The Best Al Franken Quotes

Kyle S.: And you know what?
Stuart: What?
Kyle S.: Chicken Butt.

Al: You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of "Saturday Night", decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then, then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them, them, we missed. So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken.

Bill: You wanna swap wives?
Jerry: I'm not married, Bill.
Bill: Do you have anything you wanna swap?
Jerry: Well, not really.
Bill: Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.
Jerry: There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.
Bill: No, I won't bring it up if you don't.
Saunders: I'll bring it up.
Bill: Saunders!
Saunders: Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

[repeated line]
Stuart: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!

Captain: Mr. Hodo! Mr. Spunk! Is this how men act on a man's ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I'm afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment! Well, Mr. Hodo?
Mister: Captain, it's a - I did indeed take Mr. Spunk's spot. I am ready to accept my punishment...
First: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.
Shipmate: Captain, I encouraged this fight, punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!
Shipmate: Me, Captain! Punish me!
Captain: Stop! Stop this, I've heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful and well befits a crew of men. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will suffer punishment.

Stuart: Michael, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Princess: I'm Princess Leia.
Frankie: Wow, a real princess from outer space.
Buzz: Princess... Lay - ah!
[bursts out laughing]
Annette: You see, this is the 50's, and nice girls don't go all the way.
Frankie: So we're so horny, we'll laugh at anything that even sounds dirty.

Weekend: Thank you for sharing your opinions and good luck.
Lyndon: I'll get you for that.

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!