50 Best Hot Fuzz Quotes

Danny: [about PC Doris Thatcher] She's our only policewoman.
Nicholas: She's not a policewoman.
Danny: [whispers] Yes, she is, I've seen her bra.

DS: You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village.

Simon: Lock me up.
Nicholas: I'm sorry?
Simon: I'm a slasher! I must be stopped!
Nicholas: You're a what?
Simon: A slasher... of prices! I'm Simon Skinner - I run the local supermarché. Drop in and see me sometime - my discounts are *criminal*. Catch me later!

Joyce: Fascist!
Nicholas: I beg your pardon?
Joyce: [doing a crossword puzzle] System of government categorized by extreme dictatorship. Seven across.
Nicholas: Oh, I see. It's "fascism."
Joyce: "Fascism"! Wonderful. Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you over there.
Nicholas: Well, actually, I can probably make my own way up. Hag!
Joyce: I beg your pardon?
Nicholas: Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, 12 down.
Joyce: [thinks about it] Oh... bless you!

[indicating the CCTV footage that will act as his alibi]
Simon: [smiling] Feel free to spool through!
[Skinner pulls a pose identical to the one in a photo on the wall behind him]

[at the scene of Leslie Tiller's death]
Sergeant: Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?
[Angel grimaces and drops money into the swear box]
Nicholas: Leslie Tiller was FUCKING murdered!
DS: Just like Tim Messenger?
Nicholas: Yes!
DS: George Merchant?
Nicholas: Yes!
DS: And Eve Draper?
Nicholas: Yes!
DS: Martin Blower?
Nicholas: No, actually.
DS: Really?
Nicholas: [shouts] 'COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
[Danny drops a coin into the swear box]
Nicholas: Thank you, Danny!

[while holding a ginger-haired boy hostage]
Simon: Stop, or the ginger-nut gets it!

[Danny and Nicholas have just watched 'Point Break']
Danny: What do you think?
Nicholas: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!

Dr. Robin Hatcher: I've told him several times "You shouldn't eat late at night".
PC: Oh, I dunno. I quite like a little midnight gobble. Haha!
PC: ...cocks.

Danny: What about... 'Lethal Weapon'?
Nicholas: No.
Danny: You've seen 'Die Hard', though?
Nicholas: No.
Danny: 'Bad Boys II'?
Nicholas: No.
Danny: You ain't seen 'Bad Boys II'?

Nicholas: You're a doctor, deal with it!
Danny: Yeah, motherfucker!

P.I Staker: The swan's escaped?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas: Right. And where has the swan escaped from exactly?
P.I Staker: Uh, the castle.
Nicholas: Oh, yeah? And who might you be?
P.I Staker: Mr. Staker. Yeah, Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
Nicholas: P.I. Staker?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas: Right. "Piss Taker." Come on!
Nicholas: [cut to Nicholas with Mr. Staker] Yes, Mr. Staker. Um, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it to me?

DS: Angel! Don't go being a twat, now.
Nicholas: I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!

Danny: Point Break or Bad Boys II?
Nicholas: Which one do you think I'll prefer?
Danny: No, I mean which one do you wanna watch first?

[First night in Sandford]
Nicholas: I'm taking you to the station.
[pause]
Nicholas: Where is it?

Nicholas: Why are you wearing a police officer's uniform?
Danny: 'Cause I am one?

[Nicholas is giving a talk to a group of school children]
Nicholas: Are there any questions?
[Danny is sitting at the back of a group]
Danny: Is it true that there's a point on a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?

[Angel is woken in the middle of the night with the report of a suspicious death]
Nicholas: [on the phone] "Decaffeinated?"
[cut to shot of two decapitated heads]

Danny: Where's the trolley boy?
Nicholas: In the freezer.
Danny: Did you say "cool off?"
Nicholas: No I didn't say anything...
Danny: Shame.
Nicholas: Well, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
Danny: You're off the fuckin' chain!

[Nick is being introduced to the NWA for the first time and expresses his religious convictions to Reverend Shooter]
Reverend: Oh, you're an agnostic, then?
Dr. Robin Hatcher: [calling out] I think I've got a cream for that!

Nicholas: In the meantime, why don't you check out a few of Martin Blower's clients?
DS: Martin Blower represents damn near most of the village. Do you want us to go through the whole phone book?
DS: Yeah, we'll put a call in to Aaron A. Aaronson, shall we?
Nicholas: Please, don't be childish. At least consider interviewing the widow. Martin Blower was clearly having an affair with Eve Draper.
DS: Ohh, and how did you establish that?
Danny: [pounds table] 'Cause we sat through three hours of so-called acting last night, and the kiss was the only convincing moment in it.
DS: All right, pipe down, biggun'.
DS: Here, what else you got, Crockett and Tubby?
Nicholas: Skid marks.
DS: Now who's being childish?
Nicholas: There were no skid marks at the scene! Doesn't it seem a little strange that Martin Blower would lose control of his car and not think to apply the brakes?

Danny: What's it like being stabbed?
Nicholas: It was the single most painful experience of my life
Danny: [nodding] What's the second most painful?

[looking at a suspicious-looking passerby]
Nicholas: All right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
Danny: He's fuck-ugly.
Nicholas: Or, he doesn't want you to see his face.
Danny: 'Cause he's fuck-ugly.

Danny: Ever fired your gun in the air and yelled, 'Aaaaaaah?'

[Doris knocks down a female shop assistant with a yellow "Slippery floor" sign]
DS: Nice one, Doris.
PC: Nothing like a bit of girl on girl!

[after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, Danny is waving a sachet of tomato ketchup]
Danny: Ta-daaa!
Nicholas: Danny, this is murder.
Danny: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas: It's Frank! He's appointed himself Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny: [agitated and defensive] He's not Judge Judy, an Executioner.

[first lines]
Narrator: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born and schooled in London, graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical course work and final year examinations. Received a Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving... and advanced cycling. He became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day, he holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.

Danny: Forget it, Nicholas... it's Sandford.

Danny: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas: No.
Danny: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas: No.
Danny: Ever been in a high-speed pursuit?
Nicholas: Yes, I have.
Danny: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
Nicholas: No!

Danny: By the power of Greyskull!

Danny: Do you want anything from the shop?
Nicholas: Cornetto.

Danny: So what made you want to become a policeman?
Nicholas: Officer.
Danny: What made you want to become a policeman-officer?
Nicholas: I don't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer... apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode around in it every second I was awake - arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Danny: He sounds like a good bloke.
Nicholas: Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
Danny: What a cunt...
Nicholas: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never lost the profound sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the Law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. It was from that moment that I was destined to be a police officer.
Danny: Shame...
Nicholas: How so?
Danny: I think you would have made a great Muppet...

Nicholas: I may not be a man of God, Reverend, but I know right and I know wrong and I have the good grace to know which is which.
Reverend: Oh, fuck off, grasshopper.
[Reverend Shooter pulls out a pair of derringers from his cassock]

[Sergeant Angel has told Danny Butterman that Official Vocabulary no longer refers to car crashes as accidents: They are now called collisions]
Danny: Hey, why can't we say "accident," again?
Nicholas: Because "accident" implies there's nobody to blame.

Nicholas: [shouting] Have you ever wondered why, why the crime rate in Sandford is so low, yet the accident rate is so high?

Nicholas: What's the matter, Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?
[proceeds to leap over a series of back-garden fences]

[Nicholas Angel is having a crackdown on underage drinkers in the pub]
Nicholas: Oy! When's your birthday?
Underage: 22nd of February.
Nicholas: What year?
Underage: Every year!
Nicholas: Get out!
Nicholas: [to the second underage drinker] When's your birthday?
Underage: 8th of May... 1969...
Nicholas: You're 37?
Underage: Yeah!
Nicholas: Get out!
Nicholas: [turns to last drinker] When's your birthday?
Underage: [high pitched] Uhhhh...
Nicholas: Out!

[Angel has knocked out Michael]
Simon: [on walkie-talkie] Michael, are you there?
Nicholas: [pretending to be Michael] Yarp...
Simon: Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?
Nicholas: Yarp...
Simon: He's not going to get back up again?
[Angel thinks for a while]
Nicholas: [hesitantly] Narp?
Simon: Good. Proceed to the castle.

Nicholas: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.
DS: Oh yeah, cause we all sell apples 'round here, don't we?
Danny: Your dad sells apples, Andy.
DS: And raspberries.

Nicholas: How could this be for the greater good?
Neighbourhood: The Greater Good.
Nicholas: Shut it!

Nicholas: What's the situation?
DS: Two blokes and a fuck-load of cutlery!

Metropolitan: [darkly] You don't want me to get the Chief Inspector down here, do you?
Nicholas: Yes, I would actually.
Metropolitan: Very well.
[to a man by the door]
Metropolitan: Kenneth?

[Andy takes a swig of beer, leaving a "moustache" of froth on his moustache]
Nicholas: You've got a moustache.
DS: ...I know.

DS: You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city.
DS: Everyone and their mums is packin' round here!
Nicholas: Like who?
DS: Farmers.
Nicholas: Who else?
DS: Farmers' mums.

Nicholas: Mr. Porter, what's your wine selection?
Roy: Oh, we've got red... and, er... white?
Nicholas: I'll have a pint of lager, please.

Nicholas: With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.
Chief: Yes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector.
Nicholas: Well however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account. And that's what the team are gonna make of this.
[gets up and opens the door, where the team standing below a sign reading 'Good Luck Nicholas']

DS: It's all right, Andy! It's just bolognaise!

Nicholas: You don't mind a bit of manpower, do ya Doris?
PC: [laughing] Oh, dirty bastard!

DS: What are you thinking? Foul play? Maybe...
[to Danny and Nicholas]
DS: We're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Knickerless Ass-wipe and Cuntstable Fanny Batterbum.
Danny: [smiling] Hey, that's us!

Inspector: I suppose you're wondering why we call them the "Andies"?
Nicholas: They're both called Andrew?
Inspector: [delighted] They said you were good!
Danny: Also because talking to them is an uphill struggle, isn't it, Dad?
[Danny gets hit on the head with a wastepaper basket]
Danny: Fuck off!
Inspector: Thank you, Danny.