Top 30 Quotes From The Jerk

[first lines]
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...

Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Navin R. Johnson: [about Patty's trailer] What a great place!
Patty: [belches]

Patty: [provocatively] You know what I wanna do?
Navin R. Johnson: What's that?
Patty: Guess *your* weight.
[starts squeezing on him everywhere]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!

[last lines]
Navin R. Johnson: [voiceover] I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.

[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]
Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Navin R. Johnson: [upset about the escargot entre] First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the food, two boobs!

Navin R. Johnson: [On a beach at night. Marvin is playing the ukulele, him and Marie are singing] I know, I know, You belong to someone new, But tonight, you belong to me. Although, although, We're apart, you're part of my heart, And tonight, you belong to me. Way down by the stream, How sweet it would seem, Once more just to breathe in the moonlight my honey... I know, I know, With the dawn, that you will be gone, But tonight, you belong to me. Just little ol' me.
[Marie brings out a coroner, she plays a solo, then the song ends]
Navin R. Johnson: You know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube,and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie: Why didn't you?
Navin R. Johnson: I didn't want to get spit on me.

Navin R. Johnson: [narrating his own letter home] P.S. is grandma still farting?

Navin R. Johnson: The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.

[Stan Fox's eyeglasses keep slipping off]
Stan: Damn these glasses son.
Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir.
[to the glasses]
Navin R. Johnson: I damn thee.

Stan: You know, I make a pretty good living selling sh** like this!

Navin R. Johnson: [Navin's first hitchhike from home]
Navin R. Johnson: I'm hitchhiking.
Farm: How far you goin'?
Navin R. Johnson: St. Louis. How far you going?
Farm: To the end of this fence.
Navin R. Johnson: ...OK!
[Navin enthusiastically jumps in and introduces himself]
Navin R. Johnson: I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Farm: Here we are!
Navin R. Johnson: OK!
[Navin jumps out]
Navin R. Johnson: ... Thanks for the company!
[Navin's family hears him say]
Navin R. Johnson: I hope I can repay you someday!

Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

[Navin at Patty's trailer...]
Patty: You know what I'd like to do?
Navin R. Johnson: What?
Patty: Guess your weight.
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess MY weight. You see, I guess their weight, so it would be sort of a...
Patty: Put your arms up.
Navin R. Johnson: This will give me a whole other perspective on this...
[Patty begins squeezing his backside]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate... Is it getting hot in here?... Wait a minute! What's happening to my special purpose?
Patty: What's your special purpose?
Navin R. Johnson: Well, when I was a kid my mom told me THAT was my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!
Patty: Today's the day!
[Whole trailer shaking as Patty "deflowers" Navin]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, this is like a ride!

Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.

Grandma: [reading a letter from Navin] My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty has promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin.

Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."

Patty: Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin R. Johnson: What about germs?
Patty: Put a rubber on it.

Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.

Navin R. Johnson: These hoodlums are dangerous. I think we oughta get out of here before she sees us.
Marie: She?
Navin R. Johnson: What?
Marie: You said she.
Navin R. Johnson: No! No! I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she", or a hurricane "she".
Marie: Or a girl?
Navin R. Johnson: A girl, you can call a girl she, that's just one of the many things you can call she.

Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Truck: St. Louis?
Navin R. Johnson: No, Navin Johnson.

Taj: Hey! Any of you bums heard of Navin R. Johnson?
Navin R. Johnson: I've heard of him.
Taj: Born in Mississippi? Inventor of the Opti-grab?
Navin R. Johnson: I was just telling these guys!
Mother: Navin!
Navin R. Johnson: Mommy, Daddy! How did you find me?
Father: We don't know. This is the first place we looked.

[Navin, struggling as a weight guesser at SJM Fiesta Shows]
Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex! The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what'I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here... Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses... Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles... Anything in this three inches... Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
Carnival: No sir! C'mon honey; he thought he had himself a rube.
[Navin dejectedly confides to his boss, Frosty]
Navin R. Johnson: Boss, I'm just no good at this.
Frosty: Ah, c'mon Navin, you're doing fine.
Navin R. Johnson: I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap! Which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!

[Marie, back at Navin's trailer...]
Navin R. Johnson: Can I ask you a personal question?
Marie: What is it?
Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest: you do have a boyfriend, don't you?
Marie: Kind of...
Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but... do you think, the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie: Well, I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That's too bad... Do you think it's possible that someday, you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie: Who knows, maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson: I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.

Sniper: HEY! HE'S NOT CARNIVAL PERSONNEL!

Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch.
[shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans!

New: I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.

[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.