150 Best Will & Grace Quotes

Karen: 'k guys, where's Jack? We got to move this along. I got Stella McCartney meeting me at the manse for a fitting and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her.
Karen: It's fun to mess with vegans.

Jack: My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.

Will: A sex dream about Ang Lee? What was that like?
Grace: A little slow-paced, but visually stunning.

[playing Celebrity]
Larry: If I ever see her face again, I'll shoot myself.
Will: Paris Hilton.
Larry: The other one.
Will: Lindsay Lohan.
Larry: The other one.
Will: Tom Cruise.
Larry: Yes!

Will: [Sitting next to the roaring fire. He is very hot. There are two large bottles of water on his table]
[to: ]
Will: Excuse me, can you bring me another mineral water? I think this one evaporated.

Larry: He has a big ass and can't cook. No offense, Grace.

Karen: It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless.

Jack: My boss is on my case. He says I've got to have a more professional relationship with my secretary, or else I have to fire her. He gave me an old tomato.
Will: Old tomato?
Jack: Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other? You have to eat it or throw it. Old tomato.
Will: Oh, I see. I was confused, 'cause you know, I pronounce it old tomahto.

Grace: The only reason you were offered a job, is so that he can slither out of the lawsuit.
Will: Of course. That ruthless bastard offered me a 5-year contract, paid vacation, a huge signing bonus, all to make a dispute over slipcovers go away. How could I have been so blind.
Grace: Why do your people always go to sarcasm first?

Grace: [returning from first class] You will not believe this: Leo is in first class.
Will: Leo DiCaprio is in first class?

Karen: I love Chinatown. You can buy a bag of zippers this big for a dollar.
[gestures]
Karen: I hand them out to poor kids. I love to watch the look on their little faces as they zip and unzip their new toy.

Karen: And the fruit is now a vegetable

Jack: [when Beverley approaches him] Beat it, homo!

Lyle: I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.

Grace: We're having a whole I Love Lucy discussion. Will is obviously Ricky.
Jack: Oh, Will is totally a Ricky.
Grace: And I think we all know who the Lucy is.
Jack: Oh, totally.
Grace: It's me! You? That's crazy! I'm Lucy!
Will: Aye-yi-yi...

[Will, dressed like Capt. Von Trapp, is standing in the lobby of the wrong movie theater. James walks up and hands him his ticket stub]
James: Here you go.
Will: What am I supposed to do with this?
James: Well, you're supposed to tear it in two, give me one half, and, I guess, keep the other half for your big theater scrapbook.
Will: I'm not an usher.
James: Well, then, why are you dressed like an usher?
Will: I'm not. I'm Captain Von Trapp. I have seven singing children and my cold heart was recently melted by a young nun.
James: Where do you think you are?
Will: Uh, at the "Sound of Music" Sing-a-Long. Where do you think you are?
James: At the 7:40 showing of "Memoirs of a Geisha."
Will: Ooh... I think you're in the wrong place.
[just then, many movie patrons exist the theater]
James: If this isn't the theater showing "Memoirs of a Geisha," then why are all these people coming out, going "eh?"

Jack: I fooled around with Josh.
Grace: What?
Jack: Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will: There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace: What does that mean?
Will: I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.

Will: Got a hot date?
Jack: No, but the guy who's dating me does.

Karen: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!

Jack: The more you know... and shooting star!

Liz: So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss and he paid half the rent so he'd have some place nice to do it. But then he got murdered... and I couldn't really afford it on my own. So what's your story?
Karen: Since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace and even though I've made a lot of swell friends... it's lonely.
[Karen tries to pour a soda into a glass without opening it]
Karen: I want a real home, with real people. I mean you're real, right?
Liz: [Liz opens the soda... Karen looks in awe as she pours the soda] Super real. So, okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with.
Karen: Um, true!
Liz: False! I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz.
Karen: You're in music?
Liz: I didn't want to put it on the ad because you get all these wannabees knocking on the door. I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections that you see on TV. You know "Hits of the 80's", "Ladies of the 80's", "Rock Ballad's of the 80's"... "the 90's".
Karen: Well I can see why you'd want to keep that a secret Liz. I mean you must really never know if people are liking you for you or the 80's hits.
Liz: You should know that I like things done a certain way, just ask Melissa and Keith. They work under me. Like if they're 5 minutes late for work, I look at my watch, I look at them and they just get it. Oh my God I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up... cut to me still talking about myself.
Karen: Um, Liz, I know we haven't known each other very long, but I think, that you might be, just about the most interesting person I've ever met... I could learn tons from you.
Liz: Okay, okay, true or false... I think you're great?
Karen: Um, false.
Liz: True!
Karen: Oh this game is so hard!

Jack: [to Beverley Leslie] I'm Sorry, I'm a little bit confused. Em, how am i gonna put this delicately? You're a raging 'mo yourself

Jack: Shut up, Patti LuPone! Shut your brassy, magnificent trap! I don't want to hear you sing! I don't want to cut your hair! And I *certainly* don't want to hear you singing while I cutting your hair! Got it? Now I'm talking to my best friend, so stand back, Buenos Aires!

Karen: Trust me, honey. You do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.

Jack: Weirdly, this is not the first time a nun has urged me to stay in the closet.

Karen: Jack you will do this like any other respectable woman, lay on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags!

Karen: I thought long and hard about how to help you come out to Crystal.
Beverley: What on Earth are you talking about?
Karen: The secret you told me when you were guzzling morphine - like a little hamster.
Beverley: What exactly did I tell you?
Karen: That you like Ding Dongs more than Ho Hos. That you gobble more hot dogs than a Japanese competitive eater. That you've been ridden by more bears than a tricycle in a Russian circus. Pip-posterius.
Beverley: Me, a homosexual? The very idea makes me howl with manly laughter.
[high-pitched laugh]

[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack: [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace: Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis: Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis: And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack: Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?

Karen: Oh. It's easy to get caught up. You spin the spinner and call your spot. Twister will tie you up in a knot.

Jack: He's my arch-nemesissy.

Karen: [sympathetically] Oh, Grace...
Grace: What?
Karen: Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace".

Grace: [right after Will came out] That's not a compliment! A compliment is "You're sexy. You turn me on"! not Not "One look at you and I know I'm queer"!

Karen: It's the oldest story in the book. Boy meets girl. Boy wants girl to do dominatrix film. Girls says, "Naked?" Boy says, "Yeah." Girl says, "No way." Boy says, "Okay how about you just wear this rubber dress and beat this old guy with a scrub brush?" Girl says, "How hard?"

Grace: Stan? Stan's alive? But we were at the funeral...we scattered a trash bag full of his ashes!

Jack: That's it? That's your story? That stunk! You're supposed to make him feel better about his dad not worse about his friends.

[while watching basketball on TV]
Grace: Have you seen Matt yet?
Will: Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa.
Jack: Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.

[Grace has broken Will's mother's Lladro figurine, and is panicked that she knows. Marilyn is on her way up to their apartment, and Will wants her to just lie]
Will: Grace. What are you worried about? You didn't do anything. Right?
Grace: Right.
Will: Right. So anything she has to say about the fate of her figurine is new information, and should be met with shock. Let's try it. Um...
[imitates his mother]
Will: Grace, my Lladro is broken!
Grace: [immediately] DEAR GOD, NO!
Will: [pause] Yeah, you're - you're *mildly* surprised, not being asked to give money to charity.

Will: You know, people who say that money doesn't buy happiness - they're just not trying hard enough.

Grace: Was that a proposal or a suicide note?

Stuart: [to Will, about Jack] I want you to set us up. I want him to be the lord of my ring.

Will: No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack: Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will: No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack: Jack who?
Will: Jack you.
Jack: Jack me?
Will: No thanks.

Will: [Grace's sister is showing off her Ann Taylor dress bought with her employee discount] No-one does fashion on a budget like Ann. Except Lane Bryant, but, y'know, that, that's for biggies... Also, Jones New York. Actually very reasonable. Great separates. But you can build a suit in any of those places.
Grace: OK, I want you to stop while you're still a man.

Will: When you said older guys are dramatic, what do you mean?
Blake: Well, you just - you make a big deal about everything.
Will: You realize the happy life you have is because we made a big deal about things.
Blake: [a bit defensive] Yeah. Will, I know all about Stonehenge.
Will: [slowly, in disbelief] Do you mean Stonewall?
Blake: I'm actually not quite sure what either one is.
Will: [outraged] Do you seriously, seriously not know...
Blake: Who cares, so I'm not a history puff.

Jack: [screaming] Karen! You're bending my ethnic porn!

Grace: Oh, how cute! Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes.
Jack: Yeah, I don't think those are girls.

Malcolm: Ooh... conflict of interest. Someone went to the university of fancy.

Grace: It's time!

Jack: This is fun, Grace, goin' to the movies on a weekday.
Grace: Why do you have the day off?
Jack: Oh, bomb scare at OutTV. Everyone got the day off to see the new Jude Law movie, because they're scared it's gonna bomb.

Karen: [to Rosario] Rosie, what are you doing here?
Rosario: I wouldn't miss it. I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production.
Karen: Oh, Ro-Ro. I would have paid six chickens to see that.
Rosario: It was an equity theater, you racist bitch.

Jack: [to Will] That's funny. Do I hear screaming? Oh, no, that's just the buttons on your shirt.

Grace: What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
Karen: What?
Grace: Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that...
Karen: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."

[the planned get-together for Thanksgiving with Vince's family has to be cancelled, and lately Grace has been having sex dreams]
Grace: Great. No sex, and now no turkey.
Karen: Well... either way, no stuffin' for you.

Grace: Do you think people can tell I'm Maria even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp?
Karen: Of course, honey. You make a perfect Maria. You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun.
[Grace stops smiling]
Karen: Because you're a whore.
Grace: Thanks, Karen.
Karen: And a Jew.
Grace: Yeah, I got it.

[Karen is offended because Grace said that she, Karen, could not be trusted as a babysitter]
Grace: Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but taking care of children is a huge responsibility. It's more "Tickle Me, Elmo" and less... "Let's fill Elmo up with drugs and smuggle him across the border."

Karen: [to Grace] Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'.

Jack: Hello Ro. He-Ro! I'm Jack, Will's friend. Not like Will and your brother are "friends." Okay. And one day they'll eventually be "roommates." And then the proud parents of a Chinese girl
Ro: I know my brother's gay. I've known it since high school when he beat up some guy for saying Lee Majors looked dopey.

Jack: [Jack runs into Will's ex-boyfriend Vince at George Truman's funeral] I'm going to be playing a COP in a new TV show and I would love some pointers. The only COP things I've done is use handcuffs and say to someone, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?".

Will: Your package is dripping.
Malcolm: What can I say? I like her.

Karen: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency.

Jack: [to Josh Lucas] It's like you're Matt Damon and I'm Ben Affleck and I just made "Gigli". Or "Paycheck". Or "Bounce". Or "Jersey Girl". Or "Surviving Christmas".

Vince: [storms into the apartment; Will wants to say something] Wait, I memorize this and I gotta get it out: My shift is over. Here's the key to my apartment.

Rosario: I'd wring her neck but I don't want to be standing in a puddle of gin.

Grace: I am running for president of the New York Society of Interior Designers, and you have a ton of followers, and I would love a shout-out.
Noah: What? No, I'm not here for that. I saw a crowd, and thought there'd be appetizers.
Grace: I so get that. I was technically a Scientologist for, like, a minute, because their Welcome Center had great chicken salad.
Noah: I was in AA for the donuts, but left because of the cameraderie.

Grace: Sometimes I wish I were a Republican. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anyone's feelings. The only thing I'd have to worry about is being indicted.

Larry: [playing Celebrity] Famous for nothing.
Will: Carmen Electra.
Larry: Yes!

Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

[Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbours]
Will: Come on, Jack, let's try the back door.
Jack: Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!

Marilyn: Oh Grace, have you seen this new show "Desperate Housewives"?
Marilyn: My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it. You know, one shot every fives minutes.

Karen: I love Filipinos; they're Asian but not cocky about it.

Karen: Oh Minnie Driver, who ever told you, you could pull off a leather jumpsuit?

Will: [after seeing Grace and Nick kissing each other] God that image is so disturbing I have to go wash my hair!

Karen: [on hiring Jack to play a straight man in a commercial] No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

Jack: Wow, that was just like "The O.C.". Just without 25-year old teenagers and 35-year old parents.

James: So, what is it about the "Sound of Music" that makes otherwise reasonable people dress up and act like lunatics?
Will: You're asking the wrong person. I'm just going for my friends. I'm not really a fan. I think the whole movie is dopey and sentimental...
James: Oh, really? 'Cause I love it.
Will: Oh, thank God, because I love it too!

Karen: Well, honey, if they did like me more than you, it was only because I was kind and I listened, and I let them bang me under the bleachers while their friends watched.

Will: Did no one read my email?
Grace: Which email?
Karen: What's email?

Grace: We're the flippers who care.

Jack: Ah, you missed a great wrap-party at White castle last night. Woho, it was off the hook.

Karen: Y'know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Will and Grace.
Jack: Right. It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Will & Grace show.

Karen: Where the hell have you been?
Rosario: Riding a llama in Neverland. Where do you think? I was cleaning.

Karen: Gin, Please!
Gin: Stop begging.
Karen: No, I was ordering. Gin, Please! Please, you have to forgive me. I have no other choice.
Gin: The question is can you forgive yourself for casting me out after leaving me so hideously deformed? Unable to dance... To skip... To read.
Karen: Why can't you read?
Gin: Eh, I don't want to.

Karen: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.

Karen: Oh, coulda shoulda Prada!

Karen: So that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him and you said no?
Jack: But I don't like him.
Karen: Since when is that a problem?
Jack: Well played.
[pause]
Jack: I can't do it.
Karen: Oh you'll do it. You'll do it the same way any self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.

Lucille: We tell people we're sisters. But we're really... *sisters.*

Karen: Wow that may have been the greatest day of my life. I love errands. They're like mini-adventures for undesirables.
Liz: Okay so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding down like my last roommate cuz that is just f-ed up.
Karen: Well you don't have to worry about me Liz, I intend to pull my own weight around here.
Liz: Now did you take a look at the chore wheel? Cuz you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower.
Karen: Wow, how did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words.
Liz: Karen you shouldn't of bought this cheesecake I'm like totally eating healthy this week. Ugh! Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake.
Karen: Oh Liz, I love when you do "cut to me".
Liz: Everybody does.
Karen: [pulling out a jug of wine] Oh Lizzy, I rented us a video
Liz: You are gonna get me into so much trouble.
Karen: If you're lucky!
Liz: You're crazy!
Karen: Like a fox!
Liz: I doubt it!
Karen: You wish!
Liz: Don't I ever!
Karen: You and what army?
[Karen has a huge laugh]
Karen: Oh Lizzy.

Grace: Tonight I'm gonna be better. I know it. Look, I've been playing with myself and I feel much more confident.
Will: Funny, it just makes me feel sleepy.

Karen: [after Will told her that James cut into line in the coffee house] No, not at all, honey. I mean, that's the same way that we used to get bread and juice during the Great Depre... 80s.

Grace: [Looking at Sal] I am so into him.
Karen: Yeah, well I'm double into him.
Grace: Well I'm gonna ask him out.
Karen: I'm going to ask him to move in.
Grace: He gave me a hickey.
[Points to her breast]
Karen: [Points to her belly] He gave me a child! I am pregnant Grace!
Grace: No you're not. You can't get pregnant from kissing.
Karen: Oh thank God!
Sal: [On his cellphone] Hey I just bagged two old ladies.
[Watching them look at him]
Sal: I may need to borrow your dad's toolshed later.

Jordan: The last time I saw grandpa, we played baseball in the backyard. Well, we played "A League of their Own". He was Tom Hanks, I was everybody else.

[Will is trying to convince Karen not to fire her pastry chef, whom he has the hots for]
Will: He's a genius. He's an artist. You wouldn't fire Picasso, would you?
Karen: I would, and I did! He put both my breasts on the same side of my body. I wouldn't take that from my plastic surgeon, and I wouldn't take it from him!

[Vince is in the shower]
Grace: [knocks] Vince, hurry up!
[to Will]
Grace: Your boyfriend's been in the shower for 20 minutes. All the cops you could've dated, and you hook up with Dirty Mary?
Will: Grace, he's a gay Catholic - he may never feel clean.

Cheryl: Mrs. Walker? Cheryl Bricker-Fossberg, Taylor and Hayden's mom.
Karen: I have no idea what you just said.

Karen: They shrunk the vodka!

Karen: ...so shave what needs shaving and boil the rest.

Jack: I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out.
Karen: I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing?

Grace: Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet?
Pam: Right after my smoke break.
Grace: I already told you, there is no smoking here.
Pam: It is part of my religion.
Karen: Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second?
Grace: It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is where I draw the line.

Will: [to Jack] You and Beverley Leslie. I actually think you found someone you're too butch for.

Jack: Life is too short to waste time on over thinking things. When an opportunity comes, I don't question it. I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn!

Will: Whoop-de-freaking-doo!

Jack: This place can't fix you, because you aren't broken.

Vince: [asking Will to move in with him] I want us to live together. Why are you such a bitch all the time?

Karen: So, what we're doin'?
Jack: What all teenage girls do. Which is remarkable similar to what gay men do. Talk about boys, obsessed of our bodys and make fun of people.

Grace: [to Jack] Today I'm handing out lollipops and ass-whoopins and right now, I'm all out of lollipops.

Will: Well, I was going to this art opening...
Jack: Ooh, that sounds great, I'd love to join you!
Will: It's not a person named Art, you understand?
Jack: Yes, I know. But there's always a lot of rich old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.

Joe: I have to say, Will, when I head James was Canadian, I thought Blech. But, you know, I didn't know they made them like that.
Will: Well, I'm glad you guys like him.
Larry: Like him? I'd sell my mother to a cult just to see him take off his shirt.
Ellen: And Grace gets to marry him. I hate her.
Will: But, you know, James isn't just good looking. He's also charming and smart...
Ellen: ...and could pound me like a piece of veal.
[Larry and Joe look at her questioningly]
Ellen: What? You guys were thinking it.
Larry: [smirking] I was.
Joe: I am now.

Grace: [after seeing loads of pills fall out of a closet in the Karen's bathroom] What kind of prescription plan are you on by the way?
Will: I think it's the 'sneak a truck across the Canadian border' plan

Grace: Wait, you haven't updated your will in 15 years? Will, you update your Barry Manilow fan site web thing every day.
Will: It has a name, Grace. It's called "The Mani-Lowdown" and people depend on it.

Karen: Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
Jack: [rolls eyes and does so]

Will: A long drive with your father? Grace, that's a gift. I'd give anything to have that kind of time to talk to my Dad again.
Grace: It is different with girls. Your relationship with your Dad changes the second you get boobs.
Will: So there's still time for you.

[Ellen asked Grace to baby-sit her kids but is now upset because she assumed Will would be there as well and he is out of town and she no longer wants Grace to do it]
Ellen: You know what I just realized? Rob's sister can probably do it. She lives closer to us anyway.
Grace: Judy? The one who has to turn the lights on 14 times or the oceans will dry up?
Karen: Ellen, why would you leave your kids with someone who has such an important job?

Dr. DiLorenzo: So much to process being Newly gay. Actually I've known for twenty-six years, but Saturday, I tried on a pair of short-shorts and said 'these legs belong on a man's shoulders."
Will: Well, we all have our origin story.

Lyle: [When getting Rosario's attention] Manuel

[after seeing Karen's mother]
Rosario: Santa Maria, it has a mother.

Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.

Will: Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.
Ben: I know Mrs. Walker.
Karen: Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.
Ben: No, you just gave me your drink order.
Karen: Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it.

Noah: Don't take it personally, OK? I just think people like you are ruining the city. Did you know there are now more cupcake shops than porno theatres in my neighborhood? Who wants to live in that world?
Grace: I do. Porn is gross, and we are living in the golden age of cupcakes.
Noah: New York doesn't need beautification, OK, it needs uglification. Bring back Lincoln Plaza cinemas and Little Mike's.
Grace: I found a mouse in my soda at Little Mike's once. It hadn't finished drowning yet.
Noah: So you drink around it. It's New York!

Jack: I've got the Evian flu!
[pause]
Jack: I shared a bottle of water with a stranger at the gym.

Grace: Can't you just wait a few more minutes? You have the best table in the restaurant.
Will: Yes, if you enjoy dining on the sun. Look at me, Grace! My back is sweating so much, my underwear is like a bucket!

Jack: We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right?
Grace: Who isn't?

Karen: Because I'm a lady, assface!

Will: [Jack takes Will out to a new club] Are you sure this is a gay club? Middle-aged women keep bumping into me, and this song is like 28 years old.
Jack: It's a straight club right now. It doesn't turn gay until 9:00.
Will: Had a roommate in college who was the same way.

Karen: Grace. It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.

Karen: So, did you have time to look over my divorce papers?
Will: Oh, yeah, uh, looks like Stan got the cabin in Vermont, but you got Vermont.
Karen: Suck it, New England!
Will: Jack used to have a tank top that said that.
Karen: [Will hands her the divorce documents] So, now what, I just sign these, and that's it?
Will: Pretty much. Once you've done that, you're no longer Mrs Stanley Walker.
Karen: Hm. It's that easy.
Will: You OK? You've gotta be struggling with how hard this is.
Jack: I had a tank top that said that, too.
Karen: Good Lord, why is everybody making such a big deal out of this. What do you want me to sing a torch song, or something? I'm fine.
Jack: Oh, Karen, I know this is hard to swallow.
Jack: [Karen just points to the general area of Jack's chest] Yes, a t-shirt.

Will: That's my Grace. You're a good person. Just like Jake Gyllenhaal. I don't know, sometimes when I look at my screen saver, I think... 'Yeah, you're thinking about me, too.'
Grace: You know, I used to feel that way about Sarah Jessica Parker. But then, we shared an elevator ride together and she poked me in the boob with an umbrella and didn't apologize.
Will: Were you trying to hug her?
Grace: That's not important.

Will: Ahhhh, gettin' older sucks.
Karen: And we're only getting older. Every second closer to death... And now we're closer... And now we're closer... And now...
Will: [interrupting the inevitable repetition] OK... another way to look at it is, right now we're the youngest we'll ever be, so we might as well enjoy it.
Karen: Oh, that's true, honey. Plus, who cares if we're getting older. We're both filthy ri... I mean, age is only a number.

[Vince has told Will he's booked lunch for both of them with his lieutenant]
Will: Can't we get out of that? You said the guy's a racist homophobe!
Vince: And anti-Semite. It just doesn't come up much cos there are no Jewish cops or perps.

[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will: Val? What are you doing?
Val: Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack: Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will: I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.

Will: You guys can never forget the struggle that came before you. The people that fought, and loved, and died so that you could walk down the street in skinny jeans with rights you never knew you never had. The minute we forget what we went through to get here, is the minute it could all be taken away.

[at Christmas]
Rosario: [entering] Miss Karen? We have a little visitor.
Karen: Oh, for god's sake, I'm not your mother. You know where the tampons are!
Karen: [annoyed] It's your stepdaughter Olivia, you ghost of Christmas passed-out.

Grace: [sobbing] I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. And all the people are pigs. And I'm the pretty one, but everyone thinks I'm ugly because they're all pigs and they think pigs are pretty.

Will: Apparently she's never liked any of his boyfriends, so I'm gonna take her for a day of shopping. Give her a whole "Pretty Woman" makeover, without spending more than $100
Grace: Where you taking her shopping? Flint, Michigan?

Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace: Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.

Jack: I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!

Karen: Hit the road, you syphilitic toad.
Lyle: Karen, if there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's rhyming insults.
Lorraine: Sow.
Karen: Cow.
Lorraine: Runt.
Lyle: Stop it!

Leo: I stood behind Julie Andrews in a book store once. Between you and me, she looked a lot more 'Victor' than 'Victoria'.

Stuart: [to Will] I want to sell it all. Don't wanna invent stuff no mo'. Just wanna sit back and count my moneys. "My Preciousss..."
[Will laughs nervously]
Stuart: See, you got that 'cause you saw it.

Rosario: [to Karen] The only way this could taste better is if I were eating it on your grave!

[Lyle walks in]
Lyle: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen: What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.
Karen: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my -
[realizes]
Karen: Hey!
Lyle: Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.
Grace: Really, I'm uncomfortable.
Karen: It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it.
Lyle: Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak...
Grace: Please, one of us has to go!
Karen: Get out.
Lyle: Very well. But know this: Every vagina...
Grace: GET OUT!

Cher: Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.
Jack: Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless.
Cher: Whatever.
Jack: Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.
Cher: I've had a lot of practice.
Jack: Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.
Cher: Ya think so?
Jack: Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe"
Cher: Are you kidding me with this?
Jack: OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe"
Cher: Get a life.
[walks away then turns around]
Cher: [sings] If I could turn back time.
Jack: [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe.
Cher: [slaps Jack] Snap out of it!
[she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]

[a waiter sits Patti LuPone next to Jack]
Waiter: Ms. LuPone, I just want to say I saw you in "Evita" when I was sixteen. I came out by intermission.
Patti: [flattered] I hear that a lot. Sometimes, I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village.

Beverley: [walks into the room; sees Karen and Grace] Well, well, well. Karen Walker and her Jewess.

Karen: He's back, he's moved in, and we're shagging like two lieutenants after lights out!

Grace: Thanks a lot! Now it's a tenth anniversary suck-tacular!

Grace: You have had some lousy birthdays. Remember when we went to see James Taylor, and that drunk roadie peed on you?
Will: Ironically, during "Shower the People".

Jack: [Celebrating with, Karen, getting Grace & Will back together] Hey, let's get a dessert! Nothing too filling. Something small and fruity with lady fingers.
[Beverley Leslie walks in]

[Grace broke Marilyn's Lladro figurine at a party and hid it under her couch]
Marilyn: I have some very sad news, Will. Fiona was cleaning after the party yesterday -
[starts crying]
Marilyn: and she found Ouisan in pieces on the floor. Ouisan is dead, Will. She's dead!
Grace: Ouisan? Well, she sounds like someone who was ready to go anyway.
Marilyn: She was a very rare Lladro figurine. And somebody broke her. Oh, I bet it was that Skippy Faber, the clumsy drunk. Grace, you were talking to her. Was she slurring?
Grace: Uh, a little. But I really couldn't tell 'cause she was...
[raises her arms stiffly]
Grace: stumbling around and waving her arms.
Marilyn: I knew it! I am going to wait until April and pour bleach on her roses.
Will: Well, hey, that's something to look forward to.
Marilyn: I'm just going to splash some cold water on my face, and then I'll be going.
[exits crying]
Will: [whispers to Grace] This is perfect! This is what happens when you keep your mouth shut. Skippy Faber takes the fall!
Grace: So, that's it? I just let Skippy hang for my crime?
[considers]
Grace: Ah, she's German. We'll just call it even.

[Will is shaking Grace to wake her from her dream of the future]
Will: Sweetie, wake up. You were dreaming. You kept mumlbing "bacon" and "fat ass". It's scary to make that connection, huh?

Grace: [to Ellen after Will tells her he's gay] How could I not have known? He was Boy George for Halloween, he has a diffuser on his hairdryer, and he's prettier than me.

[Jack is angry with Karen]
Karen: Hi, poodle.
Jack: Mm. How are you?
[to Grace]
Jack: Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?
Grace: [confused] His name is Martin Adler.