The Best Velma Kelly Quotes

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Velma: And then some.
Bailiff: Take a seat.
Assistant: Would you state your name for the record, please?
Velma: Velma Kelly.
Assistant: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?
Velma: Yes, it is.
Assistant: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!
Billy: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!
Roxie: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!

Roxie: Mr. Flynn!
[pretends to faint]
Billy: Someone open this door immediately!
Ms. Sunshine: Oh, my God! Roxie! What is it, dear?
Roxie: Oh! Oh! Oh, no no no. Don't, don't worry about me. Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.
Matron: Baby?
Velma: Shit!

Billy: Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of perjury?
Velma: Yes, I do
Billy: You also know that it's a crime?
Velma: Yes
Billy: For example, if you knew this diary was a fake, I'd hate to see you rot away in prison especially since you just won your freedom...
Velma: Look, all I know is what I was told!
Billy: Oh, so you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?
Velma: No. Mama - Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her
Billy: Someone... did she have any idea who this mysterious benefactor could be?
Velma: [Irritated] No, she didn't know!

Velma: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.

Velma: Oh, you're gonna see your sheba do the shimmy-shake... And all that jazz. Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break... And all that jazz. Show her where to park her girdle. Oh, her mother's blood'll curdle if she'd hear her baby's queer for All that jazz...

Billy: Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?
Velma: Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

Roxie: You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested.
Velma: Yeah? You and half of Chicago.

Velma: You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.
Roxie: What's that supposed to mean?
Velma: It means, don't let him hog the spot-light when you're the one they paid to see.

Velma: She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."

Roxie: It'll never work.
Velma: Why not?
Roxie: Because I hate you.
Velma: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Velma: [Rising from the stage alone] 'C'mon Babe, why don't we paint the town... And all that Jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all Jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot... where the gin is cold and the piano's hot. It's just a noisy hall, where there's a nightly brawl... And all that Jazz.

Velma: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

Velma: I just can't take it anymore. You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!
[Mama sits up with her hair dyed blonde like Roxie's]
Velma: Oh no, Mama, not you, too.

Velma: You know you're really pretty good.
Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What are you doing here?
Velma: I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.
Roxie: Yeah, well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.
Velma: Come on, I always knew Billy'd get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.
Roxie: Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list. Right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.

Liz: Pop.
Annie: Six.
June: Squish.
Hunyack: Unh-uh.
Velma: Cicero.
Mona: Lipschitz.

Velma: Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.

Velma: [singing] No I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.

Velma: Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes... And all that jazz. I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues... And all that jazz. Hold on hun we're gonna bunny hug, I bought some aspirin down at united drug. In case we shake apart and want a brand new start to do that Jazz.