500 Best Daisy Moses Quotes

Daisy: There. That ought to hold you. That's a granny knot.

Daisy: Jed, fetch my medical bag.
Jed: Are you hurt, Granny?
Daisy: No, it's for the general.
[Jethro is dressed like Patton]
Jethro: I ain't hurt.
Daisy: I ain't down there yet.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, you get into your good duds and git over there and buy that cake that Elly May baked!
Jed: I don't want that thing.
Daisy: That ain't the idea. You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.

Daisy: [Jethro is trying to put a toe hold on the bull] Is he fightin' it, Jed?
Jed: I don't know if he's fightin' it or tryin' to shoe it.

Jed: I'm tellin' you Granny, you don't have to worry no more about Pearl comin' in your kitchen. She's gonna be spendin' her time gittin' herself a husband with her singin' and yodelin'.
Daisy: Jed, it ain't legal to torture a man into marryin' you.

Jane: I hope you will forgive my momentary bewilderment at this primitive form of ablution, but please let me explain.
Daisy: First explain what you just said.

Daisy: It's exactly one week to Possum Day. Who will be your queen? Will it be Mrs. Drysdale or me? The choice is up to you, but come election day, remember where you got the cider that we's gonna pass out right now.

Daisy: I'm a doctor, not a fortune teller. You give me my bat wings and my newt eggs and my spider webs. I don't want nothin' to do with this black magic.

Daisy: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back.
Daisy: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.

Daisy: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the traditions of the Hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk.
Elly: And I wanna be a vetinin, I mean a vetininin, take care of critters.
Daisy: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank you, Granny.
Jethro: Yeah, thanks Granny.
Daisy: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!

Daisy: Where was you playin', Roy?
Cousin: New Crawdad Room at the Bug Tussle Biltmore.

Jed: My bucket of mortar, it's gone!
Daisy: Jethro must have thought it was grits. He'll eat it.

Jed: Granny, you stay outta there. Two is company, three's a crowd.
Daisy: There's gonna be four of us.
Jed: Four?
Daisy: Them two, me, and my shotgun.

Daisy: Ain't that a sorry sight, a purty girl like Elly, wasting her time running around the neighborhood with an ape, peddling critters. No wonder she's an old maid!

Colonel: This has been an interesting slant on the Civil War.
Daisy: What war?
Jed: He meant to say the War 'Tween the States.
Daisy: It was the war between the North and the U. S. A.

Daisy: Ain't you ever heared of sharks?
Elly: Of course I have.
Daisy: But what will you do if you meet up with one of 'em?
Elly: Nothin' I can do. Pa says I can't bring home no more critters.

Montrose: Would you like to buy Hong Kong?
Daisy: That's that big ape that carried off Faye Wray.
Montrose: Hong Kong is on the coast of China.
Jed: Well, to tell the truth, I ain't too keen on buyin' a Chinese ape.

Jethro: Where we goin', Granny?
Daisy: To that greedy college.
Jethro: I think it's Greely.
Daisy: I think it's greedy... and as long as it is, I'm gonna buy me one of them half-hour doctor certificates.
Jethro: Hey Granny, how about buyin' me one to be a brain surgeon?
Daisy: I'll price it.

Elly: Granny, I think this critter come from Africa.
Daisy: That must be some place in Virginia.

Daisy: If yer too chicken to shoot him, Elly's got her wolves standin' by.

Jethro: That was written by Abraham Lincoln, the president that whupped the South.
Daisy: South was not whupped!
Jethro: Granny, General Lee surrendered to General Grant.
Daisy: He did not! General Lee figgered that Grant was a blacksmith and he handed him his sword so he could sharpen it. And don't you ever forget it!

Daisy: I want everybody in Potts County to know. That's why I'm tellin' Elvirny it's a secret.

Daisy: [Granny is describing women at the supermarket] Oh, it's shameful. Why, them women show more than a sideshow wiggle dancer at a county fair! Ain't you been down there? Ain't you seen 'em?
Jed: No, but you sure put me in a mood to go.

Jed: [Colonel Dumbarton is playing "Turkey in the Straw" on the bagpipes] I wonder how he know that tune.
Daisy: It's the tonic, Jed.

Jed: They ain't got no snow out there. You could run your still the year round.
Daisy: I run it the year round here.
Jed: Yeah, but walkin' down through the snow to the still always makes you feel so miserable.
Daisy: I might feel miserable walkin' down, but the way I feels comin' back makes up fer it.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Each player receives 13 cards.
Granny: Not this player. Nobody gives me 13 of nuthin'.
Jane: But, Granny, that's the way bridge is played.
Granny: Not by me. Give me a lucky dozen. You keep the rest.

Jed: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
Jethro: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
Jethro: He ain't President no more.
Daisy: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Dean: Will you please explain what this little woman wants?
Jethro: Yessir, she wants folks to call her a doctor.
Daisy: And it's high time too.
Dean: Indeed it is.
[picks up the phone]
Dean: Get me Dr. Neimeyer in Psychiatry.

Jethrine: Ma can cook anywhere.
Granny: Let's see her cook where I'm gonna...
[Granny pushes Cousin Pearl into the "ce-ment" pond]

Jed: Now don't get riled up at Pearl. I reckon she's just tryin' to be helpful.
Daisy: She's about as helpful as a alligator in a swimmin' hole.

Jed: Maybe Jethro's smarter'n he seems.
Daisy: Well he'd purt near have to be.

Daisy: When the Drysdales come to eat, they wanna see that bird settin' on the table, not at it.

Daisy: I wanna know to the penny my share of Jed's money. Then I can take it outta that fancy city bank and put it where it's safe... in my mattress.

Daisy: Pull the covers up, Elly, so he don't chill.
Jed: With what he's got in him, he couldn't chill at 30 below.

Daisy: I'll learn you to pick on a poor, weak, helpless ol' lady.
[bends the steel bars on the cage and goes in after the gorilla]
Jethro: Lookit that.
Jed: He hadn't ought to got Granny riled.
Daisy: You're goin' to the woodshed. And when I'm done with you, your heart won't be the only thing burnin'.

Elly: Boy that College of Judo and Karate ain't worth a hoot.
Daisy: Why? What happened?
Elly: Well I went in this big room with a real thick rug on the floor and the teacher come out wearing his pajammers.
Daisy: His pajammers?
Elly: Yeah, and when I told him I wanted to enroll, why he got madder than a rattlesnake with a sore tooth.
Daisy: What'd he get mad about?
Elly: Well I don't know. He musta got outta the wrong side of the bed. Anyway, he commenced shoutin' and choppin' away at me. Why he even tried to trip me.
Daisy: Land sakes. What did you do?
Elly: I give him what fer, bounced him around that rug like a basketball.
Daisy: Good for you, darling.
Elly: I didn't stop thowin' him 'til he offered to gradiate me.
Daisy: Did he gradiate you?
Elly: Yeah, but he didn't give me no cap and gown. All I got was this skinny old black belt.
Daisy: Wait'll I tell your Pa. That college is gonna be short one ornery professor.

Jane: You vanquished him, Granny.
Daisy: Oh I don't know about that, but I whooped the tar out of him.

Daisy: Come back here you hairy little varmint! Get your paw paw-pickin' paws off of my pickled paw paws!

Granny: [Granny whacks Jethro] I'll have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Daisy: Took Mr. Drysdale to work.
Jed: How did he like the buggy ride?
Daisy: Jed, he plumb loved it. When we pulled up in front of the bank, he didn't want to get out.
Jed: He didn't, huh?
Daisy: I had to pry his hands loose. He was hangin' on so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Jed: I got an idea. Let's get us a bull.
Daisy: What?
Jed: Now hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good old-fashioned barbecue.
Daisy: But Jethro will go to fightin' it.
Jed: Not for long. Appears to me there ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of faster than scrappin with a bull.
Daisy: Aren't you afraid he'll get hurt?
Jed: Nah, good stout bull can take care of hisself.

Daisy: We ain't goin' to Pasadena.
Jethro: How else we gonna get Pasadena berries?
Daisy: jethro, Granny just said that to get us outta the house so we wouldn't find out what's got her jumpy as a grasshopper in a chicken pen.

Shifty: I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Jethro: They is friends of yours, huh?
Shifty: Chums, pals. In fact, when we enter the terminal, you may notice several of them converge upon me and begin to ask questions.
Daisy: What kind of questions?
Shifty: Oh, questions concerning unsolved crimes.

Jed: Mark's fixin' to leave.
Daisy: He can't leave, with Elly in that condition.
Jed: What condition?
Daisy: Single.

Elly: You won't hit Pa, will ya Granny?
Daisy: Don't worry honey. I can hit a new laid egg outta the nest without budgin' the hen.

Milburn: Why are you going home?
Daisy: For the Possum Festival.
Jed: You ain't forgot it's comin' on for Possum Day, have you?
Milburn: Of course not. You can celebrate it right here.
Daisy: Bah! We tried that last year.
Jed: It ain't much fun when you're the only ones celebratin'.
Daisy: We drove all over town yellin', "Happy Possum Day!"
Jed: Folks looked at us like we was hangin' off our hinges.

Elly: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.
Daisy: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?
Jed: Pitiful
Jethro: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!
Jed: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.
Daisy: What was it he called that big crawdad?
Elly: That was Lobster Thermidor.
Jethro: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Jed: Well, two heads are better than one.
Daisy: Not when one of them's Jethro.

Shorty: Granny, I'm marryin' a beauty queen.
Daisy: I thought you was marryin' Elverna.

Jed: Pearl, go on ahead. Women and children first. That's the rule.
Cousin: That's the rule for fire, flood, and deesaster.
Jed: [in a low voice] Well it seems to me Granny's tonic oughta fit in there somewheres.
Daisy: I heared what you said, Jed Clampett, and just for that, when it comes your turn, you're gonna get a double dose.

Jed: What's all the ruckus, Granny? Who was that?
Daisy: Dad-blamed revenooer!

Daisy: It's the dream of every woman in the hills to be the First Lady of Bug Tussle.

Daisy: [Jethro and Elly May try to restrain Granny] Ain't you got no respect? Can't you see I got one foot in my grave?
Jethro: No, but I can sure feel the other one in my stomach.
Elly: We dasn't let go, Granny. You'll go down and whomp Mrs. Drysdale.

Captain: I'll take charge and deploy my men on the defense perimeter. We're expecting the offensive to begin at exactly fifteen hundred hours.
Daisy: Poor little fella, ain't even old enough to tell time.

Jed: Now, these small-town boys are different. They're more friendly. You'll get yourself a husband in no time at all.
Elly: I will?
Jed: You play your cards right, you will.
Elly: Well, what do I do?
Jed: Well, first off, you get yourself into a dress, and be your own sweet, purty self, and the first thing you know, some boy will ask you out.
Elly: Well, out where?
Jed: Well, out to a church social, a husking bee, something.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: If you play your cards right, he'll ask you out again, to dance, or moonlight hayride, something real romantic.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: Well, play your cards right, first thing you know, you're married!
Elly: Well, is that all there is to it?
Jed: Elly, I reckon I didn't tell it very good, but, uh, that card-playing can be a heap of fun!
Jed: [later] Granny, I think you best have a talk with Elly about courting and such.
Daisy: I thought you was gonna do that.
Jed: I tried, but the way I left it, first fella that asks for her hand is liable to wind up holding a fistful of cards!

Daisy: She oughta be doin' women's work - helpin' me with the still.

Jed: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.
Granny: What?
Jed: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
Jed: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.
Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?
Jed: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.
Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!
Jed: This way, he can do both!

Daisy: [Granny and Jed are discussing Jethro] Heaven help us. When that boy is around a pretty girl, he plumb loses what *little* sense he's got!
Jed: Does seem to rattle him a mite.
Daisy: Put that boy next to a girl, and he couldn't pour sand out of his boot if the direction were wrote on the heel!

Daisy: Aaaa! Elly May's drownin' my hawg! Quick, Jethro, jump in and pull him out! Give him mouth-to-mouth ressitation!
Jethro: [the hippo opens its jaws and growls] I ain't gettin' close to them jowls till they's on a plate.

Daisy: Mr. Drysdale won't give me my money! He's been slippery footin' around here like a hog on ice. If you ask me, he ain't got it.

Daisy: She'll be lookin' for a grandmother, and after 400 years, her eyes ain't gonna be so good.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, no wonder your daughter's crowdin' 18 and still an old maid.

Daisy: You can help us fight the War of the Roses.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jane: Excuse me, but I think the War of the Roses has already been fought.
Daisy: No, it was supposed to be fought last year, but Sir Chicken here tucked his tail twixt his legs and run.
Jed: I said it before and I'll say it agin. I ain't travelin' 6000 miles to scrap with the folks in the next castle.

Jed: Granny's always felt special close to Gloria Swanson.
Daisy: We is look-a-likes, ya know.
Jethro: You and Gloria Swanson look-a-likes?
Daisy: If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times!
Jethro: Is she kiddin' Uncle Jed?
Jed: No, I've heard it a hundred times myself. Course it was always Granny that said it.

Granny: That there fella's from the peetroleum company.
Jed: What's a peetroleum?
Granny: I dunno. He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slough. I said "Help yerself, we're glad to get rid of the critters"

Daisy: How is your wife takin' all this?
Rex: My wife? Oh, you mean the one they talk about on television.
Daisy: You got more 'n her?
Rex: I'm only married to that one for 30 minutes each day. The rest of the time I'm footloose and fancy free.
Daisy: No wonder the poor woman is half-crazed.

Daisy: My first present is a jar of my homemade pickled owl gizzards. And my second present is free medical treatment.
Lance: Thanks. They go together nicely.

Chemist: If I could write the beauty of your eyes, And in fresh numbers number all of your graces, The age to come would say 'This poet lies; Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces.'
Daisy: What do you make of that, Jed?
Jed: Guess he kinda took a shine to you.

Daisy: She's from one of those fur'n nations.
Jed: Which one?
Daisy: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.

Daisy: I wanna ask Miss Swanson when she's gonna make another picture like "Society Scandal".
Gloria: Ah, "Society Scandal". You remember that one?
Daisy: Yeah, Jed and me seen it twice.
Gloria: Now that was a long time ago.
Daisy: Oh yes, clean last summer.
Gloria: You two attended the silent film festival in Venice?
Jed: No Ma'am. We seen it at the Bijou Theater back in Bug Tussle.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'm warning you, stay away from Lance Bradford. He's my brother's only son. My blood flows in his veins!
Daisy: Well let go, or it'll flow down your chin.

Jed: You know what, Granny? The city of Beverly Hills is gonna have a queen.
Granny: No!
Jed: And you know how they're gonna pick the queen?
Granny: How?
Jed: They're gonna have all the girls run a foot race!
Granny: Well, I'll be switched.

Jane: I can wend my way through the forest to the shores of Table Rock Lake and there I hope to find a family of herons.
Daisy: Well, give em our best.
Jed: Was that the Luke Heron?
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no. The heron I'm looking for stands in the water on his long skinny legs and gobbles up crawdads and frogs in his enormous mouth.
Jed: Well if that ain't Luke Heron, it's his twin brother.

Jed: Mornin' Granny. How's your rheumatiz?
Daisy: What rheumatiz?
Jed: Pearl said you was havin' some twinges last night. That's how come she put a little mountain dew into your squirrel soup.
Daisy: Pearl spiked my soup?
Jed: Yeah, she figgered it would help you to sleep. And you was likin' it too, Granny, you kept askin' for another slug of soup.

Daisy: Elly, you get rid of the ants. I'll start the cookin'.
Elly: What ants?
Daisy: Start with your aunt Pearl.

Jethro: How soon will this mess be ready, Granny?
Daisy: What did you call my vittles?
Jethro: Oh, that's military talk. When us officers eat, we call it a mess and this here is a mess hall.

Elly: Say, Granny, how long ago was this here spinnin' wheel made?
Granny: Oh, that's got to be at least 150 years old.
Elly: What did you use before you got this?

Daisy: You ever cook hog jowls and turnips?
Miko: No.
Daisy: Fatback and grits?
Miko: No.
Daisy: Well how about pigs feet and dandelion greens?
Miko: No.
Daisy: This poor child ain't never had a decent meal.

[to Jethro]
Granny: And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?

Daisy: Fish only looks good in a skillet.

Daisy: [Granny complains about Dash Riprock's treatment of Elly] Why, he struck like a serpent! Before poor, sweet, innocent Elly May knowed what had happened, he spied her, sparked her, spooned her and spurned her!

Jane: You can't plow up this front lawn. There's a zoning ordinance here.
Daisy: Oh, we figger a little fertilizer will take care of that.

Daisy: You ate the whole thing?
Jethro: Yes Ma'am. Didn't have a lot of flavor, but it was mighty fillin'. I never seen anything soak up so much gravy.

Daisy: I sent him over a jar of Dr. Daisy's Cold Turkey Tonic.
Jed: Well, that's a new one on me.
Daisy: Oh, it's a harmless vegetable compound as long as you don't drop it or light a match close to it.

Jed: Granny promised me she wouldn't scrap no more.
Daisy: I'm retirin' undefeated.

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Police: Jethro, me boy, oh will you look at that face. He's got the map of Ireland all over it.
Daisy: I thought I told you to wash.

Jed: Looks like Jethro done all right.
Daisy: Found hisself a girl?
Jed: From here, it looks like he found himself a girl and a half.

Elly: Mrs. Drysdale must be in terrible shape, fightin' mean, scratchin' an clawin' people an everything.
Daisy: How do you know?
Elly: I heard her yellin' clean from upstairs. She says,"Marie, Marie, come and get clawed." Sure enough, pretty soon, this poor girl come a runnin' down and yellin' "Take me to the doctor, I got clawed."
[Claude is Mrs. Drysdale's dog]

Jethro: Uncle Jed, if Granny marries Sam Drucker and he totes her off to Hooterville, you and me is goin' to starve to death. That's a terrible way to go.
Daisy: Elly has cooked some vittles.
Jethro: That's a even worse way to go.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You wouldn't want to miss the honor of being queen.
Daisy: It ain't just the honor, why there's a fortune in prizes, startin' with the weighin' in ceremony.
Jed: First off, the queen gets her wight in possums.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: How exciting.
Daisy: And that ain't all. Then comes the lettin' out ceremony.
Jed: On Possum Day, all the prisoners gets let outta jail.
Daisy: And from then on, its just one big to-do after another.
Jed: Mule-shoein' contest.
Elly: Mud wrasslin' and rock thowin'.
Jethro: Crawdad-eatin' contest.
Daisy: Prizes for the longest hair and the biggest feet.
Jed: Keep talkin' like that and Mrs. Drysdale will hop right on and go with us. Ain't that right, Mrs. Drysdale?

Elly: Granny clobbered him.
Jane: Banzai? Why he's a Judo champion, a Karate champion. He must have 5 or 6 belts.
Daisy: [raising her fist] I give him about four more.

Daisy: Remember what Williams Jennings Bryan said, "Fight hard, but fight clean."
Jethro: Well you ain't fightin' clean, Granny.
Daisy: 'Course I ain't! Williams Jennings Bryan was a loser!

Milburn: I'm trying to establish a rapport with him.
Daisy: If he needs a rap, use this on him.
[hands Mr. Drysdale a switch]

Judge: What else is this hobo charged with?
Bailiff: Transportin' moonshine.
[puts a jug on the Judge's bench]
Judge: Smells like Tennessee Tranquilizer.
Daisy: You got a good nose on you, Judge. That's just what it is.
Judge: Who are you?
Daisy: I'm her Granny and I made that stuff you're sniffin'.
Judge: You may approach the bench.
[whispers to Granny]
Judge: How would you like to go fishin' too?
Daisy: Can I take Elly and her bear with us?
Judge: I insist on it.
Daisy: It's a deal.
Judge: Bailiff, is there any more of this here evidence?
Bailiff: Yes, your honor, 3 jugs.
Judge: I want it all impounded on my boat. Court's adjourned.

Daisy: The whole family's gonna get et up. Them sharks is gonna be havin' Clampett chowder.

Daisy: I still don't mind sharin' a bed with Elly May, but I draw the line when it comes to sharin' with them others.
Jed: What others?
Daisy: Well there was a owl, and a squirrel, a crow, and a fox, a possum, and a skunk, and a porkypine.

Jed: Who's this young feller?
Daisy: His name is Pat Boone, Jed. He smelled my collards cookin' and come a-runnin'.
Jed: Well, glad to have you, son. Where you from?
Pat: Tennessee.
Jed: By doggies, I've known Granny's collards to pull 'em in from a long way off, but this is a new record.

Daisy: Let's get back to my Shakespeare.
Chemist: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Daisy: He just can't keep his mind on business.
Jed: I told you, Granny, that rascal's took with you.

Daisy: It's been a whole year since the Drysdales set down at the table with us. We gotta put on the dog.
[Duke howls]
Milburn: Don't worry, Duke. When folks says they's puttin' on a dog, it means they's doin' things fancy.

Granny: You can't get acquainted with these folks out here. I've been tryin' all mornin'. I put on my friendly hat, brung out my rocker and a jug of hard cider, and I've been settin' here wavin' and hollerin' at folks and pointin' to my jug.
Jed: And nobody stopped?
Granny: Only a policeman. That's where my jug went. He took it to the police station.
Jed: I bet you got a bunch of friends down there by now.

Jethro: Where you gonna sleep?
Daisy: I can sleep anyplace. I got a warm blanket, a loaded shotgun, and a full jug.

Spaceman #1,181963: Grazie, grazie, grazie.
Daisy: I ain't got no grassy. You'll eat grits and like it!

Miss: Isn't there a bathroom?
Daisy: Oh sure. Right through that door yonder.
Miss: This leads outside.
Daisy: That's where it is.

Daisy: Where was they goin' in such a hurry? That's the first time Jethro ever run that fast away from the kitchen.

Daisy: Elly, you go get Duke. We'll give her a big Beverly Hills welcome.
Jed: Beverly Hills welcome?
Daisy: I'll slam the door in her face and Elly'll sic the dog on her.

Milburn: I'm on your side.
Daisy: Good. That makes three of us.
Milburn: And we'll win! Who's the third one?
Daisy: Jethro.
Milburn: Maybe we'll win anyway.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You're a scourge and a pestilence and an abomination!
Daisy: Sister Drysdale, maybe I'm a little over sensitive, but I got a feelin' that you ain't altogether pleased.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Pleased? I'm inconsolable!
Daisy: Oh good! I was worried.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh what's the use. I'm going to give you an ultimatum!
Daisy: Well that's real neighborly of you, but I ain't got nothin' ready to give you.

Elly: What's that about my new maid?
Jethro: Jethro's enamored of her.
Daisy: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.

Jed: How's Jethro?
Daisy: Oh, he'll recover. The operation was a success.
Jed: Oh, you operated?
Daisy: Took out 10 pounds of mortar.
Jed: Had to cut him open, huh?
Daisy: No. I just reached down his gullet and pulled it out. First, I had to beat on his belly a little to bust it up.

Jed: Whatcha cookin' tonight, Granny?
Daisy: Mustard greens and possum innards.
Jed: Mmm-mmm. Did you hear that Mr. Brewster?
John: Very clearly.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: What's the use of trying to talk to you people? You're illiterate cretins!
Daisy: Was that good or bad?
Jethro: Hard to tell. It could go either way.

Jed: I'm goin' back to bed.
Daisy: You mean you ain't goin' to fight with yer family?
Jed: I been fightin' with you for 2 days.
Daisy: I mean shoulder to shoulder agin Grant and his bushwhackin' fureigners.

Daisy: [Cousin Bessie is sleeping in the back seat, wearing Shorty's hat] Land's sakes! I've heard of a frog turnin' into a prince, but somebody's turned Shorty into a ape. Did you kiss him, Elverna?

Daisy: That's a scarecrow you're settin' on you stupid crow. Scare! Is he one of yours?
Elly: No ma'am. Can I have him?

Shorty: This is the money I got from the silver mine. Sold out to a Syndicate from Reed Springs. Fred Syndicate.
Jed: I don't believe I know Fred.
Shorty: He'll make a fortune outta that silver mine. Plans to hide a still in there and sell moonshine.
Daisy: Shorty, did you ever take any silver outta that mine?
Shorty: Just once. Found a spoon somebody dropped.

Elly: This here little feller is what you call a jaguar.
Granny: Where'd he come from?
Elly: Critter doctor over to the zoo said he comes all the way from South America.
Granny: Down Louisiana way. Nice country.

Jewelry: Now, this is the engagement ring.
Jethro: Thank you.
Jewelry: You might, in a subtle way of course, let the bride know that she is getting ten perfect carats.
Jed: Well that's mighty nice of you.
Daisy: Nice, my foot. After the money you spent, he could at least send her a smoked ham.
Jewelry: And here are madame's lovely earrings and necklace.
Daisy: How many carrots did I git?
Jewelry: About fifty, but of course they're not perfect.
Daisy: Well in that case, I'll take turnips.
Jewelry: And for mademoiselle, this beautiful diamond bracelet.
Elly: Do I get some carrots too?
Jewelry: Oh yes indeed, about thirty.
Jed: You sure are generous with your vegetables.
Jewelry: So are you, sir. You're going to be sending me a lot of cabbage.
Jed: I am?
Jewelry: Yes, cabbage is money.
Jed: Well, your store, but I'll be dogged if I see how you stay in business.

Jed: All up and down the beach, folks was pickin' up fish and puttin' them in the bucket.
Daisy: What fer?
Jed: Near as I can figger, when the Grunion comes in, you throw the fish at 'em.
Daisy: That ain't gonna turn back no invasion.
Jed: Now Granny, you get hit in the face with a bucket of fish and you ain't exactly gonna feel welcome.

Jed: I dug up all the rockin' chairs we got, Granny, but they ain't gonna be enough for all the old folks to rock.
Daisy: Well I'll pass around my rheumatiz medicine and them that ain't rockin' will think they is.

Daisy: [singing] I am cookin' grits and jowls, Billy Boy Billy Boy/ I am cookin' grits and jowls darling Billy/And my vittles will be safe now that we is rid of Lafe/He's a good-fer-nuthin' low-down lazy varmint.

Daisy: He had to set the table for me. Durn fool had 5 forks at every plate, 4 knives, and 3 spoons.

Daisy: Would you like a golf egg?
Leo: A what?
Daisy: A boiled golf egg. Boiling 'em made 'em kind of rubbery and that yolk is black as coal. Maybe put a lot of salt on it, that'll fix 'em up.

Jethro: I could use some smoking jackets.
Daisy: What yer gonna get is some smokin' britches!

Daisy: It was the most disgusting, disgraceful sight. I wanted to cover my eyes.
Jed: Why didn't you?
Daisy: Cause, I'd a fell off the roof.
Jed: You just happened to be sittin' up there on the roof at 4 o'clock in the mornin'?

Daisy: [to Jed] It ain't what you got, it's what you ain't got, that's ailing you.
Jed: Well, what is it we ain't got?
Daisy: I could tell you in three words: fe-male company.

Daisy: I don't want no revenooers snoopin' around. They're the lowest form of varmints. Even he was ashamed of bein' one.
Jed: He was?
Daisy: Called it the Infernal Revenue Service.

Jed: I just don't want you to do no matchmakin'.
Daisy: Matchmakin'? Why I don't know what yer talkin' about. Every man is free to pick his own wife.
Jed: A man picks his own wife like a tomato picks a farmer, especially with you workin' the patch.

Daisy: Californy weather has took my appetite.
Jethro: Well it ain't took mine. I'm starvin!
Daisy: Go eat some smog.
Jed: You may have just solved one of the biggest problems out here, Granny. If he can trap that stuff on a plate, he might just get rid of it.

Jethrine: Ma gets a kick outa runnin' things.
Daisy: She's gonna get a kick that she ain't lookin' fer. I'm gonna boot her so hard that every time she sets down, she'll leave my footprints.

Daisy: You put it smack dab right in the middle of this room.
Cousin: Don't you dare! This floor's clean enough to eat off of.
Daisy: Good. Elly, fetch my pot of jowls off of the stove
Cousin: You splatter one drop of jowl juice on this floor and I'll wrap this spinnin' wheel around your neck.
Daisy: You touch that spinnin' wheel and there'll be more than jowl juice splattered on this floor.
Cousin: You lay a hand on me and I'll bash you over the head so hard your shoes will have three toes.

Daisy: Then what I call my Heavenly Hash, that's grits, chitlins, possum belly, hog jowls, and catfish, all minced together and simmered in gopher gravy, topped with poached hawk eggs.
Jed: Mmm mmm, now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.
John: I'll try.

Daisy: This here is my special Christmas gift pack, chock full of good things to eat.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Oh, it's simply beautiful! What are these divine-looking morsels?
Daisy: Well up here we have deviled hawk eggs, pickled crow gizzards, possum sausages, candied catfish, and over here we have some larrupin'-good little teensy owl burgers.

Jed: Did you get our 45 million from Mr. Drysdale?
John: Every cent of it. It's all safe and sound, right in the Merchants Bank.
Jed: That's dandy. We'd like to see it... in cash.
John: I haven't got it.
Jed: Well Granny?
Daisy: Dogged if he didn't go through it quicker than Mr. Drysdale.
Jed: I think we'd be better off back with him.

Jed: You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes!
Daisy: Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?

Daisy: Jed, can I have my glasses and shotgun back?
Jed: You could have had your glasses if you hadn't asked for the shotgun.
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Jed: I'm afraid you still got it in for Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: Well I asked the Lord to fill my heart with love for the woman, like you said.
Jed: Did He do?
Daisy: Jed, is it my fault that he don't like her neither?

Jed: You fixin' to go wadin'?
Elly: No sir, Pa.
Daisy: Well your skirt is short enough for it.
Jed: That's a fact. You're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.
Elly: Oh! This here's whatcha call a mini skirt.
Daisy: Minnie who?
Jed: Sure can't be Minnie Pearl.

Daisy: That girl is so sweet that when she squeezes lemons, you don't need sugar.

Daisy: They've had a long hard winter back home.
Elly: I know, she said back to our cabin, the snow was 3 feet deep.
Daisy: And even deeper outside.

Daisy: I'm goin' back home to the hills, where men is men and fish is fish, and they stays that way.

Bailiff: He said he'd suspend your $100 fine.
Daisy: There he goes, spendin' our money agin.

Jethro: These are the last 2 jugs of moonshine in the root cellar, Granny. Can I have somethin' to eat now?
Daisy: What did you call that?
Jethro: Moonshine. Can I have somethin' to eat now? I'm starvin'.
Daisy: That is flu serum!
Jethro: Granny, that's corn squeezin's.
Daisy: You want somethin' to eat?
Jethro: Sure do.
Daisy: Then tell me agin what this is.
Jethro: Oh, that's flu serum.

Jed: [Granny ordered Jethro to mount the Confederate flag on the truck] I ain't just sure that that is the official state flag.
Daisy: Jed, this is Southern California.
Jed: Right you are.

Daisy: But my shotgun's in the cabin, there.
Jane: No no no Granny, Granny Please, Mr. Drysdale knows the law. He knows how to handle the situation.
Daisy: So do I... with buckshot.

Jethro: I ain't been wastin' time, Granny. I been goin' to cool school.
Daisy: What kind of a fool school is cool school?

Daisy: That wild young'un. I'm so dadburn mad I could bite nails.
Jed: Granny, I reckon you forgot how it feels to be in love.
Daisy: Why do you suppose I'm so dadburn mad?

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You've always been a thorn in my side.
Daisy: I can change that to a fist in your mouth!

Granny: [after Granny ran a foot race against Elly May] Who won, Jed?
Jed: Well when you passed me, appears like Elly was out in front of you a little.
Granny: That don't mean nothin'! She's out in front of me standing still.

Elly: Granny, what's that rope fer?
Daisy: To lasso my whale. He's too big for a hook and line.

Jethro: Hey Uncle Jed! You shoulda seen Granny whoop Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: I was protecting our property. She was tresspassin'.
Jed: Maybe she come over to talk, just to get somethin' off her chest.
Jethro: She sure did. Granny was sittin' on it.

Daisy: Are you sure the food's good in here?
Night: Yes madame, yes.
Daisy: I don't see no truck drivers. That's always a good sign when the truck drivers eat at a place.

Daisy: [Using her mind-reading potion to find out what Mrs. Drysdale wants for Christmas] Wait, I see it, clear as a bell. It's shoes! She wants new shoes.
Jed: Granny, them's your shoes. Your potion done et through the table.

Cousin: Dried crawdad tails.
Granny: Ooo, big rascals too. When they is ground up to powder, you can't beat it for easin' headaches, curing warts, and seasonin' sauerkraut.

Daisy: Jed, I'm plumb tuckered out. Fetch my jug. After a few jolts, I'll be able to see more.
Jed: Yeah, two of everythin'.

Daisy: Now you run along and get into some clothes.
Elly: Yes'm Granny. See you later Mr. Farquhar?
Lowell: Definitely.
Daisy: Back home in the hills, if a man was to see a girl dressed like that, he'd have to marry her.
Lowell: That's a fine custom.

Daisy: Just let a doctor walk in like I done and ask for a simple healin' drug like bullnettle root and wahoo bark and they look at ya like you was some kind of a nut!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: [Mrs. Drysdale is learning how to make lye soap] I've lost my coiffure, my mascara, and my manicure.
Daisy: Well best forget about 'em, honey. If they fell in that soap, they is dissolved by now.

Jed: You know somethin' Granny, these newspapers that Pearl uses for packin' and wrappin' is just about my favorite part of them packages from home.
Granny: What's new, Jed? Anything excitin'?
Jed: You bet. Look at that headline, "Government Puts 3 Men on Moon".
Granny: No!
Jed: Yep. Says right here, 3 government men have been put on the job of findin' local still and cuttin' off the supply of moon bein' made hereabouts.

Jethro: Hot diggety dog! Is this ship our'n?
Daisy: No. I think it's wood.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.
Jed: Turn her loose!
Jethro: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.
Granny: Can you?
Janet: No I can't!
Jane: I can Jethro, capture me!

Cedric: I'm Cedric Giles-Evans from the firm representing the estate of your distant cousin, the late Marcus.
Jed: Well I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Evans. This here is Granny and my daughter, Elly May.
Daisy: Howdy.
Jed: He says that my cousin Marcus is late.
Cedric: Um, he's deceased.
Jed: Oh, he's in luck 'cause Granny's a doctor.
Elly: What kind of disease does he got?

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Look what this lye soap has done to my hands!
Daisy: Yeah. They is nice and pink and rosy, ain't they?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Raw! Raw! Raw!
Daisy: I don't blame you for cheerin'.

Daisy: Jed, how in the name of Stonewall Jackson can the army give him two guns and a tank, when he's dangerous enough with a knife and fork?

Jed: It just don't seem neighborly for us to keep to ourselves the way we do.
Daisy: It ain't us that's stand-offish, it's our neighbors. They were from the very start. Why when we moved in here, nary a one of 'em lifted a finger to help us.
Jed: But they didn't know we was movin' in, Granny. Since then, every single one has offered to help us move out.

Daisy: The greatest speech that was ever spoke was spoked in Gettysburg by the greatest president of them all, Jefferson Davis.
Milburn: No Granny. That was Abraham Lincoln.
Daisy: That's two boners in a row for you!
Jed: Now Granny, don't get riled.
Daisy: Well he better watch his Yankee tongue.

Daisy: She's the one that jilted poor Jethro.
Sandra: Oh, I only did it to save him.
Daisy: Save him?
Sandra: Yes, well, I'm only a commoner and he's royalty. Well, if he'd married me, the Queen would have cut off his head.

Daisy: Hold on a minute. I don't wanna tangle with no soldier in the Confederate gray.
Wilkins: This is not a Confederate uniform. Now remove your hand and lead me to Master Armstrong.
Daisy: And if I don't?
Wilkins: I'll have to take him by force.
Daisy: Is that a fact?
Wilkins: Like Grant took Richmond.
Daisy: What did you say?
Wilkins: A shall take him like Grant took Richmond.
Daisy: That's what I thought you said.
[Granny throws Wilkins out the front door]

Daisy: [wearing a mini skirt] No 400 year old ghost will mistake me for a grandmother in this.

Daisy: [to Elly] Why don't you make him some of those great big donuts?
Mark: I love donuts.
Daisy: Hers ain't to be believed.
Mark: Sounds like I'll be in heaven tonight.
Daisy: Oh, we won't let you eat that many.

Daisy: Jethro will know what them big words means. He's been plumb through the 6th grade.
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All you gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In, compat, able, overt, offense.
Daisy: What does it mean?
Jethro: It means: you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.

Justin: Today, we no longer have to rely on such things as prognosticating beetles.
Daisy: Don't you call my beetles whatever it is you just called them!

Daisy: You know where my mink coat is right now?
Jed: Where?
Daisy: In the top of a tree, full a baby eagles.
Jed: Now Granny.
Daisy: Their mama and me fought nigh over ten minutes for that coat, but with them claws on her, she could get a better purchase on it.

Shorty: I'm goin' down to the cement pond to get a look at that Mark Templeton. I ain't never seen a feller that's half frog.
Daisy: Well don't let him get you under the water or he'll turn you into a frog.
Shorty: You're joshin'.
Daisy: Oh no I ain't. And if that happens, there's only two ways to turn you back.
Shorty: What are they?
Daisy: Take you to Dr. Klingner or get you kissed by a pretty girl.
Shorty: I'll take the pretty girl.

Daisy: I'm in some crazy town called Las Vegas. This place makes Saturday night in Bugtussle look like Sunday mornin' in Sibley.

Rex: [Granny lifts up the back of Rex's toupee] I think I feel a draft.
Daisy: I don't doubt it. You ever been through a Injun raid?

Daisy: We hadn't oughta let that critter doctor court Elly May.
Jed: Why not?
Daisy: Cuz he's the one that give her all these. If he come courtin' her regular, we'll end up with more varmints than the zoo.
Jed: Now look on the bright side, Granny. She's got everything, ain't no new ones he can give her.

Jed: Come on, Herb. Come on and show Granny how nice you look.
[the gorilla enters wearing clothes]
Jed: What do you think, Granny?
Daisy: He looks like Lafe Crick.
Jed: Them is Lafe's overalls he's wearin'. Good thing he left 'em behind.

Elly: [Elly May wakes up and stretches] Good mornin', Granny.
Granny: [Watching Elly Mae stretch] Watch them buttons, Child.

Jethro: Who's comin'?
Daisy: The widow Poke, the finest cook in Cass county and the purtiest young woman ever to come outta the hills.
Jethro: Hmm, three of 'em, huh?

Jed: By doggies, it happened just the way Mr. Shafer said it would. Them New York police sure was glad to see him.
Daisy: We no sooner set foot in the building when three of them came rushin' up to him.
Jethro: Grabbed him by the arms and purt near carried him out.

Daisy: Jed, no man is ready to get married, you gotta git him ready, like you git a steer ready for slaughter.
Jed: Cain't you find somethin' else to compare it to?

Daisy: Bah! Big mouth attractive? Why that girl is so homey, if she dropped her handkerchief in a boy scout camp, she'd have to pick it up herself.
Elverna: Victoria Rose is the belle of this county. Believe me, a lot of men are going to be miserable when she gets married.
Daisy: Really? How many men is she marryin'?

Ginny: Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance!
Jed: Granny, you ever hear of that dance?
Daisy: No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.

Granny: Is she gittin' a hold of herself, Jed?
Jed: No Granny, so fer it's mostly me.

Louellen: Is Jethro here?
Daisy: Oh, I was afraid you was gonna ask that. Better come over here and set down, honey, I got some bad news for you.
Louellen: Has something happened to Jethro?
Daisy: Oh no. He's the same as ever. Of course, in a way, I guess that's bad news right there.

Shifty: I'm really not hungry.
Daisy: You will be when you know what I got. I got groundhog meatballs, beaver tails fried in possum fat, and a roast breast of buzzard.
Shifty: I give you my word. I couldn't eat a bite.

Daisy: If Cousin Marcus has dropsy, he better be turned over every now and then.
Cedric: You know, Madame, I'd rather imagine he's turning over at this very moment.

Daisy: Elly May Clampett, did you drag home another pussy cat?
Elly: No, this here's a special one. I been helpin' the critter doctor over to the zoo, and he let me bring this here one home cuz his ma was bein' mean to it.
Daisy: Husky little critter. Oughta be a good mouse catcher when he gets growed.
Elly: We can't keep him that long. Why the critter doctor says he gets to be 8 or 10 feet long. He's a lion.
Daisy: He sure is. Even a bobcat don't get that big.

Jed: [to the chemist] You can mail us the Shakespeare.
Daisy: [to the chemist] Bring it yourself, honey.

Daisy: When did you leave Tennessee?
Pat: Oh, 15 years ago.
Daisy: Whatcha been doin' all that time?
Pat: Singin' mainly.
Daisy: Oh, no steady work, huh?

Daisy: Howdy all you folks out there in television land. I'm fixin' to show you how I make Snyder's Surprise Soup. It's named after Snyder's Swamp back home cuz it's made from all the critters who live there. First, you start with a good rich gator stock. I reckon some of you city folks calls it elligator, but back home we don't use the *Elli*.
Elly: Did you call me, Granny.

Jed: Well Granny, if it'll ease your mind, why don't you go down there and see for yourself what's goin' on.
Daisy: I cain't. The young'uns bugged out with the wheels, I mean left in the truck. Doggone it! Now they got me talkin' that nonsense.

Daisy: Who are you, lovely, talented girl.
Elly: My name is Elly May.
Daisy: Well Elly May, you sure do make a fine candle.
Elly: Thank you, ma'am.
Daisy: I bet you nobody here has ever seen anything shaped as good as that. And the candle ain't bad neither.

Daisy: He proposed to me by mail once, but Elly's bear et my letter.

Jed: [while the airplane is taking off] By doggies, if he gits to goin' much faster, this thing is gonna leave the ground.
Daisy: Don't look now, but it is leavin' the ground.
Jed: Jethro, you better get up there and tell that bus driver to slow down.

Jane: What kind of a cook are you?
Daisy: I'm a cook with a stove that don't draw, food that's froze solid, chickens that can't be caught, eggs that can't be broke and a smart-alecky city woman tellin' me my business.
Jane: Mind your tongue little woman I can have your job.
Daisy: You sure can and the sooner the better.

Cousin: [Granny and Pearl, making sure that Jed can overhear them] Hey Granny?
Daisy: Yeah, Pearl.
Cousin: If you had a beau drivin' up in a fancy car and a huggin' and a kissin' you, uh, wouldn't you want your kinfolk to meet that beau?
Daisy: I sure would, Pearl, especially if I was givin' that beau expensive presents.
Cousin: You mean like a diamond choker?
Daisy: That's what I mean.
Cousin: You know, I hear tell that French women is real fond of jewelry.
Jed: If you two are tryin' to make somethin' outa what just happened outside, you can leave off before you git started. All I was doin' was returnin' that lady's dog and that diamond choker was the dog's collar.
Cousin: Say Granny?
Daisy: Yeah Pearl.
Cousin: What do you reckon that red stuff was smeared on Jed's cheeks.
Daisy: I reckon he cut hisself returnin' that dawg.
Cousin: Either that or his lady friend scratched herself on his whiskers when she kissed him.

Daisy: See you in a couple a weeks.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Stay as long as you like.

Daisy: Oh please, Eck, where is Elly's cake?
Eck: Right over there.
Daisy: You're usin' it for a millstone?
Eck: The best I've ever had.

Daisy: Jed, you go out there and do your duty to your female cousin. Ask that city fella what he'd rather git, married or buried?
Jed: Now Granny, I don't hold with gittin' folks married unless they's willin'.
Daisy: Pearl's got enough willin' fer both of 'em.

Jed: Let me smell your breath.
Daisy: Not while you're smokin'.
Jed: I thought so.

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Elly: Whatcha gonna fix, Granny?
Daisy: My courtship special, turnip greens and tonic gravy.

Daisy: Sit down, Lester. Have some breakfast.
Lester: No thank you, Granny. I had one of Gladys' hoecakes first thing this mornin'.
Jed: Well that ain't enough to hold a man who was choppin' wood at the crack of dawn.
Lester: I wasn't choppin' wood, I was tryin' to slice that hoecake.

Daisy: Put down the vittles.
Jethro: They won't be safe.
Jed: Put em down boy.
[Jethro puts them down]
Jed: Now they's safe.

Daisy: Get Mr. Drysdale home alright, Jed?
Jed: Yep, but it was hard as braidin' a mule's tail at fly time.
Daisy: I suspect he was a mite over-tonic'ed, ha.
Jed: I reckon he was. He grabbed his wife and went to huggin' and kissin' again. I was halfway home and she come runnin' after me, yellin' and screamin'.
Daisy: Scared of him?
Jed: No, she just wanted to give ya this for a refill.
[hands Granny an empty bottle]

Daisy: If we had stayed in England and feuded with that next castle, like we were honor-bound to do, Elly May and Jethro wouldn't be out there in the woods, cold and hungry... and probably being et by the wolves.
Jed: If Jethro's hungry, you'd better worry about the wolves.

Daisy: With Jethro here, every meal time was a kind of a test for myself to see if I could cook enough to fill that bottomless pit of his. I never made it, but it was always somethin' to shoot fer.

Milburn: I was supposed to get a lot of money.
Daisy: That is a lot of money. Why back home, with five dollars, you can buy enough land to live off of and enough moonshine to make livin' worthwhile.

Daisy: That cake that Elly baked, they're usin' it for a millstone.
Shorty: No.
Daisy: Yeah, Eck Bozeman is grindin' corn with it.

Jethro: Which room do you want me to put your dentist chair in, Granny?
Daisy: I think I'll just let you bolt it down to the bed of the truck.
Jed: You figger to practice here on the truck?
Daisy: Why not? You know how people hate to go to the dentist. This way, the dentist will go to the people.
Jed: You think folks is ready fer curb service dentistry?
Daisy: Ready, willin' and anxious. Why just driving along, the minute they seen this chair, their mouths just fell open.

Daisy: Elly honey, run up to the house and fetch us a jug. A body's throat gets a little dry singin' harmony.

Mr. Pinckney: I'd like to prepare for you a gourmet dinner.
Daisy: [whispering to Jed] What do ya reckon a gourmet is?
Jed: [in a low voice] I dunno, but if he fries it good in lard, I reckon we can eat it.

Daisy: And when your money's gone, she'll drop you. What'll you do then?
Jed: I'll get into bed with a hot water bottle and you can fetch me some liniment.

Daisy: I fixed him a steamin' hot bowl of owl soup, and you know what he said?
Jed: No, what?
Daisy: He said, "It's cool, Mama, real cool."
Jed: [Jed picks up the empty bowl] Well, he sure cleaned it up.
Daisy: That's another thing. All the time he was slurpin' it down, he kept sayin', "This is too much."

Daisy: Rooster crows before he goes to bed, he'll wake up with a soggy head.

Jethro: Can I have the rest of the stew now?
Jed: Give it to him, Granny.
Daisy: Shall I give him the bone too?
Jed: If you can stand the noise.

Jed: She mean-mouths you one more time, I'm gonna have to turn you loose.
Daisy: May the bluebird of happiness flutter over your head, Elverna.
Elverna: Are you gonna come down here or do I have to come up and get you? You snivelin' polecat.
Jed: That did it, Granny. Go git her.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett tells me that you've conjured up some sort of love charm for Elly May.
Elly: Right chere it is, made out of old secrets.
Jane: That is ludicrous, irrational, sophomoric, and pure hokum.
Daisy: [Granny laughs] You didn't even guess one ingredient.

Daisy: [Jane is holding a condor egg] Where'd you get the egg, Miss Jane?
Jane: Oh, Professor Biddle brought it to me.
Daisy: I'd sure like to get a look at his chickens.

Daisy: Alright, you can cook. I reckon you need the money. Why don't you do something with these hog jowls, grits, and collard greens.
Mrs. Meek: I don't take out garbage.

Daisy: I'm going to give you and Mr. Drysdale a general anesthesia.
Jethro: You mean you're gonna knock us out with that mallet?
Daisy: Maybe not. Your head is too thick and his is too thin. I'll give you gas. Go stick yer head in the oven.

Daisy: We dasn't wait any longer to get that girl a husband. Cousin Pearl says that folks back home are beginnin' to talk, askin' about your spinster daughter.
Jed: That's back in the hills. Out here, girls seen to reach their prime a mite later.
Daisy: Now Jed, lets not fool ourselves with city talk. You know and I know that prime is 14. Anything over that and you're slidin' downhill.

Police: Lady, are you daft?
Daisy: No. I can hear fine.

Elly: Whenever we were in trouble, the quarterback would call my number.
Daisy: And you'd tell him what to do on the phone, huh?
Elly: No, I was in the game. He'd call on me to take a hand off.
Jed: Take your hand off what?

Daisy: Whatcha been eatin'?
Pat: Oh, steak mostly, lobster, prime rib, shrimp.
Daisy: Well, I reckon when you get hungry enough, you can eat anything.

Daisy: You can't hardly find a bear in Georgia ever since Sherman's retreat to the sea.

Granny: We sure would be proud to have y'all come and take Thanksgiving vittles with us.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Sonny and I wouldn't think...
Milburn: ...of passing up an invitation like that. We'll be there.

Daisy: Jethro, I want you to wear this uniform with pride and valor, like my grand daddy wore it in the great war.
Jethro: Granny, that's a Confederate uniform!
Daisy: You bet it is, and this is the sword he used to defend our country when the North invaded America!

Jethro: We is gettin' married tomorrow in Westminster Abbey.
[Granny groans]
Jethro: I never seen Granny so happy. I'm gonna go tell Elly.
Jed: Have you told her uncle?
Jethro: She's gonna tell him. He's gonna give her away.
Daisy: He's got her priced right.

Daisy: This is a pecan twirl with kumquat icing. On his last birthday, Jethro ate one of these in 2 minutes flat, candles and all... and they was still burnin'!

Daisy: After the casserole, I'm bringin' on a steamin' platter of tadpole turnovers.
Jed: Mmm mmm

Telegraph: The message concludes, " Will call on arrival".
Daisy: Well, that's a good joke on Sam. He ain't got no rival. Ha. We ain't gonna tell him that. My motto is to keep 'em guessin'. Once they get to thinkin' they're the only rooster in the henhouse, you're in trouble.

Jed: Fixin' somethin' special for Lester and Earl, are you?
Daisy: I'm startin' out with cow cud casserole.

Daisy: [about champagne] It beats me how anybody can get juiced on that sody pop! Ain't got no wallop at all!

Elly: Sure am glad we brought the truck to London. It's dandy for sight-seein'.
Daisy: Yeah, and we're the sight everybody is seein'. You see how folks are starin' and pointin' at us. They know we run out on the feud.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jed: She's right, Uncle Jed. Ain't no other reason they'd be laughin' at us.

Jane: What in the world is that smell?
Daisy: Ain't it tantalizin'? I'm cooking up a mess of my special swamp surprise.
Jane: Swamp surprise? What's in it?
Daisy: Well it's a secret, but I'll tell you. It's crawdads, brisket of alligator, screech owl giblets, diced water moccasin and other swamp critters all simmered in a rich hearty toad stock.
Jane: I'm sorry I asked.

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Daisy: I'm the only one with the gumption to hold a grudge! It's a sorry thing when a poor old, stove-up, wore-out, gray-haired old Granny has to do all the grudge holdin' in the family.

Jethro: I'm killin' myself.
Jed: When?
Jethro: Right now.
Jed: How are you doin' it?
Jethro: I'm starvin to death.
Daisy: Starvin' to death?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I ain't had no vittles all day. Another few minutes and I'll be dead.

Daisy: I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on, that Mr. Brewster.
Jed: Well now Granny, Pearl's a widow woman. She's got a right to look.
Daisy: I ain't knockin' it. I got my eyes open myself.

Daisy: Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'll stump Beverly Hills from one end to the other.
Daisy: Sit down, Granny.
Jed: So will Mrs Drysdale, and she knows everybody and her dog.
Daisy: Just drive the truck, boy.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I've got experience on my side. I've run for Possum Queen 47 times.
Jed: Yeah, but you ain't never won.
Jed: [Granny starts hitting Jethro] Sit down, Granny. Drive the truck, boy. Sit down, Granny. Drive the truck, boy.

Jane: I can't believe that Jethro would actually rocket himself into the air and expect to fly.
Jed: It's all he can think about anymore. Ain't nuthin' in his head but space.
Daisy: You can say that agin.
Jed: Well, I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. What I meant was the boy... I believe I'll let it stand.

Jed: Roy's goin' back home cause Jethro won't take 10% of him.
Daisy: The only thing that boy's got 10% of is a brain.

Jed: Mrs Drysdale is what city folks calls a... what was it her husband called her Granny?
Daisy: A hypochondriac.
Jed: Yeah, that means she drinks a little.
Daisy: A little? Her own husband said her bedroom was full o' bottles.

Daisy: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
Jed: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
Jethro: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
Daisy: A bear?
Jethro: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.

Daisy: How do you like your possum, Mr. Farquhar, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?
Lowell: I beg your pardon, did you say "Possum"?

The: Where are those sniveling cowards from Tennessee?
Daisy: There ain't no such thing as a snivelin' coward from Tennessee!

Mr. Pinckney: You are never to address me as Arthur, only as Mr. Pinckney, sir.
Daisy: I ain't no sir!
Jed: I wouldn't fault him for that. Maybe he don't see so good, he's lost half his glasses.

Elly: Granny, it's for your health. Why Mr. Drysdale says it lowers your kesterol.
Jethro: That's cholester oil.
Daisy: Well it lowered his till it was draggin'.

Daisy: Eye of a newt, hair of a dog, cure the part of him that's frog.

Daisy: [Elly May brings in a critter in a cage] What kind of a varmint is that?
Elly: It's what Mrs. Drysdale wants most of all for Christmas, a mink.
Jed: Elly May, Mrs. Drysdale especially wanted a full-length mink. This one fit the bill?
Elly: Yes sir, it's as long as they come.
Jed: I know the answer to this, but I'm gonna ask you anyway. You didn't by any chance steal this critter, did you?
Elly: No sir.
Jed: Well, I know'd you hadn't, but Mrs. Drysdale made such a point of it. She said she didn't want no mink stole.

Milburn: Lady Clementine hasn't eaten in 400 years.
Jed: 400 years?
Daisy: She'll be hungrier than Jethro.

Daisy: Are you the goomer who gives away doctor certificates?
Dean: What?
Daisy: Yep, it's you. I'll take one.

Daisy: [about Marie, the upstairs maid, who curtsies when she greets the Clampetts] Ain't nothin' wrong with that girl what some good cookin' will cure her. She's half-starved.
Jed: Poor thing is so weak, her knees keep to bucklin' on her.

Elly: A feller on the radio last night said that Beverly Hills folks is bein' robbed by a cat burglar.
Daisy: Cat burglar?
Jed: By doggies, I can almost understand a starvin' man turnin chicken thief, but why in tarnation would anybody want to steal cats?
Elly: Maybe he's got a powerful lot of mice.

Jed: Now Granny, you do the right thing and take this horse back where you bought it.
Daisy: I don't think they'll take it back. It was on sale.
Jethro: Yeah, 175 dollars.
Jed: For this critter?
Jethro: No sir, for the buggy. They threw in the horse for free.

Daisy: [to John Wayne] Where was you when I needed ya, John?

Daisy: [Granny is trying to cook the fish trophy] When you gonna commence to tenderin' up, you wall-eyed ocean-goin' varmint?
Jed: You cookin' that fish?
Daisy: I ain't givin' him a bath.
Jed: He said he already been prepared by experts, somethin' or other...
Daisy: Taxi driver.
Jed: That sounds like it, yeah.
Daisy: He better stick to drivin'' taxis. He don't know shucks about fish. I've been boilin' this rascal for 2 hours and he's still as tough as harness leather.

Daisy: Granny says she knows why your wife was so anxious to get us out of town.
Elly: She does?
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: It's because she don't want me runnin' agin her for Beverly Hills Possum Queen.

Daisy: I got a campaign to run.
Jed: Granny, I think you done enough runnin' for a while. I declare, you look like the last prune in the box.

Granny: They'll just find my bleached bones out on the desert, where I died from hunger and thirst...
[goes back to fetch her jug]
Granny: Well, hunger anyway.

Jed: Make us proud of you, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, by the way, that ain't my name no more. Us movie stars gotta use tough-soundin' names like Biff Steel, Crunch Hardtack, Race Burley.
Daisy: You got one?
Jethro: I thought myself up a dandy, Beef Jerky.

Jane: Well then, you're a prognosticator.
Daisy: Save yer insults.

Daisy: The Injuns is comin! Get the cars in a circle!

Daisy: I ain't happy with my job.
Jed: Vice President?
Daisy: That's it. I just had Jethro look up that the word "vice" means, and I ain't gonna be president of no such goings on!

Homer: Say, how about going on a little sleigh ride?
Daisy: You promise to behave?
Homer: Sure I do!
Daisy: [disgusted] Well, we might as well stay here and sing.

Daisy: You heared me mister. Now you git goin' and git goin' fast.
Mr. Landman: Madame, I don't think you understand. I'm from the Internal Revenue Service. That's a department of the...
[Granny fires her shotgun]
Daisy: Hop in that puddle-jumper and cut mud outta here.
Mr. Landman: But I only want to talk about Mr. Clampett's return.
Daisy: He ain't gone nowhere.

Daisy: [the harem girls are dancing] Stop that! No more hoochie coochie!

Jed: [trying to revive the Green Knight] Maybe some water'll bring him around.
Daisy: Yeah.
[opens his canteen and sniffs it]
Daisy: Jed, if this is water, we gotta find the crick it come from.
[takes a swig]
Daisy: That's what you call water!
Jed: You sure?
Daisy: Distilled water!
[takes another swig]
Jed: Granny, it's for him.

Jed: Only one thing can make a girl forget a boy. That's another boy.
Daisy: You got one in mind, Jed?
Jed: That movie studio of mine is crawlin' with 'em.
Daisy: Slitherin' is the word. Snakes in the grass, that's what them Hollywood actors is.

Daisy: Now, if you're not poisonin' the pond, lets see you tip up that jug and take a swig.
Pool: I can't do that. It's concentrated chlorine. It kills the algae and fungus.
Daisy: It kills fish too. We've tried two or three times to stock this pond.
Pool: But this water's only for swimming.
Daisy: What do you think fish do, walk?

Daisy: That jackrabbit was here. And Dub Crick is here. And probably his no good Pa along with him.
Jed: Well then uh their car oughta be settin ' out front huh?
Daisy: Yeah! Lets go set fire to it!

Daisy: I thought they was dancin' till the lights come back on. Then I thought they was havin' fits!
Jed: Did look for all the world like they had a itch they couldn't scratch.

Elly: [Elly brings in a box of kittens] Ain't they cute?
Jed: 'Course they is cute, Elly, but if there's one thing we don't need right now, it's more critters
Daisy: Your Pa's right, Elly. Take 'em back.
Elly: But Granny, I already named 'em.
Daisy: Don't matter. Take 'em back.
Elly: They is all named after presidents. This one here is George Washington. This one here is Abraham Lincoln. And this one is Theodore Roosevelt.
Daisy: Take 'em back, Elly.
Elly: This one is Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: He can stay.

Lafayette: Let's have no more of this runnin' after other girls. Ain't no boy can love two girls.
Jethro: That leaves Essiebelle out. She's about two girls and a half.
Daisy: Mind your tongue, Jethro. You take a girl for better or worse when you marry her.
Jethro: Yeah, but she got worse before I got married.

Daisy: I can't take Pearl's screechin' any longer. Sounds like a pine knot in a saw mill.

Jake 'J.D.' Clampett: I would like to present Hollywood's newest and most glamorous star, the queen of the silver screen, that dazzling beauty, Miss Venus Adore.
Jed: Howdy Ma'am.
Elly: Howdy Pa.
Daisy: Holy jumpin' toad gizzards! It's Elly May!

Jethro: Now you're gonna find out what happens when you insult General "Buzz" Bodine.
Elly: What's "Buzz" mean?
Daisy: Buzzard, what else?

Daisy: [on the phone with Mrs. Drysdale] Listen honey, I got my still set up not fifty feet from your back door. Now you come home an' you n me will get glassy-eyed fallin'-down crocked. You'll get juiced to the eyeballs. How does that sound to ya, honey?
[to Jed]
Daisy: I don't hear nuthin'.

Cousin: I forgive you. I forgive you.
Daisy: But I deserve to be punished and punished bad. Sing to me Pearl!

Daisy: I'm cuttin' off your tonic.
Colonel: No, no, not that, Daisy!
Daisy: Dr. Daisy to you. No weddin', no tonic.
Colonel: I'll go and have another word with the girl.
Jed: No, don't do that.

Jethro: Granny, whereabouts do you want the still?
Daisy: Over here on this side of the "ceement" pond

Daisy: There's no two ways about it. That child is gonna need help to trap that Sonny Drysdale.
Jed: Elly May don't need to trap no man to git him.
Daisy: Every man that ever got git was git that way.
Jed: Not me, we just happened to stop under a shady elm tree and I proposed to your daughter on the spur of the moment.
Daisy: That spur of the moment of yours took us six months schemin' and plannin'. Why we even trained that ole mare of yours to stop under that shady ole elm tree.

Jed: Granny, A high-steppin' filly like the countess wouldn't hitch up to a old plow mule like me.
Daisy: What about Humphrey? He was twice your age and she married him.
Jed: Only because she was tonic'ed to the eyeballs.

Daisy: How's your back?
Agnes: What back? Oh mine, it's great. You know, you were right about this stuff. It makes having rheumatism a ball.
Daisy: [moves the glass away] Just sip it, honey, don't gulp.
Agnes: Okay.
Daisy: Now lets get back to Jed. Would you like to step out with him tonight?
Agnes: No thanks.
Daisy: [moves the glass closer] Gulp it.
Agnes: Gee that's beautiful material. That reminds me of Hawaii. I used to have a muumuu like this.
Daisy: A what?
Agnes: A muumuu.
Daisy: [moves the glass away] Go back to sippin', honey. There ain't no cows this color.

Jethro: But Uncle Jed ain't poor now, Granny. He got 25 million dollars.
Daisy: How long do you think its going to last if we throw it away on store-bought soap?

Daisy: Eye of a newt, tail of a toad, bust up the spell that I done throwed.

Daisy: Look who's callin' me a prune face. Why, you got so many wrinkles, your face could hold a 5-day rain!

Jethro: I couldn't find no wretchweed or dogbane either. Couldn't find no lizard eggs nor dried beetles.
Daisy: How can you be a doctor in Beverly Hills without the proper medicine?

Jane: In the woods, I saw him! Just right for Elly! An Adonis, a Hercules, an Apollo!
Daisy: Oh please Miss Jane, she's got enough critters now.
Jane: No, no. You don't understand. He was cutting down a tree near the lake.
Jed: She don't need another beaver.

Elly: You gonna walk all the way to the bank?
Daisy: No, I'm goin' at a fast trot.

Daisy: When Dash gets here, he's got to choose twixt you and Miss Jane, and Miss Jane has got to win. It ain't so far-fetched, like fishin' without bait, yet it ain't impossible.

Granny: How do you like yer possum, Lowell, fallin' off the bones tender or with a little fight left in it?
Lowell: [looking slightly nauseated] I'm really not hungry.

Daisy: Where did he get the notion to put iron in his hat? He got enough in his head.

Jed: If he eats her vittles, we'll never get him to the church.
Daisy: Oh he'll get to the church alright, but six of his friends will be totin' him in a box.
Jed: Now Granny, it ain't that bad.
Daisy: It's so bad, Jethro won't eat it. You cain't get worse than that.

Granny: When I was a girl back in Tennessee, I set so many boys hearts on fire, that they took to callin' that neck of the woods... the Smoky Mountains.

Jed: Ain't these Shorty Kellem's suitcases?
Daisy: That's right. He's leavin' us. Goin' back to the hills.
Jed: Tonight?
Daisy: That's right.
Jed: He didn't say nuthin' to me about leavin'.
Daisy: He don't know it yet!

Daisy: First batch went over pretty well, did it?
Elly: Well it kinda depended on who come to the door. If it was a man, we generally hit it off just dandy. Some of them didn't want me to leave.

Daisy: Will you guard my pot for me?
Jed: Why, sure. But it ain't likely any critter would bother boilin' greens.
Daisy: There's one that will and he's been sittin' up in the tree for the last 3 hours, waitin' for me to go into the house so he can swoop down.
Jed: Sounds like a buzzard.
Daisy: You're close. It's the 10-toed, black-tufted vittles-snatcher.
[points to Jethro in the tree]

Daisy: Jed, why don't we give the Drysdales a horse and buggy as a present?
Jed: By doggies, Granny, that's a real neighborly thought.
Daisy: Ain't it though, friendly, kind, generous, and it's the only way I can make sure that she don't get a faster rig than mine.

Daisy: [Mrs. Drysdale is helping Mr. Drysdale with a leg cramp] She's gonna grab that other leg of his and make a wishbone out of him.
Jed: Maybe it's some sort of a game, Granny.
Daisy: Well if it is, there's gonna be an undertaker keepin' score.

Daisy: So you're the little hussy that would like to take over my kitchen and get rid of me.
Maria: Yes.
Daisy: Brazen little package, ain't you?
Maria: Yes.
Daisy: I'll bet that you got eyes for my rich son-in-law, Jed.
Maria: Yes.
Daisy: You admit it?
Maria: Yes.

Daisy: Lots of folk outfitted their boys during the great war. That was the war twixt the North and the South, the Yellow and the Gray. The Gray really won, you know,

Daisy: Quick, hide the bear!
Jed: Granny, you don't quick hide a 500-pound bear.

Daisy: Well I'm done waitin' on Mr. do-nothin' Drysdale. He can't even get his own secketary a husband.
Jed: Well maybe he ain't tryin'. Maybe Miss Jane ain't ready to git married.
Daisy: Ain't ready? have you ever seen the way she looks at Jethro?
Jed: Kinda like a hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window.

Granny: Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed: Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.
Granny: It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons.

Elly: Well I still say this ain't no big hawg.
Daisy: What are you talkin' about, child? Why that rascal is good for 300 yards of chitlins alone.
Jed: And would ya look at them jowls
Daisy: Take a tub of turnip greens just to season 'em.

Daisy: Hit him in the nose, Jed. Make him let go of that jug.
Jed: And who's gonna make him let go of me?

Daisy: I've cured Granny's Complaint!
Jed: Granny, there ain't no cure for Granny's Complaint.
Daisy: There is now! It took care of all of my symptoms. I'm even seein' twice as good as I ever did before.
Jed: Twice as far?
Daisy: Twice as many. There's two of everything!

Daisy: Watchin' that boy eat is a hideous sight.
Jed: Well of course you can always look away. It's the noise you can't get away from.

Daisy: Better take her to the kitchen and give her some coffee.
Mlle. Denise: Ah, coffee, bon.
Daisy: I reckon she could scare you up a bone. Wouldn't you rather have a donut?

Jed: Granny, it appears you see this job mainly as a way for Elly to meet fellers.
Daisy: How do you see it?
Jed: Same way.

Daisy: I gotta run over and check on Mr. Drysdale. I'm doctorin' him for a bad case of the flu.
Jethro: Has he got the Hong Kong strain?
Daisy: No, I don't think he strained his hong kong.
Jethro: You're some doctor. You don't even know what the Hong Kong strain is.
Daisy: Changed your mind about eatin', huh?

Daisy: These are the soft gentle hands of a healer.
Jethro: They is about as soft as a gator's hide!

Daisy: I see somebody stuck you with a sick hawg.
Milburn: Sick hog?
Daisy: Oh, he's in bad shape. His bristles have all fell out and his tail has come unkinked. Oh, I grant ya he looks big and fat, but that's cuz he's a wind sucker, all bloat. Take my word for it, Mr. Drysdale, that hawg is dyin of the epizootic!
Milburn: Granny, you must mean the hippopotamus.
Daisy: I mean the epizootic!

Daisy: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
Jed: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
Jethro: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!

Daisy: Come on Lightnin'! Faster, faster! There's more tonic when you git home!

Elly: You didn't hurt my gorilla, did you Granny?
Daisy: You fetch him back and I'll fan his tail till he lights up like a lightnin' bug
Jed: Granny, you and that ape best call it a draw. You kicked him down the cellar steps, he throwed you through the door. Keep this up and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Elverna: I think I'll stroll over to the pavillion.
Daisy: Too bad Elly took the broom, you could ride.
Elverna: I'm not going to stay here and be insulted.
Daisy: Well, if you'd rather go outside and be insulted, let's go!

Jane: What are we cooking for Mr. Clampett?
Daisy: Well I don't know what you're cookin', but if he wants any vittles from me, somebody better shoot a possum.
Jane: Possum?
Daisy: You got a better idea?
Jane: But of course, a nice fluffy soufflé.
Daisy: All right. You shoot it and you skin it.

Daisy: That city school teacher always had an eye out for you.
Jed: That's plumb ridiculous. Why would a fine educated city woman like Miss Potts take a second look at me?
Daisy: I'll tell ya why. You're handsome as a new buggy and you're rollin' in dough like a baker's knuckles.

Pool: Now if you don't mind, I'm running a little late.
Daisy: You're runnin' fast, that's how yer runnin'!
[fires her shotgun]

Daisy: He's on his second jug of flu serum and I don't want him fallin' outa bed.
Jed: Second jug? Mr. Drysdale?
Daisy: Drained the first one dry. He's layin' there sound asleep.
Jed: Well I can believe he's layin' there, but you sure he's just asleep?
Daisy: Of course. What kind of a doctor do you think I am?
Jed: That question is as loaded as Mr. Drysdale.

Daisy: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen.
Jed: [Jed frowns] Who?

Daisy: Jed, turn him loose, give a 200 foot start. I'll load my shotgun with rock salt and bacon rind and season his hind quarters for him.

Daisy: You can blame Jethro for the state I'm in. I declare, Jed, that boy is turnin' into a first class girl chaser.
Jed: Well I always said, if you're gonna do somethin', do it well.

Daisy: Elly May's bear is drinkin my moonshine... er, my flu serum.
Jed: Maybe he's got the flu.
Daisy: Well don't just stand there jokin', take it away from him!
Jed: You're the one that's jokin'.

Elly: Granny, how come I have to wear this scarf?
Daisy: To keep the cinders and soot outta your hair. You can tell she ain't never rode no train.
Jane: How long since you've ridden one?
Daisy: Nineteen ought two, rode the C & R Thunderbolt from Sibley to Bugtussle. Covered that 18 miles in one hour flat. Broke the record.

Daisy: If they don't allow folks to have stock, why have they got that all-fired fancy stock pen down there?
Jed: Well Granny, it turned out that that there was something called a Tennus court.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a Tennus?
Jed: I don't know, but one of these days, we'll get us a pair of 'em and go to raise them out there.

Jed: I reckon it'd hurt Mr. Drysdale's feelin's considerable if he was to find out we didn't eat his fish.
Jethro: But Uncle Jed, I purt near broke a tooth on that thing.
Daisy: If Jethro can't bite through it, nobody can.

Daisy: I been eatin' fish for 70 years and they could be carryin' a mighty strong grudge.

Elly: He said I got a way with critters.
Granny: You better git away with this one before your Pa sees it.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jed: You know what kind of eggs they eat?
Daisy: What?
Jed: Fish eggs.
Daisy: Fish eggs?
Jed: She called 'em, uh, caviar. Little bitty things, mess of 'em on a cracker look for all the world like a charge of soggy buckshot.

[last lines]
Daisy: [Granny and Jed are looking at the Sheik's royal camel] Ain't that the saddest-lookin' horse you ever seen?
Jed: Pitiful, just pitiful.

Jethro: I need a aide.
Daisy: First aid is what you're gonna need.

Leroy: I'm not as fast as the machine, especially with this rheumatism in my hands.
Daisy: Rheumatiz? I got medicine that'll fix that.

Daisy: Jones? Jones? I recollect a family of Joneses that lived beyond the ridge.
H.H.H. Jones: That must have been...
Daisy: They was horse thieves!
H.H.H. Jones: Uh, different Jones.

Daisy: Them red diamonds are purty.
Jewelry: These are rubies.
Daisy: Well, ask her if she wants to sell one.
Jewelry: Madame, the ruby I'm referring to is not a lady.
Daisy: How she got them rings is her own business.

Jethro: I'm gonna pay for this car myself.
Daisy: How?
Jethro: Well that's where my education pays off. They let me figger out my own financin' plan. All I got to do is pay $4 a week.
Jed: For how long?
Jethro: 'Til 68.
Daisy: Why that's two years.
Jethro: No, Granny, 'til I'm 68.
Jed: Jethro, you take this thing back where you got it and fetch home the truck.
Jethro: Aw Uncle Jed, girls don't go for that truck, but with this baby, I can get me some action.
Daisy: You get out to the woodshed. I'll give you some action.
Jethro: Granny, I mean some swingin' action. I wanna be where things are jumpin'.
Daisy: Don't you worry. I'll be swingin' and you'll be jumpin'. Now git!

Daisy: Aaaaaaaa! He's eatin' my letter! Come back here! Spit it out, you hairy varmint!

Daisy: Did you see that coat?
Jed: I reckon that explains what happened to the other 5 cats.
Elly: Awful!
Daisy: Poor woman.
Jethro: She's really hard up. ain't she?
Jed: She is for a fact. It's bad enough havin' to sell her bathtub, but when it comes to skinnin' her cats for clothes...
[the Clampletts leave, crying]

Jed: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it.
Daisy: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'.
Jed: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Jed: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.

Daisy: You got a boyfriend, honey?
Athena: I find my school studies and bird watching activities infinitely stimulating, allowing little time for the superficial pastime of adolescent dating.
Daisy: [to Jed] Did that mean that she's fer it or agin it?

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Daisy: Even my shotgun didn't stop him! I tell you, Jed, he's so big that he can't walk through that door!
Jed: Well, then stay in the house, you got nothin' to worry about.

Jed: I didn't know you had a flu serum.
Daisy: Course. I just run off a batch last friday.
Jed: Are you talkin about your corn squeezins?
Daisy: I'm talkin about the greatest all-purpose miracle medicine ever developed, Possum Ridge Penicillin.

Daisy: The whole city to Bug Tussle will be in flames. All 5 buildin's will be burnin'!
Jed: Granny, I just don't believe there is any Injun trouble.
Daisy: That's what General Custer said.

Matthew: She's a good cook, huh?
Daisy: There ain't nobody can touch that girl's food.

Daisy: Miss Jane is runnin' like the devil hisself is after her.
Jed: I was worried about her goin' out in the woods dressed like that. Like as not, somebody mistook her for a revenuer.
Daisy: Oh, everybody knows there ain't no girl revenuers.
Jed: Yeah, but not everybody knows she's a girl.

Daisy: [Faking serious illness] I'm goin' to join the angels.
Jethro: [Referring to California baseball teams] Well, they's doin' better than the Dodgers!

Jed: [checking the Map to Movie Star Homes] Let's see who they got here... Joan Crawford... Marlene Dietrich... Greta Garbo
Daisy: Cain't ya find any famous ones?

Daisy: [arriving in Beverly Hills] They call them hills? Why we got moles that can push up higher ridges than that.
Jed: Well leastways they's hills. We'll be among our kind of folks.

Daisy: Write your name on this paper and then burn it. Then take the ashes and put 'em in this hollered-out peach pit.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then get 14 petals and lay 'em out on the ground underneath your bedroom window in the shape of a heart.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then dig a hole in the middle and bury the peach pit with a lock of your hair.
Elly: Yes ma'am.
Daisy: Then close yer eyes and spin around 3 times and throw this magic buckeye on the roof.
Elly: What's all this fer?
Daisy: Well I might as well tell ya. When you do all that and I throw my secret conjure on the fire, you get a fella.
Elly: That's dandy. Just for good luck, Ill hang a horseshoe on the door.
Daisy: No. No no child, I wouldn't want folks thinkin' I'm superstitious.

Cousin: [Jed shows Pearl the kitchen] Why, a person could feed an army in here.
Daisy: Well, the way those two young 'uns of yours eat, that's just what you'll have to do.

Daisy: It's Miss Jane. Do you know that I heard that that poor girl ain't never had a man ask for her hand in marriage?
Jed: Well quit lookin' at me.
Daisy: But Jed, I don't want you to take her out or call on her or court her.
Jed: It's a good thing.
Daisy: All you have to do is propose to her.
Jed: Oh, well, when you put it that way, it's hard to refuse.
Daisy: Good!
Jed: But I'm gonna.

Jed: Sold me Canada for $80 million and a handful of cash.
Daisy: You bought Canada, Jed?
Jed: It's Jethro that deserved the credit. Hadn't been for him, I mighta would up with Borneo. Mr. Drysdale, why don't you and Miss Jane...
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out]
Jed: Well Doggies! All it takes to catch him up on his sleep is a little good news.

Daisy: Is Cousin Marcus up at the castle?
Cedric: Well, yes, but you see, he's been laid to rest.
Daisy: Good, just keep him warm. Is the family doctor with him?
Cedric: Madame, the gentleman is dead.
Daisy: Oh, well, us doctors is only mortal.

Jethro: Am I glad you is all back. Especially you, Granny. I love you. Can I carry you to the house?
Daisy: Oh, if it makes you happy, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh it does. I wanna get you to the stove as quick as I can.

Jed: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs] Lay back down, you're dyin'.
Daisy: I'm dyin' to belt her one.

Jed: I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't have no truck with me. I dunno what to do.
Daisy: He'll listen if our shotguns do the talkin'.

Jane: So he's finally marrying Elverna?
Daisy: That's right.
Milburn: When is the happy event?
Jed: Well, the happy event was yesterday, when Shorty locked hisself in your secretarial pool. The weddin's tomorrow.

Daisy: Jed, I've been workin' 3 days on this conjure and I aim to throw it in that fire. Now get dressed in your company clothes while I say my spell.
Jed: I think I'll wait till you're done. I might have to do some firefightin'.
Daisy: Magic powder, magic brew/ In the fire and up the flue/ Fetch a man and fetch a minister/ So poor old Elly won't be a spinister.
Jed: Spinister?
Daisy: I'm a scientist, not a poet.

Mr. Vanderpont: I ain't sunk my choppers in grits and jowls this good since we left Sorghum Ridge.
Daisy: You mountain folks?
Mr. Vanderpont: Durn tootin'.

Daisy: Bobcats lickin' agin the grain, come that night it's likely to rain.

Chemist: Let me see if I can remember the formula from Macbeth. Eye of newt, and toe of frog. Wool of bat, and tongue of dog. Adder's fork...
Daisy: Now there's a druggist!
Chemist: I do rather pride myself on my Shakespeare.
Daisy: I never tried that, but if you recommend it, I'll take some.
Chemist: Take some Shakespeare?
Daisy: How do you sell it over here? By the bag or by the bottle?
Chemist: Well I should say that we sell Shakespeare by the volume, by the play, by the sonnet.
Daisy: Well gimme half a sonnet.

Jed: You see, here in Beverly Hills, a girl's got a chance to marry up with a handsome movie star.
Daisy: Yeah, like Tom Mix or Hoot Gibson.
Jed: Granny, I hear tell that they got some new ones. Miss Jane was talkin' about a feller named Cary Grant.
Daisy: GRANT?
Jed: I don't think he's any relation.

Milburn: What a magnificent animal!
Daisy: Where? Oh, you mean Old Glue Pot, er uh Lightnin'.

Elverna: Come along you miserable little weasel.
Shorty: Yes dear, comin' dear.
Daisy: They sure talk like husband and wife.

Daisy: Now you just cut mud down to that store and spy me up a sack of beans and a slab of fatback. And you do it in a double naught hurry!

Cousin: [Pearl is doing the ironing in the kitchen while Jethrine is walking towards the door holding Granny's rocking chair] Where are you going with that, Jethrine?
Jethrine: Outside.
Cousin: I told you to take it up to Granny's bedroom.
Jethrine: And Granny told me to take it outside.
Cousin: Your taking your orders from me and not from Granny. That old woman is old and tired and we owe it to her to let her rest. Now, just hope and pray that when I get to be her age, that somebody will be looking after me.
Granny: [Granny enters the kitchen without Pearl knowing and taps Pearl's shoulder] You can quit hoping and praying! And if you don't stop messing around my kitchen you ain't gonna get to get to be my age!

Jane: Au revoir, Granny.
Daisy: Same to you, whatever it is.

Daisy: If you ever gets to achin' in the joints, I got some rheumatiz medicine that's out of this world.
Dr. Klingner: Will it actually cure rheumatism?
Daisy: No. But it'll make you happy you got it.

Daisy: Now ths bottle is for Mr. Drysdale.
Elly: Granny, you sure you wanna tonic him again?
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Elly: Well last year, he like to went wild. Why he grabbed his wife, hugged her and kissed her and carried on somethin' scandalous.
Daisy: I wondered why she asked me for 2 bottles this year.

Daisy: Jed, when are you gonna get it through your head? When a girl passes 14, she's a old maid. Passes 16, she's a spinster. And when she passes 18, ferget it!

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Daisy: I'm gonna smoke his haunches 'til he can sit in the tub and heat his own bathwater.

Daisy: I'm gonna tell ya about the woman that's runnin' agin me in this election. She has the brain of a chicken, the disposition of a alligator, and the figure of an over-stuffed silo!

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You can't intimidate me this time. I've got Claude.
Daisy: You just think you been clawed.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I was referring to this courageous and noble canine.
Daisy: Is that what it is? Looks somethin' like a dog.

Daisy: You're early, Mr. Policeman. We ain't goin' to be eatin' till sundown.
Policeman: You can't build an open fire in Beverly Hills.
Daisy: Oh, sure you can. All you need is seasoned wood.
Policeman: What I mean is...
[sees Pat Boone]
Policeman: Wait a minute, aren't you Pat Boone? Sure you are. I've got you latest record.
Jed: Boy's got a record?
Policeman: Sure, a bunch of them. Haven't you seen his picture?
Jed: No, we don't get down to the Post Office much.

Jed: [sees Granny tugging on a rope] Whatcha doin?
Daisy: Tryin' to get my rope outta the Drysdale's yard. It musta snagged on somethin' like a root or a stump.
Jed: Or hawg.

Daisy: Stop in yer tracks while you're able to make 'em. Now you turn around. Walk towards our house.
Ravenswood: I refuse to take one step.
Daisy: [Granny fires a shot] You wanna walk or you wanna limp?

Daisy: You should have seen the two of them cuttin' didos on the dance floor last night.
Jethro: They stomped up a storm, huh Granny?
Daisy: They were bouncin' around like a couple of chickens in high rye!

Gladys: Jethro and I have found one common interest - food. He tells me he likes grits. I do know how to cook them.
Daisy: You do, huh? Alright, lets see you cook up some grits for Jethro.
[puts a large pot on the stove]
Gladys: Oh, I don't need a pan that big.
Daisy: That ain't the pan, it's the ladle.

Daisy: Your chickens are in my tomato patch again.
Elly: Well I'm sorry, Granny.
Daisy: Them tomatoes is gonna win me a blue ribbon at the county fair and if I catch your hens peckin' at 'em again, they's gonna be swimmin' in hot gravy.

Jed: They're all good pictures. What are you askin' for these, Colonel Foxhole?
Colonel: Foxhall, sir. I'm asking one million dollars.
Daisy: A million dollars?
Jed: Well I ain't bought many pictures, but that does seem a mite steep.
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, if you don't meet his price, these pictures will appear on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.
Jed: Well there's a idea, Granny. Let's wait 'til tomorrow and cut 'em outta the paper.

Daisy: He cain't make up his mind what he wants to be. One day it's a rocket scientist and the next day it's a fry cook.
Jed: That's his brain and his stomach fightin' it out.
Daisy: Mark my words, his stomach will win.

Daisy: Here turkey turkey, don't be scared. Granny don't mean you no harm. See, I brought you some nice stuffin' - I mean bread.

Elly: Was you two out all night?
Daisy: Oh not me. I come home at a decent hour, but your Pa was like a colt in a clover patch.

Daisy: [standing next to a painting of Gloria Swanson] Ya notice how our eyes is alike?
Jethro: Yeah, you both got two.

Jed: I'll get that college to make you a doctor if it takes ever cent I got.
Daisy: They offered to make me one. Even give me a test.
Jed: They did?
Daisy: Asked me the craziest durn-fool questions you ever did hear, had me puttin' pegs in holes, lookin' at spilt ink, but I passed it!
Jed: Good fer you.
Daisy: That's what I thought until they put me in that white doctor's coat. The crazy, durn-fool thing had sleeves that tied in the back.
Jed: That makes no sense at all.
Daisy: If Jethro hadn't been there to rip it off of me, I'd still be tryin' to get out of it.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: Haven't you heard of streptomycin? Aureomycin? Cortisone?
Daisy: Roy, you come to me for advice, and I'm givin' it to ya. Ferget them quack medicines. Stick with modern science. Yer stump waters, yer slippery elm ooze, tule root, and them wonder drugs, like sassafras and wahoo bark.

Jed: He seemed like a real nice fella. Besides, he's a good friend of Mr. Drysdale.
Daisy: That cinches it! Any friend of General Beauregard Drysdale is not to be trusted.
Jed: General Beaureagard?
Daisy: Boltin' Beauregard, the coward of Culpepper Plantation.

Daisy: You ain't got the look of a mountain man.
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Well no, its not my native habitat. I'm just living there to be near my friends, the condors.
Daisy: They live in the mountains do they?
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Oh yes. That's the only place they're happy.
Daisy: I know just how they feel.

Daisy: I ain't defendin' the Yankee end of Malibu.

Daisy: What's that, Jed?
Jed: Well, it's supposed to be 25 pounds of English money, but whoever weighed it must've had his thumb on the scale.

Daisy: Alcohol is a dandy antiseptic, especially when it's applied internally.

Shorty: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
Daisy: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
Jed: Yep.
Daisy: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.

Daisy: You want your daughter to be an old maid?
Jed: 'Course not.
Daisy: Next year, she'll be too old to get a husband. She's almost 18!

Daisy: I'd like to stay and listen to the words of the ceremony. They're so beautiful, they always make me cry.
Jane: Fine. Proceed, Chief.
Milburn: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the joining together of this couple in happy wedlock. As I perform this ceremony, I am struck by the thought that getting married is like opening a joint account at the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills, where you're savings earn a full five percent and...
Jane: Alright Chief, that will do.
Milburn: But, Granny wants to hear the words. They make her cry.
Daisy: Them don't.

Elly: Can I go ahead and start cookin' breakfast?
Daisy: Uh, no, no Elly, just make the coffee... Elly, on second thought, just boil some water... Elly...?
Elly: Yes 'm.
Daisy: Try not to burn it.

Mark: Many scientists believe that originally we came from the sea.
Daisy: Only sea I come from was Tennessee.

Cholmondeley: And what night this be?
[examining Grannies jug]
Daisy: It might be buttermilk, but I wouldn't light no match to see.
Cholmondeley: Come now , what is this?
Daisy: That's Tennessee tranquilizer, one of my best home-made cures.
Cholmondeley: What does it cure?
Daisy: What do ya got?
Cholmondeley: Madame, I'm afraid my government would not approve of this home-made cure.
Daisy: Mine ain't too happy about it neither.

Roberta: Just a moment, Madame. Unless you have an appointment, you can't see Mr. Clampett.
Daisy: I can too, he's settin' right there.

Daisy: Elly, run fetch my jug. He's shakin' like a 50 cent ladder.

Jed: Where are we, Jethro?
Jethro: We is in what's called Hyde Park.
Daisy: Good! Pull up to them bushes and let's hide.

Jed: What we gonna do about Mr. Lester?
Jethro: Yeah, suppose he's still sleepin' when we is ready to start out.
Daisy: We'll just lay him out front on the grass.
Jed: On the grass, with rheumatiz?
Daisy: I'll leave a jug alongside of him. For a week or so, he won't care *where* he is.

Daisy: You heered me, Mr. city slicker banker. Jethro cyphered me to have eleven million two hunnerd and fifty thousand dollars a comin', and I want it... in cash!
Milburn: But Granny, I explained to you yesterday how the bank has invested your money and you said you'd sleep on it.
Daisy: That's what I'm gonna do. Stuff it in my mattress and sleep on it.

Daisy: And there's Elly May, with the prettiest figure that ever came outta the hills.
Jed: That's the truth. She got more curves than a goat path.

Daisy: Howdy Mr. Guru. Nice day ain't it?
Guru: Oh yes. Yes it is.
Daisy: Shall we drink to that?
Guru: Oh, we gurus are abstainers.
Daisy: This will take out stains.

Daisy: I'm beginnin' to wonder about him. How can you trust a fella that don't like fricassee of barn owl?

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Mrs. Smith: May I get some pictures?
Jed: What kind of pictures?
Mrs. Smith: Still pictures.
Daisy: She's a dad-blamed revenooer!

Jason: I feel it only fair to warn you that I used to run cross-country for Pennsylvania Teachers.
Daisy: Oh, a woman chaser, huh?

Cousin: I'll have vittles a-cookin' before you can say Jack Robinson.
Daisy: Jack Robinson. You stay outta my kitchen.
Cousin: I believe that kitchen belongs to my cousin Jed.
Daisy: Well I's a granny and grannies is closer than cousins.
Cousin: Not when the granny's on the wife's side. I've got Clampett blood in my veins.
Daisy: You wanna keep it there, you stay outta my kitchen.

Granny: Vittles!

Jed: Pearl'd like to get in with those society women like Ms. Drysdale.
Daisy: Yeah. Pearl always was one to want better than what she could afford.
Jed: That's Pearl: too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash.

Leroy: I usually have just a half a can of beans for lunch.
Daisy: What do ya have for supper?
Leroy: The other half.

Daisy: Best courtin' dinner I ever served up and that king never touched a bite. How can any man pass up groundhog goulash, baked buzzard eggs, and minced crawdads?

Daisy: That's "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" wasn't it, boys?
Lester: That's what we call it in the evening, Granny, but if we play it before noon, it's called "Louise and Gladys Wake Up"
Earl: Yeah, it's the only way we can get our wives outta bed in the mornin'.

Customs: Every schoolboy has heard of the War of the Roses.
Daisy: See Jed, it's all over England that we run out on the feud. They've even got it in schoolbooks.

Daisy: Elly May can outthrow anybody.
Jethro: Oh yes sir, she's got plenty of stuff.
Leo: Yeah, we could never hide it under a Dodger uniform.

Jethro: Listen Granny, I just found out its 8 hours later in England than it is here.
Daisy: So?
Jethro: I'm 8 hours behind in my eatin'.
Daisy: Oh, don't bother me. I got an emergency long distance call.
Jethro: But Granny, I'm starvin'. I'm desperate. I can't wait.
Daisy: Let Elly cook you somethin'.
Jethro: I can wait.

Jed: Granny, are you fixin' to tell me somethin'?
Daisy: Not while you got that ax in your hand I ain't.

Daisy: Jed, there's more than one way to skin a cat.
Jed: Yeah, but there ain't no way to do it that the cat's gonna like it.

Daisy: Granny, why don't you tell Sam Drucker the truth?
Jed: I aim to, Jed.
Daisy: Good.
Jed: Just as soon as I'm Mrs. Sam Drucker, I'll confess everything.

Daisy: All they think about is smearin' themselves with beauty grease, fancy-smellin' renderins'. Why if you was to hug one of 'em, she'd squirt outta your arms like a prune pit.

Daisy: I just heard that Jane Hathaway is sick a-bed and I wanna cook her up a nice big pot of chicken broth.
Elly: [shocked] Granny! You ain't fixin' to cook Earl?
[the rooster]
Daisy: Oh, of course not, Elly, but I figgered you could turn him loose in the neighborhood and he just might bring home a plump little hen.
Elly: Well Granny, I don't reckon Earl wants you to cook none of his sweethearts neither.

Daisy: Jethro's gone over to their side.
Milburn: Things are starting to look up.

Daisy: I'm goin' down to the lake to smoke some crawdads.
police: Some what?
Daisy: Crawdads. But first I'll need a little pot.

Daisy: Tell you what. I'll take a whole sonnet of that Shakespeare.
Chemist: May I suggest some 'Venus and Adonis'?
Daisy: If it's good stuff.
Chemist: Touch but my lips with those fair lips of thine, - Though mine be not so fair, yet are they red - The kiss shall be thine own as well as mine.
Daisy: Why don't you take a walk, Jed?
Jed: What about your duty to Marcus?
Daisy: Who?
Jed: Cousin Marcus, layin' sick in the castle, your patient.
Daisy: Patients I can git, Jed, but at my age, suitors are kinda scarce.

Daisy: The way you was showin' off, you'll never get outta her clutches.
Jethro: She got you in her clutches, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Course not. I just took the woman dancin' one night. That don't hardly put me in her clutches.
Daisy: Ha! She's got her painted finger nails in you like a fistful of fish hooks!

Lafayette: I'm back again, Granny. Did you miss me?
Daisy: No and I ain't gonna miss you now. Elly May, fetch my shotgun!

Daisy: Jed! Jed!
Jed: What's the matter, Granny?
Daisy: It's Lafe Crick, that good-fer-nuthin', low-down, lazy, vittle-stealin', liquor-drinkin' gully jumper.
Jed: Granny, I thought you blowed off all that steam.
Daisy: I did, but he's back and I'm comin' to a boil agin.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale seems to set great store by young Fernpod, uh, Simply. Say's he's gonna move right up the ladder.
Daisy: Ladder? What's he do down at the bank, wash windows?
Jed: The way I understand it, he's got somethin' to do with bookkeeping.
Daisy: Must keep 'em on a high shelf if he has to climb for 'em.

Daisy: Take this down to the truck and don't let nobody know what we're doin'.
Jethro: That'll be easy. I don't know, myself.
Daisy: We're gonna find that Goodbody goomer before he gets on the operatin' table tomorrow.
Jethro: How come we have to keep it a secret?
Daisy: Cause even after seein' what the new miracle drugs like newt eggs and wahoo bark can do, there's still folks that won't accept modern medicine.

Milburn: Granny, he'll be examined by an army doctor.
Daisy: Oh no. It was one of them goobers that killed Jed's cousin!
Milburn: An army doctor?
Daisy: High-rankin' one too, General Peritonitis.

Jethro: I was there in person when Granny slung her into the 6th row of seats.
Daisy: You know how I done that, boy? I put the Possum Ridge Paralyzer on her and then I give her the Bug Tussle Bounce.

Jed: Granny, the other end of this rope is tied around that hawg's neck.
Daisy: Ooh, it's worse than I thought. He's tryin' to hang hisself.
Jed: Hang hisself?
Daisy: Yeah, amongst hawgs, that's called "sooeycide".

Daisy: [reading Sam Drucker's letter] "I hope you like them, sugar." Bold rascal.
Jed: Called you "sugar", did he?
Daisy: Read it for yourself.
Jed: I think that goes with the next line. "I hope you like them sugar-cured".

Jethro: Who's the patient?
Daisy: His name is Fairchild.
Jethro: Okay... Hey, wait a minute. You mean Elly's bear?
Daisy: That's right. I gotta remove a letter out of his stomach.
Jethro: I ain't gonna hold down a bear while you whittle on him!

Daisy: Oh please, Jed, just let me give her one barrel.
Jed: No.
Daisy: I'll give her a 50-foot runnin' start.
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: A hundred foot, and you can hold my glasses.
Jed: Now, hold your glasses is a real good idea.
[takes Granny's glasses]
Daisy: Hand me that gun, Jed, I can still salt her britches!
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: I can't miss a target that big!

Daisy: Out here, a comin' out party can get a gal married quicker than a shot gun could back home.

Daisy: Jethro! Save me!
Jethro: Okay Granny, quick as I finish eatin' these grits.

Jane: I'm looking forward to a thrilling ornithological adventure.
Daisy: Shorty, have you ever knowed a person that used as many big words as her?
Shorty: Just one. Don Richardson. He come in here the other day and throwed some words at me that weighed out better than 5 pounds apiece.
Daisy: What was it, Shorty?
Shorty: Well, he's talkin about this law case and he said somethin other was uh... was uh... incompatible overt offense.
Daisy: Hmm, them is heavy rascals.

Roger: Roger Diggerback, of Diggerback, Breedlove, Burnett, Henderson, Postlewaite, Johnson, Northcross, and Wesson.
Daisy: By the time they call you to supper you done missed it!
Roger: That's my *company* name.
Daisy: Well, excuse me if I treat you like family cause I'll never remember it.

Jed: i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason.
Daisy: I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done?
Jed: Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man.
Jed: There's the best reason of all.

Daisy: You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie?
Jethro: Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks.
Daisy: [to Jed] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I?
Jethro: Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jethro: Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.

Jed: Let's forget about Dub Crick.
Daisy: That suits me fine. Why even that name ain't rightfully his.
Jed: Dub?
Daisy: Got it from a schoolteacher. Somebody asked her if Lafe's boy is smart or dumb and she had a cold when she answered.

Daisy: [Granny is looking for Jethro] Probably took off for town for more girl watchin'.
Jed: Granny, Jethro has done hired hisself out.
Daisy: You mean he gets paid for watchin' girls?

Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
Jed: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
Daisy: Got the Spirit, huh?
Shorty: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!

Jed: Granny, when you got as many young'uns as the Fettys, you don't need too big a reason for gettin' shed of one.
Daisy: They sure had a housefull, didn't they?
Jed: They did for a fact. You throwed a roack on that roof, it looked like school was lettin' out.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Jed: You know the good Lord is lookin' out for you. He'll decide when it's your time to go.
Daisy: When I go is up to Him. Where I go is up to me.

Daisy: Would you like some gravy?
Girl: Groovy!
Daisy: [whispering to Jed] On the island of Grun, they call gravy, 'groovy'.
Jed: I could use some chicken and groovy myself!

Jed: Where's your buggy?
Daisy: Lightnin' run so fast, she pulled right outta the harness.

Jed: I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar.
Cousin: There ain't no new kind of dollar.
Jed: Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny?
Granny: Million dollars.

Jed: Granny, you take the north.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jed: You take the south. Jane will take the north.

Daisy: Shoot us!
Jed: What?
Daisy: Don't leave us to the mercy of them red devils!
Jed: Drive on, boy.
Jethro: Ain't we gonna shoot 'em?
Jed: Drive on, boy!

Daisy: Jed, is the revenooer stayin' fer supper?
Jed: He ain't no revenooer.
Daisy: Well, is the furreigner stayin' fer supper?
Jed: How about it Mr. Landman? You too Mr. Drysdale.
Mr. Landman: You're not by any chance cooking mustard greens and possum innards, are you?
Daisy: Not tonight.
Jed: No, we had them last night.
Mr. Landman: I'll stay.
Milburn: Me too.
Daisy: Tonight, we is havin' leftovers.
Jed: That's the thing about possum innards. They is just as good the second day.

Daisy: [Jethrine is singing] Don't tell me that child ain't sick. Nobody makes a noise like that on purpose.
Cousin: You're gonna be sorry you said them things when Jethrine commence to singin' with a big orchestry like Rudy Vallee.
Daisy: Who?
Cousin: Rudy Vallee and his Connecticut Yankees.
Daisy: Did you hear that, Jed! Your traitor cousin Pearl is lettin' her daughter desert to the Yankees!... Well, I reckon they're gettin' what they deserve.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, I know you been totin' a crushin' burden, but I got good news for you.
Milburn: Good news?
Jed: I'm goin' to take my $80 million outa your bank. Fetch in the wheelbarrow, Granny. Well Doggies! It worked already.
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out on the floor]
Jed: He's sure sleepin' now isn't he?
Daisy: Just like a baby.

Daisy: Beats me how Elly May can make these donuts without usin' cement.
[drops the donut and it smashes a plate]
Daisy: Maybe she does uses cement.

Daisy: Well, the food chute is back, the one-man locust plague. I bet you're hungry.
Jethro: Oh yes ma'am.
Jed: What's for vittles, Granny?
Daisy: Overlook stew.
Jed: What's that?
Daisy: I'm stewin' everythin' he overlooked, and it ain't much.

Milburn: You know, I'm responsible for bringing Robert and Elly together.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Daisy: Bless you, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Yes, I could see immediately that theirs would be a perfect union.
Daisy: Perfect what?
Milburn: Union.
Daisy: You mean confederacy!
Milburn: I stand corrected.

Daisy: Somebody shot this card all full of holes.
Mr. Filbert: Oh no, that's Mr. Clampett's data card. All the information that you've given me is on it.
Daisy: You mean the answers to them nosy questions you asked me?
Mr. Filbert: That's right. And now I'm going to put this card through our computer and in a moment, out will come the theoretically perfect woman for Jed Clampett.
Daisy: This better be on the up-and-up, or you're gonna be flatter than that card and just as full of holes.

Jed: You just see that Dash Riprock don't swaller none of that tonic.
Daisy: But what can I do? She ain't gonna get him with her cookin'. You won't let me draw down on him with a 12-gauge. What else is there?

Daisy: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil.
Jed: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow.
Milburn: But this is Beverly Hills.
Jed: Dirt is dirt.

Daisy: Jed, Mrs. Drysdale's here and she's squawkin' like a 2-pound chicken layin' a 3-pound egg.

Elly: [Granny is carrying a shotgun] Granny, where are ya goin'?
Daisy: I'm takin' these vittles over to Mrs. Drysdale.
Elly: Vittles? Well where are they?
Daisy: Right in here.
[pats her shotgun]
Daisy: Rock salt and bacon rind. I'm gonna give her both barrels.

Jed: Miss Jane got herself a fella.
Daisy: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away!
Jed: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.

Daisy: I come up with a cold cure 45 years ago.
Jane: You did?
Daisy: Well I thought everybody knew. It was wrote up in the Razorback Hog Breeders Gazette.
Jed: Right on the front page.

Daisy: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house] Did you make a sign about my lye soap?
Jethro: [showing her the sign] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap.
Daisy: Oh that will draw them in like flies.
Jed: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging.
Daisy: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat.
Jed: Yeah but a dollar a night?
Daisy: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.

Jed: You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man.
Daisy: Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.

Jed: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Well of course, but...
Jed: Well then go ahead and give it to her.
Milburn: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up.
Daisy: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash.
Milburn: Cash?
Daisy: Cash.
Jed: We do favor cash.
Milburn: I haven't got 11 million.
Daisy: You see, I told you, he spent it!

Daisy: What about that bear?
Elly: Well, Granny, if he's kin to Daniel Boone, he won't be scared of no bear.

Jed: Accordin' to Mr. Drysdale, we're gonna be shootin' some game called golf.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a golf?
Jed: Well, I don't rightly know, Granny, but they must be thicker 'n crows in a corn pasture around here cuz Mr. Drysdale says everybody in Beverly Hills shoots 'em.
Daisy: Ain't never seen no strange critters runnin' around. They must live in holes in the ground, like a gopher.
Jed: Yeah, I reckon maybe you're right. Just the other day I heard him say he shot 9 holes of golf and got 57.

Jed: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
Daisy: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
Elly: Fancy new laces, too!
Cousin: And them's his best socks.
Jethro: And it ain't even Sunday.
Cousin: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
Jed: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
Daisy: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett, what a pleasant surprise.
Milburn: Welcome, welcome, we are honored by your presence.
Daisy: Was we supposed to bring presents?
Jed: I reckon so.

Daisy: Why them durn-fool, crazy, mixed-up college kids, they made a mistake!
Elly: Well, what do you mean?
Daisy: I've been doctorin' over 50 years and they give the certificate to Jed.
Jed: What's all the shoutin' about down there?
Daisy: Well, yonder he comes, the college doctor, the one with the fancy piece of paper that says he knows everything. How do you cure the vapors? What do you do for quinsy?

Jed: [Granny fills a glass from her jug] Who ya pourin' that fer?
Daisy: Oh, that's for Miss Carrington. I think she's gonna drop over.
Jed: She will if she drinks that. Then she'll lay there for a spell.

Daisy: I'm gonna stay here and do something sensible. I'm gonna boil these golf eggs.

Jethrine: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight.
Cousin: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age.
Daisy: There ain't nobody twice your age!
Cousin: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
[slaps table]
Daisy: Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.

Daisy: Now I'll never git my whale.
Jed: Count yer blessin's, Granny. You got the greatest fish story ever told.
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Jed: You're the first fisherman that was ever throwed back by the fish.

Jed: Granny, fetch the guns. We're headed for the beach.
Daisy: We gonna fight the grunions?
Jed: You betcha.

Jed: Now Granny, supposin' that all this nonsense you been talkin' is true, why would the North want to commence a fracas in Los Angeles?
Daisy: So they can attack under the cover of smog.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: A thing like this could put Beverly Hills on the map.
Daisy: Look what it done for Sibley.

Daisy: Why in tarnation do you wanna shoot at a saucer like this? If you ain't careful, you'll bust 'em.
Elly: Whereabouts is the cups?
Milburn: There aren't any cups.
Daisy: See! You done busted 'em, didn't you?

Daisy: [Jethro reels in a boot] Elly, fetch my pole, quick!
Jed: What fer? This ain't nothin' but a boot.
Daisy: I know it. I wanna fish fer the other one. They're better'n the ones I'm wearin'.

Daisy: I know what yer up to. You're wantin' me to feel sorry for that little feller so's I'll give up the idea of goin' home and stay here and help him.
Jed: That's right. is it workin'?
Daisy: Yeah. Doggone it, it is.

Daisy: Jed, what's ailing you? You know durn good & well your great-grandpappy's name was Ezekiel.
Jed: I know, Granny. But what would an old mountain goat like me have to say to the President & Congress? Come on, everybody, let's do the Virginia Reel.

Elly: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Armstrong: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
Elly: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
Armstrong: At present, we're on the Civil War.
Daisy: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
Jed: You boys run along now, you're excused.
Daisy: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
Jed: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
Daisy: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
Jed: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
[winks at Dueser]
Daisy: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
Armstrong: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
Daisy: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
Jethro: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
Armstrong: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
Daisy: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."

Daisy: [sings] Gonna bake a tater pie to give to little Deuse/And it'll taste so good his toes will curl up in his shoes/To bake a tater pie it takes a lot of possum fat/ And I don't that feller chef can bake it in his hat.

Daisy: Back in Tennessee, my old granny had a sayin': Thirteen and fourteen, a girl's in her prime/Fifteen and sixteen, she's still got time/Seventeen and eighteen, she's just about done/Nineteen and twenty, her pa needs a gun.

Daisy: I handed that girl five thousand dollars and she handed it back to me. Said it wouldn't buy nothin'.
Jane: [Jane examines the money] Well, no wonder, Granny. It's Confederate.
Daisy: So am I.

Jethro: If you hadn't made me turn loose that Grunion I captured, I'da had her unload the truck.
Jed: We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy.
Daisy: That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness.
Jethro: Granny, you sure do get things twisted.
Daisy: Do as I say, or you're goin' to get things twisted, startin' with your neck!

Jed: Jethro, I reckon we gotta let Granny blow off that head of steam she built up over Lafe Crick or she's gonna be sputterin' and hissin' like that for weeks.
Jethro: I reckon it'd pleasure her a heap to cut loose and speak her mind.
Jed: Granny, what do you think of Lafe Crick?
Daisy: Why he is the laziest, no-account varmint that ever drawed a breath!
Jethro: Go Granny, go.
Daisy: Why the only hard work that he ever done was to turn over in bed! He can get up in the mornin' with nothin' to do and by nightfall, it's only half done!
Jed: That's it, Granny, mean mouth him good.
Daisy: His woman does all the work over at their place. And the only time she ever got him out in the field, she had to sharpen the stump so he couldn't set down!
Jed: Blow the lid off, Granny, let her fly.
Daisy: The only nickle he ever earned was when his Pa paid him 2 bits to stay away from the house! Why he would whitewash his own Ma and rent her out to haunt houses! Why, he's so lazy, even his scarecrows have to set in a chair! You talk about a liar, why that Lafe Crick wouldn't know the truth if he stepped on it bare-footed!