150 Best GLOW Quotes

[a waiter brings in a cake shaped like the Space Shuttle Challenger]
Bash: God! Please make that cake go away!
Rhonda: Um, can you take this downstairs to the kitchen and ask them to turn it into some trifles?
Bash: What's a trifle?
Rhonda: Oh, it's like mashed-up cake with berries, custard, and cream. Unless... you want them to turn it into a penis cake.
[Bash covers his face]
Rhonda: [to the hotel staff] Give us the room, please. Thank you so much.
[the hotel staff leave]
Rhonda: Look... All you need for a good party is alcohol, drugs, and good people. And we've got all of those.
Bash: I didn't get any drugs.
Rhonda: Well, I did. From the valet. It's all sorted.
Bash: You didn't have to do that.
Rhonda: Well, it's my party too, you know. And it's the first time we're hosting together. It's exciting.
Bash: These produces I invited tonight, they're... they're, they're legends. Donn Arden, Jeff Kutash, David Saxe, who, by the way, is still in high school and is somehow already a name in this town.
Rhonda: Well, maybe they should make a little room for the new kid on the block.
[Rhonda grabs the latest issue of What's On magazine, with bash on the cover]
Rhonda: They were at the gift shop. I bought ten.
[Bash grabs the magazine]
Bash: My hair looks terrible.
Rhonda: You're bonkers. You look very handsome. And you're on the cover. So...
Bash: I don't know why I'm so nervous. I... I've thrown a million parties, but I don't know these people, and this isn't my house, and I don't have... I... I don't recognize half the names on the guest list.
Rhonda: Okay. I love meeting new people.
Bash: Uh-huh.
Rhonda: And I love parties. And... I love you.
[pause, before Rhonda and Bash kiss]
Bash: I thought you weren't sure if you wanted to.
Rhonda: Well, I want to.

Carmen: Dad!
[silence, as Goliath Jackson and his sons approach the ring]
Bash: Oh! Goliath Jackson. This is such an honor. I'm a huge fan. I'm a Goliath fan.
Goliath: You the promoter?
Bash: No. I'm more of, like, the brainchild, the mastermind-slash-fairy godfather. We don't have a promoter.
Goliath: Who's in charge, then?
Sam: I'm in charge.
Goliath: You?
Sam: Yeah. I'm the director.
Mighty: Did you direct Star Wars?
Sam: No, I didn't direct Star Wars.
[disappointed look in Mighty Tom's face]
Big: Love Star Wars.

[Melrose and Rhonda fiddle with GLOW-Bot]
Rhonda: Where are the drugs, robot?
Melanie: How does it refill itself?
[Melrose pushes the red button until a compartment opens]
Melanie: Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop! Yes! Rhonda, down here.
Rhonda: Where are they?
Melanie: Do you see any little baggies?
Rhonda: No, there's gotta be a...
Sebastian: Ahem.
Melanie: Hey! What? No, we're not molesting your robot.
Rhonda: What? It kissed me, I didn't kiss it.
Sebastian: Well, I got something even better for you to fondle. Who likes glittery fun things?
[Rhonda raises her hand while Melrose looks at the dresses Bash is carrying]
Melanie: Holy shit! Is that a fucking Bob Mackie gown?
Sebastian: Uh, yeah. Why do you think my parties are so legendary?
[Bash throws some dresses at Melrose and Rhonda]
Sebastian: We drink, we smoke, we dance and get naked. Then we put on these awesome costumes, and the cycle repeats itself. Now why don't you go tell the ladies that there's a costume closet on the second floor?
[Melrose and Rhonda run back to the mansion]
Melanie: You guys! Costume party! Get naked!

[Melrose walks toward her room early morning when she is confronted by Cherry]
Cherry: Good morning!
Melanie: [whispers] Fuck!
[Melrose turns around]
Melanie: Morning! Just, uh, getting back from the gym here. It's an early workout.
Cherry: Right. 'Cause that's a workout bustier.
Melanie: It's a new costume element I'm working on. You know, as soon as you need to break 'em in. 'Cause they're very, very... they're tight.
Cherry: Look, Rosen. That white girl bullshit might work on teachers and cops, but not me.
Melanie: Uh, Rosen?
Cherry: This is your last warning. You break curfew again, you're fired.
Melanie: Look, are we still doing this whole Louis Gossett Jr., Richard Gere thing? Come on. 'Cause I really don't see you up anybody else's asshole.
Cherry: Other people don't piss me off as much. And Sam put me in charge. I'm official now. So, deal with it, Rosen.
[Cherry jogs off]
Melanie: Fucking anti-Semite.

Big: You call this a battle royale? Looks more like a pillow fight.

[Melrose sits on the top turnbuckle]
Melanie: Adrian! Hey yo, Adrian!
Sam: Rocky! Get down from there. That's right. I came back. Don't all applaud at once.
[the ladies stand in position in the ring]
Sam: Okay. Light of day. Who'd I hire? Who are you people?
[removes jacket]
Sam: All right. Coming in.
[Sam enters the ring and nearly loses his balance]
Sam: Why don't we do this: When I point at you, you tell me your name, and if you have any... special skills or hidden talents, favorite sex positions. All right, who wants to go first?
[Melrose clears her throat and waves at Sam]
Sam: Yes, underwear-as-outerwear girl. Hit me.
[Melrose approaches Sam]
Melanie: Hi, I'm Melanie Rose. Call me Melrose. And my special skill is that I'm not fucking boring. Like, I can wake up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do, and just be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day. Um... Oh, also, uh... Any position with my legs over my head.
Sam: Okay. I dig it. I like the whole 'please objectify me' vibe.
Melanie: Thank you.
Sam: Tremendous.
[Melrose walks back to the corner of the ring]
Sam: Wolf lady, what's your story?
Sheila the She: Sheila. Sheila. And... I have a very acute sense of smell.
Sam: Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?
Sheila the She: Drakkar Noir.
Sam: Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so you get points for that. Good job.
Sheila the She: Yeah. I love points.

Sam: Oh! A dirty move by a dirty Russian. Zoya is a dirty, dirty girl.
[Ruth clotheslines Debbie then stomps on her]
Ruth: Stalin!
[crowd boos Ruth]
Ruth: You boo?
[Ruth continues to beat up Debbie]
Ruth: [Russian accent] So sad. So sad, Miss America! Get up! Come with me.
[Ruth slams Debbie's head on the turnbuckle before spearing her]
Sam: Is it over for the American dream? Is this bye-bye Miss American Pie?
Ruth: [Russian accent] No one can defeat Soviet Union!
Keith: Hey! You guys are doing great! Do you know what happens next? 'Cause I don't!
Ruth: Da.
Keith: Okay, go ahead. All right.
Debbie: [Southern accent] Please. Don't... I surrender. Let's talk this out like adults.
Ruth: [Russian accent] What's that, princess?
Debbie: Come here.
[Debbie grabs Ruth and slams her to the turnbuckle, punching and kicking her]
Debbie: [Southern accent] One quick question: How do you spell freedom? U-S-A!
[Debbie runs to the ropes and clotheslines Ruth. She throws Ruth toward the turnbuckle and charges toward her, but Ruth lifts herself out of the way]
Ruth: [Russian accent] USA dies! Woo!
[Ruth charges toward Debbie, but Debbie hits her in the face with her elbow before climbing the second rope. She is about to jump when she suddenly sees Mark in the crowd]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Stupid American Barbie! You think elbow to face will stop me?
[a distraught Debbie walks out of the ring to follow Mark toward the locker room]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Classic American! You run away! Bye-bye!

[Debbie notices Ruth going out with Sam and Rhonda]
Debbie: Guess all that extra work paid off, huh? For her, anyway.
Carmen: You wanna talk? You can squat.
[Carmen continues her squats before throwing the medicine ball to Debbie, who squats and throws it back to Carmen]
Debbie: So you have obviously been helping her. You're so good, now she is so good, and I still suck.
Carmen: Well, Ruth takes it seriously.
Debbie: Well, I take this seriously. I'm working out as hard as I can. I had a baby six months ago. My hips are still in the wrong place. Every time Cherry makes us jump rope, I leak a little, but, you know, I'm here.
Carmen: It's not the workouts. The problem is, you think wrestling is stupid.
Debbie: Well, it is stupid. I mean, isn't it?
Carmen: I prefer exaggerated. I mean, that's the point. My brother, he once had this promoter set him up with a guy who wrestled with a snake. The day of the match, the snake died. Kermit put on a sock puppet and my brother had to wrestle it like it was real.
Debbie: That sounds humiliating.
Carmen: It brought the house down.
[pause]
Carmen: Have you never been to a real wrestling match?

Sam: [typing] Those balls are just... balls. A man's true ball... is the mind.

[Ruth hands her headshot photo]
Sam: Ruth Wilder. Looks like you.
Ruth: Yeah. It's a headshot.
[Sam looks at Ruth's credentials]
Sam: Oh, Strindberg. Who the fuck is that?
Ruth: Oh, it's a playwright.
Sam: I'm kidding. I know who Strindberg is. I'm not an idiot. So what are you, like a... like a real actor?
Ruth: Yeah. I've done a bunch of plays in Omaha. At a little spot called the Blue Barn Theatre. I did a film a few years back. I've also done extensive mask work and clowning workshops.
[pause]
Ruth: How much acting will there be on this show?
Sam: As opposed to what?
Ruth: Hair pulling?
Sam: You don't like wrestling?
Ruth: Well, I don't really know wrestling.
Sam: You don't think wrestling is acting?
Ruth: It's not, is it? It's... It's more like a sport with costumes? Or... sorry, are you... Are you hiring actors to play wrestlers or are we the wrestlers?
Sam: Yes.
Ruth: Which one?
Sam: Do people think you're pretty? Because, like, I'm looking at you. One second, I think, 'Fuck yeah, she's hot.' And then the next second, I'm like, 'I don't know. Is she? Really?' I mean, you just have one of those faces that kind of... changes. Like, 'Ehh... Hmm.' I don't know.
Ruth: What the hell does that mean?
Sam: It means I don't know... Ruth. Ruth. Ruth. That is not a great name.

[Sheila walks toward the camera, leaning against the wall]
Sheila the She Wolf: I'm Sheila.
Sam: [looks at Bash] Anything to add?
Sebastian: No. I... I think it's pretty clear.

Rhonda: [singing to Melrose's constipation] Poop baby, poop baby, come out in a flash. Into the toilet and make a big splash.

Bash: Welcome back to the second half of our show, ladies and gentlemen. From the South Side of Chicago, and the Ubamba Province of Peru, respectively, Welfare Queen and Machu Picchu!
[Carmen nervously takes off her hat, then trembles as she sees Tammé approach her]
Tammé: Smells like donkey doo in here. Mm!
Bash: Looks like Machu's got, uh... just a touch of the infamous Peruvian jungle fever. Will she recover in time to fight, uh, Welfare Queen... this liberal leech, this, uh, parasite on our economy?
Goliath: Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu!
[crowd chants with Goliath]
Bash: And the crowd is chanting. Machu! Machu! Machu! Machu!
[Carmen regains her confidence and charges at Tammé]
Bash: I can't believe it! The fever has broken, and Machu grabs Welfare Queen!
[Carmen misses Tammé, and Tammé splashes her]
Bash: Welfare Queen is pulling something out of her costume. What is that? Is that...? It's food stamps!
Tammé: I get so much money from the government, I just throw it away!
[Tammé shoves the food stamps in Carmen's mouth]
Bash: Oh, my goodness! She is literally shoving her socialist welfare policy down Machu's throat!
[Tammé grabs Carmen in a sleeper hold]
Tammé: Y'all afraid of me, right? Do you believe what President Reagan says? That I'm cheating the system?
Bash: I think Welfare Queen is trying to bore Machu into submission. And it's working!
[Carmen gets up and reverses the sleeper hold into a stunner, sending Tammé to one corner before Carmen splashes her. She kicks Tammé and places her in a headlock]
Carmen: Come on! Come on!
[Tammé reverses the move into a spinebuster]
Bash: She's down! Machu needs to get up, or this fight is over.
[Carmen looks at Goliath from the crowd]
Goliath: Come on. You got this!
[Carmen grabs Tammé from the second rope and powerbombs her]
Bash: And she finished her off with a powerbomb! Unbelievable! The Incan giant has won! Goodness prevails! Justice has been restored! Yes!

Sam: All right, where's my real actress? Where's Strindberg?
Ruth: [raises hand] Oh, here!
Sam: Mm-hmm.
Sam: Know any good party tricks?
Ruth: Um... I can do, um... Audrey Hepburn winning an Oscar for Roman Holiday.
Sam: Hmm.
Ruth: [imitating Audrey Hepburn] I am truly, truly grateful... and terribly happy.
Sam: Very winsome.
Ruth: Yeah.
Sam: Where's your friend?
Ruth: Oh. Um... who?
Sam: You know, that smoking hot blonde who kicked your ass the other day. Where's she? How come she's not here?
Ruth: She's probably at home in Pasadena with her baby.
Sam: Why isn't she here?
Ruth: She's not supposed to be here. She wasn't auditioning.
Tammé: Yeah, she just came to stomp the homewrecker.
[silence]
Ruth: Oh! Oh... I see what happened. You all thought that was real, didn't you? No, we planned that.
Jenny: Oh my gosh, of course! This makes total sense. She's on a soap.
Sam: [looking at Ruth] You're on a soap?
Jenny: No. No no. Not her, the pretty one. The one who slapped her. She's Laura Morgan on Paradise Cove. Until... Until... she had to have reconstructive surgery after a year-long coma.
Ruth: Also known as getting written off the show. But I love her, she's great.
Sam: Wait, what's her name?
Jenny: Debbie Eagan. She was also in one episode of Murder, She Wrote. I watch a lot of Murder, she wrote and Wheel of Fortune, TV in general.
Cherry: Are you done? 'Cause some of us like to work.

Ruth: Are you having fun?
Debbie: Just 'cause we're at a party doesn't mean we're at all okay. If you talk to me again, I'll throw you through the fucking window.

[Sam snorts some cocaine, then looks at Sheila]
Sam: Am I good?
Sheila the She Wolf: Yeah.
[Bash, wearing an Elvis jumpsuit, comes downstairs with the other ladies]
Sebastian: Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling! Yes! Yes! Glorified, get in here. Get in here.
[Bash notices Rhonda carrying an Uzi]
Sebastian: Whoa, a gun! Cool!
Sam: What the fuck is this?
Sebastian: Costumes, characters.
[Sam looks at Tammé]
Sam: You look ridiculous.
Tammé: This is my new character, Sam. I'm not a pimp. I'm a queen.
Sebastian: We're exploring some ideas.
Sam: We don't need new ideas! I have ideas!
Sebastian: Sam, your ideas are so complicated. Okay.
[points at Melrose]
Sebastian: Check this chick out, right? This is clear. She's a sexy party girl. And she's a ripoff of Madonna, who is so huge right now.
Melanie: What?
Sebastian: And this one.
[points at Jenny]
Sebastian: She walks into the ring. There's no backstories or dialogue about where she came from. You look at her, what's the first thing that jumps out at you?
Rhonda: Her eyes.
Jenny: Aw!
Sebastian: Bingo! She's oriental!
Sebastian: [points at Reggie] You're a jock.
[points at Arthie]
Sebastian: You're an Arab.
[points at Tammé]
Sebastian: You're a big black girl.
Tammé: The fuck you say?
Sebastian: It's not a judgment. It's just what I and the entire world see with our eyes. And in wrestling, that is the foundation upon which we need to build.

Bash: Hey, Gary. What a turnout tonight, huh?
Gary: I'm sorry, Sebastian. You're on the list plus one, not 20.
Bash: No, no, no, no, no. These are the, uh... the girls. The former drug addicts from WAD?
Gary: What? WAD?
Bash: Uh, WAD. Wrestlers Against Drugs.
Gary: Yeah, well, they're not on the list.
Bash: 'Cause they're speakers, Gary. I mean, they've turned their whole lives around through commitment to physical fitness and wrestling.
[Bash grabs Jenny]
Bash: For God's sakes, this young lady, two months ago, she, she was literally selling her body for crack. Now she's training every day, living in a halfway house. She came here tonight to tell her story.
Jenny: Yeah, I...
Bash: Through a translator, because she doesn't speak English.
[pause]
Gary: [sighs] Just don't touch anything.
Bash: Okay.
[Bash and the ladies enter the party]
Gary: Please don't mingle, don't talk to anybody. Steal nothing.
Sam: I'm their drug counselor.
Gary: Sir.
Sam: Choose life.
Gary: I did.

Debbie: Don't swear in front of Randy.
Ruth: I'm sorry.
[to Randy]
Ruth: I'm sorry.
[Playing with Randy]
Ruth: Hi.
Debbie: I'm kidding. Of course you can swear in front of him. He's a fucking baby.

Goliath: Let's go.
Carmen: No. I'm staying here.
Goliath: You wrestle over my dead body.
Carmen: You let Tommy and Kurt do it.
Goliath: It's different. They're big, dumb boys. I want you to find a nice man, have a family, find a job where people treat you with respect.
Carmen: People respect me here.
Goliath: Nobody respects a lady wrestler, sweetie. It's like the midgets. You're a sideshow.
Sam: Hey, hey, you can't talk to her like that.
Carmen: It's fine. It's how we talk.
Sam: No, it's not fine. This guy... you can't just come into my gym and disrespect one of my actors. I mean, I know you're some big, famous giant, but you're an asshole, and you wear oversize diapers for a living.
[Goliath slaps Sam]
Sam: Oh, Goddammit! Jesus! Fuck! A fucking backhand? What am I? Some mouthy housewife?
Goliath: Want me to hit you like you're a real man?
Sam: Whatever you gotta do to get the fuck outta here.
Carmen: Okay, enough. Dad, stop. I'll go.
[pause]
Carmen: Sorry, Sam.

Dawn: I'm Ethel.
Stacey: I'm Edna.
Dawn: And we're the Beat Down Biddies.
Stacey: You want a piece of me? I got moles older than you.
Dawn: Oh yeah? I'll come at you. I'm like a good fiber cereal. I'll make you shit your pants!

Sam: [through the intercom] Ladies, hello. Hello, Gorgeous Ladies of GLOW. It's opening night. And... And listen, you know, I just wanna...
[clears throat]
Sam: I just wanna say that, uh, you... you've all worked very hard...
[Debbie turns off the intercom]
Debbie: Well, I did wanna say something... to all of you. Um... Ooh! I wasn't sure that we could, uh, bounce back after this morning.
Dawn: What happened this morning?
[everyone looks at Dawn]
Debbie: The Challenger.
Reggie: Oh, my God! I forgot about it too.
Yolanda: Oh, it's official. We're assholes.
Debbie: No, no, no. You were professionals. You were sad, but you pulled it together and you did your jobs. And tonight, thanks to your hard work...
Ruth: I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can... Can we just take a moment of silence? We're so lucky to all be here together. I... I know we're not acknowledging anything in the show, but... can we have a moment? Is that okay?
Sheila the She: Yeah.
Debbie: Sure.
[the Ladies take their moment of silence in memory of the Challenger crew before Rhonda enters the dressing room with some balloons]
Rhonda: Sorry, I need to put these somewhere. Bash doesn't want balloons at the...
Sheila the She: Shh!
Carmen: We're having a moment of silence for the Challenger.
Rhonda: Oh, shit. Sorry.
[to the hotel staff]
Rhonda: Um, you can just put them in here.
[the bellboys drop the balloons in the dressing room]
Carmen: What's his problem with balloons?
Rhonda: Oh, no, no, no! Just... Just leave 'em. Um, they float about, and floating reminds him of the astronauts.
Melanie: That makes sense.
[as the Ladies continue their moment of silence, some of them begin playing with the balloons]

Sam: Now, here you are. You're ripe. Fecund. A custodian of new life. You're a... you're a fertile harvest goddess. Now... pull your shoulders back, and, and strut like you own the ring.
[Melrose starts skipping]
Sam: What is that?
Melanie: Oh, I added...
Sam: I said strut, like you own the ring.
Melanie: Yeah, but...
Sam: No. That's like a saunter. All right. Okay. Now stick your belly out a little bit. You're pregnant. Everything is fine. Everything is ideal. Until... the Homewrecker arrives. She has nothing. No man, no love, no friends. Her hair is brown, the color of shit.
[disgusted look on Ruth's face]
Sam: All right. Now lunge and miss. Wake up, Ruth! Time to act. Lunge and miss.
[Ruth lunges toward Melrose, but Melrose dodges her]
Sam: Yes. Great. Now it's time for the big move. You're gonna kick her in the stomach, set off a miscarriage that will ruin not one life, not two lives, but three lives in the process. Let's go! Kick! It's like a punch with your leg.
Ruth: Can I do the lockup instead, where I hug her?
Sam: Oh my God. No. Kick!
[Ruth barely kicks Melrose, who hurls herself to the ropes]
Sam: Yeah. Give words to the pain.
Melanie: Oh my God, it hurts! Fuck! Am I having a miscarriage? Ah! Oh no! Oh no! Am I bleeding?
Sam: All right, give me the ketchup bottle.
Melanie: I feel like I'm bleeding! Oh, someone help!
Sam: Since we're not making Apocalypse now, let's add a little fun back in.
[Sam squirts ketchup on Melrose's crotch, then all over Ruth]
Sam: Yeah. Now that is a fuckin' miscarriage.
[Ruth steps out of the ring in disgust while Cherry gets up and leaves and Debbie smiles]

Ruth: [Russian accent] Mmm. Delicious. In Soviet Union, we must pay one month's salary for this quality of cat.
[Sam laughs]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Mm. Foster's Freeze. We have same place. Ice Cream Gulag. There, you go in, it's so cold, you die.
Sam: [laughs] I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Mm. Is because you are weak American. I will destroy all you hold dear.
Sam: Russians, best villains since the Nazis. It's too bad you can't do it for real.
Ruth: Why can't I do it for real?
Sam: Well, if you're Russian. you have to fight the all-American hero, and Debbie's not even talking to you.
Ruth: Well, you never know. She could change her mind.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: Is like old Russian saying: A fisherman cannot kill a chicken till there are no more fish in the sea.
[Sam giggles, while Rhonda has an uncomfortable look]
Rhonda: I need to wee.
Sam: So? Go.
Rhonda: Don't you want to come with me?
Sam: What?
[a disappointed Rhonda steps out of the car]

Debbie: Feminism has principles! Life has compromises!

Rhonda: [looking through the drawers] Do you have any suspenders or, like, a bow tie, or something?
Sam: Could, could you stop ransacking my drawers, please?
Rhonda: I'm working on my costume, okay? Plaits, glasses, braces, and a bow tie?
Sam: You're gonna look like that asshole in AC/DC.
[pause]
Rhonda: You're nervous about the match tomorrow.
Sam: Yeah, I'm nervous. I don't wanna talk about it.
Rhonda: Okay.
[Rhonda turns around and walks away]
Sam: Wait. Where are you going?
[Rhonda brings out a videotape]
Rhonda: The good luck present i made you.
Sam: What is that?
Rhonda: It's a video. Of me.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Rhonda: Shall I put it on?
Sam: Yeah, absolutely.
[Rhonda inserts the tape in the VCR and plays her rap video]
Sam: Are you rapping?
Rhonda: Um... I'm speak-singing. Like Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.
Sam: How did you shoot this?
Rhonda: Oh, on the video camera I found in my locker.
Sam: My video camera... was in your locker? Why didn't you tell me about this?
Rhonda: Because I wanted to surprise you.

[Sheila answers the phone]
Sheila the She: Hello?
Stacey: I'm calling from Hellmann's Mayonnaise. Can you take a survey?
Sheila the She: A survey?
Stacey: Yes, yes. Mm-hmm.
Sheila the She: About mayonnaise?
Stacey: Yes, about mayonnaise.
Sheila the She: I always have time for condiments.
Stacey: Perfect.
[Ruth walks out of the bathroom]
Ruth: Oh, that shower is the best.
Sheila the She: No, I'm quite fastidious about following instructions on the label. Personal lubricant?
[Ruth sighs]
Sheila the She: No, I'm not sure I understand...
[Ruth grabs the phone and hangs up]

[Sam is typing his script when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and sees his ex-wife]
Sam: Oh.
Carolyn: You were supposed to drop the dog off on Tuesday. This is getting ridiculous.
Sam: I've been busy.
Carolyn: Can I have Lenny, please?
Sam: No, you can't.
Carolyn: Why not?
Sam: Because he's dead. He got hit by a car, a Saab, and I just didn't have time to call you. I'm sorry. I know this is probably devastating for you. I mean, I've had a week, so, I've kind of... moved through it. But, uh, I have the number of the woman that hit him, if you wanna call her and cry. Do you wanna call her and cry? 'Cause I don't really want you to cry here.
[Lenny barks from the hallway door. Carolyn picks him up]
Carolyn: You belong in an asylum.
Sam: Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Just me all chained up and drooling and, and lobotomized with my balls cut off.
Carolyn: You never had any balls to begin with.
[Carolyn walks out of the house with Lenny]
Sam: I did before I married you! But there's one ball you can't castrate. That's the mind!

Doctor: And you have considered all your options?
Ruth: Yes.
Doctor: And you're comfortable with the decision to end your pregnancy?
Ruth: Yes.
Doctor: Okay. Then we'll get started. Now, I'm going to give an injection next to your cervix that will numb your uterus, and then we'll start the procedure. Now, you're going to feel a little pressure, okay? Does this all make sense?
Ruth: I'm a wrestler.
Doctor: What's that?
Ruth: Yes. I understand.
Doctor: Take a deep breath and try to relax.
[as Ruth undergoes her abortion, she looks at a patch of the ceiling that is painted like the sky]

[Arthie bandages Rhonda's forehead]
Rhonda: Ah!
Arthie: Sorry. Hold still, hold still. It's kind of deep.
Rhonda: Oh, God. That was so intense.
Arthie: Everyone really hated me. All those people hated me.
Rhonda: Yeah, but that's a good thing, though. Right?

Gregory: Life is suffering.
Ruth: I was just saying that this morning. I am so on the Russian wavelength. I am like...
[Russian accent]
Ruth: one of those dolls, in a doll, in a doll, in a doll. I am many dolls. Because, I am so into myself. Do you get it, though? I'm into myself.
Gregory: It's a thinker.
Ruth: Hey, will you introduce me to more people?
Gregory: No. You say you want real thing, but you keep asking stupid questions. We didn't all work in factories and write sad poetry.
Ruth: Ah. Okay, fine. I'll just introduce myself.
[Ruth approaches Michael's mom]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Zdravstvuyte. I am Zoya. Thanks to you for having me at party.
Michael's: [Russian] Who is this? Where's Lupe?
Gregory: [Russian] She's mad at me. Thinks I don't pay enough attention to her.
Michael's: Mm.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Is more fun than work break at Gulag.
Michael's: [Russian] What's the matter with her? What's she talking about?
Gregory: [Russian] She's in character. Actress. So she says. Maybe hooker. When Michael heals, she might be a nice present for him.
Michael's: [Russian] Why did you bring an actress whore to a sacred rite of passage? She's bothering everyone.
Gregory: [Russian] You know I have trouble saying no.
Michael: [Russian] Somebody please get me a drink!
Michael's: [looks at Ruth] Nice to meeting you. I have to get the boy some vodka. Excuse me.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Nice to meeting you too.
[Ruth goes back to Gregory]
Ruth: I love that.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: 'Nice to meeting you. Nice to meeting you. Zoya, nice to meeting you.'

Sam: Jesus Christ. Fucking actresses. All right, I'm feeling generous. Sophie's Choice, why should I pick you and not her? Go. Girl fight.
Ruth: I'm a real actress. I will work my ass off, and I will make you believe me when I do stuff, even if it's just hair pulling.
Sam: Well, that was a very nice pitch. Very earnest. What about you?
[pause]
Carmen: My dad's Goliath Jackson.
Salty: Holy shit!
Sam: Holy shit, why?
Salty: He's a giant. I mean... he's a legend in the ring, but he's also literally... gigantic. And the brothers too. Mighty Tom Jackson and Big Kurt Jackson.
Sam: No shit.
Salty: The Lumberjacksons.
Ruth: The Lumberjacksons?
[Salty shakes Carmen's hand]
Salty: It's an honor to meet you.
Carmen: Thanks.
Sam: Hard sell, but I'm gonna have to go with the dynasty. You're out.
Ruth: Why? Because my dad was a high school science teacher and not some famous giant?
Sam: Maybe. Or 'cause I don't like your face, or your ass. I-I-I don't know. Maybe I like both of them too much. I-I don't... I don't have to explain myself. That's the beauty of being a director. You're out.
[Ruth walks out of the ring]

[Sam shows Glen Klitnick some storyboards of GLOW]
Sam: So it's, it's, it's deeper than that, really. Okay? They're gonna be wrestling with their own female stereotypes, metaphorically. Do you understand? And I think that's something that's really gonna resonate with female audiences. And guys... Well, guys, let's be honest. They're gonna watch because girls wrestling is fucking hot.
Bash: [giggles] Sure, sure. Though, though Glen's Saturday morning programming primarily targets kids.
Sam: Hot and family friendly, Glen. Porn you can watch with your kids. Finally.
[pause, then Glen laughs]
Glen: Well, I have to say this is all very strong. Strong concept. Strong timeslot. I feel like we could be making something very special. Providing... we find the right sponsor.
Bash: Sure.
Sam: Wait, aren't you the sponsor?
Bash: Uh, Sam, I'm the producer. Heh. Sponsor pays for airtime. How we doing with that, Glen?
Glen: Well, we have a great lead. Booming local business looking to expand their profile throughout the region. Patio Town.
Sam: You mean, like, bird baths and shit?
Glen: Yeah. Bird baths, furniture, custom fire pits, you know. They're the number two purveyor of indoor/outdoor lifestyle in Southern California.
Sam: Wow.
Bash: What can we do, Glen?
Glen: They have a brand-new location in Calabasas. Grand opening this Friday, the owner will be there. We thought it might be a wonderful opportunity for a little meet and greet. Bring a couple of the girls, you know. That zippy Ruth girl. Nail this puppy down.
Bash: We're gonna nail this puppy down so hard, it'll think it's been crucified, huh?

[Melrose, Sheila, and Tammé approach moviegoers at the Hollywood Palladium]
Melanie: All right. Guys, you guys! All right, who wants to make ten bucks? Huh?
Tammé: Who here likes women's wrestling? Ten dollars, and all you have to do is sit in there.
Melanie: Fuck this time travel shit, okay? This movie's sold out till the midnight showing, anyways.
Dude: W-what are you?
Sheila the She: We're the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. If you wanna see more, you're gonna have to take this money and meet me across the street at the Hayworth.

Melanie: You got this job 'cause you fucked the director!
[Cherry approaches Melrose]
Cherry: I got this job because I'm a pro. And I know how to make these moves look real.
Melanie: You think that this shit looks real? Ever get in a street fight, and you're like, 'Oh, careful for my neck, just make sure to do it safely'? It's fucking fake.
Cherry: Okay. Come at me. Make it look as real as you want.
[the other ladies start to exit the ring]
Melanie: Okay.
[Melrose stands in one corner, then does the crane kick pose and attempts to kick Cherry, but Cherry grabs her and locks her in a sleeper hold]
Melanie: Cherry... Cherry...
[Cherry knocks her out]
Cherry: That's lunch.

Keith: You okay? Let me check you out.
Cherry: I got the part!
Keith: Oh, my God. I'm too excited to even concentrate.
Cherry: I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Keith: Are you kidding me? It's a leading role. As soon as this is over, we're gonna party. We're gonna celebrate.

[Bash starts collecting checks from guests]
Bash: Wow. Uh... Hester, Martin, I... I know we've just met, but I'm gonna hug you.
[Bash hugs Martin before they walk away. Ruth gives Bash a check, but Birdie grabs it from her]
Birdie: Now that... is misappropriation of solicited funds.
[places check inside her dress]
Birdie: What's your name?
Ruth: Ruth.
[clears throat]
Ruth: Ruth Wilder.
Birdie: My housekeeper's name is Ruth. She's wonderful. She cuts my fruit up into little pieces.
[pause]
Birdie: You know, I've always been embarrassed by Bash's obsession with wrestling. I've been embarrassed by a lot of things my son chooses to spend his time doing... but wrestling always sounded like... pure trash. But what you said... now that, is the first time I have come close to getting what all the fuss is about. So... thank you.
[Birdie looks at Bash]
Birdie: Now, tell me again, what do you need?
Bash: Nine thousand for a venue?
Birdie: No. I'm not giving you any more money. But we do have... a ballroom at the Hayworth. Unless that's too fancy for wrestling.
Bash: No, it's great. It's, it's perfect.
Birdie: Give me the checks.
[Bash hands her the checks before she walks away]
Ruth: You should hug her.
Bash: No, we don't do that.

Sam: Take the day off.
Ruth: But I'm here. I'm ready to work.
Sam: Well, you can't work if I can't get your scene partner into the goddamn ring.

Sam: And now the moment you've been waiting for. The final match of the night.
Ruth: You're gonna be great.
Sam: Introducing... Liberty Belle!
[Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard, but Sam makes her stop]
Sam: Stop it.
[Debbie approaches the ring to USA chants by the crowd]
Debbie: [Southern accent] I'd like to call on the power of my three favorite Americans: Ronald Reagan, Larry Bird, and Jesus Christ himself!
Sam: And straight from Moscow. The commisasariat for the proletariat. Here to destroy our American way of life. The Cold War never looked hotter... Zoya the Destroyer!
[Ruth turns on her boombox to play Soviet music before entering the ring]
Debbie: [Southern accent] You've lost, Zoya. Americans will never give up their freedom!
[crowd cheers for Debbie]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Capitalist pig! I will neuter all your pet dogs and fill your swimming pools with borscht!
Debbie: [Southern accent] One last time: Defect or die.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Nyet! Prepare yourself for mutually-assured destruction!

Arthie: Hey, how was the meditation retreat?
[suddenly notices the alcohol on Sam's breath]
Arthie: Whoa. What is that smell?
Sam: Bourbon and despair. Where is Justine?
Arthie: Uh, she probably spent the night at Billy's.
Sam: Billy? Who the fuck is Billy?
Ruth: Oh, see, that sounded very paternal.
Sam: Shut up.
Arthie: He's this guy. He delivers pizza. Are you coming in the limo with us?
Ruth: Sam's gonna follow us there.
Arthie: That's probably better.
Ruth: Okay, thanks.
[Arthie runs to the limo]
Ruth: Look. She's not gonna miss shooting the pilot.
Sam: [sighs] I think she's gone. I-I'd be gone if I were her.
Ruth: You know, if she's anything like you, she's stubborn and confrontational, so, go find her. But, brush your teeth first. I'll keep things moving.

Bash: Fun fact: Britannica's brain is four pounds heavier than the average girl. And with her, as always, is her trusted GLOW-bot.
Rhonda: Thanks a bunch, GLOW-bot.
[Rhonda grabs her book from GLOW-bot before entering the ring]
Rhonda: Oh, no! I dropped my book!
Bash: And her opponent today, from the dusty, dangerous deserts of Lebanon, the terrorist Beirut!
[Arthie dances while entering the ring]
Bash: Oh, look at that dirty sand rat! She's come to kill. Be warned: she'll do anything to win. She'll hijack this whole dang match if she has to!
[Arthie enters the ring]
Bash: Here she is, stepping into the ring. But here comes Britannica, a genius in and out of the ring! Brains, beauty, brawn. Triple threat!

[Sam notices Bash installing a keyboard near the ring]
Sam: You having a yard sale?
Bash: Yeah, you asked for lights. We've got lights, in the ceiling, right? Sound, I got my sister's karaoke machine. Music, boom. Casio City. Now, I didn't get you a camera operator 'cause you lost my camera, but I did get you a ref.
[Bash points at Keith]
Sam: Keith? What the hell, man? Are we doing community theater?
Bash: Come on, why can't you embrace the, like, do-it-yourself charm, huh? The Mickey and Judy putting on a show in the barn kind of feeling?
Sam: Yeah, if only I were on that much speed. I mean, like, who's gonna announce? You?
Bash: I wish. No, I've gotta chaperone Glen Klitnick. But Sam, you're gonna do it. Look at me. You're gonna kill it.

[Ruth, Debbie, and Carmen arrive at Goliath's house]
Debbie: So, this is it, huh? House at the top of the beanstalk.
Ruth: It's gonna be great.
[Mighty Tom laughs while eating a can of Pringles]
Mighty: Look who came crawling back.
Carmen: Hey, Tommy.
Mighty: You're lucky Dad's on the road.
Carmen: I'm not here to apologize to him.
Big: What's going on?
Ruth: We need your help. We came to train with you, the Lumberjacksons.
[pause]
Mighty: We're busy.
Carmen: You're sitting on the porch eating Pringles.
[Mighty Tom wipes a potato chip from his shirt]
Carmen: They'll do it.

Jenny: I am one who is cute like panda. I'm in danger. Help me! Save me!
[grabs sword]
Jenny: Ha ha! Trick you! Because I am fast like dragon!
[pulls sword]
Jenny: I am Fortune Cookie...
[points sword at camera]
Jenny: ... and Asian.
[Bash whistles]
Sam: Yeah?
Sebastian: Yeah. Definitely.

Sam: Ladies, get out your autograph books. I want you to meet the new star of GLOW, this is TV's own Debbie Morgan.
Debbie: Eagan.
Sam: Debbie Eagan.
Cherry: Where the hell have you been?
Sam: I've been working my ass off. I just drove to fucking Pasadena in the middle of the day.
Debbie: [sees Ruth] Are you insane? Am I on fucking Candid Camera? Why is she still here?
Sam: Oh, her. Yeah... I did... Look...
Cherry: While you been gone, we done a lot of fucking around.
Debbie: Take me home. Now. Give me your fucking keys. I'm taking your car.
Sam: Just give me a second.
Cherry: Oh no, we got some miscarriage bullshit to show you.
Sam: Wait, what?
Cherry: Oh, now I have your attention?
Cherry: You, just stop talking and give me, give me a minute, okay? Just give me a minute.
[looks at Debbie]
Cherry: Honey, honey, come with me. Come on. Come on. It's gonna be all right.
[Sheila approaches Ruth]
Sheila the She: Don't stand up straight.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: You have to be submissive. She's the Alpha and you're the Omega.
Ruth: I'm...
Sheila the She: Shh. You're gonna provoke her.
Ruth: Let me just...
Sheila the She: Slouch toward the ground. Now slouch. Submit. She might kill you.
Debbie: [looking at Ruth] What are you doing?
Sheila the She: She's submitting.
Debbie: No, don't even talk to me.

Ruth: Well, um, we're playing the U.S. versus Russia as a sort of Cold War ballet.
Debbie: You guys, I wanna fly. I wanna literally leave the ground and do some serious badass aerial shit. The audience is like, 'Aah!' Like slack-jawed. Maybe they shit their pants.
[pause]
Ruth: I want the whole room to boo me. Like, that's how much they hate me. But still, make it about her, but she's gotta win the match.
[Mighty Tom grabs Big Kurt and attempts to clothesline him, but he misses. Big Kurt runs to the ropes, but Mighty Tom shoulder tackles him]
Mighty: How about a shoulder tackle? That's strong.
Debbie: Yeah.
Ruth: Yeah, well...
Big: How about a drop kick, huh? Like this.
[Big Kurt drop kicks Mighty Tom. Mighty Tom headbutts Big Kurt in the stomach]
Mighty: Ha! How about a headbutt? No? Need more? Okay. Turnbuckle.
[Mighty Tom grabs Big Kurt and slams his head on the turnbuckle]
Debbie: That's kind of exciting.
Ruth: It's kind of cool. Maybe, but...
Big: How about something with a jump, like this?
[Big Kurt jumps to the second turnbuckle and does a flying cross body on Mighty Tom]
Big: Something like that, maybe?
Debbie: Yes, that. I wanna... I wanna do that.

Arthie: But I'm Indian, not Arab.
Jenny: I'm Cambodian.
Sebastian: Backstory. Wrestling is not about backstory. It's about type. And your type is...
Arthie: Intelligent and whimsical?
Sebastian: No. No. Terrorist, or or genie or some sort of other evil Arab.
Arthie: You mean stereotypes.
Sebastian: Yes! Bingo! Exactly! Here, look...
[Bash hands Arthie the Uzi]
Sam: Don't take that gun.
Sebastian: Take the gun.
Sam: Don't take the gun.
Arthie: Um, which one of you is in charge?
[Ruth shows up]
Ruth: Did somebody call for a meeting?
Sebastian: Oh! Yes! Here we go. Perfect! Uh, I don't know. Farmer's daughter. A girl next door.
Ruth: No, I'm Kuntar, a vision of hideousness.
Sam: See?
Sebastian: There's no world where people look at her and see hideous or evil. She's apple pie and ice cream.
Sam: Look, I didn't take this job to be bossed around by some wannabe producer who takes fake phone calls at the polo lounge.
Sebastian: Those calls are real! You took this job because no one else would hire you.
Sam: And who are you now? Robert Evans? You haven't done this before. You haven't done anything.
Sebastian: GLOW is my idea!
Sam: So what? Ideas are cheap. Everyone's got ideas. Your idiot butler probably has ten Oscar-winning ideas.
Florian: I do.
Sebastian: You leave my butler out of this, all right? Florian kicks ass!

Ruth: Men... walk in fear through these city streets. For it is there you may meet me. And though I am only moderately attractive, I am desperate. And there's nothing more dangerous than a desperate woman. And there is no woman more desperate than the Homewrecker.
[pause]
Sebastian: It's not working.
Sam: Yeah.
Ruth: Did you want me to push it further, or... ?
Sebastian: No, it's just...
Sam: I don't know. The whole thing's...
Sebastian: Yeah, it's like, it's like... I mean, who is she?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah. Help us out, Ruth. Um... who do you think you are?

Justine: I'm Scab, and I'm your worst nightmare. I'll gut your Gucci and blast your Beemer. Die, yuppie scum! Ha ha ha ha!
Sebastian: I got chills.
Sam: Yeah, you would.

Debbie: [to Ruth when she realizes Ruth's encounter with the network executive may have ruined the show] Great job, Gloria Steinem! The one time you choose to keep your legs shut, and we *all* get fucked!

[while rehearsing the opening match between the Red Scare and the Beatdown Biddies]
Sam: All right, so we do the match. Do the match.
[Ruth and Jenny charge towards Dawn and Stacey]
Dawn: Wait, what are you doing?
Sam: Do the match.
Stacey: Yeah, Russian. We're gonna make your bottom red, just like your politics.
[Stacey starts spanking Ruth]
Ruth: I think we should address the Challenger in the show, hit it head-on.
Stacey: Why? To make everyone cry?
Ruth: Yes, exactly. For catharsis.
Dawn: What is that? One of your theater terms?
Sam: All right, now let's kick those Biddies out of the ring.
Stacey: Yeah, out of the ring. Out of the show. Maybe they died in the Challenger explosion.
Jenny: Stacey, too soon.
Sam: Oh, terrific. I can't wait to hear this bitching for the next three months.

[Billy knocks on Justine and Arthie's door]
Justine: Hi.
Billy: Hey.
[pause]
Billy: You got black olives this time.
[pause]
Justine: Yeah. I like the color black.
Billy: Yeah? Cool.
[pause]
Billy: So, um, it'll be 11 even.
Justine: Oh, right.
[Justine grabs her wallet and pays Billy for the pizzas]
Billy: So, um, I'll see you around.
Justine: Yeah.
[Billy walks away as Justine closes the door in embarrassment]
Justine: Oh-ohhh! 'I like the color black'? Ugh, he must think I'm a total fucking poser! Why can't I talk to him?
[sighs]
Justine: I can't order any more pizza. I'm out of cash until next Friday.
Arthie: Good thing he wrote his number on the box.
[Justine turns around and sees Billy's name and phone number on the box]
Justine: Whoa. Do you think he actually wants me to call him?
[pause]
Arthie: Yeah.

Justine: I mean, does he even know my name? What if I call him, and I'm like, 'Hi, this is Justine,' and he's like, 'Who?'
Arthie: He knows your name.
Justine: Maybe he's been expecting me to call. Now he's mad. What if he, like, hangs up on me? What if I have to talk to his mom?
[knock on door]
Justine: He probably already has a girlfriend, anyway. Some cool punk girl who's in a band, and knows how to give a blow job without choking.
[Justine opens the door and suddenly sees Billy]
Justine: I... I didn't order pizza.
Arthie: I did.
[Arthie grabs her backpack and walks toward the door]
Arthie: I'm going to study. I'll be back later. In exactly 45 minutes.
[Arthie pays for the pizza]
Arthie: Don't try to choke on anything. Thanks.
[Arthie walks out with the pizza as Justine nervously stares at Billy]
Billy: You didn't call me.
Justine: I'm sorry.
Billy: It's okay.
[Billy kisses Justine before closing the door]

Carmen: It's really big.
Jenny: Yeah.
Ruth: We got this. Even if we totally change our lineup, we know the moves. And, we still have two hours to figure everything else out. That's plenty of time. And... And look. Sam said he'd get us pink ropes, he got us pink ropes.
Melanie: Loving the pink ropes, buddy!
Bash: Right? Arr!
[Bash shakes the top rope, which suddenly breaks off in one corner]
Ruth: Let's go find the dressing room. Just follow me.

Ruth: Here's what I've learned: I really like candelabra sconces.
Debbie: And I've learned don't look directly into Bash's mom's eyes.
[Ruth smirks]
Debbie: Look, I know that Mark has been...
Ruth: Popping up a lot lately?
Debbie: Yeah. And I just... I appreciate you just getting the fuck out of the way. It's one less minefield.
[pause]
Debbie: He wants to work things out. He wants me to come home and try. Go to therapy.
Ruth: So, are you going to? What about the show?
Debbie: I don't know, okay? I mean, we might not even have a show. So...
[pause]
Ruth: Well, you'll get something else. You always have.
Debbie: I think... you know what the craziest part of this whole...
[Debbie makes an explosion gesture]
Debbie: ...mess is? Um... that... I actually like wrestling.
Ruth: Really?
Debbie: Yeah. I don't know, it's like I'm back... in my body... and it doesn't belong to Randy... or Mark. And I... I don't know, I'm, like, using it for me, and... I feel like a goddamn superhero.
[pause]
Debbie: But I don't know. It's such a shit show, you know? Even if we get all the money we need, what the fuck is this gonna look like? A lot of crap, probably. And, who knows if anyone's gonna watch this? We are not that good.
Ruth: I know, but...
[long pause, as both start to cry]
Debbie: Sometimes, I'm so sad you took away the option of us ever being able to have a normal fucking conversation.

Ruth: Gregory. Just the man I wanted to see. Hey, how do you say 'Gregory' in Russian?
Gregory: Gregory. Uh, excuse me. I have to go.
Ruth: Go? Where?
Gregory: Do you need something? I know the machine is out from diet orange, but there is grape.
Ruth: Oh, um, I'm not really a soda person. Listen, Gregory... I need to pick your brain.
Gregory: I don't need to pay for it.
Ruth: 'Pay for it'?
Gregory: Brain picking, dick licking... I have woman... sometimes... She gets mad at me. Says I don't listen.
Ruth: I am not a hooker.
Gregory: Of course not. Uh... how you saying? Escort.
Ruth: I'm an actress. I'm playing a character. Zoya the Destroya, the Soviet Scourge.
Gregory: I have cousin Zoya. You look nothing like her. She's a big girl, and good personality.
Ruth: I need to learn more about being Russian, and you're the only Russian I know.
Gregory: You don't know me. And I have to be going.
Ruth: Can I come with you?
Gregory: It's a family function.
Ruth: Families love me.
[pause]
Ruth: Look. I really want to be an authentic representation, not some cartoon Russian villain. Out of respect for your culture. I think you deserve better than Boris and Natasha.
[pause]
Gregory: Fine. Go change your clothes. Uh, and don't dress like what you say you're not.

[Keith answers the phone]
Keith: Keith Bang.
Dawn: Where's the beef?
Keith: Excuse me?
Dawn: We've been wondering, sir, exactly where you've been putting your beef.
[Dawn and Stacey laugh on the other line]

[Debbie enters Ruth and Sheila's room, while Sheila is watching Jeopardy!]
Debbie: Hey.
Ruth: Hey.
Debbie: I was gonna wear red.
Ruth: I can wear something else.
Sheila the She: What is The King and I?
Debbie: [turns around] Could you, um, give us one minute?
Sheila the She: No.
Debbie: Okay.
[Debbie turns back and approaches Ruth]
Debbie: So, I don't wanna look like an asshole on Friday.
Ruth: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Your wrestling has really improved.
Debbie: Oh, no, we're both gonna look like assholes. I mean, Cherry's moves are amateur hour. You know, there's no impact, and it's not exciting. At the men's match, Steel Horse rode in on a motorcycle and did, like, I don't... backflips and shit.
Ruth: You went to a wrestling match?
Debbie: Yeah, you're not the only one who does research.
Ruth: Well... I'll put in extra time, happily. Whatever you want. We can work around your schedule. Randy, whatever else you have going on with... life.
Debbie: [turns around and walks near the TV, noticing the next Jeopardy! answer] I'm not interested in getting coffee with you, or talking to you about my life, but, uh... we need to step it up, and Shaft's mom isn't gonna get us there.
Debbie: What is a brioche?

Ruth: She needs to be ready in five minutes.
Stacey: Well, she needs to stop blinking.
Carmen: I'm not.
Stacey: You are. You're like an epileptic.
Ruth: Hey. How you doing?
Carmen: It's a big crowd out there.
Ruth: Yup.
[pause]
Ruth: At the beginning of every play, I pick something random in the audience to look at. A, a funny skirt, a broken chairback. Then I focus all my attention on it, like a laser beam. It helps.
Carmen: Or I could take one of Bash's Quaaludes. He offered.

Reggie: I'm a two-time... Olympic... medalist... who loves America. I'm Liberty Belle.
[Debbie approaches Sam and Bash]
Debbie: [whispers] Can I please do this character?
[Sam and Bash re-take the promo with Debbie wearing Reggie's medals]
Debbie: Because I'm a two-time Olympic medalist who loves America. I'm Liberty Belle.
Reggie: [looks at Sam and Bash] I'm the athlete. Those are my actual medals.
Sebastian: She seemed more All-American.
Sam: Just... We're... We got a different part for you. It's a big juicy part.
Reggie: Why don't I believe you?
[Sam and Bash cut a promo with Reggie wearing a Viking helmet]
Reggie: I am Vicky Viking.
Sebastian: Yes.

Ruth: [Russian accent] Morning, comrade. Ow, ow, ow.
[Ruth puts down her glass of hot tea]
Ruth: [Russian accent] This is how we drink tea in Russia. With pain.
Sam: Okay, can you stop with the accent? It's a little, a little early for that.
Ruth: [Russian accent] It's never too early to be in character.
Sam: Well, yes, it is.
Ruth: What do Russians have against mugs?
Sam: Well, you need the metal thing. There's a metal thing with a handle that the cup goes into.
Ruth: How do you know that?
Sam: I used to date a Russian woman. Yana Popov. Like the vodka. No relation. But she didn't get along with my dog, and she had a, a weird mole.
Ruth: So, why am I here early?
[Debbie walks in the gym and accidentally knocks over the glass of tea]
Debbie: What the fuck? Why is that here?
Ruth: It was too hot. I'll get paper towels.
[Ruth grabs the glass and runs to the restroom]

Ruth: [Russian accent] In... In... In Soviet Union, we don't celebrate your all nice American Thanksgiving. We celebrate the feast of Lenin, where we just be... thanking the rats for not eating us.
[Rhonda grabs the microphone]
Rhonda: [rapping] GLOW, GLOW, that's the name. Women's wrestling is our game. If we play rough, please don't blame us. Our style is wild, and you know you can't tame us. GLOW, GLOW, that's the name. Women's wrestling is our game. If we play rough, please don't blame us. Our style is wild, and you know you can't tame us.
[Rhonda and Ruth get the other ladies to rap and dance with them in the ring]

[Tammé walks into Sam's office, as Sam is nursing a bruised cheek from being slapped by Goliath Jackson]
Sam: Don't judge.
Tammé: I'm not. I brought you more ice.
[Tammé hands him a can of soda]
Sam: That guy had a hundred pounds on me. He fights for a living. Wasn't fair.
[Sam places can on his cheek]
Sam: Why'd you bring me more ice? What do you want?
Tammé: I have some concerns about my character.
Sam: [sits up] Welfare Queen.
Tammé: [sits down] It's offensive.
Sam: That's the genius of it. It's commentary on an existing stereotype. It's sort of a 'fuck you' to the Republican party, and their welfare program, and their race-baiting shit.
Tammé: Yeah, but would other people know that?
Sam: Like who?
Tammé: My son. He goes to Stanford.
Sam: Fancy.
Tammé: And I don't want him turning on the TV and... getting upset. It's not that I do not want this job. I do.
Sam: What? You've never had a role you've been uncomfortable in before?
Tammé: Sam, I've never had any role before. I mean, I've only done background work. Some lines on Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Gimme a Break.
Sam: Well, that's the problem. That's middle-of-the-road shit. It's safe. You see, me? I like to push the envelope. I like to jolt people into consciousness. Like, like my first feature credit.
[Sam gets up and grabs a basket of videotapes]
Sam: 'Swamp Maidens of the Viet Cong'. Watch it. This one, 'Gina the Machina'. This thing? So offensive, it was banned in 49 States. Pretty proud of that.
[pulls out more tapes]
Sam: Oh, look at these. 'Couch of Pain', 'Blood Disco', 'Blood Disco 2'. You should watch these. I mean, bring them back, but, you know, take them, maybe make notes. I think there's a lot of inspiration there.
Tammé: Okay.

Sam: All right, let's do this. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first ever match of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
[crowd applauds faintly]
Bash: Brought to you by Patio Town!
Sam: All right. Pace yourselves. All right, first match. Battle of the Beasts. From the icy wastelands of the frozen north where she rapes, pillages, but mostly rapes, please boo for Vicky the Viking!
[Reggie approaches the ring while Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Oh, okay. And now... from the cloud-crowned heights of the Andes known by the ancient Incas to be the palace of the gods, put your hands together for Machu Picchu!
[Sheila plays 'Theme of Exodus' on the keyboard]
Sam: Is that the only song you know?
Sheila the She: It is.
[Carmen approaches the ring]
Glen: I like her. She's very winning.
Bash: Great choice of words.
Sam: Here she is... Machu Picchu.
[Carmen stops outside the ring, sweating profusely as she looks at the crowd]
Reggie: Carmen, get in the ring.
Carmen: I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[Carmen walks out of the gym]
Glen: Is she all right? Is this part of the gag?
Bash: Uh, you know, I'm not sure. I'm gonna go check it out.
Keith: The Viking wins! Yeah, all right.

Ruth: So, I've been working on these opening moves called...
[Russian accent]
Ruth: 'the hammer and sickle'.
[pause]
Ruth: I'll just show you. I'll just show you. Um... So it's
[Russian accent]
Ruth: the hammer! I start with a body slam. You get back up, and then I sickle your feet so you... you...
[falls to the mat]
Ruth: [Russian accent] And then I get you here. I got you in a hammerlock. Ahh! Ahh! You get up, you turn it around on me. You lock it up, and you think you got me, but then, I come back around with the soon-to-be-famous 'rough toilet paper!' Ahh! And then, you know, it's fight, fight, fight. I'm bad, you're good. I'm winning.
[punch and knee]
Ruth: [Russian accent] You're winning.
[pulls her own hair and rolls forward before dragging herself backwards]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Oh, step off! She's still got me! Oh, you stupid American swine!
[rolls and gets up]
Ruth: [Russian accent] You think you're getting away, but then, I get you by your hair. Ahh! I spin you around and I set you up for 'the bread line.'
[rolls to the ground]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Ohh! I get you up again for 'the potato soup.' Eat it!
[gets up and headbutts the turnbuckle]
Ruth: Oh! Oh! Still working on the names.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: And then, you know, I still... I've got you by the hair and big finish.
[simulates a piledriver]
Ruth: [Russian accent] 'Vodka for breakfast!'
[pause]
Ruth: But then, of course, you would come back and defeat me with some all-American and awesome, because you're... blonde.
Sam: Wow! See? She's the best villain we have. It's everything you need.
Debbie: I think we can do better.
[Debbie walks away]

Bash: And now, the final showdown for the first ever GLOW Crown! In one corner, from Bolshevik Russia and the rice paddies of China, respectively, at a combined weight of 227 pounds, Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie!
[Ruth and Jenny enter the ring]
Bash: The red menace is certainly looking menacing tonight, folks. And here come their opponents. From the Sunshine Senior Living Facility in Las Vegas, Nevada, at a combined weight of... Aw, who the heck cares? It's Edna and Ethel Rosenblatt, a.k.a. The Beatdown Biddies!
Stacey: Thank you!
Dawn: Are you cheering? I can't hear you! Is it because I'm deaf?
Bash: Don't be fooled. These are two tough ladies. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II, poodle skirts, menopause. They're so old, their wrinkles got wrinkles!
Stacey: Don't clap for us. We're undecided!
Dawn: You can't fight me, because I'm old!
Stacey: Yeah!
Ruth: [Russian accent] Oh, I don't care about that. I will knock your dentures out.
Stacey: Oh, joke's on you. I got implants!
Jenny: Hey, shut up, you weak, geriatrical-type person!
Bash: And so far, it's just insults. Let's see if this Cold War will start heating up soon.
Dawn: I don't feel like wrestling.
Stacey: I wrestled last time.
Bash: Looks like the Biddies are deciding on who will fight first. Oh!
[Ruth and Jenny attack Dawn and Stacey]
Bash: But Zoya the Destroya and Fortune Cookie have pounced on their opponents! The rules have completely gone out the window! Wow, these girls are really disrespecting the elderly.
Stacey: I love you, but not that much.
[Ruth slingshots Jenny, but Dawn and Stacey clothesline her before attacking Ruth]
Bash: The Biddies are making a comeback! Their osteoporosis is in remission, and they're on the attack! And this is not a good day for communism. Fortune Cookie just head-scissored Ethel out of the ring! Fortune Cookie and Zoya are kicking Edna out on her side. Oh, my goodness. It looks like the evil empire has prevailed! Russia and China are tonight's winners!
[Ruth and Jenny shake hands, but Ruth suddenly shoves Keith and grabs Jenny]
Bash: What's this? Looks like Zoya's turning on her partner! She is! She's hammerlocking her. And now it's Russia versus China! The Sino-Soviet split is alive and well, here in California!
[Ruth suplexes Jenny and pins her]
Bash: A suplex! I can't believe it! Zoya has read Fortune Cookie her fortune, and it says, 'Loser'! China is out, folks. Russia's not sharing that crown with anyone!

Ruth: Hey! Are you joining the team? Is she joining the team?
Debbie: Well, it's hard to pass up a starring role.
[looks at Sam]
Debbie: So we need to pick up Randy from my parents' house, and I need chow fun from Two Panda Deli.
Sam: Okay.
[Debbie gets in Sam's car]
Ruth: So, um... so, I'm fired?
Sam: No! Are you an idiot? You're chum. You're blood in the water. Debbie's the hero and you're the villain. Everybody's gonna hate you!
Ruth: I don't want everyone to hate me.
Sam: Oh, Christ. Crying, caring, the desperation. That, that's what makes you unbearable. Look, I don't like you, Strindberg. Take that in. Hold on to it. Try not giving a fuck. There's a lot of power in that.
[Sam approaches his car]
Sam: And relax. The devil gets all the best lines.

Debbie: Fuck. Shit. Where the fuck is that key?
[Debbie notices Cherry exit her room]
Debbie: Hey, Cherry! Oh, good morning. Hi. I'm so sorry, I, uh... Well, had a little bit of an emergency. And... Well, everything's fine, but... I'm just gonna grab my keys, and...
[Cherry grabs Debbie's cigarette from her mouth]
Debbie: Oh, no smoking.
[Cherry smokes the cigarette]
Cherry: Keith thinks I quit.
Debbie: Well, it's my first pack since, since Randy was born, so...
Cherry: So... did Steel Horse live up to the name?
Debbie: Ha ha. They told you.
Cherry: Melrose did. I told her what we do to rats where I come from. Bitch shut up after that.
[Debbie laughs]
Debbie: Yeah.
Cherry: You didn't answer my question.
[hands cigarette back to Debbie]
Debbie: Oh. Um... Yeah, it was good, I guess. You know, it's exciting. It's kind of... So... And fucking weird. I don't know. You know, you're with someone for a long time, and all you think about is the guys you'd get to sleep with is he just, like, disappeared... and then he does. And, and you do, and... You just remember how much easier it is... how much better everything works when, um... it's someone you really know, and, uh, who really knows you.
Cherry: Sounds like horse was less than steely.
Debbie: Oh, no. The horse was steely. Exhaustingly steely. Steely enough that I'm dreading having to pee. So, I gotta get some sleep.
[hands cigarette back to Cherry]
Debbie: Enjoy.
Cherry: Oh, no. You're not getting off that easy. We've got a 5K uphill.
Debbie: 5K?
Cherry: Just you and me.
Debbie: Oh, okay. Give me five minutes to, uh, wash my face and drain my tits.
Cherry: [holding cigarette] You got until I'm done.
Debbie: Okay.
Cherry: Yep.

Debbie: You need to hire someone else, someone without rage issues.
Sam: One's too hot, one's too cold. Goldilocks, why are you fighting the inevitable?
Debbie: Because she fucked my husband!
Sam: Oh, so what? That's life. Get over it already. You still have to wake up and be a professional. You can't just go out and do coke and piss away all your money and screw people who are named after liqueurs. I mean, what happens then?
Debbie: You end up here?
Sam: You end up here.
Debbie: Okay, well, I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. I mean, how much worse can it get?
Sam: Worse? You're young, you're working. I mean, shut the fuck up,
Debbie: I could be at home with my baby.
Sam: Oh, my God! Not this again. Please. Babies are boring. I mean, they don't party, they haven't traveled, they have no sense of irony. And you love this shit. You love being a temperamental star. I know you do. If you were sitting at home with that kid, your life would become just anger and resentment. No work, no husband. You would burn up in a smoldering ash heap of rage and disappointment. You think that's good for you or your boring baby? It's not. Look. Ruth is the right match for you.
Debbie: Sam.
Sam: Because one, she's actually talented, and two, she's gonna make you look great. Hate her all you want.

Bash: Hey! Machu Picchu! What the fuck is going on? We've got Glen Klitnick from the network inside. All right, there's a whole audience here and...
[Bash suddenly notices Carmen sweating profusely]
Bash: Oh, oh, my God. Are you okay?
Carmen: I think I'm having a heart attack.
[Carmen passes out]
Bash: Oh, shit.

[Sam enters the locker room and opens up several lockers to look for something. Cherry then enters the room]
Cherry: Honey, you still doing blow?
Sam: What? No. I'm just, uh... checking driver's licenses. You know, women lie about their age all the time.
Cherry: What happened to that coach?
Sam: I fired him.
Cherry: What? You fired the only guy with any wrestling experience?
Sam: Look, I just don't want to make a dumb wrestling show. I don't wanna just take things out of the playbook, you know.
Cherry: You trying to fuck this up too?
Sam: Come on. I mean, I gave you another job, didn't I? I don't see a lot of directors out there giving you on-camera work.
Cherry: Oh, no. We both haven't worked in a while, so let's not get into a pissing contest. Look, we work good together, right? So let's just get back out there and deal with these amateurs you hired.
Sam: Okay, let's do that. Wanna?
Melanie: Were you guys about to bone? I mean, I can pee in a bucket, I don't care.
Cherry: I'm married.
Sam: But... we did. 1978. It was me, her, and her husband.
[looking at Cherry]
Sam: What, you don't remember that?
Cherry: [looks at Melrose] You need to pee? Pee.
Melanie: Jeez.
[Melrose enters a toilet stall]

Ruth: Did I tell you the casting director offered me porn?
Debbie: Uh... you? The girl who changes under her shirt?
Ruth: I don't do that anymore.
Debbie: [puts on pants] Well... oh, Jesus. Obviously, you shouldn't do porn. Unless it's, like, porn Shakespeare. Since you're such a nerd, you'd probably enjoy that.
Ruth: You know, I miss you making fun of me.
Debbie: Why don't you come visit me in Pasadena, then?
Ruth: Ugh. It's so far away.
Debbie: Come on. I've called you like a million times to hang out. What is going on?
[pause]
Debbie: Ruth, are you okay?
Ruth: It's just... little stupid stuff. You know, like, don't know if I can pay my gas bill. I've got $83 in my bank account, and I'm waitressing all weekend. And I've eaten Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my last... six meals. But hey, you know, I'm gonna do porn. So, things are looking up. Heh.
[Ruth stands up to put on her pants]
Debbie: Can I tell you something that I realized recently?
Ruth: What?
Debbie: When I first got 'Paradise Cove', I was... God, so excited. And then they put me in the year-long coma. And I would lie in that hospital bed, just feeling powerless. And then season three, I graduate to a wheelchair with like, a sad blanket...
Ruth: I'm sorry. How is this supposed to help me?
Debbie: I'm getting there. Everything changed when Mark was like, 'Deb, don't be unhappy. Let's have a baby. I'll support us.' And I was like, 'Yes. Yeah. Why am I working?' Getting pregnant and written off that show, best decision I ever made.
[pause]
Ruth: I choose work.
Debbie: But you're not working. I... Don't you wanna be happy and have a family?
Ruth: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Uh... I think I need to get a boyfriend first. Isn't that how it works?
[giggles]
Debbie: [gets up and grabs bag] Okay.
Ruth: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 'Witness' is playing at the Dome!
Debbie: I can't leave my mom with Randy all day. She'll be feeding him Funyuns and Fresca and government conspiracies.
Ruth: Go. Go, I get it.
[hugs Debbie]

[Arthie does a senton bomb on Rhonda]
Bash: Holy Toledo! Beirut's signature move, the Lebanese Cannonball!
[Arthie celebrates when she notices a group of angry men at ringside]
Spitter: Fuck you, terrorist!
[spits chewing tobacco at Arthie]
Bash: Oh! Uh, and we've got some animated fans in the audience.
Angry: Dirty towelhead!
Angry: Fuck you!
[confused look in Arthie's face]
Bash: And it looks like evil's winning today.
Angry: Go back to the Middle East, dune coon!
[Angry fan throws a beer can at Arthie. Arthie dodges it, but it hits Rhonda in the forehead]
Bash: Oh! We've got a beer drinker here tonight, folks.
Angry: Fuck you!
Bash: That's okay. We're all having a good time.
[Keith checks the wound on Rhonda's forehead before confronting the fans]
Keith: What the fuck is your problem, man? Y'all got to go!
Angry: Screw you!
Keith: You don't want me to come out! I will fuck you up, baldy! And you, Gregg Allman!

Rhonda: Listen up, you little punk. You need to be in school.
Justine: And end up an old spinster librarian like you? No thanks.
Rhonda: I'm not a spinster. I'm a genius. And I get all the boys with my big brain.
Justine: Oh yeah, 'cause guys love a big brain.
Rhonda: Ooh, you little guttersnipe!
[Rhonda and Justine do a lockup]
Rhonda: You're just jealous of my horse!
[Justine releases lockup]
Justine: What horse?
Rhonda: Oh. Sam's getting me a horse.
Justine: Why do you need a horse if you're the brain?
Rhonda: Well, I think he's trying to butter me up for a big part in his next movie, Mothers and Others.
Justine: Mothers and Lovers.
Rhonda: No, I think it as 'Others.' I sort of read it.
Justine: He let you read it?
Rhonda: Well, Sam read it to me. Yeah, but I was sleeping and then I'd wake up and doze off again, and he was reading it, reading, reading... His voice is quite soothing.
Justine: So, you're, like... sleeping with him?
Rhonda: Well, like I said, I'd doze off and then wake up again. It's not great sleep. The sex is nice, though. I'm pretty into it.

Stacey: Well, I'd date him.
Dawn: Stacey!
Stacey: What? He's cute, he's lonely, and his cock works great.
Dawn: You can't believe everything you see on TV.
Keith: And I'm uncomfortable now. Good night, ladies.

Ruth: In this world, there are good guys and there are bad guys. And we are the good guys. You see that name on my door? It's my father's name, son of a bitch. But this isn't about him. This is about justice. This is about holding on to what's ours. This is about my company and my name. And I will not be bullied into submission.
[pause]
Ruth: Whoo! Oh... I just wanna say thank you so much for bringing me in for this. There are not roles like this for women right now. It's really... ooh. It's really great.
Mallory: You were reading the man's part.
[pause]
Ruth: Oh, God. Uh... Sorry. That's... 'cause I just thought Mel was short for Melanie, and, and then the other part was...
Mallory: Would you like to start over?
Ruth: Yes, I would.
Mallory: Okay.
[Assistant turns on camera]
Casting: This is about my firm and my name, and I will not be bullied into submission.
Ruth: [knocks on table] Sorry to interrupt. Your wife is on line two.
Mallory: Okay. Thank you, Ruth.

[the ladies enter the costume room. Tammé puts on a white fur coat]
Tammé: Now this I can get used to.
Sebastian: Play around. Try on everything. Okay, maybe these could help inspire you in your wrestling personas.
Rhonda: Ooh.
Sebastian: That's right. Your wrestling personas.
Tammé: And would Madame Xenothrob, the slaver-pimp, wear fur?
Sebastian: Is that what the fur's telling you? Go with what feels right.
Tammé: Yes.
Rhonda: [wearing astronaut helmet] Look, I'm a beekeeper.
Sebastian: Hmm.
[Bash notices Carmen wearing a hockey mask]
Sebastian: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why so Friday the 13th, huh?
Carmen: I'm a heel. I'm the evil Ogress. I gotta find something that'll scare the kids.
Sebastian: [removes mask] No, no, no. Kids are gonna love you. You're not a serial killer. Look at this face, huh? Look at that smile. You're smiling all the time. No, we need... We need bright colors, fun. Oh, here. Here, try this on.
[Sam grabs a hat]
Sebastian: Here. I got this after I dropped acid and hiked up Machu Picchu.
[Carmen puts on the hat]
Sebastian: Here we go!
Melanie: I really thought I was gonna like this. I thought I was gonna like... 'Oh, Bob Mackie! I need that!'. But it's like, I don't even know who this is. It's a stranger...
Sebastian: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We just gotta strip you down to your essence here.
Melanie: Naked already?
[Bash grabs a whip and gives it to Melrose]
Melanie: Wow. You see me.

[Sam sees Ruth and Bash staring at an art piece]
Sam: Are you guys tripping?
Ruth: We're appreciating this piece of art.
Sam: Oh yeah. I like art that tells you exactly what it is.
[art piece is a neon sign that reads 'Neon']
Sebastian: Can you give us a little alone time?
Ruth: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just hiding from Debbie.
[Sam stares at Ruth]
Ruth: I'll go.
[Ruth walks away]
Sam: So what is this? The old Malibu ambush? You're gonna ply me with some drinks and tell me you don't like my vision?
Sebastian: Sam, I hired you to direct a wrestling show. Which I came up with. It was my idea.
Sam: It was the seed of an idea. I'm... I'm trying to elevate the form.
Sebastian: And that is so bitchin', but can you maybe also not do that? When I said that I wanted something different, I meant the way Ms. Pac-Man is different from Pac-Man. As in, almost the exact same thing, but with a bow in her hair. Not set in the desert after a nuclear war.
Sam: Oh, okay. So I see, you don't want story.
Sebastian: The Iron Sheik. right? What's his story? Where does he come from?
Sam: I don't even know who that is.
Sebastian: He's a fucking wrestler, Sam, okay? And it doesn't matter because he just wears a head scarf and he hates America. That's all you have to do. Bottom line: your ideas are just too complicated. We need to simplify. Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. That's what we're doing here. Gorgeous Ladies. Wrestling.
Sam: Okay. All due respect. Okay, you hired me, because I'm a professional. I know how to do this. I've made eight films; two of which are taught in colleges. I'm not some 25-year-old child who thinks he knows everything. I need a drink.
[Sam walks away]
Sebastian: Try the punch.
Sam: I'm not twelve!

Cherry: All right. So, it goes a little something like this.
[Cherry does a back bump]
Cherry: It's like a belly flop, but on to your back. Let's give it a shot. Carmen, kick us off.
[Carmen does a back bump]
Cherry: Yes! I like it. All right, who's next?
Melanie: [raises hand] You know what? I'll try.
Cherry: All right.
Melanie: Okay.
[Melrose does a sloppy back bump]
Melanie: Shit, that was a disaster. Let me try again. I can do better.
Cherry: Okay.
[Melrose does another sloppy back bump]
Melanie: Crap. I can do it better. Can I go one more time?
Cherry: You're fine.
Melanie: No. I wanna push myself. I wanna work harder.
Cherry: Okay.
[Melrose does a back bump, then suddenly writhes in pain]
Melanie: Oh, my fuck! No! Oh fuck! Oh...
[Melrose sees blood on her hand]
Melanie: Oh my God! What is happening? I thought I might be pregnant. I put my body through too much trauma today. Fuck, this is so painful. Am I having a miscarriage?
Arthie: Okay. I'm pre-med. Are you cramping? Are you experiencing any other symptoms of pain?
Melanie: Oh, fuck!
[pulls out ketchup bottle]
Melanie: Bummer. How am I gonna tell Adam Ant that our precious little baby turned out to be a womb goof?
Cherry: Get the hell out of my ring.
Melanie: De-fucking-lighted.

Debbie: You drag me here at the ass-crack of dawn...
Sam: It's early morning. It's nice. It's... it's quiet.
Debbie: Look, I have tolerated her being here because I, uh... well, I actually enjoy watching you make her feel like shit, but we have an unspoken rule that we stay as far away from each other as possible.
Sam: All right, well, it's time to break that rule. You said, 'Find me a great heel.' And she's a perfect heel for your face.
Debbie: Sam, I am not working with her.
Sam: You are a bright shining star. She is a dirty, nasty, stepped-in-dog-shit heel.
[Ruth runs back in the gym with paper towels to clean the spilled tea]
Sam: You are USA. She's Soviet Union. It's the title card for the pilot. It's the main event, Debbie.
Ruth: [Russian accent] In Soviet Union, we clean with rubles and hide paper towels under mattress.
[pause]
Ruth: Nothing? That was solid.
Sam: She was killing the other day with that. All right? I, I swear.
[looks at Ruth]
Sam: Do the thing I like.
[Ruth gets up]
Ruth: [Russian accent] I am Zoya... the Destroya! You are weak capitalist dog. I am noble Soviet bear!
[pause]
Sam: Okay. Do it in the ring. It'll look better up there.
Ruth: Okay.
[Ruth runs in the ring]
Sam: This way, you can see what she can do. All right? Just watch, Debbie. Watch.

[Patrick prepares the ribbon-cutting ceremony with Rhonda]
Patrick: This is my favorite part. Calabasas homeowners, are you ready to save?
[total silence from the crowd]
Patrick: I can't hear you.
[still total silence, as Patrick prepares to cut the ribbon]
Ruth: [Russian accent] Nyet! Nyet! Stop this disgrace! Patio Town...
[spits on the ground]
Ruth: ... is disgusting. Capitalism at its worst. So much quality. So much choices. One store, 50 different types of chair. In Soviet Union, we have one chair. We take turns to sit in him. You miss your turn, too bad. You sit on floor for rest of year. This is the greatness of communism.
Sam: BOOOOO!
[crowd boos at Ruth]
Bash: Yeah, boo!
Ruth: [Russian accent] Okay, okay. I know why you boo. Because so many cash register. At Patio Town, you never get to stand in line. In Soviet Union, line is like cocktail party. Where else you have conversation and KGB don't hear?
[crowd laughs]
Patrick: Here we go.
[Patrick cuts the ribbon]

Ruth: Maybe we should have a safe word. Something we say if it's, like, mission abort?
Debbie: Well, who is that real estate guy whose name was on a bench outside your old apartment?
Ruth: Human Mabubuifarti?
Debbie: Yeah. God, I love that name.
Sam: Um, does anybody know how to play piano or keyboards?
Sheila the She: I do.
[Sheila exits the toilet stall]
Sam: Good. I have a job for you. Uh, also, I guess I should try to bolster you all. I wish I could tell you there's a full house out there, but there is not. It's respectable. About 20 to 30 people, freaks, some children, a homeless guy. Um... Anyway... Break a leg.
Ruth: Is that 'places'?
Sam: Sure, Ruth. Places.
Ruth: Thank you, places.

Tammé: Seriously?
Cherry: In the past six weeks you've known me, you ever hear me tell a joke?
Tammé: Not on purpose. What did Sam say?
Cherry: Sam wants us to fight two old white ladies. Think how that's gonna look. A rapper and a welfare queen abusing the elderly?
Tammé: When you put it that way...
Cherry: We do my version, we're empowered. We're the heroes. We're like Pam Grier times two. And I used to double her, so I'd know, okay? Unless you wanna spend the next three weeks in a La-Z-Boy hollering about some food stamps.
Tammé: Do you think they'll do it?
Cherry: Do you not see what I see?
[Cherry points at Dawn and Stacey slamming themselves on the wall]
Cherry: You doing great, girls.

Ruth: [Yiddish accent] Shalom, everyone! Shalom! Mazel, mazel! I am Gittel, the Orthodox Warrior! It's all about the Jews now.
Melanie: What the fuck is this?
Ruth: [Yiddish accent] I will beat you with a chicken. I will lock you up with my completely covered legs and guilt you into submission.
Sam: What now?
Ruth: It's my new character. See... Look, you're right, you're right. If Russia can't go to war with America, what's the point? Right? So, I'm gonna take...
[points at Arthie]
Ruth: the terrorist, and we are gonna kill. I'm gonna... I'm gonna build settlements all over your ass, and then you're gonna try to blow me up, but it won't work because I'm too clever and thrifty. And then I'll just... Like I'll enter the ring with 17 children who have those little curls and... Oh God! It's gonna be great! I mean, uh, don't get me wrong. I love the Russians. I love the Russians. Could have gone all the way with the Russians, who are... They're pretty big Streisand fans, by the way. But then again, who isn't? I gotta adjust. So, it's all about going with the flow. Just... Come on, bitch. Watch me drop some Talmud on your head.
Arthie: Um...
Melanie: You don't...
Arthie: I, I've been working on stuff with Melrose.
[frustrated look on Ruth's face]
Ruth: What am I supposed to do?
[pause]
Debbie: [Southern accent] Typical whiny Soviet.
[Debbie drops ice pack and heads down to the ring]
Debbie: [Southern accent] 'What should I do? I'm so cold, so I only dress in gray and build things out of cinder block.' Lousy Commies. You think your nukes are so big? Wait till you get a load of our warheads. Because this is the greatest country on Earth, and I am willing to fight for it.
Sam: Yeah.
Debbie: Let's go, you dirty Russian.

[Debbie storms into the gym, carrying Randy with her]
Debbie: You fucking bitch! Oh, you fucking cunt! I should fucking kill you!
Ruth: Debbie, what are you doing here?
Debbie: Don't play dumb, homewrecker! Husband-fucker!
Ruth: Hold on, hold on, hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
Debbie: Did you sleep with Mark?
Ruth: Don't make me answer that.
[Tammé approaches Debbie]
Tammé: Do you want me to take him for you?
Debbie: Yes. Thank you.
[Debbie hands Randy to Tammé before looking back at Ruth]
Debbie: I wanna hear you say it.
Ruth: Uh...
[nods]
Debbie: [slides into the ring] What the fuck kind of friend are you?
Ruth: I don't love him!
Debbie: What? Oh my God, of course you don't love him! You don't love anyone!
Ruth: I know! I fucked up! You think I don't know that?
[Debbie corners Ruth]
Debbie: How long? How long were you two... What? While I was pregnant?
Ruth: No! God, no! It was one time!
Debbie: Oh, what? What about the other night? That doesn't fucking count? Mark told me the whole fucking thing!
Ruth: I know. I told you, I fucked up!
[Debbie slaps Ruth]

Sam: All right, so we're at a standstill here? Because I've got 40 cues to work through.
Bash: I've never been in this position before. I don't know the right call, so I called the entertainment director to see what the other shows are doing.
Debbie: I don't care what the other shows do. I say we push opening night by a few days.
Sam: Can we do that?
Debbie: Yeah, we're the producers. We're not running things by Glen anymore. We push so we're not the show that danced on the graves of the astronauts.
Bash: Mm-hmm. Yes. But let's also run it by Sandy.
[Sandy walks in and Bash waves at her]
Bash: Hi!
[Sandy gets her coffee before approaching the trio]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Oh, what a morning. I almost crashed my car listening to it on the way in here. How are you all holding up?
Debbie: Everyone's pretty upset.
Sam: Well, it is a fucking tragedy.
Bash: And on opening night. I mean, it's a tough call.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: You know, I was here when the MGM fire happened. Eighty-five people killed. The entire town was devastated. Guests literally suffocated in their beds.
Bash: Mm-hmm.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: But when the dust cleared, my old dance captain, Fluff LeCoque, I don't know if you know Fluff, but...
Bash: Mm-hmm...
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Anyway, Fluff walks into the theater, she takes a deep breath, and she says, 'Well, it doesn't smell like smoke in here.'
[Bash and Sam laugh]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: And you know what? They were back on the stage the next night.
Sam: Hmm.
Debbie: That's terrible.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: No, that's Vegas, Mrs. Howard.
Bash: Oh, no, no, no. This isn't my wife. No, my wife plays the scientist.
Debbie: I'm Debbie Eagan. Also a producer.
[Debbie shakes hands with Sandy]
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I... You know, I've been mistaken for somebody's wife so many times, you would think that I would know better.
Bash: Pfft! Yeah. No, it's me, Debbie, and Sam. We're like the, uh... the, uh, what's the thing with the, the three, the...
Sam: Cerberus?
Sam: What? No. What? What...
Sam: It's a three-headed dog.
Debbie: Three Musketeers?
Bash: There we go.
Sam: Oh, Musketeers.
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Well, sounds like you have everything under control, so, I'll see you tonight.
Bash: You a big wrestling fan?
Sandy Devereaux St. Clair: Uh, I'm a big fan of anything that sells out and gets the people in the casino.

[Rhonda hands Sam her waiver and her window blinds ad as her headshot]
Sam: You seem to be very versatile with window coverings.
Rhonda: Well, I'm from London, so...
Sam: I don't know what that means.
Rhonda: Yeah.

Rhonda: Roger Moore is by far the best Bond.
Sam: Nobody thinks that.

Rhonda: [rapping] GLOW, GLOW, that's the name. Women's wrestling is our game. If we play rough, please don't blame us. Our style is wild, and you know you can't tame us.
Rhonda: [rapping] I'm Britannica from the UK, that's probably why I talk this way. I wear these glasses on my eyes, one day I'll win the Nobel Prize.

Birdie: Well, I believe in 1986, we're not only gonna keep control of the Senate, we're gonna break that liberal choke hold on the House too.
Bash: You see, Birdie? 'The liberal choke hold.' You do like wrestling.
Birdie: Ah. Hello, sweetheart. Aw. Ooh, you smell nice.
[Birdie looks at Debbie]
Debbie: I'm Debbie Eagan. I'm a friend of Bash's.
Birdie: Oh. You certainly wear a lot of makeup.
Debbie: Oh, thank you.
[nervous look on Debbie's face]

Sam: I'm Sam. I'm a filmmaker. Um, people say I have a zany sense of humor. Uh, if you're watching this and you can't stand smokers, I would just fast-forward to the next schmuck. So why am I doing this? I don't know. I guess I've reached that age where I have to admit I'm just looking for a partner I can stand. Uh... who has a great smile and a great figure, who doesn't tear me apart like a banshee every time I make a mistake. You know, someone who's fun, not a hypocrite, under 30. Yeah, uh... So, you know, choose me. Yeah, I'm lonely, and my cock works great.
[smokes]
Sam: Should we do another one?

Ruth: [British accent] Do you normally like to watch her wee? Is that something you fancy?
Sam: All right, okay, shut up.
Ruth: You're fucking her.
Sam: You fucked what's-his-name.
Ruth: He wasn't my boss.
Sam: Right. He was your best friend's husband.
[pause]
Sam: Sorry. That was defensive. I'm sorry.
[pause]
Sam: I have a flaw in my conflict style, according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist. Why did you do it?
Ruth: Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
Sam: Well, for me, it's usually 'cause I'm high, or drunk, or someone has done something to make me feel so small and so insecure, that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist. But you don't seem like that kind of person.
Ruth: What kind of person do I seem like?
Sam: An okay person.
[Rhonda enters the car]
Rhonda: You know, Sam and I are shagging.
[embarrassed look in Sam's face as he starts the car]

Sam: Pat. Pat. Buddy. You may be selling barbecues to moms, but... I see a lot of guys here too. Guys whose lives, quite frankly, didn't work out the way they thought they would. Guys who are wondering just how many more fucking sundials their wives have to show them before their dicks fall off. You know what I'm saying, Pat? You catch my drift? Rhonda, show him what we're talking about.
[Rhonda removes her blouse to reveal her wrestling outfit]
Sam: Huh? Very nice, baby. Yeah. Right?

Stacey: [Hands baby Randy over to Debbie] I know you stopped breastfeeding a while ago, but this kid's got a thing for tits.
Debbie: What can I say? He's a Vegas baby now.

Carmen: Can you guys talk to him? Can you just try?
Big: Dude. He was so pissed when he found that pillow dummy in your bed.
[Bash rushes out of the gym]
Bash: Machu Picchu, wait! Wait up!
[Goliath and his sons are about to board his van. He turns around and sees Bash kissing Carmen]
Bash: I understand the shackles of family expectations. Your father's got nothing on my mother. Trust me, just go with it.
[Bash and Carmen approach the van]
Bash: Introduce me to your family.
Carmen: Dad, this is my boyfriend.
Bash: My name's Sebastian Howard, and, uh, your daughter and I are very much in love.
Carmen: We take our relationship very seriously.
Bash: But it's also new, and we're taking things very slow.
Carmen: But not too slow, 'cause... I'm moving in with him.
Goliath: You wanna wrestle? You need to learn how to sell. You're both terrible.
Carmen: Fine. I lied.
Goliath: You've been lying for weeks. Going on about this new job at Macy's.
Carmen: Yeah, because you wouldn't have let me audition. I'm 25, Dad. I don't need your permission. It's my life. You can be supportive or I can leave, like Mom.

[Ruth plays message on answering machine]
Mallory: Is that... am I... Oh, I didn't... I didn't hear the beep. Ruth. Hi, it's Mallory. There's an audition. I'm not running it. They're looking for unconventional women, whatever the hell that means, and I thought of you. I'll have my girl follow up with the details. It's not porn. If you ever accost me in the bathroom again, you'll be blacklisted from every casting call in Los Angeles. Good luck!

[Sam joins Bash in the backyard fire]
Sam: I'm not easy to work with. I know that. I'm cranky, and I-I don't take criticism well, and I don't like being told what to do.
[pause]
Sebastian: Is that an apology?
Sam: Apologies, compromise... not my bag. As my ex-wife will tell you. I-I just don't get it, man. I mean... why'd you hire me if you don't like my work?
Sebastian: What are you talking about, Sam? Your fucking movies are hysterical.
Sam: They're not comedies.
Sebastian: Oh.
[pause]
Sam: I'll tell you what. We'll do it your way. All right? I'll make your show. I'll listen. I'll... compromise. In return...
Sebastian: You can't have Florian, okay? He's too valuable to me.
Sam: I don't want your fucking butler. I want you to read my script.
Sebastian: The one from this morning?
Sam: No. No, another one. I-I've been trying to get it made for years, alright. But nobody gets it and no one wants to pay for it.
Sebastian: I don't need to read it. I'll make it.
Sam: You should read it. It's pretty fucking wild. There's, there's, like, uh, time travel, Oedipal shit...
Sebastian: Sam, look at me. You make GLOW, I will make any... crazy time-travel sex-romp movie you want. What's it called?
Sam: Mothers and Lovers. Don't say anything. I don't want notes. It's a great title.
[pause]
Sebastian: Sam, I love it. It's deep.

Sebastian: Ronnie takes out his pen, signs the picture, and he says, 'It's a good thing Bonzo is a Democrat. Otherwise, he'd have won the nomination.'
[the ladies laugh]
Debbie: You're hilarious.
Sam: Ladies. Hi. I see you've met... Sebastian Howard, our producer.
Sebastian: Uh, 'Bash', please.
Sam: Just know that he's the one signing your checks, so, be nice.
Sebastian: I don't like to talk about money, okay? I'm the patron of the arts. And wrestling is an art, despite my mother's opinion, which is wrong.
Sam: I thought you were in Peru.
Sebastian: Yeah. I... I... I came back early. Loving the casting!
[grabs Sheila]
Sebastian: Even Miss Serious over here. So, so, so, what, what moves have you guys learned?
Cherry: We've been mostly learning to fall on our backs without hurting ourselves.
Arthie: And pain faces.
Sebastian: W-w-what about, uh, powerbombs? Or, or DDTs? Salty's famous for his DDTs. Where is Salty, by the way?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, Bash. Salty didn't work out. Cherry's our new wrestling coach now.
[Cherry waves at Bash]
Sebastian: Um... d-does she have any wrestling experience?
Cherry: Um... I'm right here.
Sam: Yeah, all right. Anyway, you know that fans are gonna tune in for the moves, but they're not gonna stay tuned in unless we give them what, ladies?
Reggie: Blood!
Melanie: Tits!
Sam: Storytelling. Storytelling.
Melanie: Oh.
Sam: Now, I know it's exciting to be in the midst of a big-shot producer, but I have something even shinier. A script. Hot off the Xerox. I only made ten copies, so we're gonna have to share 'em. And I'm just gonna cast as we move along, starting with Ruth.
Ruth: Yes! Anything you need.
Sam: Uh, yeah. I'm gonna need you to read stage directions.
[disappointed look in Ruth's face]

[Sam exits his office to face the candidates]
Sam: Okay. Five minutes, everybody.
[Ruth storms in the gym, wearing makeup and a wrestling costume]
Ruth: Hey!
[Ruth points at Sam]
Ruth: You're wrong about me.
Sam: Yeah, I doubt it.
Cherry: Damn, girl.
[Ruth enters the ring. She takes off her cape and struggles to throw it out of the ring]
Ruth: How long must this... go on? This punishment? Haven't I served my term?
[stomps on ring]
Ruth: Can't I apply... for a pardon?
[grabs stool and threatens to throw it]
Ruth: You know what I feel like? I feel... all the time... like a cat...
[hisses]
Ruth: ...on a hot tin roof.
[stomps on ring, then does a forward roll]
Ruth: ...who has come here to save...
[jumps on the turnbuckle and points at the other candidates and Sam]
Ruth: You! And you! And You! From evil.
[gets down from turnbuckle and jumps to the ropes, barely balancing herself]
Ruth: Train. Say your prayers. Eat your vitamins. 'Cause, uh...

Jenny: You know that stuff you're always telling us about how you can't say MacDeath or whatever in the theater? Do you think it's true?
Ruth: Do I think it's bad luck that a shuttle fell out of the sky on our opening night? Yes, Jenny, I do.

Sam: Resume gets a little thin after 1979.
Cherry: Movies get a little white after 1979. You've seen my stunts. I can kick. I can punch. I can do horse work, car work.
Sam: Yeah, yeah. I know you can double. But can you act?
[Cherry pretends to point a gun at Sam]
Cherry: Freeze, motherfucker.
[Sam puts his hands up]
Sam: Next.
[Arthie walks forward, looking at Cherry]
Arthie: Wow.
Sam: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to do that too.

Tammé: Hot damn, I made the list!
Melanie: Everyone made the list, Tammé. It's a lineup.
Tammé: [noticing she's teaming up with Cherry against Dawn and Stacey] Our names are together, fighting the Beatdown Biddies. I guess that means we're a team now.
Cherry: I wonder why.
Rhonda: Oh, mine has got a star next to it. 'Cause I'm bright, like a star.
Carmen: I think that means you're supposed to win the match.
Rhonda: Oh, so, um, I'm a star and a winner.
Melanie: Oh, yep.
[the ladies leave while Ruth and Debbie look at the lineup]
Ruth: Well, guess it's official.
Debbie: Yeah. They spelled your name wrong.

Sheila the She: [after the Challenger explosion] Come on, don't worry. It was only the local news.
Carmen: Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
Ruth: I made fun of a national tragedy on live TV.
Carmen: You were just being a good heel. And... we don't know if it's a tragedy. Maybe they survived.
Sheila the She: The shuttle plunged into the ocean. They're dead.

[the ladies enter the Hayworth ballroom and notice the ring and seats]
Melanie: Holy shit. Okay, this is real. There are cameras.
Dawn: Does anyone else feel the need to pee and puke at the same time?
Stacey: Yeah.
Tammé: How are we gonna fill all these seats?
Bash: Oh, hey, ladies.
[Bash crawls in the ring]
Bash: What do you think, huh? Me and Florian and some of the bellhops have been working on it all morning. Check this out.
[Bash grabs the microphone]
Bash: Are you ready to rumble?
[loud feedback from mic]
Bash: Check.
Ruth: We gotta deal with that mic. Sheila?
Sheila the She: Yep. Sound. I'm on it.
[Sheila approaches the ring]
Bruce: Uh, hey, is the director around? We gotta position these tripods.
Ruth: Oh, no. No, no, no, no no. No tripods. Sorry.
Arturo: The network said they want to keep it simple.
Ruth: Well, the director's going for something a little, uh... different, you know? Uh, he wants the shots to feel... visceral.
Bruce: So, handheld.
Ruth: Yes, exactly. Move around with us, uh, pace the perimeter of the ring, both of you.
Bruce: Look, if we're both on the perimeter of the ring, you're gonna see at least one of us in every shot.
Ruth: You'll figure it out.

Sam: All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children. Or may... Or maybe it is. Maybe you're... You're really never too young to know about this country's racial history.
Keith: You guys got somebody over here for me?
Stacey: Come at me! Come at me!
Keith: Over here, who we got? All right. Let's go.
[Cherry puts Stacey in a headlock, but Stacey punches her in the stomach and trips her before smothering her with her outfit]
Sam: Ho ho! Ref, that's not legal. Get in there.
[Keith breaks the hold before Cherry gets up]
Cherry: I got this. Let's go, cracker.
[Cherry kicks Stacey]
Sam: Oh, this isn't as awful as I thought. Looks like the blacks have the upper hand. Helter Skelter, here we come.
[Cherry tags in Tammé]
Sam: Not looking good for the white supremacists
[Tammé grabs Stacey and puts her in an airplane spin before dropping her. She then chases after her before ripping her white sheet and pulling off her mask. Stacey runs out of the ring]
Stacey: We weren't supposed to show our faces!
[Dawn and Stacey run off]
Keith: Oh, we got some winners. Let's go, ladies. Welfare Queen and Junkchain!
[crowd cheers for Cherry and Tammé]
Sam: All right, it looks like the Black Panthers, or whatever they're supposed to be, have won. Justice has been served. Jesse Jackson will be our next President.

Ruth: Um... Ruth Wilder. I have a 10 a.m. appointment.
Receptionist: Hi, Ruth. If you could just sign in for me.
Ruth: Sure.
Receptionist: And... If you could sign these for me as well.
Ruth: Mm-hmm.
Receptionist: The doctor will answer any questions that you and your boyfriend might have.
Ruth: Oh, we're not...
Sam: Oh, I'm not her boyfriend. I'm her husband.
[shocked look in Ruth's face]
Sam: Common mistake. You know, sort of like... having sex without a condom. Right?
Receptionist: It's good that you're here.
Sam: Just wasn't the right time for us, you know. I could've pulled out, but... just got lazy. Lucky for us, we hate children. Right, honey?
Receptionist: Please have a seat.
Ruth: Thanks.

Ruth: [On the phone with Russell] Hey.
Russell: What a fucking morning. Were you watching?
Ruth: Yep.
Russell: Are you okay?
Ruth: Not really. So happy you're coming tonight.
Russell: Yeah, so, about that, um... I got called in to work. K-DTV needs 'man on the street post-tragedy' coverage. They're paying me overtime, which should cover the cost of our last phone bill.
[pause]
Russell: I'm sorry. I really wanted to be your date for opening.
Ruth: That's okay. Go to work. I'll call you later.
Russell: Good luck tonight.
[Ruth hangs up]

Keith: All right, first song to come on, it's an omen.
Melanie: Oh, no. I do not believe in radio voodoo.
[Keith turns on radio, which plays Howard Jones' 'Things Can Only Get Better']
Melanie: Oh.
Keith: Yeah.
Melanie: Oh, shit. It's a sign. Turn it up!
Keith: Yeah.

Gregory: You wanna feel Russian, you must drink vodka.
[Ruth and Gregory toast and drink]
Ruth: Oh. Wow. That's... strong. Guess I'd better get used to it.
[Russian accent]
Ruth: Zoya drinks like a sailor and swears like a fish.
Gregory: Fish don't talk.
Ruth: Hoo. Really feeling that. Probably should've had breakfast.
Gregory: You want some sturgeon on rye bread?
Ruth: Aw, look at you being a considerate date.
Gregory: This is not date. I have woman, sometimes. She gets mad at me. She says, uh, I don't take her out enough.
[Ruth looks at the ice sculpture of a horse head used to serve vodka]
Ruth: So... what's with the horse head.
Gregory: My cousin Michael is chess champion. Eighteen-and-under division. Very good.
Ruth: Oh, so, this is, like, a celebration for him or... ? Did he die? I can't tell from the faces.
Gregory: He's new to America. Was very difficult for him to get out. So, we sponsor him, make big noise. And Russia likes Jews only slightly more than faggots.
Ruth: Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish.
Gregory: I wear a giant chai.
Ruth: Oh... I thought that was a cat.
Michael: [Russian] No! No! I change my mind. Fuck religion! Don't touch my penis!
[two men drag Michael to a chair]
Ruth: What's going on?
Gregory: His bris. Now that we're in America, we're free to be Jews. Is covenant. We celebrate.
[Gregory gives Ruth another shot of vodka]
Michael: Nyet!

[Debbie lands the flying cross body for the pin]
Bash: This match is over, folks!
Debbie: [whispers] You okay?
Ruth: [whispers] You flew! It was epic! Go get your Crown!
Bash: Zoya's been destroya'd! I can't believe it! I can't believe it, folks! Just when I thought I'd seen it all, a young country girl jumps out of the stands, into the ring, winning it all!
[Bash enters the ring]
Bash: Honey, what's your name?
Debbie: [Southern accent] My name... My name is Liberty Belle. And I'm just a small-town girl, trying to do the right thing, the thing that any American girl would do in the face of evil, and that, no matter how... I'm so overwhelmed! Thank you all!
[Bash hands the GLOW Crown to Debbie]
Bash: It's a beautiful moment on a beautiful day. There's your crown, sweetheart. Like a princess.

Carmen: They call me Machu Picchu, the Peruvian Fortress. Strong and proud. I'm a good guy.
Sam: Girl.
Carmen: I'm a good girl.

Debbie: I know you're trying to help, but what kind of asshole makes his secretary call his ex-wife to get the model number of his ex-bed?

Debbie: What do you think of Sandy?
Sam: I think she's probably dynamite in the sack.
Debbie: I don't like her.
Sam: Well, sure. Nobody likes the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Debbie: I forgot how much I love talking to you.
[Ruth approaches them]
Ruth: Hear me out. We have Britannica, a character in our show who could easily speak to this morning's events. How sometimes even the smartest people get things wrong. Like, how we thought the world was flat. Or... bloodletting.
Debbie: Ruth, please let this go.
Ruth: It just happened. And putting on a show is about having a shared emotional experience, so... It's Liberty Belle, Britannica, or Zoya, in an act of genuine Soviet contrition.
Sam: Okay. Look, Ruth, I know you made fun of national heroes as they plunged to their deaths. And... And you feel guilty. I... I get it. But unless we make this show a group therapy session and bring up the house lights, and everybody joins hands and starts talking about their feelings, you're not gonna get what you're lookin' for.

Cherry: Don't bring shit up like that, man.
Sam: What? History is a beautiful thing.
[Sam opens a locker and grabs a bag]
Sam: Oh! I haven't talked to you since the... you know, the... the whole...
Cherry: What?
Sam: Uh... womb goof.
Cherry: Miscarriage?
Sam: Yeah. I was trying to come up with a tactful euphemism.
Melanie: I hear nothing. I'm not hearing anything.
Cherry: It was two years ago, and I'm fine. Again, can you keep my business to yourself?
Sam: Just trying to be sensitive.
[Sam opens the bag and finds several script books, revealing the bag to be Ruth's]
Sam: Oh, yes.
Cherry: What the hell are you up to?
[Sam grabs Ruth's phone book]
Sam: Hold on. Here we go. Okay.
[Sam turns the pages and rips the one with Debbie's address before returning the book to the bag]
Sam: I got my methods. Trust me.
[as Sam walks out, Melrose exits the toilet stall]
Melanie: Oh, I trust him. Who doesn't trust a man with a mustache full of coke?

Cherry: Man, that Debbie. You can't tell that girl anything.
[Keith clears his throat, revealing his striped shirt]
Cherry: You going to a costume party?
Keith: Oh, that, uh, producer guy stopped by this afternoon. He said he heard I was available. Meet your new ref.
Cherry: What?
Keith: Yeah.
[Cherry runs and hugs Keith]
Keith: I'mma call every match for you.
Cherry: I only have one, and it's a tag-team match. I don't even get my own damn fight.
Keith: So, so, so? You will shine, no matter how many people are in that ring, okay? Just, uh, you know, add a little extra something-something.
Cherry: A little something?
Keith: Yeah, like a little...
[does some dodging moves]
Cherry: Like a little...
[imitates Keith]
Cherry: Like this?
Keith: Yeah. A little...
Cherry: A sprinkle like this?
[Keith grabs Cherry and drops her on the bed]
Keith: I'mma come in, like, 'One! Two! Three! Out!'
Cherry: We do not say, 'Out'!
Keith: You sure?

Ruth: [Russian accent] Please. You love to hate me! Russia is supreme world leader!
Bash: And here comes the Crown.
[Florian enters the ring with the GLOW Crown]
Ruth: [Russian accent] I am victorious. No one can defeat Zoya! Everyone here is too much sissy! Okay?
Debbie: I'll fight you!
Bash: Who's that? Who's that yelling from the audience?
Debbie: You heard me. I said I'll fight you.
Ruth: [Russian accent] Who, you? Bored housewife in dress?
Debbie: Yeah. I am a proud American mother. And I refuse to raise my children in a world without freedom. And I'm ready to kick your Soviet ass all the way back to Siberia.
[Debbie rips her dress to reveal a wrestling outfit underneath and hands it to Mark]
Bash: Look at this brave American.
Debbie: Honey, will you just hold this? If this is too silly for you, you can leave.
[Debbie enters the ring]
Bash: This gorgeous stranger is taking on Zoya for the Crown!

Gregory: I have woman, sometimes. She thinks I don't give enough pleasure with mouth.
Billy: I really like this girl, man... but I can't seem to say anything right.
Gregory: Hmm... Maybe you give pleasure with mouth. You don't talk so much, you don't say wrong things.
Billy: That's a thought.

Sam: Can you hang back a few minutes? Doesn't look good, us going in together. Need to keep it professional.
Rhonda: It's not professional. We're shagging.

[Debbie and Ruth are on TV promoting GLOW's opening night in Vegas during the Space Shuttle Challenger's launch]
Ruth: [as Zoya] What about Yuri? Dog, Laika?
Debbie: [as Liberty Belle] Well, you keep launching your puppies. We are sending school teachers into space, because here in America, we believe in, well, dreaming big. God bless the, uh... what was it? Oh yeah. The U.S. Challenger.
Ruth: [as Zoya] Why you so proud of Challenger? Challenger means second place. Is terrible name.
[Bash and Rhonda watch the interview in their penthouse suite]
Bash: Good one, Ruth.
Dave the Reporter: Okay, ladies, it's time. Let's go live to the Challenger.
Bash: Oooh, I love this part.
Rhonda: I'm not even sure where they're going.
Bash: They're going to space.
Rhonda: Yeah, but like, where in it?
[the Space Shuttle Challenger launches]
Ruth: [as Zoya] Bye-bye. Hope you don't run out of gas.
Ruth: [as Liberty Belle] At least we can afford it. Gosh, would you look at that glorious display of American genius? Soaring across the sky. Hey, it's like a shootin' star.
Ruth: [as Zoya] That puny rocket look like child toy. It's probably not even real. It's pretend, like your Ronald Reagan Star Wars. I spit on this Challenger mission. And who is this Christa? She is high school educator? What's she going to do? She going to chaperone prom on rocket ship? Maybe I Challenge-r crew to chess game, how is that? Then we see who is really superior brain.
[Debbie stops smiling and nudges Ruth]
Debbie: Ruth.
Ruth: What?
[Ruth sees the TV and covers her mouth]
Ruth: Oh, my God.
[the Challenger has exploded]
Debbie: Okay, can we... can we cut? We need to cut.

[as Debbie puts on the GLOW Crown, Tammé slides in the ring and grabs it from her. She then grabs the mic]
Tammé: You want this crown back? You fight me for it!
Debbie: Tammé, it's fine. It's over.
Tammé: Guess not. Sam changed it.
[faces the crowd]
Tammé: America, you have turned your back on me long enough! You've ghettoized my people, trapped us in an endless cycle of poverty. Not anymore. Tonight, I take back what I deserve!
[Tammé grabs Debbie in an airplane spin]
Bash: It's all gone topsy-turvy, folks! Welfare Queen's stolen the Crown, and she's helicoptering Liberty Belle! I'm just saying that I'm seeing, and I can't believe what I'm seeing!
[Tammé slams Debbie down and shoves Bash out of the ring]
Bash: And the ref's ready to call it! We've got a new champion! I don't know how it happened, but here we are, folks!
Debbie: What the fuck?
Bash: Welfare Queen is tonight's Queen of the Ring! The Crown is hers!
[the other ladies enter the ring and brawl with each other]
Bash: That's our show, folks! That's all we got. Total pandemonium here at the Hayworth! Who will battle Welfare Queen for next week's Crown?

Cherry: Melanie, do the moves.
Melanie: Those are my moves, kid. I mean, they're the moves that got me cast in the porn dance party in Body Double.
Ruth: Please, as if you worked with De Palma.
Melanie: I did. So...
[Melrose charges at Ruth, causing her to back up and hit the top turnbuckle with her arm]
Ruth: Ow!
Cherry: Strindberg, you okay?
Ruth: I'm fine. I'm fine.
Cherry: [approaches Melrose] What the fuck was that?
Melanie: I took her by surprise. You know, to win. 'Cause that's the whole point of the whole thing.
Cherry: The point is to do it safely. You could've seriously hurt her.
Ruth: It's all part of the process. Ah. Delayed pain.
Cherry: You know what? I don't have time to deal with spoiled little bitches who don't take anything seriously.
Melanie: [chuckles] You don't even know me.
Cherry: Oh, sweetie. I know you. You never had a real job. Your daddy pays all your bills, but you don't let anybody know unless you get really drunk. You drive a limo because you want someone, anyone, to think you're interesting. Tell me I'm wrong.
[pause, then Cherry walks away]

Melanie: Who are you?
Rhonda: I'm Britannica.
Melanie: Because you're British?
Rhonda: No, 'cause I'm smart, like Encyclopedia Britannica.
Melanie: Oh. Nerd versus party girl. Classic structure!
[gives Rhonda a high-five]
Rhonda: Okay, so... maybe I can hit you with my book.
Melanie: You can try.
Rhonda: Like this?
[Britannica hits Melrose in the thigh with her book]
Melanie: Ow! Stop hitting me with knowledge!

Bash: Whoo! All right. Those mics are hotter than Kelly LeBrock. Where's Sam? Does he wanna test the levels?
Ruth: Uh, Sam had a family emergency.
Bash: What? He doesn't have any family.
Ruth: That's the emergency. So, we're gonna need you to announce.
[pause]
Ruth: I know. It's kind of a curveball, but...
Bash: No. I brought my tuxedo. I... I was born for this moment.
Ruth: Great. Uh, so, I wrote all your lines...
Bash: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm probably gonna embroider these a tad, okay? But, uh... Whoa. Since when does this thing end with a, a tag-team match?

[as the ladies practice their lockups, Melrose and Rhonda start singing]
Melanie: [singing] Hold me now. Oh, oh, warm my heart. Stay with me. Let loving start, let loving start. Oh, hold me now...
Cherry: Some of us are trying to work.
Melanie: They're slow dancing. They just fully did a spin.
Reggie: Ow! That's not what we practiced.
[Reggie carries Arthie to the corner]
Cherry: All right, um...
[points at Ruth]
Cherry: You.
[points at Melrose]
Cherry: And you.
Melanie: Oh.
Cherry: Let's see what you got.
Melanie: Okay.
[gets off the top turnbuckle]
Melanie: Come on, drama nerd. Hold me now.
Ruth: Okay.
[they get into a lockup]
Ruth: I think it's like this. And then I'm gonna spin around, and we're gonna put your arm around my neck.
Melanie: Okay.
[Ruth grabs Melrose's arm and turns around]
Ruth: Then here, like this...
Melanie: And then just sort of, you know, like this...
[Melrose starts grinding her hips against Ruth's back]

Steel: I sell it, but he's the one with the real strength, the real craft. That's how it is with the bad guys. They're craftsmen.
Debbie: You mean the heel.
Steel: Superfan over here. Yeah. The heel makes the face. Rick has been making me look good for years.
Debbie: That's a good friend.
Steel: We're not friends. You don't have to be friends to wrestle. It's like... an unspoken language. I look at him like this, he looks at me like that. And we know what's gonna go down. Because that's a partnership, you know? We don't like each other, but we make each other better. Shit in the ring, it's just entertainment. But there's gotta be something there that's real. That's what makes it work. That's what makes it hit you. Right... here.
[Steel horse places his hand on Debbie's chest]
Melanie: Debbie? It's getting late.
Steel: It's cool. You probably gotta go home to your boyfriend or your husband or whatever.
Debbie: Uh, you know what? I am actually recently separated, so...
Steel: Oh.
Debbie: Mm-hmm.
Melanie: Debbie, don't make me be the rules person. I'm not emotionally equipped for it.
Debbie: You know what? Why don't you just, just, uh... just take my car.
Carmen: Are you sure?
Debbie: I'll, I'll take a cab. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Melanie: Fantastic. Bye.
Carmen: If Cherry finds out.
Debbie: You know, I'll deal with Cherry. Bye.
Carmen: [waving at Steel Horse] Thanks for having us.
Debbie: Yeah, yeah. Bye.
[Melrose and Carmen leave the dressing room]
Steel: Separated?
Debbie: Yeah.
Steel: I feel bad for your husband.
Debbie: Really? 'Cause I don't give a shit.

Sam: What the hell are these camera guys doing? You're in each other's shots! Get... Just... Jesus Christ.
Justine: Next time, maybe you should give them some direction.
[pause]
Sam: Yeah, well, next time... you know, don't fucking run away so I have to come looking for you when I'm supposed to be directing a goddamn television show.
[pause]
Justine: Costumes look good.
Sam: Yeah. Who the fuck knows?
Justine: Might cut together.
Sam: Maybe
[pause]
Justine: You wanna make out again?
Sam: What?
Justine: Kidding. Jeez.

Ruth: Hey, Tammé, you're on.
Tammé: I'll be there in a second.
Ruth: [Ruth notices the ladies watching the Challenger disaster replay on TV] What is that?
Sheila the She: The Florida coast. We're just staring at the water where they crashed.
Carmen: I feel like if we keep watching, something might change.
Melanie: Ugh, this is like when my grandma was in a coma. We all just sat there, like sitting was gonna do something.
Cherry: Sometimes it does.
Melanie: Um, it didn't. She loved to keep people waiting.
Carmen: [Jenny enters the dressing room with some lit incense sticks and a bowl of ash and places them on the table] Jenny, there are no windows in here.
Jenny: Well, if there were, it'd be much easier to let out the bad energy.
Melanie: Well, if there were, it'd be much easier to let out the bad energy.
Jenny: I'm not. But my aunt once got into this really big car accident, and my dad said it was because our living room was painted purple.
[Jenny looks at Melrose, whose outfit is purple]

Debbie: Are we sure this is the right channel?
Cherry: Yes.
Melanie: Yes.
Arthie: Are people gonna like it? What if no one watches? What if it turns out we can't wrestle, and we only thought we could. I don't wanna watch.
[Arthie tries to get up]
Ruth: Shh, shh. It's starting!
Bash: [from TV] Bash Howard Productions and Patio Town Inc. proudly present, From the Hayworth Hotel in Los Angeles, California, It's GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!

Ruth: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But isn't a bris supposed to happen when you're a baby? I mean, if you can scream for vodka, maybe you're a little too old.
Gregory: In Russia, it wasn't option. We had to live in secret. Now, he's in America, he gets to be who he is.
Ruth: Oh... like Yentl. Yentl had to come to America to be who she was.
[Michael overhears Ruth talking about Yentl]
Gregory: Yes, Michael and me and all our relatives, we're just like Yentl.
Michael: [Russian] Is she going to sing something from Yentl?
Gregory: [Russian] Don't encourage her.
Ruth: Yentl!
Michael: [Russian] But, but I love Barbra Streisand. And it's my party.
Gregory: [Russian] Does anyone have a microphone?
Ruth: What's happening?
Gregory: Michael want you to sing song from Yentl.
[Gregory hands Ruth a microphone]
Russian: You sing from Yentl, da?
Gregory: You know Yentl?
Ruth: Come on. Everybody knows Yentl.
[Ruth approaches Michael]
Ruth: This is for my buddy right here. You've had a very rough day. So picture me in a little cap and glasses, okay, pretending to be a man. Ahem...
[pause]
Ruth: [singing] There are moments you remember all your life, there are moments you wait for and dream of all your life. This is one of those moments...
Michael: [singing] Moments...
Ruth: [singing] I will always remember this chair, that window...

Stacey: You okay?
Dawn: Yeah, I'm just trying to remember where I was when Martin Luther King got murdered.
Stacey: Oh, God, Dawn.
Dawn: I'm uncomfortable. What if people freak out? What if they put us on a watch list? What if Bill Cosby gets mad at us?
Stacey: Will you relax? They're not gonna know it's us. That's, that's why they wore these things in the first place.
Dawn: What if they recognize our shoes?
Stacey: They won't. Look, it's not racist if the black girls came up with the idea, right?
Dawn: Right. Yes. It was their idea. So, it's not us. It's them.
[pause]
Stacey: Ready?
Dawn: Ready.
[Dawn and Stacey put on their white masks]
Stacey: Oh, goddamnit.

Debbie: What the fuck was that?
Sam: What? You guys had your sneaky little plan, I had mine.
Ruth: It's called a work.
Sam: Well, mine was called, 'Don't be fucking predictable.'
Ruth: Ours wasn't predictable. It was a tag-team match into a double-cross into a phoenix rising from the crowd, which is all very surprising.
Sam: Yeah, and then the American hero wins the Crown? Come on.
Debbie: So, what? Now it's all about trying to win the Crown back from Welfare Queen?
Sam: Yeah. The money's in the chase. I think I'm gonna roll credits over this mayhem.
[Sam walks toward the ring]
Ruth: I think our match was good.
Debbie: I mean, I'm sure I'll hate it when I see it, but it felt good.
Ruth: Debbie, we were great.
[pause]
Ruth: You wanna grab a drink?
Debbie: No. We're not there.

Regina: Justine? Uh, uh, someone is here to see you.
[Sam arrives in the house]
Regina: You kids want anything?
Billy: No. Thanks, Mom.
Sam: I'll take some coffee.
Regina: Oh.
Sam: Thank you.
Justine: How did you find me?
Sam: I called the pizza place. I ordered a pizza. I shook down the kid who brought it, and he sang like a canary.
[looks at Billy]
Sam: So you must be the famous Billy.
[Billy stands up]
Sam: Relax with the standing and sticking your chest out. I'm just here to talk.
Justine: I don't have anything to say to you.
Sam: Look, I'm sorry I tried to fuck you, okay? I-If you'd told me you were my daughter, I would never had done that.
[pause, then Sam turns around to look at Regina]
Regina: Milk? Sugar?
Sam: Oh, uh, black. Thank you.
Justine: So this is my fault.
Sam: Look, I get that there's no great way to deliver this news, okay? But, but, but coming out here and pretending to audition for a show that I'm directing, and then following me around like some crazed fangirl, I mean, definitely, you know, made it, you know, worse. Th-That's all I'm saying.
Justine: I just... wanted to meet you. That was it. That was all I'd figured out. It wasn't like... some diabolical plan.
Sam: Is your name really Justine?
Justine: Yes. Justine Victoria Biagi.
Sam: That's a nice name. So, are you coming to the show? We've got a ballroom or something down at the Hayworth.
Justine: I don't actually care about wrestling. I didn't do any of this so I could wrestle.
Sam: All right. Well, listen, kid. I-It can only get better from here. I-I think. I hope. That, that's what I'm holding on to.

Mark: This is insane. It's fucking insane!
Debbie: It's not insane. It's a job.
Mark: I mean, you, you, you won't even talk to me. But Ruth?
Debbie: We're working together.
Mark: Is this some sort of elaborate ploy?
Debbie: You sound crazy.
Mark: I sound crazy? You joined a wrestling television show! Yeah, I guess you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't... put... Fuck!
Debbie: It wasn't a fucking trailer park.
Mark: I was out there watching you and I was like, 'I, I don't even know who this woman is. Truly, she's a stranger.'
Debbie: How did you even find me?
Mark: I followed your parents when they dropped off Randy last week.
Debbie: Like a stalker.
Mark: No, like a man who's sick of wondering where the fuck his wife and child are! And then the Russian guy at the desk was kind enough to invite me to the live girl-on-girl wrestling match starring daytime television's former Laura Morgan, which is also mind-blowing! You put your name on this trash?
Debbie: Fuck you, Mark! You always fucking do this. Whatever success I have, whatever good thing that I have built, you wanna piss all over it!
[Mark pulls a document from his jacket]
Mark: Fine. Here.
Debbie: What, are these fucking divorce papers?
Mark: Guess you better get yourself a lawyer.

[Melrose inserts coins in soda machine, but the soda bottle is jammed]
Melanie: Fuck my mother in her fucking cunt! I'm thirsty! Fuck you!
[Melrose notices Debbie and Carmen all dressed up]
Melanie: What are you looking at?
[Debbie and Carmen walk away]
Melanie: Oh, you guys are friends now? That's cute. Are you guys going out? 'Cause Cherry's gonna have a shit fit if you guys aren't back by curfew.
Debbie: Tell.
Melanie: Can I come?

Earnest: Mom, I'm worried this director is taking advantage of you.
Tammé: He's not. You don't understand, it's a wrestling show. I'm not the only offensive character. Everyone's offensive.

Debbie: If you wanna do something more than nod and eat a salad, and make a pretty cry-face, you are punished.

Salty: Next.
[Ruth and Carmen crawl into the ring, preparing to do the hair mare. Carmen is about to grab Ruth by the hair when Ruth backs away]
Ruth: Please! I beg you! I am not your enemy!
Carmen: You stole.
Ruth: Bread. For my family!
Sam: W-What the fuck is this?
Salty: Just do the move.
Ruth: We are. We are. We're just motivating it with backstory.
[pause, then Ruth reminds Carmen of her next line]
Ruth: [singing] There is a law...
Carmen: There is a law, and you broke it. And now, you will pay the ultimate price.
[Carmen extends her hand before Ruth approaches to have her hair pulled]
Sam: Okay, all right. That's it. Number 30, number 22, thank you.
Ruth: What? Why?
Sam: What do you mean, 'Why?' I gave you basic direction. You didn't follow it. You're both out.
Ruth: There are no scenes to read, no character work, so yes, we improvised.

[Debbie offers her bed for sale]
Henry: Is there anything wrong with it?
Debbie: No, it's in mint condition.
Henry: Did somebody die on it?
Debbie: Only my marriage.
Henry: There must be something wrong with it. One hundred dollars. I'm a handyman, I have tools on the truck. I can take it now.
Debbie: Five hundred.
Henry: One hundred.
[pause]
Debbie: Five hundred.
Henry: My mother's moving in with us. I don't think she'll spend her remaining years sleeping on her son's old twin bed.
[Debbie sells the bed for $100]

Ruth: So, do I grab onto a specific body part?
Big: You sort of grab everything and fall backwards.
Debbie: Okay. You're not gonna drop me, right?
Ruth: No, I swear. I got you.
Debbie: It's like a fucking trust fall, only I stare at your face and remember all the reasons I don't trust you.
Ruth: Look, if you miss, my body will break the fall. I take the hit.
Debbie: Okay.
[Debbie barely jumps and falls on Ruth]
Debbie: How'd that look?
Carmen: So great.
[Debbie gets up]
Debbie: Let's do it again.

Cherry: I'm Ju... What is it?
Sam: Junkchain.
[pause]
Cherry: I'm Junkchain, and I bring the pain. Peace.

Sam: Hey.
Rhonda: Hey. Can I get a little kiss for luck?
Sam: You're not gonna need luck. I scripted the match so you'll win.
[Sam kisses Rhonda, then Justine appears]
Justine: Did you ask her about your camera?
Sam: What?
Justine: Your camera. It's in her locker. We all saw it.
Sam: Just go get ready. Now.
[Justine walks away]
Sam: What did you do to her? Why is she trying to frame you?
Rhonda: She's jealous, all right? She's just got a crush on you. Oh, my God. Think about it, okay? Brilliant director. She's seen every one of your films. She swoons every time you walk in a room.
Sam: Okay, all right. So, so, what am I supposed to do about that?
Rhonda: Be kind and generous to her, like you are with everyone.

Melanie: Hi, I'm Melrose. I'm a bad, bad girl who likes to party, party, party. And Daddy's been a bad, bad boy!
[pulls out whip]
Melanie: Come here, Daddy!
Sam: I think, uh... I should pull back on the dominatrix thing.
Sebastian: Yeah, just a tad.

[Melrose picks up the phone, suspecting another prank call by Dawn and Stacey]
Melanie: Fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Justine: Hi, it's Justine.
Melanie: Oh, hey. What do you want?
Justine: I wanted to see if you'd split a pizza.
Melanie: Again? Dude, why do you keep ordering pizza?

Melanie: And then I said, 'Oh God, the Baby!' You know, 'What's happening to the baby?' And then, you know, I squirted ketchup out of my vagina.
Sam: That was terrible. I, I didn't buy a single second of that. But, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Oh, sorry, maybe it was a wrong metaphor. Sorry. I think there's something here. Look, I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene, there would be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? Legacy?
Carmen: Um...
Sam: Al right. Let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it, was it bad sushi?
Justine: She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.
Sam: Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach. I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that?
[Ruth tries to hide in the crowd]
Sam: Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Why don't you come in the ring? Join us.
Ruth: I want to, but I'm really not feeling well.
Sam: You know, Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.
Ruth: It's true, he did.
[Ruth gets up and approaches the ring]
Sam: Look at this asshole. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She's gonna destroy lives. Even tiny lives that haven't started yet. You're a horrible person, and you don't deserve to live.
Ruth: I think I deserve to live.
Sam: Hey, Uta Hagen. All right, take some fucking direction for a minute. All right, is that too much to ask? It's not about you. I'm trying to see if this skit works. Now circle the other one.
[Ruth and Melrose circle each other]
Sam: Okay, good. Okay, shit-stirrer. Let's work on your side. Because if there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance. Who are you? What kind of woman were you before you lost everything?
Melanie: I feel like I was the kind of...
Sam: Wait, I got it. You're smart. You're ambitious. Talented. But nobody sees that. All they see is the blonde knockout.
Melanie: Yeah, but I'm not blonde.
Sam: All right, shut the fuck up.
Melanie: Okay.
Stacey: I think he's talking about me.
Dawn: [pointing at Debbie] No. They're talking about her.
Stacey: That makes sense.

Debbie: [rapping] I'm Liberty Belle, the American Hero. I'm a perfect ten, and you're a zero.
[pause]
Debbie: [rapping] I'm American as apple pie, and if you're not, I'll make you die.
[Debbie jumps on the bed]
Debbie: [looking at Randy] So what do you think?

Carmen: Mr. Monopoly, the heel. This is gonna be a grudge match.
Debbie: Like in real life?
Carmen: In the story. Every match is like another chapter. It all started when Mr. Monopoly closed down the factory in Steel Horse's town, and he and all of his friends lost their jobs.
Debbie: Oh my God.
Carmen: And then, he kidnapped Crystal, Steel Horse's woman, and brainwashed her. She was his high school sweetheart, but now she thinks he's evil. He still loves her. Every time, tries to win her back.
[Steel Horse motions for Crystal to go to him, but Mr. Monopoly grabs her by the hair]
Carmen: It turned out they're actually half-brothers, and...
Debbie: And that was his plan all along, to ruin Steel Horse's life in order to get revenge on the father who abandoned him.
[Carmen and Melrose see that Debbie gets it]
Debbie: Oh my God.
[Mr. Monopoly slaps Crystal]
Debbie: It's a soap opera!
[Steel Horse punches Mr. Monopoly]
Debbie: This whole thing is a soap opera! I understand how to do that.

[Main event promo]
Tammé: [holding a KFC bucket] I call this the Liberty Belle Special, 'cause it's all white meat, and I found it in the trash!
Debbie: Welfare Queen's nothing but a big phony. I know it, you know it, and she knows it.
Tammé: That toothpick with ta-tas can't take me down.
Debbie: Welfare Queen needs to stop being such a chicken, and fight me.
[makes a chicken sound]
Tammé: She's calling me a chicken?
[Liberty Belle continues to make chicken sounds]
Tammé: Well, cluck cluck, baby! This chicken's about to lay all her eggs!
Debbie: That's my crown! She stole it. And I want it back.
Tammé: I'll see your redneck ass in the ring next week, Liberty Belle!
Debbie: You will face me.
Tammé: You...
[removes fur coat]
Tammé: ... and me! Yeah huh!

[Debbie slaps Ruth, to the shock of the other ladies]
Debbie: I don't know... I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Ruth: It just happened.
Debbie: Haven't you learned anything from that sad fucking scene study class? Things don't just happen. People make choices. They want things, and then they go for them.
Ruth: Can we go somewhere and talk about this?
Debbie: I don't wanna fucking talk to you. I wanna... I wanna kick you ass. And then I never want to see you again.
[Debbie chases after Ruth]
Ruth: No!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: I'm not gonna fight you!
Reggie: Fight her! Do it!
Debbie: Come on!
Ruth: Debbie!
[Debbie grabs Ruth from behind, but Ruth hits her in the face with her elbow]
Ruth: I'm sorry.
[Debbie chases after Ruth again]
Debbie: Fucker!
Arthie: Is this real?
Melanie: Who the fuck cares?
[as Sam watches Ruth and Debbie fight, he envisions them in an actual GLOW match. Salty snaps Sam out of it]
Salty: Sam! Sam! Should we call it?
Sam: Yeah. Call it.
[Salty slides in the ring to count the pinfall, as Debbie has Ruth pinned to the mat and Ruth helplessly looks at Sam]
Salty: One! Two! Three!

Bash: I'd like to toast my mother for organizing all this.
Birdie: Aw.
Bash: But before I bring her up here, I'd like to... bring up some other... powerful, equally admirable women. Women who have struggled with drug addiction. Women who have found that, showing up at a gym every day, to learn how to wrestle, has kept them sober. These are the women of WAD. Wrestlers Against Drugs. They've come here tonight to share their stories. If you're moved to support them, please, open your hearts, and your checkbooks. Thank you.
Birdie: For the love of God.
Carmen: My low point came two months ago, when I woke up on a bench at the mall, naked... and high.
Reggie: Then I spent all my money on... the crack.
Tammé: So my husband said, 'It's either me, or the crack.' I chose the crack.
Stacey: Crack should be my middle name. And also my first and my last name.
Rhonda: Eggs, bacon, bangers and mash, toast, Marmite, and crack.
Melanie: I went to three rehabs. Uh, Hazelden was the best one, so, you know, you guys know... Now, if you have, like, a... If you have a fucked-up kid or whatever. Also, I did a lot of crack.
Jenny: [speaking in Cambodian] ... crack!
Birdie: Tell the girls to stop talking and introduce me.
Bash: No, wait. Last one, last one.
Ruth: I've... made a lot of terrible decisions. Some of them I don't even remember.
[pause]
Ruth: I hit rock bottom when I slept with my friend's husband. I was really wasted at the time. But... the second time, I wasn't. I knew what I was doing. I was sober and insecure, and I think I was acting out of this deep well of resentment. I didn't even know I had and it was just... buried. And then every... It all came out, and... fucked up a real friendship.
[pause]
Ruth: But then, I found wrestling... and it saved me. Coming to the gym every day, seeing... these women struggle... to use their bodies and... learn something new, and we did! And it's a better feeling than drugs. Crack, specifically.
[Bash gives a thumbs up]

Ruth: I'm a sucker for non-threatening, unavailable men who compliment me.

Ruth: So what's our backstory?
Carmen: Our what?
Ruth: What's motivating this? Why are we fighting? What's... what's driving you to come after me and grab me by the hair and throw me to the ground? It has to be something.
Carmen: He told us to.
[pause]
Ruth: Look, there's still a lot of girls here, which means anyone could be cut. We have to go above and beyond. Trust me. I'm an actress, and I know what I'm doing.
Carmen: Okay.