The Best Alan Johnson Quotes

Johnson: What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?
Jeremy: I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.
Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.
Jeremy: Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

[Johnson, a former alcoholic, picks up a glass of champagne]
Mark: [grabbing hold of the glass in Johnson's hand] Isn't it like kryptonite? Won't it kill you?
Johnson: I'm not going to drink it, Mark, I'll just take a sniff for old time's sake.
[Mark lets go. Johnson sniffs it, then downs it]
Johnson: More fool you, asshole.

Alan: Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?
Mark: Yeah, great actually old pal.
Alan: Oh really? Cause I thought you might be feeling like a guy who's just walked into a high-class restaurant with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.
Mark: Uh, no?
Alan: I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.
Mark: Oh, right.
Alan: I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?
Mark: [voiceover] Got to get my dick out of the dog.