Top 250 Quotes From Jethro Bodine

Jethro: That was Mrs. Drysdale. She says that she's gonna throw Granny's soap kettle into the ce-ment pond. Let's go watch the fun, Elly.

Jethro: [Jethro describes his experience at the car wash] I followed some arrows around into this here tunnel. I no sooner got inside , this dad-blamed cyclone busted loose.

Jane: Shall I show you your bedroom suite?
Jethro: [thinking Miss Jane is flirting] Sure, darlin'.

Jethro: I'm gonna pay for this car myself.
Daisy: How?
Jethro: Well that's where my education pays off. They let me figger out my own financin' plan. All I got to do is pay $4 a week.
Jed: For how long?
Jethro: 'Til 68.
Daisy: Why that's two years.
Jethro: No, Granny, 'til I'm 68.
Jed: Jethro, you take this thing back where you got it and fetch home the truck.
Jethro: Aw Uncle Jed, girls don't go for that truck, but with this baby, I can get me some action.
Daisy: You get out to the woodshed. I'll give you some action.
Jethro: Granny, I mean some swingin' action. I wanna be where things are jumpin'.
Daisy: Don't you worry. I'll be swingin' and you'll be jumpin'. Now git!

Jethro: Hey, you know that boat that was in the bottle?
Milburn: What do you mean, was?
Jethro: Well I got it out for ya.
Milburn: You didn't.
Jethro: Yes sir, it was easy. All I did was knock the bottom outta the bottle.

Jane: [Jethro is depressed because the new neighbor doesn't have a pretty maid] Jethro, if you're lonesome for feminine companionship, come to my place this evening.
Jethro: Do you have a pretty maid?

Jethro: I'm gonna have me a double helpin' of them steamed saunas. I'm hungry.

Jed: Whatcha doin'. boy?
Jethro: Learnin' this ol' hound dog to fetch sticks.
Jed: Seems to me you been at that about 10 years now.
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon he's just too dumb.
Jed: He's just too smart.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: What do Duke want with sticks? He ain't no beaver.
Jethro: But other dogs fetch sticks.
Jed: That's their problem. Duke's got you to do it fer him.

Jed: Granny's always felt special close to Gloria Swanson.
Daisy: We is look-a-likes, ya know.
Jethro: You and Gloria Swanson look-a-likes?
Daisy: If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times!
Jethro: Is she kiddin' Uncle Jed?
Jed: No, I've heard it a hundred times myself. Course it was always Granny that said it.

Jane: It looks as though you've decided to forgo Mrs. Drysdale's party.
Jethro: Oh yes Ma'am. We is all four goin'.

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Jed: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
Jethro: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
Jethro: He ain't President no more.
Daisy: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Jethro: You'll have to go back to your office, Elly May. This here is top secret stuff.
Elly: Okay nut nut.
Jethro: It's naught naught!

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute, Dash. I gotta talk to you.
Dash: Later, Jethro.
Jethro: Can't wait! I gotta talk to you right now!
Elly: Dash, I'll fix you up some donuts.
Dash: You heard her, I gotta get outta here.

Jed: Now Granny, you do the right thing and take this horse back where you bought it.
Daisy: I don't think they'll take it back. It was on sale.
Jethro: Yeah, 175 dollars.
Jed: For this critter?
Jethro: No sir, for the buggy. They threw in the horse for free.

Jed: Can't you see she's just usin' you to get what she wants. She's the most willful headstrong spoiled-rotten woman that...
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I'll have to ask you not to talk that way about the woman that I'm going to marry.

Daisy: Californy weather has took my appetite.
Jethro: Well it ain't took mine. I'm starvin!
Daisy: Go eat some smog.
Jed: You may have just solved one of the biggest problems out here, Granny. If he can trap that stuff on a plate, he might just get rid of it.

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Gladys: What are your hobbies, Jethro?
Jethro: Oh, uh, eatin'... eatin'... yeah, eatin'.
Gladys: Well one of mine is cookin'.
Jethro: Really?
Gladys: Yes.
Jethro: Gladys, this could be the start of somethin' big.

Jed: Turn ol' Duke loose so he can go in there and protect Elly.
Sonny: Now we'll practice diction and intonation at the same time. How now, brown cow. How now, brown cow.
Jethro: What's he talkin' about?
Jed: He thinks ol' Duke is a cow. You best fetch Granny. It appears to be she threw too strong a charm on that boy.

Harry: Excuse me, are you going to re-stage this?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I gonna re-stage this?
Elly: Yes J. B.
Commodore: Are you out of your mind?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I outta my mind?
Elly: Yes J. B.

Jed: Do you get the feelin' that Granny'd like us to make ourselves scarce?
Jethro: I don't. She told me to fix this keg.
[Granny picks up a piece of wood and shakes it at Jethro]
Jethro: I'm gettin' a feeling.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Date of Birth?
Jethro: December the 4th.
Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Year?
Jethro: No Ma'am, back home. We only been hyere a few weeks.

Jethro: It builds up your hemogoblins.

Dr. Eugene Twombly: Sounds like your grandmother is rather savage.
Jethro: Sometimes she's as ornery as a mud wasp in a dry gourd.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Violent temper.
Jethro: I'll say.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: You're afraid of her.
Jethro: Oh, yes sir.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: She's vicious.
Jethro: Well that's a fact.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Mean.
Jethro: Durn tootin'.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Cruel.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: You hate her.
Jethro: Granny? Why shes the sweetest little woman that ever lived.

Jethro: I could use some smoking jackets.
Daisy: What yer gonna get is some smokin' britches!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, look what they give me.
[shows him a $10 bill]
Jed: Hey, Granny, they just upped it to forty.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: You are in the 5th grade?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am, just finished three years in the 4th.

Jethro: Do you know any girls in New York?
Shifty: Oh, oodles of 'em.
Jethro: Any chorus girls?
Shifty: Some of the coarsest.

Jethro: You reckon he'll show up here, Uncle Jed?
Jed: [Elly May opens the door and dozens of cats come in] Well with our bait, I'd say there's a real good chance.

Milburn: Jethro, just pack up your stable, your stooges, your stuff and scram!
Jethro: I'm gonna give you one more chance. Do I get my private projection room, sauna bath, and helioport?
Milburn: Never!
Jethro: I just wanna straight yes or no answer.
Milburn: It's no!
Jethro: Make up your mind.
Milburn: Oh, get out!

Jed: Come on inside and set a spell, Mr. Leroy. Jethro'll fix yer car for ya.
Leroy: Well, I don't have much money.
Jed: Why, you'd insult Jethro if you offered him any money.
Jethro: No he wouldn't.

Jethro: [Jethro is wearing an ancient Roman uniform] She'll really go for me in this. This is what the emperor hisself wears.
Jane: Caesar?
Jethro: Not yet, but I figured to hold hands with her tonight.
Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office] Hail, Mr. Drysdale.
Jethro: Hail, Jethro. Hail? What's going on? What's this getup for?
Jethro: It's so I can make a hit with that beautiful Italian cook.
Jane: She'll see him as the noblest Roman of them all.
Milburn: Caesar?
Jane: Not yet, but he plans to hold hands with her tonight.
Milburn: When will I learn to stay in my own office and keep the door closed?

Elly: This here's a lion.
Jed: And you named him after Jethro?
Jethro: Yeah, cuz he's king of the beasts, huh Elly?
Jed: Nah, cuz he eats so much and his feet's so big.

Jethro: There's somethin' I'm gonna need right away and that's iron for my hat.
Jed: Iron for your hat?
Jethro: Yes sir. There was this fella in the movie that had a iron hat. He kept throwin' it at Double Naught Seven.
Jed: What fer?
Jethro: Tryin' to kill him.
Jed: Why didn't he just shoot him?
Jethro: I can't tell you that neither.

Daisy: Shoot us!
Jed: What?
Daisy: Don't leave us to the mercy of them red devils!
Jed: Drive on, boy.
Jethro: Ain't we gonna shoot 'em?
Jed: Drive on, boy!

Jethro: The fella said it's the world's oldest livin' horse.

Shifty: I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Jethro: They is friends of yours, huh?
Shifty: Chums, pals. In fact, when we enter the terminal, you may notice several of them converge upon me and begin to ask questions.
Daisy: What kind of questions?
Shifty: Oh, questions concerning unsolved crimes.

Jethro: Hey, watch them horns! I don't want you rippin' my fancy britches. Ow! You stepped on my toe!

Jed: I wouldn't do no laughin' around Granny, you'd be sleepin' horse style tonight.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Standin' up.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, if Granny marries Sam Drucker and he totes her off to Hooterville, you and me is goin' to starve to death. That's a terrible way to go.
Daisy: Elly has cooked some vittles.
Jethro: That's a even worse way to go.

Jed: Make us proud of you, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, by the way, that ain't my name no more. Us movie stars gotta use tough-soundin' names like Biff Steel, Crunch Hardtack, Race Burley.
Daisy: You got one?
Jethro: I thought myself up a dandy, Beef Jerky.

Sonny: How now, brown cow.
Elly: How now, brown cow.
Jethro: How's it goin', Uncle Jed?
Jed: Bad. Now he's got Elly believin' ol' Duke is a cow.

Jethro: I wish they was here so they could help me unload the truck and fry up a pan of them karate chops.

Mr. Brubaker: Have you heard anything from the police?
Jed: Well, no. For a while there, I was afraid Mrs. Drysdale next door was gonna call 'em, but we think we figured a way to keep her quiet. Jethro, you got that hole dug for Mrs. Drysdale?
Jethro: Yes sir, Uncle Jed.
Jed: Fine and dandy. We'll plant her as soon as we take car of Granny.

Milburn: Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.
Jethro: Hot diggety dog!
[Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego]
Jethro: Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute. Are you fixin' to give him my head?

Jethro: I'm goin' back to bein' a brain surgeon.
Jed: How come you kept the suit?
Jethro: I'm gonna be workin' mostly around bull rings
Jed: Lot of call for brain surgeon in there.
Jethro: They's gotta be Uncle Jed. Anybody that fights bulls for a livin' needs a lot of work on his brain.

Elly: Miss Jane straightened me out on that bullfightin' business.
Jethro: She did, huh?
Elly: Yeah, it turns out you don't hand wrassle him at all.
Jethro: Just kinda wastin' your time, huh?
Elly: Yeah, but I know what to do now.
Jethro: What's the tablecloth fer?
Elly: For the bull.
Jethro: Now wait a minute, boy, let your Granny cook him first!

Jethro: [sees sign for Marineland feeding hours] Hot dog! Lookit that. Marines gets fed 6 times a day.

Linda: Do you have any pets?
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon our ol' hound dog, Duke, is my pet.
Linda: Any hobbies?
Jethro: Mm hmm, he likes to chase squirrels.
Linda: I mean you, Jethro.
Jethro: Yeah, I like to chase 'em too.

Elly: What's that about my new maid?
Jethro: Jethro's enamored of her.
Daisy: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.

Jethro: How do I love thee, let me cypher the ways.

Jed: I'm about of a notion that that little fella needs fixin' more than his car.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Well uh, turns out that we had his name backwards and he didn't have the gumption to tell us.
Elly: He is right skittish.
Jed: I believe that a good-sized bunny rabbit could face him down.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Somebody has sure gone and messed up this poor man's ceement.
Jethro: Looks like there was a whole bunch of 'em.
Jethro: Bold rascals too. Wasn't enough to go tromping through it with their feet, they had to stick their hands in it too and write their names!

Jed: If that's paint on that table, you'd better move and fast.
Jethro: We had to use the table, Uncle Jed. This pointer needs a flat smooth surface.
Jed: When Granny sees that paint, she'll put that kind of finish on the seat of your pants.

Jethro: [explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow.

Jed: You one of them double naught spies?
Mabel: No.
Jethro: They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36.
Mabel: Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves.
Jed: Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that a whatever it means.

Jethro: Hey Uncle Jed! You shoulda seen Granny whoop Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: I was protecting our property. She was tresspassin'.
Jed: Maybe she come over to talk, just to get somethin' off her chest.
Jethro: She sure did. Granny was sittin' on it.

Daisy: Jethro, have you ever had a busted heart and tromped-on visions of orange blossoms and rice?
Jethro: No. But cook it, I'll eat it!
Daisy: Jethro, you don't understand. Your cousin Elly has taken leave of her senses. She has fell for the ugliest goomer that ever lived. She's goin' out with him in public. She's goin' to shame her family and ruin her life. Let that soak in for a minute.
Jethro: ...Okay, now can we eat?

Daisy: I gotta run over and check on Mr. Drysdale. I'm doctorin' him for a bad case of the flu.
Jethro: Has he got the Hong Kong strain?
Daisy: No, I don't think he strained his hong kong.
Jethro: You're some doctor. You don't even know what the Hong Kong strain is.
Daisy: Changed your mind about eatin', huh?

Dean: Will you please explain what this little woman wants?
Jethro: Yessir, she wants folks to call her a doctor.
Daisy: And it's high time too.
Dean: Indeed it is.
[picks up the phone]
Dean: Get me Dr. Neimeyer in Psychiatry.

Daisy: You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie?
Jethro: Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks.
Daisy: [to Jed] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I?
Jethro: Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jethro: Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.

Jethro: The only thing I know is that them rascals is sure hard to kill. After you shoot 'em, you gotta club 'em.

Jed: You mind explainin' to me what a guru is?
Jethro: Guru is one of them teachers over in India. They know all the secrets of the far east. They teach you how to meditate, go out of your mind.
Jed: I think you're gettin the hang of that.

Jethro: You see, double naught spies is what you call irresistable to women. This fella spent most of his time fightin' and lovin' and lovin' and fightin' and lovin' some more.

Jethro: These are the last 2 jugs of moonshine in the root cellar, Granny. Can I have somethin' to eat now?
Daisy: What did you call that?
Jethro: Moonshine. Can I have somethin' to eat now? I'm starvin'.
Daisy: That is flu serum!
Jethro: Granny, that's corn squeezin's.
Daisy: You want somethin' to eat?
Jethro: Sure do.
Daisy: Then tell me agin what this is.
Jethro: Oh, that's flu serum.

Jane: How is your Uncle Jed manageing?
Jethro: I ain't seen much of him since Elly commenced cookin'. He's got his hidin' place, I got mine.

Jethro: [Jethro is dancing with the harem girls] Hey Uncle Jed, if you're wonderin' on what to get me for my birthday, well...

Jed: For a while there, you was keen on bein' a brain surgeon.
Jethro: Why, them rascals don't even lay in the same kraut barrel with the double naughts. Why, a brain surgeon might go for days without doin' no worthwhile fightin' or lovin'.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.
Jed: Turn her loose!
Jethro: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.
Granny: Can you?
Janet: No I can't!
Jane: I can Jethro, capture me!

Jethro: Listen Granny, I just found out its 8 hours later in England than it is here.
Daisy: So?
Jethro: I'm 8 hours behind in my eatin'.
Daisy: Oh, don't bother me. I got an emergency long distance call.
Jethro: But Granny, I'm starvin'. I'm desperate. I can't wait.
Daisy: Let Elly cook you somethin'.
Jethro: I can wait.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, It took us 6 days to get out here. How are we gonna get back home in 5 or 6 hours?
Jed: That bus driver must know a doozy of a short-cut.

Jewelry: Now, this is the engagement ring.
Jethro: Thank you.
Jewelry: You might, in a subtle way of course, let the bride know that she is getting ten perfect carats.
Jed: Well that's mighty nice of you.
Daisy: Nice, my foot. After the money you spent, he could at least send her a smoked ham.
Jewelry: And here are madame's lovely earrings and necklace.
Daisy: How many carrots did I git?
Jewelry: About fifty, but of course they're not perfect.
Daisy: Well in that case, I'll take turnips.
Jewelry: And for mademoiselle, this beautiful diamond bracelet.
Elly: Do I get some carrots too?
Jewelry: Oh yes indeed, about thirty.
Jed: You sure are generous with your vegetables.
Jewelry: So are you, sir. You're going to be sending me a lot of cabbage.
Jed: I am?
Jewelry: Yes, cabbage is money.
Jed: Well, your store, but I'll be dogged if I see how you stay in business.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, will you look at this? Ellie made me bullets for your rifle.
Elly: Them is lady fingers!

Jethro: And then I kissed her.
Jed: You did?
Jethro: I did, there was still some icing left on her lips.

Jethro: [reading Dash Riprock's notes] Let's make this our evening to remember.
Susie: Go jump in the lake.
Jethro: [reading Dash Riprock's notes] I'll be looking forward to it.

Jethro: [repeated line; to Miss Jane] Sure, darlin'.

Jane: Have you ever stayed in a beautiful hotel suite?
Jethro: No I ain't, darling.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Jethro: Wait till my real crystal ball gets here. I'll show you I can predict things, you dumb ol' turkey brain.
Elly: I predict somethin' right now. You're gonna get hit so hard, you're gonna have a 6-foot neck.

Jed: Where are we, Jethro?
Jethro: We is in what's called Hyde Park.
Daisy: Good! Pull up to them bushes and let's hide.

Jethro: This belongs to a feller by the name of El Magnifico. He's been fightin' bulls for 10 years.
Jed: If he don't like 'em, why don't he stay outta the pasture?
Jethro: He don't fight 'em for spite, he fights 'em for money.
Jed: He gets paid?
Jethro: Yeah, thousands of dollars.
Jed: For fightin' bulls?
Jethro: Yeah.
Jed: Boy, somebody's been greenin' you.

Jed: Miss Jane is comin' out here today with the Beverly Hills Nest of The Biddle Birdwatchers. Why don't you meet some of them girls?
Jethro: Uncle Jed, you ever seen any of them birdwatchers? Heck fire, I'd just as soon look at the birds.

Daisy: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
Elly: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
Daisy: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank you, Granny.
Jethro: Yeah, thanks Granny.
Daisy: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!

Jethro: [Granny is trying to cook Mr. Sebastian's giant sea sponge] Hot Dog! Look at the size of that mushroom!

Daisy: The way you was showin' off, you'll never get outta her clutches.
Jethro: She got you in her clutches, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Course not. I just took the woman dancin' one night. That don't hardly put me in her clutches.
Daisy: Ha! She's got her painted finger nails in you like a fistful of fish hooks!

Jane: You sit down. I shall serve you the food and we'll discuss our future.
Jethro: Our what?
Jane: Oh there are plans to be made, dear boy. For example, when shall we have our nuptials?
Jethro: Well, let's have 'em with the biscuits and red eye gravy.

Jed: Do spies get to wear fancy uniforms?
Jethro: Gee, I dunno?
Jed: You could use with some new duds. Them britches of yours look like you're fixin' to wade a crick.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, I almost hated to gradiate. I was a real BMOC.
Jed: A what.
Jethro: Well that stands for Big Man on Campus. As a matter of fact, I was a OMOC, Only Man on Campus.

Jethro: Granny says that all the men folks gotta stay outta the house while Elly May's takin' her bath.
Jane: But isn't Elly May bathing in the privacy of her own bedroom suite?
Jed: [to Jethro] Hear what she call you? Sweet.

Jed: Granny will cut taxes?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's a real popular campaign promise. Everybody from mayor to president makes that one.
Jed: But Granny ain't... well I reckon she can keep it about as good as the others have.

Daisy: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
Jed: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
Jethro: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
Daisy: A bear?
Jethro: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.

Jethro: Hey Elly, get away from that bull!
Elly: Ain't he cute, Jethro. I'm gonna call him Marvin.

Milburn: Just pack them up and clear out.
Jethro: You keep this up and I'm gonna move to another building.
Milburn: Great!

Elly: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.
Daisy: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?
Jed: Pitiful
Jethro: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!
Jed: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.
Daisy: What was it he called that big crawdad?
Elly: That was Lobster Thermidor.
Jethro: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Daisy: Jethro! Save me!
Jethro: Okay Granny, quick as I finish eatin' these grits.

Jethro: [Jethro is showing off his new outfit] This here was wore by Francis Drake.
Jed: Well it would look better on her.
Jethro: Francis Drake was a man, fightin' man, a sailor.
Jed: Any sailor runnin' around like that better be a fightin' man.

Daisy: [Jethro and Elly May try to restrain Granny] Ain't you got no respect? Can't you see I got one foot in my grave?
Jethro: No, but I can sure feel the other one in my stomach.
Elly: We dasn't let go, Granny. You'll go down and whomp Mrs. Drysdale.

Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale hurt himself when he bent over to pick up the ball] Your sacroiliac again?
Elly: Yes. Get me home quick before Granny tries to doctor me.

Jethro: With him bein' Mrs. Drysdale's Pa, if he were to marry Granny, would that make Mrs. Drysdale my Ma?
Jed: 'Course not, boy. Strictly speakin', Granny's not your granny, she's Elly's granny. Your Ma, who is my Cousin Pearl is Elly's great aunt on account of her Ma and my Pa was brother and sister and that makes us first cousins. Now I married Granny's daughter, so Pearl by marriage... that is to say, my Pa... well anyway I think yer a grand nephew.
Jethro: Thank you. I think you're a swell uncle too.

John: J.D. Clampett, that's Drysdale's star depositor. What is your connection with him?
Jethro: Well, he's my... oh no, if there's any secret blabbin' to be done around here, she's gonna do it.
Mabel: Me?
John: What makes you think so?
Jethro: Well Heck Fire! That's what always happens when a double naught spy tangles with a pretty girl. One kiss and she spills the beans. Watch this.
[He kisses her and when they finish he's in a daze]
Jethro: J.D. Clampett is my uncle. He has pert near 50 million dollars in Mr. Drysdale's bank. My cousin Elly May commenced workin' there today.
John: Well that's very interesting.
[nods to Miss Slocum]
Mabel: [Miss Slocum kisses Jethro again] What else can you tell us?
Jethro: You keep kissin', I'll think of somethin'.

Jethro: Where we goin', Granny?
Daisy: To that greedy college.
Jethro: I think it's Greely.
Daisy: I think it's greedy... and as long as it is, I'm gonna buy me one of them half-hour doctor certificates.
Jethro: Hey Granny, how about buyin' me one to be a brain surgeon?
Daisy: I'll price it.

Jethro: I'm killin' myself.
Jed: When?
Jethro: Right now.
Jed: How are you doin' it?
Jethro: I'm starvin to death.
Daisy: Starvin' to death?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I ain't had no vittles all day. Another few minutes and I'll be dead.

Jethro: Every night, Anne Boleyn is rollin' her head up and down the halls. The whole palace sounds like a bowlin' alley.

Daisy: [standing next to a painting of Gloria Swanson] Ya notice how our eyes is alike?
Jethro: Yeah, you both got two.

Jed: By doggies, it happened just the way Mr. Shafer said it would. Them New York police sure was glad to see him.
Daisy: We no sooner set foot in the building when three of them came rushin' up to him.
Jethro: Grabbed him by the arms and purt near carried him out.

Jed: Well, who might this young lady be?
Jethro: She's Miss Kitty Devine, the girl that called me a creep, run over my foot, and sicced her dog on me. My sweetheart!

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Jethro: Listen, Uncle Jed, can I get me a spy car?
Jed: What's a spy car?
Jethro: Oh, wait till you hear about that rascal! It's got a top that flies off and a seat that if you set in it, it throws you from here to yonder, and it drops oil on the road so a feller followin' you will skid, and it shoots out smoke so he can't see.
Jed: Sounds a heap like the truck.

Jethro: Who's comin'?
Daisy: The widow Poke, the finest cook in Cass county and the purtiest young woman ever to come outta the hills.
Jethro: Hmm, three of 'em, huh?

Daisy: Jed, fetch my medical bag.
Jed: Are you hurt, Granny?
Daisy: No, it's for the general.
[Jethro is dressed like Patton]
Jethro: I ain't hurt.
Daisy: I ain't down there yet.

Jethro: [Jed just lit two matches with one bullet] The bullet bounced off the wall and got 'em both. What do we shoot at now, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Well, let's smear a dab of sorghum on the wall and commence to pickin' off flies.

Jed: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.
Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!
Jed: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Jed: There is them that say, "This ain't our quarrel. We ain't Californy folks born and bred." But I say, this state has been mighty good to us, and when trouble starts, we ain't about to run and hide. That's enough talk. Let's get to fightin'.
Jethro: And eatin'.

Jethro: I couldn't find no wretchweed or dogbane either. Couldn't find no lizard eggs nor dried beetles.
Daisy: How can you be a doctor in Beverly Hills without the proper medicine?

Mr. Pinckney: Where are my quarters?
Jethro: Forget it. Granny says no tippin'.

Jethro: This is what you call a Squeegee board.

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Jethro: Mrs. Drysdale even hired us.
Jed: To do what?
Jethro: Stay away.

Jethro: I need to talk to you. I got trouble.
Jed: What kind of trouble?
Jethro: Girl trouble.
Jed: What kind of girl trouble?
Jethro: The worst kind. I ain't got one.

Jethro: Aw gee, y'all treat me like I'm a kid! I'm a graduate of the 6th grade!

Mr. Pinckney: Young man, kindly remove your cousin from the chandelier.
Jethro: Oh heck, Bessie ain't my cousin.
Mr. Pinckney: Really?

Jethro: Granny, the id's in the brain. I reckon that's where the word "idiot" comes from.

Jethro: Shucks, when it comes to lovin', I'm greener than a gourd.
Milburn: But when your Uncle Jed said that, you replied, "That's what you think."
Jethro: Yessir, that's what I think too.

Jethro: Vittles is all she thinks about. Watch this - Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: See. She must have mentioned chow at least a dozen times today already. Senor Maria, this here's my Uncle Jed.
Jed: Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: There she goes again.

Jethro: I'm in love.
Jed: Who with?
Jethro: Purt near every girl I see.

Jethro: That ain't red gravy, that's what you call marijuana sauce.

Jane: I think you should forget about becoming an intelligence agent.
Jethro: Is that the same thing as a spy?
Jane: Yes, it's a dreadfully dangerous occupation and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
Jethro: That's one of the good things about bein' a double naught spy. You can get shot, stabbed, blowed up, drowned, and everythin'. The first thing you know, they is back huggin' the girls again, good as new.

Emaline: The police are looking for Emaline Fetty. I gotta change it.
Jethro: Oh yeah... I got it! Elvirna Fetty.
Emaline: I think the Fetty has to go too. What I need is a city name.
Jethro: How about Chicago?
Emaline: No, I mean a Christian name.
Jethro: What about St. Louis?

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jethro: How soon will this mess be ready, Granny?
Daisy: What did you call my vittles?
Jethro: Oh, that's military talk. When us officers eat, we call it a mess and this here is a mess hall.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Now then, How do you gentlemen like your tea?
Jethro: We don't know Ma'am. We ain't tasted it yet.

Jethro: This is goodbye, Uncle Jed,
Jed: Goodbye, boy.
Jethro: We won't meet again 'til you see me on the other side.
Jed: Other side of what?
Jethro: The table. I'll be home for supper.

Elly: Yonder's the statue of Daniel Webster.
Jed: He must be a pretty famous fellow, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, heck yeah. There's a whole book wrote about him. It's called a dictionary.

Jethro: Oh, here's somethin' else Mr. Drysdale sent over.
[he opens a box of golf shoes with cleats]
Jed: By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is. First you shoot 'em, then you club 'em, then you stomp 'em with spikes.
Elly: That ain't all. Miss Jane says to me she says, "When your Pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell 'em to watch out for the traps."
Jed: Traps too? Oooh I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.

Jethro: I'da made it too if I hadn't run into that doggone ol' shark.
Jed: Shark? I hear they bites pretty vicious.
Jethro: Oh, he got in the first lick. Then I grabbed that rascal and chomped him more ways than trout lays in a barrel.

Jethro: What are you holdin' under the table, Uncle Jed?
Jed: None of your business, now get out.
Jethro: Why, you're polishin' your shoes! Hey Ma, Granny, Elly May, Uncle Jed's polishin' his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Daisy: You ate the whole thing?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am. Didn't have a lot of flavor, but it was mighty fillin'. I never seen anything soak up so much gravy.

Jethro: Wait'll you see her. She's purty as a mess of fried catfish.
Jed: Granny, the boy's in love. Ain't no girl ever come up to fried catfish before.

Colonel: Jethro,fortunately we take into consideration the amount of formal education a boy has had, and we grade on the curve, so you are eligible to join.
Jethro: Hey, that's swell!
Colonel: However, before I administer the oath, there are a couple of things I'd like to discuss with you.
Jethro: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Now, let's take your application, you're going to be filling out a lot of other forms and I want to give you a tip.
Jethro: Thank ya!
Colonel: Name, address, date of birth, that's okay, but Jethro, where it says sex: write 'male', not 'oh, boy!'
Jethro: [Embarrassed] I'm sorry.

Jed: Jethro, I gotta admire your brain.
Jethro: Why thank you.
Jed: Now that I've admired it, git it outta here.

Jed: You used to tote her books to school.
Jethro: Oh, yeah, I used to call her Cupcake.
Jed: Cupcake?
Jethro: Sweetest thing I ever put my lips to.
Jed: Louellen was?
Jethro: No, the cupcakes she used to tote to school in her lunch box.

Jethro: Oh boy, when she looks at me, I can feel it clean down to my toes!
First: No wonder. She ran over your foot.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: What's the use of trying to talk to you people? You're illiterate cretins!
Daisy: Was that good or bad?
Jethro: Hard to tell. It could go either way.

Jethro: Now you're gonna find out what happens when you insult General "Buzz" Bodine.
Elly: What's "Buzz" mean?
Daisy: Buzzard, what else?

Jethro: Uncle Jed, couldn't we talk about this some other time when I ain't starvin'?
Jed: There ain't that much time in life, boy.

Jethro: How come she don't make no more movies?
Jed: Well Jethro, I understand that's the show business. One day, you're livin' high on the hog, next day you're down to wearin' a cat-skin coat.

Cousin: Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California.
Jethro: Don't look at me, I didn't take it!

Jethro: And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken. Only thing is it don't sound like a chicken. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise.
Jed: [Jed finds a croquet ball and picks it up to examine it] I reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too if you was to lay a egg like that.

Linda: You mean you have a steady girl?
Jethro: Oh no, she's a little shaky,

Elly: Granny, it's for your health. Why Mr. Drysdale says it lowers your kesterol.
Jethro: That's cholester oil.
Daisy: Well it lowered his till it was draggin'.

Jethro: If you hadn't made me turn loose that Grunion I captured, I'da had her unload the truck.
Jed: We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy.
Daisy: That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness.
Jethro: Granny, you sure do get things twisted.
Daisy: Do as I say, or you're goin' to get things twisted, startin' with your neck!

Wilkins: At present, he's on a diet of Swiss yogurt. We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
Jed: Jethro, get out yer rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
Jethro: Okay, Uncle Jed. Oh, and I'll take little Deusey along to make sure I shoot the right kind.

Jethro: Please don't cry, Miss Jane. Your biscuits are better'n mine. Leastwise they's softer. And your gravy smells just scrumptious.
Jane: The gravy is good?
Jethro: Well I betcha it would be if I could get it outta the bowl. It sure did set up fast.

Cousin: Beauty is only skin deep, son.
Jethro: Well, she must have awful deep skin.

Jethro: [from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!
Jed: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.

Daisy: You should have seen the two of them cuttin' didos on the dance floor last night.
Jethro: They stomped up a storm, huh Granny?
Daisy: They were bouncin' around like a couple of chickens in high rye!

Jed: I reckon with our stuff outta there, ain't nothin' left anyone would wanna take, 'cept them old pictures.
Jethro: Oh, Miss Hathaway says a couple of them pictures is Rembrandt's.
Jed: Alright, after Christmas, we'll see he gets 'em back.

Jethro: [lighting the candles on Granny's birthday cake] This thing is commencing to look like a brush fire.

Milburn: You mean to tell me you shoot flies sitting on that wall out there?
Jed: No, that wouldn't be sportin'. We get 'em on the wing.
Milburn: Impossible.
Jethro: Oh no it ain't, Mr. Drysdale. We just smear a little sorghum on the wall and get 'em when they buzz in for a landin'.
Jed: The trick is not to get a bee. You get a bee, you miss your turn.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You wouldn't want to miss the honor of being queen.
Daisy: It ain't just the honor, why there's a fortune in prizes, startin' with the weighin' in ceremony.
Jed: First off, the queen gets her wight in possums.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: How exciting.
Daisy: And that ain't all. Then comes the lettin' out ceremony.
Jed: On Possum Day, all the prisoners gets let outta jail.
Daisy: And from then on, its just one big to-do after another.
Jed: Mule-shoein' contest.
Elly: Mud wrasslin' and rock thowin'.
Jethro: Crawdad-eatin' contest.
Daisy: Prizes for the longest hair and the biggest feet.
Jed: Keep talkin' like that and Mrs. Drysdale will hop right on and go with us. Ain't that right, Mrs. Drysdale?

Milburn: [Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.
Jed: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?
Milburn: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

Jethro: [Jethro is being electrocuted by his Bodine-o-phone] Oo oo turn me off. Oo oo pull me loose. Oo oo cut the juice!
Kingsley: He's even got a hit song.

Jethro: I ain't been wastin' time, Granny. I been goin' to cool school.
Daisy: What kind of a fool school is cool school?

Jed: Granny, the boy has been thrown outta that tree a couple times on his head.
Jethro: It ain't just that I got to fight Elly up there in that treetop. She'll have her bobcat up there to help her, a raccoon and her possum and no tellin' what all.
Jed: There goes a little ape to join her side.
Jethro: Son of a gun can hang on with one hand and hit you with three!

Jed: Maybe you gotta be some kind of a genius to appreciate art like that.
Jethro: Nah, Uncle Jed. I can't see nothin' in it either.

Jethro: Who's the patient?
Daisy: His name is Fairchild.
Jethro: Okay... Hey, wait a minute. You mean Elly's bear?
Daisy: That's right. I gotta remove a letter out of his stomach.
Jethro: I ain't gonna hold down a bear while you whittle on him!

Jethro: Granny, whereabouts do you want the still?
Daisy: Over here on this side of the "ceement" pond

Marvin: [Marvo performs a disappearing bowl trick with Jethro as his assistant] Gone, vanished.
Jethro: No it ain't Mr. Marvo. Here it is under this here tray.

Daisy: Remember what Williams Jennings Bryan said, "Fight hard, but fight clean."
Jethro: Well you ain't fightin' clean, Granny.
Daisy: 'Course I ain't! Williams Jennings Bryan was a loser!

Jethro: How 'bout some more of that white meat?
Milburn: That was my hand and keep away from it.

Daisy: Aaaa! Elly May's drownin' my hawg! Quick, Jethro, jump in and pull him out! Give him mouth-to-mouth ressitation!
Jethro: [the hippo opens its jaws and growls] I ain't gettin' close to them jowls till they's on a plate.

Jethro: You know somethin' Jed? That there is a real dumb dog.
Jed: Well I don't think he's so dumb, Jethro. He just learned you how to fetch sticks for him.

Elly: Oh, they's fixin' to shoot my gorilla!
Jethro: They is just tranquilizer guns to calm him down.
Jed: Can we get 'em to take a shot at Granny?

Jethro: Where you gonna sleep?
Daisy: I can sleep anyplace. I got a warm blanket, a loaded shotgun, and a full jug.

Jed: You cut down one of our trees to make that?
Jethro: No sir. Cut down one of Mrs. Drysdale's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: So Granny won't know about it.
Jed: Well, Mrs. Drysdale will know about it. She's gonna yell bloody murder.
Jethro: She ain't home.
Jed: When she comes home and sees what you done, she'll likely call the police.
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it looked like a beaver done it.

Jed: I reckon it'd hurt Mr. Drysdale's feelin's considerable if he was to find out we didn't eat his fish.
Jethro: But Uncle Jed, I purt near broke a tooth on that thing.
Daisy: If Jethro can't bite through it, nobody can.

Daisy: Jethro, I want you to wear this uniform with pride and valor, like my grand daddy wore it in the great war.
Jethro: Granny, that's a Confederate uniform!
Daisy: You bet it is, and this is the sword he used to defend our country when the North invaded America!

Elly: I've got my financing for Las Vegas, a rich widow.
Jethro: Really?
Elly: Yeah, we're forming a partnership.
Jethro: Ha! Good luck.
Elly: You don't object?
Jethro: Why should I? Her money isn't in my bank... is it?
Elly: As a matter of fact it is.
Jethro: You don't mean Granny?
Elly: I call her Daisy. She calls me Lowell.
Jethro: Why you Beacon Hill bunko artist!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya.
Jed: What is it, boy?
Jethro: I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it.
Jethro: Well come on, get it over with.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon.
Jed: Well I reckon I can bear up under that.

Daisy: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
Jed: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
Jethro: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Jethro: [Jed has given Jethro a letter to take to the bank] Hot diggity dog! I'ma carry this down to the bank, and I'ma carry me a girl back!
Jed: Whoa, whoa! It ain't as simple as all that. Even if you *should* find the right girl, you gotta make courtin' talk with her.
Jethro: I do?
Jed: Why, of course!
Jethro: Well, Uncle Jed, how do you make courtin' talk?
Jed: Well... ya gotta kinda sidle into it, like, you start off with, uh, 'Nice day, ain't it?' Then you work around to where it looks like gonna be a nice night, for a walk, or a drive, or dance. Of course, along the way, ya gotta throw in a couple of 'My, ain't you pretty's', and, uh, 'I bet you're a dandy dancer.' What do you think about that?
Jethro: I catch on now, Uncle Jed!
Jed: All right, boy, ya got enough to get ya started.
Jethro: Yes, sir. Yee-haw!
[Jethro runs out]
Jed: Some girl is in for a *mighty* spirited courtship!

Jed: Miss Jane wasn't foolin' when she said this rascal was stronger than 12 men.
Jethro: Man, if we ever get him calmed down, he's gonna be a wood-choppin', plow-pullin' son of a gun.

Lafe: Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls.
Jethro: Well, that leaves out Essie Belle. She's about two girls and a HALF!

Jethro: My lips are sealed.
Jed: Only time your lips are sealed is when you got a mouthful of soup.

Jane: [wearing a blonde wig] Jethro, I have found that the intellectual approach has a limited appeal, romantically speaking, so I have decided to become a glamour girl. What do you think of the idea?
Jethro: Well, I think it's swell.
Jane: Thank you.
Jethro: When ya gonna start?

Cousin: Trouble is we don't know no doctors.
Elly: Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.
Cousin: Jethro's a human being, Elly May.
Jethro: Thank you, Ma.

Daisy: I'll learn you to pick on a poor, weak, helpless ol' lady.
[bends the steel bars on the cage and goes in after the gorilla]
Jethro: Lookit that.
Jed: He hadn't ought to got Granny riled.
Daisy: You're goin' to the woodshed. And when I'm done with you, your heart won't be the only thing burnin'.

Milburn: Allow me to present you with this box of cigars.
Jed: Well thank you. What's the occasion?
Milburn: Wait till you hear. Now, listen to this: Mr. Clampett, at this moment, you have now got $90 million.
Jethro: [Jethro enters] Howdy Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Jethro
Jed: Hey, Jethro, guess what I got?
Jethro: What?
Jed: A box of cigars.

Jane: Soon I shall be cooking for you all the time.
Jethro: You will?
Jane: Of course. Three meals a day.
Jethro: I ain't cuttin' down to three meals a day! No ma'am! Uh-uh! Not me! No!

Daisy: Take this down to the truck and don't let nobody know what we're doin'.
Jethro: That'll be easy. I don't know, myself.
Daisy: We're gonna find that Goodbody goomer before he gets on the operatin' table tomorrow.
Jethro: How come we have to keep it a secret?
Daisy: Cause even after seein' what the new miracle drugs like newt eggs and wahoo bark can do, there's still folks that won't accept modern medicine.

Daisy: We ain't goin' to Pasadena.
Jethro: How else we gonna get Pasadena berries?
Daisy: jethro, Granny just said that to get us outta the house so we wouldn't find out what's got her jumpy as a grasshopper in a chicken pen.

Jethro: How do you like my accent?
Milburn: It's atrocious.
Jethro: No no, it's French.

Jethro: Elly, you ain't been as fer in school as me. I've read whole books on the stuff and girls can't be knights.
Elly: Why not?
Jethro: Don't ask me. Ask King Arthur. The best you can be is a maiden or a damsel.

Jed: What we gonna do about Mr. Lester?
Jethro: Yeah, suppose he's still sleepin' when we is ready to start out.
Daisy: We'll just lay him out front on the grass.
Jed: On the grass, with rheumatiz?
Daisy: I'll leave a jug alongside of him. For a week or so, he won't care *where* he is.

Jane: Jethro, have you been upstairs yet?
Jethro: No Ma'am.
Jane: Then you have a surprise coming to you.
Jethro: What is it?
Jane: Your suite.
Jethro: So are you.

Jethro: Well I ain't gonna ask for no more of them karate chops.

Daisy: Did you see that coat?
Jed: I reckon that explains what happened to the other 5 cats.
Elly: Awful!
Daisy: Poor woman.
Jethro: She's really hard up. ain't she?
Jed: She is for a fact. It's bad enough havin' to sell her bathtub, but when it comes to skinnin' her cats for clothes...
[the Clampletts leave, crying]

Cousin: Jethro, why don't you try usin' your head for thinkin'?
Jethro: I HAVE tried Ma, and it hurts.

Jed: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it.
Daisy: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'.
Jed: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Jed: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.

Linda: You seem low.
Jethro: That's cuz I'm sittin' down.

Jethro: I'm havin' hog livers.
Waiter: We have no hog livers.
Jethro: Alright, then deep fry 'em in possum fat.

Jethro: Doggone it, Uncle Jed, I bet you ol' Double Naught Seven wouldn't let nobody swat him on the seat of his britches and send him runnin' for beans and fatback.
Jed: Ol' Double Naught Seven ain't never run into Granny.

Jethro: Hot diggety dog! Is this ship our'n?
Daisy: No. I think it's wood.

Daisy: I'm going to give you and Mr. Drysdale a general anesthesia.
Jethro: You mean you're gonna knock us out with that mallet?
Daisy: Maybe not. Your head is too thick and his is too thin. I'll give you gas. Go stick yer head in the oven.

Jethro: Is there any limit on dragons?
John: You are at liberty to slay as many as you can find.

Jethro: [as Leo Durocher is about to hit a golf ball] Whomp it Mr. Durocher!

Jethro: I need a aide.
Daisy: First aid is what you're gonna need.

Jed: Now make us proud of ya. You are Vice President in charge of my money.
Jethro: Don't worry, Uncle Jed. When I get through handlin' it, you're gonna have a million dollars.
Jed: Jethro.
Jethro: Yes sir?
Jed: I got 50 million now.

Daisy: Jethro will know what them big words means. He's been plumb through the 6th grade.
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All you gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In, compat, able, overt, offense.
Daisy: What does it mean?
Jethro: It means: you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.

Jethro: [Jethro is trying to get his bull to fight him] Well come on, I'se spottin' you 800 pounds.

Jed: Forget for a minute that you're Elly May's cousin. Now speakin' as just a young feller, whose figure would you pick? Miss Jane's or Elly May's?
Jethro: Well, Miss Jane's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: Heck fire, if I had Elly's figure, I'd look like a girl!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, appearances is the smallest part of Roto-Romance. True love depends on our cards.
Jed: I'd say you'd been dealt a losin' hand.

Daisy: Young'uns, you know the code of the hills. What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing a friend can do to his neighbor?
Elly: Tell the revenooers he's got a still.

Daisy: I just remembered, I need some stuff for my new tonic. You'all go git it fer me.
Jed: What do you need?
Daisy: Pasadena berries.
Elly: Pasadena berries?
Jethro: I never heard of them.
Jed: What do they look like?
Daisy: You'll find out when you get to Pasadena.

Jed: I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands.
Jethro: And come out fightin'.

Elly: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Armstrong: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
Elly: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
Armstrong: At present, we're on the Civil War.
Daisy: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
Jed: You boys run along now, you're excused.
Daisy: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
Jed: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
Daisy: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
Jed: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
[winks at Dueser]
Daisy: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
Armstrong: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
Daisy: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
Jethro: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
Armstrong: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
Daisy: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."

Daisy: [Faking serious illness] I'm goin' to join the angels.
Jethro: [Referring to California baseball teams] Well, they's doin' better than the Dodgers!

Sheldon: Easy, Clyde, that's a masterpiece! They'll be digging that a hundred years from now.
Jethro: Not where I'm gonna bury it.

Jethro: We ain't gonna make it to the woods back home. With the gas we got, we'll be doin' good if we get outside the city limits.
Jed: How far can we go?
Jethro: Beats me. We is runnin' on wishful thinkin' right now.
Jed: You better find the first, big, thick, green woods you can.
[engine starts to sputter]
Jed: First place you see more than two trees together, pull over.

Shorty: Jethro, am I glad to see you!
Jethro: Did you chop all this wood, Shorty?
Shorty: Every stick of it. Granny's been holding that shotgun on me for 2 hours, makin' me work my fool head off. Will you take over?
Jethro: Sure
[takes Granny's shotgun]
Jethro: I'll watch him, Granny.
Daisy: If he makes a break for it, give him both barrels.

Jethro: Can I have the rest of the stew now?
Jed: Give it to him, Granny.
Daisy: Shall I give him the bone too?
Jed: If you can stand the noise.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: [Mr. Drysdale tries to drag Mrs. Drysdale back to the car by her fox stole] Let go, you beast!
Jethro: [Jethro thinks a fox is attacking her and grabs a shotgun] Step aside lady, I'll shoot it.
[Mrs. Drysdale turns and sees Jethro, screams and throws her hand up. The fox stole flies up in the air and Jethro blasts it]

Jethro: When Granny says somethin's gonna happen, it happens.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Sounds like she has remarkable powers.
Jethro: Strongest little woman you ever did see.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: I meant clairvoyant powers. Would you say she's a medium?
Jethro: No sir. I'd say she's a small. She's strong as a medium and if she ever took a switch to you, you'd know it.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Has she ever taken a switch to you?
Jethro: She sure has, whoo-oo!
Dr. Eugene Twombly: And you stood for it?
Jethro: Last time, I stood for purt near two days.

Jethro: Am I glad you is all back. Especially you, Granny. I love you. Can I carry you to the house?
Daisy: Oh, if it makes you happy, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh it does. I wanna get you to the stove as quick as I can.

Lafayette: Let's have no more of this runnin' after other girls. Ain't no boy can love two girls.
Jethro: That leaves Essiebelle out. She's about two girls and a half.
Daisy: Mind your tongue, Jethro. You take a girl for better or worse when you marry her.
Jethro: Yeah, but she got worse before I got married.

Jethro: Jethro, I think you was right about those golfs bein' birds.
Jethro: I was?
Jed: Yeah, when I come out here, I seen some people take 2 little white eggs outta that hole over yonder.

Daisy: Well, the food chute is back, the one-man locust plague. I bet you're hungry.
Jethro: Oh yes ma'am.
Jed: What's for vittles, Granny?
Daisy: Overlook stew.
Jed: What's that?
Daisy: I'm stewin' everythin' he overlooked, and it ain't much.

Jethro: The greens and jowls is alright, but don't eat them grits. They'll kill you!

Cousin: I've got to decide which dress to wear tonight. Do you think this one shows off my figure?
Jethro: Well yeah, Ma, but wear it anyway. It's pretty.

Jethro: Excuse me, mister. How do you get to the playground?
Attorney: Playground?
Jethro: Yessir. He just called recess.

Daisy: Elly May can outthrow anybody.
Jethro: Oh yes sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
Leo: Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.

Jed: [Jane explains the tax benefits of a corporation] Mr. Treasurer, you hear all that?
Jethro: Oh yes sir, every word.
Jed: You understand it?
Jethro: No sir, not a word.

Jethro: We is gettin' married tomorrow in Westminster Abbey.
[Granny groans]
Jethro: I never seen Granny so happy. I'm gonna go tell Elly.
Jed: Have you told her uncle?
Jethro: She's gonna tell him. He's gonna give her away.
Daisy: He's got her priced right.

Jethro: I was there in person when Granny slung her into the 6th row of seats.
Daisy: You know how I done that, boy? I put the Possum Ridge Paralyzer on her and then I give her the Bug Tussle Bounce.

Jed: And now she's crazy mad in love with you, huh?
Jethro: Is she ever!. Why all the way home, she kept tryin' to get me to drive to some out-of-the-way place so we could be alone.
Jed: No foolin'.
Jethro: Yeah. Kept askin' me to get lost.

Jed: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, I gotta go rescue my bride. As quick as Granny blasts Uncle Jed down outta the tree, she's goin' gunnin' for Maria.
Jane: Why?
Jethro: Cause Maria done took over the kitchen. The whole house is in a uproar. If I don't get her out, there'll be rock salt bouncin' off every wall... Oh, wish me a happy weddin'.

Jethro: I'm goin' to that big courtin' parlor in the sky.
Jed: You get this stuff rusty and you're goin' to that little woodshed out back.

Jethro: I saw a long legged pink chicken down by the cement pond.

Jethro: Hi Elly, how do I look?
[Jethro is wearing a gladiator outfit]
Elly: You look like a big dumb nut.

Jethro: I was just doin' my Yogi exercises.
Jed: Hangin' upside down? Then is possum exercises.

Jed: Jethro, I reckon we gotta let Granny blow off that head of steam she built up over Lafe Crick or she's gonna be sputterin' and hissin' like that for weeks.
Jethro: I reckon it'd pleasure her a heap to cut loose and speak her mind.
Jed: Granny, what do you think of Lafe Crick?
Daisy: Why he is the laziest, no-account varmint that ever drawed a breath!
Jethro: Go Granny, go.
Daisy: Why the only hard work that he ever done was to turn over in bed! He can get up in the mornin' with nothin' to do and by nightfall, it's only half done!
Jed: That's it, Granny, mean mouth him good.
Daisy: His woman does all the work over at their place. And the only time she ever got him out in the field, she had to sharpen the stump so he couldn't set down!
Jed: Blow the lid off, Granny, let her fly.
Daisy: The only nickle he ever earned was when his Pa paid him 2 bits to stay away from the house! Why he would whitewash his own Ma and rent her out to haunt houses! Why, he's so lazy, even his scarecrows have to set in a chair! You talk about a liar, why that Lafe Crick wouldn't know the truth if he stepped on it bare-footed!

Jethro: Which room do you want me to put your dentist chair in, Granny?
Daisy: I think I'll just let you bolt it down to the bed of the truck.
Jed: You figger to practice here on the truck?
Daisy: Why not? You know how people hate to go to the dentist. This way, the dentist will go to the people.
Jed: You think folks is ready fer curb service dentistry?
Daisy: Ready, willin' and anxious. Why just driving along, the minute they seen this chair, their mouths just fell open.

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, here's your horse and buggy.
Milburn: Where's the horse?
Jethro: Oh, she give out on the way. Elly and Miss Jane are fetchin' her.
[Miss Jane drives up with Lightning riding in the back seat]

Elly: There ain't gonna be no sausages, cuz this here is a hippopotamus.
Jethro: It might be a hippopotamus now, but it's comin' outta that sausage grinder a hawg.