1000 Best Sheldon Cooper Quotes

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.
Penny: That's not mine.
Sheldon: It's not?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: [holds up a pair of large pink panties] So you're telling me that this is not yours.
Penny: Nope.
Sheldon: So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: [drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands] And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.

Bernadette: [Howard is scarfing down food] Howie, slow down.
Howard: I can't. I'm not allowed to eat for twelve hours before my surgery, and I only got two more minutes.
Leonard: [seeing Raj eating just as fast] What surgery are you having?
Raj: I'm stress eating. My best friend's getting a vasectomy tomorrow.
Penny: And you're sad you won't be able to bear his child?
Sheldon: [looking at his phone] Oh, my goodness.
Bernadette: If it's "vasectomy gone wrong" videos, he's seen them all. Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
Howard: [putting his plate of food down] And I'm done.

Sheldon: Leonard, I'm dying.
Leonard: You're not dying. It's just the flu.
Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken & stars. It's killing me.

Leonard: A relationship is not something you can quantify.
Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. This french fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly enough, a four.
Leonard: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.

Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard! Oh, it's rustic, it's lovely! I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me! I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! They have tasers, but they wouldn't dare use... AAAAH!

Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your momma! Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.

- Then you go and do that.
- So in conclusion,
- I believe the painful sensation felt...
- After passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof...
- That the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject.
- What are we doing for Valentine's day?
Sheldon: Oh, you caught that, did you?

Leonard: [after Sheldon freaking out about the bird] Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon: Good idea! Attention is what birds want.

Sheldon: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
Raj: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.

Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon: [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon: Now you do too.

Penny: OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.
Penny: Sheldon, ask your question.
Sheldon: OK, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon: For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: I can answer that one. I'll be bored.
Ms. Davora: All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.
Sheldon: That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ms. Davora: I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh. Here we go.
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.
Ms. Davora: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.
Ms. Davora: They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Ms. Davora: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.
Ms. Davora: Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it is truly deserved. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow. You really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the M word before.

Sheldon: The apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminescent paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You're kidding.
[Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor]
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.

President: [sternly and angrily to Amy and Sheldon] Listen up. You have a shot to win a Nobel Prize... and you're blowing it!
Janine: [calmly to Amy and Sheldon] I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that you have a shot to win a Nobel Prize, and you're blowing it.
Sheldon: [confused, pointing at President Siebert] That's exactly what he said.
Janine: Yes, but I said it in my calming HR voice.

Bernadette: Well?
Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.
Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard: [angrily] For the love of God, why?
Bernadette: [Sheldon awkwardly heads towards Leonard and Raj on the couch] What exactly do you think you'd get sick of?
Raj: [speaking quietly to Leonard] His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
Howard: It's nothing in particular. I...
Bernadette: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy?
Howard: [he rubs his right arm] My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard: [to Raj] Nailed it.
Bernadette: That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, Doofus.

Bert: Hey, Sheldon, you left your jacket in my office last night.
Sheldon: Uh, oh. No-no, I didn't. That's-that's not my jacket.
Leonard: Then why does it say "Property of S. Cooper. Stop touching it"?
Sheldon: It sounds like someone named Scooper doesn't want you touching his jacket.
Howard: Are you guys working together on that meteorite project?
Sheldon: Yes, fine. You found me out. I'm doing geology. Just, please, don't tell anyone.
Bert: Are you embarassed of me?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not you. No, just the work that you've devoted your entire life to.

Amy: [Playing Heads Up; the clue is Tesla] Okay, this is someone you love.
Sheldon: I got it, it's me.
Amy: No. He's an underapreciated scientist.
Sheldon: Still think it's me.
Amy: It's not you. Now think. He has a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is: the Mini Cooper, because it's me.
Amy: Let's try this. He's the poorman's Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, Tesla! It's Tesla.

Sheldon: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard: [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.
[Sheldon looks offended]
Leonard: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't see how you could.

Sheldon: I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.
Leonard: 'Cause when you talk, it enrages people.
Sheldon: OK. Uh, quick question: am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?
Leonard: I'm getting enraged.

Sheldon: I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Lalita: Well thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.
Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Lalita: Really? So do I.
Raj: But you're a dentist. He's nuts.

[first lines]
Leonard: We're pinned down!
Howard: We can't get through!
Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help!
Sheldon: OK, one second.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?
Sheldon: I'm trying to shoot!
Howard: Then use the 'Shoot' button not the 'Wonderful-thing-about-Tiggers' button!
Leonard: Aaaw.
Raj: That's it. We're dead.
Howard: Challenge them again.
Leonard: Doing it right now. They can't; there's an important Little League game tomorrow.
Howard: No wonder they beat us; they're jocks.

Mary: Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdelene a woman of ill repute?
Mary: When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

Raj: Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj: Is that a thing?
Sheldon: Until they make a nose condom, I'm not going to find out.

Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Mary: Hello again.
Sheldon: Who did you see at the barbecue festival?
Mary: Mr. Watkins.
Sheldon: Really? You called me and interrupted my work to tell me that you ran into somebody you could plausibly run into? I'm sorry, mother, I really need to focus here. I will speak to you next week.
Mary: Okay, sweetheart. I'll talk to you then.
[he hangs up; after a moment of looking at his white board, he dials his phone]
Sheldon: I thought Mr. Watkins moved to Florida.
Mary: He did. He was back visiting his son.
Sheldon: Oh, gosh darn it, that is interesting. Was it Tommy or Joe? I bet it was Joe, 'cause he and Tommy had a falling out over that timeshare.

Penny: I really don't see what the big deal is.
Sheldon: Well, of course your don't. You've never excelled at anything.
Penny: I don't understand. Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard: We liked Leonard.

Sheldon: [He and Amy are still lying on the bed sick from the frontier dinner] Uh oh!
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I left the food out.
Amy: You afraid it's gonna go *good*?

Sheldon: When's the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

Amy: [Looking at their boards] Wow. Look at that.
Sheldon: Yes. It's remarkable.
Amy: So we're agreed: it's total garbage.
Sheldon: By the way, your name can go first.

Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-Boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.

Sheldon: Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
Raj: That is such a stereotype!
Sheldon: There won't be any elephants?
Raj: Of course there'll be elephants. It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.

Amy: Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon: Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"
Amy: Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...
[pauses]
Amy: I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.

Bernadette: [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.
Sheldon: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay.
[Sits on floor. Gasps]
Sheldon: Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

Leonard: So how did it go with Amy?
Sheldon: Fine. It's comforting to know that Amy and I can still be friends.
Penny: That's good. I could never be friends with any of my exes.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard can pull it off.

Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

Raj: There's about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don't you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies?
Sheldon: I'm on it. Hey, look at that: an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fellow.

Penny: All right, Saturday is the big day. A lot of people thought this would never come. I may have been one of those people.
Amy: I may have been one of those people.
Sheldon: Wait, wait. Are we talking about the wedding?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I was definitely one of those people.

Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about flags.
Raj: I will take that action.
Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.

Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, this is so exciting!
Sheldon: Well, now don't be surprised if like Star Trek, it's canceled in three.

Raj: Hey, is Penny here?
Leonard: No. Why?
Raj: I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler!
Leonard: [Amy enters, looking drop-dead gorgeous] Wow. Amy, you look amazing.
Amy: Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think?
Sheldon: [giving her a once-over] I like you better the way you were.
Raj: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes.
Sheldon: I don't care. Put it back.
Amy: I like the way I look.
Sheldon: [storming out] Well, I don't!
Leonard: [following him] My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.

Sheldon: I can smell that food truck from up here.
Amy: Just close the window if you don't like the smell.
Sheldon: Of course I like the smell. It's salt and fat. My brain may be evolved, but my tongue still wants to pick up a club and drag that truck back to my cave.
Amy: So there's something you like, but it's also driving you crazy. Been there, doing it now.

Leonard: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.

Sheldon: What do I have to say to bring this discussion to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard: Tell me whether or not I should go out with Penny.
Sheldon: Schrodinger's cat.
Leonard: Wow, that is brilliant!
Sheldon: You sound so surprised.

Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Sheldon: So it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today's your birthday?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's always been a secret! Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon: Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yell, "Surprise!" fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas' Director's Cut."

Leonard: Tesla was a genius who invented our electrical grid. Edison just wanted to get rich and famous.
Penny: Didn't he invent the lightbulb?
Sheldon: That's what he wants you to think. But without the foundational work of Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue and James Bowman Lindsay, you wouldn't know Edison any more than you know Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue or James Bowman Lindsay.
Amy: Isn't he sexy all fired up? He really gets my current alternating, if you know what I mean.
Leonard: Edison was kind of a publicity hog and a bully.
Raj: Yeah, he electrocuted an elephant named Topsy just to make himself famous. If I had an elephant named Topsy, he would want for nothing. Also, he'd be named Jumbo.
Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer... Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.
Howard: [to Amy] Is your current still alternating?
Amy: We're lucky there aren't any elephants in here.

Sheldon: Penny, I realize you're also on your own tonight so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

Howard: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]
Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
[peers under the table]
Sheldon: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj: It's one of his best moves.

Leonard: Okay, now do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says, "Keep this on your person at all times". It's right here under Batman's signature.

Sheldon: [about Bert] Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm; he didn't even notice.
Leonard: [sarcastically] I know. And it was the greatest sarcastic quip I've ever heard.
Sheldon: [oblivious] Well, aren't you a peach.

[last lines]
Howard: Sir, we've hit a bit of a snag. We're already behind schedule.
Sheldon: The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.
Leonard: I understand that we're under contract, and I don't know what the consequences of violating that are but, um, we're not going to be able to deliver in the time we promised.
Colonel: How long do you need?
Howard: W- w- we're thinking... two years.
Colonel: All right.
Howard: Huh, that's it? You're OK with that?
Colonel: Tscha. Well, you think you're the first contractor who isn't going to deliver on time? Still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, sir.
Howard: Yes, thank your so much.
Sheldon: We, we really appreciate it.
[they leave, but the Colonel hears them talking in the hall]
Leonard: All right, pressure's off.
Howard: Want to see a movie?
Sheldon: Popcorn's on me.

Sheldon: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.

Sheldon: Do you need some pajamas and a toothbrush?
Amy: Would it alarm you to know that two years ago I've hidden some in your apartment for just such an ocassion?
[Produces bag containing pajamas]
Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. But how did you know we'd be in the living room?
Amy: Who said this is the only one I hid?

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care.
[thinks about it]
Leonard: Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No - that was the result of my work with lasers.

Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.

Sheldon: Leonard, you have a brother, right?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Is he the worst? Is he an unspeakable abomination? Does the very thought of him make your skin crawl?
Leonard: Well, he laughs at his own jokes, but otherwise, he's okay.

Leonard: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard: All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
Sheldon: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh: [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon: [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh: [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]

Sheldon: [knocking on Wil's door] Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
[peeking inside, then ringing the doorbell]
Sheldon: Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
Wil: Now's not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For what?
Wil: You.
Sheldon: I need to apologize.
Wil: Apology accepted.
Joe: [off screen] Wil, come on! I cast Fireball, and you need to roll your Dexterity Save.
Wil: I'll be right there.
Sheldon: Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Wil: No.
Kevin: Would you hurry up, man? The map says this dungeon's full of dragons.
Wil: [seeing Sheldon's look] Still no.
Sheldon: Who are you playing with?
Wil: Uh... it's just some friends. You don't know them.
William: Wheaton, get back here. Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout cookies.
Sheldon: Is that William Shat...
Wil: [shutting the door] Nope.

Sheldon: The revisions I made start on page four.
Penny: Wow, that is a lot of "whereupons".
Amy: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.

Leonard: See? I told you Howard was as good a Dungeon Master as me.
Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes!

[first lines]
Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon: It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Sheldon: Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.
Amy: I'm sorry, wha- what am I looking at?
Sheldon: Basically everything I've ever owned. Um, every book, every t-shirt, every piece of broken electronics, just... all of it.
Amy: All of it?
Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.

Penny: How's Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems alright, although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Although, now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

Sheldon: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

Leonard: We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Sheldon: [Leonard lied to Penny] So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

Sheldon: Well, I was her special little boy, and she did take my flower.
Penny: Do boys have flowers?
Leonard: Who knows what he has down there?

Leonard: You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!

Sheldon: I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.

Sheldon: He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

Sheldon: What?
Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
Penny: Can you believe it's been eight years?
Sheldon: And you're still eating our food.

Leonard: [surprised] Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.
[he takes a drink]
Sheldon: Jeepers, that's yucky!
Leonard: Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?

- Good night.
Penny: Good night.
- Well, that was weird. Even for him.
- Mm.
Sheldon: Leonard and penny.
- Leonard and penny. Leonard and penny.
- Who is it?
- Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.
- Yes?
- May I come in?

Sheldon: You remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that like most things I say, it's probably pure gold. So I started recording it all and now Alex gets to comb through 8 hours of what I like to call "Sheldon After Dark".

Sheldon: The Comic-Con breakup's easy to remember, because Leonard was the saddest Pikachu.
Amy: Right, and he wiped his nose on your cape, and then you were the saddest Darth Vader.

Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
Sheldon: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
[sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]
Sheldon: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
Leonard: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
Penny: It's exactly the same...
Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon: More?
Leonard: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Sheldon: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Leonard: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon: [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Leonard: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon: But - oh this changes everything.
Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up right?
Leonard: Yeah, I wish I had.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon: I still don't like this cushion.

Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?
Penny: Ooh, me.
Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece. And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
[Sheldon reaches for the last piece, but Penny takes ahead]
Penny: Thank you all for this high honor.
Sheldon: I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating.

Bernadette: It's hard to be taken seriously when you're always the smallest person in the room.
Sheldon: I know that. I was in high school when I was 9 years old. I tried to tell the other kids that although my physical stature was small, my intellectual stature towered over them. That only seemed to make things worse.

Amy: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do...
Sheldon: Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You're either with me or against me.
Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon: Maybe there's a third option.

Penny: Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Penny: Mhm.
Sheldon: I'm the guy.
Penny: You're not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, the baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time...
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp.

Amy: It's not your fault. I mean, what man wouldn't be seduced by the power to decide how late the laundry room stays open?
Penny: Wait, you're the reason I had to come back and get my jeans the next morning?
Sheldon: I can't believe you expect me to give that up!
Amy: Sheldon, it's the American way, the peaceful transfer of power.
Sheldon: I don't know.
Leonard: Think about "Ant-Man".
Sheldon: I'm always thinking about "Ant-Man"!
Leonard: Michael Douglas had the suit, and then he passed it on to Paul Rudd.
Sheldon: Maybe you're right.
Amy: Really? The "Ant-Man" thing? That's what won you over?
Sheldon: Yes. He got the details right. That's how you use a superhero.

Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.
Leonard: If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.
Sheldon: It's a made up story, Leonard. I don't even know why you're talking about it.

Sheldon: You're in my spot.

Leonard: What's the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!

Abby: Hi, Raj. Where are you from?
Rajesh: The mysterious sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh... India?
Rajesh: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Rajesh: Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist.

Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.

Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can't outsource that to an Indian.

Sheldon: I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job.
[Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]
Leonard: You're giving me a sticker?
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"
Leonard: I'm not a kindergardner.
Sheldon: All right, I'll take it back.
Leonard: Hey, I earned this, back off!

Penny: I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even gonna be there to support him?
Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.

Leonard: Hey. Where have you been?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I would say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
Leonard: [to himself] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
[heavy sigh]
Leonard: I meant "Golly, Sheldon, you've been gone a long time."
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette, and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard's father.
Leonard: What information?
Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Raj: Well, come on. We won't tell anyone.
Sheldon: Sorry. Badgering me won't work. What you should have said is "It's pointless to keep this a secret, because Penny will tell us."
Leonard: Fine, then that.
Sheldon: All right, I'll tell you.

Sheldon: [looking through children's books on making friends] All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.

Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Sword Master!

Amy: This project would have us working in close proximity to one another, and there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and um, "who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here?" But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy: Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon: Really!
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Hnh. I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant.
Amy: I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon: Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady.
[he heads toward the washroom]

Howard: [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?
Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.

Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.

Howard: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.

Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch Tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy: I'll put it on the list with peaches and felt.

Bernadette: Did you just come here to complain?
Sheldon: You're complaining too. "Sheldon, why are you here?" "Sheldon, applesauce is for the baby!"

Leonard: Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?
Sheldon: Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.

[first lines]
Leonard: The math is all there; it's not real
Penny: Yes, it is!
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
Raj: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
Raj: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.

Howard: [about a Swamp thing figure] It's a little expensive
Sheldon: What if it would make me happy to have it? Knowing I would wake up seeing it every morning for the rest of my life
Howard: Really? A dried clump of swamp grass?
Sheldon: Well Bernadette's no prize either

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard: Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I'm so glad you understand.
Sheldon: No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.
Leonard: Well, I understand too.
Sheldon: You're just misappropriating my understanding.

Sheldon: Amy... I usually know exactly what to say. But in this moment... I have no words. I guess... I'm overwhelmed by you. In a good way. Not in the elevator in the Haunted Mansion way. Even if I can't tell you now how I feel, I will spend my life showing you how much I love you.

Sheldon: So! This is engineering, huh?
Howard: [on phone] I'll talk to you later.
Sheldon: Engineering, where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa Loompas of science!

Sheldon: Earlier tonight, things began organically and now it's feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was 6 years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You're kidding.
Sheldon: No sir. I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat.

Leonard: There's not much you're both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you're both equally bad at?
Sheldon: Sports.

Amy: I'm trying to get our grant proposal together. Any chance you've finished those mechanical drawings?
Howard: Oh, sorry. I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.
Raj: [winking] Yeah, you did.
Amy: What are they talking about?
Sheldon: I'll give you a hint. It's something that we have done four times.
Amy: Watched "La La Land"?
Sheldon: What? No. No. I've not watched "La La Land" four times. If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.

Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."

Sheldon: [seeing the mess in Penny's apartment] Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: [looking around] How can you be sure?

Sheldon: You know, it's a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.
Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?

James: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back, and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.
Sheldon: You too? But he wasn't, was he?
James: He was not! How messed up was that?

Amy: Have to say you do look good in that suit.
Sheldon: Uh, thank you.
Amy: Maybe later I'll, uh, get to see you in your 'birthday suit'.
Sheldon: This is my birthday suit.

Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested

Sheldon: I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon: Essentially, yes.
Penny: OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?

Sheldon: [Sheldon shows Penny the tie hanging from Leonard's doorknob] What does it mean?
Penny: Oh come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.

Sheldon: Oh, boy.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can't comment without violating our agreement that I don't criticize your work.
Leonard: Then what was "Oh, boy"?
Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.

Sheldon: An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!

Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?
Sheldon: I'll do it.
Professor: He's not a relative. He's not allowed, right?
Paramedic: No, it's not a rule. He can go.
Sheldon: Oh yes!
Professor: I can't catch a break today.

Sheldon: [about his toilet training journal] There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Disgusting!
Leonard: No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.

Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Penny: Oh. Well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks, and probably get a massage, and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon: That's it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon: You didn't mention Leonard.
Penny: [pauses, looking a little guilty] He's there.
Sheldon: I don't think so. Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages, or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay, what's yours?
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Then a wormhole opens and whisks me millions of years into the future, where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting. You didn't mention Amy.
Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?

Sheldon: The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Sheldon: Greetings from Planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can't miss it.

Sheldon: I think a birthday party's a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish... Year after year, I had to endure wearing comical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles. Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.

Sheldon: I'm the lead author.
Leonard: Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.

Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
Howard: [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
[turning to Sheldon]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And you are?
Sheldon: [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.
[turning to Leonard]
Sheldon: How was that?

Sheldon: Forget helium, the real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "don't tell momma" juice.

Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.

Sheldon: [Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
Penny: Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.
[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
[she walks away]
Leonard: [knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

Sheldon: Can you believe they said I was just like Edison? Yeah, and in front of a lady, no less.
Amy: Well, you are building on their work and taking the credit for it. That's a classic Edison move.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm Edison and you love me, then what does that say about you?
Amy: I honestly don't know.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, I have to Google some stuff about Mrs. Edison. I'll be right back.

Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you're at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend a day with the world's most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.

Leonard: Any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.

Sheldon: [to Raj and Howard, finally having heard enough] Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
[Imitating his mother]
Sheldon: "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking I'd leave you!"
[Imitating his father]
Sheldon: "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
[as his mother]
Sheldon: "Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!"
[as his father]
Sheldon: "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry: that I let you name him Sheldon!"
[Storms out of the comic book store]

Sheldon: Being with Amy has awaken the sexual beast within me. Whenever I see a woman walk by, I think "hubba-hubba" like any other man.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? Cause it's fine.

Sheldon: What are you sitting on?
Howard: I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
Leonard: Not a good idea.
Raj: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Howard: Right.
Raj: Hilarious!

Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
Octavia: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
Octavia: That's because I don't.

Professor: I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. The show is for me. Come on, I'll race ya... Arthur.

Leonard: Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!
Sheldon: That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

Sheldon: I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
Leonard: Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin. Now how about we try a bouffant?"
Howard: [phone rings] Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight. Hey, baby...
Penny: [to Leonard] His right hand is calling him?

Leonard: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.
Sheldon: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.

Sheldon: Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nrevous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

Sheldon: It says here you're a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for it's britches?
Candidate: Is that supposed to be a joke?
Sheldon: Looks like argon's not the only one with an attitude problem.

Sheldon: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.

Sheldon: I'll finish making the tea while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever's troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That's what tertiary friends are for.

Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.

[first lines]
Bernadette: Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Bernadette: Oh, and, Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Penny: Oh, that's okay.
Leonard: Hey. Tha-That's an Ewok and it's mine.
Penny: Yeah, which is why it's okay.
Sheldon: [to Amy] See, he gets Ewoks in his bed.
Amy: You've got Chewbacca, that's enough.
Raj: I used to have the stuffed raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, but Cinnamon licked it raw.
Howard: There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and... it's "never and nowhere".

Penny: Really? This thing has numbers?
Sheldon: Anything has a number if you assign it a number. Friend number 4.

Sheldon: Howard, you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't!
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Double-Bazinga! I do!

Sheldon: I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Howard: Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I saw my Mommy with a naked man and she's trying to be a Mommy again.

Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

Sheldon: Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?
[Presses buttons frantically]
Sheldon: Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!

Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.

Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.

Amy: Hey, how's it going?
Sheldon: Really good. Georgie's going to come to the wedding.
Amy: Oh, that's great!
Sheldon: Why aren't you looking at the camera?
Amy: Oh, you know, I'm just working on my peripheral vision.
Sheldon: Well, that is nonsense. Your peripheral vision is fine. Are those women's magazines making you feel bad about yourself again?
Amy: [covering] Yup, that is what's happening.
Sheldon: I have told you before, those women are airbrushed to make it look like they have good vision.

Leonard: Oh, thank God we're home!
Howard: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Rajesh: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That's close enough.

Wil: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil: I remembered your story about how you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed and I didn't show up. Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: [reads] "To Sheldon. Sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton."
Wil: It's my last one and I want you to have it.
Sheldon: [holds up action figure] Look, everyone! Wil Wheaton is my friend!
[He gives Wil a hug; Brent Spiner enters and grabs the figure]
Brent: Oh, wow. I haven't seen one of these in years.
[Rips open the box]
Brent: Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend Wil Wheaton!
Brent: I'm sorry, slim. I have some Mr. Data dolls in the truck of my car. Do you want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You already signed something Brent Spiner... your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy!
Wil: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.

Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...
Howard: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
[does Vulcan salute]

Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.

Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard: [long pause] Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon: [coming in] Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Amy: You know, if that study's real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.
Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well done, it worked. We're going.

Sheldon: [knock, knock, knock] Dr. Pemberton!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Dr. Campbell!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Drs. Pemberton and Campbell!

Leonard: So... Howard and Amy working together. That's interesting, huh?
Sheldon: Eh. It's all right, I suppose. Usually when Amy complains about her coworkers, I just tune her out, but now I'll be able to join in and pound away.

Penny: I can't believe Raj has a girlfriend.
[Sheldon rolls his dices]
Sheldon: Me neither.

Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed and breakfast in Napa valley.
Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence, including "in", "at", "we" and "a".

Sheldon: I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been expounding your whole life?
Mary: You're right, it does. And it is something I have been struggling with these days.
Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?
Mary: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly, and that man's booty is.
Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness so I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary: That is very Christian of you.

Amy: Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay? I'm upset, too.
Sheldon: I mean, I was so sure we were right. Every fiber of my being felt like this was it. This was the one. How can I trust my instincts anymore?
Amy: Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
Amy: Doesn't it? I've always thought I hated jazz. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
[he turns the stereo on; after a moment, he turns it off in impatience]
Sheldon: I'm trying! I'm really trying!

Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard: [Spiteful] No.

[last lines]
Sheldon: She's still not answering.
Leonard: My father's not texting me back.
Penny: [singsong] 'Cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really?
[bursts out laughing]
Penny: 'Cause I love it!

Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did you pick up on that!
Sheldon: A moment ago when you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.

Sheldon: Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch!

Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: [Incredulous, to Leonard] You lied to me?

Penny: You asked Stephen Hawking and not her father?
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking's a genius. If he said no, I wasn't gonna waste my time on her father.
Amy: But you did ask my father?
Sheldon: I did. He said yes. Although not in a robot voice, so it wasn't nearly as cool.
Penny: Okay. Oh, my god, I can't believe you guys are engaged.
Sheldon: We're not engaged yet. She's taking forever to answer.
Amy: [irked] Because you're on the phone!
Sheldon: We'll call you back.
[he hangs up; Leonard hangs up his end, as well; a second later, the phone rings]
Sheldon: She said yes.

Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son.
[hands Sheldon the phone]
Penny: Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: [sobbing] Mommy, I love you! Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Sheldon: Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Sheldon: It's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke. It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you're like one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys. This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes!
Sheldon: If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.
Penny: No, no, you don't; you really don't. I can't actually say don't enough

[last lines]
Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive manbat and then fought crime disguised as Manbat, would he be Manbatmanbatman or simply Manbatmanbatbatman?
Penny: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Manbat suit?
Sheldon: I'll be back.

Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I'm going to begin the erection of my settlements.
Raj: [sotto, to Wolowitz] He's got to be doing this on purpose.

Howard: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.

Sheldon: [On the plane, on his shoulder]
[Tap, tap, tap]
Sheldon: Howard?
[Tap, tap, tap]
Sheldon: Howard?
[Tap, tap, tap]
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: What now?
Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
Sheldon: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all the emails, the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
Howard: Well, it still doesn't.
Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

Sheldon: I understand you may have a bad impression of me; so, I bought you a gift.
Janine: Uh, Doctor Cooper, that's not necessary.
Sheldon: It's too late. Get ready to like me.
[Gives her gift]
Janine: Roots?
Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America; fun for the whole family.
Janine: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
Sheldon: Um... Well... You are black, right?
Janine: This meeting is come to an end.
Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that.
[Sheldon exits to the hallway]
Sheldon: Let's see. Up next on the tenure committee is... Professor Wu. Get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.

Sheldon: There's a cucumber in my water.
Amy: Uh huh.
Sheldon: Do they know it's there? Should I tell somebody?
Amy: It's there on purpose. It's refreshing.
Sheldon: [Takes a sip] Interesting. The world's most boring liquid and the world's most boring vegetable, but you put them together and... bleagh!

Penny: Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with.

Howard: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [seeing Howard naked on the couch] AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: [to Leonard] I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.

Sheldon: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yup.
[Penny rings the doorbell]
Sheldon: Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...
[the door opens]
Stan: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan: Oh damn.
Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.
Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we *were* invited.
Penny: Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.
Stan: You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
[walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny]
Penny: Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan: Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
[Penny runs away]

Sheldon: [on Madame Curie] She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

Bernadette: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard: Disagree.
Raj: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Leonard: I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then, don't.
Leonard: Other people would say "Why not?"
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard: I'm gonna talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.

Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
Dry: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon: If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.

Raj: [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard: I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard: It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
[Howard walks over to the elevator]
Howard: When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]
Howard: [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.

Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Penny: [scares the hell out of Sheldon after touching him in the back] Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Penny: Hey, I thought you were working on actual science.
Sheldon: I am. I'm trying to come up with a new approach to dark matter, but people keep distracting me. First, my mother kept answering the phone when I called, even though she knew I was busy. And now you show up with my favorite shape of food: a circle made of triangles served in a square box.

[Howard has announced his intention to propose to Bernadette, but Leonard and Sheldon heard that she was planning on breaking up with him]
Leonard: Poor guy. He's gonna be blindsided.
Raj: [grinning like an idiot] I know. It'll be awful!
Sheldon: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: [knowing Raj has a crush on Bernadette] Yeah, Raj, why?

Sheldon: I had a 101 fever. If that's not a time to verbally abuse my love ones, when is?

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Sheldon: Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score on Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two
[gestures toward Howard and Raj]
Sheldon: and they're having dinner with us.

Penny: I can't believe you were testing me against a chimp.
Sheldon: Well excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

Priya: Section 7 here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations is not specific as to what constitutes and emergency.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.
Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, nobody can see up there.

Sheldon: I wrote you a fan letter when I was a child in Texas, and you sent me this autographed picture. Do you remember that?
Professor: I'll give you a hint: I have a bracelet with my own address on it.

Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?

Leonard: You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there's the difference.

Mr. Rostenkowski: Do you remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.
Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.

Sheldon: Ten years ago upon first seeing me your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee Wee Herman. And he called me C-3-PeeWee Herman.

Amy: Hi Sheldon, what's new?
Sheldon: Our friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.
Amy: I said "what's new", but sure...

Bernadette: Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Bernadette: Oh, and Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Penny: Oh, that's okay.
Leonard: Hey. Tha... that's an Ewok, and it's mine.
Penny: Yeah, which is why it's okay.
Sheldon: See? He gets Ewoks in his bed.
Amy: You've got Chewbacca. That's enough.
Raj: I used to have the stuffed racoon from "Guardians of the Galaxy", but Cinammon licked it raw.
Howard: There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and... it's never and nowhere.

[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon: Last one
Raj: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!

Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard: At least he's off the train crap.
Sheldon: Whee!
Howard: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Rajesh: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard: You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: My money's on tuck and roll.

Sheldon: A party sub implies it's a party.
Leonard: Your attendance implies it's not.
Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

Sheldon: [Talking about Penny's proposed home-based business] If you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon: [patronizing] Penny - I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [with facial tic] I have a working knowledge of the _important_ things in the universe.

Sheldon: But, how am I going to get to work?
Leonard: Take the bus.
Sheldon: I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon: I didn't try. I succeeded. For some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

Sheldon: [indifferently after sex] Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Amy: [looking like she had the time of her life] Me, too.

Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that.

Sheldon: [on the phone] That's not right. It's so unreasonable. Yeah, well, if you're going to be like this, then I don't want to talk to you right now, either. Okay. I love you. Bye.
Amy: [he hangs up] Amazon customer support?
Sheldon: No, my mother. Guess who she's insisting we invite to our wedding.
Amy: Jesus?

[first lines]
Stephanie: I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fuuh! You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.
Stephanie: Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then it must be a tumor.

Sheldon: If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her.

Raj: Do you have an opinion about everything?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: You just assume you're always right?
Sheldon: It's not an assumption.

[first lines]
Leonard: OK, we're headed out. See you later.
Sheldon: I know. Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: [Sheldon puts on headphones] Go ahead.
Leonard: Hello, can you hear me?
[Sheldon doesn't react]
Leonard: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, well, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard: Ooh, and at one time when you were asleep Amy totally took off her-
[Sheldon takes off headphones]
Leonard: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon: Aaaaw. Now I'm sad I didn't hear it.

Penny: Anything else I should know?
Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out of that window. Please don't come to my funeral.

Howard: This contract looks good to me.
Sheldon: I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
Leonard: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.

Amy: Wash 'em again.
Sheldon: You're being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.
Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it's, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.
Sheldon: Biologists are mean.

Amy: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...
Sheldon: Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you, I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.

Sheldon: Hello. I am theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, auditioning for the role of Professor Proton. Now, excuse me while I get into character.
[he turns around, then back to face the camera]
Sheldon: Hello. I am Professor Proton. And today, boys and girls, we're going to have fun with science. Did you know you could calculate the mass of an electron using household items? It's true. All you'll need is a pencil, some paper, dry ice, rubbing alcohol, and a spool of 50 micron-thick cobalt-60 wire. And remember, don't put it in your mouth, or instead of becoming a scientist, you'll become wildly radioactive.
Amy: Hang on. I have a question. Do you have any experiments that aren't life-threatening?
Sheldon: Come on! That was a perfect take and you ruined it.
[he does his "enraged" expression]
Sheldon: Oh, look! Hey, I did need "enraged".

Stuart: Can I interest you in a cappuccino?
Sheldon: When did you start selling those?
Stuart: Someone left it here, but it's still warm.

[there's a knock at the apartment door]
Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I *could* if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that!
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Sheldon: Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Shelly. I'm so glad you're here.
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.
Mary: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mary: Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.

Sheldon: Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?
Howard: Color is fine.
Sheldon: That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.

Leonard: Okay fine, I'm, I'm a horrible human being. I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
Sheldon: You're far too short to be Darth Vader. At best, you might be a turncoat Ewok.

Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon: Clowder.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon: It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Comforting you?
Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.

Priya: Leonard, you're busy; let's talk tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait. Hang on; are you upset?
Priya: No, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.
Leonard: Good, good, I'll tell you what happened.
[Priya leaves]
Sheldon: [to Howard] People think *I* don't get sarcasm.

- Okay. Good night.
Sheldon: Nice to meet you, professor proton.
- Nice to meet you, professor proton.
- Nice to meet you, professor proton.
- Nice to meet you, profe...
Sheldon: [Slap] Ow!

Sheldon: Never meet your heroes, they always say. Never peek behind the curtain of fame, or you'll see them for what they really are: degenerate carnie folk.
Amy: He's a retired science kids show host.
Sheldon: That's even worse! Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Amy: How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.
Sheldon: All right.
[flips coin]
Amy: So, what is it?
Sheldon: A quarter.
[Tosses quarter away]
Amy: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.

President: Well, this is nice. Why have we waited so long to do this?
Sheldon: Because you never invited us.
President: Ha-ha-ha! Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work. This paper is going to do big things for all of us, so if there's anything that you need...
Sheldon: You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots. Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.
President: [to a passing waiter] Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?
Sheldon: Both?
[to Amy, impressed]
Sheldon: So this is how the other half lives.

Leonard: See?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Someone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny: Oh, that's handy. Here's a question... Why?
Boys: Because we can.

[first lines]
Raj: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard: Aaw.
Sheldon: Come on.
Raj: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
[laughs]
Amy: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

[sung lyrics to "If I Didn't Have You aka Bernadette's Song"]
Howard: [verse 1] If I didn't have you, life would be blue. I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS.
Sheldon: [spoken aside to Amy about Bernadette] Is it me, or does she not look so good?
Amy: [spoken aside back to Sheldon] Shhh!
Howard: [continuation of verse 1] A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick, I'd be one of my outfits without a dicky. I'd be cheese without the mac, Jobs without the Wozniak, I'd be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack. I'd be an atom without a bomb, a dot without the com, and I'd probably still live with my mom.
Sheldon: And he'd probably still live with his mom.
Howard: [chorus 1] Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes. You're like uranium-235, and I'm uranium-238; almost inseparable isotopes. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: [spoken] Oh, Howie!
Howard: [verse 2] If I didn't have you, life would be dreary. I'd be string theory without any string. I'd be binary code without a one, a cathode ray tube without an electron gun. I'd be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I'd speak a lot more Klingon, Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam.
Sheldon: And he'd definitely still live with his mom.
Howard: [chorus 2] Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You're my best friend and my lover. We're like changing electric and magnetic fields, you can't have one without the other. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Howard: Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get, from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

Sheldon: All right, why don't we see if we can bring this back to topic?
Howard: [turns to Bernadette] Let me ask you something, Bernie.
Sheldon: [resigned] I guess not.
Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was, like, Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette: Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic!
Howard: What? I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: I'd like to weigh in here: no.

Sheldon: It's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

Leonard: Have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.

Zack: Is that the laser? Bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.

Sheldon: There's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much. What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.

Sheldon: [to George] It is fitting that you got into tires, because you are tiresome.
Leonard: [standing to leave] Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: Was that too mean?
Leonard: No, not too mean. Not too good, either.

Sheldon: How long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mary: That is no way to speak to your mother.
Sheldon: Perhaps not. But is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me my whole life and then desecrated one of Ethan Allan's finest.
Mary: I will give you one opportunity young man to apologize to me.
Sheldon: Or what?
Mary: Or I will send you to your room.
Sheldon: That is ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and currently occupy the moral high ground
Mary: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mary: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I am a professional scientist.
Mary: Go to your room.
Sheldon: I'm a grown man.

Mrs. Fowler: I can't believe it. All this time, I've been angry at you when I should have been angry at Amy.
Sheldon: Look at that. We're both angry at Amy. Maybe that's something we could bond over. Let me ask you this: how do you feel about Howard?
Mrs. Fowler: Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut?
Sheldon: I may have married the wrong Fowler.

Sheldon: Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
Amy: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.

Penny: [last lines of the episode]
[returning home, Sheldon starts up the stairs]
Penny: Hang on.
[pressing the elevator call button]
Penny: What do you think? Want to give it a try?
[as the door opens, he looks in uncertainly, then glances at the stairwell]
Sheldon: Well, you know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So going up and down the stairs was a change, which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But conversely, I think...
Penny: [shoving him] Get in!
Sheldon: [the doors close] This is wild.

[first lines]
Sheldon: I'm glad to see you made it safely. How's your hotel?
Amy: [via computer] It's not the best Best Western I've been to, but let's say it's... the third best Best Western I've been to.
Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn't the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.
Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?
Sheldon: Hmm, that's a great question. I like when they're next to a Chipotle.
Amy: OK; well, I should unpack.
Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy: I will. I... wish you were here.
Sheldon: At a neurobiology confere- what a mean thing to say!
Amy: OK, I'm glad you're *not* here?
Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.
Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon
Sheldon: Bye.

Amy: You didn't invite your brother to your own wedding?
Sheldon: He tormented me my whole childhood. I don't think I should reward that type of behavior with a slice of wedding cake in the shape of the Millennium Falcon.
Amy: Try again.

Penny: Well, if it isn't Pasadena's favorite new power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon: [to Amy] And that is the answer to your question "what is wrong with going to the Cheesecake Factory?"

Janine: That's it. All of you, in my office, now!
Sheldon: Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.

Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Good buddy Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Good buddy Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Good buddy Leonard.

Sheldon: Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon: Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?
Raj: I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon: That's the one to beat! Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.
Sheldon: Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
Raj: Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
Sheldon: Stop selling it kid, you won.

Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.

Sheldon: [to Penny] Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?
Leonard: [raises hand] Oh, teacher, me! Me!

Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon: I know.

William: Hello.
Sheldon: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
William: You can call me Bill.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
William: No.
Sheldon: Please?
William: No.
Sheldon: [whispering] Please?
William: Sure.
Sheldon: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
William: This has got to stop.
Sheldon: I think you know how to make it stop.
William: [offering a handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Amy: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Leonard: It'll be fine, people have kids every day. You'll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You're right, it is. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn't happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate!
[to Sheldon]
Leonard: But not your worst idea.

Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10, 1876.
Howard: Good choice. Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr. Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. I want to see that too.
Leonard: So, when it;s your turn, you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab's going to get very crowded. He'll know something's up.

Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well, imagine how I'm feeling.
Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.

Leonard: Amy.
Amy: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No it's not.
Sheldon: Don't.
Leonard: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard: Hm.
Leonard: Bernadette.
Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette: You okay?
Howard: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard: Well, one of them is.
Howard: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Leonard: Hey, Bert. How you doing?
Bert: Well, you know, we geologists always get a little sad when Rocktober's over.
Sheldon: Wordplay?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Funny wordplay?
Leonard: What do you think?
Sheldon: [distastefully] Eh.
Leonard: Trust your gut.

Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.

Sheldon: I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

Penny: [after Sheldon explains how he came to the solution of the riddle] Wow. I can drink a beer under water.
Sheldon: And I'm sure your parents are proud.

Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.

Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Sheldon: And talked about physics with them!

Amy: I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon: We compromised. I lost.

[Talking to Amy]
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

Howard: Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.

Leonard: You're just a know-it-all.
Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all I am a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they're wrong.
Leonard: That's the definition of being a know-it-all.
Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.

Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

Sheldon: [at the hospital] Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home.
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard: No!
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.

Howard: So, Sheldon. How's it feel to be beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to re-absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

Amy: I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone.
Sheldon: They can't function without me. I'm the social glue that holds this little group together.

- Wait, what? What's he talking about?
- He obviously, he's kidding. [Chuckles]
[Stutters] That's a good one bill,
- I gotta go.
Sheldon: Stupid Leonard meeting stupid Bill Gates without stupid me.

Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?
Amy: It doesn't. I know it makes you feel like you're bathing inside a monster.

[first lines]
Bert: [in the background] Thank you very much. Thanks.
Leonard: That is unbelievable. Good for Bert.
Howard: Damn. The MacArthur Genius Grant.
Raj: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Sheldon: Everything is stupid and I want to go home.
Leonard: That's Sheldon's way of saying he's proud of Bert too.

Sheldon: Penny pointed out that what I am going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.
Howard: You're reading Cosmo?
Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there is an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue.

Sheldon: Now, let's tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it's safe to say that you're not in love with me, and I'm not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

Leonard: Will you stop with the Schrödinger stuff?
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle? In which I could either know where you are, or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don't understand, what difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: [to Penny] You just got off the list. Would you like back on it?

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Rajesh: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.
Sheldon: You mean like Spock?
Rajesh: [shrugs] Sure.
Sheldon: Fascinating.

Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

[last lines]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr, Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I'm Dr. Amy Farrah-Fowler.
Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags Retrospective we thought you might like to see how it all came together
Amy: So welcome to tonight's episode:
Sheldon: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags, a Retrospective Retrospective.
Sheldon: Oh, we already have our first call!
Amy: Oh. Hello, you're on Fun with Flags.
Bert: The jet-ski worked. I got her back.

Beverly: I will just pretend that Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.
Sheldon: Isn't she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.

[last lines]
Sheldon: D'you know what? I'm proud of us. Yeah, with Penny and Leonard taking in Raj and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we're the only couple of our social group who doesn't need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.
Amy: [flatly] Yup, we're killing it.
[Sheldon looks over at a life-size statue of Batman]

Sheldon: I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic.

Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville. Wonder-Blunder-Burg. And Kansas City, because it's a hub.

Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.

Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard: Well, now...
Sheldon: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard: Well.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys!
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
[Penny and Raj laugh]
Sheldon: All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.

Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.

Sheldon: Hello, Raj. Howard. Judas.
Leonard: You know what? You're a crazy person.
Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory and, if all goes according to plan, my own robot army. Or a mutant army. We'll see how my genetics research goes.

[after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]
Howard: You won't believe it.
Raj: Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Well, who would do that?
Howard: That would be me.

Leonard: I don't know what to say.
Penny: How about, "Gee Penny, you're smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I'm the one who learned a lesson. I'm so stupid, Penny. Duh."
Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.

Sheldon: Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it. Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won't change the past.
Leonard: But it'd make the present so much nicer.

- Beverly, wil wheaton,
- Adam west, for some reason.
- Batman finally came to your party.
- Happy birthday, sherman.
Sheldon: Thank you.
- This is all so thoughtful.

Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I just invented?
Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
Sheldon: Never mind.

Sandy: So, Mister Cooper, you're looking for a job.
Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.
Sandy: Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month.

[first lines]
[Sheldon is skipping through the store]
Amy: Never seen him this happy before.
Leonard: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.
Sheldon: Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.
Leonard: Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon: Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!
Leonard: Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon: I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard: [to Amy] He thinks there's a difference.

Penny: I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.
Penny: Come here.
[Penny whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right.
Penny: [seeing Sheldon's indignation] Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Amy: You know, now that we're living together, we should think about inviting people over.
Sheldon: We have people over all the time. Maintenance people, the pizza delivery guy, that UPS man who keeps asking how parts of me are hanging.

Sheldon: [Between the attention he's getting as a Nobel Prize winner, Amy's new look, and the elevator finally being fixed] This is a nightmare.
[Storms off down the stairs]
Penny: What's with him?
Leonard: He won a Nobel Prize, and his wife looks amazing.
Penny: Oh. Yeah, got it.

Amy: This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you're thinking, just keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.
Amy: And I'm sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.

Evil: Hey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!
Sheldon: Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the "Star Trek" universe.
Evil: [imitating Jar-Jar Binks] Mee-sa think that very funny!

Sheldon: Amy and I are living together in sin like a couple of New Yorkers.

Sheldon: I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mary: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon: Yours.

Penny: What's wrong with geology?
Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Leonard, when are you leaving to pick your mother up from the airport?
Leonard: Oh well, let's see. Her plane gets in at three, I figure half an hour to get her luggage, so... never.
Penny: Never? Isn't that when you usually go to the gym?

Sheldon: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!

Leonard: Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: So how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
Howard: What the hell, the last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
Leonard: Listen guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
Penny: Okay, so he's got money and it's a few gifts and a car.
Howard: And she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could have dated Raj for a couple months.

Sheldon: I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary: [lovingly] That is very Christian of you.

Sheldon: You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon: Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
Penny: There's some in the fridge.
Sheldon: You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.

Leonard: Do you remember his theme song?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Grab your goggles / Put your labcoat on / Here he comes / Professor Proton!

Sheldon: You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.

Howard: All right, here we go. L-minus ten, nine...
Sheldon: Wait, what are you doing? It's "T-minus".
Howard: I was an astronaut. We used "L-minus".
Sheldon: But this is a Saturn V, and when they launched those, they said "T-minus".
Howard: It's my rocket! We're doing it my way.
Sheldon: Fine. I'm not saying I know why your dad left, but I think I'm getting an idea.
Howard: L-minus ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
Sheldon: 'Cause you're kind of bossy.
Howard: ...five, four, three, two, one...
[rather than lifting off, the model blows up]
Sheldon: I remember them going up higher.

Leonard: In my family, holidays weren't so much celebrated, as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
Leonard: Hm, in a way. We presented papers. And then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house, they induced neighborhood-wide seizures.

Howard: Look at Leonard's record: 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which, she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname, "Speed of Light Leonard".
Howard: And a 3-hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been 2 and a half if they ordered the soufflé when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math, Y = 27 days over 12 to the Nth.

Sheldon: ...Penny would be the entrée, Leonard is basically a cheese course, and because I love you so much, you're dessert.
Amy: I wanna say "aww", but I"m gonna say "eww".

Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.
Amy: I can hear your face talking, so we're even.
[Beat]
Sheldon: All right! Either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races!
Amy: FIne! Fine! You want me to blow my nose? Here, I'll blow it!
[Blows nose really hard at Sheldon]
Amy: Better?
Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that's me. Never mind, it's fine.

Amy: He's getting better with dogs. Last week, he took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.
Sheldon: If real dogs gave out buttons, I'd like them too.

Penny: OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle, but I know what it's like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon: You mean your acting career.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college.
Penny: NO! I'm saying you and string theory sound like a relationship and I know what it's like to be in one and realize it's never going to turn out the way you want.
Sheldon: I said Leonard. You said no.
Penny: I'm talking about other guys.
Sheldon: OK. Well. What do you do?
Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.

Penny: Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.
Sheldon: With you?
Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

Sheldon: I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard: What's a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard: There's somebody working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
Leonard: Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

Sheldon: [wearing a French maid costume] What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?

Amy: Instead of throwing confetti, we'll release butterflies.
Sheldon: Airborne worms! Have you lost your mind?

Howard: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Statistically speaking...
Leonard: All right, all right. Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if you would, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: I'm a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurely measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
Leonard: You know what I mean. Could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?.. You mean, just go someplace else and be... someplace else?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why should I leave? This is my apartment, too.
Leonard: I know, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy, I'd be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon: Well, all right then.

Sheldon: I should probably tell you something about this gift.
Amy: You mean before you... give it to me?
Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I... give it to you?
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Why are we saying "give it to you" like that?

Sheldon: Please. All comments and questions should be flag-related.
Barry: All wight. Is my pole fwag-wewated?
Sheldon: I don't see why not.

Sheldon: Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Sheldon: How would you put it?
Leonard: [pause] Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."

Dr. Greg Pemberton: Well, that's the great thing about science. We all get to have our own opinions.
Sheldon: [awkward pause]
[to Amy]
Sheldon: I'm still not talking. That's impressive, right?

[first lines]
Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?
Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon: It is. It's right behind
[sings]
Sheldon: "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and
[sings]
Sheldon: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."
Sheldon: Turtle power!

Sheldon: If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Sheldon: The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender. Someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.
Sheldon: Oh.
[pasue]
Sheldon: What are you doing now?
Raj: Still making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.
Sheldon: Ah, I see.
[pause]
Sheldon: How about now?
Raj: Now I'm making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced and wishing you had a coloring book.

Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon: But you love that spot.
Howard: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.

Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing again.
Sheldon: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Sheldon: That's a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. But you eat it; you're married; it doesn't matter what you look like.
Penny: Don't take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.

Sheldon: You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
Professor: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up as uh a hobo... or a surgeon.
Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon: You- it's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Professor: Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard: It's important you know how much you mean to us.

Sheldon: Just put on your squeaky shoes and eee eee eee your way out of my life.

Sheldon: I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But, I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw.

Leonard: [watching football] What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?
Howard: All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.
Leonard: [searching the index of "Football for Dummies"] Sacks, sacks.
Sheldon: It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard: Huh.
[looking through his book again]
Leonard: Scrimmage...
Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.

Penny: Hey Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "pennygetyourownwifi", no spaces.

Sheldon: I don't know what color lonely is.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous, and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
Sheldon: All right. Come in. You positively orange with loneliness.
[Raj enters the apartment]
Sheldon: No, I don't see that catching on at all.

George Cooper Jr.: You went away to college after dad died. Who do you think took care of everything?
Sheldon: Mom did. Mom always took care of everything.
George Cooper Jr.: Mom was a mess. Missy was a dumb teenager. I had to look after both of 'em.
Sheldon: I talked to mom all the time. If she was upset, she would have told me.
George Cooper Jr.: She was protecting you, you idiot, just like everyone always does.
Sheldon: If things were bad, then why didn't you tell me?
George Cooper Jr.: Because I was protecting you, too.

Sheldon: I'm on my way out.
Leonard: Where?
Sheldon: Texas.
Amy: Right now? Why?
Leonard: Someone sick?
Sheldon: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.
Sheldon: I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Raj: You know who'd make a great Professor Proton? Meryl Streep.
Howard: She's not a scientist.
Raj: Uh, then explain to me why she has chemistry with literally everyone.
Amy: It would be nice if they cast a woman.
Sheldon: Oh, you've already got "Doctor Who" and the Ghostbusters. Leave us something.

Sheldon: Will you marry me?
[his phone rings]
Sheldon: One moment, please.
Amy: [incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?
Sheldon: It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Sheldon: [exiting change room] I'm going to need a larger shirt! This one's a little tight under the arms.
Jimmy: Okay.
[takes shirt]
Leonard: Do you think maybe it's tight because you're wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: Yes, of course that's why it's tight.
Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: You're kidding! Shouldn't the question be "Why *aren't* you?"
Leonard: No, it should be "Why are you?"
Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by *hundreds* of sweaty strangers. Yeah, I don't like my own sweat touching my skin; how do you think I feel about theirs?
Jimmy: Why don't you slip this on?
Sheldon: Said the hangman, offering a noose.
[returns to change room]
Raj: Well, that wasn't as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.

[first lines]
Leonard: Go!
[Raj takes a deep breath and holds it]
Howard: Come on, Raj.
Leonard: You can do this.
Sheldon: There's no way.
Penny: What is happening?
Leonard: This is an Euler's disc. It's a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy and kinetic energy.
Penny: Aw, look at you watching sports.
Howard: We're betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disc can spin.
Sheldon: Its weight and smoothness along with the slight concavity of the mirror mean it can spin for a long time.
Leonard: But Raj is from India which means he's no slouch at holding his breath.
Penny: OK, I want in. Ten bucks says I'll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.
Amy: [Amy enters] Hey, Sheldon, I found a great restaurant for date night.
Sheldon: Oh, eh, kinda busy right now.
Amy: Oh, an Euler's disc; fun.
Howard: Yeah, we're seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it.
Amy: Oh, immature.

Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I can see why victors love them.

Officer: Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...
Sheldon: Dr. Cooper!
Officer: Seriously?
Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.

Leonard: Didn't you hear me yell "hold the door"?
Sheldon: Yes, but you know what they say: hold the door, get robbed some more.
Leonard: No one says that.
Sheldon: Well, they should. It's true and it rhymes.

Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Sheldon: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.

[last lines]
Penny: So, were you turned on even a little bit?
Amy: It was like being hit on by Rat-pack Pee-wee Herman.
Leonard: Uh, sorry, is that a yes?
Amy: No!
Sheldon: [Sheldon enters] Amy, I didn't want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.
[he dances]
Amy: For God's sake, you're ridiculous!
[she storms out]
Sheldon: Well, you guys are aroused, right?
Amy: [ou in the hall Amy is breathless] That was a close one.

Sheldon: Did she let you play with her train set?
Tam Nguyen: In a manner of speaking.

Sheldon: I suppose we could find a whole new place. And technically we don't even have to stay in Pasadena. We could move to Altadena. Or a place that doesn't even end in 'dena'.

- These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.
Sheldon: You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.
- Yeah, I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet...
- And then showing up unannounced at her door.
- Making the extra effort. Good for you.

Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can't unload your psychological sewage on her?
Amy: That's me, your emotional outhouse.

Sheldon: Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.

Tam Nguyen: Sheldon, I needed to stay in Texas. And you needed to come here. I knew you were gonna do amazing things and meet amazing people who were gonna respect you, because you're brilliant. And because they never had to fish you out of a dumpster.
Sheldon: Well, they have, but it was during my short-lived parkour phase.

Sheldon: Not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
Leonard: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.

Sheldon: [about Penny and Leonard going to a cabin] You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak. Oh, and last but not least, teenagers with guitars.

Sheldon: Okay, listen. Dr. Woolcot is an important topologist, so we need to set a few ground rules so you don't embarrass me.
[to Howard]
Sheldon: No magic...
[to Leonard]
Sheldon: no whining...
[to Raj]
Sheldon: you - no, just no.
Raj: Hey!
Leonard: How come he gets to whine?

Dr. Harris: Dr. Cooper, we are so excited to meet you.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that's very kind of you. If you'd like, I could autograph your menus after dinner, yeah? But I'd better not see those on eBay.
Dr. Zhang: [he laughs] No, no, no. We're just excited to meet the man who landed this brilliant woman here.
Sheldon: Oh! That wasn't hard. She threw herself at me. Now, getting the universe to show me her naughty bits, that... that took some doing.

Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?

Sheldon: I'm really sorry, mom.
Mary: I forgive you. But just because you straightened things out with Dr. Sturgis doesn't mean you're going back to college.
Sheldon: Yes, it does.
Mary: No, it doesn't.
Sheldon: I hope you know you're jeopardizing our relationship.
Mary: I will take that risk.
[kissing him good night]
Mary: Good night.
Sheldon: You know I'll eventually wear you down.
Mary: We'll see. I'm pretty tough.
Sheldon: [narrating] I eventually wore her down. There's just so much of me anybody can take.

Amy: Okay, I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: Well, a little shorter, but as we age, that happens to all of us.
Amy: Come on, help me out here. I've got a bunch of interviews today.
Sheldon: Well, no one'll notice. They never met you before.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.
Sheldon: If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.
Amy: [taking an index card] "Whom do you love more, Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man? Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant." Well, you really managed to capture my voice.
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.
Amy: Thank you. Okay, bye.
Sheldon: [she stands to leave] Wait, wait, wait. You forgot the cards.
Amy: Love you, too.

Mary: That looks awful fancy. What is that?
Sheldon: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life form.
Sheldon: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?

Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why- why have we never been here before?
Leonard: Same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff: you.
Sheldon: That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.

Sheldon: [about Howard's robot arm] Impressive, but we must be cautious.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Today, it's a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.
Leonard: I don't think that's gonna happen, Sheldon.
Sheldon: No one ever does. That's why it happens.

Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks... Bazinga.

Sheldon: You know, historically, I don't do well with change.
Penny: Okay, it won't be that bad. We wouldn't even sit in your spot while you're gone.
Sheldon: You're darn right, you wouldn't. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.

Sheldon: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard: How do you know?
Raj: Who was there?
Amy: Why are you damp?
Sheldon: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
Sheldon: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
Raj: I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: [hurrying over to a white board] Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
Penny: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is "Ernest Goes to Jail" the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.

Sheldon: Any leads on who stole my things, Officer Hernandez?
Officer: Not yet.
Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the possible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth. Have you tried that?
Officer: No.
Sheldon: There are hundreds of books titled Sherlock Holmes. There are no books titled Officer Hernandez.

Sheldon: If complaining were an Olympic sport, I would complain about what a stupid sport it is and bring home the gold.

Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.

Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.

Sheldon: Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.
Janine: And who would that be?
Sheldon: You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.

Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy has been Tetris and mail-order brides.

Sheldon: Howard, I want you to know I forgive you.
Howard: Thanks, I'll take it.
Leonard: Do you even know what he's forgiving you for?
Howard: Don't know, don't care. Happy Yom Kippur to me.

Sheldon: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Um, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um... shut up.

Leonard: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner!
Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler
Leonard: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!
Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?

[last lines]
Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?
Amy: Interesting. And when would you use the singular?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose.
[she rubs her nose]
Sheldon: No no no no. Other side.
[she rubs the other side]
Sheldon: There you go.

Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.
Sheldon: [On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy] And I love you, too!

Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy: What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"
Sheldon: I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon: Shotgun!

Leonard: Look, t-this might seem strange, but, uh, we thought it might help you get some closure if you had a chance to properly say goodbye to your paper.
Penny: Yeah, you know, we could say a few words, you could talk about what it meant to you, and-and we could bury it somewhere.
Amy: You mean have a funeral for our theory?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous.
Leonard: I thought so, too, but my mom thought it might work.
Sheldon: [perking up] Beverly thought it would help? We should try it.
Leonard: Wha... how come when you thought it was my idea...
Sheldon: Leonard, please, this is not about you.

Sheldon: President Siebert, I don't get why you're so upset. You're the one who forced me to go on the radio. I was expecting a scientific discussion, not an attack by some Morning Zoo shock jock. Well, if you wanted to raise money for the university, you should consider a swear jar. Wow, that's a dollar right there!

Sheldon: [addressing a class of graduate students] I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

Amy: Oh, look. It's Bert at the bar. We should say hi.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Because that's what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.
Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.
Amy: Sheldon, there's a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity to the bathroom.
Sheldon: The judge couldn't explain it to me, I don't see how you will.

[Leonard and Howard have invited Penny, Amy, and Bernadette to join them in "Dungeons & Dragons"]
Sheldon: I've just never played "Dungeons & Dragons" with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don't worry, sweetie, no-one has.

Sheldon: Would you like a chocolate?
Penny: Um, yeah, sure. Thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of "nice".
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don't.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, now, that's you. Obnoxious and insufferable.

- Check.
- And flash-frozen brown rice, not white?
- Uh, oh. Sorry.
- Not to worry.
- Buzzinga.
- You're in my spot.
- There's no time for a crossbow, find me an icicle.
Sheldon: Three months. This is gonna be great.

Leonard: [In the morning Sheldon walks in with a GEOLOGY book] How you feeling?
Sheldon: Not so good.
Leonard: Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon: It's not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard: I don't know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon: Oh dear lord. Where's Amy?
Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.

Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don't look up, there's cameras.

Mary: I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon: There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

Sheldon: Amy, you said something about my bow tie that I can't stop thinking about.
Amy: Don't you mean...
[trying to sound like a Texan]
Amy: "Y'all said something 'bout my bow tie." Go on, say it.
[urging him]
Amy: No. Say it.

Young: Sheldon, never forget, no matter how bad things seem, you al...
Sheldon: [seeing the video has been taped over] What? What... No. N... my dad taped over it with one of his stupid high school football games.
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: You know, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Amy: Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. You can build me a time machine so I can go back and tell my younger self to give up, because nothing's gonna work out the way he wants.
[he storms off to the bedroom and shuts the door]
Amy: [quietly] I was thinking a nice cup of leaf soup.

[last lines]
Sheldon: I should have asked for *much* more than a comic book and a robot.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!

Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

Barry: ...there actuawwy was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you'll bewieve
[laughing]
Barry: anything.
Sheldon: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Barry: Incowwect; I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I'm going to pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads.

Sheldon: We can't sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favorite scenes form the movies.
Howard: It's sad how great that sounds.

Amy: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey, I was just talking about you.
Amy: Oh, should I ask?
Leonard: You should not.

George Cooper Jr.: I see you haven't changed one bit.
Sheldon: Thank you. That is a nice thing to say.
Leonard: [offering a handshake] Hey, I'm Leonard. I'm here for-for no reason.

[first lines]
Amy: [on computer breaking up] I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You're breaking up
Amy: I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon: Ah. I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.
Amy: [reading] Deah, Aby, could you plethe dwive be to the twain stowe sub time tobowwow.
Sheldon: So, is that a yes?
Amy: Sheldon, why don't you get a new computer? You know that one's out of date.
Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.
Amy: The video is failing and the sound is cutting out.
Sheldon: D'you- I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Amy: The video is failing and the s... is cutting out.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, one more time; the sound is cutting out.
[Amy writes "Video failing & sound cutting out" on a sheet of paper and holds it up to the camera]
Sheldon: I can't read that! The video is failing,
Amy: Get a n... co... ter.
Sheldon: What?
Amy: Get a new c... ter.
Sheldon: What?
[his cell phone rings and he answers it]
Sheldon: Hello
Amy: [on phone, yells] Get a new computer!

Leonard: I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon: Don't listen to him. He's still light-headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
Raj: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon: [throwing it out there like it's no big deal] I believe they engaged in coitus.

Sheldon: The game is not called Words with Strangers. No. It is not even called Words with Acquaintances. It's called Words with...
Raj: I'm not finishing your sentence! You pulled the plug on my funk!

Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard: You all right?
Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.

Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you're being a little rude.
Amy: [furious] I'm being rude? You've been rude to me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I've hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

Sheldon: No fuss, no muss, not a single cuss.

Leonard: Are we playing individuals or teams?
Raj: Teams are fun.
Sheldon: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard: We don't really do that.
Raj: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?

Amy: [Sheldon spanks Amy] Oh my.
[giggles]
Sheldon: Excuse me. You're not supposed to be enjoying this.
Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.
Sheldon: Maybe I will.
[spanks her again]
Amy: Woo hoo!

Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon: And that's how it's done.

Sheldon: [a joke only physicists get] Feynman, Einstein and Schrödinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, "It appears we're inside a joke." Einstein replies, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously." To which Schrödinger says, "If someone is looking in the window, I'm leaving."

Leonard: You know what, if you need a computer, you can use my laptop.
Penny: Oh, that's sweet, but I'm not gonna take your computer.
Leonard: Oh, it's fine. I-I'm getting a new one anyway.
Penny: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Don't be silly. He's desperate to hold on to you. You can get anything out of him.
Howard: His car, his watch... Maybe a kidney. You already have his testicles. You can start a collection.

Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttlecraft, headed to the planet I rule, known as Sheldon Alpha 5.
Leonard: I want that too.

Sheldon: Vocal test, morning vocal test.
[Clears throat]
Sheldon: Second vocal test, second morning vocal test.

[about Leonard dating Penny]
Leonard: Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste!

Raj: How did you find that?
Sheldon: It wasn't difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers they appear red but when they're twin primes they're pink and smell like gasoline?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Huh, I guess I'm a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.

Alex: [meeting Penny] She seems nice.
Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We're working.

Sheldon: [Narrating over his brother's attempt to drive Meemaw's Cadillac to the hospital] I've often been asked why I never learned to drive a car. This night is your answer.

Sheldon: I didn't believe in God, but I sure liked acting like one.

Raj: You want me to work with you.
Sheldon: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Raj: Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: *For* me.

Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard: Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.

Sheldon: Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
Mary: Are you ashamed of me?
Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Mary: Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.

[first lines]
Howard: OK, I gotta ask: why are you wearing a bow tie?
Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before; I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard: The impression that your first name is Pee-wee?
[Leonard laughs]
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn.
Tim: Come on in, fellows.
Howard: See, he's not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Oh, he's a patent attorney; maybe his tie is pending.

Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?
Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.

[last lines]
[Sheldon and Bert are at a taping of the Ellen DeGeneres Show]
Ellen: A new study came out and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that's true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot and they're dumb.
Sheldon: [to Bert] Do people know about her? 'Cause she's delightful.

Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon: Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.

Sheldon: Well, what I meant was... I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood. It's incredibly stressful.
Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not. And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.
Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon: [referring to Penny's glass of wine] Are you sure it's not too much Bible juice?
Penny: ...And the wave is gone.

Sheldon: Did I cross a line?
Rajesh: Of course. You...
Howard: No, let him figure it out by himself.

Sheldon: Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard: I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?
Sheldon: No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

Raj: You suck, Wolowitz!
Howard: What the hell was that?
Raj: I'm heckling you. It's a beloved baseball tradition.
Sheldon: He's right. And considering you're still waiting to be called for a game you played in fifth grade, you probably do suck.

Leonard: So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?
Sheldon: Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.
Leonard: We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?
Sheldon: You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.

Penny: How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms
[Penny's hair product]
Penny: in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Sheldon: That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard: They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!

Sheldon: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon: I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says "Ack!" and eats ice cream.
Penny: Uuum... Ack!
Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.

Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard: [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard: [sitting down submissively] Okay.

Sheldon: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
Leonard: That doesn't make it true.
Sheldon: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.

Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.

Penny: How was Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, you know, the Lone Star State. That should be its Yelp rating.

Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.
Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.
Raj: Oh, very clever. But still racist.
Sheldon: Duly noted, "Steve from Wichita".

Sheldon: I'm not annoyed she's a woman. I'm annoyed, and she's a woman.
Amy: I get that. I'm annoyed and I'm a woman.

Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I'm bound by closet organizer-organizee confidentiality.
Amy: Sheldon, that's not a real thing.
Sheldon: Neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend's hand at the movies. But that doesn't stop you from pawing at me like you're a bear and I'm a trash can full of sweets.

Sheldon: Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh Leonard, lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can't until you admit the problem.

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.
Penny: Your arch-enemy?
Sheldon: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it!
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

Leonard: You can trust us, we're respected scientists.
Sheldon: Well, he is. I'm a wedding planner who can't find love himself.

Sheldon: Wine again? No, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way: in a juice box.

Penny: I'm comfortable around you too.
Sheldon: Of course you are. I'm warm and soothing. I'm like a human bowl of tomato soup.

Penny: [Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe] Son of a bitch! Bernadette isn't working late!
Sheldon: And Amy doesn't look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon: I don't know.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?

Sheldon: [Trying to steer away from Bernadette and Howard's bickering] Um, Dr. Koothrappali, would you like to weigh in on the matter?
Raj: [Holding his drink] Why certainly. I'd like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass!
Leonard: [Coldly to him] I'd like to kick your little brown ass.
Raj: What did I do?
Leonard: [Sarcastically] Oh, I don't know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and see a guy getting back with his girlfriend, you should maybe do something other than crawl into the other bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
Penny: [From the audience] We weren't getting back together. It was a one-off fling.
Sheldon: Um, we're not yet taking questions from the audience.
Penny: Oh, *shut up*, Sheldon!

Sheldon: No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.

Howard: It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.
Sheldon: It was.
Howard: It must have killed you when I went to space.

Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.

Sheldon: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse so, di, I'd love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.

Leonard: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: [to himself] Where's 70 children when you need them?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honors.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.

Leonard: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon: [Squirts him] Bad Leonard.

Sheldon: Hide me.
Penny: Hide you?
Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.

Sheldon: It's from Saul Perlmutter. He sent me a picture.
Amy: Oh, let me see.
Sheldon: Oh, he arranged the cookies to spell out "Thank you".
Amy: Sheldon, that word isn't "thank".

Leonard: [Howard is nervous about having a son] It's okay. We're all here to help.
Sheldon: Yes. And this baby will have plenty of manly role models. You know, I'm certain that whatever Bernadette can't teach him, Penny can.
Leonard: Uh, she can pee into a bottle.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything with a neck wider than a nickel.

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.
Arthur: I am. It's fantastic. I mean this is the longest I've gone without running into a men's room in years.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Arthur: I don't know. I was hoping of going to haunt my ex-wife.
Sheldon: I know why. You've come to me because you're my Obi Wan.
Arthur: I'm not... I'm not familiar with that Is that an internet?
Sheldon: Wow. You're dead so I'm gonna let that slide. Obi Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Arthur: Well, that clears that up.
Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.
Arthur: [Appears in Obi Wan Kenobi Jedi robes] Well this... this is weird. Most of my robes open in the back.
Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.
Arthur: Oh wait... what? What... what is this?
[Activate light saber]
Sheldon: Oh, be careful with that.
Arthur: Whoa. Whoa. Oh, neato.
[Waves light saber around]
Arthur: I'm uh. I'm going to need a band-aid.

Penny: You are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon: Of course. But not by myself.
Penny: Really? Never?
Sheldon: Well, once, when I was fifteen and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.

Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh
Sheldon: [shown playing video game] Yes.
Leonard: How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around.
Sheldon: I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.

Leonard: I'm surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we're athletes now.

Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.
Howard: Then what's with the disinfectant?
Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.

Sheldon: I even changed my Facebook status to: "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone." I don't know what else to do.

Leonard: Interesting. You accuse us of making you do things you don't like, but here you are doing the same thing to poor Amy.
Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.
Leonard: I was.
Sheldon: Then you should have made it clearer. Maybe throw in a "How do you like them apples, Missy?"

Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?
Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.
Amy: That's not an apology.
Sheldon: That is your opinion.
Amy: I want a real apology.
Sheldon: I'm sorry that you weren't able to...
Sheldon: No.
Sheldon: that my genius...
Amy: No.
Sheldon: that the soap was...
Amy: Sheldon!

Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon: When we got the security camera!
Leonard: There's a security camera?
Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny: Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
Sheldon: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

Sheldon: Perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny: I did. He said he'll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No. I'm frustrated because I'm a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly.

Leonard: What do you think you're doing?
Sheldon: Since my room is paid up until the end of the month, I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.
Theodore: It' s like the forties again.
Sheldon: Anyway, I'll let you be. Oh, he's expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they're still making them.
Penny: Sheldon, this is way over the line.
Sheldon: It's true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn't be a man in your kitchen who can't produce a single form of ID.
Theodore: Oh, I have a receipt from the blood bank. I'm O-negative.
Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.

Howard: C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
[picks up basket]
Howard: You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
Sheldon: Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
Raj: Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.

George Cooper Jr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hello, Georgie.
George Cooper Jr.: It's just George now.
Sheldon: Fine, George. No, I don't like it. Georgie.

Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard: Merry Newtonmas, everyone!
Sheldon: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.

[Sheldon joins Amy and Stuart on their date]
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Though repellent's kind of a, kind of a strong word.

Sheldon: [sneaking up to a house] I don't understand what we're doing.
James: Shhhh!
Sheldon: Whose house is this?
James: Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.
[he rings the doorbell, and they run for it]
Carrie: [storms out with a baseball bat] It's not funny anymore, James!
James: Then why am I laughing?

[last lines]
Sheldon: Give us the precious.
Leonard: Never!
Sheldon: [they fight] Give it to me!
Leonard: Get off of me!
Sheldon: Give me the ring!
Sheldon: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!

Amy: Now hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written request seventy-two hours in advance. Checked the tire pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centers for Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.
Sheldon: Amy, the Relationship Agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

Penny: Do you know he is the entire tenants' association?
Amy: No, but I'm not surprised. He's also the pope of a planet he invented in hyperspace.
[to Sheldon]
Amy: Why didn't you tell me?
Sheldon: 'Cause I wanted to make sure that you loved the man, not the office.
Leonard: You can't just declare yourself president.
Sheldon: I didn't. I called a meeting, I was the only one to attend. I nominated myself, and after a pretty moving speech, I voted myself in.

Sheldon: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I bet you do.

Sheldon: Oh, one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist, who's as smart as me, as tall as me, and has hair like Thor, well then, I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.

Sheldon: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Rajesh: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.

Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
[Cut to International Space Station]
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting through the phone] Howard! Can you hear me?
Howard: I can hear you without the phone!

Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?
Amy: I think I'm gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.
Sheldon: Two teabags in one cup? You're not at a rave.

Sheldon: I'm sorry. I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
Raj: You don't have to make me anything.
Sheldon: No, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?
Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Sheldon: Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.

Sheldon: Which ski hat says "après super collider"?

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
[explosion]
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
[explosion]
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
[minutes later]
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
[laughs]
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
[laughs]
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
[walks away]
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.
[explosion]
Penny: [laughs] Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.

Sheldon: What if you're allergic to latex gloves?
Leonard: I'm not allergic to latex.
Sheldon: Well, what about epilepsy?
Leonard: I don't have epilepsy.
Sheldon: You don't, but the doctor might. One shaky scalpel and your carotid artery becomes a dancing fountain at Disneyland.

Sheldon: Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.

Sheldon: I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: What? I didn't sign it yet.

Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio. What does it look like I'm doing?
Amy: Is that asparagus? I thought you hate asparagus.
Sheldon: I thought so, too, but I also thought super-asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
Amy: Oh, so now you're re-evaluating every opinion you've ever had?
Sheldon: Yes. I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes. He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.
[taking a bite of asparagus and spitting it out]
Sheldon: Ugh! Still yucky, still yucky.

Howard: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon: Very funny. Get it all out.
Leonard: Like you did on William Shatner?
Sheldon: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.

Sheldon: I'm on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.

Rajesh: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Leonard: [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
Leonard: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
Leonard: Don't you dare, missy!

Sheldon: Amy's sick.
Leonard: Aw, what's wrong with her?
Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"
Leonard: What ails her?
Sheldon: Oh, who knows.

Amy: Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?
Amy: That's what you're thinking about?
Sheldon: Well, one of the things.
Amy: Are any of them me?
Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy. Anyway.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: You're right, you did kind of kill the mood.
Amy: I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Amy: Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy: [sarcastically] Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon: Whenever you're ready.

Amy: I don't have any secrets from you, do you have any secrets from me?
Sheldon: Yes, that's been weighing on me for years, come here
[he hugs her]

Penny: Maybe I can do it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? You think you can evaluate my work?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Here. I wrote this when I was five.
Penny: "A Proof That Algebraic Topology Can Never Have a Non-Self Contradictory Set of Abelian Groups." I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?
Sheldon: You said it, not me.

Sheldon: Penny, this flyer came in the mail and is addressed to "occupant". I'm not sure if it's for you or me.
Penny: What's it for?
Sheldon: Uh, roof cleaning.
Penny: It's yours.

Sheldon: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard: [chanting] One of us! One of us!

Howard: Are you having a second date?
Leonard: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Sheldon: "One for good luck." Must be the math they do at Princeton.

Sheldon: Hello, mother.
Mary: Hi there, Shelly. You will never believe who I ran into at the barbecue festival.
Sheldon: I am right in the middle of some very important work. I don't have time for this right now.
Mary: Then why did you answer the phone?
Sheldon: Because you raised me to be polite. Now stop bothering me!

Howard: As long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food.
Sheldon: Well excuse me, that was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food start tasting "mothy".
Leonard: You put moths in my food?
Sheldon: For science.
Raj: I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.

Sheldon: I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.
Wolowitz: No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.

Sheldon: Then it's settled. My birthday gift to Amy will be my genitals.

Leonard: Some people name their kids after places.
Howard: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
Sheldon: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.

Wil: Hey, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It's from my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil: No.
Sheldon: I'm not surprised.

President: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Ah, President Siebert.
President: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar.
[to the others]
President: No offense, worker bees.
[to Sheldon again]
President: You should join me in my private dining room. Dr. Fowler is already there.
Sheldon: Can I bring my friends?
President: No.
Sheldon: Can I bring my tater tots?
President: Yes.
Sheldon: All right, let's go.

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Can I ask you a question about your roommate?
Sheldon: He's an odd duck, isn't he?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's his relationship status?
Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones.

[first lines]
Penny: OK, I'm confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?
Leonard: I'll give you a hint. We're watching Daredevil.
[Sheldon storms in, followed by Amy]
Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule!
Penny: Can't.
Leonard: Won't.
Penny: Didn't.
Leonard: Don't.
Amy: I told you you can't regulate every aspect of our lives.
Sheldon: I *can* if you'd just roll over and accept your fate.
Amy: I'm sorry for bringing this over here.
Penny: And believe me we know what you're going through.
Leonard: And I, I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way, and I am willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
Penny: She's right; that's reasonable.
Sheldon: Ohhh, look who's in favor of compromise: the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Heyyy, she didn't compromise; she settled. There's a difference.
Penny: Yeah, you tell 'em, babe.

Amy: I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Sheldon: Oh, it's okay. I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard: We like games.
Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.
Officer: [writing] Assorted video games.

Sheldon: Godzilla clause?
Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.
Sheldon: Rats!

Stuart: So, Howard's really in space, huh?
Leonard: Mm hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.
Raj: Right now, Howard's staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon: I must admit I can't help but feel a tinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. Like a cat in an airport carrying case.

Amy: Let's say it together.
Amy: We're getting a turtle!
Penny: See, this is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Leonard: You know, I was curious to find out what Tam had done wrong. Why am I not surprised the answer is nothing?
Sheldon: So you're taking his side. You scurvy dog. You watch yourself; there is room on my enemies list now that the cafeteria ladies finally told me what's in the chili. By the way, don't eat the chili. Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Do.
Leonard: [turning to leave] Be careful, Sheldon. I don't think you can afford to lose a second best friend. I don't see anyone lining up to be your third.
Sheldon: D... wait.
[typing on his laptop]
Sheldon: "Snarky comebacks..." Oh, here we go. "You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?"
[rolling his eyes, Leonard leaves]
Sheldon: That was harsh, but he was asking for it.

Sheldon: [about being on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Leonard: Come on, we need a 4-person team. We're 4 people.
Sheldon: By that reasoning, we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah, and enter the olympic bobsled competition.

Sheldon: You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems, such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually-transmitted diseases.
Rajesh: Is it me, or was that Sheldon's way of saying "Vegas, baby!"?

[first lines]
Howard: All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or
Howard: Monte.
[pronounced monty]
Howard: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred-and-ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four-point-eight seconds.

Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

[first lines]
Leonard: What's going on with that woman you're dating?
Raj: I broke up with her.
Leonard: Why?
Raj: She said she didn't want to see me any more, and I found that insulting.
Howard: .I thought things were going well; what happened?
Raj: I don't know. She didn't even give me a reason
Sheldon: That's not a problem; we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?
Raj: Can we not play this game?
Sheldon: Doesn't like games: that's one.

Sheldon: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
[Howard points to his nose]
Sheldon: Good. Now I can eat.

Penny: You don't even like people touching you. How are you gonna have sex?
Sheldon: Why on earth would we have sex?
Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?
Sheldon: I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

Leonard: Have you considered studying standard model physics?
Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that's less advanced? You know, why don't you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?
Penny: Like you could get a brown bear.
Leonard: Hey, I've got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don't know.

Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.
Leonard: You're just sweaty from exercise.
Sheldon: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the center of me.
Leonard: I know it only takes one doctor's finger.

Wolowitz: What's his problem?
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.

Sheldon: Let's say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, yeah - is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it's not a West Coast party, 'cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don't stop.
Amy: I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That's called teamwork.

Leslie: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
Leslie: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
Rajesh: What was all that about?
Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
Sheldon: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard: [sarcastically] Thank you.
Sheldon: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
[pause]
Sheldon: Now I'm done.
Rajesh: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard: What about it, Howard?
Howard: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
Leonard: I don't care about that.
Howard: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
Leonard: You and Leslie?
Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
Howard: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
[pause]
Howard: I mean for free.

Amy: I know we only have sex on my birthday, but I don't think I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Well, you should. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.

Penny: Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.

Leonard: [sitting on the department store while the girls shop] This isn't so bad.
Sheldon: Easy for you to say. You' chair isn't facing the lingerie section. Boy that's a lot of panties!

Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.

Sheldon: That doesn't mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

Sheldon: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!
Leonard: D'you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon: The telephone...!
[pauses]
Sheldon: Y'know... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.

Sheldon: Care for a brandy?
Amy: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Good choice, it's disgusting.

Sheldon: [Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies] Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.

Sheldon: I have excellent peripheral vision... On a good day I can see my ears.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard: Five.
Sheldon: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard: E.
Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj: Gamma.
Sheldon: I said funny.
Raj: Upsilon?
Sheldon: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard: Positive.
Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Get this.
[reads]
Sheldon: Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of
[laughs]
Sheldon: E to the upsilon as in a
[breaks up laughing]
Sheldon: Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-
[breaks up laughing again]

Sheldon: I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We're socializing. Meeting new people...
Sheldon: Telepathically?

Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.
Sheldon: Ohhh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I'm great at surprises.
Amy: Well, that's not a surprise at all. I mean if I knew you were good at surprises I would have expected the surprise and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is I didn't know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.
Sheldon: Don't get me all randy; guests are on the way.

Amy: [after Howard's outburst of anger at Sheldon] Use me a human shield?
Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.

Leonard: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard: You *are* guilty.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]
Howard: That one I liked.

Amy: Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.
Amy: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon: I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

[last lines]
Penny: [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.
Leonard: What is going on?
Penny: [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
[embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]
Sheldon: What does it look like?

Sheldon: So, like an operating system, I'm restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.

Sheldon: I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!
Leonard: I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!
Sheldon: What are you talking about?

Sheldon: bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay!
Wil: Did that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon: [getting tongue-tied] Leonard. That's Mark Ha-Ha-Ha... It's-it's Mark Hami-Ha-Ha...
Leonard: Yep. Thank Wolowitz. He set it up.

Sheldon: When I moved to California, what did you do?
Tam Nguyen: I stayed in Texas.
Sheldon: [to the others] Do you believe this guy?
Howard: [Sheldon storms off] So, he was your best friend growing up?
Tam Nguyen: Yes.
Howard: Were there no other kids in Texas?

Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

Stuart: [negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword] 225. That's my final offer.
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Take it, take it, take it!
Leonard: 200.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can't breathe!

Sheldon: [to a man sitting next to him on a bench] Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.
[It starts to rain]
Sheldon: Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.
[Man takes out umbrella and opens it]
Sheldon: Smartypants.

Sheldon: It's an exciting time in the field.
Bernadette: Why, what's happening?
Sheldon: I just entered it.

Sheldon: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: We were just calling to see if you'd heard yet.
Sheldon: We haven't.
Amy: But thank you for getting up so early to call. That was very thoughtful.
Bernadette: Oh, please. We have two little kids. We've been up for an hour.
Howard: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
Leonard: [disappointed] No.

Sheldon: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard... This is obviously about Penny
Leonard: It doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me. The woman rejected me.
Sheldon: Okay, look. Ahem. I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard: You're right. I didn't ask her out. I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No, no, no. That was not my point. My point was, don't buy a cat.

Sheldon: Can't sleep?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn't say yes.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: That's a good question.
Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Why don't you ask her?
Leonard: Because I'm afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon: Well... I'm sorry.
Leonard: That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
Sheldon: No. You're my friend and... I'm sorry.

Leonard: I thought your father paid all your credit cards.
Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.
Sheldon: What kind of emergency happened at the LA Zoo?
Raj: That's a penguin I sponsor. They're losing their homes to global warming and my car gets like seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.

Raj: You suck, Wolowitz!
Sheldon: He makes a valid point!

Sheldon: And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.

Sheldon: I thought you were waiting in the car.
Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up.

[to get away from Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, and Howard are getting ready to go to Howard's house]
Sheldon: Wait, let me get my jacket.
Howard: You're not going with us.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: You're the guy we're trying to get away from.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, in that case, I don't need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is "I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away."

Sheldon: Where's my lemonade?
Penny: I didn't get it.
Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress; to forget my order one last time.

Sheldon: What was that?
Rajesh: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?

Amy: Well, that was a nice speech. Too bad it didn't work.
Sheldon: Maybe it did.
Amy: What do you mean?
Sheldon: I've been acting like the game is over, but it's only halftime. And there's a lot more physics left to play.
Amy: Wow. Was that your first-ever sports metaphor?
Sheldon: It was! And I think it was a home run. That's two.

Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement, section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should have gotten a lawyer.

Penny: Really? On top of everything, you're scared of birds?
Sheldon: It's called Ornithophobia, one day it will be recognized as a true disability and the landlord will be required by law to throw a giant net over the building which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets

Penny: [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?
Leonard: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard: Aye, aye, captain.

[last lines]
Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
Sheldon: I did .Uh, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the trains store; it said everyone was sad.
Bernadette: I finally got Halley to sleep.
Penny: You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
Amy: It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Penny: Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
Leonard: Can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.
Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?
Bernadette: Let's .see. You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.
Sheldon: [to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies; she's good.

Sheldon: Cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention, or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now's the time.
Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?
Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone; I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.
Leonard: I was afraid he was going to eat me.

Penny: You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is if I was there I... would have tortured you too.
Sheldon: Based on this pep talk I'd say you're still doing it.
Penny: My point is... there is a time I never would have been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people, so... if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.
Sheldon: But everyone will think I'm weird.
Penny: Sweetie, you *are* weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.

Sheldon: I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.
Amy: I'm surprised of how positive you are.
Sheldon: You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...
Amy: And?
Sheldon: It hardly matters now, does it?
Amy: I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
[Leaves]
Sheldon: [after closing the door] And a complete sucker!

Penny: This is about science. Why'd you come to me?
Sheldon: Well, because it's also about my reputation. And somehow, you managed to hold your head high despite your checkered past.
Penny: Checkered past?
Sheldon: It's a figure of speech referring to how sexually promiscuous you were.
Penny: Really? Well, I've got a figure of speech about how sexually promiscuous you can go be with yourself.
Sheldon: And what is it?

Raj: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette: Should we just do couples?
Leonard: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these
[fortune cookies]
Penny: .
Sheldon: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.

Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.

Leonard: Did you complain to the tenants' association about the food truck?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: And they actually took you seriously?
Sheldon: Oh, the tenants' association takes every complaint seriously.
Penny: [on her phone] Oh, great, because I'm about to send them an e-mail complaining about you.
Sheldon: [his phone chimes] Excuse me.
[reading the message]
Sheldon: Wow. Someone should have spell-checked.
Penny: What is going on here?
Leonard: You're the tenants' association?
Sheldon: [amused] You should see the look on your face. You might want to tell your wife that there's no "Y" in "pastrami".

Sheldon: [game character walks into saloon] I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard: You know... Digital alcohol is never a solution.

Sheldon: He wears glasses, I'm a know-it-all. We're not built for prison.

Kripke: I'm Barry Kwipke and I'm here because you told me there was gonna be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?
Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle... the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon: In general, yes.

Sheldon: Good night, puny human!

Raj: Maybe you don't want someone exactly like you. You know what they say: opposites attract.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy. Not to cast aspersions, but I can't shake a stick around here without hitting that.

Howard: Where you going?
Leonard: Comic book store.
Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Rajesh: Me too.
Howard: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard: I got your back, sister.

Sheldon: [speaking in high-pitched voice after breathing helium] Kripke, I've found the nozzle. I'm going to kill you!

Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

Amy: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put on my pants both legs at a time.
Amy: One day, that's gonna end very badly.
[leaving the apartment building, they're besieged by reporters]
Reporter: Congratulations. How does it feel?
Amy: O-Okay, w-we're happy to answer your questions, just, um, one at a time, please?
[uncomfortable and overwhelmed, Sheldon leaves]
Reporter: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
Amy: No. Next question.

Sheldon: When do you evacuate your bowels?
Leonard: When I have to.
Sheldon: When you have to? I'm sorry, I don't rent to hippies.

Dmitri: [Dmitri takes a quick gander at the equation, then rings in like it's nothing] The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Sheldon: [to Dr. Gablehauser] Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer!
[to Dmitri]
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Dmitri: [Wearily] Answering question; winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do *you* know anything about physics?
Dmitri: Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon: That's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you kept quiet while I answered all the questions.
Dmitri: [Defiantly, without looking at him] You didn't answer question.
Sheldon: [Hissing] Listen you! You may have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team, I rule with an iron fist!
[Holds up his wrist-braced right arm with his hand clenched, then winces]
Sheldon: Owwww!

Leonard: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.

Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist, like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist, like Clerk Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I'm stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clerk Maxwell.

Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No!
[pause]
Penny: Yeah.

Amy: I think you need to do some editing, like maybe cut out all that stuff about your childhood.
Sheldon: Are you kidding? Growing up in the backwoods of East Texas is what makes me warm and relatable.
Amy: Well, what about all these pages calling out everyone who said you wouldn't succeed?
Sheldon: I told them all they would rue the day. How is it gonna make me look when the day finally comes and they're not filled with rue?
Amy: Sheldon, this isn't about ruing. This is about... humbly accepting a great honor.
Sheldon: Amy, we won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Humility is for people who win the goofy Nobels like Literature, Economics, and Peace.
Amy: Please tell me that's not in your speech.
Sheldon: Oh. I-I can cut it, but it's the only joke I have.

Sheldon: Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Howard: Did someone say "party"?
Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one.
Howard: I suppose that's possible. But, for the record, I've never had a threesome, yet I still know I want one.

Amy: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
Sheldon: [seeing her expression] The game's best with five to ten players.

Sheldon: [Dreams he's on another planet] Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.

Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Please don't hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Sheldon: Well, I hope you're hungry.
Amy: Oh, I'm starving.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Starvation is authentic to the time period. If you also have malaria and a deep distrust of Native Americans, we're really cooking with a woodstove.

Raj: Nice to see everyone dressed up.
Penny: Well, this party is delightful.
Raj: As is the company.
Sheldon: This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.

Sheldon: These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. This one is for one free grammar check. You can use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Oh, this is a fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.

Penny: [Reads her fortune cookie] "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.
Sheldon: No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.
[Gives Sheldon a cookie]
Penny: Read.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon: [Reads] "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."
Penny: Nope, try again.

Sheldon: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard: And that's a lie, right?
Sheldon: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.

Sheldon: You know what, Amy? I don't understand. Are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.
Amy: It's because you're not giving me any space to think.
Sheldon: Well, you should think fast because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're toting around have a sell-by date.

Sheldon: So you're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.
Leonard: Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Leonard: You're having a guilt-ridden dream.
Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?
Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch.
[the Gorn waves]
Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive.

Raj: I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: *For* me.
Raj: Yes, *for* you. I do however have a few conditions. First, at all times I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.

Sheldon: I have a few comic books to sell.
Stuart: I know all about that. First step is to flunk out of art school.

Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard: [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

Penny: [Car making noises] Uh, that doesn't sound good.
Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
Sheldon: [car stops] Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.

[last lines]
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered what the Hulk would be like if he were made of sherbet?
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Delicious.

Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You're a good friend.
Sheldon: I'm glad you think so. That's what I strive to emulate.

Howard: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.

Sheldon: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
Howard: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That's nice.
[Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]
Sheldon: That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt.

Amy: Is that your dad?
Sheldon: It is.
Amy: I've only seen pictures of him.
George Sr.: [on the tape] I know we're down, by a lot. And if I'm being honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.
Amy: Do you want me to turn it off?
George Sr.: But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell.
Georgie: Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!
George Sr.: Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...
Sheldon: [pausing the tape] I remember that game.
Amy: Did they win?
Sheldon: Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.

Raj: Sheldon, I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there... forever.
Sheldon: You're bluffing.
Raj: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon: Curse you.

Sheldon: This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it.

Sheldon: [singing to the melody of "99 Bottles of Beer"] Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar/Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium/If the half-life of radium should happen to pass/Three times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar.
Penny: Really hope you're almost to zero.
Sheldon: No, see, that's the beauty of half-lives; it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero. It's like "Wheels on the Bus" if the bus had an unknowable number of parts.
Amy: Yeah, we're gonna need more coffee.
Penny: Yep. I'm with you. Leonard, coffee?
Leonard: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
Penny: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that.

Howard: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: Kill me.
Sheldon: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

Sheldon: Hey, look. I won.

Amy: You know that my mom can be... well, difficult to get along with.
Sheldon: Which is why I'm starting with your dad and working my way up.
Amy: All right. I'm just worried you might have a rather unpleasant day.
Sheldon: Yeah, back at you. I watched the trailer for "The Grinch"; it looks terrible.

[last lines]
Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Leonard: And no-one told me?
Howard: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Leonard: You clearly did something to aggrevate her!
Sheldon: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.

Sheldon: And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It-it's like a, an itch in my brain I can't scratch.

Leonard: Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard: And?
Sheldon: I didn't... Let's go.

Sheldon: Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Sheldon: Yeah, that too. And scoot over; part of your shadow's on my spot.

Leonard: You worked out all the math?
Sheldon: I did more than work out the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: Since when is it our idea?
Sheldon: Since I added some Sheldony goodness and baked it in the E-Z Bake Oven of my mind.

Raj: We would just walk around and see what's what.
Sheldon: That's a semantically null sentence.

Leonard: Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens!

Sheldon: If you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye, the Restraining Order Guy.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard!
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

[last lines]
Sheldon: [screaming] WHEATON! WHEATON! WHEATON!

Sheldon: All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why, they're state of the art. Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound...
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my agressive letter writing campaign I might add.

Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverly: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around - well, anyone.
Beverly: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverly: Is that a rhetorical point, or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I'd like to do the math.
Beverly: I'd like that, too.

Sheldon: I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.

Penny: Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
Sheldon: Ha! Keep dreaming.

Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
[laughs]
Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon: That's awfully personal.
Leonard: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
[Out loud]
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Hey.
[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]

Amy: We need something from you.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.
Penny: We need some information from you.
Sheldon: Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.

Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

Sheldon: You really think you might get cold feet?
Amy: Actually, I was talking about you.
Sheldon: Amy, if there's one thing in this world I'm sure of, you are right to be worried. Goodnight.

Sheldon: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument"? "Nary"?
Sheldon: Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.

Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I've learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy: In what way are you screwed?

Amy: Have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon: Not there. That's my spot.

Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic Con?
Leonard: No, which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon's job.
Sheldon: She's gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.
Howard: She's gonna hate the crowds at the panels.
Sheldon: She's gonna hate the panels.
Leonard: She's gonna hate how often we say the word "panels".

Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.

Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I'm doing.
Amy: It's very impressive, for theoretical work.
Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?
Amy: I'm sorry. Was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what's the word I'm looking for? Hmm, cute.

Zack: [entering the comic book store] Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.

Sheldon: [over the phone] And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...
Sheldon: [pauses and listens for a second] Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!

Sheldon: Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200.
Howard: And to think I went to MIT for this.

Leonard: Am I being weird?
Sheldon: Yes... and that's coming from me.

Dennis: [notices award certificate on wall of Sheldon's office] Wow! You won a Stevenson Award?
Sheldon: Yes! In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis: Really! How old?
Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis: Hm - you *were* the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard: [grinning gleefully] It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?

Raj: I don't know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.

Sheldon: [a tremor shakes the waiting room] What was that?
Penny: It's just a small tremor.
Sheldon: A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
[Power goes out]
Sheldon: Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.
Amy: Sheldon, you can't go in there.
Sheldon: Try and stop me.
[Runs into glass door and falls]
Amy: Are you all right?
Sheldon: Why didn't you stop me?

Sheldon: I got the blues. My baby done left me.

Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.

Howard: Good luck.
Sheldon: Aren't you gonna come with me?
Sheldon: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I'd rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.

[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette: I don't understand.
Howard: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.

Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
Stuart: Well, Howard, that's very nice of you.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first.
Howard: It's my official NASA portrait.
Stuart: "To Stuart. Your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was."
Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
Howard: That's not true. At the Walgreens, I was "over the moon" for their store-brand antacids.

Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That's called a fashion choice.
Leonard: Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.

[first lines]
Raj: It's like the best one they make. I just can't get it to work.
Howard: I'll figure it out.
Raj: it streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying.
Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?
Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed.

Leonard: I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face.
Sheldon: Face-to-face? Are you gonna wait for him to sit down, or are you gonna stand on the coffee table?

Sheldon: For the record, it did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.

Leonard: You having a good day?
Penny: No, I missed an audition because my computer broke, and I didn't get the e-mail. Would've been a perfect part for me.
Sheldon: Was it waitress who ignores her customers? Because that's the role you were born to play.
Penny: Shut up and eat your burger.
Sheldon: Actually, it's a turkey club.
Penny: Didn't you order a burger?
Sheldon: I did, and yet here we are.

Sheldon: Excuse me! I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting; don't need one now.

Sheldon: [Finds Leonard wearing the apartment flag while doing the laundry] What do you think you're doing?
Leonard: Separating my delicates.
Sheldon: This is the level you're stooping to?
Leonard: [Takes off underwear] No, this is the level I am stooping to. I believe that is flag to crotch four. Checkmate! Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy!

Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.

Sheldon: [last line; while sleeping, calmly] No Goofy. No.

Penny: I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily: Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.

Howard: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...
[Leonard comes up behind him in a mask]
Sheldon: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj: He's probably right.
Howard: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon: [satisfied] Gentlemen.
[turns around, sees Leonard in his mask, screams and faints down on the floor]

Sheldon: Euclid avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice.
[Penny glares at Sheldon]
Sheldon: But you have the con.

Sheldon: I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.
Howard: For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.

Sheldon: [after finishing their frontier dinner as part of Amy's "Little House on the Prairie" themed birthday] So, can I get you anything else?
Amy: [Clearly looking stuffed] No thanks, I think I'm good.
Sheldon: You sure? There's still plenty of pork fat. Although if we don't eat it, I suppose we could turn it into soap.
Amy: That might taste better.

[last lines]
Police: Do you know how fast you were going?
Sheldon: 112.
Police: Let me see your license.
Sheldon: [quietly to Howard] Okay, here's the plan.
Howard: No.
Sheldon: Fine.
[handing the officer his license]
Sheldon: There you go. You know what? You can just keep it.

Sheldon: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.
Howard: I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.
Sheldon: If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.

Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.
[long pause]
Sheldon: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Eh, uh... Strawberries.
Sheldon: Technically not a fruit, but all right.

Sheldon: Elizabeth, Leonard's bathroom time is coming up and believe me, you do not want to follow him.

Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Is this the kind of nagging I'm going to expect now that you're my girlfriend?

Sheldon: I love my mother... even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

Sheldon: What if there's a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not there to see it?
Leonard: Do you really think there's going to be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.

[When George Sr gets a job offer in Tulsa, Sheldon muses on what it would be like to move]
Sheldon: I'd have a new room, in a new house, and the new house would probably have a different smell; and I probably wouldn't like that smell, because I don't like new smells; and I'd be going to a new school with new kids and new teachers, and I bet they'd all smell different as well.
Connie: [sensing that Sheldon is becoming agitated] OK, now calm down.
Sheldon: [firmly] That's easy for you to say. Your olfactory senses aren't about to be assaulted by the state of Oklahoma!
Connie: Let's try a different approach. Can I take you to get some ice cream?
Sheldon: [raising his voice] I'm having an emotional crisis, Meemaw. You can't fix that with ice cream.
Connie: Right. Sorry.
[she pauses, then speaks almost in a whisper]
Connie: You wanna go to Radio Shack?
Sheldon: [shouting] Yes, I want to go to Radio Shack!

- overlooking the ocean at sunset.
- Sure.
- Sounds wonderful.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,
- I'm going to go clean up.
- Outdoor wedding.
Sheldon: I know what I'll be using that cliff for.

Sheldon: I want you to be happy too, but not enough to do anything about it.

Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.

Sheldon: I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., MA, Ph.D., and Sc.D. OMG, right?

Sheldon: Well, this is very exciting, and I wanted you to be among the first to know...
Barry: [passing by] Hey, Cooper, I hear you're gonna be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Barry: My pweasure.
Sheldon: My thank-you was not sincere.
Barry: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question. At what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the barrel for its guests? Eeh-eeh. Don't answer. It's rhetorical.

Sheldon: If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appeared, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.

Sheldon: I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: I couldn't poop this morning.

Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favorite Linux-based operating system!

Leonard: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: Told you.
Mary: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Rajesh: Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me kite back?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate that the fallen kite go to the victor, and without rules the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture: I have your kite! I have your kite!

Sheldon: In what *Universe* are slurpees Icees?

Sheldon: They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
Bernadette: I thought he passed away.
Howard: He did. He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.
Amy: Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.
Penny: Aw. Thought you did it just to get girls.
Leonard: Joke's on you. It worked.

Penny: [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Howard: Are you from the Star Wars universe?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.
Rajesh: OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?
Leonard: Yes.
Rajesh: Interesting. Are you a droid?
Leonard: Yes.
Rajesh: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard: Yes!
Rajesh: C-3PO!
Leonard: You got it!
Sheldon: [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.

Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you're knitting a pair of pants?

Leonard: What kind of DNA is this, anyway?
Sheldon: I was trying to design the genetic code of an advanced race of human being. One of my rare failures, actually.
Leonard: What went wrong?
Sheldon: The balls kept sticking to my pants.
Leonard: Let's just let it dry.
Amy: [entering with Penny] Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hey, babe.
Leonard: Oh, don't slam the...!
[they shut the door, but the model remains intact]
Sheldon: That was exhilarating.

Sheldon: To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.

Sheldon: Save all chatting for your break, and FYI, there will be no breaks.

Mary: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.

Leonard: Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny. I'm not excited. I'm nauseous.
Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.

Sheldon: I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
Howard: You're kidding, right?
Sheldon: Oh, not at all. In Star Wars, when the Stormtroopers would march in perfect formation harassing civilians, didn't you ever think "Hey, that could be me"?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapon system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard's on board. What do you think, Leonard?

Sheldon: What happened?
Penny: Your little buddy got mugged by a bunch of baby farm animals.
Sheldon: Been there.

Sheldon: Wait.
[hands Leonard a measuring cup]
Sheldon: Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.

Penny: Oh, hey, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?
Sheldon: No, I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humor featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named "funny pages".
Penny: Leonard, pick me up comics for my nephew's birthday?
Leonard: Sure. What does he like?
Penny: I don't know, just pick out anything.
Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size? Or pick out his career without knowing his aptitude? Or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements? Or his feelings about little marshmallows?

Sheldon: This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mary: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mary: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the others] I forgive you. Let's go home.
[leaves]
Mary: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Sheldon: [Walks into an empty apartment by mistake] The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!
Leonard: [Sees number on door] Third floor. Wrong apartment.
Howard: Although, if anyone's gonna clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.
Leonard: She might disappear, but she's definitly not going to clean anything.

[last lines]
Sheldon: There's my pretty girlfriend.
[pats her shoulder]
Amy: I'm not going with you to Comic-Con.
Sheldon: You, what! Can't a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball and socket joint?
Amy: He can, but it's still not changing my mind.
Sheldon: [seductively] Well, maybe what's in my pants will change your mind.
[Amy turns to face him, hopefully]
Sheldon: It's a list of this year's panelists. It's long, isn't it?

[First lines]
Raj: This is nice. All my friends, hanging out, watching Ellen.It's like, what am I gonna do witih my other two wishes?
Amy: It's not nice. She's having on the scientists who are trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: Although I will enjoy watching her expose Pemberton and Campbell as the coattail riding frauds that they are.
Leonard: That is Ellen's brand, gotcha journalism.
Penny: You should have seen her take down John Krasinsky last week. Got him to admit he loved his wife. It was brutal.

Sheldon: I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard: No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.

Sheldon: Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard: Bam.

Amy: This isn't gonna make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.
Sheldon: Although, some day, if that kid want's to know why he's short, near-sighted, and asthmatic, he may hunt you down.

Leonard: So, Sheldon. How ya doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard: [to Zack] Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.

Sheldon: [in the rest room] President Seibert?
President: Can't this wait?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, we just need a word.
President: Now? You realize I'm your boss and I am holding my penis.
Barry: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I'm sowwy, this guy's got no wespect for boundawies.

Sheldon: Where's your heart rate monitor?
Penny: I don't have one.
Sheldon: What about you pedometer?
Penny: I don't have one.
Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Well, what do you do? Do you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
Penny: No. I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.

Leonard: [sarcastically] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did! How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train]
Leonard: OW! Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: NOT FOR YOU!

Amy: I missed you.
Sheldon: To quote Han Solo - I know.
Amy: Did you miss me?
Sheldon: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy: Awww.
Sheldon: Or instead of me.

Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I-I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose. No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice.
Sheldon: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: "Campaign for North Africa". I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.

Sheldon: [knock knock knock] Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon: Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon: Is not! Is not, is not.

Tam Nguyen: Sheldon, so good to see you.
Sheldon: [impersonally] Tam.
Tam Nguyen: It's been a long time.
Sheldon: Hm, not long enough to erase the sting of betrayal.
Tam Nguyen: How did I betray you?
Sheldon: You know what you did.
Raj: Uh, let me catch you up. He does not.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!
Leonard: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

Sheldon: And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw!

Sheldon: [about a driving simulation] Now, are there airbags?
Leonard: You don't need airbags!
Sheldon: But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

Leonard: [wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date] Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

Sheldon: Amy, I excel at a great many things, but getting over you wasn't one of them. I think we should just stay friends.

Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be prejudged: Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling... uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana...
Howard: Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.

[First lines]
Penny: Champagne, champagne, and for the world's tallest second grader, apple juice.
Sheldon: No bendy straw. Some party.

Sheldon: Leonard's mad at me, so I'm making him lemon bars.
Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?
Sheldon: Not really, but I'm mad at him too, so lemon bars it is.

Sheldon: While Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.

Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.

Penny: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Unclean! Unclean!
Penny: What?
Leonard: He thinks you're sick.
Penny: Oh. Should we tell him?
Leonard: Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.
Penny: Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Penny: I'm pregnant, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're right, I can't catch that.
[returning to his seat]
Sheldon: Good news, Amy. She's just pregnant.

Sheldon: You know, we did get dressed up and come all the way to city hall.
Amy: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: I have always wanted a permit to dispose of hazardous waste.
Amy: Let's do it.

[Sheldon and Amy are Skyping]
Sheldon: I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy: Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but... I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: I hope you understand.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Bye, Sheldon.
[Skype session ends and Sheldon looks at a statue of Gollum]
Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings.
[Sheldon takes out an engagement ring from his desk drawer]
Sheldon: What do I do with this one?

[Sheldon is excusing himself from Wil Wheaton to talk with Amy]
Sheldon: I'll be right back.
[hands Wil a Wesley Crusher action figure]
Sheldon: Feel free to play with yourself.

Sheldon: [knock knock knock] Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
Bernadette: He's never going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Sheldon: I have noticed that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now given that winter is coming, one can only assume she's signaling sexual availability.

Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents 'Fun with Flags'. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week in honor of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by the Man.

Sheldon: I never want this day to ever end.
Amy: Feeling like it never will.

Sheldon: [sings off screen] I play bongos walking down the stairs.
Sheldon: [falls] Oh! Oh!
[Penny looks freaked and worried at the same time]
Sheldon: [continues singing] Never play bongos walking down the stairs!

Penny: [Sheldon doesn't have a driving license] Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were seventeen?

Penny: Sheldon, I can't believe you got us a wedding gift.
Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. I watch movies. I see what people do.

Sheldon: So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
Larry: You don't have to.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, Larry. Ooh. That doesn't sound right. Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.

Amy: So, are you feeling okay? No wedding jitters?
Sheldon: No. There is nothing in the world that would stop me from marrying you tomorrow, even me from the future coming back to prevent the wedding and the subsequent birth of a child who will destroy humanity.
Amy: Because if you came from the future, that would mean you already went through with the wedding because you believe that time travel is on a closed loop.
Sheldon: I love you so damn much.

[last lines]
Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.
Penny: Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
Leonard: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon: I did this for free; lemme get a little something.
Leonard: Article 10, subsection C: If questioned, Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't. Other unacceptable responses include "It's nothing", "Don't worry about it" and "I said it's nothing; don't worry about it."
Penny: I think this all looks good.
Leonard: Me too.
Sheldon: Uh, well, great then. Here. You will sign here, date here, and, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in 'as is' condition.
Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.
Sheldon: You seem to be forgetting the 'no nostalgia' clause.
Amy: Quite right; got it.

[Sheldon delivers a package to Penny]
Sheldon: [Presents clip board] Excuse me! You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I am fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones!
Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody!

Penny: What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new Homo in town!
[pause]
Raj: That came out wrong.

Leonard: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon: Oh, wow!
Howard: Yess!
Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Sheldon: Knock Knock.
Leonard: Who's there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi...
Sheldon: Muon!

Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.

[first lines]
Amy: If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?
Sheldon: Oh, actually... I would.
Amy: Great! Wh-what did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.
Amy: Well, how 'bout we start a little smaller, like... moving the furniture around.
Sheldon: Y'know, I have always felt that this couch would look *fantastic* on the curb in front of the building.
Amy: Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
Sheldon: Know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Amy: Well, I'm sure she misses this one. I mean it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.
[they look at the large painting of Amy and Penny]
Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.
Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.
Amy: Can't wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.
[Penny looks horrified as they bring the painting to the other apartment]
Sheldon: Look, it's the same smile she has in the painting!

Sheldon: [seeing Penny enter the airplane bathroom] That's the fourth time she's been to the bathroom in the last two hours.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So... her breakfast was binding. I made sure of that.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So she clearly has some sort of stomach distress. If it's viral, we're all susceptible.
Amy: She's probably just airsick.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what if she's not? What if we get what she has? What if we infect the King of Sweden? That's how wars start.
[Penny exits the bathroom, then immediately turns back around]
Sheldon: All right, that's it. This is "Outbreak" and she's the monkey.

- Man [on TV]: Up next: Babylon 5.
Leonard: You're not even watching.
Sheldon: I can hear it.
Leonard: Oh, so the dialogue offends you?
Sheldon: I would hardly call that dialogue.
Leonard: You are insane, you know that?
Sheldon: Don't make me turn that flag upside down because you know I'll do it.

Sheldon: They're still having girls' night across the hall.
Leonard: So, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
Sheldon: At our age, why don't we call it man's night?
Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.

Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
Howard: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we're...
Leonard: No, don't tell her!
Sheldon: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Awww...
Howard: What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?

Mary: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains... and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What's a... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest my life?
Mary: No, just for the middle part. At the end I assumed there'd be nurses.
Sheldon: This is highly insulting!
Amy: Sheldon, don't over-react.
Sheldon: I'm the child she was worried about! I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock! If I spotted them the potato!

Sheldon: Eat this cheese without farting, and you can sleep with my sister.

Sheldon: You guys forget, I'm from Texas, where we know how to settle a score. Don't ask me, ask Mexico.