Top 100 Quotes From Pennyworth

Alfred: Now what I do know: I know that you're a princess, and I know that I'd slay dragons for you, that I'll always protect you. I'll always respect you, and I'll always love you with all my heart.

Mary: Who are you people?
Kidnapper: That's why we have masks. So you don't know who we are.

John: Mmm! Nothing much better in life than a decent cup of water.

Alfred: You're serious?
Mary: And I'd tell him where to shove his bloody socks.

John: If you sit down by the riverbank and wait long enough, the corpses of your enemies float past. Chinese proverb.
Undine: We're not in China.

Captain: That's my boy.
Melanie: Is that right, Alfie, are you his boy?
Alfred: I'm nobody's boy.

Alfred: She's not single! She's me mum!

Bet: I haven't done anything to ya!... Recently.

Bet: Is that right, Duck, she's your nanny? I see, I see. You're one of them. Filthy bastards. Posh people, perverts the lot of them. It's a wonder they reproduce.

Dorian: You've got the wrong idea about me.
Bet: One more word from you and you'll be choking on your own cock. You ever seen someone choke on their own cock? I have.

Bet: I got into an argy bargy with a bloke from work. Long story short, I killed him.
Lord: Bet, you are incorrigible.
Bet: Thank you. I like to think so.

Baroness: Tell me your dreams.
Alfred: I don't have any. I thought I'd be married to Esme.
Baroness: I mean your sleeping dreams.
Alfred: I have them, but they go as soon as I wake up. I don't remember.
Baroness: Nothing?
Alfred: Scraps.
Baroness: Are they scraps of good dreams or bad dreams?
Alfred: Do people have good dreams?

Martha: It's very sad to see you like this, Alfred. You used to have moral principles.
Alfred: I used to have a teddy bear, too. Toby.

Peggy: She thinks you're dead.
Bet: That's romantic, isn't it? Coming back to life.

Lord: STOP! Officers of the law! This is England! You will respect our ancient rights and liberties and stop this violence immediately! Stand Down.

Deon: Seriously now, what do you have to do in return?
Alfred: Three guesses.
Deon: Kill someone.

Thomas: What a pleasant unexpected surprise.
Martha: A surprise is always unexpected, isn't it?

Alfred: Martha, my old Sargeant had five rules for staying alive. Rule number one: Don't be a hero. Rule number 2: Avoid heroes.
Martha: I'm no hero.
Alfred: They all say that. Have you ever tried a Scotch egg?
Martha: No. Think about the money.
Alfred: Rule number three: Don't think about the money.
Martha: You're making these rules up.
Alfred: Good sense is good sense.

Alfred: You all right?
Mary: [being kidnapped] I'm all right, son. Don't give the bastards a penny!
Kidnapper: Shut it!
Mary: Or else what?
Alfred: You leave this to me!
Mary: You've worked hard for that money!
Alfred: Mom! Be quiet and let me handle this.
Mary: Don't you tell me to be quiet! You go away! That money's for my grandchildren, if you ever settle down, which you should.
Alfred: Not now, Mom!
Mary: You promise me this, and I'll die happy.
Alfred: Fuck's sake.

Thomas: You'd be doing your country a great service.
Alfred: I've been serving them since I was 16. I'm serving myself now.

Deon: Another bad dream?
Alfred: Yeah. Dave Boy's mom again.
Wallace: You should be so lucky.

Thomas: Bet Sykes is dead.
Alfred: Yeah. No. Long story.

Captain: [about Alfred] If you weren't such a low ruffian, you'd have made a splendid officer.

Mrs: You said Ravens was just a hobby, like the masons. You never said anything about revolutions!

Alfred: We're going to America, Mom. A new life.
Mary: Just now on the telly, a man in
Alfred: Not everywhere. Not in the cities.

Captain: I'm Gully Troy. And you don't cross me.
Alfred: I'm Alfred Pennyworth, and I just did.

Bet: Do you trust me?
Katie: Sort of.

Alfred: Surprise is always the best strategy.
Deon: Sure. Especially when you're running away.

Alfred: Business has been good, but that's not the point. Well, no, that sort of is my point, actually. Uh, sorry, you're distracting me. What's my point?

Detective: Look around you. How many of these people understand war? How many of them could command men in battle?
Alfred: Well that dancer there could invade Russia all on her own. Me, I'm not gonna command anybody, in any battle, anywhere.

Lord: I think you know, Alfred, that this great nation of ours is at war with itself, the forces of order and virtue battling extreme evil.
Alfred: Still, mustn't grumble.

Wallace: Five pounds an hour to put a homosexual on an airplane? I'm your man. I'll give him a wank as we go.

Arthur: So you think I'm sitting on a cloud in a white nightie, do you? Playing a midget harp?
Alfred: Well, yeah, something like that.
Arthur: Well, that's a very childish notion of death you've got there, son.

Martha: That's the people's money. That could be spent on feeding refugees, or buying arms or medicine.
Alfred: Someone woke up grumpy today.
Martha: And what will you spend it on?
Alfred: Fast cars, loose women.

Deon: Texas hold 'em is all they play in Las Vegas. I'll get the hang of it, but it's a strange game. It's more of a knife fight than a chess match.

Lord: Bet, murdering a superior officer, I mean, it's not the thing.

Melanie: I'm not sure if you're brave or stupid.
Alfred: Both.

Martha: I can't mislead you; I'm going to represent myself as Thurso's lawyer and get him out.
Alfred: Represent yourself as his lawyer.
Martha: Yes.
Alfred: But you're not, are you?
Martha: They're going to castrate him.
Alfred: That doesn't make you a lawyer.
Martha: They carry briefcases and act like assholes. I think I can pull that off.

Alfred: You had the courage to go your own way and trust yourself. I didn't. But I do now... if you'll have me.

Colonel: I like to know what makes people tick.
Alfred: People don't tick.
Colonel: Of course they do. You, for instance, tick like a taxi meter. Money drives your wheels. Tick tick tick.
Alfred: Not at all. Just a means to an end, chief. Means to an end.

Alfred: I had a mate called Spanish. He used to say life is either a comedy or a tragedy and you have to choose one or the other. I prefer having a laugh.

Inspector: A useful man you know to be untrustworthy is better than no man at all.

Bet: It's not murder I'm in the right, is it?

Deon: If you want to die, do it quickly, and don't make your friends watch!
Wallace: I don't want to die; I'm just trying to pass the fucking time, you know? I'm trying to pass the time.

Martha: You *were* there. You were the bad sniper.
Thomas: You missed deliberately?
Wallace: Alfred can shoot down flies.
Martha: You missed because it was us?
Alfred: I was tempted. It would've solved a lot of problems, but it didn't seem like fair play.
Martha: Thank you.
[to Bazza and Dave Boy]
Martha: And you guys too, I guess.
Deon: Not at all. I was for shooting you. Nothing personal.
Wallace: Me too. And that's a lot of peer pressure on your man. You two should be grateful.
Thomas: I am. Thank you much appreciated. And fuck you guys!
[Dave Boy and Bazza laugh]

Peggy: Nice to meet you, Katie. You'd best come in before your girlfriend here murders someone else.

Thomas: For such a sharp backgammon player, you really are very naïve.

Detective: Supposing what you say is true. I wasn't on Esme's case. Why do you assume I know anything about it?
Alfred: You know everything. It's your job.
Detective: Flattery again.
Alfred: I'm not happy, Mr. Aziz. I'm not happy at all. Was you to play ignorant, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Detective: Are you threatening me?
Alfred: Yeah, I am.
Detective: Just wanted to be clear on that point. I'd hate to capitulate too easily.

Alfred: This house, this whole city, is nothing but sad memories. It's where I killed my own father.

Deon: You need help with the drinking!
Wallace: I can drink fine on my own.

Martha: Well, that was a crazy day.
Thomas: I told you not to come.
Martha: Are you kidding me? I wouldn't have missed that for the world!
Thomas: You nearly died.
Martha: That's just it. I *nearly* died. But I didn't. Is there any better feeling?
Thomas: Well, I can think of several.
[both laugh]

Patricia: Tommy, you're my brother, and I love you, so I'm going to tell you the truth. You're a callous, cold hearted, small minded, priggish, money grubbing, loveless, fucked in the head loser.

Martha: How can you be so cold?
Thomas: Practice and discipline.

Mary: Be good.
Alfred: I wish you'd stop telling me that.
Mary: I'll stop telling you that when you stop needing to be told.

Alfred: California, now there's a place. Sunshine, fresh fruit. We could have a house in an orange grove.
Mrs: Very nice. If you like that sort of thing.
Alfred: You like an orange.
Mrs: I like cabbages, too. Don't mean I want to live in a cabbage path.

Melanie: Are you a betting man, Alfie?
Alfred: Nah. If you're not in the know, it's a mug's game.

Lord: You told me? You told me? I'm the High Chancellor of England! You do not tell me anything! Nobody tells me what to do!

Martha: What's that?
Alfred: A maypole.
Martha: What's it for?
Alfred: I wouldn't like to say, Miss, to a lady.
Martha: Pretend I'm not a lady.
Alfred: It's for sex orgies, Miss.
Martha: You're kidding me!
Alfred: Very set in their ways, these country people.

Colonel: Everybody says you're a very brave man, Mr. Orwell.
George: What everybody says is usually wrong.

Peggy: You're out of your mind.
Bet: We had a connection. She likes me.
Peggy: You abducted her, and you locked her up, you daft bitch. She's terrified of you.
Bet: You wouldn't know. You weren't there.

Deon: Alfie, look around you. The man's crazy. There's no reasoning crazy.

Martha: Should we drink that? She could've put knock out drops in it or something.
Alfred: Poison the tea? Never. The Raven society might be a bad lot, but they're not bloody Italians.

Alfred: Listen, I can't say too much. The phone's probably been tapped.
Mrs: Somebody's listening? They should be ashamed of themselves.

Mr: Let him disrespect his father in his own house; I can take it.
Alfred: There's only been two people disrespected in this house, and you ain't one of them, are you, Dad? Be honest.

Mr: The American president has announced his intention to put a man on the moon!
Mrs: Goodness! Why, though? Did he do something very terrible?
Mr: Who?
Mrs: The man they're sending to the moon.
Mr: No, Mother, no, I expect it'll be some brave volunteer who'll be, you know, selected. It's not a punishment.
Mrs: It sounds like one.
[laughs]
Mrs: Who'd want to go to the moon?

Martha: I've never been seduced by a crypto fascist bastard before. Not knowingly, anyhow.

Inspector: If vile atrocities and brutish sadism won wars, we'd all be speaking German.

Martha: Okay. He's heinous.
Thomas: Thank you. I know how hard it is for you to agree with me.

Inspector: They say rightly, that there are no atheists in foxholes. But there are no saints, either.

Thomas: I told you the truth, because I want to help you make good choices. Forgive me!
Martha: Why do you want to help me? How does that help your agenda?
Thomas: Agenda? Oh, for God's sake! Helping you doesn't help me at all. I like you, okay? I like you, and I want to be a friend to you! God knows why.
Martha: So you want to discredit the cause that I believe in because you like me?
Thomas: No. Yes. Yes! That's exactly correct! I give up.
Martha: [thinks for a few seconds] Oh! You - you mean you *like* me?
Thomas: Forget I ever spoke, okay?
Martha: Wow, that hadn't occurred to me. Like, sexually?
Thomas: Uh, I'm sorry, Alfie.
Alfred: Pretend I'm not here.
Wallace: Nearly there.
Thomas: Thank God!

Mrs: Don't he look smart, Mr. P.?
Mr: You look like a hairdresser.

Mrs: You hungry? How about some nice liver and onions?
Alfred: No. Already ate.
Mrs: I'll just make you some eggs then.

Thomas: So, my little sister. Getting married. Amazing.
Patricia: know you don't like him.
Thomas: Well, hey, at least he doesn't worship Satan, as far as I know. Next thing you'll be having kids.
Patricia: See? You're trying to scare me.
Thomas: Newsflash, Pat, kids are what happen when you have sex.
Patricia: Well we'll stick to anal, then.

Alfred: Consider it done.
Martha: At your prices, I should hope so.

Alfred: All this talk of animals. I do have an animal in me. He's fed me, paid the rent, kept me alive since I was sixteen. And I don't know if there's anybody else in there. Somebody more peaceful. Somebody that deserves you. Anyway, I've decided not to worry anymore. It's a waste of time, so...

Deon: You're in Babylon, Alfie. They won't let you go. They'll want you to keep killing people, and you don't like killing people.

Martha: You shouldn't swear on your children's lives. Not when you're lying.

Martha: I thought you were a man of honor.
Alfred: People disappoint you a lot, don't they? Perhaps your standards are too high?

Martha: But so when the shit hits the fan, what should I do?
Alfred: Switch off the fan, I suppose, or stand behind something shit proof.

John: When I saw you at the funeral, I was worried about your survival. I am so glad to see you getting better.
Alfred: Much better.
John: Sarcasm, Alfred! You're looking like a French dogger! I'm sorry to see you like this.
Alfred: I'm all right.
John: You're a shameful mess!

Mary: If your father was alive, he'd be rolling in his grave!

Ian: [panting] I'm -I'm - I'm fibrillating!
Alfred: You're all right. Drink some water.

Peggy: [on the Queen] She's been kidnapped, she's had a knife at her throat, her throne's in balance, and yet she's so desperate to win at Happy Family she's looking at your bloody cards, is she?
[pause]
Peggy: Are you?

Alfred: Get out! A woman? No wonder you're a secret.

Lord: Well, I speak figuratively. Technically you'd have to call it a coup d'etat. What do you think of that?
Alfred: As a rule, if you have to use French words for something, I don't like it.

Thomas: In twenty years, Gotham will be the Zurich of the Eastern seaboard.

Aleister: God loves you, Thomas, but he's-he's very judgmental. Isn't he? Satan doesn't judge. He adore every part of you. Even the squalid lust for advancement that led you here. All he wants in return, is a little respect. A gesture of friendship.
Thomas: You're serious.
Aleister: Always.

Thomas: Why sacrifice yourself to a lost cause?
Martha: You wouldn't understand. You don't believe in anything!
Thomas: Very little. What I believe in is true. What you believe in isn't!

Thomas: You remember my sister, Patricia.
Alfred: Of course. You punched me on the nose.
Patricia: Did I? I'm sorry. I expect you deserved it.

Alfred: Nothing like a little blood and guts to brighten the day, eh?

Alfred: What? You made a face!
Mrs: It's my face. I can do what I like with it!

John: I'm an undertaker; nobody I meet is happy.

Martha: Want me to drive?
Thomas: Nope.
Martha: You going to be like this the whole time?
Thomas: Like what?
Martha: Resentful.
Thomas: Yep.

Martha: You're a strange sort of soldier who doesn't like guns and violence.
Alfred: You probably haven't met many soldiers.
Martha: My father was a soldier.
Alfred: Did he tell you about his nightmares?
Martha: He said he slept like a baby.
Alfred: He was lying to you.

Undine: His Lordship likes women.
Thomas: All men like women.
Undine: He'd be surprised, wouldn't he?
[laughs with Martha]
Martha: Oh, boy!
Thomas: [flustered] Most men. A very high percentage.

Wallace: Alfie, it's me, Dave boy, saving your Sassenach ass again!

Martha: You son of a bitch! Unprofessional? Look at you!
Thomas: I have the flu.
Martha: You're drowning in scotch and pills, you haven't slept right in ages, you've been crying, and you're the big shot CIA man?
[scoffs]
Martha: If you're the benchmark, I think I can measure up okay.

Lord: [last lines; while he's dragged naked through the Tower of London] I'll be back! I'll be back!

Esme: I'm nervous... About meeting your parents. Are you?
Alfred: No.
Esme: I am. Why do you like me?
Alfred: What sort of question's that?
Esme: Jolly easy one, I should think.
Alfred: You make me feel like anything is possible.
Esme: Good answer. Just in time.
Alfred: Well, I was going to say I like your boobs, but I thought better of it. I'm learning, see? Fair play, now you?
Esme: Your very alive.

Katie: Do as you like.
Bet: If could do as I like, I'd be an air hostess. You're seeing the world and you're helping people at the same time.