The Best Dan Corrigan Quotes

Dan: Have these sprouts been done properly?
Jeremy: Yes.
Dan: I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.
Jeremy: Well, they're definitely there.
Mark: Yep.
[voiceover]
Mark: Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.

Pam: [about a play she's written] It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed. But they become less and less repressed due to the influence of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, who leads them through a series of experiences.
Dan: You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 'Elf and Safety, innit?

[During a game of Charades]
Dan: Jez, over here. Got one for you.
[whispers in Jeremy's ear]
Dan: Thus Spake Zarathustra.
Jeremy: Excuse me?
Dan: It's a book by Nietzsche.
[he grins wickedly]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
[he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
Super: Chicken Run.
Jeremy: Correct.
[he goes to sit back down]
Dan: But...
Jeremy: [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
[out loud, innocently]
Jeremy: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.

Mark: [trying out the second-hand paper shredder his dad has given him for Christmas] I guess it is time to move to cross-cut, my old strip-cut was probably a security risk to be honest.
Dan: That's a real shredder, not a Nancy boy shredder.
Mark: [voiceover] Ugh, the office equipment homophobe.

Dan: Now, where's the cauliflower?
Mark: Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.
Dan: [shouts] CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!
[a very awkward silence falls upon the table]
Dobby: I don't know if it really is traditional, actually.
Dan: Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark?
[Dobby's jaw drops. The silence continues]
Mark: [voiceover] I notice I'm not saying anything.
Mark: Ahhhh...
Mark: [voiceover] Still not saying anything...
[Dobby looks at him, waiting for him to say something]
Mark: [voiceover] Nothing coming...
Dobby: [getting up] You'll have to excuse me. Thank you, this has all been horrible.

Dan: We're not playing bleeding Pictionary. It's a made-up game.

Dan: [spills his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!
Mark: It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.
Sarah: You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!
[she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]
Jeremy: Erm, Jezzed?
Pam: We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?
Jeremy: Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...
Pam: When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.
Dan: Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.
Jeremy: Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.
[the doorbell rings]
Jeremy: I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.