1000 Best The Big Bang Theory Quotes

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: You may find this surprising, but I don't have a lot of what you would call girlfriends.
Penny: [exaggerated surprise] What?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course, there are my female colleagues, but, uh, they're all Freudians, so the only boy that I can dish about is my father.
Penny: Uh, well, you know, I'm here for you. What do you want to talk about?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, last time, we focused on my life. If we're going to be real girlfriends, we should talk about you, as well.
Penny: Well, you know, if we're gonna be real girlfriends, we should get a third girl we can trash behind her back.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, so we'd be catty. Oh, I like it. What about Sheldon's fiancee? She seems a bit dour.
Penny: Ooh, "dour". Meow.

Penny: Hey, guys. Sorry you had to wait, but we're swamped.
[notices the food on the table]
Penny: What's this?
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here!
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.

Michael J. Massimino: Hey, Howard. Thanks for getting up so early.
Howard: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Michael J. Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard: Mass. That's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Michael J. Massimino: Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.

Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.

- It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.
- Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
- Penny: Leonard? Leonard: Yeah.
- There's something on the windshield.

[first lines]
Penny: [Sheldon holds up a flash card] Helium.
Sheldon: Yes.
[Penny holds up a picture flash card]
Sheldon: Taylor Swift.
Penny: Yes.
[Sheldon holds up another card]
Penny: Pi.
Sheldon: Yes.
[Penny holds up another picture]
Sheldon: Kardashian.
Penny: More specific.
Sheldon: [after a pause] Khloé?
Penny: Yes!
Sheldon: Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloé.
Penny: [Sheldon holds up another card] Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'
[Leonard enters]
Leonard: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard: Hnh. Let me try.
[Sheldon and Penny each hold up a card]
Leonard: Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?

Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.

Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, um, Christy and Howard are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, OK? From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.

- Thanks for the heads up.
- Howard, where are you going?
- I'm going home...
- To live my creepy, pathetic life.
- Well, y... someone had to say it.
- What?
- Uh, he said maybe we should enter you...
- In the killer-robot competition.

- No, I don't.
- You can't stay there forever.
- Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can.
- Give up, Wolowitz.
- You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat.
- There is nothing you could possibly do to...

Sheldon: Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?
Stuart: Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.
Leonard: Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?
Sheldon: I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.
Leonard: Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Bernadette: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.

- He's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff.
- It's not free-I'm gonna pay him back.
- Shut up!
- Sheldon, are you gonna join us?
- Coming!

Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard: Well it is. Just... you know I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long.
Leonard: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: A couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Leonard: You can't still be mad about that.
Sheldon: Please. I have grudges going back to kindergarden. One day, I plan to find an adult Emily Dwyer and make her eat a crayon while I watch.
Amy: Is that why there's an Emily Dwyer on our invitation list?
Sheldon: Of course. That night, I will have the first dance, and the last laugh.

Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."

- to transfer my consciousness,
- I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.
- Really? That's your question-- when did he put a ramp in?
- You're in my spot.

Raj: Thank you, Darling.
Siri: You're most certainly welcome, Sexy.
Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.

Leslie: In the past I would have said something obnoxious, like "Happy birthday, dumbass," but I'm not going to do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it's just so nice to see you all again. So... Happy birthday, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh now, you know I hate change. Say it.
Leslie: Happy birthday, dumbass!

Penny: Hey, where are you?
Sheldon: I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.
Penny: Excuse me?
Leonard: What?
Amy: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Amy: So, are you feeling okay? No wedding jitters?
Sheldon: No. There is nothing in the world that would stop me from marrying you tomorrow, even me from the future coming back to prevent the wedding and the subsequent birth of a child who will destroy humanity.
Amy: Because if you came from the future, that would mean you already went through with the wedding because you believe that time travel is on a closed loop.
Sheldon: I love you so damn much.

Leonard: I don't think George Lucas built his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Sheldon: Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That's code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

Sheldon: I'm going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States Government to keep it a secret.
Raj: Noting happened. Can we please just change the subject?
Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.

- Nice going.
- What kind of a person steals another person's car in broad daylight?
- What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?
- Thought we agreed it's Koothrappali's fault.
- You're right.
- Nice going.

Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
Leonard: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
Penny: [to Leonard] No, you're right.
[to Sheldon]
Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, the medicine's not working!
Howard: You just took it. At least let it reach your *first stomach*!

Sheldon: Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there's a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

Lucy: I'm Lucy and I broke up with Raj because I have severe social anxiety and he kept trying to force me into uncomfortable situations.
Howard: Like ths one?
Lucy: Yeah.
Raj: I did that. I can be insensitive to other people's boundaries. Howard, will you write that down?
Howard: Schmuck, got it.

Stuart: Hey, dude.
Denise: Dude?
Stuart: Yeah, you know, just want you to know that I don't think of you as a woman.
Denise: Oh, perfect. I don't think of you as a man.
Stuart: Great. So, as two genderless blobs of human flesh, how would you like to go to Sheldon and Amy's wedding with me?
Denise: Oh, Stuart. Look, I appreciate that, but it just might be a little weird, considering you're my boss.
Howard: [entering] Guess who's gonna officiate Sheldon and Amy's wedding! Mark Hamill! Luke Skywalker is gonna be at the wedding!
Denise: [to Stuart] You'll need to buy me a dress.

Penny: Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?
Leonard: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard: You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard: [smirking] It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.
Penny: Leonard!
Leonard: What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard: Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: [pauses] Maybe.

- I was actually thinking about going.
- And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out...
- Leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.
- No, I was gonna grab raj and Howard and have a good time.
- Ah, great, more guys.
- It's gonna be another wil wheaton sausage-fest.

Leonard: [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Rajesh: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.

Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!

Leonard: [sarcastically] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did! How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train]
Leonard: OW! Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: NOT FOR YOU!

Sheldon: [Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: [Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.
Sheldon: [Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

Amy: Did you know she has him add things to the roommate agreement so she can get her way and not fight with you about it?
Leonard: Son of a bitch.

Dr. Robert Wolcott: I can't believe they left without saying goodbye. Wait a minute, what if they stole my work? Wait a minute, what if they were never here at all? Wait a minute, what if they haven't gotten here yet, but they're on their way? I'd better tidy up.

Sheldon: You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: [Gives Sheldon a death stare] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Howard: You know, as a kid, I used to make model rockets. That'd be pretty cool to do with a son.
Sheldon: Model rockets. Finally, something interesting. What is your preferred mode of conveyance?
Amy: Sheldon, we're helping our friends.
Sheldon: And we got to model rockets, yeah? It was a tedious road, but well worth the effort.
Amy: So, have you thought of any names?
Sheldon: Amy, we finally got to model rockets. Why are you turning back?

[first lines]
Leonard: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

- What do you mean by that?
- It turns out she really knows...
- How to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
- Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
- Why'd you do that?
- To send a message.
- She is not for you.
- What?
- Not for you.

- Now, we're talking about real treats, right?
- Not Bible verses, like my mother used to give me.
- Whatever you want.
- So, shall we get to work?
- Biology and physics coming together?
- It's like the peanut butter cup of the mind.
- Oh, I know what I want my treat to be!

Raj: When you were on the, uh, Wookie home planet, how did you even understand what they were saying?
Mark: I don't remember ever being on a Wookie home planet.
Stuart: Uh, actually, Luke was on the Wookie home planet, Kashyyyk, in the "Holiday Special" when he helped Chewie get home to his wife.
Mark: Chewie had a wife?
Stuart: Her name's Malla.
Denise: Wow, that's impressive.
Stuart: [self-appreciative] Yeah.

Raj: Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I always wanted to go to an American prom. Then I saw Carrie and then, not so much. Then I saw Never Been Kissed and I was into it again. Boy, this prom thing has been a real roller coaster.

Wyatt: Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?
Penny: Curtis, and I'm pretty sure he was joking.
Wyatt: Well I don't know, that petition looked real to me.

Howard: What's up?
Raj: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory-foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?

Sheldon: I'm working with Bert, but I don't want anyone to find out.
Penny: Well, you just told me, so strong start.
Sheldon: Penny, this is serious. My reputation is on the line. What are people gonna think when they see us collaborating?
Penny: I don't know. "Poor Bert"?

Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998, and... it's still alive.

Sheldon: The Comic-Con breakup's easy to remember, because Leonard was the saddest Pikachu.
Amy: Right, and he wiped his nose on your cape, and then you were the saddest Darth Vader.

- You have to help-- it's in the roommate agreement.
- No, it's not.
- Section 74.C.
- The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.
- I'll be damned.

- I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.
- We weren't thinking about you.
- Of course not.
[Grunts] I am going to the kitchen.
- Can I get anybody anything?
- Penny, nice glass of milk and a multivitamin?

Penny: Okay, I'm just going to go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.

Amy: Why are you speaking Klingon?
Sheldon: Why are you speaking English?

Leonard: Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?

- You know, when we buy the planters deluxe mix...
- She eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them.
- She's a unique blend of Saint and squirrel.
- Yup, that she is. Here you go.
- I'm a callous egomaniac.
- She's gonna leave me.
- No, she won't.
- No, she won't. I'm great.

Penny: [Trying to get Bernadette to do some yoga with her] We go down.
[Penny squats down effortlessly, while Bernadette tries using the chair for assistance]
Penny: Then back up.
[She comes back up, but Bernadette is stuck]
Penny: And back up!
Bernadette: Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.
[Penny gets her cell phone and points it at Bernadette]
Bernadette: What are you doing? Put that thing away.
Penny: Smile.
[Click. The picture makes Bernadette look like she's going #2]

Howard: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
Bernadette: Howie, you are about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: All right, if you are going to calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you. OK, I get it, and it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
Bernadette: I'm not worried about you; I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
Howard: Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
Bernadette: You've had to work with him before; it hasn't gone well. Why is this time going to be any different?
Howard: Is the fetus helping you? cause that's cheating.

Bernadette: Did you just come here to complain?
Sheldon: You're complaining too. "Sheldon, why are you here?" "Sheldon, applesauce is for the baby!"

Howard: I wonder what Sheldon's hiding in there?
Raj: He's always been kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, shame on you! You can't treat him differently just because he's disabled, that's not okay!

Howard: [while playing World of Warcraft] Alright, here we are; this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj: I don't think my character should be in a place like this; everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
Howard: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up!

Sheldon: Where do you get treating me like a child?
Leonard: Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle.
Sheldon: That's because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes!

Sheldon: I'm gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Amy: Well, I signed one before we slept together, why not now?

- Fyi, secret-keeping. Hate it.
- Hand-holding, not a fan.
- Hammerhead shark, I love that thing.
- Yeah, it's another fish with a tool on its head.
- Raisinet?
- Shh! We're trying to watch the movie.
- This is not working out with him.

- We are.
- Aha!
Bernadette: Get out!
- Sorry, sorry.
- I didn't see anything.
- Actually, could I... oh!
- Thank you!

Penny: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon: [to himself] That will not be in this week's email blast.

Sheldon: Well, little lady, you've heard of party hardy? Get ready to party hardly.

Bernadette: I love your shoes.
Penny: Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren't they?
Bernadette: Where'd you get them?
Penny: Shoes for Less.
Bernadette: I've been meaning to go over there.
Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.
Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, let the women-folk chat.
Penny: Women-folk?
Howard: Gals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?..

Penny: I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily: Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.

Raj: I don't know which Hemsworth is going to play Logan, but I'm sure it's a Hemsworth.
Leonard: Well, he's based on me.
Howard: So a young Paul Giamatti?

- And I remember a good deal of it.
- Oh, really?
- I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister.
- And I could easily best you in any physical confrontation.
- Be it noogies, swirlies or the classic,
- "why are you hitting yourself?"
- Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?
Howard: We, hah, named her Halley.
Leonard: Ohhh.
Penny: Oh, like Halley's comet.
Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet Bernadette said she's not going to have sex with me for another seventy-five years.

- And window-shop on eharmony.
[In normal voice] Okay, bye.
- Okay.
- Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.
- And an aquaman action figure.
- Looks like someone drew a penis on him.
- Eh. That'll come off.

Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.
[looks at the painting of Penny]
Bernadette: Good night, transvestite Penny.

Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon: It's like looking at the universe naked.

Bernadette: Go hide.
Raj: Oh man, when I come out of the closet, I'm going to nail those guys.
[Penny just looks at him]
Raj: Yeah, I heard it; shut up.

Bert: [jealous of Bert, Sheldon injured himself expressing his anger] What happened to you?
Sheldon: [pointing to each foot in turn, then his forehead] Rock, rock, water fountain.

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?
Leonard: Uh, let me finish packing this stuff up. You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Years.
Penny: Yeah, but he doesn't live here anymore.
Leonard: He doesn't live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.And that's the same man who complains you can't find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter!
Penny: [Penny gets a text on her phone] Oh, its Bernadette. She says they're running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.
Leonard: Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.

Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money.

Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one, but it's really long.

- First appearance of silver surfer...
- Against your flash 123, the classic "flash of two worlds" issue.
- All right, you have a wager.
- Great.
- Now, how are you gonna settle it? Hmm?
- There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it.
- I wonder what the nonpathetic people are doing tonight.

- I apologize it is so warm in here.
- It is warm in here.
[Pants] I've worked up a bit of a sweat.
- Me, too.
- May I borrow your water?

Amy: You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
Mary: Good.
Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
Mary: Hey! I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Amy: Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
Sheldon: And you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: You're not my mother.
Mary: Don't you be disrespectful to her!
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.

- Oh, uh...
- Never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a frisbee.
- Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
- Oh!
- Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
- Well, we all have a past.

Leonard: Yeah, who wouldn't want to hire the physicist who publicly said physics is dead?

Howard: There are lots of people who wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj: Oh, really? Like who?
Howard: You and your dog.
Leonard: Don't rule out the dating.

- Hey, how was your...? What?
- I can explain. I played hooky with the girls and we all went to Disneyland and go...
- What are you doing?
- Disneyland, go on, I'm listening.
- Sheldon.
- All snow white needs is one little kiss to wake up.
- Heard you the first time.

Penny: Anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up.
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.

Leonard: [Leonard is trying to learn about football] Okay, a completed pass: first down, New England. I think I'm starting to get this.
Rajesh: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Rajesh: I'm just saying maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Raj: I was on the phone with my mother.
Bernadette: How is she?
Raj: Pretty Good. She bought the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and used it to set my father's Mercedes on fire.

Sheldon: I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!
[starts crying]
Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon: What do we have to lose?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
Amy: How's that?
Sheldon: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.
[Amy lets go]
Sheldon: Why'd you stop?
[Amy hugs him again]

Raj: Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment.
Penny: Why?
Raj: I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.

Leonard: What is going on with you?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
Leonard: Well, I'm sure you have a perfectly stupid reason.
Sheldon: I don't do anything for a stupid reason. Except perhaps Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I'd argue that's more whimsical than stupid.

- So, Saturday night!
- It's gonna be off the hook.
- Ugh!
- Get over it.
- Oh, boy!
- Tator tots and a party invitation?
- What a great day!

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.
Penny: That's not mine.
Sheldon: It's not?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: [holds up a pair of large pink panties] So you're telling me that this is not yours.
Penny: Nope.
Sheldon: So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: [drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands] And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.

[Sheldon and Howard grab the same comic book]
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why should I let it go, I saw it first?
Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.

Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard: I'm not going to schmooze anybody; I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard: Thank you.
[pause]
Leonard: I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh good, you heard me.

Amy: How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.
Sheldon: All right.
[flips coin]
Amy: So, what is it?
Sheldon: A quarter.
[Tosses quarter away]
Amy: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.

Chen: Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He's putting his needs above the collective good.
[to the other guys]
Sheldon: Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
Chen: *I* come from Sacramento.

[first lines]
Bernadette: Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
Howard: [waking up] Oh. Did your water break?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Are you feeling any contractions?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: [she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?
Bernadette: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Sheldon: Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it. Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won't change the past.
Leonard: But it'd make the present so much nicer.

Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I-I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose. No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice.
Sheldon: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: "Campaign for North Africa". I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.

Sheldon: [at the urinals at work] Kripke.
Barry: Yes.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.

Sheldon: Do potato clock! Potato clock!
Penny: What's potato clock?
Professor: I run a clock with a potato.
Penny: Shut up! You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?
Professor: No.

Bert: I had orange juice on my fridge so long it tasted like mimosa.
Amy: How long was it in there?
Bert: I'm not sure. I don't remember much after I drank it.

Penny: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard: I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard: I don't know what he is putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.

- Huh!
- Interesting.
- Welcome back, Leonard.
- Sorry, you're out.
- What did I do?
- Exactly.

Stephanie: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard: Then why did you?
Stephanie: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard: Got it.

Leonard: So, I'm running for president of the tenants' association, and I could really use your vote.
Wendell: Uh, who's president now?
Penny: Uh, Sheldon Cooper. You know, about yea tall and about yea annoying.
[holding her arms as wide as she can]
Wendell: So you want me to vote against Sheldon Cooper?
Leonard: Yeah. You just need to show up at a meeting...
Wendell: Oh, no, no. No can do. He's got a restraining order against me.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wendell: Uh, I locked him on the roof once.
[mouthing]
Wendell: Three times.

Bernadette: Sorry I flipped out on you; I think it's just hormones.
Raj: I think you were mean before you were pregnant, but it's fine.

Raj: What if one of them asks me what I was up to the night before and I was with the other one. Then what, do I lie?
Bernadette: Yes.
Bernadette: What do you mean, yes?
Leonard: What do *you* mean, yes?
Bernadette: Were you seeing other women when we started dating?
Howard: No. Were you seeing other men?
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?

Colonel: [Pointing at Sheldon's board] What's this?
Leonard: Oh, nothing. Just some math we don't need.
Colonel: This is a different approach. You're trying to make the guidance system even smaller?
Leonard: It's jlust a theory, it's not even worked out.
Colonel: Oh. I want this.
Howard: But we already met the agreed-upon specs. Going smaller would require weeks of new computations.
Colonel: So get the kid with the two shirts to do it.
Leonard: Sir, if I may, we've put a lot of thought and effort into making the current prototype. It's a really elegant solution, and mosst importantly, it works.
Colonel: Yeah, I want this.
Howard: It's just a theory. It's not even a complete thought.
Colonel: You both make excellent points. Thank you for presenting it so articulately. Make this.
Howard: The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.

Howard: [Watching Leonard melt his action figures with a laser] Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard: Not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.

- No, it's the last straw!
- I can't take any more!
- Can you believe it?
- They finally fixed the elevator.
- This is a nightmare.
- What's with him?
- He won a nobel prize, and his wife looks amazing.
- Oh! Yeah, got it.

Amy: Sheldon, I have an advanced degree in the study of the human brain, so if my fiancé is a raving lunatic, it's kind of a ding on my reputation.
Sheldon: If leaders just stepped aside every time they didn't have the consent of the governed, what would we have?
Amy: Democracy.
Sheldon: Not on my watch.

Amy: [Sheldon hands Amy a gift bag, as a token of apology; Amy isn't pleased at first] Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu...
[as soon as she takes it out, her tone and demeanor instantly change and she is practically singing]
Amy: OHHH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara! I have a tiara!
[to Penny, talking quickly as she dashes around the room]
Amy: Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
Penny: [helps her put it on] You... look... beautiful.
Amy: [Yelling happily] OF COURSE I DO, I AM A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
[she turns, kisses, and embraces Sheldon and doesn't let go]
Sheldon: [after he slowly, but not uncomfortably, puts his arms around her, to Penny straight-faced] You were right. A tiara was too much.

Leonard: [Flashback] Hi. Excuse me. I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.
Sebastian: Oh. I bet you're here to check out the room for rent.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sebastian: Run away dude.
Leonard: What?
Sebastian: Run fast, run far.
Leonard: [Present day] That should have been my first clue.

Raj: [Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church] None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.

Bernadette: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard: Disagree.
Raj: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

Penny: Ah, the best! You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday you got a problem. You do it on a weekend you got brunch.

Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.

- Libido, one. Truth, zero.
- I'm gonna ask one more time.
- We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
- And I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignified, and bite me.
- Let's go.
- Bye, Sheldon.
- Goodbye, penny.

- Thank you, fellow bozite.
- And may I say, you are the living embodiment...
- Of all the promises made by our lovely town's chamber of commerce.
- Wait.
- Wait.
- Excuse me!

- I don't understand what we're doing.
- Shh.
[Softly] Whose house is that?
[Softly] Carrie Fisher.
- And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.

- Can we give it a little more gravitas?
- Fine.
- Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one, commencing.
- Uh... maybe it's your voice.
- I'm gonna see if I can get
- James Earl Jones to do it in post.

Sheldon: Would you like a chocolate?
Penny: Um, yeah, sure. Thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of "nice".
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don't.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, now, that's you. Obnoxious and insufferable.

Dale: Usually, I spend Valentine's Day sad and alone. This year, I'm just sad.

Penny: [Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches] Oh, hi. What's up?
Sheldon: [Uneasy] Um... ..
Penny: Do you want me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?
Sheldon: No, I didn't start yet. It's fine
Penny: Okay. So, whaddaya need?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: ... Penny. And I just wanted to tell you
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Penny, that the answer to the question "who did a great job" is you
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Penny.

- Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.
- All right.
- There. Nice and comfy-cozy.
- Zero, zero, zero.
- There's one more zero.
- You forgot the time parameter.
- Sit on the damn couch.

Amy: Sheldon, I'm not ready to have a baby!
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you're as fertile as a manure-covered field.
Amy: Wow. I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.

[last lines]
Bernadette: Howard!
Howard: Guys, you heard her; go see what she wants.
Bernadette: [she enters] I think I'm in labour.
Howard: Wh- wh- OK, OK. I-I-I I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan!
Stuart: I'll get the hospital bag,
Raj: I'll pull the van out.
Stuart: Meet outside in two minutes.
Raj: Team Baby, go!
[they chest bump and run out]
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you too.
[they kiss and Stuart runs back in]
Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go!

Raj: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.
[Open press]
Raj: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.

Penny: I got a brand new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
[gestures at her breasts]
Bernadette: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
Amy: I brought some old underwear to throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I'm sorry, why old?
Amy: Because the first time I saw him, throwing new underwear didn't work.

Sheldon: Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course! It's right here in my hand.

- Okay.
- Should we go?
- Uh, one more question.
- If you're gonna replace Wolowitz,
- I need to know a little more about you.
- All right.
- Wolowitz went to mit.
- What's your educational background?
- I went to art school.
- Equally ridiculous. Let's go.

- Yes?
- Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room...
- And I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
- Well, I suppose. Come in.
- I'll sleep in Leonard's room.
- Good night.

Raj: [Leonard is planning to sell his comic book memorabilia] I call dibs on the "Golden Age Flash".
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: You can't just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did. Look up dibs on Wikipedia.

Raj: I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.
Howard: The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.
Sheldon: That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.
Leonard: Really? I never noticed that about you.

Penny: Amy, you little vixen! Look who's been working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.

- Beep, bop, boop, bop!
- Female voice: Next message.
Sheldon: Thiospinel sulfide.
- Thiospinel sulfide.
- That's even more fun than gee... ode.
- Hey, did you see the lego movie?
- Computerized voice: What a jackass.

[first lines]
Rajesh: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Rajesh: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
Leonard: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
[at lightning speed]
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
[takes a drink]
Rajesh: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

- My good man, now, before you walk away,
- I know that I may appear deranged...
- But I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist.
- Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask.
- Bosons have integer spin.
- Fermions have half-integer spin.
- My legs are getting cold.
- Why won't anybody help me?

- If that's what you like, I can be that guy.
- I'll be anything you want me to be.
- Good night, Leonard.
- I am such an asthmatic dumb-ass.
- I had a weird night.
- Mine was great.
- I'm going to be a mommy.

Bernadette: Can I get your opinion on something that happened at work today?
Amy: Of course.
Penny: Sure.
Bernadette: Okay, well, I did something that will either make me look like a lovable goof, or a horrible monster, damned to spend eternity in hell.
Amy: Oh, I'm sure it's lovable.
Penny: I'm gonna' go with monster. What do ya' got?
Bernadette: Well, there's this lady in our office who's retiring, and they were passing around one of those big cards for us to sign, but no one told me she was in a horrible car accident over the weekend, and what I was signing was not a retirement card, but was actually a get well card.
Penny: [laughing] I'm liking my odds here.
Bernadette: So on the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who's clinging to life, are the words "Hey Vivian, you deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yogurt out of the fridge. LOL, smiley. P.S., Good luck, wherever you wind up."
Penny: Why didn't I put money on this?

Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?

Sheldon: While I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy.

Bernadette: Howard's not here.
Raj: Oh, I know. He's been at the lab every night this week with his work wife.
Bernadette: That's weird. I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen.

Bernadette: Why are you being a baby?
Howard: I'm not a baby, I'm a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where's my star.
Leonard: Should we go?
Penny: Hang on. I want to see if he gets his star.

Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly is just like regular, except the money's in rupees, instead of hotels, you build call centers, and when you take a Chance card, you might die of dysentery.

Anu: Hi.
[suddenly unable to talk, Raj waves]
Anu: [awkwardly waving back] Everything okay?
[he heads towards the bathroom]
Anu: Why are you acting so weird?
[he takes a bottle of champagne and closes the door]
Anu: Raj? What's going on?
Raj: Be right out! You look beautiful!

Amy: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Leonard: A lot of attitude from the woman who thought MC squared was a rapper.
Penny: Is that a smart thing to say on a holiday that's basically National Sex Night?
Leonard: I'm sorry, you're pretty, I'm stupid.

Penny: Isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women gonna hold you back a little?
Leonard: Oh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj. It's vanilla oil.
Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed.

Penny: You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is if I was there I... would have tortured you too.
Sheldon: Based on this pep talk I'd say you're still doing it.
Penny: My point is... there is a time I never would have been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people, so... if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.
Sheldon: But everyone will think I'm weird.
Penny: Sweetie, you *are* weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.

[repeated line when someone accuses Sheldon of being crazy]
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested!

Amy: We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.

Bernadette: Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark; she's holding on to you...
Penny: Yeah, but you've just have to remember that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got all your clothes back on.
[Amy & Bernadette stare at her]
Penny: It's a *joke*! Based on real events.

- I... but, he's the one who translated it.
- Okay. How about this? We all tell him.
- Or even better, you tell him.
- Yeah, that makes the most sense.
- You guys are such cowards.
- Yes, we are!

Howard: I'm busy, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Too busy to help your mother with her zipper?
Howard: Don't come in, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why not?
Leslie: [Yelling as loud as his mother] He's got company!
Howard: [Holding his chest] Oh, there's the arrhythmia.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is she Jewish?
Howard: [quietly] Are you Jewish?
Leslie: [quietly] No.
Howard: [shouting] Yes!

Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill.

- Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
- How's it gonna be okay?
- Look at me. I'm a mess.
- And that means this baby's gonna be half a mess and that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate, moderately attractive nanny.

Bernadette: Sorry, Howie's back at work and there's just so much going on.
Amy: Is there anything we can do?
Bernadette: Sure: open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room there's a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn it; your choice.

Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.

Sheldon: So, what are you in for?
Mitchell: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up the movies made a huge impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere, until I discovered the worlds he had created, and I finally found a place where I belong.
Sheldon: But, why are you here?
Mitchell: Oh, I hopped a fence and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with the Chewbacca statue.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
[Gets up and sits next to Leonard]
Sheldon: Leonard... they have a sculpture gallery!

Penny: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, yes, you do; you know you have a weird brother-sister Elliott-E.T. relationship with him.

Amy: How can Red Hulk be worthy?
Bernadette: YOU DON'T KNOW HIS LIFE!

Koothrappali: Oh, God, look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: Don't they have buffets in India?
Koothrappali: Of course, but it's all Indian food. Try and find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.

Sheldon: Wine again? No, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way: in a juice box.

- It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
- I'm on it.
- Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is Howard there?
- Okay, thanks.
- That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.
- See if raj is done with pilates.

- I'm worried an hour won't be enough time.
- Sheldon, I've got some bad news.
- What is it?
- I just read online that
- Arthur jeffries passed away.
- Professor proton is dead?
- Sorry, buddy.

Howard: I remember I sat under this very desk with all my Halloween candy. I ate some peanut M&Ms, had my first anaphylactic shock, had to go to the hospital, celebrated with a Snickers bar, had my second anaphylactic shock...
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: About the time I had my third Almond Joy.

Amy: How about this? You stay for the game, I'll buy you some cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon: Bobblehead of whom?
Amy: Does it matter?
Sheldon: Not as long as it bobbles.

Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

- Refresh my memory.
- Why didn't I just put you in the trunk?
- Because I called shotgun.
- Remember?
- Right.
- You seem tense.
- Perhaps this will relax you.

[last lines]
Bernadette: Are you mad at me?
Howard: No. I'm not mad at you; I just wish you would have come to me so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette: So, what are we going to do?
Howard: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette: I don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it though.
Howard: Why don't I talk to your dad? Man to man.
Bernadette: Really? Ah, that'd be so great
Howard: Done.
Bernadette: I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he wont shoot it; it's more of a fashion statement.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: And just to be safe, when you talk to him don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
Howard: Got it, got it. Will you email me that list?
Bernadette: So the thing to watch for: if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line; throw some zigs and zags in there.
Howard: Y'know, th- this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May you're going to be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got phones.

Sheldon: While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
Sheldon: You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

[Chuckles] Hi.
- Hello.
- So, um...
- Should I get under the covers with you?
- All right.

[last lines]
Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.
Leonard: Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.
Penny: Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard: Me too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny: Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard: I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?
[Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face]
Penny: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
[She picks up a magic marker]

Sheldon: That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette: He said what?
Sheldon: Oh don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.

Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey buddy. How you doing?
Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Do you think they want to put my outburst in the documentary?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Penny: Definitely.
Sheldon: Well, there's no point dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say: Kup-fun-tor ha'kiv na'ish du stau?
[Vulcan phrase. It means: "Can you return life to what you kill?"]
Penny: Do you know what that means?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Are you telling me the truth?
Leonard: Nirsh.
Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn't accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I'm going to take action.
Penny: What are you going to do?
Sheldon: I'm going to find her and ask her to marry me. If she says yes, we can put his behind us and resume are relationship. And if she says no... well then she can just ponfo mirann.
[Vulcan phrase. It means "go to hell"]
Leonard: He didn't mean that.

- -Change seats with me. -why?
- There's a draft on my neck over here.
- So I get the draft?
- You're protected by your turtleneck.
- Fine.
- And it's a dickey.

Mary: [On going to Rodeo drive] Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No, it's the wise man.

Sheldon: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!

- I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
- Are you saying I do?
- Oh, no. No, no, of course not.
- It's just, I was thinking...
- Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo.
- And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
- Great. Another fainter.

Zack: I asked for the most expensive one they have. They said it was $200 and I said I want a more expensive one. And then, they said it was $300.

Priya: [Priya meets Penny as Penny leaves Leonard's apartment] Oh, hello.
Penny: Oh, hi. I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in an make-believe place.
Priya: I don't know what that means.
Penny: Yeah, well, sadly, I do.

Sheldon: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.

Sheldon: Being with Amy has awaken the sexual beast within me. Whenever I see a woman walk by, I think "hubba-hubba" like any other man.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? Cause it's fine.

- with lemon-flavored sparkling water, so, chop-chop.
- Hey, how'd it go?
- Well, apparently he's not leaving, and I have to go get him sparkling water.
- Why are you smiling?
- I don't know. It just feels right.

Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard: Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.
Leonard: Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
Leonard: Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.
Penny: Oh, thanks.
[Eats it]

Howard: You really want to drive?
Sheldon: It seems like the perfect time. The roads are straight, there's no one around, and you don't seem to care if you live or die.
Howard: Live, Sheldon. I want to live.
Sheldon: That makes things a little trickier, but I'll do my best.

Howard: I'm serious, JPL's actually developing a robot arm that could grab an asteroid before it hits us.
Leonard: So their plan for saving the Earth from Armageddon is hoping a bunch of scientists can catch a ball?
Raj: If we're all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?

Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.

Howard: [phone call to the space station] Hey, Ma. You know, we could see each other if you turn on the computer.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I'm not going near that fakakta thing. I'll catch a computer virus!
Howard: You can't catch a computer virus.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, so now you're an astronaut and a doctor?

Bernadette: I'm not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Amy: Don't worry. I'll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.

[first lines]
Sheldon: But I think, by the end of the honeymoon, we really started to feel like a married couple.
Amy: But the good kind, like on TV, not like my parents.
Howard: You're not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open and she's okay with it.
Bernadette: I told you, I'm not okay with it.
Howard: She loves it.
Amy: [unpacking] So, we got everybody gifts.
Leonard: Did you forget about us until you were at the airport?
Sheldon: No. We forgot about you until we were on the plane. Luckily, there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime.

Zack: [entering the comic book store] Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.

Leonard: I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.
Sheldon: All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

Penny: So you just let him get away with anything?
Amy: Well, not anything. But honestly, "pastrami sandwich" is not the hill I want to die on.
Penny: It's not about the sandwich. It's about the principle.
Leonard: Yeah, principle. And a little bit sandwich.
Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon: I'm never silly.

[Raj has been named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Howard: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
Raj: Sorry; it's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
Raj: It's a lease!

Leonard: I do romantic things for you all the time; can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons!
Leonard: Sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh.
[thinks]
Penny: I know; what about that bed and breakfast?
Leonard: Well, I took you there. All you did wa...
Penny: I know what I did.
[pause]
Penny: I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair.

Sheldon: I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic.

- Okay. Well, what about your friend Amy?
- Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes.
- She isn't the free spirit I am.
- Forget it. I'm not spending my new year's Eve at a comic-book store...
- Wearing a wonder woman costume.
- He says he'll wear it if you'll be aquaman.

Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist, like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist, like Clerk Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I'm stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clerk Maxwell.

Sheldon: Why do we have a Geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children's party while I was in Texas?

Howard: I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine. I'll sit here; you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous; you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard: Actually you *can*! There's a whole sport built around it. Falconry.

Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?
Howard: The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away.

- Smooth.
- Smoother than you.
- Come on, it's Christmas.
- Just give me this one.
- Okay.
- Merry Christmas.
- By the way, my leg is killing me.
- Thanks for asking.

Penny: [Moves to hug Amy after Amy invites her to go to Big Sur] You know, it is going to be difficult, but I am going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my 'bestie'.
Amy: [Somewhat coldly] Please don't touch my breasts!
Penny: I... I wasn't going to.
Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

- That's not really a fair comparison.
- I'm basically married to a sexy buzz lightyear.
- Amy, you?
- Can't help you.
- Whenever I'm around Sheldon...
- I feels like my loins are on fire.
- In the good way, not the urinary tract infection way.

Penny: Oh man, did the Kiss army repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'?

Sheldon: Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.

Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing again.
Sheldon: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

- Whoa.
- Isn't that the best?
- You guys made a person.
- We did.
- And I like to think I helped.
[Whispers] You didn't.

Amy: Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say. But before I do, just... I want you to know you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...
Sheldon: I love you too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.
[Amy starts hyperventilating]
Sheldon: I know what that is. You're having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down on your back.
Amy: Thank you.
[runs over to Sheldon's bed]
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because I love you doesn't mean that girls are allowed in my room.

Leonard: I already told her a lie. Why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.

Raj: Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people.
Emily: Are you breaking up with me?
Raj: No, no, I'm just pointing out that you're dark on the inside and I'm dark on the outside.

- Why is it going so slow?
- Because I'm an idiot who didn't think this through.
- Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland...
- Play hide-and-seek on Tom Sawyer's island...
- And then come back and see the end of the pitch.

- I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.
- Oh. Okay.
- I will always have the dent to remember it by.

Amy: I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone.
Sheldon: They can't function without me. I'm the social glue that holds this little group together.

Sheldon: What no, that's a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we'd be suffocating.

- Hey, look at that.
- It's Dennis Kim.
- Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
- I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
- Yeah, we really ruined his life.
- Screw him, he was weak.

[last lines]
Sheldon: [screaming] WHEATON! WHEATON! WHEATON!

Sheldon: Interesting fact about the rectum.

Raj: Oh, I am stuffed! I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
Anu: I think we should have sex.
Raj: [playing it cool after almost crashing the car] Me, too.
Anu: Yeah, it's just we haven't done it yet, and I think it's important to make sure we're compatible before we get married.
Raj: Oh, I totally agree. Oh, just one question. While we're doing it, can I leave my shirt on? You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
Anu: It doesn't have to be tonight. How about this weekend? I can get us a room at my hotel.
Raj: Okay. Sounds nice. We can order a bunch of room service, because I'm not eating anything between now and then.
Anu: Aw. Are you worried?
Raj: I am not worried. If anything, I'm overconfident. Edging into smug.
Anu: I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
Raj: Oh, it's gonna be better than fine. Trust me, I've had no complaints.
Anu: Good to know.
Raj: Well, I've had questions, comments, some constructive criticism, but... no complaints.

Sheldon: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard: Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!

- Aren't there any other options?
- There's not a lot of room.
- It's gonna be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes.
- I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
- Okay, bye.
- My mother's coming to visit.
- How about that? You were right.

- How's that going to help them?
- They could monitor scientific publications...
- And see if anyone posts such a restatement in the next couple of months.
- If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.
- Good night, fellas.
- Come on, bochco.

- It's more the spirit in which...
- What did he say?
- You had a lucky hunch.
- I've been thinking.
- Instead of arguing about this, why...?
- Don't you ever speak to me again.
- What...?
- Oh, he:

Sheldon: It's all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you.

Sheldon: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!

Sheldon: I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
Howard: Well, uh... something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast.

- Okay.
- So is the wedding still on?
- Yeah, the wedding's still on.
- Thank god, I'm still a maid of honor.
- Oh, what the hell?
Amy: This is kind of hot.

Penny: When was the last time you did something totally selfish without worrying about what anyone else wanted?
Leonard: Uh, according to my mother, I took my sweet time being born.
Penny: How is that selfish?
Leonard: Apparently she had dinner reservations.

George Cooper Jr.: After all my sacrifices, guess which kid my mom is the most proud of.
Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's most proud of Sheldon, too.

- Yeah, Leonard's mother's already here.
- Oh, Beverly, how nice.
- You've met her, right?
- Yes, I have.
- Mother, she's an atheist, not a vampire.
- Either way, let's stop and get some garlic.

Sheldon: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

Sheldon: Fool me N times, where N is the number of times you've fooled me before, shame on you. Fool me N plus one times, shame on me.

Raj: Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Leonard: Uh, hang on. I'm about to beat Howard.
[Howard pauses the game]
Leonard: What? Hey!
Howard: What? He's our friend. What's up, pal?

Janine: That's it. All of you, in my office, now!
Sheldon: Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.

Sheldon: Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

Sheldon: Amy, I've already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don't need another one.

Leonard: For the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Wil: Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.

Penny: Aren't you always saying it's about the work, not more money or a better title?
Leonard: All the smart things I say, and you remember the dumb one.

[last lines]
Sheldon: You saw nothing!

[Penny enters]
Penny: Hi, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me!
[very long pause]
Penny: Nah, I'm sorry. Just screwin' with ya.

Bernadette: So everyone's happy and healthy?
Stuart: Well, that depends.
Bernadette: What's that mean?
Stuart: Uh... how many teeth did Halley have when you left?
Howard: All of them.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, that's-that's what I was afraid of.
Bernadette: What happened?
Stuart: Um, well, all right. Um, Michael had a little fever last night.
Bernadette: Michael had a fever?
Stuart: Do you want to hear about Halley or not?

[first lines]
Raj: Try to keep up, Howard; I'm killing it.
Howard: Yeah, I wish we looked this cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard: Don't worry, this is exactly how you look when you're dancing in clubs.

Leonard: Okay. Now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news.
Penny: We're engaged!
Raj: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily was going to be the big news.
[Bernadette, Amy and Howard hug Raj]
Leonard: Hey, hey. What the hell?
Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right!
[Penny and Leonard join the group hug]

- the words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
- That's actually my napkin.
- Oh, this is a nightmare!
- Where are you going?
- To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
- Gang way! Dead man walking!

- that Bert's success is not my failure.
- There you go!
- And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.
- There you go.
- What's up?
- I'm conducting a quick survey.
- Do you think this respectful and loving tribute to a great man is in poor taste?

[First lines]
Raj: This is nice. All my friends, hanging out, watching Ellen.It's like, what am I gonna do witih my other two wishes?
Amy: It's not nice. She's having on the scientists who are trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: Although I will enjoy watching her expose Pemberton and Campbell as the coattail riding frauds that they are.
Leonard: That is Ellen's brand, gotcha journalism.
Penny: You should have seen her take down John Krasinsky last week. Got him to admit he loved his wife. It was brutal.

Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
[the guys laugh at him]
Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.

Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon: He's right.
Amy: They're real.
Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.

Sheldon: [to female grad student] Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.
Howard: [to same grad student] Woof.

Officer: [taking Leonard's police report] Do you need me to call anyone? I'm guessing your moms?
Leonard: Thanks, we've got it covered.
Howard: [entering] Okay, I just talked to my mom.

Amy: An evening looking at the stars. That's still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I'd be alone.
Amy: I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.

Sheldon: It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!
Leonard: I'm on it.
[pulls out cell phone and dials]
Leonard: Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz, is Howard there? Okay, thanks.
[hangs up]
Leonard: That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.

Penny: Uh, Mr. Fowler, are you okay back there? Do you need more air?
Mrs. Fowler: [before he can say anything] He's fine. I'm surprised Amy didn't pick us up.
Penny: Oh, well, you know, she's pretty busy the day before her wedding.
Mrs. Fowler: Too busy for her mother? She used to be such a devoted daughter. Now she's just waiting for me to die so she can get my china.

Amy: Look, he may have been mean to you when you were kids, but you're both grown men now.
Sheldon: That's right. I'm a grown-up, and if I don't want to invite him to my wedding, then I won't.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Except I have to 'cause my mommy's making me.

Leonard: [Looking at offers from Sheldon's Kickstarter campaign] "For $50,000 I will examine your diet and create a customized bathroom schedule." That's fitting, 50 grand down the toilet.

Dr. George F. Smoot: [Receiving a box of cookies] Sheldon Cooper? Hmm.
[Tosses box in trash]
Kip: [Receives box from assistant] Sheldon Cooper? Pass.
Dr. Frances H. Arnold: [Opening box] Sheldon Cooper? Aw. Ugh, oatmeal raisin! Ugh!
[Tosses box in trash]

Sheldon: Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

- With a woman who may or may not want me to be happy...
- With the woman who is currently making me happy.
- Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: Yeah?
Sheldon: I still don't care.
- Hey, Leslie.
- Careful, Leonard. Liquid nitrogen,
- 320 degrees below zero.

- I think I need to just be your friend.
- Okay. I understand.
Sheldon: Good.
- Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I'm going to change my answer and eat spongebob.
[Shakily] Okay, sure.

- Like in the movies I saw growing up.
- You know, uh, 4 for Texas, yellow Rose of Texas.
- This neighborhood is more Texas chainsaw massacre.
- I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
- What can I tell you?
- They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass costco over there.

Bernadette: [They both walk into the back, to a couple already there] You! Out!
[They leave, she turns on Howard]
Bernadette: You are being very rude!
Howard: No I'm not. They're all being rude, and you're being rude.
Bernadette: Me? What did I do?
Howard: [Almost robotic imitation of Bernadette's voice] Oh Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.
Bernadette: [pause, then in a deeper voice, actually Melissa Rauch's real voice] I don't sound like that.

Raj: How are you?
Lucy: I'm pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an email.
Raj: And I ate all the crumb cake. We both make mistakes.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: I'm so happy you asked me here and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends... love making partners, whatever.
Lucy: Oh... um. I'm kind of seeing someone.
Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but to be clear; it's not me, right?

Leonard: I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions. He can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie: If by "eccentric" you mean passive-aggressive East-Texas blowhole, I agree.

Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.
Leonard: You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Sheldon: It's Penny's bedroom; plenty of men have gone before.
Penny: Now, now, there's no need to make this emotional.

Howard: [Howard comes up with a name for the band] Footprints on the Moon.
Raj: I just got chills.
Howard: So did I.
Stuart: Me too, but I, uh, might have Lyme disease.

Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.

Penny: [First lines; coming up to their table at the Cheesecake Factory] Hey! So are we ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in here every Tuesday at 6pm and it's now 6:08, your question not only answers itself, but also goes along with other non-sensical queries, like "Who let the dogs out?", or "How are they hanging?"
Penny: [Marking her order tablet] Ooookay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Sheldon: I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.

Sheldon: I'm sorry.
[Pats Leonard on the back]
Leonard: Did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?
Sheldon: [pause] No. That wouldn't be funny at all.
[Rips a paper off Leonard's back]

Sheldon: I guess that English study was right. One friend down. I wonder who's the next to go?
Raj: You! You are! It's you!
Sheldon: Nah, you love me.

Leonard: Should we talk to some of these women?
Howard: No, it's way too early in the night for that. See, first we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak and the old and the lame.
Leonard: That's your system?
Howard: That's my system. Oh, and if you spot a chick with a Seeing Eye dog, she's mine.

Leonard: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
Howard: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
Rajesh: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

Penny: Do you think Sheldon's gonna want some weird "Star Trek" wedding?
Bernadette: [distracted] I don't know.
Penny: Well, Leonard could barely finish the words "Doctor Who wedding cake" before I shut that down hard.
Bernadette: Mm-hmm.
Penny: Are you listening to me?
Bernadette: Yeah, you're mean to Leonard. I heard you.

Penny: So how are the wedding plans going?
Amy: We still can't decide on a location.
Penny: I thought you agreed on a cliff overlooking the beach.
Amy: Sheldon couldn't agree on which one. Some where too beachy, some were too cliffy.
Sheldon: And all of them were too outsidey.

Sheldon: If Hawking's theories are correct, all he'd prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. Me, I'm interested in the big questions.

Sheldon: I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.
Howard: Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon: Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.

Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri. And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes.

Raj: Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn't help if you look like one.

Howard: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.

Penny: Uh-oh, somebody's still pouting.
Leonard: Leave me alone.
Penny: If it's because you lost a stick, I know where it went.

Raj: I want to be something with sex appeal, like a Labradoodle.

Raj: You guys made a person.
Howard: [Putting his head on Bernadette's shoulder] We did.
Raj: [Putting his head on Bernadette's other shoulder] And I like to think I helped.
Howard: You didn't.

Howard: Hey, look, it's Dr. Stud.
Leonard: Doctor what?
Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Leslie Winkle making
[gibberish noises to imply sexual intercourse]
Leonard: Wha... how did it get on the Internet?
Howard: I put it there.
Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you were a magnificent beast.

Howard: Well, this party's a disaster.
Raj: Don't blame the party! You know how many favors I had to call in with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?
Howard: Is that Wonder Woman?
Raj: Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.

Sheldon: I can smell that food truck from up here.
Amy: Just close the window if you don't like the smell.
Sheldon: Of course I like the smell. It's salt and fat. My brain may be evolved, but my tongue still wants to pick up a club and drag that truck back to my cave.
Amy: So there's something you like, but it's also driving you crazy. Been there, doing it now.

Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
Howard: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

Leonard: Yes. How much for, uh, a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Yeah, I'll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. Just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Oh, come on; it's OK.
Penny: No, it's not OK. Look at me. OK. I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and still doing it. I can't quit because guess what, I can't do anything else. And I finally get ybig break and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
Leonard: No, you're not.
Penny: Really? Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.

Leonard: Listen, you don't have to wear the wig. At this party, we're gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl.

Howard: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Can't a guy hang out at a college he doesn't go to and stare at a baby that isn't his?

Sheldon: You guys forget, I'm from Texas, where we know how to settle a score. Don't ask me, ask Mexico.

Sheldon: [at Leonard's bedroom door]
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Leonard!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.

- Ahh.
- Something about Latin music...
- Makes me feel like I'm on a white sand beach in rio.
- Yeah?
- Sun, the waves, the beautiful bodies...
- Tanned and glistening with sweat.

Leonard: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
Raj: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
Raj: She won't notice them missing?
Howard: She doesn't know she takes them.

Amy: Let's pick a turtle. How about that one, on the log?
Sheldon: I don't know. He looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy: That one? He's hardly moving, he looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him too.

Bernadette: [about Howard's mother] We have jobs; we can't babysit her twenty-four hours a day.
Howard: If we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.

Howard: Just imagine, if he accepts the offer, we could have an entire summer without Sheldon.
Rajesh: We could play outside.
Howard: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Rajesh: Our dreams are small, aren't they?

Sheldon: [showing Leonard and Penny his audition tape] So, what do you think?
Amy: Well, I already told him that I loved it, but if you found it dangerous or confusing or, I don't know, three to four times too long, now is the time to share.
Penny: I... I don't know what to say. Leonard, do you know what to say?
Leonard: Sheldon, uh, I thought it, uh... it... it looked like you were having so much fun.
Sheldon: Hey! That's what you used to tell me to say to Penny after one of her terrible plays.
Penny: [hitting him] Hey!
Leonard: Hey!
Amy: Well, what was wrong with it? You know, did you find it... borderline psychotic? I mean, I liked that about it, but... you guys discuss.

Penny: [Howard demonstrates his robotic arm] That's amazing.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say amazing. At best, it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
[Howard types on his laptop; his robot arm swings around and extends its first two fingers]
Sheldon: Peace?
Howard: [intending something else] No, not peace. Hang on.

- How? -well, you... she...
- Her name's Ilsa.
- You know what?
- It's fine. Write whatever you want.
- And by the way, Logan Dean can tell everyone he's 5'8", but he's not fooling anybody!

Howard: Okay, I get it. I know how the world works. How 'bout if I were to introduce you... to the man who freed your people?
Althea: [shows a five-dollar bill] Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time!

- and nickel, neodymium neptunium, germanium everybody!
- And iron, americium ruthenium, uranium europium, zirconium lutetium, vanadium just the asians!
- And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

- They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
- They're gonna get beaten up at walgreens.
- Oh, sorry, Sheldon.
- I almost sat in your spot.
- Did you? I didn't notice.
- Have a chocolate.
- Thank you.

Leonard: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard: Well, she's free to inspect my briefs.
Leonard: Howard...
Howard: I know, I'm disgusting. I should be punished. By her. Oh, look, I did it again.

Sheldon: Are you all up on your yellow fever inoculations?
Howard: You don't need yellow fever shots to go to Mexico.
Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I had mine last year before going to EPCOT.

Amy: Hey, guys. See if you can guess this one.
[Mimes shooting herself in the head]
Amy: Bang! Splat! Thud!

Amy: You got me removed from my own project?
Sheldon: Yeah, and it wasn't easy. Apparently, you're very difficult to replace. Just between you and me, they consider Dr. Park quite the step down.
Dr. Park: I was trying to pick my moment to leave. This seems like it.

Dr. Stephanie Barnett: What do you say se get you home, put you to bed?
Leonard: Are you still gonna spend the night?
Dr. Stephanie Barnett: Uh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon: She's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.

- and then converting them into electrical impulses that can be used to control anything from wheelchairs to robots.
- Based on that ring on your finger,
- I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots. [Chuckles]
- Careful, that's my fiancé you're talking about and I can program him to hurt you.

Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?
Barry: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don't want tea. Wet's get down to bwass tacks.
Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...
Barry: We're not fwiends.
Sheldon: Well, that's a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman's office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
Barry: How about I take Wothman's office and you go suck a wemon?

Leonard: [sitting on the department store while the girls shop] This isn't so bad.
Sheldon: Easy for you to say. You' chair isn't facing the lingerie section. Boy that's a lot of panties!

Howard: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee: Sure, but can I ask you a question first?
Howard: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard: You mean Bernadette?
Katee: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard: I know, but she's not you.
Katee: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard: Really? Tall?
Katee: Six four.
Howard: Ouch.
Katee: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard: I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard: Don't remind me!
[he turns back to find Katee has disappeared]
Howard: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.

Leonard: Thought you were getting us dinner.
Penny: Sorry. I had to stop at Sheldon's and help him solve string theory.
Amy: [dumbfounded] What?
Penny: Yeah, turns out the answer's knots.
Leonard: That's cute, but you can't have knots in more than four dimensions.
Penny: [heading towards the bedroom] Mm... you can if you consider them sheets. Good night.

Penny: This girl is trouble! What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts, and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I ever had!

- So my kid said the funniest thing today.
- Nope.
- When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is "quirky."

Sheldon: My mother says that when we deceive for personal gain... we make Jesus cry.

- So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
- Why do you make everything filthy?
- Why couldn't you say the blog is like...
- Her giving me the key to her heart?
- "The key to her heart." Heh. That's nice.
- Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
- I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women: Sir Elton John.

Dimitri: Hey Fruit Loops, did you clean the space toilet?
Howard: Excuse me, I'm talking to my friends.
Mike: You know the rules. New guy scrubs the toilet.
Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.

[last lines]
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.
Sheldon: Okay.
[Sheldon jerks and laughs]
Sheldon: I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay.
[Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head]
Penny: Okay, yup, we're all done now.
[grabs the hand mirror]
Penny: Let me just take that away from you.
[removes towel from his shoulders]
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome.
[Sheldon leaves]
Penny: Yup, I'm going to have to move.

Sheldon: Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: It's right there.
Sheldon: Where is the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood.

Sheldon: Just put on your squeaky shoes and eee eee eee your way out of my life.

Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.
Leonard: Yeah, I don't remember that.
Sheldon: June 30th, 2004.

Amy: Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.

Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about 'awkward'?
Leonard: That sounds right. Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: Okay, uh, let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see. I am an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! The money's pretty good. And I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some *kind* of nerd". I am the king of nerds!
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, it means if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.

Sheldon: I think a birthday party's a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish... Year after year, I had to endure wearing comical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles. Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.

- I'm gonna have to learn a whole new bus route.
- Are you trying to soothe me by singing the
- Star Trek theme as a lullaby?
- Yes.
- I'm not a child, don't do that.
- Sorry.
- Do you know 2001: A space odyssey?

- But that's my room.
- All: But you won't be living here.
- Thank you for understanding.
- Hey, I get it.
- Everybody wants to spend more time with me.
- I'm like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.
- Good night.
- 'Night.

Raj: Hey, Howard, look. What's that?
Howard: Huh. Looks like someone's drone.
Raj: Oh, no. Do you think it was spying on us in the hot tub? 'Cause I'm only 40% of the way to my beach bod.

Penny: [about Kevin] He's cute, look at him with his dorky glasses and hipster shirts
Leonard: I wear dorky shirts and glasses
Penny: Yeah but when you're tall and have good cheekbones, you're doing it ironically

Penny: [to Sheldon and Howard at the bar] What are you guys doing here?
Howard: We're grown men. We drink at bars.
Penny: No, and no.

Howard: Close your eyes, put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. I'm not falling for that again.

Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.
Howard: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.
Howard: Yeah, I mean not like our wedding, beautiful.
Bernadette: No, we totally won.

- Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?
- You're about to enter the lab of the late Dr. David saltzberg.
- While conducting studies on slowing the aging process...
- There was a catastrophic accident, and he died.
- Ladies.
- Are you being polite or scared?
- Yep.

Howard: You might not want to get in the way of your Mom's happiness.

Barry: I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.
Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.
Barry: No, they're making us work together.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

[last lines]
Bernadette: [knocks on bathroom door] Howie, you doin' OK? You've been in there a while.
Howard: I'm fine. Be right out.
Howard: Am I an American hero? Oh, it's a good question, Jim. Don't you think that once an astronaut leaves the planet he's a hero to all the nations of the earth?
[toilet flushes]
Howard: Okey-dokey, I think I have time for one more question.

Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.

Stuart: You can throw all the French around you want, it doesn't make you right.
Sheldon: Au contraire.

George Cooper Jr.: [on the phone with a customer] Listen, I hear you. I know they're pricey, but these are the Dallas Cowboys of tires, okay? And we're talking the Troy Aikman Cowboys, not that pretty boy Tony Romo. All right! Good call. You won't regret it.
[hanging up]
George Cooper Jr.: Boom!
Leonard: Wow. That was impressive.
George Cooper Jr.: Yeah, well, it's easy when you love your product, and hate Tony Romo.

- What's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.
- That stupid, self-centered bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog.
- Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard.
- Thank you.
- Okay, where were we?
- Not now. I have a blog to find.

[last lines]
President: Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard: I didn't do it for the money.
President: Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj: Cool, buddy. That's awesome.
Howard: How was she?

Penny: Hey, Halley can't reach the liquor cabinet. Why did you baby-proof it?
Howard: How did you know that we did?

Yvette: Are you the owner?
Raj: Owner, father, and if something happens to her your worse nightmare!

Sheldon: Bernadette, it's your turn.
Bernadette: What about Greg?
Sheldon: All right, I'll just roll for you.
[he does so]
Sheldon: Ooh! That is a good one! Your troops' morale rating is pretty high. Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the assault. And I will just check the assault differential column. Ooh! Who said war was hell? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. Sherman said it.

Wil: [Outside his front door, Wil points to Howard] No.
[points to Raj]
Wil: No.
[points to Leonard]
Wil: No.
[points to Sheldon]
Wil: Hell no.

Leonard: [Looking at their invention journal] Boy, I haven't looked at these in years. Let's see... robot girlfriend...
Howard: That was mine.
Leonard: Robot prostitute...
Howard: Also mine.
Sheldon: I'm confused. Why would you have both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard: There are some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when Howard married Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.

Sheldon: The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender. Someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

Howard: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It's my TARDIS, from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
Bernadette: I think you just answered your own question.
Howard: Come on, one day this may double in value. It'd be worth half what I paid for it!

Sheldon: So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
Larry: You don't have to.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, Larry. Ooh. That doesn't sound right. Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.

Sheldon: [tasting Priya's non-Texan chili] Mm, this is good... whatever it is.

Howard: You're not even considering mine? Why, because they're PhDs and I'm just an engineer?
Leonard: No, because they wrote detailed proposals, and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy from Jerry Maguire saying, "Show me the money!"

Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?

Anu: So I told my mom she just needed to back off. This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I-I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but... this is my specialty.
Anu: [his phone buzzes] Someone texting you?
Raj: Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.
Anu: Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.
Raj: Oh, it's easy. I can do it for you. You're gonna love it. It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my "cheese of the month" club.
Anu: What did you do?
Raj: Well, nothing. I didn't want to piss it off. It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.

Sheldon: [to large man in jail cell] That's my spot.

- Kung pao chicken, please.
- Oh, boy.
- What?
- They cast the new professor proton.
- Is it Sheldon?
- Not exactly.
Sheldon: Wheaton!
- It's wil wheaton.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I don't understand what social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance in how to proceed.

- Howard, do you make a buttload?
- Better than what you've got a buttload of.
- If I roll down the windows in the car, everything's peachy.
- If you do it, you're still not a doctor.
- Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal.
- It helps, but everything is not peachy.

Sheldon: Consider this unlikely, but very plausible scenario: A young woman, alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Penny: Hey, wait a minute.
Howard: Hang on. Let's see where he's going.
Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? She has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend, Howard.
Howard: Hey, I...
Penny: Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Sheldon: She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh is it? Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
[everyone looks at Penny]
Penny: Oh great. You know what? I've already mooched dinner off you guys, I don't need to listen to this.
Howard: There's your answer, free food.

Sheldon: Cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention, or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now's the time.
Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?
Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone; I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.
Leonard: I was afraid he was going to eat me.

Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.
Leonard: Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there's this nose. I mean... What if he looks like me? Or worse... what if she looks like me?
Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything's going to change. Howard won't be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment. Yeah, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.
Howard: how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: Yeah, I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.

Mary: I remember one summer when he was 13. He built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government come by and sat him down real gentle and told him it's against the law to have yellow-cake uranium in a shed.
Penny: What happened?
Mary: Well, poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard: A death ray?
Mary: Well that's what he called it. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end.

Leonard: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard: Seriouly?
Howard: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.

Penny: Hey, Bernie, it's me. I let myself in.
Bernadette: [sitting on the stairs] Hey.
Penny: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.
Bernadette: That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last forty-five minutes.
Penny: Here, let me help you.
Bernadette: [Penny helps her stand up] Yeah. If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.

Penny: You need a break?
Leonard: I do not need a break.
Penny: There's no shame in asking for a break.
Leonard: If I need a break,
- I'll ask for a break!
- Leonard?
- Yeah?
- There's a tree on you.

Raj: I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj: Well, that's her fault, not mine!

Sheldon: That's a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. But you eat it; you're married; it doesn't matter what you look like.
Penny: Don't take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.

- The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas...
- And the blue viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
- You may wanna put on slacks.
- What?
- Ew! Stop it. No. Leave me alone.
- Who's running the red corvette?
- That would be me.

- I don't think I can go much longer.
- It's been three and a half minutes, wake up.

Sheldon: [Knock knock knock] Mrs. Davis?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon: Guess who?
Janine: Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: [Knock knock knock] That's right. Good job.

- Well, it's really not that fancy.
- It's just a city college.
- Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
- That doesn't matter to me at all.
- So it's fine with you if I'm not smart?
- Absolutely.
- Okay, this time,
- I know where I went wrong.
- Bite me.

Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?
Sheldon: I'll do it.
Professor: He's not a relative. He's not allowed, right?
Paramedic: No, it's not a rule. He can go.
Sheldon: Oh yes!
Professor: I can't catch a break today.

[a comment Penny made has given Leonard second thoughts about going on the Arctic expedition]
Sheldon: Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable.
Leonard: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard: Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn't miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.

Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag.

Sheldon: I think you're defining "bread" very loosely. If we go down that road, where does it end?
Amy: Well, I would say when we go to bed, but you talk in your sleep.
Sheldon: I don't want to get into this with you right now. We'll talk about this when I'm asleep.
Amy: [as they argue, Leonard, Penny, and Raj leave] I don't want to talk about when you're asleep. How come we can't talk about it now?
Sheldon: Well, because I'm eating now.
Amy: Fine. How's your moo shoo?
Sheldon: You know what? It's great.
[picking up his food]
Sheldon: Wait, look at that. Hmm. Well, maybe the Chinese did invent the sandwich. I guess you were right.
Amy: [seeing everyone is gone] Too bad no one's around to hear it.

- I'm your idiot. Forever.
- So listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in silver lake...
- Then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith park...
- But Leonard's talking about a big d and d game at his place.
- Saturday night just went from crazy to epic.
- Raj esh: Woo-hoo!

- The smell makes me nauseated.
- Do whatever you want.
- Thank you. That's very gracious.
- Gentlemen?
Howard: Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did...
- And get penny a new boyfriend?
- My leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.

Penny: How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard: Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: Yes, you can.

Leonard: I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard: Yeah, so? Be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound "stress release".

- But I haven't decided yet.
- You'll have to come back tomorrow.
- The registers are closed.
- Let's get you some food.
- You'll feel better after you eat.
- Okay.
- What do you want like, Thai food?
- A burger?
[Screaming] I don't know!

- Hey, guys, guess who's back from space.
- All: Not now!
- Oh, ow! Blueberry in my nose!
- Blueberry in my nose!
- Snort it down and keep eating!

Leonard: Sheldon, you need to apologize to your brother.
Sheldon: [condescending] I'm sorry?
Leonard: [pointing at George] Yes. Like that, but nicer, and that way.
Sheldon: I have nothing to apologize for.
George Cooper Jr.: I told you this was a bad idea. Sometimes you can't patch a tire. You just got to buy a new one. Actually, that's always the case. Never patch; buy new.

[Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place]
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon: Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.

Sheldon: Can you believe they said I was just like Edison? Yeah, and in front of a lady, no less.
Amy: Well, you are building on their work and taking the credit for it. That's a classic Edison move.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm Edison and you love me, then what does that say about you?
Amy: I honestly don't know.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, I have to Google some stuff about Mrs. Edison. I'll be right back.

- Mrs. Davis, nice to see you.
- You know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.
- Okay.
- So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable.

Leonard: Why is your screen name John Williams?
Raj: Because I always score.

Leonard: [Playing jump rope with some girls] Remember, girls! You decide what makes you happy, not your emotionally withholding mothers!

Priya: I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard: You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for... inspection.

Penny: Wow, look at us. Our first Thanksgiving together as husband and wife.
Leonard: Yeah. I feel so grown up.
Penny: Honey, you are grown up.
Leonard: How many adults do you know that have Mr. Spock oven mitts?

Penny: You know if you had a party now you have plenty of friends who would love to come.
Leonard: And we live here so we have no choice.
Penny: Yeah.

Leonard: In my family, holidays weren't so much celebrated, as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
Leonard: Hm, in a way. We presented papers. And then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house, they induced neighborhood-wide seizures.

[first lines]
Raj: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard: Aaw.
Sheldon: Come on.
Raj: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
[laughs]
Amy: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

- It can be. Confetti fight!
- Maybe you should take a break. I got this.
- Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?
- Interesting, and when would you use the singular?
- I'm glad you asked.
- Amy, you have a confetto in your nose.
- No, no, no, other side. There you go.

Bernadette: I guess you could stay for a few days, and we'll see how it goes.
Stuart: Thank you. And it's only temporary; just 'til I get back on my feet. Or the baby goes off to college - whichever happens first.

Sheldon: [Scoffing at Penny] Not knowing is part of the fun! What is that the motto of your community college?

- and not like a body they just pulled out of the river.
- All right, here we go, and... smile.
- Okay. That one's in the bank.
- How about this? Turn away, and then turn back into it.
- But when you do, imagine the camera is the girl you want to meet.
- You got it.

[first lines]
Sheldon: What a wonderful day; thank you.
Penny: Oh, we're glad you had fun
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,
[points to his head]
Sheldon: I'm 90.

Sheldon: [Sheldon shows Penny the tie hanging from Leonard's doorknob] What does it mean?
Penny: Oh come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.

- Is it a surprise party?
- Oh, I hope it's not a west coast party.
- 'Cause according to the man on the radio, a west coast party don't stop.
- I'm sorry I mentioned it.
- Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up,
- I knock them down, that's called teamwork.

Mary: Let me straighten your tie.
Sheldon: No, no, no, it's all right. It's supposed to be a little asymmetrical. Apparently, a small flaw somehow improves it.
Mary: I can see that. Sometime's it's the... imperfect stuff that makes things perfect.
Sheldon: [a thought strikes him] Excuse me.
[he hurries out of the room]
Mary: Case in point.

Stuart: [negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword] 225. That's my final offer.
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Take it, take it, take it!
Leonard: 200.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can't breathe!

- And I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
- I don't know what to tell you,
- Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, penny, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's you. I touched you.
- Happy Valentine's day.

- Get out.
- I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding...
- Of an internal-combustion engine...
- I'm not sure
- I'm capable of performing diagnostics.
- I said, "get out."
- Okay, I'll give it a shot.

[last lines]
Emily: So, I hear you guys have been playing a little game.
Howard: Well, um, we were just kidding around.
Emily: Well, you may think it's funny that Raj is sweet and sensitive, but I think it's sexy.
[kisses Raj]
Emily: Ugh, why is there dog hair in your mouth?

Penny: Look, I started a business.
Sheldon: Obviously not a cleaning business.

Leonard: [addressing a class of graduate students] So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
[students applaud]
Leonard: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon: [In closet] Forget it.
Leonard: Excuse me.
[opening door to closet]
Leonard: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon: [Coming out] Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.

Leonard: Did you hear about this research on gene manipulation that's trying to create some sort of dinosaur-like chicken?
Sheldon: I think that sounds wonderful.
Howard: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and birds.
Sheldon: Yes, but you tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.

Sheldon: Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

- So you're saying that I'm touching a stranger's underpants?
- Yes.

Sheldon: Save all chatting for your break, and FYI, there will be no breaks.

- Where are you going?
- Going home.
- Where I won't be interrogated like a criminal.
- I forgot my fortune cookie.
- In case either of you have larceny in your heart...
- You should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.
- But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of 503 in green lantern's ass.

- What happened?
- I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.
- Why would you do that?
Sheldon: It's called scientific curiosity.
- Now go get butter.
- Okay, okay. Hang in there.
- I'll be right back.

Sheldon: Well, this is very exciting, and I wanted you to be among the first to know...
Barry: [passing by] Hey, Cooper, I hear you're gonna be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Barry: My pweasure.
Sheldon: My thank-you was not sincere.
Barry: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question. At what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the barrel for its guests? Eeh-eeh. Don't answer. It's rhetorical.

Bernadette: [at the urologist's with Howard] You doing okay?
Howard: No, I'm very nervous.
[seeing another patient hobble out moaning, Howard stands up to leave]
Bernadette: Where are you going?
Howard: Gift shop.
Bernadette: There is no gift shop. Sit down.
[he sits down]
Bernadette: This was your idea.
Howard: So was having sex, and look where that got us.
Bernadette: This isn't a big deal. Stop whining.
Howard: When you were in labor and I said that, you kicked me.

Leonard: You clearly did something to aggrevate her!
Sheldon: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.

Sheldon: What happened?
Penny: Your little buddy got mugged by a bunch of baby farm animals.
Sheldon: Been there.

- There, there.
- Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
- No, I'd rather sit on this freezing floor, sobbing like a 3-year-old.
- All right, then.
- For god's sake.
- Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Leonard: Why did you eat dinner with us?
Sheldon: I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
Sheldon: Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.

- Where are you going?
- Come back, lovey dovey.
- This is your home now.
- I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon.
- He's gone.
- I'm sorry, Sheldon.
- How could he do this to me?
- Get back here you stupid bird so I can love you!

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a *highly* sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard: Graduate work? Very impressive.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And he's only 15 years old.
Sheldon: Not bad. I, myself, started graduate school at 14.
Dennis: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.
Leonard: [to Sheldon] Advantage: Kim.

Alex: I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's assistant. Can I help you?
Amy: I'd like to speak to Sheldon.
Alex: I'm sorry. He asked me to hold all calls unless you're Stephen Hawking, his mother, or himself from the future.

Howard: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and twenty degrees.
Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it's a firmware problem.

Amy: This is so exciting. Soon, my upper lip will be the same fake blonde as my beautiful best friend.
Penny: Hey! This is my natural hair color... now.

- I brought my own.
- You stopped and got him takeout?
- I had no choice.
- He kept kicking the back of my seat.
- Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
- Well, now don't you feel silly?
- Show him the closet.

Leonard: And what's it called when you secretly get rid of all your husband's stuff?
Penny: Wha-? That is not true!
Leonard: Well, Bernadette told Howard; Howard told me. Plus I can see all my stuff is gone.
Penny: Oh, so you believe your friend and your friend's wife and your own eyes over me? Wow!

Sheldon: They're still having girls' night across the hall.
Leonard: So, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
Sheldon: At our age, why don't we call it man's night?
Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.

Penny: Think of yourself as one of those limited-edition toys people like to collect.
Sheldon: I already do.
Penny: Well then, you get it.
Sheldon: Oh, because there's only one of me, I'm more valuable.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Although, Amy's already taken me out of my package and played with me.

[last lines]
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered what the Hulk would be like if he were made of sherbet?
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Delicious.

[Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant]
Penny: Are you OK ?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I'm not OK!

Sheldon: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
Leonard: That doesn't make it true.
Sheldon: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.

Raj: I found her boarding pass in her purse. It's totally her.

Sheldon: As a male I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA, and restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
Amy: We sleep together once a year; you want other partners?
Sheldon: Don't blame me; blame your pal Biology. He's the pervert pulling the strings here.
Amy: You want to see other people? Go see other people.
Penny: Hope one of those people is a monkey, 'cause this is bananas.

- She's upset.
- Look, it's gonna be a great wedding.
- Look at you in your little suit.
- Amy's upset? Is it about me?
- No, I think it's because we're eloping.
- Your marriage is causing her pain?
- Yeah, great, I take it back.
- Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie: Because first-rate minds call you dumbass?

Sheldon: Knock Knock.
Leonard: Who's there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi...
Sheldon: Muon!

Bernadette: Hey, I learned a long time ago when you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
Penny: That's funny; I learned something totally different.

Sheldon: Wait.
[hands Leonard a measuring cup]
Sheldon: Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.

[first lines]
Leonard: How's your mom holding up?
Howard: She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many is that now?
Howard: Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.
Bernadette: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So, who's watching her now?
Howard: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.

Amy: [proposing her gossip experiment] Are you familiar with meme theory?
Sheldon: I'm familiar with everything, but go on.

Howard: Well, that's perfect. I mean, the one thing I thought I could do with my son, I can't even do that right.
Sheldon: Well, if you want to see it again, I got it on video. Looks pretty cool in slow motion.
Howard: Thank you for your support.
Sheldon: You're welcome.
Howard: I was being sarcastic.
Sheldon: How dare you!
Howard: Sheldon, what am I gonna do? I mean, what do I know about raising a boy?
Sheldon: What do you know about raising a girl?
Howard: Oh, my god, you're right.
Sheldon: Well, I don't know if that was sarcasm or not. So either "You're welcome" or "Hey!".

- that the fundamental particles we see in three dimensions are actually strings embedded in multidimensional space-time.
- Interesting.
- So that would mean, that...
- Can't do this by myself, buddy.

Sheldon: [to Penny] You hypocrite! Miss "grown-ups don't play with toys!" If I went into your apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And just who is that Japanese feline frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!

Penny: I know you think I'm being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot!
Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.
Leonard: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.
Sheldon: He does that to me too. Why do we put up with it?
Leonard: Listen. I could never do what you're doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it's scary for me too.
Sheldon: I'm fine with it.
Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.

Howard: [Raj keeps rattling off names, and Howard has had enough] WILL YOU JUST LET IT GO ALREADY?

- Hmm, I know. It's really making me lose respect for both of them.
- Please just go to the store.
- Fine.
- Who wants to drive me to the store?
- Raj: Me! Stuart: I'll do it!
- Take raj.
- Stuart is supposed to paint my toenails.

George Cooper Jr.: You want me at your wedding, all you gotta do is ask nicely.
Sheldon: Georgie.
George Cooper Jr.: George.
Sheldon: [groaning] I would like you at my wedding.
George Cooper Jr.: Thank you, Sheldon. That is so nice to hear. But I would rather swallow a pregnant wildcat and crap out a litter of kittens.

Raj: I read that in Los Angeles raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars! Gah. It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.

[first lines]
Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Morning.
Howard: [reads Post-It note on the coffee maker] "We"? What is this?
Bernadette: I don't know; maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: "Continued on milk".
[opening fridge]
Howard: If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast it didn't work for my mom and it won't work for you.
[reads note]
Howard: "Are". We are..."See spoons for more."
Bernadette: What could it be? We are Groot? We are the champions? We are family; I got all my sisters with me.
Howard: [reads the third note] Are you serious?
Bernadette: Yeah.

Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
Octavia: [approving his permit] Here's your learner's permit. Go away.
Sheldon: But I'm not done. I... I have many additional concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Don't make me climb over this counter.
Penny: [leading Sheldon away] All right, come on. Come on.
Octavia: Next!
Sheldon: Aced it.

Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.

Penny: [meeting Sheldon in the hallway] I'm sorry... look, do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

- Why are you speaking klingon?
- Why are you speaking English?
- This is ridiculous.
- Penny, do you remember when I taught you ubbi-dubbi?

Bernadette: Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?
Howard: Harry? Like Potter or Houdini.
Bernadette: It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?
Howard: Okay. How 'bout Al or Max or... Ted or Kevin?
Bernadette: Same answer.

Ramona: You're not going to Halo night.
Sheldon: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
Ramona: Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
Sheldon: He did.
Ramona: And who was that great man?
Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard: Seriously? You're not coming?
Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?

Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!

Penny: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: [covering his mouth] Unclean! Unclean!
Penny: What?
Leonard: He thinks you're sick.
Penny: Oh. Should we tell him?
Leonard: Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.
Penny: Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Penny: I'm pregnant, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're right, I can't catch that.
[returning to his seat]
Sheldon: Good news, Amy. She's just pregnant.

Penny: Thank you so much for your stupid advice!
Raj: Incredible. You've managed to screw up the screw-up.

Penny: [planning weekend to Vegas] I'll check flights.
Bernadette: I'll check hotels.
Amy: I'll check my underpants. I'm so excited, I think I peed.

Sheldon: [Arriving in Bozeman, Montana] That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!
Young: Uh, help you with your bag, sir?
Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite! And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
[Man runs off with Sheldon's bags]
Sheldon: Wait!
[Runs out]
Sheldon: Wait! Excuse me!
[Returns and goes to ticket counter]
Sheldon: One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

Penny: [Referring to her underwear] How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon: Apologize.
Penny: Never!
Sheldon: Well, then, may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

- No.
- Formal protest.
- All right. "Singer who sang
- 'oops!...I did it again'?"
- Okay.
- "Tweety bird thought he saw a what?"
- Romulan.
- Yes. He thought he saw a romulan.

Leonard: So, listen, Do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of General Relativity and Hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that, and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow! Hawking, good for you!
Leonard: Well, it is. Just, you know, I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long?
Leonard: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: Couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking'll just roll overboard?
Leonard: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah. And... I'm a little worried, because things between us have been *so* great, and I'd hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Well, sweetie, if you're going to screw things up it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They're forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: He said it's why they hired me, i-it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do things they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That's a rude thing to say... out loud.

- But, what... what about Amy?
- Oh! Uh...
- She liked it fine.
- Yeah, but she doesn't have the history with the franchise I do.
- Okay.
- Good... good talk.

Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!
Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you're welcome.
Sheldon: [Knocking from inside Amy's apartment] Amy! Amy! Amy! Let's wrap things up out there!
Amy: Umm... Good night Stuart!
Stuart: Good night!
[They hug]
Sheldon: Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!

Howard: [about the military] They're going to make us disappear! Like *every* American Idol after season 4!

Penny: You're from Texas. You're supposed to stand up and defend the honor of your woman folk.
Sheldon: Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple, rustic upbringing. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is "Ernest Goes to Jail" the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.

Katee: Hello Howard, I've missed you.
Howard: I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.
Katee: One question.
Howard: Anything.
Katee: Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?
Howard: Why are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart.
Katee: Sorry. Oh ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you.
Howard: Okay, if you insist,
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] Howard! Have you seen my girdle?
Howard: [shouting] No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting] I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: [shouting] Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone!

Bernadette: What is going on with you?
Howard: I'm sharing my pain.
Bernadette: And I'm not buyin' it. Try again.
Howard: I'm learning to be a man in a culture where it's increasingly difficult to know how?
Bernadette: Strike two!

Mrs. Wolowitz: Over my dead body my son goes into outer space!

- You know what, I'm proud of us.
- You know, with penny and Leonard taking in raj, and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we're the only couple of our social group who doesn't need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.
- Yeah, we're killing it.

- We can't let them choose, Leonard, they're children.
- Wait, where are you going?
- I'm sorry.
- I could've accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream...
- Or ever get a good view of a parade.
- But this? This is a deal breaker.

Mary: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.

Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?
Sheldon: It's one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don't find repellent.

Bernadette: I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

Amy: This isn't gonna make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.
Sheldon: Although, some day, if that kid want's to know why he's short, near-sighted, and asthmatic, he may hunt you down.

Sheldon: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
Raj: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.

Raj: So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.
Sheldon: That's a great idea. I've got it! We'll call it Cooper.
Raj: How is that both our names?
Sheldon: "Koo" from Koothrappali and "per" from Cooper.
Raj: Yeah, so it's, like, Kooper with a "K"?
Sheldon: Nah, you're right, that's dumb.

- to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?
- Oh, not just him, you're coming, too.
- Oh, and how do you think you're going to get me to do that?
- Unhand me! This is ridiculous!
- I told you to put tape on his mouth.
- And I told you he bit me.

Howard: I should have brought peanuts.
Sheldon: You can't eat peanuts. You're allergic. If you die, who's going to drive me home?
Howard: I'm not gonna eat them. It's a thing they do at JPL. When the Ranger mission finally had a successful launch, there were peanuts in the room. Ever since then, they have them at every launch.
Sheldon: That sounds like a silly supersition.
Howard: It's more of a tradition.
Sheldon: Oh! I do love a tradition. Pull over at the next peanut store.
Howard: I don't think that's a real thing.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be pedantic. Any nut store will do.
Howard: I... I don't think we can get peanuts out here.
Sheldon: Ah, well, then this whole day's ruined.
Howard: Now that I think about it, maybe it is more of a superstition.
Sheldon: Whew! That was close.

Penny: Leonard, I can't go home. I have to be there for Amy.
Leonard: Yeah. I was thinking that, too. As angry as I am at Sheldon, I still want to see him win that medal.
Penny: You know, it's so strange. No matter how thoughtless and selfish he is, I still love him.
Leonard: If you think about it, he has kind of been our practice kid.
Penny: Like when you make pancakes and the first one comes out a little wonky.
Leonard: The university prefers "quirky".

Howard: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.

- Do or do not, there is no try.
- Heh. Did you just quote star wars?
- I believe I quoted empire strikes back.
- Ha, ha. Oh, my god.
- I am lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
- I love you, penny.

Mr. Rostenkowski: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Well, I'm drunk.

Penny: We could go horseback riding.
Amy: Oh, I can't. My hips can't open any wider than 22 degrees. Once I rode a very thin pony. First jump, popped right off.

Sheldon: My mother was in bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound, coming from my parents' bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Penny: Oh, that's awful.
Sheldon: I know. It's also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean the first one's traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.

- You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative.
- But your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
- Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
- No. You squandered your time with me and the moment has now passed.
- Feast on your disappointment...
- Much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Bernadette: Do you actually see you and Sheldon getting married some day?
Amy: Not just some day, in exactly 4 years. But don't tell Sheldon, he's still a flight risk.

Mrs. Latham: I'll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on?
Leonard: Coffee maker?

Amy: I'm so sore; I don't think I slept two minutes last night.
Penny: [Penny grins] Yeah, get it, girl.
Amy: It's not what you think.
Leonard: [Leonard enters] I feel like I pulled something. Why didn't you tell me to stop?
Penny: Even more not what you think.

Sheldon: Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.

Leonard: I don't know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: I went out with this one guy, T.J., for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don't even know what T.J. stands for.
Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn't talk, then... Never mind, stupid question.

Penny: Happy Valentines Day!
Leonard: Flowers and chocolates? You trying to get me out of my panties?
Penny: Don't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. Came that way when I bought it.
Leonard: I got you a little something too.
[Gives Penny a jewelry box]
Penny: Oh my. Jewelry.
[Opens box]
Penny: Oh, my God. Lakers' tickets!
Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aww! You are the best boyfriend ever!
Leonard: Thank you, seriously, please don't make me go.

Sheldon: [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.

- So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.
- How about a 3D tactile communicator rigged for cross-sensory transposition?
- Exactly what I expected. Two people forcing their ideas on me, and only one gentleman...
- Who bothered to ask me what my thoughts were. You two are out.
- Congratulations, Leonard.
- You're on the team.
- My mommy raised a gentleman.

Howard: Well, turns out I had already met the girl Raj is seeing, when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.

Penny: No, Mom. It's the same guy I've been going out with for the last two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it's complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right. Tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. Right. Bye.

Leonard: [Leonard is playing a video game, sloppily spread on the couch. He belches] Damn. I burped so hard, I died in my game.

- Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities.
- We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
- I'm going to my room.
- Very good, Leonard.
- But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.

Penny: [Leonard brings her breakfast in bed] Leonard, it's 8 a.m. That's like the middle of the night!

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

- You gave me your word.
- You're coming with me.
- We'll miss you, Sheldon.
- Yeah? Well, who wants to spend the whole weekend...
- Running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters?
- That's for babies.
- Yeah, but it's got iightsabers.
- Yeah. Please, Amy, it's got iightsabers.

Penny: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. I don't want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It's not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn't have to take that.

Penny: Wanna do yoga with me?
Leonard: Let me have some coffee first, so I can have the strength to tell you how much I don't want to do that.

- So what do you say?
- Oh, what choice do I have? You need me.
- I'm like the crankshaft of this team.
- That's a turbo.
- Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy.
- I'm gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.

Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard had made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Galliffrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.

Bernadette: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me, Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker. The worst part was, it was too big.
Amy: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.

- I'd like to know if you'd be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler.
- Amy Farrah Fowler.
- Yes, that is a girl's name.
- Good grief, it's like trying to talk to a dolphin.
- Really?
- This is gonna decide who's the hero and who's the sidekick?

Penny: I don't know what succubus is, but it has "suck" in it, so that can't be good.

Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it's better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

Leonard: Hey, we're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.
Denise: Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.
Penny: Ugh. That sucks.
Denise: Sucks for her. I'm playing paintball.

- You know exactly what I need.
- Fine.
[Singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty, sleepy kitty purr, purr, purr that's nice.
- Now, in German.

Sheldon: I just learned some distressing news. Amy sometimes doesn't do things because it would hurt my feellings.
Howard: First of all, it's not sometimes, its always.
Raj: Second, it's not just Amy, it's everyone.
Howard: And third, it's not news, it's well established.

Leonard: We're not ready to hang out as friends
Penny: I don't know, up until the last part I was really enjoying take charge Leonard, knew what you wanted, picking the movie even a little cocky
Leonard: Then maybe I'm putting sex back on the table
Penny: Maybe I like that
Leonard: If that's what you like, I can be that guy, I can be anything you want
Penny: Goodnight Leonard
Leonard: [to himself] I am such an asthmatic dumbass

Amy: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The wedding just reminds me of my kind of-sort of-girlfriend 9000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kind-of sort-of boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

Leonard: [surprised] Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.
[he takes a drink]
Sheldon: Jeepers, that's yucky!
Leonard: Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?

Leonard: Of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon: If he understands that, you're in trouble.
Kurt: So, what? I'm unevolved?
Sheldon: You're in trouble.

Sheldon: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument"? "Nary"?
Sheldon: Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.

Sheldon: So, it wasn't a joke and I actually could have met him.
Leonard: He's probably still there.
Sheldon: What hotel?
Leonard: La Quinta Inn, Thousand Oaks, under the name Hernandez.
Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much.
Leonard: [after Sheldon leaves] April Fools.

- And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth.
- Like mommies and daddies do.
- Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Amy?
- Amy? Did you hear what I said?
- Can't talk, in the zone.

Howard: Since you really, really want to go, I'll stay here.
Bernadette: Oh great.
Howard: Unless you don't want to, because I was right and I do know you.
Bernadette: Well, if you really know me, then you know how far I'll go to prove a point.
Howard: Apparently 34000 feet that way, then straight back down, up and down, over and over again until you throw up food you didn't even eat.

Howard: [referring to Sheldon and Amy] Are they acting strange?
Leonard: I don't think they're acting

Leonard: You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there's the difference.

Howard: [Inspecting the broken drawer through Raj's phone] I think you broke the dowels. You're not going to have time to glue it back on, you'll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: [Excited] She does!
Howard: Great! Neither of those, TRY A HAMMER!

[Sheldon is excusing himself from Wil Wheaton to talk with Amy]
Sheldon: I'll be right back.
[hands Wil a Wesley Crusher action figure]
Sheldon: Feel free to play with yourself.

Mary: Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.

- I mean, she has absolutely no standards.
- This one time, she was at...
- Where's Howard?
Howard: Bonjour, mademoiselle.
- I understand you're new in town.
- Oh, good grief.

- If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and penny finally...? You know.
- Howard.
- I don't care...
- But my genitals wanted me to ask.
- Tell your genitals what I do with penny is none of their business.
- He says they didn't do it.
- Sheldon, over here.

Howard: I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.
Leonard: You do that too?
Howard: Oh, yeah, how do you think I stay this thin?

Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
[Sees Howard with an eyepatch]
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
[Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back]
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
[Exits]
Howard: Ow.

- Does he know you're dating Sheldon?
- I guess it hasn't come up.
- There you go.
- And does Sheldon know you're dating Sheldon?
- I'm sorry. Who are you dating?
- Yeah, knock it off, Howard!

Bernadette: Oh, Howie! A little star. It's beautiful! Put it on me.
Howard: Okay. But I'm gonna have to get it back from you, so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette: My God!
Howard: Take that, every guy who's ever bought you anything!

Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.

Raj: Oh, my god. Is that Mark Hamill?
Howard: Yeah.
Bert: Oh, my god. Is that...
Raj: [cutting him off] Bert, go find your seat!

Leonard: Do you really think we would drift apart if we really became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress if I had to move you'd just come with me.
Leonard: I got a chance to be a tenured professor I might not have that much chose where I end up.
Penny: Yea, but if I become a successful actress we wouldn't need the money.

Sheldon: I'm the lead author.
Leonard: Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.

Sheldon: During the seven month trip to Mars, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor. Leonard, could you check to see if there is still peanut brittle in that can?
Leonard: You mean this suspicious looking can over here?
Sheldon: Yes. Open it and check.
[Leonard opens can]
Leonard: I don't get it. There actually is peanut brittle in here.
[Sheldon throws a pie in Leonard's face]
Leonard: Please go to Mars.

Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy has been Tetris and mail-order brides.

- And your penis would droop like a Willow tree.
- You seen Sheldon?
- No.
- Is he still mad about the super collider?
- Yeah, he thinks I betrayed him.
- What would you guys do if you were me?
- I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
- Seriously?
- Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.

Raj: There's about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don't you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies?
Sheldon: I'm on it. Hey, look at that: an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fellow.

Raj: You want me to work with you.
Sheldon: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Raj: Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: *For* me.

Raj: [Penny calls Missy to come to the door] Thank you. I apprec... apprec... appre... uh oh.
Penny: Oh honey, is your medication wearing off?
[Raj nods]
Missy: Well, hi cutie pie. I was hopin' you'd show up.
[Raj is only able to emit high-pitch squeals]

Leonard: I thought your father paid all your credit cards.
Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.
Sheldon: What kind of emergency happened at the LA Zoo?
Raj: That's a penguin I sponsor. They're losing their homes to global warming and my car gets like seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.

Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.

Amy: Ah, well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she's on the no-fly list, and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy: I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger; I mean, that's Vegas - you nailed it.

Penny: Kim, the night manager, went on maternity leave, and her husband's name is Sandy. So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
[chortling]
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: I know. What are the odds? Oh.
Sheldon: Easily calculable. We begin by identifying the set of couples with unisex names. We eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work: the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next, we look at the...
Leonard: Sheldon. It's an amazing coincidence. Can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Oh, Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it's as if you don't think I'll punch you.

[Softly] I'm gonna need a minute.
[Squealing] That's Mark Hamill!

Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: [Looks shocked] Oh.
Leonard: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie.

Sheldon: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light's broken.
Sheldon: Is there a "check the check engine light light"?

[Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]
Sheldon: [bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.
Leonard: You have a will?
Sheldon: Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.
Leonard: Will Wil want it?
Wil: Wil won't.

Leonard: Some people might say it's good that Priya and I are trying to make things work long distance. They would say things like "Your love is stronger than the miles between you".
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

- It won't change how I feel about you.
- Thanks, honey, but I can't quit.
- If I do, I'djust be a guy...
- Who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
- Is there anything I could do to help?
- Wait. Send more underwear.

Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.
Penny: No, no, you don't; you really don't. I can't actually say don't enough

Wil: Time for Professor Proton's science joke of the day. Why can you not trust atoms?
Sheldon: Hmmm.
Wil: Because they make up everything.

Penny: Sheldon's not here.
Leonard: Well he is here.
[Points to his head]
Leonard: So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller there's nothing I can do about it.

Howard: We're in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why? Is Leonard okay?
Howard: Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don't need your attitude. Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard: Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay. How about this? You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
[Howard remains silent, unsure what he just heard]
Howard: Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done.
[Howard hangs up and pulls the peanut-filled granola bar out of his back pocket]
Howard: [to his groin] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

[Leonard is asking Penny to set Howard up with one of her friends]
Penny: You mean you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Leonard: Well... I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up *before* sex. *During*, I was trying to remember what I read on Google.

Sheldon: I was just sitting at home, thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.
Stuart: Ninth?
Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.

[last lines]
Leonard: Can I have a snow cone?
Sheldon: Sure.
Leonard: This is pretty good. What flavor is this?
Sheldon: Guess.
Leonard: Papaya?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Guava?
Sheldon: You're so close.
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Mango caterpillar.
[Leonard does a spit take and throws the snow cone in the garbage]
Sheldon: What are you doing!
[Leonard storms out]
Sheldon: You said you liked it.

Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard: I'll take my chances.
Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Amy: What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?
Amy: Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon: She's right. I'm too hot.

Leonard: So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.
Dr. David Underhill: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.
Dr. David Underhill: Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: [laughs] That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.

Leonard: [handing out Chinese take-out food] Let's see: Raj was the Kung Pao chicken...
Penny: I'm the dumplings.
Howard: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard: Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
Howard: That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. And I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: [pointing to a chair] Sit over there.

Sheldon: Euclid avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice.
[Penny glares at Sheldon]
Sheldon: But you have the con.

- I didn't think I'd ever have a girlfriend, and I was positive you never would.
- How come I wasn't part of this deal?
- You had left the refreshment stand...
- In order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.
- So that's how it works? I have a teeny bladder and I don't get a hot girlfriend?
- Yeah, raj, that's how it works.
- Damn.

- I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment.
- Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl...
- It will remain there forever.
- You're bluffing.
- Are you willing to risk it?
- Curse you.

Penny: Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.

- Please join us.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
- So, Alex, what's the topic of your dissertation?
- I'm looking for trojan asteroids at earth's I-5 lagrange point.
- Oh. That happens to be Dr. Koothrappali's field of expertise.
- You two have a lot to talk about.
- Is that true?

Amy: Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay? I'm upset, too.
Sheldon: I mean, I was so sure we were right. Every fiber of my being felt like this was it. This was the one. How can I trust my instincts anymore?
Amy: Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
Amy: Doesn't it? I've always thought I hated jazz. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
[he turns the stereo on; after a moment, he turns it off in impatience]
Sheldon: I'm trying! I'm really trying!

- Coming.
- Dr. Koothrappali?
- I'm special agent page, FBI.
- May I come in?
- I'd like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz.
- Ah, thank you.
- All right. Well, how long have you known
- Mr. Wolowitz?

Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
Howard: [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
[turning to Sheldon]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And you are?
Sheldon: [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.
[turning to Leonard]
Sheldon: How was that?

Raj: Do you think she's really doing that, or is it Photoshopped?
Leonard: I don't think Martha Stewart was ever naked with a bunch of fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don't know that. Prison changes people.

Sheldon: Hey, Amy.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don't get a hey. You get a hmm.

[first lines]
Raj: [the boys are playing Rock Band]
[singing]
Raj: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I love / Take me all the way /
[falsetto]
Raj: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I lo-
[sees Penny in the doorway]
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawnmower.

Raj: I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj: [in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he-he-he!
Howard: That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."
Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.
Howard: So?
Leonard: So, nothing. Let's destroy him.

Raj: [surprised to see Howard on his doorstep] I didn't think I'd see you until tomorrow.
Howard: I know, but Bernie is kind of under the weather and my mother is kind of... under my dentist.
Raj: Wait, so your mother is sleeping with your dentist?
Howard: Former dentist, actually. I need a new one, now that I know where his hands have been.

Howard: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.
Howard: Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.

Howard: Okay, that ought to do it. I replaced the propeller and re-attached the gimbal controller unit.
Raj: Dude, you're like "Grey's Anatomy" for robots. Also, why isn't that a show?
Howard: I just need to see if I can re-sync the controls to this old remote.
Raj: We should name it.
Howard: What, the drone or your stupid robot show?
Raj: The drone. The show's already got a name: "General Bot-spital".

Penny: You guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash!
Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you were refering to was shock at you having something cleaned.

Sheldon: Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.

Leonard: How am I the bad guy? She the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
Howard: Sounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.

Sheldon: I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard: Want some Oreos?
Sheldon: Double stuff?
Leonard: No, it's regular.
Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

Arthur: Why can't I ever appear in Angie Dickinson's bedroom?

- Do another one, do another one!
- Ok. Here's my impression of the amtrak acela barreling down the eastern corridor.
- It's like there's a train in your mouth.
- Oh, yeah. I've got one.
- The amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago.

Penny: Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?
Sheldon: Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

Raj: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: It's no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard: Really?
Raj: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this.
[Starts writing]
Sheldon: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
[pauses]
Sheldon: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard: Yep.
Leonard: Still going to introduce him?
Howard: Not on your life!

- Yeah.
- Everyone's asleep.
- You want to head upstairs and,
[chuckles] You know.
- Let's just do it right here.
- Oh-oh, I like the way you think.

- I'd like to propose a toast.
- To burying the hatchet.
- To burying the hatchet.
- You know,
- I'm kind of glad this happened.
- Me too. In a weird way,
- I kind of feel like it brought us closer.
- Yeah, everybody's happy. Great.

Penny: Tell everyone your big news
Leonard: I'm starting a book
Sheldon: That would be news from Penny, you've read a book before

Bernadette: Now, Michael, mommy and daddy are going away for a couple days, so if you're gonna say your first words, you gotta do it now or wait 'till we get back.
Howard: [leading Halley out of the bathroom] Somebody just peed in the big girl potty.
Bernadette: Oh, I'm so proud! It was her, right?

Raj: Oh sure. I sit on the floor for years no one cares. The pretty white girl sits for ten seconds and you're all running off to IKEA.

- Heh. Anyway...
- Oh, could you do me a favor...
- And overnight me some more underwear?
- Sure, why?
- I got a look at the centrifuge...
- They're gonna spin me around in tomorrow...
- And I have a hunch
- I packed a little light.

- Hey, werewolf jughead is not your dad's jughead.
- Come on, you guys have been friends forever. Quit fighting.
- I have an extra ticket to the opening of the last jedi tonight.
- It was gonna be Howard's, but you can have it.
- You two had a good run.

Sheldon: But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you.

Sheldon: [Beginning the play of The Campaign for North Africa] First we must roll to figure out the weather.
Bernadette: It's the desert. Isn't it supposed to be hot?
Sheldon: [holds up the "hold on" finger, rolls the dice, then checks one thing in the manual, then holds up the "hold on" finger again, rolls the dice again, then looks at another page in the manual sideways, appearing to read a couple of lines quickly, then] Yes.

Leonard: So, is this the first time?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: How you feeling about it?
Raj: Uh... to be honest, I'm pretty anxious. I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying. What if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we... sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Leonard: It's... just don't put so much pressure on it. I-It's always a little awkward in the beginning. I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
Raj: It was bad?
Leonard: Oh, dude, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
Howard: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie, but mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Leonard: Did she?
Howard: Yeah.

Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?
Sheldon: Odd. President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard: How was it resolved?
Sheldon: It wasn't. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot..

- Are you trying to make small talk?
- Oh, sweetie, you really don't have to.
- No, it's the accepted convention.
- How was your day?
- Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant, so my hours are different...
- I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all. Just eat.

Sheldon: Do you have a vehicle?
Leonard: A car, yes.
Sheldon: And you'd be willing to drive me?
Leonard: Can't you drive?
Sheldon: I can. I choose not to.

Sheldon: Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Leonard: You know, never have I ever made love out in the woods in the rain.
Penny: All right, guess I have to drink.

- Still good?
- It's fine.
- It's not carved in stone.
- No. Six-thirty is great.
- I'll get my chisel. Heh-heh.
- Why?
- To carve the...
- Okay, I'll see you at 6:30.

- You think another transparently manipulative...
- Oh, it's a tiara!
- A tiara. I have a tiara. Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me...
- Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me.
- You look beautiful.
- Of course I do.
- I'm a Princess and this is my tiara.

Leonard: Am I being weird?
Sheldon: Yes... and that's coming from me.

[first lines]
Penny: [dancing and singing along to the radio] "I'm goin' out tonight / I'm feelin' alright /Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. Ah. No-" Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: [turns radio off] Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.

Leonard: Can you tell that I'm sweating?
Sheldon: No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.

[first lines]
Penny: [reading directions] OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: A little bit, yeah.

Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend, Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.
Arthur: Hold... hold... hold on, you... you have a girlfriend?

- in the loft you never told me you wanted.
- No, wait, don't be mad.
- No, I'm not mad.
- Why would I be mad?
- There's nothing to be mad at.
- You've got to turn the thing.
- I knew that!
Amy: Hey, Leonard.
- I'm not mad!

Sheldon: He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn't realize it had been so long... Sure, I guess there's no other choice but just to go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He's referrng to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard: Aren't there any other options? There's not a lot of room. It's going to be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye.
[Leonard looks up to see everyone looking at him]
Leonard: My mother's coming to visit.
Howard: [to Sheldon] How about that, you were right.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?

Leonard: Tell me the truth, mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments

Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.
Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.

Sheldon: [drunkenly confronting Wil] As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting?
[trying to hold back]
Sheldon: Never mind, I'll choose.
[leans over the railing and vomits]

- Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.
- I really want that, too.
- Good.
- Because I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Kiss her, you brilliant fool!

Amy: We're finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.
Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we're making progress?
Amy: I suppose it's conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight or flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.

Leonard: We found something pretty interesting.
Amy: [transparently] Huh. Well, that is suprising. I, for one, have no idea what they're talking about.
Leonard: Turns out when Amy took over Penny's apartment, she was put on the lease, not you.
Penny: Yeah, and when I moved across the hall, you got taken off the lease and I got added.
Amy: Well, what are you saying? That Sheldon's not technically a tenant at all and therefore has no standing to be president of the tenants' association, no matter who votes for him? I don't know how you found that out, but I am guessing all on your own.
Leonard: So, looks like we need to figure out who the new president should be. I nominate myself.
Penny: I second it.
Amy: Huh. Well, as a woman in love, I want to stand by my man. Too bad that's been rendered bureaucratically impossible.

Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
Leonard: Raj, we always hang out.
Raj: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.

Sheldon: [talking to a blue jay] If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?
Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

Howard: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon: What's plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn't that plan A?

[first lines]
Sheldon: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
[takes a deep breath]
Sheldon: Oh, yes!
Howard: They're on me today, boys.
Rajesh: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Rajesh: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

Sheldon: [Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies] Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.

- She helped Barry kripke make an advancement in string theory.
- Oh. That sounds like a good thing.
- Well, it would be, except I left string theory...
- Because I decided it was a dead end...
- And then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong.
- My rival, no less.

Sheldon: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny: Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny: MMMM.
Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup. No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code?
[Knocks "no" in Morse Code]
Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.
Sheldon: Well, I try.

Stuart: Hot girl, 9 o'clock. Don't everybody look at once.
Raj: What is she doing in a comic book store?
Stuart: I don't know. She might be lost.

Leonard: [Penny is about to give Sheldon a haircut] Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
Penny: [moving Sheldon's arm as if he's a ventriloquist's dummy] Oh, my God. I do look like that!
Sheldon: Oh, stop it!
Penny: So how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon: Oh, how 'bout Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back!

Penny: Listen to me. Your relationship can handle being long distance for a while. It's not like you two are very physical.
Amy: Hey, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
Amy: A lot of lectures?
Amy: Alright, so you know.

Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um... a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: Okay, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart: Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble?

- Okay... let's try it again.
- But this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.
- I don't think I can give you that.
- Come on. One more time.

Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going.
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive a while.

Leonard: Mr. Jeffreys, I'm sorry. We should've warned you about the broken elevator.
Professor: I agree.

[Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly]
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord.
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '
[takes off headphones]
Leonard: That's a good song!
Sheldon: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.

- If I'd thought of that in the first place,
- I could've saved myself this whole night.
- Well, it's not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32.
- Good night.
- Hey, Howard. What's up?
- I've decided not to procreate.
- Yeah, yeah, great.
- Howard, uh, slow down.
- What do you mean, "it happened again"?

- Just go to work. He'll be fine.
- Amy, he's my best friend.
- And if you don't take me,
- I'm going there anyway.
- Fine.
- It's sweet that you care about him so much.
- I do.
- I couldn't forgive myself if something happened to him...
- And I wasn't at his bedside to say,
- "I told you so."

- If she leaves, it's over.
- Pretty sure it's already over.
Wil: Tough luck, Sheldon.
- You did this, didn't you?
- Do you think I would break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
- No, I suppose not.
- Good. Keep thinking that.

Zack: I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?

Raj: I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics. But with a penis, of course.

Penny: A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.

Sheldon: Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Amy: I know we only have sex on my birthday, but I don't think I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Well, you should. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.

Sheldon: I feel renewed. I feel strong enough to take any new changes that come my way.
Penny: Hey, you're back!
Sheldon: You changed your hair. Your hair is different. I can't take this. I'm out.

Bernadette: Come on, you're a good magician.
Howard: Really? You always called magic dumb.
Bernadette: You can be good at something dumb. You know what? You should audition now.
Howard: It's fine. I don't need to be a member of the most elite magical society on the face of the earth.
Bernadette: Sounds like you still want it. And I don't want our kids to see this tape one day and think their dad is a quitter.
Howard: We don't have to show it to them.
Bernadette: Oh, I am definitely showing it to them.

[following their own trains of thought]
Amy: Well, I have been pretty busy lately. Maybe I've been neglecting our friendship.
Leonard: Penny knows I have a complicated relationship with my mother; it's like she doesn't even care.
Amy: And with everything going on at the lab and planning the wedding, I just... I have so little free time.
Leonard: Penny doesn't know how manipulative my mother can be. Did you know there's such a thing as reverse, reverse, reverse psychology? Because...
[indicating his head]
Leonard: ...there is.

Sheldon: Good night, puny human!

Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you're being a little rude.
Amy: [furious] I'm being rude? You've been rude to me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I've hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

Penny: [Sheldon has locked himself out of his apartment] I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.

Howard: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

- recovered from the Van is now thermite.
- Great.
- Couple pinches ought to do the trick.
- Is that enough to melt the lug nut?
- Well, let's start small.
- We can always add more.
- You put up a good fight, lug nut.
- But you've met your match.

Howard: You're brushing your teeth on the couch?
Raj: No, I'm brushing Cinnamon's teeth.
Howard: Why bother? She just spends half the day licking her own butt.
Raj: And the other half licking my face, that's why I'm brushing her teeth

Jimmy: Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big time scientist now.
Sheldon: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.

Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.

Leonard: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Yay.
[they clink their glasses and sip their drinks]
Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

- We”, give it a go.
- I can't answer that without collecting additional data.
- Additional data. You dog!
- I'm not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.
Raj: [theme music] R

- Oh. Uh, they're still working on it.
- Interesting. Very interesting.
- Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant.
- They're gonna be fixing it for a while.
- Wait, you saw her apartment?
- I did. Still a mess.
- Leonard?
- Yeah?

Sheldon: Do we really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's home for Thanksgiving dinner?
Amy: We do, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to work under the yoke of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house to one of the worst tragedies in human history?
Sheldon: Yes.

- And alf was gonna bring him back to me.
- But he never did.
- Where's my daddy, puppet?
- Where is he?
- That is so sad.
- No, what's sad is that you don't know that Adam west was TV's Batman.

Sheldon: I'm no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase "Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That's gold.

Priya: You have such beautiful eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?
Leonard: I tried in the 7th grade. I could never get used to 'em.
Priya: Oh, that's too bad.
Leonard: Yeah, if I had contacts, I would have been the coolest debate club president to ever be stuffed into his own cello case.
Priya: If you had them on now, you could see what we're going to do next.
[kisses Leonard]
Leonard: That's okay, I can infer from context.

Sheldon: O-o-oh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!

Howard: Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.

Penny: Maybe there's something in the book that will help.
Leonard: Worth a shot.
Penny: Okay. Let's see, let's see... biting other children?
Leonard: Well, sometimes, but... problem for another day.
Penny: Okay, wait, wait. Here we go. "Let him have ownership of his choices. Allow him to choose from options that are acceptable to you."
Leonard: All, right I'll give it a try. "I can drive you in two hours or you can take an Uber."
Penny: Good. See, now he feels like he has a choice.
Leonard: [his phone chimes] He's gonna take an Uber.
Penny: Wow, it worked.
Leonard: [taking the book] Unless he bites the driver, yeah.

Sheldon: Well why do I need you now?
Arthur: Well as near as I can tell you fell asleep watching Star Wars and now you're dreaming you're watching Star Wars.
Sheldon: So?
Arthur: Don't you see a problem there? I mean how you're spending your limited time on Earth.
Sheldon: Not at all.
Arthur: OK. Good luck to you.

[first lines]
Raj: So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.
Leonard: Sounds romantic.
Raj: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.
Leonard: Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?
Raj: I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard: How's that working for you?
Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.

- No, no, I just need to be alone.
- So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar.
- Where are you going?
- To my room.
- Should I follow you?
- No.
- Leonard, wait.
- What?
- I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.

Penny: Think we'll have time to visit your mom while we're there?
Leonard: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either.

Sheldon: Stop pawing at me like you're a Bear and I'm a Trash Can full of Swedes!

- It's not as good as it sounds.
- Raj, what about you?
- Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal?
- [Soss1 uh, all right. This year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil.
- I don't even chew it.
- I swallow it like pills.

[Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope]
Bernadette: So, where's the telescope?
Howard: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
[pause]
Leonard: We're, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

Sheldon: Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.

Amy: [to Penny, about Priya] I am regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, penny.
- Hi, Mike.
- You ready to go?
- I just have to change.
- I'll give you a hand.
- Oh, stop it.
- Bye, guys.
- My turn on the time machine.

Amy: Oh good, a slumber party! We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!

- I must admit, it...
- It does feel good.
- What does?
- You forgiving me.
- It means a lot.
- Thank you.

Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true.

Penny: [seeing Leonard throwing up in the toilet] Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold your liquor, can you?
Leonard: I'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world.
[Penny starts throwing up in the sink]
Leonard: Are you okay?
[sees her throwing up, then goes back to throwing up himself]

Rajesh: You know if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
Leonard: Oh, stop with the fake Third World crap. Your father is a gynecologist, and you had a house full of servants.
Rajesh: He only had four servants, and two of them were children.

- Yeah, and chocolate milk is gonna squirt out of my nipples.
- Put up or shut up.
- You make it, I'll drink it.
- You guys need anything else?
- Your phone number and one more cheesecake.
- I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend.
- In fact, there he is now.

- Can we get autographed dolls?
- Sure.
- Twenty bucks.
- Eighteen.
- Twelve.
- Sixteen.
- Two for 30.
- And you come to my birthday party.
- Done.

- Don't make this harder than it is, Leonard.
- Good-bye, Sheldon.
- And good-bye to you, sir.
- He'll be back.
- Of course I'll be back.
- I live here!

Sheldon: These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.
[Sheldon is really setting up an online dating profile for Penny at Headoverheelz.com]

Sheldon: I'd like your honest opinion on something.
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Before I start, I need you to know that I'm very excited about this, and anything you say that isn't enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So... keep an open mind.
Amy: I'm feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Perfect.

Sheldon: [speaking in high-pitched voice after breathing helium] Kripke, I've found the nozzle. I'm going to kill you!

- Thank you, that's very helpful.
- All right, where are these amazing shrimp?
- Seriously?
- You think this is the size of a baby's arm?
- A little baby.
- I'm going back to the room.
- Boy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket?

[Sighs] Can it be more of an internal struggle?
- I need to see it.
- While I'm gone, don't breathe on my pillow.
- How about if
- I just don't breathe at all?
- That's my girl.
- What on earth?

Rajesh: Isn't there a rule against dating grad students?
Leonard: No, you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Rajesh: Damn, there's always a catch.

Sheldon: Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you?
Leonard: Yes, but I need a wingman.
Sheldon: Alright, but if we're going to use flight metaphors, I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA analyzing wreckage.

Leonard: Are we playing individuals or teams?
Raj: Teams are fun.
Sheldon: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard: We don't really do that.
Raj: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?

Sheldon: Leonard is the signatory to the roommate agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.
Leonard: Fines?
Sheldon: Yes. Penny's going to be spending nights here again, you'll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.

- All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
- Oh. Well, that's like my high school too.
- But instead of a curse, it was crabs. Heh.
- I've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
- I take issue with the word "compulsive."
- All I'm saying is we live in a world where closure isn't always an op...

Sheldon: It's been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
Arthur: She sounds like a keeper.

- They know how to reach me.
- David: Okay.
- Congratulations on the MacArthur Grant, by the way. Big fan.
- Thanks. I'll call you.
- Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- What are you looking at?
- You've never seen a hypocrite before?

Amy: I feel like I'm in high school again.
Bernadette: Yeah. Doing the prom queen's homework so she'll like us.
Amy: I know.
[gleefully]
Amy: It's finally working!

- You're my boyfriend.
- I haven't seen you in over a month.
- I just drove six hours to help you out.
- Don't you have anything to say besides,
- "why did you come?"
- I do, but I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
- Fine. Whisper it.
[Whispers] Shotgun.

Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this.
[clutches his chest]

- Yeah, I lost that battle years ago.
- So, Howard, are you interested?
- Are you kidding? If I could control robot arms with my brain
- I'd be able to do so many things.
- Really? Because you've been controlling human arms with your brain for years and not much has come of it.

Janine: So if I just said I was worried you might not have a job next week, how would you feel?
Leonard: Light-headed, and glad you asked me to sit down.

- According to Alicia's Facebook page...
- She's hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
- Well, dead whore on TV, live one in real life.
- Oh, great.
- Now she's jumping up and down on the bed.
[Mouths] Wow.

- Your parents are old, anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep!
- Very well.
- I'm sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.
- God, I thought my brother, fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...
- Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.

Howard: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we have to do is plot out where the squeaks are and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
Raj: Looks like a map from Dungeons and Dragons.
Howard: Except the creature in the crib is a level nine poop monster.

Penny: Oooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
Leonard: Yeah, you ought to come with use sometime.
Penny: Oh, no thanks. I'm from Nebraska; when we shoot things it's because we want to eat 'em or make 'em leave our boyfriends alone.

Howard: It's your Millennium Falcon, you and Chewbacca can do whatever you want to. Me and Princess Leia here'll find some other way to spend the evening.

Amy: [to Penny] You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can't think of anyone weirder?
Amy: [referring to Bernadette] I can,
[whispers]
Amy: but she's sitting right there.

- The letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing in the closet.
- Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
- Sheldon, don't you dare.
- Nothing to worry about.
- Your secret's safe with me.
- That's more like it.
- Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

Raj: Oh, my God! This tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: The secret is I fertilze it with my own manure.
[Raj stops eating]
Howard: The look on your face.
Leonard: It's a sort of grin. You wanna know which kind?

- You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.
- I think penny has a point.
- You can see it another day.
- But someone might spoil the movie.
- No, no one can spoil
- Amy's birthday for me.
- Surprise! She's even older.
- Who saw that coming?
- Aw! That's nice. Put that on her cake.

Sheldon: They're remaking your show, and they cast Wil Wheaton as Professor Proton. And the worst part is he's not even a scientist.
Arthur: No, the... the worst part is I'm sitting on a moist log.
Sheldon: We have to stop this and protect your legacy.
Arthur: What legacy? My... my last two seasons, I was on Sunday morning at 5:30. We... we were beat by "Davey and Goliath".
Sheldon: I can't believe you don't care.
Arthur: Believe it!
Sheldon: Well, I care, a lot, and Wil Wheaton will rue the day he ever met me.
Arthur: I think that's true of most people.

Amy: [Dissecting a brain] Yay, brain tumor! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.

Penny: What are those?
Leonard: Vitamins. Zack wants me to take them to increase my virility.
Penny: Zack used the word "virility"?
Leonard: He may have said "wiener power".

- He looked deeply into her eyes and whispered: 'There is no future without you.' he pulled her in close.
- She began to tremble all over.
- She felt his warm breath..."
- You will not believe what Stephen Hawking...
- Get out!

- They should've used "among," right?
- Or "amongst," if they were feeling whimsically archaic.
- Enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest goes to jail or not?
- Absolutely.
- But don't be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.
- I am open to change.

Penny: When was the last time you got a massage?
Amy: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just because there was a spider on his pillow and he needed to get away.
Penny: Leonard stood on me once too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.

Amy: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey, I was just talking about you.
Amy: Oh, should I ask?
Leonard: You should not.

Mary: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.
Mary: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Amy: Should've taken my breasts out while I had the chance.

Mary: Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.
Sheldon: All right. But you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk it means you want me to listen.
Mary: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.

Leonard: Can I help you?
Theodore: I don't think so, but you're sweet for asking.
Penny: What are you doing in our apartment?
Theodore: I'm renting a room from your neighbor. Tall guy, dressed like a little boy.

[first lines]
Penny: Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette: Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy: [entering] Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette: Really?
Amy: Twelve years ago, my cousin, Irene, and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette: That's horrible!
Amy: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out; still in the bags - the gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette: I don't know; dead people's dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? Uh-unn...

Barry: ...there actuawwy was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Barry: No, but they did find evidence that you'll bewieve
[laughing]
Barry: anything.
Sheldon: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Barry: Incowwect; I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I'm going to pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads.

Penny: Do you think that sometimes you try too hard?
Howard: Look at me. What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?

- Babies?
- Well, I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure.
- What about you?
- I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?
- On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.

[last lines]
Sheldon: Give us the precious.
Leonard: Never!
Sheldon: [they fight] Give it to me!
Leonard: Get off of me!
Sheldon: Give me the ring!
Sheldon: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!

Amy: If you don't want to snuggle, fine, but we're not building a pillow wall.
Sheldon: But, uh, well uh, I am sorry; I am just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat I'm surprised there aren't iguanas lying on it.

Penny: Oh, come on, a smart guy like you; it'll be a challenge. You could make it like an experiment.
Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla... I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! A little insulting, but great. I'll be Koko.
Sheldon: Not likely. Koko learned to understand over two thousand words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.

- Did I flash anybody?
- How about "everybody"?
- I can't believe it, I'm so embarrassed.
- You didn't take any pictures, did you?
- Oh, no, we would never do that to you.
- Yeah, but if there were pictures, they would be [singsong] Crazy.
- You guys are good friends.
- -penny: Mmm.

- The university's trying to get more funding for the physics department, so they want me to go out and talk it up.
- Really, you?
- Well, they picked the right person for the job.
- Thank you.
- I think he bought it.

Penny: I'm banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?

Penny: It's just not fair, okay? They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you; you're here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard: Now this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don't make this about you.
Leonard: Oh, I'm not; it's about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
Leonard: This one does, and you're the reason why.

Raj: [to Leonard] If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a "zompire"?

Amy: How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?
Sheldon: What's 16 times 14?
Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon: And there's your answer.

- Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Purell, purell, purell, purell.

Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?
The: You bet.
The: You know why Hulk is so strong?
The: Steroids.
The: You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights?
The: Scotch.

- Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
- Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
- This is an interesting topic.
- How many sexual encounters have you had?
- Does volunteering for an experiment in which orgasm was achieved...
- By electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?

Sheldon: That doesn't mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

Sheldon: If you get the surgery, the snoring is gone. If you die during surgery... the snoring is gone.
Leonard: Sounds like either way I finally get some rest.

Rajesh: What happened with Leslie? Why did she dump you?
Howard: I don't know. She just said, "Howard, Mama's a rolling stone."

Leonard: [about apologizing to Zack] What would I even say?
Sheldon: "Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud."
Raj: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon: Yeah. Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.

Howard: I'm glad my balls hurt. It's all their fault.

Raj: Why don't you think I can find a woman for myself?
Mrs. Koothrappali: You're 27, the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy, Howard!

Sheldon: Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone. So the fact that I found you is astonishing. It's-it's like finding dark matter, except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you. S-So you're even better than dark matter.
Amy: [chuckles] Sheldon...
Sheldon: Plus, plus, you interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...
Amy: Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.

[last lines]
Rajesh: What a douche!

Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday...
- But you don't owe me an explanation.
- Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record...
- So you can understand why I did what I did.
- I'm listening.
- She let me.

Penny: Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I've been half bombed ever since.
Leonard: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head, what about yours?
Leonard: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.

Bernadette: I don't wanna drive that, it's such a mom car.
Howard: The guy at the dealership said they're not just for moms anymore.
Raj: Then again, he did think you were my husband.
Bernadette: They thought it at the ultrasound, why not at the car dealership?

- Thanks.
- I'm telling you, Leonard.
- Video slots, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid...
- And all-you-can-eat shrimp for 3.95?
- Disneyland can suck it.
- This is the real happiest place on earth.
- Dude, check it out.
- That's laundry for a month.

Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman's house, probably discussing Schrödinger and at the same time not discussing Schrödinger.

Leonard: Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you. So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.
Sheldon: Bert, please. I know I behaved poorly in the past, but things will be different this time. You'll see. Come on, let me in. We'll have some laughs, we'll calculate some isotope ratios.
Bert: I'm sorry, Sheldon.
[he closes the door]
Leonard: So you just shut the door in his face? I got to start writing this stuff down.

Sheldon: [Trying to steer away from Bernadette and Howard's bickering] Um, Dr. Koothrappali, would you like to weigh in on the matter?
Raj: [Holding his drink] Why certainly. I'd like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass!
Leonard: [Coldly to him] I'd like to kick your little brown ass.
Raj: What did I do?
Leonard: [Sarcastically] Oh, I don't know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and see a guy getting back with his girlfriend, you should maybe do something other than crawl into the other bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
Penny: [From the audience] We weren't getting back together. It was a one-off fling.
Sheldon: Um, we're not yet taking questions from the audience.
Penny: Oh, *shut up*, Sheldon!

Sheldon: Earlier tonight, things began organically and now it's feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Howard: I got to experience zero gravity.
Bernadette: Cool. How do they do that?
Howard: It's pretty neat. You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds and then straight back down like it's gonna crash, and they do it over and over again, no matter how many times you throw up.
Bernadette: You threw up?
Howard: Yeah. And the craziest part is because there's no gravity, the throw-up kind of floats there. In a little ball, and if your mouth is open because you're screaming, sometimes it just floats right back in.

Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
Howard: It's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.

Howard: So, I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you're cool being the only adults there, they said they are.

Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine, you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there's another human being.
Howard: Hang on, are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon: Oh okay, I see you're gonna take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

Amy: This might cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal: plain.

Sheldon: Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

Mary: You'll have to excuse her. She's just pregnant and hormonal.
Raj: Oh, yeah, congratulations on baby number two.
Missy: [sarcastic] Yeah. Whoopie.
Mary: Her husband would be here, but he stayed home to watch their older son, so e-everything's fine.
Missy: Stop it.
[to Raj]
Missy: We're separated.
Raj: [his interest piqued] You don't say.

[Sheldon has just stormed out]
Amy: His mother warned me. Everybody warned me. Actually, * he* warned me.

- Okay, uh... thanks for the call.
- Yeah, you too.
- Yes! Thank you!
- Oh, I'm not gonna die in space!
- Phew, I'm gonna die the way god intended.
- In my late 50s with a heart full of pastrami.

Penny: So what are you and professor Fussy Face up to tonight?
Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-Ray.
Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
Leonard: Not on Blu-Ray.
[pauses]
Leonard: Only twice on Blu-Ray.

Sheldon: I can't just go to the office every time I have a great idea. It's not safe at night. There's raccoons and undergrads who strut around like they own the place.

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon: That's awfully personal.
Leonard: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
[Out loud]
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Hey.
[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]

Raj: I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.
Bernadette: All right, but just a warning. My feet are a little swollen.
Raj: Oh, please, Bernadette. I'm sure this... okay.
Bernadette: What?
Raj: Nothing. Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.

[last lines]
Penny: OK, this place does look pretty good.

Christy: [arguing] All I'm saying is you could take the plastic off the couch!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why? So you and Howard can hump on it?

Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

Amy: [Sheldon has stormed off to his room] He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary: He's upset with me; I should be the one who talks to him.
[she continues knitting]
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary: Oh heck no.

Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.

Raj: My name is Rajesh, but you can call me Raj.
Siri: Would you like me to call you Raj?
Raj: I'd like you to call me Sexy.
Siri: From now on, I'll call you Sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay.

Leonard: So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?
Sheldon: Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.
Leonard: We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?
Sheldon: You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.

Penny: Okay, what is going on?
Sheldon: Well, ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Penny: Didn't that just start this morning?
Sheldon: And has she been home?
Penny: You know, that would frustrate me. Does it frustrate you?
Sheldon: I-it does.
Penny: I get that. You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.
Sheldon: I suppose. Ah, maybe it's not that big a deal.
Penny: No. No, no. Your feelings are valid. Now, why don't you go wash up and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: [Sheldon leaves] What did you do... are you a witch?
Penny: No, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book. It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: I know. But, you know, it's only birth to five. What do we do when he turns six?
Leonard: Take him to the zoo and leave him there.

Raj: As your friend, you might like to know that, um... we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you... you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and... that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually...
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.

Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.

- Eat another pie, you'll have your own bazongas.
- That's cruel.
- You know it goes straight to my hips.
- Gentlemen, please focus.
- You're facing a fire-breathing dragon.
- Unh, I don't know if I wanna play anymore.
- Because you don't have a girlfriend?
- If that becomes a reason...
- Not to play dungeons and dragons, this game's in serious trouble.

Howard: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too?

- Absolutely not.
- Yeah, penny, you've spent some time in front of the camera.
- Any words of advice?
- Yes, don't take your shirt off just because the director said so.
- This is a documentary about Mr. Spock.
- I'm sure if there's nudity it will be tasteful.

- It's may the fourth.
- Get it?
- May the "fourth" be with you?
- "May the force be with you."
- Get it?
- Oh, no, this face wasn't because I didn't get it.
Raj: [theme song plays]

Priya: I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They'd have a cow - which is a much bigger deal in India.

Amy: I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
Bernadette: What did you tell your boss?
Amy: Oh, I was very clever. I did it in stages. At 7:00 last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood. At 9:30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird. At 11:30, I called and said I was throwing up like a firehose. at 12:45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds. And now I'm going to Disneyland!
Bernadette: Penny, what did you say?
Penny: I work at the Cheesecake Factory. I said, bye.

Penny: You didn't get your part cut. And you didn't get your part cut. Yep a bunch of old guys rocking out in a band all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut.
Leonard: Hey, can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.

Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these
[fortune cookies]
Penny: .
Sheldon: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.

Howard: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
Leonard: Raj, you're up.
Raj: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy: Told you.
Sheldon: Don't.

Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn't until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That's when he altered the timeline.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven't placed it!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn't be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn't the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine...
Leonard: Wait. Is "brought" right?
Sheldon: [thinking] Marty and Doc never... had have had brought?
Leonard: ...I don't know. You did it to me.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn't, never had have hasn't.

Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let's go home.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know, I'm hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feynman lecture, while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf. And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

- Whose turn is it?
- We're up to you.
Howard: Great.
- Just start.
- Okay, let's see.
- Are you from a TV series?
- She dumped me.
- I bet he's someone from Babylon 5.
- We're never gonna get it.

- What's up with the infrared cameras?
- I'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards...
- To determine which one's been touched.
- If you hope to have children...
- I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers.
- Your testicles look a tad warm.

Sheldon: I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.
Mary: I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

- Well, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all,
- "I'm nice. I want to take care of people."
- I'm glad I got that mocha.
- And you know what else I'm glad about?
[Shouting] I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car!
- M rs. Wolowitz: Howard!
- Thanks a lot.
- Now I have to go rub her belly again.

Sheldon: Dr. Greene, question?
Brian: Yes?
Sheldon: You've dedicated your life's work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.
Brian: Yes, in part.
Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful?

- Hallelujah.
- Hey, guess what.
- I've been accepted as a test subject for a drug...
- To overcome pathological shyness.
- Oh, good for you, raj.
- Yes, I'm very hopeful.
- Hello, missy.

Penny: Hey Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "pennygetyourownwifi", no spaces.

[last lines]
Siri: [Raj enters Siri's office] Steve, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you.
Raj: Ahem.
Siri: Hello, Sexy. What can I help you with?
[Raj cannot speak]
Siri: If you'd like to make love to me, just tell me.
Raj: Ack. Ack.
Siri: I'm sorry, I don't understand Ack, ack.
Raj: [Waking up on couch] Noooooo!

Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon: I know.

Leonard: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
Raj: Like what?
Leonard: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
Raj: What do you mean "a show"?
Leonard: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Raj: Like to music?
Leonard: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
Raj: So you'd do a striptease?
Leonard: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
Raj: Good, good...
Leonard: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard: No, she wouldn't.
Raj: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard: You really are a mean little man.

- and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, then we run like hell...
- Oh, boy!
- That was a lot of fun.
- Who's Angie Dickinson?

Howard: What's up?
Sheldon: I need you to stop being so delightful.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: I'm supposed to be bonding with him. You have your own father-in-law. Leave mine alone.
Howard: Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, I'll take yours.
Sheldon: I don't want your father-in-law.
Howard: [doing the "coin behind the ear" trick] Well, what if I throw in a quarter?
Larry: [giddy like a little kid] Do it again! Do it again!

Leonard: I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we're actually in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I'm willing to if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it's high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with a Sheldon forever.

- and I'd like for us to have a good relationship.
- That is very mature of you, so I'm gonna go ahead and say, suckah!
- All right, back to learning.
- Okay.
- Oh, easy, bill nye, the science guy.
- Or as I know him.
- Creepy old dude from dancing with the stars.

- If I tell you that, I'm robbing you of the hours of fun you could have...
- For the magical, rootin'-tootin low price of 24.95.
- I'll take one.
- Mm. Make it two.
- I hate all of you and myself. Three.
- I'll ring it up.
- Like shooting nerds in a barrel.

- Penny?
- I just want you to know that you don't have to live like this.
- I'm here for you.
- What's he talking about?
- It's a joke.
- I don't get it.
- Yeah, he didn't tell it right.

[last lines]
Leonard: So you really think they liked it?
Penny: Oh,sweetie, it was the best speech ev-
[they duck and scream as the drone flies out of Sheldon's apartment]
Sheldon: Don't worry, everyone in here is safe.

Raj: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
Amy: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
Howard: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. We slow-danced once.

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: [yells] How dare you invite your father without consulting me!
Leonard: I'm sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have *my* father at *my* wedding.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there- there's no excuse for that.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: He claimed I was cold, emasculating and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: [mutters] Well, I was wrong; there's three excuses for that.

Sheldon: He wears glasses, I'm a know-it-all. We're not built for prison.

- Man [in Russian over radio]: Hey, Mike?
- Yeah?
- I changed my mind.
- I don't wanna do this.
- Good one.
- Yeah, I'm a funny guy.
- I also have a hysterical bit planned for later...
- Where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc... No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

Penny: You get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.

- I've been working on admiral ackbar from return of the jedi.
[Loudly] It's a trap.
- You have to imagine me with a giant squid head.
- It's a trap.
- It's a trap.
- It's a trap.

Wil: Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

Amy: I'm having dinner with some colleagues tonight. I'm sure they'd love to meet you.
[he lets out a moan of disinterest]
Amy: Come on, what do you say?
Sheldon: Aw, you're nagging me. It's like we're already married.
Amy: Is that a yes or a no?
Sheldon: Jeez, save some for the honeymoon.

Amy: Oh, look. It's Bert at the bar. We should say hi.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Because that's what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.
Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.
Amy: Sheldon, there's a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity to the bathroom.
Sheldon: The judge couldn't explain it to me, I don't see how you will.

Penny: David was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable.
Leonard: Yeah, I know. I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
Penny: I never said that.
Leonard: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga.

Larry: [Howard shows him the "linked rings" trick] It's like you're actually magic.
Bernadette: You can do that, but you still can't get my bra off?
Howard: The rings don't roll their eyes at me.

[first lines]
Leonard: OK, we're headed out. See you later.
Sheldon: I know. Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: [Sheldon puts on headphones] Go ahead.
Leonard: Hello, can you hear me?
[Sheldon doesn't react]
Leonard: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, well, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard: Ooh, and at one time when you were asleep Amy totally took off her-
[Sheldon takes off headphones]
Leonard: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon: Aaaaw. Now I'm sad I didn't hear it.

Leonard: So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?
Amy: Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them. We decided we don't care what people say about our work.
Penny: Good for you. People online can be so mean. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.
Leonard: And yet somehow, she soldiers on.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.
Amy: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

Bernadette: When you moved here you didn't have a lot of money; how'd you get by?
Penny: Well, sometimes you can get free food and wifi from the neighbors... Just know you might have to marry one of them

- Yeah, everyone at the university does.
- Were you aware of this?
- No! No, ionly told Leonard, Howard, raj, kripke, professor woo, professor klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria.
- Wait, how everyone else found out is a mystery to me.

Penny: Never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard: Ah, it gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it's not really like that?
Leonard: No, it's like that.

- Where are we going?
- Grab a box.
- We'll sleep at your mother's place tonight.
- No, but I want to live here.
- Well, you should've thought of that before you told me the stupid magic-trick story.
- Can't we talk about this?
- No husband of mine is gonna break his mother's heart.

Leonard: Say what you will about the health care system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits, they sure test everything.
Howard: I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.

[first lines]
Sheldon: I'm glad to see you made it safely. How's your hotel?
Amy: [via computer] It's not the best Best Western I've been to, but let's say it's... the third best Best Western I've been to.
Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn't the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.
Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?
Sheldon: Hmm, that's a great question. I like when they're next to a Chipotle.
Amy: OK; well, I should unpack.
Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy: I will. I... wish you were here.
Sheldon: At a neurobiology confere- what a mean thing to say!
Amy: OK, I'm glad you're *not* here?
Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.
Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon
Sheldon: Bye.

Bernadette: [about Howard's survival training] Do you sleep in tents?
Howard: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground, with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in... and spooned me.

Howard: Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you're doing.
Raj: It's called being nice.
Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it.

Penny: [to Leonard] Good morning, slut!
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

Leonard: It would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: It would be nice if I didn't have to.

- In fact, I improved upon it.
- I'd love to see that.
- How about you, raj?
- Beefaroni and a show?
- How do you turn that down?
- All right.
- Pick a card.
- Okay, hmm...
- Bippity-boppity-boo.

Rajesh: I think she's smoking hot.
Howard: I'd hit that!
Sheldon: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.
[Wolowitz looks at him for clarification]
Sheldon: Mud.

- That's your opinion.
- All right, the winner of the match is...
- Hang on.
- Sheldon, is proving you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important...
- That you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
- I didn't understand the question.
- Go ahead.
- The winner is pms.

Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the supercollider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the earth ending life as we know it.
Raj: What a bunch of cry babies. No guts, no glory, man.

- it's the hard-knock life got no folks to speak of, so it's the hard-knock row we hoe cotton blanket 'stead of wool empty bellies 'stead of full it's the hard-knock life

Raj: You've been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year. I don't see you showing him the door.
Howard: It's not the same thing. Emily's a person. Stuart's more like an infestation. Something you spray for.

- Wednesday is new comic book day.
- We have to go to the comic-book store.
- And then we have to stop at souplantation.
- It's creamy tomato soup day.
- And radioshack.
- There's a sale on triple-a batteries.
- We have to go to pottery barn and return my star wars sheets.
- I have a better idea.
- You wanna go to pottery barn first?

Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.

Amy: Fine with Flags?
Sheldon: Yes. Flags, up there flapping around on poles. If you think about it, they're just the strippers of the emblem world.
Amy: Well, I got something that I might cheer you up. It is the emergency pep talk you made when you were a kid.
Sheldon: Oh, that. I was saving that for the day they stop making "Star Wars" movies. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.
Amy: How long has it been since you've seen it?
Sheldon: Not since the day I recorded it. No, I had just watched "Back to the Future II", where Marty McFly gets a glimpse of his future self, and that got me thinking, the day may come where I needed my help, like they did with that movie. That was not great.

- Love your kids. Don't miss your job.
- Right, right.
- There's nothing in the world like holding your sleeping baby, knowing you make him feel safe and then...
- Oh, good, you got the little cookies
- I like.
- I wouldn't mind a cookie.
- And he's gone. Okay.

Penny: [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

- And this is the first time
- I feel like I'm talking to a real person.
- And you know what? I like him.
- He's a nice guy.
- You really think so?
- I don't know.
- No, I do.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Amy: The food here's supposed to be great. Don't fill up on chips.
Sheldon: Oh I won't. I have a trick. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isoceles, isoceles, scalene...
[tears a corner off one chip and eats it]
Sheldon: You didn't see that.

Bernadette: Aren't you worried there's some kid out there missing his drone?
Raj: Uh, oh, please, Bernadette, this is not a children's toy, okay? This thing's got a HD camera on it.
Bernadette: Okay, then aren't you worried there's some rich peeping Tom out there missing his drone?
Howard: We asked around, and no one claimed it. I think we've done all we can do.
Bernadette: Did you check the video card? Maybe you can see where it started off from.
Howard: [sarcastic] What a great idea, honey.

Leonard: She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her.
Amy: Psychic? He considers them not just mumbo jumbo, but extra jumbo mumbo jumbo.

Sheldon: I had a 101 fever. If that's not a time to verbally abuse my love ones, when is?

Penny: She did soften your life, didn't she?
Sheldon: Yes. She's like the dryer sheets of my heart.

- depending on how the buses are running.
- Nerds.
- I'm coming, Woz, I'm coming.
- Ow!
- Oh!
- Aw.

Amy: Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn't want to be mistaken for a gang member.

- Oh. Sheldon, I'm sure it's not because they don't think you're an elite scientist.
- Yeah, I bet you anything it's just because you're a pain in the ass.
- You're just saying that to make me feel better.
- You can spend the rest of the day being bitter...
- Agreed.
- I was gonna say "or," but why bother?

[first lines]
Amy: And there was water everywhere; it was such a mess.
Leonard: That stinks; how long are you out of the apartment?
Amy: About five weeks.
Penny: Ugh, did you lose anything valuable?
Amy: Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Penny: Oh, so nothing. Great. Do they know why the pipe burst?
Amy: They didn't say.
Leonard: Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanized steel are susceptible to pinholes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water.
[the girls stare at him]
Leonard: Can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.

Amy: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I'm your best friend?
Amy: Don't you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him.

- Damn right we are.
- Oh, also, there was that video about how much she missed you.
- What video?
- The one on the laptop.
- I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but I am a huge snoop.
- Ask my neighbor. She'll tell you.
- But not right now, she's in the shower.

- and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration.
- Hankius-pankius.
- I was afraid you'd be too tired.
- Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line.
- If that's not foreplay,
- I don't know what is.

[last lines]
Mary: [tucking Sheldon into bed] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
[she starts to leave]
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Mm-hm?
Sheldon: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mary: We'll see. Sleep tight.

- Wait, wait, where'd I go?
- Oh, well, it's you, swamp thing,
- Stephen Hawking, spider-man...
- But, look, you're in the mix.
- I am in the mix.
- And I'm the hottest one.
- Who's that?
- Oh, madame curie.
- That's fine, she's dead.

- Ready to go, sweetheart?
- Not until I get my kiss.

Howard: [letting Sheldon drive] Your hands are at 10:00 and 2:00. Good. Steady on the gas. Okay. Now, you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.

[last lines]
Raj: Hey, look at that. It's Dennis Kim.
Howard: Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
[Kim is locked in a kiss with a blond girl]
Leonard: [sarcastic] Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon: Screw him. He was weak.

Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
[laughs]
Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

Sheldon: [after finishing their frontier dinner as part of Amy's "Little House on the Prairie" themed birthday] So, can I get you anything else?
Amy: [Clearly looking stuffed] No thanks, I think I'm good.
Sheldon: You sure? There's still plenty of pork fat. Although if we don't eat it, I suppose we could turn it into soap.
Amy: That might taste better.

- Sure sounds like a tumor...
- Pressing on the auditory nerve.

Leonard: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Rajesh: Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.
Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.

[last lines]
Sheldon: [speaking via a computer] We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Hold on, I'll go check.
Sheldon: Some hiney would be nice.
[Sheldon realizes his mistake right away]
Penny: [offended] Hiney?
Sheldon: [retypes] Honey.

Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face.

Althea: Now, I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some "Mama Mia" nonsense?

Sheldon: So you're willing to go through with this, even though she clearly has reservations?
Leonard: If she has a problem, she should say something.
Sheldon: She tried to seduce you. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.

Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.

Leonard: [On Sheldon's smile] We're here to cheer up Koothrappali, not kill Batman.

Alex: What did I do?
Sheldon: You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex: What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon: Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: You and me both, sister.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Wh-what?
Sheldon: [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Penny: [speechless]
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.

Raj: Maybe you don't want someone exactly like you. You know what they say: opposites attract.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy. Not to cast aspersions, but I can't shake a stick around here without hitting that.

Howard: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
Howard: But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.

Bernadette: I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out I started to dry off with what I thought what a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Louie: [Flashback]
[a large, black man in a dress]
Louie: Yeah?
Leonard: Dr. Cooper?
Louie: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
Leonard: [Present day] In retrospect, that was clue number two.

[first lines]
Howard: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
Sheldon: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
Howard: [after a beat] Kites ho!

Sheldon: I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, and you're supposed to use the powder.
Amy: It tastes the same.
Sheldon: No! The syrup tastes better, and I don't like it!

[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
Sheldon: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh: [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon: [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh: [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]

Wil: Hello?
Howard: [imitating Shatner] Wil, Bill Shatner here.
Wil: Is this Howard?
Howard: Of course not. It-it's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.
[imitating Walken]
Howard: Hello. Bill and I are just hanging out at the Polo Lounge.
Raj: [clinking two glasses] Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis.
Howard: [normally, whispering] What are you doing?
Raj: I'm filling out the world.
Howard: You're ruining it.
Wil: No, he's not.
Raj: Thanks, Wil!

George Cooper Jr.: You're my baby brother, Sheldon. I know life has been hard for you, but that doesn't mean it's been easy for the rest of us.
Sheldon: I suppose I didn't think about how it was for everyone else.
George Cooper Jr.: No, that's all right. I know you didn't.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
George Cooper Jr.: Thank you.
Sheldon: And it would mean a lot to me to have my big brother at my wedding.
George Cooper Jr.: I wouldn't miss it.
Leonard: [choking up] Is it me, or did we just patch a tire?
Sheldon: He said "never patch." Do you even listen?

Sheldon: Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?

Sheldon: Well, I think this whole thing is a waste of time.
Leonard: You mean helping women get interested in science?
Sheldon: No, helping anyone. People should be able to take care of themselves.
Leonard: You mean like when I drove you to the pharmacy, the dry cleaners and the post office?
Sheldon: I'm not against people using tools. Even an otter picks up a rock once in a while to open a clam.

Sheldon: Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard: I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?
Sheldon: No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

Leonard: Don't take this as a criticism, but you do kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on?
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: You know, like most of the time you're the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then when you get angry, you kind of turn into like, you know... Grrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didnt get The Incredible Hulk from that?

Raj: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj: I'll buy one.
Howard: Make that two.
Leonard: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.