The Best Detective Kelly Quotes

Inspector: [comes into the Squad Room dressed in a patrolman's uniform] Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: For an undercover cop, that's a pretty dumb disguise.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, hold on a second. I don't believe it, that's Florida again.
Capt. Barney Miller: For me or for Fish ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's for Kelly
Detective: Well.. you see Barney, yesterday, I put out a few feelers. Can I take it in your office, Barney?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's what it's for ?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Twelfth Precinct, Detective Sergeant Amenguale speaking... W-would you repeat that please?... Yes, yes, I'm writing it down. Uh-huh very good, thank you. We should be there between ten to fifteen minutes. Thank you very much, goodbye. Barney, I swear to you that is the same guy who called me yesterday
Det. Ron Harris: Here we go round two
Capt. Barney Miller: This time we're all going. Wojo, draw some weapons. Meet you downstairs.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Captain
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, better get your excitement while you can.
Detective: Checks out, Barney. It's registered, all right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, give it back to him. Wait... Draw Mr. Ditka some 38 caliber ammunition.

Capt. Barney Miller: Hello, there, Kelly, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Detective: Detective Third Grade Eugene Kelly, reporting for duty. I've been assigned to your squad
Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
Detective: Manhattan South said you were short handed, so they sent me over. The department likes to keep a guy like me moving around
Capt. Barney Miller: I can understand that.
Detective: Only I, uh, I don't like replacing a guy who just bought the farm
Capt. Barney Miller: Yemana hasn't bought anything more serious than a week on his stomach. Relax. That's his desk over here.
Detective: Oh, hey Barney, do I got to use his desk ?
Capt. Barney Miller: He won't mind.

Detective: Well, here I am back home again at the United Nations. "Bony Diaz" , Chano
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah. Yeah. How you doin' Kelly?
Detective: Ah, Benny, Benny. How are things up in your neighborhood
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh, much better, now that we're moving to Central Park West
Detective: Central Park West ? That's a pretty rich neighborhood? How can your people do that ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: It's a community thing, it's called revolution
Detective: Your putting me on !
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Only for a while

Detective: Over hill, over dale, and .. hey, one , two. Your old army bunkmate -- always keeps you company, never gets pregnant

Detective: Hey, Fish, what happened to Yemana ? Was he cleaning his gun or something ?
Det. Phil Fish: He was ambushed ?
Detective: Ambushed ? Just because he's a Japanese ? Boy, some guys always are trying to get even.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just some guy who don't like cops.
Detective: You know, there's more and more of that. You know, people use to like cops. Back in the old days, we use to be George Murphy, Phil Regan, Pat O'Brien. Nowadays, we're Al Pacino, Richard Roundtree. No wonder, we're getting ambushed

Capt. Barney Miller: Draw Mr. Ditka some 30 caliber ammunition.
Emil: What for?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we could use the extra firepower, Mr. Ditka. That's an ambush. They want to kill police officers. A wonderful opportunity.
Emil: Oh, well now wait a minute. We've only been on maneuvers a couple of times...
Capt. Barney Miller: What? Practical experience is the best experience, you're gonna love it.
Emil: Wait! I don't know if I can get the guys together. Larry's a fry cook, he doesn't get off till 4:30.
Capt. Barney Miller: Come alone.
Emil: No! No, not me. I never shot nobody in my life. You see, we just use silhouettes, cans, birds...
Detective: Birds? You shoot little birds?
Emil: Well yeah-but we really don't shoot to kill...
Capt. Barney Miller: Here's your opportunity, 'c'mon!
Emil: No, no you can't make me go! You can't make me shoot anybody.
Capt. Barney Miller: I thought that's what you wanted.
Emil: ...You're crazy! You cops are crazy!... no wonder people don't like you.
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay Mr. Ditka, it's a wonderful opportunity; you blew it.
Emil: Blood-thirsty devils!

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, excuse me, uh, this is Emil Ditka. We found him up on a roof with that rifle . It hadn't been fired yet.
Emil: Not yet?
Capt. Barney Miller: Were you, uh, planning on firing this Mr. Ditka ?
Emil: If the need arises and the opportunity presents itself. Que sera , sera, right ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I assume this is registered with the police department ?
Emil: Yes, its registered.
Detective: Check it out Kelly ?
Detective: Yeah, right away Captain.

Detective: Give me your phone number ?... Yeah... And the address ? Okay, we'll send somebody right over. Thank you. We got a Burglary on 17th Street. Some broad got her apartment rifled.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey. That could be another set-up. Come on Kelly.
Detective: Uh. Wh-what do mean, "Come on Kelly ?". I just got here . I'm still unpacking. I'm trying to get acclimatized, you know ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, come on, Harris and Chano had their shot, it's our turn ?
Detective: Yeah, well listen,I don't want to muscle in on another guy's collar.
Det. Phil Fish: I'll go
Detective: Yeah, yeah, sure, go . You got seniority
Capt. Barney Miller: You'd better verify that call
Detective: Yeah, yeah, good idea, Fish, why don't you verify that call ?
[turns to Wojo]
Detective: I mean, come on, will you, hey ? That's a rookie trick, muscle in on another guy's collar. Back in the old days, cops didn't do things like that.
Det. Phil Fish: Hello ? Madam ? This is Detective Fish at the Twelfth Precinct. Did you just place a call to report a burglary in your apartment ? We'll send someone right over. You did ? Thank you. We're glad to hear about that . We'll send someone right over ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate ?
Det. Phil Fish: She lost everything.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Wojo, take Kelly with you.
Detective: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm glad to go. You don't want to walk into an ambush. You got a pad ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I got a pad.
Detective: All right, let's mount up
Capt. Barney Miller: Keep your eyes open , you hear ?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, don't worry.

Detective: They say war ain't suppose to be fun. But that one's close as you can get

Detective: Holy cow... what a stink ? What you guys do, come back by way of Newark ?