30 Best Shorty Kellems Quotes

Shorty: What time is the party supposed to commence?
Jethro: 8 o'clock. Mr. Drysdale said it might last all night.
Shorty: Doggone, I wish this was the north pole. Up there, the nights are 3 months long.

Jed: I've often dreamed of bein' alone on a desert island with Elverna.
Shad: I've had that same dream.
Shorty: I must not remember Elverna as good as I thought.

Shorty: This is the money I got from the silver mine. Sold out to a Syndicate from Reed Springs. Fred Syndicate.
Jed: I don't believe I know Fred.
Shorty: He'll make a fortune outta that silver mine. Plans to hide a still in there and sell moonshine.
Daisy: Shorty, did you ever take any silver outta that mine?
Shorty: Just once. Found a spoon somebody dropped.

Jane: May I have my key please?
Shorty: What key's that?
Jane: The key to the room I'm occupying.
Shorty: I'm afraid there ain't no key.
Jane: Why not?
Shorty: Cuz there ain't no lock.
Jane: Mr. Kellems, am I to understand that some local Lochinvar would be free to enter my room whenever he wished?
Shorty: Um, now that you mention it, yeah. I reckon he would.
Jane: Oh! I just love this quaint little community!

Shorty: Jed, you forgettin' we was boys together. We run in a pretty fast crowd and you was the fastest.
Jed: Me?
Shorty: You was the wildest girl-chasin'est rascal in the whole county.
Jed: I was not!
Shorty: Somebody in our crowd was.
Jed: How about you?
Shorty: That's who it was!

Shorty: Granny, I'm marryin' a beauty queen.
Daisy: I thought you was marryin' Elverna.

Shorty: You goin' to the bank, Jed?
Jed: That's right, Shorty. I'm goin' to take out some money.
Shorty: I'll drive you. I'm goin' to take out somethin' myself.

Jed: [Shorty is behind the hotel desk with only his head and shoulders showing] By doggies, I don't remember you bein' that short.
Shorty: I don't remember bein' this short myself.
[looks down]
Shorty: No wonder, I'm settin' down.

Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
Jed: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
Daisy: Got the Spirit, huh?
Shorty: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!

Elly: I dropped my cake on the kitchen table, and it busted into little pieces!
Shorty: That's a shame, Elly.
Jed: Well, I guess that'll keep outta the cake baking contest.
Elly: Oh, no sir. The cake's fine, it's the table I gotta sweep up.

Milburn: Where is the Bank of Bug Tussle?
Shorty: Well, believe it or not, it's in Bug Tussle.
Milburn: Well, where is Bug Tussle.
Shorty: You passed right through it on the way here.
Milburn: Impossible! In 20 miles, I passed one building.
Shorty: That's Bug Tussle.

Shorty: Congratulate me, Jethro. I'm marryin' into your family.
Jethro: Is that true, Uncle Jed?
Jed: It sure is. Shorty put it on paper and slipped it under his lady love's door. Congratulations Shorty, Granny's gonna make you a dandy wife.
Shorty: D-D-Did he say G-G-Granny?
Jethro: That's what he said.
Shorty: Oh Lordy! I slipped it under the wrong d-d-do, I blew it.

Jed: Forget about them girls, Shorty. Elverna's got everything they got.
Shorty: I wonder where she keeps it.

Daisy: That cake that Elly baked, they're usin' it for a millstone.
Shorty: No.
Daisy: Yeah, Eck Bozeman is grindin' corn with it.

Jed: So, you called Elverna?
Shorty: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me.
Shad: What did she say?
Shorty: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was.
Jed: See?
Shorty: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth and back and finally she said to me, Shorty Kellems she said, The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me.
Shad: What did you say Shorty?
Shorty: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot!
Shorty: [to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.

Miss: Thank you, Shorty.
Shorty: You're welcome, Jeanne.
Miss: I'm Gloria.
Shorty: Oh yeah. Jeanne was my 12 o'clock date, or was that Patricia? No, it was Helen. Patricia is the one I took home on the way to pick you up.

Shorty: This Hollywood night life is kinda expensive. Them four girls last night cost me a bundle
Jed: Was them girls from Mr. Drysdale's secretarial pool?
Shorty: No, these are what you call go-go dancers.
Jed: Go-go?
Shorty: And before I knew it, my money was gone-gone.

Shorty: I'm goin' down to the cement pond to get a look at that Mark Templeton. I ain't never seen a feller that's half frog.
Daisy: Well don't let him get you under the water or he'll turn you into a frog.
Shorty: You're joshin'.
Daisy: Oh no I ain't. And if that happens, there's only two ways to turn you back.
Shorty: What are they?
Daisy: Take you to Dr. Klingner or get you kissed by a pretty girl.
Shorty: I'll take the pretty girl.

Jed: Knowin' Elly's cakes, that thing must have weighed a ton.
Shorty: It bowed the floor a might. It was sure pretty, Jed. Decorated so fancy with her name wrote across the top in icing, Elly May Clampett.
Jed: There goes any chance of denyin' who dunnit.
Shorty: Don't you worry, Jed. As pretty as Elly is, there'll be some young feller bid on that cake.
Jed: Just so you don't bite on it.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, you get into your good duds and git over there and buy that cake that Elly May baked!
Jed: I don't want that thing.
Daisy: That ain't the idea. You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.

Jed: Who put you back in the cage, Shorty?
Shorty: I put myself in, Jed.
Jed: Why?
Shorty: Elverna was commencin' to look good to me.

Elverna: Shorty, you're cute.
Shorty: You know somethin', after a month in the root cellar, you don't look bad yourself.

Daisy: Jethro will know what them big words means. He's been plumb through the 6th grade.
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All you gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In, compat, able, overt, offense.
Daisy: What does it mean?
Jethro: It means: you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.

Shorty: I had 4 long weeks in that root cellar to meditate and reflect on my sins. I done a lot of prayin', lot of repentin'.
Jed: You done considerable eatin' too.
Shorty: All that prayin' and repentin' gives a feller an appetite.
Shad: As long as you was filled with the Spirit.
Shorty: Oh, I was. Granny left a couple of jugs in there.

Jed: She's got plenty of witnesses that heard you say the two of you ought to get married.
Shorty: I still say we ought to get married, maybe not to one another.

Jane: I'm looking forward to a thrilling ornithological adventure.
Daisy: Shorty, have you ever knowed a person that used as many big words as her?
Shorty: Just one. Don Richardson. He come in here the other day and throwed some words at me that weighed out better than 5 pounds apiece.
Daisy: What was it, Shorty?
Shorty: Well, he's talkin about this law case and he said somethin other was uh... was uh... incompatible overt offense.
Daisy: Hmm, them is heavy rascals.

Patricia: I'm sorry. Mr. Drysdale's wild Hollywood parties are for depositors only.
Jeanne: Pat, where are you going with this darling man? He's coming to the party, isn't he?
Patricia: I'm afraid not, Jeanne.
Jeanne: Oh, that's awful. There are so many of us girls. Why, he'd be practically the only man there. He's so cute too.
Patricia: I'm sorry, but he just doesn't keep his money in our bank.
Shorty: Yes I do! Yes I do! I'm goin' home and get it right now!

Jed: Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest.
Shorty: Just a minute.
Jed: What's the matter, Shorty?
Shorty: Somethin' in my ear. Sounded like you said Elverna won the beauty contest.
Shad: She did.
Shorty: Musta been the only one in it.

Milburn: Mr. Kellums, where did you get this big money?
Shorty: Took it outta my silver mine.
Milburn: You own a silver mine?
Shorty: I did. Sold out to a Syndicate.
Milburn: After you took out a fortune?
Shorty: You betcha.
Milburn: Millions?
Shorty: Couple of hundred.

Shorty: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
Daisy: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
Jed: Yep.
Daisy: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.