The Best Michael Quotes

Gregory: Life is suffering.
Ruth: I was just saying that this morning. I am so on the Russian wavelength. I am like...
[Russian accent]
Ruth: one of those dolls, in a doll, in a doll, in a doll. I am many dolls. Because, I am so into myself. Do you get it, though? I'm into myself.
Gregory: It's a thinker.
Ruth: Hey, will you introduce me to more people?
Gregory: No. You say you want real thing, but you keep asking stupid questions. We didn't all work in factories and write sad poetry.
Ruth: Ah. Okay, fine. I'll just introduce myself.
[Ruth approaches Michael's mom]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Zdravstvuyte. I am Zoya. Thanks to you for having me at party.
Michael's: [Russian] Who is this? Where's Lupe?
Gregory: [Russian] She's mad at me. Thinks I don't pay enough attention to her.
Michael's: Mm.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Is more fun than work break at Gulag.
Michael's: [Russian] What's the matter with her? What's she talking about?
Gregory: [Russian] She's in character. Actress. So she says. Maybe hooker. When Michael heals, she might be a nice present for him.
Michael's: [Russian] Why did you bring an actress whore to a sacred rite of passage? She's bothering everyone.
Gregory: [Russian] You know I have trouble saying no.
Michael: [Russian] Somebody please get me a drink!
Michael's: [looks at Ruth] Nice to meeting you. I have to get the boy some vodka. Excuse me.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Nice to meeting you too.
[Ruth goes back to Gregory]
Ruth: I love that.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: 'Nice to meeting you. Nice to meeting you. Zoya, nice to meeting you.'

Ruth: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But isn't a bris supposed to happen when you're a baby? I mean, if you can scream for vodka, maybe you're a little too old.
Gregory: In Russia, it wasn't option. We had to live in secret. Now, he's in America, he gets to be who he is.
Ruth: Oh... like Yentl. Yentl had to come to America to be who she was.
[Michael overhears Ruth talking about Yentl]
Gregory: Yes, Michael and me and all our relatives, we're just like Yentl.
Michael: [Russian] Is she going to sing something from Yentl?
Gregory: [Russian] Don't encourage her.
Ruth: Yentl!
Michael: [Russian] But, but I love Barbra Streisand. And it's my party.
Gregory: [Russian] Does anyone have a microphone?
Ruth: What's happening?
Gregory: Michael want you to sing song from Yentl.
[Gregory hands Ruth a microphone]
Russian: You sing from Yentl, da?
Gregory: You know Yentl?
Ruth: Come on. Everybody knows Yentl.
[Ruth approaches Michael]
Ruth: This is for my buddy right here. You've had a very rough day. So picture me in a little cap and glasses, okay, pretending to be a man. Ahem...
[pause]
Ruth: [singing] There are moments you remember all your life, there are moments you wait for and dream of all your life. This is one of those moments...
Michael: [singing] Moments...
Ruth: [singing] I will always remember this chair, that window...

Gregory: You wanna feel Russian, you must drink vodka.
[Ruth and Gregory toast and drink]
Ruth: Oh. Wow. That's... strong. Guess I'd better get used to it.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: Zoya drinks like a sailor and swears like a fish.
Gregory: Fish don't talk.
Ruth: Hoo. Really feeling that. Probably should've had breakfast.
Gregory: You want some sturgeon on rye bread?
Ruth: Aw, look at you being a considerate date.
Gregory: This is not date. I have woman, sometimes. She gets mad at me. She says, uh, I don't take her out enough.
[Ruth looks at the ice sculpture of a horse head used to serve vodka]
Ruth: So... what's with the horse head.
Gregory: My cousin Michael is chess champion. Eighteen-and-under division. Very good.
Ruth: Oh, so, this is, like, a celebration for him or... ? Did he die? I can't tell from the faces.
Gregory: He's new to America. Was very difficult for him to get out. So, we sponsor him, make big noise. And Russia likes Jews only slightly more than faggots.
Ruth: Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish.
Gregory: I wear a giant chai.
Ruth: Oh... I thought that was a cat.
Michael: [Russian] No! No! I change my mind. Fuck religion! Don't touch my penis!
[two men drag Michael to a chair]
Ruth: What's going on?
Gregory: His bris. Now that we're in America, we're free to be Jews. Is covenant. We celebrate.
[Gregory gives Ruth another shot of vodka]
Michael: Nyet!