Leaves]
Andy: Hey, Bud, wait up. Where you going?
Sheriff: Did you hear me? I *quit*. I've had it with this shit. Every time we clear one murder, two more spring up! It's like crabgrass!
Deputy: We need you to sign the report...
Sheriff: You sign it. Or you. I don't care. Take this crap. All of it. Forty-three years and what have I got to show for it? Gaps in my brain and polyps in my ass. I don't need this horseshit!

Isabel: I know how worried you were about Sookie infiltrating the Fellowship and I thought Hugo could help.
Bill: And why would you want to help us?
Isabel: Because Godric is my sheriff, not yours. It would be criminal to let you take such a risk without my at least offering.

Cooter: Johnson's my best goddam man.
Talbot: They're all dumber than a box of rocks.
Cooter: Sir, that's unfair.
Talbot: To boxes... maybe... or rocks...
Russell: Talbot, dear, we forgot to offer Cooter refreshment. Could you?
Talbot: Of course.
[Gets up off the couch, looks at Cooter]
Talbot: Zima, correct?

Tara: [about Ruby Jean] You think I could end up like her?
Lafayette: There's some darkness in this family, Tara. My momma, your momma. But they ain't strong enough to beat it. We are!

Arlene: Everytime I get a night off my babysitter falls through on me.

Jane: [In Jail] Hey, Sam. Join the party.
Sam: What the f...?
Jane: I'd come down and give you a hug, but I lost my pants.
Deputy: Yeah, it's been a hell of a night. Must be a full moon.
Sam: Pretty sure it's not. Mike? What'd they arrest you for?
Mike: Sodomy
Sam: *What*?
Mike: Yeah they say I... I sodomized a pine tree.
Sam: What'd you do that for?
Mike: I don't know. Must have blacked out, but it's gotta be true. My pecker's got all kinds of scratches on it...

Eric: Here's what I know about werewolves. There's a reason their exsistance has remained merely a myth to humans for thousands of years. They're territorial, vicious, and pathologically secretive.
Sookie: [beat] Boy does that sound familiar.
Eric: And here's what I know about you. You're so blinded by your obsession with Bill Compton, you're likely to run through the streets screaming werewolf. By alerting who ever has Bill that we're on to him or getting yourself killed.
Sookie: You think I'm that stupid?
Eric: No, I think you're human.
Sookie: Don't underestimate me.
Eric: Don't underestimate yourself! Your life is too valuable to throw away!

Tara: [seeing Lafayette and Lettie Mae] Ah well. Looky here. Aliens.
Maryann: Ooh. Who's that?
Tara: Lafayette.
Maryann: Ooh. Lafayette, Ms. Thornton. Welcome, join us!
Lafayette: No. We're good.
Lettie: I'm takin' my daughter away from you.
Tara: Is that right?
Lafayette: Yeah, that's right.
Lettie: [to Tara] Child, listen to me this one time for once in your life.
Maryann: [as she, Tara and Eggs laugh] Don't be ridiculous. Take a load off. We're in the middle of a game.

Amy: The earth is a living organism. Makes weather, which is good for us. Plants give us the chemicals we need. Everything is connected. But you know that.
Jason: Yeah, I don't like how they keep takin' stuff away. Like Pluto's not a planet anymore and a brontosaurus stopped being a dinosaur.

Talbot: [to Bill] I'll show you to your room.
Bill: My room? Your Majesty, you promised me an explaination.
Russell: And I have no intention of letting you leave without one.

Sophie: Maenads are sad, silly things... the world changed centuries ago and they're still waiting for the God who comes.
Bill: Does 'he' ever come?
Sophie: Of course not. Gods never actually show up, they only exist in humans' minds, like money and morality.
Bill: If I can't kill her, how do I get her to leave Bon Temps?
Sophie: She has to believe she successfully summoned forth Dionysus in hope he will ravage her and quite literally devours her until she is lost into oblivion.
Bill: So she seeks death? The true death. The only thing she has evolved beyond.
Sophie: Ironic, isn't it? You know, they're really not that smart, these maenads.
Bill: So how does she summon this non-existent god of hers?
Sophie: I never said he was non-existent. I just said he never comes. She believes if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him or her, plus surrounded by the magic of her familiars then her mad god will appear. At that point when she willingly surrenders herself to him...
Bill: That's the only point she can be killed.

Jason: Ladies, this here is Hoyt Fortenberry. He just moved out of his mother's house.
Jen: [to Hoyt] I like you. You're like a big puppy.

Jason: [Jason is trying to subtly score V from Longshadow who's becoming irritated] Listen I'm looking for something that's a little closer to the color of the walls in here
Longshadow: Just tell me what the fuck you want little boy.

Warrior: [in old Swedish to a dying Eric, on the funeral pyre] All will be well. Don't be afraid.
Eric: [weakly] I'm not afraid. I'm pissed off.
Warrior: [hearing rushing noises] Who's there? Show yourself!
[is promptly killed along with Warrior 1]
Eric: [seeing a boy with ancient Roman tattoos] Are you Death?
Godric: I am.
Eric: You're just a little boy.
Godric: I'm not.
Eric: My men?
Godric: Dead.
Eric: You swine!
Godric: I watched you in the battlefield last night. I never saw anyone fight like you.
Eric: I would fight you now if I could.
Godric: [almost laughing] I know. It's beautiful.
Eric: What are you waiting for? Kill me.
Godric: Could you be a companion of death? Could you walk with me through the world? Through dark? I'll teach you all I know. I'll be your father, your brother, your child.
Eric: ...What is in it for me?
Godric: What you love most... life.
Eric: [considering] ... Life.

Bill: [laying her on the ground] Sookie... Sookie.
Sookie: [choking] I can't feel my legs.
Bill: [bites his wrist to give her blood] Quick, drink before the wound closes!
Sookie: Would I be a vampire?
Bill: You won't be! God damn it Sookie! Do you wanna live or not?
Sookie: [drinks a little before stopping] No!
[he forces her to drink]

Jason: People are always trying to fuck up other people's lives by telling lies about them. You want to really fuck somebody's life up? Tell the truth about them. They ain't never gonna be the same.
Hoyt: Well somebody musta told the truth about me then. My whole life has gone from happy to hell inside just a couple of days. No girlfriend. I got no roof over my head, unless you count my car.

Joe: Always dreamed of having my own chicken shack. Right. I would call it Mickens' Chicken and Chitlin

Terrell: [at the party] What's a fine girl like you doing sittin' here all by herself?
Tara: I'm watchin' my fool cousin tryin' to hit on the straightest man here.

Sookie: Bill, I think we should take her with us to Dallas. I think it would be good for you, because I think, deep down, you don't like vampires even though you are one.
Bill: So?
Sookie: Hating yourself is a bad thing.
Bill: I am a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented.

Franklin: You have a text message. Bitch, where are you? You said no boyfriends. Who is he? Who's Lafayette?
[He rushes across the room and chokes Tara]
Franklin: I'll rip your throat out!
Tara: [Struggling to breathe] He's my cousin and he's gay.
[He lets go of Tara and then smiles happily]
Franklin: Well how do I get rid of him? How 'bout um, I'm busy bitch. No bitch. You are bitch. Too many bitches. Hooker? In his other messages he calls you hooker. Hookah. Not hookah. That's a water pipe
Tara: Tell him I'm okay. Say trust me motherfucker.
Franklin: Trust me motherfucker. Brilliant. Hey Tara, watch how fast I type motherfucker.
[His thumb moves with incredible speed on the keypad]
Franklin: It's cool right?
Tara: Yeah. Amazing.
Franklin: I'll delete it so you can watch again.
[Again he types it extremely fast]
Franklin: Hook, look at me.
[He types something else]
Franklin: Love you.

Sookie: You heard about Eggs? I helped him remember things. That's why he went after Andy and got himself killed.
Jason: Yeah, that wasn't your fault. Believe me.
Sookie: Tell that to Tara. I don't think she's ever gonna forgive me. Maybe I deserve that.
Jason: Well, you were trying to help. It's the thought that counts and Tara's tough. She'll get through it.

Dawn: [about Jason getting arrested] Sweetie, didn't you just know already?
Sookie: [really irritated] I am not psychic!

Jason: Never really thought I was smart enough to get depressed.

Sam: Eyes back on your food people.

Sookie: I take it you heard what happened last night with Bill?
Sheriff: Kenya told me. She also told me you gotta hint out of line with her.
Sookie: If anyone was outta line, it was her! The man I'd be engaged to right now if I gotta chance to say yes, was kidnapped last night and Kenya wouldn't even file a missing person's report.
Sheriff: Well how the hell can she, Sookie; when the person missing ain't even a real person.
Sookie: Okay, tell me you did not just say that. 'Cause if you did, I might have to forget that I was brought up to respect my elders. We are all suppose to respect our elders. And since Bill Compton has gotta about a hundred years on you, I think he deserves at least a hint of your respect... There's a woman, a vampire actually. Her name is Lorena Krasiki and I think she's the one who took him. I need your help to find her.
Sheriff: You have to understand, Sookie. I got dead bodies pilin' up on me. Dead bodies and I can't be spending this departments limited resources followin' up on hunches about vampire-nappings.
Sookie: See, I don't think I should have to understand that because I love Bill just like you love your wife and your children and your grandchildrn. So to my mind, that makes him worth following up on.

Terry: Are we still on?
Arlene: I don't know, Terry. I need to focus on my kids!
[funning from the room]
Terry: ...Peculiar.

Sookie: [on the phone with Tara] This had better be an emergency.
Tara: I just quit my job.
Sookie: Again?
Tara: I can't work for assholes.
Sookie: Well, I'm glad you can afford to be so picky, Miss Say-Hello-To-The-Rest-Of-Us.
Tara: Oh, shut up. Sam is not an asshole, and he's totally in love with you.
Sookie: Tara, he is my boss.
Tara: Jesus, Sookie, you need to lighten up.
Sookie: You know I hate it when you use the "J" word. Now, I gotta go.
Tara: I'm comin' over. I need a margarita. A big one.

Luke: Sex outside of marriage is a sin.
Jason: You really believe that?
Luke: It ain't what I believe, it's what God believes. Some sins are bigger than others.
Jason: Like what?
Luke: Well, let's say you're gonna do it outta wedlock, gotta make sure the girl you do it to ain't married either.
Jason: Right. 'Cause adultery's bad.
Luke: One of the worst, right up there with incest and beastiology.
Jason: The f...
Luke: But all of 'em put together ain't half as bad as if you do it to a vampire. Or to a dude. Or a vampire dude. That's like creme de la creme sin. There ain't no repentance for that!

Crystal: We better tie him up before he comes to. He's a lot stronger than he looks.
Jason: All right. I'll get my handcuffs.
Crystal: No. He can... escape handcuffs.
Jason: What? What is he, a magician?

Sookie: I gotta get these thoughts outta my head.

Lafayette: I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big. For all the vital things I had to get and reach and yet there is only one great thing, the only thing to live to see the great day that dawns and the light that fills the world.
Jason: That's beautiful.
Lafayette: That's because that shit is Inuit. And we all is used to lesser religions.

Jason: I hooked up with Maudette last night. We had sex. That's all.
Andy: How would characterize the sex?
Jason: [hesitant] Uh... it was okay.

Rene: [thinking as he looks around for Sookie] I'm gonna rip your throat out and fuck your dead face.

Jason: [praying] Dear God. You gotta help me out. I don't know what's right or wrong no more. Maybe I never did. Just... please, please give me another sign. 'Cause I'm lost. I'm so fuckin' lost.
[is hit with a pillow]
Luke: There's your sign. Now shut up. Some of us are trying to sleep.

Tara: [to Jason] Come to me when you're sober, then we can talk serious.

Sookie: I'm a fairy? How fucking lame.
Bill: Fairy is but one of the names.
Sookie: What other names are there?
Bill: Finodrerr. Ellyllon. The Old People.
[pause]
Bill: ... Aliens.
Sookie: God fucking damn it. I really am an alien.

Jason: ...You're wearing gold pants.

Steve: [over the TV] It's a beautiful sunny morning in America, Ms. Flanagan. I wish you were here.
Nan: [tartly] Give me twelve hours, Reverand Newlin. I'll be right there.

Sookie: [shouts] This is Gran's pie!

Lorena: William. I love you.
Sookie: [Before staking her] You wouldn't know love if it kicked you in the fangs!

Maryann: What about the saints of India? What about the mystics of every religion?
Eggs: What about them?
Maryann: They would black out. Run and dance through the streets, levitate, act like monkeys, run around naked. Everybody thought they were crazy.
Tara: They *were* crazy.

Tara: [outside] Momma, I'm sorry. I didn't wanna tell you all that stuff. 'Cause in spite of everything of everything you've done, there's still some sick, sick part of me that can't bare to see you suffer. And I thought if you found out Ms. Jeanette was a fraud...
Lettie: No, girl. There wasn't no fraud. I am living, breathing, thrivin' proof there wasn't no fraud. I'm still healed. Healed stronger than ever.
Tara: You are?
Lettie: The good lord tested our faith by taking Ms. Jeanette away from us. I stayed true. I wish I could say the same about you. I'll pray for you.
Tara: Don't. I'm actually doing better than I have in a long time.

Maryann: [to Tara] Go, flourish and don't ever say 'no' to yourself.

Jason: You know, I was sitting in that jail, I just kept thinking about all the stupid stuff I've done.
Sookie: That must have kept you busy.

Terry: I have a diploma from anger management, where I learned talking about feelings is a manly thing to do.

Sookie: [gasping as she pushes Eric off of her] Can't breathe. You weigh a ton!
[shouting]
Sookie: Jason? Jason!
[seeing him not far and turning back to Eric]
Sookie: Uh oh!
Eric: [weakly, bleeding] Had to shield you.
Sookie: Well hurry up and heal yourself. What are you waiting for?
Eric: [gasping] Can't. Silver.
Sookie: I'll get Godric.
Eric: No time... suck... it out.
[silver bullets]
Sookie: Eric, I can't. It's gross and... it's you.
Eric: Dying...
[passes out]

Bill: I wanted to thank you for trusting me with your life. It couldn't have been easy.
Sam: Sookie's safe. You got what you wanted.
Bill: You wanted it too.
Sam: Well, she's family, but they all are. If there was a way to save 'em, I'm not gonna say 'no'.
Bill: I am grateful you would reveal your gift for the sake of the town.
Sam: It took me this long to realize you suffer a lot longer hidin' something than if you face up to it.

Sam: I'm a simple guy.
Sookie: [burst out laughing] What a load of horse pucky. Simple is one thing that you are not.

Bill: If you wanna torture anyone, torture me!

Bill: [about the other vamps] You saw them in the lair tonight. Despicable, vicious, petty creatures.
Sookie: You're different. You're not like them. No, you're not. You have a heart, whether it beats or not. There wasn't one vampire there who could say the same.

Arlene: [pacing, anxious] Oh, sweet Jesus! Please forgive me. I had no idea, Sookie. I swear!
Sookie: [still medicated] Of course you didn't.
Arlene: I brought him around my kids. I slept in the bed with him every night and all that time, it was nothing but lies. I mean his name, his accent. God! You think you know someone. How could I not know?
Sookie: None of us did. Don't blame yourself, honey.
Arlene: Can't help it. I told you to stay out of my thoughts. Isn't that why you didn't listen in on Rene?
Sookie: It was like he kept that part of himself locked away in some dark corner of his mind.
Arlene: [going to her] Sookie, I am so sorry. I want you to promise me somethin', okay?
Sookie: Okay.
Arlene: Someday, if I ever find another man, I want you to look inside his head and tell me everything that's in there.
Sookie: Uh... Arlene, it-it doesn't really work that way.
Arlene: Just promise me, okay? 'Cause I have the worst taste in men. Is-is Bill goin' to be okay?
Sookie: [her faces crumbles as she cries] I don't think so... no.
Arlene: [hugging her and crying] Oh, honey. Oh, sweet baby.

Tara: Not every detail of everyone's personal life is your business, okay?

Sookie: [comes in, seeing her crying] Tara?
Tara: [sobbing] It's Eggs.
Sookie: What happened?
Lafayette: They shot him.
Sookie: What? Who?
Lafayette: Andy Bellefleur said Eggs came at him with a knife, confessing to killing those women and cuttin' out their hearts.
Tara: The fuck he know any of that?
Sookie: Oh my god. Tara, he came to me earlier today. Said he needed help 'membering what Maryann made him do. So, so I helped him.

Lafayette: Wait a minute, you slept with Sam?
Tara: You know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette: Oh damn, white folk just all fucked up.
Tara: Yeah, that's what I said.

Adele: [on the phone, to the woman ranting] I suggest that you hear what he has to say before you take to lynchin' him.

Lafayette: I'm gonna take Tara to Sookie's. Bud, if you want to talk to her, you can meet us over there. And we're gonna steal this tequila over here, but I doubt that'd surprise any of y'all.

Lorena: [catching him] Open that door and I will end you!

Jason: I'm goin' to Merlotte's and find out what the hell's happenin' on my turf!
Bill: Jason, if it is the same creature we think it might be, you don't wanna go any where near it. Trust me.
Jason: Mr. Compton, I ain't about to sit back and let some monster destroy my town.
Sookie: Jason, this would be one of 'those' times to use your head.
Jason: Oh I am. I ain't never been so clear in my whole life. This here, is the war I've been training for.

Tara: Giving vampire blood to Jason Stackhouse is like giving ho-hos to a diabetic. You know he can't control himself!

Lettie: [about Tara] How is she?
Lafayette: [going to get in his car] Sleepin' finally. So keep it down. I don't wanna wake her up.
Lettie: Thank you for callin' me.
Lafayette: This ain't about you and me building a bridge into our future together, alright? You SHOT a gun at me! But you know what, I don't even have the time. I got two jobs, both of which I need. One of which I already didn't show up for today.

Arlene: I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, alright, but honestly, who here hasn't?
Tara: Bitch, Eggs wasn't no killer!
Detective: He confessed...
Tara: I don't care what he confessed to. He ain't responsible for it!
Arlene: Oh, why? Because of society? Because of slavery?
Tara: [Tara flips out] You redneck!
Lafayette: [Pulls Tara away] I'm gonna take Tara to Sookie's. Bud, if you want to talk to her, you can meet us over there. And we're gonna steal this tequila over here, but I doubt that'd surprise any of y'all.
Tara: [to Arlene] Stupid-ass racist dyed haired bitch!
[Leaves]
Arlene: I hate when they make everything about race.

Reverend: [to Tara] This devil woman came to you and introduced you to a man and together they tried to pull you down into the pits of hell.

Jessica: [to her father before she chokes him] Don't worry. This will only hurt for a minute.

Godric: [to Eric] You are a fool for sending humans after me.
Eric: I had no choice. These savages... they seek to destroy you.
Godric: I am aware of what they have planned.
[to Sookie, about Hugo]
Godric: This one betrayed you.
Sookie: He's with the Fellowship. They set a trap for us.
Eric: [to Godric] How long has it been since you fed?
Godric: I require very little blood anymore.
[an alarm sounds in the church]
Godric: Save the human.
[to Sookie]
Godric: Go with him.
Eric: I am not leaving your side until you are...
Godric: I can take care of myself.
Sookie: Come on! We have to go.
Godric: Spill no blood on your way out. Go!

Jason: You know, I read in Hustler everybody should have sex with a vampire at least once before they die.

Sam: Remind me why I hired you again.
Tara: Affirmative action!

Maryann: [after everyone has left] I'm all yours. Give it your best.
Sookie: My best what?
Maryann: The electricity. Do it again.
Sookie: I can't. It's never happened to me before. I don't even know what it was.
Maryann: [happily] I've never felt anything like it. It was like nature herself was shooting out from your fingertips.

Sookie: Okay, what is with this egg? Did you lay it?

Eric: [as they are leaving] I enjoyed meeting you, Miss Stackhouse. You will come again.

Sookie: [looking through the wrecked car] There's a body in here, but it's not Bill's! Give me a hand!
Jessica: [races down the hill and pulls out the body] Ewww!
Sookie: Is there a wallet or phone that might tell us who this fucker is?
Jessica: [quick search] No wallet, no phone.

Talbot: [Smells Tara] Mm, spicy. Who's a pretty girl? Huh? You're a pretty girl. You're pretty. Yes, you are.
Franklin: Piss off.
Talbot: I know it's not too good to be all matchy-matchy. But you and your dusky little blood beast are totally at odds with my decor.
Franklin: Nobody cares what you think about anything.

Eric: I'm following Godric's orders, and getting you out. That's all.
Sookie: He's your Maker, isn't he?
Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.
Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.
Eric: Don't use words *I* don't understand.

Bill: Sookie, you cannot be frightened of everythin' you don't know in this world.
Sookie: Well my world's openin' up mighty fast! And what I got here may be boring, but it's safe! And after the past couple of nights, safe sounds pretty good about now.

Eggs: [about MaryAnn] Doesn't it seem like she's got an endless supply of tropical fruit?
Tara: [passing him a joint] And pot?
Eggs: Now that I didn't notice. I'd been smoking pot since I was ten. My first kumquat, three months ago.
Tara: [laughing] I thought I was bad. Sneakin' cigarette's when I was twelve.

Jason: Just got all these questions spinning around in my head. I don't know what to do with them.
Hoyt: Like?
Jason: Well, like why is it that I barely know her, but I already love her? And who the fuck is that dick she's living with? And why would someone like her put up with that shit? And also, do you think she's named after the champagne? Because I'm thinking she was.
Hoyt: J, she's from Hotshot...
Jason: Yeah.
Hoyt: ...She's probably named after that drug that keeps the town afloat.
Jason: No, no way.
Hoyt: I'll bet you 100-to-1 her middle name's "Meth."

Bill: [about Eric] Tell me, do you enjoy living halfway up his backside the way you do?
Pam: Yes, it's nice. You should try it.

Tara: Did he bite you?
Sookie: No!
Tara: Are you sure? Cuz you know they can hypnotize you!
Sookie: Yeah, and black people are lazy and jews have horns.

Eric: [to Sookie about their escape] I can have you outta here in seconds.
Sookie: There's kids out there.
Eric: The other humans wouldn't think twice about hurting us.
Sookie: Why didn't you bring Bill with you?
Eric: His attachment to you is irrational. It clouds his judgment. He would kill every child in this church to save you.
Sookie: Why aren't you?
Eric: I'm following Godric's orders and getting you out of here. That's all.

Sookie: [to the armed congregation] Let us leave! Save yourselves! No one has to die!
Steve: The war has begun, you evil whore of Satan. You vampires cast the first stone by killin' my family! The lines have been drawn. You're either with us or against us. We are prepared for armageddon.
Sookie: The vampire you were holding got away. He's a sheriff. He's bound to send for help.
Steve: I'm not concerned with Godric. Any vampire will do for our grand celebration and we've got one right here.
[Eric]
Eric: [to Sookie] I'll be fine.
Steve: [gleefully] Brothers and sisters, there will be a holy bonfire at dawn.

Amy: Well, you know what I love about Jason? Everything is just right there on the surface. You never have to wonder what he's thinking.
Sookie: Yeah, because he ain't thinking.

Sookie: [after finding Dawn's body] Sweetie. What did you get yourself into?

Lafayette: What was it like inside Tara's head?
Sookie: Like there was no limit. Like anything could happen and probably will. You feel your insides expanding but there's also this... this emptying out right at the very center of your being and you don't want it to stop, ever.
Lafayette: Damn, that's deep.

Steve: You know Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody.

Sam: Listen, I know everyone says it, but I'm really not the guy you want.
Sheriff: If it's like you said, that there's something out there that's fixin' to get you, than jail's about the safest place to spend the night.
[locking the holding cell]

Jessica: I can kill anybody I want and there's an awful lot of people I'd like to kill.

Queen: When we do find the vampire responsible, how will you punish him?
Eric: Or her?
Queen: And will it be in public?
Magister: Of course when one who is proven guilty of such a crime must be made an example of. That kind of moral anarchy can not be allowed.

Godric: Do you believe in God?
Sookie: Yes.
Godric: If you're right, how will they punish me?
Sookie: God doesn't punish, God forgives.
Godric: I don't deserve it, but I hope for it.
Sookie: We all do.

Bill: [to Sookie] We're all kept alive by magic, Sookie. My magic's just a little different from yours, that's all.

Eric: You have no connections in the were community. They're not going to answer your questions, because they don't even want you to know they exist.
Sookie: Bill's out there somewhere, in danger. I can't just go with life like that's not happening. You know that. Maybe better than anyone When Godric went mi...
Eric: [Eric cuts her off] Bill Compton is no Godric.
Sookie: But he's everything... to me
[Sookie sniffs]
Eric: Please don't do that. It makes me feel... disturbingly human.

Jessica: You really think they're coming for you?
Bill: Or Sookie. Or both of us.
Jessica: Well, why aren't you with her, then?
Bill: Because she doesn't want me to be. If she needs me, I will know it.
Jessica: All right, she screwed up your proposal, I get it. But the whole time she was looking for you, she was wearing your ring.
Bill: Jessica, it's over.
Jessica: No way.
Bill: Way.

Jason: [Rosie is sobbing] Rosie, hey. You okay?
Andy: We had a man down last night.
Jason: What? Which man?
[Looks around]
Andy: Kevin! He's alive, barely. His mama's at the hospital with him.
Jason: Oh. What, uh, what happened?
Andy: He went to answer a distress call around 2 a. m.
Rosie: I thought it was a prank. Some moron called disguising his voice, said that there was a guy tied to a tree holding a bag full of vamp blood. I didn't know.
[Sobs]
Andy: We sent our man into an ambush. They smashed him up like a piñata. Crushed his windpipe. Boy's impossible to understand as it is.

Sookie: Do it, I want you to.

Hoyt: [trying to remove the cross] This ain't gonna budge without a jackhammer or a blow torch.

Sookie: [about yelling at at neighbor] I shouldn't have lost it like that.
Tara: Don't you feel sorry for yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been stickin' her nose where it don't belong for years.
Lafayette: Say it. I mean, if she talked any more shit she'd be shaped like a toilet.
[as he and Tara start to laugh]

Sookie: [after everything he has told her] You're gonna have to give me a minute here, Bill. I'm feelin' a little overwhelmed.
Bill: Of course.
[they start walking again]

Pam: Is there a problem?
Lafayette: No, hooker. Look, I can't sell all this sh1t by tomorrow. I got a cousin in trouble. She needs-...
Pam: [Pins him to the wall] I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember, I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long time, long time ago.

Malcolm: [to Sookie] Maybe you oughtta come on inside.
Sookie: Are you trying to glamor me?
Malcolm: [taken aback that she noticed] Yes.
Sookie: That doesn't work on me.
Liam: Why not?
Sookie: I don't know, it just doesn't. Is Bill available?
Bill: [from inside the house] Let her in... Diane, let her in.
Diane: Oh, fuck him.
Malcolm: [backing away] You have.

Claudine: Don't go back. Come with us.
Sookie: Come with you where?
Claudine: Our home. It's more beautiful than anything you can imagine.
Sookie: How do you get there?
Claudine: Swim. Come.
Sookie: [Thinking] Hate deep water. Mama and Daddy were killed by water. Don't. Can't swim.
[Out-loud]
Sookie: I can't. See, I never learned to swim.
Claudine: Don't fear the water. It wasn't the water that killed them.

Lafayette: You fellin' all floaty yet?
Tara: [broken] Kinda.
Lafayette: Good. Tequila and klonopin, baby girl. A steady diet of that will keep them thoughts away 'til y'alls more equipped to deal with them.

Lorena: Why am I here, Mr. Northman?
Eric: We want the same thing, you and I.
[when she just looks at him]
Eric: Okay, Bill has something I want and he's in the way.
Lorena: [knowingly] His human?
Eric: She's something more than human.
Lorena: What is she?
Eric: That I do not know. Whatever it is, he loves her.
Lorena: What makes you think I want him back? That I'd even take him back.
Eric: Because you didn't come all this way just to see me.
Lorena: [seething] I haven't seen Bill Compton is over seventy years. Surely you can't think I have any pull over him, what so ever.
Eric: I haven't seen my make for much longer than that and yet, I am still loyal to him. Fiercely.
Lorena: Shame I didn't turn you. Then again... you're not really my type.

Bill: [about her menu-ordered blood donor] Jessica, we discussed this.
Jessica: All I did was order him off the menu. You didn't say not to order off the menu.
Bill: I would no more allow you to feed on that young man than to watch pornography on television!
Jessica: Porno?
[Smiles wickedly]
Bill: Jessica...
Jessica: Hey, Sookie, there's dirty movies on TV!

Barry: Why won't you leave me alone?
Sookie: Because I've never met another telepath. Have you?
Barry: No, and don't say that word.
Sookie: It's what you are. Nobody else knows what it's like to be us. We need to stick together. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Barry: Yes it is! My life is shit. I can't do anything normal people do. If I'm not around a bunch of vampires, I can't hardly think straight.
Sookie: I used to feel exactly the same. Like I had a disability.
Barry: More like a curse.
Sookie: But lately since I met my boyfriend, it seems like telepathy can come in handy some times. You can even make a little money.
Barry: Then you're even crazier than I am.

[Loud knock on Lafayette's door]
Lafayette: Hold on, God Damnit! Shit! What the damn fuck, huh?
[Lafayette opens the door and realizes that it's Jason Stackhouse]
Lafayette: Why, hello, hotness!
Jason: Lafayette, I need your help.
Lafayette: I am so glad you are recognizing that truth.
Jason: Ha. You're wearing gold pants.

Ulfrik: [in Old Norse] You can't spend your life between a woman's legs.
Eric: [in Old Norse] I can try.

Jason: [about Maudette's murder] I don't even know why they suspected me. I think somebody heard I'd been with Maudette.
Sookie: Had you?
Jason: No.
Sookie: Are you sure? She *was* a woman.

Sookie: [about the symbol] It's stands for Operation Werewolf. Some kind of secret Nazi commando force from World War II.
Eric: And you found this branded on a dead man's neck?
Sookie: Bill summoned Jessica there. I think he was trying to show us who kidnapped him.
Jessica: Yeah, Nazi werewolves!
Sookie: That dead man was strong and fast enough to take Bill. I was hoping you could tell us more.
Eric: Never seen it before. Sorry.
Sookie: Why do I get the feeling you're blowing me off?

Maxine: But I never get to go to the party! You know how many invitations I passed up to stay home with my cry-baby son?
Hoyt: No, you always go, and you always drag me along with you.
Maxine: Oh you selfish little shit!
Hoyt: Y'know you can spew as much venom as you want to, Mama, I'm not letting you get anywhere near Merlotte.
Maxine: Oh you could come with me - maybe meet a nice girl instead of that devil slut.
Jessica: I'm getting real tired of this shit.
Hoyt: You're going to treat Jess with respect, or I'm gonna lock your ass up in that cubbyhole until Vampire Bill gets home.
Maxine: Oh, you're Dirty Harry, now huh? 'Cos you're dipping your penguin dick in that vamper tramp? You are cut from the same cloth as your daddy. You're both half men.
Jessica: Mrs. Fortenberry!
Hoyt: Just calm down.
Maxine: A half man and a dead whore - who else would have either of ya?"
Hoyt: [Jessica's fangs spring out] Jess, don't!
Jessica: Look, lady, you have no idea how little control I have over my actions. You also do not know that I haven't eaten in days.
Hoyt: Seriously?
Jessica: You give me one good reason why I shouldn't drain you dry.
Maxine: I don't gotta give you nothin'.
Hoyt: Fuck, no!

Franklin: Good evening, miss, are you home alone, tonight?
Jessica: Listen buddy, I don't know what you have in mind, but you are messing with the wrong girl.
[Extends her fangs. He extends his own fangs, then walks in]
Jessica: Vampires can't enter a home without an invitation.
Franklin: Human home - and the last human owner of this house died a year ago.
Jessica: Fuck! How come nobody tells me any of this?

Bill: [about Sookie] You're playin' with her life.
Eric: It's not game to me.
Bill: All this for a colleague. For the sheriff of Area 9, why?

Sookie: Aren't you gonna tell me to be careful?
Adele: You're always careful, Sookie, about what counts and I can depend on that.

Sophie: You killed my guards.
Russell: Only a handful. The rest were surprisingly unwilling to die for you and have defected.

Sookie: You can't just sit around waiting for your perfect idea of a man to come along. Life is way too damn short.

Bill: It doesn't matter if we ever meet again. You may be immortal, Lorena. But you are dead to me.
Lorena: [tearfully before leaving] I wish you hadn't said that.

Sarah: Keep in mind that your ring is made out of pure silver. Protect it with your heart because one day it might protect you.

Bill: [to Hoyt] Are you gonna leave or am I gonna have to throw you out! Through a window that is closed!
Sookie: Bill, that is just rude!
Bill: Sookie, I've got this.

Detective: You sure you wanna go in with no backup?
Jason: You're my backup. Now, this is Special Ops. We're surgical. One shot. Say hello to my little friend. Hasta la vista, baby. I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.

Tara: Maryann, why does Sam hate you?
Maryann: Sam hates me?
Tara: He practically jumped down my throat after you left last night. Kept saying I need to stay away from you. Why would he say that?
Maryann: Well I mean, I barely know the man. But if I had to guess, I'd say jealousy. You two have a history, don't you?
Tara: Yeah. But we're better as friends than we ever were sleepin' together. We both know that.
Maryann: Tara, you're still not valuing yourself. You are a fantastic woman. Sam lost you. He's just lookin for someone to blame.
Tara: But why you?
Maryann: Because you've moved on and hopefully, I've been apart of making that happen. Sam seems like a sensible, wonderful guy. But all my instincts scream unevolved.
Tara: [laughing] You're right. That man has way to many issues.
Maryann: And they're not your problem. Unlike Carl, you've done enough of taking care of people to last a lifetime.

Godric: I'm sorry. I apologize for all the harm I've caused, all our lost ones, human and vampire. I will make amends. I swear.
Nan: ...Take it easy. It's just a few signatures.

Eric: You killed a vampire, Bill. For a human. What are we gonna do about this?
Bill: What do you have in mind?
Eric: I'll take the girl.
Bill: No!
[long pause]
Bill: You can have anyone you want. Why do you want her?
Eric: Why do *you* want her? You're not in love with her, are you?
Bill: [incensed] Sookie must be protected.
Eric: Now, that sounds like an edict. But it couldn't be, because I would know about that. Admit it. You love her.
Bill: If I hadn't done what I did, would you have let his disloyalty stand?
Eric: Whatever I did to Long Shadow I would not have done in front of witnesses. Especially not vampire witnesses. Not smart, Bill. Not smart at all.

Sookie: [sobbing] What does he mean he doesn't want to be found?
Alcide: Um, I think it means he doesn't want to see you anymore.
Sookie: That's not what he said.
Alcide: Well, what do you think he said?
Sookie: I don't know what he said. I just know that isn't the man I love!
Alcide: Well, the man you loved never even existed except in your head.
Sookie: Is that supposed to be making me feel better?
Alcide: I don't know but no matter how well you think you know somebody, they can still turn around and kick you!

Tara: School is just for white people looking for other white people to read to 'em. I figured I save my money and read to myself.

Sookie: I hate your fucking guts, Eric Northman.

Woman on the phone: [ranting over the phone] You will go to hell for this!
Adele: Alright, same to you. Bye now.

Sam: [seeing her come from the woods] Sookie! Thank God. You okay?
Sookie: I'm fine. And for your information, not all vampires can take care of themselves.

Sophie: [about Bill & Eric] All this alpha-male posturing. Why don't the two of you just fuck each other and get it over with...? I could watch.

Lettie: [about Ms. Jeanette] She saved my life!
Tara: [trying] Momma? There was no Ms. Jeanette. She was just some woman who worked in a pharmacy. All-All that stuff on the buss wasn't real.
Lettie: Don't lie to me!
Tara: She told me so herself.
Lettie: You don't know what you're talking about!
[to the Andy and Kenya]
Lettie: She's just sayin's all this 'cause she still angry with me!
Tara: No! I mean yes. But no, it's true. She gave me ipecac and peyote and made me think I was killing my demon.
Lettie: No, no! It is a sin to speak of the dead like that! She was a good woman!
Tara: [still trying] No, momma. It was a scam. She stole from you and from me. So sorry.
Lettie: But she cured me! She cured me. I'm alright now, ain't I? Ain't I still right?

Lafayette: All the shit I done in my life - the drugs... the sex... the web site. I did it so my life wouldn't be a dead-end, and this is where I end up. Now what kind of punchline is that?
Royce: See, that's why we gotta talk - we gotta tell each other all the shit she we done; that way if one of us gets out, he can tell the world about both of us.
[Weeping]
Royce: I just hope it's me!
Lafayette: Whatever, if it make you feel any better, keep talking.
Royce: Alright, then when I was twenty, my cousin Rufus he was going out with this girl who claimed she could crush a beer can... with her tits. And, one night when we were alone, I asked he to show me. One beer can led to another, and before you knew it, she was crushing my head... with her tits. Rufus came home, and he was so mad, he threw me out the window; my hip shattered into a million pieces, and they replaced it, with... metal.
[Sobs]
Royce: My ass is magnetic now.

Tara: [about Maryann] So, collecting stray black people, that some kind of hobby of hers?
Eggs: [laughing] She's right about you. You are funny.
Tara: Oh, yeah? What else she tell you about me?
Eggs: Oh, she said, um, you crashed your car with a gallon of whiskey in your lap.
Tara: Yeah. It was vodka. Really cheap vodka.
Eggs: Hey, I'm-I'm not judging you... Believe me. I- When Maryann found me, I was, uh, well, let's just say I was a hell of alot worse off than you. She's a miracle worker. You'll see.
Tara: Yeah, well. I won't be stickin' around that long.
Eggs: That's too bad.
Tara: My mama, when she thought somethin' was too good to be true, sh-she'd say, "Satan in a Sunday hat." That's exactly what this is.
Eggs: You know it took me a long time to stop looking over my shoulder, too. But there are good people in this world. Sometimes, good shit happens.

Nan: You wanna lose your area, Viking?
Eric: You don't have that kind of power.
Nan: Hey, I'm on TV. Try me.

Sookie: Why aren't you takin' this seriously, Kenya? My boyfriend has been kidnapped.
Deputy: It's Deputy Jones and I'd appreciate you addressing me as such. How how long were you in the bathroom?
Sookie: No more than a minute or two.
Deputy: Was it one minute or two?
Sookie: What difference does it make when every second you spend questioning me, these bastards are getting further away!
Deputy: What if there were no bastards? What if, while you were in the bathroom for a minute or two, your vampire friend realized he didn't want to be humiliated any more and took off?
Sookie: Well than, how do you explain the turned over table inside? Because to me that looks like evidence of a struggle.
Deputy: To me, it looks like a man lost his temper... and with good reason.

Tara: [out in the woods] We've been walkin' for over fourty-five minutes now and you still haven't told me where we're going!
Eggs: Yeah, I did. I said I don't know.
Tara: 'I don't know' isn't a place, Eggs! It's a state of mind. It's a state of mind I don't like being in!

Eric: I thought in over a thousand years I'd seen all there was to see.

Jason: [remorseful] Our whole family's gone. Everybody who counts. We're all alone. We're all that's left.
Sookie: So you know what we gotta do. We gotta grow up. We gotta stick together and we gotta be good to each other or we're lettin' them down.

Maxine: [tranced] What would it do you to keep your own mother locked up in her own house. Norman Bates!
Hoyt: You know I'm going to take everything you've said for the last two days, about me, about daddy and I'm gonna lock it up in a little box and I'm gonna forget it ever happened.
Maxine: [growling] This is bigger than your petty little feelings. A god is coming into our midst. Does any part of your puny brain understand what that means?
Hoyt: We're stayin' home!

Bill: You should go to ground.
Lorena: And not be with you when the light flows out of you? I cannot.
Bill: And what will you do then? Find another man that you deem honorable? So you can turn him into a violent hateful thing like yourself? Destroying whatever it was you loved about him to begin with?
Lorena: Yes. It's all my fault isn't it? You never enjoyed killing those humans, writhing naked in their blood. Making love to me as the light died in their eyes. Oh no. I forced you to do all that.
Bill: No, you did not.
Lorena: Be a man and admit you liked it.
Bill: Just as you liked enticing all those starving men with your flesh. Luring them into your maker's clutches so that he could murder them and defile their bodies in unspeakable ways as you watched!
Lorena: I am NOT Istvan!
Bill: Really? He made you his mirror just as you tried to make me yours. He is the reason that a girl, who once marveled in the beauty of all life, now delights in bringing pain and horror to every moment
Lorena: You never embraced our nature!
Bill: Your nature! It was never mine! I welcome death because only then will I be truly free of the disease that is you.

Sookie: You know what's kinda funny is that your thoughts don't have an accent.
Rene: That must be hard on you, living with that.
Sookie: It is hard, sometimes. You have no idea how sick and twisted some people are.
Rene: Oh, lord. I can believe that. Yes, ma'am.

Jason: [referring to Steve Newlin] Kill him, kill the motherfucker!

Steve: At first we just focused on the guns, but then we thought, well, hey, what's a wooden arrow?
Jason: Well, it's an itty-bitty stake.

Rev. Steve Newlin: You see? Justice as our Lord our Savior was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver, a few ounces of silver can betray a child of Satan to the world!
Sookie: That doesn't make any sense!
[to the crowd]
Sookie: How can you people listen to him?

Jason: A lot of Americans don't think you people deserve special rights.
Bill: They're the same rights you have.
Jason: No, I'm just saying there's a reason things are the way they are.
Bill: Yeah. It's called injustice.

Jason: [to Sookie, after taking some of her lunch] You gonna wear that suit, you might wanna start watchin' what you eat.

Lafayette: This has got to be the worst motherfuckin' intervention in history.

Sam: I spent my whole life either running away from people or pinning my hopes on somebody I can't have. I'm done with that.

Tara: [peeved] Nothin' says I'm sorry like a tuna cheese cassarole.
Lafayette: Another one?

Teenage: [in his thoughts] What the hell is this music? I feel like I'm trapped in some hillbilly's OxyContin nightmare. Man, I cannot wait to get the hell out of this Podunk town.
Sookie: Well make sure you do, and before it's too late. Because every year you wait you just get more and more stuck here. Believe me, I know.
Teenage: [in his thoughts] How'd she know what I was thinking. That's weird.

Luke: [after scaring Jason] How's that lip?
Jason: It's OK. How's your nose?
Luke: Uh?
[is punched by Jason]
Jason: Vampires are not a joke! There's a war goin' on and you're either on the dark side or you're on the side of the light! And there ain't no in between!

Jason: [about Eddie] All I'm sayin' is Lafayette didn't have to kidnap him and I'm pretty sure he left with some V.
Amy: Hey! If you wanna make the same arrangement with Eddie Lafayette's got, then have at it. This was just the only thing I could think of to get you out of blowin' your first vampire.
Jason: You done this before, haven't you?
Amy: Done what?
Jason: This! Kidnappin' vampires! Jesus! I should've known something wasn't right the second you walked into my life carrying that big bag of crazy! 'Cause any woman with a purse that big's bound to have something in it I don't wanna know about!
Amy: Jason, baby. You're sweet but you've gotta mellow out.

Hoyt: She asked me to come home with her.
Rene: So what you doing here, you?
Hoyt: I said I'd think about it.
Rene: Ahhhh, you a lost cause.

Rosie: Really? You dialed 911 and you got me? Oh, honey, you are fucked.

Sookie: Tell me where I can find Lorena? If you don't have him, she does.
Eric: Solid theory. But given the tenure of your last run-in with Ms. Krasiki, I think it's better if I delt with her instead.
Sookie: How do I know if you will?
Eric: Because if Bill was in fact kidnapped, by human or vampire, I am duty bound as sheriff in the area in which he resides to find him... even if I do want what is his.

Lafayette: 'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger,
[puts plate on table]
Lafayette: with AIDS?
Royce: I ordered the hamburger deluxe.
Lafayette: In this restaurant a hamburger deluxe come with frimp fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, AND AIDS! DO ANYBODY GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Royce: Yeah! I'm an American, and I got a say in who makes my food!
Lafayette: Well, baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raising your chickens, even brewing your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your goddamn table got AIDS.
Royce: You still ain't making me eat no AIDS burger.
Lafayette: Well, all you gotta do is say hold the AIDS. Here.
[licks hamburger bun]
Lafayette: Eat it.
[jams it in Royce's face]
Lafayette: [His friend stands up to help, Lafayette backhands him to the ground. Other friend steps up to help, Lafayette punches him in the stomach and he falls. Royce stands up, Lafayette elbows him in the jaw and he falls]
Lafayette: Bitch, you come in my house,
[picks up the rest of the hamburger]
Lafayette: you gonna eat my food the way I FUCKING MAKE IT! Do you understand me?
[dumps food in Royce's lap]
Lafayette: Tip your waitress.
[Walks toward kitchen; high fives Jason; goes back to kitchen]

Eric: [pacing the porch, teasingly] To have and to hold. To love and to cherish. To blah blah blah blah. Till death do you part. Doesn't bother you that you'll be the only one doing the dying?
Sookie: I'm not going to talk about this with you.
Eric: Okay... So you'd really rather stay out here all night than invite me in?
Sookie: One minute you lie to me, the next minute you ask me to trust you. You do something generous and selfless. And then follow that with something nasty or down right cruel.
Eric: [suddenly alert and rushing her to the door] Invite me in.
Sookie: You can't just bully your way in.
Eric: [drawing his fangs] Invite me in. Now!
Sookie: Mr. Northman, would you please come in.

Detective: [to Tara and Sookie as the continue screaming] Will you shut up? I can't think!

[repeated line]
Terry: I don't like feeling the pressure.

Jason: I hate that you been with vampires.
Dawn: And how exactly is that any of your business?

Eric: Humans... honestly, Bill. I don't know what you see in them.

Duprez: Vampire priests?
Pam: Do you know nothing of our history?
Bill: Vampires have often found it advantageous to maintain a hidden presence in humanity's most powerful institutions. And in the 1600's that was the Catholic Church. And today, as you all know, it's Google and Fox News.

Russell: "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." Rudyard Kipling. No Shakespeare, but less impetuous. And he never stole spoons.

Sookie: You'll never get Sam. He can escape you.
Maryann: That is why you are here. It's fate. Just as Sam Merlotte is the one who will bring forth my husband, you, my dear, are the one who will bring forth Sam Merlotte. The moment he learns where you are, he'll come running like a dog. Maybe even as a dog.

Maryann: [to Sam in dog-form] Abracadabra, Sam. What I just did to you, I can do anytime, anywhere. So unless you want your customers to know your little secret, you better thick twice before you threaten me ever again. Do we understand each other?

Arlene: [crying to Terry] Please talk to me. I mean if what we did was so terrible...
Terry: No, no! Arlene, don't cry. I didn't mean to be peculiar at you. I just don't know what we did.
Arlene: We had sex. Didn't we?
Terry: Did we?
Arlene: You can't remember?
Terry: Don't take this the wrong way, but... nope.
Arlene: Oh, baby. Oh me neither. I didn't know for sure.
Terry: Is that good?
Arlene: I don't know and I don't care. As long as you're not mad at me.

Terry: You know how to use one of these?
[holding out gun]
Sookie: I ain't that blonde!

Pam: To Arlene's children: You make me so happy I never had any of you.
Eric: No, c'mon Pam, they're funny. They're like humans, but miniature. 'Teacup humans'.

Bill: Your Majesty, if I am going to sign my own death warrant I will need something in return. When I have fulfilled my duties, I want Lorena gone.
Russell: Gone?
Bill: Yes.
Russell: It is a punishable offense to kill another vampire.
Bill: Not if no one reports it.

Godric: I'm actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.
[grabs Steve Newlin by the back of the collar]
Godric: Good people, who of you are willing to die for this man's madness?
[No one steps up]
Godric: That is what I thought.

Ulfrik: [Dying] You are king.
Eric: No. I won't allow it. Help!
[the soldiers are dead]
Ulfrik: You know what to do.
Eric: Yes
Ulfrik: Vengeance...
[Dies]
Eric: Vengeance.

Uncle: [seeing Bill suddenly] I... I don't keep cash in the house.
Bill: Oh, I'm not here for money... I'm here for Sookie.

Andy: If it turns out our V addict is from Hotshot, I'm calling in the FBI, the DEA, the ATF, the DOJ and Blackwater, and we're gonna send that shit hole back into the slime it climbed up out of

Sam: It would only be a matter of time 'fore you went off on somebody. I don't wanna drive my customers away.
Tara: I only go off on stupid people.
Sam: Most of my customers *are* stupid people.
Tara: Yeah, but... I could help you keep an eye on Sookie. You see the way she was looking at that vampire? That is just trouble looking for a place to happen.

Andy: Sam... where the hell did you come from?
Sam: I come from exactly the same place everybody else comes from, Andy.

Lafayette: [to Lettie Mae] Bitch! You, me, bridge ain't gonna never motherfuckin' happen.

Sookie: [describing her vampire experience] It felt like- It-it felt like every single care or worry or saddness I ever had was just flowin' out of me into him. And, yeah it hurt at first. But then when I relaxed, didn't hurt at all.
Lafayette: [chagrined] I was always too scared to let 'em bite me. I don't know, Sook, I just think that when there's blood involved, a line been crossed.
Sookie: Oh, I definitely crossed a line but glad I did.
Lafayette: Well you go ahead on, hooker with your badass. Good for you. It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line.
[Sookie leaves]
Lafayette: Skank.

Jason: I'm good at protecting people. It's like the only thing I do right, and that's what I'm doing.
Sookie: You're not protecting her. You're lying to her.
Jason: And they ain't always so different.
Sookie: Yes, they are.
Jason: How would you know, Sook? No one can keep anything from you.
Sookie: Vampires can.

Jessica: [chasing a wolf she's been fighting with] Hey! Get back here!

Sam: [about MaryAnn] Why is she going' through all this trouble tryin' to get to me?
Daphne: 'Cause you got away from her once. She can't control you.

Lafayette: Ain't no antidote to V, boyfriend
Jason: When my grandpa was alive, he had gout. And he said just the weight of a sheet on his big toe was too much to bear. So help me God, that's exactly what this feels like.
Lafayette: Maybe you should try rubbin' one out.
Jason: Were you listenin' to me?... I got gout of the dick!

Sookie: I thought vampires were the only one's who could hypnotize people.
Bill: No offense Sookie, but humans are shockingly susceptible to just about every form of thought manipulation.

Sookie: [to Eric, about Lafayette] You ought to be ashamed of yourself for what you've done to him!

Jason: You wanna go somewhere?
Dawn: Well, yeah I do... I wanna go home!

Talbot: I'm bored. Take off your clothes.

Bank: We have recently accepted a client who is Vampire-American.

Eric: [playing yahtzee] How long does this game go on for?
Sophie: We play to five million.
Hadley: [whining] She's way ahead.
Sophie: It's pure luck. Yahtzee is the most egalitarian game in the world. You could be my social, physical or intellectual inferior, but your chances are equal to mine. It's the perfect antidote for this world, where things of inferiority and superiority do matter.

Eggs: We're all luckier than we can imagine.

Terry: Bullshit. God has horns.

Jesus: A visit from the chef. Wow. It's my lucky day!
Lafayette: I wanted to meet the sick fuck who ordered the veggie burger with bacon.
Jesus: I was just curious to see if you'd actually do it.
Lafayette: Boyfriend, for you, I'd do all kind of things against my better judgment.
Jesus: That's why I come back. For the personal service.
Lafayette: You don't finish that, and you ain't getting no dessert.

Pam: Go on in... good luck gettin' out.

Sam: I don't know about you, but I think I've seen enough dead bodies to last me a life time.
Sookie: [perplexed] Except this one, I just don't get. With everyone Rene killed, you could see his rage. But this?... Cuttin' out that poor woman's heart? Someone just wanted to see her suffer! Every time I think I know what's what, it turns out... I don't know anything.

Sookie: [to Bill about Jessica's family] Please don't kill them!

Jessica: I wanna kill people. And I'm so hungry. And all you do is talk and I'm starving and you're so mean. You're supposed to take care of me, that's what you said. You suck!
[Starts laughing hysterically]
Jessica: That's funny because you do suck.

Chow: How much blood do you think he's lost?
Pam: Oh, I still think he has something to offer.
Chow: I hate to let it all go to waste like this. Seems a shame we have to wait for Eric.
Pam: Maybe one day you'll be sheriff and you can make the rules.
Chow: I doubt that.
Pam: Me too.

Bill: Sookie hates feeling like she doesn't have her independence.

Sam: [walking into Sookie's room] She's asking for you.
Bill: There something you want to say to me?
Sam: I want you to stay away from her.
Bill: You know Sookie doesn't take kindly to people making decisions for her.
Sam: You don't need to tell me who Sookie is. I know who she is. I've known a long time.
Bill: Well, then you'll also know that this is neither the time nor the place for you to... mark your territory.

Sam: [recognizing her] What the hell are you doing here?
Maryann: [almost laughing] Did you think I wasn't gonna find you? You silly, silly dog.

Sookie: [after his flashback] You and Godric were in the SS?
Eric: We posed as what would ever help us in our search.
Sookie: But your were hunting Nazi werewolves?
Eric: The symbol is runic. This pack dates back a lot further than the Nazi party.
Sookie: So they're not Nazis?
Eric: Oh, they're much more than that. These are not ordinary werewolves. They're organized, well funded and highly trained. They're fuelled by vampire blood.
Sookie: Why didn't you tell me this last night?
Eric: Bigger question is, why am I risking everything to tell you now? My loyalty is not to Bill. In fact it would be advantageous for me in numerous ways if he were never found. But...
Sookie: But?
Eric: Now they're coming for you and... I owe you.
Sookie: And you said you were risking everything to tell me. What does that mean?
Eric: The goal tonight was to keep you out of danger, not put you in more of it.
[gets up and walks to the door]
Sookie: Eric, you can't just say something like that, then-then leave.
Eric: Oh, I'm not leaving. You're going to invite me in, so I can protect you or have passionate primal sex with you... how about both?
Sookie: You're not going to distract me by talking nasty.
Eric: I already have. So... are you going to invite me in?
Sookie: I'm still Bill's.
Eric: [looking down at the ring] So you are.

Eggs: [to Tara] I got something to say and I want you to hear me out.

Talbot: [to Russell, in a heated argument] You can't buy your way out of everything!
Russell: Of course I can. This is America!

Terry: [to Sookie] I've always liked you and I'd miss you if you got killed.

Royce: [after a guy is dragged up stairs] Where are they taking that guy?
Lafayette: I don't know. But sometimes there's screams.

Gabe: [to the recruits, working scaling the chain-link] How are we gonna work on defensive tactics, if we can't even climb a fence?

Maryann: Ms. Thorton, Maryann Forrester, I've heard all about you, what a rare opportunity this is. I've always wondered what it would be like to gaze into the eyes of someone so devoid of human compassion. That you would abandon your own child when she needed you the most.
Lettie: What?
Maryann: Hmm, just as I thought, emptiness, nothing inside. It's always something out there that gets the blame or credit, whether it be Jesus or gin.
Lettie: Who are you?
Maryann: What I can't believe is that your daughter still manages to feel any love for you. Since you've abused, betrayed and forsaken her love since the moment she could feel. That's extraordinary. She's a hell of a girl

Magister: Bring me your murderer.

Debbie: [to Sookie with Bill wrapped in the tarp] You shouldn't have. Vampire burrito for me?

Tara: I can't believe I spent four hundred dollars to watch you drown a damn possum!

Malcolm: [girlishly] You never called me back. Now, if I remembered what feelings were, mine might be hurt.
Diane: [circling Bill] Join our nest, Bill. Forget these blood sacks.
Liam: Yeah. Mainstreaming's for pussies.
Diane: Let's party like we use to, huh? We used to have so much fun.
Bill: [never taking his eyes of Sookie] All right. Let's go.
Sookie: What the hell are you doing?
Bill: I should be with my own.
Sookie: But you're not like them. You're better than they'll ever be.
Bill: I am not human, Sookie. I am vampire.
[leaves with Malcolm and his gang]

Hoyt: I don't care what nobody says if I met a nice vampire girl, I'd be proud to have her on my arm.
Sookie: I'd love to see your mama's face if you brought her for dinner.
Hoyt: Yeah, me too.
[Thinks]
Hoyt: You know, yeah, I mean... well, does Bill know anybody my age?
[Sookie laughs]
Hoyt: Seriously.

Sam: How you doing, Sookie?
Sookie: [annoyed] I've had better nights.
Sam: Yeah? Anything I can do to improve this one for you?

Terry: [tranced, about to fire the gun] They call this move, stress inoculation!

Terry: [hugging Bill, near tears] They don't understand man. None of 'em will ever understand. You stay sharp, brother.

Sookie: So the Newlins knew who we were the minute we walked in. Same way they knew to come after me at the airport. Someone at that nest is a trader.
Hugo: You think a vampire sided with the Fellowship to get Godric outta the way?
Sookie: Stan? Because he wants to be sheriff? I've heard of ambitious, but that's just plain crazy.
Hugo: Well, you've met him. He would rip our throats out for lookin' at him side ways.
Sookie: If it's true, they'll have to do a lot worse to him when they find out.

Sookie: [while driving to Fangtasia] Penny for your thoughts?
Bill: I thought you liked not knowing what I'm thinking.
Sookie: Most of the time I do.
Bill: You won't care for it.
Sookie: That doesn't mean I don't wanna know.
Bill: [looking at her clothes than back to the road] You look like vampire bait.
Sookie: [laughing] What's that supposed to mean?
Bill: I promised your grandmother no harm would come to you at Fangtasia tonight. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to keep that promise with you dressed like this.
Sookie: So are you sayin' you think I look nice?
Bill: Doesn't matter what I think. This isn't a date. Remember?

Jesus: [to Ruby Jean] You almost done in there? it's time for us to go home.
Ruby: [Ruby Jean walks in all made up] You have got an excellent selection a cosmetics, I give you that.
[to Jesus]
Ruby: I'm ready for you now. Ain't nothin gonna hurt me when I got on my warpaint.
[to Lafayette]
Ruby: Somethin' different about you.
Lafayette: I don't think so.
Ruby: Y'ain't got your mask on.
Lafayette: That's 'cause you've been in there hogging all my stuff.
Ruby: I can see you. My son is shining through.
[about Jesus]
Ruby: Did he do this to you?
Lafayette: No. Yeah. I guess you could say that.
Ruby: I'll be damned. Maybe God LOVES fags!
Jesus: That sounds like a compliment. Ruby, we gotta go. Come on. You need to bless the jello so everyone can eat. Come on!
Lafayette: All right now, you go 'head. Without my ring, thank you.
Ruby: Come see me, LaLa.
Lafayette: All right, Miss Lady, eat your vegetables.
Jesus: So I'll see you?
Lafayette: I'll see you.

Rev. Steve Newlin: [to Sookie] The war has begun, you evil whore of Satan.

Arlene: Suppose she gets pregnant. How in the world can she nurse a baby with fangs?

Andy: I got ulcers so big, coffee's coming out of my bellybutton.
Jason: Oh. Is that even possible?

[last lines]
Bill: [to the wolves surrounding him] I should warn you... I have fed.

Jason: There's also hookers that specialize in vampires. They drink Tru Blood to keep their supply up, and they keep a bodyguard there in case the vamp gets a little too frisky.
[Sookie and Adele stare at Jason, wondering how he knows so much about hookers]
Jason: I read that in a magazine.

Eric: Why should I help you... shifter?
Sam: Because I need 'your' help. We need it and hopefully some day I might be able to give you something you need.
Eric: Can you give me Sookie Stackhouse?
Sam: No.
Eric: Well that's a shame. That would be a tribute I would not soon forget.
Sam: [irate] I'm not here to give you tribute, Eric.
Eric: No, you're here to request my help based on a hypothetical future in which you return the favor... But you are known not to be to friendly towards those like me. Why should I trust you?
Sam: Because until somebody starts trusting somebody, we're all single targets just right for the picking.

Jason: Look, Gran, I am the man in this family.
Adele: You are a man in this family, but I am the oldest person here and this is my house. You better respect me boy.
Bill: Actually, I'm the oldest person here.

Terry: I'd ask you to dance, but I don't dance.
Sookie: Thanks anyhow, Terry. Sometimes crowds make me feel guilty for not having fun like everyone else. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Terry: Guilt is a useless emotion. Or so I've heard.
Sookie: I just wish Bill was here.
Terry: There some dead people I wish were still around, too.

Jason: Man, there are two kinds of people in this world: people who got no dreams, people who got dreams and don't do nothing about it, and people who go out and fulfill their dreams. I'm the third kind

Sookie: [after he told her about shape shifting] What else is there?
Sam: More than you can imagine.

Sookie: [chasing after Sam] I know it seems like I led you on, but cut me soem slack. My grandmother had just been murdered, Rene was after 'me', and I didn't think Bill was ever comin' back.
Sam: [stopping] Christ, Sookie! I really don't have time for this.
Sookie: Well, if you care about our friendship I suggest you make time for it.
Sam: Look, I got serious shit I'm dealin' with right now. Makin' you fell better is not high on my list.

Sookie: [starts to cry] Jessica... I'm sorry.
Jessica: Now, why are you crying?
Sookie: Because I did this to you. If Bill hadn't... I took your life away and I know there's no way you'll ever be able to forgive me. It's not even right to ask. But I had no idea it was gonna lead to this.
Jessica: I don't blame you, Sookie.
Sookie: How's that even possible?

Sam: I need a live animal in order to shift. You know, as a model. Kinda like an imprint.

Sookie: [after chasing off the Rattrays] Oh, bless your heart. I am so sorry I didn't get here faster. You'll be okay in a minute, right?... Do you want me to leave?
Bill: No. They might come back and I can't fight yet.
Sookie: [a dog begins to bark and runs up to Sookie, licking her face] Oh! Hey, there, dog.
Bill: He's checkin' on you.
Sookie: That's just some old dog that hangs around the bar sometimes. He must live nearby.
Bill: [still staring at her] Oh, no doubt.
Sookie: [goes to remove the plastic tubing on his arm, and he quickly pulls his arm away] I reckon you're not too happy about being rescued by a woman.
Bill: Thank you.
Sookie: [trys to read him] I can't hear you.
Bill: [louder] Thank you.
Sookie: [kneels down and holds his head between her hands] No, no, no. I can hear you, but I can't... Oh, my stars.

Sookie: [surprised as Bill wipes off the mirror] Wait a minute. I thought you were supposed to be invisible in the mirror.
Bill: We started most of the myths about ourselves many centuries ago. If humans thought that we couldn't be seen in a mirror, it was another way for us to prove that we weren't vampires. And that way, we could stay hid.
Sookie: So, what about holy water?
Bill: [splashing bath water] It's just water.
Sookie: Crucifixes?
Bill: Geometry.
Sookie: Garlic?
Bill: It's irritating, but that's pretty much it.
Sookie: [pause, smiling] Wow. I feel a little weak.
Bill: Of course you do. I fed on your blood. You should take some vitamin B-12 to replenish.
Sookie: Will I need to do that everyday?
Bill: If you don't mind, yes. And no garlic.
Sookie: Is it always like this?
Bill: No, it is not.
Sookie: I never thought I'd be able to...
Bill: I am honored that you chose me.

Jason: I'm comin' out of the darkness into the light.

Russell: My turn. What are you? You're definitely not human.
Sookie: My parents were human.
Russell: How do you know? And how do you know they were your parents, for that matter?

Lorena: [in 1935, shouting] I gave you everything! Everything and you've thrown it away, moaning over what you've lost. You disgust me.
Bill: Than let me go!
Lorena: No. I made you and you are mine!
Bill: You know I don't love you!
Lorena: You never tried.
Bill: [seething] I have spent decades tryin'! I despise myself for what I did for you! God help me. I killed innocent people to prove to that I loved you! But it was pure annilism... I do not, I cannot, I will never love you.
Lorena: Men have readily laid down their lives to spend just one night with me. What more can I give? What is it that you want from me?
Bill: Choice... Let me go.
Lorena: With out me, you would be alone forever.
Bill: You're the one who's afraid of that. You are the saddest, loneliest creature I have ever known.
Lorena: How dare you!
[throws him into the table]
Lorena: ... You hate me that much?
Bill: Let me go!
Lorena: [tearfully] I cannot live without you.
Bill: [putting the stake to his heart] You'll have to.
Lorena: No! Don't!... As your maker... I release you.

Stan: We take them all out at once. Preemptive strike.
Isabel: Of course, so the federal government can bombs us back to the Middle Ages.
Stan: Things were better then.
Isabel: Then go to Romania and live on a cave, you ranchero poser.

Jessica: [enters with Eric and Pam] Hi, daddy.
Bill: [furious] What is this?
Eric: There are favors and there are... favors.
Pam: She is extremely annoying.
Bill: You can't do this! We had a deal!
Eric: Yeah, well now the terms have changed. She's yours, unless you wanna give me Sookie?
[laughs as he draws his fangs]
Eric: It's just a suggestion. Though a few nights with this one may change your mind.
Pam: Good luck.
Eric: [in Swedish, as they leave] O du ljuva frihet.
[translation: Oh sweet freedom]
Jessica: [as Bill turns to her] So, who's good to eat around here?

Talbot: [as the King and Bill enter] You're late.
Russell: Talbot, William Compton.
Talbot: Welcome to Mississippi, Bill. Sorry I'm not dressed. We were expecting you last night.
Russell: There were complications with his escort.

Tara: I didn't just wreck my car. I totaled my whole life. All of it.
Maryann: Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. Personally I see your situation as an opportunity.

Sookie: [driving as Bill retches out the window] Bill?
Bill: [sitting back] I'm alright.
Sookie: No, you are not alright! None of this is alright. I'm callin' Eric!
[as Bill vomits again]
Bill: I will not turn to Eric!
Sookie: I've got to get you to Dr. Ludwig.
Bill: [sitting back again] Sookie, What happened back there? What did you do to her?
[Maryann]
Sookie: I don't know. I swear. It was Maryann that attacked me in the woods, even though I don't have a scar. I could feel her there on my back when she was touchin' me.
Bill: I will kill her!
Sookie: Good. How?
Bill: Tara has been under Maryann's influence. Maybe she could be of some help to us.

Talbot: [serving Bill Compton] Chilled, carbonated blood. It's cruelty-free. All willingly donated. Note the citrusy finish. This one only ate tangerines for a week.

[Jessica has fed on a human despite orders not to. Bill just chewed her out for it]
Bill: To your room, please. Tru Blood.
Jessica: [Stomps off annoyed] You are going to be *so* sorry when I get an eatin' disorder!

Jason: What's with the weight, dude? I thought all you vampires were supposed to be in shape.
Eddie: We are what we were when we were turned.

Jason: You're either on the dark side or you're on the side of the light!

Elderly: My great-grandfather was in the 28th. I wonder if you might have known him. His name was Tolliver Humphries.
Bill: Tolliver Humphries. Yes, I knew him very well. We fought together. Tolliver Humphries was my friend. He was a brave man, perhaps to a fault. I dare say it contributed to his death.
Elderly: What happened? Were you there?
Bill: I was.
[flashes back to a battle field with wounded and dying men]
Bill: We were about twenty miles north of where I stand now. The federals outnumbered us 5 to 1 and they had better fire power as well. We spent much of the afternoon recovering the bodies of those we'd lost. There was a boy in our troop, no more than 13 or 14, who lay wounded in the middle of a field under poor cover. He called to us all day. He begged us to help him. He knew he would die if we didn't. I admit I had considered shooting the boy myself just to shup him up. But Tolliver convinced me that would be an act of murder, not war. He told me God wanted him to rescue that boy. I pleaded with him not to go. To think of his own wife and children back home. But he ran into that field like it was a cool spring day. They shot him just as he reached the boy. It was obvious to us that he was beyond help.

Sam: [hauling her into his office] Sookie, you're being a very stupid girl!
Sookie: Who asked you? I-I can take care of myself.
Sam: [yelling] I don't think so! Mac could have seriously cut you up last night!
Sookie: How do you know what Mac would have done?
Sam: Now you're setting up a date with a vampire. What do you have, a death wish?
Sookie: No I don't have a death wish. I just happen to think that judging an enitre group of people based on the actions of a few individuals within that group is morally wrong!
Sam: Well, I will not let you put yourself or this bar in danger. I won't!
Sookie: A-am I fired?
Sam: No! But next time you think somebody's being harmed in the parking lot, pick up the phone and call the police. Do not go out there alone like a goddamn vigilante!

Eric: How long have you been together?
Talbot: Uh, just shy of 700 years. Although sometimes it feels like 7 million.

Jason: Honesty my ass, you white suit motherfucker!

Russell: The real question is: Can I trust you? You turned on your own queen. And now that I've freed your feisty little ward how do I know you won't sell me out as well?
Eric: Because I have been searching for you for a thousand years.
[Slightly ominous pause]
Eric: A true leader. One strong enough to unite us all. I believed my maker, Godric, was such a vampire, but he was weak. He succumbed to his humanity, and it killed him. Dispatching the Magister, that proved without a doubt that my search... It has finally ended.
Russell: That was rash and foolish.
Eric: It was brave and uncompromising. Vampires have yearned for someone to stand up, to the tyranny of the Authority for centuries. Just give me the chance. And I will show you just how deep my loyalty runs.

Eric: Why wouldn't you leave when I first came for you?
Godric: They didn't treat me badly. You'd be shocked at how ordinary most of them are.
Eric: They do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for us.
Godric: Let's be honest. We are frightening. After thousands of years we haven't evolved. We only grow more brutal, more predatory. I don't see the danger in treating humans as equals. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we never did so.
Eric: Is that why you wouldn't fight when they took you?
Godric: I could have killed every last one of them with in minutes. And what would that have proven?

Sookie: [to Tara] You're bein' a fuckin' idiot!

Eric: [after Bill has found him in his bathtub, with soft music playing] I texted you three times. Why didn't you reply?
Bill: I hate using the number keys to type. What are you listening to?
Eric: From my younger days. It's really quite beautiful if you know old Swedish. I have a favor to ask of you.
Bill: A favor or an order?
Eric: Depends on how you look at it. Honestly, did you think you could keep her to yourself?

Sam: Hey, sit back. It's ok to relax.
Sookie: I thought I was relaxed.
Sam: I don't think you know how.

Mike: Funny thing is, I've always hated blood. Yeah, I never wanted to be a coroner or a undertaker. I wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain.

Hoyt: [in his thoughts] Crying shame is what it is. This place ain't gonna be the same without Dawn. She had the prettiest nicest smile. Why was I so scared to talk to her? Now I'll never know what her voice sounded like. I bet it sounded like angels and parakeets mixed together.

Jane: I always liked you. You gave me extra pickles.

Lorena: [walking up to Sookie] Hello there. I'm Lorena.
Sookie: Nice to meet you. I'm Sookie.
Lorena: Hmmm, yes. You're what all the fuss is about.
Sookie: Excuse me?
Lorena: Aren't you a morsel.
Sookie: I'm sorry. Who are you?
Lorena: Well, we have a mutual friend.
Sookie: Bill?
Lorena: Funny, he never mentioned you. I practically made him what he is today.
Bill: [entering the room] Lorena!
Lorena: Oh, hello darling. I was just getting to know your plaything. You always did like to prey on the innocent.
Sookie: Bill, is this your maker?
Bill: She released me years ago. She no longer has any hold over me.
Lorena: Oh I wouldn't say that. We had two marvelous nights in your hotel room.
Sookie: What?
Lorena: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a fifty-two inch plasma screen television earlier tonight? Everyone always says they're so thin and light. But let me tell you when wielded properly, it's quite a weapon.
Sookie: [to Bill] You did?
Bill: Lorena, you need to leave!
Lorena: [to Sookie] I hope he doesn't pull the same shenanigans with you. There's no excuse for domestic violence.
Bill: What she has failed to mention is that she was holding me prisoner!
Lorena: [almost laughing] Cha! We were catchin' up, is all.

Detective: [inside the freezer] We are fucked!
Sam: We're still alive.
Detective: For now! What we gonna do? We gonna have to kill them all.
Sam: Well even if we could, those are our friends and neighbors.
Sam: And cousins!
Detective: Right. We can't kill 'em.

Bill: Try to behave yourself.
Eric: Don't I always?

Bill: [as Eric enters his home] I take it by your being here, there was no way around it then?
Eric: I can't really say. Didn't exactly look into it.

Sam: Maryann isn't human. She is a supernatural creature. She is immortal. She has powers and she's not leavin' till she gets what she wants, which I think is me.
Detective: What's she want you for?
Sam: I think she wants to cut out my heart while a bunch of naked people watch. All for Dionysus or Satan or some god that has horns that she wants to awaken.
Detective: People thought *I* was crazy, 'cause I thought I saw a pig!

Jason: You see that house? It's been in my family for 150 years. Now, what kind of man would stand by while his grandmother's house gets torn to the ground?
Detective: It's not my grandmother's house!
Jason: But it's in the town you swore to protect. It's times like these when this town needs a good man, Andy. And that man... is us.

Daphne: [Whispers into Sam's ear] I know what you are.

Detective: [to Bud, angry] I am not overworked!

Arlene: [about Daphne] She was clumsy, stupid and mean. But I wouldn't wish that kinda death on a possum.

Lafayette: [In Trance] The God with horns! Worship him, bitches!

Magister: You realize, of course, the Authority will never recognize-...
Russell: Its own irrelevancy? That's where you and I differ, Magister. I truly believe they will, and soon.
[Smells his blood]
Russell: Andalusia, the Iberian Peninsula. Mm. Later 9th century, no? Well, whatever. It's a long enough time for you to have outgrown your blind allegiance to the Authority and their rule of law. There is only one law: The law of nature, the survival of the fittest. And we need to take this world back from the humans, not placate them with billboards and PR campaigns while they destroy it. That is not authority. That is abdicating authority!

Tara: [pleading to Sookie] We have to go get him. Eggs needs to get out now! How many times have you put yourself in danger for the man you love? How come you get that option and I don't? I finally found a strong, beautiful man who loves me, and y'all wanna keep me from rescuing him because you're afraid I might get hurt? How hurt do you think I'm gonna be if we wait and something happens to him!

Talbot: [about Bill] He's a challenge.
Russell: I think I'm gonna have to bring in the girl.

Bill: [about Jessica] We can't turn her out. Not yet. She a very young vampire. At her age, with her impulses, she could be quite dangerous.
Sookie: Where has she been tonight?
Bill: Here with me and before that with with Eric and Pam.
Sookie: So there's no way she could have anything to do with that woman at Merlotte's with her heart missing?
Bill: No!... probably not.
Sookie: [baffled] Two weeks and you never said anything. We've laid in bed for hours talking about my life, your life, the weather, and rules of football. And not once did you mention that you slept with and killed...
Bill: I did not!
Sookie: ...a seventeen year old girl.
Bill: Sookie, for a century and a half, I never turned a human... because I couldn't bare to inflict the suffering I felt when I was turned. The pain of that is not an easy thing to share.
Sookie: If I'm with you and she's with, then she's with me. And I'm sure as heck sharing in that.
Bill: If I with held anything, it was only to protect you.
Sookie: And if she stayed with Eric, I still wouldn't know. Would I? That's not protecting me. That's lying to me. How am I supposed to ever trust you if you keep something like that from me? What else are you keeping from me?
Bill: ...Nothing.
Sookie: I can't stay... not tonight.
Bill: Sookie?
Sookie: I've shared every dark, horrible corner of my life with you. What makes you think I couldn't handle every bit of yours?

Daphne: [walking through the woods, undressing] You're carrying that secret like a two-ton sack of feed on your back and it doesn't have to be that way.
Sam: Secret? What secret?
Daphne: [going behind a tree] Fiber!
Sam: I ain't in the mood tonight, little girl... Daphne?
[picking up her clothes, seeing a fawn]
Sam: Well, hey.
Daphne: [shifting back] Hey your own self.

Franklin: [Franklin is crying after Tara tried to escape] Why? Tara? Why?
Tara: I-I was afraid.
Franklin: Of me? You were afraid of me? That's insane!
Tara: But you tied me up!
Franklin: To keep you safe. Oh my god what other reason could there be?
[Franklin begins sobbing hysterically]
Franklin: You have no idea how much you've hurt me. I feel like I've been staked.
Tara: I'm sorry Franklin. It's my fault. My head is all confused. Can you forgive me? It's not you I'm afraid of. It's this place. All the other vampires. They're the ones who scare me.
Franklin: I'll never let them touch you. It's okay. They don't exist. There's only you.

Sookie: Hugo, do me a favor. Just shut the fuck up.

Lafayette: [to Tara] What's wrong with you, Tara? Are you even in there?

Maudette: [laughing about Jason who ran out after thinking she was dead] Moron!

Isabel: [hauling Hugo in front of Godric] Here is the one who betrayed us.
Godric: Hugo... he is your human, is he not?
Isabel: Yes, he is.
Godric: Do you love him?
Isabel: [sobbing] I-I thought I did.
Godric: [looking between them] It appears you love him still.
Isabel: I do. I'm sorry. But you are my sheriff. Do with him as you please.
Godric: [to Hugo] You are free to go.
Stan: [furious] What?
Godric: The human is free to go...
[to Hugo]
Godric: And do not return. I fear it is not safe for you here.
Stan: This is a travesty!
Godric: This is my verdict.

Andy: [about their fishing] Bet you didn't do much fishin' in Iraq.
Terry: No fish in the sandbox.
Andy: No wonder they're so pissed off at us. We got channel cats and Shreveport poontang. I missed this. Gettin' up before dawn, like when we were kids, watch the sun comin' up.
[stops as they see a man running naked through the trees]
Andy: That was Sam Merlotte!
Terry: [sitting back] Yep. I done that before.

Tara: [to her mother, after being hit with a bottle] Alright. You may have carried me and nursed me, but obviously you are now set on killing me. And if I'm forced to choose between you and me, guess what? You lose!

Lafayette: [while shaking the senator's hand] I'm so happy and proud to shake the hand of someone with your values. Too often we're governed by criminals and hypocrites. Don't you agree? But I can tell you're a man of virtues and I applaud the effort you're making against the poor and disenfranchised, especially the vampires and the gays.
Duke: Thank you. Next.
Lafayette: So many things can happen to bring down a fine personage such as yourself. You might wanna be careful, you hear?

Sam: [to Tara] Well, I hate to break it to you but you're not even the most fucked up person in this house much less this town.

Tara: [to Eggs] You are a lucky man and since the bartender likes you, the drinks are on the house.

Terry: [as Sam comes thru the kitchen and into the freezer] I thought you were leaving.
Sam: I haven't left yet.
Terry: Does that mean you're not leaving?
Sam: Nope, it means I haven't left yet.
Terry: So you are leavin'?
Sam: [walking out] Haven't left yet.
Terry: [under his breath] Dumbass.

Lafayette: You a dizzy motherfucker. I said one drop, two max, and you took the whole thing.

Stan: You should have told me Eric hired a fuckin' human, Isabel.
Sookie: Now wait just a minute.
Bill: [about Sookie] Respect her!
Isabel: [to Stan] I couldn't tell you, Stan. You've been off on your own for days.
Eric: Are you certain Godric was abducted by the Fellowship of the Sun?
Isabel: No!
Stan: Yes! They're the only ones with the organization and man-power.
Isabel: But they're amateurs. It doesn't make any sense. This is Godric we're talking about. Two thousand years old.
Stan: Old don't make you smart.
Isabel: Besides there's not proof.
Sookie: If they've got him, I'll hear it. That's my job.
Stan: There's not reason to wait. We need to take these fanatics down. Full out attack. Exterminate them like the vermin they are.
Isabel: [angrily sarcastic] Hmm, vampire hating church annihilated. Wonder who did it? Fucking brilliant!
Bill: I doubt the king of Texas would approve of the destruction of our international political agenda.
Stan: Fuck that. The great revelation is the biggest mistake we ever made.
Isabel: Don't use Godric to make your own little power play.
Stan: You're completely incompetent!
Eric: [almost yelling] What's happened to Godric that he surrounds himself with clowns?
Isabel: We invited you as a courtesy. This is not you territory. You have no voice here.
Stan: Yeah, sheriff. Why don't you run back on down to Louisiana. We don't need you or your puppets.
Eric: I'm not going anywhere.
Sookie: I'm nobody's puppet!
Stan: I have a plan.
Isabel: It's not a plan. It's a movie!

Jason: Well, thanks for making me look like a fool in front of him, Gran.
Adele: [smiling] Jason, you don't need any help lookin' like a fool.

Bill: I am not the vampire you are looking for. I am not privied to the queen's secrets. Nor do I have any interest being your sheriff. I'm sorry to waist your time.
[rises to leave]
Russell: [musing] Poor Sookie. Such a shame she has to pay the price for your stubbornness.
Bill: [drawing his fangs] You leave Sookie out of this!
Russell: You are in my house, Mr. Compton. Put your fangs away!

Sookie: [to Eric] So if I agree to go to Dallas to help look for this missing vampire, you'll let Lafayette go?
Bill: No! You nearly died last night. You are not going to Dallas.
Bill: Bill, I can make up my own mind.
Eric: I will pay all of your expenses, of course. And yes, I will release your friend.
Sookie: And I want $5,000.
[to Bill]
Sookie: I've missed a lot of work and I need a new driveway.
Eric: [to Bill] Your human is getting cocky.

Ginger: [pointing a gun at him] Who the fuck are you?
Lafayette: It's day time! Thank you Jesus! Thank you god! You're human, right?
Ginger: Kinda! But I ain't lettin' you go, if that's what you're thinking!

Chow: What's your game?
Bill: Excuse me?
Chow: You were playing Wii. What's your game?
Bill: Golf.
Chow: What's your best score on Pebble Beach?
Bill: Seven under.
Chow: Mine's eleven under.
Bill: [deadpan, to Eric] I liked Long Shadow better.

Hoyt: [after Jessica's fangs come out] You don't have to hide that from me, that's natural.
Jessica: How can you say that? I mean, I have fangs, and they just come out and I can't control them. This is so embarrassing. I'd die if I wasn't already dead.

Jason: [near tears; to the police] Look, I don't wanna hurt nobody else... Lock me up.

Bill: If Sookie is hurt in any way because of you, I will not stop until I drive a stake through whatever semblance of a heart you have left.
Lorena: It's true. You're in love with a human. That's so tragic, it's funny.
[starts laughing]

Bill: What are you doin'?
Sookie: I sucked silver out of Eric's chest and saved his life even though I *really* didn't want to.
Eric: She was superb.
Bill: ...Eric was in no danger.
Sookie: He... what?
Eric: A tiny falsehood.
Bill: He was already healing, the bullets would have pushed themselves out. This way he's forced you to drink his blood.
Sookie: [shouts] No... No! No!
Bill: You're connected. He'll be able to sense your emotions.
Sookie: [shouts at Eric] you big lying A-hole!
Eric: Bill, you're right, I believe I can sense her emotions.

Crystal: I don't think you are a cop.
Jason: Are you resisting me? Because if you are please observe the official police vehicle where I came out of.
Crystal: Where's your badge? Where's your gun? Where's your shirt?

Sarah: We have to go tell Steve.
Jason: What?
Sarah: Vow of honesty, Jason. Just 'cause I broke my vows to my husband doesn't mean I'm ready to throw all my beliefs out the window.
Jason: Hold on a sec. We just can't walk in there and tell him.
Sarah: No, we have to. Somehow, someday, God will forgive us. It's the only way we can have a future together.
Jason: Let's just think about this for a second. A: Steve has guns. Then there's the lockdown tomorrow night. And secondly, we're gonna be locked in this church with Steve and his guns all night.

Jason: You think Sam could turn into a chicken and lay his own egg? Wouldn't that be weird, eating something just came out of you?
Andy: What kind of a perverted brain would even think of something like that?

Jesus: Eleggua and Chango. These guys are pretty fucking hard-core, dude. What do you offer them?
Lafayette: Huh?
Jesus: Lafayette, man, these guys, they have to be appeased, bro, or else they will fuck you up. Seriously, I sing for Eleggua. I put out shots of tequila for Chango.
Lafayette: He drink 'em?
Jesus: No, smart-ass. He blesses 'em, and then I drink them.
Lafayette: Well, maybe I should put out a couple of shots for him right now.

Eric: [about the werewolves as she opens the door] They came for you.
Sookie: Just one this morning. He took off before I could get anything out of him. That why you're here? Or do you know something about Bill?

Lafayette: With a momma like you it's a miracle she ain't tried this years ago!
Lettie: Where are you takin' her?
Lafayette: Hospital!
Tara: [crying] No, no!
Lettie: I'm goin' with you.
Lafayette: You failed this girl for the last time.

Eggs: [trying to fix the water heater] Shoot!
Tara: [with the phone] Want me to take a look and you can hold the line?
Eggs: [straightening] See, that was some spiteful shit what you just said righ there. I got this, ok? I'm the man of the house. No offense, Karl.

Jason: It's like if a tree falls in the woods, it's still a tree, ain't it?

Debbie: He killed my Cooter!

Lafayette: Hey, hooker. How you doin'? What are you doin' here?
Tara: I work here.
Lafayette: [not believing] Oh no, the hell you don't.
Tara: Oh yes the hell I do too, you ugly bitch! You need to make peace with that.
Lafayette: Shit. Sam must've lost his damned mind 'cause you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually gotta interact with people.

Sookie: [to Bill] You left me alone with no promise to come back!

Lettie: [to Tara] You can't come home. I'm not gonna let you.

Jessica: [about the symbol] It says something about Operation Werewolf.
Sookie: Werewolf...?

Lafayette: Why do you want to give me your blood?
Eric: I like you.
Lafayette: Bullshit. You want to be able to keep track of me. Why?
Eric: You obviously mean something to Sookie. And what Sookie finds meaningful, I find curious. You really have no choice, Lafayette. You know it.

Janice: [after Sookie opens the door] You're Sookie Stackhouse? Thank you, Jesus. I mean I settled for a two-bit hooker to get my brother's mind off that bitch, Debbie Pelt. But you are cute and sweet. You're just what he needs.

Sookie: [seeing Bill for the first time] I've been waiting for this to happen ever since they came out of the coffin 2 years ago.

Jason: [as they clean up Merlotte's] Seriously, you can become any animal, any time?
Sam: Yes as long as I imprint on them.
Jason: That is fuckin' cool man.
Detective: Yeah well as cool as that may be, we still got a maenad we gotta deal with before it takes our whole town out.
Sam: Listen, you can't deal with it. Alright? Your best bet's to leave while you still can.
Jason: Shouldn't was at least get the law involved?
Detective: [offended] I am involved!
Jason: There's Sheriff Dearborne, Kenya, the other guy... the squirrely one.
Detective: Sheriff's station was wide open and empty. It ain't gonna help.
Jason: Then "we" are the law. Guys, I read a book about this. This is armageddon. This is the oral history of the zombie war... we need weapons. Lots of them.
Sam: Listen, I hate to break it to you but guns aren't going to do jack-shit to Maryann and you can't shoot anybody else. These are our friends. This is our town.
Jason: Sometimes you need to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible or the Constitution.

Maryann: [to young Sam, about the statue] If you had broken it, I'd be really angry.

Magister: [entering the Fantasia with the Queen] Mr. Northman. I haven't seen you since the Bill Compton trial.
Eric: Yes, it's been uh too long. May I ask what brings you to Fantasia?
Queen: We need to talk. You should probably close up.
Eric: You can just use my office.
Queen: It's bugged.
Eric: How do you know this?
Queen: Because I'm the one who bugged it... It's how I know I can trust you.

Sookie: That's GRAN'S pie!

Tara: The first time I'm in trouble, you turn your back on the one person who's always stood by you.

Arlene: [Sarcastically imitating Peach] And I want a freshly cut lemon in my ice tea, not some dried up thing that's been sitting around all day.
[Her knife slips, and she cuts her finger]
Arlene: Dagnabbit, look what I just did!
[Holds up finger with blood to Jessica]
Arlene: . Oh, I got lemon juice on it too.
[Jessica's fangs appear - Arelene squeals, holds up her forefingers to show a cross to Jessica]
Arlene: .
Jessica: No, sorry, Arlene, sometimes it just happens.
Arlene: Please don't kill me, I'm pregnant. That probably just makes you want to eat me even more.
[Walks out of the bar area with her finger-cross facing Jessica]
Arlene: This is why people hate y'all.
Jessica: Well, I just haven eaten in days.

Lafayette: [swings a bat as Tara throws stuff at him] Bring it on, hooker. I was all-parish in high school.

Andy: [about vampires] They sleep, just not at night.

Claudine: You killed Sookie.
Bill: I haven't.
Claudine: You've taken her blood. I can see it in you.
Bill: I love her.
Claudine: You think you do. You only want her light.
Bill: No. She's safe. She's alive. I swear to you, I would never harm her.
Claudine: Leave her alone, vampire. We will protect her.
Bill: How have you ever protected her?
Claudine: We have. Believe me.
Bill: Who is we?
Claudine: Now, why would I tell you that?
Bill: Sookie needs to know what she is, so that she can protect herself. Please. What in God's name are you?

Bill: [to Jessica] You drank from me. Your blood was replaced with mine. And then I shared my essence with you when we slept together in the ground.

Maryann: [to Tara] Maybe life has just cleared out all the things that weren't working for you. Now you've got room to rebuild. Decide exactly what you want your life to look like and make that happen.

Bill: [to Sookie as she helps Eric] What are you doing?
Sookie: [spitting out a bullet] I sucked silver out of Eric's chest to save his life, even though I really didn't want to.
Eric: ...She was superb.
Bill: Eric was in no danger.
Sookie: W-what?
Eric: A tiny falsehood.
Bill: He was already healing. The bullets would've pushed themselves out. This way he's... forced you to drink his blood.
Sookie: No! No! No!
[getting to her feet]
Bill: You're connected. He'll be able to sense your emotions.
Sookie: [to Eric] You big lying a-hole.
Eric: Bill, I think you're right. I think I can sense her emotions... sweet.
Sookie: [to Eric] I'll never do anything for you again! Monster!
Bill: [to Sookie] It's not your fault.
Eric: I think I'm gonna cry.

Tommy: I'd give anything to be adopted, grow up with rich, normal parents instead of these freaks.
Sam: Would you, now?
Tommy: Yeah.
Sam: Well, they weren't rich, and they weren't so normal either. When they saw what I was, they walked out on me.
Tommy: I'm supposed to feel sorry for you now? At least you had 15 good years.
Sam: Did you know you were gonna shift? Did they tell you what to expect? Yeah. Would've much rather had that than what I got.
Tommy: Oh, you've known them a couple hours, and all they did was coo on you and cry. You got no idea what you're talking about.
Sam: Well, I didn't realize this was a "whose life is more fucked?" contest. If it means that much to you, you win.

Sav: You are a very rude young woman!
Tara: Oh, this ain't rude. This is uppity!

Pam: I should have told you that lavender is my favorite color.
Sookie: Pam, I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness.

Pam: [answering the phone] Fantasia. This better be good.
Jessica: [into the phone] Oh hi, Pam. It's Jessica Hamby. We talked yesterday. I'm the one...
Pam: [cutting in] I remember you perfectly. What is it?
Jessica: I really, desperately need your help. I don't where Bill is and gosh, you're like the only other vampire I know.
Pam: Spit it out, cupcake. I'm in the middle of something.
Jessica: [stammering] Right, um... remember how I was asking how you would, you know... what you would do if you... if you like kill somebody by accident.
Pam: Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and buy a hypothetical chainsaw?
Jessica: Yes and that's just the problem. I went to get the chainsaw and now he's gone!
Pam: What?
Jessica: I left for like 15 minutes and he just disappeared.
Pam: So the problem you have is that there is no dead body in your house?
Jessica: Uh... yeah.
Pam: Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Gotta run.
[Pam hangs up and turns to a semi-nude Yvetta sitting on her desk]
Pam: Babies, they're all the same. Now, where were we? Oh, right. Just lie back sweetheart, and think of Estonia.

Sookie: Can you turn into a bat?
Bill: No. There are those who can change form, but I'm not one of them.
Sookie: Can you levitate?
Bill: No.
Sookie: Turn invisible?
Bill: Sorry.
Sookie: Well Bill, you don't seem like a very good vampire. What can you do?
Bill: I can bring you back to life.

Sam: I got no idea how we're gonna deal with a god-damned maenad.
Detective: A mae-what?
Sam: Wait. You don't remember any of what I told you last night? Or were you passed out, spent the whole fuckin' day in bed, sleepin' off your bender?
Detective: You said uh... Maryann was to blame for all this, the black bug eyes and the craziness.
Sam: And the people showin' up dead with their hearts cut out, in the back seat of your car.
Detective: She did that?
Sam: Yeah. She killed Daphne too.
Detective: Fuck me... We got another serial killer.
Sam: Andy, listen to me. I don't know how to stop her. Maryann isn't human. She is a maenad. She is a supernatural creature and she is immortal. She has powers and she's not leavin' till she gets what she wants, which I think is me.
Detective: What's she want you for?
Sam: I think she wants to cut out my heart while a bunch of naked people watch. All for Dionysus or Satan or some god that has horns that she wants to awaken.
Detective: [indignant] People thought I was crazy because I thought I saw a pig!
Sam: Well you did see a pig and you were right. That pig is a part of all this. That pig was... was doin' some of Maryann's dirty work for her.
Detective: Well if what you say is true, we need to kill that bitch!
Sam: She don't die. Remember?

Pam: [looking at Eric's hair] This is a disaster. We'll have to go much shorter than I planned.
Eric: Well I said I was sorry, Pam. He took silver to me.
[to Lafayette]
Eric: You were there, you saw it. Defend me.
Lafayette: I don't know what it is you want to know, but point me in the direction and I gives to you.
Eric: I've seen your website, it's quite, umm... low rent. But your clients miss you, Lafayette, they're wondering if you're ever coming back.
Lafayette: [nervous] Am I?

Eric: [to Pam, after her search] Pam... those were great pumps.

Terry: I've known killers and Jason ain't one.
Sookie: Thank you, Terry.
Terry: Nobody ever listens to me, but they should.

Arlene: Y'all are trespassin'. You're gonna have to pay a fine.
Terry: Yeah. Or go to the brig.
Arlene: The fine is a hundred million dollars... and your pants.

Lorena: [crying] I don't know how it got this way. I can't help that I still love you. You know I do. But now it has become a constant humiliation.
Bill: The pain you suffer you have inflicted upon yourself.
Lorena: When will we see each other again?
Bill: Never.
Lorena: We're immortal. Our paths are bound to cross eventually.

Amy: We honor Gaea, and seek the deepest relationship to her.
Jason: Uh, yeah. Me too. And Pluto can start bein' a planet again, connected to stuff.

Young: What are you?
Maryann: Baby boy. You're not the only who's special in the world.

Lafayette: [about using v-juice] You take this in, and you take in a piece of the vampire it came from.

Sookie: Why am I the only person in this world that doesn't think that vampires are monsters?

Bill: [watching Sophie-Anne feed on her female slave Hadley's thighs] Uh... is this a bad time?
Sophie: [straightening] Bad time? There's no such thing as bad or time for that matter. Wanna join me?

Eggs: Don't fight it. Just let it take you.
Sookie: I've spent enough time being taken recently.
Maryann: You haven't been taken. Just borrowed.
[Looks to Tara, Arlene and Bodehouse]
Maryann: To go along with old, new and blue over here.
Arlene: Which one am I?

Lafayette: Well, hello hotness.

Pam: [looking on as Sookie and Bill kiss] If I had any feelings, I'd have the chills right about now.
Eric: Not me.

Jason: Why ain't you never liked me, Andy? Was it because of how much pussy I get?
Detective: No.
Jason: 'Cause I ain't never taken any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.
Detective: It ain't about pussy! I just think you've had everything to easy.
Jason: What have I ever had that was easy?
Detective: You were all-state quarter back.
Jason: You think that was easy? I'm startin' to have knee issues and I ain't even thirty yet. What else?
Detective: Well yeah, women do just throw themselves at you. You don't even have to do anything.
Jason: Yeah well, actually I do. I work out like a mother-fucker and I watch a lotta porn to learn stuff. What else?... My best friend killed my grandma and my girlfriend. I come from no money. My momma and daddy died when I was eleven.
Detective: So did mine!
Jason: Your daddy died in Vietnam, but your momma ran off with some yankee race car driver. You may hate me, Andy Bellefleur. You may think you're better than me and maybe you are. But you and me are the ones who have received the callin' to save this town! So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.
Detective: [understanding] It's all up to us, aint' it?
Jason: It is and we can't fuck it up.
Detective: [certain] We won't fuck it up.
Jason: This town might be full of crazy rednecks and dumb-asses, but they're still Americans.
Detective: That used to mean something.
Jason: It still does!

Hoyt: [after Bill catches Hoyt and Jessica in bed] I don't know what you heard but those were screams of pleasure!
[turns to Jessica]
Hoyt: Right?

Sookie: [inside Fangtasia] This feels a little bit like what a vampire bar would look like if it were a ride at Disney World.
Bill: Well, don't get too comfortable. It tends to get more authentic as the night wears on.

Queen: Isn't moral anarchy kind of the point? I can't think of anything more depressing that living by the law forever.
Eric: Your Highness, forgive me but I don't feel the same sense of relief you do.
Queen: You don't think he believed us.
Eric: Not entirely. No.
Queen: Than I suggest you sell everything you have as soon as possible.

Colonel: Edgington is ancient. He's had a pack of Weres serving him for centuries all over the world. Now he's on our doorstep. We gonna be smart. Let him do what he wants to do until he goes away.
Alcide: If he's part of our history, you should have told us about him.
Colonel: I am saving us from *extinction*.
Alcide: I'd rather be extinct than slave to a dead man.

Eric: [sensing Lorena walking in behind him] I was beginning to think you weren't going to accept my invitation, Lorena.
Lorena: For a vampire, you're a terrible liar.

Rev. Steve Newlin: We are forming an elite spiritual army.

Daphne: [hearing people near by, to Sam] Oh crap. Hand me my drawers.

Sam: [to Melinda and Joe Lee] Until I met you, I thought the Merlottes were the worst people I'd ever met. The two of you Mickens make them look like a couple of Dalai Lamas.

Tara: Eggs?
Eggs: [tranced out] Baby, where you been? I-I was so scred. Don't ever leave me again.
Tara: I won't, I promise. I love you. we gotta get you outta her, okay. Let's go some where else, please.
[when he doesn't move]
Tara: Listen to me.
Maryann: [from behind her] But everything you want is right here. I knew you'd come.
Tara: No. I don't know what you are, but I want out!
Maryann: Oh, it's too late for that.
Tara: You made me eat somebody's heart!
Maryann: And you loved it. Admit it.
Tara: You don't want us. You want Sam. we ain't got nothin' to do with it.
Maryann: Nothing to do with it? 'You' summoned 'me'.
Tara: [confusingly shocked] What?
Maryann: That night in the woods with that unfortunate pharmacist. You saw me. Well you saw 'you' through me.
[flashs back to the fake exorcism]
Tara: But Miss Jeanette was a fake. She scammed people by makin' up crazy rutals.
Maryann: A ritual is a powerful thing and calling forth that kind of energy... that's god's ritual.
Tara: She was real?
Maryann: Sadly no. I should've known she wasn't the vessel, but you have to try every option.

Sookie: [crying about Bill] He risked everything for me. This is way bigger than him breaking up with me.
Alcide: How many relationships you been in?
Sookie: What does that matter?
Alcide: All I'm sayin' is there's no nice way of getting outta these things.

Bill: Aren't you afraid to be out here alone with a hungry vampire?
Sookie: No.
Bill: Vampires often turn on those who trust them, you know. We don't have human values like you.
Sookie: A lot of humans turn on those who trust them, too.
[wraps silver chain around her neck]
Sookie: I'm not a total fool.
Bill: Oh, but you have other very juicy arteries. There is one in the groin that's a particular favorite of mine.
Sookie: Hey, you just shut your nasty mouth, mister! You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am!

Tara: My life sucks.
Sookie: Tara, don't you be fellin' sorry for yourself. That's just lazy.
Tara: But why can't I keep a job?
Sookie: Maybe because you can't keep your mouth shut.
Tara: Bitch, who asked you!
[winks]

Nan: This is a disaster.

Tara: Why didn't you tell me you were going out with Sam?
Sookie: Because it just happened and how did you know?
Tara: Arlene. She works fast.
Sookie: Alls he did was ask me to the DGD tonight. It's in a church, for crying out loud. And why shouldn't I? He's perfectly nice, and he's got a good job, and he's not a vampire! And-and why-why , why do I have to justify this to you?
Tara: Well, I'm entitled to know what my girl's up to, ain't I?

Amy: Balance. Harmony. Beauty.

Eric: So, what's it gonna be Lafayette? Would you like your leg to kill you? Or would you prefer us to do that?
Lafayette: I'm gonna go with plan C.
Eric: There's a plan C?
Lafayette: Make me a vampire.
Eric: I beg your pardon.
Lafayette: And you can put me to work in the bar. I'm a good dancer, you've seen it on my site. Shit, I'd get up there and move earth and heaven Go-Go style.
Eric: You are aware that there's a gaping whole in your leg. You're damaged goods.
Lafayette: Not if you turn me. I'd be as good as heaven. Look... I... I'm already a person of poor moral character... so I hit the ground running.

Tara: I'm so sorry for bringin' all this craziness into your house. I got cuked in 'cause she made me feel like I was part of a family or something.
Sookie: Hey, you have a family. We're family.

Maryann: [catching Bill and Sookie] What are you doing in my house?
Sookie: This is 'not' your house!
Maryann: [wickedly] It is now.
Bill: [to Maryann] I strongly suggest you remove yourself immediately!
Maryann: [about Bill] My, you found yourself quite a specimen. Though I dare say there's nothing stopping him from one day leaving you cold.
Sookie: You don't scare me.

Tara: The only man I ever loved was just zipped up in a bag.

Sookie: So I guess you've killed a lot of people.
Bill: I killed a few by accident at first. I was never sure when I was going to get my next feed. But it's all different now. There's Tru Blood, I can get donor blood from a clinic in Monroe, or I can glamour someone into letting me feed on them for love, and then they'll forget all about it.
Sookie: Did you feed on the Rattrays?
Bill: Yes, after I'd given you my blood while you were healing. You drank a lot of my blood.
Sookie: What will that do to me?
Bill: Well, you'll have keener senses.
Sookie: What else?
Bill: [pauses] Your libido will be more active.
Sookie: [blushes] Is-Is that it?
Bill: I'll always be able to feel you. I'll be able to find you fast. If you're ever in trouble, that could come in quite handy.

Pam: You're a maker, you're a hero.
Bill: I find myself doubting whether you were ever truly human.
Pam: Thank you.

Terry: I'm moving in with Arlene Fowler.
Sam: Ha. Congratulations. You're cracking my ribs, buddy. Hey, hey. Hey, now, it's gonna be okay. I mean, sure, it's scary. She's a little crazy, but so are... Is everybody, you know? Don't worry.
Terry: I ain't worried. I've never been so not worried. This is what normal people do, Sam. They fall in love. They make each other laugh. And they move in together. They raise kids. They fight over money. They get old and fat together, and it's normal. And it's happening to me. I can't believe it.
Sam: Well, I can. Nobody deserves it more.
Arlene: [Comes out] Baby? I don't feel too good today, okay? I ain't cleaned nothing, I ain't cleared nothing out.
[Leaves]
Terry: I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Rene: [shouting] Get back here you fucking bitch!

Russell: [to Eric about Fangtaisa] Love the place, love the vibe. We must talk franchising later.

Coby: Mamma, when you were away for all that time, you didn't see Rene?
Arlene: Oh no. I think he's still on his vacation. Eat, eat.
[walking away]
Lisa: [to Coby] Yep. I'm pretty sure he's dead.

Tara: [seeing her neck] Oh, my god! Are those fang marks?
Sookie: So what? It means someone cared for me when everyone else left me high and dry!

Lorena: [to Bill] This human act you do for your girlfriend is charmin' and all. But we both know better.

Sheriff: Okay, you're done for the night.
Detective: I know what I'm doing. I got it under control.
Sheriff: You're material witness to a homicide and at worse, you could be a suspect.

Rene: [watching Hoyt pick up a girl] It's like watching Animal Planet, yeah? Any second she's gonna bite his head off.

Sookie: If you kill him, I will kill you!
Lorena: Oh please, please try - without that sanctimonious little prick Godric to save you, I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.

Sookie: Where were you tonight around 11 o'clock?
Eric: Here, with Yvetta.
Sookie: Doing this?... For the last six hours?
Eric: You seem surprised. Is Bill's stamina not up to snuff?

Lafayette: See, that just ain't mother-fuckin' fair.
Eggs: Excuse me?
Lafayette: First time in my god-damned life, I ain't chasin' after trouble and it just keeps walkin' through my front door. Loot at you. Damn! Ain't nothin' good can come outta somethin' so pretty.
Eggs: You must be Lafayette.
Lafayette: Uh huh.
Eggs: I'm Eggs.
Lafayette: Tara's Eggs?
Tara: [walking up] You know that just don't sound right. Your name's Benedict. Why don't people call you Ben?
Lafayette: Or "Dict".
Tara: Behave.

Tara: [crying, about the body] Please tell me it's not Lafayette. Please.

Lafayette: [looking at all of the food brought by the town] What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.
Tara: [annoyed] What the hell we gonna do with all this?
Lafayette: Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cooking.
Tara: Bad juju?
Lafayette: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it.
[picks up the cornbread]
Lafayette: Smell this. You can smell the-the fear and nastiness comin' off that cornbread.
Tara: [takes a bit] Tastes just fine to me.
Lafayette: See bitch. You gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch.

Pam: [to an hysterical Ginger] Ginger, enough!
Eric: Thank you.

Bill: Sookie. It is not your blood that I love. I love *you*. Your mind; your heart; your soul. And I will forswear ever feeding on you again if that's what it takes to convince you of that. You have brought light back into my life; and hope; and gratitude. That is why I love you. Nothing else.

Tara: [to Jason, who is still intoxicated] Oh my god! You are still high. I'm gonna kill Lafayette!

Jason: [to Amy] Jesus Christ! I want to lick your mind.

Sookie: [In reference to Godric] He's your maker, isn't he?
Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.
Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.
Eric: Don't use words I don't understand.

Bill: Long Shadow was choking the girl and would have killed her.
Magister: So you murdered a higher life form for the sake of your pet! You broke an acient and fundimental law. You decreased our numbers at a critical time in our history. Very bad. Very, very bad.
Bill: Magister, Long Shadow broke the law first. She was mine and he knew it. He would have killed her and fed from her!
Magister: [displeased] Hello! Human! Irrelevant. Happens every day!
Bill: He was stealing from Eric.
Magister: Sheriff?
Eric: Yes, Magister. It's true. Long Shadow was a thief and a liar. He was hurting my business.
Magister: [considering] The business part, that is a serious offense.
Bill: And it was the human who exposed Long Shadow. Would you tell him, Eric?
Eric: The only reason the girl was there was because I called her.
Bill: To protect your wealth!
Eric: To protect my wealth, yes. Magister, she is... valuable.
Magister: Humans exist to serve us. That is their only value.
Bill: There are those among us who think differently.
Magister: [challenging] Do you question my authority? I am the magister. I was trained in the Inquisition and I am the adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America! As the humans say, the humans you love more than your own kind, back your shit down!
Eric: [warningly] Bill.
Magister: Well, you haven't bored me. That works in your favor. And you seem to be obedient to your sheriff.
Eric: For the most part... When it matters, yes he is.
Magister: The usual sentence is five years in a coffin, chained with silver. During which time your body will waste to leather and sticks. You'll probably go insane. However, I'm feeling a bit... creative.

Lisa: [as they're eating ice cream] Bill, how come you can't have ice cream?
Bill: You might say that I'm lactose intolerant.
Coby: Just like my Aunt Fern. 'Cept she don't tolerate Mexicans.

Terry: I know Coby and Lisa are part of you, and maybe you think I'm not the kind of person you want around them. But - But I made a list.
Arlene: A list of what?
Terry: [Takes out a paper and starts reading] Ten reasons why you can trust me with your kids. Number one: I'm a nurturer. I found a baby armadillo by the side of the road and I nursed it. Now it sleeps under my bed, and its name is Felix.
[Arlene smiles]
Terry: Number two: I have a diploma from anger management, where I learned talking about your feelings is the manly thing to do. Number three
[Arlene runs to the bathroom, Terry yell-reads through the door]
Terry: ... Number three: I never killed nothing by accident...

Sookie: Is Debbie your ex-girlfriend?
Alcide: [reserved] My fiance. She moved out a month ago.
Sookie: A month? And you still haven't gotten new furniture?
Alcide: Don't have time for it.
Sookie: You ever... hear from her?
Alcide: My sister Janice does. She runs a beauty parlor. Debbie still goes in to get her hair done.

Nan: [about vampires] We're citizens. We pay taxes. We deserve basic civil rights just like everyone else.

Sookie: [finding Sam naked at the foot of her bed] What the hell are you doing here?
Sam: Nothing. Sleeping.
Sookie: Did you touch me?
Sam: Hell, no, I swear. Sookie, listen. Bill... Bill asked me to look after you while he was away.
Sookie: Did he ask you to do it buck naked?

Pam: [from behind him] Remember me?
[as he jumps]
Pam: Aww, you do. How's life?
Lafayette: Not so good. Uh, is you real?
Pam: [looking around the freezer] Hmmm. This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.
Lafayette: What are you doin' here? I ain't said nothin' to nobody.
Pam: And I knew you wouldn't.
Lafayette: Why then the fuck ya'll just glamour me, huh?
Pam: Oh poor thing. We would have, but then you wouldn't have remembered that you owed us.
Lafayette: Owe you?
Pam: Eric sent me with a request.
[holding up a small bottle of blood]
Pam: You're back in business.
Lafayette: Oh no I ain't. I'm outta that shit.
Pam: So sorry. But you're very much back in this shit.
Lafayette: You locked me up and tortured me for damn near three mother-fuckin' weeks, 'cause you caught me selling V and now...
Pam: Now what?
Lafayette: What the fuck is vampire's doing selling V anyway?
Pam: We're not. You are. Get to work.

Sarah: We are fighting for God's green earth and daytime and Christmas and Easter eggs and all that's sacred and good.

Tommy: Guess we're on our own for clean up.
Arlene: I ain't filling salt shakers while innocent people are being attacked by vampires. It was only a matter of time before one of y'all got caught on film.
Jessica: [Runs at Arlene, pins her to the wall] Okay, we get it. You don't like vampires. Well I don't like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs. But at least I've got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it... Most of the time.

Tara: [slaps Manager] That's for pattin' my ass too much! I'mmo get my baby daddy who just got outta prison to come and kick your teeth in!
Sav: Jesus, Tara. Please don't do anything like...
Tara: Oh, my God! I'm not serious, you pathetic racist! I don't have a baby! Damn! I know y'all have to be stupid, but do you have to be that stupid? Shit, fuck this job.

Sam: [kinda drunk, to Sookie] I can't be what ever you want, when ever you want anymore. I'm tired of charin' my ass on your back burner.

Eggs: Just because you got a little too stoned don't make you your momma.
Tara: You're right. Sometimes it's like you're Sookie. Like you can read my mind or something.
Eggs: I just get you, that's all.

Tara: I've never been this out of control before.
Maryann: We need to be out of control. We crave it.

Jessica: I'll get used to it. Maybe there's an operation. I can't be the only vampire virgin.
Hoyt: You know, intercourse isn't the only way to have sex.
Jessica: But I want to have intercourse.
Hoyt: Well sure... We can do everything when we figure out how.
Jessica: You should break up with me.
Hoyt: Hell no. That thing that growns back, it's just a thing. I ain't perfect either. I'm the guy people laugh at.

Jason: [On the phone] This is Jason Stackhouse. Just want to let y'all know a couple of folks got hit by a car up on the square. But they... they ran off.
Sookie: Ask them what the heck's going on all over town.
Jason: ...And if somebody could call me back and tell me if we've been attacked by terrorists or what

Eric: Russell Edgington was maybe the oldest and strongest vampire on the planet, before he eviscerated a newsman live on TV. Now he's also the craziest, and his rage is directed at me.

Sam: Tara, you know how to tend bar?
Tara: No.
Sam: Fake it!
[handing her his appron and leaving]

Terry: [as the zombies descend upon them] When I give an order, you fucking follow it! Now... move on out! Come on! We will unfuck this situation at a later date.

Lorena: [about Eric] He wants the girl, William. Just let him have her.

Tara: [about Lettie's exorcism] What exactly did you do to my mama?
Miss: You were here. You saw it.

Tara: You smell nasty and nice all at the same time. When I was going to sleep last night, I realized I don't know much about you.

Queen: Can we get this over with? I'm getting cold feet.

Jason: Evil is makin' the pre-medicated choice to be a dick.

Jason: What did you do, swim here?
Crystal: It was the only way they couldn't track my scent.
Jason: What, is that drug-dealer code for something?

Eric: I've seen your website... it's very low rent.

Coralee: [about Sam while he's walking away] God bless who ever made those jeans! I swear, I'd wear him like a scrunchie!

Talbot: [to Russell about Franklin] Why is he here?
Franklin: [to Russell] Because I have a present for you, sir.
Talbot: You're not supposed to bring work home.
Franklin: Please.
Talbot: You're not supposed to bring work home.
Russell: Darling
[Points to himself]
Russell: King.

Sam: Where the fuck have you been? Couldn't pick up a damn phone?
Lafayette: Sorry
Sam: Well, sorry's not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry but there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead. Wait, ordinarily, right about now, you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. Well, you want to talk, do some talking.
Lafayette: Sam all I want to know is, can I have my job back?
Sam: I outta tell *you* to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the VA hospital. Yeah, of course you can have your job back. The place ain't the same without you.
Lafayette: Thank you, Sam
Sam: Lafayette. What happened to you?
Lafayette: [walks out the door and closes it behind him]

Maryann: The Greeks knew there was the flimsiest veil between us and the divine.

Jessica: Ooh, can I have one of those?
[Jessica looks at Bill's cell phone]
Bill: No.

Eric: [chained in silver] I... I offer myself in exchange for Godric's freedom and the girl's as well.
Steve: That's noble, but she's just as culpable as you are. She's a traitor to her race. The human race. She hardly deserves mercy. Maybe we should tie her to you so you could meet the sun together.
Bill: [charging in] Sookie!
Steve: [holding a gun to Sookie's head] One more step, vampire and the girl dies.
Bill: If you shoot her, everyone here will die. Let her go, now!
Steve: [to Sookie] Honestly, what do they see in you?

Jason: You think Sam's ever turned into a dog and then had s*x with a lady dog?
Detective: Jesus, Jason, you're talkin' about bestiality!
Jason: No, it ain't bestiality if there ain't a human involved.

Lafayette: Excuse me, who ordered the hamburger with AIDS?

Sookie: [arriving at Bill's house] See, I knew it. Underneath that tough vampire exterior, you're nothing but a big softy.
Bill: Don't tell nobody.
Sookie: [looking at the clothes] Wow, this is a lot of pink, Bill. I'm sure Jessica will love it.
Bill: Yes, well I remember when ladies clothing stores sold petticoats.
Sookie: [giggling] That's just weird.
Bill: Actually, I kinda miss my times. They left something to the imagination. Unfastenin' 'em required a certain skill.
Sookie: I think there's a Halloween store around here that might still have some.
Bill: [grinning] You are such a tease.

Tara: I'm an excellent driver. But you can not prepare for a naked lady and a hog in the middle of the road!

Sookie: [at Fangtasia, looking around] Who's that?
Bill: Oh, you noticed him did you?
Sookie: No, it's not like that. I just...
Bill: Everyone does. That's Eric. He's the oldest thing in this bar.

Sookie: [opening the door and seeing Bill, all better] You're alive?
Bill: Well, technically no. But I am healed. I fed.
Sookie: Would you like to come in?
Bill: Yes.
[enters as she closes the door behind him. seeing her bruised face, he tries to bite his wrist]
Sookie: No.
[stopping him]
Sookie: Without my blood, it'll take weeks for you to heal.
Sookie: I don't care. After everything I just need to feel human right now.
Bill: I failed you.
Sookie: [smiling] You were willing to sacrifice yourself to save me.
Bill: But if I'd just been...
Sookie: My life is too short for all that.
[they kiss passionately]

Tara: How's you leg?
Lafayette: Great.
[when she looks at him unbelieving]
Lafayette: What? I got a powerful immune system.
Tara: You have a powerful death wish is what you got!

Lafayette: [taking a good look at her] You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You gotta date?
Sookie: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette: [laughing] Yes, girl. Let's here it! These damn redneck are suckers for packaging.
Sookie: [nonchalantly] And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette: [smooth] They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs.

Lorena: That was the best sex I've had in decades.
Bill: At least someone enjoyed it.

Sookie: I called you 'cause I need to get into Lou Pines without standin' out.
Janice: You need to look the part. Well that is my specialty. How deep do you wanna go?
Sookie: I wanna look like I could kick some serious ass, which I can.

Lafayette: I'm gonna go clean a grill or somethin'!

Jason: So, uh, how'd it work out for you, with guys and everything?
Eddie: [looking at his situation] You tell me.

Bill: A fresh corpse full of blood, Detective, that's something no vampire could resist.

Sookie: [to Andy] If you're gonna accuse me of lying, be a man and say it out loud for Pete's sake. Either way, I'm gonna hear you whether you look me in the eye or not. Let's face it, there's not a whole lotta ideas in there. Like mice in a cage.

Dawn: [on the phone, to Jason] I'm sorry to break it to you, baby but you are not my only source for a good time.

Diane: [about Sookie] Where'd you find this?
Liam: [sniffing] Man! She smells fuckin' sweet!
Malcolm: And to think just five minutes ago you were telling us how you were living mainly on synthenic blood. You big poser.
Diane: I don't know, Malcolm. She looks like a virgin to me.
Sookie: [snapping] That's none of your damn business, you nosey bitch!
Diane: It is my business cupcake! And you wanna know why? 'Cause virgin blood is the best tasting blood there is. Well, second best. The best would be...
Liam: Baby's blood.
Diane: [laughing] Yeah.
Liam: [grabbing Sookie to him] I get hard just thinking about it.
[turning her head back]
Liam: Ladies first.
Bill: [getting to his feet] Stop! Sookie is mine!

Bill: [searching inside the bombed home] Sookie! Sookie!
Sookie: [on the floor, under Eric] Bill?
Eric: [weakly] I covered her. She's only stunned. Get the humans.

Sookie: What are you doing eatin' my chicken in the dark?
Jason: I couldn't sleep and umm well, I just kept thinkin' about how Gran would be doing handstands in her grave if she saw her house like this.
[the mess]
Jason: So I thought I'd come and clean up and then I got hungry.

Jessica: Sookie, you gotta get me home before dawn.

Tara: This one time Lafayette went to Marthaville for the night, he ended up go-go dancin' in Palm Beach for like eight months.
Sam: [rolling his eyes] Fantastic!

Tara: Did he bite you?
Sookie: NO!
Tara: Are you sure, because you know they can hypnotize you?
Sookie: Yeah, and black people are lazy and Jews have horns.

Jason: How much V you got?
Amy: How far to your place?
Jason: Get in.

Queen: Russell Edgington is the most duplicitous vampire in the Americas, maybe the world. You honestly think you can trust him?
Eric: Like I can trust you? The only vampire a vampire can trust is the vampire he made.

Jason: I don't drink no more. I don't do nothing that can screw me up. Them days are over.
Shawnelle: You don't gotta be drunk to bang my brains out, do ya?
Jason: I appreciate the offer, darling, but I'm happy hanging with my buddy tonight.
Shawnelle: Oohh, are you two, like, gay together?
Jason: No. Just turning over a new leaf.
Shawnelle: Your loss, baby.
[Turns to Hoyt]
Shawnelle: How about you? Do you wanna party?
Hoyt: Uhh...
Shawnelle: Never mind. Time's up. I don't teach. I absorb.

Eric: [looking around Merlotte's] Wow. This place is even more depressing than I thought it'd be.

Adele: [to Jason and Sookie] What's a fangbanger?

Summer: I am so proud of you.
Hoyt: Why?
Summer: Because you chose life. I love vampires as much as anyone else, but they have no life in them.
[Looks at Jessica]
Summer: Look how sad she is without you.
Hoyt: Yeah.
Summer: She pulled you into the night. I'm just so thankful you chose to come back with me. Can't do much antiquing after dark, can we?

Arlene: Hey, Sam. I don't know when you're plannin' on hiring another waitress, but me and Sookie are about to drop from exhaustion.

Russell: It's time for you to answer my questions, Miss Stackhouse.
Sookie: Fine. I have some questions for you too.
Russell: Heh. Oh, honey. There's a fine line between feisty and delusional. You're not really in any position to bargain.
Sookie: You don't know that.
Russell: Oh, now it's getting interesting.
Sookie: So I'll answer one of your questions and you'll answer one of mine?
Russell: [Chuckles] Who goes first?
Sookie: Are you the king of all vampires?
Russell: Heavens no, my dear girl. I am merely the king of Mississippi.
Sookie: Do you have a crown?
Russell: I have several.

Hoyt: This might sound kind of funny, but I was just sitting there thinking, "How come you don't ever meet a nice girl, Hoyt?" And then you just walked right in.
Jessica: How do you know I'm a nice girl?
Hoyt: 'Cause of your smile, I guess. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they smile.

Lettie: [Praying] Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities...
Lafayette: ...Who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction. Hallelujah, God.
[Lettie Mae Looks at him]
Lafayette: Jesus and I agreed to see other people. But that don't mean we don't still don't talk from time to time.

Eric: So what brings you to Fangtasia this balmy summer night?
Sookie: Bill's been kidnapped and I think you did it.
Eric: I didn't. Any other theories?
Sookie: I'm still on this one. Thank you very much.

Deputy: Well, I guess the only way to get a promotion in this town is to drink like a fish, hallucinate farm animals and kill a black man. Hey - promotion! Uh huh.

Calvin: You let these faggots put vamper juice in me?
Crystal: They saved your life!
[He slaps her and runs off]
Jesus: You okay?
Crystal: I can take care of myself. Daddy, wait! Daddy!
[Runs after Calvin]
Lafayette: ...Them fuckers is a whole new dimension of trash.

Arlene: [to her kid over the phone] You wanna timeout? 'Cause I can give you one over the phone!

Bill: You're only making matters worse for yourselves by holding me captive.
Russell: Oh, no one's holding anyone captive. We're uh, we're conducting business. You're a guest in my house.
Bill: Guests are invited. Guests can leave at their own accord.
Russell: Once you've heard my proposal, so can you if you chose.

Sookie: I've been admiring your necklace all day.
Amy: Oh, thanks. It's a lariat. I made it.
Sookie: You make jewelry?
Amy: It's a easy way to earn extra money. I can make you one if you want.
Sookie: Thanks, but I don't think my boyfriend much likes silver. You know my brother's a dog, don't you?
Amy: [confused] Sorry?
Sookie: He's all charm and smiles in the beginning. But the second he gets tired of you, he gonna stop calling. Before you know it, he's off with some other floozy. Not-not that you are one, but trust me. It's as regular as the seasons. You seem like a sweet girl, I don't want you to get hurt.
Amy: You know, I don't think Jason's realized even half of what he's going to be. I wouldn't be so quick to judge. I think you might be surprised at what he's capable of.

Yvetta: You're giving her everything? You promised to take care of me!
Eric: I promised you a job and good sex. That is all.
Yvetta: So I mean nothing to you?
Eric: Less than nothing, you gold-digging whore!
[Yvetta storms out]
Pam: You can be a cold-hearted bastard.

Rene: [about the kids attending the meeting] The minute they heard vampire, they had to come.

Andy: Psycho sonuvabitch, goin' after a old lady that way, just about the sickest thing I ever seen.
Sheriff: Nah. I've seen worse. There was a murder about 6 years ago, lady snapped, blew her husband's head off while he was watching the game. Big chunks of brain all over the TV.
Andy: Why'd she do it?
Sheriff: I guess she wanted to watch something else. How they hell would I know, Andy? People don't murder 'cuz they're right in the head!

Sookie: Are you very afraid?
Godric: No. No, I'm filled with joy.
Sookie: But the pain?
Godric: I want to burn.
Sookie: Well, I'm afraid for you.
[Sookie begins to cry]
Godric: A human with me at the end, and human tears. Two thousand years and I can still be surprised. In this, I see God.
Sookie: Goodbye, Godric.
[Godric walks toward the sun and burns away until there is nothing left]

Sookie: I didn't have any say about being normal. We're born the way were are.

Sookie: I shouldn't of lost it like that.
Tara: Don't feel sorry yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been sticking her nose where it don't belong for years.
Lafayette: Saayy it. I mean, if she talked anymore shit she'd be shaped liked a toilet.
Tara: Tara and Lafayette look at each other and proceed to laugh.

Detective: You're a good guy, Stackhouse. You got a lot of heart. You're prettier than most girls. If you just applied yourself right, you could accomplish almost anything.
Jason: You really think so?
Detective: Why else would I be babysitting your drunk ass making sure you don't piss your entire future away?
Jason: [Hugs him] I love you, Andy. You're my best friend.
Detective: Now, that's just sad.

Terry: [charging towards a vampire] Jihad this, motherfucker!

Sarah: When the vampires came out of the coffin, I went with my big sister Amber to march for their equal rights.
Jason: Really?
Sarah: Two months later, Amber disappeared. Got hooked on V. I know they killed her. Got rid of her body in whatever way they do.
Jason: Well, I'm sorry.

Jason: I got a lot on my mind lately.
Lafayette: That must feel new.

Bill: You're mostly human. Apparently, a Fae coupled with one of your female ancestors.
Sookie: Coupled?
Bill: The Fae were known for breeding with humans, sometimes against the human's will.
Sookie: My people are rapists?

Sookie: [as she tends to his wounds] Don't take it personally. The Were you were fightin' had vampire blood in him. Bill's in fact, so I know it's strong.
Alcide: Werewolves doing V? It goes against everything we stand for... the rest of the pack into that shit?
Sookie: The one's who took Bill, at least.
Alcide: Like I need more reasons to hate them.

Sookie: How's your leg?
Lafayette: [flexing his knee] Better than ever.
Sookie: How'd that happen?
Lafayette: Eric made me drink his mother-fuckin' blood is how that happened.
Sookie: Me too. He tricked me!
Lafayette: Somebody need to slap that bitch.
Sookie: I have.
Lafayette: [proud] Look at you.
Sookie: Have you had... any dreams about him?
Lafayette: [incredulously] Now Sook, how would you know about that?
Sookie: What kind of dreams?
Lafayette: Like he's always in my head. And sex dreams is all kinda nasty and fantastic, which freaks me the fuck outs because I hates that mother-fucker more than you'll ever know.

Tara: The only man I ever loved was just zipped up in a bag, and you don't even have the decency to pretend you give a fuck!
Arlene: I give a fuck.

[first lines]
Sookie: [to Bill, about Jessica] I'm sorry. She promised she was just gonna look in the window. I know I made a mistake. But they're her family.
Bill: [enraged] She is a vampire! She has no family!
Jessica: [crying] I'm a monster and I'm gonna be alone forever because of you!

Detective: You just gonna run in there? We're way outnumbered.
Jason: Not with Kid Glock on my side.
[Pills out two guns, passes one to Andy]
Jason: And yours.

Arlene: At least shoot the cheap liquor! Bottom shelf, bottom shelf!

Sookie: [gasping, hurt] Am I dying?
Dr. Ludwig: Yes.
Bill: No! She cannot die! You will save her!
Dr. Ludwig: Back off, vampire. Let me do my job!
Eric: Forgive him. Bill is abnormally attached to this human.
Dr. Ludwig: [working on Sookie] Well, we don't have a lot of choices. She's been poisoned. You ever heard of Komodo dragons? Their mouths are teaming with bacteria. After one has bitten you it will track you for hours, days just waiting for the toxins to slowly eat away at your nervous system. 'Til you're good and helpless. Then it will devour you alive.
Sookie: [gasping] I was... scratched by a dragon?
Dr. Ludwig: No, but this poison is similar but way more efficient. I don't think I've seen it before but it's hard to tell without further testing and we don't have that kind of time.

Sookie: [while driving home with Bill] I use to get so mad when people judged vampires just for being different. It's like they were judging me too. I told myself their fear was nothing but small mindedness. But maybe that's what I wanted to believe. 'Cause the more open my mind gets, the more evil I see.
Bill: Sookie, most of us, vampire, human or otherwise are capable of both good and evil. Often simultaneously.
Sookie: You can't expect me to believe that Eric is capable of anything good. Not after how he tortured Lafatette.
Bill: I have had worse sheriffs.
Sookie: I don't understand how you can defend him.
Bill: He saved your life.
Sookie: I can still hate him.
Bill: I hate that he maybe putting you in harms way once again, for his own selfish reasons. And I hate that he has shown your the barberousness we call justice. If I could glamour it away for you, I would.
Sookie: I'm glad you can't. I'm sick of things sneakin' up on me. Rene and what ever the hell that was that attacked me last night. If I'm never gonna be safe, I'd rather know what to be affraid of.
Bill: Well, after last night I hope that doesn't include me.
Sookie: I know there is evil in you. I know there is and it scares the hell outta me. But you're right. There's goodness in you too and when I look in your eyes, that's what I see.

Hugo: [through a vision] They're sending in a spy tomorrow. I'll be with her.
Sookie: [in the present] You? You're the traitor!

Godric: [to Rev. Steve Newlin] I daresay my faith in humankind is stronger than yours.

Bill: [back in the present] You released me. There was nothin' left between us. What could you possibly have to gain from this?
Lorena: You're making a fool of yourself with that girl. You have no future with her. Everyone knows it but you... Some day you'll see this for what it is. An act of love.

Sarah: You Stackhouses are nothing but a bunch of heartless... two-faced... vampire-fuckers!

Arlene: Thank Jesus Christ, Santa Clause, and Hare Krishna.

Sam: [transforming] I'm not the killer, I swear. I'm a shapeshifter.
Sookie: [thunderstruck] ... Shut the fuck up.

Jason: There's werewolves?
Sookie: Yes.
Jason: What about Bigfoot? Do you think he's real?
Sookie: I suppose it's possible.
[pause]
Jason: Santa?
Sookie: Jason, focus!

Bill: [to Jessica] Two-thirds of new vampires never survive the first year.

Maryann: Carl?
[Maryann slaps Carl across the face]
Maryann: Nobody needed towels.

Sookie: What's up, Gran?
Adele: Oh, I was just wondering how old you think the vampire is? The one you met last night?
Sookie: I have no idea. Why?
Adele: You think he might remember the war?
Sookie: The Civil War? Could be.
Adele: Oh, if he does, I would love to have him to come speak to the Decendents of the Glorious Dead. You think he might want to?
Sookie: [amused] I think he might have a hard time showin' up at the public library at noon on a Thursday.
Adele: We could have a special meetin' at night or he could just come talk to me and I could tape his recollections. I'm sure the other members would find it soo interesting.
Sookie: I'll ask him next time he comes in to Merlotte's. If he comes in.