Top 50 Quotes From Karen Walker

Liz: So I had this apartment to myself for 10 years because I was having an affair with my boss and he paid half the rent so he'd have some place nice to do it. But then he got murdered... and I couldn't really afford it on my own. So what's your story?
Karen: Since my marriage ended I've been living at The Palace and even though I've made a lot of swell friends... it's lonely.
[Karen tries to pour a soda into a glass without opening it]
Karen: I want a real home, with real people. I mean you're real, right?
Liz: [Liz opens the soda... Karen looks in awe as she pours the soda] Super real. So, okay, true or false? I'm easy to live with.
Karen: Um, true!
Liz: False! I'm a nitpicker supreme. I think it comes from all my years as a professional in the music biz.
Karen: You're in music?
Liz: I didn't want to put it on the ad because you get all these wannabees knocking on the door. I'm an office manager for the company that does those collections that you see on TV. You know "Hits of the 80's", "Ladies of the 80's", "Rock Ballad's of the 80's"... "the 90's".
Karen: Well I can see why you'd want to keep that a secret Liz. I mean you must really never know if people are liking you for you or the 80's hits.
Liz: You should know that I like things done a certain way, just ask Melissa and Keith. They work under me. Like if they're 5 minutes late for work, I look at my watch, I look at them and they just get it. Oh my God I totally just bragged. Please tell me to shut up... cut to me still talking about myself.
Karen: Um, Liz, I know we haven't known each other very long, but I think, that you might be, just about the most interesting person I've ever met... I could learn tons from you.
Liz: Okay, okay, true or false... I think you're great?
Karen: Um, false.
Liz: True!
Karen: Oh this game is so hard!

Karen: I thought long and hard about how to help you come out to Crystal.
Beverley: What on Earth are you talking about?
Karen: The secret you told me when you were guzzling morphine - like a little hamster.
Beverley: What exactly did I tell you?
Karen: That you like Ding Dongs more than Ho Hos. That you gobble more hot dogs than a Japanese competitive eater. That you've been ridden by more bears than a tricycle in a Russian circus. Pip-posterius.
Beverley: Me, a homosexual? The very idea makes me howl with manly laughter.
[high-pitched laugh]

Karen: I love Filipinos; they're Asian but not cocky about it.

Karen: Gin, Please!
Gin: Stop begging.
Karen: No, I was ordering. Gin, Please! Please, you have to forgive me. I have no other choice.
Gin: The question is can you forgive yourself for casting me out after leaving me so hideously deformed? Unable to dance... To skip... To read.
Karen: Why can't you read?
Gin: Eh, I don't want to.

Karen: So has Grace met your new fella?
Will: Not yet.
Karen: Then how do you know if you like him?

Will: Ben Doucette, Karen Walker.
Ben: I know Mrs. Walker.
Karen: Oh, yeah... I remember you. Stan and I met you at the Whitney opening. You were the bartender. Yeah.
Ben: No, you just gave me your drink order.
Karen: Yeah... and I'm still waiting for it.

Karen: Jack you will do this like any other respectable woman, lay on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags!

Grace: We're having a whole I Love Lucy discussion. Will is obviously Ricky.
Jack: Oh, Will is totally a Ricky.
Grace: And I think we all know who the Lucy is.
Jack: Oh, totally.
Grace: It's me! You? That's crazy! I'm Lucy!
Will: Aye-yi-yi...

Karen: Oh. It's easy to get caught up. You spin the spinner and call your spot. Twister will tie you up in a knot.

Karen: [on hiring Jack to play a straight man in a commercial] No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'em. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

[Jack is angry with Karen]
Karen: Hi, poodle.
Jack: Mm. How are you?
[to Grace]
Jack: Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?
Grace: [confused] His name is Martin Adler.

Grace: Pam could you answer that?
Pam: Right after my smoke break.
Karen: So inappropriate... smoking in the office. Would anyone mind if I took my boob out?

Karen: It's a victimless crime, like tax evasion or public indecency.

[Will is trying to convince Karen not to fire her pastry chef, whom he has the hots for]
Will: He's a genius. He's an artist. You wouldn't fire Picasso, would you?
Karen: I would, and I did! He put both my breasts on the same side of my body. I wouldn't take that from my plastic surgeon, and I wouldn't take it from him!

[the planned get-together for Thanksgiving with Vince's family has to be cancelled, and lately Grace has been having sex dreams]
Grace: Great. No sex, and now no turkey.
Karen: Well... either way, no stuffin' for you.

Karen: Grace. It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus... up in that tower, letting his hair down... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter.

Jack: So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen: Pretend to care, pretend to care.
Jack: Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
Karen: Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
Jack: Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
Karen: Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like?
Jack: Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen: Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[takes a sip of wine]
Karen: Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
[pauses]
Karen: Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack: I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
Karen: Okay that's just freaky.

Karen: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!

Karen: Oh, coulda shoulda Prada!

Grace: Pam, did you fax over the drawings to the cabinaker yet?
Pam: Right after my smoke break.
Grace: I already told you, there is no smoking here.
Pam: It is part of my religion.
Karen: Smoking in the office... how inappropriate! Hey does anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second?
Grace: It's one thing at dinner Karen but work is where I draw the line.

Karen: [after Will told her that James cut into line in the coffee house] No, not at all, honey. I mean, that's the same way that we used to get bread and juice during the Great Depre... 80s.

Karen: Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
Jack: [rolls eyes and does so]

Karen: Your play sucks harder than a girl with daddy issues.

Karen: So, what we're doin'?
Jack: What all teenage girls do. Which is remarkable similar to what gay men do. Talk about boys, obsessed of our bodys and make fun of people.

[at Christmas]
Rosario: [entering] Miss Karen? We have a little visitor.
Karen: Oh, for god's sake, I'm not your mother. You know where the tampons are!
Karen: [annoyed] It's your stepdaughter Olivia, you ghost of Christmas passed-out.

[a man rushes in to meet Karen]
Man: Miss Walker, I came as soon as you called.
Karen: Well that's really none of my business, but thanks for sharing.

Karen: Y'know, sometimes it seems like our sole purpose in life is just to serve Will and Grace.
Jack: Right. It's like all people see when they look at us are the supporting players on the Will & Grace show.

Karen: I love Chinatown. You can buy a bag of zippers this big for a dollar.
[gestures]
Karen: I hand them out to poor kids. I love to watch the look on their little faces as they zip and unzip their new toy.

Tina: When someone dies, no one ever asks how the mistress is doing.
Karen: Ah, tell me about it. Not one person came up to me at Reagan's funeral.

Karen: Good Lord. I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't somebody just pee directly on me?

Karen: Wow that may have been the greatest day of my life. I love errands. They're like mini-adventures for undesirables.
Liz: Okay so your half of the bill is $30.45 and don't try rounding down like my last roommate cuz that is just f-ed up.
Karen: Well you don't have to worry about me Liz, I intend to pull my own weight around here.
Liz: Now did you take a look at the chore wheel? Cuz you're in charge of emptying the ant traps and organizing the CD tower.
Karen: Wow, how did I go my whole life without ever learning any of those words.
Liz: Karen you shouldn't of bought this cheesecake I'm like totally eating healthy this week. Ugh! Cut to me eating this whole cheesecake.
Karen: Oh Liz, I love when you do "cut to me".
Liz: Everybody does.
Karen: [pulling out a jug of wine] Oh Lizzy, I rented us a video
Liz: You are gonna get me into so much trouble.
Karen: If you're lucky!
Liz: You're crazy!
Karen: Like a fox!
Liz: I doubt it!
Karen: You wish!
Liz: Don't I ever!
Karen: You and what army?
[Karen has a huge laugh]
Karen: Oh Lizzy.

[Lyle walks in]
Lyle: There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire.
[Karen rolls her eyes]
Lyle: Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area.
Karen: Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here.
Grace: [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday.
Lyle: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster.
Grace: Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you.
Karen: That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch.
Lyle: I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips.
Karen: What? Give it back!
[Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling]
Grace: If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums.
Karen: Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my -
[realizes]
Karen: Hey!
Lyle: Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying.
Grace: Really, I'm uncomfortable.
Karen: It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it.
Lyle: Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak...
Grace: Please, one of us has to go!
Karen: Get out.
Lyle: Very well. But know this: Every vagina...
Grace: GET OUT!

Grace: Do you think people can tell I'm Maria even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp?
Karen: Of course, honey. You make a perfect Maria. You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun.
[Grace stops smiling]
Karen: Because you're a whore.
Grace: Thanks, Karen.
Karen: And a Jew.
Grace: Yeah, I got it.

Karen: You know, Honey, normally my motto is "Drugs not hugs", but today I feel different.
[she hugs him]

Karen: They shrunk the vodka!

Karen: [to Grace] Oh Lord, honey, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearin'.

Karen: So, did you have time to look over my divorce papers?
Will: Oh, yeah, uh, looks like Stan got the cabin in Vermont, but you got Vermont.
Karen: Suck it, New England!
Will: Jack used to have a tank top that said that.
Karen: [Will hands her the divorce documents] So, now what, I just sign these, and that's it?
Will: Pretty much. Once you've done that, you're no longer Mrs Stanley Walker.
Karen: Hm. It's that easy.
Will: You OK? You've gotta be struggling with how hard this is.
Jack: I had a tank top that said that, too.
Karen: Good Lord, why is everybody making such a big deal out of this. What do you want me to sing a torch song, or something? I'm fine.
Jack: Oh, Karen, I know this is hard to swallow.
Jack: [Karen just points to the general area of Jack's chest] Yes, a t-shirt.

Karen: So that miniature pony offered you all his money just to take a few rides on him and you said no?
Jack: But I don't like him.
Karen: Since when is that a problem?
Jack: Well played.
[pause]
Jack: I can't do it.
Karen: Oh you'll do it. You'll do it the same way any self-respecting woman does. Get on your back, point your heels to Jesus and think of handbags.

Karen: You say potato, I say vodka.

Karen: Oh honey, I would, but... I don't want to.

Karen: [to Rosario] Rosie, what are you doing here?
Rosario: I wouldn't miss it. I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production.
Karen: Oh, Ro-Ro. I would have paid six chickens to see that.
Rosario: It was an equity theater, you racist bitch.

Grace: What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
Karen: What?
Grace: Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh... guilt is an emotion that - Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that...
Karen: Hey, hey, hey. Come on. I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."

Will: Did no one read my email?
Grace: Which email?
Karen: What's email?

Karen: Well, honey, if they did like me more than you, it was only because I was kind and I listened, and I let them bang me under the bleachers while their friends watched.

Karen: 'k guys, where's Jack? We got to move this along. I got Stella McCartney meeting me at the manse for a fitting and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her.
Karen: It's fun to mess with vegans.

Karen: And the fruit is now a vegetable

Karen: [sympathetically] Oh, Grace...
Grace: What?
Karen: Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace".

Will: Ahhhh, gettin' older sucks.
Karen: And we're only getting older. Every second closer to death... And now we're closer... And now we're closer... And now...
Will: [interrupting the inevitable repetition] OK... another way to look at it is, right now we're the youngest we'll ever be, so we might as well enjoy it.
Karen: Oh, that's true, honey. Plus, who cares if we're getting older. We're both filthy ri... I mean, age is only a number.

Karen: He's back, he's moved in, and we're shagging like two lieutenants after lights out!

Karen: Trust me, honey. You do not want to work in outer space. Nope. You just spend your whole day chasing floating poop.