Top 100 Quotes From Joe Pesci

Vinny: Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Neckbrace: My place.
Vinny: Shit.

Vinny: [opening statements] Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.
Jim: Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement... with the exception of "thank you"... will be stricken from the record.

Joey: Who is this? Sal, is that you. I can hear you breathing you fuck. You listening, your mother sucks fucking big fucking elephant dicks, you got that?

Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!

Nicky: If a guy fucking tripped over a banana peel, they'd bring me in for it.

Vinny: [to the jury] Hey, how ya doin'?
Vinny: [to the witness] Mr. Crane, what are these pictures of?
Ernie: My house and stuff.
Vinny: House and stuff. And what is this brown stuff on your window?
Ernie: Dirt.
Vinny: Dirt. And what is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing that's covering your window?
Ernie: That's a screen.
Vinny: A screen! It's a screen. And what are these really big things that are right in the middle of your view of the Sac-o-Suds and your kitchen window, what do we call these big things?
Ernie: Trees?
Vinny: Trees, that's right. Don't be afraid, just shout 'em right out when you know 'em. And what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?
Ernie: Leaves.
Vinny: And these big bushy things between the trees.
Ernie: Bushes.
Vinny: Bushes. So, Mr. Crane, you can positively identify the defendants, for a moment of two seconds, looking through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, all of these trees, with all of these leaves on them, and I don't know how many bushes.
Ernie: Looks like five.
Vinny: Uh, uh, uh, don't forget this one and this one.
Ernie: Seven bushes!
Vinny: Seven bushes. So, what do you think? Isn't it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible and not necessarily these two particular guys?
Ernie: I suppose.
Vinny: I'm finished with this guy.

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Vinny: It is possible that the two yutes...
Judge: Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge: Uh... did you say "yutes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two yutes.
Judge: What is a yute?
Vinny: [beating] Oh, excuse me, your honor...
Vinny: [in an exaggerated manner] Two *youths*.

Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George: Yes, very.
[there is laughter in the courtroom]
Judge: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny: [hearing a drip in the motel bathroom] Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona: Yeah.
Vinny: Then why didn'tcha turn it off?
Mona: I *did* turn it off!
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona: Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off *and* drip at the same time?
Vinny: No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!
Mona: Maybe it's broken.
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona: Yeah. That's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Mona: [sighs] If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of ten to sixteen foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?
Mona: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.
Vinny: Well, in that case, how can you be sure *that's* accurate?
Mona: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state *and* federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead on balls accurate!
Mona: [ripping a page out of a magazine and hands it to him] Here's the certificate of validation.
Vinny: Dead on balls accurate?
Mona: It's an industry term.
Vinny: [tosses the paper away] I guess the fucking thing is broken.

[climbing down the rope]
Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?
Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.
Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?
[Kevin lights a match]
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Harry: Go up!
Marv: Aaaah!

Jake: She says he's pretty.
Joey: Yeah, well, you make him ugly.

Stan: Why didn't you ask them any questions?
Vinny: Huh? Ask who questions?
Bill: The witnesses! You know you could have asked questions, didn't you, Vin?
Stan: Damn it, Vinny! Maybe if you'd put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
Vinny: Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol' boy. There is no way this is not going to trial!

[Just after Sugar Ray Robinson won an early fight (before joining the army)]
Joey: They robbed you. They're miserable because their mothers take it up their fucking ass.

Judge: I tell you this, because I want you to know that, when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't. I don't expect to get special treatment, your honor.
Judge: Good. You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[the Judge takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge: Now, I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[the Judge drops the book before Vinny]
Judge: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[Vinny quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.

Harry: Sonny!
Kevin: Yes?
Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Nicky: Fuckin' Jews stick together, don't they?
Frank: They're havin' a good time.
Nicky: Yeah? So are we.

Nicky: Where the fuck do you get off talking to people about me behind my back, going over my head?
Ace: What people?
Nicky: What people, d'ja think I wasn't gonna find out?
Ace: I don't even know what you're talking about Nick...
Nicky: No? You said I'm bringing heat on YOU? I gotta listen to people because of your fuckin shit? You're orderin me out? You better get your own fuckin army pal!
Ace: I didn't do anything, I mean, I didn't order you or anybody. I only told Andy Stone that you had a lot of heat on you and that was a problem.
Nicky: You want me to get out of my own fuckin town?
Ace: Yeah I said l-let the bullshit blow over for a while, so I can run the casino. Anything goes wrong with the casino it's my ass, it's not yours, it's my ass!
Nicky: Oh I don't know whether you know this or not, but you only have your fuckin casino because I made that possible. I'm what counts out here, not your fuckin country clubs or your fuckin TV shows! And what the fuck are you doing on TV anyhow? You know I get calls from back home every fuckin day, they think you went bat shit!
Ace: I'm only on TV because I got to be able to hang around the casino. You understand that, you know that, come on.
Nicky: Your fuckin ass! You coulda had the food and beverage job without going on television. You wanted to go on TV.
Ace: Yeah I did want to go on TV. That way I have a forum, I can fight back. I'm known. People see me. They know they can't fuck around with me like they could if I was an unknown, that's right, yeah!
Nicky: You're making a big fuckin spectacle of yourself!
Ace: Me? I wouldn't even be in this situation if it wasn't for you. You brought down so much fuckin heat on me, I mean every time I meet somebody the big question is "do I know you?"
Nicky: Oh sure now you wanna bring your fuckin license on me, is that it?
Ace: No, Nicky, when you asked me if you could come out here, what did I tell you? I mean you asked me and I know you were gonna come out no matter what I said, but what did I tell you? Do you remember what I told you? Do you remember what I told you?
Nicky: Back- Back up, back up a fuckin' minute here. One minute. I asked you? When the fuck did I ever ask you if I could come out here? Get this through your head, you...
Ace: You never...
Nicky: Get this through your head you Jew motherfucker, you. You only exist out here because of me. That's the only reason. Without me, you, personally, every fuckin' wise guy skell around'll take a piece of your fuckin' Jew ass. Then where you gonna go? You're fuckin' warned. Don't ever go over my fuckin' head again. You motherfucker, you.

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
[PING!]
Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
Marv: What?
[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
Marv: What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
Kevin: Hello.
[PING!]
Marv: AH! AHHH...!
[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
[He runs off to prepare the next trap]
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

Vinny: Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?
Sheriff: On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.
Vinny: Is that it?
Sheriff: No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.
Vinny: Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?
Sheriff: .357 Magnum.
Vinny: The defense rests.

Jim: It's gonna be OK, Dave. You just talk to us on the record, we'll protect you. I guarantee it.
David: They'll get to you too. They'll destroy you. They're untouchable, man.

Tommy: You know Spider, you're a fuckin' mumbling stuttering little fuck. You know that?

Vinny: [about his secondhand suit, which has an 18th-century look and is red] I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.
Judge: Are you on drugs?
Vinny: No. I don't do drugs.
Judge: I don't like your attitude.

Salvy: You know he's got to be with Tommy to fight in New York to get a title shot. I mean, he'll wind up punch-drunk, your brother.
Joey: I know.
Salvy: You know? You got to make him understand it's best thing for everybody involved.
Joey: I said I know.
Salvy: You know? But, you got to make him know.

[From trailer]
Ace: I tried to do everything I could for you, even though I knew, deep down inside, you would bury me.
Nicky: I bury you? You buried yourself.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]
Judge: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Mona: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Stacks: What time is it?
- -It's 11:30. We had to be there by 9:00.
- -I'll be ready in a minute.
Tommy: You're always fucking late.
- You'd be late for your own fucking funeral.
- What the fuck you looking at?
- Make that coffee to go. Let's go.
- What the fuck you doing? It's a joke.
- Put the fucking pot down.
- You gonna take the coffee?

Joey: If you win, you win. If you lose, you still win. There's no way you can lose.

Nicky: And we know what you do, don't we Charlie? You fuck people out of money and get away with it.
Charlie: You can't talk to me like that...
Nicky: Hey, you fat Irish prick! You put my fucking money to sleep. You go get my fucking money or I'll put your fucking brain to sleep.

Mona: [angrily] What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?
Vinny: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's a procedure. I'm learning all this as I go along. I'm bound to fuck up a little.
Mona: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice!

Vinny: Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up in a similar -
[Seeing Mr. Tipton shake his head no]
Vinny: Don't shake your head, I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing, so you can understand this, now. Two different men drive up in a similar-looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?
Mr. Tipton: No. They didn't have enough time.
Vinny: Well, how much time was they in the store?
Mr. Tipton: Five minutes.
Vinny: Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?
Mr. Tipton: No.
Vinny: Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right, I'm sorry. So, obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.
Mr. Tipton: That's right.
Vinny: Right, so you knew that. Uh, do you remember what you had?
Mr. Tipton: Eggs and grits.
Vinny: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?
Mr. Tipton: Just regular, I guess.
Vinny: Regular. Instant grits?
Mr. Tipton: No self-respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.
Vinny: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?
Mr. Tipton: [a bit panicky] I don't know. I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny: I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook? That's it?
[Mr. Tipton nods in embarrassment]
Vinny: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny: Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

Mona: You're goin' hunting?
Vinny: That's right.
Mona: Why are you going hunting? Shouldn't you be out preparing for court?
Vinny: I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he'd let me look at his files; oh boy.
Mona: I don't get it. What does getting to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?
Vinny: Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It's a bonding thing, you know; show him I'm one of the boys. He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of him.
[Vinny searches through his clothes]
Vinny: What am I gonna wear?
Mona: What are ya gonna hunt?
Vinny: I don't know. He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office.
Mona: Heads?
[Vinny looks up at Lisa]
Mona: What kinda heads?
Vinny: I don't know, he's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer.
Mona: Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?
Vinny: I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man, I could go deer hunting.
Mona: A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer.
Vinny: Hey Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me, would you rather have that?
[Lisa gets up, walks over to the bathroom and shuts the door]
Vinny: What about these pants I got on, you think they're O.K.?
[Vinny looks down]
Vinny: Oh!
Mona: [comes out of the bathroom] Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

Judge: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

Marv: He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money.
Harry: [Kicks Marv] Shut up, Marv! Got the right to remain silent, you know.
Marv: He's a little cranky. We just broke out of prison a few days ago.
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up, Marv! Geez.
Policeman: Get'em outta here.
Marv: Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits!
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!
Marv: That's S...
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!
Marv: ...T...
[Gets kicked again]
Marv: Ummm...
Harry: I.
Marv: ...I...

Tommy: [Tommy mocks at Spider] Oklahoma Kid. That's me. I'm the Oklahoma Kid. You fuckin' varmint! Dance. Dance. YAHOO, YA MOTHERFUCKER!
[shoots Spider in the foot]

Nicky: [to Ace] I lost control? Look at you, you're fucking walking around like John Barrymore! A fucking pink robe and a fucking cigarette holder? I lost control?

Tommy: [sitting in car with Henry] The only thing, is she won't go out with me alone, you know?
Henry: No.
Tommy: No, what?
Henry: No.
Tommy: No, what, Henry? Who the fuck asked you anything? I didn't even ask you anything, at least hear what I have to say.
Henry: Alright, what?
Tommy: Okay, what? She don't want to go out with Italians alone. She's prejudiced against Italians. Do you believe that? In this day and age? What the fuck is the world coming to? I can't believe this, prejudiced against Ital - a Jew broad - prejudiced against Italians. Anyway, she won't go out with me alone unless her girlfriend comes with her, so I figured you could come along and go out with her girlfriend.
Henry: See? I knew it - I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.
Tommy: You knew what, Henry? See? What? What the fuck is wrong with that?
Henry: When is this?
Tommy: Tomorrow night.
Henry: I can't tomorrow night, I gotta meet Tuddy.
Tommy: You could meet Tuddy. You could fucking come early and then still go.
Henry: Tommy, Tommy. Why do you always do this to me?
Tommy: Don't give me that fucking "Tommy" shit. What the fuck I asked you for, Henry? I asked you for a favor. I do a lot of fucking favors for you, don't I? I'm trying to bang this fucking broad, you wanna help me out!
[view switches to outside of car with view of restaurant, smoke billows from restaurant windows]
Tommy: It's like... uh... ah...
Henry: What?
Tommy: I don't understand you! She's fucking beautiful. Her fucking family, they live in the Five Towns there. You know these Jew broads got a lot of money. Maybe the family owns the whole fucking block. and you happen to end up with a big fucking score, motherfucker.
Henry: [turning to look at the restaurant] Oh fuck!
Tommy: What?
Henry: See? With your fucking mouth!
[car speeds away]

Jake: Did you fuck my wife?
Joey: What?
Jake: Did you fuck my wife?
Joey: [pauses] How could you ask me a question like that? How could you ask me? I'm your brother. You asked me that? Where do you get you're balls big enough to ask me that?
Jake: Just tell me.
Joey: I'm not answering you. I'm not gonna answer that. It's stupid.
Jake: You're very smart, Joey. You're givin' me all these answers, but you ain't givin' me the right answer. I'm gonna ask you again: did you or did you not?
Joey: I'm not gonna answer. It's a sick question and you're a sick fuck and I'm not that sick that I'm gonna answer it. I'm not telling you anything. I'm gonna leave. If Lenore calls, tell her I went home. I'm not stayin' in this nuthouse with you. You're a sick bastard, I feel sorry for you, I really do. You know what you should do? Try a little more fuckin' and a little less eatin'. And you won't have troubles upstairs in your bedroom and you won't pick it out on me and everybody else. You understand, you fuckin' wacko? You're crackin' up! Fuckin' screw ball, you!

Vinny: I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse!
Mona: You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit!

[in the basement, Marv built a tower out of assorted items]
Harry: Marv, are you sure this is safe?
Marv: Oh yes. I've worked all the kinks out. Solid as a rock.
[They climb up. Seconds later, it all comes crashing down]
Harry: Like a rock, huh, Marv?

[Describing Kansas City family underboss Piscano]
Nicky: This guy could fuck up a cup of coffee.

Nicky: [after beating Joe until he cries] You hear a little girl, Frankie? Is that a little girl, Ace? Is that a little fuckin' girl? What happened to the fuckin' tough guy who told my friend to stick it up his fuckin' ass?

Vinny: My clients...
Judge: What are you wearing?
Vinny: Huh?
Judge: What are you wearing?
Vinny: [wearing a black leather jacket] Um... I'm wearing clothes.
[the Judge angrily stares ominously at Vinny]
Vinny: I... I don't get the question.
Judge: When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!
Vinny: I apologise, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge: Fine. I'll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny: [not comprehending] Uh... yes. Fine, Judge, fine.

Judge: Mr. Gambini, the next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. I don't want to hear any facts or evidence. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat to speak. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny: [intimidated, but the words go right past him] I think I get the point.
Judge: No, I don't think you do. Now you're officially in contempt of court! Would you like to say something else and go for two counts of contempt of court?
Vinny: Not guilty?
Judge: Thank you. Not guilty plea has been entered for the record. Probable cause hearing will begin tomorrow at noon. Bail for both defendants will be set at $200,000. Oh and bailiff, take Mr. Gambini into custody with them... and set his bail at $200 for one count of contempt of court.

Joey: [over the phone, when no one answers, not realizing it's Jake calling] Your mother sucks giant elephant dicks!

Mona: [Vinny looks at her funny] What?
Vinny: Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Mona: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona: Oh yeah, you blend.

Marv: Out the window?
[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]
Marv: I'm not going out the window!
Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.
Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!
Harry: Shut up, Marv!
Kevin: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!
Harry: Huh, oh, go back!
Marv: Oh! Good!
[They start making their way back]
Marv,10984: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!
[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

[Closeup of the Cowboy's white-socked feet with no shoes on a poker table]
Ace: [to Billy Sherbert, referring to Cowboy] I don't give a shit who he's connected to. Tell him to take his fucking feet off the table. What's he think this is, a goddamn sawdust joint?
Billy: [approaches Cowboy] Sir, would you mind taking your feet off the table and putting your shoes on, please?
Cowboy: [sighs] Yeah, I would mind. I'm having a bad night.
Billy: [returning to Ace] Fucking asshole won't budge.
Ace: [smoking a cigarette] Call security.
[approaching Cowboy and says firmly]
Ace: How are you?
Cowboy: Good. How are you?
Ace: Good. You want to do me a favor? You want to take your feet off the table and put your shoes back on?
Cowboy: Fuck you.
[Ace walks nearby to Security Guards]
Ace: I want you vacate this guy off the premises, and I want you to exit him off his feet and use his head to open the fucking door.
[Three security guards approach Cowboy]
Security: Sir, you're gonna have to leave. You mind accompanying us outside?
Cowboy: Bullshit, I ain't going anywhere.
Security: Bullshit, you're out of here, cowboy!
[Security Guard knocks his feet off the table, as the others lift him off his seat]
Cowboy: Fuck you! FUCK YOU!
Security: Yeah?
Cowboy: You know who you're fucking with? Huh? Do you? You fucking faggot! Do you know who you're fucking with? Huh? Do you?
Security: Now, move along.
Cowboy: [screaming at Ace, who follows him] You fucking faggot! Do you know who you're fucking with?
[the Security Guards carry him out and forcefully shove him towards a side exit]
Cowboy: Leave me alone!
Security: Here we go.
Cowboy: [grunting] You gotta be kidding me!
[Security Guards lift him off his feet and, holding him like a battering ram, smash his head into the door]
Ace: [voiceover, after having cowboy thrown out] Sure enough, an hour later, I get the call.
Nicky: [into telephone] Ace, what happened over there? I mean, did you know that guy you threw out was with me?
[in background the cowboy stands there with some other guys]
Ace: [into telephone] No, I didn't know that. But you know what he did?
Nicky: No.
[He gives Cowboy a look]
Ace: He insulted Billy. And then I walked over to him politely and he tells me to go fuck myself.
Nicky: What?
Ace: Then he called me a faggot. So what do you think I do? I threw that cocksucker out.
Nicky: What? Hold on a second.
[He puts down the phone, to Cowboy]
Nicky: Hey, come here.
[Cowboy walks up to him]
Nicky: You called my friend a faggot? You tell him to go fuck himself?
Cowboy: [stuttering] Nicky, I didn't - I did - I didn't...
Nicky: [angry] Is that what you did? Tell him to go fuck himself? You fucking hick! Fucking.
[Nicky hits Cowboy on the head with phone. He falls back, groaning. Ace listens to the noise of Nicky roughing up Cowboy]
Nicky: You big fucking hick, you. Come here. Come here.
[to Frank Marino]
Nicky: Get him up. Come here.
Frank: Get up, get up.
Nicky: [to Cowboy] You go over there right now and you apologize. You better hope he lets you back in. If you ever get out of line over there again, I'll smash your fucking head so hard you won't be able to get that cowboy hat on. You hear me? Fucking hick.
[backs on the phone]
Nicky: Sammy, listen. This guy obviously doesn't know who he was talking to, you understand? He doesn't know that, uh, we're dear friends. I mean, he's already very sorry. But, uh, if you could do me a favor to let him back in, I swear to you he'll never get out of line again. I promise you that.
Ace: If he does it again, he's out for good. I don't care what it is, Nick, I'm gonna ha- I'll - I'll never let him in the place again.
Nicky: I'm sorry about this. Really. All right, Ace?
Ace: Okay.
Nicky: Thanks, pal.
[hangs up and turns to cowboy for round two of his scolding]
Nicky: You took your boots off? You put your feet on the table... you shit-kicking, stinky, horse-manure-smelling motherfucker you! You fuck me up over there, I'll stick you in a hole in the fucking desert! You understand?
[slapping Cowboy in the face]
Nicky: Go over there and apologize.
[kicking the chastined Cowboy away]
Nicky: Go! Get the fuck out of here!
Cowboy: Nicky, I'm sorry!

[Harry and Marv have arrived in New York by stowing away in a fish truck]
Harry: Here we are, Marv. New York City. The land of opportunity.
[sniffs]
Harry: Smell that?
Marv: [sniffs] Yeah.
Harry: Know what that is?
Marv: Fish.
Harry: It's freedom.
Marv: No, it's fish.
Harry: It's freedom, and it's money.
Marv: Okay, okay, it's freedom.
Harry: Come on, let's get out of here before somebody sees us.
Marv: And it's fish.

David: Man, you don't leave the Agency. Once you're in they got you for life!

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.
Kevin: Yeah!
Harry: Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin: Okay.
Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me.
[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]
Kevin: Direct hit!
Harry: [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.
Harry: [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.
[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]
Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.
Marv: Harry, no.
[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]
Harry: You got anymore?
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.
[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry: What?
[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]
Harry: That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.
Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona: Well, yeah. I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona: Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, *ten years later*, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is...
[taps her foot]
Mona: ...*ticking like this* and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, *and* a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your...
[Vinny taps his foot]
Vinny: ...*biological clock* - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more *shit* we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Tommy: No more shines, Billy.
Billy: What?
Tommy: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn't hear about it, you've been away a long time. They didn't go up there and tell you. I don't shine shoes anymore.
Billy: Relax, will ya? Ya flip right out, what's got into you? I'm breaking your balls a little bit, that's all. I'm only kidding with ya...
Tommy: Sometimes you don't sound like you're kidding, you know, there's a lotta people around...
Billy: I'm only kidding with you, we're having a party, I just came home and I haven't seen you in a long time and I'm breaking your balls, and you're getting fucking fresh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Tommy: I'm sorry too. It's okay. No problem.
Billy: Okay, salud.
Billy: [takes a drink] Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.
Tommy: Mother fuckin' mutt! You, you fucking piece of shit!
Billy: [taunting] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on!
Tommy: Motherfucking... He bought his fucking button! That fake old tough guy! You bought your fucking button! You mother fuck... Fuck! Keep that motherfucker here, keep him here!
[leaves]

Harry: [while Harry and Marv are robbing Duncan's Toy Chest, Kevin takes their picture] He took our picture!
Marv: How'd my hair look?

Tommy: We hit the deer and his paw... What do you call it? The paw.
Jimmy: [Speaking through a mouth full of pasta] The hoof.
Tommy: It got caught in the grill. I got to hack it off.

Harry: You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!

Harry: [opens the cash register and steals money from it] Merry Christmas, Harry.
Marv: [opens the money chest and steals money from it, too] Happy Hanukkah, Marv.

David: Hey, Willie. I want you to meet Leon Oswald.
Willie: Hey, man! How you doin'?
Lee: What the fuck's he doin' here?
Willie: Fuck you, motherfucker!

Nicky: What are you staring at you bald-headed Jew prick?

Vinny: It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're fucked. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

Henry: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.
Tommy: What do you mean I'm funny?
Henry: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
[laughs]
Tommy: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Henry: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, you know the way you tell the story and everything.
Tommy: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?
Anthony: Tommy no, you got it all wrong.
Tommy: Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
Henry: Jus...
Tommy: What?
Henry: Just... ya know... you're funny.
Tommy: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Henry: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
Tommy: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
Henry: [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!
Tommy: [everyone laughs] Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.

Joey: You think it's easy? Why don't you talk to him. You know what to say. Tell him.
Salvy: You know I can't talk to him.
Joey: Why can't you talk to him?
Salvy: Because he don't like me.
Joey: Yeah, nobody likes you. You ought to be used to that.

Vinny: Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah! These *are* gonna be - you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue! Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! Ha ha! I love this! That's it!

Nicky: Take this stiff and pound it up your fucking ass!

Vinny: [Vinny and Lisa receive their breakfast orders, Vinny looks at his skeptically] What's this over here?
Grits: You never heard of grits?
Vinny: Sure, I've heard of grits. I just never actually *seen* a grit before.

Jake: Don't give me that look, Joey. I gotta accept your answer, you know? But If I hear anything, I swear on our mother I'm gonna kill somebody. I'm gonna kill somebody, Joey.
Joey: [angrily] Well go ahead and kill if you're a tough guy, go kill people! Kill Vicki, kill Salvy, kill Tommy Como, kill me while you're at it, what do I care? You kill yourself, the way you eat! Ya fat fuck, look at you!
Jake: What do you mean - I don't understand, kill you?
Joey: Me! Kill me, start here! Do me a fuckin' favour! Cause you're driving me crazy! You're a killer, you're a big shot, just kill. You're a killer.

Joey: Hey Jack, I just explained the whole thing to you didn't I. It was between me and Salvy. If it had anything to do with Vicki I would've told you about it.
Jake: That's not what I heard Joey.
Joey: What do you mean that's not what you heard?
Jake: That's not what I heard.
Joey: What did you hear?
Jake: I heard some things.
Joey: You heard about me and Salvy.
Jake: I heard things Joey.
Joey: Yeah you heard that I cracked Salvy all around. What did you hear?
Jake: I heard things Joey. I heard things.
Joey: What things you heard?
Jake: I heard some things.

Nicky: Fuckin' bosses. I mean, they're smokin' their Di Nobilis and they're eatin' a trippa and fuckin' suffritt', you know, fried pigs guts? While, if I wanna talk private, I gotta go to a fuckin' bus stop.

Harry: I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.

Nicky: [narrating] it wasn't long before what I was afraid what was going to happen: happened, Nicky managed to get himself banned from every casino in Las Vegas, from then on I couldn't be seen talking to him anywhere in Vegas or anywhere near it.
Nicky: [meeting at Idle Spurs bar after reading a letter from the government informing him of his banishment] so in other words: I'm fucked.
Ace: In so many words, yes.
Ace: [Narrating] It just didn't sink into his head what the Black Book is and what it meant, not being banned from every casino is just one thing but being this book gets you into the brains of every cop and FBI agent in the state, I mean you're listed in there with Al Capone, but Nicky didn't care.

Kevin: Hey. You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?
Marv: Nevah!
Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin: Down here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

Vinny: I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well, here's my counter-offer... Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh, no, no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?
J.T.: [in disbelief] You kick the shit out of me.
Vinny: Yeah.
J.T.: Yeah. You get the money.
Vinny: So, here are my options. Option A: I get my ass kicked, or Option B: I kick your ass and collect the two hundred. I think I'm gonna go with Option B: Kickin' your ass and collecting two hundred dollars.
[Vinny takes off his jacket]
J.T.: We're gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah. But first, show me the money.
J.T.: I have it.
Vinny: You have it, then show it to me.
J.T.: [pause] I can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? Okay, get it. Then we'll fight.
[Vinny takes his jacket from Lisa]

Jake: Look at that. Look how they make me look. Like a bum, like a mammalucco.
Joey: A what?
Jake: Like the mammalucco of the year.

Joey: She ain't the kind of girl you just fuck and forget about, this girl.
Jake: Joey, how many times I gotta tell ya? Why're you always cursin' when I'm talkin' to you? Don't do it around me. Do it around your friends.
Joey: She's a, the kind of girl you bang and forget about - she's not like that. You gotta spend time with her, get involved, you know...
Jake: D'you bang her?
Joey: No.
Jake: Tell me the truth.
Joey: I just told you the truth. I tell you the truth the first time. You don't have to ask me again. I never do that. I always tell you the truth. If I did it, you would know. I took her out a couple of times.
Jake: You went out with her and you didn't try to fuck her?
Joey: I try to fuck anything.

Tommy: He said, "No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy." I said, "All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother."

Vinny: Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
Hotel: No, sir, it's very unusual.
Vinny: [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
Hotel: I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

Stacks: What time is it?
Tommy: It's eleven thirty, we're supposed to be there by nine.
Stacks: Be ready in a minute.
Tommy: Yeah, you were always fuckin' late, you were late for your own fuckin' funeral.
[shoots him]

Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?
Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.
Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Vinny: I won my first case, you know what this means...
Mona: Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you.
Vinny: What, now you're not gonna marry me?
Mona: No way. You can't even win a case by yourself, you're fuckin' useless.

Mona: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Mona: Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Mona: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Mona: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Mona: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No.
Mona: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Mona: 'Cause he's dead.

Vinny: Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants, were you wearing your glasses?
Constance: Yes, I was.
Vinny: [pointing upward in Mrs. Riley not looking in his direction] Over here, dear. Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?
Vinny: [stumbling a bit from staring into Mrs. Riley's eyes through her very thick glasses] Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?
Constance: Since I was six.
Vinny: Have they always been that thick?
Constance: Oh, no. They've gotten thicker over the years.
Vinny: So, as your eyes have gotten more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many different levels of thickness have you gone through?
Constance: Oh, I don't know, over sixty years, maybe ten times.
Vinny: Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.
Constance: Oh no. I think they're okay.
Vinny: Maybe we should make sure. Let's check it out.
Vinny: [grabbing a tape measure from his desk and bringing it over to Mrs. Riley] Now, how far away were the defendants from you when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?
Constance: About a hundred feet.
Vinny: A hundred feet.
Vinny: [handing Mrs. Riley the end of the tape measure] Would you mind holding this, please? Thank you.
Vinny: [making his way through the crowd to the courtroom door] Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry, sorry. Okay, this is fifty feet, that's half the distance.
[Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand]
Vinny: How many fingers am I holding up?
[Mrs. Riley is squinting, trying to see the fingers]
Judge: Let the record know that the counselor is holding up two fingers.
Vinny: [annoyed] Your Honor, please, huh?
Judge: Oh, sorry.
Vinny: Now. Mrs. Riley, and *only* Mrs. Riley...
[Judge Chamberlain gives Vinny a dirty look. Vinny holds up two fingers on his right hand again]
Vinny: How many fingers am I holding up now?
Constance: [squinting, trying to see the fingers] Four.
Vinny: [coming back to Mrs. Riley amid the courtroom rumbling in she getting the number wrong] What do you think now, dear?
Constance: Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses.

Harry: [hears a loud rumbling] What's that sound?
[a tool chest bursts through the door, pinning them to the wall]
Marv: [congested] That was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs.
Harry: Oh.

Tommy: Why does he make it so hard on himself? For Christ sake, he comes to me, I'd make it easier for him. The man's got a head of rock.
Joey: You know, it's hard to explain, Tommy. Jack respects you. I mean, he don't say hello to anybody. You, he talks to. He likes you. Its just that when he gets somethin' on his mind, you know, he's got a hard head. He likes to do things his own way. I mean, Jesus Christ could come off the cross sometime, he don't give a fuck. He's gonna do what he wants to do. He wants to make it on his own, you know. He thinks he can make it on his own.

Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.

Mona: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Mona: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Mona: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "Thank you."
[pause]
Mona: Oh, my God, what a fucking nightmare!

Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defence, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defence's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defence's case hold water?
Mona: No! The defence is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Mona: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Mona: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge: [to Lisa] This is your opinion?
Mona: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Mona: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would *love* to hear this!
Judge: So would I!

J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: Two hundred dollars.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
Vinny: [as J.T. presents a roll of bills] How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
Vinny: [as J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket] Yeah, right.

Officer: Nice move... always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you've hit.
Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.
Harry: [shouting] Shut up.

Joey: [to his young son] If I see you put your hands in that plate one more time, I'm going to stab you with this knife. You hear me? I told you, keep your hands outta the plate! Christ!

- One's facing east, the other west.
- So what?
Tommy: He's saying, "What do you want from me?" The guy's got nice white hair.
- Beautiful. The dog looks the same.
- Looks like somebody we know.
- Without the beard. It's him.
- It's him.

Vic: I always wanted to make it with twins.

Jim: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Mona: It's a bullshit question.
Jim: Does that mean that you can't answer it?
Mona: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Mona: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!
Judge: Can you answer the question?
Mona: No, it is a trick question!
Judge: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: [to Bill] Watch this.
Mona: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Nicky: Ace don't... listen, don't... don't make a scene, all right?
Ace: I want to just talk. I want to talk to that Irish bitch.
Nicky: She didn't know who to turn to. She... she didn't know where to turn. She was tryin' to save your marriage.
Ace: Yeah? Nicky, I want to talk to that fuckin' bitch.
Nicky: Hey, be fuckin' nice. Calm. Be nice. Don't fuck up in here,

Harry: You better say every prayer you ever heard, kid.
Marv: I hope your parents got you a tombstone for Christmas!

Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
[there is a short pause as Judge Haller appears caught off-guard by Vinny's sudden competence with knowledge of the law]
Judge: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes, sir?
Judge: That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny: Thank you, Your Honor.
Judge: [in a firm tone] Overruled.

Harry: What store is going to make the most cash on Christmas Eve that nobody's gonna think to rob?
Marv: Candy stores!
Harry: Nine-year-olds rob candy stores, Marv. This is what I had in mind.
[shows him an ad for Duncan's Toy Chest]
Marv: That's brilliant, Harry. Brilliant.
Harry: Yep. There's nobody dumb enough to knock off a toy store on Christmas Eve.
Marv: Oh yes, there is.
[Points to Harry, then points to self]

Judge: How do your clients plead?
Vinny: Er, my clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain...
Judge: [cutting him off] I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has its procedure. And that procedure at this point in time is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Uh, yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here...
Judge: Mr. Gambini...
[the Judge motions for Vinny to approach the bench]
Vinny: My clients, er...
Judge: [in Vinny approaching the bench] All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge: Once again, the communication process has broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

Peter: Hi.
Harry: Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister?
Peter: Yeah.
Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Peter: Yes.
Pizza: Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.

Vinny: [answering the phone] Hello?
Jim: [into the phone] You did good out there today, Yankee. I like the competition. You like competition, too? Makes things kinds fun, doesn't it?
Vinny: I'm enjoying myself so far.
Jim: Well, I got a little surprise for you tomorrow.
Vinny: What is it? You know you have to disclose all of your evidence to me before presenting it at trial.
Jim: I just got it myself tonight. I'll disclose it first thing in the morning. The Judge is gonna have to admit it.
Vinny: Should I be worried?
Jim: I sure would be if I were you.
Vinny: [hanging up the phone then addressing Lisa] Hey, Honey. Where'd you read about all that disclosure shit?
Mona: Here, let me show ya. Why?