The Best Spratt Quotes

Miss: Well, if I'm not wanted...
Spratt: When were you last wanted?
Miss: [going out the door] I shall ignore that.

Spratt: [Showing them in] Mrs. Crawley and Doctor Clarkson your ladyship.
[Exits]
Violet: To what do I owe this treat?
Dr. Clarkson: Lady Grantham, you've already changed for dinner, we' ll um, we'll come back tomorrow.
Violet: My curiosity would not brook such a delay.
Isobel: Did Spratt give you the paper knife?
Violet: Yes.
Isobel: Then it's quite clear that Peg did not steal it. Or are you going to argue now that he sneaked it back in here when he realized what kind of trouble he was in?
Violet: [ringing for Spratt] Well, it's a thought.
Isobel: But a despicable one. What can I say to persuade you out of your injustice and stubbornness? Can't you see the damage you do?
Dr. Clarkson: Now, hold your horses, Mrs. Crawley. Lady Grantham has a right to reply.
Violet: Thank you, Doctor Clarkson. Now if you'll put up your cudgels for a moment...
[Spratt enters]
Violet: Oh, Spratt, has the young gardener Pegg brought in the vegetables yet?
Isobel: What?
Spratt: He's in the kitchen now, m'lady.
Violet: Please ask him to step in here.
Spratt: Into the... drawing room, your ladyship?
Violet: Well, ask him to remove his boots if that will soothe your nerves.
[He exits]
Isobel: [wide eyed] I don't understand.
Violet: No, if you wish to understand things you must come out from behind your prejudice and listen.
[Spratt enters with Pegg who is in his stocking feet]
John: Your ladyship?
Violet: Yes. Could you give an account to Mrs. Crawley of what transpired between us this afternoon?
John: [uncomprehending] I'm... sorry, m'lady?
Violet: Tell her what I said to you.
John: Her Ladyship sent for me, so I came. She said she'd been mistaken, in saying that I were a thief, which she knew now to be untrue. She gave me my job back, said she was sorry, and asked if I could forgive her.
Dr. Clarkson: Which you have?
John: I certainly have, doctor.
Violet: Thank you. You may go.
Spratt: Out, now.
[Spratt and Pegg exit]
Violet: Well?
Isobel: Well.
Dr. Clarkson: I'd say that was game, set, and match to Lady Grantham.

[Spratt is busy writing his magazine column when Miss Denker comes in; Spratt hastily hides what he has been working on]
Miss: What are you doing?
Spratt: [evasively] Mind your own business.
Miss: Mr Spratt. I know you resent me.
Spratt: Why would I resent you?
Miss: Because I'm interesting. Because I'm exotic. Because I'm attractive.
Spratt: Oh dear me. This is worse than I thought. Do you always have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction?

Spratt: [walks into kitchen; to Denker] So, this is the famous broth.
Miss: What else would it be?
Spratt: Are you ready to be judged on it?
Miss: I should be judged by you, Mr. Spratt, whatever happens.
Spratt: If you mean I will judge you for promoting yourself through lies and fraud, then, yes, I will. So will she. Your unmasking is at hand.
[leaves the room]
Spratt: [Miss Denker smells the broth, and whimpers]
Violet: [enters the room with Spratt] Oh, Denker.
Miss: Oh.
Violet: I was talking menus with Mrs. Potter and Spratt reminded me about the broth. He didn't want your efforts to be overlooked.
Miss: I'm sure he didn't. Not a chance.
Spratt: Of course the proof of the pudding is in the eating, m'lady.
Violet: Indeed.
[to Denker]
Violet: May I taste it?
Miss: [frightened] Uh... uh...
Violet: [takes a spoon from Denker] Thank you.
[tastes the broth; purses lips in a sign of disgust]
Spratt: I warned you, m'lady.
Violet: [obviously lying] It is... delicious.
Spratt: [shocked] It can't be. It's not possible!
Violet: There's a point, Spratt, where malice ceases to be amusing. I thank you, Denker, very much. I'm not hungry enough to do your soup justice this evening. Let us save its delights for another day.
Miss: Whatever you wish, Your Ladyship. Thank you.
Violet: Thank you.
[leaves]
Miss: Ha ha!
[laughs at Spratt and throws a towel at him]