1000 Best The Beverly Hillbillies Quotes

Mrs. Vanderpont: Our money talks. We want it speaking to only the best people.

Jed: Miss Jane is comin' out here today with the Beverly Hills Nest of The Biddle Birdwatchers. Why don't you meet some of them girls?
Jethro: Uncle Jed, you ever seen any of them birdwatchers? Heck fire, I'd just as soon look at the birds.

Milburn: Are you sure you talked to the Commerce Bank?
Sheriff: That's the one.
Milburn: Well, who did you talk to? I'll fire them.
Sheriff: I couldn't catch the name, he was laughing to hard
Milburn: Did you tell him his boss was in jail.
Sheriff: Yes sir. That's when he started laughing.

Milburn: Carrington, Mrs. Philip B., widow, financial rating AAA, between 23 and 24.
Jane: So young.
Milburn: What young? That's how many millions she's got.
Jane: Well how old a woman is she?
Milburn: Who cares? With that kind of money, she's in the prime of her life.

Milburn: Just take a look at these coins. This collection belongs to a friend of mine. You see that dime?
Jed: Yep.
Milburn: He paid $12,000 for that.
Jed: He got slickered. A dime's only worth 10 cents.

Marvin: [Marvo performs a disappearing bowl trick with Jethro as his assistant] Gone, vanished.
Jethro: No it ain't Mr. Marvo. Here it is under this here tray.

Elly: Jethro, you dumb ol' black knight coward, you done kept me from meetin' the queen.

Milburn: Your honor, Judge Clampett.
Jed: Ah Mr. Drysdale, strictly speakin', I ain't a judge. I'm just here to see this trial is kept fair and square and to keep Granny from shootin' that rent-skippin, sign-stealin, chicken thief.

Jed: I reckon many a man has lost his best friend by marrying her!

Daisy: Jed, why don't we give the Drysdales a horse and buggy as a present?
Jed: By doggies, Granny, that's a real neighborly thought.
Daisy: Ain't it though, friendly, kind, generous, and it's the only way I can make sure that she don't get a faster rig than mine.

Milburn: Wait a minute, we still have a chance. She would never run out on a sick friend.
Jane: Chief, I could never deceive Granny with a fake illness.
Milburn: Who's talking about fake? I'm only asking you to take a mild poison or break a bone or something. Look, I could drop this on your foot.
[Jane runs away]
Milburn: Isn't your company loyalty good for one little fracture?

Daisy: Well I'm done waitin' on Mr. do-nothin' Drysdale. He can't even get his own secketary a husband.
Jed: Well maybe he ain't tryin'. Maybe Miss Jane ain't ready to git married.
Daisy: Ain't ready? have you ever seen the way she looks at Jethro?
Jed: Kinda like a hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window.

Jethro: I'm gonna pay for this car myself.
Daisy: How?
Jethro: Well that's where my education pays off. They let me figger out my own financin' plan. All I got to do is pay $4 a week.
Jed: For how long?
Jethro: 'Til 68.
Daisy: Why that's two years.
Jethro: No, Granny, 'til I'm 68.
Jed: Jethro, you take this thing back where you got it and fetch home the truck.
Jethro: Aw Uncle Jed, girls don't go for that truck, but with this baby, I can get me some action.
Daisy: You get out to the woodshed. I'll give you some action.
Jethro: Granny, I mean some swingin' action. I wanna be where things are jumpin'.
Daisy: Don't you worry. I'll be swingin' and you'll be jumpin'. Now git!

Jed: [Elly May calls her chimp 'Cousin Bessie'] You hadn't ought to call that critter 'cousin', Elly.
Elly: But why not?
Jed: Well, you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon I just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.

Susie: How would you like a karate chop?
Jethro: Swell, I'm starvin'!

John: You should put Mr. Clampett in a job that sounds useful, but doesn't contribute anything. Something unimportant.
Jane: I have it, the Board of Directors.

Jane: Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?
Jethro: I'm courtin' you. I cain't eat or sleep without you.
Jane: Oh no, no.
Jethro: That's the truth. Granny won't feed me or make my bed.

Daisy: How do you like your possum, Mr. Farquhar, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?
Lowell: I beg your pardon, did you say "Possum"?

Daisy: You ever cook hog jowls and turnips?
Miko: No.
Daisy: Fatback and grits?
Miko: No.
Daisy: Well how about pigs feet and dandelion greens?
Miko: No.
Daisy: This poor child ain't never had a decent meal.

Jed: Elly, I wish you'd wear a dress. How do you expect to get a fella when you look like one yourself?
Elly: Ah gee whiz, Pa.
Jed: Maybe she'll listen to you. Tell her she looks like a feller.
Shifty: Mr. Clampett, I have bent the truth in my day, but that would be ridiculous.

Daisy: Bobcats lickin' agin the grain, come that night it's likely to rain.

Jed: Now Granny, supposin' that all this nonsense you been talkin' is true, why would the North want to commence a fracas in Los Angeles?
Daisy: So they can attack under the cover of smog.

Milburn: We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter, and your beautiful money er mother.

Jed: Miss Jane wasn't foolin' when she said this rascal was stronger than 12 men.
Jethro: Man, if we ever get him calmed down, he's gonna be a wood-choppin', plow-pullin' son of a gun.

Doreen: [to Jethro] As for your famous wit, I've only seen half of it.

Madame: Maurice, show these people the door.
Jed: Oh no need to put him to that trouble, ma'am. We seen it when we come in.

Daisy: I'm going to give you and Mr. Drysdale a general anesthesia.
Jethro: You mean you're gonna knock us out with that mallet?
Daisy: Maybe not. Your head is too thick and his is too thin. I'll give you gas. Go stick yer head in the oven.

Jed: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
Jethro: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
Jethro: He ain't President no more.
Daisy: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Jed: Granny will cut taxes?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's a real popular campaign promise. Everybody from mayor to president makes that one.
Jed: But Granny ain't... well I reckon she can keep it about as good as the others have.

Elly: I dropped my cake on the kitchen table, and it busted into little pieces!
Shorty: That's a shame, Elly.
Jed: Well, I guess that'll keep outta the cake baking contest.
Elly: Oh, no sir. The cake's fine, it's the table I gotta sweep up.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Daisy: Eye of a newt, hair of a dog, cure the part of him that's frog.

Milburn: [Dr. Clyburn is using a tongue depressor on Mr. Drysdale] Ahhhh
Jed: Say doctor, I bet ya he could talk a heap better if you took that stick outta his mouth.

Dr. Martin: [the critter doctor gives Elly May a baby bobcat] I hope your Granny won't mind, he's still a little wild.
Elly: Oh I can tame him.
Dr. Martin: I'm sure you can, but what about Granny?
Elly: Well ain't nobody can tame her.

Daisy: With Jethro here, every meal time was a kind of a test for myself to see if I could cook enough to fill that bottomless pit of his. I never made it, but it was always somethin' to shoot fer.

Sheldon: May the saxophone of life blow you nothing but cool notes.

Mrs. Smith: May I get some pictures?
Jed: What kind of pictures?
Mrs. Smith: Still pictures.
Daisy: She's a dad-blamed revenooer!

Elly: Sure am glad we brought the truck to London. It's dandy for sight-seein'.
Daisy: Yeah, and we're the sight everybody is seein'. You see how folks are starin' and pointin' at us. They know we run out on the feud.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jed: She's right, Uncle Jed. Ain't no other reason they'd be laughin' at us.

Daisy: Better take her to the kitchen and give her some coffee.
Mlle. Denise: Ah, coffee, bon.
Daisy: I reckon she could scare you up a bone. Wouldn't you rather have a donut?

Cynthia: I'm afraid, Mummy's not well. Might we have a rain check?
Jed: Why you betcha you can. Just a moment... Granny, is it gonna rain tonight?

Milburn: General Milburn Beauregard Nathan Bedford Stonewall Drysdale at your service.

Shifty: Flo, I've gone straight. I've turned honest.
Flo: You dirty, rotten fink!

Jed: Sounds like Granny and Pearl is after the same feller.
Elly: Yes sir. They is fightin' out front. I best go help the loser.
Jed: Who's losin'?
Elly: Mr. McKeegan.

Milburn: Aren't you going to give me a shot of something?
Dr. Roy Clyburn: Well if you insist. I imagine I have some brandy around somewhere.
Milburn: I mean a shot for my cold, like penicillin.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: Brandy will do you just as much good and it won't hurt.

Jane: Under my tutelage, you shall become an educated man of letters. Some day, I shall introduce you as Jethro Bodine, B.A, M.A, PHD.
Jethrine: Awful smart woman, but that ain't the way you spell Bodine.

Milburn: Well what do you want?
Janet: Do we get Possum Day off?
Milburn: Get out of here!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: So help me, if those uncouth hillbillies become my social peers, life will cease to be worth living.

Jethro: Every night, Anne Boleyn is rollin' her head up and down the halls. The whole palace sounds like a bowlin' alley.

Mr. Pinckney: Might I have a spot of tea?
Jane: Yes of course, what would you like with it?
Mr. Pinckney: Ticket to London.

Daisy: [to Elly] Why don't you make him some of those great big donuts?
Mark: I love donuts.
Daisy: Hers ain't to be believed.
Mark: Sounds like I'll be in heaven tonight.
Daisy: Oh, we won't let you eat that many.

Daisy: The greatest speech that was ever spoke was spoked in Gettysburg by the greatest president of them all, Jefferson Davis.
Milburn: No Granny. That was Abraham Lincoln.
Daisy: That's two boners in a row for you!
Jed: Now Granny, don't get riled.
Daisy: Well he better watch his Yankee tongue.

Elly: A feller on the radio last night said that Beverly Hills folks is bein' robbed by a cat burglar.
Daisy: Cat burglar?
Jed: By doggies, I can almost understand a starvin' man turnin chicken thief, but why in tarnation would anybody want to steal cats?
Elly: Maybe he's got a powerful lot of mice.

Jed: Maybe Jethro's smarter'n he seems.
Daisy: Well he'd purt near have to be.

Elly: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Armstrong: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
Elly: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
Armstrong: At present, we're on the Civil War.
Daisy: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
Jed: You boys run along now, you're excused.
Daisy: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
Jed: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
Daisy: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
Jed: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
[winks at Dueser]
Daisy: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
Armstrong: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
Daisy: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
Jethro: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
Armstrong: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
Daisy: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."

Elly: Whenever we were in trouble, the quarterback would call my number.
Daisy: And you'd tell him what to do on the phone, huh?
Elly: No, I was in the game. He'd call on me to take a hand off.
Jed: Take your hand off what?

Daisy: [sings] Gonna bake a tater pie to give to little Deuse/And it'll taste so good his toes will curl up in his shoes/To bake a tater pie it takes a lot of possum fat/ And I don't that feller chef can bake it in his hat.

Daisy: Beats me how Elly May can make these donuts without usin' cement.
[drops the donut and it smashes a plate]
Daisy: Maybe she does uses cement.

Elly: It's a baby walrus. Ain't he cute, Pa? Can I take him home?
Jed: Hadn't better, Elly. He'd remind Granny too much of Lafe Crick.

Daisy: I'm gonna smoke his haunches 'til he can sit in the tub and heat his own bathwater.

Daisy: Oh please, Jed, just let me give her one barrel.
Jed: No.
Daisy: I'll give her a 50-foot runnin' start.
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: A hundred foot, and you can hold my glasses.
Jed: Now, hold your glasses is a real good idea.
[takes Granny's glasses]
Daisy: Hand me that gun, Jed, I can still salt her britches!
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: I can't miss a target that big!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You can't intimidate me this time. I've got Claude.
Daisy: You just think you been clawed.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I was referring to this courageous and noble canine.
Daisy: Is that what it is? Looks somethin' like a dog.

Daisy: First batch went over pretty well, did it?
Elly: Well it kinda depended on who come to the door. If it was a man, we generally hit it off just dandy. Some of them didn't want me to leave.

Jed: Turn ol' Duke loose so he can go in there and protect Elly.
Sonny: Now we'll practice diction and intonation at the same time. How now, brown cow. How now, brown cow.
Jethro: What's he talkin' about?
Jed: He thinks ol' Duke is a cow. You best fetch Granny. It appears to be she threw too strong a charm on that boy.

Jane: I hope you will forgive my momentary bewilderment at this primitive form of ablution, but please let me explain.
Daisy: First explain what you just said.

Elly: Hey Pa, can I fetch home me a swimmin' critter from Marineland?
Jed: We'll see, Elly. Jethro ain't even joined yet.
Elly: Well how 'bout if'n I join the Marines too?
Jed: I'm afraid not, Elly. Says here in the paper that they can build men, but I don't see how they can build one outta you.

Elly: Please, Pa, make him stop. Jethro's gonna have my gorilla too tired to rassle.

Jed: Now Jethro is uncommon fond of Granny's smoked crawdads. I'll catch 'em. Granny, you go to smoke 'em, and if that boy is within vittle-smellin' range, which is about 20 miles, he'll come a runnin'.

Milburn: I will not finance your gambling. In fact, you should seek a cure.
Lowell: Would you like to finance that?

Elly: You didn't hurt my gorilla, did you Granny?
Daisy: You fetch him back and I'll fan his tail till he lights up like a lightnin' bug
Jed: Granny, you and that ape best call it a draw. You kicked him down the cellar steps, he throwed you through the door. Keep this up and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Daisy: Would you like some gravy?
Girl: Groovy!
Daisy: [whispering to Jed] On the island of Grun, they call gravy, 'groovy'.
Jed: I could use some chicken and groovy myself!

Jed: Well, until he talks her into havin' you around, it might be safer for you to wait outside, maybe even down the street a piece.

Jed: Granny, it appears you see this job mainly as a way for Elly to meet fellers.
Daisy: How do you see it?
Jed: Same way.

Daisy: Would you like a golf egg?
Leo: A what?
Daisy: A boiled golf egg. Boiling 'em made 'em kind of rubbery and that yolk is black as coal. Maybe put a lot of salt on it, that'll fix 'em up.

Jane: Right, Cheap.
Milburn: That's Chief as in Indian.
Jane: That's Cheap as in skate.

Lester: Say Jed, how come you ain't married up with one of these Beverly Hills women?
Jed: Why shucks, Lester, these fine high-steppin' society fillies ain't about to jump into double harness with a ole country plow horse like me.
Earl: We done alright and you wouldn't exactly call us Kentucky Derby winners.

Milburn: Did you get him some girls from the secretarial pool?
Jane: This is the secretarial pool, I simply put Jethro's name on the door.

Jed: I declare, Granny, the huntin' in these Beverly Hills is gettin' sorrier every day. Me and Duke went as far back in the brush as you could go. The only thing we flushed out was a couple of real estate agents.

Jed: Granny, I'm surprised at you. Back home, you was always the first one to visit a new neighbor, take 'em over a pot of vittles and make 'em feel welcome.
Daisy: That was back home. I tried for 3 years out here. I never got nothin' but mean-mouthed, door-slammed, and dog-bit.

Jethro: Granny, the id's in the brain. I reckon that's where the word "idiot" comes from.

Daisy: Jed, turn him loose, give a 200 foot start. I'll load my shotgun with rock salt and bacon rind and season his hind quarters for him.

Daisy: [Granny is facing the dog, believing it is Jed] Save your strength. You're wrinklin' fast.
Elly: Granny, your specs is all steamed up. That's Duke!

Professor P. Caspar Biddle: You're absolutely amazing, Elly May. You've even tamed a Corvus brachyrhynchos.
Elly: For a bird watcher, you don't know much about critters. This here's a crow.

Elly: Granny, it's for your health. Why Mr. Drysdale says it lowers your kesterol.
Jethro: That's cholester oil.
Daisy: Well it lowered his till it was draggin'.

Society: Sounds like you're out to get a name for yourself.
Daisy: No, we're out to get a name for Elly. One with a Mrs. in front of it.

Jed: [an unkempt Elly enters the room] Oh, ain't she a mess! I declare, you could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two months!

Daisy: Ain't that a sorry sight, a purty girl like Elly, wasting her time running around the neighborhood with an ape, peddling critters. No wonder she's an old maid!

Daisy: Jed, I'm plumb tuckered out. Fetch my jug. After a few jolts, I'll be able to see more.
Jed: Yeah, two of everythin'.

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, I gotta go rescue my bride. As quick as Granny blasts Uncle Jed down outta the tree, she's goin' gunnin' for Maria.
Jane: Why?
Jethro: Cause Maria done took over the kitchen. The whole house is in a uproar. If I don't get her out, there'll be rock salt bouncin' off every wall... Oh, wish me a happy weddin'.

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Daisy: The whole city to Bug Tussle will be in flames. All 5 buildin's will be burnin'!
Jed: Granny, I just don't believe there is any Injun trouble.
Daisy: That's what General Custer said.

Milburn: You might want to make some notes on Elly's driving. Here's a handy pad for you.
Dick: These are deposit slips.

Jed: Well it looks like we is caught betwixt and between, Granny. Folks don't want me shootin' a gun and when I snare the game, Elly makes a pet out of it.

Milburn: My first duty is to the stockholders of this bank.
Jane: But you own all the stock.
Milburn: That's right. To thine own self be true.

Jed: This here is Jed Clampett. Are you the weatherman?
Justin: I am the supervisor of meteorological observations for this area.
Jed: Oh well, I was wantin' the weatherman.
Justin: Your speaking to him. I am Justin Addison.
Jed: Well shucks, don't feel bad about that, I'm just a Clampett.

Shorty: I had 4 long weeks in that root cellar to meditate and reflect on my sins. I done a lot of prayin', lot of repentin'.
Jed: You done considerable eatin' too.
Shorty: All that prayin' and repentin' gives a feller an appetite.
Shad: As long as you was filled with the Spirit.
Shorty: Oh, I was. Granny left a couple of jugs in there.

Mr. Pinckney: You're setting a fine example for young Master Jethro.
Jed: Come on, young Mosster Jethro.

Elly: [Elly May wakes up and stretches] Good mornin', Granny.
Granny: [Watching Elly Mae stretch] Watch them buttons, Child.

Elly: Do you want a plate of grits and gravy?
Jed: Yeah, that'd be fine.
Elly: There you are.
Jed: My, don't that look scrumptious.
Elly: Don't it though. I cain't figger out why ol' Duke didn't finish it.
[Jed was about to take a bite, but changes his mind]

Jed: I'm tellin' you Granny, you don't have to worry no more about Pearl comin' in your kitchen. She's gonna be spendin' her time gittin' herself a husband with her singin' and yodelin'.
Daisy: Jed, it ain't legal to torture a man into marryin' you.

Jane: To you, this marriage is only about dollars and cents.
Milburn: No, its more than that. It's millions of dollars and millions of cents.

John: He gave Fleming Pendleton a tip on wheat futures last week and Fleming cleaned up
Milburn: That's ridiculous.
John: It is not. I was standing right here. Fleming said, " What will I make if I buy a million bushels of wheat?" and Clampett said he'd make plenty of bread. And believe me, he did make it, $200,000.
Milburn: That was pure accident. He meant the kind of bread you eat.

Jed: Do spies get to wear fancy uniforms?
Jethro: Gee, I dunno?
Jed: You could use with some new duds. Them britches of yours look like you're fixin' to wade a crick.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, this buggy racin' is something Granny's had in her craw for 30 years now and ain't none of us gonna get no peace and quiet around here 'til she's shed of it.
Milburn: But my wife...
Jed: Now if Granny could just whomp your wife in one race, I figger she'd be satisfies and forget all about it.
Milburn: But I don't...
Jed: Your wife wouldn't mind doin' that, would she? For me?
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, she'd be delighted.

Daisy: That jackrabbit was here. And Dub Crick is here. And probably his no good Pa along with him.
Jed: Well then uh their car oughta be settin ' out front huh?
Daisy: Yeah! Lets go set fire to it!

Judge: [from Granny's dream] Who gives this woman to be married to this frog?
Jed: I do.
Judge: Mark Templeton, do you take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife?
Mark: Ribbit ribbit.

Shad: Shorty, have you forgotten that Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest?
Shorty: Ah, come on Shad. If she was the only one in it, she'd come in second.

Jed: I'm way overdue for havin' a long talk with that boy.
Elly: Why you keep puttin' it off?
Jed: I reckon it's cause the short ones are so distressin'.

Daisy: Why them dirty thievin' Yankee bushwhackers!

Shorty: Granny, I'm marryin' a beauty queen.
Daisy: I thought you was marryin' Elverna.

Jed: Granny, you take the north.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jed: You take the south. Jane will take the north.

Daisy: Look who's callin' me a prune face. Why, you got so many wrinkles, your face could hold a 5-day rain!

Jed: You know the good Lord is lookin' out for you. He'll decide when it's your time to go.
Daisy: When I go is up to Him. Where I go is up to me.

Jed: I tell you what. If he won't do it for $10000 an hour, you keep uppin' the price until you break him down.
Jane: Alright, but I'm afraid the only person who will break down will be Mr. Drysdale.

Jane: The Clampetts will be delighted to see you.
Countess: Oh, how are they?
Milburn: Richer than ever.
Jane: I believe the countess meant Are they happy? Are they content?
Milburn: I just answered that. Richer than ever.

Daisy: The way you was showin' off, you'll never get outta her clutches.
Jethro: She got you in her clutches, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Course not. I just took the woman dancin' one night. That don't hardly put me in her clutches.
Daisy: Ha! She's got her painted finger nails in you like a fistful of fish hooks!

Jed: What we gonna do about Mr. Lester?
Jethro: Yeah, suppose he's still sleepin' when we is ready to start out.
Daisy: We'll just lay him out front on the grass.
Jed: On the grass, with rheumatiz?
Daisy: I'll leave a jug alongside of him. For a week or so, he won't care *where* he is.

Attorney: This is a complaint, Mr. Clampett. In fact it's a copy of the one delivered into your hands.
Jed: Is that a complaint?
Attorney: It is. Why didn't you answer?
Jed: Would you mind readin' that first line there?
Attorney: "The People of the State of California send greetings to J. D. Clampett."
Jed: That just didn't seem like no complaint to us. And as for answerin' it, well, Jethro says there's purt'near 198 million in Californy. We just couldn't hardly see how we could get around to greetin' 'em all back.

Matthew: She's a good cook, huh?
Daisy: There ain't nobody can touch that girl's food.

Jed: You know what kind of eggs they eat?
Daisy: What?
Jed: Fish eggs.
Daisy: Fish eggs?
Jed: She called 'em, uh, caviar. Little bitty things, mess of 'em on a cracker look for all the world like a charge of soggy buckshot.

Jane: Chief, has it ever occurred to you, have you ever entertained the thought that there just might be something in this world more important than money?
Milburn: Of course. I not only entertained the thought, I mentioned it to my father. I said, 'Dad, there must be something in this world more important than money." That's when I grew the moustache.
Jane: Why a moustache?
Milburn: To hide the scar. He hit me right in the mouth.

Shorty: I'm goin' down to the cement pond to get a look at that Mark Templeton. I ain't never seen a feller that's half frog.
Daisy: Well don't let him get you under the water or he'll turn you into a frog.
Shorty: You're joshin'.
Daisy: Oh no I ain't. And if that happens, there's only two ways to turn you back.
Shorty: What are they?
Daisy: Take you to Dr. Klingner or get you kissed by a pretty girl.
Shorty: I'll take the pretty girl.

Milburn: Miss Hathaway, cooks I can get by the dozen, depositors with 40 million dollars are not so easy to come by.

Jed: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
Daisy: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
Elly: Fancy new laces, too!
Cousin: And them's his best socks.
Jethro: And it ain't even Sunday.
Cousin: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
Jed: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
Daisy: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Me, race with Granny in a buggy, in public? You must be demented.

Maid: [Linda tries to talk Mr. Drysdale into buying a color TV] You can get a 21-inch for $400.
Elly: Four hundred!
[straightens his back]
Elly: That fixed my back, saved me a doctor bill.

Marvin: I haven't the price of a meal.
Milburn: Well just pull a rabbit out of your hat and eat it.

Daisy: Get Mr. Drysdale home alright, Jed?
Jed: Yep, but it was hard as braidin' a mule's tail at fly time.
Daisy: I suspect he was a mite over-tonic'ed, ha.
Jed: I reckon he was. He grabbed his wife and went to huggin' and kissin' again. I was halfway home and she come runnin' after me, yellin' and screamin'.
Daisy: Scared of him?
Jed: No, she just wanted to give ya this for a refill.
[hands Granny an empty bottle]

Jed: I'm gettin lazy as ol' Duke there. He's so lazy, he's got to lean up against somethin' to bark.

Widow: [buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane] I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment.
Jed: Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.

Elly: [Granny is carrying a shotgun] Granny, where are ya goin'?
Daisy: I'm takin' these vittles over to Mrs. Drysdale.
Elly: Vittles? Well where are they?
Daisy: Right in here.
[pats her shotgun]
Daisy: Rock salt and bacon rind. I'm gonna give her both barrels.

Daisy: Ain't you ever heared of sharks?
Elly: Of course I have.
Daisy: But what will you do if you meet up with one of 'em?
Elly: Nothin' I can do. Pa says I can't bring home no more critters.

Milburn: Keep your voice down and put that corn whiskey away. If he wakes up and sees that jug, he'll go for it.
Sheriff: You mean you let that bear drink?
Milburn: Try and stop him. He's sleeping one off now and when he wakes up with a hangover, oh he's mean.
Sheriff: You've got to be crazy to be driving around with a drunken bear.
Milburn: That's nothing. But when he's driving, then it's nervous.

Daisy: I want everybody in Potts County to know. That's why I'm tellin' Elvirny it's a secret.

Milburn: Margaret, if you want to lose weight, just stay home and we'll have dinner at the Clampett's every night. Now, you can't eat the food, but you won't leave hungry, because Cousin Pearl will yodel your appetite away.

Milburn: [Jethro shoots 4 clay pidgeons with his rifle] Fantastic feat!
Jed: Yeah, they is big alright, but they help him to stand steady.

Daisy: [Jethrine is singing] Don't tell me that child ain't sick. Nobody makes a noise like that on purpose.
Cousin: You're gonna be sorry you said them things when Jethrine commence to singin' with a big orchestry like Rudy Vallee.
Daisy: Who?
Cousin: Rudy Vallee and his Connecticut Yankees.
Daisy: Did you hear that, Jed! Your traitor cousin Pearl is lettin' her daughter desert to the Yankees!... Well, I reckon they're gettin' what they deserve.

Jed: Excuse me Mr. Ransohoff.
Marty: Marty, Marty.
Jed: Well come on Marty Marty. Once Granny pulls the bung on that cider, it evaporates awful fast.

Cousin: I tell you Jethrine, that's one place you got it over your cousin Elly May, playin' the pump organ.
[examines Jethrine's hand]
Cousin: Them hands can stretch purt near two octaves.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You wouldn't want to miss the honor of being queen.
Daisy: It ain't just the honor, why there's a fortune in prizes, startin' with the weighin' in ceremony.
Jed: First off, the queen gets her wight in possums.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: How exciting.
Daisy: And that ain't all. Then comes the lettin' out ceremony.
Jed: On Possum Day, all the prisoners gets let outta jail.
Daisy: And from then on, its just one big to-do after another.
Jed: Mule-shoein' contest.
Elly: Mud wrasslin' and rock thowin'.
Jethro: Crawdad-eatin' contest.
Daisy: Prizes for the longest hair and the biggest feet.
Jed: Keep talkin' like that and Mrs. Drysdale will hop right on and go with us. Ain't that right, Mrs. Drysdale?

Jed: I'm sure Granny would settle for you teachin' Jethro "You got a hog jowl where your heart ought to be"

Cousin: I forgive you. I forgive you.
Daisy: But I deserve to be punished and punished bad. Sing to me Pearl!

Tracy: You're deliberately being facetious.
Jed: I am?
Tracy: No one treats me like this! No one!
Jed: Like what, Ma'am?
Tracy: I always get what I want and I'm going to get this house!
Jed: Not for forty dollars you ain't.

Jed: Do you get the feelin' that Granny'd like us to make ourselves scarce?
Jethro: I don't. She told me to fix this keg.
[Granny picks up a piece of wood and shakes it at Jethro]
Jethro: I'm gettin' a feeling.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Look what this lye soap has done to my hands!
Daisy: Yeah. They is nice and pink and rosy, ain't they?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Raw! Raw! Raw!
Daisy: I don't blame you for cheerin'.

Jane: You vanquished him, Granny.
Daisy: Oh I don't know about that, but I whooped the tar out of him.

Jed: Two heads is always better'n one, especially if one belongs to a horse.

Daisy: Elly May can outthrow anybody.
Jethro: Oh yes sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
Leo: Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.

Jed: [to Granny] Here, have some of this scaldin'-hot coffee. It'll cool you down.

Milburn: He's not political material. He's honest, straightforward, trustworthy. What kind of a politician would that make? And he has no sophistication. He's just a rail splitter, born in a log cabin.
Jane: Isn't his similarity to Lincoln amazing?
Milburn: Who?
Jane: The man on the 5-dollar bill.
Milburn: Oh yeah, Lincoln! What about him.

Jed: [to the chemist] You can mail us the Shakespeare.
Daisy: [to the chemist] Bring it yourself, honey.

Jed: [to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale] That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Mike: Well to me, Mr. Clampett, any man that would steal cats is... well he's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.
Jed: By doggies, young fella, we sure see eye to eye on that.

Jed: I reckon it'd hurt Mr. Drysdale's feelin's considerable if he was to find out we didn't eat his fish.
Jethro: But Uncle Jed, I purt near broke a tooth on that thing.
Daisy: If Jethro can't bite through it, nobody can.

Jethro: [Jethro is trying to get his bull to fight him] Well come on, I'se spottin' you 800 pounds.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Date of Birth?
Jethro: December the 4th.
Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Year?
Jethro: No Ma'am, back home. We only been hyere a few weeks.

Milburn: You mean to tell me you shoot flies sitting on that wall out there?
Jed: No, that wouldn't be sportin'. We get 'em on the wing.
Milburn: Impossible.
Jethro: Oh no it ain't, Mr. Drysdale. We just smear a little sorghum on the wall and get 'em when they buzz in for a landin'.
Jed: The trick is not to get a bee. You get a bee, you miss your turn.

Jed: Whatcha cookin' tonight, Granny?
Daisy: Mustard greens and possum innards.
Jed: Mmm-mmm. Did you hear that Mr. Brewster?
John: Very clearly.

Dash: [answers telephone] Marie, of course I remember you. Now don't say that, darling.
[opens file drawer, searches under M and pulls out an index card]
Dash: How could I forget that night at uh, Cirio's. You were wearing a beautiful blue dress with pearls. I remember we talked about... your mother's trip to Omaha? I haven't stopped thinking about that evening for one moment.

Jed: [Honest John agrees to sell Central Park to Jed for $5000 and Jed pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket] Well doggies, there's some bigguns in there. One, two, three, four, five and I still got me some walkin'-around money.
Shifty: Well, whaddaya say we get up and walk around?

Daisy: Whatcha been eatin'?
Pat: Oh, steak mostly, lobster, prime rib, shrimp.
Daisy: Well, I reckon when you get hungry enough, you can eat anything.

Jed: Are you the weather man?
Justin: I am the supervisor of meteorological observation for this area.
Jed: Oh, well, I was wantin' the weather man.

Jed: [to Dr. Clyburn] You better wait out here until I talk to her. Sometimes, Granny starts shootin' before she finds out what flag yer flyin'.

Jed: I'll try talkin' Granny into lettin them stay.
Elly: Do you think you can?
Jed: Maybe, but it's gonna be harder than givin' a bath to a bobcat.

Jed: Oh Mr. Drysdale, she shot at yer hat. That little old woman goes to throwin' lead at you, you'd be castin' a polka-dot shadow.

Jed: I just can't think of no quicker way to kill a romance than to meet a feller totin' a skunk in yer arms.

Shorty: You goin' to the bank, Jed?
Jed: That's right, Shorty. I'm goin' to take out some money.
Shorty: I'll drive you. I'm goin' to take out somethin' myself.

Milburn: You know, I'm responsible for bringing Robert and Elly together.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Daisy: Bless you, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Yes, I could see immediately that theirs would be a perfect union.
Daisy: Perfect what?
Milburn: Union.
Daisy: You mean confederacy!
Milburn: I stand corrected.

Milburn: Oh Mr. Clampett, good money... morning.

Jane: [wearing a blonde wig] Jethro, I have found that the intellectual approach has a limited appeal, romantically speaking, so I have decided to become a glamour girl. What do you think of the idea?
Jethro: Well, I think it's swell.
Jane: Thank you.
Jethro: When ya gonna start?

Jethro: The fella said it's the world's oldest livin' horse.

Jane: You can't plow up this front lawn. There's a zoning ordinance here.
Daisy: Oh, we figger a little fertilizer will take care of that.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'd feel much better if you could put your arm around me.
Jed: Mrs. Drysdale, I could put my arm around you and have half of it left over. You've got to stop worryin' 'bout bein' fat.

Cousin: Dried crawdad tails.
Granny: Ooo, big rascals too. When they is ground up to powder, you can't beat it for easin' headaches, curing warts, and seasonin' sauerkraut.

Daisy: Why in tarnation do you wanna shoot at a saucer like this? If you ain't careful, you'll bust 'em.
Elly: Whereabouts is the cups?
Milburn: There aren't any cups.
Daisy: See! You done busted 'em, didn't you?

Homer: You're the spitting image of your father.
Milburn: You knew Dad?
Homer: Worshiped you father. He was the meanest man I ever knew.
Milburn: Oh, Dad would have loved hearing you say that.

Daisy: I still don't mind sharin' a bed with Elly May, but I draw the line when it comes to sharin' with them others.
Jed: What others?
Daisy: Well there was a owl, and a squirrel, a crow, and a fox, a possum, and a skunk, and a porkypine.

Jed: By doggies, it happened just the way Mr. Shafer said it would. Them New York police sure was glad to see him.
Daisy: We no sooner set foot in the building when three of them came rushin' up to him.
Jethro: Grabbed him by the arms and purt near carried him out.

Daisy: [Elly May brings in a critter in a cage] What kind of a varmint is that?
Elly: It's what Mrs. Drysdale wants most of all for Christmas, a mink.
Jed: Elly May, Mrs. Drysdale especially wanted a full-length mink. This one fit the bill?
Elly: Yes sir, it's as long as they come.
Jed: I know the answer to this, but I'm gonna ask you anyway. You didn't by any chance steal this critter, did you?
Elly: No sir.
Jed: Well, I know'd you hadn't, but Mrs. Drysdale made such a point of it. She said she didn't want no mink stole.

Jed: How's Jethro?
Daisy: Oh, he'll recover. The operation was a success.
Jed: Oh, you operated?
Daisy: Took out 10 pounds of mortar.
Jed: Had to cut him open, huh?
Daisy: No. I just reached down his gullet and pulled it out. First, I had to beat on his belly a little to bust it up.

Jane: But you promised them that Beverly Hills would put on a fabulous Possum Festival.
Milburn: I did not! I promised them that you would put it on. Now it's up to you to see that I keep my word.
Jane: But there's nothing I can do without the official approval of the city.
Milburn: I told you how to get that, threaten them. Tell the mayor and the council that unless they cooperate, I'll move my bank and the Clampetts out of Beverly Hills.
Jane: I did.
Milburn: I'll bet that got some action.
Jane: Yes, they stood and applauded for 5 minutes.

Jed: You ain't never seen my family home have you?
Milburn: No I haven't.
Jed: It's a dandy.
Milburn: Yes those southern mansions are beautiful. I suppose it has the large white pillars.
Jed: It did, but we brung 'em along and put 'em on the beds out here.
Milburn: No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars.
Jed: Oh, ain't never slept on one of them.

Jed: [talking to Granny] Miss Jane's a fine woman, all right, got a good head on her shoulders. From there on down, she appears to've been shorted a mite.

Daisy: Shake hands with my son-in-law, Jed.
Police: O'Clampett is it?
Jed: That's right.

Jed: Say, you're lookin' a mite green around the gills. Come inside and have a mess of Granny's jowls and sorghum. That'll put you to feelin' bushy tailed.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Mr. Clampett, I'm expecting very important company. Priscilla Ralph Alden Smith-Standish.
Jed: Well bring 'em along. We got plenty for the whole bunch.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Priscilla Rolfe Alden Smith-Standish is only one woman and probably the world's greatest authority on colonial history, early American genealogical origins, and 17th and 18th century artifacts. And she is the esteemed president of the F. F. T. of A.
Jed: Well we sure would be proud to meet her.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I shall call upon every resource to avert such a social catastrophe!
Jed: Well thank you very kindly.

Daisy: Jed, how in the name of Stonewall Jackson can the army give him two guns and a tank, when he's dangerous enough with a knife and fork?

Jed: [to Jethro] Boy, you are green enough to stick in the ground and grow.

Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
Jed: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
Daisy: Got the Spirit, huh?
Shorty: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!

Milburn: I suppose you might call that an inside joke.
Jed: Oh! Well, come on inside and tell it.

Leroy: I usually have just a half a can of beans for lunch.
Daisy: What do ya have for supper?
Leroy: The other half.

Jethro: Granny, whereabouts do you want the still?
Daisy: Over here on this side of the "ceement" pond

Fiddlin: Let me give a little tip from one fiddle player to another. You might think my music is trash and rubbish, but by golly I make 2 million dollars a year playin' it.
The: 2 million? That's ten times what I make.

Granny: [after Granny ran a foot race against Elly May] Who won, Jed?
Jed: Well when you passed me, appears like Elly was out in front of you a little.
Granny: That don't mean nothin'! She's out in front of me standing still.

Jethro: Will y'all stop worryin'. You're travellin' with an educated man.
Elly: You only gradiated 6th grade.
Jed: Elly, you can't fault twelve years of schoolin'.

Howard: Steve, Steve, is your plane runnin'?
Steve: Yeah, I just got it fixed.
Howard: Let's go!
Steve: Where to?
Howard: Let's try for South America!
Mrs. Bertha Hewes: Come back here, you worm!
Milburn: Steve, go after her! Stop her!
Steve: Are you kiddin'? The Green Bay Packers couldn't stop her.
Milburn: This won't change our plans for the new airline will it?
Steve: Well, there's just one little detail. We'll have to call it Hewes Memorial Airport.
Milburn: Memorial, why?
Steve: She just caught him.

Jed: For a while there, you was keen on bein' a brain surgeon.
Jethro: Why, them rascals don't even lay in the same kraut barrel with the double naughts. Why, a brain surgeon might go for days without doin' no worthwhile fightin' or lovin'.

Cousin: [Pearl is offering yodeling lessons for 20 cents] Jed, what do you think of my prices?
Jed: Is that what you been chargin' at home?
Cousin: No, but Beverly Hills is full of millionaires and movie stars, so I figgered I could double 'em and get away with it.
Jed: I reckon you might can. I don't recollect seein' one sign in this whole town advertisin' yodelin' lessons.

Jethro: Listen, Uncle Jed, can I get me a spy car?
Jed: What's a spy car?
Jethro: Oh, wait till you hear about that rascal! It's got a top that flies off and a seat that if you set in it, it throws you from here to yonder, and it drops oil on the road so a feller followin' you will skid, and it shoots out smoke so he can't see.
Jed: Sounds a heap like the truck.

Jed: Jethro, I gotta admire your brain.
Jethro: Why thank you.
Jed: Now that I've admired it, git it outta here.

Jethro: [Jethro describes his experience at the car wash] I followed some arrows around into this here tunnel. I no sooner got inside , this dad-blamed cyclone busted loose.

Daisy: What's that, Jed?
Jed: Well, it's supposed to be 25 pounds of English money, but whoever weighed it must've had his thumb on the scale.

Judge: Rise and address the court.
Jed: Yessir, your courtship.
Judge: Your Honor.
Jed: Aw, just call me Jed.

Daisy: Where was they goin' in such a hurry? That's the first time Jethro ever run that fast away from the kitchen.

Jed: Only one thing can make a girl forget a boy. That's another boy.
Daisy: You got one in mind, Jed?
Jed: That movie studio of mine is crawlin' with 'em.
Daisy: Slitherin' is the word. Snakes in the grass, that's what them Hollywood actors is.

Daisy: Are you through flappin' your trap? Because if you are, I got somethin' to tell ya.
Justin: And what might that be?
Daisy: It's gonna rain tonight.

Jane: I think you should forget about becoming an intelligence agent.
Jethro: Is that the same thing as a spy?
Jane: Yes, it's a dreadfully dangerous occupation and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.
Jethro: That's one of the good things about bein' a double naught spy. You can get shot, stabbed, blowed up, drowned, and everythin'. The first thing you know, they is back huggin' the girls again, good as new.

Jed: It just might be that you got too many critters. You got over 40 dogs, a scad and a half of cats, rabbits, goats, assorted critters wanderin' around the place. Beginnin' to look like the wait room for the ark!

Cousin: Granny, you stay away from Walter McKeegan. He's mine!

Milburn: Granny, he'll be examined by an army doctor.
Daisy: Oh no. It was one of them goobers that killed Jed's cousin!
Milburn: An army doctor?
Daisy: High-rankin' one too, General Peritonitis.

Daisy: [on the phone with Mrs. Drysdale] Listen honey, I got my still set up not fifty feet from your back door. Now you come home an' you n me will get glassy-eyed fallin'-down crocked. You'll get juiced to the eyeballs. How does that sound to ya, honey?
[to Jed]
Daisy: I don't hear nuthin'.

Jed: She mean-mouths you one more time, I'm gonna have to turn you loose.
Daisy: May the bluebird of happiness flutter over your head, Elverna.
Elverna: Are you gonna come down here or do I have to come up and get you? You snivelin' polecat.
Jed: That did it, Granny. Go git her.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Jane: Chief, that studio's been a Hollywood landmark. Why, movie history has been made there for fifty years.
Milburn: That's long enough. Now lets make some money there.

Daisy: Oh please, Eck, where is Elly's cake?
Eck: Right over there.
Daisy: You're usin' it for a millstone?
Eck: The best I've ever had.

Daisy: Now you just cut mud down to that store and spy me up a sack of beans and a slab of fatback. And you do it in a double naught hurry!

Cousin: Grandpa wasn't a day over 90 when he married that girl and his Ma didn't bust up the marriage. That poor little bride just wore out havin' so many young'uns to take care of.

Jethro: There's somethin' I'm gonna need right away and that's iron for my hat.
Jed: Iron for your hat?
Jethro: Yes sir. There was this fella in the movie that had a iron hat. He kept throwin' it at Double Naught Seven.
Jed: What fer?
Jethro: Tryin' to kill him.
Jed: Why didn't he just shoot him?
Jethro: I can't tell you that neither.

Elly: Granny, how come I have to wear this scarf?
Daisy: To keep the cinders and soot outta your hair. You can tell she ain't never rode no train.
Jane: How long since you've ridden one?
Daisy: Nineteen ought two, rode the C & R Thunderbolt from Sibley to Bugtussle. Covered that 18 miles in one hour flat. Broke the record.

Lafayette: Wake up, boy. I'm talkin' on you.
Dub: I'm awake, Pa.
Lafayette: Then look at me.
Dub: What fer? I know what you look like.

Elly: He's gonna get hurt.
Lawrence: No he's not, Elly. He's just teasing the bull.
Elly: Teasin' it?
Lawrence: Yes, to tire it out.
Elly: Hey! You stop teasin' that bull! Stop it or I ain't gonna marry you!

Milburn: I've fed those rotten, spoiled animals for the last time.
Fairchild: Grrr grrr.
Milburn: Hello, Fairchild. No, I wasn't talking about you, you sweet wonderful bear.
Fairchild: Grrr Grrr.
Milburn: I love you too. Would you like some din-din?

Daisy: Where was you playin', Roy?
Cousin: New Crawdad Room at the Bug Tussle Biltmore.

Daisy: Even my shotgun didn't stop him! I tell you, Jed, he's so big that he can't walk through that door!
Jed: Well, then stay in the house, you got nothin' to worry about.

Cousin: Beauty is only skin deep, son.
Jethro: Well, she must have awful deep skin.

Daisy: You put it smack dab right in the middle of this room.
Cousin: Don't you dare! This floor's clean enough to eat off of.
Daisy: Good. Elly, fetch my pot of jowls off of the stove
Cousin: You splatter one drop of jowl juice on this floor and I'll wrap this spinnin' wheel around your neck.
Daisy: You touch that spinnin' wheel and there'll be more than jowl juice splattered on this floor.
Cousin: You lay a hand on me and I'll bash you over the head so hard your shoes will have three toes.

Daisy: Your chickens are in my tomato patch again.
Elly: Well I'm sorry, Granny.
Daisy: Them tomatoes is gonna win me a blue ribbon at the county fair and if I catch your hens peckin' at 'em again, they's gonna be swimmin' in hot gravy.

Daisy: Come back here you hairy little varmint! Get your paw paw-pickin' paws off of my pickled paw paws!

Jane: May thy royal tonsils grow to the size of watermelons.

Elly: What's that about my new maid?
Jethro: Jethro's enamored of her.
Daisy: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.

Roberta: Just a moment, Madame. Unless you have an appointment, you can't see Mr. Clampett.
Daisy: I can too, he's settin' right there.

Shorty: Jed, Granny, where is my big, beautiful doll?
Jed: You mean Elverna or Gloria?
Shorty: I said beautiful Jed. That narrows it down to Gloria.

Tetley: Excuse me, Mr. Faversham, sir. A group of gypsies is approaching the castle.
John: Really?
Tetley: Yes and they're driving a most disreputable-looking vehicle. These vagabonds are to spoil the arrival of the Clampetts.
John: Mr. Tetley, those vagabonds ARE the Clampetts.

Jed: You mind explainin' to me what a guru is?
Jethro: Guru is one of them teachers over in India. They know all the secrets of the far east. They teach you how to meditate, go out of your mind.
Jed: I think you're gettin the hang of that.

Daisy: My first present is a jar of my homemade pickled owl gizzards. And my second present is free medical treatment.
Lance: Thanks. They go together nicely.

Doug: Miss Richards is buying the house.
[hands a tip to Jed, Granny, and Elly May and leaves]
Elly: Ten, twenty, thirty dollars.
Daisy: Is this all they're offering for the place?
Jed: I don't hardly think so. I don't know what we paid for it but I believe that it would top this.

Jed: They done sold Queen Mary to Long Beach.

Daisy: [Granny is trying to cook the fish trophy] When you gonna commence to tenderin' up, you wall-eyed ocean-goin' varmint?
Jed: You cookin' that fish?
Daisy: I ain't givin' him a bath.
Jed: He said he already been prepared by experts, somethin' or other...
Daisy: Taxi driver.
Jed: That sounds like it, yeah.
Daisy: He better stick to drivin'' taxis. He don't know shucks about fish. I've been boilin' this rascal for 2 hours and he's still as tough as harness leather.

Mr. Brubaker: I'm very sorry to disturb him in his time of mourning.
Elly: Oh, that's all right. He's been up since the crack of dawn.

Cousin: Jethro, why don't you try usin' your head for thinkin'?
Jethro: I HAVE tried Ma, and it hurts.

Jane: I can't believe that Jethro would actually rocket himself into the air and expect to fly.
Jed: It's all he can think about anymore. Ain't nuthin' in his head but space.
Daisy: You can say that agin.
Jed: Well, I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. What I meant was the boy... I believe I'll let it stand.

Daisy: Put down the vittles.
Jethro: They won't be safe.
Jed: Put em down boy.
[Jethro puts them down]
Jed: Now they's safe.

Jed: Granny, A high-steppin' filly like the countess wouldn't hitch up to a old plow mule like me.
Daisy: What about Humphrey? He was twice your age and she married him.
Jed: Only because she was tonic'ed to the eyeballs.

Jed: [singing to Millicent Schuyler-Potts] Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Millicent/Just to see me every evening to such trouble you have went/ I', a man and you're a woman you yourself did up and say/ Now you got my heart to wonderin' are you the ma for Elly May.

Daisy: [Jane is holding a condor egg] Where'd you get the egg, Miss Jane?
Jane: Oh, Professor Biddle brought it to me.
Daisy: I'd sure like to get a look at his chickens.

Justin: Did you say Granny?
Jed: Her name is Daisy.
Justin: You mean Hurricane Daisy?
Jed: That's the one.
Justin: Yes she is beginning to give us trouble. We just started tracking her.
Jed: I was afraid of that. Couldn't you just forget about her? She ain't doin' no harm.
Justin: Not now perhaps, but if she ever moves north, there's no estimating the damage she might do.
Jed: I think I can promise you she ain't gonna move north.

Dr. Eugene Twombly: Sounds like your grandmother is rather savage.
Jethro: Sometimes she's as ornery as a mud wasp in a dry gourd.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Violent temper.
Jethro: I'll say.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: You're afraid of her.
Jethro: Oh, yes sir.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: She's vicious.
Jethro: Well that's a fact.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Mean.
Jethro: Durn tootin'.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Cruel.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: You hate her.
Jethro: Granny? Why shes the sweetest little woman that ever lived.

Daisy: [Mr. Drysdale offers to teach the whole Clampett family how to play football] Granny's out in the kitchen.
Elly: Well, let's get out there with the old pigskin.
Daisy: Mr. Drysdale, I wouldn't call her that to her face.

Daisy: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
Jed: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
Jethro: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
Daisy: A bear?
Jethro: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.

Daisy: I gotta run over and check on Mr. Drysdale. I'm doctorin' him for a bad case of the flu.
Jethro: Has he got the Hong Kong strain?
Daisy: No, I don't think he strained his hong kong.
Jethro: You're some doctor. You don't even know what the Hong Kong strain is.
Daisy: Changed your mind about eatin', huh?

Milburn: Well, how are you and Elly May Clampett getting along?
Sonny: Marvelously. She's mad about me.
Milburn: Oh? How do you feel?
Sonny: The same.
Milburn: Really?
Sonny: I'm mad about me, too.

Milburn: Miss Hathaway, I told you to never disturb me while I'm reading "Super Banker".

Milburn: Oh, Elly May, wouldn't you like to try to hit one of the targets?
Elly: Shore would!
Milburn: Well, which gun would you like to use?
Elly: [pulls out a slingshot] Don't want no gun!
Jed: Elly May don't much cotton to firearms.
Milburn: Don't tell me she's gonna try to hit...
Elly: [sets herself, pulls back slingshot] Pull!
[launches perfect shot to shatter clay pigeon, sets arms akimbo and beams with satisfaction, Drysdale gets dejected, blank look on his face]

Milburn: Lady Clementine hasn't eaten in 400 years.
Jed: 400 years?
Daisy: She'll be hungrier than Jethro.

Jed: So far, I ain't been able to get a "howdy do" in edgeways.

Milburn: Now remember your hippocratic oath.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: I have a few oaths for you that Hippocrates never even heard of.

Elly: How much is my dowry?
Jed: Well back home I had it figgered out in pigs, chickens, and goats, but Sonny seems to favor hard cash.

Jane: Jethro, you are like a magnificent skyscraper with an uncompleted penthouse.

Daisy: I'm gonna stay here and do something sensible. I'm gonna boil these golf eggs.

Jethro: [sees sign for Marineland feeding hours] Hot dog! Lookit that. Marines gets fed 6 times a day.

Milburn: I know what I have to do. I'll go to the airport. I'll take Margaret in my arms. I'll look her in the eye and lie like a rug. I'll tell her the Clampetts have left town and put her back on the plane

Jed: And now she's crazy mad in love with you, huh?
Jethro: Is she ever!. Why all the way home, she kept tryin' to get me to drive to some out-of-the-way place so we could be alone.
Jed: No foolin'.
Jethro: Yeah. Kept askin' me to get lost.

Jane: What in the world is that smell?
Daisy: Ain't it tantalizin'? I'm cooking up a mess of my special swamp surprise.
Jane: Swamp surprise? What's in it?
Daisy: Well it's a secret, but I'll tell you. It's crawdads, brisket of alligator, screech owl giblets, diced water moccasin and other swamp critters all simmered in a rich hearty toad stock.
Jane: I'm sorry I asked.

Milburn: Allow me to present you with this box of cigars.
Jed: Well thank you. What's the occasion?
Milburn: Wait till you hear. Now, listen to this: Mr. Clampett, at this moment, you have now got $90 million.
Jethro: [Jethro enters] Howdy Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Jethro
Jed: Hey, Jethro, guess what I got?
Jethro: What?
Jed: A box of cigars.

Daisy: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
Jed: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
Jethro: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!

Daisy: I sent him over a jar of Dr. Daisy's Cold Turkey Tonic.
Jed: Well, that's a new one on me.
Daisy: Oh, it's a harmless vegetable compound as long as you don't drop it or light a match close to it.

Jed: By doggies, if you three don't go together like pone, side meat, and sorghum.

Jane: [Mr. Drysdale wants to evict the beatniks] But chief, they have legal possession, their rent is paid, they're not disturbing the peace.
Milburn: That won't stop me. Where there's a will, there's a way and I have the will. Now you find the way.

Jed: Miss Swanson, don't judge the whole country by these fickle Hollywood folks. Back home, you is the queen of the movies. You always have been and you always will be.

Daisy: I thought they was dancin' till the lights come back on. Then I thought they was havin' fits!
Jed: Did look for all the world like they had a itch they couldn't scratch.

Jed: [remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.

Milburn: I'm paying you to entertain that girl and that's what you're going to do if you have to play hide-and-seek!... Oh really? Well, hang up before she finds you.

Daisy: [singing] I am cookin' grits and jowls, Billy Boy Billy Boy/ I am cookin' grits and jowls darling Billy/And my vittles will be safe now that we is rid of Lafe/He's a good-fer-nuthin' low-down lazy varmint.

Jethro: How do you like my accent?
Milburn: It's atrocious.
Jethro: No no, it's French.

Daisy: Elly honey, run up to the house and fetch us a jug. A body's throat gets a little dry singin' harmony.

Jed: I just don't want you to do no matchmakin'.
Daisy: Matchmakin'? Why I don't know what yer talkin' about. Every man is free to pick his own wife.
Jed: A man picks his own wife like a tomato picks a farmer, especially with you workin' the patch.

Fred: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Fred: What time you coming back?
Sam: Well just as quick as I can Fred. You see a friend of a friend is in Jail over in Ripely and I want to see if I can talk the Judge into taking it easy on him.
Fred: You don't mean Old Vinegar Joe Johnson the hanging Judge?
Sam: Oh now Fred Judge Johnson ain't so bad.
Fred: Where that man spits grass never grows again.
Harry: He only turned mean after his Wife run off with that Banker from Kansas City.
Sam: You see Fred I won't have no trouble as long as the prisoner ain't a Banker or a City feller.

Jethro: We ain't gonna make it to the woods back home. With the gas we got, we'll be doin' good if we get outside the city limits.
Jed: How far can we go?
Jethro: Beats me. We is runnin' on wishful thinkin' right now.
Jed: You better find the first, big, thick, green woods you can.
[engine starts to sputter]
Jed: First place you see more than two trees together, pull over.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'm warning you, stay away from Lance Bradford. He's my brother's only son. My blood flows in his veins!
Daisy: Well let go, or it'll flow down your chin.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You've always been a thorn in my side.
Daisy: I can change that to a fist in your mouth!

Milburn: Now, on your way home, if you see anything you want for Christmas, just pick it up and charge it to me.
Jethro: Hot diggety dog!
[Jethro and Elly May leave then Jethro returns carrying Janet Trego]
Jethro: Come on Uncle Jed! I done picked out my present.

Daisy: How is your wife takin' all this?
Rex: My wife? Oh, you mean the one they talk about on television.
Daisy: You got more 'n her?
Rex: I'm only married to that one for 30 minutes each day. The rest of the time I'm footloose and fancy free.
Daisy: No wonder the poor woman is half-crazed.

Jed: [to Jethro, returning from his stunt double work] You look like you been sortin' bobcats in a burnin' hayloft.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett, what a pleasant surprise.
Milburn: Welcome, welcome, we are honored by your presence.
Daisy: Was we supposed to bring presents?
Jed: I reckon so.

Granny: Vittles!

Gladys: What are your hobbies, Jethro?
Jethro: Oh, uh, eatin'... eatin'... yeah, eatin'.
Gladys: Well one of mine is cookin'.
Jethro: Really?
Gladys: Yes.
Jethro: Gladys, this could be the start of somethin' big.

Daisy: [Mrs. Drysdale is helping Mr. Drysdale with a leg cramp] She's gonna grab that other leg of his and make a wishbone out of him.
Jed: Maybe it's some sort of a game, Granny.
Daisy: Well if it is, there's gonna be an undertaker keepin' score.

Granny: Elly May, get these varmints outa here!
Elly: But Granny, they ain't varmints, they is my critters!
Granny: I don't care if they is your cousins, git em outa my kitchen before I make stew outa them!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, appearances is the smallest part of Roto-Romance. True love depends on our cards.
Jed: I'd say you'd been dealt a losin' hand.

Milburn: This happens to be great inspiring literature, the story of Harold Hart. In everyday life, a mild-mannered bank president, but when our economy is in danger, he slips into his vault and emerges as Money Man, a great American hero. Faster than a forclosure, stronger than an armored car, able to leap the national debt with a single bound.

Gladys: Not one man whistled at me all morning.
Lester: Who's gonna whistle at a woman with a sawed-off shotgun?
Earl: Especially when her husband has a machine gun.

Jed: [Elly May is holding a skunk] Granny'd appreciate it if you'd have this little feller sleep with his own family.
Elly: Alright, I'll go get the others in.
Jed: No, no , no, outdoors with his family.

Jed: Well as you know, the queen gets her weight in possums. Well Granny here don't weigh 7 stone soppin' wet. But in order to balance out Mrs. Drysdale, it's gonna take 30 or 40 good-sized possum. And where is them extra possums comin' from? From your own back yards!

Daisy: I'm cuttin' off your tonic.
Colonel: No, no, not that, Daisy!
Daisy: Dr. Daisy to you. No weddin', no tonic.
Colonel: I'll go and have another word with the girl.
Jed: No, don't do that.

Daisy: She's the one that jilted poor Jethro.
Sandra: Oh, I only did it to save him.
Daisy: Save him?
Sandra: Yes, well, I'm only a commoner and he's royalty. Well, if he'd married me, the Queen would have cut off his head.

Jed: I'm goin' back to bed.
Daisy: You mean you ain't goin' to fight with yer family?
Jed: I been fightin' with you for 2 days.
Daisy: I mean shoulder to shoulder agin Grant and his bushwhackin' fureigners.

Daisy: I handed that girl five thousand dollars and she handed it back to me. Said it wouldn't buy nothin'.
Jane: [Jane examines the money] Well, no wonder, Granny. It's Confederate.
Daisy: So am I.

Jed: You cut down one of our trees to make that?
Jethro: No sir. Cut down one of Mrs. Drysdale's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: So Granny won't know about it.
Jed: Well, Mrs. Drysdale will know about it. She's gonna yell bloody murder.
Jethro: She ain't home.
Jed: When she comes home and sees what you done, she'll likely call the police.
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it looked like a beaver done it.

Elly: Was you two out all night?
Daisy: Oh not me. I come home at a decent hour, but your Pa was like a colt in a clover patch.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett tells me that you've conjured up some sort of love charm for Elly May.
Elly: Right chere it is, made out of old secrets.
Jane: That is ludicrous, irrational, sophomoric, and pure hokum.
Daisy: [Granny laughs] You didn't even guess one ingredient.

Buddy: Maybe you can help me, I'm lost.
Jed: Looking for a barbershop, are you?

Milburn: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet/ Figuring her interest rate/Along came a spider and sat down beside her/ And said "Hey, this Commerce Bank is great!"

Milburn: Where is the Bank of Bug Tussle?
Shorty: Well, believe it or not, it's in Bug Tussle.
Milburn: Well, where is Bug Tussle.
Shorty: You passed right through it on the way here.
Milburn: Impossible! In 20 miles, I passed one building.
Shorty: That's Bug Tussle.

Jethro: Hey, Granny was right. Hey, you are stove up. Why, you are as stiff as a board. I'll go tell her.
Jed: No. What do you wanna tell her fer?
Jethro: Well, so she can take care of you. She'll rub in some of her liniment.
Jed: Only thing she'll rub in'll be some of her 'I told ya so's' and I'll be dogged if I'm gonna give her that satisfaction.

Elly: How do you like my joggin' outfit?
Jed: That's real cute, Elly, but you're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.

Daisy: Write your name on this paper and then burn it. Then take the ashes and put 'em in this hollered-out peach pit.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then get 14 petals and lay 'em out on the ground underneath your bedroom window in the shape of a heart.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then dig a hole in the middle and bury the peach pit with a lock of your hair.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then close yer eyes and spin around 3 times and throw this magic buckeye on the roof.
Elly: What's all this fer?
Daisy: Well I might as well tell ya. When you do all that and I throw my secret conjure on the fire, you get a fella.
Elly: That's dandy. Just for good luck, Ill hang a horseshoe on the door.
Daisy: No. No no child, I wouldn't want folks thinkin' I'm superstitious.

Jed: You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes!
Daisy: Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?

Milburn: You studied medicine at John Hopkins?
Jed: I can vouch for that. Granny rode a mule all the way to Timbo Arkansas just to study with John and Elviry Hopkins.

Daisy: If yer too chicken to shoot him, Elly's got her wolves standin' by.

Daisy: [Faking serious illness] I'm goin' to join the angels.
Jethro: [Referring to California baseball teams] Well, they's doin' better than the Dodgers!

Daisy: I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on, that Mr. Brewster.
Jed: Well now Granny, Pearl's a widow woman. She's got a right to look.
Daisy: I ain't knockin' it. I got my eyes open myself.

Jed: Why you yell "sooey" at that rascal, you better not stand betwixt him and the trough.

Jethro: I couldn't find no wretchweed or dogbane either. Couldn't find no lizard eggs nor dried beetles.
Daisy: How can you be a doctor in Beverly Hills without the proper medicine?

Lester: [singing] Then a gang of killers come a roarin' into town/ A shootin' and a lootin' every bank for miles aroun'/ But when they reached the Commerce Bank, the killers turned tail/ Cause there like a bear stood Milburn Drysdale/ Super Banker that is/ Real nice fella/ Y'all keep them deposits comin', hear?

Jethro: I wish they was here so they could help me unload the truck and fry up a pan of them karate chops.

Mr. Pinckney: You are never to address me as Arthur, only as Mr. Pinckney, sir.
Daisy: I ain't no sir!
Jed: I wouldn't fault him for that. Maybe he don't see so good, he's lost half his glasses.

Milburn: New York cab drivers have a reputation of being surly. Now you have the opportunity of changing that image.
Cabbie: I'm gonna change your image. How would you like your nose over here?

Daisy: I'm a doctor, not a fortune teller. You give me my bat wings and my newt eggs and my spider webs. I don't want nothin' to do with this black magic.

Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was!
[Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story]
Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!
Jed: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

Milburn: Stop using that filthy 4-letter word!
Linda: What 4-letter word?
Milburn: Free!

Colonel: You say he's had 12 years of schooling?
Jed: Clean through the 6th grade.
Colonel: I see, 12 years, 6th grade, but he was the highest in his class?
Jed: By a good 2 feet.

Daisy: Out here, a comin' out party can get a gal married quicker than a shot gun could back home.

Jethro: The only thing I know is that them rascals is sure hard to kill. After you shoot 'em, you gotta club 'em.

Jed: This here is Jed Clampett. I'd like to buy some stock.
telephone: Do you know the number you wish to reach?
Jed: Well that's more or less up to the animals.

Milburn: Somebody broke in and took my $2000 bird. Call the police!
Jane: Well now Chief, maybe it got out and wandered off. Don't you think we should look for it first?
Milburn: Is it insured?
Jane: I'm afraid not.
Milburn: Well, then we'll look for it.

Mr. Mortimer: I want you to try to sell him a family plot. These people are loaded.
Mr. Brubaker: I see there are four in the family.
Mr. Mortimer: Yeah, but I want you to sell them five plots. One for their banker.
Mr. Brubaker: Banker?
Mr. Mortimer: Believe me, when Clampett goes, that guy will kill himself.

Elly: [referring to the van] Are Miss Jane and the Grun girls in there?
Milburn: No, they're at the bank.
Daisy: I suppose you got 'em locked up in the vault.
Milburn: No, I didn't think of it.
Daisy: What?
Milburn: No, I wouldn't think of it.

Dash: Mr. Drysdale, money isn't everything.
Jane: Here here.
[applauds]
Milburn: [points to the door] There there, out!

Daisy: But my shotgun's in the cabin, there.
Jane: No no no Granny, Granny Please, Mr. Drysdale knows the law. He knows how to handle the situation.
Daisy: So do I... with buckshot.

Milburn: Margaret, I've asked you not to barge in here while I'm working.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh pish tosh. What's more important than our darling getting married?
Milburn: Sonny's getting married?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh no no no no, dear. Claude is getting married.
[Claude is her poodle]

Granny: They'll just find my bleached bones out on the desert, where I died from hunger and thirst...
[goes back to fetch her jug]
Granny: Well, hunger anyway.

Jed: Granny, fetch the guns. We're headed for the beach.
Daisy: We gonna fight the grunions?
Jed: You betcha.

Daisy: Jethro, I want you to wear this uniform with pride and valor, like my grand daddy wore it in the great war.
Jethro: Granny, that's a Confederate uniform!
Daisy: You bet it is, and this is the sword he used to defend our country when the North invaded America!

Gladys: I changed my mind about being a movie star. I just wanna be this man's wife.
Lester: Gladys, I ain't one to thump a free melon, but how come?
Gladys: Well, I never realized how much you love me, Lester. Any man who can eat my horrible hoecake and not complain.
Lester: I've eaten worse things.
Gladys: You have?
Lester: Yeah, your grits.

Jed: I'm afraid it's too late. These cookies are burnt brown and hard as rocks.
Elly: I ain't put 'em in the oven yet.

Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale hurt himself when he bent over to pick up the ball] Your sacroiliac again?
Elly: Yes. Get me home quick before Granny tries to doctor me.

Elly: I made a whole box of lady fingers. He likes to snack between bites.
Jane: You mean between meals.
Elly: Not Jethro.

Jethro: That was Mrs. Drysdale. She says that she's gonna throw Granny's soap kettle into the ce-ment pond. Let's go watch the fun, Elly.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: All I need is for you to file a complaint.
Booth: Oh I have no complaint. I've just been made west coast distributor for the first cold cure in medical history.

Daisy: [Jethro reels in a boot] Elly, fetch my pole, quick!
Jed: What fer? This ain't nothin' but a boot.
Daisy: I know it. I wanna fish fer the other one. They're better'n the ones I'm wearin'.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: Haven't you heard of streptomycin? Aureomycin? Cortisone?
Daisy: Roy, you come to me for advice, and I'm givin' it to ya. Ferget them quack medicines. Stick with modern science. Yer stump waters, yer slippery elm ooze, tule root, and them wonder drugs, like sassafras and wahoo bark.

Daisy: Who are you, lovely, talented girl.
Elly: My name is Elly May.
Daisy: Well Elly May, you sure do make a fine candle.
Elly: Thank you, ma'am.
Daisy: I bet you nobody here has ever seen anything shaped as good as that. And the candle ain't bad neither.

Jethro: These are the last 2 jugs of moonshine in the root cellar, Granny. Can I have somethin' to eat now?
Daisy: What did you call that?
Jethro: Moonshine. Can I have somethin' to eat now? I'm starvin'.
Daisy: That is flu serum!
Jethro: Granny, that's corn squeezin's.
Daisy: You want somethin' to eat?
Jethro: Sure do.
Daisy: Then tell me agin what this is.
Jethro: Oh, that's flu serum.

Jed: Mornin' Granny. How's your rheumatiz?
Daisy: What rheumatiz?
Jed: Pearl said you was havin' some twinges last night. That's how come she put a little mountain dew into your squirrel soup.
Daisy: Pearl spiked my soup?
Jed: Yeah, she figgered it would help you to sleep. And you was likin' it too, Granny, you kept askin' for another slug of soup.

Granny: I been watchin' the tv. The Republicans claim that the Democrats is draggin' their feet, and the Democrats come back and say the Republicans ain't got a leg to stand on.
Jed: I'll say this. You get enough of your tonic into them two parties, this country's gonna have one rip-snortin' election.

Milburn: [In Mr. Drysdale's office] Now then, type up a business expense voucher for last night's dinner conference. Uh, food, uh, $150. Beverage, $200. Entertainment, $15.
Jane: Entertainment? At a business dinner?
Milburn: Guest speaker. Gave a very interesting demonstration of the 27.5% depletion allowance benefits.
Jane: I've got to make a note of his name.
Milburn: Of course. Uh, C.D. Laverne.
Jane: Laverne, C.D.
Milburn: That's right. Now take a letter to, uh...
Janet: [the secretary opens the door] Excuse me, I'm sorry, but there's a Chickadee Laverne who *insists* on seeing Mr. Drysdale.
Jane: [surprised] Chickadee?
Milburn: You tell ol' Chick I'll call him from the club.
Chickadee: [Chickadee bursts in] Call me, nothin'! You promised me cash on the barrelhead for the show I did last night.
Jane: [incredulous] *You* are C.D. Laverne?
Chickadee: They call me 'Chickadee'.
Milburn: That was a very interesting demonstration of depletion allowance benefits, Miss Laverne.
Chickadee: Thank you.
[Turning to Miss Hathaway]
Chickadee: I do this dance where I take off everything except 27.5%.

Daisy: And when your money's gone, she'll drop you. What'll you do then?
Jed: I'll get into bed with a hot water bottle and you can fetch me some liniment.

Judge: You're in contempt of court just from the way you look.
Milburn: It's not my fault. I didn't sleep a wink last night. They were building a scaffold outside my cell.
Judge: Yeah, we gonna hang that big city banker that ran off with my wife.
Milburn: Hang him? Why?
Judge: He brought her back.

Daisy: I see somebody stuck you with a sick hawg.
Milburn: Sick hog?
Daisy: Oh, he's in bad shape. His bristles have all fell out and his tail has come unkinked. Oh, I grant ya he looks big and fat, but that's cuz he's a wind sucker, all bloat. Take my word for it, Mr. Drysdale, that hawg is dyin of the epizootic!
Milburn: Granny, you must mean the hippopotamus.
Daisy: I mean the epizootic!

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Jed: I declare, duke, if Mr. Drysdale give us a string of weenies, that girl'd make pets outta 'em.

Jed: My cousin Pearl tells me she had no more than said "Howdy" and you commenced pullin' her to the settee. By doggies that's droppin' a rusty bucket down my well!

Jed: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Jed: [Gloria is teaching Jed a new dance] What did you say this one was called?
Gloria: It's called the twist.
Jed: Feller was to dance this in the fresh-plowed field, he'd auger his way right into the ground.

Jethro: Well I ain't gonna ask for no more of them karate chops.

Milburn: If it'll help keep the Clampett account, he can call me Milburn Goldfinger.

Daisy: Did you see that coat?
Jed: I reckon that explains what happened to the other 5 cats.
Elly: Awful!
Daisy: Poor woman.
Jethro: She's really hard up. ain't she?
Jed: She is for a fact. It's bad enough havin' to sell her bathtub, but when it comes to skinnin' her cats for clothes...
[the Clampletts leave, crying]

Elly: Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!
Jed: What?
Elly: She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!
Jed: Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.
Elly: Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!
Jed: Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.

Jane: Mr. Cratchit, where is Ripley?
Homer: I'll never tell, Miss Hathaway, never never never.

Elly: Is this your dog, mister?
Jerry: Look out! He's a man-eater!
Elly: Well I ain't no man.

Milburn: Why are you going home?
Daisy: For the Possum Festival.
Jed: You ain't forgot it's comin' on for Possum Day, have you?
Milburn: Of course not. You can celebrate it right here.
Daisy: Bah! We tried that last year.
Jed: It ain't much fun when you're the only ones celebratin'.
Daisy: We drove all over town yellin', "Happy Possum Day!"
Jed: Folks looked at us like we was hangin' off our hinges.

Jed: Oh, you got yerself a girlfriend, huh?
Jethro: Yeah, we's gonna be married, live in a fine covered cottage and have scads of kids and live happy ever after... if I could work out just one problem.
Jed: What's that?
Jethro: She hates me.

Milburn: It's New Year's Day. At the Rose Bowl, a hundred thousand people watching, millions more on television. Suddenly a flying saucer appears.
Jane: Flying saucer?
Milburn: It hovers over the Bowl. Every eye is turned skyward and every camera turned upon it. Suddenly, a voice booms out: "Take us to your leader, your financial leader, the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills."

Jane: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts!
Milburn: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.

Jed: If he eats her vittles, we'll never get him to the church.
Daisy: Oh he'll get to the church alright, but six of his friends will be totin' him in a box.
Jed: Now Granny, it ain't that bad.
Daisy: It's so bad, Jethro won't eat it. You cain't get worse than that.

Jed: Now make us proud of ya. You are Vice President in charge of my money.
Jethro: Don't worry, Uncle Jed. When I get through handlin' it, you're gonna have a million dollars.
Jed: Jethro.
Jethro: Yes sir?
Jed: I got 50 million now.

Milburn: I've got some brilliant stuff here. Listen to this: Peter Peter pumpkin eater/ Had a wife but couldn't keep her/Got a loan from Uncle Milby/Now they always happy will be.

Jed: Who's this young feller?
Daisy: His name is Pat Boone, Jed. He smelled my collards cookin' and come a-runnin'.
Jed: Well, glad to have you, son. Where you from?
Pat: Tennessee.
Jed: By doggies, I've known Granny's collards to pull 'em in from a long way off, but this is a new record.

Jethro: If you hadn't made me turn loose that Grunion I captured, I'da had her unload the truck.
Jed: We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy.
Daisy: That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness.
Jethro: Granny, you sure do get things twisted.
Daisy: Do as I say, or you're goin' to get things twisted, startin' with your neck!

Cousin: Every Saturday night I play in Bug Tussle. Then during the week, I play the small towns.

Jane: After what you've done, I don't know how you manage to sleep at night.
Milburn: Very simple. I count money.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: But you've still got that Luther somebody and his Ozark jug band.
Jed: Luther Gooch phoned to cancel too. Seems they needed some new jugs to toot on, so they had a party and now they got the jugs, but nobody's sober enough to play 'em.

Miss: Miss Jane Hathaway.
Lawrence: Never heard of her.
Miss: She's with the Commerce Bank.
Lawrence: Never heard of her.
Miss: They represent the new owner of the studio.
Lawrence: [takes the phone] Hello, Janie baby!

Jethro: [as Leo Durocher is about to hit a golf ball] Whomp it Mr. Durocher!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, they's quit the Beverly Hills club and joined ours.
Elly: They seen us joggin', and started followin' us for some reason.
[the men are all looking at Elly]

Daisy: Are you sufferin' over there without us women folks?
Jed: Granny, any time you're holed up with Jethro, you're bound to do some sufferin'.

Daisy: Somebody shot this card all full of holes.
Mr. Filbert: Oh no, that's Mr. Clampett's data card. All the information that you've given me is on it.
Daisy: You mean the answers to them nosy questions you asked me?
Mr. Filbert: That's right. And now I'm going to put this card through our computer and in a moment, out will come the theoretically perfect woman for Jed Clampett.
Daisy: This better be on the up-and-up, or you're gonna be flatter than that card and just as full of holes.

Agnes: Two people can have all the money in the world and still not be happy.
Milburn: I think you'd better call a psychiatrist. You're cracking up.

Milburn: [Jane Hathaway is sick at home and Mr. Drysdale is phoning to ask her to come back to work. Only his side of the conversation is heard] Ms. Hathaway, how can you do this to me? Now, now you know the bankers' convention is in town and I'm making the keynote speech.
[sputtering]
Milburn: Well, well, well, you haven't finished writing it for me! Now listen, couldn't, couldn't you come in today and be sick tomorrow? Huh? 103 fever? Well, I'll, I'll, I'll turn on the air conditioning!

Marty: Jane, this is marvelous, simply marvelous and what a surprise. Who'd think that a stuffy millionaire like Clampett would come up with a hillbilly party. The man is a genius and those accents. They must have been practicing for weeks.
Jane: Longer than that.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, did anything happen to Granny?
Milburn: I'll say. She had the winners of the 5th, 6th, and 7th races. Blew it all on the 8th.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Daddy, it's so kind of you to let Milburn's bank handle your transactions.
Lowell: Well if I'm going to give someone the business, it might as well be Milburn.

Jed: As a matter of fact, Jethro won the eatin' championship.
Jane: How marvelous. What was he champion of?
Jed: Eatin'.
Jane: I know, but what was it? Cricket?
Jed: No, no, it was crawdad. I don't think even Jethro would eat crickets.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: When I drove by just now, that Pearl woman screeched at me.
Milburn: She was probably yodeling.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Well, it frightened me so, I almost wrecked the car.
Milburn: She was definitely yodeling.

Jethro: It builds up your hemogoblins.

Elly: Jethro, I can do them "Ho ho ho"s better'n you. Let me try bein' Santa.
Jethro: You dumb ol' elf. Girls can't be Santa. You'd look silly in a beard. Besides, it took 5 pillows and 19 helpings of Granny's grits to get me up to size.

Jed: [Clifton Cavanaugh meets Jed] I'm Jed Clampett.
Clifton: So, you're J.D. Clampett, eh?
Jed: Yes, sir. Pleased to meet ya.
Clifton: It's a rare treat to shake hands with you like this.
[shakes hands]
Jed: Oh? That's the way I've always done it.

Jed: [Jane explains the tax benefits of a corporation] Mr. Treasurer, you hear all that?
Jethro: Oh yes sir, every word.
Jed: You understand it?
Jethro: No sir, not a word.

Jethro: How soon will this mess be ready, Granny?
Daisy: What did you call my vittles?
Jethro: Oh, that's military talk. When us officers eat, we call it a mess and this here is a mess hall.

Jed: I reckon cousin Pearl can look after herself, but I got a daughter, Elly May, an' I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're gonna find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier.

Jethro: [Jed has given Jethro a letter to take to the bank] Hot diggity dog! I'ma carry this down to the bank, and I'ma carry me a girl back!
Jed: Whoa, whoa! It ain't as simple as all that. Even if you *should* find the right girl, you gotta make courtin' talk with her.
Jethro: I do?
Jed: Why, of course!
Jethro: Well, Uncle Jed, how do you make courtin' talk?
Jed: Well... ya gotta kinda sidle into it, like, you start off with, uh, 'Nice day, ain't it?' Then you work around to where it looks like gonna be a nice night, for a walk, or a drive, or dance. Of course, along the way, ya gotta throw in a couple of 'My, ain't you pretty's', and, uh, 'I bet you're a dandy dancer.' What do you think about that?
Jethro: I catch on now, Uncle Jed!
Jed: All right, boy, ya got enough to get ya started.
Jethro: Yes, sir. Yee-haw!
[Jethro runs out]
Jed: Some girl is in for a *mighty* spirited courtship!

Jethro: Hey, you know that boat that was in the bottle?
Milburn: What do you mean, was?
Jethro: Well I got it out for ya.
Milburn: You didn't.
Jethro: Yes sir, it was easy. All I did was knock the bottom outta the bottle.

Daisy: Young'uns, you know the code of the hills. What is the lowest, meanest, traitorous thing a friend can do to his neighbor?
Elly: Tell the revenooers he's got a still.

Milburn: What a choice, I can listen to my wife or face an ugly mob. I'll take the mob. Goodbye dear.
[hangs up the phone]

Daisy: Ther's goin' to be some grown-up courtin' in here. Sam Drucker's comin' to town.
Jed: To see you?
Daisy: He ain't comin' to see Mae Busch.
Jed: What about that sayin' your granny had down there in Tennessee?
Daisy: My grandpa had another sayin': "Old violins make the sweetest music. Course, you have to have the right beau."
[Jed is unimpressed]
Daisy: That's a witty sayin' Jed.
Jed: Not too witty.
Daisy: Well, it beats "Well doggies".

Miss: Isn't there a bathroom?
Daisy: Oh sure. Right through that door yonder.
Miss: This leads outside.
Daisy: That's where it is.

Justin: Madam, you have my assurance there will be no precipitation tonight.
Daisy: Maybe not, but there's gonna be a whole slew of rain.

Jed: Come on inside and set a spell, Mr. Leroy. Jethro'll fix yer car for ya.
Leroy: Well, I don't have much money.
Jed: Why, you'd insult Jethro if you offered him any money.
Jethro: No he wouldn't.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, I almost hated to gradiate. I was a real BMOC.
Jed: A what.
Jethro: Well that stands for Big Man on Campus. As a matter of fact, I was a OMOC, Only Man on Campus.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: As a gift, why don't you give the Clampetts a nice long vacation in some tropical retreat, like Devil's Island.

Daisy: Elly, you get rid of the ants. I'll start the cookin'.
Elly: What ants?
Daisy: Start with your aunt Pearl.

Cousin: So this is Californy. It's so warm and the air smells different from the mountains.
Jed: Yep, looks different too. Out here, you can see what yer breathin'.

Daisy: [the harem girls are dancing] Stop that! No more hoochie coochie!

Judge: Is that the degenerate criminal I had to give up my fishin' trip for just when the bass started bitin'?

Jethro: I'm goin' back to bein' a brain surgeon.
Jed: How come you kept the suit?
Jethro: I'm gonna be workin' mostly around bull rings
Jed: Lot of call for brain surgeon in there.
Jethro: They's gotta be Uncle Jed. Anybody that fights bulls for a livin' needs a lot of work on his brain.

Elly: I've got my financing for Las Vegas, a rich widow.
Jethro: Really?
Elly: Yeah, we're forming a partnership.
Jethro: Ha! Good luck.
Elly: You don't object?
Jethro: Why should I? Her money isn't in my bank... is it?
Elly: As a matter of fact it is.
Jethro: You don't mean Granny?
Elly: I call her Daisy. She calls me Lowell.
Jethro: Why you Beacon Hill bunko artist!

Commodore: Who are you? His nurse?
Elly: No sir. I'm Jethro's yes-girl. No matter what he says, I got to say "Yes" to it.
Commodore: [Watching Elly May walk away] Maybe the kid isn't as dumb as he acts.

Mr. Fleming Pendleton: If somebody should buy a lot of wheat right now, say, say a million bushels, what do you think they'd make?
Jed: Well, Mr. Pendleton, I'd reckon they'd make a lot of bread.
Mr. Fleming Pendleton: What did he mean by that?
Mr. Lucas: Fleming, you are square. "Bread" is hip talk for "money."

Shorty: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
Daisy: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
Jed: Yep.
Daisy: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.

Jethrine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight.
Cousin: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.
Daisy: There ain't nobody twice your age!
Cousin: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
[slaps table]
Daisy: Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.

Jethro: Aw gee, y'all treat me like I'm a kid! I'm a graduate of the 6th grade!

Milburn: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time.
Jed: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'.
Milburn: Really?
Jed: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
[Mr Drysdale thinks it's a joke and laughs until Jed gives him a stern look]
Milburn: Mr. Drysdale, that ain't very funny.

Miko: Well doggies! If it ain't ol' Banzai.

Milburn: With Elly in the movies, the Clampetts aren't likely to go back to the hills. And with her beauty, she might become a big star. And if she becomes a big star, she'll make a lot of money. And if she makes a lot of money, she'll put it in *my* bank.
Jane: Oh chief, is that all you're thinking of?
Milburn: Of course not, I'm thinking of Elly. Now she might meet some young men, have dates, romance, get married. She might marry a big star. And if she does, he'll put his money in *my* bank.

Jethro: And then I kissed her.
Jed: You did?
Jethro: I did, there was still some icing left on her lips.

Jethro: Oh boy, when she looks at me, I can feel it clean down to my toes!
First: No wonder. She ran over your foot.

Lester: Well aren't you comin' in, Darling?
Gladys: No, Lester. Miss Hathaway's going to drive me right to the studio for wardrobe fitting.
Earl: You're both gonna miss Granny's vittles.
Gladys: Yeah.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya.
Jed: What is it, boy?
Jethro: I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it.
Jethro: Well come on, get it over with.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon.
Jed: Well I reckon I can bear up under that.

Jed: The little girl here woulda tore your heart out. Poor little thing had a nervous tic in her foot. Couldn't stop tappin' it. She had wore out so many pairs of shoes, her ma had to put iron plates on 'em.

Judge: What else is this hobo charged with?
Bailiff: Transportin' moonshine.
[puts a jug on the Judge's bench]
Judge: Smells like Tennessee Tranquilizer.
Daisy: You got a good nose on you, Judge. That's just what it is.
Judge: Who are you?
Daisy: I'm her Granny and I made that stuff you're sniffin'.
Judge: You may approach the bench.
[whispers to Granny]
Judge: How would you like to go fishin' too?
Daisy: Can I take Elly and her bear with us?
Judge: I insist on it.
Daisy: It's a deal.
Judge: Bailiff, is there any more of this here evidence?
Bailiff: Yes, your honor, 3 jugs.
Judge: I want it all impounded on my boat. Court's adjourned.

Jed: [Granny fills a glass from her jug] Who ya pourin' that fer?
Daisy: Oh, that's for Miss Carrington. I think she's gonna drop over.
Jed: She will if she drinks that. Then she'll lay there for a spell.

Daisy: Jed, what's ailing you? You know durn good & well your great-grandpappy's name was Ezekiel.
Jed: I know, Granny. But what would an old mountain goat like me have to say to the President & Congress? Come on, everybody, let's do the Virginia Reel.

Jed: Granny's always felt special close to Gloria Swanson.
Daisy: We is look-a-likes, ya know.
Jethro: You and Gloria Swanson look-a-likes?
Daisy: If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times!
Jethro: Is she kiddin' Uncle Jed?
Jed: No, I've heard it a hundred times myself. Course it was always Granny that said it.

Jethro: I'm goin' to that big courtin' parlor in the sky.
Jed: You get this stuff rusty and you're goin' to that little woodshed out back.

Jed: By doggies, whatever Miss Jane's got, it's hid like a quail in a thicket.

Agnes: If people are in love, they can be deliriously ecstatically happy without a penny to their name.
Milburn: I'll drive. You lie down in the back seat.

Daisy: She'll be lookin' for a grandmother, and after 400 years, her eyes ain't gonna be so good.

Milburn: [reading the label on Granny's medicine bottle] Fer pain. One swoller. Don't open near fire.

Jane: I don't know which will hurt them more. Getting laughed at then or being told now they're doing everything wrong.
Milburn: You've got to tell them.
Jane: Absolutely not, I'll resign first.
Milburn: Alright, resign first, then tell them.

Secretary: Goodbye Dashy-Washy.
Dash: Goodbye Jeanie-Weanie.
Milburn: Scramsy-wamsy or you're firedsy-wiredsy.
Secretary: Yes sir.

Jethro: Doggone it, Uncle Jed, I bet you ol' Double Naught Seven wouldn't let nobody swat him on the seat of his britches and send him runnin' for beans and fatback.
Jed: Ol' Double Naught Seven ain't never run into Granny.

Lawrence: Our one chance to keep this studio open is to keep Jed Clampett happy. If he loses interest, that banker will come in here with a bulldozer and we'll all be selling used cars... our own!

Elly: Miss Jane straightened me out on that bullfightin' business.
Jethro: She did, huh?
Elly: Yeah, it turns out you don't hand wrassle him at all.
Jethro: Just kinda wastin' your time, huh?
Elly: Yeah, but I know what to do now.
Jethro: What's the tablecloth fer?
Elly: For the bull.
Jethro: Now wait a minute, boy, let your Granny cook him first!

Jethro: You see, double naught spies is what you call irresistable to women. This fella spent most of his time fightin' and lovin' and lovin' and fightin' and lovin' some more.

Jed: Alright Lafe, supposin' you stop blowin' on the fur and get to the hide. What are you tryin' to say?

Jed: Your honor, Mr. Drysdale is a real good friend of ours. I can vouch for his character.
Judge: If I was to turn him loose, is he the kind of a banker that would run off with my wife?
Jed: Naw, he wouldn't do nuthin' like that.
Judge: Well, in that case, we might as well take him fishin' with us. Prisoner is sentenced to cut bait.

Mrs. Vanderpont: We are looking for a financial institution, whose clientele is of the very highest social caliber. Leaders of society, aristocracy, et cetera.

Daisy: I can't take Pearl's screechin' any longer. Sounds like a pine knot in a saw mill.

Milburn: Oh, I had a wonderful dream. I was all alone with Gina Lollobrigida.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: And she made a half million dollar deposit.

Jed: Looks like Jethro done all right.
Daisy: Found hisself a girl?
Jed: From here, it looks like he found himself a girl and a half.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, look what they give me.
[shows him a $10 bill]
Jed: Hey, Granny, they just upped it to forty.

Milburn: [Mr. Drysdale is trying to hang himself] It's too late. Don't try to change my mind. Just pull the desk out from under me.
Jane: Chief, I couldn't.
Milburn: If you feel that strongly about losing me.
[removes the noose]
Jane: No, no, it's not that. It's just that this desk is too heavy for me to pull.
Milburn: Miss Hathaway!
Jane: If you'd like to get on to this chair...

Jed: Right now, if Granny's chin was any lower, you could plow with it.

Milburn: J. D. Clampett thinks a market is just a place to buy "vittles".
Mr. Fleming Pendleton: Make a note of that. Vittles, common or preferred?

Jed: Mr. Drysdale give us that bird for a meal, not a pet.
Elly: He's awful smart, pa, and friendly too. Why I learned him to shake hands.
Jed: Elly, he ain't likely to be goin' into politics.

Milburn: I was supposed to get a lot of money.
Daisy: That is a lot of money. Why back home, with five dollars, you can buy enough land to live off of and enough moonshine to make livin' worthwhile.

Jane: Maria, tell me more about your frightening experience with Jethro.
Marie: Well, there was a knock, I opened the door, and Jethro just swept me up into his big strong arms, held me tight and wouldn't let me go.
Jane: And he said that was feuding?
Marie: Yes, that's why I was afraid to open the door right now.
Jane: You've been through a shattering ordeal. Go and lie down... I'll watch the front door.

Jed: Where's your buggy?
Daisy: Lightnin' run so fast, she pulled right outta the harness.

Jethro: You know somethin' Jed? That there is a real dumb dog.
Jed: Well I don't think he's so dumb, Jethro. He just learned you how to fetch sticks for him.

Elly: I sure hope Maria gets to stay.
Jed: On thing's certain. We can't let her go home to Venice. Not right now.
Elly: How come?
Jed: Look at that.
[shows Elly a postcard from Maria's family in Venice]
Jed: They is havin' one of the worst floods I ever seen.

Mr. Pinckney: I shall fight you in the drawing room, I shall fight you in the bed chambers, I shall fight you in the kitchen, and I shall so bear myself that if Arthur Pinckney and his fame last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was his finest hour.

Miss: Thank you, Shorty.
Shorty: You're welcome, Jeanne.
Miss: I'm Gloria.
Shorty: Oh yeah. Jeanne was my 12 o'clock date, or was that Patricia? No, it was Helen. Patricia is the one I took home on the way to pick you up.

Daisy: He proposed to me by mail once, but Elly's bear et my letter.

Jethro: What are you holdin' under the table, Uncle Jed?
Jed: None of your business, now get out.
Jethro: Why, you're polishin' your shoes! Hey Ma, Granny, Elly May, Uncle Jed's polishin' his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!

Jane: Chief, may I present Lt. Mark Templeton of the United States Navy.
Milburn: Are you here to open an account?
Mark: No sir.
Milburn: Make a loan?
Mark: No sir.
Milburn: Shove off, sailor.

Jed: You know, the only way you'd get a housekeeper past Granny is to hold a shotgun on her.
Elly: Even that might not work. She's dead set agin 'em.

Jethro: I was just doin' my Yogi exercises.
Jed: Hangin' upside down? Then is possum exercises.

Milburn: [dictating a letter to Miss Jane] ... and furthermore, if you are late on your mortgage payment one more time you will be thrown out into the street...
Jane: Chief, she's eighty-five years old and in a wheelchair!
Milburn: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... change that to read, you will be wheeled out into the street.

Milburn: [Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.
Jed: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?
Milburn: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

Jed: [trying to revive the Green Knight] Maybe some water'll bring him around.
Daisy: Yeah.
[opens his canteen and sniffs it]
Daisy: Jed, if this is water, we gotta find the crick it come from.
[takes a swig]
Daisy: That's what you call water!
Jed: You sure?
Daisy: Distilled water!
[takes another swig]
Jed: Granny, it's for him.

Daisy: When did you leave Tennessee?
Pat: Oh, 15 years ago.
Daisy: Whatcha been doin' all that time?
Pat: Singin' mainly.
Daisy: Oh, no steady work, huh?

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Jed, I've been trying to tell you something in a subtle manner and I'm getting nowhere with it. Very well, I'll show you how I feel.
[Mrs. Drysdale sits on Jed's lap]
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Now do you know what I've been talking about.
Jed: I do for a fact. Your plumb shuttin' off the blood to my leg.

Daisy: Quick, hide the bear!
Jed: Granny, you don't quick hide a 500-pound bear.

Daisy: Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!

Elly: Would you take this here fur coat?
Cousin: Your mink? For keeps?
Elly: I sure would appreciate it. It makes my friends in the woods kinda skittish. They reckon I'll be wearing them next.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Well, Mr. Tucker, I'm sure you will agree this is a delightful home and well worth $200,000.
Mr. Tucker: Well, of course that will be up to Mr. Boone.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Where is he, by the way?
Mr. Tucker: He went next door.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh no. Mr. Tucker, I'm going to give you the opportunity to be a big hero in the eyes of your client. Let's say $100,000.
Mr. Tucker: I'm sure Mr. Boone will be pleased to hear that.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Why did he go next door?
Mr. Tucker: To investigate that odor.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh dear! They would have to fertilize their orchids today. Let's say $50,000.
Mr. Tucker: Mr. Boone didn't think it was orchid fertilizer. He thought someone was cooking collard greens and fat back.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: $25,000 and I'll throw in all the furniture!
Mr. Tucker: But, Mrs. Drysdale...
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: 10! Sign here.

Daisy: Jed, you go out there and do your duty to your female cousin. Ask that city fella what he'd rather git, married or buried?
Jed: Now Granny, I don't hold with gittin' folks married unless they's willin'.
Daisy: Pearl's got enough willin' fer both of 'em.

Jed: I'll get that college to make you a doctor if it takes ever cent I got.
Daisy: They offered to make me one. Even give me a test.
Jed: They did?
Daisy: Asked me the craziest durn-fool questions you ever did hear, had me puttin' pegs in holes, lookin' at spilt ink, but I passed it!
Jed: Good fer you.
Daisy: That's what I thought until they put me in that white doctor's coat. The crazy, durn-fool thing had sleeves that tied in the back.
Jed: That makes no sense at all.
Daisy: If Jethro hadn't been there to rip it off of me, I'd still be tryin' to get out of it.

Homer: [waving a $20 bill under Mr. Drysdale's nose] He's coming to. Miss Hathaway always said a twenty would do it.

Daisy: This here is my special Christmas gift pack, chock full of good things to eat.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh, it's simply beautiful! What are these divine-looking morsels?
Daisy: Well up here we have deviled hawk eggs, pickled crow gizzards, possum sausages, candied catfish, and over here we have some larrupin'-good little teensy owl burgers.

Daisy: When the Drysdales come to eat, they wanna see that bird settin' on the table, not at it.

Jed: Mrs. Drysdale sets a great store by bein' a society leader of Beverly Hills. You know she ain't gonna turn down a chance to be Possum Queen.

Daisy: Is Cousin Marcus up at the castle?
Cedric: Well, yes, but you see, he's been laid to rest.
Daisy: Good, just keep him warm. Is the family doctor with him?
Cedric: Madame, the gentleman is dead.
Daisy: Oh, well, us doctors is only mortal.

Daisy: This is a pecan twirl with kumquat icing. On his last birthday, Jethro ate one of these in 2 minutes flat, candles and all... and they was still burnin'!

Jed: I know yer a city feller, but dressin' a hog is a lot different than dressin' a person.
Milburn: You can say that again. It took me half an hour to get his pants on.

Milburn: [about the Boston Strong Girl] She's going to head up my loan collection department.

Jethrine: [from Cousin Pearl's song for the chariot race scene from "Ben Hur"] A mighty long time ago, a couple a thousand year, in a town named Rome, which is fur away from here, a feller named Ben Hur lived and went to school, and that young feller was a chariat-drivin' fool.

Jed: He had to go back to Silver Dollar City. See, with everybody gone, the population dropped down to 24.
Jane: I don't understand.
Jed: Well, he's gotta go back to get it back up to 25, so as the town can qualify for government aid.
Jane: I wish we might have said "au revoir."
Milburn: Two of the most beautiful words in our language.
Jane: Chief, "au revoir" is French.
Milburn: I was talking about "government aid."

Milburn: How are things at the Clampetts?
Mr. Pinckney: Mr. Drysdale, sir, in my 40 years as a butler, I have served in some unique households and run athwart some bizarre families, but the Clampetts, sir, if I may use one of their own curious expressions, take the rag off the bush.
Milburn: Well now, I warned you it wouldn't exactly be smooth sailing.
Mr. Pinckney: To be precise, sir, you said you could only promise me blood, sweat, tears, and money.
Milburn: Right.
Mr. Pinckney: I've had the blood, sweat, and tears, now I should like the money.
Jane: You're leaving the Clampetts?
Mr. Pinckney: I'm leaving the country.
Milburn: But you've got to stay with them, you're our cultural beachhead!
Mr. Pinckney: Consider me another Dunkirk.

Cousin: Jed! them stairs is movin'! We're havin' a Californy earthquake!
Jed: Now Pearl, them stairs is supposed to move like that.
Cousin: What fer?
Jed: I dunno, but that's what they call an "eskylater". Only thing is, last time we was here, they was movin' the other way.

Daisy: I still say we're gonna find her sugar is mostly sand.
Jed: You been grousin' for 3 years cuz Mrs. Drysdale ain't a good neighbor. Now she's tryin' to be one and you're still peckin' at her.
Daisy: Jed, I've heared of sweet milk turnin' sour, but never the other way 'round.

John: You don't celebrate Halloween here in the hills?
Cousin: I never heard of it. What's it like?
John: Well it's an occasion where everyone gets dressed up in their most beautiful clothes.
Cousin: These old things? They're just something I threw together myself.
John: Well they look like they come from Saks.
Cousin: Well they didn't. I made these with store bought yard goods.

Rex: [Granny lifts up the back of Rex's toupee] I think I feel a draft.
Daisy: I don't doubt it. You ever been through a Injun raid?

Elly: Miss Hathaway says it's a Californy sun dress.
Jed: I'd let no son of mine wear it, daughter neither.

Daisy: The Injuns is comin! Get the cars in a circle!

Jane: [Mr. Drysdale grabs a knife] Chief! What are you going to do?
Milburn: I'm going to stab all four of them!
Jane: No!
Milburn: Let go of me! They're not driving back to the hills!
Jane: Chief, come to your senses! You can't use that on the Clampetts!
Milburn: I don't intend to. I'm going to puncture the tires on their truck. They'll have to get some out of a catalogue. It'll take three weeks to get new ones!

Jethro: Hey, watch them horns! I don't want you rippin' my fancy britches. Ow! You stepped on my toe!

Jane: [admiring Jethro] That boy is like a magnificent lighthouse - tall, strong, and sturdy. If only his beacon weren't so dim.

Daisy: I know what yer up to. You're wantin' me to feel sorry for that little feller so's I'll give up the idea of goin' home and stay here and help him.
Jed: That's right. is it workin'?
Daisy: Yeah. Doggone it, it is.

Elly: I'm usin' that hold you showed me Granny, Tennessee Toe Torture.

Jed: [about Johnny Poke] The boy used to lay around the cabin so much, his Ma had to dust him.

Harry: Excuse me, are you going to re-stage this?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I gonna re-stage this?
Elly: Yes J. B.
Commodore: Are you out of your mind?
Jethro: [to Elly May] Am I outta my mind?
Elly: Yes J. B.

Elly: [They forgot to put Granny's jug in the cabin] Well Bessie can fetch it.
Jed: No Elly, I'd best do it. That little monkey gets one taste of Granny's corn, we'll never get her back on bananas.

Jethro: Hey wait, Debbie! You 'n me can still be sweethearts.
Debbie: Get lost, Jerky!
Jethro: It's Bodine now.
Debbie: To me, you'll always be Jerky.

Elizabeth: But I thought you had changed.
Milburn: What gave you that idea?
Elizabeth: Well, you said your whole life flashed before you.
Milburn: It did. I loved it!

Sheldon: [sees Elly May in her swimsuit] Dig the drumsticks on that chick!

Elly: Granny, what's that rope fer?
Daisy: To lasso my whale. He's too big for a hook and line.

Chickadee: Gee, where am I going to find another raccoon that knows how to unfasten a dress?

Jed: Granny, the way he's thumpin' hisself, I think he's got a touch of heartburn.

Daisy: Then what I call my Heavenly Hash, that's grits, chitlins, possum belly, hog jowls, and catfish, all minced together and simmered in gopher gravy, topped with poached hawk eggs.
Jed: Mmm mmm, now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.
John: I'll try.

Milburn: Well you have Miss Hathaway's word. Her Possum Festival is going to be just like the one back home, only bigger and better.
Jed: What do you say, Granny?
Daisy: I say lets go back home to Sibley.
Milburn: Why?
Milburn: Cuz back there, I got a good chance of bein' Possum Queen.
Milburn: You can be Possum Queen right here.
Daisy: Aaah! I can't win an election in Beverly Hills.
Milburn: Oh yes you can. Right Miss Hathaway?

Daisy: Howdy all you folks out there in television land. I'm fixin' to show you how I make Snyder's Surprise Soup. It's named after Snyder's Swamp back home cuz it's made from all the critters who live there. First, you start with a good rich gator stock. I reckon some of you city folks calls it elligator, but back home we don't use the *Elli*.
Elly: Did you call me, Granny.

Daisy: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil.
Jed: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow.
Milburn: But this is Beverly Hills.
Jed: Dirt is dirt.

Jane: Actually you'll find the Clampetts to be basically fine people. All they need is a little polish.
Milburn: Polish? They need sandblasting.

Elly: [Lester is stunned after Gladys calls to tell him that her screen test was a big success] Want me to hang up the phone, Mr. Flatt?... Mr. Flatt?
Earl: See if he answers to Mr. Delovely.

Jane: [inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials] I presume he went to Eaton as a boy?
Jed: If I know Jethro, he went to eatin' the minute he was born.
Jane: Yes of course. I suppose his father matriculated him?
Jed: I kinda think maybe it was his ma.

Daisy: How long you been married, Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Twenty years.
Daisy: Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness.
Milburn: No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.

Jed: When I said that we had come to see Mrs. Drysdale, this woman said Mrs. Drysdale ain't havin' no visitors. So I says, "I reckon she's lonely, I'm glad we come."

Jed: I'm awful sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go. Oh, I'll see to it you get a check for a month's salary.
Maria: Celery, si. Celery, you like?
Jed: Yes ma'am, but
[Maria starts cutting celery]
Jed: Miss Maria, ma'am, I'm just gonna have to come out and say this blunt. You're fired.
Maria: Fire, si.
[turns on the stove]
Maria: I cook good celery.
Jed: I'm afraid what we got here is a failure to communicate. I'll have my nephew talk to you. He claim to speak Italian.
Maria: Arrivederci.
Jed: No, Jethro.
Elly: How did you do, Pa?
Jed: Outside a gettin' some celery to cookin', I done real poor.

John: I think you may have a wrong idea about Beverly Hills.
Jed: Is that where you live?
John: No, my home is in Tulsa.
Jed: Well say, maybe you could get us a place there in your neighborhood.
John: Mr. Clampett, let's not beat around the bush. You will love Beverly Hills.

Jed: Yes sir, good cookin' is just about as important as good lookin'!

Countess: Are you sure the little gypsy woman who makes this tonic lives here in this mansion?
Humphrey: Yes Madame. Her exact words were, "Howdy neighbor, we'ins live yonder" and pointed at this house.

Milburn: What's your idea of romance?
Jane: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Venus and Adonis, Eloise and Avalon.
Milburn: Baloney! I'll bet Clampett and Carrington have got more money than all of them put together.

Daisy: Come on Lightnin'! Faster, faster! There's more tonic when you git home!

Jed: I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands.
Jethro: And come out fightin'.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, I know you been totin' a crushin' burden, but I got good news for you.
Milburn: Good news?
Jed: I'm goin' to take my $80 million outa your bank. Fetch in the wheelbarrow, Granny. Well Doggies! It worked already.
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out on the floor]
Jed: He's sure sleepin' now isn't he?
Daisy: Just like a baby.

Jethro: Hey, wait a minute, Dash. I gotta talk to you.
Dash: Later, Jethro.
Jethro: Can't wait! I gotta talk to you right now!
Elly: Dash, I'll fix you up some donuts.
Dash: You heard her, I gotta get outta here.

Louellen: Is Jethro here?
Daisy: Oh, I was afraid you was gonna ask that. Better come over here and set down, honey, I got some bad news for you.
Louellen: Has something happened to Jethro?
Daisy: Oh no. He's the same as ever. Of course, in a way, I guess that's bad news right there.

Milburn: We are very honored to have you stay with us at our home, your money... your majesty.

John: It's only her majesty's ships that have been sold.
Jed: Oh. Things ain't quite as bad as we thought, but they're hurtin' for money alright. The Queen sold her navy.

Daisy: I'd like to stay and listen to the words of the ceremony. They're so beautiful, they always make me cry.
Jane: Fine. Proceed, Chief.
Milburn: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the joining together of this couple in happy wedlock. As I perform this ceremony, I am struck by the thought that getting married is like opening a joint account at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, where you're savings earn a full five percent and...
Jane: Alright Chief, that will do.
Milburn: But, Granny wants to hear the words. They make her cry.
Daisy: Them don't.

Daisy: You ate the whole thing?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am. Didn't have a lot of flavor, but it was mighty fillin'. I never seen anything soak up so much gravy.

Jethro: Jethro, I think you was right about those golfs bein' birds.
Jethro: I was?
Jed: Yeah, when I come out here, I seen some people take 2 little white eggs outta that hole over yonder.

Jane: Beverly Hills is full of obstetricians.
Jed: Set in their ways, huh?

Jethro: With him bein' Mrs. Drysdale's Pa, if he were to marry Granny, would that make Mrs. Drysdale my Ma?
Jed: 'Course not, boy. Strictly speakin', Granny's not your granny, she's Elly's granny. Your Ma, who is my Cousin Pearl is Elly's great aunt on account of her Ma and my Pa was brother and sister and that makes us first cousins. Now I married Granny's daughter, so Pearl by marriage... that is to say, my Pa... well anyway I think yer a grand nephew.
Jethro: Thank you. I think you're a swell uncle too.

Jane: Carol Bennett's up there.
Milburn: Who's she?
Jane: A new girl, a nightclub singer. It is my opinion that she took a job here only to get a line on your biggest depositors.
Milburn: Jed Clampett!
Jane: Precisely.
Milburn: Well, why did you hire her?
Jane: I didn't.
Milburn: Well, I should have screened her.
Jane: You did.
Milburn: What did I say?
Jane: "Wow"

Elly: Whatch'all lookin' fer?
Jane: Birds.
Elly: Well shucks, you don't need them things
[binoculars]
Elly: . I'll just whistle you one down so as you can see it up close.

Jed: If you wanna know what bait they're bitin' on, ask the fella who's catchin' his limit.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.
Jed: Turn her loose!
Jethro: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.
Granny: Can you?
Janet: No I can't!
Jane: I can Jethro, capture me!

Narda: Stay away. I put curse on you.
Milburn: [points to Mrs. Drysdale] I'm married to her and you're going to put a curse on me?

John: As a matter of fact, I'm wearing a little theatrical makeup. Mrs. Bodine, how would you like some pancake on your face?
Cousin: How'd you like some sweet potato pie on yours?

Jethro: [Granny is trying to cook Mr. Sebastian's giant sea sponge] Hot Dog! Look at the size of that mushroom!

Jethro: Is there any limit on dragons?
John: You are at liberty to slay as many as you can find.

Bob: But sir, you're my idol.
Milburn: Well, you're pretty idle yourself. Now get back to your cage and do some work.

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Justin: We're going to try something new with Daisy. We're going to fly over her with high-altitude air force jets.
Jed: You mean airplane?
Justin: Bombers, the biggest we've got. And we're going to drop silver iodide and dry ice right in her eye!
Jed: Government or no government, I reckon I can't let you do that.

John: Perhaps she'd like to stretch her legs.
Cousin: They're long enough now. Jethrine's awful tall for her age.

Milburn: And did you have to order ham? Don't you realize you violated a religious law by eating ham?
Jane: I am not of that faith.
Milburn: Join it! That stuff's expensive.

Daisy: Here widow, this'll brace you up.
[Granny hands her some moonshine in a teacup]
Mrs. Fenwick: Oh, thank you. Orange Pekoe?
Daisy: No, white lightnin'
Mrs. Fenwick: I'm not familiar with the blend, but tea is tea.

Daisy: Take this down to the truck and don't let nobody know what we're doin'.
Jethro: That'll be easy. I don't know, myself.
Daisy: We're gonna find that Goodbody goomer before he gets on the operatin' table tomorrow.
Jethro: How come we have to keep it a secret?
Daisy: Cause even after seein' what the new miracle drugs like newt eggs and wahoo bark can do, there's still folks that won't accept modern medicine.

Milburn: Speaking of your beautiful sophisticated city wives, how did you happen to meet them?
Earl: We were playin' an engagement in New York City and we held an audition for girl singers.
Lester: Yeah, there musta been three, four hundred girls showed up.
Earl: And Gladys and Louise stood out from the crowd.
Jane: They must have had beautiful voices.
Lester: You know somethin', Earl? We never did find out if they could sing.

Jed: As he gets bigger, he'll get smarter. Of course it does seem the one is happenin' a lot quicker'n the other.

Elly: This here's a lion.
Jed: And you named him after Jethro?
Jethro: Yeah, cuz he's king of the beasts, huh Elly?
Jed: Nah, cuz he eats so much and his feet's so big.

Countess: I may marry again, possibly an American this time.
Humphrey: Begging your pardon, Madame, I don't believe there are any titled Americans.
Countess: Oh, but who cares? I've married a count, a duke, a baron, a marquis, and an earl. This time I want a man with red blood in his veins.

Daisy: We deceived ya. She ain't 14.
Dean: I'll say she ain't.
Daisy: I don't blame you for bein' upset. No man wants a woman that fer over the hill.

Jed: [about Denise] I couldn't understand a word she was sayin', but I sure did like the way she was sayin' 'em.

Patricia: I'm sorry. Mr. Drysdale's wild Hollywood parties are for depositors only.
Jeanne: Pat, where are you going with this darling man? He's coming to the party, isn't he?
Patricia: I'm afraid not, Jeanne.
Jeanne: Oh, that's awful. There are so many of us girls. Why, he'd be practically the only man there. He's so cute too.
Patricia: I'm sorry, but he just doesn't keep his money in our bank.
Shorty: Yes I do! Yes I do! I'm goin' home and get it right now!

Daisy: Tell you what. I'll take a whole sonnet of that Shakespeare.
Chemist: May I suggest some 'Venus and Adonis'?
Daisy: If it's good stuff.
Chemist: Touch but my lips with those fair lips of thine, - Though mine be not so fair, yet are they red - The kiss shall be thine own as well as mine.
Daisy: Why don't you take a walk, Jed?
Jed: What about your duty to Marcus?
Daisy: Who?
Jed: Cousin Marcus, layin' sick in the castle, your patient.
Daisy: Patients I can git, Jed, but at my age, suitors are kinda scarce.

Jed: I got good news fer you. You ain't spendin' your honeymoon in no hotel.
Edythe Brewster: I ain't?
Jed: No, you ain't.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, will you look at this? Ellie made me bullets for your rifle.
Elly: Them is lady fingers!

Cousin: Jethrine, why couldn't you have been born with some of my brains instead of just my beauty?

Jane: Have you decided what you'd like to be, Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I wanna be a spy.
Jane: A spy?
Jed: Whatever gave you that notion?
Jethro: I seen this movie about a spy, ol' Double Naught Seven. This rascal really had hisself some high old time.

Milburn: I'm on your side.
Daisy: Good. That makes three of us.
Milburn: And we'll win! Who's the third one?
Daisy: Jethro.
Milburn: Maybe we'll win anyway.

Jethro: I need a aide.
Daisy: First aid is what you're gonna need.

Jethro: Mr. Drysdale, here's your horse and buggy.
Milburn: Where's the horse?
Jethro: Oh, she give out on the way. Elly and Miss Jane are fetchin' her.
[Miss Jane drives up with Lightning riding in the back seat]

Granny: Is she gittin' a hold of herself, Jed?
Jed: No Granny, so fer it's mostly me.

Jed: [from Jim Owen's book of Hillbilly Humor] "If you're too busy to fish, you're too busy."

Jed: Let's forget about Dub Crick.
Daisy: That suits me fine. Why even that name ain't rightfully his.
Jed: Dub?
Daisy: Got it from a schoolteacher. Somebody asked her if Lafe's boy is smart or dumb and she had a cold when she answered.

Milburn: I would like to say that I know Mr. Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character. And I will vouch for him.
Jane: I, too, know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you.
Jed: Well that's one fer and one against.

Jed: Yonder comes Mrs. Drysdale and she's fetchin a present.
[Mrs. Drysdale arrives with a baby goat]
Jed: Good mornin' Mrs. Drysdale.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Will you please take this animal and keep it here!
Jed: Well thank you very kindly.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: And will you please tell Elly May we have a pet ordinance!
Jed: Oh I'd rather not, she'll be wantin' one.

Granny: You can't get acquainted with these folks out here. I've been tryin' all mornin'. I put on my friendly hat, brung out my rocker and a jug of hard cider, and I've been settin' here wavin' and hollerin' at folks and pointin' to my jug.
Jed: And nobody stopped?
Granny: Only a policeman. That's where my jug went. He took it to the police station.
Jed: I bet you got a bunch of friends down there by now.

Linda: You mean you have a steady girl?
Jethro: Oh no, she's a little shaky,

Jed: Looks like we're in for a real battle.
Daisy: Is they comin'?
Jed: No. I mean keepin' Jethro outta the vittles.

Elly: Yonder's the statue of Daniel Webster.
Jed: He must be a pretty famous fellow, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, heck yeah. There's a whole book wrote about him. It's called a dictionary.

Daisy: Watchin' that boy eat is a hideous sight.
Jed: Well of course you can always look away. It's the noise you can't get away from.

Jed: Miss Jane, mules come to Granny for stubborn lessons.

Jed: You know somethin' Granny, these newspapers that Pearl uses for packin' and wrappin' is just about my favorite part of them packages from home.
Granny: What's new, Jed? Anything excitin'?
Jed: You bet. Look at that headline, "Government Puts 3 Men on Moon".
Granny: No!
Jed: Yep. Says right here, 3 government men have been put on the job of findin' local still and cuttin' off the supply of moon bein' made hereabouts.

Jed: I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar.
Cousin: There ain't no new kind of dollar.
Jed: Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny?
Granny: Million dollars.

[to Jethro]
Granny: And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?

Granny: When I was a girl back in Tennessee, I set so many boys hearts on fire, that they took to callin' that neck of the woods... the Smoky Mountains.

Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Flock Master Hathaway?
Jane: Yes?
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Did I ever tell you that you look remarkably like a condor?
Jane: That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: I can believe that.

Daisy: Elly May's bear is drinkin my moonshine... er, my flu serum.
Jed: Maybe he's got the flu.
Daisy: Well don't just stand there jokin', take it away from him!
Jed: You're the one that's jokin'.

Jane: I cannot permit you to bring it into the country. You should have emptied this jug before you boarded the plane.
Jed: If I'd a emptied that jug, I wouldn't have needed no plane!

Jane: What precipitated the altercation?
Jed: Well uh, huh?
[Jed looks confused]
Milburn: What are they fighting about?
Jed: Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.

Daisy: Jethro will know what them big words means. He's been plumb through the 6th grade.
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All you gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In, compat, able, overt, offense.
Daisy: What does it mean?
Jethro: It means: you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.

Geologist: Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!
Jed: How big a rock did you bean him with?
Elly: No bigger than a hedge apple.

Cholmondeley: And what night this be?
[examining Grannies jug]
Daisy: It might be buttermilk, but I wouldn't light no match to see.
Cholmondeley: Come now , what is this?
Daisy: That's Tennessee tranquilizer, one of my best home-made cures.
Cholmondeley: What does it cure?
Daisy: What do ya got?
Cholmondeley: Madame, I'm afraid my government would not approve of this home-made cure.
Daisy: Mine ain't too happy about it neither.

Miko: Sake, our native wine made from rice. You taste.
Jed: [takes a sip] Hmm, Japanese white lightnin'.

Daisy: That countess didn't fly no 6000 miles for my gravy... I mean my tonic. That woman is lookin' for a husband. Now you git upstairs and mow that stubble off your faced and put on some decent clothes.

Jed: If that's paint on that table, you'd better move and fast.
Jethro: We had to use the table, Uncle Jed. This pointer needs a flat smooth surface.
Jed: When Granny sees that paint, she'll put that kind of finish on the seat of your pants.

Jane: Mr. Clampett, your neighbors in this lovely and exclusive section would never accept such action. They would originate petitions. They would bring legal proceedings. They would take every means to protest vigorously and vociferously.
Jed: You mean it'd get 'em riled?
Jane: Exactly.

Jed: Why is he hidin'?
Daisy: He thinks that little girl from Louisiana is still here waitin' to marry him.
Jed: Well why don't you leave him a note and tell him she's gone?
Daisy: All right Jed. I'll do that, but I can still use a few more days of peace and quiet. I'll leave the note next Monday.
Jed: Granny... make it Tuesday.

Jed: What's all the ruckus, Granny? Who was that?
Daisy: Dad-blamed revenooer!

Sheriff: Sorry about the delay, your honor, but the bear got loose and treed your wife.
Judge: Was that Phoebe he chased up a tree?
Sheriff: Yes, your honor, and I'm afraid she's still up there.
Judge: [to Mr. Drysdale] How much you want for that bear?

Daisy: Now you run along and get into some clothes.
Elly: Yes'm Granny. See you later Mr. Farquhar?
Lowell: Definitely.
Daisy: Back home in the hills, if a man was to see a girl dressed like that, he'd have to marry her.
Lowell: That's a fine custom.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Did I hear you say there's going to be a wild Hollywood party at Mr. Drysdale's bank?
Shorty: Yes mum. A regular orgy.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: That interests me.
Shorty: I'm sorry, I can't invite you. But you see, it's Mr. Drysdale's party and he kinda likes his women, um, young and flashy, like them two in the car, a couple of dandies. The bank is just crawlin' with fillies like that.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I find this absolutely fascinating.
Shorty: Don't get yer hopes up, but I'll put in a word for ya. What's yer name?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Mrs. Drysdale!
Shorty: Forget it. He wouldn't want his mother there.

Milburn: Phone down, have them lock the outside doors.
Jane: But it isn't closing time.
Milburn: It will be if the Clampetts withdraw their money.

Jed: He's committed murder?
Jane: Not yet, but I'm afraid he will when he gets back to the bank.

Daisy: I'm goin' back home to the hills, where men is men and fish is fish, and they stays that way.

Milburn: I've got to stop them.
Jane: How?
Milburn: The engineer will stop if he sees a body lying across the tracks.
Jane: Chief, no, it's too dangerous!
Milburn: Don't be silly. I'll be standing there waving my hat and pointing to you.

Jed: i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason.
Daisy: I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done?
Jed: Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man.
Jed: There's the best reason of all.

Jethro: Shucks, when it comes to lovin', I'm greener than a gourd.
Milburn: But when your Uncle Jed said that, you replied, "That's what you think."
Jethro: Yessir, that's what I think too.

Milburn: I wanted to explain about this priceless chandelier. It was designed and made for Louis XV, hung in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns by the light of that chandelier. Talleyrand used it, Wellington, Disraeli, Bismarck, Wilson
Jed: Mr. Drysdale, we're just plain folk. We don't mind a few things being second hand.

Police: Jethro, me boy, oh will you look at that face. He's got the map of Ireland all over it.
Daisy: I thought I told you to wash.

Janet: Miss Hathaway, there's a raccoon in your office!
Jane: No no no, Janet, don't panic. You've seen a raccoon before.
Janet: Not like this one. It keeps trying to undress me.

Jane: Why, that gorilla in the zoo has the strength of 12 full-grown men.
Jed: Wellll doggies! He'd be handy to have around, wouldn't he, Granny?

Buddy: Tell me something, old timer. Do you smoke crawdads?
Jed: I have.
Buddy: How about you?
Jane: No, not I.
Buddy: I'm glad you're driving.

Milburn: If anything happens to your plan A, I'll be ready with my Plan B.
Jane: What's that?
Milburn: You're both fired.

Granny: How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?
Lowell: [looking slightly nauseated] I'm really not hungry.

Jed: Wee Doggie!

Jethro: Granny says that all the men folks gotta stay outta the house while Elly May's takin' her bath.
Jane: But isn't Elly May bathing in the privacy of her own bedroom suite?
Jed: [to Jethro] Hear what she call you? Sweet.

Lester: If Granny could just learn 'em to cook, we got ourself a couple of cracker-jack wives.
Earl: That's the truth. You cain't beat a woman that looks city and cooks country.

Jed: Kind of sorry I showed Granny Mrs. Drysdale's tomato. Sure put grit in her gizzard.

Daisy: Granny, why don't you tell Sam Drucker the truth?
Jed: I aim to, Jed.
Daisy: Good.
Jed: Just as soon as I'm Mrs. Sam Drucker, I'll confess everything.

Jed: Granny, when you got as many young'uns as the Fettys, you don't need too big a reason for gettin' shed of one.
Daisy: They sure had a housefull, didn't they?
Jed: They did for a fact. You throwed a roack on that roof, it looked like school was lettin' out.

Daisy: I been eatin' fish for 70 years and they could be carryin' a mighty strong grudge.

Jed: Well Granny, if it'll ease your mind, why don't you go down there and see for yourself what's goin' on.
Daisy: I cain't. The young'uns bugged out with the wheels, I mean left in the truck. Doggone it! Now they got me talkin' that nonsense.

Jethro: And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken. Only thing is it don't sound like a chicken. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise.
Jed: [Jed finds a croquet ball and picks it up to examine it] I reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too if you was to lay a egg like that.

Jethro: My lips are sealed.
Jed: Only time your lips are sealed is when you got a mouthful of soup.

Gladys: Jethro and I have found one common interest - food. He tells me he likes grits. I do know how to cook them.
Daisy: You do, huh? Alright, lets see you cook up some grits for Jethro.
[puts a large pot on the stove]
Gladys: Oh, I don't need a pan that big.
Daisy: That ain't the pan, it's the ladle.

Jed: No offense, ma'am, but you're kinda hard to understand. Whereabouts are you from?
Mlle. Denise: Je ne vous comprend pas.
[I do not understand you]
Jed: Oh well, I bet you it's a nice place.

Elly: [Elly has Jethro in a toe hold] Say it! Say it!
Jethro: You're a knight. You're a knight.
Elly: Say the rest of it. What are you?
Jethro: I'm a damsel.

Milburn: Twenty years ago on this date, I took over the presidency of the Commerce Bank. So I declared a bank holiday and all the employees have the day off.
Jed: But the bank ain't even open today. It's Saturday.
Milburn: Yes. What a shame it falls on the weekend.

Daisy: Elly May Clampett, did you drag home another pussy cat?
Elly: No, this here's a special one. I been helpin' the critter doctor over to the zoo, and he let me bring this here one home cuz his ma was bein' mean to it.
Daisy: Husky little critter. Oughta be a good mouse catcher when he gets growed.
Elly: We can't keep him that long. Why the critter doctor says he gets to be 8 or 10 feet long. He's a lion.
Daisy: He sure is. Even a bobcat don't get that big.

Jed: [Colonel Dumbarton is playing "Turkey in the Straw" on the bagpipes] I wonder how he know that tune.
Daisy: It's the tonic, Jed.

Jed: [while asking about Beverly Hills] Is 'Tom Mix there?
John: No, I'm afraid Tom Mix is dead.
Jed: Oh yeah, what's the matter with me. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.

Mr. Pinckney: Where are my quarters?
Jethro: Forget it. Granny says no tippin'.

Shorty: Congratulate me, Jethro. I'm marryin' into your family.
Jethro: Is that true, Uncle Jed?
Jed: It sure is. Shorty put it on paper and slipped it under his lady love's door. Congratulations Shorty, Granny's gonna make you a dandy wife.
Shorty: D-D-Did he say G-G-Granny?
Jethro: That's what he said.
Shorty: Oh Lordy! I slipped it under the wrong d-d-do, I blew it.

Milburn: Are you kidding? He has a bank north of Moose Jaw!

Daisy: Stop in yer tracks while you're able to make 'em. Now you turn around. Walk towards our house.
Ravenswood: I refuse to take one step.
Daisy: [Granny fires a shot] You wanna walk or you wanna limp?

Jethro: Hey Elly, get away from that bull!
Elly: Ain't he cute, Jethro. I'm gonna call him Marvin.

Jed: Now don't get riled up at Pearl. I reckon she's just tryin' to be helpful.
Daisy: She's about as helpful as a alligator in a swimmin' hole.

Harry: And the boy, he's a regular Einstein!
John: Greater! Greater! He invented a new system of mathematics. Why, two and two come out five for him.

Jethro: I'm in love.
Jed: Who with?
Jethro: Purt near every girl I see.

Jethro: [Jed just lit two matches with one bullet] The bullet bounced off the wall and got 'em both. What do we shoot at now, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Well, let's smear a dab of sorghum on the wall and commence to pickin' off flies.

Spaceman #1,181963: Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Daisy: I ain't got no grassy. You'll eat grits and like it!

Dick: Don't you know what this place is?
Motorcycle: It looks like a private home.
Dick: It's a private home alright... with rubber rooms.
Motorcycle: What?
Dick: It's sort of a very exclusive Freud Factory.

Narda: I am Queen of Zagraks.
Milburn: I am King of Greenbacks.

Elly: This here little feller is what you call a jaguar.
Granny: Where'd he come from?
Elly: Critter doctor over to the zoo said he comes all the way from South America.
Granny: Down Louisiana way. Nice country.

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Daisy: Took Mr. Drysdale to work.
Jed: How did he like the buggy ride?
Daisy: Jed, he plumb loved it. When we pulled up in front of the bank, he didn't want to get out.
Jed: He didn't, huh?
Daisy: I had to pry his hands loose. He was hangin' on so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Jed: Jethro went to eatin' right off. Since he was 3 months old, he sat at the table and matched the grown-ups jowl for jowl.

Daisy: Jethro's gone over to their side.
Milburn: Things are starting to look up.

Jed: How are you boys?
Lester: Good to see you, Jed.
Earl: Just dandy. How are you?
Jed: Oh, twixt grass and hay.

Jethro: I'da made it too if I hadn't run into that doggone ol' shark.
Jed: Shark? I hear they bites pretty vicious.
Jethro: Oh, he got in the first lick. Then I grabbed that rascal and chomped him more ways than trout lays in a barrel.

Daisy: I'm the only one with the gumption to hold a grudge! It's a sorry thing when a poor old, stove-up, wore-out, gray-haired old Granny has to do all the grudge holdin' in the family.

Daisy: I'm in some crazy town called Las Vegas. This place makes Saturday night in Bugtussle look like Sunday mornin' in Sibley.

Milburn: I don't care who he is, I still don't like it.
Jane: He is reputed to earn over a million dollars a year.
Milburn: A million a year?
Jane: Yes.
Milburn: I'm beginning to like it.

Jane: I can wend my way through the forest to the shores of Table Rock Lake and there I hope to find a family of herons.
Daisy: Well, give em our best.
Jed: Was that the Luke Heron?
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no. The heron I'm looking for stands in the water on his long skinny legs and gobbles up crawdads and frogs in his enormous mouth.
Jed: Well if that ain't Luke Heron, it's his twin brother.

Jason: Pretty fast are you?
Milburn: Well, my secretary constantly compares me with the fastest of all animals.
Jason: The cheetah?
Milburn: That's what she calls me.

Jethro: Please don't cry, Miss Jane. Your biscuits are better'n mine. Leastwise they's softer. And your gravy smells just scrumptious.
Jane: The gravy is good?
Jethro: Well I betcha it would be if I could get it outta the bowl. It sure did set up fast.

Milburn: This lady's a friend of yours from back in the hills?
Jed: Oh no, her friends wasn't backwoods cornhuskers like us. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh well, maybe there is a chance. Now wait a minute, you're not talking about Bug Tussle are you?
Jed: No. Bug Tussle's a town. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh good! What city?
Jed: Turkey Shoot.

Radio: Mr. Clampett, you're on the radio.
Jed: Oh, I'm sorry.
[Jed stands up]
Jed: I thought it was just a pile of lumber.

Milburn: You've been completely exonerated.
Jed: Well, we was at first, but we's cooled off now.

Elly: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.
Daisy: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?
Jed: Pitiful
Jethro: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!
Jed: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.
Daisy: What was it he called that big crawdad?
Elly: That was Lobster Thermidor.
Jethro: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Daisy: Remember what Williams Jennings Bryan said, "Fight hard, but fight clean."
Jethro: Well you ain't fightin' clean, Granny.
Daisy: 'Course I ain't! Williams Jennings Bryan was a loser!

Helen: We demand women's liberation.
Milburn: Okay, you're liberated. You can have your next meeting at the unemployment office.

Johnny: [Johnny has to write a letter to his ma] Honey, I don't write so good.
Elly: I'll write it fer you. Tell me what to say.
Johnny: [Johnny stands behind Elly May and smells her hair] Oh baby!
Elly: To your ma?

Jethro: How do I love thee, let me cypher the ways.

Daisy: That's "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" wasn't it, boys?
Lester: That's what we call it in the evening, Granny, but if we play it before noon, it's called "Louise and Gladys Wake Up"
Earl: Yeah, it's the only way we can get our wives outta bed in the mornin'.

Jed: Funny thing, all he keeps askin' about is his wheels. Don't care shucks about the rest of the car.

Jed: [watching a film of a rocket launch for a weather satellite] I ain't seen nothing like that since the time your still blew up.

Elly: You reckon there's fellas in Hooterville?
Jed: If there ain't, there will be. How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they seen you?

Mr. Landman: I guess back in the hills where you come from, I'd be a tax collector.
Jed: Back in the hills, you'd be a lot younger.
Mr. Landman: Oh, ws the climate that healthy?
Jed: Naw, just you wouldn't have lived to get this old.

Jed: Well, they say, "Everything has got its price."
Shad: Jed, the only way Shorty can get that hotel back is to marry Elverna.
Jed: Mighty high price.

Jed: She looks sadder'n a hog in a dried-up mud hole.

Daisy: I'm goin' down to the lake to smoke some crawdads.
police: Some what?
Daisy: Crawdads. But first I'll need a little pot.

Daisy: Now I'll never git my whale.
Jed: Count yer blessin's, Granny. You got the greatest fish story ever told.
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Jed: You're the first fisherman that was ever throwed back by the fish.

Milburn: The Clampetts think you're a real gorilla.
Herbie the Gorilla : Oh, you're gonna think so too unless you give me my dough.
Milburn: Oh no no. No no. We made a deal. And you're a professional actor.
Herbie the Gorilla : And I'm also a wood chopper, and a nursemaid to a chimp, and as soon as I get finished ironing these flour-sack drawers, that big goon, Jethro's gonna hook me up to a plow.

Daisy: It's the dream of every woman in the hills to be the First Lady of Bug Tussle.

Police: I could tell by the look of you, you come from the old sod.
Jed: Old and rocky. We had a devil of a time tryin' to farm there.
Police: Farming people are you?
Jed: We tried, but that land was so poor, you could hardly raise a fuss on it

Daisy: You heared me mister. Now you git goin' and git goin' fast.
Mr. Landman: Madame, I don't think you understand. I'm from the Internal Revenue Service. That's a department of the...
[Granny fires her shotgun]
Daisy: Hop in that puddle-jumper and cut mud outta here.
Mr. Landman: But I only want to talk about Mr. Clampett's return.
Daisy: He ain't gone nowhere.

Jane: [reading the menu at the Happy Gizzard] Southern Fried Muskrat, Stuffed Groundhog, Corned Beaver and Cabbage

Milburn: Okay, take a memo.
Jane: Ready.
Milburn: I, Jane Hathaway, do hereby confess...

Jed: Granny wanted me to make sure that the first song you taught Jethro was "Redneck Romance".
The: I play the music of only the immortal composers.
Jed: Then you ought to know this one. It was wrote by Stumpy Peckinpah.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, you get into your good duds and git over there and buy that cake that Elly May baked!
Jed: I don't want that thing.
Daisy: That ain't the idea. You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Well, I reckon there's only one thing for me to do. I gotta mix up a batch of ceement and smooth out that mess.

Daisy: You should have seen the two of them cuttin' didos on the dance floor last night.
Jethro: They stomped up a storm, huh Granny?
Daisy: They were bouncin' around like a couple of chickens in high rye!

Wilkins: At present, he's on a diet of Swiss yogurt. We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
Jed: Jethro, get out yer rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
Jethro: Okay, Uncle Jed. Oh, and I'll take little Deusey along to make sure I shoot the right kind.

Daisy: You get yer certificate-hoggin' hands off a me, Doctor Clampett.

Elly: I sure don't wanna marry up with no man that I can whup.

Jed: Whatcha doin'. boy?
Jethro: Learnin' this ol' hound dog to fetch sticks.
Jed: Seems to me you been at that about 10 years now.
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon he's just too dumb.
Jed: He's just too smart.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: What do Duke want with sticks? He ain't no beaver.
Jethro: But other dogs fetch sticks.
Jed: That's their problem. Duke's got you to do it fer him.

Daisy: What about that bear?
Elly: Well, Granny, if he's kin to Daniel Boone, he won't be scared of no bear.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Have you guessed what it is I've been trying to tell you?
Jed: No Ma'am.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Can't you tell just by looking at me?
Jed: 'Fraid not.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Then I must tell you. This burden is more than I can carry alone. It weighs too heavily on me. I can hide it no longer. I'm infatuated.
Jed: Well shucks Ma'am. If that's all that's been botherin' you, ferget it. You're just pleasingly plump.

Elly: Boy that College of Judo and Karate ain't worth a hoot.
Daisy: Why? What happened?
Elly: Well I went in this big room with a real thick rug on the floor and the teacher come out wearing his pajammers.
Daisy: His pajammers?
Elly: Yeah, and when I told him I wanted to enroll, why he got madder than a rattlesnake with a sore tooth.
Daisy: What'd he get mad about?
Elly: Well I don't know. He musta got outta the wrong side of the bed. Anyway, he commenced shoutin' and choppin' away at me. Why he even tried to trip me.
Daisy: Land sakes. What did you do?
Elly: I give him what fer, bounced him around that rug like a basketball.
Daisy: Good for you, darling.
Elly: I didn't stop thowin' him 'til he offered to gradiate me.
Daisy: Did he gradiate you?
Elly: Yeah, but he didn't give me no cap and gown. All I got was this skinny old black belt.
Daisy: Wait'll I tell your Pa. That college is gonna be short one ornery professor.

Cousin: How do you feel, Granny? Did you sleep off the soup? I mean did the soup help you to sleep?

Countess: My last husband was an earl.
Jed: Oh, well I got a cousin that pretty near married Earl.
Countess: Really?
Jed: Yeah, Earl Scruggs, you know him?

Bill: Now coming into view on your left is the tennis court which Mr. Clampett converted into a stock pen and filled with cows and goats and chickens.

Daisy: She's from one of those fur'n nations.
Jed: Which one?
Daisy: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.

Jed: Take Mrs. Drysdale, for a time there she was treatin' us like polecats at a picnic.

Jethro: [repeated line; to Miss Jane] Sure, darlin'.

Jed: Granny, are you fixin' to tell me somethin'?
Daisy: Not while you got that ax in your hand I ain't.

Daisy: That's a scarecrow you're settin' on you stupid crow. Scare! Is he one of yours?
Elly: No ma'am. Can I have him?

Jed: I didn't know you had a flu serum.
Daisy: Course. I just run off a batch last friday.
Jed: Are you talkin about your corn squeezins?
Daisy: I'm talkin about the greatest all-purpose miracle medicine ever developed, Possum Ridge Penicillin.

Daisy: Aaaaaaaa! He's eatin' my letter! Come back here! Spit it out, you hairy varmint!

Jed: We is all mighty proud of Jethro. He's the only one in the family that ever made it clean through school.
Jane: Mr. Clampett, Jethro's graduating from the 6th grade, isn't he?
Jed: That's right.
Jane: Then he has to go through at least six more grades.
Jed: Six more?
Jane: Yes.
Jed: Another 12 years.

Jane: [Jethro is depressed because the new neighbor doesn't have a pretty maid] Jethro, if you're lonesome for feminine companionship, come to my place this evening.
Jethro: Do you have a pretty maid?

Jed: Tell me, is the bank missin' any girls? I mean, Jethro might have toted one off.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: What's the use of trying to talk to you people? You're illiterate cretins!
Daisy: Was that good or bad?
Jethro: Hard to tell. It could go either way.

Cousin: Trouble is we don't know no doctors.
Elly: Well, I know the critter doctor over to the zoo.
Cousin: Jethro's a human being, Elly May.
Jethro: Thank you, Ma.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: If Claude turns into a delinquent and starts roaming the streets with unregistered breeds, it will be your fault!
Milburn: I don't care if he goes to the park and mugs pigeons!

Jethro: This belongs to a feller by the name of El Magnifico. He's been fightin' bulls for 10 years.
Jed: If he don't like 'em, why don't he stay outta the pasture?
Jethro: He don't fight 'em for spite, he fights 'em for money.
Jed: He gets paid?
Jethro: Yeah, thousands of dollars.
Jed: For fightin' bulls?
Jethro: Yeah.
Jed: Boy, somebody's been greenin' you.

Daisy: You got a boyfriend, honey?
Athena: I find my school studies and bird watching activities infinitely stimulating, allowing little time for the superficial pastime of adolescent dating.
Daisy: [to Jed] Did that mean that she's fer it or agin it?

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: [Mrs. Drysdale is learning how to make lye soap] I've lost my coiffure, my mascara, and my manicure.
Daisy: Well best forget about 'em, honey. If they fell in that soap, they is dissolved by now.

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Jed: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?
Cousin: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?
Jed: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

The: Where are those sniveling cowards from Tennessee?
Daisy: There ain't no such thing as a snivelin' coward from Tennessee!

[first lines]
Jed: Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought.
Narrator: House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how the whole thing started.

Jethro: Wait till my real crystal ball gets here. I'll show you I can predict things, you dumb ol' turkey brain.
Elly: I predict somethin' right now. You're gonna get hit so hard, you're gonna have a 6-foot neck.

Jane: Robert, dear Robert, you're easy to love/ Strength of an eagle, heart of a dove/ Trembling, I wait, the bird of your quest/ Hoping that soon, we'll feather our nest.

Daisy: That hawg's hind leg is gonna send me to my grave a famous woman. For years, they'll be talkin' about the Daisy Moses Memorial Ham.

Jed: Do spies eat as good as soldiers and sailors?
Jethro: Well gee, I dunno. This movie didn't have much eatin' in it, mostly fightin' and lovin'.
Jed: Well you can't keep that up for long without eatin' somethin'.

Daisy: He's got so much book learnin' in his head now, there's no room left in it for any sense.
Jed: But this is a military school. A little taste of army life ain't gonna hurt him.
Daisy: That boy never took a Little taste of nuthin'.

Daisy: [to Jed] It ain't what you got, it's what you ain't got, that's ailing you.
Jed: Well, what is it we ain't got?
Daisy: I could tell you in three words: fe-male company.

Buzzie: He can't throw anything that isn't smeared with possum fat.
Leo: Look Buzzy, maybe we can get the commissioner to legalize the Possum ball.

Elly: [Jethro and Elly are fixing Leroy's car] Trouble must be in that thing up front.
Jethro: That's the engine, you dumb girl.
Elly: You better watch out who you callin' dumb. I'm *smart*!
Jethro: You're about as smart as *that* monkey.
Elly: Well, that's better.

Milburn: The army will take care of that. They'll train him, outfit him, give him three square meals a day. They'll turn him into a real fighting man.
Jed: They sure will if they cut him down to three meals a day.

Daisy: That cake that Elly baked, they're usin' it for a millstone.
Shorty: No.
Daisy: Yeah, Eck Bozeman is grindin' corn with it.

Jed: Miss Jane, that was a dandy speech, but I'm afraid that I didn't cut a whole lot of meat out of it neither. I suppose you understood it, Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Not a word.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: Oh, I'm kidding. But I can boil her ten-minute oration down to one simple statement. You'll be paying less money to the government.

Jed: If Mr. Drysdale's been doin' the cookin' for Jethro and Elly's bear, he ain't had much time for bankin'.

Jane: Chief, you're a banker, not a matchmaker. Aren't you meddling where you don't belong?
Milburn: Any place where there's a hundred million dollars floating around, I belong.

Elly: [Elly May shows Jed Duke's new poodle friend] I named her cotton patch, 'cause her hair grows in clumps.
Jed: I reckon it was clipped that way, Elly May, but the fella that done it musta had the clippers in one hand and a jug in the other. He missed the biggest part of her.
Elly: Old Duke sure has took a fancy to her. He dug up four of his best bones and give them to her.
Jed: She done a lot for Duke too. Before she come along, Duke was feelin' lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut, but lookit him now.

Daisy: Lots of folk outfitted their boys during the great war. That was the war twixt the North and the South, the Yellow and the Gray. The Gray really won, you know,

Jed: Mark's fixin' to leave.
Daisy: He can't leave, with Elly in that condition.
Jed: What condition?
Daisy: Single.

Jed: Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic.
Countess: You know, I think I'm in love with you.
Jed: Never mind Granny, she's had enough.

Daisy: Jed, how come Jake and Dora didn't write us their daughter was comin' to Californy?
Jed: Could be cuz they can't write.

Daisy: Shoot us!
Jed: What?
Daisy: Don't leave us to the mercy of them red devils!
Jed: Drive on, boy.
Jethro: Ain't we gonna shoot 'em?
Jed: Drive on, boy!

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: Now then, How do you gentlemen like your tea?
Jethro: We don't know Ma'am. We ain't tasted it yet.

Milburn: Wait till he reads that exciting episode where Money Man is locked in mortal combat with his arch foe, Tax Man.
Jane: Chief, Jethro has a 6th grade education. He won't read these, he's too intelligent.

Colonel: Jethro,fortunately we take into consideration the amount of formal education a boy has had, and we grade on the curve, so you are eligible to join.
Jethro: Hey, that's swell!
Colonel: However, before I administer the oath, there are a couple of things I'd like to discuss with you.
Jethro: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Now, let's take your application, you're going to be filling out a lot of other forms and I want to give you a tip.
Jethro: Thank ya!
Colonel: Name, address, date of birth, that's okay, but Jethro, where it says sex: write 'male', not 'oh, boy!'
Jethro: [Embarrassed] I'm sorry.

Milburn: [finds out that Mr. Sebastian is on a diet] Take this caviar back to the store and get my hundred bucks.
Jane: But the can's been opened.
Milburn: Solder it up.

Shifty: You haven't changed since the day I married you. You're still the same girl. Deceitful, crooked, sensational pickpocket, fabulous shoplifter, you drive a great getaway car. What more could a man ask for in a wife?

Mr. Fleming Pendleton: 4 tin cans from Pearl?
John: 4 destroyers from Pearl Harbor.

Jed: Pearl, go on ahead. Women and children first. That's the rule.
Cousin: That's the rule for fire, flood, and deesaster.
Jed: [in a low voice] Well it seems to me Granny's tonic oughta fit in there somewheres.
Daisy: I heared what you said, Jed Clampett, and just for that, when it comes your turn, you're gonna get a double dose.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I should have listened to Mother. She warned me against marrying a common bank president.

Cousin: [Granny and Pearl, making sure that Jed can overhear them] Hey Granny?
Daisy: Yeah, Pearl.
Cousin: If you had a beau drivin' up in a fancy car and a huggin' and a kissin' you, uh, wouldn't you want your kinfolk to meet that beau?
Daisy: I sure would, Pearl, especially if I was givin' that beau expensive presents.
Cousin: You mean like a diamond choker?
Daisy: That's what I mean.
Cousin: You know, I hear tell that French women is real fond of jewelry.
Jed: If you two are tryin' to make somethin' outa what just happened outside, you can leave off before you git started. All I was doin' was returnin' that lady's dog and that diamond choker was the dog's collar.
Cousin: Say Granny?
Daisy: Yeah Pearl.
Cousin: What do you reckon that red stuff was smeared on Jed's cheeks.
Daisy: I reckon he cut hisself returnin' that dawg.
Cousin: Either that or his lady friend scratched herself on his whiskers when she kissed him.

Jethro: This is goodbye, Uncle Jed,
Jed: Goodbye, boy.
Jethro: We won't meet again 'til you see me on the other side.
Jed: Other side of what?
Jethro: The table. I'll be home for supper.

Daisy: You ain't got the look of a mountain man.
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Well no, its not my native habitat. I'm just living there to be near my friends, the condors.
Daisy: They live in the mountains do they?
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Oh yes. That's the only place they're happy.
Daisy: I know just how they feel.

Daisy: Oh please, Jed, let me throw an uppercut to one of her chins.

Elly: Why yonder's Henry.
[whistles]
Elly: Come on down, Henry, come on down.
[a bird lands on Elly's hand]
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Remarkable! She has tamed a Cyanocitta stelleri.
Elly: Well this is a blue jay.
Jane: Same thing, Elly. He's a member of the Corvidae family.
Elly: No Ma'am, he's a Clampett.

Jason: I feel it only fair to warn you that I used to run cross-country for Pennsylvania Teachers.
Daisy: Oh, a woman chaser, huh?

Milburn: Where will you find another man like me to work for?
Jane: It won't be easy. Most of them are behind bars.

Maria: Possum Pizzaiola, Fatback Cacciatore, Collard Greens Parmigiana

Jed: You know the Sibley sodbuster do you?
Phyllis: Oh no, but I'll learn, and I'm going to show you a few things along the way.
[dances suggestively around Jed]
Jed: Dogged if that ain't got the Sibley sodbuster backed right off the floor.

Daisy: There's no two ways about it. That child is gonna need help to trap that Sonny Drysdale.
Jed: Elly May don't need to trap no man to git him.
Daisy: Every man that ever got git was git that way.
Jed: Not me, we just happened to stop under a shady elm tree and I proposed to your daughter on the spur of the moment.
Daisy: That spur of the moment of yours took us six months schemin' and plannin'. Why we even trained that ole mare of yours to stop under that shady ole elm tree.

Daisy: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back.
Daisy: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: [Mr. Drysdale tries to drag Mrs. Drysdale back to the car by her fox stole] Let go, you beast!
Jethro: [Jethro thinks a fox is attacking her and grabs a shotgun] Step aside lady, I'll shoot it.
[Mrs. Drysdale turns and sees Jethro, screams and throws her hand up. The fox stole flies up in the air and Jethro blasts it]

Jethro: I'm gonna have me a double helpin' of them steamed saunas. I'm hungry.

Banzai: I promise anything to get Miko back. She is beautiful cherry blossom on the tree of my life. She is lovely butterfly in the garden of my heart. My house is sad without Miko.
[Elly May enters disguised as a geisha]
Banzai: Forget Miko! Who this?

Daisy: That girl is so sweet that when she squeezes lemons, you don't need sugar.

Daisy: [Granny is looking for Jethro] Probably took off for town for more girl watchin'.
Jed: Granny, Jethro has done hired hisself out.
Daisy: You mean he gets paid for watchin' girls?

Daisy: That wild young'un. I'm so dadburn mad I could bite nails.
Jed: Granny, I reckon you forgot how it feels to be in love.
Daisy: Why do you suppose I'm so dadburn mad?

Jed: Well I'll be doggone, a boat in a bottle.
Milburn: Yes, you see Mr. Clampett, I've been giving a lot of thought to your problem of keeping busy. Now a friend of mine had the same problem. He solved it by building this boat.
Jed: How did he get it in there?
Milburn: He built it in there, It took 3 years.
Jed: He coulda built it a lot quicker outside the bottle.
Milburn: Yes, he wanted to build it in there.
Jed: Why?
Milburn: It's his hobby.
Jed: How's he gonna get it out?
Milburn: He doesn't want to get it out.
Jed: How's he gonna sail it?
Milburn: He won't. It's just to look at.
Jed: Be easier to look at outside the bottle, wouldn't it?
Milburn: Yes but...
Jed: Seems to me he wasted a boat and a bottle.
Milburn: But think of all the absorbing hours he spent.
Jed: Yeah, he wasted them too.

Jed: It's a mite too raw for drinkin' now, Miss Countess. That tonic ain't nothin' to fool with when it's green.
Countess: Really?
Jed: Yes Ma'am. I remember when Granny used to make it in a hollow stump. After she drawed it off, many a time I seen that ol' stump get up and go off through the woods lookin' for bear.

Elly: Say, Granny, how long ago was this here spinnin' wheel made?
Granny: Oh, that's got to be at least 150 years old.
Elly: What did you use before you got this?

Cousin: I'll have vittles a-cookin' before you can say Jack Robinson.
Daisy: Jack Robinson. You stay outta my kitchen.
Cousin: I believe that kitchen belongs to my cousin Jed.
Daisy: Well I's a granny and grannies is closer than cousins.
Cousin: Not when the granny's on the wife's side. I've got Clampett blood in my veins.
Daisy: You wanna keep it there, you stay outta my kitchen.

Mr. Mortimer: Happy Valley is in a beautiful pastoral setting.
Jed: Oh, good, good.
[to Elly May and Jethro]
Jed: It's pasture land

Jethro: When Granny says somethin's gonna happen, it happens.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Sounds like she has remarkable powers.
Jethro: Strongest little woman you ever did see.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: I meant clairvoyant powers. Would you say she's a medium?
Jethro: No sir. I'd say she's a small. She's strong as a medium and if she ever took a switch to you, you'd know it.
Dr. Eugene Twombly: Has she ever taken a switch to you?
Jethro: She sure has, whoo-oo!
Dr. Eugene Twombly: And you stood for it?
Jethro: Last time, I stood for purt near two days.

Mrs. Vanderpont: But this isn't Boeuf Bourguignon and Pomme au Gratin, it's...
Milburn: Grits and hog jowls.

Jane: Chief, you'll never guess who's in my office!
Milburn: Rex Goodbody.
Jane: Rex Goodbody. How did you know?
Milburn: He told me he was coming by.
Jane: But why should he come here?
Milburn: Well, he might want to meet the most important and knowledgeable banker in Beverly Hills, or on the other hand, it could be the fifty dollars I offered him.
Jane: You offered him fifty dollars just to stop by? What's he bringing, the keys to Fort Knox?
Milburn: I did it so a fan of his could get to meet him.
Jane: Oh chief, how sweet of you, but you didn't have to do that for me.
Milburn: I know, but I did have to do it for Granny.

Elly: Oh, they's fixin' to shoot my gorilla!
Jethro: They is just tranquilizer guns to calm him down.
Jed: Can we get 'em to take a shot at Granny?

Jed: [Greeting Mrs. Drysdale who has shown up unexpectedly] Well, howdy there, Mrs. Drysdale, sure is a nice surprise to have you come visit. Pearl and me were just talking about you this morning. Pearl's got a hankering to getting into society, and I said, well I hear tell when it comes to society, Mrs. Drysdale is one of the first hogs to the trough!

Jethro: Where we goin', Granny?
Daisy: To that greedy college.
Jethro: I think it's Greely.
Daisy: I think it's greedy... and as long as it is, I'm gonna buy me one of them half-hour doctor certificates.
Jethro: Hey Granny, how about buyin' me one to be a brain surgeon?
Daisy: I'll price it.

Jane: Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit.
Milburn: What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!

Milburn: I just heard about Elly cooking. Miss Hathaway should have told you to take your meals out.
Jed: Well, I have been takin' em out and um buryin' 'em.

Jethro: As long as your workin' on the shoes, would you mind hollowin' out the heel so I can put a little radio in it?
Jed: A radio in the heel of your shoe?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's where Double Naught Seven carries his.
Jed: That seems like a mighty unhandy place to carry it. Why don't he just carry it in his pocket?
Jethro: Well he... I can't tell you that.
Jed: Secret, huh?
Jethro: No sir, I just ain't sure.

Jed: You used to tote her books to school.
Jethro: Oh, yeah, I used to call her Cupcake.
Jed: Cupcake?
Jethro: Sweetest thing I ever put my lips to.
Jed: Louellen was?
Jethro: No, the cupcakes she used to tote to school in her lunch box.

Society: They're oil rich. Get 'em on the phone.
Secretary: But they're not in the social register.
Society: Who cares? With that kind of loot in the cash register, this could be the coming out party of the year.

Jane: Shall I show you your bedroom suite?
Jethro: [thinking Miss Jane is flirting] Sure, darlin'.

Pool: Now if you don't mind, I'm running a little late.
Daisy: You're runnin' fast, that's how yer runnin'!
[fires her shotgun]

Daisy: Alright, you can cook. I reckon you need the money. Why don't you do something with these hog jowls, grits, and collard greens.
Mrs. Meek: I don't take out garbage.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: In a short while, this lovely edifice will no longer house those dreadful hillbillies. It will be the Margaret Drysdale Art Center.
Fredericks: Congratulations madam, I hadn't heard the Clampetts were moving.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Neither have they.

Daisy: I fixed him a steamin' hot bowl of owl soup, and you know what he said?
Jed: No, what?
Daisy: He said, "It's cool, Mama, real cool."
Jed: [Jed picks up the empty bowl] Well, he sure cleaned it up.
Daisy: That's another thing. All the time he was slurpin' it down, he kept sayin', "This is too much."

Lance: [Lance is selecting a secretary] Alright girls, attention! As I point to you, take one pace forward and state your name and qualifications. The choice will be made on individual merit.
Janet: Janet Butterfield, 2, 80, 100.
Jane: That means she's been here 2 years, can type 80 words per minute, and take dictation at the rate of one hundred.
Susan: Susan Graham, 2, 85, 110.
Helen: Helen Thompson, 3, 90, 115.
Patricia: Patricia Switzer, 38, 23, 36, and that means just what you think it does.
Lance: You're hired.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, do you promise to keep it a absolute secret?
Milburn: [raises his right hand] May interest rates drop.
Jane: For him that is a sacred oath.

Elly: [Elly brings in a box of kittens] Ain't they cute?
Jed: 'Course they is cute, Elly, but if there's one thing we don't need right now, it's more critters
Daisy: Your Pa's right, Elly. Take 'em back.
Elly: But Granny, I already named 'em.
Daisy: Don't matter. Take 'em back.
Elly: They is all named after presidents. This one here is George Washington. This one here is Abraham Lincoln. And this one is Theodore Roosevelt.
Daisy: Take 'em back, Elly.
Elly: This one is Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: He can stay.

Jed: You see, here in Beverly Hills, a girl's got a chance to marry up with a handsome movie star.
Daisy: Yeah, like Tom Mix or Hoot Gibson.
Jed: Granny, I hear tell that they got some new ones. Miss Jane was talkin' about a feller named Cary Grant.
Daisy: GRANT?
Jed: I don't think he's any relation.

Bailiff: He said he'd suspend your $100 fine.
Daisy: There he goes, spendin' our money agin.

Elly: There ain't gonna be no sausages, cuz this here is a hippopotamus.
Jethro: It might be a hippopotamus now, but it's comin' outta that sausage grinder a hawg.

Shorty: This Hollywood night life is kinda expensive. Them four girls last night cost me a bundle
Jed: Was them girls from Mr. Drysdale's secretarial pool?
Shorty: No, these are what you call go-go dancers.
Jed: Go-go?
Shorty: And before I knew it, my money was gone-gone.

Mayor: Just this past Monday, it come to light that 5 high-placed officials was guilty of mismanaging funds.
Milburn: Shocking! And who were they?
Mayor: Tax assessor, the Treasurer, Fire Chief, Police Chief, Justice of the Peace. The purpose of my coming out here was to raise money to cover their mistakes and avoid a public scandal.
Milburn: Oh that's highly commendable, but why don't you just expose them?
Mayor: I happen to hold all 5 offices.

Daisy: If we had stayed in England and feuded with that next castle, like we were honor-bound to do, Elly May and Jethro wouldn't be out there in the woods, cold and hungry... and probably being et by the wolves.
Jed: If Jethro's hungry, you'd better worry about the wolves.

Daisy: He's a Hollywood actor and I wouldn't trust none of 'em any further than I could fling a anvil.

Milburn: Anybody that can keep Granny interested in staying in Beverly Hills is more than appealing. He's money in the bank, the Clampett's money in my bank.

Jed: They ain't got no snow out there. You could run your still the year round.
Daisy: I run it the year round here.
Jed: Yeah, but walkin' down through the snow to the still always makes you feel so miserable.
Daisy: I might feel miserable walkin' down, but the way I feels comin' back makes up fer it.

Milburn: Elly May, that goat eats securities. I told you to get her out of here.
Elly: Well I did, Mr. Drysdale. I put her down in the vault and now she's sick from eatin' too much money.

Daisy: I'm beginnin' to wonder about him. How can you trust a fella that don't like fricassee of barn owl?

Jed: [to Mr. Drysdale] Seems to me that there's more than one fox here with feathers on his mouth. Supposin' we all set down at the table and give all of the chickens a chance to cackle.

Jed: Granny, her first husband was so hen-pecked, he molted twice a year.

Homer: Mr. Drysdale, there are two bandits...
Milburn: Get back to your post, you craven coward! Stand shoulder to shoulder with your comrades.
Homer: But Mr. Drysdale, they're all lying on the floor.
Milburn: What's the guard doing?
Homer: He was doing about thirty when he left.
Milburn: Then fight alone. You capture those bandits and the entire reward is yours. 5 dollars in cash.
Homer: Mr. Drysdale, they've got guns!
Milburn: Alright, I'll make it $7.50.
Homer: Mr. Drysdale, they're coming up the hall! They're heading right for this office!
Milburn: They shall not pass! Stop them, Miss Hathaway.

Jane: [reading Granny's recipe for biscuits] Into one whole heap of flour, stir 2 middlin' amounts of buttermilk and a smidgen of... I don't understand.
Jed: Well, them is mountain measurements. A smidgen is just a teensy little bit, just like that. 3 smidgens makes one pinch. 4 pinches equals one little bit. 4 little bits equals one middlin' amount. 3 middlin' amounts equals one right smart and it takes 5 right smarts to make a whole heap.

Linda: You seem low.
Jethro: That's cuz I'm sittin' down.

Lafayette: I'm back again, Granny. Did you miss me?
Daisy: No and I ain't gonna miss you now. Elly May, fetch my shotgun!

Emaline: The goo in the slough gets mainly in your shoe.

Milburn: Look, I've run into these international freeloaders before. The longer the name, the shorter the bank account.
Jane: But chief!
Milburn: Give me a name like Ford, Getty, Morgan, Clampett.
Jane: The countess is worth one hundred million dollars.
Milburn: Give me a name like Maria de Beauchamp Constantine...
Countess: Why am I being kept waiting?
Jane: A thousand pardons, your ladyship.
Milburn: A hundred million pardons your imperial highness.
Countess: I'm a countess, not a queen.
[Mr. Drysdale won't stop kissing her hand]
Countess: That is a hand, not an ear of corn.

Jed: How's the weather been back to Mars?

Milburn: [to Miss Hathaway] You bring Indian here for powwow or you and me have powwow. I pow and you ow!

Daisy: [reading Sam Drucker's letter] "I hope you like them, sugar." Bold rascal.
Jed: Called you "sugar", did he?
Daisy: Read it for yourself.
Jed: I think that goes with the next line. "I hope you like them sugar-cured".

Daisy: [Granny is describing women at the supermarket] Oh, it's shameful. Why, them women show more than a sideshow wiggle dancer at a county fair! Ain't you been down there? Ain't you seen 'em?
Jed: No, but you sure put me in a mood to go.

Daisy: I don't want no revenooers snoopin' around. They're the lowest form of varmints. Even he was ashamed of bein' one.
Jed: He was?
Daisy: Called it the Infernal Revenue Service.

Jed: Let me smell your breath.
Daisy: Not while you're smokin'.
Jed: I thought so.

Daisy: He had to set the table for me. Durn fool had 5 forks at every plate, 4 knives, and 3 spoons.

Daisy: I wanna ask Miss Swanson when she's gonna make another picture like "Society Scandal".
Gloria: Ah, "Society Scandal". You remember that one?
Daisy: Yeah, Jed and me seen it twice.
Gloria: Now that was a long time ago.
Daisy: Oh yes, clean last summer.
Gloria: You two attended the silent film festival in Venice?
Jed: No Ma'am. We seen it at the Bijou Theater back in Bug Tussle.

Jed: Granny, me and ol' Duke here is plumb tuckered out. We walked clean over to the golf pasture lookin' fer some game.
Daisy: What'd you git?
Jed: We got mean-mouthed and stick-chased outta there.
Daisy: You mean you come home with nuthin', empty-handed?
Jed: Well we did manage to find a few of them golf eggs.
Daisy: Throw 'em out, Jed. They just can't be cooked. I boiled 'em and poached 'em and fried 'em and they still come out gummy as an old boot.

Jane: What are we cooking for Mr. Clampett?
Daisy: Well I don't know what you're cookin', but if he wants any vittles from me, somebody better shoot a possum.
Jane: Possum?
Daisy: You got a better idea?
Jane: But of course, a nice fluffy soufflé.
Daisy: All right. You shoot it and you skin it.

Jed: You told me that the government up in Washington was hurtin' for money and deep in debt.
Milburn: Yes, but...
Jed: I can't let the government pay for Jethro when I got all them millions just layin' here in your bank.

Banzai: This girl, Elly May?
Jed: That's right. She's my daughter.
Banzai: Oh, so sorry. Once again, Miko become light of my life.

Milburn: One day it will be Drysdale National Bank.

Daisy: Pull the covers up, Elly, so he don't chill.
Jed: With what he's got in him, he couldn't chill at 30 below.

Milburn: Whoever named you the weaker sex must be the same idiot who said 'money can't buy happiness'.

Jed: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs] Lay back down, you're dyin'.
Daisy: I'm dyin' to belt her one.

Daisy: [about champagne] It beats me how anybody can get juiced on that sody pop! Ain't got no wallop at all!

Milburn: Now look, Sonny... This is ridiculous. I've been calling you Sonny ever since I married your mother. Now what is your real name?
Sonny: Adonis.
Milburn: Now look, Sonny...

Daisy: [wearing a mini skirt] No 400 year old ghost will mistake me for a grandmother in this.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Somebody has sure gone and messed up this poor man's ceement.
Jethro: Looks like there was a whole bunch of 'em.
Jethro: Bold rascals too. Wasn't enough to go tromping through it with their feet, they had to stick their hands in it too and write their names!

Linda: Do you have any pets?
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon our ol' hound dog, Duke, is my pet.
Linda: Any hobbies?
Jethro: Mm hmm, he likes to chase squirrels.
Linda: I mean you, Jethro.
Jethro: Yeah, I like to chase 'em too.

Milburn: You got tapped in Vegas, huh?
Lowell: Murdered.

Elly: Whatcha gonna fix, Granny?
Daisy: My courtship special, turnip greens and tonic gravy.

Jed: There is them that say, "This ain't our quarrel. We ain't Californy folks born and bred." But I say, this state has been mighty good to us, and when trouble starts, we ain't about to run and hide. That's enough talk. Let's get to fightin'.
Jethro: And eatin'.

Jane: You sit down. I shall serve you the food and we'll discuss our future.
Jethro: Our what?
Jane: Oh there are plans to be made, dear boy. For example, when shall we have our nuptials?
Jethro: Well, let's have 'em with the biscuits and red eye gravy.

Jane: Soon I shall be cooking for you all the time.
Jethro: You will?
Jane: Of course. Three meals a day.
Jethro: I ain't cuttin' down to three meals a day! No ma'am! Uh-uh! Not me! No!

Jethro: I ain't been wastin' time, Granny. I been goin' to cool school.
Daisy: What kind of a fool school is cool school?

Jed: Make us proud of you, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, by the way, that ain't my name no more. Us movie stars gotta use tough-soundin' names like Biff Steel, Crunch Hardtack, Race Burley.
Daisy: You got one?
Jethro: I thought myself up a dandy, Beef Jerky.

Dick: That's my cab out there. I'm waiting for somebody to bust out so I can bring 'em back. The doc pays real good for that.

Milburn: Alright, if you won't leave, I'll have you thrown out. Miss Hathaway, Miss Hathaway.
Jane: Yes chief?
Milburn: Throw them out.

Jed: Miss Jane, you was up at the house. You seen Granny doing her housework?
Jane: Well I only saw her briefly. When I was there, she was in a tizzy.
Jed: Tizzy, huh? She's started cleanin' things I never heard of.

Daisy: Just let a doctor walk in like I done and ask for a simple healin' drug like bullnettle root and wahoo bark and they look at ya like you was some kind of a nut!

Elverna: I think I'll stroll over to the pavillion.
Daisy: Too bad Elly took the broom, you could ride.
Elverna: I'm not going to stay here and be insulted.
Daisy: Well, if you'd rather go outside and be insulted, let's go!

Jethro: Now you're gonna find out what happens when you insult General "Buzz" Bodine.
Elly: What's "Buzz" mean?
Daisy: Buzzard, what else?

Police: Lady, are you daft?
Daisy: No. I can hear fine.

Jane: In the woods, I saw him! Just right for Elly! An Adonis, a Hercules, an Apollo!
Daisy: Oh please Miss Jane, she's got enough critters now.
Jane: No, no. You don't understand. He was cutting down a tree near the lake.
Jed: She don't need another beaver.

Sonny: How now, brown cow.
Elly: How now, brown cow.
Jethro: How's it goin', Uncle Jed?
Jed: Bad. Now he's got Elly believin' ol' Duke is a cow.

Jane: I'm taking a bikini to Palm Springs.
Jethrine: Is that faster than a train?
Jane: Jethro, you dear naive boy, you shall see when we go swimming. You Tarzan, me Jane.
Jethrine: No Ma'am, I'm Jethro Bodine.

Jed: I feel sorry for her in a way. She's got a million dollar itch and only forty dollars to scratch it with.

Jethro: Wait'll you see her. She's purty as a mess of fried catfish.
Jed: Granny, the boy's in love. Ain't no girl ever come up to fried catfish before.

Jane: Jethro, you can take that pink chicken back out to the cement pond. We're goin' out and shoot us a nice big fluffy soufflé.

Jethro: Lookout dragons, here I come, Yee Haw!

Jane: Elly, are that cat and that rooster compatible?
Elly: Oh no. They gets along just fine.

Jed: I don't know what I'd do without you, Jethro, but I'm willin' to give it a try.

Jethro: [explaining the plot of the movie Goldfinger] The bad guys was after Fort Knox, and if old naught naught seven hadn't taken a hand, the next time Uncle Sam needed gold, he'd a been milkin' a dry cow.

Jethro: That was written by Abraham Lincoln, the president that whupped the South.
Daisy: South was not whupped!
Jethro: Granny, General Lee surrendered to General Grant.
Daisy: He did not! General Lee figgered that Grant was a blacksmith and he handed him his sword so he could sharpen it. And don't you ever forget it!

Jethro: [Jethro is wearing an ancient Roman uniform] She'll really go for me in this. This is what the emperor hisself wears.
Jane: Caesar?
Jethro: Not yet, but I figured to hold hands with her tonight.
Jethro: [Mr. Drysdale comes out of his office] Hail, Mr. Drysdale.
Jethro: Hail, Jethro. Hail? What's going on? What's this getup for?
Jethro: It's so I can make a hit with that beautiful Italian cook.
Jane: She'll see him as the noblest Roman of them all.
Milburn: Caesar?
Jane: Not yet, but he plans to hold hands with her tonight.
Milburn: When will I learn to stay in my own office and keep the door closed?

Elly: I'd want to live in a little log cabin in the hills.
Dash: A log cabin?
Elly: And we'll have a little patch of ground and a goat, a pig or two, and ten or twelve young-uns, just a small family.
Dash: Ten or twelve?
Elly: Yeah, course you'd wanna trade them fancy duds and shiny shoes for some overalls and a pair of clod crunchers.
Dash: Clod crunchers?
Elly: Whilst you is out pullin' a plow all day, I'd be cookin' for you. Fish head stew and baked possum, hog jowls...

Jane: Au revoir, Granny.
Daisy: Same to you, whatever it is.

Daisy: [arriving in Beverly Hills] They call them hills? Why we got moles that can push up higher ridges than that.
Jed: Well leastways they's hills. We'll be among our kind of folks.

Jane: You were only with the Clampetts a day and a night.
Milburn: Yes, they gave you a lovely room and fed you.
Mr. Pinckney: Fed Me? Sir, have you ever partaken of the curious substances which Granny so quaintly calls "vittles"?

Jethro: [lighting the candles on Granny's birthday cake] This thing is commencing to look like a brush fire.

Jane: How about it Chief Running Wolf, what do you think of our city?
Chief: Ug.
Little: Oh come on dad. He likes to put people on with that Indian talk. Actually, he's a graduate of Oxford.
Jane: How interesting. I really would like your opinion Chief.
Chief: Well, frankly I find the high incidence of hydrocarbon and monoxide pollutants in your thermally-inverted atmosphere very detrimental to proper respiration.
Little: Go back to "Ug."

Daisy: There. That ought to hold you. That's a granny knot.

Daisy: Back in Tennessee, my old granny had a sayin': Thirteen and fourteen, a girl's in her prime/Fifteen and sixteen, she's still got time/Seventeen and eighteen, she's just about done/Nineteen and twenty, her pa needs a gun.

Jane: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year.
Milburn: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off.
Jane: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus.
Milburn: I've already thought of that.
Jane: You have?
Milburn: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.'
Jane: But, Chief, that's extraordinary!
Milburn: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.

Jed: Accordin' to Mr. Drysdale, we're gonna be shootin' some game called golf.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a golf?
Jed: Well, I don't rightly know, Granny, but they must be thicker 'n crows in a corn pasture around here cuz Mr. Drysdale says everybody in Beverly Hills shoots 'em.
Daisy: Ain't never seen no strange critters runnin' around. They must live in holes in the ground, like a gopher.
Jed: Yeah, I reckon maybe you're right. Just the other day I heard him say he shot 9 holes of golf and got 57.

Jethrine: Ma gets a kick outa runnin' things.
Daisy: She's gonna get a kick that she ain't lookin' fer. I'm gonna boot her so hard that every time she sets down, she'll leave my footprints.

Jed: Pearl, we just ain't ready for society that high.

Jethro: [Jethro is being electrocuted by his Bodine-o-phone] Oo oo turn me off. Oo oo pull me loose. Oo oo cut the juice!
Kingsley: He's even got a hit song.

Milburn: Well Miss Hathaway, I have you to blame for this mess.
Jane: Well I didn't do anything.
Milburn: I know. I did. But fortunately, I have you to blame for it.

Daisy: She oughta be doin' women's work - helpin' me with the still.

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Jane: Chief, what exploded?
Milburn: Granny!
Jane: She has a gun?
Milburn: She has a cannon!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, if Granny marries Sam Drucker and he totes her off to Hooterville, you and me is goin' to starve to death. That's a terrible way to go.
Daisy: Elly has cooked some vittles.
Jethro: That's a even worse way to go.

Homer: Say, how about going on a little sleigh ride?
Daisy: You promise to behave?
Homer: Sure I do!
Daisy: [disgusted] Well, we might as well stay here and sing.

Daisy: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen.
Jed: [Jed frowns] Who?

Jed: Now Granny, you do the right thing and take this horse back where you bought it.
Daisy: I don't think they'll take it back. It was on sale.
Jethro: Yeah, 175 dollars.
Jed: For this critter?
Jethro: No sir, for the buggy. They threw in the horse for free.

Jane: Come on, Jethro.
Milburn: I'm not Jethro.
Jane: You will be after the head transplant.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale seems to set great store by young Fernpod, uh, Simply. Say's he's gonna move right up the ladder.
Daisy: Ladder? What's he do down at the bank, wash windows?
Jed: The way I understand it, he's got somethin' to do with bookkeeping.
Daisy: Must keep 'em on a high shelf if he has to climb for 'em.

Daisy: Bah! Big mouth attractive? Why that girl is so homey, if she dropped her handkerchief in a boy scout camp, she'd have to pick it up herself.
Elverna: Victoria Rose is the belle of this county. Believe me, a lot of men are going to be miserable when she gets married.
Daisy: Really? How many men is she marryin'?

Elly: I been cookin' all mornin'.
Jed: You have, huh?
Elly: Yes sir, whomped up a big batch of pork chops and homemade biscuits and gravy.
Jed: Say now, that's a pretty fair-lookin' done-to-a-turn pork chop.
Elly: That's a biscuit.

Jane: May I have my key please?
Shorty: What key's that?
Jane: The key to the room I'm occupying.
Shorty: I'm afraid there ain't no key.
Jane: Why not?
Shorty: Cuz there ain't no lock.
Jane: Mr. Kellems, am I to understand that some local Lochinvar would be free to enter my room whenever he wished?
Shorty: Um, now that you mention it, yeah. I reckon he would.
Jane: Oh! I just love this quaint little community!

Daisy: Fish only looks good in a skillet.

Daisy: Aaaa! Elly May's drownin' my hawg! Quick, Jethro, jump in and pull him out! Give him mouth-to-mouth ressitation!
Jethro: [the hippo opens its jaws and growls] I ain't gettin' close to them jowls till they's on a plate.

Jed: Granny promised me she wouldn't scrap no more.
Daisy: I'm retirin' undefeated.

Mrs. Millicent Schuyler: You are in the 5th grade?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am, just finished three years in the 4th.

Daisy: The critters are takin' over! Elly May has done made pets outta everything but my pickled turnips.

Jed: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.
Granny: What?
Jed: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
Jed: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.
Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?
Jed: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.
Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!
Jed: This way, he can do both!

Daisy: [Using her mind-reading potion to find out what Mrs. Drysdale wants for Christmas] Wait, I see it, clear as a bell. It's shoes! She wants new shoes.
Jed: Granny, them's your shoes. Your potion done et through the table.

Jane: Right now, groups like the Beatles are all the rage.
Milburn: The who?
Jane: Beatles. They're the most popular group in the world. Why they get as much as $100,000 for one appearance.
Milburn: They do?
Jane: Yes. Last year alone, they made something like $14 million.
Milburn: Well let's get them.
Jane: For the Clampett party?
Milburn: No, for depositors

Jed: Can't you see she's just usin' you to get what she wants. She's the most willful headstrong spoiled-rotten woman that...
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I'll have to ask you not to talk that way about the woman that I'm going to marry.

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jed: Sold me Canada for $80 million and a handful of cash.
Daisy: You bought Canada, Jed?
Jed: It's Jethro that deserved the credit. Hadn't been for him, I mighta would up with Borneo. Mr. Drysdale, why don't you and Miss Jane...
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out]
Jed: Well Doggies! All it takes to catch him up on his sleep is a little good news.

Daisy: Now, if you're not poisonin' the pond, lets see you tip up that jug and take a swig.
Pool: I can't do that. It's concentrated chlorine. It kills the algae and fungus.
Daisy: It kills fish too. We've tried two or three times to stock this pond.
Pool: But this water's only for swimming.
Daisy: What do you think fish do, walk?

Countess: You know, I'm absolutely helpless without a chauffer.
Milburn: Oh, speaking of chauffeurs, how is Humphrey?
Countess: Who?
Jane: The rather elderly gentleman who was driving you last year.
Milburn: Yes, after some of Granny's tonic, you married him.
Countess: Oh of course. That Humphrey. Dear sweet man, I lost him soon after the wedding.
Milburn: Oh?
Jane: What a pity.
Countess: Yes. We were given a huge wedding reception, and I lost him in the crowd.

Jed: I sure would like to meet your wife, Howard.
Howard: No you wouldn't, Jed. That is the naggingest woman that ever lived. She's the reason I got so much land.
Jed: Whatcha mean?
Howard: So that I can hide from her.

Daisy: [Granny sees a large bottle of alcohol in Dr. Clyburn's office] Well, I'm glad to see you ain't agin takin' a little nip now and then, Roy.
Dr. Roy Clyburn: I wouldn't drink that stuff. Why, that'll... that'll make you blind!
Daisy: Well, I grant you gotta know when you've enough.

Jed: [reading poem on the side of the baby elephant] You can give my trunk a yank if you bring your folks to the Commerce Bank.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, couldn't we talk about this some other time when I ain't starvin'?
Jed: There ain't that much time in life, boy.

Jed: Duke, I know it's askin' a heap, but if you can pull yer eyes open fer a minute, yonder is somethin' you don't see every day, a girl playin' ball... with a monkey... and a bobcat watchin'.
[Duke looks up and then goes back to sleep]
Jed: Sorry old timer, I reckon what you was dreamin' had it beat.

Milby: Hello Uncle Milby. I hope you don't mind my borrowing this book from your desk.
Milburn: Oh not at all, my boy. "A Sympathetic Look at Ebenezer Scrooge." That's one of my favorites.

Daisy: Jed, is the revenooer stayin' fer supper?
Jed: He ain't no revenooer.
Daisy: Well, is the furreigner stayin' fer supper?
Jed: How about it Mr. Landman? You too Mr. Drysdale.
Mr. Landman: You're not by any chance cooking mustard greens and possum innards, are you?
Daisy: Not tonight.
Jed: No, we had them last night.
Mr. Landman: I'll stay.
Milburn: Me too.
Daisy: Tonight, we is havin' leftovers.
Jed: That's the thing about possum innards. They is just as good the second day.

Female: We'll never find another... BRAIN... like his!
Male: He's a double-zero if I ever saw one.

Police: And what might his name be?
Daisy: Jed.
Police: His last name?
Daisy: Oh, Clampett.
Police: O'Clampett you say?

Jed: You know what, Granny? The city of Beverly Hills is gonna have a queen.
Granny: No!
Jed: And you know how they're gonna pick the queen?
Granny: How?
Jed: They're gonna have all the girls run a foot race!
Granny: Well, I'll be switched.

Dean: [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree] You have an inspirational success story for those young people.
Milburn: I think just a simple thank-you would be best.
Dean: Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune.
Jed: Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune.
Dean: Perhaps a simple thank-you would be best.

Jed: They're all good pictures. What are you askin' for these, Colonel Foxhole?
Colonel: Foxhall, sir. I'm asking one million dollars.
Daisy: A million dollars?
Jed: Well I ain't bought many pictures, but that does seem a mite steep.
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, if you don't meet his price, these pictures will appear on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.
Jed: Well there's a idea, Granny. Let's wait 'til tomorrow and cut 'em outta the paper.

Jed: Now, these small-town boys are different. They're more friendly. You'll get yourself a husband in no time at all.
Elly: I will?
Jed: You play your cards right, you will.
Elly: Well, what do I do?
Jed: Well, first off, you get yourself into a dress, and be your own sweet, purty self, and the first thing you know, some boy will ask you out.
Elly: Well, out where?
Jed: Well, out to a church social, a husking bee, something.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: If you play your cards right, he'll ask you out again, to dance, or moonlight hayride, something real romantic.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: Well, play your cards right, first thing you know, you're married!
Elly: Well, is that all there is to it?
Jed: Elly, I reckon I didn't tell it very good, but, uh, that card-playing can be a heap of fun!
Jed: [later] Granny, I think you best have a talk with Elly about courting and such.
Daisy: I thought you was gonna do that.
Jed: I tried, but the way I left it, first fella that asks for her hand is liable to wind up holding a fistful of cards!

Mr. Lucas: Ned, this is John Lucas. Now listen very carefully. This is a real hot tip. I want you to buy Crawdad, all you can get... that's right, Crawdad... So what, a few years ago nobody ever heard of Xerox.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: Most bankers are soft as marshmallows, 'til you try to borrow money from them.

Jethrine: [from Cousin Pearl's song for the chariot race scene from "Ben Hur"] Don't let that other rascal get ahead a you, or he'll win the race and that'll never do.

Elly: You gonna walk all the way to the bank?
Daisy: No, I'm goin' at a fast trot.

Jed: Well now, ain't that handy?
Elly: What's that, Pa?
Jed: The way the road takes a bend in here and runs right by the front door.
Milburn: No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.

Shifty: Come on over. Granny is cookin' up some groundhog stew and gopher gravy.
Jed: That sounds atrocious.
Shifty: Oh it is. You'll love it!

Jane: The only place we are going is to the town where Mr. Drysdale is being held and we are going to take him out of that jail.
Homer: No no no, I'll have no part of a lynch mob.

Ginny: Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance!
Jed: Granny, you ever hear of that dance?
Daisy: No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.

Jed: I'm sorry about the boy. I'd like to say he ain't hisself today, but I'm afraid he is.

Daisy: Jed, can I have my glasses and shotgun back?
Jed: You could have had your glasses if you hadn't asked for the shotgun.
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Jed: I'm afraid you still got it in for Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: Well I asked the Lord to fill my heart with love for the woman, like you said.
Jed: Did He do?
Daisy: Jed, is it my fault that he don't like her neither?

Jed: Forget for a minute that you're Elly May's cousin. Now speakin' as just a young feller, whose figure would you pick? Miss Jane's or Elly May's?
Jethro: Well, Miss Jane's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: Heck fire, if I had Elly's figure, I'd look like a girl!

Jed: [On Eb's intelligence, or lack thereof] Eb's a nice young feller, but if brains was lard, he wouldn't grease too big a pan.

Jane: You're taking the Sea Witch tomorrow.
Milburn: I am not! You know she doesn't get along with the Clampetts.
Jane: Sea Witch is the boat you chartered.
Milburn: Oh, don't scare me like that.

Cousin: My answer is still no.
Jed: Better quit while your ahead, Mr. Brewster.

Cousin: [Jed shows Pearl the kitchen] Why, a person could feed an army in here.
Daisy: Well, the way those two young 'uns of yours eat, that's just what you'll have to do.

Milburn: Do you know what happened to the last man who admitted that to Ransohoff? He is now working at the bank at Moose Jaw, Alaska.

Jed: Miss Emaline 'n me'll be married right off.
Colonel: Married?
Jed: Code of the hills demands it. I done seen her in her skimpies and flimsies. We'll leave for Bug Tussle tonight and honeymoon in Snyder's Swamp.
Emaline: What?
Jed: We'll move into that little shack back to Possum Ridge with your Ma and Pa and 17 sisters.

Daisy: Jed, when are you gonna get it through your head? When a girl passes 14, she's a old maid. Passes 16, she's a spinster. And when she passes 18, ferget it!

Jed: I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't have no truck with me. I dunno what to do.
Daisy: He'll listen if our shotguns do the talkin'.

Jed: Bon jour mon ami.
Jane: Excellent! Excellent!
Mlle. Denise: Howdy, you furry little varmint.
Jed: Well, if that's French, we've been talkin' it fer years.
Jane: I rather imagine she learned that from listening to Elly May.

Elly: He says it ain't time yet for a meeting of the board.
Jed: Tell him we get bored quicker than city folks.

Wilkins: But they're violent people. Granny threatened me with a shotgun.
Milburn: What did you say about the South?

Daisy: After the casserole, I'm bringin' on a steamin' platter of tadpole turnovers.
Jed: Mmm mmm

Jethro: Where you gonna sleep?
Daisy: I can sleep anyplace. I got a warm blanket, a loaded shotgun, and a full jug.

Jane: Let's put the Clampetts on a plane for home, the only place in the civilized world where Possum Day is celebrated.
Milburn: Well I'm going to change that. There must be plenty of communities around here that would jump at that opportunity. Now let's see.
[looks at the map]
Milburn: Ah, here's one, right on the coast, Possum Beach.
Jane: That's Pismo Beach.
Milburn: Maybe they'll change it.

Daisy: Eye of a newt, tail of a toad, bust up the spell that I done throwed.

Earl: Lester, did she say "Gladys Delovely?"
Lester: Yeah, that's the name one of those publicity fellas made up.
Earl: I kinda hope she don't get famous.
Lester: Whaddaya mean?
Earl: Well, folks might go to calling you by her name. I don't know how that'd set back in Tennessee. Lester Delovely and Earl Scruggs.

Elly: Quick Pa, let's skedaddle! Granny's started spring house cleanin' and she's done caught Jethro.

Jed: She's got plenty of witnesses that heard you say the two of you ought to get married.
Shorty: I still say we ought to get married, maybe not to one another.

Jed: [Jethro is reciting poetry to Duke] There's nothin' wrong with a boy likin' his dog, but don't you think he'd rather have a nice bone?

Dub: [to his equally shiftless father Lafe Crick] I knew you'd be proud a' me... it's the most I ever stole.

Captain: I'll take charge and deploy my men on the defense perimeter. We're expecting the offensive to begin at exactly fifteen hundred hours.
Daisy: Poor little fella, ain't even old enough to tell time.

Jed: It just don't seem neighborly for us to keep to ourselves the way we do.
Daisy: It ain't us that's stand-offish, it's our neighbors. They were from the very start. Why when we moved in here, nary a one of 'em lifted a finger to help us.
Jed: But they didn't know we was movin' in, Granny. Since then, every single one has offered to help us move out.

Milburn: One week, we could have painted nursery rhymes like: Pussycat pussycat, where have you went? To the Commerce Bank for 5%.

Harry: Oh, and somebody sign this for me please.
[Elly's chimp signs]
Harry: I don't think the company would accept your signature.
[Elly's chimp pulls out a gun]

Elly: $50 million and she makes her own soap?
Milburn: They don't spend their money. Have you noticed Elly May?
Elly: Oh yes!
Milburn: Have you noticed how she runs around in those faded old blue jeans?
Elly: Yes! Tight, aren't they?
Milburn: What?
Elly: Tight. As you say, they don't spend their money.

Jed: A widow knows all about men. The only man that knows about *her* is dead!

Daisy: We dasn't wait any longer to get that girl a husband. Cousin Pearl says that folks back home are beginnin' to talk, askin' about your spinster daughter.
Jed: That's back in the hills. Out here, girls seen to reach their prime a mite later.
Daisy: Now Jed, lets not fool ourselves with city talk. You know and I know that prime is 14. Anything over that and you're slidin' downhill.

Elly: Mrs. Drysdale must be in terrible shape, fightin' mean, scratchin' an clawin' people an everything.
Daisy: How do you know?
Elly: I heard her yellin' clean from upstairs. She says,"Marie, Marie, come and get clawed." Sure enough, pretty soon, this poor girl come a runnin' down and yellin' "Take me to the doctor, I got clawed."
[Claude is Mrs. Drysdale's dog]

Elly: What's Clamco Inc., Pa?
Jed: Well Clamco's the name of our corporation.
Elly: Is we gonna make ink?

Jane: That Sebastian Stromboli is an absolute virtuoso.
Daisy: I thought he was a fiddle player.

Daisy: [to John Wayne] Where was you when I needed ya, John?

Jed: [Granny ordered Jethro to mount the Confederate flag on the truck] I ain't just sure that that is the official state flag.
Daisy: Jed, this is Southern California.
Jed: Right you are.

Jed: Ya know, when it comes to gettin' a husband, the best spoonin' is done in the kitchen!

Judge: Are you represented by counsel?
Jed: Am I what by who?

Daisy: You can blame Jethro for the state I'm in. I declare, Jed, that boy is turnin' into a first class girl chaser.
Jed: Well I always said, if you're gonna do somethin', do it well.

Shorty: Jethro, am I glad to see you!
Jethro: Did you chop all this wood, Shorty?
Shorty: Every stick of it. Granny's been holding that shotgun on me for 2 hours, makin' me work my fool head off. Will you take over?
Jethro: Sure
[takes Granny's shotgun]
Jethro: I'll watch him, Granny.
Daisy: If he makes a break for it, give him both barrels.

Milburn: Here's to Countess von Clamp... Holstein.

Daisy: It's exactly one week to Possum Day. Who will be your queen? Will it be Mrs. Drysdale or me? The choice is up to you, but come election day, remember where you got the cider that we's gonna pass out right now.

Jed: Funny thing about Jethro, he was born with a full set of teeth, just like a beaver.

Adaline: You know, my daughter got married off at 13. There's a snapshot took at the weddin'.
Jed: What's that you husband's holdin'? Looks like a shotgun.
Adaline: He just came back from huntin'.
Jed: Appears he bagged what he was after.

Daisy: Now before I let you meet my granddaughter, I got to know all about you.
Dean: Well, my name is Dean Porter...
Daisy: That's enough. Elly May, there's a fella down here to meet ya.

Jed: Even as a baby, Jethro had a mighty unusual hunger.
Daisy: Yeah, there ain't many 3-day-old babies that can tie into a side of bacon like he done.

Jed: Ain't a gorilla a critter?
Jethro: Well, yeah. Except he's smarter than most. Purty near as smart as me.
Jed: Do tell.
Jethro: Pretty near as big as me too, and can work like me.
Daisy: Well, if he eats like you, forget it. I ain't cookin' for another table buzzard.

Jethro: This is what you call a Squeegee board.

Daisy: Take that man
[the fire-eater]
Daisy: to the kitchen! Give him some bakin' soda and buttermilk!
Jed: Make sure and get the jug with the buttermilk. You give him some of Granny's corn squeezins, and he'll hiccup this house to a cinder.

Daisy: The whole family's gonna get et up. Them sharks is gonna be havin' Clampett chowder.

Milburn: There isn't going to be any Possum Festival. I was even turned down by Death Valley.

Jed: Maybe you gotta be some kind of a genius to appreciate art like that.
Jethro: Nah, Uncle Jed. I can't see nothin' in it either.

Daisy: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
Elly: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
Daisy: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank you, Granny.
Jethro: Yeah, thanks Granny.
Daisy: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!

Jethro: I saw a long legged pink chicken down by the cement pond.

Daisy: See you in a couple a weeks.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Stay as long as you like.

Jed: Well, who might this young lady be?
Jethro: She's Miss Kitty Devine, the girl that called me a creep, run over my foot, and sicced her dog on me. My sweetheart!

Jane: Have you ever stayed in a beautiful hotel suite?
Jethro: No I ain't, darling.

Sam: He raises barley, corn, rye.
Daisy: You can make good stuff outta them.
Jed: Granny!
Daisy: I mean stuff like bread.
Jed: Sure you do.
Howard: If you ever happen to come by my place, drop in. I'll give you three fingers of "bread".

Jed: Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest.
Shorty: Just a minute.
Jed: What's the matter, Shorty?
Shorty: Somethin' in my ear. Sounded like you said Elverna won the beauty contest.
Shad: She did.
Shorty: Musta been the only one in it.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh, Miss Hathaway, I'll need you today.
Milburn: What for? A bridesmaid?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Of course not, Milburn. I'll need her as an interpreter. You see, Mademoiselle Denise speaks almost no English.
Milburn: Very few poodles do.

Daisy: I ain't happy with my job.
Jed: Vice President?
Daisy: That's it. I just had Jethro look up that the word "vice" means, and I ain't gonna be president of no such goings on!

Jed: By doggies, that was a mighty tasty dessert.
Elly: Well, I guess you wasn't just funnin' when you said what you did about chocolate sauce.
Jed: What'd I say?
Elly: Well, you always said you could eat sawdust if they had chocolate sauce on it.
Jed: Elly May, you didn't feed me chocolate covered sawdust, did you?
Elly: 'Course not, Pa.
Jed: Good.
Elly: That was last night's meatloaf.
Jed: Meatloaf?
Elly: Remember, you said it was so good you was gonna save it for dessert.

Jed: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Well of course, but...
Jed: Well then go ahead and give it to her.
Milburn: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up.
Daisy: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash.
Milburn: Cash?
Daisy: Cash.
Jed: We do favor cash.
Milburn: I haven't got 11 million.
Daisy: You see, I told you, he spent it!

Doug: I've checked every source I know. There just isn't much on Mr. Clampett.
Tracy: Well I don't need much to ruin him. What clubs does he belong to?
Doug: None.
Tracy: What corporations is he connected with?
Doug: None.
Tracy: Well he must do something.
Doug: He whittles a lot.

Milburn: And while you're at the agency, fill out an application.
Jane: I'm fired?
Milburn: Certainly not. After the agency, you go to the Clampett's, straighten everything out, make everyone happy, and then you're fired.

Milburn: Ladybelle is a champion-bred harness racer. I didn't know they were going to make a house pet out of her.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: House pet?
Milburn: I understand Elly May let it sleep in her room.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Well, for once that mansion had a well-bred occupant.

Milburn: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge?
Jane: No, why do you ask?
Milburn: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!

Dean: Will you please explain what this little woman wants?
Jethro: Yessir, she wants folks to call her a doctor.
Daisy: And it's high time too.
Dean: Indeed it is.
[picks up the phone]
Dean: Get me Dr. Neimeyer in Psychiatry.

Granny: We sure would be proud to have y'all come and take Thanksgiving vittles with us.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Sonny and I wouldn't think...
Milburn: ...of passing up an invitation like that. We'll be there.

Justin: Please believe me Mr. Clampett. Daisy is a violent destructive force. She's unpredictable. She's dangerous.
Jed: I grant you all that Mr. Addison, but she's still my mother in law.

Daisy: If they don't allow folks to have stock, why have they got that all-fired fancy stock pen down there?
Jed: Well Granny, it turned out that that there was something called a Tennus court.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a Tennus?
Jed: I don't know, but one of these days, we'll get us a pair of 'em and go to raise them out there.

Jed: Jethro, I reckon we gotta let Granny blow off that head of steam she built up over Lafe Crick or she's gonna be sputterin' and hissin' like that for weeks.
Jethro: I reckon it'd pleasure her a heap to cut loose and speak her mind.
Jed: Granny, what do you think of Lafe Crick?
Daisy: Why he is the laziest, no-account varmint that ever drawed a breath!
Jethro: Go Granny, go.
Daisy: Why the only hard work that he ever done was to turn over in bed! He can get up in the mornin' with nothin' to do and by nightfall, it's only half done!
Jed: That's it, Granny, mean mouth him good.
Daisy: His woman does all the work over at their place. And the only time she ever got him out in the field, she had to sharpen the stump so he couldn't set down!
Jed: Blow the lid off, Granny, let her fly.
Daisy: The only nickle he ever earned was when his Pa paid him 2 bits to stay away from the house! Why he would whitewash his own Ma and rent her out to haunt houses! Why, he's so lazy, even his scarecrows have to set in a chair! You talk about a liar, why that Lafe Crick wouldn't know the truth if he stepped on it bare-footed!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Always thinking of yourself Milburn! Why couldn't you collapse on the walk? You know those grass stains won't come out.

Jane: Mr. Clampett, I will explain to Granny that in addition to the aesthetic depreciation and the local hostility that would attain, the net results in volume of produce weighed against value per acre would make the entire venture economically unfeasible.
Jed: Well if you're gonna explain it to her that way, I just as well start plowin'.

Sam: I'd be real careful what I say about Judge Johnson. There's two kinds of men he don't like, and you're both of 'em.
Milburn: I am a Beverly Hills banker.
Sam: Bingo.

Jane: I want to thank you for allowing my little band of fledglings to nest in your garden sanctuary as they sharpen their senses to better pursue their ornithological avocation.
Jed: I thought you was gonna watch birds.

Marty: Is that fabulous! I tell you I've been to parties all over the world, but this is the cleverest, the most original, and what food! Imagine calling roast pheasant au jus, stuffed crow with gopher gravy. I noticed that you didn't eat much.
Jane: The excitement of the evening.

Edythe Brewster: I'm very anxious to meet the Clampetts. John has told me of their transformation from backwoods hillbillies to Beverly Hills millionaires.
John: I'm only sorry you couldn't have seen them the way they looked 3 years ago back in those hills. I'll never forget Mr. Clampett when he opened the door of that cabin. He looked like he hadn't shaved for 3 days, he had on an old beat-up hat, faded blue jeans, a torn coat. He was carrying a jug of mountain dew.
Jed: [Jed answers the door looking like he hasn't shaved in 3 days, wearing an old beat-up hat and faded blue jeans, and carrying Granny's jug] Well howdy folks.

Jed: You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man.
Daisy: Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.

Jed: I dug up all the rockin' chairs we got, Granny, but they ain't gonna be enough for all the old folks to rock.
Daisy: Well I'll pass around my rheumatiz medicine and them that ain't rockin' will think they is.

Milburn: Jed and Mrs. Carrington. They're perfectly mated, 50 million and 24 million. Oh, marriages like that are made in Fort Knox.

Milburn: Come on, we've got to get up there and stop them.
Jane: But Chief, a coming out party for Elly May isn't such a bad idea.
Milburn: It is when they spare no expense.

Daisy: You can't hardly find a bear in Georgia ever since Sherman's retreat to the sea.

Jed: Elly left me with this grizzly cub, but he goes after vittles a heap like Jethro.

Daisy: Jed, he left without eatin'.
Jed: No question about it. The boy panicked.

Jane: [reading the sign painted on the hippo] Save your pennies in a pig or save them in a cup, but bring them to the Commerce Bank or I will eat you up!
Milburn: Kids love rhymes.

Daisy: Hit him in the nose, Jed. Make him let go of that jug.
Jed: And who's gonna make him let go of me?

Daisy: Now ths bottle is for Mr. Drysdale.
Elly: Granny, you sure you wanna tonic him again?
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Elly: Well last year, he like to went wild. Why he grabbed his wife, hugged her and kissed her and carried on somethin' scandalous.
Daisy: I wondered why she asked me for 2 bottles this year.

Daisy: You're early, Mr. Policeman. We ain't goin' to be eatin' till sundown.
Policeman: You can't build an open fire in Beverly Hills.
Daisy: Oh, sure you can. All you need is seasoned wood.
Policeman: What I mean is...
[sees Pat Boone]
Policeman: Wait a minute, aren't you Pat Boone? Sure you are. I've got you latest record.
Jed: Boy's got a record?
Policeman: Sure, a bunch of them. Haven't you seen his picture?
Jed: No, we don't get down to the Post Office much.

Jane: I'm particularly anxious to prepare some of the gastronomical delights indigenous to your native hills.
Elly: I sure hope you have some time to do some cookin' too.

Jane: [looking up the exchange rate] Glotnys, yes, they're worth 4 to the dollar.
Milburn: Well that's still almost one billion dollars.
Jane: No Chief, the rate is 4 tons of Glotnys to the dollar.

Jed: [sees Granny tugging on a rope] Whatcha doin?
Daisy: Tryin' to get my rope outta the Drysdale's yard. It musta snagged on somethin' like a root or a stump.
Jed: Or hawg.

Shorty: Jed, you forgettin' we was boys together. We run in a pretty fast crowd and you was the fastest.
Jed: Me?
Shorty: You was the wildest girl-chasin'est rascal in the whole county.
Jed: I was not!
Shorty: Somebody in our crowd was.
Jed: How about you?
Shorty: That's who it was!

Jane: Your cold cure really works?
Daisy: Positively if you follow directions
Booth: By the way, what are the directions?
Daisy: Take one spoonful of cold cure, eat sensible, get lots of rest and drink plenty of water.
Jed: And in a week or ten days, your cold'll be gone.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Listen, to get these peasants to move, I'd dance the Watusi with a keg of nitroglycerin.

Lester: I thought you said Jethro was a light eater.
Jed: He is. He commences eatin' the minute it gets light.

John: The last time I tried to land near the Clampetts in a helicopter, Granny took a shot at me.

Emaline: The police are looking for Emaline Fetty. I gotta change it.
Jethro: Oh yeah... I got it! Elvirna Fetty.
Emaline: I think the Fetty has to go too. What I need is a city name.
Jethro: How about Chicago?
Emaline: No, I mean a Christian name.
Jethro: What about St. Louis?

Daisy: He's on his second jug of flu serum and I don't want him fallin' outa bed.
Jed: Second jug? Mr. Drysdale?
Daisy: Drained the first one dry. He's layin' there sound asleep.
Jed: Well I can believe he's layin' there, but you sure he's just asleep?
Daisy: Of course. What kind of a doctor do you think I am?
Jed: That question is as loaded as Mr. Drysdale.

Jed: Miss Jane got herself a fella.
Daisy: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away!
Jed: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.

Cousin: Now then, I don't know what it takes to get engaged in Tulsa, but in these here hills, you've done enough to get yourself promised, hitched, and honeymooned!

Daisy: You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie?
Jethro: Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks.
Daisy: [to Jed] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I?
Jethro: Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jethro: Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.

Elly: Granny, I think this critter come from Africa.
Daisy: That must be some place in Virginia.

Milburn: Just pack them up and clear out.
Jethro: You keep this up and I'm gonna move to another building.
Milburn: Great!

Jethro: Who's comin'?
Daisy: The widow Poke, the finest cook in Cass county and the purtiest young woman ever to come outta the hills.
Jethro: Hmm, three of 'em, huh?

Miko: What is "white lightning?"
Jed: Well, it's like sake, only with more sock.

Jane: It looks as though you've decided to forgo Mrs. Drysdale's party.
Jethro: Oh yes Ma'am. We is all four goin'.

Leroy: I'm not as fast as the machine, especially with this rheumatism in my hands.
Daisy: Rheumatiz? I got medicine that'll fix that.

Daisy: [Cousin Bessie is sleeping in the back seat, wearing Shorty's hat] Land's sakes! I've heard of a frog turnin' into a prince, but somebody's turned Shorty into a ape. Did you kiss him, Elverna?

Elly: Pa, if you don't leave before Granny gets home, you're gonna catch the dickens.
Jed: I know, Elly.
Elly: Well, she says Miss Phyllis is a gold-diggin' chorus girl just after you for your money.
Jed: Well, I know that too.
Elly: Well, why don't you go?
Jed: Elly, I have invested a whole day and a heap of money just so Granny can have the pleasure of bein' right. I can't spoil it now!

Jane: If you're going to keep on working here at the bank, you're going to have to learn to speak English instead of German.
Ilse: Y - Y - Yes.
Jane: However, when being approached by male employees, you must remember an even more important word - No.
Ilse: N - N - Yes.