1000 Best Barney Miller Quotes

Detective: I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave.
Barney: What's the matter, you got a skin condition?
Detective: If necessary.
Barney: And the earring?
Detective: I'm engaged.
Barney: You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me.
Detective: What about my transfer?
Barney: What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.

Capt. Barney Miller: Fixed yourself up with a place to sleep?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah - but I ain't gonna make it tonight, Barney.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Maybe, but if you can't, Hypnosis can be used very effectively, taps the subconscious, helps to locate facts or images that seem to have been lost or forgotten.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, or make you act like a chicken.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [chuckles] Yeah, I love that stuff.

Det. Ron Harris: Okay, come on , come on, come on.
Mayflower: Say man !, since when is it a crime to come to the defense of a lady and try to protect her honor ? Since when ?
Det. Ron Harris: When you push her trick out of a second-story window.
Mayflower: Man, Don't tell me chivalry ain't dead ?
Det. Ron Harris: Look, baby, you can call it whatever you want to, but up here its called felonious assault .
Det. Ron Harris: Don't give me details, man. I'm talking about principle
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sit down before you fall off your shoes.
Mayflower: Chuck me that phone, I'm about to call my main man.

Capt. Barney Miller: Have you been solicited in your recent travels ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Not yet ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey man -- me neither, and I was giving it my best shot... charm, intelligence, humor
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I think the girl knew I was a cop. She never got below my shoulders.
Det. Ron Harris: You know, I think what my problem was, no one could believe I could go to a place like that... No I mean really man,I don't look desperate enough
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh man, get off it

Raymond: I will however have no choice but to mention the Sergeant's little tantrum as an addendum to my official report.

Det. Phil Fish: I don't want a dog Bernice, we just got the couch covered... What do you need company for, you're not a young woman anymore.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Got it -- A private psychiatric hospital on eight. Three patients escaped
Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful -- All right, Wojo , you and uh...
Det. Ron Harris: I'll go with him Barney. I'm bored
Capt. Barney Miller: I hope this proves entertaining enough for you
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Let's go Harris.
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, right. You know, as a matter of fact, I feel restricted by this whole continent. I think, what I got to do -- I got... I got to go abroad
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You got to get one.
Det. Ron Harris: How provincial !

Fish: Wilson, the bomb is in the briefcase.
Detective: Holy mama!
Marty: Oh God. Is it a big bomb?
Detective: How the Hell do I know?

Ray: You guys are the best !
Marty: Amen
Bruno: Hey, Butch up !

Paula: How long you been a cop?
Det. Phil Fish: I was the first.

Bill: Sergeant,what you do in private is none of my business, but when your smoke invades my breathing space then I have to ask you to stop.
Det. Ron Harris: When did you have time for EST? Do you still read?

Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, apparently, Mr Lynch here was out for an early evening stroll when he was accosted by little Mr Pedrosa here.

Det. Ron Harris: It's, uh, required reading. I'm taking a crash course in degeneracy.

Officer: Well, here's your APBs, Interdepartmental communiques, your directives, your our assorted official garbage. Oh, yeah !

Det. Ron Harris: Nearest relative ?
Renee: I guess, that would be my husband ?
Det. Ron Harris: Your married, Miss. Pettit ?
Renee: It was sort of a handshake.
Det. Ron Harris: And his name?
Renee: Frankie, something.
Det. Ron Harris: We'll come back to that one ?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Humor. It's as vital to a cop as his gun.
Capt. Barney Miller: Depends on the caliber.

Det. Phil Fish: I don't care what the results of my exam were. X-rays can be, uh, misleading.

Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe it's... Maybe it's just that you can see worthwhile qualities, a vulnerability, even spirituality, that other people miss.

Capt. Barney Miller: Stay home until you feel better.
Det. Ron Harris: Okay Barn, I'll stay, but I ain't never gonna feel no better.

Det. Ron Harris: Barney, there was another hold-up over on Lexington "Avenue" yesterday... Fifteenth one In two weeks. It's the same ten block area, same M.O. "Method of Operations" , all take place on Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday between 2:15 pm and 3:30 pm.

George: You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
Det. Phil Fish: That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.

Inspector: This is Inspector Luger, NYPD, Want you to know we're working on your problem. In the meantime, why don't you all go home and take a shave.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Nick is the coffee ready yet. not yet how come
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Not yet.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How come ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Because I had to get the children off to school

Officer: Alright, Mr. Spangler you're being released on bail. Failure to appear in court on the date specified will result in forfeiture of bail and a felony warrant for your arrest.
Howard: What ?
Officer: You can go.
Howard: Oh, no, no, thank you.
Officer: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
Howard: Well, I am not leaving.
Officer: Hey we need this space... Will you get down from there ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, Levitt, What's going on ?
Officer: He won't get down.
Christopher: Howard, we can get back to the office and talk to Dr. Hobbes.
Howard: No, you're not getting me back to that miserable office. That tiny little cubicle with no window or no air. I got rights !
Howard: Mr. Spangler, we can get you a ride home.
Howard: I don't want to go home.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where do you want to go ?
Howard: I want to go back ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Back where ?
Howard: Back There !
Christopher: Total personality collapse
Howard: That's right Galt. I got to be crazy, right? I got to be crazy to want to back to people who imprison me ! Who made me sleep on dirt floors and eat rotten food. Made me walk for miles in the pouring rain and the burning sun, just like they did.
Christopher: Excuse me .
Howard: That's right Galt ! Get out of here ! Go crawling back to the big bosses who feed off the flesh of the peasants .
Christopher: I am late for a meeting
Howard: But you're not taking me with you ! Not Howard Spangler !
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, you want to get down from there ?
Howard: No ! I found out something down there. People can make a difference. Nothing's impossible. The longest journey begins with a single step !
Capt. Barney Miller: Alright Mr Spangler.
Howard: When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I want a plane out of here tonight !
Capt. Barney Miller: Look
Howard: Julio get there guns !
Julio: I don't think so.
Howard: All right, forget it ! I don't need you. Don't you understand ? Those people had something down there... I never had. Commitment. A belief -- belief in something so strong they were willing to fight for it. They were willing to die for it. I was apart of that !
Capt. Barney Miller: Those people are going to keep fighting for what they believe in whether your there or not.
Howard: No they won't
Capt. Barney Miller: Why not ?
Howard: Because they won !
Capt. Barney Miller: Huh ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They did ?
Howard: Three weeks after I was let go, they conquered the capital and overthrew the Junta. So now, Javier, Felipe and all the rest of them are roasting pigs in the Presidential Palace, while Mr. Lucky is stuck back here! But, I - I carried my share of the load sport. I - I did my part. I broke my back for those people. And what did I get for it ? A one-way ticket home without so much as a thank you ! It's not fair ! It's not fair !

Floyd: Are you kidding me ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No man, why should I kid you. Floyd, I am telling you , man this is only the second floor. It's just that you are higher than the rest of us. Come on kid, inside. There you go. That's it.
Floyd: Oh man, this cell is out of tune.

Det. Ron Harris: While Wojo's thinking, uh... I'd just like to say that, um, I mean, come on, cops get transferred all the time, I mean, it's no big deal. But, I -- I -- I think it's been different with us. Something really special happened here.

[Wojo is putting the store payroll in the safe]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [looking at safe] What's the combination on this thing? I forgot it again.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: One to the left, two to the right, three to the left, four to the right.
Det. Phil Fish: That's the way to do the Varsity Drag.

Capt. Barney Miller: Excuse me, is this the Detective Squad Room.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah... Come on,Your on the clock.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm Captain Miller. Can I help you ?
Warren: Yes. I'm Warren Gimble, Willard Pharmaceutical. I am here in regard to our former Mr. Ebling.
Carl: So they sent you, huh, Warren.
Warren: Just, couldn't leave well enough alone, could you Carl ?
Carl: There are 50,000 that aren't well enough to be left alone
Warren: I... I don't know how to respond to that
Warren: Oh, no... yeah, sure !
Warren: I just don't understand him
Capt. Barney Miller: You want to have a seat Mr. Gimble. Sergeant Wojciehowicz will give you a complaint to sign and Mr. Ebling will be remanded for trial.
Warren: Trail ?
Carl: Yeah, my trial. Where I let the whole world know that Willard Pharmaceutical does not give a damn.
Warren: We do give a damn. That's why we may consider not pressing charges.
Carl: Your not getting off that easy. If you want me to keep quiet, I want some cooperation with this thing, Warren.
Warren: I told you Carl, it's too big of a gamble
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If someone doesn't take the gamble Gimble, more people are going to get this stuff
Warren: That's true
Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, by the time they get it past the FDA and out on the market. You could have a epidemic. Hey!
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey ! It could be. With a little luck, and illegal immigration being what it is. We'd probably at least break even. Maybe even make a few dollars.
Warren: Let's keep a good thought.
Warren: I will see you back at the lab. Bring those cultures with you !
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, you want to turn Mr. Ebling loose.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here's your coffee .
Capt. Barney Miller: Thanks... Is it fresh ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: The grounds are... I can't vouch for the water.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, what can live in your coffee ?

Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Miss Hoffline, I'm afraid there's a bit of a misunderstanding here.
Victoria: Oh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Norrell seems to thinks that this building is for sale.
Jack: It is... right?
Victoria: Yes
Capt. Barney Miller: I' m afraid that the decision doesn't rest with Miss Hoffline. This building happens to be under the jurisdiction of the Department of General Services.
Victoria: I know, I already talked to them . And they said I could show it to Mr. Norrell.
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Wojo. Get me someone down at General Services. We'll straighten this out right away. It's obviously a mix-up... Because this precinct, these men perform a vital service to this community The city is not about to sell us out for a quick buck.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, just a second. It's a Mr. McGreavy
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. McGreavy. Yes, Mr. McGreavy, Captain Miller 12th precinct. Yes, we are having a bit of a problem here and I am hoping you can help us with it. We have some people here, who are under the impression that this building is for sale... Yes, well, I already told them that's not the case... that the city is certainly not foolish enough to dismantle an essential... No, he hasn't made an offer yet... Yeah, I'll tell him... Your welcome... Mr. McGreavy said he is looking forward from hearing from you
Jack: Thank you
Victoria: And Captain, you have a nice day

Al: [wearing a dress and a wig] I drove a tank during the war, 3rd division, United States Marine Corps.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You saw combat in the Marine Corps?
Al: South Pacific... silver star... 2 purple hearts.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I think I know where he got hit.

Barney: Hey Fish...
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
Barney: You didn't qualify.
Det. Phil Fish: It was cold, I wore gloves
Barney: Now, you are going to have to go back next week. This time practice, huh ?
Det. Phil Fish: Practice. That means I have to buy my own bullets. You know how much bullets are today?
Barney: There's big demand between between the Middle East and Television
Det. Phil Fish: Used to buy a beautiful bullet for 6 or 7 cents. Today, 13 cents, and lousy quality, in cheap boxes.

Yemana: Mine's the sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel.
Delivery: You mean lox?
Yemana: We had it first.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth or is he really going to try to make trouble?
Capt. Barney Miller: I think Kelly is just a big mouth who is really going to try to make trouble.

Arnold: This is not the proper forum for the resolution of this question.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right, get over to the desk, put out your valuables
Edward: We know the procedure !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then get on it !

Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, thank. Uh, Barney... A bus went out of control and crashed into a building over on 12th Street. They think it was a hijack
Capt. Barney Miller: Hijack ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, go with Harris
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You bet
Det. Ron Harris: Man, you know, I ain't never been on a bus in this town
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You kidding
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I can't afford a cab, I don't go
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You go broke taking cabs
Det. Ron Harris: Plus, uh, I stay home a lot

Det. Janice Wentworth: Sorry I'm late, cross-town traffic is the pits and there is absolutely no air in this room. You could sustain heavy brain damage from living in a condition like this. Do you people realize your breathing in pure heat ? Who took all the air ?
Det. Phil Fish: We don't use the stuff. You must be thinking about another precinct .

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Not at the Wadsworth Hospital either. Not at the University Heights

Bernice: Aren't you ashamed?
Det. Phil Fish: Bernice. Barney may I use your office.
Barney: Help yourself.
Det. Phil Fish: Get in there

Det. Ron Harris: It is not so much a matter of the material things that one gives...
Capt. Barney Miller: No...
Det. Ron Harris: It is a appreciation of woman as individuals, a respect for them as human beings, an awareness of their feelings and sensitivities, an anticipation of needs and desires. It is very simple.

Capt. Barney Miller: No.Haven't you been read your rights ?
Det. Maria Battista: Yes sir
Charles: Oh, yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, book him, make arrangements with and Bellevue, give him his one phone call
Det. Maria Battista: Come on.
Lyle W. Farber: What about me ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You keep your pants on
Lyle W. Farber: He didn't and he gets a call
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We'll get to you when we're ready to get you
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney, want to see you in his office
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I wasn't late
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, we'll find something else to talk about.

Elizabeth: Are you allowed to deduct for your shoes ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Only those with gum soles
Elizabeth: I noticed, you didn't buy any new bullets last year.
Capt. Barney Miller: Didn't use the old ones yet?
Elizabeth: Can I deduct them again ?... Can I depreciate them?
Capt. Barney Miller: Whatever...
Elizabeth: I guess I didn't pick a very good time to come down and discuss taxes
Capt. Barney Miller: When it comes to discussing taxes, there's no such thing as a good time.

Inspector: Sure, what can I do for you?
Inspector: I've been offered this job with the parole board Barney and I've kind of been debating in my mind as to whether I should take it or not
Capt. Barney Miller: Parole Board, you should be flattered by the offer.
Inspector: I am... I am Barney. All them important cases to discuss, you know, and evaluating the pros and the cons... Pardon the pun. All them people in jail, filing their petitions to get out again, you know to join us in the society. Then I guess, I got to take it. I mean, someone's got to keep them vermin behind bars. What do you think ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I think we need you right here Inspector. Oh yeah, the more I think about it.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just get in here and be quiet
Mr. King: Sergeant, look,I really feel we can work this out by ourselves without bothering your superiors.
Capt. Barney Miller: Too late... Mr King, I assume
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Picked him up in a bar over on Lexington, he was pushing a little cocaine this time.
Capt. Barney Miller: Just get in here and be quiet We'll put this with your heroin
Mr. King: Heroin?... Hey man, I don't have any heroin.
Edward: It's okay man, they got mine too
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Shut Up... I don't know who that this...
Capt. Barney Miller: Book'em Wojo, and I think Narcotics may want to have a talk with him
Mr. King: Wait a second... I don't think we have considered all our options here
Capt. Barney Miller: What do you mean ?
Mr. King: I mean, I'm sure we can work out a solution to this problem, that will be mutually beneficial.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on, King... Get off here...
Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute... What did you have in mind ?
Mr. King: You got the other stuff of mine and this coke here... it's very high grade... easy to sell.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'll bet
Mr. King: Hey, I got a key in my pocket... May I
Capt. Barney Miller: Go Ahead
Mr. King: This fits a safe deposit boxes that's got $75,000 inside, all I want to do is walk out of here
Capt. Barney Miller: Let's see if I get this straight, you're offering us all that heroin and that cocaine, and $75,000 just to let you walk out of here.
Mr. King: Well
Capt. Barney Miller: No Thank You, Is that good enough for you?...
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Yeah, I think so
Mr. King: You don't want it?
Capt. Barney Miller: No, it's real nice of you to offer, add attempted bribery to the charges
Mr. King: Oh... nice guy
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: On King
Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich we got out ID, run Devoe over to Bellevue

Officer: Sir?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Levitt?
Officer: Remember Officer Nash, who was up here earlier today?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes.
Capt. Barney Miller: No, he wasn't.
Capt. Barney Miller: What?
Officer: He doesn't exist.
Capt. Barney Miller: What are you talking about?
Officer: I went to take a look at his permanent file, just to check and see if he had a prior history of overzealousness. He doesn't have a file.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, it was probably lost in the transfers.
Officer: Checked it out with personnel in Brooklyn. They never heard of him.
Capt. Barney Miller: There's got to be some explanation.
Officer: ...Thought of one yet?

Harriet: You mean, you'll do it
Det. Ron Harris: Oh no ma'am, I was merely acknowledged your right to make the request

Harriet: Oh God, I'm sorry I called it off.
David: Well then, Pumpkin, you can rot in jail.

Det. Ron Harris: I'm glad your going Fish. It will be refreshing to talk to someone who has a sense of humor and enjoys a little sophisticated and pungent conversation.
Det. Phil Fish: Sure

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I go into Barney's office and tell him there's a robbery in progress and he says "all right you and Harris" like it's some big decision or something...

Wilma: Does it mean, we can plea-bargain ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't we see if we can process you first, then we'll see to it that... you can arrange bail

Officer: We're back
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: All right, inside Harris
Det. Ron Harris: Hey
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's habit
Capt. Barney Miller: How'd it go ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Same crowd from the cafeteria, so we, uh, busted in , we rounded them up, and we headed them out... . I read the brochure
Det. Ron Harris: The, uh, paddy wagon, took them all over to Manhattan South and Mr. Kaiser just went along for the ride
Capt. Barney Miller: Right ? Look, uh, it's almost the end of the shift. Uh, why don't you run that bunch downtown and head on home ?
Det. Ron Harris,30581: All right
Officer: Uh, sir, I would like to say something before we adjourn for the dawn
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Levitt
Officer: Well, it's just , uh, I think I speak for all of us when I say no matter how tedious or frustrating or unrewarding the job may seem at times. It's a privilege of serving under a officer of your caliber and dedication that somehow makes the whole wacky ball of wax worth while. Right ,guys ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, right , Levitt
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I got nothing to add.
Det. Ron Harris: I couldn't have said it better myself.
[Bingo honk horn]

Barney: That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, above board.
Del: I believe you.
Barney: You don't look like you do.
Del: It's my face. I mean this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, she thought I was joking. This face is a curse.

Capt. Barney Miller: Open it up, Nick
Yemana: Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Marty, I just spoke to the Department store, they're willing to accept the fact that you intended to buy the luggage, so ,uh, get over there, give them the money and they'll drop charges
Marty: Well, they are really expensive bags. I don't think I can afford them.
Capt. Barney Miller: They go with your shoes
Yemana: Bon Voyage
Marty: Thank you. Good luck. I don't suppose we'll be seeing each other again
Alan: I probably won't be seeing anybody again
Capt. Barney Miller: Check in Marty, I want to know what happens.
Marty: Yes, Captain... Uh... Goodbye, I really enjoy our brief encounter
Alan: Likewise

Det. Phil Fish: [to Bernice] I *was* listening. I just assumed you'd be finished by the time I closed the door.

Capt. Barney Miller: What happened to the case ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The judge called a recess... so I could have time to get my facts straight
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, just relax take it easy. Everything is going go all right.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I doubt it. I just can't talk in front of people.
Det. Ron Harris: Here you go Wojo
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks, Harris. Even when I was in High School, if I had to give a report, I'd get so nervous, I'd upchuck
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That won't impress a jury... It won't
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, Woj
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah
Det. Ron Harris: Man, you know what would help you a lot ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What ?
Det. Ron Harris: A vest. Really, man, people believe a vest
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris... There is nothing wrong with what I'm wearing
Det. Ron Harris: Well, I mean, now is not the time to go into that

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Uh... What is the latest line on Carter... 4 to 5... pass... Anything good on the Senatorial ?... Nah... Nah... forget it... Whoa... Whoa... Put six dollars on Hawaii to go Republican . Yeah, I heard a little something. My uncle's got a little schmata business in Honolulu. Yeah, that's right, good.
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't you have anything better to do with your time ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Nope
Capt. Barney Miller: No murders, no muggings...
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No rip-offs, no rapes
Capt. Barney Miller: Make you lose your faith in human nature

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Your free to go, Mr. Emery.
Det. Ron Harris: Mr. Emery, I believe in you.- You know Mr. Emery, I don't know a lot about batteries that but I do know a little bit about people and I think you are a man who is well worth investing in.- I'm sure my accountant could put together an Investment Syndicate which would provide for all the financial backing you would ever require.
Herbert: Sergeant, you don't believe in me, and you don't believe in my battery. I'm just a tax gimmick to you, aren't I. - You expect to lose your investment and get a five to one write-off, correct.
Det. Ron Harris: Yes, but no offense
Herbert: Sergeant, let me tell you something, I'm going to take your money and build my battery and make you a millionaire in the process.- I am going to put you in the seventy percent bracket buddy. I will be in touch.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Got statements from Doyle and Crenshaw and slapped them in the cage
Capt. Barney Miller: Right
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Put in that call into Rikers .The guy should be coming down soon
Capt. Barney Miller: All right

Inspector: Barney, here's your official orders for your men and this is for you Levine
Officer: For the last time Inspector Luger, it's Levitt, Carl E. Levitt
Inspector: Correction. Sergeant Carl E. Levitt
Officer: Pardon me.
Inspector: Your are to report to Captain Murtaugh, Detective Squad, 73rd Precinct
Officer: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Det. Ron Harris: All right, Levitt, Congratulations
Officer: Woj
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Congratulations Carl
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Carl
Inspector: Barn, I, uh... I guess there's not much to say, except, gentlemen, I salute you
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Thanks, alot Inspector
[said in unison with Wojo and Levitt]
Perlita: Goodbye, Captain Miller. Goodbye everyone. Please come to see us sometime
Inspector: Please come to see us sometime
Capt. Barney Miller: According to my calculations, the 12th precinct has ceased to exist

Officer: Excuse me, where do you keep the arrest forms ?
Det. Phil Fish: What... ? Over by the door.
Officer: Thank you.

Det. Ron Harris: debt bondage is an ancient form of loan sharking; A man borrows money and attempts to pay it back in physical labor, but the way the system is set up the obligation keeps increasing and the debt passes from one generation to another to another.

Andrew: Now, the thing is Sergeant, Mesa City offers a unique blend of social and cultural opportunities that is tailor-made for the young man on the go.
Det. Ron Harris: Hmm. And you're going in the cage
Andrew: I mean, we have our own Symphony, The Jubilee Dinner Theater and Ballet, several prominent art galleries, a rodeo
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, yahoo... inside.
Andrew: But, uh, but on a more personal note, Sergeant, as a minority member, your opportunities in regards to community leadership and rapid advancement within the department are virtually limitless
Det. Ron Harris: So I'd be it , huh?
Andrew: Well, I'd have to check that .
Andrew: Hm-mmm
[Harris closes cage door]

Inspector: Oh, sure. Here it is. Thanks, Wojo. "Procedures in the Event of Civil Disasters" Barney what was I telling you ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's just what I was saying to Callahan, a few hours ago
Inspector: Callahan, the big mouth motorcycle cop ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I...
Inspector: Huh ? What, was he in here. Shooting off his face again Huh ? About me and the Cashier in a restaurant over in Bensonhurst ? Well, I want you to know, she's a very nice woman. She's practically separated from her husband too. The big mouth ! That's how all those rumors get start, Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller: Absolutely
Inspector: Thanks Wojo. Can I use the phone in your office Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Be my guest

Capt. Barney Miller: Crawling into a hole with a machine gun and a years supply of powdered eggs may be survival but it sure as hell ain't living. And personally, if society is going, I'd just as soon go with it. Because I do not relish the thought of starting all over again with people like you.

Det. Phil Fish: Are you going to do that all day ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You take care of your body , it will take care of you
Det. Phil Fish: The way I figure at this point, we don't owe each other anything

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [yelling] Where were you carrying the bag ?
Capt. Barney Miller: [about the retarded kid] He's not deaf.
Tom: To the barbershop... next to the roller skating ring
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, Barney That's, uh, Del Mitchell's place.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah. Didn't we raid it last year for prostitution ?
Det. Ron Harris: Right.They had the fifty dollar manicure
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, let's bring him in and ask a few questions. See what we can find out ?
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, uh, Barney, Why don't you let me go alone ? I think, it will be easier to get in.
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, uh, have Kogan put a squad car in the area, though
Det. Ron Harris: Right

Capt. Barney Miller: 12th Precinct, Captain Miller speaking... Yeah, go ahead. Chano 10-30 in progress
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right, Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hamilton Bank 11th Avenue, right. Call dispatch, get a couple of cars
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right... Chinese Baker every time...
Capt. Barney Miller: Nick .
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'll be out in a minute
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, we got a Bank Robbery
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Can't help you

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She threw this out the window, with help written on the lid. Just missed the guy
Edna: I only did it to attract attention
Capt. Barney Miller: That will do it
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Her husband locked her in the bathroom
Edna: Why ?
Edna: Because I told him, I had the right the vote for anybody I wanted to.
Det. Ron Harris: Democrats
Capt. Barney Miller: Limiting someone's right the vote is a Federal offense.
Edna: I certainly hope so.
Capt. Barney Miller: I going to have to a little talk with Mr... .
Edna: Relkie. R-e-l-k-i-e.Charles Kaiser Relkie. And I would like to have him arrested ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Harris, you and Dietrich. Let's find Mr. Charles Kaiser Relkie. Bring him in for questioning ? Mrs. Relkie is going to give you the details
Det. Ron Harris: Okay Barney. Mrs. Relkie you want to have a seat over here.
Edna: What would you do if someone told you, you couldn't vote?
Det. Ron Harris: Move south
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Got any evidence tags ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah. Here.
Capt. Barney Miller: Got any coffee left ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure. Wash your hands first ?

Capt. Barney Miller: According to you wife, she hired Mr. Sykes here to kill you.
David: Oh, is that true, Pumpkin?
Harriet: Yes.
David: Well, who put the bee in *your* bonnet?

Det. Ron Harris: I contacted the company, and they're going to send someone over to press charges.
Herbert: Sure, they'll do anything to keep me quiet, to keep my research from becoming a reality.

Officer: You think you got a future one minute, and the next thing you know, they drop one of those H-bombs on your head, and that's all she wrote. Damn it, I should have bought one of that cabin in Jersey.
Capt. Barney Miller: I wouldn't worry about it Callahan? If we're ground zero, everything from here to Philadelphia goes
Officer: How far has a guy got to go ?
Det. Ron Harris: Detroit... .
Officer: Really ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. That's why General Motors picked that place, man. They can't be risking all them cars.

Det. Phil Fish: I'm going to give you some advice, next time call MADISON 8 - 5642
Capt. Barney Miller: That's the fire department
Det. Phil Fish: She in heat, isn't she.

Darryl: I hope it doesn't take too long. I have a lecture at noon.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, you go to school?
Darryl: No, I'm having lunch with my mother.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Amygdalotomy is a recent neurological technique. It's a more sophisticated version of a lobotomy. Electric current is introduced through holes in the skull to cauterize and destroy nerve cells in the limbic region of the brain This enables the surgeon to alter one or more aspects of behavior.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [staring at coffee mug] These cups look different.
Darryl: I scrubbed off all the mold and mildew.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I thought it was a pattern.

Capt. Barney Miller: As a matter of fact while recounting the events of last evening, you did include a few personal remarks, a few editorial comments about each of us.

Bill: Our program is designed to liberate people from the tyranny of their subconscious cravings... and I am living proof that it works. Did you know that at one time I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day , weighed 250 pounds and was an alcoholic.?... But after counter conditioning treatment, today I have absolutely no desire for a cigarette or alcohol or food.
Capt. Barney Miller: Congratulations... Now if you just follow Sergeant Harris, he'll have you sign the complaint

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I know a guy who when he got depressed would just put on his coat, leave the house, and just start walking, sometimes for hours on end. One time, he was gone for almost a whole day.
Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, some people just like to be alone.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah.
Capt. Barney Miller: Came back, didn't he?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah.
Capt. Barney Miller: See.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Tide brought him in.

Capt. Barney Miller: Captain
Krevey: Hello, Creevy, what can we do for you ?
Capt. Barney Miller: We got 65 men on the first watch. How many do you want to keep for double shift ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What double shift?
Krevey: We heard some kind of news about some kind of disaster ? Guys figured they'd pick up some overtime
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, haven't heard a thing, Creevy.
Krevey: No disaster ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry
Krevey: Well, that's okay. That's all right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, you'll be the first to know
Krevey: Yeah sure. We'll be just right downstairs

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know, what my problem is, I'm a prisoner to my biological urges... I mean, my sex life is running the whole damn show.

Harry: You got a whole room full of witnesses, how many more do you need for good sakes ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, we try to squeeze in as many as we can . It helps block our view of the squalor.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Wojo, you can't evacuate an whole city because a sewer backs up. You take shorter breathes and quicker steps

Capt. Barney Miller: What the hell is that ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, I guess Beckman fixed the siren.
Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful -- Just what we need at a time like this.
Beckman: There, I fixed it ! Now, I can't turn it off !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I only wanted to know if we had one !
Capt. Barney Miller: All right ! All right ! Go find the master switch and kill it, so you don't panic the whole precinct !
Beckman: I hope your satisfied !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, it's just rules and regulations !
Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, get on the phone with dispatch. Have them send some patrol cars around the neighborhood with bullhorns telling everybody its a false alarm
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I hope your right
Capt. Barney Miller: Creevey, there's no work ! The city has no money ! Will you get out of here !
Det. Ron Harris: Inspector ?
Inspector: Yes
Det. Ron Harris: It's the commissioner , it's for you.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney ? it's Manhattan South, they say our siren isn't suppose to be on
Capt. Barney Miller: Tell them "No Kidding"
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No Kidding !
Capt. Barney Miller: Hello , Hello. This is Captain Miller here, yeah, what ? Yes, I'm fully aware of that. It was unintentional.
Inspector: Well, why is the siren going on Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Unintentional
Inspector: Unintentional, Commissioner.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look at it as an unscheduled test. All right. Relax. Relax. Take it easy. Well, you know, there are 11 million people in this city and if something did go wrong there is no way of getting them out are you aware of that ?
Inspector: Yeah, well we have heard rumors, sir. Huh ? biggies. Yeah. Unfounded. There all unfounded. Thank you, sir.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look it up in your grey book ! Grey book !
Inspector: Panic ? In the City ? Oh, at City Hall . Oh, they all left , huh ? Where they go ? Well, you think you can get them back to us? I -- I certainly hope so, too. Yes, sir. Goodbye
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, get one and read it and learn something !
Inspector: Barney, take it easy. It was all talk. It was just loose talk
Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, this time but someday !
Det. Ron Harris: No sir, don't pay any attention to it. It was a false alarm. Right !
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Believe me, there's no trouble it was a mistake. The siren went on and we can't turn it off.
Det. Ron Harris: Sorry ma'am . It was a mistake , Please try to overlook it, okay
Capt. Barney Miller: Twelfth Precinct, Captain Miller speaking...
Inspector: Oh and listen Barney...
Capt. Barney Miller: Hold on, please
Inspector: What I said about me and the cashier over in Bensonhurst-- you know , there's nothing to that. It's unfounded, Barney. It's all unfounded. Keep it under your hat, will you ? Don't say anything about it
Capt. Barney Miller: No Problem.
Inspector: Right. Good, Barn. Thanks. I'll see you around boys.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [feeling the effects of the brownies] Hey. What do you guys say we go down to the beach and shoot some clams?

Yemana: He really is a werewolf, Barn. Look, he's got hair growing out of his face!
Captain: That's a beard. Haven't you ever seen one?
Yemana: Not in MY family.

Angelo: [being arrested for robbery] I just wanted some of the excitement and adventure they have on TV.
Capt. Barney Miller: [simply] Looks like you got it.
Angelo: [somberly] Yeah... yeah, I guess so.

[the squad has brought in a stick-up man]
Stick: Hey, it's freezing in here!
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ever since we washed the furnace, we can't do a thing with it.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Makes you guilty even going to the bathroom
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Not if you're been properly toilet trained.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You got some very valid criticisms of the Commission... I'm certainly gonna bring him up at the next meeting... I'm a member... no hard feelings

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, I got a description for the horse: brown eyes, brown hair, two white socks, stands about 6'3 and weighs approximately 1200 pounds.
[laughs]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What do you say we don't tell them it's a horse?
Capt. Barney Miller: I think we better, they just might turn up with someone.

Capt. Barney Miller: Any more on those robberies?
Det. Ron Harris: Just going through the files, trying to come up with a similar M.O... Barn, but there is nothing yet.
Capt. Barney Miller: It's just after two - maybe we'll be hearing from him soon.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I checked out Milford - he's clean, except for a missing persons report his wife filed in Harrisburg in '76. I called her; she's flying in.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr. Milford, your wife is coming down.
Richard: Oh. Thank you.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You guys still going around in circles on those robberies?
Capt. Barney Miller: You have any thought on the subject?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I might... You want to hear? Well, say this guy has a job, gets off at 2 o'clock in afternoon, robs the place, then he goes home to his wife and kids like nothing happened - or maybe, uh... maybe he's into astrology or biorhythms, figures out this is the most favorable time to rob... or the whole thing could be a merry mix-up, this is how I got this job.

Mr. Carterman: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. And I want his whole body to go to prison.
Justice: But...
Mr. Carterman: .. That too!

Barney: Result are what's important. not direction. You sure you don't need anything.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Can I help you ?
Christopher: Christopher Galt, Lemming-Richards Company.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You here to see Mr. Spangler ?
Christopher: Yes, may I talk to him please ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, sure, go ahead .
Christopher: Howard ?
Howard: Oh, it's you.
Christopher: I heard what happened.
Howard: I'm sure you didn't waste anytime spreading it around the office. "Spangler's gone bananas again".
Christopher: Howard, please.
Howard: You don't miss a trick, do you, Mr. New-Vice-President of International Marketing ?
Christopher: Look, Howard, I told you before, you were kidnapped, they asked me to find some stamps in your desk and one thing led to another then I had your job.
Howard: You don't think I really care, do you ?
Christopher: Anyway, bail is being arranged downstairs right now, the company is taking care of it.
Howard: Well, that's a change
Christopher: Look, you know we wanted to pay the ransom, but their government wouldn't let us...
Howard: Or maybe you were just afraid that it might hurt the quarterly profit statement... cut into the stockholder's dividend that you suck from other people's sweat and toil.
Christopher: Look Howard, we all know you have been through a harrowing experience and our only concern is your well-being and getting you back up to snuff. But, I must tell you that some of your recent actions have been a bit disconcerting
Howard: What are you talking about ?
Christopher: Well this memo, for example, that you sent to the sales department yesterday. "From the Desk of Howard Spangler, To the Imperialist Pigs that sit on the backs of Workers"
Howard: So ?

Capt. Barney Miller: How are we doing, Ms. Douglas ?
Felice: There are so many of these men, It's hard to understand.
Capt. Barney Miller: There is a lot of pent-up frustration in there.
Felice: If only it could be harnessed for peaceful use.
Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe someday.

Elizabeth: Have you been seeing another woman ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I don't remember , why ?
Capt. Barney Miller: There's a check stub here, $34 for Rose's
Elizabeth: That's an Italian restaurant, I took the boys for lunch
Elizabeth: I thought it was something like that. I just didn't want to think I was taking you for granted
Capt. Barney Miller: I appreciate it

Beckman: Okay boys, girls... whatever. I don't want to hear no more complaints. Right away you got luxury accommodations, enjoy.
Det. Ron Harris: Hey it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything
Det. Phil Fish: My very words to Bernice

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [looking in the newspaper] It's funny, ain't it?
Det. Ron Harris: What's that?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There's no weather report in the paper.
Det. Ron Harris: Maybe we ain't gonna have any.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Must be the spray cans, you know? The weatherman can't see through all that underarm deodorant up in the clouds.

Det. Ron Harris: Telephone number?
Caleb: Ain't got one.
Det. Ron Harris: Social Security number?
Caleb: Ain't got one.
Det. Ron Harris: Driver's License number?
Caleb: Ain't got one.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Amish belief prohibits any government affiliation, such as receiving Social Security numbers. It also prohibits the use of any technological device unless its in the bible right?
[Caleb nods]
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: .
Det. Ron Harris: You can't drive a car?
Caleb: No automobiles in the Bible, sir.
Det. Ron Harris: Or go on an airplane?
Caleb: Not in the Bible.
Det. Ron Harris: No movies? No television? No discos? What can you people do?
Caleb: Got 14 kids. That's in the Bible.

Det. Janice Wentworth: And this time, I leave nothing to the imagination as to what I am in the market for...

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: First name?
Sylvester: Sylvester. I was born cesarean. My mother named me that for revenge.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Women are sensitive about birth.
Sylvester: Boy, she never let up either. When I was ten years old, she made me take accordion lessons.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She was a distrubed woman, Mr. White. Uh, Middle name?
Sylvester: Marion
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I saw it comin'.

Sgt. Lake,: Nice meeting you, Captain.
Capt. Barney Miller: My pleasure.
Sgt. Lake,: If you ever get to Fort Dix, pop me a flare.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'll do that
Sgt. Lake,: You like tanks.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, sure
Sgt. Lake,: I like to show you mine
Capt. Barney Miller: Looking forward to it

Capt. Barney Miller: [Dietrich hands Barney an envelope] What's this?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Go ahead, open it.
Capt. Barney Miller: [Barney opens the envelope] Oh, you're having a party.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I know.
Capt. Barney Miller: Saturday, 8pm... black tie optional?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Most of the people will be wearing jeans. I just don't want to inhibit anyone sartorially.

Marty: Mr. Shuster, are you a Scorpio ?
Alan: Yeah.
Marty: Oh God, I knew it !

Doris: I want that radioactive waste moved out of the hospital in 2 hours or I'm gonna blow us up.
Det. Phil Fish: You guys didn't have to to this for me.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The hotel he stays at, I found out it's a halfway house for mental patients.
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sort of a Waldorf Hysteria.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, uh, Barn, about that, uh, shot stuff, uh...
Captain: You better get it quick.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, uh, I thought I'd just pass.
Captain: Pass? What are you talking about? Didn't you just hear? There's an official epidemic.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Um, Barn - I got this thing about, uh, needles.
Captain: That's because you're tired.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No it's not.
Captain: Wojo, you gotta get the shot. If you don't get the shot you risk getting sick and you will subject your fellow officers to the same risk. You gotta get the shot.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'll faint.
Captain: Is that a threat?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's a fact.
Captain: What are you talking about? You were in the Marine Corps. You - You had shots all the time.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I fainted all the time. It was embarrassing. Guys standing around making stupid jokes.
Captain: Wojo, you're gonna get the shot and you're not gonna faint.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Suppose I do?
Captain: Then you won't hear the jokes.

Detective: [Fish runs back into the squad room] Hey, where is everybody?
Fish: Wilson, get out of here! There's a bomb in the building!
Marty: [locked in the cage] Oh, Mother in heaven!
Arnold: Goodbye, Marty.
Marty: Arnold, don't you dare leave me here!
Fish: [indicates Marty] Wilson, get him out of here!
Arnold: If you ever catch the lunatic who did this
[hands Wilson his business card]
Arnold: tell him to call me.
[runs out]
Marty: Hurry and open this door.
Detective: [frantically searches] I'm looking for the key.
Fish: Nobody's answering the phone! I've got to cover the rest of the building!
Detective: Go ahead! Hey... I got your case back!
Fish: What case?
Detective: Your briefcase, on the desk!
Fish: Thanks!
[runs out again]
Marty: Aren't those the keys on the desk?
[Wilson runs to get them]
Fish: [slides back into the squad room and stares at the briefcase] Wilson... I don't own a briefcase.
Detective: [stares at briefcase as it dawns on him] It ain't yours?
Fish: No.
Marty: Who cares whose case it is? Just get the door open!
Fish: Wilson... the bomb is in the briefcase.
Detective: Holy Mama!
Marty: Oh, my God! Is it a big bomb?
Detective: How the hell do I know?
Fish: [looks at watch] It's two minutes to five!
Marty: Fish, we've got to get rid of it!

Capt. Barney Miller: Welcome back
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I read the whole report, it's not the same

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know how they make doughnuts, fry them in hot fat. It's Cholesterol. You know about Cholesterol. It builds up in little globules, in veins, arteries. Clogs them up, so blood can't get to your heart. No... no, they don't tell you that on the box
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I thought it would be like cigarettes

Det. Ron Harris: Hey Wojo, for crying out loud, man.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I thought he was... there for official business, wasn't he Barn ?
Barney: Probably
Elizabeth: Did you send him there, Barney ?
Elizabeth: I didn't have to. Fish has initiative.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
Det. Phil Fish: It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold, people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No kidding!
Det. Phil Fish: Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Felch, have you ever heard of the Heimlich maneuver?
Mr. Felch: Sure; Krauts pulled it in '43.

Officer: Afternoon gentlemen, I have for you here the latest interdepartmental bulletins, communiques, memos... Oh, sir . I would like to take this opportunity to be the first to wish you and the men, a very...
Inspector: Happy Thanksgiving ! Everybody !
Officer: Sir, I...
Capt. Barney Miller: It's all right. You were first...
Officer: Thank you, sir !

Officer: Hey... looks like you have a full house Levitt.
Capt. Barney Miller: What can I do for you Levitt ?
Officer: It's too bad those RAND report guys aren't here to see it
Capt. Barney Miller: What is it Levitt ?
Officer: I'm looking for Wojociehowicz, he's assigned to my squad ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Wojo just stepped out for a moment.
Officer: Oh... I'll wait.
Capt. Barney Miller: It might be more than a moment
Officer: Oh, Where did he go ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we don't know where he is right now ?
Officer: Bugged out, did he sir ?
Capt. Barney Miller: No , he didn't bug out. He just went someplace to think.
Officer: He's suppose to be on duty downstairs, right now.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look Levitt, I'd appreciate it if you gave him a little grace period.
Officer: Got it, sir, I'll phony up the report
Capt. Barney Miller: You don't have to phony up anything. It's just a question of a little time.
Capt. Barney Miller: Time... right. I'll just move the time back on the old shift. Don't worry about it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't move anything back, Levitt ?
Officer: Look, one hand washes the other
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't do anything, is that clear ?
Officer: Consider it scratched ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What ?
Officer: Your back.
Capt. Barney Miller: Get out of here, Levitt
Officer: Sometimes, I almost think your not kidding

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Go fry a noodle.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's beneath you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's always me that's doing something wrong: "What'd you say this for, Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."
Det. Phil Fish: Nobody says that about you, Wojo.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?
Det. Phil Fish: That was out of line.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: See? It's always somebody beefing about something I done! I wish I was back out on the streets in uniform again.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: If you're worried about dirty marks on your laundry, maybe Kelly can accommodate you.

Detective: Holy cow... what a stink ? What you guys do, come back by way of Newark ?

Barney: What's the weather look like outside?
Elizabeth: It's brown today.
Barney: Is it raining?
Elizabeth: Something's coming down, but I don't think it's water. It's a new plague. Isn't it pretty?
Barney: A little brown rain is normal for New York at this time of year. If it gets a little colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.

Yemana: [when he's stoned on the brownies with the hashish] Barney, Barney, Barney, is your mother from Killarney?
[a minute later]
Yemana: What do you say we guys go down to the beach, and shoot some clams?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, Traffic light out on Madison. Cars are backing up. They got a couple of accidents already. They got to have someone there to direct.
Capt. Barney Miller: Harris
Det. Ron Harris: That's... That's... That's on Publisher's Row Barn. Why don't you... Why don't you send... ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I just got back from fish duty.
Det. Ron Harris: But... what if I see someone I know?
Det. Ron Harris: Say Hello

Stefan: I want to go home. I gotta get some sleep, and then I gotta go to worrrrrrk.
[growls]
Yemana: Barney!

Capt. Barney Miller: [Barney's observation about Harris] You do have a tendency sometimes to maneuver people into a position where they're on the defensive and you're in control... like now

Glynn: Hey Harris, you really mean this... don't you ?
Det. Ron Harris: Say again... ?
Glynn: I mean, you guys are really straight out, no grease, no fooling around ? I mean, it's going to make for a nice staff study report.
Det. Ron Harris: Come on, what are you talking about Glynn ?
Glynn: My name is not Glynn, it's Hunt, Sergeant Michael P. Hunt, Internal Affairs.
Det. Ron Harris: Barney
Capt. Barney Miller: Yup
Det. Ron Harris: He says he's a cop
Capt. Barney Miller: Cop -- What kind of cop ?
Glynn: Micheal P. Hunt, Internal Affairs
Det. Ron Harris: Come on man, what are you trying to prove ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Take it easy, Harris, Take it easy... All right. What's going on Glynn ?
Glynn: It's not Glynn, it's Hunt
Glynn: Glynn -- Hunt, what's the difference ? What the hell are you here about?
Glynn: It's a normal, on-going investigation ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Of what ?
Glynn: It's just... a normal on-going integrity probe... character profile... that sort of stuff. Hey, come one, you guys did great ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Who are you working for?
Glynn: Lieutenant Scanlon.
Capt. Barney Miller: Harris, get Scanlon on the phone. Tell him I want to see him down here right away .
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, me too.
Glynn: Boy, you guys are touchy ?

Dr. Matthew Kramer: I'm a psychologist who uses hypnosis, as one tool among many.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I just like to know how we're gonna find them now.
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry about it. They'll call us
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: How were gonna know it's them
Capt. Barney Miller: You won't till you get there

Charles: Uh, uh... sir, thank you for your concern
Barney: Pleasure talking to you
Charles: I don't hear that very often.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: People gotta learn they can't play fast and loose with the law.
Capt. Barney Miller: You do what you have to do. You take the consequences of your actions.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's like you and me against the world.
Capt. Barney Miller: Those are frightening odds, Wojo.

Inspector: Now look, you say there is no way to get these people here out of New York
Capt. Barney Miller: Nope, no way, other than normal civil defense procedures
Inspector: Hmm... Every man for themselves
Capt. Barney Miller: More or less... .

Capt. Barney Miller: Hello, there, Kelly, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Detective: Detective Third Grade Eugene Kelly, reporting for duty. I've been assigned to your squad
Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
Detective: Manhattan South said you were short handed, so they sent me over. The department likes to keep a guy like me moving around
Capt. Barney Miller: I can understand that.
Detective: Only I, uh, I don't like replacing a guy who just bought the farm
Capt. Barney Miller: Yemana hasn't bought anything more serious than a week on his stomach. Relax. That's his desk over here.
Detective: Oh, hey Barney, do I got to use his desk ?
Capt. Barney Miller: He won't mind.

Det. Ron Harris: Okay... uh, Barney, I checked out Mr. Crippen. He's got no previous arrests, good family, responsible business man. He's got an office in Wall Street and charge accounts at all the big stores in New York
Capt. Barney Miller: Did you call Siegels ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, they're pressing charges. I mean, they were very understanding until I told them about the other charge accounts
Capt. Barney Miller: Clarence Darrow, your not ?
Det. Ron Harris: Sorry Barn... By the way, he wants to vote too.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, that's commendable
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, well, he was on the way to the polls till he was picked up.
Capt. Barney Miller: First things first
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah

Edna: If my husband is not at home, he's probably in the park yelling at somebody

Richard: Are you still active in Democratic politics?
Ellen: No - no, I'm a Republican now.
Richard: Oh... Does that mean I have to become one, too?
Ellen: It would be nice.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: For every item in the Sears catalogue, there's somebody somewhere who wants to sleep with it.

Det. Janice Wentworth: Excuse me, ma'am,did I hear you correctly? Did you say your husband beat you?
Mrs. Boyle: Yeah, you wanna seethe rest of it? An elbow in the kidneys, a kick in the shins, a wrist burn. And to top it off when he left,he threw my fish in the sink.
Det. Janice Wentworth: You know, an animal like that should be put in jail.
Mrs. Boyle: What do you think I'm doing here, lady ?

Det. Ron Harris: Hey, how is everything in there ?
Mitchell: Oh, Who are you ?
Det. Ron Harris: I am Detective Ron Harris. Oh, feeling a little disaffected,, huh?
Mitchell: I don't feel like talking right now ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, you know, when I'm down in the dumps, you know what makes me feel better ?
Mitchell: What ?
Det. Ron Harris: Writing a book
Mitchell: You mean like Agee or Snepp did ? We have a word for guy like you who leak Agency secrets.
Det. Ron Harris: Co-Author ?

Capt. Barney Miller: There was a lot of excitement last night. The money could have been misplaced or gotten buried under this official litter
Gross: Have you ever misplaced $5000 before ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Once, in a Monopoly game.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barney, There is nothing in the safe but petty cash
Gross: Oh
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $16
Capt. Barney Miller: That's for two weeks

Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, well, your premiums are way out of line and-- And you're gonna make a deal or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. That's right. I'm switching from reducing term to regular life because it looks that I may live longer than I'd hoped.

Det. Ron Harris: Okay Swykirk, let's go downstairs for photographs and prints, huh ?
Mark: Hey... Hey ma'am, believe me it was nothing personal
Georgia: No, I'm sorry, we couldn't have met under favorable circumstances
Steven: Stop talking to him Georgia, you've excited him, you've excited everyone
Georgia: Look at this, serendipity
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr. Himmel, I was outside the elevator, I heard a steady stream of good clean conversation
Steven: Really Georgia ?
Georgia: Really
Steven: Nothing happened ?
Georgia: Nothing... Although, it was a little close in there
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Could we finish your statement now, Mrs. Himmel ?
Georgia: What do you mean close, Georgia.
Georgia: Close... you know... close
Steven: Must mean something
Georgia: Have to keep a little mystery in your marriage .
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I wouldn't know, I've never been married
Georgia: You never found the right girl ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Nope, anatomy class ruined me

Professor: Look I don't know what their talking about. Anyway, it's my word against theirs. So, unless you guys have something to charge me with, I am going back to the Institute because I got essays to grade.
Capt. Barney Miller: You want to have a seat, Professor ?

Dr. Matthew Kramer: Are you driving?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris is driving, I'm laughing.
Dr. Matthew Kramer: Did something amusing occur?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, Harris is telling me about this tie he got for Barney. I mean, he bought it as a joke. Barney turns around and likes it.

Elizabeth: Inside... Excuse me... Is this homocide ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, ma'am, this is Detective Harris, Detective Yemana, of the Goon Squad. What can we do for you ?
Elizabeth: I'd like to make arrangements to have this boy sent to prison .
Truman Jackson: Come on lady, I was only jivin'. It wasn't my stick anyway.
Capt. Barney Miller: What's your name ?
Truman Jackson: Truman Jackson, I'm only 7 1/2
Elizabeth: He's 8
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: All right, uh... , the facts, please, ma'am
Elizabeth: Well, I was riding in an elevator at the house of a friend when this boy got on the elevator and pointed this me and said "this is a stickup".
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well-put
Elizabeth: And then he asked me for all my money
Truman Jackson: Well, she didn't give me any ? Then she took my stick That's robbery ain't it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Jackson. All right. Harris... book him
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Come on... Let's go.
Elizabeth: Do you think I can have a cup of coffee ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Woman use to be shy and modest. You know, Wentworth never even blushes
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, neither do I, at least not so as you can tell

Detective: They say war ain't suppose to be fun. But that one's close as you can get

Det. Phil Fish: Mr Fuzzo, how much can a man make driving people around the park?
Fuzzo: You mean reported income?
Det. Phil Fish: That much, huh?
Fuzzo: Oh you'd like it. I know a lot of guys drive cabs when they get old enough to retire.
Det. Phil Fish: How do you know how old I am?
Fuzzo: Well, you take a guy's height and then you multiply it by the number of times he goes to the bathroom every day.
[Fish thinks about this, and then walks to the men's room]

James: You know, you people have ruined this land, you wasted our animals, our forests, fouled up the air, polluted the rivers. Keep that up and Manhattan going to worth even less than you paid for.

Det. Ron Harris: Here it is. I told you so. It's the exact MO. About three years ago, Henry Newbound. Everything's the same: hits only small buildings, method of entry, only jewelry taken... everything.
Capt. Barney Miller: Good work.
Det. Ron Harris: Thanks.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Congratulations.
Det. Ron Harris: Thank you, Dietrich.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Although I think you're gonna have a hard time serving arrest papers.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, do you?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Man's been dead since 1976.
Capt. Barney Miller: [indicating the file] I'm afraid that's what it says.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Got an air-tight alibi, so to speak.
[Harris storms off. Barney glares at Dietrich]
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [to Barney] Sorry, he had to be told.

Detective: [after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off.
Barney: Don't be ridiculous.
Detective: Freeze! I'm a police officer.
Yemana: Ha ha ha.

Vincent: I wet the bed until I was seventeen!
Det. Ron Harris: You're the arsonist.

Det. Ron Harris: Mr Brewer said that some of his colleagues have been dropping out of sight and he suspects there maybe some foul play
Ray: It was a nice neighborhood before the discos moved in
Det. Ron Harris: I'm gonna go check it out.
Capt. Barney Miller: We'll do the what we can, Mr. Brewer
Ray: I'm seriously considering moving to the suburbs
Capt. Barney Miller: Then you got the commute, you know, the yard, the raking of the leaves

Gordon: You know, proud and adoring parents, such as yourselves, abrim with high hopes and lofty aspiration for their little man for whatever reason -- well, I mean, it's only natural to become a bit embittered, disillusioned, even hurt upon learning one's marginal toddler just can't the mustard Wainwright-style.

Leonard K. Hauser: Do you have any idea how much money, you have cost me already: 25... 2600 dollars ?
Phillip: Good.
Leonard K. Hauser: Listen, I ought to take you to Civil Court and sue you for everything you got !
Phillip: Help yourself . That's everything I got -- two changes of clothes, my bird books ,and a hot pad
Leonard K. Hauser: If you flushed that nut out when I asked you to, I wouldn't have had to pay the demo crew seven hours overtime !
Det. Phil Fish: Was that middle initial "K" ?
Leonard K. Hauser: I may take the city to court !
Frank: I beg your pardon ?
Leonard K. Hauser: I said I may sue the city !
Frank: You ? I'd love to get you up on the stand baby ! A slumlord !
Leonard K. Hauser: Hey ! no names. I could you sue you, too.
Phillip: The city ought to sue him. Threatening people for rents, no decent plumbing, dangerous stairs
Frank: Immorality ! Human Degradation ! Good. Very Good
Leonard K. Hauser: He doesn't know what he is talking about.
Leonard K. Hauser: Ask him about the rats ?
Frank: The rats ! Beautiful !
Leonard K. Hauser: No rats in my building
Phillip: I've had three running around my apartment so long, I've even given them names
Leonard K. Hauser: I told you -- no pets
Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Hauser, here -- sign
Leonard K. Hauser: Take it easy . Don't rush me. I don't sign anything without reading it first.
Capt. Barney Miller: Is there something wrong, Mr. Hauser ?
Leonard K. Hauser: No, no there is nothing wrong here. I just, uh... want to take it home and read it over with my attorney and if it's all right, I'll sign it. I'll mail it in
Frank: See you in court Mr. Hauser
Leonard K. Hauser: Not necessarily
Frank: What's the matter ? You chicken ?
Leonard K. Hauser: No. No. I just happen to be a compassionate man. I know how to forgive and forget. Right Captain ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Right, Mr. Hauser.
Leonard K. Hauser: Learn how to be a human being, for God sakes

Peter: [to Wojo] And, according to this university study, thirty-eight hundred deaths from cancer would be normally expected to occur in a group the size and age of that stationed in Vietnam during this period. Thus, until and unless the actual mortality rate exceeds that of the expected norm, there is really no concrete evidence of a correlation between Agent Orange exposure and these veterans' subsequent illnesses.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [walking up behind Rankin] That may be true, but there was another study at the University of Illinois Medical Center which found that in veterans who had been exposed to Agent Orange, there was an unusually high incidence of a particular type of autoimmune antibodies formed against the body's own cells... antibodies associated with the liver disease diagnosed in many Agent Orange victims.
Peter: ...Who are you?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Just a stranger passin' through.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know, you keep looking at stuff like this long enough, you start getting tired of it.
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, it's, uh, called aversion therapy.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, you know, it's like if you want to stop smoking, uh, they force you to keep smoking one cigarette after the other, until finally you're, uh, sick of it.

Det. Ron Harris: Look, the man is talking about a national emergency, not local, uh, slap and tickle

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Spangler
Howard: I -- I'd like to sit down.
Capt. Barney Miller: Go right ahead. You can leave whenever you want to.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We'll leave the door open.
Howard: Thanks.

Capt. Barney Miller: How much is in there ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Two hundred sixteen thousand four hundred and eighty odd dollars
Capt. Barney Miller: Eighty odd. Aren't you sure ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, when your loaded. What's a few bucks more or less ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That is more. Less is what I take home every week

Neil: Don't worry about it Marvin, they have no basis in law, they are trying to make a test case out of it.
Marvin: What does that mean?
Neil: It means they want it to go through the system, you know, arguments plea bargain, trail, appeal, maybe eventually the Supreme Court - This could be big?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You'll be famous Mr Lindsey.
Marvin: What?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Court decisions of this magnitude are usually named after the Defendant.
Marvin: Yeah.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You'll appear in legal reviews, magazines, textbooks. Rape will be known as committing a Marvin Lindsey.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Mr Ditka, Mr. Ditka. We're not pressing charges, we're merely conducting an investigation

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, It was a good bust. Ah... The guy just stood there. He refused to help.
Capt. Barney Miller: Sure, despicable, I agree. But illegal ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's in the penal code, I read it.
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, the Assistance law Section 195 point something, states " a person must help a police officer if a police officer identifies himself as such and requests assistance". Did you identify yourself and request assistance ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, not in so many words ?
Capt. Barney Miller: How many words ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Two
Capt. Barney Miller: What did you say ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Grab him ?
Capt. Barney Miller: "Grab him". How is the man suppose to know your a cop ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I said it with authority !

Arnold: Yusick ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yusick ?
Arnold: Mr Yusick... here.
Charles: Oh... no, no, no. My lawyer is already on his way down.
Arnold: Don't be cocky, I had an uncle who went like that .

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Alright, just step inside.
Howard: I know... I know the procedure
Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here?
Howard: My name is Howard Spangler, and I am an American Citizen.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He is.
Howard: We picked him up in his apartment. He attacked some cleaning people in the hallway and then he locked himself in the closet.
Howard: They started speaking Spanish, giving me orders. "Anda, Anda". I don't have to take that anymore.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Take it easy, Mr. Spangler.
Howard: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's only a short time since I have been released
Capt. Barney Miller: Mental Patient
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hostage
Howard: No, No, I wasn't one of the fabulous 52. I was the one you never read about.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr Spangler was an executive with an American company in South America who was kidnapped by a rebel group in '79.
Howard: Eighteen months, I lived a nightmare. Chained up in filthy huts, dragged up and down the mountainside like excess baggage. Eating with East Germans.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: They let him go last December.
Howard: You know, those guys from Iran, they got a ticker-tape parade, and a handshake from the President. I got back at 2 AM on a charter flight and show up for work the next day.
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Spangler... I
Howard: I wasn't on Nightline once ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've had some... I've had some time difficulty adjusting to thing. I sometimes get these kind of flashbacks. I guess, that's what happened to me this morning.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm afraid, I'm going to have to hold you temporarily.
Howard: Just like old times.
Capt. Barney Miller: As soon as you give some information to Sergeant Wojciehowicz. You can make some phone calls.
Howard: I'd like to arrange ransom
Capt. Barney Miller: It's "bail"
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, have a seat Mr. Spangler. I'll be with you in a minute.
Howard: Yeah. Oh, you don't have to tie me up. I'm not going anywhere.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then we won't

David: Sergeant, as your legal counsel, I would strongly advise you not to make any further comments unless so advised by me.

Professor: Look, the point is, everything I'm doing here is legal and above board and designed to enlighten and educate restaurateurs, merchants, and everybody else whose had it up to here with getting ripped off.

Capt. Barney Miller: You all right ?
Det. Phil Fish: I'll be fine. fine Barney. It's just the smog, I swallowed a piece
Capt. Barney Miller: Nick, get some water, will you ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure, anybody see the strainer

Mr. Felch: [skeptically] Hemlock maneuver. That's a good one! I mean, who do you're dealing with here, some local who just got off the phone? Let me tell you something: I've spent 25 years in this city, and I know all about people. Nobody does nothing for nobody but themselves!
Mr. Felch: [Harris types] Yeah, you're right, I'm a little cynical, so excuse me for not believing in Tinkerbelle.
Mr. Felch: [to Mr. DeLuca] Let me get this straight: You're saying that you saw me in trouble, so you came over, for no reason, with nothing in it for you, and saved my life.
Norman Deluca: Yes.
Mr. Felch: You're sick!

Det. Ron Harris: It's like '1984.'
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Or 1942.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I think our suspect is suffering from intense feelings of failure and inadequacy, so to compensate he assumes the personages of people who have positions. of respect and authority : Doctors, Lawyers, Priests
[Dietrich states that it fits his theory that the man is an impersonator of authority figures]

Vincent: Uh, Barney, there's an assault in progress at the Magnolia Theater over on Third.
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: That's Mr. Jingle's corner
Capt. Barney Miller: Allright, you and uh...
Officer: I'll go, sir
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you, Levitt
Officer: And when I get back, you can begin to process my resignation
Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt.
Officer: I'm quite sure they'll approve that
Andrew: Uh, excuse me
Officer: Okay, cowboy, you got a deal.
Andrew: Great
Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt ! Levitt !

Barney: Okay, okay, guys from Narcotics aren't used to conforming. Give him a while. He'll adjust

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sometimes Harris thinks he's the only guy in the world who can put two words together.
Det. Ron Harris: Got two words I could put together right now.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Nick
Capt. Barney Miller: 'Morning, Woj
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hi Barn
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, mail in yet
Capt. Barney Miller: No, you expecting something
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Official business
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where's Fish ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, he's not coming in today ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's the matter with him now ?
Capt. Barney Miller: An old ailment acting up again
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You mean, the one where he can't sit down too good.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, that's the one I was referring to and it's not a laughing matter.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Umm... yeah, I know, it's just hard to sympathize with something you never had
Capt. Barney Miller: Your young yet...

Capt. Barney Miller: You help us, we'll help you. You cooperate, I pretty much guarantee I can get you probation We could probably get you into a methadone clinic... Help you kick the habit.

Capt. Barney Miller: Expecting trouble ?
Col. Charles Dundee: I keep it mostly for sentimental reasons
Capt. Barney Miller: According to your advertisement, you run some kind of recruitment agency
Col. Charles Dundee: We're looking for a few good men.
Capt. Barney Miller: Is, uh... that one of them
Col. Charles Dundee: Brauer is a good man.
Capt. Barney Miller: You would send a fifty year old appliance salesman off to fight in some guerilla war
Col. Charles Dundee: You say war, like it's there's something dirty about it.
Capt. Barney Miller: Must have slipped out
Capt. Barney Miller: Captain, war is the one thing we can depend on, in a crazy, mixed-up uncertain world.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't you have a seat over at Sergeant Harris's desk and he'll get some further information out of you.
Det. Ron Harris: Thank's Barn... Mr. Dundee
Col. Charles Dundee: Colonel

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Listen, I'm really sorry about this.
Laura: Oh look, it's not your fault. I mean, If I broke the law, your going to have to arrest me
Det. Ron Harris: What's that about?
Capt. Barney Miller: You tell me.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Cap, this is Miss Laura Kirgo... Solicitation, Trespassing, Disorderly Conduct... Don't go by that.
Det. Ron Harris: Huh?
Capt. Barney Miller: See, she sort of caused a riot in the bar. According to the bartender, she would come on to a guy, get him all interested, and then drop him and go on to another guy.
Laura: See, no one was right... My standards... they're exceptionally high.
Det. Ron Harris: Very commendable!
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She wasn't really soliciting, I mean for money.
Laura: I was just looking for a suitable volunteer.
Det. Ron Harris: For what?
Laura: Father my child?
Det. Ron Harris: I see...
Capt. Barney Miller: You do.
Laura: I want to have a baby. It's just I am not particularly interested in having a husband.
Det. Ron Harris: Doesn't that come with the territory?
Det. Ron Harris: Who's pressing charges?
Capt. Barney Miller: The owner. He's the only one she didn't ask.
Laura: I mean, I am not asking for a lifetime commitment. All I want is just a few hours with a healthy reasonably intelligent man.
Ray: I'm Ray.
Det. Ron Harris: Wojo, you want to take care of Miss Kirgo ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'll book her.
Det. Ron Harris: That's what I had in mind, yes.
Capt. Barney Miller: Have a seat.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know, actually, more and more women are opting for single motherhood - whether through artificial insemination or Miss Kirgo's method. It satisfies the maternal instinct, and also allows them to maintain an individual lifestyle.
Det. Ron Harris: You want to know what I think? I think the family unit is falling apart fast enough without behavior like that to give it a shove!
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I guess that eliminates you.

Det. Phil Fish: Okay, Barney.Hey Fish, we got to get rolling man. We got to see a lady about a burglary on the Upper East Side and also somebody is ripping off drugs at Gramercy Park Hospital, which do you want to check out first?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Try the hospital, at least the conversation is more stimulating

Capt. Barney Miller: Ah Harris? Harris, listen, do me a favor will you ?
Det. Ron Harris: Man... I buy at the wrong time . I sell at the wrong time.
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that .
Det. Ron Harris: You know, I could have bought Xerox at $13
Capt. Barney Miller: Really ?
Det. Ron Harris: But I said, "Who's gonna spend all that money on a machine when they got carbon paper ?"

Det. Ron Harris: Man... Man... Man did you read this? Did you read the latest issue of Newsweek ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No, was I suppose to ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey Barn, did you... read this report from the RAND Corporation for the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah, I know this report
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's it say ?
Det. Ron Harris: It says that uniform cops do all the work and the Detectives are a waste of money .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Your kidding
Capt. Barney Miller: Everyone is entitled to their opinion
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, the last time they had an opinion they laid off 3,000 cops .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Whose this RAND Corporation ?
Det. Ron Harris: It's a company, that don't make nothing
Capt. Barney Miller: It's called a "think tank" ?
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, a bunch of guys, they lay on a beach out there in California, thinking about something and then they write a report and make a million dollars
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sounds like a perfect dream
Capt. Barney Miller: "Detectives spend an inordinate time polishing their image"
Det. Ron Harris: Huh, Do you believe that ?
Capt. Barney Miller: "They spend almost as much time shuffling paper as they do cracking cases."... Here..."If Detectives, who are the elite members of the police force don't solve most of the crimes, who does ?"
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah, I'd like to know, who does ?
Capt. Barney Miller: "Principally, the much maligned cop on the beat"
Det. Ron Harris: Oh man, who ever maligned the cop on the beat
Officer: Good Morning, Detectives
Det. Ron Harris: Without good cause

Mitchell: They got rid of me because I was making too many waves. I heard too much, I seen too much.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Okay. Got to put you in the cage ?
Mitchell: I could tell you things about "The Fall of Saigon" that will make your skin crawl.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What happened ?
Mitchell: What ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: About "The Fall of Saigon"? What happened ?
Mitchell: It fell, okay ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay ?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Twelfth Precinct, Detective Sergeant Amenguale speaking... W-would you repeat that please?... Yes, yes, I'm writing it down. Uh-huh very good, thank you. We should be there between ten to fifteen minutes. Thank you very much, goodbye. Barney, I swear to you that is the same guy who called me yesterday
Det. Ron Harris: Here we go round two
Capt. Barney Miller: This time we're all going. Wojo, draw some weapons. Meet you downstairs.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Captain
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, better get your excitement while you can.
Detective: Checks out, Barney. It's registered, all right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, give it back to him. Wait... Draw Mr. Ditka some 38 caliber ammunition.

Det. Janice Wentworth: Captain Miller ! Excuse me, Captain Miller ! A guy just checked in at the Fremont Hotel,11th Avenue. A clerk recognized him as a armed robbery suspect from an APB circular.
Barney: Where's Chano ?
Det. Janice Wentworth: He's on a call.
Barney: Yemana ?
Det. Janice Wentworth: He's still at the Armory . And Wojciehowicz and Harris are still down at Narcotics and won't be back till the end of the week.
Barney: I know Wentworth. I know
Barney: You think you can handle it yourself.
Fish: I can take a Patrolman
Barney: No, no, no, no, no uniforms

Dietrich: I've always admired the Japanese outlook on death. The calm acceptance, the treating it as a part of life...
Yemana: [to Wojo] I dunno what he's talking about - personally, I'm going kicking and screaming all the way.
Wojo: Well, why don't you tell him that?
Yemana: I like my image.

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, Wojo, you're getting obsessed with that. Now, will you put that thing away and get to work on something you can do something about .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay Barn, but I would just like to know the procedures, in case the sirens go off.
Capt. Barney Miller: What siren ? We don't have a siren.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's suppose to be a siren up on the roof
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, suppose there is a siren up there and suppose it does go off. Then we will cooperate with the Civil Defense Department, do whatever they say because it is there ball game
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There is no more Civil Defense Department, Barn. The city couldn't afford to keep it going any longer.
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, y-you've unearthed the problem and you've reported it to your superior officer. Will you let me handle it. File that !

Barney: Narcotics travels light , huh ?
Detective: Yeah... light
Barney: Nick, get him a locker .
Detective: I don't need a locker
Barney: Get him a locker anyway man need a place to be alone... We'll talk later

James: [to Barney, about the bomb he built] Last year I got a C in physics... think what the kids who get B's and A's could do... especially if they get mad.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Wojo, get his statement.
Professor: Hey, come on, what are you... I'm not doing anything wrong here. I'm helping people
Capt. Barney Miller: By teaching them to steal
Professor: By teaching them to survive. I'm mean, what are they going to do. I'm mean, people can't even get a job these days. Let alone credit. You want them to starve
Capt. Barney Miller: Professor...
Professor: Or would they rather have them going out on the street clubbing each other over the head for a loaf of bread or a couple of stinkin' bucks. I'm educating people here pal. Getting people to use their brains not their fists. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Capt. Barney Miller: Book'em

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: And Barn, this is Nurse Krewson and Mr. Brewer, they were on duty when the patient escaped.
Dr. Engels: Don't say escaped... not escaped... say "wondered off", after all we're not a prison or anything like that.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Three of them "wondered off" after locking these two in the closet.
Capt. Barney Miller: You weren't hurt, were you ?
Kenny: They never touched us. We were all ready in there
Nurse: We were checking the inventory. They locked us in the closet
Capt. Barney Miller: I see. Harris, you want to get a statement from Miss Krewson and... uh, Mr. Brewer
Det. Ron Harris: All right, Miss Krewson, come on...
Capt. Barney Miller: Doctor, if you'll have a seat over here.
Inspector: Barney, I think I'll be going
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah...
Inspector: Downstairs... just for a minute, I want to wish the uniforms a happy and active Thanksgiving. Just wanted you to know where I'll be in cin case you change your mind...

Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barn
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah?
Det. Ron Harris: You, uh, you remember Arthur Duncan here ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Back again Duncan ? What was it the last time, ripping off the Salvation Army wasn't it?
Det. Ron Harris: Mm-Hmm
Capt. Barney Miller: Before that ? uh...
Det. Ron Harris: Assaulting the handicap
Capt. Barney Miller: Right.
Arthur: So, you all are looking well
Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, when we drove up in front of the theater, we found Arthur here pinned against the ticket booth by one Mr. Jingles and Woof-Woof the Wonder Dog
Arthur: A Great Dane wearing a derby, very funny .
Capt. Barney Miller: So, you're up to clowns now, huh, Duncan?
Arthur: Well, I can't help it. My--My father never took me to the circus . Well, maybe it was the boat show
Capt. Barney Miller: Take his statement
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Circus Boy, take a seat over there, huh?
Arthur: Yeah, sure, right

Herbert: I have the answer to the greatest problem facing civilization today.
Det. Ron Harris: Barn, this is Herbert Emery, we picked him up at Powerite Electronics, found him in the President's Office, he'd broken into the safe and taken out these blueprints.

Det. Ron Harris: Do you live in this area here ?

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: All the years that I've been on the force, I've never been offered a bribe.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Does that bother you?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hell, I wouldn't take the money, but sometimes it's just nice to be asked.

Capt. Barney Miller: You know, Mr Hadden ,the irony of this is that it's only in this country like this one where the power of the law is above all else that you get to walk out that door.

Det. Janice Wentworth: Got a lot of action out there tonight, huh ?
Det. Bailey: Ah, the freaks are out in force.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Good, there'll be plenty to go around
Det. Bailey: You really enjoy your work, don't you ?
Det. Janice Wentworth: Yeah, it's important, it's exciting, and it's the best way for a woman to meet the public... armed.

Det. Phil Fish: Hey, Barney this is marvelous. Deputy Inspector
Capt. Barney Miller: There is a slim chance of anything like that happening. But, it is a kind of a kick to see in a official publication
Det. Phil Fish: Deputy Inspector. I know guys who have been on the force 30 or 40 years and never even been considered for a job like this. Take me for instance. I'm proud. I am going to put it on the bulletin board.
Capt. Barney Miller: No. No. Don't say anything. Don't tell anyone. It would be causing a lot of excitement over nothing. I haven't even told Liz.

Capt. Barney Miller: Legally, this does not mean a thing
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It doesn't
Capt. Barney Miller: No, however, any results of any tests can be entered into any reports simply because you volunteered to take the test
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: But I didn't volunteer for anything
Capt. Barney Miller: I told you, you did not have to take it
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If I didn't take it, I'd look guilty
Capt. Barney Miller: It's called volunteering
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, if that goes on my record, that I wasn't telling the truth, you know that I'm a liar, that I can't be trusted. I had it as a law enforcement officer.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's true
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It is, I wasn't expecting you to agree with me.

Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I still not convinced, there is anything illegal about this
Det. Ron Harris: Well, we're coming to that. You see, apparently, Brookburn Enterprises, also supplies it applicants with weapons
Harriet: Last week, he brought home a Bazooka
Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you should check it out. Take a couple of uniforms with you
Det. Ron Harris: Right , Barn

Det. Phil Fish: You know, Nick, Bernice used to massage me, scrub my back, smooth my brows, blow on my neck.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What for?
Det. Phil Fish: My very words.

Dr. Matthew Kramer: Allright, now the car has driven of, what are you doing ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Giving pursuit .
Dr. Matthew Kramer: Are you driving? - Still trying to think of the license number?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I'm thinking of having to talk to Barney. I'm picturing the look on his face, when I give him the report.
Dr. Matthew Kramer: I'm afraid any further probing is going to be fruitless.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I mean, it's always the same thing. You know...
[Barney reaches into his pocket for his glasses]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He'll look at you over his glasses,
[Barney sighs]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: give me one of his sighs. Thing is, I have been working in this squadroom for five years now, I've been a Sergeant for two, and he keeps treating me like I'm just out of the academy. - I mean, I always feel like Barney needs to talk down to my level. Make some kind of allowances for me, not like,well like Dietrich. Dietrich doesn't patronize you. He talks to you. Like you understand what he's talking about. A lot of the time, I don't, but that's just because Dietrich is a smart person. I think, Dietrich has more brains than the rest of us put together. - Getting back to Harris - ever since he wrote his book, he acts like...
Dr. Matthew Kramer: Sergeant, I'm going to wake you in a moment, so just relax and prepare yourself. - Before I bring him out of it, are there any post-hypnotic suggestions you would like me to give?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I wanna hear him cluck.
Dr. Matthew Kramer: Sergeant, I'm going to count to five. On the count of five, I am going to snap my finger, and you will awaken, you will recall none of this conversation, but you'll be fine in every respect...
Capt. Barney Miller: Doctor, thank you for coming down anyway
Dr. Matthew Kramer: If you don't mind I just want to jot down a few notes on the session right now, while it's still fresh in my mind.

Gordon: Gilbert !
Gilbert: What do you want ?
Gordon: They want me to sign the complaint ?
Gordon: So...
Gordon: So, I really don't think your a bad lad Gilbert. I just think you need to redirect your energies to something more constructive, more positive, even fun.
Gilbert: Like what ?
Gordon: You ever been to the woods, Gilbert ?
Gilbert: Maybe... Why, who wants to know ?
Gordon: Ah... Just picture it, taking a dive in a cold stream, drying ourselves around the morning campfire while the bacon and eggs are crackling in an old iron skillet, come on, just you and me
Gilbert: You want me to go into the woods with you ?
Gordon: That's it.
Gilbert: Just you and me ?
Gordon: And all of God's creatures
Gilbert: Yeah, I think I know those creature, man... always trying to bump up against me in the subway... things like that, huh ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Occupation?
Vincent: Assistant shipping clerk for the Camisole Brassiere company.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How do you spell brassiere?
Vincent: B-b-
[sputters and laughs]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [unamused] That's okay, I'll abbreviate it.

Roland: Death has never been a deterrent
Capt. Barney Miller: Self-destruction happens to be against the law in this state, Mr. Gusik

Inspector: What's going on out -- Hey Fish, how are you doing boy ?
Det. Phil Fish: I've got to be back at the nursing home by lunch to watch the rooms. They'll all be gathered in the cafeteria for a lecture on roughage
Inspector: So, Barney, nursing home, huh ? I thought he was starting to talk slower
Capt. Barney Miller: He's on assignment Inspector
Inspector: Oh sure, Barney. If the shoe fits, right ?

Capt. Barney Miller: All right Gentleman, we have all purged our souls, life goes on : Yemana - that's a police phone not a racing wire, and Chano - see if you can convince your brother-in-law that there is still some hope for us, ah, Wojo - when you take that Sergeants exam, wear a clean shirt, Fish -...
Det. Phil Fish: Don't waste a warning on me

Dr. Engels: It's your responsibility as a professional nurse !
Nurse: I can not be everywhere at once, Doctor Engels !
Dr. Engels: Everywhere no, somewhere yes ! I presume, you can be somewhere at once, Miss Krewson.
Nurse: There are not enough nurses for god sakes. Are there enough nurses ?

Horace: Well, we did not just sew up the money in a mattress , fellas... In fact, we invested rather shrewdly. Real Estate, Oil , of course. We bought in on the ground floor of Boeing , IBM, a linen service.

Captain: [Barney and Wojo are using the phone at the same time while standing right next to each other. Barney was put on hold] Come on! Come on!
Wojo: Hello?
Captain: Hello, Bomb Disposal?
Wojo: No, it's Wojciehowitz.
Captain: Get off the line. I'm trying to get Bomb Disposal.
Wojo: Who's this?
Captain: Barney!
Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, whattya need?
Captain: GET OFF THE LINE!

Det. Janice Wentworth: Okay, Mrs. Heartstone, we want you to think very carefully about the man who robbed the theater, right. And your going to look at pictures of men with criminal records, we call them mugshots and there in a book which we call a mugshot book. Now, your job will be to very carefully scrutinize each picture in an attempt to identify the aforementioned man. We appreciate very much you doing this. Because we know it is a very difficult job, because it is a very big book and it is the first book

Ramon: I'm a Puerto Rican junkie, in a police station, with a gun in my hand! What am I gonna do with a fair trial?

Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: One more thing ,I do not know you keeps the pad, I think I'll just pass on it... No Problem, I known what it's like to try to make ends meet on just a paycheck... Everyone pickups a little extra knicky-knack here and there, which is okay with me. But like I said - I think I'll just pass on it

Captain: 12th Precinct... Captain Miller speaking... Oh, yes Commissioner... Yes, sir. 5'o'clock again... . Well, we should have something on it in, uh, give me about a week... Could be a couple of days... Tomorrow, is definitely a possibility... How about holding the phone for a couple of minutes ?... Oh,yes, you got to have a sense of humor in a job like this... Yes, sir, I definitely can keep it to myself... . Yes, sir... .Yes, sir... .Yes,sir...

Naomi: Read the inscription, Bruno
Bruno: You telling me what to do ?
Naomi: I just suggesting

Capt. Barney Miller: We'll contact you if we need you

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Honky? That has an interesting etymology was coined by Blacks in the 1950's in reference to the nasal tones of Caucasians.

Benjamin: Look, I treated you like a friend. I took you into my heart. I even showed you how I made chopped liver. You hurt me Harv.
Harv: It's nothing personal

Officer: Sir, a Police Officer does not accept any private monetary remuneration. His reward is the gratitude of the general public, the respect of his fellow officers, and the recognition he receives from his superiors. I hope I made that perfectly clear

Barney: [after Chano and Fish return from a bank robbery and Chano is acting very strangely] What happened?
Fish: Two armed men. One with a shotgun. One with a handgun. Shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if *someone* didn't get inside.
Barney: Apparently someone did.
Fish: Chano... killed both of them.

Det. Ron Harris: Hello, Sergeant Harris
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, Perlita, what a pleasant surprise
Perlita: Thank you
Det. Ron Harris: Has the Inspector been hiding you someplace
Perlita: Not all the time

Det. Maria Battista: Ignorance of the law is no excuse, Mister.

Arnold: [to Wilson, disguised as a woman] Hello, Wilson. Going home early?
Detective: Don't get fresh, or mama's gonna scab your lip.

Det. Phil Fish: What do you mean you don't issue new policies to persons my age?... Oh, really?... Would you care for a suggestion of what to do with that rock of yours?... Hello?
Capt. Barney Miller: No luck, huh?
Det. Phil Fish: Nobody'll cover me. Oh, if Bernice finds out I don't have any insurance, it would kill her. And she's not covered either.

Capt. Barney Miller: Strip away that outfit, that loud mouth... you'll probably find a lovely, fragile, frightened little girl.
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Sure. It's what guys your age are payin' for.
Capt. Barney Miller: I appreciate that.

Capt. Barney Miller: Better notify the postal authorities
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds

Bruno: He was scaring customers away
Leslie: They were entranced
Bruno: Well, no law says I got to let some freak do weird things in front of my store
Leslie: Mime is the oldest and purest of all art forms
Bruno: Yeah, I got your art right here
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, let's everybody relax. Just, take it easy, huh? Uh, Dietrich, Do you want to take Mr. Bender's statement ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, all right Mr. Bender ?

Capt. Barney Miller: Kelly is after someone in a position of authority, looking for someone who has been doing a little chiseling under the table. Somebody whose wife has been doing a little chiseling under the table

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey Harris, how many of those checks you got ?
Det. Ron Harris: Thirteen, totaling 374 dollars and 30 ents
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Why would a guy pass out that much paper for so little cash ?
Det. Ron Harris: He's crooked but not greedy ? Hey, uh, Does this look like the same dude to you?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I don't know, checks are not my speciality, bills are more my line.

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, don't you have things to do ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, but why the hell bother ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, these guys come breezin' in here, acting like they own the damn world, like we're the one getting in the way. You might as well chuck the whole right now, and just go sit out on the street
Capt. Barney Miller: My office.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's that going to accomplish ?
Det. Ron Harris: Barn, he's got a point
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I got dibs on the curb
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, it's just a building. And a damn lousy one at that. I mean, we... we sweat like pigs in the summertime, freeze our tails off in the winter. I got a bathroom that is an embarrassment. The roof leaks. You really want my opinion, we should have been out of here years ago.
Joseph: Roof, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, it's been home, we've done some fine work here. But, they can't take that away from us. What would be so terrible if we... we moved to some nicer quarters ? Someplace with a... electric typewriters. With a bathroom that is a bathroom. A window that actually looks out on something. What would be so terrible ? The point is, what's the difference where we work, as long as we're working together ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I hear they got a Mr. Coffee over at Manhattan South .
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, there you go. Why don't you grab yourself a cup, when you drop off the professor there. You can head on home from there.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks Barney
Capt. Barney Miller: You guys too, it's almost check-out time you go ahead on home.
Det. Ron Harris: Thank you Barney
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I feel better
Jack: Listen Captain, I think we will be heading out to. We're going take a look at that roof... hey, nice speech
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
Professor: You know, he's right, this place is in a lot of trouble
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Leave it alone
Professor: If it's a matter of a deed, low interest...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Leave it alone
Det. Ron Harris: Barn, Arthur and I are going to stop for a bite, do you want to join us
Capt. Barney Miller: No, I have some paperwork to finish up
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Better hurry
Capt. Barney Miller: Good Night
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: See you, Barn
Det. Ron Harris: Good Night, Barney

Howard: Oh God, how I hate that show!
Howard: [singing part of the 'Welcome Back, Kotter' theme] "Welcome back, welcome back..."
Howard: You want to know how they welcomed back Mr. Blaine, the librarian? Blew up his car!

Captain: [Barney is trying to convince Fish that he's not too old to be a cop anymore] Fish, I think of you as experienced. In an emergency you would be the first one I would call.
Fish: You should call me first... I need time to put my teeth in.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That is definitely not Puerto Rican coffee. Who made this?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I did.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Tastes like it was made yesterday.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What time yesterday?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale,8127: Hey man, it's fiction, you always use first person singular in fiction
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh yeah ? Next time you and me, we, find ourselves in an alley with some guy with a knife, how would you like to find yourself, first person and singular ?

Det. Phil Fish: Hello, is this the Police Pension Fund, I would like to speak to the Director please. It's about my future
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Tell him it's urgent

Capt. Barney Miller: That decision has not been made yet but I am certain that will be forthcoming

Capt. Barney Miller: What can I do for you, Mr. Norrell ?
Jack: I would like you to meet Joseph Saxon, my architect
Joseph: Oh my God !
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Saxon
Jack: I thought I would bring him around, show him what we are up against ?

Ron: That's because, I've been busy, very busy, trying to solve the very problem you have expressed your concern about

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: The department has qualified personnel, we used it to help witnesses and victims to recall details

Capt. Barney Miller: Very lovely... very lovely. But you're still going to have to do some typing
Det. Phil Fish: What ? Heh, heh... .
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you. What's going down?
Det. Phil Fish: Heh, heh, heh, heh... My socks won't stay up. I'm going to put a rubber band around them.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's, uh, that's not good for you. It can cut off your circulation.
Det. Phil Fish: I have no circulation. Wherever my blood is, that's it.

Captain: So Dietrich, big plans for the weekend?
Dietrich: No, I'm staying home. I've gotten involved in the New Celibacy Movement.
Captain: Oh, Yeah?. what's that?
Dietrich: Its a movement for people who are fed up with the whole shallow dating scene.
Captain: Couldn't get a date, huh?
Dietrich: Not a single one.

Officer: Mail Call ! She came in the mail.

Vern: Leon, one way or another, they'll get us. It's no use.
Leon: Don't say that.
Vern: It won't work, Leon.
Leon: Well, if you're gonna lose your enthusiasm, give me the gun.

Professor: This is a flagrant violation of academic freedom.

Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, there are five precinct captains who got more time in on the force than I do
Det. Phil Fish: We are all going to miss you
Capt. Barney Miller: It's Cook, Leeds, Stevenson, Rourke and Burns
Det. Phil Fish: And Carmichael
Capt. Barney Miller: You know what politics and seniority means in an appointment like this.
Det. Phil Fish: I got a feeling your going to make it,
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, don't be ridiculous. Carmichael... Whose Carmichael

Arnold: I never thought I would see the day when an American citizen can be brutally assaulted by one of those who was sworn to protect and serve.

Perlita: I'm leaving
Capt. Barney Miller: I understand
Perlita: And in case, I don't see you again. I would like to thank you for all your kindness, consideration and the nice letter
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't mention it

William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: The thing is, I already brought so much happiness and good cheer to the people of this city . It occured to me -- maybe it's only fair that I move on and bring my gift of sunshine to other people and other places
Andrew: Uh-huh !
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Where did you say your from ?
Andrew: Baltimore
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Oh.

Evelyn: [Barney offers her coffee] I can't drink coffee, I got a gall bladder I wouldn't wish on Marshal Tito! I'll take some tea though.

Mr. Dozier: Would you like a cup of coffee ?
Det. Ron Harris: No Thanks. I, uh, I drink tea.
Mr. Dozier: Let me fix you some.
Det. Ron Harris: No, come on.
Mr. Dozier: Oh, no, no, no. It's all right really. It's okay. Be good practice. In case I get the $170 for bartender school. uh, care for a twist ?
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, sure.
Mr. Dozier: Bottoms up.
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah.
Mr. Dozier: Look, uh... I want to apologize. My problems have nothing to do with you and I have no right to burden you with them just because your rich and famous.
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, that's -- that's okay.
Mr. Dozier: It's just that sometimes I think my existence is so worthless I wonder what's the point of going on with it. Enjoy.

Capt. Barney Miller: Harris and Dietrich check in yet.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They haven't called in yet

Capt. Barney Miller: [attempting to explain the importance of differences between Wojo and Harris] Woj, it's uh... it's like a 'Polish joke'.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, if somebody came up to you and said, um... "How many Poles does it take to make popcorn?" you wouldn't appreciate it, would you?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No.
Capt. Barney Miller: And I could understand that, but I could never feel what you're feeling, because I'm not Polish.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Capt. Barney Miller: I could understand it, but that's as close as I can get.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, yeah, all right. Thanks, Barn.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [heads for the door, then turns back to Barney] How many does it take?
Capt. Barney Miller: Woj, I don't know, I never even thought...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's all right; I'm just curious.
Capt. Barney Miller: Five.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Five?
Capt. Barney Miller: Look Wojo, I said I didn't want to, you know - One to hold the pan, and four to shake the stove.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's stupid!
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, of course it is!
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All you got to do is move the pan around on the fire a little bit.

Neil: Marvin ,you reconciled...
Marvin: I don't like it in here.
Neil: I could have gotten you off.
Marvin: I am off.
Neil: So what, where is the commitment to principle where is the standing up for one's own rights where is the dignity.
Marvin: Am I paying you by the hour ?
Neil: Of course
Marvin: Then get off the clock.

Det. Phil Fish: [talking about Kelly] He was probably snooping around into our personnel files and came up with something really big.
Capt. Barney Miller: Like what?
Det. Phil Fish: Like the fact that I cheated on my income tax.
Capt. Barney Miller: When was that?
Det. Phil Fish: About nine, ten years ago. I went to a police convention in San Francisco, and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There's nothing illegal about that.
Det. Phil Fish: Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.
Capt. Barney Miller: Did the I.R.S. find out about it?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, they disallowed it and they took it out the next year.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, if you're straight with the government, Kelly can't hurt you.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm not worried about Kelly, I'm worried about Bernice.

Det. Ron Harris: Barney, this is Doctor Engels, he is the head shrink at the hospital
Capt. Barney Miller: Harris
Det. Ron Harris: Oh... Hey, Barn. That's the way he refers to himself... huh!
Dr. Engels: Well, in an atmosphere such as ours, it helps to relax the patients. You see, humor is useful in treating neurosis, all kinds of neurosis as is medicine, as in environment...

Captain: I don't know. This whole bomb thing has me uneasy
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know what it is Barney. It's an animal instinct, that comes from years of experience on the job, a sort of awareness, you know ? You can't buy it, you got it.

Bruno: All that dumb stuff they do? They don't even say nothing?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mime is an acquired taste ?
Bruno: Hey, I like good comedy, you know ? Remember the "Three Stooges"?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, Slapstick ?
Bruno: That's great stuff.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Counterphobic responses to violence in humor
Bruno: Oh yeah
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Pain is funny.
Bruno: Really ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You want to feel a joke ?
Bruno: No, No, No, No, Thanks.

Capt. Barney Miller: Kogan, do me a favor. Get this stuff over to the lab. Get it analyzed. Send the report directly over to the hospital then call me.

Detective: Hey Fish, does it hurt when those stones come out?
Fish: It can't be too bad. The doctor says it's like giving birth.

Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Mitchell
Del: Can I leave now ?
Capt. Barney Miller: A few more questions ?
Del: In that case, I want my lawyer
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, your not going to need your lawyer
Del: Hey, look, it's his word against mine and that's what it comes down to . You think a judge is going to believe a dummy ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Aren't you being a little hard on yourself ?
Del: Is that all ?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's all
Det. Ron Harris: Hey Mitchell, use another kid like this and I'm going to be all over you. I mean, I' m going to go out of my to see to it that you stay within the law
Del: Hey Captain, your man here is threaten me with harassment
Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Harris, Harris did you say something ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hmm
Del: Oh ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, what about Tom ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Just see he gets home okay
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right. Come on Tom !

Rhonda: My old man took me to ball game once when I was a kid. I think we saw the Mets and the Cubs.
Wojo: Oh yeah, that's always a good game.
Rhonda: He got me a little pennant, a hot dog and a beer. We had really great seats.
Wojo: Sounds like your dad was a nice guy.
Rhonda: He was a mugger. Some guy he rolled had season tickets. Halfway through the game, a cop showed up. Dragged us both out of there.
Wojo: Oh.
Rhonda: Wanna hear about the puppy I got for Christmas?

Det. Ron Harris: You know you can have money to burn, fame, success, personal and sexual fulfillment, but if you haven't got your health, you've got nothing

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Fish, Fish, listen -- In the event a prisoner is being extradited from the county of one state to the county of another state and such extradition papers have been presented to the police officer in charge of the extradition. When the prisoner is delivered in the county of the second state , signed for and released by the receiving police officer, is it necessary for the extraditing police officer to file in the county of the first state, copies of the extradition paper that have been given to the police officer in the county of the second state ?
Det. Phil Fish: Good Morning

Capt. Barney Miller: We had a report that an officer from the 12th precinct used questionable language to an officer from Manhattan South
Det. Janice Wentworth: No... Yeah, there was a discussion took place ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What was said.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Before I could read this goon his rights, these two guys from Manhattan South start taking over. "Thanks a lot girlie" one of them says to me, which I replied "Sir, that's my collar, Wentworth, 12th Precinct". Which he ignores, so I replied again
Capt. Barney Miller: In questionable language ?
Det. Janice Wentworth: No it wasn't questionable, he knew exactly what it meant

Det. Ron Harris: [about his genealogy report] They didn't go back far enough, they stopped at my great, great grandfather, Ezekiel Harris.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh? Was he a slave?
Det. Ron Harris: [disappointed] No, he owned a liquor store in Cleveland.

Det. Ron Harris: There's an article here all about Nick
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey, Barney, you don't think my gambling is compulsive, do you ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Compulsive ? I don't know that I would say that. But, you spend an inordinate amount of time on that stuff, you know. So much so one might think that more substantial matters might suffer for a lack of attention.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: See?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, man . It's all here. I mean, it all goes back to a negative self-image and deep-seated guilt feelings. You know, you do it to punish yourself and to play out your masochistic tendencies
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'm not the only compulsive one around here, you know ?
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, yeah ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I've been trying to remember the last time I didn't see one of those roman candles sticking out of your mouth.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh hey man. I just smoke because I enjoy it.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure ?
Det. Ron Harris: I just happen to be one of those people who looks good with a cigarette
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Harris, I'll bet you a month of night duty, that I can quit gambling easier than you can quit smoking
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, man, you got to be kidding.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Japanese have got a lot of willpower. We eat raw fish
Det. Ron Harris: You like it.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No we don't
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look man. I mean, personal discipline is my middle name
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: All right. As of now, I quit gambling
Det. Ron Harris: Your on. As of this moment, I quit smoking

Arnold: I am just waiting to interview Mr. Hackett, and get a sworn affidavit.
Det. Ron Harris: Look, you don't need any affidavits, I hit you, and I'll testify to that. As a matter of fact, if you want , I'll stand up in court and hit you again.
Arnold: That won't be necessary.
Det. Ron Harris: In fact, why wait for any trials? Why don't I just give it to you all now? The watch, the rings,
[points to his teeth]
Det. Ron Harris: I got some gold back here.
Arnold: [mortified] What's the matter with you, man? Where's your dignity?
Det. Ron Harris: But I want you to know this going into it, what you see is what I got, so you can forget about hitting another big jackpot, because buddy, you ain't getting a cent this time!
Arnold: I didn't get a cent last time!
Det. Ron Harris: What?
Arnold: Oh sure, I won a big settlement, minus court costs, minus attorney fees, you know what a great attorney costs? They got the cash, I got the bric-a-brac.
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah?
Arnold: What do you think I'm doing back here scrounging around for clients? I took it in the SHORTS, Buster!
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah!
[laughs]
Arnold: You have a very disturbed sense of humor.
[Harris laughs even harder]

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, Barney do you have anything to read? The P.A.L., took away all the magazines
Capt. Barney Miller: Here you are, the Auxiliary Uniform Crime Report from the FBI

Gordon: Look son, I understand you had a difficult, deprived, and traumatic childhood, but one more smutty crack like that, and I am going to shove a tent-stake up...
Capt. Barney Miller: Problem, Mr Lynch ?
Gordon: Oh no, no problem
Capt. Barney Miller: Nah !... We just chatting
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, If you sign the complaint, you can be on your way
Gordon: Fine, What about him ?
Gilbert: Oh man, don't worry about me, I'll be out of here by the weekend.
Gordon: Oh yeah, well, me and the Beaver Patrol are heading on up to Seneca Lake, Friday Night, are you interested ?
Gilbert: Nah man, I doubt it.
Gordon: Suit yourself
Gilbert: But, if it will make you feel any better, why don't you leave your number with him.
[Him - in reference to Harris]
Gordon: Good Scout... I don't know if I really...
Det. Ron Harris: He will be out in 48 hours
Gordon: Good Scout

Captain: [Koepeknie howls] What the hell is that?
Det. Ron Harris: It's Koepeknie, Barney, he's a werewolf.
Yemana: [Koepeknie howls again] I better put some papers down in the cage.

Inspector: Damn ice cream melted! My trunk smells like it's been full of babies!

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Jeffers, I was just talking to some of the reporters downstairs, they tell me, you spent 30 years in jail for stealing one automobile
Charlie: It was one hell of a car
Capt. Barney Miller: One to five grand larceny auto and twenty five years accumulated escape time
Charlie: Compound Interest you might call it

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, television station's on the phone. They want to know if they can come down here and get pictures and interview with Jeffers
Capt. Barney Miller: Boy, news travel fast, you tell them, they have to have permission from the Public Information Office of the Police Department and Attorney General's Office in Albany

Inspector: Inspector Luger is back ,and the 12th precinct's got him. Aha Whose the buddy can you spare a dimer
Det. Ron Harris: Inspector Luger, What a pleasant surprise
Inspector: Same to you, Har?
Inspector: Hey, I read your book
Det. Ron Harris: Oh ?
Inspector: Yeah,I see the where old inspector popped up in there a couple of times, yeah
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, Right...
Inspector: You know though Har, it seems to me I come off a couple of time as being a little weirdo.A bit of an oddball.
Det. Ron Harris: Editorial License
Inspector: Aha... Whose the buddy can you spare a dimer.

Roland: We are finished as a culture. Do you know that. Where courage is a sickness, and imagination is a crime, culture is dead ! The minute we start spitting on pioneers, we had it ! Be careful with those wings, they are going to the Smithsonian.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, hold on a second. I don't believe it, that's Florida again.
Capt. Barney Miller: For me or for Fish ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's for Kelly
Detective: Well.. you see Barney, yesterday, I put out a few feelers. Can I take it in your office, Barney?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's what it's for ?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's Human Nature - Sure, People often find themselves riveted by unsavory events they would ordinarily find abhorrent - the scene of a bloody accident, the execution of a violent crime...

Capt. Barney Miller: What can I do for you Mr. Norrell ?
Jack: I just want to take a look around, you know, in case I decide to buy the place.

Raymond: Anyway, In light of the fact that the Sergeant took it upon himself to remove himself from the proceedings, I feel I am compelled to consider this inquiry closed for now.

Capt. Barney Miller: First the department got to take it under advisement with the commissioner, whose out taking a late lunch with the DA, whose wishing to god the damn judge would come to some accomodation with my attorney, who keeps telling me to be patient.

Elizabeth: I have a "something's rotten in Denmark" feeling... Would you consider not going to work today, and taking me for a drive in the country?
Barney: Liz, you heard the radio - shootings, bombings; it's my busy season.

Capt. Barney Miller: According to these gentlemen, they were janked out of jail, put on a bus, and dumped in the middle of Manhattan.
Gordon: Ah, ah, that's true, that's true, but not entirely accurate. Could we talk somewhere in private ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know, I know the guy's a fruitcake, but I can't help feeling like I'm betraying him.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Listen, don't let it get to you. You're just doing your job.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: My job?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'm gonna go wash my hands.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There's certainly precedent for it.

Brad: The problem is a gradual erosion of respect for the free enterprise system and consequently the increasing attacks on the corporate entities that are the backbone of that system
[Harris laughs]
Capt. Barney Miller: I would say that is out of our jurisdiction
Brad: Okay, how about vandalism and theft, offices ransacked, files rifled
Capt. Barney Miller: That's more like it.
Brad: I was giving a broader overall picture... bringing in the social implications from a jurisprudence point of view

Sgt. Lake,: And now -- tomorrow -- I have to lock these heels and face my C.O. and tell them one of my troop was found in a sleazy hotel with a strange man... a bottle of cheap gin on the night table. Soft music playing in the background, Bodies caressing each other... touching... fondling
Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant
Sgt. Lake,: Sweat... glistening until it drops off her dog tag... until that final moment of rapture.
Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant... she was picked up outside a deli. None of that happened.
Sgt. Lake,: Well, thank god for that
Det. Ron Harris: Barn, excuse me, James Seinbeck from the Commerce Department is here
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you, excuse me

Murray: [Murray's deli is reopening] I think you should also know that all prices have been raised a minimum of 83%.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There goes night racing.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [Bright] Hey, Bernice, Arthur again. Listen, Fish is out... Out there... with the people - doing what he does best - protecting, serving, policing - maybe having a few laughs along the way... Any message?

Det. Ron Harris: She also said that Mr. Shine hit her.
Capt. Barney Miller: Is that true, Mr. Shine?
Mr. Shine: Yes, yes I did. It was just another way of saying let go of the purse. What would you have done?
Capt. Barney Miller: I would've found another way of getting the money. Don't you have any friends?
Mr. Shine: I told you, I'm a stock broker.

Detective: Well, here I am back home again at the United Nations. "Bony Diaz" , Chano
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah. Yeah. How you doin' Kelly?
Detective: Ah, Benny, Benny. How are things up in your neighborhood
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh, much better, now that we're moving to Central Park West
Detective: Central Park West ? That's a pretty rich neighborhood? How can your people do that ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: It's a community thing, it's called revolution
Detective: Your putting me on !
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Only for a while

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: We'll find him... we always get our man

Det. Ron Harris: Suede and Leather Prices Going Up.
[Newspaper Headline]
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Harris, that's what I like about you: your priorities.

Mrs. Hanson: What do we got here ?
Mrs. Hanson: This is Mrs. Hanson, Barn. I stepped off the subway, onto the platform, and I see this guy rip off her purse and take off
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah, it was leather and it had a hand tool shoulder strap and little bronze buckles
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very tastetful

Inspector: You know, Nathan, it seems to me that you, uh, got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner, especially when dealing with the public,most of whom are freaks anyway.

Officer: What with my nebulous status to begin with and now...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Excuse me, uh, there is something out there I think you should know about
Capt. Barney Miller: Excuse me, Levitt.
Officer: It's okay, sir. I'll just here quietly and maintain my level of excellence.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth? Or, is he really going to try to make trouble?
Barney: I think Kelly is just a big mouth... who's really going to try to make trouble.
Yemana: He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

Capt. Barney Miller: [a grumpy Captain Miller approaches Harris' desk] What about you? How about my arrest reports for last month?
Det. Ron Harris: I'm working on them, Barney, but I got stuck on something.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, what?
Det. Ron Harris: [Turning to his typewriter] Well, this: "The suspect then turned on Officer Sloane and attacked him with..." I need a word that means "savage," but in a premeditated way.
Capt. Barney Miller: Use that.
Det. Ron Harris: [Shaking his head] Too awkward.
Capt. Barney Miller: [Frustrated] This is an arrest report, not a literary masterpiece, c'mon!
Det. Ron Harris: People downtown have come to expect something more when they see my name on a report.
Capt. Barney Miller: Forget your reputation - gimme the report!
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Barney, but I'm gonna use my psuedonym.

Capt. Barney Miller: I've already split my shifts, and everyone's working double duty. I need more help. Things happen in 100 degree weather. Tempers get short... I said "Tempers get short".

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I'd tell you. if nobody want that job, maybe I'll take it. I mean, if nobody appreciates the job we're doing what's the point of hangin' around.
Capt. Barney Miller: If you didn't expect so much, you wouldn't be so disappointed.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, I don't expect so much. All I would like is somebody to say thank you, just once in a while.
Capt. Barney Miller: Once in a while, someone says thank you
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I haven't heard it. You kidding... I got the garbage but not the flowers
Capt. Barney Miller: You've never heard of Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland ?
Det. Ron Harris: Whose Mrs .Lorraine Kirkland ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland, happens to love the police. I got a letter here from her, that I've been holding off, because I figured there would be a time when you would need a little morale booster. Okay, listen. To the men of the twelfth precinct. I am a widow 72 years of age. Two weeks ago, my apartment was burglarized and the gentlemen who were assigned to the case were courteous, efficient, and very concerned. Short time later the burglar was caught and my most precious personal mementos were returned. Thank God, there are men like you protecting people like me. Bless you all and thank you. Sincerely Yours Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland
Det. Ron Harris: When did we get that ?
Capt. Barney Miller: June 14, 1959
Det. Ron Harris: That was 16 years ago
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah. So she either 88, or we're alone again

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Numerology, right? That's the study of the occult significance of numbers and how they affect your life.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Dietrich, we're aware.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh, sure.
Capt. Barney Miller: Is that it?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah. 10-4.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [Wojo is filling out a report from an elderly homeless woman who was a victim of a mugging] I gotta know how old you are?
Mrs. Hirsch,: 61!
[Wojo hunts and pecks 61]
Mrs. Hirsch,: I turned 45 in 61.
[Wojo erases 61]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: 45 in 61.
[Wojo does some mental arithmetic, slowly... 45, 46...]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: 16 years, 16 and 45... That's 61!
Mrs. Hirsch,: Yep.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right.
[Wojo hunts and pecks 61, again]

Det. Ron Harris: [talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room, what's the matter with you guys? Turn the heat down! The humidity's murder up here! We can't even get the stamps to stick to the envelopes.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Wish I could say the same for my shorts.
Det. Ron Harris: [mocking Yemana's voice] Very well put.

William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: I suppose your wondering how I became a clown ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, actually, I... .
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Believe it or not, I was a claims adjuster for an insurance company, week in and week out filling out forms, measuring dents, having to talk with people who are basically very unhappy, just like me.
Capt. Barney Miller: I can imagine
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Then one morning, I woke up. I quit my job. I left my wife and three kids. And I became this -- Bingo, the clown who brings joy and laughter to a world hungry for both
Capt. Barney Miller: On behalf of the entire planet, Thank you.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, look at this, I got $325 from Fish, $524 from Wojo, $475 from Harris, $373 from Yemana, $ 950 from me, and $40 from Petty Cash. Now that all adds up to $2,686
Alan: 87
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He's right, thanks
Alan: Don't mention it
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Anyway, Barney, all we need $ 813 more, how about it, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: You really want to make this bust ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, this guy pushes to kids in school, man
Capt. Barney Miller: Alright, come on in, I'll give you a check.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Ha, Ha !, Fantastic, man !, I'll tell you what am going to do. I'm going to the bank and I'm going to cash these checks and I'm going to have your money back by midnight
Capt. Barney Miller: You better

Capt. Barney Miller: Nick , how did we fix the supplementary follow-up reports ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Their filed under 'S'... or 'F.U.'... or "R"
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Never Mind, never mind

Estelle: We're sorry about this Professor
Professor: Hey, wait a minute, Bobus and Kestner, Right ?
Estelle: Right
Professor: You know, the check the two of you gave me for tuition. It bounced.
Wilma: We thought you would be pleased.

Det. Ron Harris: Barn... This is Charles Dundee
Col. Charles Dundee: Colonel Dundee
Capt. Barney Miller: Colonel, are you presently in the Army ?
Col. Charles Dundee: Several. I take it, you are the Commanding Officer
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm Captain Miller, yes.
Det. Ron Harris: He's the main honcho over at Brookburn Enterprises.
Col. Charles Dundee: I'm the President and Supervising Officer of Worldwide Operations.
Det. Ron Harris: Got a room above a pizza joint over on 44th street
Col. Charles Dundee: We like to keep a low profile
Col. Charles Dundee: You also like to keep a couple of firearms.
Col. Charles Dundee: I got a right to secure my place of business

Arnold: What did you do to him?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Nothin'.
Arnold: You must have beaten him senseless.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He came that way.

George: If you don't mind, I'd rather you stayed...
Father: Who, me - why?
George: I'd like your absolution.
Father: [Raises hand] You got it!

Yemana: You don't believe that there is something up there that plans everything for all of us?
Dietrich: If you're referring to a single, all-powerful force that's guiding our destinies, I would have to say no.
Yemana: Well, I just don't happen to agree with you.

Det. Phil Fish: Barney, The guy in the building is an old man
Leonard K. Hauser: Old men can be dangerous
Det. Phil Fish: Thank you very much
Det. Phil Fish: Probably scared, and has no where else to go. I'd like to talk to him.
Leonard K. Hauser: It's a waste of time. I've threaten him till I'm blue in the face
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo has to go to court. Take some uniforms with you
Det. Phil Fish: Right
Leonard K. Hauser: Hey, why don't you lob one of those tear gas shells into the windows? I don't mind damage
Det. Phil Fish: Tear gas is no good Mr. Hauser
Det. Phil Fish: Why not ?
Det. Phil Fish: It aggravates my sinuses

Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah... good... very good... okay... Have them send a squad car and padlock that massage parlor... Wentworth got soliicited, she's bringing in a suspect
Det. Ron Harris: Oh wow ! We blew it and she pulls it off. How do you explain that ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Experience

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey Chano, you know what your body's worth?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Huh ? I, among others, have a pretty good idea.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ninety-three dollars. That's what it says here the blood and chemicals come to.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, man, maybe that's what your body's worth. But, I mean, I got more than just blood and chemicals. I mean, there's wit, charm.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ninety-four dollars.

Officer: Mail Call gentleman
Officer: I'm not expecting anything
Officer: 12th Precinct, Levitt... Unless it's an emergency, I'm afraid your going to have to call back later. No Detectives are available at the moment... No Ma'am, I'm a Uniformed Officer not a Detective... It mostly politics... Not what you know,but who you know... It's a sad State of Affairs,I agrees... It wouldn't hurt to write a letter... Bye-Bye... Afternoon,Sir... Your Mail
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank You
Officer: Been here long?
Capt. Barney Miller: Long enough
Officer: Good

Officer: Its jackpot time... lunch for 2,000 junkies... Sir, we made entry to Mr. King's apartment.We found this in the bedroom closet. It looks to be high-grade heroin. Wojo, is out to trying to find Mr. King... I counted 57 packets of one approximately ounce each.
Det. Ron Harris: Wow - We're talking a street value of over $2,000,000

Det. Phil Fish: There are no palm trees, but it does have a certain charm.

Capt. Barney Miller: Just caught in the machinery, the victim of a perverse higher order that condemns me to sit here and rot while my lawyer tells me to be patient

Officer: Get out of my way, I got momentum.
Melvin: All, right, come on, Jackson, just keep moving
Melvin: Yeah, no big deal
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I know that
Capt. Barney Miller: What's going on ?
Det. Ron Harris: Barn, this is Melvin Jackson. We caught him four blocks about four blocks from the intersection carrying that thing in a shopping cart. He already admitted to stealing the other 15.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why ?
Det. Ron Harris: He sells them to junk dealers.
Melvin: They give me $12 a piece for them
Capt. Barney Miller: Really ?
Melvin: Hey, but this guy keeps on asking me questions like it has something to do with your sex life ? I mean, What can I get for $12 ?
Det. Ron Harris: Take a seat. Right over there.
Melvin: Ain't no big thing
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. Right. Come on.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, fill out a report
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, after I'm through, I'm going to go back later and have a talk... with some of them
Capt. Barney Miller: Good, I'm sure they'll be glad to know that someone is taking an interest in them
Det. Phil Fish: They got my wallet

Yemana: Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.

Det. Ron Harris: I'll call the twinkie mobile
Capt. Barney Miller: Harris, watch those euphemisms, huh

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What year were you born?
Linda: Early '50s.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Can't you be more specific?
Linda: 1947.

Detective: Your a little out of shape, baby
Fish: "Baby," your Aunt Jemima. What am I ? -- a Lion Hunter ? My people are all in the restaurant business.

Laura: Of course, I have to find out about their genetic background. I have to make sure there is not history of insanity or disease
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That must really get'em in the mood
Laura: My child is entitled to the best father that I can find
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I need your address?
Laura: 734 West 23rd street
Laura: I'm not just looking for someone whose genetically acceptable. I'm also looking for someone with a degree of compassion, sensitivity, and perceptiveness. I think those things are passed along too.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, but it seems to me that going up to a bunch of guys is not a good way of finding someone like that.
Laura: Your very perceptive
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I just got lucky.

Sylvester: Hey, what about the money I paid for that stuff ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Why don't you consider it a donation to charity ? A gift to the church.
Sylvester: I'm an athetist
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sue him
Sylvester: Hey, I ain't that sure about it.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: When were you born?
Vincent: October 12th, 1948. I'll save you the arithmetic, I stopped wetting the bed in '66.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Nobody cares.
Vincent: Sure, *now*.

Harry: Goodbye, my Coney Island baby, so long to you my own true love, boom, boom, boom... Well, I did not want to disturb anyone... I'm going to sail away and leave you, never to return, so you can a distant... So long, my Coney Island, Goodbye, my Coney Island...

Officer: Okay, Wojociehowicz, time for muster?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [rubbing fingernails] Its a form of acupressure. Your fingernails are a vital pressure points. Rubbing them promotes hair growth, cures insomnia,and improves sexual potency.

Inspector: Hey Wojo, did you vote yet ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yes sir
Inspector: Did you vote yet ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure did Inspector.
Inspector: Good... Good. Probably voted for Jake Scofield, right ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No I didn't vote for him
Inspector: Shame on you Wojciehowicz, he's just the man the city deserves. We haven't had a candidate like Jake Scofield since the days of., uh... did you ever hear of Tamanny Hall ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They were a bunch of crooks
Inspector: Where did you get that ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: School
Inspector: Consider the source

Louise: Qualified maybe... special... I'm not so sure

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How is it Mrs. Hanson ?
Mrs. Hanson: It tastes like pencils
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's not the coffee, it's the cup

Det. Ron Harris: So look, had she not lunged and averted the barrel of the weapon Koppele would have been a dead man...
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hmm...
Det. Ron Harris: The bullet meant for the union leader exploded harmlessly into the ether. This reporter wishes to add his commendation to those already proffered by other department personnel present at the scene
Lt. Ben Scanlon: What is that ?
Det. Ron Harris: To a Detective Janice Wentworth of the twelveth precinct. Her actions were in the finest traditions of the New York Police Department...
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Why is he saying that ?
Det. Ron Harris: Mr. Koppele himself is expected to host a reception for Detective Wentworth at his home sometime in the near future. Congratulations, Detective Wentworth from your comrades-in-arms
Lt. Ben Scanlon: What is that ?
Det. Ron Harris: It's my column for the Police Department newsletter "the Sentinel of Truth". We're waiting to go to press now
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Oh yeah ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah ! Well, I mean fortunately, you know being here at the twelfth, I just happened to get a scoop.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Yeah, well, that happened to be my detail. I'm Scanlon from Manhattan South
Det. Ron Harris: Scanlon ?... Scanlon?... Scanlon?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Lieutenant Scanlon... I was in charge
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, wow, you don't seem to be mentioned here
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Also, that's not the way the official record reads, you know
Det. Ron Harris: Oh no, What a shame ? Wow, it seems like there may be a few questions ask, huh ?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: What is this ?
Capt. Barney Miller: It's called Freedom of the Press
Lt. Ben Scanlon: It's also called extortion
Capt. Barney Miller: Semantics. See you around Scanlon
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Okay... okay, so we don't muddy up the record, hmm. Wedgewood gets a mention
Det. Janice Wentworth: Wentworth
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Sure, Wentworth, yeah. you get a mention in the report
Capt. Barney Miller: Commendation
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Big deal. Certain new facts have come to light, huh ? You get a recommend for a commendation
Det. Janice Wentworth: Thank you very much
Lt. Ben Scanlon: You ever get down to Manhattan South again, well there's a dinner in it for you too. Huh, how about that ?
Det. Janice Wentworth: No thanks, I don't fool around

Capt. Barney Miller: You want to take care of that stuff ?
Officer: Certainly, I'll put it in lockup
Officer: Contact the Narcotics Task Force, tell them we'll keep them apprised

Charles: The occasional phone call wouldn't hurt.
Barney: Your absolutely right. Is that... uh ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Charles Hackman, the voice of experience.

Barney: David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house - how come you always play with the gun?
Davey: You play with a gun.
Barney: That's my job.
Davey: Freddy's dad doesn't play with a gun.
Barney: His dad's a janitor, he plays with a mop.

Capt. Barney Miller: I just... I just want you to know that , If I came down hard on you, It's only because I guess we come down hardest on the people we care the most about.

Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, Dorsey. Yeah.We got a bit of a problem here, sit down.
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: In regard to what?
Capt. Barney Miller: In regard to your attitude toward us and our rapidly deteriorating attitude to you
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: I see
Capt. Barney Miller: I thought we had cleared things up , but obviously not considering you last remark about the heroin.
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: What heroin?
Capt. Barney Miller: The heroin that was sitting right over there... That's gone now.
Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Oh that heroin.
Capt. Barney Miller: That heroin is in the lockup right now where it will remain until it is needed in court after which it will be disposed of according to official police procedures.

Officer: I realize that, but in that uniform, you do inspire a degree of rabid obedience

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, her name is Madeline Schaefer. She was soliciting at one of those bus shelters.
Capt. Barney Miller: In this weather? I don't believe we've had the pleasure of your company. Are you new to this precinct?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: She didn't hear that. She's deaf.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, I'm sorry.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: She didn't hear that either.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You want me to mime her her rights?

Bernice: Why kind of massage can you get at the Garden of Eden ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you kidding, we busted that place three times already .

Det. Phil Fish: I'm not going to take you anywhere on Saturday. I'm going to stay home and watch the ball game. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday
Det. Ron Harris: Twelfth precinct, Harris... Uh, sure, yes, h--hang on a minute... Fish... line 2, it's Bernice
Det. Phil Fish: Hang on, Jilly. Hello, Bernice. Yeah? No, I don't want to go. I'm going to stay in in bed. Because I had a tough week and I had a crazy woman on my hands yesterday

Lt. Ben Scanlon: Having a little Bon Voyage party
Det. Ron Harris: Aha, you brought your party hat.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, what brings you down Lieutenant?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: I know it's your last day. I just thought, I'd drop by and share a few memories with you guys... .Bowling ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Why not ? What can i do for you Scanlon?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Hey, I'm not a exactly a stranger, around here, you know -- I mean, I'm always dropping in , snooping around trying to get you guys on improper conduct, insubordination, moral turpitude, corruption. Hey, we had a lot of good times together, huh !
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm really gone to miss them, Scanlon.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Yeah, sure. Hey, don't let me intrude.
Capt. Barney Miller: Certainly not
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Anyway... I guess I'll just head back downtown
Capt. Barney Miller: Nice of you to drop in.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Oh, before I forget to mention it... . My hardiest congratulations on making Deputy Inspector
Capt. Barney Miller: What?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: You didn't know?
Capt. Barney Miller: No I didn't.
[Barney is congratulated by the farewell party]
Lt. Ben Scanlon: And I had to be the one to tell him

Det. Ron Harris: It's funny. All these years, I spent money on custom tailoring, the latest fashions... turns out I look good in anything.

Det. Ron Harris: Ah, Barney, we got problems
Capt. Barney Miller: What ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, none of the victims... gonna sign the complaints against Brenner
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh... Wonderful. Five minutes ago, they we're screaming for his blood
Det. Ron Harris: They say they don't want to get any more involved

Inspector: Harris. Good Morning Barney
Capt. Barney Miller: How are you ?
Inspector: Hi, Yemana, Fish... Wojo... Where's Amenguale ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Took a couple of days off .
Inspector: Oh, good... good... good... I just as glad he's not here anyway Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why, what's the matter ?
Inspector: Amenguale is not going to get the Medal of Valor for April, they're giving it to someone else
Capt. Barney Miller: It's going to tear him apart .
Inspector: That's what it's doing to me Barney. There going to give some cop in another division for pulling two kids out of a burning building... and a dog. How do like them apples? They said they didn't want to make a big deal of a cop killing two hoodlums.
Capt. Barney Miller: I know how you feel.
Inspector: Thank's Barney. Look, look... tell... tell, Amenguale, not to feel to bad about it. You know, if he's lucky, he'll probably get another shot at it. Hey, pardon the pun, huh. Ain't like the old days Barney. In the old days, old racket squad, they use to have respect for cops in the those days. Me and Forrester... Kleiner and Brown. Anybody, want to go down to the candy store, get a Charlotte Russe ?

Alan: I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Want a home-made brownie?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Did you make 'em?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Okay.

Inspector: Afternoon, men. Hi Woj. Hi Ron. Hi Barney. I just got word down at headquarters -- that stickup at the Hamilton Bank. It says two hoodlums were killed in the attempt -- is that about it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: It was unavoidable. They were heavily armed. They had hostages. Chano had no choice
Inspector: No, huh ? Eh... Well, Chano, so you went in. You did what you had to do, huh? Don't worry I know how you feel. Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off ? Go see a moving picture.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh...
Inspector: Yeah, sure. That's what I used to do.I'd go to Radio City Music Hall see a good movie, good stage show -- you know, them Rockettes with the legs
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Inspector, maybe I just better stick around here working
Inspector: Well, some of the guys like to do it that way, yeah. You know, they like to get right back in there again before freeze up. You do whatever feels right, Whatever works for you. Some of them Rockettes have been there 30,40 years at the music hall. Not the same ones, of course, you know. They have to replace them from time to time. The legs-- the legs that goes on them first
Inspector: Yeah, I know
Inspector: Chano, I want to tell you, you did a hell of a swell job. Incidentally, if it's going to make you feel any better, you'll probably get a medal for it. I'm going to put you up myself personally.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: A medal ? Hear that Barney. Left here this morning , I was nobody. Two shot later I'm going to get a medal. You here that guys. No sense staying around here, huh? May as well go to Radio City Music Hall, maybe pick up a few Rockettes, a bottle of champagne and celebrate. A medal, huh? How do you like that ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, I'm ready. Uh... we're not getting split up. I mean, we're -- we're going to different places and -- and we may not see each other again. But, I think each of us got something special from each other. And we are nurture it and we are going to carry it with us for the rest of our lives.
Det. Ron Harris: God, he is so much improved.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: My yes

Capt. Barney Miller: Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! Wait a minute ! What killed Fred ?
Det. Phil Fish: Coroner said natural causes, you know, aggravation. Sit down !
Jilly: I'm not going back to Children's Center !
Det. Phil Fish: Take it easy.
Jilly: I hate it ! I don't want to live where you get pushed around and the food stinks !
Det. Phil Fish: If I can take it, you can take it !

Dr. Matthew Kramer: Sergeant, I want you to return with me now...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hyo Silver!
Dr. Matthew Kramer: Sergeant, there is a book in front of you open to the last page do you see it - You'll begin leafing back through the book, as you do, the hours will slip away, when you have arrived at 8:45 last night ,stop and open your eyes, still in a deep hypnotic state, Begin sergeant. What time is it? - Where are you now ?- Are you going to answer it? - You have taken a call now what happens?

Inspector: Hey, Wojo! I got a great new Polack joke for you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wonderful.
[covers his ears]
Inspector: You heard.
[Wojo nods]

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [noticing his sandwich] Look what I found. There's a dead fly in my sandwich. Right in the middle of my egg salad.
Capt. Barney Miller: You sure it's a fly?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It's a little piece of olive.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Since when do olives have wings?
Det. Phil Fish: When they die and go to heaven.

Darryl: Captain, we just wanted to stop by, and say thanks to all of you for what you done not just for Marty and myself but for the whole neighborhood.

Det. Phil Fish: [Fish had to walk up the stairs to the precinct] Ten years ago, I said, "Put an elevator in this building." Five years ago, I said it again. Last year, I even offered to pay for it.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Have you seen my legs?
[holds arms out]
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They're this long. They've got 10 toes, one of them's busted.

Capt. Barney Miller: Alright. I'll see what I can do ? I won't book, but I am going to have to hold you... Just a police expression.Harris, hold that RAP sheet on Marty, we're going to negotiate a settlement out of court
Det. Ron Harris: Keep him on ice
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, Temporarily

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego, I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.
Puerto: Me, too.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I came here, I worked very hard, I learned to speak English.
Puerto: Me, too.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: And today, I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.
Puerto: Me, too!

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, ah, Mr. Fletcher said he was mugged by a little old lady
Capt. Barney Miller: You don't believe it
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You kidding? The way he way he worked over? It had to be a guy dressed as an old lady
Det. Ron Harris: Well, there's a lot of creeps who that work that way
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay , go into the files see what you can find on somebody who uses that MO
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right
Capt. Barney Miller: But... uh, we don't pass up any opportunities, especially the eyewitness account of a victim. So, let's see what we have on older woman with a history of violent behavior
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh...
Capt. Barney Miller: We may get an I.D. out of it

Capt. Barney Miller: Harris is captain of security.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah? Well whoopity-doopity-doo.
Det. Ron Harris: You know, I expected you to say something like. However, the number of syllables did surprise me
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, how come your working two jobs, anyway Harris?
Det. Ron Harris: Orchestra seats, nice clothes, fine wine. I mean, it's called living the full life.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, I'm satisfied. I go bowling. I have a few beers. That's a full life.
Det. Ron Harris: That's gusto.

Miss: Ah sure, it was all going to be different. You were going to tell your wife. Everything was going to be aboveboard. No more hiding me . No more sneaking around. No more meeting in dark bars.

Det. Ron Harris: Barn, this is Edmund Lasky, he stuck up a market at 26th and Lexington, patrol car caught up with him trying to get through the rear door at Lincoln Jail
Capt. Barney Miller: Lincoln Jail
Edmund: That's where I live.
Det. Ron Harris: You see, Mr. Lasky is serving a 15 month sentence for burglary, but he's also on a work release program. He gets out from 2 to 4 to attend classes at City College.
Edmund: I'm taking Computer Programming and Ethics
Capt. Barney Miller: Obviously, you missed a few sessions
Edmund: Well,It's tough juggling school and a career
Det. Ron Harris: You want to take a seat over here please
Edmund: Can we speed this up, I'm suppose to be back in my cell at 5
Det. Ron Harris: We'll do what we can.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay , Mr. Cooper, you are entitled to a phone call, do you want to talk to somebody
Lyman Cooper: Sure, do you know anybody that delivers ?

Elizabeth: I don't think you should go to work today.
Barney: Ah, a little brown in the air never bothered me yet.
Elizabeth: ...I think you should resign from the police force today. I think you should go to Montana, and buy a chicken farm today.
Barney: I don't like chickens.
Elizabeth: You don't know chickens. You've only seen them frozen, with pimples - and wrapped in plastic. You've never seen them cute and lively, with their fur on.
Barney: Fur?
Elizabeth: You'd be crazy about Montana.
Barney: You really hate it, I'm a cop.
Elizabeth: Yes.
Elizabeth: Don't beat around the bush.
Elizabeth: Are you aware of the fact that somebody tried to break in here last night?
Barney: How do you know?
Elizabeth: Because there's a clean spot on the window.
Barney: They must not have wanted to get in very badly. If they really wanted to break in, the bars on that window wouldn't have stopped them.
Elizabeth: Then what did we put them up for?
Barney: Don't you remember? I made a promise when we got married. I said I would do everything I could to make you happy. You wanted bars? I gave you bars.
Elizabeth: I'm very grateful. I love my bars.
Barney: Are you aware that statistics show that there is more crime in the streets than in the home?
Elizabeth: There's more room in the streets.

Phillip: Harriet, the opportunities are incredible. Listen, a few years ago, few years ago, a band of mercs captured an island off Africa. They owned the whole country, and lived like kings.
Harriet: Oh, Phil, if something happens over there that solves your problems but I still have the rest of my life to get through
Phillip: But, Harriet, I can do something. I can affect something.
Harriet: But Phil, I need you here, not 5000 miles away. Phil... I want you here
Phillip: Well, alright, maybe I don't have to go to Africa. Maybe I can go the Caribbean or South America or Mexico City
Harriet: What are you gonna do, commute?
Harriet: I want you here... I need you
Phillip: Don't do that Harriet.
Harriet: What ?
Phillip: Turn me on ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where the hell were you ? We called every hospital in the city
Det. Phil Fish: I didn't go to the hospital. I had a little oxygen in the ambulance and felt okay So, I asked them to let me out.
Capt. Barney Miller: What are you talking about ? No ambulance would let you out on the street
Det. Phil Fish: The gun helped. Then I took the subway

Captain: [to Harris, who is stoned on hashish brownies] I want you to go home until you feel better.
Detective: [grinning] Hey, I'll go home... but I ain't never gonna feel better!
Captain: And I don't want you driving a car; take the bus.
Detective: Okay... wait. If I can't drive a car...
[laughing]
Detective: I better not try to drive a BUS!

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You voiced some legitimate concerns... Sure, any large organization of powerful people, even if it's not conspiratorial is open to excess and abuse.

Tom: [picks up Wojo's baseball] Do you have a little boy?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [takes the ball back] Uh no, I don't have any kids.

Radio: This is 113 on your FM Dial at 7:30. Now in local news, and items of interest from around the world. Two banks on Wall Street were destroyed by explosion in the early hours of the morning. A new garbage strike looms on the horizon and street gangs here have claimed the lives of two additional victims. Three Japanese terrorists have hijacked an Italian airliner and in retaliation three Italian terrorists have blown up Japanese restaurant And now an item from the world of entertainment, three people were slain in a theater last night during the first-act-intermission robbery attempt; Now, once again, your musical interlude, this is 113 on your FM dial, on the 101st Floor of the Empire State Building, have a good day.

Det. Phil Fish: [opens his present] What is it?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's a New York City municipal bond.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Oh my God.
Det. Phil Fish: A New York City municipal bond?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah. Hey, it's worth a thousand dollars when it matures.
Det. Phil Fish: If it matures... in 1997... I would have been 83.

Det. Ron Harris: He did what ? What did he tell you about the lady in the penthouse. Look, she asked me to check on a prowler, and then got mad because I wouldn't move in.
Capt. Barney Miller: Steady Harris
Det. Ron Harris: No... No... That's what she wanted me to do
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, we will talk about it in my office
Det. Ron Harris: I was doing a damn good job
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They literally could not fit you around your schedule
Det. Ron Harris: My schedule
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, you know what he can do with my schedule
Capt. Barney Miller: We'll explore all the possibilities

Inspector: That's fine with me too. You want take that attitude, why don't you ooze on back to Luzon. I'll mail-order out for another one of you.
Capt. Barney Miller: I think I'll pass Inspector
Inspector: Fine, I'll eat alone. Use to it. I'll like it.
Det. Ron Harris: This day is shaping up nicely.

Arnold: Hello Harris, I got here as fast as I could
Det. Ron Harris: Anybody call Arnold Ripner Counselor-at-Law. Nice try, Arnold, sorry.
Arnold: Don't give me that. We can't all be in Rockefeller Center. Some of us prefer to practice our profession at the grass-roots level, within reach of the little man
Det. Ron Harris: Your a regular Williams Jennings Bryant, aren't you !
Arnold: Your damn right. Arnold Ripner, Ripner and Associates. And you ?
Lyle W. Farber: I don't need a lawyer .
Arnold: What do you know ?
Lyle W. Farber: I didn't do nothing.
Arnold: Don't give me principles. You want to get off.
Det. Ron Harris: Come on Arnold, stop soliciting, huh ?
Det. Ron Harris: Live and let live, will you Harris?
Arnold: Nick ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah ?
Arnold: What did he do ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Don't ask me, he's Wojo collar
Arnold: How do you do, Ripner and Associates ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ah... .Ah... Ah... Ah... Victim
Arnold: Take a card, in case your thinking of revenge

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What you gotta do is develop an Oriental philosophy. Like my grandfather used to say: Many things look bleak at the moment of occurrence - but at least we ain't got locusts.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Full name?
William: William Wood Klein.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Klein... E.I.?
William: E.I.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh.

Det. Phil Fish: Tell me the truth - all kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?
Morton: Absolutely.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm just curious... What's it like?
Morton: It's heaven.
Det. Phil Fish: So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is, uh...?
Morton: Philadelphia.

Capt. Barney Miller: Hello Callahan , what do we got today ?
Officer: Ah, the usual... the usual. We got your bulletins, we got your hot sheets. So that's the way it is, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What way is that ?
Officer: I mean, we're all sitting ducks , trapped here on the island
Capt. Barney Miller: It's better than the South Bronx

Det. Ron Harris: Well, he's dead
Det. Phil Fish: What ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo ?
Det. Ron Harris: No, Schuster ? I let a few rumors sneak out, it's right here on the second page. Check it out.
Det. Phil Fish: You !...
Capt. Barney Miller: An unconfirmed rumor from an undisclosed source, Alan Schuster state witness scheduled to appear today before the crime commission, went to a Eastside Hospital... critical condition... overdose... undisclosed... died this morning at 5:15 AM... .Perfect... Sorry to see you go , Mr. Schuster
Alan: Did they say anything nice about me ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Not really.
Yemana: Of course, they don't know you like we do
Capt. Barney Miller: How's Wojo ?
Det. Ron Harris: Sick as a dog ? But he's going to be okay. The doctor said a dude with an ordinary constitution would have cashed it in.
Yemana: He could eat a desk
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, Mr. Schuster get ready to travel. Harris, you and Fish take him over to City Hall, and turn him over to the Crime Commission
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Schuster. Oh, no handcuffs. You'll ride in the back with me. Try to act as if your just another one of the detectives in this squad.
Alan: How do I do that ?
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, just look at me with admiration and respect

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, How you doing Barney? Hi, guys.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey Chano, did you make the bust ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, sure, made it nice and easy. Nothing to it. Got him with all the stuff.
Det. Phil Fish: Very good. Where's my money?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Uh... I ain't got it.
Yemana: You ain't got it. What do you mean, you ain't got it?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale,32751: Quick--someone take my gun away .
Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, I walked into the place, right, met the contact, I gave him the money, he gave me the stuff. I pull out my piece and say "Okay,freeze, hands in the air." And all of a sudden from behind me, I hear someone else say "Freeze, hands in the air"
Det. Ron Harris: You got ripped-off ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, by the FBI.
Capt. Barney Miller,32751: FBI ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, the FBI, you know the guys with the ties.They had their own bust going. What am I...?... going... They kept... They confiscated the money as evidence... .Well
Yemana: For crying out loud, I could have lost that money at the track myself. I didn't need your help.
Capt. Barney Miller: Alright... Alright... .Take it easy... Take it easy. We'll all get our money back
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: In 5 or 6 months
Yemana: wait till wojo hears about it, he's not going to be happy about pulling through
Det. Ron Harris: You can give me a note for my tailor
Alan: Look, if you, uh... if you don't get the money back, I know a way to take it off your taxes
Capt. Barney Miller: Thanks Mr. Schuster, but no thanks

Phillip: You know what happens in prison, Harriet? Homosexual rape!
Harriet: That's your privilege.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Don't play games with me, Barn.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's gonna happen to this city if the police go out of business?
Det. Phil Fish: Crime will run rampant, there'll be chaos in the streets, people will live in fear behind locked doors and it'll be every man for himself.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's the way it is now.
Capt. Barney Miller: It can't get any worse, let's try and make it a little better while we still have the time.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's what they said to the maids on the Titanic.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [feeling effects of the brownies] Look. See you dunk 'em and they get nice and mooshy. Good word mooshy. Mooshy. Mooshy. Mooshy.

Murray: Who gets the pastrami with mayonnaise?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I do.
Murray: Figures. Who gets the corned beef with ketchup?
Capt. Barney Miller: Here.
Murray: You should know better.

Wojo: Be seein' ya, Marty.
Marty: Thanks for the warning... Arnold - talk about police brutality. Wait 'til I tell you what they gave me for lunch.

Det. Ron Harris: That was dispatch, silent alarm just went off... and 6 th

Roland: If I fall from valor, its my business
Det. Ron Harris: Unless you fall on someone else... Should I take him over to Bellevue ?
Capt. Barney Miller: No, have them pick him up , I can't spare the man

Truman Jackson: Hey, brother. let me go
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, I can't do that. I mean, you broke the law. And now, it's my duty to inform you that anything you say can be held against you
Truman Jackson: You ain't no brother.
Det. Ron Harris: That too. Sit down.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If Kelly is after my badge, I'd rather turn it in than put the arm on me. So, I'm going down to Internal Affairs

Officer: Captain, I haven't seen Wojciehowicz yet. What do I with my strength reports here.
Capt. Barney Miller: Do whatever you have to?
Officer: Bury it
Capt. Barney Miller: No, don't bury it. Fill it out, honestly, truthfully, exactly as it happens, is that clear?
Officer: God, I hope so , sir

Det. Ron Harris: I guess it's true what they say, you know. That if one loses one of the senses, that the remaining senses are sharper and more perceptive.
Leon: Sure does, like I can tell from the sound of your voice. Your over 6 feet tall and your a chain smoker.
Det. Ron Harris: I don't smoke
Leon: Your a liar . Something else. Your very nervous
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How can you tell ?
Leon: By the way, he keeps tapping his foot on the floor, pulling at his collar, rapping his fingers on the desk
Det. Ron Harris: I'm not nervous. I'm rhythmic
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How do I feel ?
Leon: You ? Well, your cool and collected, got a lot of personal discipline, your very, very intelligent. Either that or Japanese

Leslie: Well, Goodbye Captain thank you for your time.
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry it didn't work out.
Leslie: Unfortunately, there will be other opportunities.
Capt. Barney Miller: Unfortunately.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yemana, you chase a suspect into a residence, you have no warrant for search and entry, but you know evidence is about to be destroyed inside. Do you hold off or do you go in and make an arrest and take a chance of violating a suspect's rights ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh... never mind... you don't... you don't have to paint pictures. I think I can fill it in for myself.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Not as good as I can tell it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Forget it,
Det. Janice Wentworth: I can tell you later when we're alone
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah

Truman Jackson: Please, man, isn't there any way I can get out of this mess ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, let's see now, you could, uh... throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Truman Jackson: That pretty lady ain't no witch.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah ?
Truman Jackson: And it's my stick ?
Capt. Barney Miller: And ?
Truman Jackson: I'm never gonna do nothing like that again
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay ! See, Judge Meanie said that if you confessed, I could let you go.
Truman Jackson: No Stuff ?
Capt. Barney Miller: No Stuff ! Harris, turn him loose.
Truman Jackson: Bye Little Richard . Sorry I can't have dinner with you.
Mayflower: That's all right Truman. Don't worry about it. Just remember what I told you ? Use your brains, and... a stick is uncool
Truman Jackson: ...A stick is uncool.
Det. Ron Harris: Truman... Officer Harris here is going to take you home. No handcuffs.

Leslie: There may be a difference of opinion in that.
Neil: A man may be charged with rape if the woman is adjudged to have been incapable of consent due to unsoundness of mind or lunacy.
Marvin: That's one for you Catherine.
Leslie: Obviously, this is a case of a woman who resisted and has been overcome by force.
Catherine: That's mine.
Neil: Or rape may be charged if the woman was unconscious of the nature of the act. Mr. Lindsey was she unconscious of the nature of the act.
Marvin: Usually.
Capt. Barney Miller: Ms. Dornan, do you really think the District Attorney's Office want's to make this this is a test case.
Leslie: Captain are you questioning my authority.
Capt. Barney Miller: Certainly not, its just I like to understand it better.
Neil: Ms.Dornan, face it you have no case even if you could prove that something happened anyone in your off would settle for the lesser charge of simple assault.
Leslie: Mr. Korchak, when I am through there won't be a woman in this country who won't be grateful that we did not bend to the pressure of convenience

Officer: Uh, sir, I might also mentioned that I gathered complete and comprehensive statements from all eyewitness, thereby fulfilling my obligations towards the department's new and stricter guidelines regarding the duty-related discharge of an Officer's firearms.
Capt. Barney Miller: Did you read Wojo his rights ?
Officer: Maybe ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt, that's the regulation.
Officer: Sir, from where I sit that particular aspect of the new directive just seems a little silly not to mention awkward.
Capt. Barney Miller: And I agree. However the regulation is quite clear. From the moment an Officer uses deadly force, he is subject to departmental investigation, and as such, until he is cleared of any wrongdoing he is entitled to the same rights, the same protections as any other...
Officer: Criminal ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank You Levitt.

Lyle W. Farber: I apologize.
Det. Phil Fish: That's okay.
Lyle W. Farber: I apologize to the entire world.
Det. Phil Fish: On behalf of the entire world, I accept your apology.

Jilly: You know, there are some woman, men can't never get out of their system
Det. Phil Fish: Maybe someday, they'll find a laxative.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hmm... I suppose the guys resent me for sitting at Wojo's desk.
Capt. Barney Miller: No... don't be silly.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I just have a feeling, in their minds, I'm like a vulture feeding in the carrion of a fallen comrade
Capt. Barney Miller: When you put it that way .
Capt. Barney Miller: Morning
Det. Ron Harris: Morning
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Morning, How you doing ? Good to see you ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't force...

Capt. Barney Miller: What I think Sergeant Wojciehowicz was trying to say was that if Miss Grant were not in the Army, we would be inclined to give her a Desk Appearance Ticket and send her home.
Sgt. Lake,: But the fact is Captain, she is in the Army and what she is trying to sell belongs to the United States government.
Capt. Barney Miller: I won't dispute that... I... .I just... I just hate to see a career ruined over one small mistake

Barney: Anybody seen Fish, its almost 3 o' clock.
Det. Ron Harris: He's probably still eating, you know how long it it takes him to chew.
Barney: Check with dispatch, see if he called in.
Det. Ron Harris: Okay

Capt. Barney Miller: Hopefully, Sergeant Wojciehowicz will remember on his own.

Capt. Barney Miller: You know, the first years were really the best. I mean, we really thought we would make a difference. We were out there everyday, busting our tails, me, Baxter, Crusen. My God, I'm starting to sound like Luger!
Det. Ron Harris: Don't worry. We caught it early.

Detective: [seeing a case, in which the explosive is contained] Hey, who belongs to this case?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It ain't mine.
Wojo: Fish, maybe.
Detective: Oh, yeah, it must be Fish's. It's too classy for you guys.
[Wojo gives Wilson a Bronx cheer]
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put.

Capt. Barney Miller: Have a seat, Mrs. Kaufmann. If you don't restrain yourself, we're going to have to do it for you

Fish: The doctor said he was very lucky, the bullet just grazed him.
Barney: Where'd she hit him?
Fish: In the inseam.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney, dispatch called and they need 12 copies of Wojo's report... uh, for damage claims.
Capt. Barney Miller: 12 copies?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, uh, well, that's probably for the parked cars.

Capt. Barney Miller: Suicide is not an acceptable solution, not to mention the fact that it happens to be against the law

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [Raging at Webber] You got a lot of nerve coming upi here!
Capt. Barney Miller: [soto voce] Have you considered that thing might be activated by loud noises?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [Taken aback, in loud whisper] You got a lot of nerve coming up here!

Capt. Barney Miller: How old was your daughter when she first left home?
Det. Phil Fish: She was almost thirty.
Capt. Barney Miller: How old was she when she got married?
Det. Phil Fish: Twenty-seven.

Det. Ron Harris: Its a set of hand-painted miniatures imported from Germany depicting the March of Wooden Soldiers.

Det. Ron Harris: Look, the syndicate -- they're just another bunch of hoods, there not supermen

Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barney, the people at Bellevue, said that they're not able to take Mrs. Petit right away
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, all right, write here up and make here as comfortable as possible
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Barney

Capt. Barney Miller: Well. how you sports doing ?
Truman Jackson: I'm hungry !
Capt. Barney Miller: Your hungry ?
Mayflower: I told him we'd eat as soon as we get to Sing-Sing.
Truman Jackson: I don't want to go to no Sing-Sing.
Capt. Barney Miller: should've thought of that before you held up the pretty lady ?
Truman Jackson: You can't believe nothing that pretty lady say. I think she's a fibber.
Capt. Barney Miller: How do you know that ?
Truman Jackson: She live in our neighborhood, and she's always telling lies about kids who got sticks. I think she's a witch. Isn't that right, Little Richard ?
Mayflower: Oh, yeah ! She lies just like everyone else. We're the only ones, who tell the truth. That's why we're going to Sing Sing .

Capt. Barney Miller: I'd be bored without the challenges. Without the pressures. Without the problems Ah, not for me. Maybe when I retire. So they asked me to recommend someone else .
Det. Phil Fish: Is it someone in this room ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were the most experienced officer I knew .
Det. Phil Fish: Did you told them how old I was ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were extremely mature
Det. Phil Fish: So you lied.
Capt. Barney Miller: I told them you were facing enforced retirement and it would be shameful waste of a valuable piece of manpower
Det. Phil Fish: Florida, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, think about it. It'd be the perfect job for you
Det. Phil Fish: Don't you think I would be bored ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Boredom is a state of mind.
Det. Phil Fish: Well... it's better than doing nothing at all. May not be such a bad idea.

Elizabeth: [seeing the prostitutes in the office] Is that what I think it is out there or does everyone have his own private secretary now?
Capt. Barney Miller: Business as usual.

Barney: I'll go with you myself.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time.
Barney: What do you say, Fish?
Fish: I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman.
Elizabeth: Phil, that is just terrible!
Fish: Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving.

Dr. Matthew Kramer: Possibly Sergeant, Hypnosis isn't foolproof, but I think if you'll just try to relax and give me your cooperation and trust, we have an excellent chance retrieving that information your searching for.

Capt. Barney Miller: Good Evening
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hi Captain
Capt. Barney Miller: What's happening ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Status Quo -- High Interest Rates, High Employment, High Budget, High Deficit... However, Liz and Dick are talking.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, well, at least there is some good news.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Harris and Wojo went out
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you.

Antonio: I am not shouting! I am speaking in a normal New York tone of voice!

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Amish belief prohibits any government affiliation, such as receiving Social Security numbers. It also prohibits the use of any technological device unless its in the bible.

Inspector: You stole woman's draws ?
Crippen: I didn't intend to ? I wanted to pay for them ?
Inspector: A little present for your wife ?
Crippen: I'm not married .
Inspector: Huh? Aren't you disgusting ?

Murray: Nothing from the man of La Mancha?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No thanks. I lost my appetite, along with an FM radio, my wristwatch, and a sterling silver picture of my mother on the mantelpiece.
Murray: Why would you take a picture of your mother on the mantelpiece?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [with emphasis] Not a picture of my mother on the mantelpiece; a picture of my mother. On the mantelpiece.

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, uh, do the preliminary report, will you ?

Capt. Barney Miller: But if I were you, I would be more circumspect in the future with regards with who you do business with, you understand

Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, Tom, Tom, there is a man sitting over there. I want you to tell me, if this is the man who gave you the dollar.
Tom: Yes sir. I better go give it back
Capt. Barney Miller: That's --That's... Not right now... Not right now

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, we ain't got any hot water again
Det. Phil Fish: We ain't got any hot water again, yet
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We ain't never got any hot water, ever, neither
Det. Phil Fish: Sometimes you make a great deal of sense

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, excuse me, uh, this is Emil Ditka. We found him up on a roof with that rifle . It hadn't been fired yet.
Emil: Not yet?
Capt. Barney Miller: Were you, uh, planning on firing this Mr. Ditka ?
Emil: If the need arises and the opportunity presents itself. Que sera , sera, right ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I assume this is registered with the police department ?
Emil: Yes, its registered.
Detective: Check it out Kelly ?
Detective: Yeah, right away Captain.

Nells: He had hit me from no reason
Frank: I had a right, he put me through hell
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Can you stop yelling, it's an old building
Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's Frank Mallory and this Nells Finney. We found them rolling around the gutter in front of Finney's business.
Frank: I was just trying to get a refund.
Capt. Barney Miller: A refund ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, uh, Finney here owns a travel agency
Nells: Jolly Jaunt Tours.
Frank: 13 hours on a plane, 5 hours in customs, and 2 hours in a dirty taxi.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr Mallory returned from a trip to Europe, this morning that Mr. Finney had arranged.
Frank: 28 days of horror
Nells: I told you it wasn't our deluxe package
Frank: Listen, my wife had been planning this trip for ten years. It was going to be the honeymoon we never had. We were gonna revitalize our relationship and now she wants a divorce. Did you know that?
Capt. Barney Miller: Just... just take it easy, take it easy, Mr. Mallory. Whose charging who ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's mutual
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm gonna slide Mr. Mallory around here to your desk
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Come on, Mr. Mallory, here we go
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo , you got Mr. Finney
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Have a seat there, Mr. Finney

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, Wentworth?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wentworth.
Det. Janice Wentworth: Sir.
Capt. Barney Miller: I want to set up a stake out. Go down to Manhattan , uh, South, Properties. Then I want you to go over to the Hotel Greenwich and check in as husband and wife. You got that?
Det. Janice Wentworth: Yes, sir,
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah.Sure, sure, Barn.
Capt. Barney Miller: All right. Now, you're supposed to be affluent. So don't be afraid to spread some money around.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Here it is, Barney. Twelve dollars and 13 cents. Oh, and, uh, two IOUs from Yemana.
Capt. Barney Miller: Charge everything.

Det. Ron Harris: No eating in the squad room... Pick that up.

Det. Ron Harris: Well, Barn, tax-wise; Barney you got everything going for you, I mean, you only got one source of income, your mortgaged to the hilt, medical expenses, investment losses, a wife, and two lovely deductions.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah, we're one big happy write-off

Capt. Barney Miller: There are some pleasantries, courtesies, that we extend to one another, do you understand...

Yemana: [eating Chinese take out with pencils] Just call your insurance company. Yes. Don't mention it.
[hangs up phone]
Yemana: Oh my God. I ate my eraser.

Dr. Otto Travis: Mr. Long, I look forward to seeing you at the trail
James: Right... Take care of yourself
James: I'll do my best.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: See you Doc
James: Thank you
James: What a nice guy

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I'm going to go downstairs ,and grab some uniforms. Hell in a handbasket ? It's late
Gordon: Captain, maybe I better go down with them just in case
Capt. Barney Miller: I'd appreciate that, Mr. Kaiser
Gordon: I'd thought you might
Andrew: God, your good.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [walks tiredly into the Squad Room] Good morning.
Barney: [looks at watch] You're late.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I interviewed a *lot* of women last night that got dirty phone calls. I had to take down *all* of the conversations. I got names. I got addresses. I also got excited.
[indicates notepads]
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Do you want me to type up these reports?
Barney: Maybe you'd better let Fish do it.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Good.You know, these guys that make dirty phone calls gotta be very lonely people. They spend so much time talking on the telephone they never get to meet anybody.
Barney: I wish he'd start writing dirty letters. Then the Post Office could worry about it.

Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, well, Did you know that in Ireland, writers do not have to pay one cent of income tax ?

Detective: Watch it, kid, he steals.
Marty: Do you have to give away the plot ?

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Mrs. Kleiner, if you'd be so kind...
Ms. Mable Kleiner: Take your clumsy paws off me , you lousy bull
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Bull ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I believe that waa a term used for police officers sometime around the Civil War
Ms. Mable Kleiner: You want to hear another term from the Civil War ?
Det. Ron Harris: Careful

[first lines]
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, um, Barney? William Krebs, a.k.a. 'Bingo'.
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: What's happening with the world?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm not sure, Mr. Krebs.
Det. Ron Harris: He was, um- he was mugged while entertaining a crowd of moviegoers outside the Tivoli Theater over on House Street.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hm.
Det. Ron Harris: Sounds like our man, huh?
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: What man?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm afraid you were the third clown to be assaulted in this precinct in the last two weeks.
Det. Ron Harris: I didn't have the heart to say it.

Det. Phil Fish: My Doctor said I'm obese
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you fat ?
Det. Phil Fish: He's entitled to his opinion. I have to lose 15 pounds.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why don't you get yourself a bicycle, that will take it off
Det. Phil Fish: Bicycles aren't good for you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What are you talking about ? They are the perfect exercise.
Det. Phil Fish: The seats will ruin you for life. I had a paper route when I was nine.

Capt. Barney Miller: Good collar, Dietrich
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh, we didn't have to do that much
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, you brought him in
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, all we had to do was go into the elevator and pick him up
Capt. Barney Miller: He could of escaped ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There is only one way out of an elevator
Capt. Barney Miller: But you were there ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: For what ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Being there ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh... Your welcome.

Det. Maria Battista: Okay McCarthy, out of the cage
Antoine: What ?
Antoine: Your being released with a Desk Appearance Ticket.
Antoine: What's the rush ?
Det. Maria Battista: This ticket requires you to appear in court the day specified on the ticket
Antoine: I don't mind waiting here
Det. Maria Battista: Look , I'm trying to be nice to you. Come on, don't cause me no trouble. Move it out
Officer: Writes on bathroom wall. I do that.

Julio: Take it easy man.
Det. Ron Harris: Look, come on, I want that money.
Julio: I told you, I don't got it
Det. Ron Harris: Look, you better find it amigo !
Julio: Que pasa con el ?
Mr. Dozier: Where's my money ?
Julio: I told him I don't got it
Capt. Barney Miller: Alright, what do we got ?
Julio: Nothing !
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: This is Julio Rodriguez. He tried to rob a lady who just made a withdrawal. She slugged him with her purse. Then two old guys grabbed him and sat on him till we got there.
Julio: You read about stuff like this but you never think it could happen to you.
Capt. Barney Miller: Book him
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Over there, Julio
Det. Ron Harris: Come on, get over there

Officer: Look who we just picked up for shoplifting, Doctor Strangelove.
Marty: You know something ? You simply have no class Kogan, that's why you're still a private.
Officer: There are no privates on the police force.

Detective: That makes it a genuine forgery.
Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, its okay by me, as long he's writing his own name he's not writing somebody else's.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on, Harry - they want to talk to you downtown.
Harry the Bookie: Hey, Yemana - ain't there somethin' you can do for me?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Uh, here's twenty. I'll pay you the rest when you get out.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I finished the Demarco Report, Jenkins Report, and I compiled in January statistics and then I projected them for February March and April... I clean my revolver... I'm not thinking about it.

Bruno: Hey, hey, wait a minute what about us.
Capt. Barney Miller: Gentlemen, I'm afraid there are still a couple of assault complaints outstanding, unless you two have reconciled
Bruno: Well, look, if promises to stops weirding off in front of my store, it's going to be alright?
Leslie: Weirding off ? I'm an artist, and artists don't weird off.
Bruno: Who needs it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Now, Mr. Binder, whatever you think of Mr. Phillips, he does have the ability to draw a crowd and it appears to me, you can turn that to your advantage
Bruno: Can I sue him ?
Leslie: I don't have no money . But, listen I really could help with your advertising at your store.
Bruno: Oh yeah, sure !
Leslie: No, No, listen, really, really, I could mine different sporting goods when you have them on sale
Bruno: Yeah
Leslie: Like... baseball... basketball... tennis... .
Bruno: Let me see mace.
Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich, I have a feeling Mr. Binder and Mr. Phillips will be leaving us, you want to get their valuables ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I saw it coming .

Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you, I'm glad we could get that settled.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh yeah, me too !
Capt. Barney Miller: I also owe you an apology. You were the one in trouble, I, uh... My main concern should not have been how it affected my prospects for promotion.
Det. Ron Harris: That's true.
Capt. Barney Miller: I should have been upset at the fact that you did a stupid and childish thing.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, Thank you.
Capt. Barney Miller: I mean that .
Det. Ron Harris: I mean that .

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That was a call from a bar over on Wall Street... got some hooker trying to solicit a law firm
Capt. Barney Miller: Alright, check it out

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain, I checked Mallory and Finney for priors. There both clean
Capt. Barney Miller: Fine, Gentlemen, we have no reason to hold you. Want to hold each other ?
Frank: Huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Who is charging whom ?
Nells: Well, if it's alright with you, I just want to get out of here
Capt. Barney Miller: Good. Mr. Mallory ?
Frank: I just want to get to bed. I'm starting to hallucinate.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fine. Let them loose.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's an interesting tactic, you used.
Capt. Barney Miller: What's that ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Whenever we have assault cases. You always put the two combatants in the cell, give them the opportunity to reconcile
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Or beat the hell out of each other again
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I have faith in human nature. I figure, two intelligent adults -- give them the opportunity...
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I better get them out of there

Det. Ron Harris: Are you having a stroke, Inspector ?
Inspector: No, it just happen to be Filipino Tagalog talk
Det. Ron Harris: Oh !
Inspector: What I said was "Good morning, you all". I picked it up from tagging around with that little Phillie of mine from Manille..

Fish: [Fish is depressed over his age] When Wilson and I were chasing that kid... Do you know what it feels like to be running down 43rd Street, and your partner is cornering a guy on 52nd? Do you how I found out what happened? I asked a reporter! *Four* radio stations beat me to the scene of the crime!

Capt. Barney Miller: What's the story ?
Det. Ron Harris: It's a hold-up all the way
Capt. Barney Miller: These the passengers
Det. Ron Harris: That's some of them. Wojo is bringing the rest of them in another car. The suspect jumped off the bus as soon as it crashed. But we cordoned the block off so...
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay

Capt. Barney Miller: Gentleman, we are in a full-fledged first stage smog alert. Manhattan South advises all police officers are cautioned to restrict their movements... smog. So, try to curtail any excess physical activity. Huh ?

Det. Ron Harris: Bingo, we got a make on that paper hanger. It's Harold Polanski, and I got three possible addresses. Let's go.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I tell you, I don't know how they get away with it.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh man, most people are very poor judges of character
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, well, it really burns me up. Any time I want to cash a check, nobody want to take it.
Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, I mean, look at you..
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, I mean, you wear dishonest clothes. I never had no trouble.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You know, your right, most people are poor judges of character

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [irritated, but holding his temper] Go ahead and take a seat.
Harold: [a little cynical] Are we required to?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If you want to sit down, yeah.

Gordon: The point is Captain, what with Rikers being so hopelessly overcrowded as it is , we decided, it would be an innovative concept to prune back on our misdemeanor offender.
Capt. Barney Miller: Prune back.
Gordon: You know, granting early releases to purse snatchers, second story men, petty thieves, etc. And thereby making valuable cell space available for the far more despicable and deserving criminals
Capt. Barney Miller: If it was such a great idea, Mr. Kaiser, then why'd you sneak them out in the middle of the night
Gordon: Sentimental reasons... .Look, Captain.
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Kaiser, what is it you want of me ?
Gordon: It's no big thing . If you could just see yourself clear to let those boys go.
Capt. Barney Miller: Just ignore the charges ? Just forget about the fact that they practically destroyed a restaurant
Gordon: Okay. Captain, I don't think you fully appreciated my situation. If this little incident out here ever leaks to the press, it will prove not only embarrassing, but may jeopardize otherwise a very progressive and successful program
Capt. Barney Miller: Are you telling me you have done it before ?
Gordon: Maybe

Jack: How are you doing ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Can't complaint

Capt. Barney Miller: Just wish someone would explain to me how a man who has committed over twenty years of his life to what he knows is right, deserves to end up in a rathole like this

Barney: I could make other arrangements to get you some temporary space around here.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You got a good attitude for a loser, Stemple.

Det. Ron Harris: Do you believe that guy trying to get away with something like that ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What about the uniform ?
Det. Ron Harris: It looks damn good. The day's half over anyway
Capt. Barney Miller: Which leaves you ample time to go home and slip into something less comfortable
Det. Ron Harris: I don't have it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: You don't have it? Where is it ?
Det. Ron Harris: I don't know it must have gotten lost when I thinned out my wardrobe last year
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh really...?
Det. Ron Harris: It was a very hectic time, when they switched back to traditional Barney, it caught me completely off-guard
Capt. Barney Miller: I remember...
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah... so anyway don't worry... I'll have a uniform next time around
Capt. Barney Miller: You will have one by 6 this evening
Det. Ron Harris: Ouch... Even if I could get to the uniform place today, there are alteration's... fittings...
Capt. Barney Miller: Get one off the rack
Det. Ron Harris: I thought we knew each other

Inspector: Yeah, well, I'll see you around Barn
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah
Inspector: Oh, listen, by the way, when me and Scofield make it, don't think I'm going to forget the old 1-2, uh, maybe a fresh paint job, a new drinking fountain
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we'll keep a good thought
Inspector: Yeah, oh, what's the pervert's name ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Crippen
Inspector: Hi there, Mr. Crippen, sir. A moment, please. Might I ask you to remember the name Jacob Scofield, City Councilman, Borough of Manhattan ?
Crippen: Jacob Scofield ? I heard of that name
Inspector: Of course you have, sure. He's for Justice, Progress, and, uh, all that other good stuff like that, you know ?
Crippen: Oh, I'll keep that in mind
Inspector: That's all I can ask Mr. Crippen. Thank you, sir. I'll tell you Barney, first thing Scofield is going to do when he gets elected is get freaks like that off the streets. Hmm ? Cherchez la Femme, Barney.

Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Two armed men, one with a shotgun, one with a handgun, shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if someone didn't get inside.
Capt. Barney Miller: Apparently, someone did?
Det. Phil Fish: Chano, killed both of them.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You can't really call it felonious assault if you assault a felonious assaulter, can you?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on ! , Come On !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just take it easy Mr. Cooper, your in enough trouble all ready
Lyman Cooper: Self-defense, that guy took a swing at me, first, you know and so did she.
Barney: What's he doing up here ?
Det. Ron Harris: Lyman Cooper -- Drunk. Disorderly. Assault and Battery.
Lyman Cooper: Nobody can take a joke no more. I'm just sitting at the bar minding my own business and this blonde comes over to me and she says "Buy you a drink sweetie" and I says to her "How dare you?" and then this big guy comes over to me. The guy takes a cut at me and then the blonde knocks me right off the barstool. Well, maybe it was the other way around.
Barney: Take a seat, Mr. Cooper
Lyman Cooper: Hey buy you a drink ?
Barney: Uh, no

Horace: Well, Captain, I suppose there is not else I can do here, so I guess I will be on my way

Dietrich: [to Detective Harris, who has shaved his mustache and donned women's clothing for a cross-dressing mugging detail] You ever see the movie "Laura"? It's about a policeman who becomes fascinated by a woman he knows he can never have.
Detective: So?
Dietrich: It's playing down the street. You want to see it tonight?

Inspector: [comes into the Squad Room dressed in a patrolman's uniform] Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: For an undercover cop, that's a pretty dumb disguise.

Capt. Barney Miller: If you don't mind my asking Mr. Roth, considering your handicap, what made you think you can get away with it?
Leon: No one expects a blind man to steal. I was counting on the element of surprise.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I was surprised.
Leon: I thought it was safe. I didn't smell anybody around.
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Siegel's wants to press charges
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. Barn. They said it was part of their new "get tough" policy.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh... Wonderful way to begin. Uh, I'm sorry Mr. Roth. We're going to have to book you
Leon: Look, everybody's been taking from me. So, why can't I take a little ?
Capt. Barney Miller: You've been robbed Mr. Roth.
Leon: Everyday and twice on Sunday's. When your blind, you rob easy. On the street. On the subway. Now, they're even coming up to my room
Capt. Barney Miller: Whose "they" ?
Leon: Kids, hoods, repairman, religious fanatics. "Hello, Mr Roth. How are you Mr. Roth? I'm taking your radio and shoes, Mr. Roth. Goodbye Mr. Roth"
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that Mr. Roth. But now, Detective Harris is going to take some information
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Mr. Roth. Take a seat over here, huh ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Can I take your coat, Mr. Roth ?
Leon: "I'm taking your coat, now Mr. Roth ! Thank you, Mr. Roth"

Det. Ron Harris: What's your telephone number ?
Truman Jackson: Man, I ain't got no phone.
Det. Ron Harris: Where do your parents live?
Truman Jackson: Man, I ain't got no parents
Det. Ron Harris: Well, who do you live with ?
Truman Jackson: Grandma and Grandpa
Det. Ron Harris: Ah.
Truman Jackson: Am I going to prison?
Det. Ron Harris: Ah yeah, you got to go to prison
Truman Jackson: For how long?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, that's up to the judge, Judge Meanie. He's known as the "hanging judge"
Truman Jackson: You jivin' me ?
Det. Ron Harris: No, man that's the absolute truth. The last little dude that held a lady up in a elevator got 18 years. That was from Judge Goodie
Truman Jackson: Do I get him?
Det. Ron Harris: Oh no, he's sick

Linda: [to Wojo] I hope you're a good cop, 'cause you're a crummy human being.

Det. Phil Fish: Put it over there on the desk
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barney, wait till you see what we got here. Siegel's Department store hasn't been able to make a deposit for a week, so they asked us to keep their receipts -- keep till morning. I said okay. Is it okay ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojciehowicz, we're working on a half-shift. We can't baby-sit somebody's payroll
Det. Phil Fish: An employee told us that they secretly heard they we're being set-up for a rip-off. They'd like to avoid trouble.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I have never seen so much money in my life. Take a look.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey Harris.
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Fingerprints check out
Det. Ron Harris: Beautiful
Harold: Yeah. We had to take some new pictures. You gained some weight since the last one, Eh? Mr. Polanski
Harold: It's guilt. It makes you eat like a pig. I used to be taller too.

Dr. Otto Travis: Yes sir, may I help you
Dr. Otto Travis: Hello , I am Doctor Otto Travis, Archaeologist-In-Residence at the Greenwich Museum of Natural History
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I'm Art
Dr. Otto Travis: Hello Art
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I take it, that you are here about the bones.
Dr. Otto Travis: I suppose so, this is all so new to me... Anyway, I was at NYU conducting a slide presentation on my recent dig in the Catskills when I was informed of a young man who vandalized my office and made off with some really valuable specimens.

Yemana: That's the washroom
Detective: That explains the sign

Det. Ron Harris: Look, I'm sorry that I hit you Arnold. No one has the right to use physical violence against another human being and I give you my word that it will probably never happen again.

Richard: I didn't plan to do this. I had a wonderful life back in Harrisburg. It's just when the convention ended - I'd never been in a place like New York before - I mean, alone. So I thought, I'd stay over for a few days. Well, then after the first year went by, I'd realized I couldn't go home again unless I had a rather compelling explanation.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: So, what have you been doing all this time?
Richard: Oh, everything... Booze... drugs... sexual experimentation... I was born again a couple of times, but the last year has been a kind of a blur - a pleasant blur, if you know what I mean...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh - yeah...

Det. Ron Harris: Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yo
Capt. Barney Miller: We got a jumper
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, wonderful, where ?
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, The Brooklyn Bridge. She's threatening to jump if anybody comes near her
Capt. Barney Miller: The Brooklyn Bridge ? Why didn't they call Brooklyn ?
Det. Ron Harris: She's right in the middle of the bridge.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why did dispatch call us ?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, they said the wind is blowing this way.
Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, go ahead, take it. Take...
Det. Ron Harris: I'm on with Harris
Capt. Barney Miller: Whoa, whoa, Nick can take it
Det. Phil Fish: No, I can do my own job. Besides, you got to know how to talk to jumpers.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I tell a pretty good joke
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish... Fish, it's a little rotten out there today, so take it easy.
Det. Phil Fish: What is it? A little talk, a little listening. They trust me. I find them a reason for living
Capt. Barney Miller: It's you I'm concerned about ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry, I'll find a reason someday

Det. Ron Harris: Barney, you are looking at one mad nigger.

Capt. Barney Miller: Checked with General Services, they confirmed. Mr. Norrell, is the new owner of the 12th precinct.

Inspector: Busted a lot of heads pretty good in them days, Barney. Kept them hoodlums outta this precinct. But you... you Barney, you're gettin' the worst reputation in town. People like you.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Is something the matter ?
Det. Ron Harris: No, just reading an article about you
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah ?
Det. Ron Harris: It's called the "Tragedy of the Compulsive Gambler"
Det. Ron Harris: I'm not compulsive. It's just a relaxing hobby.
Det. Ron Harris: Hmm-Hmm. Hmm-Hmm
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ah... Does it mention me by name ?

Det. Ron Harris: Address ?
Mark: 611 West 135st Street. Hey man, look she's old enough to be my mother. What do you think I am... some kind of degenerate ?
Det. Ron Harris: I think your a common ordinary thief
Mark: Hey, thanks man I appreciate it

Barney: Look, your not the first cop to hide behind a reputation or a image. You just did a hell of a job without it , Chano told use the whole story

Mitchell: Ah, This phone over here. Come on
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Take it easy
Mitchell: Turn around. That's right. Sit down. Now dial.
Bruno: The Ritz Brothers, didn't cold cream on their kissers to funny.
Mitchell: Everybody stay right where you are.
Bruno: What the hell is going on here ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Gentlemen, Mr Warner's is in charge, just do everything he says.
Mitchell: Put your gun in the trash.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, its an old gun
Mitchell: Now you three, into the cage
Bruno: Hey, you got no right to do this, I'm a veteran
Mitchell: Inside
Bruno: Hey, who sold him the gun, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Will you get in the cage Binder?
Bruno: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hello... uh... spy department please ?... This is the New York Police Department... Sergeant Wojciehowicz
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, may I ?
Mitchell: Please go ahead.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hello ? Uh... Hello ? Hello. This is Captain Miller of the New York Police Department... to whom am I speaking please... Well, I guess I don't have to know, but it's imperative that I speak to someone in the Clandestine Department. A very, very angry man with a gun, does that qualify as life or death... Thank you. I'll hold on... What a company, huh ?
Bruno: If law-abiding citizen were allowed to arm, this wouldn't have happened?
Capt. Barney Miller: Hello ? This is the Clandestine Division... We got a problem
Mitchell: Tell them the lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Capt. Barney Miller: The lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Mitchell: They don't take their spooks away from me, I'm going to take myself down to the New York Times and spill my guts
Capt. Barney Miller: He wants you to halt the operation or he goes to the New York Times
Mitchell: You don't jerk around with Mitchell Warner ! I wrote the book
Capt. Barney Miller: You don't jerk around with...
Mitchell: Come here, give me that -- Hello ? What ?
Capt. Barney Miller: They hung up on me shortly after I said hello. You want honesty, you got honesty.
Mitchell: You gave them a code word to initiate Plan 2?
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, there is no Plan 2. There wasn't even a Plan 1? They hung up because they thought I was a crank and given the circumstances I was
Mitchell: Is that so ?

Captain: Marty, you keep ripping people off, they're going to put you away for a long time. Now, why don't you cut it out and get an honest job?
Marty: Oh, don't give me that. I've had more jobs than you have hair on your head. I even tried to get on the police force.
Captain: They turned you down?
Marty: Of course they turned me down. It's ridiculous. What's wrong with a gay cop? There are gay robbers.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sorry about the profanity Reverend
Rev. Albert Carrey: Ah, you see, just because I'm a minister, everybody thinks they have to to protect me. It's not necessary.
Rev. Albert Carrey: All right, the hell with it

Yemana: You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
Barney: Yeah.
Yemana: I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.

Det. Ron Harris: Hey,uh, Barney. What's with the Reverend ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Fencing stolen merchandise
Det. Ron Harris: Oh yeah? What are you going to do -- throw the Good Book at him?
[busts out in hysterical laughter]
Capt. Barney Miller: Try to put yourself together.
[Harris busts out laughing again]

Capt. Barney Miller: Any luck ?
Fletcher: These pictures... some of them are awfully old. I mean, they're yellow and curling up at the edges
Det. Phil Fish: It will happen to you to, Mr. Fletcher
Capt. Barney Miller: Chano, maybe you better bring those ladies in just in case Mr Fletcher can make a positive ID
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: All right

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What you got?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Corned beef.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: ...You know, corned beef has a high ratio of salt, in relation to protein content.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: ...Oh, yeah?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Animal fat is probably the leading contributor to heart disease. The number one killer in America, heart disease.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: ...So?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You gonna eat that other half?

Det. Ron Harris: You're simply going to have to realize that the people who patronize today's erotic films are a lot more sophisticated than you and your friends were. Barney, these people have come to expect really good production values! Well-defined characters, viable stories, a musical score...
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Midgets.

Det. Phil Fish: First time in 20 years I felt *really* good and it has to be illegal!

Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, Mr Norrell, I think there been some misunderstanding here.
Jack: This place is going to be a landmark?
Capt. Barney Miller: So?
Jack: So. Anybody who buys it and puts it back in its original condition gets a 25 % tax credit.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well that may be. But this is, uh...
Jack: You know, this place may make great... dental offices, You know, 1890's style. Of course, it's going to take a lot of work you understand.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: This building is not for sale
Jack: Oh, do you own it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, not exactly.
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Norrell, the city has no intention of selling this building.
Jack: You don't mind if I just look around, do you ? Yeah, we can just rip out this bathroom... and put in a bathroom.

Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to disappoint you Scanlon,.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: I beg your pardon
Capt. Barney Miller: I am not volunteering to take this test
Lt. Ben Scanlon: You must be joking
Capt. Barney Miller: You seem to be missing the point Scanlon, I never joke with you. I take you very, very, seriously.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Hey, wait a minute, you do not want to take this test, it's all right with me. It will be duly noted of course, along with any kind of reason by way of explanation you may want to enter into the record
Capt. Barney Miller: My reason...
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Failure of Sergeant Wojciehowicz. You see, I know he telling the truth, ergo the machine is inaccurate
Mr. Sanders: That's not true
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry, Mr. Sanders, I know you put a lot of time and effort into this
Mr. Sanders: Time and effort... what about body and soul, uh, knowledge, sweat... l what about love?
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Don't you go weird on me, Sanders?
Capt. Barney Miller: It doesn't work
Mr. Sanders: It works !
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Of course it works. It work's damn good .
Capt. Barney Miller: Scanlon, your not here because of any concrete evidence you may have against me or my men. Your on a witch hunt.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Wait a minute. Your accusing me of a personal vendetta or something ?
Capt. Barney Miller: You may not be fast, Scanlon, but you're accurate.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: The only reason I am here is because of specific charges against this squad... I mean I am not here out of any personal distaste I may have for you or your men... You -- shut the hell up !
Capt. Barney Miller: I apologize Inspector, there does to seem to be an argument for the accuracy of this machine
Mr. Sanders: Of course there is.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Now, wait a minute. Now... What the hell are you trying to pull Miller
Mr. Sanders: Nothing, it's just along with Sergeant Wojciehowicz's results that last assessment by this machine will also go into the record. It picks up on malice aforethought very discerningly
Mr. Sanders: Oh absolutely
Lt. Ben Scanlon: Now wait a minute
Capt. Barney Miller: One thing goes into the record, everything goes into the record.
Lt. Ben Scanlon: All right. It's all right with me.

Stanley: Hi, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi.
Barney: Hello, Stanley. Can I fix you a drink?
Stanley: Uh - no, thank you, Captain Miller. Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
Elizabeth: Hi, Stanley.
Stanley: Actually, I'm here tonight for two reasons. First, to take a certain young beautiful girl out to dinner - and second, to present a bottle of wine to the hero, as a tribute and a thank you.
Elizabeth: [as Barney turns, too late to cut off Stanley] Hero? What hero?
Barney: You shouldn't have done it, Stanley.
Elizabeth: What hero, Stanley?
Stanley: Didn't he tell you?
Elizabeth: No.
Stanley: Well, this morning, uh, some crazy kid strung out on drugs comes into the police station, and takes a gun away from one of the police officers and threatens to kill everyone in the place unless they let him go free - and Captain Barney Miller not only talks him out of it, but refers him to me as a client!
Elizabeth: Well! Isn't that swell, Stanley ?
Rachel: How could a thing like that happen?
Elizabeth: Happens all the time on a perfectly normal day.
Barney: What is everyone making a big deal about?
Rachel: Big Deal? Dad, you could have been killed!
Barney: Stanley's overdramatizing everything. He comes in with this wild story about some crazy kid comes into the police station, steals a policeman's gun, threaten to shoot everyone in the place unless we let him out.
Rachel: Isn't that what happened?
Barney: Of course not!
Rachel: Then what happened?
Barney: Some crazy kid came into the police station, stole a policeman's gun... threatens to shoot everyone in the place... unless we let him go.
Elizabeth: What the hell? A miss is as good as a mile, I always said.

Det. Janice Wentworth: I hate filling out forms. I though when you did plainclothes, you did more than fill out forms.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh yeah. We do a lot of heroic stuff around here, but if we didn't fill out forms, no one would ever know about it.
Det. Janice Wentworth: I was better off downtown writing parking tickets . At least I was near the windshield where all the action was.

Puerto: [to Harris about Chano] Do I have to go with him again?
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, no, we're desegregated here.
Puerto: He's always picking on me because I'm Puerto Rican, you know?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, you see, that's because Chano feels that Puerto Rican ladies are very special.
Puerto: Me, too. You know, I make more money than they all do.

Richard: You know, it's trite but it's true. The body is the house where the soul resides.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I don't believe I have a soul. You know somebody lookin' for a place?

Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Right this way !
Phillip: I know, I know, I have been here before ?
Det. Ron Harris: He hasn't.
Phillip: You getting a big kick out of this, don't you ?
Harriet: I'm doing it for you
Phillip: I don't want you to
Det. Ron Harris: Hey... Hey. You remember Captain Miller ?
Phillip: You can't stop me. This is America.
Det. Ron Harris: You do remember Mr. Brauer ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Now I do .
Phillip: A man has a right to give his life meaning. A man has a right to participate
Capt. Barney Miller: In what?
Phillip: In the ebb and flow of current events.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's very conscientious of you, but your wife is very concerned for your safety
Phillip: I don't care what she told you, I want you to understand one thing. I have thought this thing over very carefully and calmly. This is not the act of a crazy man
Harriet: Look at the eyes, the eyes
Phillip: My eyes have always look like this.I've had pictures since I was a little kid.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't you have a seat, Mr Brauer, we'll try... ?
Phillip: Your a very sick woman
Harriet: Coming from you, that's a compliment
Phillip: Oh, really...
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Brauer, why don't you have a seat, huh ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, okay, we'll be right there. Barn, Burglary in Progress over at the Canford Arms Hotel
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, Harris go with Wojo
Det. Ron Harris: Why me? I haven't finihed polishing my image
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You notice when there's trouble, who they call
Officer: Hey, it wasn't me who tipped them off.

Capt. Barney Miller: Somebody put it in the safe ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I got it. I signed for it.
Capt. Barney Miller: All right. Then, It's your responsibility but get at it. We got a lot of work to do.

Officer: Sir, the transfer notification and permanent file on Dorsey, Eric
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, thank you
Officer: From what I am told, he is an excellent officer.He should make a fine addition to the squad
Officer: Thank You
Officer: Will you be needing me for anything else?
Capt. Barney Miller: No,Thank You
Officer: I didn't think so
Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt... Levitt, I do not make the final decisions on assignments and promotion, I did not request Dorsey. But when an offer is made for additional manpower, I am not about to turn it down
Officer: Did I ask something?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I know how long and hard you worked for a permanent assignment up here.
Officer: It has kept me going, Sir ?
Capt. Barney Miller: There is still a possibility ?
Officer: Oh
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, I don't know how long he's going to be up here anyway. Maybe, he won't work out.Maybe, he won't fit in with the squad. He might turn out to be more of an hindrance than a help.
Officer: Let's hope so sir

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [after their sandwiches are dropped off] Mr Schuster, I ordered -- I ordered an extra sandwich, a corned beef and turkey
Alan: I wouldn't touch it
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They're great sandwiches
Alan: Huh ? That's what they told Kleineman the Auditor, when they had him stashed in that hotel in Chicago. Scrambled eggs. He was dead before he could put his fork down. You know what the police found out ? Someone had injected poison into the egg shell with a hypodermic needle. You know how easy it would be to do the same thing with chopped liver, corned beef, bread, mustard.
Capt. Barney Miller: Your letting your imagination run away with you, Mr. Shuster.
Alan: Yeah.
Officer: [enters the squad room] Here's your sandwiches from Grossman.
[the detectives look at one another and drop their sandwiches]

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Miller..."Occupation on the Floss" - it's miller. "Mill on the Floss" was a George Eliot novel... Setting was a mill, so the occupation...
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, yeah, yeah - I got it, Dietrich.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: ...Do you need any help with "blank google"?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Are you enjoying your retirement?
Det. Phil Fish: No.

Detective: Give me your phone number ?... Yeah... And the address ? Okay, we'll send somebody right over. Thank you. We got a Burglary on 17th Street. Some broad got her apartment rifled.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey. That could be another set-up. Come on Kelly.
Detective: Uh. Wh-what do mean, "Come on Kelly ?". I just got here . I'm still unpacking. I'm trying to get acclimatized, you know ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, come on, Harris and Chano had their shot, it's our turn ?
Detective: Yeah, well listen,I don't want to muscle in on another guy's collar.
Det. Phil Fish: I'll go
Detective: Yeah, yeah, sure, go . You got seniority
Capt. Barney Miller: You'd better verify that call
Detective: Yeah, yeah, good idea, Fish, why don't you verify that call ?
[turns to Wojo]
Detective: I mean, come on, will you, hey ? That's a rookie trick, muscle in on another guy's collar. Back in the old days, cops didn't do things like that.
Det. Phil Fish: Hello ? Madam ? This is Detective Fish at the Twelfth Precinct. Did you just place a call to report a burglary in your apartment ? We'll send someone right over. You did ? Thank you. We're glad to hear about that . We'll send someone right over ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate ?
Det. Phil Fish: She lost everything.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hold it. Wojo, take Kelly with you.
Detective: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I'm glad to go. You don't want to walk into an ambush. You got a pad ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I got a pad.
Detective: All right, let's mount up
Capt. Barney Miller: Keep your eyes open , you hear ?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, don't worry.

Capt. Barney Miller: Well, look, it's always tough to make any kind of commitment. I can't say anything to you other than go with you feelings

Paula: So... how long have you been a cop?
Det. Phil Fish: I was the first.

Det. Ron Harris: All right, come on, Duncan, step inside here
Arthur: Weren't you in charge last time ?
Det. Ron Harris: Just get in here
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: That's him. That's the guy who robbed me
Arthur: Hey, you must be mistaking me for some other clown, Clown ! Ooh, sorry.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, did you hear about the tidal wave and earthquake in the Phillipines.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, terrible... terrible
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It says here that the Chinese got the atomic bomb.
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, you're gonna have to learn with one irrevocable fact and that is there is no way to get 11 million people out of the city in a hurry
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then what are you gonna do ?
Capt. Barney Miller: We just have to hope that mankind never gets to that point in their relationships where they'll allow something to happen. We have to do everything we can do to prevent it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay. What do we do ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, your making me crazy !

Capt. Barney Miller: Marty ? Marty's not going to kill you... take you to dinner maybe.

Marty: If you want real police brutaity, wait until I tell you what they served me for lunch.

Paul: I don't care what anybody says, it's healthier to live without clothing!
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You're right. Studies have shown that, as a group, nudists are less frustrated than people who wear clothes. Their blood pressure is lower and, in general, their outlook is much better.
Paul: Then why do you wear clothing?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Gotta wear a badge.

Lou: Believe me, Doris, the trouble I'm having has nothing to do with the job or radioactive waste.
Doris: It must. For a man to go from being string and virile to weak and incapable has to have something to do with that stuff.
Det. Phil Fish: Not necessarily.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That -- That siren is suppose to be kept in good working order. It's suppose to be checked once in a while.

Gordon: You know, it occurs to me that even though Wainwright is and shall remains completely out of the question, you might want to consider the Tick-Tock Day School over on Amsterdam. They'll take anybody.

Lawrence: I understand your holding one of our employees -- Neil Hackett.

Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, whose got duty this week.
Det. Ron Harris: Everybody but Dietrich, uh, he's in court. Wojo's going to Manhattan South to be Public Information Officer for four days starting tomorrow

Det. Phil Fish: I couldn't get anyone to do anything to me for any amount of money
Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate massage parlor then, huh ?
Det. Phil Fish: They wouldn't even do that

Det. Phil Fish: What did he do?
Victor: Nuthin', nuthin'. I didn't do nuthin'. I just came in here with her. Ask the colored guy.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I wasn't paying attention.
Victor: Not you. Him.
[Points at Harris]
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He's black. I'm colored. Everybody else is blank.

Det. Ron Harris: Approximate date you purchased the weapon ?
Col. Charles Dundee: Your ever consider it ?
Det. Ron Harris: Consider what ?
Col. Charles Dundee: Merc work
Det. Ron Harris: Merc work
Col. Charles Dundee: Half dozen places in Africa. You could name in your own ticket -- Angola, Ethiopia, The Congo.
Det. Ron Harris: No thanks
Col. Charles Dundee: Why not ?
Det. Ron Harris: I can't wear Khaki .

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I can never handle two jobs. I am under too much pressure here.

Paula: [as the prostitute stands in the door to leave] Never have I spent so much time with so many for so little.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Wasn't it Winston Churchill said that?
Paula: Never met the man.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's the trouble
Harry: Well it seems to me that we spent enough time here, we got our stuff back, you got your punk and I got a business to run.
Capt. Barney Miller: We're not going to do much with our punk, unless we get your statements as witnesses
Harry: And spend our whole day in court
Capt. Barney Miller: Unfortunately, that's part of what we call the American Judicial System, yes
Miss: It might be nice, I've never seen you in the morning
Mr. Strand,: I ain't taking any more time off from work, you know how many guys are on line waiting for my job
Harry: I don't want to get involved
Capt. Barney Miller: Your all ready involved
Miss: From your mouth to his ear
Capt. Barney Miller: Weren't you the guy who was yelling that... that the police falling down on the job. Well, it's time for you to take some responsibility. We need your statements as witnesses. We need your testimony in court
Brenner: Hey, your not allowed to do that. That's badgering a witness
Det. Ron Harris: Clam up Brenner

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Quentin, I forget about you completely, what do you say ?
Mr. Quentin: Oh, I'd like to help you.
Capt. Barney Miller: Good, Dietrich, bring a statement, we'll have Mr. Quentin sign it.
Mr. Quentin: But I can't
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Quentin, there has been a crime committed. We like to discourage that sort of thing and we need your help.
Mr. Quentin: I'm a little hazy on the the facts. I...
Capt. Barney Miller: You were robbed weren't you ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: No he wasn't robbed
Capt. Barney Miller: I mean, you saw other people being robbed ?
Mr. Quentin: I guess so
Capt. Barney Miller: You hurt your back ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I though it was your neck
Mr. Quentin: Well, its all together
Capt. Barney Miller: Where did you get on that bus, Mr. Quentin ?
Mr. Quentin: Uh, Seventh Avenue and Twenty- Six street, I think
Capt. Barney Miller: It was a cross-town bus
Mr. Quentin: I said I was hazy on the facts
Capt. Barney Miller: You got on that bus after the crash, didn't you
Mr. Quentin: Why... Why would I do a thing like that ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Insurance Fraud, how about that, good guess
Mr. Quentin: Well, I mean, people do it every day, don't they. Insurance companies got plenty. They get a break on taxes. They soak us pretty good, right ?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's an opinion but they do it legally
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich,21700: Hey Quentin, Quentin, come on in here with me, there's plenty of room
Capt. Barney Miller: Knock it off !
Mr. Quentin: Am I free to go ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Fortunately, you didn't go too far.
Mr. Quentin: I could have signed that statement, you never would have known
Mr. Quentin: Conscience doth make cowards of us all
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put

Emil: When do I get my piece back ?
Capt. Barney Miller: As soon as it's checked out
Emil: When do I talk to my lawyer ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's no need to call a lawyer, Mr. Ditka. Your not being charged with a crime.
Emil: Oh, don't give me that. Members of my group have been hassled before.
Capt. Barney Miller: What group would that be ?
Emil: The Staten Island Shoot Club and Personal Armament League
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm not, uh, familiar with that group?
Emil: Well, you will be and when you need us, we'll be there.
Capt. Barney Miller: It's good to know we have support in some quarters
Det. Phil Fish: Wonderful
Emil: Of course, you got support. You think, the league don't know what you guys are going through? You got friends out there. See, we keep a low profile for security reasons.
Capt. Barney Miller: How many, uh , members are there in your league ?
Emil: So far ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Round figures ?
Emil: Let's see, uh... there's me and Charlie and Larry and a new guy Sid something

Det. Sgt. Eric Dorsey: Well I just figured, what you got here is a bunch of older guys, pretty bitter about being stuck in some bush-league precinct, who's got nothing better to do than figure out ways to line their pockets

Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, its true, the building has been sold and if everything goes according to schedule we will have to vacate in thirty days

Det. Phil Fish: [after incident with Sanders] Can you believe a punk like that, what's this world coming to?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, it just keeps changing. Changing-changing.
Det. Phil Fish: So it's a good thing they some of us around to keep a balance huh?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah. You've done a very good job, you've got a lot to be proud of.
Det. Phil Fish: [hesitant] Yes, Well, I better get in there & finish processing that felon.
Capt. Barney Miller: C'mon sit down, Wojo'll take care of it.
Det. Phil Fish: Well, I've got a lot of other work...
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we can take a few minutes to talk.
Det. Phil Fish: Sure... what about?
Capt. Barney Miller: A lot. Well, about you & me... this & that. The kind of things friends who've worked together for 18 years talk about.
Det. Phil Fish: [stalling] Look, if I don't finish I'll have to work late on Monday.
Capt. Barney Miller: [concerned] There is no work on Monday!
Det. Phil Fish: Look, If I don't fini...
Capt. Barney Miller: There is no more work! You are retiring today!
Det. Phil Fish: Oh no. No,no,no... you got it all wrong Barney, I'm not retiring so fast.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish , I know it's painful and it's even unfair... but you've got to face the reality, that IS the reality and you gotta face it or you'll wind up like that 'twinkie' in the cage out there. Fish, you've earned the right to do something else, to do what you want to do, what you'd enjoy doing.
Det. Phil Fish: [ignoring] .Anyway, I walked here from Brooklyn. I had a lot of time to think things over. You know, the trouble this city is in and you know how hard it is to get good men Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller: [quietly] The rules say you have to retire at 63.
Det. Phil Fish: Rules are made by men and rules can be changed by men! I know the Commissioner, I've known him for 20 years and I'm going to have a talk with him... I'll talk to him and everything's gonna be alright.
Capt. Barney Miller: [with desperation in voice] This is not the last day of your life Fish.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm a man with a record Barney, you think they're going to force ME out? NOT ME! A man with my experiences? My accommodations? NOT ME!
[sad,voice breaks]
Det. Phil Fish: ... Not me .

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's going to be hard to separate Church and State with him doing time in Sing Sing ?

William: Someone will be calling to arrange for Mr. Fleischer's transfer him to federal jurisdiction. You'll be sure to let me know where they forward him?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'll keep you posted.
William: The fun's contagious.

Dr. Esterhazy: [singing bewilderedly to himself] Something went wrong here.

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo not back yet ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No, I guess the polls must be crowded
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, I want to get there myself. Uh, Mrs. Relkie, it won't be necessary to hold you. After we questioned your husband, we'll contact you
Edna: I appreciate it
Capt. Barney Miller: If you want to vote, better get a move on.

Arnold: This is not the forum for the resolution of ths issue.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I was an only child. Both of my parents worked, and I didn't have any friends. The only thing I had to talk to was my teddy-bear. And he stuttered.

Nells: What's going to happen now ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Wojciehowicz is going to book you
Nells: It's very ironic, isn't it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: How so?
Nells: The way different professions use the same terminology ?
Capt. Barney Miller: If you say so ?
Nells: I book people in my business , you book people in your business. It's very ironic
Capt. Barney Miller: Of course, around here you don't need a reservation.
[Miller directs Wojo]
Capt. Barney Miller: Book 'em.

Elizabeth: Here's a brochure from our travel agent about crossing on the S.S. France. It costs about $4,000 one way. Now, these are the three best hotels in Paris: Plaza AcadÈ, the Bristol and the Creon. The villa in the South of France costs $1,250 a week. Then we fly back to Paris and then back to New York. That makes the whole thing cost $26,000 for six weeks. Can we afford it?
Barney: No.
Elizabeth: Okay.
[tosses brochure in the garbage]
Elizabeth: How about taking me to lunch?
Barney: You didn't have to go through all that just to get me to take you to lunch.
Elizabeth: I thought you would be more excited about the idea if you thought I saved you $26,000.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well Tom, you ready to go?
Tom: Where?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Home.
Tom: With you?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, your home.
[Tom looks disappointed]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's okay, you can come over to my home some other time.
Tom: [smiles] I want to meet all your friends.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't have that many.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We're never further away than your nearest phone.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [Wojo and the judge are filling out arrest reports on each other] I'm gonna need your full name.
Judge: Philip Paul Gibson. And I'll need your full name.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [pause] Stanley Tadeuce Wojciehowicz.
Judge: [looks at him] That doesn't scare me.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What about you, Nick?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Huh?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You ever feel any longing to return to your home, back to the ancient cultures and traditions, back to the shrines and temples of your ancestors, back to the terraced hillsides and cherry trees?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I was born in Omaha.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: We got a city in Nebraska sounds just like that.

Det. Ron Harris: Uh, got it. Looks like we got a wild party in progress over at the Greenwich Hotel. You know, booze and hookers.
Capt. Barney Miller: Take Levitt
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, thank you sir
[hands mail to Captain Miller]

Capt. Barney Miller: I could envision a situation where someone seeing all the suffering and injustice in this world might want to end it so badly that he could convince himself that he is actually someone capable of doing just that - or not.

Arnold: One minute, I'm engaged in the free and open exchange of ideas, next second, I'm in Gestapo Headquarters !

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Good Morning Barn
Capt. Barney Miller: Good Morning gentlemen, another day another collar . One might expect atleast a chuckle if only in deference to my rank
[Dietrich chuckles]
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's funny

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Maybe Manhattan South hasn't gotten around to calling us yet. I mean, maybe -- maybe they don't know how to break the news to us
Capt. Barney Miller: Headquarters has never shown us any consideration before, why should they start now. It's purely a matter of communication. He's all right. He's all right.

Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, we are on are way. Barn, another liquor store on Lexington. Patrol car is giving chase up Third
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay... Dietrich
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, rub my face in it

Det. Ron Harris: Just wait right in here. You'll be very happy.
Renee: I give you my word, no more bridges. It was all a joke, don't you understand, a joke. For God sakes, doesn't anybody here have a sense of humor ?
Officer: I would be Detective right now, if I was a woman
Det. Maria Battista: You know, I understand things like that can be arranged ?
Officer: What, are you kidding? I wouldn't go through something like that. Weird doctors cut you up, making guys into broads. You don't come out any taller.

James: I was trying to preserve the cultural and traditional integrity of the Mohawk Nation.

Capt. Barney Miller: Levitt, you know, the department has indicated that if and when the building is sold we will all be relocated

Officer: Uh, sir, this is Andrew Landry. Charges include disturbing the peace, destruction of private property, and solicitation of prostitution
Andrew: Why, you must be Barney, I've heard a lot about you in the car.
Capt. Barney Miller: What happened?
Det. Ron Harris: Well, when we got to the hotel, uh, the Night Clerk, led us directly to, uh, Mr. Landry's hospitality suite, Well, we found old Landry here. He was hosting a stag film while, uh, assorted trollops served cocktails to the guest and um, the food fight just raged on in the master bedroom
Det. Ron Harris: Apparently the first pizza roll was hurled when the boys from Bed-Stuy accused Manhattan South of being a pansy precinct
Capt. Barney Miller: There were cops there?
Andrew: Yeah, yeah, about 30 of them, including, uh, these two .
Det. Ron Harris: Well, Barn , you see, um, uh, Mr. Landry here -- he's , uh, in town representing the burgeoning metropolis of Mesa City, New Mexico He's, uh, trying to find himself a police department
Officer: A police recruiter, sir
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you Levitt
Andrew: I'm -- I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand, Captain. But you know how cops get after a couple of drinks
Capt. Barney Miller: No I don't
Andrew: Well then, maybe you like to sit down and have a chat over a cup of coffee
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Landry, you don't...
Andrew: You see Captain, Mesa City is not just on the lookout for patrolman
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Landry...
Andrew: We also have several high-paying positions of leadership available for men in command positions
Capt. Barney Miller: Book him
Andrew: Whoo !
Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Mr. Landry, you...
Andrew: I like him
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, no. he's -- he's spoken for.
Andrew: Oh !
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah ! You want to just, uh... . But, now he's available

Barney: Wojo, you and Harris, fill out paperwork
Det. Ron Harris: Whose the new man ?
Det. Ron Harris: His name is Paul Gardeno, spent a couple years over in Narcotics. He's got a good street record. Tough, efficient, he's a loner
Det. Ron Harris: Sound's charming
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, why don't you team him up with me. We can make a very exciting couple !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We haven't even got our plumbing fixed it ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, what's that got to do with Gardeno ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We need a plumber, a lot more than we need a new cop ?
Barney: Maybe he's handy around the house ?
Barney: Chano, you and Fish . You can take care of these
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Alright
Barney: Nick, you and me, we got to work on these extract reports

Det. Ron Harris: Apparently, Mr Pryor had gone to the clinic for treatment, but subsequently took exception to the methods.
Kenneth: There barbaric. You know, what they do. They stick these electrodes up your arm and everytime you take a puff... Zap !... 30 Volts... and while they are doing that, they got you in this room with ashtrays full of soggy, stinky, cigarette butts and blown-up pictures of diseased cancerous lungs
Det. Ron Harris: What kind of ashtrays?
Capt. Barney Miller: Was any of this done against your will Mr. Pryor?
Kenneth: What will? You have no will once they get through you.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm afraid we're going to have to book you anyway
Kenneth: I am so sick of non-smokers, with there snotty looks, and their phony little coughs and their smug self-righteous attitudes.
Det. Ron Harris: Tell me about it, You want to have a seat right here please

Officer: Sir?
Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah?
Officer: I double-checked it with personnel, and then I checked out his badge number with downtown. No such number has ever been issued.
Capt. Barney Miller: Hmm. It looks like we have an imposter on our hands.
Officer: Oh, really?... Oh... really, sir? Shall I bust him?
Capt. Barney Miller: No, send him up - tell him I want to see him.
Officer: I understand, sir. You prefer the collar for yourself.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, Wojo, what're we gonna do about lunch from now on?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, we do what we have to do, and then we take the consequences for our actions.

Capt. Barney Miller: Don't you get Medicare?
Victor: No, my children don't care!

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Memories --Where would we be without them ?

Frank: Is that the man who barricaded himself in the building ?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's right
Frank: He's just an old man
Leonard K. Hauser: So ? He had a gun
Frank: Probably a veteran.
Phillip: Are you a veteran ?
Phillip: First and Second World War
Frank: For God sakes Miller: Blind people ? Dispossessed veterans ?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm sorry. We attract an appealing class of criminal around here.
Frank: What are you trying to do ? Put the District Attorney Office out of business ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Look at the bright side Pissano. He had a weapon, that's a felony
Frank: Thanks a lot ! Every jury has at least three members of the National Rifle Association on it ! You probably have some medals, citations ?
Phillip: Purple Heart and a couple of Bronze Stars
Frank: Wonderful

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know, it only takes two to make a dialogue
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: And five to make popcorn.

Det. Ron Harris: Bellevue, this is Harris we have a customer for the enchanted kingdom.

Det. Phil Fish: Nobody downstairs paid any attention to him, a guy dressed in a cop's uniform in the middle of a change of shift

Fletcher: Shouldn't I be behind a one-way mirror, or in the dark with them under bright lights ? Isn't that safer ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, but this is cheaper.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Mr Fletcher, you have to face them to sign a complaint so...

Bill: My card in case you join the other side
Det. Ron Harris: And In case you do
[places cigarette packet in Adelson's coat breast pocket and Adelson glances aside]

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I got an interesting question.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, what's that ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Why would a flasher close the door to the bathroom ?

Det. Ron Harris: It's just a Human interlude that's inspiring

Capt. Barney Miller: Look, we're all reacting to that report. There have been reports before, and there will be reports again. Point is, we know who we are and we know the importance of the work we do

[Wojo is recalling what happened when he was clinically dead]
Wojo: It was kinda peaceful. And I think I might've heard these voices.
Dietrich: Of course you did; you were lying on the phone lines.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here, the Hinman report.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, thank you. Just out of curiosity, what was it under ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Some magazines

Detective: So What do you do for fun? Watch TV?
Amish: It's not in the bible.
Detective: Movies?
Amish: Not in the Bible.
Detective: Play cards? Gamble?
Amish: It's not in the Bible.
Detective: What DO you DO for fun?
Amish: Got 14 kids. THAT'S in the Bible.

Raymond: Moving on and listening carefully, did you or did you not have your weapon drawn and at the ready before you needed it ?

Leonard K. Hauser: Hey Captain, we got him. The old nut was running around with a gun threatening people. But the old cop talked him out
Capt. Barney Miller: See that Mr. Hauser ? I tell you, I'll take talking to tear gas any day.
Phillip: Listen Sergeant, believe me, it isn't the end of you life.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, yeah
Phillip: Retirement, isn't so bad. Once you get use to it, you'll find a way to be useful. Believe me.
Det. Phil Fish: I hope your right
Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Lukeather, Captain Miller
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Lukeather, your very lucky that it was Sergeant Fish who came to get you and not a Special Weapons Team
Leonard K. Hauser: I want this man charged with obstruction, assault and anything else you got on the books that I can use
Det. Phil Fish: Shut up ! Sit over there ! I'll fill out the complaint form.
Frank: Don't talk to a witness like that. A good defense attorney would have a field day with that sort of thing
Det. Phil Fish: They got to live, too

Capt. Barney Miller: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Their interested. I told them I'd think about it.
Capt. Barney Miller: Good .
Det. Phil Fish: Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police ?
Capt. Barney Miller: The old chief passed away.
Det. Phil Fish: He died of boredom... . He was sitting behind a desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him
Det. Phil Fish: Life is a gamble at best wherever you are
Det. Phil Fish: I don't know Barney, I think I'd miss all this: the excitement, the challenge. A man has to have something to keep him out of the house

Robert: You know why I'm here?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, I know why you're here.
Robert: Because I'm from Arkansas!
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Naw, we haven't enforced that for years.

Steven: Sure... Sure... If you were alone with her for two hours would you be able to keep your hands off her
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I could, but don't go by me

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Probably protesting corporate corruption, environmental pollution

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: And what's the address ?... 11th..Okay, we will be right there. Barney, we got a call for assistance at a bar over on 11th. Hey, Harris, come on, we got business.
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, see you later, guys, keep a light burning in the window , huh?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, they lost Fish ?
Capt. Barney Miller: He's dead ? !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't know. They don't where he is ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, for God sake, Wojo, will you chose your words more carefully ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'm sorry, Barn. I meant that, uh, they don't know where he is at Bellevue, and they don't know which ambulance went where ? I couldn't get any information.
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, All right. Try another hos... Okay, try another hospital. Try Metropolitan or Beekman Downtown or St Vincent.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The man's got to be somewhere ! You don't lose an entire police man ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right ?

Det. Ron Harris: Smog does not come from cigarettes
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It helps
Det. Ron Harris: Listen here, the Indians suck their pipes all through this neighborhood before you guys got here. Wasn't no smog then.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What do you mean you guys ?
Det. Ron Harris: I mean the place was already ruined before I arrived
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I think it was bad enough today without you making it worse

Det. Phil Fish: You wouldn't believe this. According to their records, I'm deceased.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's probably incorrect.
[camera pans to Fish who has a pained expression on his face]

Arnold: Mr Guthrie, were you shown a warrant when you were arrested.
Edward: What ? No Man, They just busted right in.
Arnold: Illegal search and seizure, unlawful detention, I will have you out of here in one hour.
Edward: Sure

Captain: Take Officer LEVITT with you.
Insp. Frank Luger: Hunh? Okay. Let's go Levine.
[Levitt rolls his eys and joins him]

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'll be back in a couple of hours, unless I am cited for contempt or something
Frank: Let's go Wojciehowicz
Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, take it easy, relax. Everything will be all right.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right
Det. Ron Harris: And fix your tie
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right
Frank: Hey, take the gum out of your mouth before you get on the stand
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Nah, I got to have it. It keeps my saliva going. keeps my saliva going
Frank: I'm gonna lose this case. I know I'm gonna lose.

Charlie: The years force a certain amount of wisdom upon you, whether you like it or not

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Actually the husband has always been allowed the assertion of certain conjugal rights ?
Catherine: What does that mean.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I rather not make it clear.

Det. Ron Harris: Twelfth precinct, Sergeant Harris... Oh, hi, Bernice... He stepped out for a minute... Oh, uh, yeah, he's walking in right now, hold on. It's, uh, Bernice on two
Det. Phil Fish: Thank you
Det. Ron Harris: Beautiful timing. I was about to hang up
Det. Phil Fish: You know you got a real mean streak in you, you know that Harris.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: We might be able to figure out this guy's next move by checking the TV Guide.
Capt. Barney Miller: Nick already thought of that.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Find anything?
Capt. Barney Miller: Only that Lucy is pregnant.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That Charlie Brown's a real devil, huh?

Det. Janice Wentworth: They got places that cater to both sexes. They got male personnel that entertain housewives that got a few hours to kill.

Harry: You know, the first eight or nine times I was robbed I took it personal. I thought it was a prejudice thing. You know, Tannenbaum. So I put a sign up in the window: "Tannenbaum Means Christmas Tree." You know, like the song. A fellow comes in with a gun, looks at the sign, and says, "Okay, stick up your branches! One move and I'll blow your bulbs off!"

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know you' probably caused a lot of hardship for a lot of people
Alex: Oh, No, No, No, No, I gave people all the stuff people really needed: Social Security Checks, Utility Bills, TV Guide.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why don't you just admit it, you're a lazy slob who was taking a free ride at the people's expense.

Elizabeth: Well, I guess I better be getting home.
Capt. Barney Miller: I won't be -- I won't be home for supper till 7:00.
Elizabeth: Oh, maybe I'll go out
Capt. Barney Miller: With whom ?
Elizabeth: Haven't made up my mind yet
Capt. Barney Miller: When you do, let me know ?
Elizabeth: I appreciate it, Good Night !
Capt. Barney Miller: Good Night !

[Farber has tried to commit suicide in the bathroom]
Capt. Barney Miller: [to Chano] Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function!
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look up your statistics! Toilets are very high up in the statistics!

Capt. Barney Miller: [Addressing the elderly but feisty Mrs. Pierce] How about you, ma'am? How do you feel about it?
Mrs. Pierce: Well, I-I-I want to sign... but I'm afraid.
Capt. Barney Miller: Afraid? Of what?
Mrs. Pierce: That punk's friends. They remember somebody who squeals. Yeah, they'll come in the middle of the night, they'll tie me up, they'll tear at my clothing...!
Capt. Barney Miller: [Interrupting] Ma'am, you're letting your imagination get the better of you.
Mrs. Pierce: That's all I got left, Captain.

Inspector: They call it a career conference, Barney, like they're helping you with their career.
Capt. Barney Miller: What did they say?
Inspector: Ah, They gave me a lot of sweet talk about, Lueger, you have done a great job with the department, you're a credit to the force, All that kind of garbage.
Capt. Barney Miller: That's it.
Inspector: Hmm? No. No. No.No. They want me to be all buttered up, then they stuck in the skewer.
Inspector: What, uh, What did they say?
Inspector: What else, "Lueger, take a hike"
Capt. Barney Miller: They ask you to resign.
Inspector: No, No, No, No , Barney. No, They gave me choice They said, "Frank, now, look... you can retire now as Inspector, but you're welcome to hang around, but if you do you will hanging around as Captain"
Capt. Barney Miller: I see
Inspector: Yeah, Yeah, They figure they can shame me into quitting, by busting me down to Captain.Lousy, stinking, Captain.
Capt. Barney Miller: It's not the end of the world.
Inspector: Oh! Listen, No Offense Barney, huh?, I mean, it's good enough for you
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh! Listen, No Offense Barney, huh?, I mean, it's good enough for you You think it came from upstairs. Maybe it's somebody trying to bluff you.
Inspector: Could be. Could be. They tried to pull the same trick on Kleiner a few year back. They tried to squeeze him out too.
Capt. Barney Miller: What happened?
Inspector: Nothing,two weeks later, he was gunned down on 13th street. They dropped it after that.

Jack: Yeah, they we're going to call you, but I told them not to
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh ?
Jack: Well, I felt, better you hear it from me than some stranger.
Det. Ron Harris: Have we met ?
Jack: Not really ? Anyways, the place will be in escrow for the next thirty day. You guys don't have to pack right now
Capt. Barney Miller: That's, very considerate of you
Jack: Sure, in the meantime, I'll be poppin' in and out now and then. But, I'll try to keep out of your hair. I mean, after all, this is a police station. Do you mind if I use my bathroom ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Go right ahead
Jack: Thanks

Vincent: So, then around '65, I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go straight into medical school or work at a hospital and get some practical experience
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown: Uh-huh !
Vincent: So, I robbed a shoe store and bought drugs

Sylvester: What is it with you people? Why don't you believe me?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, it's because we're used to dealing with the criminal element, Mr. White. Everybody comes in here claims he's innocent. So, nine times out of ten, he's not. So it hardens you over the years, Mr. White. It makes initial trust a rare commodity in police work.
Sylvester: Oh.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Also, I don't like your eyes.

Elizabeth: Oh, I hate to see him go to jail. I just -- just couldn't let him go
Capt. Barney Miller: You let use handle it
Elizabeth: What are you gonna do ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Work him over with a rubber hose.
Elizabeth: Now seriously, what are you going to do ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Were just gonna shake him up a little bit. Relax.

Dr. Matthew Kramer: I'd thought you'd possibly forgotten where you put your real tie - Just kidding, Captain.
[Barney is wearing a bolo tie]

Capt. Barney Miller: All right ladies, I'm going to give you a Desk Appearance Ticket, and release you on your recognizance
Wilma: What does that mean ?
Capt. Barney Miller: That means we trust you and think we can count on you for your cooperation
Estelle: For what ?
Capt. Barney Miller: For your testimony, for when Professor Thorndyke comes to trial. And your promise, not to pull a fool stunt like that again.
Wilma: Oh, don't worry, we learned our lesson
Estelle: Oh, Crime doesn't pay

Phillip: Boy, you certainly had a lot of people worried out here, Harriet... and a little excited, too.
Harriet: Without dropping a stitch.

Doris: You remind me of my husband.
Det. Phil Fish: I'm sorry.

Neil: It is about time a case like this was brought to the attention of the public to reaffirm some basic biological laws.
Leslie: So we are going to talk about biological laws, male prerogative macho crap... Oh, I love this...

Mayflower: What's your name ?
Elizabeth: Mayflower
Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
Mayflower: New pimp in the neighborhood.
Capt. Barney Miller: Just what we need -- another social director

Det. Phil Fish: I have to prove I'm alive... and that's not going to be easy.

Det. Phil Fish: You know Harris, I just figured out that if the stock market keeps going down and the cost of living keeps going up the pension fund can keep me going for life if I cut my style of living 40 % and if I don't live too long
Det. Ron Harris: By the time I retire, there may not be a world left to retire in
Det. Phil Fish: Well, don't count on it

Emily: Captain, my husband and I were simply looking out for our son's best interest. He's our first.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, you have traced one call ?.. I see... Well, the next time you make contact, please get in touch with use right away... Right... Yes, of course, I realize it must be very embarrassing for you... Yes, you have a very nice voice too Ms. Bush... Goodbye
Yemana: Hey, hey , hey.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, no -- The voice never matches the face
Yemana: Yeah, it ain't fair is it ?

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: In here, Reverend
Capt. Barney Miller: What's this ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain Miller, this is Albert Carey, he runs the thrift shop. The place was full of stolen goods
Capt. Barney Miller: Hope you got a strong case ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Don't worry Captain. It's a good collar. No offense

Dr. Reinhold Bauer: Gentlemen, we have here a very imaginative example of the adaptation of atomic theory! Oh, a bit... a bit crude perhaps...
James: I haven't painted it yet!

Rev. Albert Carrey: But this guy comes along and instead of donating stuff... He shows me how I can buy it from him and then sell it for a profit and keep the prices reasonable. Well, it... uh , worked like a charm. And the first thing you know, we got a whole lot of people coming in with a whole bunch of merchandise

Det. Phil Fish: Good morning
Capt. Barney Miller: God, it looks like you have been up all night
Det. Phil Fish: I was. I skipped the warm milk, so I can stay awake
Capt. Barney Miller: Anything ?
Det. Phil Fish: Case closed
Capt. Barney Miller: You caught somebody.
Det. Phil Fish: I caught everybody, they we're all doing it. Stealing from each other, for a little excitement
Capt. Barney Miller: That's depressing
Det. Phil Fish: When I accused them. They also, they were giggling at me. Sent chills up my spine
Capt. Barney Miller: Says a lot about our culture

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Man, the smog is tearing me up. I can't even see to type
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's the one good thing about being oriental. You don't expose a lot of eye

Det. Ron Harris: Barn, apparently Joe and Em here, were righteously indignant when they heard that their son Jeffrey's enrollment application had been turned down.

Alan: That's just the kind of guy who would kill me, someone you don't suspect.

Det. Phil Fish: How are you ?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Ah, I don't know yet. Last night, a fortune cookie said I was going to have a rotten day. But ,this morning, my horoscope said it was going to be beautiful. So, who are you gonna believe -- the Chinese Baker or the New York Times.

Capt. Barney Miller: This our author ?
Det. Maria Battista: Mr. Antoine McCarthy. Disorderly Conduct and Resisting Arrest
Capt. Barney Miller: Resisting Arrest ?
Antoine: I didn't know who she was.
Det. Maria Battista: I identified myself as a police officer
Antoine: I thought she was fooling around ? You know, to break the ice
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. McCarthy, you defaced city property. What's more in a particularly vulgar manner
Det. Maria Battista: it wasn't even clean enough to be vulgar. Ah... Come sit down here please. I wrote down what you wrote down. Dirty, filthy smut.
Antoine: If you want to catch a person's eye -- I mean, you're competing with a lot other stuff.
Antoine: What were you doing in the ladies wash room ?
Antoine: What do you want me to do. Hang around bars?

Lawrence: I can only term my reaction to all of this as one of utter shock and disappointment.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How can you sit there wearing a tie and not sweating
Det. Ron Harris: Willpower. Don't you think it would be easy for me to sweat if I were to let myself go.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Your saying you don't have to sweat if you don't want to.
Det. Ron Harris: It's just a matter of values, man, this is a $30 shirt
Det. Janice Wentworth: I wish I could do that . It would keep my hair from getting straight .
Det. Ron Harris: I can do that to

Roland: This is aerodynamic engineering, this is not chazerai. These were designed to give me the configuration of a thrush. My body happens to be a perfect airfoil.

Alan: What do you do?
Marty: I'm getting married.
Alan: I mean, for a living.
Marty: I'm getting married.
Alan: I've never been married myself. I don't know, for some reason girls don't interest me. I guess my head is always too much into business, you know, ambition -- making money, being a big shot. My mother used to say to me, "Alan, Alan, meet a nice girl, meet a nice girl." But, I don't know, I actually had more fun with the fellows. Not that I never met a lot of nice girls. Actually, I was engaged twice. But every time it came time to make the big step, I thought "maybe I'm making a mistake." You know ? You're liable to make a commitment and then when you least expect it, like a bolt out of the blue, somebody comes around the corner and,"Wham !"
Marty: "Wham."

Tom: I am going to be a policeman some day ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah, wecan probably use the help

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here you go.
Victor: This is atrocious!
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Capt. Barney Miller,49860: Okay, I sure wish I was nicer to him
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, we'll here from them. Don't worry. Meanwhile, everybody has got some work to do ? Is Miss Pettit take care of?
Det. Ron Harris: Bellevue is on its way
Capt. Barney Miller: Fine, Wojo, find something to do .

Capt. Barney Miller: 12th precinct, Captain Miller... wait,wait... take it easy... I can't understand you... stop crying... Mr. Shuster is not dead... no, he's not... He just went over to testify before the commission... Now, will you stop getting hysteria
Yemana: Is it his mother ?
Capt. Barney Miller: It's Marty... Take a minute,will you please... relax...

Gordon: Anyway, I was relaxing in my study curled up with a Little Dickens and some Think-and-Do books, when I received word that you and your husband had pummeled our Mr. Kingsbury into a quivering mass of bruised flesh. I had to send him home

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Where did you find him ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Mr. Ditka was up on a roof, across from the apartment building that got ripped off
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh yeah. Mr.Ditka, What are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle ? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment.
Emil: I like to in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying "Emil Ditka got a gun".

Gloria: Manners... Breeding... You got to love the guy

Det. Ron Harris: You get one meal a day, and you already missed today's

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Good morning Harris. Good day, huh.
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, you're late
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I'm not, I'm two minutes early
Det. Ron Harris: It's 10 o' clock.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No it's 9 o' clock
Capt. Barney Miller: It's 10 o' clock, Daylight Savings Time started this weekend. You lost an hour
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh really !
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm surprised you didn't hear about it.
Det. Ron Harris: It was widely publicized !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I didn't see too many people this weekend
Det. Ron Harris: Well, it was in all the newspapers
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I didn't have a chance to read the papers, Barn, I was in all weekend
Det. Ron Harris: It was on TV
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I didn't do too much of that either
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, well... He finally has a legitimate excuse
Det. Ron Harris: Lust
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, why don't you get started working, maybe you can make up for lost time. Maybe you can stay an hour later
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay Barn

Inspector: By the way, one detective from every precinct has got to go out on the beat in uniform, one week out of every month.
Capt. Barney Miller: Because of that report
Inspector: Ain't that a kick in the hindquarters ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, Third-graders only
Inspector: Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojciechowicz , he's our only third grade
Inspector: Good... Good. Then, that shouldn't upset things too much around here
Capt. Barney Miller: You don't know Wojociehowicz ?
Inspector: I thought I did

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Jeffers, I just spoke to somebody in the Attorney General's Office, they told me if you hung around long enough, you could be eligible for parole in a couple of years. Think you can stand it ?

Capt. Barney Miller: So, how's Bernice?
Det. Phil Fish: Who?

Capt. Barney Miller: You busy Nick
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I might be ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Quarterly inventory .
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Again, we just did one three months ago ?

Yemana: Then Fish runs in the alley and he leaps over us like one of those, what do you call those things in Africa that run and leap in the air?
Detective: Slaves.

Detective: Over hill, over dale, and .. hey, one , two. Your old army bunkmate -- always keeps you company, never gets pregnant

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You almost forked him into prominence

Det. Phil Fish: Fine woman. You know, I get a kick seeing her doing little things like that for you all time. I'll send Bernice over to watch how she does that, if you don't mind ?

Wojo: Hey, Fish. Who's Esther Williams?
Fish: She covered herself with grease and swam the English Channel.
[to himself]
Fish: It's a shame Bernice can't swim she'd be all set.

Fred: [as the gloomy detectives watch while the jail-bound street musician plays a last slow, mournful blues of sublime melancholy on his horn and outside the window the fog grows thicker] What year is this?

Det. Phil Fish: Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.

[a man and a woman have to share the holding cell]
Harriet: Did you kill your wife?
Henry St. Martin: [whispering] Yes, but they don't know about that, yet.

Roy: Captain, I'd like to know why Mr. Durrell is in that cage. Alcoholism is a disease, not a crime.
Capt. Barney Miller: Alcoholism, no; attempted robbery, yes.
Roy: Attempted robbery?
Harold: I held up Cottleman's liquor store.
Roy: You needed to drink that badly?
Harold: No, that's what I do for a living. It never came up at the
[AA]
Harold: meetings.

Det. Maria Battista: Okay, you inside.
Antoine: I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Everybody does it and nobody ever gets arrested
Det. Maria Battista: Your are going to be famous. You are going to be first

Rev. Albert Carrey: Our church has been falling apart. It's going under, and I have been growing so depressed lately... I... You know... a couple weeks ago, I--I was walking down Fifth Avenue and, uh, I stopped in front of Saint Patrick's and I looked up and I saw those magnificent spires and I thought... "They really got it made baby." You know what I mean ? I mean, they got it all. You know what I mean ? I thought "Well, why them? I mean, why not us? Why? Why is it always them with the bells, and their tapestries and their works of art ?" I mean, what are we -- garbage. I mean, we all believe in the same things. We read the same books. We all say the same stuff, for crying out loud. We got a right.

Capt. Barney Miller: Yes... I--I understand Commissioner... Well, as I said... without my knowledge... Of course, I understand the implications, I mean... Well ,if pardon my saying it sir, if the Chancellor had done something about the drug situation on his own campus, my people wouldn't feel the need to invade an Institute of Learning... In writing... If absolutely necessary... Why don't I do that... Yes Commissioner... Yes sir

Capt. Barney Miller: I just got off the phone with Internal Affairs. They want to see you downtown.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What for?
Capt. Barney Miller: Seems our friend Speigelgass wasn't kidding. He's filed formal charges. Coercion, intimidation, threatening the well-being of a suspect.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Twelfth Precinct, Detectives. Sergeant Amenguale speaking. Right, just a minute... Barney... We got a 10-30 in progress in a bank in the East Village
Barney: Pick up a car, we'll meet you downstairs. Fish, check out some weapons. Let's go Nick
Det. Janice Wentworth: What about me ?
Barney: Stay here, answer the phones. Make sure everything is... neat

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [after Harris identifies who said a particular quote] How do you know all that stuff?
Det. Ron Harris: As a kid, I stole books.

Det. Ron Harris: 12th Precinct, Detective Harris... Yeah, Just a minute, Liz... Barney, it's your wife
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey, Liz , What's up ?... What are you doing downstairs?... You all right?... Ah, yeah... Bring him up... Liz made a citizen's arrest
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Who'd she collar ?
Det. Ron Harris: A mugger, eight year old, with a pointed stick
Det. Ron Harris: He's just out of diapers
Capt. Barney Miller: He came out armed

Capt. Barney Miller: Look Mr...
Sam: Belinkoff
Capt. Barney Miller: Belinkoff... I don't know what you and your friends are trying to accomplish by disrupting this precinct.
Sam: We are trying to make a point. We are human beings Captain, not a pile of old clothes to be thrown in the dustbin just because the styles have changed.
Capt. Barney Miller: Very well put.
Sam: I was a tailor.

Det. Phil Fish: [Discusses watching "Soylent Green"] They showed a movie last night where they made old people into crackers and fed them to young people!
Det. Ron Harris: Hey wow, I mean it was just a movie.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, but the way they explained it, it made a lot of sense.

John: My name is John Essex attorney for Powerite Electronics.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah, we know what you're up to.

Gilbert: He wants to borrow the big guy
Jorge: Si... I want to borrow the big guy... big guy

Capt. Barney Miller: What I'm trying to do is reconcile myself to the fact that I made an amateur's mistake when I'm suppose to be a professional

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, you counted it, what's the problem.
Gross: There's exactly $5000 missing
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $5000, that's impossible
Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you ought to count it again
Gross: I've counted it three times. That right, Pete ?
Pete: That's correct. I've counted it too. It's a bundle short.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Count it. Harris, you watch Fish
Gross: Pete, you watch Harris

Keller,: All the bugs in your bathroom are dead
Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you Mr Keller
Keller,: Don't mention it, they were dead already
Capt. Barney Miller: How about the bugs in my squad room ?
Keller,: Oh, I got to remove some of the molding over there and in a couple of hours there will nothing that can move
Capt. Barney Miller: I hope you're referring to the insects
Keller,: What do you think, I spray people ? I'm a professional
Capt. Barney Miller: A small attempt at humor
Keller,: You know, I got the power of life and death over these creatures. They live in fear of me alone, I'm their God, their master
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: There's another one
Keller,: I'll be right there

Dr. Matthew Kramer: Alright Sergeant, now, you're going to tell me again what happened, only this time all the street noises will be hushed. The only sound you'll hear will be the voice of the man in the car.

Det. Phil Fish: That's true. Three dollars for valet parking. I gave the kid a quarter and he looked at me like I spit in his hand.

Mr. Strand,: Listen, I got to get out of here, you know how it is
Det. Ron Harris: Sure, Strand, we know how it is.
Mr. Strand,: I mean, they'll probably let him off anyway. It's all a waste of time
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, thanks to you and you and your defeatist attitude
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here... Here
Mr. Strand,: If you get out of here, I'm warning you, stay off my bus !
Brenner: Wonderful to see you, weirdo! You know, guys like that give me such a headache
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh yeah !

Det. Ron Harris: All that hugga bugga for no audience.

Brad: I'm Brad Laneer, legal representative of Federated Paper company, a division of MacMillan Chemical
Det. Ron Harris: Say again...
Brad: I'm Brad Laneer, legal representative of Federated Paper company
Det. Ron Harris: Hmm.. You make toilet paper
Brad: Yes we do. Your Desk Sergeant downstairs...
Det. Ron Harris: How come you can never get a roll started right ? You always have to scratch and claw at it till it ends up in shreds
Brad: Is your Captain Miller here ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, uh, Barney. You know, you people ought to do something about that
Det. Ron Harris: I'm in the legal department, I really don't know anything about that end of the business
Det. Ron Harris: True that. True That.
Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, I'm Captain Miller can I help you
Det. Ron Harris: Uh... this is Mr. Laneer, Barney, he's with the Federated Toilet Paper Company
Brad: Just Paper, Federated Paper Company, we're a division of MacMillan Chemical
Det. Ron Harris: They do make toilet paper, but they don't brag about it. He's their attorney
Brad: One of them. There are 57 of us.
Capt. Barney Miller: 57... That's a lot of lawyers
Brad: We are a big firm

Barney: What happened Levitt?
Levitt: I talked it over with a couple of doctors and they said 'forget it'.
Barney: Incurable, hunh?
Levitt: Yes sir. Five six and a half, that's it.

Capt. Barney Miller: What's going on here ?
Bruno: What do you think is going on, huh ? We're here to say thanks for deserting us.

Capt. Barney Miller: Not everyone is geared for institutionalized, organized ritual; We put more import on how we conduct our daily lives and how we deal with our fellow human beings than we do on formal gesture.

Al: I don't understand. I didn't do anything . Nothing. I am absolutely innocent.
Det. Ron Harris: Who among us, can say that ?

Det. Phil Fish: Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Huh ?
Det. Phil Fish: What about Mr. Lukeather ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Give him a receipt for his weapon and turn him loose.
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, but I promised him we'd find him a place to live
Capt. Barney Miller: "We" is that the editorial we ?
Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, you and me. I told him, he shouldn't worry about it
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, we'll do what we can. You'd better talk to Bernice about it.

Capt. Barney Miller: Call Bellevue, tell them you have a customer.
Det. Ron Harris: Yes, sir .
Det. Ron Harris: Well, that was a refreshing change of pace
Capt. Barney Miller: Let Dietrich out ?
Det. Ron Harris: This very minute.
Det. Ron Harris: Just a thought ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Here you go, Woj.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know what it is ?
Brenner: What ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sinus trouble

Louise: We have your book.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh do you?
Louise: "Blood on the Badge" 364.12 in the crime section.
Det. Ron Harris: Well uh, look, I certainly hope people are bringing it back on time.
Louise: It's never left.

Emily: Just a minute Sergeant. Well Joseph, it's just that, in thinking about this morning, picturing you rolling around the blacktop, wrestling with that despicable and considerably younger man jumping to the aid of your only son and me. I just can't help but feel a bit proud... and aroused.

Harold: You know, I happen to have a brother, he owns a machine shop in Huntington, Long Island, Polanski Foundry and Ironworks. He's making money hand over fist. You think he'd help me, forget it. He'd help anyone in the world except me, right... right.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's your address ?
Thomas: 146 West 23rd Street
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's right around the corner from me
Thomas: Yeah, well, it's a nice neighborhood
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It used to be

Victoria: Excuse me, I'm Victoria Hoffline, State Division for Historic Preservation. We were contacted by Doctor Traven of the Greenwich Museum regarding an article you found in your basement.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, right, yeah, we found this old gun
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I found it.
Victoria: Uh, well, we have done some further research on that, and do you happen to know who that gun belong to
Capt. Barney Miller: No, I don't
Victoria: Name someone who belonged to the police force and but then later became very famous
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Laguardia.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Good answer... Good answer.
Victoria: Theodore Roosevelt and as I'm sure your know, Mr. Roosevelt was the head of the New York Police Board from 1895-97.
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, Right
Victoria: Well, this building was its headquarters, and from our research , we think that your office just may have been Mr. Roosevelt's.
Capt. Barney Miller: Really...?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Bully for you.
Victoria: Now if this building meets the basic architectural requirements, we can recommend it for its inclusion in the National Register for Historic Places
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey, how about that ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Does that mean Sears will paint it ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Captain , may I look around some more?
Capt. Barney Miller: Please... Please.
Victoria: Thank you

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, Mayflower just dock it here. I got to get my key.
Mayflower: Well, well, I see you finally got your hands on "Mr Big"
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man look -- the little brother started out on the wrong path , we're trying to show him the light so don't blow it, you dig ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Any help you can give us will be duly noted on your RAP sheet and the District Attorney will be so notified . Do I make myself clear?
Mayflower: Say no more and open the door !... What's happening, baby ?Ah, You're one of those tight-lipped cats. What'd you do, soul brother?
Truman Jackson: Holdup
Mayflower: You in the big time. Better get some rest, 'cause it long trip up the river !

Yemana: [takes out a bagful of evidence] He had this stuffed in his briefcase.
Capt. Barney Miller: Handcuffs, mace? A blackjack?
Howard: That's the first rule of teaching: get their respect.
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Gabriel, I would imagine there are better ways of establishing rapport with one's class.
Howard: What do you want? Do you want me to go in there like that Kotter on TV, armed only with my wit?
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Gabriel...
Howard: If I told them jokes like he did, they would cut my heart out with their little pencils!

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We, uh, don't got any water, either. But, uh, I'll boil some, if you want to shave
Detective: I'm fine
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You mean, you're going to stay that way ?
Detective: What way is that ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, you know, uh... sloppy.
Detective: Does it bother you ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, it's just a matter of personal preference, I guess, You never been in the service, uh ?
Detective: Yeah, two years in Vietnam ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I guess, you didn't have time to change since you have been back ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, Gardeno. You see, man , well, it's just that,, we take pride in the 1-2, so we dress clean we shave every morning, you know ?
Detective: Terrific

Inspector: Boney diaz, Chay-no.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Jose Feliciano!
Inspector: Pretty good, thanks.

Sister: It's a little frightening not knowing what your past is going to be like.

Darryl: [after Barney introduces him to Yemana] He wasn't Chinese.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Neither am I.

Harry: When the temperature gets over 90, the crazies come out of the cracks. Believe me, I know.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then why don't you buy a gun?
Harry: I made a deal with the mayor. I don't buy guns, and cops don't sell corned beef.

Capt. Barney Miller: [to Fish] What about the night shift? Are they going to make it?
Det. Phil Fish: I don't think so. The guys who live on Long Island can't get to Manhattan.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: Right.
Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.
Det. Phil Fish: [shakes his head] They tried it once and they didn't like it. It made too much sense.

Capt. Barney Miller: Glad to have been of service.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hold on a minute Mr. Sharp, you're not going to walk out of here as if nothing happened.
Horace: Captain, I am merely preserving the conditions of the tontine.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Look, why don't you have them split it ?
Horace: Because they can't.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why not ?
Horace: Because I said so... Actually, that would constitute a breach of contract and defeat the purpose of the tontine... to say nothing of making a rather nasty blotch on my record.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh well, now, we can't have that, can we ?
Horace: No, and we shan't have that, shall we ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Sharp, look, uh, for the sake of all concerned, I think we better start working on some suitable compromise.
Horace: Captain, there is no compromise.
Capt. Barney Miller: Then let's find one, because I am not about to turn this man loose just so he could jump off a building ,so that his cousin here can buy a couple of lousy sweaters and an electric blanket.
Horace: Oh, that's precious, $700,000 and all he wants is a romp through Woolworth's.

[Wojo is trying to open a window that won't budge]
Det. Phil Fish: You'll never open that window. They nailed it down in 1932, on the day this building was condemned.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I can't breathe in here, Fish. Room's like a oven.

Bruno: You ever see "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?"
Det. Ron Harris: Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire?
Bruno: No, no big names, but just one hell of a good movie!

Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Webber. I'm Capt. Miller -
[noticing Webber's dynamite belt, puts out his hands]
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't get up!

Capt. Barney Miller: See... you got priorities, your more selective about your memories, you remember that are important to you.

Capt. Barney Miller: What's the matter ?
Det. Phil Fish: They're crazy !
Capt. Barney Miller: Police Pension Fund Financial Report, not good ?
Det. Phil Fish: Barney, look at the junk they're investing in: 1,232 shares of The First Woman's Bank and Trust Company .
Capt. Barney Miller: I've heard of it.
Det. Phil Fish: Well, what kind of ridiculous institution is that ?
Det. Ron Harris: They cater to single woman who are financially independent. Come to think of it, so do I?
Det. Phil Fish: I'm gonna call the administrator of the pension fund ?
Capt. Barney Miller: What for ?
Det. Phil Fish: He's using my money, he can use my advice too.

Captain: [a bomb has blown up in the squad room] It was in the safe?
Fish: Yeah, I put it there.
Captain: You know there was petty cash in there? Forty bucks.
Fish: Take it out of my check.

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Reports of her death have been greatly exaggerated.
Capt. Barney Miller: [Smiling in recognition] Mark Twain.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah.
[pause]
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: But it's in public domain now.

Inspector: Ah, Inspector
Capt. Barney Miller: Hey Barney
Inspector: I take it, you heard about the building
Inspector: Huh? Yeah, yeah, Barn, thought had occurred to me that I haven't been around in a while, so I thought I'd stop by and invite my favorite Deputy Inspector to lunch.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, they haven't made the promotions announcements yet
Inspector: Yeah, that may very well be Barney , it appears to me that the competition is dwindling down to a precious few.

Carl: My culture is dying
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, tell me about it

Harry the Bookie: Come on, Wojciehowicz - give me a break.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure. What do you want broken?

Felice: I suppose it must be very exciting, very glamorous
Mitchell: Sure... Sure
Felice: I mean, you must get to travel a lot
Mitchell: Yeah. Bug-infested hotels, lousy food, cheap rental cars. You've seen too many movies, lady.
Felice: Just trying to make conversation
Mitchell: Thanks

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What happened ?
Det. Phil Fish: Flasher committed suicide, but very badly.

Telephone: Are you really a cop?
Yemana: Yeah, why do you ask?
Telephone: Never seen a Japanese cop before.
Yemana: Ever been in Tokyo?
Telephone: Flew over it, during the war
Yemana: I bet you were an officer
Telephone: Colonel, how'd you know?
Yemana: I know a lot of telephone repairman.

Capt. Barney Miller: What's going on here, you'd think in this kind of weather, business would be slow.
Det. Ron Harris: The armored car drivers and the guards are still on strike. Money is piling up faster in the stores than garbage on the streets
Capt. Barney Miller: Burglaries, armed robberies, aggravated assaults
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, and every dude with a gun, or a knife, or a pointed stick is out there trying to seek his fortune
Capt. Barney Miller: Civilization, huh ?
Det. Ron Harris: Yeah !

Det. Janice Wentworth: This is what I came here for. Let me go with you. I can be very helpful to you.
Barney: Don't push Wentworth, Don't push. There's liable to be shooting out there. Look, these men have worked together for years. They... they know they can depend on each other. It's... it's always tough when there's someone new
Det. Janice Wentworth: Especially when that somebody is a woman ?
Barney: Being a woman has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of confidence. Look, you'll get to know us. You'll get to know us. Don't be so sensitive, Wentworth. Everybody thinks your a lovely cop.
Det. Janice Wentworth: What time do you want dinner ?

Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, the idea is to present an attractive target to a potential mugger
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I could wear my old Marine uniform
Capt. Barney Miller: And carry a purse
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I just don't want to wear a dress
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, it's just another assignment, everybody's got to pull it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well... a... Harris hasn't gone yet.
Capt. Barney Miller: We all agreed Harris was going to go last, in deference to his mustache Chano went this evening, didn't he ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, But... but Chano likes that stuff. "Hey, hey, look at me, Secret Service, Undercover.All that spy junk."
Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, It's a proven, effective method
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I... I don't know how to act like a woman. I don't know how to walk like a woman. I don't know how to sound like a woman...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Do the best you can.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, I ain't going to be any good at it.
Capt. Barney Miller: Don't threaten, just give me your best shot.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know, I could have grown a mustache. That's what I get for being clean-cut.

Capt. Barney Miller: Good morning Nick
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Good morning Barn
Capt. Barney Miller: Is the coffee ready yet ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: For what?
Capt. Barney Miller: For human consumption

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Nick, if a guy's been murdered and his name begins with B, do you file it under "M" for "murder", "B" for "Bertoni", or "H" for "homicide"?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What's the name of the guy that killed him?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: We don't know that yet.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: File it under "U" for "unsolved".

Yemana: [getting off the phone] Pick-Me-Nick won! I won 400 bucks!
[everyone stares at him]
Yemana: I guess that settles that!

Inspector: I'd rather be respected than liked any day.

Capt. Barney Miller: Sir,Just dropping off the manpower reports before I leave for the day.
Capt. Barney Miller: Fine, thank you Levitt
Officer: My pleasure

Philip: Captain, I was brought down here under false pretenses. I don't know if you people at the municipal level...
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Owens, will you step into my office for a moment?

Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, I, uh, opened the mail. I came across this letter from the citation board.
Officer: Was the, uh, medal enclosed, sir ?
Capt. Barney Miller: You're not getting the medal, Carl. They turned you down.
Officer: Didn't you tell them I saved the life of a small boy at considerable risk to my own?
Capt. Barney Miller: Well aware of that.
Officer: Oh. Well then, did they offer a particular reason, or are they just kissing me off for kicks?
Capt. Barney Miller: I'll read you exactly what they wrote: "The board acknowledges that the actions taken by Officer Carl Levitt on November 12, 1981 were noteworthy, well in keeping with the high level of excellence maintained by the New York City Police Department; however, request denied."
Officer: Well, that certainly explains it.

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Korchak, it appears you won.
Leslie: I suppose... I might as well be going. Goodbye Ms Dornan, it could have been fun.
Leslie: Another time perhaps.

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?
Capt. Barney Miller: He reports it to his superior officer.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I lost my badge.

[Nick is talking to Internal Affairs]
Yemana: I'm not Chinese, you know.
Captain: That doesn't matter, Detective.
Yemana: Now it doesn't matter; but in 1942...

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That's how you fool'em, Mr Burgess... huh... because nothing you give them is worth much any way, right. So he gets nothing and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says "stick it up", right. But the fewer guns there are out there Mr. Burgess, the less guys there would be to come around and say "stick'em up" and someday .. Senor, yo quiere... your junk will be safe.

Sgt. Lake,: If a woman wants to make a career in the Army, she has to make sacrifices. I mean, God knows I did. Two years in Guam, sweating like a pig in the Quonset Hut, while all of those Navy Nurses have all the fun. I didn't earn these stripes in bed buddy.

Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Kenneth Pryor - Disorderly Conduct, Destruction of Private Property, and Resisting Arrest...
Kenneth: Resisting Arrest ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: We're entitled ?
Kenneth: I had to do something to stop them, there are a bunch of Sadists and Nazis over there
Capt. Barney Miller: Over Where ?
Det. Ron Harris: We picked him up at a "Stop Smoking Clinic"... It's the New York Institute for Smoke Modification Inc.

Det. Ron Harris: Anyway, when Mr. Kingsbury diplomatically tried to ease them off the premises, some harsh words were exchanged on the playground, and then a scuffle ensued.

Det. Ron Harris: I went through the records downstairs and came up with some possible suspects, anyone who might have a grudge against you. I also pulled all the threatening or abusive letters you've gotten in the last couple of years.
Capt. Barney Miller: Quite a number.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, well not all of them were sent to you. Some were just addressed to "The Pig in Charge".

Det. Ron Harris: Hurricane Dottie heads toward New England

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You had to find that gun, huh ?

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Marty, when are you going to learn that nobody belongs to other people.
Marty: Why would I take something that belonged to me ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, would you do the honors.
Det. Ron Harris: Okay, over here Marty
Marty: I see you rented my room

James: If you want to draw attention to the issues you got to get publicity.

Capt. Barney Miller: How did it go?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [shortly] The kid's not mine.
Capt. Barney Miller: [relieved] That's good.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'm sterile!
[pause]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'll never have kids!

Victor: Sure, you're blind or crippled, people feel for you, help you. You got a hearing problem, everybody just gets irritated.

[repeated line]
Detective: [in deep voice, not unlike Gregory Peck] Go away! Beverly is busy.

Marty: So... Ruffian, what did you do ?
Hold: I held up a candy store.
Marty: I have candy back at my place
Hold: Hey! I don't want to be here with this guy. You better stay away from me or I'm gonna break your face !
Marty: I want this man removed immediately, he's a paranoid and ugly
Wojo: Both of you guys clamp down

Officer: Come on Warner, your going for a ride

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Warner, you want to have a seat?
Mitchell: Twenty-two years with the company, and then one day it's "so long Boris"
Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that.
Mitchell: Twenty-two years of blind loyalty, Pulling their dirty tricks, bribing foreign officials, toppling regimes... not so much a word of thanks.
Capt. Barney Miller: It's very ungrateful of them, Mr. Warner but what we're dealing with here is something as... as mundane as disorderly conduct.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, so, you want to have a seat ?
Mitchell: They wouldn't even give me a letter of reference

Det. Ron Harris: Hey, how come somebody didn't tell me my broker called ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I did, it's right there .
Det. Ron Harris: Thanks
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey Harris... Are you in the stock market ?
Det. Ron Harris: Heavily. Did the broker said anything?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah, he said something about the bottom dropping out or...?
Det. Ron Harris: What? What do you mean the bottom dropped out ? I want to know exactly what he said ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Take it... Take it... Take it easy, I was only kidding
Det. Ron Harris: Don't ever joke with a man about his portfolio.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'm sorry

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Coffee ready yet?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why not?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I had to get the children off to school.

Det. Ron Harris: What's that?
Det. Phil Fish: My insurance company. They're raising the premium on my life insurance policy. $50 a month.
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, that's not fair, man. You ought to pay less as you get closer.

Det. Phil Fish: Barney, the hospital just called.
Capt. Barney Miller: How's Wojo?
Det. Phil Fish: He's having his stomach pumped right now, but he's going to be fine.
Capt. Barney Miller: What did the lab find?
Det. Phil Fish: [grimly] The sandwiches were all laced with arsenic.

Alan: You didn't even frisk him.
Capt. Barney Miller: To tell you the truth, I didn't have the nerve.

Herbert: Let me explain, you see, they hired me to develop a better battery. But, I went to far, I developed a perfect battery and now they're afraid it's going to put them out of business.

Inspector: Happy Thanksgiving, Dietrich.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Thank you, Inspector
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, now you're supposed to wish me the same--That is, if you got any breeding.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Of course, Inspector. It's just that, I have never been a strict adherent of the custom I'm an agnostic. Hence the uncertainty about who to thank specifically
Inspector: Well, maybe, you wouldn't have that trouble if Gerry Ford was still in the White House. I didn't vote for Mr. Peanut, so don't go taking it out on me, Dietrich
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: No
Inspector: I mean, saying "Happy Thanksgiving" is just the same as you saying "Hey, Good Morning !" or "Hi, Buddy"
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's true

Capt. Barney Miller: You never forget that your the wife of a police man, your not suppose to be obligated to anyone .

Lt. Ben Scanlon: Hey you, you know, you got a wonderful way with words, but someday it's gonna get you get you in trouble
Det. Ron Harris: It's the story of my life. Yeah !

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's true. but I think everyone down deep inside gets a vicarious thrill out of seeing senseless violence.

Barney: Hey, hot of the press, tour sheets. And a communique from headquarter. Gardeno goes back to narcotics as soon as he gets out of the hospital
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, he's going to be glad to hear that because he has a four-day growth of beard and he's polished his earring
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I still don't understand why the guy needs gimmicks to do his job ? He's good enough without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What's that around your neck ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: My Marine dog-tags, but I don't need them. I just wear them for... luck
Det. Ron Harris: Ah, he wouldn't be caught dead without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right
Barney: What about the slave bracelet ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, that's a genuine antique. That belonged to my great-grandfather
Barney: Everybody needs something
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, listen, I got a good luck tattoo but you can't see it because it's under my cast
[lips "pretty stuff?"]
Det. Phil Fish: I got lucky teeth
Yemana: How come there lucky ?
Det. Phil Fish: My dentist died before they were half-paid for .

Mr. Franklin: I slipped on a bar of soap and hit my head on the sink.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I thought you said you slipped on a piece of ice and hit your head on the coffee table.
Mr. Franklin: I slipped on a little thing and hit my head on a big thing, what's the difference?

Capt. Barney Miller: Coffee fresh?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [takes a sip] Damned if I know.

Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, Harris, you and Dietrich take our friend over to Manhattan South. Tell them about the witnesses. Tell them to swear out subpoenas. Tell them to do whatever they want
Det. Ron Harris: Okay Barney
Capt. Barney Miller: Nick... Wojo , you two go over to the hospital. Maybe we can get some statements from the other passengers
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right

Floyd: Hey mother, your not going to leave me are you ?
Bernice: I'm not your mother
Floyd: You sure you ain't got a son?
Bernice: I'm sure
Floyd: You want to buy one ? Don't leave me mother ? That mother left me.

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [after Wojo objects to drinking Nick's coffee] What's the matter with my coffee?

Alan: That's the way they got Friedman, in a laundromat. Snuck up behind him and pushed him into a dryer. They threw in 7 quarters. The coroner said 2 would've been enough to kill him.

Capt. Barney Miller: All right, let's make the best of a bad situation. Get the dispatcher to call Harris in the car. Have them check Wojo into the hospital under the name Alan Shuster
Det. Phil Fish: Right
Capt. Barney Miller: And put him on the critical list and let our friends think they got away with something. And call downstairs, tell them nobody comes up here that doesn't belong here
Det. Phil Fish: Right

Det. Phil Fish: Well, I decided at a time like this, I should to be among friend... old friends.

Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I think Kelly's on to something international. He's after me.
Capt. Barney Miller: What did you do?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Me? I didn't do anything, but my brother-in-law is New York illegally from Argentina.
Capt. Barney Miller: Where is he?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He's hiding in the cellar of a condemned rat-infested building on the West Side. Right across the street.
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, you better do something about it before Immigration finds out.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, well, I told him, "Hey, you gotta go back to South America, get a visa, then come back to the United States, to New York, take the test, and then become a citizen of the United States."
Capt. Barney Miller: What did he say to that?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He don't think it's worth it.

Capt. Barney Miller: To each his own. That's the name of that test.
Dr. Esterhazy: Captain Miller, may I see you a moment, please?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Watch it. He's tricky.
Dr. Esterhazy: Sit down, Captain Miller. I assume you're familiar with this test. It's really very simple.
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, I don't mind taking, uh, part in your survey, doctor, but we do have a lot of work to do around here.
Dr. Esterhazy: It won't take very long and I appreciate your cooperation. Now, these cards will suggest certain images to you. Just feel free to loosely associate your impressions. Card Number 1, please.
Capt. Barney Miller: Have you come to any conclusions yet, doctor? I mean, about the men?
Dr. Esterhazy: Yes I have, to some degree.
Capt. Barney Miller: And they are?
Dr. Esterhazy: I don't think I can discuss them now.
Capt. Barney Miller: I'm gonna see that report sooner or later
Dr. Esterhazy: Card Number 1, please.
Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, it's my understanding that the conclusions from this test varies from doctor to doctor.
Dr. Esterhazy: Somewhat, yes. Uh, Card Number 1.
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, doctor, I have a very vivid imagination. I can see a hundred images in any one of these cards, ranging from the horrifying to the idyllic, from the ridiculous to the sublime because that's the way I look at life, particularly in the mood I'm in right now.