30 Best Shug Fisher Quotes

Jed: Knowin' Elly's cakes, that thing must have weighed a ton.
Shorty: It bowed the floor a might. It was sure pretty, Jed. Decorated so fancy with her name wrote across the top in icing, Elly May Clampett.
Jed: There goes any chance of denyin' who dunnit.
Shorty: Don't you worry, Jed. As pretty as Elly is, there'll be some young feller bid on that cake.
Jed: Just so you don't bite on it.

Patricia: I'm sorry. Mr. Drysdale's wild Hollywood parties are for depositors only.
Jeanne: Pat, where are you going with this darling man? He's coming to the party, isn't he?
Patricia: I'm afraid not, Jeanne.
Jeanne: Oh, that's awful. There are so many of us girls. Why, he'd be practically the only man there. He's so cute too.
Patricia: I'm sorry, but he just doesn't keep his money in our bank.
Shorty: Yes I do! Yes I do! I'm goin' home and get it right now!

Jed: [Jed catches Shorty climbing down a ladder with his suitcases in the middle of the night] Where ya goin', Shorty?
Shorty: Jed, don't you never sleep?
Jed: I was just about to ask you that. What are you doin' this time?
Shorty: Uh... I decided it would be real romantic if Elverna and me eloped.
Jed: Wouldn't it be even more romantic if you took Elverna along?
Shorty: By doggies, I knew I forgot somethin'.

Jed: Who put you back in the cage, Shorty?
Shorty: I put myself in, Jed.
Jed: Why?
Shorty: Elverna was commencin' to look good to me.

Jed: So, you called Elverna?
Shorty: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me.
Shad: What did she say?
Shorty: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was.
Jed: See?
Shorty: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth and back and finally she said to me, Shorty Kellems she said, The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me.
Shad: What did you say Shorty?
Shorty: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot!
Shorty: [to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.

Milburn: Mr. Kellums, where did you get this big money?
Shorty: Took it outta my silver mine.
Milburn: You own a silver mine?
Shorty: I did. Sold out to a Syndicate.
Milburn: After you took out a fortune?
Shorty: You betcha.
Milburn: Millions?
Shorty: Couple of hundred.

Shorty: Congratulate me, Jethro. I'm marryin' into your family.
Jethro: Is that true, Uncle Jed?
Jed: It sure is. Shorty put it on paper and slipped it under his lady love's door. Congratulations Shorty, Granny's gonna make you a dandy wife.
Shorty: D-D-Did he say G-G-Granny?
Jethro: That's what he said.
Shorty: Oh Lordy! I slipped it under the wrong d-d-do, I blew it.

Jed: Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest.
Shorty: Just a minute.
Jed: What's the matter, Shorty?
Shorty: Somethin' in my ear. Sounded like you said Elverna won the beauty contest.
Shad: She did.
Shorty: Musta been the only one in it.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, you get into your good duds and git over there and buy that cake that Elly May baked!
Jed: I don't want that thing.
Daisy: That ain't the idea. You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.

Elverna: Come along you miserable little weasel.
Shorty: Yes dear, comin' dear.
Daisy: They sure talk like husband and wife.

Shad: Shorty, have you forgotten that Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest?
Shorty: Ah, come on Shad. If she was the only one in it, she'd come in second.

Shifty: Where are you going now?
Scraggly: Home to my farm. I gotta hitch a plow to ol' Bessie and work the south forty!
Shifty: Well, take it easy. That's a lot work for one horse.
Scraggly: Bessie's my wife. Giddyup Chester.

Jed: Forget about them girls, Shorty. Elverna's got everything they got.
Shorty: I wonder where she keeps it.

Shorty: Jed, Granny, where is my big, beautiful doll?
Jed: You mean Elverna or Gloria?
Shorty: I said beautiful Jed. That narrows it down to Gloria.

Shorty: Granny, I'm marryin' a beauty queen.
Daisy: I thought you was marryin' Elverna.

Miss: Thank you, Shorty.
Shorty: You're welcome, Jeanne.
Miss: I'm Gloria.
Shorty: Oh yeah. Jeanne was my 12 o'clock date, or was that Patricia? No, it was Helen. Patricia is the one I took home on the way to pick you up.

Jed: I've often dreamed of bein' alone on a desert island with Elverna.
Shad: I've had that same dream.
Shorty: I must not remember Elverna as good as I thought.

Shorty: Jed, you forgettin' we was boys together. We run in a pretty fast crowd and you was the fastest.
Jed: Me?
Shorty: You was the wildest girl-chasin'est rascal in the whole county.
Jed: I was not!
Shorty: Somebody in our crowd was.
Jed: How about you?
Shorty: That's who it was!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Did I hear you say there's going to be a wild Hollywood party at Mr. Drysdale's bank?
Shorty: Yes mum. A regular orgy.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: That interests me.
Shorty: I'm sorry, I can't invite you. But you see, it's Mr. Drysdale's party and he kinda likes his women, um, young and flashy, like them two in the car, a couple of dandies. The bank is just crawlin' with fillies like that.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I find this absolutely fascinating.
Shorty: Don't get yer hopes up, but I'll put in a word for ya. What's yer name?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Mrs. Drysdale!
Shorty: Forget it. He wouldn't want his mother there.

Shorty: You goin' to the bank, Jed?
Jed: That's right, Shorty. I'm goin' to take out some money.
Shorty: I'll drive you. I'm goin' to take out somethin' myself.

Jed: She's got plenty of witnesses that heard you say the two of you ought to get married.
Shorty: I still say we ought to get married, maybe not to one another.

Shorty: Jethro, am I glad to see you!
Jethro: Did you chop all this wood, Shorty?
Shorty: Every stick of it. Granny's been holding that shotgun on me for 2 hours, makin' me work my fool head off. Will you take over?
Jethro: Sure
[takes Granny's shotgun]
Jethro: I'll watch him, Granny.
Daisy: If he makes a break for it, give him both barrels.

Shorty: This Hollywood night life is kinda expensive. Them four girls last night cost me a bundle
Jed: Was them girls from Mr. Drysdale's secretarial pool?
Shorty: No, these are what you call go-go dancers.
Jed: Go-go?
Shorty: And before I knew it, my money was gone-gone.

Jeremiah: You know, Mr. West, I ain't been this excited since Colonel Cattage Montgomery and me took on a hundred-and-fifty Siouxs at Flat Creek. Boy, that was a fight!
[hoisting his rifle]
Jeremiah: And me and ol' Lizzy here have been a polecat killin' and rattlesnake drillin' team for a long, long time!

Shorty: I'm goin' down to the cement pond to get a look at that Mark Templeton. I ain't never seen a feller that's half frog.
Daisy: Well don't let him get you under the water or he'll turn you into a frog.
Shorty: You're joshin'.
Daisy: Oh no I ain't. And if that happens, there's only two ways to turn you back.
Shorty: What are they?
Daisy: Take you to Dr. Klingner or get you kissed by a pretty girl.
Shorty: I'll take the pretty girl.

Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
Jed: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
Daisy: Got the Spirit, huh?
Shorty: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!

Shorty: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
Daisy: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
Jed: Yep.
Daisy: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.

Shorty: What time is the party supposed to commence?
Jethro: 8 o'clock. Mr. Drysdale said it might last all night.
Shorty: Doggone, I wish this was the north pole. Up there, the nights are 3 months long.

Elverna: Shorty, you're cute.
Shorty: You know somethin', after a month in the root cellar, you don't look bad yourself.

Shorty: I had 4 long weeks in that root cellar to meditate and reflect on my sins. I done a lot of prayin', lot of repentin'.
Jed: You done considerable eatin' too.
Shorty: All that prayin' and repentin' gives a feller an appetite.
Shad: As long as you was filled with the Spirit.
Shorty: Oh, I was. Granny left a couple of jugs in there.