Top 100 Quotes From Det. Phil Fish

Capt. Barney Miller: You all right ?
Det. Phil Fish: I'll be fine. fine Barney. It's just the smog, I swallowed a piece
Capt. Barney Miller: Nick, get some water, will you ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure, anybody see the strainer

Fish: The doctor said he was very lucky, the bullet just grazed him.
Barney: Where'd she hit him?
Fish: In the inseam.

Detective: Your a little out of shape, baby
Fish: "Baby," your Aunt Jemima. What am I ? -- a Lion Hunter ? My people are all in the restaurant business.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Fish, Fish, listen -- In the event a prisoner is being extradited from the county of one state to the county of another state and such extradition papers have been presented to the police officer in charge of the extradition. When the prisoner is delivered in the county of the second state , signed for and released by the receiving police officer, is it necessary for the extraditing police officer to file in the county of the first state, copies of the extradition paper that have been given to the police officer in the county of the second state ?
Det. Phil Fish: Good Morning

Det. Phil Fish: [complaining about no elevator in the building] I musta been a breech baby. My feet are older than I am.

Det. Phil Fish: You know Harris, I just figured out that if the stock market keeps going down and the cost of living keeps going up the pension fund can keep me going for life if I cut my style of living 40 % and if I don't live too long
Det. Ron Harris: By the time I retire, there may not be a world left to retire in
Det. Phil Fish: Well, don't count on it

Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, there are five precinct captains who got more time in on the force than I do
Det. Phil Fish: We are all going to miss you
Capt. Barney Miller: It's Cook, Leeds, Stevenson, Rourke and Burns
Det. Phil Fish: And Carmichael
Capt. Barney Miller: You know what politics and seniority means in an appointment like this.
Det. Phil Fish: I got a feeling your going to make it,
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, don't be ridiculous. Carmichael... Whose Carmichael

Inspector: What's going on out -- Hey Fish, how are you doing boy ?
Det. Phil Fish: I've got to be back at the nursing home by lunch to watch the rooms. They'll all be gathered in the cafeteria for a lecture on roughage
Inspector: So, Barney, nursing home, huh ? I thought he was starting to talk slower
Capt. Barney Miller: He's on assignment Inspector
Inspector: Oh sure, Barney. If the shoe fits, right ?

Lou: Believe me, Doris, the trouble I'm having has nothing to do with the job or radioactive waste.
Doris: It must. For a man to go from being string and virile to weak and incapable has to have something to do with that stuff.
Det. Phil Fish: Not necessarily.

Fish: [Fish is depressed over his age] When Wilson and I were chasing that kid... Do you know what it feels like to be running down 43rd Street, and your partner is cornering a guy on 52nd? Do you how I found out what happened? I asked a reporter! *Four* radio stations beat me to the scene of the crime!

Det. Phil Fish: You wouldn't believe this. According to their records, I'm deceased.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's probably incorrect.
[camera pans to Fish who has a pained expression on his face]

Det. Phil Fish: [Bringing in prisoner] Get in there and don't be a wise guy!
Harold: I'm not a wise guy, I guess I'm just scared.
Capt. Barney Miller: How'd it go?
Harold: [about hold up] It was going' good until these guys showed up.
Det. Phil Fish: Harold Sanders, Barney, he robbed a liquor store on 14th street.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, ya really shoulda been there Barn. The guy came out just as we got there and 'ol Fish just chased him down the street, jumped on him a got his face down to the sidewalk.
Harold: That guy almost broke my arm!
Det. Phil Fish: [Grinning] Yeah he was fightin' like a tiger.
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, book him.
Det. Phil Fish: No,no,no... 'I'll' do it.
Harold: That old guy really 'loves' his work don't he?
Det. Phil Fish: Old guy? Sit over here... I'll give you old guy, SIT DOWN! As long as there's punks out there like you, I'll be here in this room and at that desk! So you watch yourself!... old guy. When I'm too old to take care of a guy like you...
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Can I see you in my office?
Det. Phil Fish: [Mutters under breath then says] ... seen a million punks like that.
[Grins at Yemana]
Det. Phil Fish: ... and I'll see a million more, right?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [to Sanders] Over here.
Harold: [Disturbed by Fish's behavior] That guy's not normal.

Det. Phil Fish: I have to prove I'm alive... and that's not going to be easy.

Thomas: I almost got my neck broke, too ?
Capt. Barney Miller: How'd that happen ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wasn't me Barn, it was the priest that grabbed him and caught him till we got there.
Capt. Barney Miller: Good for him ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, the guy is 68 years old. This is his statement.
Thomas: The old ones, they really can be brutal. I mean, they got a lot of pent-up strength on account of being celibate so long.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hey Fish.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I am having trouble taking this off. Can you give me a hand ?

Det. Phil Fish: Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Huh ?
Det. Phil Fish: What about Mr. Lukeather ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Give him a receipt for his weapon and turn him loose.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, but I promised him we'd find him a place to live
Capt. Barney Miller: "We" is that the editorial we ?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, you and me. I told him, he shouldn't worry about it
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, we'll do what we can. You'd better talk to Bernice about it.

Barney: I'll go with you myself.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time.
Barney: What do you say, Fish?
Fish: I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman.
Elizabeth: Phil, that is just terrible!
Fish: Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving.

Det. Phil Fish: [Discusses watching "Soylent Green"] They showed a movie last night where they made old people into crackers and fed them to young people!
Det. Ron Harris: Hey wow, I mean it was just a movie.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, but the way they explained it, it made a lot of sense.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I mean Fish, I hope whatever you got isn't serious
Det. Phil Fish: Of course it's serious. Everything that happens to you immediately following the age of puberty is serious.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Really ?
Det. Phil Fish: You'll find out when you get there.

Det. Phil Fish: [talking about Kelly] He was probably snooping around into our personnel files and came up with something really big.
Capt. Barney Miller: Like what?
Det. Phil Fish: Like the fact that I cheated on my income tax.
Capt. Barney Miller: When was that?
Det. Phil Fish: About nine, ten years ago. I went to a police convention in San Francisco, and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There's nothing illegal about that.
Det. Phil Fish: Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.
Capt. Barney Miller: Did the I.R.S. find out about it?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, they disallowed it and they took it out the next year.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, if you're straight with the government, Kelly can't hurt you.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm not worried about Kelly, I'm worried about Bernice.

Det. Phil Fish: [after incident with Sanders] Can you believe a punk like that, what's this world coming to?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, it just keeps changing. Changing-changing.
Det. Phil Fish: So it's a good thing they some of us around to keep a balance huh?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah. You've done a very good job, you've got a lot to be proud of.
Det. Phil Fish: [hesitant] Yes, Well, I better get in there & finish processing that felon.
Capt. Barney Miller: C'mon sit down, Wojo'll take care of it.
Det. Phil Fish: Well, I've got a lot of other work...
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we can take a few minutes to talk.
Det. Phil Fish: Sure... what about?
Capt. Barney Miller: A lot. Well, about you & me... this & that. The kind of things friends who've worked together for 18 years talk about.
Det. Phil Fish: [stalling] Look, if I don't finish I'll have to work late on Monday.
Capt. Barney Miller: [concerned] There is no work on Monday!
Det. Phil Fish: Look, If I don't fini...
Capt. Barney Miller: There is no more work! You are retiring today!
Det. Phil Fish: Oh no. No,no,no... you got it all wrong Barney, I'm not retiring so fast.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish , I know it's painful and it's even unfair... but you've got to face the reality, that IS the reality and you gotta face it or you'll wind up like that 'twinkie' in the cage out there. Fish, you've earned the right to do something else, to do what you want to do, what you'd enjoy doing.
Det. Phil Fish: [ignoring] .Anyway, I walked here from Brooklyn. I had a lot of time to think things over. You know, the trouble this city is in and you know how hard it is to get good men Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller: [quietly] The rules say you have to retire at 63.
Det. Phil Fish: Rules are made by men and rules can be changed by men! I know the Commissioner, I've known him for 20 years and I'm going to have a talk with him... I'll talk to him and everything's gonna be alright.
Capt. Barney Miller: [with desperation in voice] This is not the last day of your life Fish.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm a man with a record Barney, you think they're going to force ME out? NOT ME! A man with my experiences? My accommodations? NOT ME!
[sad,voice breaks]
Det. Phil Fish: ... Not me .

Detective: Hey Fish, does it hurt when those stones come out?
Fish: It can't be too bad. The doctor says it's like giving birth.

Det. Phil Fish: Mr Fuzzo, how much can a man make driving people around the park?
Fuzzo: You mean reported income?
Det. Phil Fish: That much, huh?
Fuzzo: Oh you'd like it. I know a lot of guys drive cabs when they get old enough to retire.
Det. Phil Fish: How do you know how old I am?
Fuzzo: Well, you take a guy's height and then you multiply it by the number of times he goes to the bathroom every day.
[Fish thinks about this, and then walks to the men's room]

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I'm telling you, I just can't believe that an old lady could inflict that kind of punishment on a man
Det. Phil Fish: You've learned nothing from knowing me

Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Two armed men, one with a shotgun, one with a handgun, shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if someone didn't get inside.
Capt. Barney Miller: Apparently, someone did?
Det. Phil Fish: Chano, killed both of them.

Paula: It's really been wonderful being with you. You're terrific.
Det. Phil Fish: That's pure speculation.

Det. Phil Fish: I'm not going to take you anywhere on Saturday. I'm going to stay home and watch the ball game. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday
Det. Ron Harris: Twelfth precinct, Harris... Uh, sure, yes, h--hang on a minute... Fish... line 2, it's Bernice
Det. Phil Fish: Hang on, Jilly. Hello, Bernice. Yeah? No, I don't want to go. I'm going to stay in in bed. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday

Captain: [while getting ready for a stakeout] Fish, we're going to have to draw special weapons.
Wojo: [Extremely excited about being allowed to go on his first stakeout] Hey, let me do it! I'll go down to the armory. Let's see, what do we need? Shotguns! Tear gas! Gas masks!
[He leaves the squadroom to go draw the weapons]
Fish: [Observing Wojo's enthusiam about the weapons] Nice boy.
Captain: It takes so little to make him happy.

Hurley: I just don't feel comfortable in clothes.
Det. Phil Fish: Neither do I, but I wear them anyway
Hurley: You know something, you have never known real freedom
Det. Phil Fish: Out of the mouths of babes

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, the President's in the middle of his speech.
Capt. Barney Miller: Did he say anything about us yet?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He didn't mention my name.
Gerald: [radio voiceover] ... that I am prepared to veto any bill, that has as its purpose, a federal bailout of New York City to prevent a default.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm glad I didn't vote for him.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Man!
Det. Ron Harris: [answers the desk phone] The former 12th precinct, Harris. Uh-huh, yeah yeah, but the burglar isn't still there. Okay, yeah, we'll send somebody over. Right.
Det. Ron Harris: [hangs up the phone] Anybody want to check out a burglary?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What are we gonna do if we catch him, rent him a room?
Gerald: [radio voiceover] In the event of default, the federal government will work with the court to assure that police and fire and other essential services for the protection of life and property in New York are maintained.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey hey! How about that, huh? Ha-ha!
Anthony: Eh, eh, what's the matter? You find Jimmy Hoffa?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Now that's what I call a president!
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, it's a clean-cut dude, baby! I mean, nobody tells him what to do! He knows what he's doing every minute!

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where the hell were you ? We called every hospital in the city
Det. Phil Fish: I didn't go to the hospital. I had a little oxygen in the ambulance and felt okay So, I asked them to let me out.
Capt. Barney Miller: What are you talking about ? No ambulance would let you out on the street
Det. Phil Fish: The gun helped. Then I took the subway

Capt. Barney Miller: How old was your daughter when she first left home?
Det. Phil Fish: She was almost thirty.
Capt. Barney Miller: How old was she when she got married?
Det. Phil Fish: Twenty-seven.

Det. Phil Fish: Hey, Barney this is marvelous. Deputy Inspector
Capt. Barney Miller: There is a slim chance of anything like that happening. But, it is a kind of a kick to see in a official publication
Det. Phil Fish: Deputy Inspector. I know guys who have been on the force 30 or 40 years and never even been considered for a job like this. Take me for instance. I'm proud. I am going to put it on the bulletin board.
Capt. Barney Miller: No. No. Don't say anything. Don't tell anyone. It would be causing a lot of excitement over nothing. I haven't even told Liz.

Capt. Barney Miller: The Commission has expressed its gratitude to the Police Commissioner for his co-operation and their satisfaction with the outcome of the hearing
Det. Phil Fish: They got them all pretty good
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What did Schuster get ?
Capt. Barney Miller: It doesn't say, but a cooperative witness, probably 1-10
Det. Ron Harris: With good behavior, he'll probably be out by the end of the fiscal year.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I fine, I fine, my stomach is good... I'm not sure about my wallet
Capt. Barney Miller: Your a lucky man
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah,Yeah, I guess so. The Doctor said I have a tolerance for Arsenic.
Det. Phil Fish: From what?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Fruits and Vegetables? Said there was enough Arsenic in there to kill a horse, but not a human being.

Barney: Hey Fish...
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
Barney: You didn't qualify.
Det. Phil Fish: It was cold, I wore gloves
Barney: Now, you are going to have to go back next week. This time practice, huh ?
Det. Phil Fish: Practice. That means I have to buy my own bullets. You know how much bullets are today?
Barney: There's big demand between between the Middle East and Television
Det. Phil Fish: Used to buy a beautiful bullet for 6 or 7 cents. Today, 13 cents, and lousy quality, in cheap boxes.

Det. Phil Fish: Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

Det. Ron Harris: What's that?
Det. Phil Fish: My insurance company. They're raising the premium on my life insurance policy. $50 a month.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, that's not fair, man. You ought to pay less as you get closer.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's gonna happen to this city if the police go out of business?
Det. Phil Fish: Crime will run rampant, there'll be chaos in the streets, people will live in fear behind locked doors and it'll be every man for himself.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's the way it is now.
Capt. Barney Miller: It can't get any worse, let's try and make it a little better while we still have the time.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's what they said to the maids on the Titanic.

George: You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
Det. Phil Fish: That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
Det. Phil Fish: It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold, people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No kidding!
Det. Phil Fish: Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Capt. Barney Miller: Any luck ?
Fletcher: These pictures... some of them are awfully old. I mean, they're yellow and curling up at the edges
Det. Phil Fish: It will happen to you to, Mr. Fletcher
Capt. Barney Miller: Chano, maybe you better bring those ladies in just in case Mr Fletcher can make a positive ID
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: All right

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Look at this exacta at Aqueduct: 800 bucks.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why do they make everything so damn difficult?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Number 3 and Number 4, and I always bet my age.
Det. Phil Fish: You're not 34!
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I was when I won my last exacta.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yemana, why don't you put that damn thing away?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What did I do?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All you ever do is bet on the horses... or a football game, or a basketball game, or some crap game.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You left out jai alai.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Very funny. If you tried busting bookies, instead of calling them on the telephone all the time, maybe we wouldn't have a yardbird like Kelly sneaking up our keisters all the time.

Capt. Barney Miller: So, how's Bernice?
Det. Phil Fish: Who?

Capt. Barney Miller: What's the matter ?
Det. Phil Fish: They're crazy !
Capt. Barney Miller: Police Pension Fund Financial Report, not good ?
Det. Phil Fish: Barney, look at the junk they're investing in: 1,232 shares of The First Woman's Bank and Trust Company .
Capt. Barney Miller: I've heard of it.
Det. Phil Fish: Well, what kind of ridiculous institution is that ?
Det. Ron Harris: They cater to single woman who are financially independent. Come to think of it, so do I?
Det. Phil Fish: I'm gonna call the administrator of the pension fund ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
Det. Phil Fish: He's using my money, he can use my advice too.

Det. Phil Fish: Are you going to do that all day ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You take care of your body , it will take care of you
Det. Phil Fish: The way I figure at this point, we don't owe each other anything

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, we ain't got any hot water again
Det. Phil Fish: We ain't got any hot water again, yet
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We ain't never got any hot water, ever, neither
Det. Phil Fish: Sometimes you make a great deal of sense

Beckman: Okay boys, girls... whatever. I don't want to hear no more complaints. Right away you got luxury accommodations, enjoy.
Det. Ron Harris: Hey it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything
Det. Phil Fish: My very words to Bernice

Det. Phil Fish: What did he do?
Victor: Nuthin', nuthin'. I didn't do nuthin'. I just came in here with her. Ask the colored guy.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I wasn't paying attention.
Victor: Not you. Him.
[Points at Harris]
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He's black. I'm colored. Everybody else is blank.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, let's make the best of a bad situation. Get the dispatcher to call Harris in the car. Have them check Wojo into the hospital under the name Alan Shuster
Det. Phil Fish: Right
Capt. Barney Miller: And put him on the critical list and let our friends think they got away with something. And call downstairs, tell them nobody comes up here that doesn't belong here
Det. Phil Fish: Right

Det. Phil Fish: Maybe I am losing my memory.
Detective: You are getting older, Fish. The memory's the first to go.
Det. Phil Fish: Not according to Bernice.

Leonard K. Hauser: Hey Captain, we got him. The old nut was running around with a gun threatening people. But the old cop talked him out
Capt. Barney Miller: See that Mr. Hauser ? I tell you, I'll take talking to tear gas any day.
Phillip: Listen Sergeant, believe me, it isn't the end of you life.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, yeah
Phillip: Retirement, isn't so bad. Once you get use to it, you'll find a way to be useful. Believe me.
Det. Phil Fish: I hope your right
Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Lukeather, Captain Miller
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Lukeather, your very lucky that it was Sergeant Fish who came to get you and not a Special Weapons Team
Leonard K. Hauser: I want this man charged with obstruction, assault and anything else you got on the books that I can use
Det. Phil Fish: Shut up ! Sit over there ! I'll fill out the complaint form.
Frank: Don't talk to a witness like that. A good defense attorney would have a field day with that sort of thing
Det. Phil Fish: They got to live, too

Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Hold it. Mr. Lukeather, I wonder if you could do me a favor. Would it be possible to... uh... to help Mr. Roth here downstairs?
Phillip: Sure
Capt. Barney Miller: This is Mr. Lukeather. He just lost his home.
Leon: The guy with the gun. I heard
Phillip: I wouldn't shoot nobody.
Leon: It's okay with me
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Roth lives alone
Leon: Yeah ?
Capt. Barney Miller: He's been robbed many times. You can understand it ?
Leon: Sure.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, listen, you can take him downstairs then, right ?
Phillip: Yeah
Leon: I'm usually very independent, but... this building scares me
Phillip: Everybody needs help sometimes
Det. Phil Fish: Mr Lukeather, here's the receipt for the -- your gun
Leon: Mr. Lukeather, which, uh... way do you go ?
Phillip: Don't make no difference, I got no place
Leon: Listen... uh... you're not one of those people who likes to rearrange the furniture, all the time, are you ?
Phillip: Who me ? No. I got a great respect for tradition
Leon: Good. That's good. Can you cook ?
Phillip: Yeah. You like chili ?
Leon: Chili. Yes, sir
Phillip: With red beans
Leon: I can't tell a red bean from a white bean. I'm blind.
Phillip: Don't worry, I'll handle it.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Nice couple
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah. You got a real knack Barney
Capt. Barney Miller: Well. It was logical. What's more, I bet they make it
Det. Ron Harris: Ah... I bet they won't
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Your on
Det. Ron Harris: You lose

Emil: When do I get my piece back ?
Capt. Barney Miller: As soon as it's checked out
Emil: When do I talk to my lawyer ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's no need to call a lawyer, Mr. Ditka. Your not being charged with a crime.
Emil: Oh, don't give me that. Members of my group have been hassled before.
Capt. Barney Miller: What group would that be ?
Emil: The Staten Island Shoot Club and Personal Armament League
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm not, uh, familiar with that group?
Emil: Well, you will be and when you need us, we'll be there.
Capt. Barney Miller: It's good to know we have support in some quarters
Det. Phil Fish: Wonderful
Emil: Of course, you got support. You think, the league don't know what you guys are going through? You got friends out there. See, we keep a low profile for security reasons.
Capt. Barney Miller: How many, uh , members are there in your league ?
Emil: So far ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Round figures ?
Emil: Let's see, uh... there's me and Charlie and Larry and a new guy Sid something

Det. Phil Fish: First time in 20 years I felt *really* good and it has to be illegal!

Det. Phil Fish: Well, I decided at a time like this, I should to be among friend... old friends.

Barney: [sees Fish limping] What's the matter with your foot?
Fish: Gout.
Barney: Rich cooking, huh?
Fish: No. *Poor* cooking, but rich food.

Pete: You know, that's a very old model
Det. Phil Fish: Your not kidding,They don't make it like they used to

Leonard K. Hauser: Do you have any idea how much money, you have cost me already: 25... 2600 dollars ?
Phillip: Good.
Leonard K. Hauser: Listen, I ought to take you to Civil Court and sue you for everything you got !
Phillip: Help yourself . That's everything I got -- two changes of clothes, my bird books ,and a hot pad
Leonard K. Hauser: If you flushed that nut out when I asked you to, I wouldn't have had to pay the demo crew seven hours overtime !
Det. Phil Fish: Was that middle initial "K" ?
Leonard K. Hauser: I may take the city to court !
Frank: I beg your pardon ?
Leonard K. Hauser: I said I may sue the city !
Frank: You ? I'd love to get you up on the stand baby ! A slumlord !
Leonard K. Hauser: Hey ! no names. I could you sue you, too.
Phillip: The city ought to sue him. Threatening people for rents, no decent plumbing, dangerous stairs
Frank: Immorality ! Human Degradation ! Good. Very Good
Leonard K. Hauser: He doesn't know what he is talking about.
Leonard K. Hauser: Ask him about the rats ?
Frank: The rats ! Beautiful !
Leonard K. Hauser: No rats in my building
Phillip: I've had three running around my apartment so long, I've even given them names
Leonard K. Hauser: I told you -- no pets
Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Hauser, here -- sign
Leonard K. Hauser: Take it easy . Don't rush me. I don't sign anything without reading it first.
Capt. Barney Miller: Is there something wrong, Mr. Hauser ?
Leonard K. Hauser: No, no there is nothing wrong here. I just, uh... want to take it home and read it over with my attorney and if it's all right, I'll sign it. I'll mail it in
Frank: See you in court Mr. Hauser
Leonard K. Hauser: Not necessarily
Frank: What's the matter ? You chicken ?
Leonard K. Hauser: No. No. I just happen to be a compassionate man. I know how to forgive and forget. Right Captain ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Right, Mr. Hauser.
Leonard K. Hauser: Learn how to be a human being, for God sakes

Det. Ron Harris: I'm glad your going Fish. It will be refreshing to talk to someone who has a sense of humor and enjoys a little sophisticated and pungent conversation.
Det. Phil Fish: Sure

Det. Phil Fish: Nobody downstairs paid any attention to him, a guy dressed in a cop's uniform in the middle of a change of shift

Det. Phil Fish: [Fish had to walk up the stairs to the precinct] Ten years ago, I said, "Put an elevator in this building." Five years ago, I said it again. Last year, I even offered to pay for it.

Capt. Barney Miller: [to Fish] What about the night shift? Are they going to make it?
Det. Phil Fish: I don't think so. The guys who live on Long Island can't get to Manhattan.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: Right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: [shakes his head] They tried it once and they didn't like it. It made too much sense.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Go fry a noodle.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's beneath you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's always me that's doing something wrong: "What'd you say this for, Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."
Det. Phil Fish: Nobody says that about you, Wojo.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?
Det. Phil Fish: That was out of line.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: See? It's always somebody beefing about something I done! I wish I was back out on the streets in uniform again.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: If you're worried about dirty marks on your laundry, maybe Kelly can accommodate you.

Lyle W. Farber: I apologize.
Det. Phil Fish: That's okay.
Lyle W. Farber: I apologize to the entire world.
Det. Phil Fish: On behalf of the entire world, I accept your apology.

Det. Ron Harris: Ah... Bernice, wants you to call her
Det. Phil Fish: I'll consider it.

Detective: Give me your phone number ?... Yeah... And the address ? Okay, we'll send somebody right over. Thank you. We got a Burglary on 17th Street. Some broad got her apartment rifled.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey. That could be another set-up. Come on Kelly.
Detective: Uh. Wh-what do mean, "Come on Kelly ?". I just got here . I'm still unpacking. I'm trying to get acclimatized, you know ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, come on, Harris and Chano had their shot, it's our turn ?
Detective: Yeah, well listen,I don't want to muscle in on another guy's collar.
Det. Phil Fish: I'll go
Detective: Yeah, yeah, sure, go . You got seniority
Capt. Barney Miller: You'd better verify that call
Detective: Yeah, yeah, good idea, Fish, why don't you verify that call ?
[turns to Wojo]
Detective: I mean, come on, will you, hey ? That's a rookie trick, muscle in on another guy's collar. Back in the old days, cops didn't do things like that.
Det. Phil Fish: Hello ? Madam ? This is Detective Fish at the Twelfth Precinct. Did you just place a call to report a burglary in your apartment ? We'll send someone right over. You did ? Thank you. We're glad to hear about that . We'll send someone right over ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate ?
Det. Phil Fish: She lost everything.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Wojo, take Kelly with you.
Detective: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm glad to go. You don't want to walk into an ambush. You got a pad ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I got a pad.
Detective: All right, let's mount up
Capt. Barney Miller: Keep your eyes open , you hear ?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, don't worry.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Flasher committed suicide, but very badly.

Det. Phil Fish: [opens his present] What is it?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's a New York City municipal bond.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Oh my God.
Det. Phil Fish: A New York City municipal bond?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah. Hey, it's worth a thousand dollars when it matures.
Det. Phil Fish: If it matures... in 1997... I would have been 83.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Listen, I heard about the operation you're going for. There's nothing to worry about. It's a serious procedure, but it's something that's performed successfully every day. The biggest problem is people letting their fear and imagination get out of hand.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm not worried. I got fine doctor and it's a very good hospital
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Of course, there's no guarantees

Wojo: Hey, Fish. Who's Esther Williams?
Fish: She covered herself with grease and swam the English Channel.
[to himself]
Fish: It's a shame Bernice can't swim she'd be all set.

Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barney, I checked with the children's center. She does have priors
Capt. Barney Miller: On probation, huh ?
Det. Ron Harris: She's a ward of the court. She lives in what they call a group home
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Her parents dead ?
Det. Phil Fish: Her father is in Elmira
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, five to life. The last time her mother was heard from, she was living in San Diego going steady with an aircraft carrier
Capt. Barney Miller: Who runs the home ?
Det. Ron Harris: House Parents. You know, the city pays adults to live in with the kids
Det. Phil Fish: Some people will do anything for money
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, see if you can get anybody on the phone
Det. Ron Harris: I tried Barney, there's no answer
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, keep trying. Fish, you take the kid and check the place out
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah. Okay, kid we're gonna take a ride
Jilly: Where are we going ?
Det. Phil Fish: Your house
Jilly: What for ? Your not going to like it.
Det. Phil Fish: Don't worry about it. I don't like much anyway

Darryl: You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.
Det. Phil Fish: That's because we're both dead.

David: You look a little old to be a cop .
Det. Phil Fish: It's the light in here.

Officer: Morning mail
Det. Phil Fish: Almost 5 pm
Officer: It came early today
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Great, eight hours later, it will be morning mail again

Barney: [after Chano and Fish return from a bank robbery and Chano is acting very strangely] What happened?
Fish: Two armed men. One with a shotgun. One with a handgun. Shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if *someone* didn't get inside.
Barney: Apparently someone did.
Fish: Chano... killed both of them.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [noticing his sandwich] Look what I found. There's a dead fly in my sandwich. Right in the middle of my egg salad.
Capt. Barney Miller: You sure it's a fly?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It's a little piece of olive.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Since when do olives have wings?
Det. Phil Fish: When they die and go to heaven.

Detective: Hey, Fish, what happened to Yemana ? Was he cleaning his gun or something ?
Det. Phil Fish: He was ambushed ?
Detective: Ambushed ? Just because he's a Japanese ? Boy, some guys always are trying to get even.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just some guy who don't like cops.
Detective: You know, there's more and more of that. You know, people use to like cops. Back in the old days, we use to be George Murphy, Phil Regan, Pat O'Brien. Nowadays, we're Al Pacino, Richard Roundtree. No wonder, we're getting ambushed

[Wojo is putting the store payroll in the safe]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [looking at safe] What's the combination on this thing? I forgot it again.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: One to the left, two to the right, three to the left, four to the right.
Det. Phil Fish: That's the way to do the Varsity Drag.

[Wojo is trying to open a window that won't budge]
Det. Phil Fish: You'll never open that window. They nailed it down in 1932, on the day this building was condemned.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I can't breathe in here, Fish. Room's like a oven.

Det. Phil Fish: Hello, is this the Police Pension Fund, I would like to speak to the Director please. It's about my future
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Tell him it's urgent

Det. Phil Fish: Fine woman. You know, I get a kick seeing her doing little things like that for you all time. I'll send Bernice over to watch how she does that, if you don't mind ?

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Weiskoff, I understand you don't need a lawyer ?
Lawrence: Why ? I'm as guilty as if I killed her myself
Capt. Barney Miller: What do you mean "as if" ? I thought you did.
Lawrence: Maybe I should explain this
Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you should
Lawrence: You see, Gwen and I had made a suicide pact between the two of us. We just decided that our lives had become empty and meaningless so why keep going ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Keep going... for my benefit.
Lawrence: Well, we couldn't bring ourselves to do it together. So we decided that she would be at her apartment and I would be at mine and then at exactly high noon, she would jump out of her window. And I... I would take a revolver and put a bullet in my head
Capt. Barney Miller: Very poetic.
Lawrence: Thank you
Capt. Barney Miller: And also very stupid
Lawrence: Anyway... anyway at the last minute, I... I lost my nerve, I chickened out, I couldn't do it. I tried to call her and stop her, but..uh... but It was too late. Oh God, when I think what I've done, I could kill myself. Almost !
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, might as well take hs statement
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah

Capt. Barney Miller: Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! What killed Fred ?
Det. Phil Fish: Coroner said natural causes, you know, aggravation. Sit down !
Jilly: I'm not going back to Children's Center !
Det. Phil Fish: Take it easy.
Jilly: I hate it ! I don't want to live where you get pushed around and the food stinks !
Det. Phil Fish: If I can take it, you can take it !

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, fill out a report
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, after I'm through, I'm going to go back later and have a talk... with some of them
Capt. Barney Miller: Good, I'm sure they'll be glad to know that someone is taking an interest in them
Det. Phil Fish: They got my wallet

Det. Phil Fish: House Parents #1 and #2 are out of town. I called Juvenile and sent the other kids back to the Children's Center

Det. Phil Fish: Bernice, love and vacations have nothing to do with each other. One is designed for rest, the other is not. Bernice, people who hate each other go on separate vacations. People who love each other should at least be entitled to the same privilege.

Det. Phil Fish: Get it yourself, what am I ? your maid ?

Fish: Wilson, the bomb is in the briefcase.
Detective: Holy mama!
Marty: Oh God. Is it a big bomb?
Detective: How the Hell do I know?

Det. Phil Fish: Okay, Barney.Hey Fish, we got to get rolling man. We got to see a lady about a burglary on the Upper East Side and also somebody is ripping off drugs at Gramercy Park Hospital, which do you want to check out first?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Try the hospital, at least the conversation is more stimulating

Capt. Barney Miller: [about the flasher] He tried to electrocute himself, he stuck one finger in an outlet and one foot in the toilet bowl.
Det. Phil Fish: No kidding... I didn't know he was that tall.

Captain: [a bomb has blown up in the squad room] It was in the safe?
Fish: Yeah, I put it there.
Captain: You know there was petty cash in there? Forty bucks.
Fish: Take it out of my check.

Det. Ron Harris: Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yo
Capt. Barney Miller: We got a jumper
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, wonderful, where ?
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, The Brooklyn Bridge. She's threatening to jump if anybody comes near her
Capt. Barney Miller: The Brooklyn Bridge ? Why didn't they call Brooklyn ?
Det. Ron Harris: She's right in the middle of the bridge.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why did dispatch call us ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, they said the wind is blowing this way.
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, go ahead, take it. Take...
Det. Ron Harris: I'm on with Harris
Capt. Barney Miller: Whoa, whoa, Nick can take it
Det. Phil Fish: No, I can do my own job. Besides, you got to know how to talk to jumpers.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I tell a pretty good joke
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish... Fish, it's a little rotten out there today, so take it easy.
Det. Phil Fish: What is it? A little talk, a little listening. They trust me. I find them a reason for living
Capt. Barney Miller: It's you I'm concerned about ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry, I'll find a reason someday

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: A big war, a nuclear war, and we had to evacuate the whole city
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, come on, Wojo, there's not going to be anyway, man. I mean, it just doesn't make any sense economically, psychologically, or geographically
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, it doesn't have to be a war, it could be an earthquake
Det. Ron Harris: It's a pretty slim chance, man
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: But it's a chance, you know Harris, things have a way of happening, just all of a sudden, when... when you least expect it when you least expect it. Right, Fish ?
Det. Phil Fish: Right !

Det. Phil Fish: Tell me the truth - all kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?
Morton: Absolutely.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm just curious... What's it like?
Morton: It's heaven.
Det. Phil Fish: So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is, uh...?
Morton: Philadelphia.

Det. Phil Fish: My Doctor said I'm obese
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you fat ?
Det. Phil Fish: He's entitled to his opinion. I have to lose 15 pounds.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why don't you get yourself a bicycle, that will take it off
Det. Phil Fish: Bicycles aren't good for you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What are you talking about ? They are the perfect exercise.
Det. Phil Fish: The seats will ruin you for life. I had a paper route when I was nine.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right Gentleman, we have all purged our souls, life goes on : Yemana - that's a police phone not a racing wire, and Chano - see if you can convince your brother-in-law that there is still some hope for us, ah, Wojo - when you take that Sergeants exam, wear a clean shirt, Fish -...
Det. Phil Fish: Don't waste a warning on me

Det. Phil Fish: Good morning
Capt. Barney Miller: God, it looks like you have been up all night
Det. Phil Fish: I was. I skipped the warm milk, so I can stay awake
Capt. Barney Miller: Anything ?
Det. Phil Fish: Case closed
Capt. Barney Miller: You caught somebody.
Det. Phil Fish: I caught everybody, they we're all doing it. Stealing from each other, for a little excitement
Capt. Barney Miller: That's depressing
Det. Phil Fish: When I accused them. They also, they were giggling at me. Sent chills up my spine
Capt. Barney Miller: Says a lot about our culture

Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Their interested. I told them I'd think about it.
Capt. Barney Miller: Good .
Det. Phil Fish: Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police ?
Capt. Barney Miller: The old chief passed away.
Det. Phil Fish: He died of boredom... . He was sitting behind a desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him
Det. Phil Fish: Life is a gamble at best wherever you are
Det. Phil Fish: I don't know Barney, I think I'd miss all this: the excitement, the challenge. A man has to have something to keep him out of the house

Barney: Hey, hot of the press, tour sheets. And a communique from headquarter. Gardeno goes back to narcotics as soon as he gets out of the hospital
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, he's going to be glad to hear that because he has a four-day growth of beard and he's polished his earring
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I still don't understand why the guy needs gimmicks to do his job ? He's good enough without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What's that around your neck ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: My Marine dog-tags, but I don't need them. I just wear them for... luck
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, he wouldn't be caught dead without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right
Barney: What about the slave bracelet ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, that's a genuine antique. That belonged to my great-grandfather
Barney: Everybody needs something
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, listen, I got a good luck tattoo but you can't see it because it's under my cast
[lips "pretty stuff?"]
Det. Phil Fish: I got lucky teeth
Yemana: How come there lucky ?
Det. Phil Fish: My dentist died before they were half-paid for .

Capt. Barney Miller: I'd be bored without the challenges. Without the pressures. Without the problems Ah, not for me. Maybe when I retire. So they asked me to recommend someone else .
Det. Phil Fish: Is it someone in this room ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were the most experienced officer I knew .
Det. Phil Fish: Did you told them how old I was ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were extremely mature
Det. Phil Fish: So you lied.
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were facing enforced retirement and it would be shameful waste of a valuable piece of manpower
Det. Phil Fish: Florida, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, think about it. It'd be the perfect job for you
Det. Phil Fish: Don't you think I would be bored ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Boredom is a state of mind.
Det. Phil Fish: Well... it's better than doing nothing at all. May not be such a bad idea.

Det. Phil Fish: What do you mean you don't issue new policies to persons my age?... Oh, really?... Would you care for a suggestion of what to do with that rock of yours?... Hello?
Capt. Barney Miller: No luck, huh?
Det. Phil Fish: Nobody'll cover me. Oh, if Bernice finds out I don't have any insurance, it would kill her. And she's not covered either.