20 Best Weekend Update Anchor Quotes

Weekend: Dan, you self-important swine ass.

O.J. Simpson: You know, you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh. Why don't you join Sandy and Marie and I after the show?
Phyllis: [blushing] All three of us? Won't you be a little tired after all that exercize, Juice?
O.J. Simpson: Hey, my mouth don't write no checks my body can't cash.

Weekend: Hayakawa reportedly commented later: I need my sleep. Poor people don't need sleep because they're not working and they don't get tired.

Beldar: Prymaat, we must resist these humans!
Prymaat: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.
Beldar: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!
Prymaat: [they touch cones] Beldar, I haven't heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let's hone our cones right here on the floor.

Chico: Baseball been berry berry good to me. Thank you berry much. Thank you, Hane? Thank you, Hane.
[he is drowned out by the audience applauding]
Weekend: Great job, Chico, I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportcaster.

Joan: [after her daughter die from too much bloodletting] You charlatan! You killed my children, just like you killed the rest of my family! Why don't you admit it! You don't know what you're doing!
Theodoric: [turning toward the camera] Wait a minute. Perhaps she's right. Perhaps I've been wrong to blindly follow the medical traditions and superstitions of the past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test those assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a... "scientific method". Perhaps this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, uh, navigation! Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance!
Theodoric: [after pausing for a moment] Naaaaahhh!

Weekend: In Los Angeles today, actor Ricardo Montalban was kidnapped by a gang of angry midgets. Montalban was released unharmed a short time later, when the midgets admitted they thought they'd kidnapped composer/singer Randy Newman, who bears an amazing resemblance to Montalban from the knees down.

Beldar: On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under the Moons of Mipzor. Now, that's a party! All the gellato spirots will be harvested and smoked.
Connie: So what? Big deal!
Prymaat: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I first saw Beldar's cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued and captured the greased garthok, which was roasted for all to consume.

Weekend: And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.

Jane: [explaining why John Belushi won't speak to Gary Busey] Well, the way he looks at it, you're both young, electrifying, not very good looking actors who speak for the rock generation. So the Academy could only pick one of you and John feels you stole his nomination.

Weekend: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: for the second year in a row, PLO leader Yasser Arafat has been awarded first prize in the annual international Ringo Starr look alike contest. He turned down the prize, which was a weekend in Tel Aviv.

Joan: Mr Mainway, let's talk about the milk you're serving our children. We've taken the libery of having your milk analyzed at the lab. I think the public has a right to know. It's dog milk.
Irwin: Yeah, so what? Dogs are mammals, aren't they?
Joan: I don't know where you get it, how you get it or who actually milks the dogs, and I don't care to know.
Irwin: Well, it's your loss, Miss Face, because it's a very interesting process, let me tell ya.

Richard: I got a million slogans. Look at this one: The New Dick. Isn't that nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
Pat: It's short and sweet but I don't think everybody wants to see it.

Lana: Have you ever noticed how you never see Clark and the Flash together at the same time?
Lois: [thinks about it] Hmm...

Connie: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends and their Halloween activities.
Prymaat: Activities?
Connie: Apple bobbing.
Prymaat: Apple bobbing?
Connie: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. The emersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyant fruit with a major orifice.
Prymaat: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Weekend: Earlier this October, Congress extended the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional state legislature has ratified this most basic affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am therefore calling on the women of America to place a moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any male until the ERA is the law.

Weekend: Oh, Jane, by the way, you left these earrings in my apartment.
[hands her the earrings]
Weekend: Oh.
Weekend: Under the pillow. Laraine found them.

Tammy: I didn't make the cheerleaders squad.
Betty: Oh, that's a shame, Tammy, you worked your heart off for that team.
Jeff: Yeah, bum trip.

Weekend: I'm Dan Aykroyd and I eat, sleep and snort news, if you catch my drift.
Weekend: And I'm Jane Curtin, and I catch your drift, Dan.

Weekend: Senator Edward Kennedy's wife Joan, who has lived alone for the past two years, said this week that if her husband were elected President, she would live in the White House. Kennedy, informed ofher decision, immediately withdrew from the race.