Top 30 Quotes From Robert Webb

Jeremy: It was a weird and uplifting night of recriminations and complicated legal debate.

Mark: [discussing Jeremy moving out] Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.
Jeremy: Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?
Mark: Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?

Super: It's the heart of darkness Jez, it's the fucking dirt.
Mark: I don't wanna go into the heart of darkness!
Jeremy: Oh come on dude sometimes you gotta flip the switch lift the rock and look what's underneath cause it's not always woodlice.
Mark: Look if that party is too much for Hans excuse me Hans, the crack addled maniac. I'm pretty confident it'll be too much for me.

[Jeremy looks at Raymond the bouncer through the chain link fence]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Standing in front of a thousand glory holes and no one but Raymond to suck me off.

Dan: Have these sprouts been done properly?
Jeremy: Yes.
Dan: I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.
Jeremy: Well, they're definitely there.
Mark: Yep.
[voiceover]
Mark: Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.

[Jeremy makes eye contact with Super Hans' Asian girlfriend]
Jeremy: [voiceover] OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, using a language I'll think she'll understand.
[he mimes feeling a woman's breasts]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Yoko Ono? Or Yoko O-yes?

Jeremy: [voiceover] Hello... she's looking at me. Maybe I should... Why not? Zahra hasn't phoned or texted me for 2 hours, she's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman.

Super: I'm gonna write this place off send someone in there tomorrow with some disinfectant and a flame thrower. I got me sleeping bag I don't wanna know.
Mark: How was it?
Jeremy: Fine let's go.
Mark: What?
Jeremy: Look I don't wanna talk about it alright. I just want a cup of tea and some soda bread and sit down somewhere quiet!
Mark: What's going on in there are they doing it?
Jeremy: Yes Mark that's right they're doing it. You really have no imagination whatsoever do you!
Mark: Well what are they doing then?
Jeremy: Dude don't worry about them cause they sure as hell aren't worrying about you!. Let's just go Hans?
Super: Yep fuck yeah let's go.
Mark: Big Suze's?
Super: Don't mind where as long as it's safe. I just wanna be in a controlled environment have a Coke and a Tuna sandwich just mong out to some Snow Patrol.

[as they are about to leave Big Suze's party, one of her really posh friends approaches Jeremy - earlier Suze had gotten them to serve hors d'oeuvres]
Suze's: Is there any more tartare sauce?
Jeremy: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?
[to Mark and Super Hans]
Jeremy: Let's go before we get fired.

Mark: [looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top] Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.
Jeremy: Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.

Jeremy: Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the Hitches!
Mark: The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.

Jeremy: Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank of Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.
Mark: Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

Mark: Now obviously, this is a fucking disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.
Jeremy: Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.
Mark: Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.

[last lines]
Jeremy: If I was going to kill you, I'd have a great sign-off.
Mark: Yeah?
Jeremy: You always loved history, Mark. Well, now you can be part of it.
[mimes shooting him]
Jeremy: Bang.
Mark: Yeah, not bad, not bad at all. I think I'd just come at you in the night, pillow on the face, cark.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's you all over.
[voiceover]
Jeremy: Aw, we do love each other really.
Mark: [voiceover] I simply must get rid of him.

Jeremy: Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas.
Sarah: It could be, if you play your cards right.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Ugh, not Sarah, not again. Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.

[In reference to Super Hans' stag do, hosted in a juice bar, where the guests are being urged to drink copious amounts of the stuff for hours on end]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed, Which? magazine-approved, childproof, high-vitamin, fucking bullshit.

Super: Oi, Jez! What the fuck?
[makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal]
Super: Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.
Zahra: What? Jeremy, were you?
Jeremy: God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.
Zahra: Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?
Jeremy: I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a...
[does the "OK" hand signal]
Jeremy: ... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"
Super: You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!
Jeremy: Yeah!
Super: You know how I feel about her. You're gonna fucking pay for this.
Jeremy: Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!

Trish: [Whilst among a group of Dobby's friends playing a music quiz in which one person gives vague descriptions of bands/solo artists without using their actual name and the other person must guess the name of the band/solo artist in each description. The person describing the band/solo artist must also not use the actual names of any other bands/solo artists in their description] Right, Jez and Hans... go!
Super: Er, widely regarded to have nicked our sound?
Jeremy: The Chemical Brothers.
Super: Correct. Eh, bullshitters turning wank into cash?
Jeremy: Flaming Lips?
Super: Correct. Oh, arsehole?
Jeremy: LCD Soundsystem.
Super: Fakers?
Jeremy: Pavement.
Super: Yep. Uh, oh, we thought we had her number and you got a bit overexcited, but uh, it turned out to be a not very funny joke?
Jeremy: Lily Allen.
Super: Correct.
[someone laughs off screen]
Super: Phoneys?
Jeremy: Foo Fighters.
Super: Yeah. Uh, oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob?
Jeremy: Mumford & Sons?
Super: Mmm.
Trish: That's your lot!
Super: Oh.
Jeremy: [voiceover] I'm so good at this, but I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.
[shakes his head in disappointment]

[Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]
Super: Happy Christmas, motherfucker.
Jeremy: Hans!
Super: Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.
[reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana]
Super: Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.
Jeremy: [taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.
Mark: Hans?
Super: Merry Christmas, Mark.
Mark: Jeremy...
Jeremy: [quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.
Mark: Well, don't.
Sarah: Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?
Super: [coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.
Mark: [voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.
Jeremy: What?
Mark: It's your fault.
Jeremy: It's not my fault. I was holding the line.
Mark: Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.
Jeremy: Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.
Mark: [voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.

Johnson: What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?
Jeremy: I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.
Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.
Jeremy: Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

Jeremy: Who's the chick?
Super: That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.
Jeremy: Wow. And what does she...
Super: I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.
Jeremy: Right.
Super: I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.
Jeremy: Oh, that's nice.
Super: I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.
Mark: Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.

Mark: Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
Jeremy: What?
Mark: The turkey. Where's the turkey?
Jeremy: I thought you were getting the turkey.
Mark: You what?
[starts shouting]
Mark: NO TURKEY? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!
[Jeremy looks very hurt]
Jeremy: [quiet voice] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
Mark: Oh, I see... oh.
Jeremy: Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious.
[he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside]
Mark: [guilty] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.
Jeremy: [still on the verge of tears] That wasn't very Christmassy.
Mark: No, it wasn't. I apologize.

Jeremy: Quickly, Mark, let's go, we've been rumbled.

Zahra: OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished. I... I found out he slept with someone else.
Jeremy: God. Who would have sex with Ben? Apart from you, obviously.

Jeremy: You're not thinking of getting back with Sophie? A bit of a depressing backwards step?
Mark: Yeah, well, April's kaput. Maybe that's just life, your expectations get ground down and down until finally you settle for a life that would have mortified you 20 years ago but now seems like a blessed relief.

Jeremy: [voiceover] I'm moving in! I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent! I'm her rent boy... but not sucking cock in a phone box, eating pussy on a tumble dryer!

Zahra: Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?
Jeremy: No, not the Hootenanny. Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that. We are going to this party!

Dan: [spills his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!
Mark: It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.
Sarah: You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!
[she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]
Jeremy: Erm, Jezzed?
Pam: We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?
Jeremy: Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...
Pam: When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.
Dan: Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.
Jeremy: Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.
[the doorbell rings]
Jeremy: I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.

[During a game of Charades]
Dan: Jez, over here. Got one for you.
[whispers in Jeremy's ear]
Dan: Thus Spake Zarathustra.
Jeremy: Excuse me?
Dan: It's a book by Nietzsche.
[he grins wickedly]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
[he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
Super: Chicken Run.
Jeremy: Correct.
[he goes to sit back down]
Dan: But...
Jeremy: [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
[out loud, innocently]
Jeremy: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.

Jeremy: [discussing how they're going to kick Jerry out of Mark's apartment] What about going Litvinenko?
Mark: Kill him? With polonium?
Jeremy: Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just
[motions scooping Jerry up with his left hand]
Jeremy: scoop him up like a sick whippet and
[motions throwing Jerry away]
Jeremy: dump him.
Mark: Um...
Jeremy: You might quite like tending him as he grows weaker and weaker.
Mark: [acting out their scenario] "Here's your tea, Jerry. God, you must get better soon."
Jeremy: [acting out their scenario] "Oh, do sit up, Jerry, while I spoon you some more of this slightly silvery porridge."
Mark: [both laugh mischievously]
Jeremy: Should I keep my voice down?
Mark: No, he's an irritatingly sound sleeper. Ear plugs and eye mask, the full blot.
Jeremy: Well, we could start by just... moving his stuff out.
Mark: No. No, we couldn't. Could we?
Jeremy: [looks at Mark mischieviously]