The Best Miss U.S.A. Quotes

Miss U.S.A.: Golly, gee! That wasn't very nice, was it?
Maxwell: No it wasn't. But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha. In the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all it is my third beauty contest.

Maxwell: Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, you mean the Republicans?
Chief: No. We mean KAOS.
Miss U.S.A.: KAOS?
Maxwell: Yes. a monstrous organization of evil, dedicated to the destruction of the free world and the systematic subjugation of every man, woman and child on this planet.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them, he hates to see children subjugated.

Maxwell: [Miss U.S.A., wearing only Max's pajama top, lets Max into his apartment] Tisha, what are you wearing?
Miss U.S.A.: I took the liberty of borrowing a pair of your pajamas. I hope you don't mind.
Maxwell: No, that's all right.
Miss U.S.A.: My, you are a neat man, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Why thank you Tisha.
Miss U.S.A.: Shirts in one drawer and socks in another drawer; classified information in another drawer. I couldn't get the top drawer open though.
Maxwell: I always keep that drawer locked.
Miss U.S.A.: Why? What's in it?
Maxwell: [Eying Tisha's legs] Pajama bottoms.

Miss U.S.A.: Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?
Maxwell: Yes Tisha, but don't you worry about it, you're in good hands. You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock by a Control agent who is highly intelligent, extremely perceptive and absolutely fearless.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh.
Maxwell: What's the matter?
Miss U.S.A.: Well I was hoping it would be you.

Chief: [addressing Tisha] Miss Heinschmidt...
Miss U.S.A.: [interrupting] Would you call me "Miss USA"? It sounds so much nicer than "Miss Heinschmidt".

Miss U.S.A.: They're after me! They tried to kidnap me! Don't let them get me. Please, you must help me.
Maxwell: There there, now. You're perfectly safe here. Now, why don't you just sit back here and relax and tell me who you are?
Miss U.S.A.: I... I'm Miss United States.
Maxwell: [with a confused expression] Miss "United States"? That's an odd name for a girl.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, it's just my title. My real name is Tisha. I came to town for the beauty contest.

Maxwell: I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha, in the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest.

Chief: Miss USA, it's obvious you're in great danger. I must recommend that you withdraw from the contest.
Miss U.S.A.: Withdraw from the contest? Well I can't I simply can't!
Chief: But your life may be at stake.
Miss U.S.A.: It doesn't matter. I love this contest and all that it stands for: beauty, cooperation, friendliness and ten thousand dollars in prize money.

Miss U.S.A.: Gosh, Mr. Smart, you're too nice to be a secret agent.
Maxwell: Well, there are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents.
Miss U.S.A.: There are? Well, what's the difference?
Maxwell: Well, the good secret agents are on our side. The bad secret agents are on their side.

Chief: Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify the men who tried to kidnap you last night?
Miss U.S.A.: I'm afraid not. It was dark. I couldn't see.
Maxwell: Well, I can confirm that, Chief. Last night was a very dark night!