Top 800 Quotes From Columbo

Ken: The man is too square for words.

Columbo: I guess I was wrong.
Elliot: I consider that an accurate statement.

Lt. Columbo: I had an uncle who made a killing in real estate up in San Dimas.
Roger: Do tell.
Lt. Columbo: You know what this guy did before he started sellin' dirt?
Roger: Mm-mm.
Lt. Columbo: Drove a school bus.
Roger: Wow.
Lt. Columbo: Now he's got a ranch, a couple of Cadillacs, sends out embossed Christmas cards.

Karl: Just think how many years Dr. Frankenstein must have spent on his research.
Dr. Murchison: Yes, heh, but he only made one little monster.

Lt. Columbo: [seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. My wife and I were checked into this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.

Raymond: [finding Columbo at the front door] Yes? Oh. Not YOU again. I spent the whole morning cleaning up after your men.

Lt. Columbo: [cutting up a newspaper] Just one minute, sir. I'm looking for a K.

Lt. Columbo: Doctor? Doctor Keppel? Doctor Keppel? Good afternoon, Doctor! Afternoon. Uh, Doctor? Scuse me, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I gather you are not a golfer.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, sir, I do bowl, a little, but you see this hand...
Dr. Bart Keppel: It's customary to be very still when a man is trying to hit a golf ball.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, did I ruin your shot?
Dr. Bart Keppel: No-no, just a little.
Lt. Columbo: Well, listen, I'm sorry. Since it was my fault, maybe they'll let you do it over?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Not at the stakes we play!

Beth: Bye, Felicia.

Doris: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police, and he said he'd send over his very best man.
Roger: [looking Columbo over] Is that a fact?
Lt. Columbo: Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second-best, but, uh... She claims there are eighty fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, just between us, sir...
Nelson: Mm-hm?
Lt. Columbo: ...somebody's following me.
Nelson: Now who would be following a cop?
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, that reminds me, uhh... Mr. Norris' secretary showed me an agenda of a Board of Directors meeting that was scheduled to take place today, and on the top of the list it said "Terminate Keppel." I was just wondering about that, uh... I don't know quite how to put this. How about it, Doc? Were you about to be canned?
Dr. Bart Keppel: I-I think you put it very directly. You're about as subtle as a train wreck.

[last lines]
Columbo: It could only be you. By your own admission, it had to be you. Mr. Stafford was last seen around 7:30, wearing his business clothes. Now, he's alone in the building, the building is locked, and the next morning, he's found dead in his gym clothes and at 9:00 the previous evening, nine hours before the body was found, you, and you alone, knew that he was in his gym clothes. You said so. You swore to it in front of five witnesses. How did you know he was in his gym clothes, if you didn't change the clothes? You try to contrive a perfect alibi, sir, and it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.

Lieutenant: I'll tell ya, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world, but there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet. Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the egg shells.

Oliver: [hamster wheel] That's the story of Bertie's life!
Bertie: Does the joke always have to be at my expense?

Jarvis: Now, there's no use glaring at me like that. Blood is thicker than martinis.

Columbo: You see, according to your story, you were asleep at night... the alarm woke you up, you reached for a gun... and you shot what you thought was a burglar.
Beth: Which is exactly what happened.
Columbo: Couldn't be. Because Mr. Hamilton, who was driving up outside... at the time, he heard both the shots and alarm.
Beth: Of course he did. What difference does that make?
Columbo: Oh, big difference. He heard the shots first, then the alarm. That's the cart before the horse. I mean, how could the alarm wake you if the shots came first?

Lt. Columbo: I'll tell ya, if I'm right about this, it's gonna tickle the life outta me!

Columbo: Dentures, right? Dentures? Those are false teeth.
Mazoor: Den...
Columbo: Dentures.
Mazoor: Dentures.
Columbo: Now, he does wear false teeth, doesn't he? It seems that the ambulance driver found them.Well, I never had that problem yet myself but... I remember somebody mentioned toilet articles. Bear with me one second. Ah yes, here we are. Just an ordinary toothbrush. Now, it seems to me... you see, my grandfather, he wore dentures ever since he was 40. And as far as I can recall, he never used just an ordinary toothbrush.

Lt. Columbo: I dug this bullet outta that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago.

Columbo: This is the last time. I promise it will not happen again.
Harold: All right, Lieutenant. I'll take your word for it.

Nora: Now, what have you told the police?
Jerry: What is there to tell? That you tried to kill me? That would be like disposing of the goose who owes me a golden egg.

Lieutenant: Listen, I really appreciate your taking the time to chat with me like this. You know, this is a lonely business, and it's nice just to have someone that ya... well, just air out your thoughts with.
Alex: You know, it's shocking... SHOCKING when you think about suicide, the word. Now, see, I can understand how she might have killed herself, but what possible reason for someone to kill her?

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: A difference of opinion between men can sometimes happen.

Helen: Some men, Lieutenant, do not wanna look like an unmade bed!

Lt. Columbo: Here I've been talking with the most intelligent people in the world, and I never even noticed.

Lieutenant: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this: How much do you make?

Goldie: We could have used you at the Alamo. You've got guts!

Charles: [Columbo is curious about boats] ... the mizzenmast is aft of the steering station... on a yawl.

Lt. Columbo: You know, when I'm listening to a game and my wife interrupts - I can't help myself - I want to hear that game, and I don't care how important the interruption.
Paul: [trying to hear a game himself] Your wife has my sympathy.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Alright Lieutenant, you win. I did it.
Lt. Columbo: Did ya Doctor?
Dr. Marshall Cahill: I don't know whether or not you'd really hang this on Neil. You're a strange man. It was a bluff I couldn't afford to call.

Columbo: You got a match, Sergeant?
Sergeant: Thought you were gonna quit.
Columbo: Not yet. No, not yet, Sergeant. Not yet.

Mrs. Walters: Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.

Columbo: I have very good reason to believe that Miss Wheeler killed her husband.
Ned: If you think I'm gonna stand here and listen to that... I'll get a lawyer - I'll get a battery of lawyers - and the least that can happen will be the end of one very unimportant career! OUT!

[last lines]
Abigail: Just think, Lieutenant, if you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.

Roger: [annoyed] Lieutenant, you take an inordinate length of time to come to the point.

Columbo: You see, I come from a very big family, and at dinner time... it was like, well you know, Madison Square Garden, and... we used to patch it up with coffee.

Janice: How well did you know her, Alex?
Alex: Oh, you know.
Janice: I don't know.
Alex: Now what is that supposed to mean?
Janice: You know her phone number by heart.
Alex: I know a lot of telephone numbers of people I work with by heart.

[Lt. Columbo wants to talk with Hayward but doesn't want to "inconvenience" him]
Nelson: No, no, no, no... let's understand something, Lieutenant: You see, you think I'm reluctant to talk to you, but you're wrong. I will talk to you as often as you want, for as long as you want, about anything you want.
Lt. Columbo: [taken aback] Oh. Oh, fine.

Sergeant: Lieutenant, as you've probably noticed, there are three cups, three plates, three different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.
Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Lt. Columbo: I like my Job, oh, I like it a lot & I'm not depressed by it & I don't think the world is full of criminals & full of murderers, because it isn't, it's full of nice people, just like you & if it was't for my job, I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this. And I'll tell you something else, even with some of the murderers that I meet, I even like them too sometimes, like 'em & even respect 'em, not for what they did, certainly not for that, but for that part of them which is intelligent, or funny, or just nice, because there's niceness in everyone, a little bit anyhow, you can take a cop's word for it.

Gene: I didn't spend eighteen years as corporate controller for nothing, and I can smell film-flam right down to the paper clips you make me buy.

Columbo: [on the phone with his wife] I'm gonna hang up. You can keep talkin' but I'm gonna hang up.

[last lines]
Columbo: I'm sorry, Mr. Clayton, but along with all the other trivial evidence that we've talked about, the murderer in this case just had to be a deaf man.

Lieutenant: Actually, there is one thing. Not that it makes that much difference.
Ken: What is it?
Lieutenant: When Mrs. Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot, you jumped in a car and drove right back to L. A. , is that right?
Ken: That's right.
Lieutenant: You know, me, I woulda taken a plane. I mean, it's a big airport and they run every half hour. It would have been a lot faster.
Ken: Well, I, that's true. But in a situation like that, who thinks clearly? And look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport. How much time do you really save?

Lizzy: Mr. Rifkin, I am concerned with my orchestra. I have spend twenty-five years making it what it is today and gouging people for money to build the Symphony Association. Aside from my daughter, this is my baby - and if anybody tries to hurt either one of them, he's out! The ax! Anybody!

Viveca: Lieutenant, I did not kill Karl Lessing. I couldn't kill a fly.

Oliver: Alas, my dear, I shall not be needing you... anymore.

Restaurant: Your check, Lt.
Lieutenant: Six dollars! Excuse me, err... no I think there's a mistake, I had the chilli and the iced tea.
Restaurant: Oh.
[makes alterations on check]
Lieutenant: Six seventy-five?
Restaurant: I forgot to add the iced tea.

Ralph: Now wait a minute, officer. This isn't what it looks like!
Lt. Columbo: It's all right. He won't have a gun. Just get his wallet.
Ralph: Thank you, sir.
Lt. Columbo: Don't thank me. Thank that radio over there, huh? Well, what do you know! License and everything.
Ralph: Of course, I've got a license. My name is Ralph Dobbs. What do you mean "radio"?
Lt. Columbo: Well, let me show you. Don't feel bad. Could happen to anybody. You see, some of these bugs have frequency leakage. If you don't put them in right, it affects the other electrical systems. That's what happened to you.
Ralph: Well, take it easy, will you? Those things are expensive.
Lt. Columbo: Sorry, it won't happen again. Anyway, you put it in wrong, that's all. When you used the telephone, it effected the radio. I noticed the static. But don't feel bad. I didn't know anything about this myself. Till I had trouble on my TV when my wife used the hair dryer. So the electrician explained to me. Do you find this boring?

Jennifer: Lieutenant, I may not be the brightest lady in the world, but I do know whether I made a phone call or not.

Helen: I mean, am I so uninteresting that he couldn't be interested in me for myself?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no. No, no. No, I didn't mean that at all. You're a very individual person.

Elliot: Let's dig it up.
Columbo: What?
Elliot: Come on. You know you want to.
Columbo: I don't know what you're talking about?
Elliot: Well, it's such a marvelous place to hide a body. A crew comes in and digs a hole. The hole sits there overnight. If I were a murderer, hypothetically speaking of course, it would be made to order. I'd just drive up and dump the body. The next morning the crew comes in and fills the hole with concrete. Neat, clean, foolproof.
Columbo: Wait a minute. If you were a murderer, hypothetically like you say, you're not gonna tell this to the police.
Elliot: Why not? You'd never be able to dig it up. Besides how do you know I'm not a victim of my own bravado?

Dexter: Mr. Hatheway, you're a very nice man... and you happen to be an excellent attorney. But the day you can make a merger between me and my beanbag brother, that is the day they'll appoint you to the Supreme Court.

Columbo: Can I tell you about my wife? You see, my wife she has a proverb for every situation.

Lt. Columbo: This is what bothers me: Why were you fired from that job after only three days? Because, if you don't mind my noticing, you'd be an ornament in any office.

Paul: I'm beginning to regard you as an old acquaintance, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thank you very much, sir. I'm beginning to know you pretty well, too.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.
Lt. Columbo: It's the same way at the institute that I work at, Doctor.

Jaime: [regarding a piece of splintered wood] That is not from a pick, señor. That is from a lance.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what's the difference?
Jaime: The picks are used in the ring. They have metal tips to wound the bull, lower his head.
Lt. Columbo: And the lance?
Jaime: They are used in the fields by the vaqueros for herding. They are made of pine, not so strong.
Lt. Columbo: Well, now I'm puzzled.

Albert: Lieutenant, we're behind you, all of us. And I want you to know this: as long as you're on this case, you'll never go hungry.

Columbo: Morning, Mr. Hamilton.
Peter: Oh, Lieutenant.
Columbo: You remember me?
Peter: Yes, I've got a very good memory.
Columbo: I tell you, I envy you that. I got to the point where I can't... remember my telephone number.

[Lt. Columbo is giving driving instructor Mr. Weekly a lift in his car when Mr. Weekly insists he pull over]
Mr. Weekly: Lieutenant Columbo, I'm sure you have a driver's license. It may even have been issued in this state. It may even be valid. But all of these things not withstanding, I'm sure you'll understand why I'm electing to walk the rest of the way.

Hostess: Ah, Lieutenant. Your cigar?
Columbo: What about it?
Hostess: Uh... Well, the fragrance is not, um... compatible.
Columbo: That's a shame. I just lit it.

Peter: Suppose you ask the question that you haven't asked.

Lieutenant: Suddenly I thought of something. How clever that first murder was. The phone gimmick, working late in the office - brilliant.
Ken: Are you awarding gold medals today?
Lieutenant: Yes. For the first one. Not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

[Lieutenant Columbo wants information about an insurance policy from Mike Tucker]
Mike: Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant. We like to cooperate with the police but... if you want confidential information, I'm afraid...
Lieutenant: Oh, well, look, uh... I don't want to cause you any trouble. Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?
[Mike looks shocked]

Lt. Columbo: I mean I came down here to get you because... I made a real wrong guess last night.
Paul: I think you made a few.

Lt. Columbo: Actually, I thought if I got the chance I'd like to come out here one more time before I left. I'm fascinated by everything out here, but I don't want to be a pest.
Luis: Oh, not at all, Lieutenant. You're welcome here anytime.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thank you very much, sir. I've been fascinated by everything I've seen out here and I still think there's a lot to learn.

Kittering,: A sad story, enough to make you weep.

Lt. Columbo: [to an open-mouthed Dr Mason:] Don't feel you have to comment, sir, it's just a theory.

Elliot: To be absent is not necessarily to be missing, Lieutenant. I assume you understand the distinction.

[Campaign manager Harry Stone insists that Congressional candidate Nelson Hayward leave his mistress]
Nelson: Harry, I need her!
Harry: You don't need anybody but me! You can get rid of anybody but me, because I know where the bodies are buried, Nels. I buried 'em for you!

Lt. Columbo: [Shocked at the high price of a book] $55 for a book? I could have my car fixed for that.

Lieutenant: Oh, no, Mr. Tucker. You put that away. This one is on me. May I have a receipt, please?
Mike: All right, Lieutenant, you're bribing me with a handsome lunch. What can I do for you?
Lieutenant: This is about an insurance policy.
Mike: Excellent! It's about time you came to me. I can give you a...
Lieutenant: This is an insurance policy that was already written.
Mike: Oh. This is official business.

Dr. Mark Collier: Brace yourself, Chuck, it's the law.
Charles: You're kidding.

Lt. Columbo: There's just one more thing, sir!

Jesse: Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that...
[taking a wad of cash out of an envelope]
Jesse: ...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?
Santini: Five thousand dollars is hardly a joke.
Jesse: Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted 100,000 dollars, fifty percent of which is...
Santini: Five percent of which is five thousand dollars.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, Mrs. De Milo?
Eve: Yes, Lieuten...

Lt. Columbo: Is that the autopsy?
Commandant: That's the weather report.
Lt. Columbo: [trying to read it] It's in Spanish.
Commandant: Yes, I know that. The people at the weather bureau speak it very well.

Lt. Columbo: There once was an old man from Lyme who married three wives at a time. When asked "Why a third?" he replied, "One's absurd, and two of 'em, sir, is a crime."

Mrs. Peck: I would like to tell you something. This house is always immaculate.

Lt. Columbo: [eating caviar] That's delicious!
1st: It oughta be. Costs $80 a jar.
Lt. Columbo: $80?
1st: Yeah?
Lt. Columbo: O-o-o. That must be about $15 right in my mouth.
[1st detective laughs]
Lt. Columbo: We better get out of here.
[1st detective laughs]
Lt. Columbo: We're gonna get arrested.
[1st detective laughs]

Joe: Justice for the many, Justice for the free Let each man be paid in full That's just enough for me.

Columbo: It's just that I have this bug about tying up loose ends.

Columbo: [rummaging through his bag for evidence] Just, uh, bear with me, sir.
[he pulls out a saran-wrapped lump of something]
Columbo: Uh, that's my lunch. That doesn't mean nothing.

Carl: [to Collier] I know my wife, doctor, and the trash she's attracted to.

Lt. Columbo: Ooo, you're a remarkable man, Mr. Santini.
Santini: How keen of you to notice it.

Columbo: Thank you very much, ma'am. You've been very helpful.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, I thought this was a vacant dormitory.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: It is.
Lt. Columbo: I see.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: But it will change. Maybe not this year. Maybe not next. But it's going to change, mister. You can put your money on it. No more reluctant mama's boys, no more 4F's, no more Section Eights. This country is going to have the best damn army in the world. And Haynes Military Academy will be a part of it.

Lieutenant: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.

Marcia: I just can't believe it. We were so close. Of course, in a lot of ways, you know, we were far apart.
Lt. Columbo: How is that?
Marcia: I mean, I've always been inner-directed, and she was other-directed. You know what I mean?
Lt. Columbo: No, not really.
Marcia: I'm career-oriented. Sharon was motivated by other's wishes. Do you understand?
Lt. Columbo: No.
Marcia: I have personal, selfish goals, and Sharon was devoted to humanity. Do you follow?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, well, I'm beginning to get some of the drift of it. You were both nurses. Is that right?
Marcia: Yes. But Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon, because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper-middle-class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.

Lt. Columbo: I guess boys will be boys.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Boys WILL be boys, Lieutenant, but someone's gotta turn 'em into men.

Mark: We found Mrs. Caldwell's jewels here in your apartment.
[Jessup snorts]
Mark: They were right under your mattress!
Artie: Hey man, I don't even live here!
Columbo: That's true, sir, I can attest to that.
[opens dresser drawers]
Columbo: He doesn't live here, *I* live here. These are my shirts, this is my underwear,
[takes out photographs]
Columbo: *my* brother-in-law, *my* nephew and niece.

Lisa: Love isn't just... one age or another.

Columbo: Can a diabetic eat garlic?

Columbo: Besides, you're too classy a woman.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I had tickets for the game? Didn't even use 'em. Couldn't enjoy it. Till I find the answer, I can't think of anything else.

[Columbo's car has been repaired. He's presented with the bill]
Lt. Columbo: That much, huh?
Shelly: Wasn't the parts so much as the time it took. It's not easy to work on a car in that condition.
Lt. Columbo: Will you take a check?
Shelly: You haven't got a credit card?
Lt. Columbo: I'm from the... uh... police. Lieutenant Columbo... uh.
[He struggles to get out his I.D]
Shelly: What, are you... uh... undercover or something?
Lt. Columbo: No, I'm underpaid.

Jesse: No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.
Santini: Jerome, I'm bored with you bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.
Jesse: There are no changes... Sergeant Mueller! You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.
Santini: I was 21. I was merely a boy.
Jesse: No one in the SS was "merely a boy," Mueller. No one in the camps was just a boy. Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, the Israelis - yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you!
Santini: I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.
Jesse: You call that value?
Santini: Mmm-hmmm.
Jesse: I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Columbo: [early in the morning after arriving at the crime scene with a thermos full of coffee] You know, before coffee, I'm up, I'm walking around, but I'm not awake.
[grunts]

Lt. Columbo: [speaking to Danziger at the evening party] I will keep on something until it's finished.

Lt. Columbo: All right, I'm gonna go in and speak to the general, and while I'm doing that I want you to search the yacht.
Officer: Uh, but, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll ask the general for permission. If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant. In the meantime, check it out.

Lt. Columbo: A rare old bird is the pelican. His bill holds more than his belly can. He can take in his beak enough food for a week. I'm damned if I know how the hell he can!

Columbo: I'm not very good on details, that's why I write everything down.

Peter: Now, Lieutenant, you don't really think that Beth killed her brother in cold blood, now do you?
Columbo: Well, as a matter of fact... I do.

Lieutenant: [reading] To my Lilly Love always, Ken.
Joanna: I still don't know what this means.
Lieutenant: It means that he knew her. It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said. It means that he knew her reasonably well.

Lt. Columbo: You don't think that all of these people wanted to kill Mr. Buckner, do you?
Roger: I did; but, a large corporation is like a jungle, Lieutenant, to coin a phrase.

Santini: We all have our particular talents, Lieutenant. Mine happens to be illusion, and yours, I suspect, is reality - and a rather grim one at that.

Dr. Mark Collier: [to Columbo] You know something, Lieutenant? You're a marvelously deceptive man. You know, the way you get to the point without really getting to the point.

Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn't gonna be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured, if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
Oliver: I can tell you do.

Lt. Columbo: Look, in order to understand a man, you have to understand his past.

Viveca: Do I know you?
Columbo: You don't know me, ma'am, but I sure know you. Every time I shave, there ya are. It's a pleasure.

Lt. Columbo: "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party."

Columbo: Mr Markham, I think I owe you an apology.
Elliot: Is that all you have to say? Not much. Good night.

Mark: Make me a perfect murder, babe.

Lt. Columbo: There once was a fella named Finnegan, who escaped from a jail so to sin again. He broke laws by the dozen, even stole from his cousin, so the jail he broke outta he's in again.

Columbo: Carnegie Hall and Nashville - they don't mix.

Capt. Gibbon: [to Columbo] Lieutenant, on the high seas we don't ask - I order!

Lt. Columbo: I figure he's the kind of man that could do almost anything if he put his mind to it.
Michael: You mean his hand to it.
Lt. Columbo: Right.

Columbo: It was a terrible thing to do, and I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all of those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Columbo: [about his infamous Peugeot:] Yeah, it's a French car.

Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't do that.

Lawrence: [amused] You sure are strange, Mr. Steinmetz.
Nelson: [disguised as Steinmetz] It's a strange world.

Sergeant: Where you goin'?
Columbo: I'm meetin' my wife, at the yacht club.

Capt. Gibbon: [noting Columbo's raincoat] O-o-oh, tell me, Lieutenant... um... do you expect inclement weather in the Mexican waters?
Lt. Columbo: No, they tell me the weather down there's great this time of the year.

Lt. Columbo: How does a man get shot from the front and have the body land here? The door has to be opened. The murderer opened the door. Jerome did NOT open the door. Jerome is in his office. He's ANYWHERE. He HEARS the door open. Now he comes walking forward to see what happened. The murderer sees HIM, shoots him from the front, and the body falls just where we found it. THAT I can understand.

Policeman in office: Wanna cup of coffee or something?
Lieutenant: No thanks I just ate. You want some advice, be careful where you eat chilli.
Policeman in office: Why, too hot?
Lieutenant: Too high!

Lieutenant: Excuse me, I don't need a parking check?
Parking: [pointedly] Mister, I'll remember your car.

Elliot: Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you're very much like an arachnid?
Columbo: A what?
Elliot: A tick. They're quite common but excessively tenacious. They hang on. They let go only under extreme prodding.

[Distraught over her husband's disappearance, Joanna Ferris tries to get a drinking fountain to work]
Lieutenant: I think that's out of order, ma'am. Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work, then you have to use the coffee machine, and then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.
Joanna: Who are you?
Lieutenant: Uh, I'm just another cop. My name is Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: I thought I had trouble with my TV when my wife used the hairdryer, so the electrician, he explained it to me. You find this boring?

Columbo: There is always room for doubt.

Lt. Columbo: And I thought maybe you'd want to be brought up to date. Like that autopsy report. I just got it on the phone. Incidentally you never asked me about that. I thought you would. I guess it slipped your mind.
Paul: No, it didn't slip my mind. It was nothing to ask about, Because there was nothing new, was there?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. There wasn't.

Abigail: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: A word to the wise, Loomis: beware of a misplaced sense of justice.

Kura: [Watching the King board a plane] There's something of the father in the son, eh, Hassan?
Hassan: There's something of his father in many of us, Hajj, but the throne makes the man, not the blood.

Hassan: A thousand pardons, you majesty, but the man is a simple man, the lieutenant, and he is not used to our ways.
The: Yeah, but I like him, Hassan. You say "our ways," but you mean YOUR ways.
Hassan: The ways of your father and his father before him.
The: There is a place for tradition, Hassan, but we must learn to live in this world as neighbors. We can not be blind to the changes happening all around us.

Farnsworth: Lieutenant, I have been dean of this academy for over twenty years, and we have never had a situation like this.
Lt. Columbo: Believe me, sir, I know you've done your best.
Farnsworth: If a student fails, we consider it OUR failure, not his.
Lt. Columbo: To be honest with ya, I was afraid of something like this. We've had a lot of problems with him at home.
Farnsworth: Then you do understand we consider it best that you withdraw him.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir.

Dr. Perenchio: Take my advice, Lieutenant. Change your name, and don't bite down on anything hard.

Lieutenant: Excuse me. I hate to keep bothering you people, but I have something which I think will interest you.
Alex: Mr. Columbo, nothing you could possibly say could interest me.

Columbo: [Just before he test fires a gun] You want to put your fingers in your ears? This thing could make a lot of noise.
Harold: I can handle it.
Columbo: I wish I could say the same.
[He extends his left arm to fire the pistol and uses his right to cover his right ear]

Kenji: Are you a lieutenant with the American Army?
Lt. Columbo: Ah, no sir. Los Angeles Police.
Eve: Homicide, right, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: That's right, ma'am.
Kenji: Ah, there was a murder movie on the plane. Brilliant.

Nelson: Do you like music?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I hear it all the time.

Columbo: You know, I have the feeling that I became a cop to make up for all those jokes that I made when I was a kid.

Adrian: Didn't your family ever drink wines at home?
Columbo: I tell you, the closest we ever came to it was my father's job during prohibition.
Adrian: Bootlegger?
Columbo: No, he was a tail gunner on a beer truck.

Kenji: Do you have a hot suspect?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I've got my eyes on one.
[Turns to look at Paul Gerard]

Lt. Flaherty: Columbo.
Columbo: Lt. Flaherty. Long time, no see.
Lt. Flaherty: You ought to try coming downtown once in a while.
Columbo: I'm gonna get down there this week for sure.
Lt. Flaherty: You know a Sergeant Lefkowitz?
Columbo: Sergeant Lefkowitz? Oh, the lady with the computer. Yes.
Lt. Flaherty: You've been giving her the run around.
Columbo: Me? No. No, I explained to her that my records regard to my going to pistol practice got loused up in the computer.
Lt. Flaherty: You were right about that. The read-out said you hadn't fired in five years. She double-checked it. It was ten.
Columbo: Gee, you gotta be kidding!
Lt. Flaherty: You better get out to that range right away.
Columbo: Gee, I can't go now. I gotta go some place.
Lt. Flaherty: Columbo, you could be suspended.
Columbo: But I don't have a gun.

Lt. Columbo: I had an uncle. He played bagpipes in the shriners band. He couldn't play a note, but nobody could tell the difference.

[last lines]
Lt. Columbo: Would you like to hear something funny?
Nelson: I'd love to.
Lt. Columbo: Today, the Chinese, they changed their minds.
Nelson: Did they, again?
Lt. Columbo: They're back in the Games.
Nelson: In the Games. Mahjong.
Lt. Columbo: Mahjong.

Riley: You, and this place, deserve to be in the Valley.

Columbo: I thought wine was just to drink. Today I found out it's also an investment. Some bottles of wine sell for $100, can you believe that?
Adrian: That's a fair medium. I have bought bottles of wine that cost, oh, $5,000.
Columbo: $5,000 for a bottle of wine? You know, my father never made $5,000 in a year! Can you imagine drinking a year's salary in one night?

Roger: I can't tell you how many executives there are in our ivory tower... who would commit felonious assault just for the key to a private washroom.

Lt. Columbo: My ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Col. Roger Dutton: I'm leaving for Geneva tonight. If I may make a suggestion, General, you might do the same.
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: I have a business to run. Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat.

Adrian: I guess, uh, freedom is purely relative.

Lt. Columbo: [to Sanchez] Yes, I can see that, but it's important to be thorough - especially when a man dies alone.

Paul: [gesturing at Columbo's camera] Lieutenant, may I ask, what's the meaning of that?
Lt. Columbo: You noticed. I'm sorry, sir, I tried to be inconspicuous.
Paul: Well, you failed, miserably.

Sergeant: [to Columbo] Everybody makes mistakes. That's why the jails are all filled up.

Lady: Lieutenant Columbo. Are you with the Army?
Lt. Columbo: Los Angeles Police Department.
Lady: Oh. Have we done something?
Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am. Not that I know of, no. I'm just here - I'm just part of an investigation.
Lady: Well, of what? Are you with the Vice Squad? I don't remember having a good time.

Paul: I smoke grass sometimes, just about like you drink gin. Didn't you ever have a drink of gin during... Prohibition, when gin was illegal?
Lizzy: And let's not get smart about how old I am.

Lieutenant: Okay, Doc. Thanks for staying open. I got these peculiar hours...
Dr. Benson: Ah, no sweat. My wife doesn't like music. She watches murder mysteries, so whenever the concert's on, I work late.

Lt. Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies, she always picks the wrong murderer. I wanna tell you something: If my wife decided to murder me, she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Janie: Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.

Hassan: I can tell you, Lieutenant, in strictest confidence, of course, this envelope contains certain material which, in the wrong hands, could lead to the overthrow of my king.

Adrian: You've learned very well, Lieutenant.
Columbo: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Lt. Columbo: Who knows what goes on in the head of a dog?

Edward: It's almost two o'clock in the morning. What are you doing here?
Ruth: Oh, I do wish people would stop asking me that.
[shoots her brother]

Columbo: ...and I would like, if possible, to ask you a few questions about a man...
Darryl: You joking, Lieutenant? This is the middle of a working day.
Columbo: Well, sir, if you don't answer the questions here, I'm afraid I'll have to take you down to police department. You see, this is a murder case, sir.
Darryl: Fine. Arrest me. I'd be disappointed in the police if they didn't do that. If I don't lose a fortune, cancel the day, offend my customers, you're gonna take me to the police headquarters. Well, go right ahead! Arrest me! Do you have the handcuffs with you? Why don't you handcuff me? I'm surprised you don't beat me unconscious so you can carry me out so I don't cause trouble. Isn't that correct?

Constable: Mr. Tanner, he was properly disturbed finding the master expired, and before breakfast and all; so, I stayed around to help see to the removal of the remains. Uh, just took His Lordship off, they did, to... to have him properly coffined for public mourning, uh, considering his station.
Columbo: What is he saying?
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: His Lordship died... of some sort of accident.

Walter: What is all this? Autopsy? Lab crews?
Lt. Columbo: Well, just part of a routine murder investigation, sir. Excuse me.
Walter: Murder?

[Lt. Columbo recommends Commandante Sanchez order an autopsy on Hector Rangel]
Commandant: Lieutenant, I can see the newspapers: "Don Luis Montoya, the Idol of Mexico, a Murder Suspect?"
Lt. Columbo: That's your problem. I'm just a tourist here.
Commandant: Yeah, that's my problem. You know, a policeman who jeopardizes his pension, he must be loco, right?

Ruth: Lieutenant, you must never underestimate me... nor I you. I don't in the least mind you playing tricks, but you're going to have to be a little cleverer, aren't you?

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Holmes. Sherlock Holmes was, I suppose, our most famous detective. But I'm sure you noticed on your visit to our new file section at the Yard... why he wouldn't even qualify these days. No, no. In our modern police...

Milo: What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?
Columbo: This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.

Paul: You believe that somehow I'm responsible for my wife's death. Oh, don't deny it, Lieutenant! You're like a little shaggy-haired terrier who's got a grip on my trousers, you won't let go. I can't turn around without you staring up at me with that blank, innocent expression on your face!

Paul: Always just one more. If you gave a photographer 20 lashes, he'd still ask for just one more.

Steve: [referring to Columbo's pet beagle] He doesn't look like a police dog.
Lt. Columbo: Well, he isn't. He's a policeman's dog. Believe me, there's a big difference.

Columbo: I'll tell you what bothered me.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Beware of an excess of compassion, Lieutenant.

Columbo: My watch costs thirty dollars. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May first. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.
Sgt. George Carter: Lieutenant, it IS May first. Your watch is wrong, his watch is right.
Columbo: Oh. Well, what do you expect for thirty dollars.

Lt. Columbo: Now, you see, my problem with chemistry, that started way back in high school. 'Cause in my junior year, I... I had to get a better grade. So I said the heck with this chemistry stuff, I'll take another year of woodshop. You know. You just build a bird house, and if you paint it red, you get an A.

Abigail: Is there murder in our civilized hearts? Obviously, there is in mine, and I'm well-paid.

Ned: Lieutenant, you must be aware of the fact that... that men who retire from very active lives very often go into severe depression for no apparent reason whatsoever. I know. I've been there.
Columbo: You didn't shoot yourself, did ya? Big difference between being old and unhappy and puttin' a gun to your head. Has to be a reason.

Joe: Do you know these lines, Lieutenant? They're by Lewis Carroll: "You can charge me with murder, or want of sense - we are all of us weak at times - but the slightest approach to a false pretense was never among my crimes."

Lt. Columbo: Saxophone repair, lead sheets, piano tuning, hotel, restaurant... All these receipts have one thing in common. They represent tax deductions, with one single exception - the receipt for the gun. He can't deduct that. He can deduct all these, so we know why he saved these. I'll tell ya, sir, for the life of me I can't understand why he saved this one.

Francine: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Columbo: Could you explain this?
[indicating a piece of art]
Francine: Well, - heh - you see, we don't explain art. I mean, that's just sort of something you feel. Well, you see, you look at a picture or a piece of sculpture and it either does something for you or it doesn't. Y'know?
Columbo: Uh huh. This doesn't do anything for me.
Francine: That's too bad.

Kay: It's very odd. They say there's a great sense of relief that comes when something like this is over. I don't feel that at all. Quite the opposite.

Viveca: You slimy little snake!
Karl: Oh, no, Vivi, I'm your hairy little teddy bear. Remember me?

Columbo: [alluding to his compulsiveness] A light goes on up here... and sometimes I can't turn it off.

Miss: It's all right, Lieutenant. You can pet him.
Lt. Columbo: Why should I?
Miss: To show him that you're friendly.
Lt. Columbo: Why doesn't he show me first?

Alex: Listen, uh... How did you arrive at that figure, 750,000?
Lieutenant: It's real estate rule of thumb. It's a trick. No magic. I'm not an appraiser or anything like that.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: Just a piece of advice. Find a different spot, or use a different bait, otherwise you're not gonna catch anything, Lieutenant.

Lloyd: Wait, Lieutenant, the man in the photograph... Do you think he's the one that did it?
Lt. Columbo: Yes. But don't say anything. I haven't gotten him yet.

Columbo: I, uh, I looked at her body, and right away I saw on her finger the biggest diamond ring I ever saw in my life. Now, I gotta ask myself this question: What kind of burglar robs a house and leaves a ring like that on the victim's finger?

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: [Entering the amusement pier] There'd'b more privacy on a freeway.
Nelson: Oh, I don't know. Wasn't it you that said you should never have a clandestine meeting in a clandestine place? Besides which, I've always had a certain perverse affection for amusement parks.

Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Nelson: Well, that's heartening.
Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.
Nelson: And unofficially?
Lt. Columbo: Unofficially, we don't have anything either.

Columbo: Yeah, I would say that we have a left-handed murderer and, uh... and an unpremeditated crime.
Investigator: We have?
Columbo: Oh, I think so, yes. I mean, I don't think a man kills with his hands unless he's angry. As a matter of fact, you know, maybe he didn't mean to do it. Could be. You know, maybe it was an accident. You know, I got a feeling that when we find our friend, it's gonna turn out that he has a terrible temper.

Lieutenant: I never got to ask you last night what I wanted to ask ya.
Alex: Go ahead.
Lieutenant: Terrific place. Terrific.
Alex: Thank you. We like it.

Adrian: Do you think I'm gonna sit by and let some muscle-bound hedonist throw me out of what is rightfully mine?
Enrico: [laughing] Hey, come on. Don't worry. You'll be taken care of. I'm sure the Marino Brothers will let you lick the labels of their new carbonated rosé.

Lt. Columbo: You know, in a way, I have to congratulate you. Up until now, you really had me going. I mean, here you are. You're a surgeon. A man that's got to be cool. Even when you're angry, you're controlled. You never lose yourself. That's why it struck me funny when you blew up in the operating room, and you grabbed me and pushed me. I mean, you know, there was only one thing we didn't search. You know what it was? It was me.

Columbo: [to Kay] Interesting, isn't it, how you can work these small things out if you just think about it... like you got a tiny voice whisperin' right in your ear trying to tell you who did it?

Lt. Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find - sometimes - but sometimes it's right in front of ya and ya can't prove it.

Ms. McRae: Lieutenant, your evidence!
Lieutenant: Oh! I get preoccupied, I forget my head.

Sergeant: J'ever see one of these before, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Uh... no, not sure I have. It, eh, looks kind of familiar, though.
Sergeant: It's a camera-mounted starlight scope. They used 'em quite a bit at Berkeley for night work.
Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?
Sergeant: Yeah. I bought this one myself.
Columbo: You used your own money?
Sergeant: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.
Columbo: You must be a bachelor.

Det. Sgt. O'Keefe: Well, as I always say to the missus, sir, a policeman's lot is not an happy one.

Columbo: Boy, you know my wife went to visit her mother for a few days, and it's like everything was waiting for her to leave so it could happen to me. First the kitchen sink and then the pilot light in the stove. I don't even know what a pilot light is. And this thing wakes me up at six a.m. scratching that ear.

Lt. Columbo: [to his dog] Okay. Now, don't go away. Stay.
[Dog runs off]
Lt. Columbo: He's trained.
Abigail: Amazing.

Columbo: [to his wife, over the telephone, smiling] You can keep talking but I'm gonna hang up...

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Um, if I pass the butter, will you promise to explain to me why the conversation was unsatisfactory?

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Lieutenant, you've obviously been conducting an experiment calculated to demonstrate that double-M-7 could have operated the computer the night of the murder.
Lt. Columbo: Boy, you just saved a lot of time there, Doctor.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir, you sure did.
Lt. Columbo: That's exactly what we were doing.

Ralph: Listen, will you go find yourself another suspect?

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: The defense rests. For today. Now, I think we ought to prosecute these martinis before their statutes of limitations expire.

Investigator: You're a very observant man, Lieutenant.
Columbo: That's not what my wife says.

Columbo: Ya see, I figured you had the body somewhere, but what you really wanted was a fool-proof hiding place. Now what's better than a place that's already been searched - and at considerable cost and my embarrassment?

Columbo: Oh, Mr. Janus, just one more thing, please.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: [finding Columbo at a buffet table] Collecting evidence, Lieutenant, or just being sociable?

Columbo: Gee, Mr. Frame, I'm always getting you angry. I'm sorry about that. It must be my accent or something.

Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna tell you something. Do you know that there is a reasonable explanation for everything, if you just put your mind to it? Course, sometimes these things, they pop up. Like with alibis. Do you know in most cases, people, they don't remember what time it is. They forget all that. Like the artist fella; he's all mixed up about the time. And Mrs. Matthews... she don't even remember what time she went to bed last night!
Dale: Being sober might help, I suppose.
Lt. Columbo: Now with you, Mr. Kingston, it's just the opposite. Very unusual. With you, we know exactly where you were, and when. Not only that, we know your whole car was empty.
Dale: Yes, isn't that nice?

Edna: May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Roger: Oh, you know, I love that worried expression on your face.

Paul: I wanted you to have one last taste of Tokyo before you begin your tour of American restaurants.
Kenji: They won't believe this when I send back the story. They think I'm eating hot dogs and grits.
Eve: Have you ever eaten grits?
Kenji: No, not yet.
Eve: Don't bother.

Santini: Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I really don't have any choice, sir.
Santini: Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?
Lt. Columbo: Your origin may be more humble than you make it appear.
Santini: And what about you, Lieutenant? Beneath that ruffle exterior there ticks away the heart of an empiricist philosopher, probing for the truth at all costs.
Lt. Columbo: I'm just doin' my job.
Santini: You make it sound so proletarian.

Joe: We execute traitors, Mr. Pauley. Didn't you know that?

Bryce: This is hardly the time.
Beth: No, it never is.

Purser: Lieutenant Columbo? The Captain would like to see you right away.
Lt. Columbo: The Captain? To see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...
Purser: It's not about your wife, sir.

Lt. Columbo: No, I want you to go right ahead, and I want you to forget about all this. Just do what my wife does, because when she hits a department store, she can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sitting outside waiting.

Commandant: A bull like Marinaro, how much he worth?
Luis: $8,000 - more with inflation.
Lt. Columbo: Seems like a valuable piece of property to destroy without permission.

Nora: Oh, Jerry. I didn't know you were in town.
Jerry: I had to rush home, do some local promotion for my new book.
Nora: Oh, another book? Who's bedroom did you pry into THIS time.

Jerry: [points to his head] You can't get a search warrant for what's in here.
Nora: You couldn't get bus fare for what's in there!

Miguel: You know, my name is Miguel Hernandez, very well known to everybody, even to the bulls.

Santini: And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder!
Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There is no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Columbo: My name is Lieutenant Columbo
Darryl: Lieutenant Columbo?
Columbo: Yes, I'm from Homm-Boe-Side

Mrs. Walters: Oh, I never thought we'd make it.
Harry: Neither did I.

Lt. Columbo: There's one other thing, sir, ah...

Lt. Columbo: [Realizing that he has been proceeding on an erroneous assumption] Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe nobody's trying to kill you. You know, I've been wrong before. You know, you can get too complicated. Bill Haynes was blown up. Let's keep it simple. Somebody was trying to blow up Bill Haynes. What are we beating our brains in for? At least that way you can sleep easier.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [Tacitly acknowledging that Columbo has guessed the truth, offers him a top-brand cigar] Would you like to try one of quality, for a change?

Dr. Howard Nicholson: [to Marshall about his son] He stole the work of a giant to win the approval of a tyrant.

2nd: Why the big interest?
Lt. Columbo: I'm fuzz.
2nd: That's cool.

Paul: Lieutenant, that is not a good picture. The exposure's way too light, the framing is off, everything's way off center, the framing... It's not a good picture, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: You know, you're right.

Columbo: Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember... what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it.

Lieutenant: $3000! I could buy a new car for that; not that I need one.

Elliot: Ahead of me all the way, weren't you?
Columbo: Well, I kinda had a hunch.

Columbo: Would you mind very much coming with me into the bathroom?

Lieutenant: You know, there's one thing about writers I don't understand. Maybe you can help me clear it up. If a fella's partner dies, does he own the other fella's half of the books? Half of the, uh.
Ken: The Royalties?
Lieutenant: Yeah.
Ken: No. They go into the deceased's estate.
Ken: That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it? Unless you insured each other?
Ken: Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?

Lt. Columbo: You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it.

Michael: [Referring to Mrs. Peck and the twins] She practically raised both boys. So she has more love for the family than the family does.
Columbo: [Sensitive to Mrs. Peck's hostility to him] I think she hates me. I really feel that.

Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna leave this coat in the car. If someone tries to lift it, you look the other way.

Santini: Let me clear your head up for you: I had absolutely nothing to do with the crime. I've spent half my life working on that grand illusion. It's been wonderful for me, and audiences love it, and I'm not about to divulge the secret; but, if at some point in time you and your superior - and I know he's a "tough man" - insist that I come up with an alibi, I promise you I'll produce one, but until that time, at least allow me the privacy of my professional secret. Is that fair?

Lieutenant: I'm very impressed with you.
Audrey: Oh, really? Is it my body or my mind?
Lieutenant: Well, it's both really. No, seriously, Audrey, give me a break. What I'm trying to say is, that for a young girl, you're a very independent-minded person.
Audrey: Don't bother with any male chauvinistic compliments.

Adrian: Why were you assigned to the case? I mean, you're-you're in homicide, aren't you?
Columbo: I just go where they tell me to, sir.
Adrian: Well, doesn't look right to me. It looks like they, uh... they suspect someone of, uh, foul play.
Columbo: Well, maybe they do, sir, but you certainly don't have anything to worry about. You were three thousand miles away at the time of his death, right?
Adrian: Right.

Guard: No one is allowed to pass.
Lt. Columbo: I know. That's what the other three guards told me, but I'd like to look around.

Viveca: [to a competitor in the cosmetics business] Mr. Lang, why don't you just go gobble up a pill company?

Lt. Columbo: Oh, I do a little cooking, sir. Nothing fancy. Mrs. Columbo, she's a remarkable woman. She has lots of interests... but cooking isn't one of them. She gives me plenty of encouragement.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Lieutenant Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence, you have perception, you have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.

Lieutenant: Oh, listen. Just one more thing. Uh...

Lieutenant: A professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?
Ken: Who knows? But remember one thing without a corpus delicti you can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.
Lieutenant: But why would a professional killer care? I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.
Ken: Lieutenant, I can't answer all of your questions.

Neil: [about Columbo] I'm telling you, he thinks I did it.
Margaret: I don't think he does. He's a lot wiser about people than he cares to show, or perhaps than we recognize.
Neil: He's a cop. He's gotta hang this on SOMEBODY.

Columbo: Just one more thing.

Lieutenant: Gee, that's funny.
Ken: What?
Lieutenant: This thing is folded lengthwise. Like someone was carrying it in their pocket.
Ken: So?
Lieutenant: Well, if he typed that on that typewriter, and I'll run a check on that, why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?
Ken: I'm beginning to like you.
Lieutenant: Why is that?
Ken: Because you're finally beginning to think like Mrs. Melville. Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper, and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know.

Beth: You always surprise me.
Peter: Well, that's better than being predictable, right?

Lt. Columbo: Murder's always depressin', but you get over it.

Joanna: Well, what about Ken? Why isn't Ken here? I don't know why he isn't here.
Lieutenant: Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
Joanna: [smiles ruefully] Yeah, the other half of the team.

Charles: Are we acquainted?

Lt. Columbo: You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.

Gate: Hey, Lieutenant, did you ever think of getting another car?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I got another car. My wife drives it. Of course, it's nothing special. Just for transportation.

Nelson: Come on. Let's go to bed.
Vickie: Is that invitation social or just a professional courtesy?

Joanna: I just can't believe it. I've known Ken too long. He's not a murderer.
Lieutenant: Mrs. Ferris, it wouldn't make any difference, if you knew him for a hundred years, that wouldn't change anything. This man, Franklin, took your husband's life.

Lt. Columbo: Yeah, this other thing is a genuine puzzle. I don't see any answer to this one.
Nelson: Well, maybe I can help you.
Lt. Columbo: Let's hope so, sir.
Nelson: For your sake, or mine?
[Columbo remains silent]

Lieutenant: For $100,000, ya don't kill off Rock Hudson.

[Paul Galesko enjoys a successful showing of his work with his assistant and his publisher]
Ray: Ooh, ooh, ooh, and, and, uh, talking about books, that funny little man came by my office again yesterday.
Paul: What man?
Ray: Oh, you know, the uh, policeman.
Paul: Bombarded you with questions, I suppose, huh?
Ray: Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he bought one of your volumes, so it wasn't a complete waste of time, eh?
Lorna: You know, he did take quite an interest in your work the other day.
Ray: Mm-hm.
Paul: [spots Columbo at a distance] And today as well.
Lorna: Hm?
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Galesko, sir!
Ray: Ah, good afternoon, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: [to Paul] I've been looking all over for you, sir.
Paul: [exasperated] You have.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting...

Walter: [watches the changed reel, sees a character shoot himself in the head, turns away in disgust] HOW LONG are they gonna keep putting stuff like that on television?

Doyle: [to Columbo about the corpse] Good-looking broad except for the, uh, marks around her neck.

Commandant: I have to go, Lieutenant. There's been a terrible accident out at the Montoya Ranch. Maybe you'd like to accompany me? We could talk on the way over.
Lt. Columbo: My wife is waiting at the hotel.
Commandant: All right. I understand. You know, I was thinking that, uh, maybe we could speed up the paperwork on your accident - but, of course, you have to go to your wife, that's all.
Lt. Columbo: That sounds like blackmail.
Commandant: Lieutenant, would I do such a thing to a fellow police officer?

Paul: You don't think so, huh, Lieutenant?

Magic: Dear Jesse. To know him was to detest him.

Margaret: My money. My inheritance.
Mark: Wrong, darling. MY inheritance.

Lieutenant: I had a thought. Listen to this: what if she didn't commit suicide?
Alex: Uh, isn't that peculiar? Because that's what I was gonna say. That... That... I was awake almost all night thinking about the same thing.
Lieutenant: No kidding.
Alex: Yes... only I rejected the idea.

Lt. Columbo: What is this, beef stew?
Thomas: That is the prevailing theory.

Lt. Columbo: Um... but I thought, Miss Chandler, that you didn't approve of Mr. Parks. And, sir, quite frankly, some of the things that you said about...
Nora: Oh!
Lt. Columbo: would indicate to me that...
Nora: You just don't understand show business, Lieutenant. Now, if you'll excuse me. l... I have an appointment with some very important financial people. You see, Hollywood is fighting for survival, Lieutenant.
Jerry: You know, Lieutenant, she's so right. Her dear, departed husband would be spinning in his grave, if he had one.

Columbo: It's a wonder the man finds all the time, right?

Milo: [Ruth, angry that Milo has made a pass at her, starts to leave the restaurant] Where you going?
Ruth: Out!
[She throws a glass of wine in Milo's face]

Lt. Columbo: So, I have to thank my wife for one 'cause she's mad at everybody. She's even mad at the ice cream man. Why does the ice cream truck have to come just before lunch, just before dinner, ruining the child's appetite? I have to listen to that. I hear that three times a week. You know that's twelve times a month.

Lt. Columbo: As I understand it, sir, you had a meeting with him yesterday, and I was wondering...
[Columbo stops himself, looking at a dish on the counter, under glass]
Lt. Columbo: Is that what I think it is? Is that galantine of duck?
Max: Yeah - this is MY galantine
Lt. Columbo: You know I have read about these in cook-books but I have never actually seen one. And those pie-buttons are they real truffles?
Max: Why of course! And the green mousse's are pistachios.
Lt. Columbo: And there is another kind of green meat there, inside?
Max: Hm-mmh, ham!
Lt. Columbo: It's a beautiful art...

Paul: Well, Lieutenant, that man was blind drunk. He didn't know WHAT he heard.

[while trying to find a witness at a homeless shelter, a nun mistakes Lt. Columbo for a homeless man]
Sister: [looking at Columbo's raincoat in dismay] Oh, that coat! Tch, tch, tch! That coat, that coat, that coat...! Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room. Something maybe a bit warmer? What-what size are you? Do you know?
Lt. Columbo: I think there's a misunderstanding.
Sister: Oh, no, brother. No false pride between friends.

Alex: How did people ever listen to symphonies before the age of electronics... and stupid technicians?

Elliot: It's revolutionary in concept really because it won't be offices so much as living modules, almost cocoons where a man can coordinate his activities outside the context of mere business. In fact, if he chooses, it can become virtually a second home, a remarkable place of mobility and freedom. I don't know how the wives will feel about that.

Lt. Columbo: That's some baby!

Roland: You know something Lieutenant, I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Thank you very much. You fellas... you have to fly.
Roland: Sure. We're all pilots.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Not for me. Thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.
Roland: Why? We'd teach you.
Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir, but eh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Steve: I might as well tell you right now, Lieutenant. I'm a boy genius!

Columbo: You don't happen to have another ashtray, do you?

Adrian: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG? EVERYTHING is WRONG! An EXCITING MEAL has been RUINED by the presence of this... This..LIQUID FILTH!

Paul: [referring to Vittorio's death] Albert, can all this be true?
Albert: Mr. Gerard, Vittorio was a fine man. You're a food critic, great critic. I'm a simple chef, but I'm sure I speak for chefs everywhere when I say I wish it was you dead in there.

Sid: Partners? That was on paper, Lieutenant. Clare fought me on everything. She had to have things done her way. If I'd say white, she'd say black. All you gotta do is take a look at this new Ward Fowler contract. Paying an actor that kind of money is... insanity.
Lieutenant: Now wait a minute... let me get this straight. Are you saying you didn't want to pay him that money?
Sid: I think they should have turned him down. I think he would have folded. and Clare argued me right under the table. I was an idiot for giving in... now if the show takes a dip, they'll drop it.
Lieutenant: I still don't understand. You and your wife were partners. Now isn't it to her best interest not to give him all that money?
Sid: In anything involving Ward, she always took his side.

Columbo: Isn't that a coincidence? I'll tell ya this case is just full of 'em.

[Lt. Columbo goes down to the evidence room to follow up on an idea]
Captain: Columbo! Hey! What are you doing down here in the dungeon?
Lt. Columbo: How ya doing, Captain. Well, I was just checking out a few things: the Galesko kidnapping.
Captain: Galesko? I thought that case was closed.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know me, Captain. Just, uh, tying up some loose ends.

Columbo: You mean that's it?
Det. Sgt. O'Keefe: I expect you've seen pictures of the New Scotland Yard, Lieutenant.
Columbo: That looks pretty new to me.
Det. Sgt. O'Keefe: The New Scotland Yard was the old headquarters. Uh, but it wasn't old Scotland Yard. No, no. It was New Scotland Yard, but, um...

Emmett: Chess is never merely a game, my friend.

Lilly: My planets must be in the right house.
Ken: Not only that, but they're working overtime. I have a surprise for you.

Columbo: Anybody here have brown soles or brown heels?

Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.
Harold: Perhaps it's more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you just move in one of our guest rooms.
Columbo: I'm a nuisance, I know, but I do have a problem.

Luis: There are no buts.

Lillian: I've always wanted to be in a horror movie.
Nicholas: Well, you certainly qualify.
Lillian: Thanks.

Lt. Columbo: I thought everybody in the movies was tall.

[Galesko has tied his wife to a chair]
Frances: Are you trying to frighten me with some new-found masculinity?
Paul: I have this... "dream", Frances. I'm working, and, uh, there's a phone call, and he says, "Terribly sorry, Mr. Galesko, but... your wife's dead. Unfortunate accident," and then I always wake up, and I want to cry. Because you're still alive, Frances, and I have nothing to face that day, but another 24 hours with a domineering, nagging, suffocating woman who took all the joy out of my life.
[He takes a pistol out of his briefcase]
Frances: Huh! Paul, don't be a fool! They'll know you did it!
Paul: I don't think so. Not if everything works.
Frances: You'll never get away with it!
Paul: If not... it's a chance I'm gonna take.
Frances: [pleading] Untie me!
[Galesko shoots her]

Columbo: He allowed YOU to decant the claret?
Falcon: Yes. I was honored.
Columbo: Man needs a very steady hand for that.
Falcon: [laughs] Oh, yes. Very steady.

Columbo: Commisioner, I believe you killed your wife, and I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.
Mark: You just lost your badge, my friend.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [to Columbo] Well, we have - we have similar jobs in a way. I wear a uniform, you wear, uh...
[glances at Columbo's disheveled appearance]
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: ...suppose you could call that a uniform...

Jenifer: Well, I thought you might be a little angry.
Alex: How could I be angry looking at you? I just don't like ultimatums, that's all.
Jenifer: I don't like being a secret mistress. It's not my style.
Alex: I know that. You told me.

Ken: After all, friendship is more important than partnership, right?

Santini: [Handing him the handcuffs back] Your handcuffs!
Lt. Columbo: [satisfied he is the murderer] I knew you could do it!

Jeffrey: The Trout Amondine is very good.

Lt. Columbo: You know, isn't it funny the way people react under the stress of a situation?

Columbo: I don't know what she's said but it sounded like she liked me.

Lieutenant: I'll tell ya what the secret is to a good omelet - no eggs, just milk.

Lt. Columbo: You're gonna work... do an autopsy, aren't you?
Deputy: We have to, Lieutenant, it's routine. Remember? Or maybe you've forgotten.

Kay: It doesn't matter. It's only a show. I've got a million of them, Kiddo.

Paul: What makes you think Vittorio was in some sort of trouble?
Lt. Columbo: Mainly because he was murdered, sir. The two, trouble and murder, they seem to go together. At least that's been my experience, sir.

Columbo: Uh, excuse me. My name is Lt. Columbo, I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department, and I need a little help. Uh, can anybody here tell me - did it rain last Tuesday?

Santini: Jerome, you really are an animal.
Jesse: You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other 45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere.
[as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute]
Jesse: Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

Lt. Columbo: Let's start with small things. Let's finish our coffee.

Mrs. Peck: Bum! You're a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! Do you see this?
Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Dr. Henry Willis: [to Grace] Half a million dollars is not a drop in the bucket to anybody, with the possible exception of the Shah of Iran and Howard Hughes.

Mrs. Morgan: [to an apparently drunk Greenleaf] Sir, in your condition I should call the police.
Riley: [sarcastically] Madame, in your condition, i'd call a plastic surgeon.

Lieutenant: I'm Lt. Columbo. I'm a fan of yours, a really big fan. In fact, I just got your latest album.
Alex: Thank you. I didn't realize that you were interested in piano concertos.
Lieutenant: No, no. I'm talking about the album of Strauss waltzes. "The Blue Danube." You know the one I mean?
Alex: Yes. I 'd forgotten that.

Santini: Lieutenant, what IS it about me that you find so irresistible?
Lt. Columbo: Why, you know how it is, sir. I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man.

Jim: Do you ever get the feeling of deja vu?
Ken: What?
Jim: Like you've done something before, but you know you haven't?
Ken: Why? What do you mean?
Jim: I'm getting it right now. It's strange. You know, I've never been here before.
Ken: Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

Lieutenant: How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne make a mistake like THAT?
Ward: Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Lieutenant: Well, what's the difference, sir?
Ward: The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder, and a man under that kind of threat is... apt to make mistakes. He's apt to get rattled.
Lieutenant: Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?
Ward: Lieutenant Lucerne did.
Lieutenant: He did? Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir?

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: Double-agents don't go broke. They die sometimes but they don't go broke.
Nelson: Oh, come along now. That theory about my being a double agent? Now, you know there's no fact in it.
Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors, and I have a lot more than rumors, Nelson.

Columbo: When you said "club," I thought you meant a country club or a health club.
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Mm. Bit stuffy, I'm afraid. Hasn't changed since Father's day.
Columbo: My father was an Elk once, till my mother stopped him.

Paul: Columbo, are you in charge of this mess or not?
Lt. Columbo: Sir...
Paul: This is...!
Lt. Columbo: Sir, I'm only trying to solve a murder...

Oliver: No! This is what he would've done! This! There! There! Oh, my... Oh, my...

Ken: You're not intimidated?
Jim: Come on, Ken. Are you forgetting that... I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team. You don't have gloves on. Your finger's not on the trigger and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

Columbo: Commodore's watch.
Kittering,: Big deal.

Ken: How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that.

Joe: The limerick is furtive and mean. You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Gloria Jr.: Uh, just... one last question.

Lieutenant: Well listen. Audrey, it's been nice talkin to ya, and I appreciate the advice about the dog.
Audrey: [Looking at the dog] What's his name?
Lieutenant: Ya know, I don't know the name yet? What do you think about 'Fido'?
Audrey: [sarcastically] Oh, WOW, how'd you ever think of THAT one?

Lieutenant: I can't stand suicide. Murder is bad, but suicide is sadder.

Grace: That policeman's starting to get on my nerves.
Ned: What's he still hanging around for?
Grace: He says... he's searching for a crystal-clear reason why Henry killed himself. I've tried to be patient, helpful, but the point is Henry did, and he just keeps bringing up painful memories.

Hayden: Why are you checking on previous passengers?
Lt. Columbo: It's the timing of the murder, sir. Whoever killed Miss Wells must've known that she would go to her cabin during the break. You see, that would suggest a member of the crew or a member of the band. A passenger wouldn't know that - not on the FIRST night of the cruise - but a previous passenger WOULD.

Columbo: Uh, what I really wanna do is clear up some gossip I keep hearing - and this'll be my last question: Miss Scott, you're a beautiful woman, you got a lot of life in ya, handsome young man comes to work for ya, Mr. Lessing is an attractive single man...
Viveca: And you heard that I might've dated him a couple of times, is that it? Well, that's quite true. Do you know how long ago that was? That was two years ago, and there've been hundreds since then. I like young men, Lieutenant, lots of them, and if that shocks your ancient masculine double standard, I'm sorry!

Charles: [watching a rat in a maze] He looks just like one of my junior editors!
Dr. Anita Borden: We call her Willy.
Charles: Sorry, I don't have a Willy.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I guess, most people, they like to hear about their personalities, I mean, especially from an expert. Lord knows *I* do. I could sit and listen to someone talk about me for hours.

Columbo: My handwriting is so bad, sometimes I think I should've been a doctor.

Nelson: Colorado is a river.
Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: Geronimo is an Indian.
Nelson: There is no beach like a long beach, an amusement park.
Geronimo/A.J. Henderson: When?
Nelson: In two hours.

Lieutenant: I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer.

Lt. Columbo: I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style, but I get pretty good results.

Lt. Columbo: [after being invited by Abigail Mitchell to speak in front of the Mystery Group Luncheon; about his cigar] I talk better when this is lit.

Sidney: [to Lilian Stanhope] Of course, I'm too young to remember Sarah Bernhardt
[who died in 1923, before either of the characters was born]

Lt. Columbo: I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have this report, uh, about this shooting.
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: A shooting?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. In this house.
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Did it rain last Tuesday?
Bartender: Mister, I can't remember what happened this morning.

Grace: Did you want to see me or do you just enjoy swinging from trees?

Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry... I'm terribly sorry...

Mark: [to his wife] Darling, if you're embarrassed by all your millions, why don't you just sign them over to me? They wouldn't embarrass me in the least.

Dexter: Hey, where's the honeymoon gonna be?
Michael: Dexter, your uncle is getting married tomorrow. It's not the same as going out for a night on the town.

Paul: If... if I hadn't taken that camera. You were counting on that. You didn't accidentally reverse that film, you did that deliberately.

Miguel: But the patrón was kind enough to give me a bottle of mescal, and I had a very pleasant afternoon, but today I have a headache, señor.

Lt. Columbo: Why do you keep saying "he"?
Jerry: Hmm?
Lt. Columbo: About the person who made that mistake last night.
Jerry: Well, it's perfectly natural, isn't it? You say "murderer," I say "he." Male chauvinist at heart.

Columbo: I took a trip a few years ago. Took Mrs. Columbo back to the house where I grew up. Looked all shrunk. I had five brothers and one sister, Miss Freestone, and that was really terrific. There was always someone around for company. We were never lonely.

Linda: [Sarcastically to Harry Stone] I can understand now why Nelson finds you repugnant.

Columbo: You know, bodies have a funny way of surfacing.

Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.
Luke: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That good, ain't it?
Lt. Columbo: [pause] Hmm. Yeah, that explains it.

Columbo: Let me ask you something... how do you figure this guy? I mean, to me; a burglar is like a hungry alley cat. He sneaks around after dark, but if he hears something, he runs.
Lt. Duffy: Haven't you ever heard of Future Shock? The world's going to hell with itself! Believe me Columbo, times have changed.

Columbo: I stopped by your place. Your housekeeper told me you were down here swimming.
Milo: Twenty minutes a day. You ought to try it, Columbo.
Columbo: No, I'm afraid not, sir. I can't swim. I don't even like a deep tub.

TV: Early on in the Korean War, as a colonel commanding a regiment of armored cavalry, Hollister captured the imagination of the American people.

Ward: Why don't we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple for one moment?

Milo: My markup is very small. But I have to maintain quality. That's what gives me control.

Ken: And now, sir... I'm gonna kidnap you.

Gas: Want me to wipe your windshield, sir?
Lt. Columbo: No, that's all right. Don't bother. I can see through it.

Lieutenant: Now, look, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me, and I think you had a terrible experience in there, and I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.
Joanna: Don't you think they want to ask me questions?
Lieutenant: Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions, and I'll call 'em and I'll tell them you're with me.

Columbo: Mrs. Clay, where have you been?
Joanna: I don't know where I've been... for years.

Harold: Well, Margaret, let out all of your secret frustrations. It's good for the soul - if you still have one.

Harris: You ever, uh, consider getting another car?
Lt. Columbo: I got another car. My wife drives it, but that's nothin' special. Just transportation.

Sergeant: Well, sir, different officers do have their different methods. I must say, the lieutenant's investigatory procedures do differ somewhat from my own.
Jarvis: Well, that speaks very well for you, Sergeant Wilson.

Columbo: Have a nice meditation.

Lt. Columbo: You know, a part of me really didn't want 'em to add up.

Columbo: Well, you've got some family, Miss Lytton. Everybody thinks I'm getting ready to arrest them.
Ruth: Everybody but me.
Columbo: Yes. It's a relief talking to you. I was beginning to feel like a policeman.
Ruth: You ARE a policeman - and a good one. You say a thing when you're ready to say it and not before.

Lt. Columbo: Well, this is quite a coincidence. I had no idea you were here.
Paul: Would you care to join me?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm really not hungry, sir. I just polished off three mushrooms stuffed with crab meat, but I'll join you anyway. If you're anything like me, you're not too crazy about eating alone.

Mr. Fallon: [to Columbo] Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice - avoid actors. They'll kill ya.

Columbo: I mean, you put a body under a building, you would find it for a hundred years.
Elliot: I'll keep that in mind, Lieutenant, in case I kill somebody.

Lt. Columbo: Now, when the cube is in the water tank, you're not really in that cube, right?
Santini: Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Lt. Columbo: It's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets.
Santini: My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do THAT.

Lt. Columbo: ALL CADETS, REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE!
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Lieutenant, what the hell's going on here?

Columbo: Miss Scott, are you aware that Karl Lessing had a photograph of yours which he put in his dartboard and which he used as a target?
Viveca: A what?
Columbo: Now, don't get excited. It doesn't mean anything. A lot of people wanna throw darts at their bosses. You know, as a matter of fact, a while back here, uh, there was a captain of detectives, and he and I didn't get along. I used to have fantasies about him. I always had my hands around his throat...
Viveca: You belong in a museum!

Lt. Columbo: It's just that... I get bugged by those little things.

Lt. Columbo: [prepares to leave] Well, I'll be running along, sir. Thank you very much for the time.
Paul: It's all right.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, there's one other thing, sir, uh... it's a bit of a problem...

Lt. Columbo: You know what the problem is? You're a celebrity. Because of you, my boss, he won't let me close up this case until I covered everything. Every loose end's gotta be tied up. Hey, make you crazy. So that's the problem.
Tommy: That's a cryin' shame. It really is. Man with your talent, real killers loose out there, and they got you chasin' smoke.
Lt. Columbo: Whadda ya gonna do? That's the job, right? You take the good with the bad.

Columbo: Can we talk off the record, sir?

Alex: Did you have anything specific that you wanted to talk to me about?
Lieutenant: No, I'm gonna get to that, but I'm fascinated by money. Aren't you?
Alex: Yeah, I'm fascinated by money, for what it can do. That's all.

Lt. Columbo: Would you believe it? The first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.
Nelson: I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
Lt. Columbo: Whattaya mean, sir?
Nelson: Uh, nothin'. It's a small joke.

Helen: With all the men in the world, I always seem to pick Mr. Wrong. Uh, I am seriously considering locking myself in a closet for the rest of my life.
Lt. Columbo: No, that's wrong. That's just the way my niece, Marilyn, felt after her divorce. Now she's got a new husband. As a matter of fact, he's a cop... and they got six kids.
Helen: Oh, Lieutenant, I mean just between us, would you tell me the truth? Do you really have a niece?
Lt. Columbo: Well what kind of a question is that, do I really have a niece!
Helen: Well do you?
Lt. Columbo: Of course I've got a niece. My wife's sisters girl, Cynthia.

Lieutenant: [to Lucerne] That's brilliant, sir. That's very impressive. No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.

Milo: One more thing, Lieutenant. Those cigars you smoke... they're gonna kill you.
Columbo: [out of breath from jogging behind Milo] Uh, yes sir, that's about how I feel right now.

Columbo: Excuse me, Darryl?
Darryl: Yes?
[sees Columbo's hair]
Darryl: A challenge but I'll do my best. Sit please, please.
Columbo: Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.
Darryl: Ah, don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.
Columbo: Uh, no, sir.
[looks in the mirror]
Columbo: Is it that bad?
Darryl: Mm-hm, yes. Yes, now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Columbo: I don't think he, Charles Clay... I don't think he murdered anybody.
Kittering,: Really, Mr. Columbo. Charlie certainly went to a lot of trouble if he didn't murder the commodore.
Columbo: Oh, I think he would have gone to twice that much trouble if he thought that his wife had murdered the commodore.

Lt. Columbo: [applying deductive reasoning to the crime scene] He never did what he came up here to do. He came up here to count his money, double-locked the door, put the money on his desk, but he never opened the box. Why? Was it because he got absorbed in listening to music, or did he have something more important to do?
Sgt. John J. Wilson: I would assume it was because he had something more important to do.
Lt. Columbo: I think he had something more important to do.

Mr. Weekly: It's called defensive driving.

Paul: Columbo I told you I called Eric from the box just before the game, I called him again from the box, about the end of the 1st quarter.
Lt. Columbo: Unfortunately the telephone company's records can't prove that.
Paul: But that's not my problem, is it?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. That's my problem.

Kermit: It is in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and Secretary Salah.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that''s all very well and good except for one thing.
Capt. August: What is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: He's the murderer.

Columbo: You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn't gonna be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured, if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

Miss: Mr. Markham has a saying, you can't put a price tag on genius.

Columbo: No, sir, we're looking for somebody else. We're looking for somebody... somebody who tried to make a murder look like a burglary.

Helen: With all the men in the world, I always seem to pick Mr. Wrong. Uh, I am seriously considering locking myself in the closet for the rest of my life.
Lt. Columbo: No, that's wrong. That's just the way my niece, Marilyn, felt after her divorce. Now she's got a new husband. As a matter of fact, he's a cop... and they got six kids.
Helen: Oh, Lieutenant, I mean just between us, would you tell me the truth? Do you really have a niece?
Lt. Columbo: Well what kind of a question is that, do I really have a niece!
Helen: Well do you?
Lt. Columbo: Of course I've got a niece. My wife's sisters girl, Cynthia.

Columbo: [to Ric's fiancée] You two didn't have a fight or anything, did yuh?
Joan: No, but...
Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?
Joan: Three times.
Columbo: Three times. I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Lt. Columbo: You have my house bugged.
Nelson: I know.

Jessica: [Columbo has just rung the doorbell to Milo Janus' mansion and is clearly distracted when the bikini-clad Jessica opens the door] Yes?
Columbo: I'm looking for um... uh... uhh Mi-lo Janus.
Jessica: Are you sure?
Columbo: Am I sure what, ma'am?
Jessica: You sounded as if you weren't sure who you were looking for.
Columbo: Milo Janus. Sure! Oh yeah!
Jessica: Well, this is his house.
Columbo: No, I was just think' about somethin' else... uh...

Dr. Eric Mason: You pass yourself off as a puppy in a raincoat, happily running around the yard, digging holes all over the garden, Only, you're digging a minefield and wagging your tail.

Lt. Columbo: [Lt. Columbo is preparing to test fire a bullet for a ballistics check] Would you mind?
Hayden: Mind what?
Lt. Columbo: Mind firing the gun into the mattress. I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot. I'm liable to miss.

Beth: You're getting old, Mother, or hadn't you noticed?

Alex: I'm guilty, you know that. Just for the record, I love you.

Lt. Columbo: I know I've been a pest. I'm just trying to do my job. I won't bother you anymore.
Paul: Oh, I hope you mean that, Lieutenant. For your sake and for mine.

Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you the truth. I got a crazy notion I know why Rangel was killed.
Commandant: What?
Lt. Columbo: Trouble is I don't think anybody's gonna believe me.

Alex: I mean, this woman is late. She's late for everything. She doesn't think there's anyone else in the world alive!

Carl: The Lieutenant was looking for you, Mr. Markham.
Elliot: I'm sure he was.

Elliot: [as Columbo enters] Ah, the omnipresent constable!

Columbo: It had to be noise. I mean, that's the only thing that would explain it; otherwise, why would her door open? You see, that's my problem, sir. What caused the door to open? There HAD to be a noise.
Harold: Uh, she didn't tell me the door opened.
Columbo: She didn't?
Harold: No.
Columbo: She didn't tell me, either.

Lt. Columbo: You told a lot of lies, sir. Course, most of 'em can be explained in your capacity as a spy, but not the big one.

Paul: Have you eaten?
Lt. Columbo: Ah, yes, sir. It seems I've been eating quite a bit lately. It's terrific.

Adrian: I'm afraid I don't know very much about motor-cars, Lieutenant. My life begins, and ends, with wine.

Grace: Have you taken leave of your senses?
Columbo: Well, I guess it looks that way, doesn't it?

Ned: Anyway, what difference does it make? It doesn't mean anything.
Columbo: Oh, it means a great deal, sir. It goes to the very heart of the matter.

Karl: You still like those, uh, tequila cocktails with the organic cactus juice, right? I've always thought that was an appropriate drink for you.

Columbo: I couldn't sleep last night. There were a couple of points that... were bothering me so I thought I'd come over here and clear 'em up.
Beth: What kind of points?
Columbo: That newspaper.
Beth: Newspaper?
Columbo: Uh, yes. The one that I noticed on the table in the foyer. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I hear you say that you... were home all day yesterday?
Beth: That's right.
Columbo: See that's what puzzles me. How did that newspaper get there?
Beth: Haven't you ever heard of home delivery?
Columbo: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I have a newspaper delivered to my house every morning.
Beth: There's your answer.
Columbo: No. No, that won't answer it. No. No, the newspaper on the foyer table, that was a late edition. I mean, I even saw racetrack results in it.
Beth: I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Columbo: Well, if you were home all day who brought home the newspaper?
Beth: Well, Bryce must have brought it home.
Columbo: Yes, but Bryce came in through your room, he didn't come in through... the front door. I mean, he was shot on that side of the house. How did that newspaper get to the other end of the house?

Lieutenant: Are you still with me?
Alex: I'm standing here.

Captain: Columbo, why... why are you wasting your time with this?
Lt. Columbo: Because it bothers me, and I couldn't sleep, and, uh, I kept thinking about it!

Lt. Columbo: Mr. Salah, I have made a discovery that you are going to find emotionally disturbing. I want you to be prepared for that.

Hassan: A child tries; a man accomplishes.

Sir: Today I finally realize, after all my years as a producer, I... I've simply been taken - taken by a ham and a tart.

Oliver: I want what is DUE me! Some affection, understanding, gratitude! Support in the worst of times!
Vivian: I don't know what you're talking about.
Oliver: I have embezzled funds! And I did it for you.
Vivian: Oliver, I've never understood about business. I belong to another part of your life.
Oliver: Do you understand what I am telling you?
Vivian: No. And I don't think I want to.

Dr. Frank Simmons: And, Lieutenant, as for you, you have an obtuse manner which some people find ingratiating. I do not. Do you follow me?

Lt. Columbo: You understand, Miss Chandler, the only reason your poor secretary is dead is because somebody made a terrible mistake last night.

Lt. Columbo: What do you have to do to win one of them things?
Shooting: Knock down the ducks ten out of ten.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife would go for that.
Shooting: Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant. Hey... hey, you're a pro.
Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.

Mazoor: I am the coach to Tomlin Dudek.
Columbo: Coach? You mean like a football team? Something like that? That kind of coach?
Mazoor: It's hardly the same, Lieutenant.

Paul: You're the cops. You figure it out.

Durkee: You can't blame reporters. There's always a good deal of guessing when someone famous...

Ken: I give you... our divorce.
Jim: Well... it's not really a divorce.
Ken: Oh, sure it is. Come on, let's be honest. I mean, it... it's no alimony but it's a termination. Oh yes, and our dear little children. All fifteen of them. Fifty million copies.

Jennifer: Isn't there anything you do badly?
Elliot: Yes. Lose.

Mr. Fallon: [to Columbo] I would never typecast you as a detective, either.

Jim: Did you ever get a feeling of déjà vu?

Suzy: I've tried Esalen, Primal Scream, Pyramid Power, Synanon, a Black Mass in San Francisco, open marriage, est, TA, TM, I'm Okay You're Okay, and I'm still a target.

Teddy: [being pushed on the swing] I said higher!
Columbo: Higher? All right, listen, you go higher and I'll eat your ice cream. All right?

Ken: Has Jim been found yet? Has he been found yet?
Lieutenant: Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?
Ken: Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego. You must know the story is on every news station.
Lieutenant: Oh, right, yeah, gee. I shoulda thought of that.

Dexter: And remember... When ze husband comes home tonight, let him know what wonderful eating can do for the marriage.

Columbo: You see, back home, we call this the spine of the book, and you know you can break that thing by putting it down upside-down like that. Of course, I never knew that until I did it to my mother-in-law's cookbook. She almost hit me with a frying pan.

Santini: Oh, didn't I tell you? I always have brandy brought to me exactly at the same time each evening. It calms the nerves.

Miguel: You know, it is funny, señor, in a desert like this, sometimes you see the rain but only over there in the mountains. It never gets here.

Suzy: I like the way you wear your hair.
Lt. Columbo: What I'm saying is... Oh, thank you very much, ma'am. I like the way you wear yours.

Joe: Here's to friendship, ripe and long. Here's to voices raised in song. Here's to a long and thirsty night. Here's to the stuff that makes it right.

Goldie: The current Mrs. Williamson. I call her the next-ex. Don't get me wrong, lover. She's half my age and twice as pretty but I like her. Bo reached the point where he thought he needed a younger woman, and she's better than most.
Columbo: I gotta say this for you, you got a pretty healthy attitude.
Goldie: I can afford it. He pays, you know. I tell you, lover, if gold lame was legal tender, I'd rule the world.

Paul: Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?
Lt. Columbo: You know you did the same thing the first time I came in here? Last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.
Paul: I did what?
Lt. Columbo: You turned the radio down, but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's all right. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game, My wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I wanna hear that game, And I don't care how important the interruption.
Paul: Your wife has my sympathy.
Lt. Columbo: However, when I told you about the fresh water on the decking, when I told you that Eric Wagner might have been murdered, You know what you did? Turned the radio completely off. Well, I thought I'd struck a chord or something.
Paul: No, Columbo, you struck out. Now will you please go find somebody else to pester?

Lisa: Actually, it's a challenging time for me. It's a time when you want to draw from that... that interspacial life force, and, well, I think Clifford understood it better than I. He also understood our bodies. Oh. He loved our bodies. I guess people snickered at us a little. You know, spring in the lap of December. But you know something, Mr. Columbo? There's no age barrier in feeling comfortable with somebody.

Salvatore: You worry about the Chinese? I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why? Because they can pull out of the Olympics but they can't pull out of soy beans!

Columbo: There HAS to be an explanation.
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Oh, come, come, come, come. Don't be so distressed. At least it's been amusing chasing an American wild goose for a change, eh?

Doctor: Are you looking for something?
Columbo: Uh, do you have a lighter?
Doctor: You won't find one here, Lieutenant. And let me give you some free medical advise: stop smoking those things.
Columbo: Well, I-I've been trying.
Doctor: Trying isn't good enough. Remember, I deal in pacemakers.

Lt. Columbo: Good evening, ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?
Eve: I'm not sure.
Lt. Columbo: Is it a big place or is he just out to the police?

Mr. Jones: Anything for the Yard, Mr. Durk.

Lieutenant: All right, come on, dog.
Dr. Benson: Hey, you got a name for him yet?
Lieutenant: Nah, I was thinking of watching him and give him a name that fits something he did, but all he does is sleep and drool.

Columbo: Oh, I didn't come to ask any more questions. I came to arrest you.

Lt. Columbo: Can you verify that?
Santini: Can I verify WHAT?
Lt. Columbo: That you were actually here?
Santini: Well, you really ARE something.

Audrey: Is this your dog?
Lieutenant: Yeah, I guess it is.
Audrey: How would you like it if somebody locked you up like that? With the windows closed and everything!
Lieutenant: I didn't want him get out.
Audrey: Then leave the window open a crack.

Peter: ...I won't be a hypocrite, Lieutenant. I'm sorry about poor Bryce being killed, but it has gotten Beth out from under his thumb.
Columbo: Oh, yeah, yeah... Way out! Huh?
[He gestures with his hands]

Beth: I think you've finally overstayed your welcome.

Harold: Margaret, dear, have you done something to your hair?
Margaret: No.
Harold: [Sarcastically] That's what I thought.

Ken: I must say I don't envy you.
Lieutenant: I don't envy myself.

Alex: Am I too late for the lynching?

Bo: And if you're on some kind of an ego trip you find somebody else to pay for it.

Adrian: May our enemies never be as happy as we are at this moment.

Lt. Columbo: [Sgt. Wilson taps on the window and hold up Columbo's raincoat] I'll be a son-of-a-gun. Where did you find that? I've been looking all over for it.
Sgt. John J. Wilson: In the lost-and-found. You left it in the cafeteria.
Lt. Columbo: I thought somebody stole it.
Sgt. John J. Wilson: At police headquarters?

Lt. Columbo: [Showing ID in a hushed tone] L.A.P.D., Lieutenant Columbo. I just didn't want to identify myself in front of the reporter.
Roland: Why not?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's like you're saying, it's better to be unofficial until you get the facts.

Lt. Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. Hope you don't mind.
Dale: Oh, that's your job. And?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, all right. So that if Mr. Matthews was killed at eleven o'clock, then you sure didn't do it.
Dale: Now isn't that a shame, Lieutenant? And here I am, your best and most obvious suspect, too. Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.
Dale: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

Mrs. Chadwick: I should think that would be obvious. I'm in no mood for coffee.

[last lines]
Ken: You wanna know the irony of all this? That is my idea, the only really good one I ever had. I must have told it to Jim over five years ago. Hm. Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?

Lt. Columbo: Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: You'll be all right, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

[first lines]
[Jim works in his office]
Jim: [knock on the door] Who is it?
[another knock on the door]
Jim: [He opens the door - Ken is aiming a gun at his face. Jim laughs]
Ken: Oh, you're not intimidated.
Jim: Oh, come on, Ken. You're forgetting that I'm one-half of the world's greatest mystery-writing team? You, ah, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger, and there are no bullets in the cylinder.
Ken: [smiling] You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.

Lieutenant: Mr. Benedict home?
Lieutenant: You musician?
Lieutenant: No, cop.
The: Cop?
Lieutenant: Policeman. C-O-L-U-M-B-O. Me.
The: Oh! Come in, please. You musician. You stay.

Dr. Bart Keppel: [having listened to Columbo's theory] You're an interesting man, Lieutenant, very interesting.
Lt. Columbo: I take it, that's a compliment?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes, it tis; however, you have to take it a bit further. You may really be onto something; you have to take the next step.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, what is that, sir?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Look at the film, examine it carefully, see if there are any subliminal cuts. Oh, of course, I should have realized. You've already done that.
Lt. Columbo: I have.
Dr. Bart Keppel: What did you find?
Lt. Columbo: No splices.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Aw, that's too bad. What a shame. Such a good idea.
Lt. Columbo: Could've been two prints.
Dr. Bart Keppel: TWO prints! Well, that's an interesting notion, too. If I were you, I'd get busy and find that second print. Your entire case could rest on that.
Lt. Columbo: Doctor, I don't think I'm gonna find the second print.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Really? Why not?
Lt. Columbo: I think that the criminal in this case is much too intelligent to leave that kind of evidence around. Of course, I'm gonna check all the film duplicating labs, but I got a feeling this guy did his own duplicating.
Dr. Bart Keppel: That must be very frustrating for you, Lieutenant.
[Doctor Keppel leaves but Columbo follows and catches up]
Lt. Columbo: Uh, Doc? I just wanted to thank you for all your help.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Anytime.

Dr. Bart Keppel: [voiceover narration for motivational film] Nothing can happen in this country until someone sells something. We are traditionally a nation of salesmen but, most importantly, we have advanced salesmanship to a creative art. It has been the ability of salesmen representing American products and capital around the globe that has made American business preeminent.
[as the speech continues via tape recorder, Dr. Keppel slips out, kills Vic Norris, and returns, picing up the speech many lines later]
Dr. Bart Keppel: Salesmanship, a profession that has become a way of life, our most powerful weapon in the war of ideas and economies, a tribute to American creativity.

Oliver: I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children; so, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift, conceal it from my own brothers and sisters, my classmates, in the service... Painful, lonely years.

Norman Paris: You got the Degas. I got the Picassos.
Dexter: [Derisively] Norman, you couldn't tell Picasso from a Rorschach test!
Norman Paris: Can anyone? I know very much what they're worth.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: [to Neil] You know, sometimes you make humility sound more like a vice than a virtue.

Columbo: [pointedly] Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. No dust.

Columbo: Of all the dumb luck.
Harold: Pardon me?
Columbo: Three feet, sir. If he'd come another three feet into the room, we'd've had a perfect picture of him.

Everett: The possibility of murder? But that's ridiculous.
Doris: What difference does it make? Dead is... is dead, isn't it?

Adrian: Our father was a good man, a good Italian; he provided the wine. My mother was English; she provided the breeding. Your mother, on the other hand, appears to have been responsible for all the courser sides of your nature.

Alex: Goodbye, genius.

Lt. Columbo: You ask tough questions, Doc.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: So does a jury.

Beth: Well, if I've changed, it's because I thought you'd like a more exciting woman.
Peter: A change, yes, but a complete metamorphosis? I'm not sure, Beth, you're the same person.
Beth: Maybe I'm not.

[final line]
Lt. Columbo: This far, and no farther!

Lt. Columbo: Do you have any wine?
Nelson: A cellar-full!
Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.
Nelson: What kind would you like?
Lt. Columbo: [after deliberating] Oh, red.

Milo: Every cent I make I reinvest into the company. When I make money, you make money.

Columbo: There's no doubt she did it, but I have a problem with this case.

Mrs. Peck: You... You must belong in some pigsty.

Columbo: You're a great classical music fan yourself, aren't you? I saw your record collection down in the office.
Elliot: Guilty, Lieutenant. I like classical music. Along with a few hundred thousand other people in this city.

Alex: You sound like your mother. She'd like me to go around as somber as the ghost... as august as Brahms, as fierce as Beethoven. Did you know that Brahms used to tell dirty stories? He used to have a cigar and use it... while he was conducting sometimes, in concerts. And Beethoven, he was...
Janice: Yes, I know. You told me he was a sex maniac.
Alex: So am I.

Bo: I'm gonna tell you somethin', Jackson Boy: my wallet is a lot more important to me than my name.

Michael: Well, it's always flattering to be considered, however briefly.

Lillian: You're beginning to look exactly like a Londoner.
Columbo: Oh, you mean this. No, no, ma'am. I just bought this. You see, ever since I've been in London, I've been thinkin' and thinkin', what would be the best souvenir to bring back to Los Angeles?
Nicholas: I thought you'd be on your way home by now.
Columbo: Right. But I sort of missed the plane. Anyway, it suddenly struck me... an umbrella.

Ken: See if Mrs. Melville were on this case, she would be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.
Lieutenant: Is that the lady in the books?
Ken: That's right. You see she would have figured it out that this is not just someone missing. This is a professional killing.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, think tank! Oh, I read about that in the paper. Yeah, that's, uh, that's a place full of geniuses, right?
Dr. Marshall Cahill: Well...
Lt. Columbo: Right. Uh, may I ask, sir, uh, just what is it that YOU do here?
Dr. Marshall Cahill: I'm the director.

Lt. Columbo: I gotta get my dog to the vet.
Paul: Oh! Is he sick?
Lt. Columbo: No sir, he's in love... or he was in love. With the cocker spaniel next door. But the family moved away, and now the dog... he won't eat, he won't sleep. He just lays around. I can't look at him.
Paul: Well, Lieutenant, I never owned a pet, so I wouldn't know how to advise you.
Lt. Columbo: Uh huh, 's too bad. Uh... I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?
Paul: A picture?
Lt. Columbo: You know, I mean maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. Ya know, something he could look at. Kind of like a pin-up.
Paul: No. Really.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. Nah, that's a terrible idea. I mean, a dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. The dog would know it wasn't her. Ha! Forget I mentioned it.
Paul: Yeah, I will, Lieutenant!

Lillian: Nicky, darling, won't an autopsy... give a clue as to what we did with Roger's body after he was dead?
Nicholas: I'm not sure. I really don't know.
Lillian: Well, why don't you know? If you'd taken that part in the Agatha Christie play, like I told you to, you would know these things.

Lieutenant: [Upset that a beautiful young pianist has apparently committed suicide] A man... the man... a person... somebody. Woman like that's gotta have somebody. Eyes like that! But that's me, I'm paranoic. Every time I see a dead body, I think it's been murdered. Can't imagine anyone murdering themselves... especially a young girl like that... beautiful eyes... but that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

Goldie: Honey, I've got gold-plated instincts and I trust 'em.

Vickie: Sometimes you frighten me.
Nelson: What are you talking about?
Vickie: That act you put on.
Nelson: Act?
Vickie: Mm-hmm, when you heard about Harry's being dead.
Nelson: I was shocked!
Vickie: That's what frightens me! You were so convincing. I know how you despised him!

Columbo: [looking over several modern pieces at an art gallery] Um, now, this here... I see it doesn't have a title.
Francine: That?
Columbo: Yes.
Francine: That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Lt. Columbo: I expected to see you at Mr. Rossi's funeral. I guess you couldn't make it.
Paul: I never go to funerals. I prefer to remember my friends as I saw them last.
Lt. Columbo: I believe Mr. Rossi was yelling at you when you saw him last. Isn't that right, sir?
Paul: You mustn't take me literally, Lieutenant.

Lillian: You are a reporter?
Columbo: Oh, no, ma'am, no. Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry. No, my name is Columbo. I'm just a visiting fireman.

Columbo: [hearing Big Ben chime and checking his watch] Boy, that's terrific. Thing that old, it's only a minute slow.
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Really. We must put another penny on the governor.

Roger: You mean, that old heap out there is yours?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, yeah. It needs a coat of paint, doesn't it?

Mazoor: Lieutenant, I shall rely that your investigative imagination is... somewhat better than that of your underling.

Karen: Do we really need it, Mr. Carsini?
Adrian: Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.

Tony: Look, this whole thing better work. It just better work, that's all.
Jarvis: Oh, it'll work. I planned it.

Lieutenant: I'm making a pest of myself.
Ken: No .
Lieutenant: Yes, yes, I am. I know it's because I keep asking these questions. But I'll tell you. I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Jerry: Her dear, departed husband would be spinning in his grave... if he had one.

Paul: You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that, but I really don't care for you very much.
Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you. I respect your talent, but I don't like anything else about you.

Adrian: Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Mrs. Brandt: I'll have you disbarred for this - whatever the hell that word is.
Columbo: Yes, ma'm. "Fired" I think is the word you want.

Lizzy: Alex likes all that glamor, I suppose, but what have actors got to do with music?
Janice: Mother, they're people, too.
Lizzy: I doubt it.

Vickie: [Sarcastically to Nelson] Don't tell me a little thing like Harry's getting murdered's enough to make you sleep at home tonight?

Lieutenant: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.
Ken: Naw!
Lieutenant: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: You don't recognize me?
Helen: Well, no. Should I?
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: You said that you saw me... shoot somebody today. No, no, you have nothing to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart, but if you'll watch the late news tonight, I'm sure you'll agree that, uh, you've miscast me... as a murderer.

Lt. Columbo: I think I'm crazy.
Lt. Columbo: [writing note] Why didn't he rent car sooner?

Luis: [losing control before Columbo] If you understood the first thing about bullfighting, you would not question Hector's death.

Lt. Columbo: [Columbo shows Dale Kingston a print he bought of a painting by Sam Franklin] What do you think? Any good?
Dale: For wallpaper in a child's room, absolutely perfect. In fact, looks like it might have been done by an untalented twelve-year-old.
Lt. Columbo: You know, I was kind of afraid you were gonna say something like that. But you know, then I say, why would you bother to go there last night, if this guy's stuff is so bad? I mean, this was painted by the artist whose exhibit you were covering...
Dale: Lieutenant Columbo, unlike my uncle, I am NOT independently wealthy. I have to work for a living. Magazines pay me to review art. Unfortunately, they pay me best when I write hostile reviews about hacks like Sam Franklin.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, well, I tell ya, I'd sure hate to see his review when you write it.
Dale: Hmmm.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Some problems with geometry, Miller?
Boodle: Yes, sir, but my grades are better this quarter, sir.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Work on them, Miller. Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
Boodle: Yes, sir.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Dismissed.
Boodle: Yes,sir.

Margaret: You're pretty observant.
Lt. Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.

Lt. Columbo: You see this newspaper? This is the same edition of the newspaper that the letters and words for the ransom note were cut out of. I'm trying to reconstruct that note.
Paul: You need any help with your spelling, lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you what the problem is. We found this newspaper in the motel room. It was sprawled over a chair. It was left there, even though the maid said that she cleaned up the room.
Paul: Yes, I told you. She probably lied.
Lt. Columbo: That's the problem, sir. You see this terrible mess I'm making? There's just no way to cut up this paper and paste together this note without making a mess. I know. I tried it last night, my wife and I.
Paul: Columbo, what's your point?
Lt. Columbo: My point is this: if the maid forgot to clean up the room, then why didn't we find little bits and pieces of paper somewhere? You see the problem? If she did clean up the room, then everything gets thrown out. All the bits and pieces of paper gets thrown out and the newspaper gets out. If she doesn't clean up the room, then these scraps of paper, they have to be somewhere. You can see the contradiction.

Sergeant: You got a European car?
Columbo: That's a French car. Yeah, my car's a French car.

Sgt. Leftkowitz: You know, Lieutenant, um, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.
Columbo: Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there, you know?

Mrs. Brandt: There is a man's arm to support any woman who wants one.
Ruth: No, not any woman.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man, with the name of Columbo... shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?
Lt. Columbo: Must've been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Lieutenant: This a copy?
Ken: Hardly. It's an original.
Lieutenant: Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff in the museums.

Dale: No matter how abstract the painting, he always signs his name realistically.

Columbo: Look, Doctor, really...
Doctor: I know, you came here to ask me questions. But a checkup never hurts. Now, do you get enough exercise?
Columbo: Well, I walk a bit. Doctor, listen. I just had a police physical.
Doctor: Can't have too many, Lieutenant.

Peter: Lieutenant, why are you hounding Beth?
Columbo: Hounding? Who me? Oh no, I'm not hounding anybody. Oh no. No. No, what I'm trying to do is get to the bottom of this thing.
Peter: Y'now Lieutenant, I like you. I really do. But you are devious.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, sir?
Walter: Yes?
Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?
Walter: No.
Lt. Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?

Lieutenant: Oh, there's one more thing, sir.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Hey, you, mister! You better hand that over to the police.
Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna do that, sir.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: This is a restricted area. You better leave. Officer. You may wish to detain this man. He refuses to leave the area.
Sergeant: This man is Lt. Columbo, sir. He's in charge of the investigation.

Miss: Baruk, kiss!
[training dog attacks padded man]
Miss: Baruk, out! Come! Baruk, come!
Lt. Columbo: Miss Cochran! Ma'am!
[runs up to her]
Miss: [to Baruk] Good boy. Good boy.
Lt. Columbo: What did you just do?
Miss: Just an attack command.
Lt. Columbo: But you said...
Lt. Columbo: [eyes the dog warily] ... K-I-S-S, ma'am.
Miss: Well, that's Baruk's attack word. A dog can respond to any command as long as he's trained to understand it. Here, I'll show you. Baruk. Watch him. Watch him. Kill!
[Baruk jumps up on Lt. Columbo and licks his face]
Lt. Columbo: [relieved] Oh, ho, yes! Yes, you're a good doggie. Yes. All right. All right, that's enough.
Miss: Baruk, down.
Lt. Columbo: That's enough.
Miss: Down.
Lt. Columbo: All right. Whew. You mean that a trainer can control a dog with any word? Any word at all?
Miss: A sign, or a sound, a word - ANY word, in any language.

Lt. Columbo: Any man that can sing like that can't be all bad

Officer: [seeing Columbo's unlit cigar] Hey-ay, can I light that for you?
Columbo: No, no thanks. Tryin' to cut down. All I do is chew 'em lately.
Officer: Why don't you chew a cheaper cigar?
Columbo: I don't want to cut down on my standard of living.

Lt. Columbo: But I'm sure you're good at games, sir.

Lt. Columbo: My car's right here. It's French. Very rare.
[Abigail looks at Columbo's car, dust-covered, front grill manged, and with license plate askew]
Abigail: Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Adrian: You're an Italian, aren't you?
Columbo: Uh, yes, sir, on both sides.
Adrian: Well, you should know about good wine. It goes with the heritage.
Columbo: Well, I guess I kind of messed up in that department. I'm gonna tell ya somethin' else - uh, I'm probably the only Italian in the world who can't sing either.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I can remember the only new car my father ever bought. How proud he was. The way it smelled. Kind of like the inside of a Pullman car. It wasn't like this though, I'll tell you that.
Abigail: My father never owned a car. Not until I bought him one. I was 20; I'd just sold my first book. Shall we compare poverty stories, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Not in a Rolls Royce, ma'am.

Commandant: If there is a crime here, I want to get to the bottom of it. Better yet, I would like YOU to get to the bottom of it.
Lt. Columbo: Me?

Lt. Columbo: I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard, but that's an old problem with me, sir. The way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things, someday the whole sky is gonna light up, and it's gonna say "tilt," and that's gonna be the end of the world.

Alex: You see, artists are very, very delicate. They're strange. They go up, and they come down, and they go up, and when they come down, they go down, down, down, and they get distraught. They get full of emotions. They get unable to cope with anything. And we don't realize this until it's too late.

Columbo: You know, what's a funny thing about that car. Car's got a tape machine in it and the glove compartment is full of cassettes. Every one of them is country and western music. That's all. And his wife tells me this man doesn't listen to anything else.
Elliot: Nothing unusual about that.
Columbo: No. Except the radio dial was set at 52, classical station. Turned it on, classical music.

Dr. Bart Keppel: Sounds like you feel a little empty-headed at the moment, but I don't think you're empty-headed at all.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, thank you very much.

Eve: Don't ask me any questions. I'm calling my attorney.
Lt. Columbo: Wait a minute. No. Instead of doing that, why don't you do yourself a favor? Take this appointment book... and put it some place where I can't see it.

Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Sergeant: Yes, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Policeman: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Second: Yes, I am, sir.
Paul: Witness to what?
Sergeant: You just incriminated yourself, sir.

Columbo: You and Mrs. Chadwick, are you going to be married?
Peter: You don't believe in preliminaries, do you?
Columbo: Well y'now sometimes, you just...

Milo: You know something, Columbo? You're a devious man.
Columbo: That's what they tell me.

Columbo: I'd like to make a preliminary check - if you don't mind.
Charles: No, no, no. I like everything... preliminary.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I do kind of wonder about the pool service. By any chance you don't happen to know... whether they come to the Wagner house on Sundays?
Paul: I don't know of any pool service who works on Sunday at all. Why?
Lt. Columbo: Oh there was just this water around the pool decking.
Paul: Well, that's normal for there to be water around the pool, ain't there?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. But not fresh water. No chlorine in it.

Santini: Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic we like to ask a member of our audience, a volunteer, to step forward on the stage to be Santini's attendant - or assistant, if you would. Perhaps a beautiful young woman.
[Columbo immediately jumps up and approaches the stage eagerly]
Santini: We have a beautiful young man, instead.

Sgt. John J. Wilson: You know, Lieutenant, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing, but there was no paper in the typewriter.
Sgt. John J. Wilson: Hm.
Lt. Columbo: And there was no typewritten documents on either the desk, in the drawers, or on top. There is nothing in this room to indicate that that man was typing.

Nelson: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change of wardrobe?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, no. Oh, every once in a while I think about getting a new coat, but there's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fellow.
[pats trench coat]

Lt. Columbo: May I ask you a personal question, sir?
Luis: Oh, by all means.
Lt. Columbo: Did you injure your leg in the bullring?
Luis: [nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I, too, was gored. Badly. Here. They tried to take me to the infirmary along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my wound, I stayed in the ring and I did one of the best faenas of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Lt. Columbo: Well, we'll be seeing more of each other, sir, until the investigation is settled.
Dr. Eric Mason: Lieutenant. It's not that I haven't been impressed by your company, but what is there to settle?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's that telephone again, sir. You see, whoever called Dr. Hunter musta heard those awful sounds in the kitchen, sir. Must have heard the dogs and a man dying. Dying and screaming, sir, and nobody called the police. We never got a report, sir. Not a single one - except for the young girl down here in the guest house; so, you can see, we would like to know who made that telephone call, sir. You understand, sir.

Dr. Bart Keppel: You stole something from me?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, nothing serious. Fact is, the night of the murder I was hungry, I saw some of your caviar around and I... took the liberty of helping myself. Just thought I'd mention it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Don't be silly. As long as you enjoyed it.
Lt. Columbo: That's the funny part. I didn't enjoy it. Too salty. And you know, I didn't notice it when I was eating it, but when I went to the projectionist's later on, I remember I felt a little thirsty. All of the sudden, I wanted something to drink, so he had some iced tea there, thank goodness... Oh, that reminds me. Take a look.
Dr. Bart Keppel: [opens and reads Columbo's document] Autopsy report.
Lt. Columbo: I thought that... if I took caviar and it made me thirsty, I figured maybe it would make him thirsty.
Dr. Bart Keppel: So you ordered an autopsy. That's very astute, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you very much, Doctor. It was the only way that I could find out whether or not Mr. Norris ate any caviar. According to this report, he did.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Mm-hm. Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a bit. Pretty big eater. Uh, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: In light of this new information, I was wondering whether or not... you could find it in yourself to be more helpful at this point?
Dr. Bart Keppel: If the man was thirsty... and he was subjected to several subliminal cuts of, say, a tall, cool drink, that would cause him to get up and leave the screening room and go to find the nearest water fountain... Is that what you mean?
Lt. Columbo: I had something like that in mind, yes. And that COULD happen?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Oh, yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, thank you very much. You've been VERY helpful.

Columbo: [to Baxter] I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and he suddenly does something another way, I immediately think... I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

Hassan: Your presence here is a diplomatic affront. If you do not leave the legation in five minutes, I shall see that you are removed from the Los Angeles Police Department.
Lt. Columbo: I've solved the murder, sir.
Hassan: What?
Lt. Columbo: I think we should talk about it right away.

Purser: And, uh, Lieutenant, that's a boat.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's a... and... To hell with it.

Columbo: Now, you figured that your brother had to walk around... the side of the house like this. Is that right?
Beth: I figure it. And so did the coroner's jury.
Columbo: Right. Now you see you had to walk on grass.
Beth: Is there some point to this?
Columbo: Yes, ma'am, there is. You see, now this grass is kind of dry because the sun's been out. Uh, well, today's Thursday. And the gardener cuts the grass on Thursday. Excuse me a minute. You see? Grass.
Beth: Yes. Well, that's only natural.
Columbo: It certainly is. But you know there was no grass on your brother's shoe?
Beth: I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
Columbo: Your brother was shot a week ago. On Thursday. And I looked at the... photographs of the body, I even had them blown up... and for the life of me, I just couldn't see any grass... on the soles of his shoe. And I couldn't figure that out. Why? It was freshly cut... and it was sticky because it was at night and there was dew.

Alex: Just don't rely on you woman's intuition. It's never correct.

Man: You know, I find this absolutely fascinating. Do you have, uh, an interesting investigation you've been involved with? We'd love to hear about something like that.
Second man doctor at party: Yeah!
Woman Doctor at Party: Yeah!
Columbo: I think that the most interesting investigation is always the one that you're working on at the moment.

Lt. Columbo: Evening, Commissioner.
Deputy: You're late, Lieutenant.

Tommy: You're a sanctimonious hypocritical Bible spouting blackmailer.

Ruth: I detest modern medicine. Don't you?

Lt. Columbo: [as Hassan removes an exquisite vase form the lieutenant's hands] This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.
Hassan: Uh, this is third century; it's worth several thousand dollars.
Lt. Columbo: No kidding. You know, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.

Luis: I am sorry, Lieutenant. I have tried to be gracious; I have answered all your questions; my courtesy has been rewarded with accusation. I must ask you to leave my house and not return.

Lab: I guess he figured if you can't bed the mother hen, why waste time with the chickens.

Ken: All right, now what are you doing here?
Lieutenant: Waiting for you. I happened to be in the neighborhood and...
Ken: You're always in the neighborhood.

Xenia: His Majesty thought you might like something while you're waiting.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. You're sure it was His Majesty, and not just an aide?
Xenia: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's very thoughtful for a busy man. Imagine that.

Paul: Lieutenant, did you want something?
Lt. Columbo: Is there someplace, sir, that you and I could, uh, talk?
Paul: [irritated] Columbo, you're becoming very annoying, do you know that?

Columbo: [as his dinner guests are served Ferrier Vintage Port, 1945] Drinks all around.

Columbo: [Become dizzy after standing up] Oh, boy!
Adrian: You all right?
Columbo: I didn't realize I drank that much. Whatta ya call that stuff?
Adrian: Cabernet sauvignon.
Columbo: I usually don't drink anything I can't pronounce, but I can see I got a lot to learn. First thing I gotta learn is how to hold my cabernet sauvignon.

Columbo: Mrs. Fernandez dusted the whole house - wax, polish, everything - including the bedroom. Now, the fingerprint people, they checked the handle on the closet door. Your wife's prints weren't on it. What I can't figure out is: How did she open the door and take out the nightgown without leaving any prints?

Columbo: Actually sir, from what I know about chess players, that is the important ones, they're sort of like geniuses, unpredictable and erratic.

Columbo: You must have a lot of those, sir.
Mark: What?
Columbo: Gut feelings.
Mark: What're you talking about?
Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.
Mark: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean "last night?"
Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.
Mark: Yes?
Columbo: I found out that you asked for me when you first called in.
Mark: I did.
Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before, yet from your bedroom window, when you called in, you asked for me. No, I was just trying to figure out how you knew that the woman was already dead.

Jim: Yeah... I just hate lying to her.
Ken: You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.

Beth: You don't know how to stay out of my life.

Joe: Politics makes liars of us all, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I think my wife was right. Something wrong with me. Supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.
Jaime: "Occupational hazard?" Uh, what is that?
Lt. Columbo: That's, uh, when wherever you go you take your work with you.
Jaime: Oh, I see. Uh, we call that "loco."

Mr. Grindell: I'm a great admire of the police department, you know...
Lt. Columbo: I didn't know but I'm always glad to hear that
Mr. Grindell: Why shouldn't you hear of it? After all you men are so willing to give your life to save ours!
Lt. Columbo: Well... Let's hope it doesn't come up too often.
Mr. Grindell: Yes, yes, yes... But it does, doesn't it? Especially in these violent times, its um... Just this morning at the breakfast with my dear wife Martha, I glanced at the paper and I uh, I noted the rate of police mortality is just shocking, I mean, it just... well you must be aware of that.
Lt. Columbo: Well, we don't like to think about it often...
Mr. Grindell: But one should think of it, shouldn't one?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's just kind of thing you don't really do anything about till you have to.
Mr. Grindell: But, if you need a funeral, you'd not be in the condition to do anything about it, you see...
[both chuckle uncomfortably]
Lt. Columbo: Right, I see what you mean...

Tommy: You got a good ear for music.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.

Jesse: Tell me, Santini, last month before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?
Santini: What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.
Jesse: I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.
Santini: Thank you.

Lilly: I'd rather have the storyteller than the story.

Dr. Edmund Hidemann: Well, she felt that Dr.Mayfield was a little too self-involved. She never seemed to realize that talented people are often like that.

David: Always pack a bulky sweater and some heavy underwear. Even in the spring, the mountains can get pretty cold at night.

Alex: How could I be angry, looking at you?

Ward: Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me "sir."

Dr. Bart Keppel: [at an intersection] Which way?
Lt. Columbo: Beg pardon?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Right or left? You didn't tell me where the murder was committed, Lieutenant, so I couldn't possibly know how to get there, could I?
Lt. Columbo: Turn right.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Nice try, though.
Lt. Columbo: Can't win 'em all.

Lt. Columbo: That must have been very hard losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I've lost my parents, that's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.
Abigail: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Gentlemen, I realize that it's early in the day and this may take some hours. But someone in this dormitory is fermenting cider. And no matter how long it takes, I intend to find the cider, and PUNISH the CULPRITS! Understood?
Cadets,: Sir, yes, sir!
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: [Louder] Understood?
Cadets,: Yes, sir!

Joe: Justice for the many. Justice for the free. Let each man be paid in full. That's just enough for me.

Bo: What're you doin' in my car?
Elliot: Waiting for you.
Bo: Get yourself killed that way.
Elliot: Or the reverse.

Joe: Here's to friendship ripe and long Here's to voices raised in song Here's to a long and thirsty night Here's to the stuff that makes it right.

Columbo: Gee whiz, you'd think that they were building secret weapons around here.
Lab: Why, we're not?

Columbo: Uh, my name is Columbo, ma'am. I'm a, uh... lieutenant, uh, from the police.
[shows badge then puts it away]
Mrs. Chadwick: Dah, just a minute. Not so quickly. I'd like to look that over.
[examines his I.D. then him]
Mrs. Chadwick: Well, I must say, you hardly look the role.

Paul: You're not for real, Lieutenant. The only thing next door is a laundromat.
Lieutenant: Well, there USED to be a cigar store.
Paul: You're not a jazz freak. You made a special trip over here to see me. Why?

Commandant: Montoya must have a motive.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, every man has a motive.

Columbo: I'm still a little hung over from Mr. Carsini's Cabernet, uh, what-cha-ma-call-it.

Columbo: Uh, the point is this, Mrs. Williamson...
Goldie: My friends call me Goldie, and since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend.
Columbo: Would you mind repeating that last sentence? I don't think I quite understood.
Goldie: I said, since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend - and my friends call me Goldie.

Lt. Columbo: Well, listen, you're only a dog. You're not a college professor.

Lt. Columbo: I'm not here to pry into your personal life.
Tommy: My personal life is an open book. Everybody knows I done time.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir, but what you've done since you've gotten out, that's been an inspiration to a lot of people.
Tommy: Then what're you buggin' me for?

Columbo: Listen, if I arrested everybody with an unregistered weapon in Los Angeles, believe me, I'd have half the population in jail.

Lt. Columbo: This is a murder case. There is no question about it.
Paul: Oh, look, you did it again. I guess you just can't help yourself.

Columbo: [after ripping the suspect's dress by stepping on it] Well, thank you Mrs Brandt, that's all the questions for today...

Joe: A famous German philosopher named Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel once wrote that the essence of tragedy isn't the conflicts between right and wrong - it's the conflicts of right and right.

Kermit: [to Columbo] I like a man who espouses the pragmatic view, Lieutenant.
Kermit: [to Capt. August] Thank you, Captain.
Capt. August: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: [after Morgan leaves] What'd he say?
Capt. August: [thinking about it] Don't make waves.

Lt. Columbo: Well, look, I won't hold you up any longer. I want to apologize again if I caused any disturbance.
Paul: All right, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Ah, one more thing, sir. I almost forgot. One more thing that I wanted to check on. Uh, probably not important... um...
Lt. Columbo: [to Galesko's driver] Could you excuse us?

Dexter: This happens to be a friend of mine. Not a very close friend, but one who does, in fact, qualify, uh, as someone's husband. This happens to be Lt. Columbo of the L.A.P.D., who is your everyday, average, typical, downtrodden American husband.

Harry: If you hand me your aft line, Mrs. Wallace, I'll secure your stern.
Mrs. Walters: I beg your pardon!
Harry: I'll tie up your boat.

Beth: You do love me, don't you?
Peter: No, I hate you with a passion.

Goldie: Lieutenant, would you like to turn around? I don't want to corrupt you.

Lt. Columbo: Do you like to gamble, sir?
Nelson: What else is there?

Rogers: Handmade. Two special baffles. I figured as much when I saw the key. That's why I can't figure out how it happened.
Lt. Columbo: How WHAT happened?
Rogers: This lock was picked.
Lt. Columbo: Are you sure?
Rogers: Take a look. Now, you see those scratches? Somebody picked it open with a thin piece of steel. Impossible - but it happened.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I would have bet money that he couldn't get out of those cuffs.
Michael: Don't ever bet with Santini. He's the cream of cream.

Ken: Bottoms up, Jim.
Jim: In the middle of the morning?
Ken: Oh, come on, relax. It's Saturday. In the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.

Lt. Columbo: [coming to talk with Dale Kingston after he finishes hosting his TV art program] Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?
Dale: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a place.
Dale: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, it isn't, uh, but things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
Dale: My, how observant you are.

Jarvis: Well, I must say, Catherine, our kidnapper, whoever he is, is certainly no piker. To demand a ransom of $300,000... Why, I'll wager, a week here and there, even YOU don't spend that sort of money.
Cathy: Don't you ever stop, Jarvis?
Jarvis: However, leaving our personal affection aside, you must realize that my situation is such that even I couldn't pour even the smallest drop into such a huge bucket - even though I'm not a weakling with a spendthrift wife.

Teddy: [as Columbo pushes him on a swing] Higher!
Columbo: Higher? Listen, if you go any higher, you're gonna go right over the top.

Lt. Columbo: That dim sum reminds me of the kind I used to have at home.
Miss: At home, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Right around the corner from Chinatown was an Italian neighborhood. When I was a kid, I bet I had more eggrolls than I had cannelloni.

Janice: I could have stood for anything, Alex. Anything in the world, but not murder.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Do you have a first name?
Lt. Columbo: I do. My wife is about the only one that uses it.

Lilly: I trust you, Ken - really - but we all have our dark sides, don't we? Just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.

Lieutenant: What a car. What a piece of machinery! I mean, just sitting in this thing makes me feel good. I smell this leather, I feel the felt. I look at this wood. I wanna tell you, all my life I wanted a car like this. Of course, on my salary, forget about it.

[the lieutenant has been saddled with an apprentice]
Columbo: Now, what do I call you? Theodore?
Sergeant: Uh, no, sir. You call me Mac.
Columbo: Mac.
Sergeant: Yeah, Mac.
Columbo: And do you have any Scotch or Irish in you?
Sergeant: Oh, no, sir.
Columbo: All right, Mac. Welcome aboard.

Mrs. Walters: Your pot's overcooking.
Helen: That is not a pot! It's a crock!

Columbo: [to Grace] From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.

Joe: [to Columbo] Japan sends televisions. Ireland sends whiskey. D'you care for a nip?

Lt. Columbo: Excuse me, Mr. Galesko, I hate to trouble you...
Paul: Columbo, what are you doing here?
Lt. Columbo: If I'm interrupting anything, you just tell me...
Paul: No, of course not.

Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I asked you a personal question, do you?
Walter: No.
Lt. Columbo: What did you pay for those shoes?
Walter: I think about... $60.
Lt. Columbo: I stepped into some water yesterday, I ruined mine. You don't know where I could get a pair that looks like that... for around 16 or 17?
Walter: 16 or 17? Sorry, I don't.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Believe me, if there's anybody can do anything about it, it's going to be Lieutenant Columbo.

Jerry: [sitting at Nora's bar after she has poured herself a drink] Aren't you gonna pour me one?
Nora: Buy your own!

Alex: What's matter? Did I scare you?
Jenifer: Well, just for a second I was feeling all the hairs on the back of my neck.
Alex: That's just sex.

Lt. Columbo: Let me ask you something. Jeez, I hope this doesn't sound foolish.

Beth: I'm warning you. No more questions.
Columbo: I wasn't going to ask a question, ma'am. I just wanted to return your bulb.

Viveca: Well, what does David say?
Columbo: [Sarcastically] What does a clam say?

Commandant: I hope you understand, Luis, that, uh, the lieutenant here is here as my guest. He has no official status.
Luis: So inquisitive. I find him amusing.

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Uh, the lieutenant's here from Los Angeles for a few days. He's observing our latest techniques at the Yard.
Tanner: How interesting. Let's hope some of it "rubs off," as they say.
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much. I certainly hope so.

Lieutenant: Can I ask you a personal question?
Alex: Please.
Lieutenant: What do you pay in taxes on this place?

Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll tell ya what bothers me...

Lt. Columbo: [Pointing to surgical gloves] Do you know how many pairs of these you have on board?
Doctor: Uh, no, not offhand.

Paul: Everybody is a suspect. Isn't that true?

Lt. Columbo: We're going on a tropical cruise. Who packs gloves?

Francine: Marcy, have you been smoking something awful?
Marcy: We have a customer with a cigar.

Dr. Bart Keppel: Tanya Baker is the kind of girl that a man doesn't like to admit he knows at all, and certainly not if he's married, and I am married. I hope I can rely on your discretion, Lieutenant, now that you know?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, absolutely, sir. Nothing to worry about. No, I'm from, uh, homicide. I'm not from the vice squad.

Columbo: What kind of place is this? What do they do here?
Dr. Anita Borden: You really wanna know? Basically, we're concerned with the measurement and manipulation of human behavior - at all levels.

Clare: [to Ward Fowler] You wouldn't make a murderer. Not even a sympathetic one. That much personality you don't have.

Lt. Columbo: A security man could only get hit by someone who didn't alarm him, someone that he knew and trusted, someone who could catch him off-guard.

Abigail: [about Columbo's basset hound] Is he all right?
Lt. Columbo: Well, yes, ma'am. Do you see something wrong?
Abigail: He seems to be scraping bottom.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's the way they were made.

Paul: When did you first suspect me?
Lt. Columbo: Well, as it happens, sir... about two minutes after I met you.
Paul: That can't be possible.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.
Paul: I was instructed to come here by the police.
Lt. Columbo: And you came, sir.
Paul: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Columbo: That's right, Doctor. That man that you saw was blind... and is blind. This is Daniel Morris. That's the man that you saw on the road Monday afternoon. This other man is his brother, David. I'm sure you can see the problem, sir. There is no way in the world that you could've assumed that this man, this witness was blind unless, of course, you had seen this man that day. That's the only way you could've known. Thank you.
David: You're welcome.
Columbo: I have an eyewitness, Doctor Collier. An eyewitness that will place you at the head of the Donner driveway at 5:30 Monday afternoon, but the eyewitness is not Mr. Morris, the eyewitness is you.

Lieutenant: Oh, she could've passed out from the gas. And she coulda fallen off that chair and she could have bumped her head; but, uh... you know, that was a pretty good bump. You know, someone coulda hit her.
Alex: That's just an assumption on your part.
Lieutenant: Right. Very difficult to prove.

Jessica: [after Milo leans in to kiss her... and she enjoys it] You know, there's one thing that bothers me about you.
Milo: What's that?
Jessica: You're a little unsure of yourself.
Milo: I'm very unsure. But I'm encouraged by your response.
[smiles]

Adrian: This is dreadful. Don't you realize that a great wine is like a great work of art? It has to be nurtured, it has to be taken care of. You have subjected this port to a temperature in excess of 150 degrees. Such disdain can not and must not be tolerated!

Jenifer: Darling, I know you. I know you're not really afraid of hurting Janice. You're just reluctant to lose her mother's backing... and all that money. Don't worry. You're a genius.
Alex: Yes.
Jenifer: You'll always have everything. You're just a little weak, deep inside, and all you really need is me. And I need you, because I'm the same.

Lt. Columbo: [to Dr. Eric Mason] Very simple case. Not that I'm particularly bright, sir. I must say, I found you disappointing. I mean your incompetence. You left enough clues to sink a ship, motive, opportunity. And for a man of your intelligence, sir, you got caught in a lot of stupid lies. A lot of them!

Lt. Columbo: Oh. One more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask ya.
Paul: Fortunately, you remembered.

Columbo: Oh, just one more thing, sir. Uh, I was thinking... in banks, they always have two cameras that cover any area. No offense, but I don't understand why you went to all this trouble to put in this system, but you only put in one camera, leaving part of the room uncovered.
Harold: We only wanted to cover the safe. We expected a thief, not a murder.

Columbo: If I can bring a baby-sitter, I'll even bring my wife
[to the restaurant]
Columbo: .

[Columbo comes to the gallery to question Sam Franklin, who's painting in the next room]
Mitilda: Sam! Uh, this is the policeman who phoned. Is it all right?
Sam: [wearily] Eh, bring him in. They interrupted Rembrandt. Why shouldn't they interrupt me?

Columbo: You'll notice that none of you have seen this watch closely. You've only heard it. You heard it tick, but I was talking about a watch that was found at the scene of the crime that was broken. It was smashed. It did NOT... tick. It didn't work. The commodore's watch. Now you see it. And this is the broken inside part. And we took this watch to a jeweler and we had the broken inside part replaced. So, now the watch ticks. You all heard it tick.

Dr. Benson: [referring to Columbo's dog] Say, how old is he?
Lieutenant: Kinda hard to say. You see, I just picked him up at the pound. His time was up, if you know what I mean.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: This country is going to have the best damn army in the world!

Luis: You see, my cows are very aggressive, Lieutenant. That's why they breed such brave bulls.

Hayden: [to Rosanna] You're sticking it to the wrong guy. I spent twenty years building up my business, and no smart little broad from Pittsburgh is gonna take it away from me.

Harold: You know, Lieutenant, my system is very elaborate and very sensitive. Uh, the more complex a system is, the more it is exposed to malfunctions. We have to accept these little problems from time to time. I'm afraid, Lieutenant, that your little parlor trick proved absolutely nothing.

Lt. Columbo: [intrigued by a mirror image photo of the same woman] Maybe I'm nuts but, uh, this is the same photograph, isn't it?
Camera: Yeah?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I was lookin' at this thing before and, uh... Now in this picture her left arm is bent, but in this picture her right arm is bent. I mean, now she's got two bent arms.
Camera: Well, you see, that's a reverse negative, Lieutenant. You see, what's originally on the right comes out on the left and what's on the left on the right.
Lt. Columbo: You mean, I could have a picture where I'm on the right and my wife's on the left and we do this reversal and then I would be on the left and my wife would be on the right?
Camera: Absolutely.
Lt. Columbo: I'll be a monkey's uncle. You learn sum'pin' every day.

Columbo: I think we have a personality conflict.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: There're not so many people want to be soldiers these days.

2nd: Mr. Clayton, there's the world's most legendary chess genius, comes out of retirement just to play you, and you're not even curious enough...
Emmett: Curiosity breeds sympathy, my friend, and sympathy is one emotion a champion can not afford on the night before the match.

Tommy: I'm gonna grab a couple hours shut-eye.
Edna: Well now, if you're thinking of looking for that child that came to the door, you just forget it, because I'll be right back... to make sure that all you're grabbin' is shut-eye.

Mrs. Chadwick: But he had far too many responsibilities for marriage.

Emmett: Well, chess *is* the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?
Tomlin: You think so? I always thought it was women.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, listen, one more thing...
[Kingston groans in exasperation]
Lt. Columbo: It'll just... it'll just take a second. I stopped by your apartment a few times.
Dale: Why, do you want to search my place?
Lt. Columbo: No. Just to ask you something about art. You said you had some books and things there that I could see.
Dale: You may look at anything you wish. You can snoop in all of my closets. You can peek under the beds. You won't find any stolen paintings.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I've never said anything about...
Dale: [removes key from key ring] Here, would you like the key to my apartment? You may simply leave it under the mat when you leave.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I...
Dale: No, no, go ahead, I insist. See what I live like, find out what kind of human being I am, learn everything you can about me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I... I mean, I admit it would be more convenient, but, uh...
[takes key, to Dale's surprise]
Lt. Columbo: ...thank you very much, Mr. Kingston. Uh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I might drop by and borrow a few books or something like that.

Miss: Lieutenant, you forgot your fortune cookie.
Lt. Columbo: To tell you the truth, ma'am, I could use some good news.
[reads fortune]
Lt. Columbo: "Cheer up. There is more than one fish in the sea." That's the kind I always get. Once, I would like it to say I'm gonna be rich and go away on a long trip. Just once.

Columbo: How much would it cost? I mean, to actually dig up pile D-3. Just for the sake of curiosity.
Elliot: A great deal more than your bank account, Lieutenant. To say nothing of the permits, assuming you got permission, which is doubtful.

Ken: Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them. You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants. Even the cop on the beat, don't you?

Columbo: I'll tell you how you did it if you're interested.

Lt. Columbo: [trying to trigger the attack word for the dogs] Kill! Kiss! Diamonds! Rubies! Sneakers!

Lieutenant: [presenting his car to Mike the mechanic] What do you think of this?
Mike: Have you ever thought of getting a new car?
Lieutenant: No, you see, I already have two cars. Of course, my wife's car is nothing special. That's just for transportation. You understand.
Mike: I only work on foreign cars.
Lieutenant: Oh, it's a foreign car.
Mike: Oh, I know, but... there are limits, mate, you know?

Ward: Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Clare?
Clare: Mm-hm. Silver Certificates. I would paper my bedroom with them if I could.
Ward: I wouldn't put it past you.
Clare: Where would you put it?

Lt. Columbo: You know what bothers me?

Lt. Columbo: Why would a left-handed man give himself a shot in his left arm?

Charles: Listen, are the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?
Columbo: Accident... Oh, I'm sure this is an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from Homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.

Columbo: Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you, I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant, so I don't expect you to like me but I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now, I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I-I, I don't know, I just can't correct that, and I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy. That's my nature, but I've never been un... I-I-I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck, and-and i-if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed a man that you worked for for thirty-three years, well, then... well, then I think you're a very unfair person.

Lt. Columbo: Who is that behind the fat lady?

Lt. Columbo: You switched the openers again, but I switched the glasses. That's the poisoned glass, sir, the glass I was supposed to drink.

Lt. Columbo: What strikes you about this photograph sir?
Nelson: I was younger and more beautiful then.

Sister: [to Columbo in the soup kitchen as she encourages him to have some stew] An empty stomach is the Devil's playground.

Eve: Hi, darling.
Lt. Columbo: Miss Babcock?
Eve: [laughs] Don't be so Cincinnati. My name is Eve. And don't be so embarrassed. I've been expecting you.

Jarvis: Ah, the trust fund! That's why you wanted ME here.
Cathy: Well, Jarvis, I certainly knew you wouldn't help me raise the money any other way.
Columbo: I'm sorry. I don't quite understand about that trust fund.
Jarvis: Well, you see, I'm co-administrator with the bank of a trust fund set up by Tony's father. And you, Catherine, should know, of all people, that he put enough strings in there to protect Tony from his own bad habits... and grasping wives.

Lt. Columbo: So you had an hour to kill before you had to get back to the airport.
Neil: I take it you mean to use that phrase, "to kill." You mean that literally.
Lt. Columbo: No, I was just using a figure of speech. I'm not making an accusation.

Joe: You see, at a very early age I decided to be me own master and the servant of no one, and that left two promising possibilities: either to be a king or a poet. Now, as Ireland had her fill of kings, I clearly saw I had to educate meself to a way of words, so I took to drink immediately, fell in love at every opportunity, and avoided the schoolroom like the plague. I advise you to do the same.

[Durk takes Columbo to his men's club for tea and a bite to eat. A server appears with a cart of food]
Columbo: When you said tea, I was afraid we were going to get nothing but those tiny sandwiches. This is terrific.
George,: Why do you think we keep the ladies out, sir?
[Columbo is nonplussed]

Lt. Columbo: [Referring to an old chair] Can I sit in this?
Abigail: Well, that's what it was made for 400 years ago.

Columbo: You see, if Henry already brought the gun in, if he was already thinking about suicide...
Pat: [heard in the background] Okay, let's go.
Columbo: ...before he went to bed, then I don't believe he would be reading this. It's a light, funny book - not the kind of thing that a man would be reading just before shooting himself.

Columbo: This is a terrible thing to admit, but, uh... I think that, in a way, her brother's death is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Lt. Columbo: The boy said something about an argument and a lot of shouting. What was that about, sir?
Paul: It was a trivial matter.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. Most arguments seem to start that way.

Columbo: I saw your new car, by the way. Oh, that's some automobile.
Beth: Thank you.
Columbo: Really beautiful. Beautiful. I suppose you have to order those things weeks in advance, don't you?
Beth: Yes, that's right.
Columbo: Yeah, that's right. Boy. Real change of pace for you, isn't it?
Beth: Well, I felt like something racy, as they say in advertising. A new image.
Columbo: Yeah. Well y'now, I can understand that... I'm sorry... because it's a natural thing I think, after a death in the family... to want to break loose.
Beth: That's one way of putting it.
Columbo: Gee, that's funny though.
Beth: What?
Columbo: If you had to order the car some time ago...... that would mean you knew in advance you were going to change your style.

Ward: I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money that Ward Fowler makes, he could owe Claire Daley that much, and then it hit me.
Lieutenant: Uh, what hit you, sir?
Ward: Coffee?

Lt. Columbo: [after Abigail Mitchell Shows Lt Columbo where she said she found the car keys next to the sprinkler head] I'll be running off now.
Abigail: Goodbye, young man.
[hesitates]
Abigail: Oh...
[follows after Lt. Columbo, then calls out]
Abigail: Lt. Columbo
[Lt. Columbo turns around]
Abigail: *Just one more question*.

Lt. Columbo: [referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight those things to make a living.
Luis: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.
Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you the truth, uh, I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal like that, as big and as mean as he is.
Luis: Perhaps you do enjoy the spectacle of two men in the prize ring beating each other senseless, or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle, or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different than yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but, uh, different.

Columbo: You know, when I say "Homicide Department," most women, they act a little upset, so I try and calm 'em with a little chit-chat. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot to notice that you weren't upset. Forgive me for wandering off.
Ruth: I've disappointed you. My sister won't. You needn't even bother saying "homicide." "Foul play" will do it. She faints.

Nelson: Uh, excuse me, Lieutenant, don't misunderstand. You're a very nice man, I like you very much, but I would hate to have to depend upon you if I was in a hurry for something.
Lt. Columbo: Geez, you know that's what my wife says...
Nelson: I'm sure she does. Get to the point, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Right.

Magic: Is that the Great Columbo?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, just Lieutenant.

Columbo: When I was over at your house there the other day... and I was climbing up and down that ladder... I tell you, I had a thought, something else occurred to me... that's been keeping me awake at night.
Beth: Oh. What might that be?
Columbo: Well, I was wondering about that burned out bulb... in front of your house. And I went over there this morning to take a look at it. And...
Beth: You brought it with you!
Columbo: Oh yeah. I didn't think you'd mind.
Beth: No.
Columbo: This is a hundred watt bulb. Hundred watt? Got a life 750-800 hours. Now, if your house is anything like... my house then you'll burn the outside light 8-10 hours a day. So that means it would last two, two and a half months. Is that right?
Beth: I'll concede to your knowledge. I don't know.
Columbo: Thank you very much. Uh, now this is what I got to thinking. I hate to change bulbs outside my house... because no matter how tight I get that up in the lamp... you see, they attract a lot of dirt and goop and they're full of... dead bugs and I just don't even like to go up there and touch them.
Beth: Would you get to the point?
Columbo: Uh, why is that bulb dirt and dust free? That bulb is clean as a whistle. Now I think that's kind of strange, don't you? Hanging there long enough to burn out, but not hanging there long enough to get dirty.
Beth: We're a fastidious family. If the bulb is clean it's because servants cleaned it.
Columbo: They cleaned a burned out bulb?
Beth: They work in the daytime. So how would they know?

Adrian: I think you're really gonna like this wine. It's a...
Columbo: Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.
[sips wine]
Columbo: Sensitive breeding. Rich bouquet. Strong vinosity. Well, it's a Burgundy; I'm just not sure whether it's a Pinot Noir or a Gamay.

Lt. Columbo: I can't tell you what a big help you've been.
Abigail: "Big help to Lieutenant Columbo." Wish my publishers could hear you say that.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Don't you expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again tomorrow.

Bo: [to Markham] Lemme tell you, nobody throws a lasso around my money without my consent, and that includes my wife, and you had better believe it!

Lt. Columbo: You know, Miss Chandler, if anybody ever told me I'd be standing here... I mean, right face-to-face with you... I mean, I've been in love with you all my life.
Nora: I know. You never expected to meet a legend.

Lieutenant: [reading] "Jack and Jill went up the hill. Did Jack kill Jill? If so, find out why?"

Riley: Here, buy yourself a personality.

Columbo: Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: The elusive cider has finally materialized!

Nurse: Uh, please put out your cigar.
Dr. Edmund Hidemann: No, don't put it out.
Nurse: This is still a sick room, Doctor.
Dr. Edmund Hidemann: I know what it is. I also know it's the first human thing I smelled in two days, including your antiseptic presence.

Lt. Columbo: You know, that cleaning woman just now? You know, she said something strange to me. She said she saw Sharon Martin, and she was upset AFTER the operation.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: I'm afraid I don't understand.
Lt. Columbo: Well, it just seems kind of funny, doesn't it, I mean, since it was so successful that she'd still be upset?

Proprietor: Well, all I know is I was... I was standing at the table pouring the wine, when the little, round gentleman with an accent, he pushed forward the salt, and this gentlemen pushed out the pepper, and pretty soon, they were pushing all the things on the table, and I didn't know what they were doing. Later on, I found out that they were playing chess. But I have never seen anything like that.

Police: A little early in the evening for this burglar, isn't it, Commissioner?
Mark: You never know, Pete. Clocks don't mean a thing in an empty house, you know.

Abigail: Besides, I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo.
Lt. Columbo: [mocking] 'I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo'. I wish Mrs. Columbo could hear that.

George: Oh, uh, Mr. Jerome was lookin' for you a while back, sir.
Santini: Huh?
George: Seemed important.
Santini: Uh-huh. Everything's important to him.
George: Could you do me a favor, sir?
Santini: Sure, name it.
George: Could you make him disappear?
[Santini laughs]
George: Don't tell him I said it.
Santini: Oh, trust me, you're safe.

Dr. Barry Mayfield: Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.

Lt. Columbo: [Watching Paul Gerard eat the dish he prepared] What do you think?
Paul: Lieutenant, I wish you had been a chef.
Lt. Columbo: I understand, sir.

Alex: Now, you're always imagining that I'm... I'm... leaping into beds all over town. I've never done that.
Janice: Oh, Alex, don't. I know you.
Alex: Why do all these people feel that they know me?

Paul: Listen, is your head clear yet?
Eric: Oh, clear as mud.

Karen: I must have your name.
Columbo: Why would you want my name when you have such a nice name yourself?

Lt. Columbo: Hold it!
Steve: What's wrong?
Lt. Columbo: Something just computed.

Columbo: Uh, your nephew's wrecked car, for instance, uh... You know, we found that thing with the ignition and lights off and the gear in neutral.
Jarvis: Neutral? But the letter said he was forced off the road. Perhaps they grabbed Tony and then pushed the car over the side to keep it out of sight, don't you think?
Columbo: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what it looks like, all right. Of course, only then, one of them made that first telephone call to Mrs. Goodland.
Jarvis: Well, that was to make her believe the letter when she got it. She's a very hard woman to convince of ANYTHING, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Mmm. I wonder how they knew that.

Adrian: The sixty-nine-cents-a-gallon Marino Brothers? They don't make wine! They don't even make good mouthwash!

Lt. Columbo: I'm trying to explain something that is not explainable.
Harry: [chuckling] It sounds like you're talking to Santini.

Elliot: By the way, it's said that some of the engineers who built the pyramids were sealed up in their own creations to protect the integrity of the tomb. Fortunately, today's architects are spared that particular indignity.

Guard: No one's allowed in there.
Columbo: What do you mean no one's allowed? I see 30 people down there.
Guard: No one's allowed in there without an invitation. You have an invitation?
Columbo: No, I don't have an invitation.
Guard: That's what I'm trying to tell you. You have no invitation. So Out.

Commandant: [sees Columbo reading a book on bullfighting] learning anything?
Lt. Columbo: oh, I have to learn something because I didn't know anything to start with.

Columbo: You mean to tell me that your ex-husband's closer to you than he is to his current wife?
Goldie: Lieutenant, we were married for 22 years. We never had any children. So we spent a lotta time getting to know one another. Jennifer gives him youth. For the rest, he comes to me.

Columbo: I've seen a lot of pictures of people jumping off of buildings. I never saw one naked.

Durkee: There isn't anything more you could tell us, Mrs. Benedict, about why she may have killed herself?
Janice: I... I don't... Didn't even know her.
Durkee: I thought perhaps your husband might have an idea.

Dr. Edmund Hidemann: I'm tired of resting.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, I feel uncomfortable.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: In what way?
Lt. Columbo: In hospitals, around illness, I, uh... I feel kind of queasy.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, that's not uncommon, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: I know. Uh, I faint. I mean, I actually pass out, and in my line of work that's kind of embarrassing. Is there, uh... is there something that I can do for that?
Dr. Barry Mayfield: There's only one sure-fire cure, Lieutenant: stay out of hospitals as much as possible.

Columbo: Say, you know, 's a funny thing about your appointments with Mrs. Kennicutt? Uh, the first two were in the morning and all the rest - and I counted thirteen of 'em - uh, they were always in the middle or the late afternoon.
Ken: So?
Columbo: Uh... Well, I guess it's not important. I guess it's nothin'. Wait, let me... I'm gonna take off my coat. Except that, uh... you know, every time you had an appointment with Mrs. Kennicutt, it was always the last lesson of the day.

[repeated line]
Columbo: Oh, there's just one more thing...

[Dale Kingston's confederate recoils at the sight of the body of Dale's uncle]
Dale: Pull yourself together. There's no reason to be frightened. Just my uncle. I assure you he's far more amiable now than he ever was when he was alive.

Xenia: I gave Youseff this mug. You see the inscription here?
Lt. Columbo: What does it say?
Xenia: I'd rather not translate, Lieutenant. It's, uh... earthy humor.
Lt. Columbo: Oh.
Xenia: Each afternoon, Youseff would join our coffee break and tell us unrepeatable stories. It was his way, and we loved him very much.

Columbo: How can a man walk through seven feet of soil covered in mulch, climb through the window and not leave any traces?
Harold: Maybe he took his shoes off.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: Mistakes have no gender.

Adrian: Would you care for a sip of the wine that made Carsini famous?
Enrico: I'd rather have some wine that made Carsini rich.

Mrs. Chadwick: You aren't even capable of running your own life.
Beth: I've never been allowed to run my own life.

Roger: Lieutenant, I... I would not light that cigar now unless you... wish to witness an explosion right now.

Lt. Columbo: Uh-oh. Another bad one, huh, Doc?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes, that's a bad one!
Lt. Columbo: Let's see if I can help you find that!
Dr. Bart Keppel: Why don't you come to the point, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: The real point?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes. The real one. That one. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Lt. Columbo: I think you're guilty of homicide. I think you killed Mr. Norris, and I think you killed the projectionist.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Lieutenant, how could I have killed Mr. Norris, or anybody else, when I was standing in plain view of everyone in the screening room at the time?
Lt. Columbo: You couldn't.
Dr. Bart Keppel: No.
Lt. Columbo: So you weren't.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes... but they DID see me.
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. They heard you. And you had a tape recorder. And it was dark.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Wait a minute. Let me get one thing straight. I was told that all of the testimony was unanimous. Everyone in the room swore they saw me there. Is that true?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Has someone CHANGED their testimony?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: No, they haven't! Well, when they do, we'll be able to pursue this fascinating line of speculation. Ah! Here's my ball. There it is. I'll just toss it out a bit... and no one will ever know... and I can go on with my game.

Columbo: How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?
Frenchman: By, uh... the price.

Frances: If this is some sort of a joke, must I remind you that you have no sense of humor. And you never had, none at all?

Columbo: I jump you, you jump me. That's no good.

Milo: That's enough, Columbo! I'm tired of your accusations and your innuendos.

Valerie: [after Kay finds pill bottles in Valerie's knitting bag] Please, give us a hug.
Kay: [clutches pill bottles] No more hugs, we're fresh out of hugs.

Elliot: Are you interested in buildings or builders?
Columbo: What do you mean?
Elliot: Well, let's look at your itinerary. You showed up at my office at my lecture, and now at my construction site.
Columbo: Well, actually, I just happened to some have spare time.
Elliot: Perhaps you should spend your time a little more productively.

Tommy: Aren't you afraid, bein' up here alone with a killer?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. No, sir, I had a feeling that sooner or later...
[switches on the car radio playing "I Saw the Light"]
Lt. Columbo: Sooner or later you would have confessed, even if I hadn't caught you.
Tommy: Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant. I would've... 'cause it was gettin' to me and I'm glad it's over.
Lt. Columbo: Listen, any man that can sing like that can't be all bad.

Dubbing: [to Columbo] If there's one thing worse than a television lady who thinks she knows everything, it's a television lady who knows everything.

Oliver: Bertie had a tin ear. He understood nothing and liked everything... Tchaikovsky included.

Columbo: [entering Kay's office] That's a very impressive desk, Ma'am. You can run the world from a desk like that.
Kay: The world doesn't count - just the West coast.

Kay: Are you taking anything?
Valerie: Oh God, I look like a junkie, is that it? I've had NO booze, NO pills, NO sniff, and NO smokes... except for these.
[holds up cigarette]

Bo: You really would like to see me dead, wouldn't ya? Well, I'll tell you somethin'. It wouldn't count for much.
Elliot: Well, maybe your wife will have other ideas.
Bo: No, no. It don't mean a thing because, you see, when I die, all of my money goes into trust. Oh, Jennifer will get her share every year - you can count on that - but there won't be any cash to build cities with.

Lt. Columbo: [after shovelling down a load of cheese, cold meat and crab] Do you have anything for an upset stomach?

Lt. Columbo: What is this "pinchazo in the glodio?"
Commandant: [correcting] "Gluteo." That's a puncture in the buttocks.
Lt. Columbo: Well, did the bull get him there, too?

Tommy: Now look, Lieutenant, I'm not gonna try to tell you that Edna and I didn't quarrel. You can't go through a day with Edna without quarrelin'.

Milo: He won't find anything, and in eight months I'm going to be in my villa overlooking the Adriatic with two million in Swiss francs to keep me warm.

Lt. Columbo: You must be a terrific surgeon.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well... Dr. Hidemann and I DO share a mutual respect.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that. Oh, yeah, he must think you're very good. No, actually, Doctor, I was referring to your great concentration.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, how is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Well, when I came in, you see, you were getting the news of your nurse's death on the phone - I could see you were terribly upset - but while you were on the phone, you reset your desk clock.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, I fail to see the virtue in that.
Lt. Columbo: Aw, you're too modest, Doc. No, most people, they'd be in such a state of shock, they'd never be able to split their concentration like that, the way you did, setting your clock there.

Lt. Columbo: Finally got some hard evidence! What is that, Doctor? I'll be a son of a gun. A calibration converter. Do you have the key to that case? Looks like a .22. Fit nicely into a .45 automatic. That's why the barrel and chambers were clean when ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter. I never figured on a converter. And one hidden in a lamp. Doc, I woulda sworn you had a gun hidden in here - and I was trying to smoke you out - but I never figured on this.
Dr. Bart Keppel: A subliminal cut. You used a subliminal cut!
Lt. Columbo: No, quite a few subliminal cuts. From some photos I made. Came in here with Milt last night and we shot some pictures... It must have been the ones around the lamp... Those are the ones that did it. Maybe it was that fella.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Let me... see. May I?
Lt. Columbo: We had them processed last night, and we cut 'em into your movie this morning.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I know one thing, Lieutenant, you have to admit... you never would have solved it without using my technique.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward, I'd support your claim to it.
[Dr. Keppel laughs, half-mad]

Columbo: Listen, uh, you don't mind if I pump your hand, do ya? You're the fellow that was in all those musicals. Wait'll I tell my wife. You were always her favorite. She dragged me to every musical you were ever in.
Ned: I'm sorry you had to be dragged.

Dr. Bart Keppel: Well, Lieutenant, unless you think I can be of any further help, in my opinion, as you people say... that about wraps this up.
Lt. Columbo: I don't think she did it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: You are an incredibly stubborn man. After all the facts you've established, it's obvious the projectionist and Mrs. Norris were in it together.
Lt. Columbo: I STILL don't think she did it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: In that case, I am deeply grateful for one thing.
Lt. Columbo: And what is that, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Keppel: That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8:00, because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now; otherwise, I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Heh... I'll ignore that, because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you, personally, are my alibi.
Lt. Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.
Dr. Bart Keppel: That's not tough. That's impossible. Uh... I imagine you can find someone to get you back to your car.
Lt. Columbo: Certainly.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Good. In that case... goodbye... Lieutenant.

Dr. Eric Mason: What the hell are you playing at?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, just my game, sir. You're good at tennis and word games, and Dr. Hunter, he was a winner with women. This is my game.

Lieutenant: Boy, you and I think the same way. It's amazing.

Tommy: If he's busted that guitar, I'm gonna bust his neck.

Lt. Columbo: [looking at a picture of Habib] The fact is he doesn't look like much of a murderer. You know, after fifteen years in this business, I can still look at a person sometimes and say to myself, "He can't be the murderer."
Hassan: And are you often right?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, 20% or so, if that. Not too many times.

Arthur: Oh, Lieutenant. Thanks for the coffee.

Audrey: Chopin was a composer. He wrote piano pieces. She named her bird after him.

Lt. Columbo: Tommy Brown, he's a singer.
Colonel: Good. Just as long as he isn't a pilot.

Martin: Abigail, you are the most exasperating woman I have ever met!
Abigail: I accept all superlatives.

Janice: Do you think she was the kind of woman... men would have found attractive, for instance?
Lizzy: Why would you ask that? What a silly question. She was a pianist, the poor dear. Something that should concern none of us.

Elliot: Lieutenant, I want you to know I admire you.
Columbo: Oh, really?
Elliot: You got the courage of your conviction. That's an admirable trait - misdirected as it may be.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: [to Columbo] You know, you have a very transparent mind, which in no way implies clear thinking.

Lieutenant: And those were mysteries too, weren't they, huh? They're tricky. I'll tell you that I could never figure those things out.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Neil, be as humble as you like. Einstein was the most modest man I ever met.
Neil: Sure, he could afford to be. He was a genius.

Lieutenant: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.
Ken: But I just did it to distract myself. I mean, you gotta remember one thing, that's a great shock.
Lieutenant: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Linda: He is despicable. He always was and he always will be. You'll beat him, Mr.Dudek. You will beat him at the only thing he really cares about.

Riley: [sarcastically to Eddie as he throws bombs in dump] Bravo, Eddie! Very efficient and may I add that you are truly a living tribute to American ingenuity. A bit depressing for the rats, but, uh, what's one less rat in the world, eh, Eddie?

Denning: [showing Columbo the company computer] This is our memory bank, lieutenant. Millions of bits of information, all cross-filed and on tape, immediately available. There're more electrical impulses in this room than in your brain.

Alex: Speaking of nerves, you know that Tchaikovsky... got so nervous before a concert, he had hallucinations. Once he was so sure his head was about to fall off, that he held onto it with his left hand and he conducted with his right.

Lieutenant: That's my specialty, you know: homicide.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: Now, I think we ought to prosecute these martinis before their statutes of limitations expire.

Lt. Columbo: Sorry, Mr. Gerard, but I can't let you get away with it.
Paul: What?
Lt. Columbo: Your recipe. You didn't think I'd remember, did you? It's onion sauce.

Columbo: [on the phone] Hello? What're you doing up? You know what time it is? It's... um...
Columbo: [calls out] DOES ANYBODY HAVE THE TIME?
Voice: It's 6:30
Columbo: [into the phone] It's 6:30. I'm not yelling.

Lieutenant: Well, there's a lot of snobbery among the wives. 'Cause in my line of business, we meet a lot of people. So one lieutenant, he brings home one guy's, and another lieutenant, he brings home another guy's. So when the wives get together, they can say, "I got an actor," "I got a district attorney." I thought it would be nice if my wife had a conductor's autograph. Would you mind signing this?

Jerry: Oh, Lieutenant, I thought you wanted to use the phone.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I was just gonna call my wife and she's probably still talking, so...

Steve: It's the second time in two days I've been treated like a kid.
Lt. Columbo: When was the other time?
Steve: Uh, when Dr. Cahill asked me to go to the movies, yesterday. He's never done that before.
Lt. Columbo: [intrigued] Is that a fact?
Steve: Does that mean somethin', Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I don't know, Steve, but when people do something for the first time, detectives always get curious.

Paul: O-oh, Lieutenant, you're priceless! You're a gem! You're a little flawed, and you're not too bright, but you're one of a kind!

Milo: Buddy is as honest as I am.
[vouching for employee with a criminal record of fraud attempting to cover up the murder he committed]